Focus on Adoption Summer 2016 preview

Volume 24 Summer 2016

adoption FOCUS ON

The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community

t Speak-Ou p u Youth Gro r!

Newslette

Two decades of love:

Meet the Lohse family, again!

Advocating for FASD adults A father’s winning battle to help his adult daughter, p. 5

Attachment: Take it outside

How nature can help adoptive families connect, p. 9

Reconciliation for everyone

Review: Lost Innocence

Adoption by the numbers

Government guilty of discrimination against Aboriginal kids, p. 17

New comic helps youth understand residential school legacy, p. 20

MCFD meets its adoption placement goals; we break down the stats, p. 25

Be a Summer Champion!

This summer, take on a challenge!

Raise funds to find a family for every waiting child in BC. Email events@bcadoption.com, or go to

www.chim.pn/1WOThGW chim.pn/1WOThGW

Contents Inside this issue: News and information

Advice and more

2 Editor’s letter 3 News and notes 8 Education highlights 12 Celebrations 22 Events 23 Resources

5 Q&A: Advocating for adults with FASD 9 Attachment: Take it outside 10 Family fun: Pineapple and ham kabobs

In focus 7 Another man’s child 11 Everyone has a story: Meet the Lohses, again: Annette 14 Adopted voice: Meet the Lohses, again: Mikayla 15 Meet the Lohses, again: Lisa 25 Adoption by the numbers

17 Perspectives: Reconciliation for everyone 19 Opinion: Be ready to support LGBTQ youth

Books & media

A father’s heart A dad reflects on “raising another man’s child, ” page 7

20 Jen’s Picks 21 Review: Lost Innocence

BC’s Waiting Kids 16 Meet Jacob and Arden!

Meet the Lohses, again Catching up with a feature family from 1998, page 11

On our cover Like father, like son: Jax and his dad, Scott, enjoy some corn on the cob in this winning entry from our 2015 photo contest. Taken by mom, Amy.

It’s not optional Why parents must be ready to support LGBT youth, page 19

Q&A: Advocating for adults with FASD, continued Today there are two women in the home [the third young woman tragically passed away in November]. It’s staffed by the John Howard Society, and there’s a great working relationship between the clients, their parents and family, and John Howard. We talk almost daily about what to do, how best to deal with certain situations or behaviours, etc. The staff is very willing to learn, which is rare in service providers. My daughter’s playing on a baseball team now, and she’s able to spend time with her 9-year-old son. Fraser Health is also providing a concurrent therapist, and is funding training for its existing staff, which is being provided by Tina Antrobus, one of BC’s foremost FASD experts.

What advice do you have for parents of youth and adults with FASD? The way I approach people with FASD is that they’re the expert on themselves. We’ve got to stop trying to fix them and just ask them what’s

We shared this graphic on Facebook in April, and asked our Facebook fans what tips they’d give to all of these new families. Here are their insightful answers!

Paula Hogan

A support network is vital. I recommend lots of groups! Professionals too: doctor, pediatrician, physiotherapist, occupational therapist, etc.

Befriend parents with kids the same age so you realize that some stuff is just kid stuff. Find parents with kids like yours, whatever their needs may be, to talk to and use as a resource. There is help out there, you just need to find it! [Connect with] other adoptive parents for so many reasons.

And finally, of course, AFABC! And patience and love in bucketfuls! The journey isn’t easy sometimes but the rewards are amazing!

going on. They aren’t stupid. They can talk. The phrase I hear the most from people with FASD is “Nobody understands me.” Get to know them, care for them, comfort them, make them feel safe, and they’ll open up. In my experience, when you do that, they’ll start to give you the keys to their life.

They’re waiting for someone to say “I understand you and it’s OK to be this way.” Don’t try to change the person. There’s nothing wrong. They were born with weaknesses and strengths, just like all of us. The goal is to train the people around the client to create a big pillow of support.

When my daughter was first diagnosed, I thought, “Why me?” But I’ve learned some of the best lessons I’ve ever learned in my life, such as how to live in the moment, in the present. [In many ways] it’s a wonderful disability: people with FASD are incredibly giving, loving, and forgiving, and they have a high BS meter. They deserve the same chances as everyone.

Sometimes I wonder if they’ve got the disability, or if we [neurotypical people] do. ●

Bev Goldstone

Join a support group. If you think something is wrong don’t just dismiss it or think time will change it. Get help right away. Join a support group.

