Summer 2015 preview

Volume 23 Summer 2015

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community

t Speak-Orouup Youth G tter!

Newsle

Perspectives: Inuit custom adoption Slow and steady

Q&A: The Asante Centre

Adopted Voice: Six ways

Everyone has a story: the Bergs

Hunter, Faith and the Ancestors

Time and patience let love grow, p. 4

Alison Pooley answers your questions about FASD, p. 8

to support your adopted child, p. 6

One family, 14 kids! The more the merrier, p. 14

Novel explores adoption through kids’ eyes, p. 22

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Are you a professional with adoption-related expertise? We’re always looking for our next expert to feature in our Q&A section. Email us at editor@bcadoption.com, or connect with us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bcadoption to find out more.

Q&A

The Asante Centre

BY ALLISON POOLEY

Allison Pooley is the Program Director at the Asante Centre. She assists individuals, family members, and service providers in understanding the diagnostic process as well as the implications for providing integrated post-assessment supports and services. Allison has been involved in FASD prevention and intervention efforts for numerous years both in northern B.C. and the Lower Mainland, including work in early childhood education, the public school system, the criminal justice system, and adult support settings.

What is the Asante Centre?

The Centre is a nonprofit organization that provides a variety of services for individuals of all ages with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and other complex developmental needs.

We offers assessment and diagnostic services, family and community support, education and training, research projects, resource development, and more. We’re located in Maple Ridge, B.C., but serve the province and beyond. Visit our website at www.asantecentre.org, or call 604-467-7101 for more information.

Is it true that children from international adoptions don’t have FASD? Whenever and wherever a woman of child-bearing age consumes alcohol, there is a risk of her having a child with FASD. The same is true of children from around the world, though awareness of FASD and the broader risks associated with alcohol consumption in pregnancy varies considerably in different countries. The concern for children adopted internationally (as well as locally) is that an accurate prenatal history isn’t always provided. Without accurate prenatal information, it’s very difficult to make an alcohol-related diagnosis. A comprehensive developmental assessment will likely be beneficial to help the adoptive family understand the child’s needs and any potential concerns, such as the impact of trauma, neglect, or other medical conditions.

I keep hearing that it’s safe to have an occasional glass of wine during pregnancy. The French do it, our mothers did it, and we all turned out fine. Have researchers been able to determine if there is such a thing as a safe amount of alcohol consumption during pregnancy?

The Governor General recommends no alcohol use in pregnancy, and emerging research supports that assertion. In the discussion of light or moderate drinking in pregnancy, it’s important to recognize the

8 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

difference between FASD and the broader spectrum of people who have been prenatally exposed to alcohol. Not every person who’s exposed will be diagnosed with FASD. The diagnosis only identifies individuals who have a specific level of disability that can be attributed to alcohol exposure. Other people may be more subtly impacted by alcohol exposure in a way that isn’t diagnosable as a disability but still represents a real, if clinically immeasurable, loss of potential (the term for this is “blunting”).

I read that there are new guidelines for diagnosing FASD. Can you tell us about that?

The 2005 FASD Canadian Guidelines for Diagnosis are currently under revision and are expected to be published in June 2015. The new Guidelines address FASD across the lifespan, including expansions on how to diagnose young children and adults. There will likely be significant changes to the diagnostic terminology and the distribution of brain domain information to reflect new research in the field. All changes are flexible until formally published. You can view the new guidelines online, or call the Asante Centre for more information once they’re released.

How can a doctor tell whether a child has FASD or ADHD, and what are the differences?

Approximately 60% of individuals with FASD also present with attention difficulties and may be diagnosed with ADHD as part of their FASD (though ADHD has other causes as well). Individuals with FASD experience global delays; they must demonstrate disabilities in multiple areas in order to be diagnosed. A child with ADHD may be high functioning in all other areas.

My child with FASD is 10, but she functions more at the level of a four-year-old. It can be hard to remember that. Sometimes her behaviour frustrates me. Any suggestions?

No matter how well we understand FASD and its associated special needs, it can be difficult to maintain patience at all times. FASD is challenging! Children work very hard to do well, and can get as overwhelmed as you. First, remember that you’re human and frustration is normal. There are many strategies that can be helpful. Some families

Q&A with the Asante Centre cont’d.

join support groups, and others memorize a key phrase from their child’s assessment report that struck them. Try to make this your mantra: “We all do the best we can with the internal and external resources that we have.” Every time you have an “aha” moment, consider writing it down so you can keep track of what you’ve learned.

You can use her assessment findings as a starting point from which to brainstorm accommodations for her. Some possibilities include adaptations to communication approaches, additional tutoring for school, or support around calm-down techniques if she has emotional regulation or sensory concerns.

My daughter’s assessment showed that she has some challenges consistent with her prenatal alcohol exposure, but her scores weren’t high enough for a diagnosis. How can we help her?

Are there any medications that can help with the symptoms of FASD? When and how are they used?

My first response is to consider the age of your daughter. Many younger children do not meet the brain criteria, but they may be diagnosed later when the discrepancy between their chronological and developmental ages widens. She may need another assessment in a few years.

Without a diagnosis, you may not be able to access disability services but can still work with the people in her life, such as her teacher, her soccer coach, her social worker, or her family doctor to meet her needs.

There are no medications that treat FASD in general, but there are medications that may help alleviate particular symptoms such as attention difficulties. Supplements that promote brain health may also be beneficial for people with FASD, as well as to anyone in the general public who wants to ensure optimal nutrition for their central nervous system. Please consult with your healthcare practitioner to find an approach that works best for your child.

Learn more about the Asante Centre at www.asantecentre.org.

Spotlight on support Introducing Brent Kisilevich The Interior region has a new Adoption Support Coordinator! Meet Brent, a Vernon man who wears many hats, not the least of which is that of “dad.” Nine years ago, Brent and his wife Teresa adopted three siblings from foster care: 11-year-old Ali (now all grown up and a mother herself ), three-year-old Jace, and two-year-old Jordyn. Brent spent the past few years as a stay-at-home dad, giving him a rare perspective that will surely contribute to his work with AFABC families. He credits Teresa with most of the education, connection-building, and planning involved in parenting adopted kids with special needs; however, Brent was the go-to guy for school runs, homework, and all the details of daily life. Last year he experienced the adventure of homeschooling Jace and Jordyn in an effort to best meet their needs (both are now transitioning back to the classroom).

In addition to his life as a dad, Brent is a certified practitioner of the Feldenkrais Method. He runs his own business teaching classes in his community.

“I help people learn how to use themselves differently,” he says. Feldenkrais is a type of movement education that seeks to heklp people overcome pain and physical limitations, increase their energy and awareness, and move more easily and comfortably. Brent also volunteers as a leader of his local ski patrol, who honored him with two awards this year.

When I mention how busy his life sounds, Brent pauses. “Actually, it’s not,” he says. He emphasizes how he and Teresa prioritize family life and make a point of doing everything they can together, whether it’s swimming laps at the pool or hanging out at the kids’ Ukranian dance lessons. They don’t overload themselves with activities, and they maintain a healthy lifestyle. They love spending time together reading, , enjoying the nearby lake, eating Teresa’s delicious food (she’s an Epicure consultant as well as a college instructor), and just hanging out.

The Kisilevich family

Over the years, Brent and Teresa have developed a strong network of friendships with other adoptive families in their area. Teresa even co-founded the annual Moms Away retreat, a weekend of friendship, relaxation, connection, and, of course, great food, which many AFABC moms look forward to every year.

Brent is just getting settled into his new role, and he looks forward to getting to know even more adoptive families and learning how to best support them. He’s already started a Facebook group for dads (search Facebook for “AFABC Adoptive Dads” to find it). You can contact Brent at bkisilevich@bcadoption.com.

Welcome to the team, Brent, and happy Father’s Day to you and to all the other dads out there: birth dads, adoptive dads, stepdads, granddads, and everyone else who’s played that special role in someone’s life.

VOLUME 23 SUMMER 2015 9

Everyone has a story

Meet the Bergs

BY BRIANNA BRASH-NYBERG

Adoption: a lifelong dream Janice’s interest in adoption started when she was just a little girl. She remembers one of her favourite childhood games was to play “adoption agency” with her dolls. She’d line them all up on her bedroom floor and then choose one or two to “adopt.”

That idea obviously had staying power. On her first date with her future husband, Don, she told him that “It doesn’t matter how many children we have, I want to at least adopt one.” In the 32 years since that unusual first-date conversation, they’ve gone on to welcome 14 children through biology and adoption.

In the early years of their marriage, Janice and Don lived in Alberta. After adding three biological children to their family, they decided to enter the adoption process with Alberta Child and Family Services. They were open to all special needs and a wide range of ages, but the wait dragged on and on.

During that time they had a fourth biological child and also became foster parents, “To get a feel for the system, and because I love kids,” says Jan.