Remember love can’t fix everything. But it never hurts. Join a support group. And most importantly, don’t isolate yourself when times are tough. That’s why you need to join a support group. Ed. note: We’re not entirely sure, but we think Bev wants you to join a support group.

Liz Hoffman

Cassandra Marie

Be your child’s advocate. You will come across many different diagnoses in your time with your child or children. You will need to fight to get them the right treatment or care. Don’t be afraid to second guess and question doctors and therapists. At the end of the day, you are all these children have. You need to be their very best advocate.

6needs, FOCUSeven ON ADOPTION “healthy infants.”

Join the party! Find us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bcadoption.

Remember all children who have spent a day in foster care have special

Another man’s child

BY EDMOND KILPATRICK

Edmond Kilpatrick is the proud adoptive father of two daughters. As we approach Father’s Day, we’re pleased to share his thoughts on unconditional love and the meaning of family.

A father’s heart During our first adoption, my wife relayed a conversation she had with a gentleman at work. “I could never raise another man’s child,” he’d told her.

I often think about the sentiment behind this phrase. To me, it questions some aspect of my manhood by suggesting my first priority should be to propagate my genes and perpetuate my bloodline, and that raising a child from a different birth father would threaten that.

When we received the first photo of a beautiful baby girl with a worried look in her eyes, I knew I’d be able to love her. We waited five long months until we could fly to Africa and meet her. The details I knew about her were brief, vague, and felt designed to avoid scaring me off. Still, in my heart I began to love her, or at least the idea of her, and I carried her photograph with me everywhere.

We finally arrived at the orphanage, where this little stranger was placed in our arms. I was thrilled, scared, awkward, disoriented, and beside myself with joy. It was hard to grasp that I was now the father of this baby, charged to raise her, love her, and guide her into a full life.

I was swimming in the emotions of a liminal space between my previous life, which had evaporated in an instant, and the new reality of being a dad. But never for a second did I think “this is another man’s child.” She was my child, and all my emotional faculties were working overtime to process that. Over the next two weeks, and every day since coming home, I’ve held this little girl who looks nothing like me, from a culture very little like my own, and become more and more devoted to her.

The Kilpatrick family: Edmond, Naleli, Ana Bela, and Mai Linh

The second time around When we decided to try to adopt a second child, I was more protective of myself, and made sure I didn’t get carried away by the emotional highs and lows of the process. When we met our second daughter in Vietnam it was another joyful, surreal, and awkward moment, but I wasn’t as emotionally swept away. Her transition to our family was more tumultuous than our first daughter’s and it took some time for us to attach to each other.

With this adoption, the initial flood of love and connection I felt in Africa was replaced by a slow, growing tide of trust and devotion. I read through her medical records and the documentation that was given us and tried to imagine her origins just as I had with my first daughter, but while I understand and accept she has a birth father, for some reason when I see my little girl I am not reminded of him.

The beauty of love On our first morning together as a family of four, we opened the door to the restaurant of our Ho Chi Minh City hotel and the bustling chatter came to an abrupt halt. Silence hung in the air for an interminable moment while a room of people looked at us looking back at them. We became aware of what we looked like: two white North Americans with an African child and an Asian baby. The spectacle of our family hit us squarely in the jaw in that one seismic moment.

I know I look nothing like my girls. I’m very aware of their African and Asian heritage and of my responsibility to nurture their identities. Like any other parent, I also find myself staring at the features of my daughters’ faces. They are so beautiful to me. I can get lost in details like the line of their eyebrows or the curve of their cheeks, but I never see another man’s genes. I just see my girls.

Continued on page 8 VOLUME 24 SUMMER 2016 7

Education highlights AEP-Online The Adoption Education Program Online (AEP-Online) is a 12-week course delivered by AFABC on behalf of provincial governments to prospective adoptive parents across the country. This program fulfills the legal requirements for adoption education in the areas it is offered.

Teens and Tweens AEP Online: Fall registration coming soon!

This four-week course is a thorough introduction to the joys, challenges, and typical behaviours associated with teen and tween adoptions. Topics include: trauma, attachment, teen development, dealing with difficulty behaviours, teen identity, self-regulation, and transitioning. Participants must complete the general AEP prior to taking this course.

Upcoming live webinar Transitioning Children into Adoption series: June 2 & 9, 7-8 pm

Edmond with his daughters, Naleli and Mai Linh

Another man’s child, cont’d

Foster and adoptive parents all have key roles in successfully preparing and transitioning children and youth from foster care into adoption. If you’re a foster or prospective adoptive parent, this two-part webinar series is for you! Presented by Anne Melcombe, social worker, child specific recruiter, long-term foster parent, and adoptive mom of three.