Waits, heartbreaks, and fate Finally, after eight years, they were matched with a seven-month-old girl who is now about to graduate from high school. She was diagnosed with autism as a toddler, introducing what would be the first of many special needs to the incredibly diverse Berg family.

For their next two adoptions, the Bergs turned to the United States. After a heartbreaking failed match in Oklahoma, they were contacted out of the blue by an adoption agency in Arkansas. “To this day I don’t know how that adoption agency got our name and how we got matched, other than through my Christian faith,” says Janice. That agency matched them with the baby who would become their son.

Most of the Berg family

Special needs, special potential In each case, the children’s foster parents fought the adoptions, which made the transitions stressful. Both kids used cribs, bottles, and diapers when they arrived. Janice recalls the girl couldn’t chew and still played with rattles. Once they settled into their new family, though, they quickly moved on from “baby things” and began to thrive.

What made the difference? Unconditional love, and providing plenty of options and choices. “Yes, a child may have some special needs and delays, but that doesn’t mean we should treat him like an infant,” says Janice. “I remember asking Matthew if he wanted to play with cars or not. His eyes got all big, like he was thinking, ‘Really? I can decide that for myself?’ He was six years old and he’d never been given choices before.”

Surprise!

Four other private international adoptions fell through after that; but a series of twists and turns, and a fifth failed match, led to their adoption of a daughter, also from Arkansas. “Right after she was born, before we flew down, someone put the phone up to her ear so I could talk to her,” remembers Janice.

At this point, with nine kids, Don declared the Berg family complete, “Unless someone drops a kid off on our doorstep.” Soon after, Janice and Don came home from a trip to Alberta to their phone ringing off the hook with calls from social workers. A friend’s recent adoption of a little girl was breaking down. Could the Bergs take her, just until her parents figured things out?

Next came a move to British Columbia and, sadly, a miscarriage. The Bergs settled into their new home and decided to adopt again, this time through the Ministry of Child and Family Development (MCFD). A six-year-old boy with Down syndrome joined their family, followed by a four-year-old girl with global developmental delays and chronic kidney disease.

The two families worked with MCFD to figure out the details, and soon the little girl, who has what Janice calls “the full meal deal” of special needs (including FASD, ADHD, and visual learning disabilities), moved in as a restricted foster care placement. “[MCFD] basically dropped her off at our

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door, and she never left,” says Janice. The Bergs officially adopted her– their tenth child. From that point on, says Jan, “We basically just went back to our faith. If God has more children for us, should that be the plan, then He’ll provide.”

Two by two That provision came in the form a six-year-old boy and his five-yearold sister. Both have suspected FASD and were prenatally exposed to drugs. The little girl also has autism. She only knew two words when she moved in, “Mom” and “no,” but soon learned enough language to disclose abuse. “Her little brother just took off and ran when she started to talk, afraid he would be in so much trouble [for telling],” says Jan. Their thirteenth and fourteenth children brought life full circle in more ways than one. Last April, the Bergs and one of their sons were visiting family in Arkansas. Because their adoptions are open, contact and visits with their children’s many biological and foster family members are part of daily life. This visit was a little different, though. Their son’s sister, pregnant with her fifth child and struggling immensely, asked Janice and Don to adopt her four-year-old twins. How could they say no?

After some scrambling, and plenty of legal advice, the preschoolers came home with the family to Abbotsford. A year later, the family is dealing with the effects of sexual abuse, neglect, and severe attachment challenges. Janice doesn’t shy away from admitting that things are very hard. But, as always, the family’s love and commitment is unwavering.

They hope to complete the adoptions of the twins – their thirteenth and fourteenth children – later this year.

All about the love So, is the Berg family finally complete? “I never know,” laughs Janice.

Sometimes people ask if she adopted her kids “for the money.” What money? Janice and Don would like to know! They budget carefully, do everything as a family (she and Don rarely go out alone together), and live simply on Don’s income. Others ask if she’s competing for 19 Kids and Counting, an American reality show that spotlights the Duggar family and their 19 biological children.

Janice laughs off those comments. “[Money and fame] are the furthest thing from our lives and our hearts,” she says. She views parenting as her calling and her profession. Most people would say Janice is a stay-athome mom, but there isn’t much staying at home involved. “If you see what I go through in the day, you’d know this is not a walk in the park.

Nine of my kids have special needs. I’m running through the school; I’m running to Children’s Hospital; I need to be available [at all times].”

It’s obviously not an easy job. What keeps her going? “I just love kids,” says Janice. “We both love kids. That’s what it all comes down to.”

AFABC youth bursary applications open!

The AFABC Bursary Program offers two bursaries for youth pursuing post-secondary programs. The Howard Legacy Youth Fund is available to applicants who are current or former youth in care, and the AFABC Youth Bursary is available to applications who have joined their family by legal adoption.

Application deadline is September 15. Learn more and apply at www. bcadoption.com/bursary.

A Day in the Life 6:45: Janice wakes up and gets everyone ready and off to school.

9:00-3:30: Go to appointments, do housework, and take care of everything else involved in running the family’s life. “Once the kids are home, there’s no time for anything else,” says Janice.

3:30-5:30: Extracurricular activities for some kids, homework for otheres. “For five of them, I have to do every question with them,” says Janice. Her eldest daughter also works with one of her younger sisters as a paid respite provider.

5:30-7:00: Dinner, clean up, baths, and getting ready for bed.

7:00-8:00: Read and pray with each of the younger kids.

8:00-9:00: Read and pray with each of the older kids.

9:00-12:00: Try to stay awake for some time to herself and time with Don. Go to bed around midnight.

Advice from the Bergs “Have a really good support system.” The Bergs lived in a small town when they adopted their first few children, and Janice remembers feeling alone./ “No one else was going through the adoption process, and they had no idea what it was like. People didn’t understand why we’d have an issue with waiting, because we already had [biological] kids.”

“Don’t underestimate the significance of a failed adoption match.” The Bergs experienced multiple failed matches during their adoption journey. “You have to treat it like a death,” says Janice. She joined an online support group online for adoption loss and found that to be very helpful.

Help us help kids Making a difference in the lives of waiting children and adoptive families is easier than you think.

Donations allow us to provide support, education, and resources to prospective and current adoptive parents, and to youth in and from care. Monthly contributions allow us to provide ongoing support to children and adoptive families. Long-term commitments from our donors also allow us to plan and develop multiple program areas as needs within the adoption community develop.

Every contribution to AFABC – no matter how big or small – makes a difference to the lives of BC’s children and adoptive families.

Donate online today!

www.bcadoption.com/donate VOLUME 23 SUMMER 2015 15

A celebration of Aboriginal roots

BY KELLY DAVIE

A passion for culture June 2015 will mark the eighth annual Roots Celebration within Okanagan First Nation Territory, the land of the Syilx people. The event serves Indigenous children and youth in care by helping to instill in them a sense of pride, honour and respect for their identity and heritage.

Organizers and participants represent many Nations and bring together the best of what they have to share over a weekend rich in Indigenous cultural experiences focused on children and youth.

Gladys Stepaniuk is a founding committee member of the Roots Celebration whose connection to her own roots has been essential to her healing. Her experience as a child in foster care and an adoptee in a non-Indigenous home fuels her passion for children and youth. “I love my job because it is my life. These children, it’s not their choice to come into care. It’s not their fault. They come into care with trauma and loss, that extra layer that other children growing up with their own parents really don’t have. I just want to give back to these kids.” Gladys’s words reveal the heart of this beautiful, resilient, and dedicated woman.

can sit down [with their foster or adoptive parent] and go through this binder together and work at that barrier of ignorance. That’s what a lot of the problem is, that layer of ignorance.”

Gladys invites families to work through the binder together and to come and talk to her if they have questions or need help connecting.

The staff connects individuals with Elders to ask questions and learn in a safe environment at their own pace. Gladys knows that many kids may not be that interested at first, but believes there will come a day when they will be interested. She especially likes doing genograms and stresses the importance of children knowing their bloodline. Gladys has seen children come into care from large sibling groups that cannot be kept together, so the siblings get split into separate foster homes. She says that “every child needs a genogram. They need to know who their bloodline is and where their bloodline is so that when they do age out of care and meet that special somebody, they know that person is not a brother or a sister.”

Building bridges to understanding I first heard Gladys speak at a workshop I attended last winter. I respected her transparency as she shared her experiences as a child in foster care and as an adoptee, her education, and her work with the Gathering Place in Vernon, B.C. Gladys generously shared a cultural resource binder she created, so that I and others could better serve the Indigenous children and youth with whom we work. This collection of culturally diverse information provides a valuable resource to share with children and youth in care and their and families, and will help us in the crucial work of nurturing their Indigenous identity. Listening to Gladys speak about the Roots Celebration has me dreaming of opportunities for all of our families.