I have to admit this doesn’t seem normal. In fact, the sentiment behind that gentleman’s insistence that he “could never raise another man’s child” seems more understandable than my insistence that I don’t see another man’s genes when I look at my children.

New! On-demand webinars

Nature, law, and kinship

Learn about realities, outcomes, challenges and joys of adopting a tween or a teen in this two-part series. Take away helpful parenting strategies and resources to build successful relationships with your teens or tween.

Want to expand your knowledge around teen and tween adoption? Take the four week Teen and Tweens AEP Online course described above!

Western anthropologists have historically understood kinship through the concepts of nature and law. The idea that families are formed through nature, or biological connectedness, gave rise to phrases like “born of my flesh” and “my own flesh and blood”. Laws, in turn, reflect how we think about inheritance, land, and wealth.

I remember an encounter that emphasized the strength of these concepts for me. I was in Africa, holding my new daughter in my arms, when a local gentleman around my age approached me and asked if this was my baby. He was surprised when I said yes, and asked if she would one day inherit my possessions. I suddenly saw my adoption through his eyes. For him, it seemed surprising that an African child adopted by a white North American would suddenly receive all my riches and lands, whereas I had always taken for granted that my children would inherit whatever I had to give them.

A modern family Nowadays, people are adopting for the emotional benefits of raising children and not necessarily to produce an heir or fulfill social expectations.

Together, we are redefining the term kin. My daughters are very much my kin. They are my girls to love and provide for, just as if they’d been born biologically to me.

My family doesn’t conform to the idea that we must be connected by flesh and blood. I couldn’t tell you why I’m not concerned with perpetuating my genes, but I can tell you I chose to adopt because I knew I could love these girls. I suspect there are other men like myself out there that don’t relate to the sentiment, “I could never raise another man’s child.” Perhaps it doesn’t call us into question as men as much as it reveals the traditional values we have grown up with—values that we’re changing. ●

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Available anytime, anywhere!

Introduction to Adopting Teens and Tweens (available June 16)

Adoption 101 series This is your first step in adoption! Get the facts on your adoption options and the processes for BC residents. Learn about BC’s Waiting Child Program, local infant adoption, international adoption, home studies, grief and loss, attachment, openness, and your next steps.

Adoption and Social Media Social media has transformed our lives and adoption is no exception. This webinar highlights the benefits and pitfalls of social media as it relates to openness and relationship management in adoption. Presented by Harriet Fancott, communications specialist, blogger, and adoptive mom.

What is LGBTQ Adoption?

Take this one hour webinar and learn the specific issues and statistics surrounding LGBTQ adoption, how to navigate BC adoption law and which BC organizations to seek out for support. Presented by Tammy Kosolofski & Colleen Bradley.

FASD: Becoming the Sensory Detective at Home This webinar highlights the importance of sensory sensitivities in children and youth with FASD and provide insight into the triggers of sensory reactions in the home. Presented by David Gerry, co-founder of The FASD Community Circle, a charity that develops programs and services for people with FASD. Register and learn more at www.bcadoption.com/education!

Attachment: take it outside!

BY ANGELA KRUEGER

Summer’s here! There’s no better time to get reacquainted with Mother Nature. Angela, PRIDE trainer, parent facilitator, and freeelance writer in Ontario. who’s also an adoptive mom, explains how getting outside can facilitate attachment for adoptive families, and share practical tips to help you make it happen.

Take a walk “Again?” my preteen asks, rolling her eyes, when I say it’s time for a walk around the block.

“Yep,” I reply, knowing that if I get dressed for a stroll she’ll follow. It’s usually easy to sell my younger daughter on a walk. She’s full of energy to burn.

But today, it’s just my eldest and I, heading out into the rain. It’s rare for the two of us to have a few minutes alone together, so when the opportunity arises, I’m all over it. I think she secretly is too.

Why nature matters Between school, chores, homework, jobs, extracurricular activities, and appointments, it can be tough for any modern family to find time to play outside together.

For adoptive families, whose plates are often even fuller, it can be that much more difficult. But there are extra benefits for adoptive families to spending time together outside, especially when it comes to attachment.

In his book Last Child in the Woods (Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 2008), Richard Louv proposes that our connection to nature can be understood the same way we look at attachment in relationships. When we’re outside, we build connections with our environment and experience positive feelings that naturally spill over into our relationships with the people who share that experience with us.