Gladys worked as a Roots Worker at the Kelowna Friendship Centre for three years and then at the Gathering Place in Vernon for almost five years. She recently began working with the Kelowna Métis Society in their Roots program. Gladys created the Cultural Package presentation, which is a ceremony and resource binder for each of the children and youth leaving foster care to permanent homes or aging out of the system. “We put a binder together because, when I first came back to my culture, I was overwhelmed with questions…so I thought, let’s put together this binder. That way the child can learn at their own pace. They

20 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

Celebrate Aboriginal Day! On June 21st, Canadians from all walks of life are invited to participate in the many National Aboriginal Day events that will be taking place from coast to coast to coast. This is a special day to celebrate the unique heritage, diverse cultures and outstanding achievements of First Nations, Inuit and Métis peoples in Canada. Visit www.aadnc-aandc.gc.ca for more.

The Roots Celebration

Nurturing dignity and pride

The Roots Celebration’s purpose is providing for children and youth in care, celebrating culture, and working together to eliminate the barrier of ignorance. This year the celebration has moved away from a more commercial fairgrounds setting to a real grassroots, hands on event out at Pillar Lake, north of Vernon. The children and their families camp at the lake and enjoy fishing, tomahawk throwing, bannock on a stick, sharing stories around the campfire, singing, dancing, and many other activities. The focus is on connecting, relationships, and experiencing culture.

Participants include many diverse Nations, Métis, Inuit, Elders, MCFD staff, and community partners.

“Families register and come back year after year,” Gladys said when asked how families carry these teachings forward into their lives. “We encourage families to take part in National Aboriginal Day events, and we have an open door policy: phone me, or just stop in and we can go for coffee. We have Elders in the office, and we can connect you to an Elder who’ll do visits in the home to eliminate that barrier of ignorance one-on-one. Ask questions, clarify assumptions and stereotypes. These children need to embrace all that they are. It’s an ugly world out there, and they need to be equipped with all the tools they’ll need to be successful adults. They need to be able to walk comfortably in both worlds.”

“Everyone participates and comes together as a community to give the children as much as they can give,” said Gladys. “We want the children to grow up and be proud of who and what they are and to experience different aspects of culture. Often, when living in a mainstream society home, there can be a void. I’m Cree and I don’t know my language. It’s never too late, though. I know a few Cree words, and I’m learning about the Sun Dance, the Pow Wow and traditional dances, what each dance means, and the protocol with Elders.”

When I asked about the core values that resonate throughout the event, Gladys is quick to mention the four quadrants of the Medicine Wheel– the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of a person, the four seasons, and the life stages of child, youth, adult and Elder. As we move through the stages of the medicine wheel, we come to generosity and giving back, and the circle continues.

Gladys also speaks of Dr. Martin Brokenleg’s Circle of Courage and how a sense of belonging must come before anything else. The Roots Celebration aims to create that sense of belonging and awareness of each child’s valued place.

Today Gladys has two beautiful children and two wonderful grandchildren whom she loves and celebrates. Her personal story of life in care and as an adoptee will be shared in time, but suffice it to say it’s a testament to her resilience and a powerful message about the necessity of one’s connection to culture, to family, and to caregivers who will uphold a child’s dignity and nurture pride in their identity.

I raise my hands up in thanks to Gladys for her generosity in sharing her story and for the terrific work she does through the Roots program. “I love the work I do because of the life I’ve lived. I grew up in care: I know we must give these children pride in who and what they are.”

The Roots Celebration is funded by the Ministry of Children and Family Development and takes place in May or June of each year.

Dorothy “Kelly” Davie lives with her husband and two sons on Coast Salish Territory along the east coast of Vancouver Island. Like strips of cedar woven together to create something strong, beautiful, and lasting, so too are the individuals within her family woven together through birth and adoption. She is honoured to work as a Child Specific Family Recruiter (CSR) with AFABC.

VOLUME 23 SUMMER 2015 21

Celebrate adoption.

Celebrate those who make a difference.

2015 AFABC Adoption Awards Each year, we recognize individuals and organizations for their significant contributions to the adoption community in British Columbia. Help us celebrate these champions by nominating them for an AFABC Adoption Award.

Nominate by Tuesday, June 30, 2015.

Learn more and nominate: www.bcadoption.com/adoptionawards

PM# 41718015 Return undeliverable Canadian addresses to: Adoptive Families Association of BC 200 - 7342 Winston St, Burnaby, BC, V5A 2H1, Canada

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