According to a 2012 survey by the David Suzuki Foundation, 70% of youth ages 13-20 spent an hour or less outdoors per day. The younger the youth, the more likely they were to spend time with their families in nature. The survey also highlighted the important role parents and families play in getting teens to spend time outside.

Create connections Families often wonder if they can do more formal art or play therapy outside. The answer is absolutely! Talk with your family’s therapist about how to incorporate the outdoors into both play and art therapy.

Families can also use play and art to help build attachment outside without the coaching of a therapist.

Consider building a tree fort together or doing sand play at the beach.

How about working silently on a pencil sketch outside next to your teen, or asking all members of the family to choose a special rock or flower and creating a collaborative art piece?

It’s important to remember that these activities aren’t meant to help kids work out difficult issues quickly. Instead, the therapeutic goal is for the family to connect with one another.

Guidelines for getting out there Convincing your family to get away from their screens and out the door can take work. Here are a few suggestions families can follow to make sure they’re exercising their attachment muscles appropriately as they start to spend more time outside as a family.

• Make it a date. Add outside time to the family routine so that everyone knows the plan. Include a timeframe to help to minimize backlash when it’s time to come back inside and to help reluctant family members understand how long everyone will be expected to hang out together.

• Dress for it. Make sure everyone is wearing clothing appropriate to the weather and activity. It doesn’t make sense for mom to wear flip flops if the plan is to play soccer, and there’s nothing like the mood of a grumpy teenager who “forgets” to wear a hat for a winter hike in the woods.

• Do NOT go to the park. If you’re lucky enough to live near a park, don’t take the easy way and hang out there. Typically, parents will end up standing around chatting with neighbours while the kids play with others or constantly demand attention through tricks and shenanigans. This doesn’t promote attachment.

• Leave the phone, and friends, at home. This time is all about family bonding. It’s vital that you give each other 100% of your attention. A 2015 survey done by AVG found that 54% of children ages 8 to 15 felt that their parents checked their phones too often, and that 32% of the kids felt unimportant when their parents got distracted by their devices.

Continued on page 10 VOLUME 24 SUMMER 2016 9

Attachment: take it outside, cont’d • Let your child(ren) lead. Do what the child wants to do, no matter how messy or embarrassing it is for older members of the family.

Attachment is built by meeting each other’s needs. If your 7 year old wants you to roll up your pant legs and wade in the creek, go with it. If your toddler wants to search for fairy houses in the cedar grove, cherish the moment. If your teen just wants to sit on a rock and look at the ground, join in. This will create positive feelings and memories, which strengthen attachment.

Okay, we’re outside. Now what?

Family fun!

Pineapple and ham kabobs

• Play a sport. Kick around the soccer ball, look foolish playing badminton, chase each other around the ice rink, or shoot some hoops. This time should be all about having fun together, so don’t worry about teaching skills. That can happen another time.

This quick and fun summer meal is the perfect combo to throw together to feed a hungry family after a day spent in the great outdoors. Once the ingredients are prepped, let the kids thread everything onto the skewers. (make sure everyone washes their hands afterwards, since they’ll have handled raw meat).

• Play a game. Try the oldies but goodies: hide and seek, capture the flag, tag. Kids love to see their parents running around and laughing.

It makes everyone feel good.

Throw some potatoes and green beans on the grill too, and bam!

Dinner is served. Or dish up tangy marinara sauce and cheesy flatbread for dipping, and call it “deconstructed Hawaiian pizza!”

• Go fish. Unlike other activities such as riding bikes, swimming, or skiing, fishing is a sit-and-think kind of activity. Even the most active kids sometimes surprise their parents by discovering a special connection to a particular fishing hole.

• Have a campfire. Kids and adults of all ages enjoy the magic of a campfire. Don’t be surprised if your youngest falls asleep on your lap or your preteen opens up about a show she is watching while you bask in the flickering light.

• Cloud watch or star gaze. For little kids, simply lying on the ground and looking up at the sky invites interesting questions. Some older kids may find that lying on the ground next to a parent, without pressure to make eye contact, feels comfortable and safe and encourages conversation.

Take a walk with me What’s the easiest way to get outside? Start with a short, simple walk, which allows for shoulder to shoulder conversation or none at all. This time isn’t meant to be immediately therapeutic, but you you might be surprised about what your child shares with you, and how you feel about each other, after you spend some time in the fresh air together.

Follow Angela on Twitter at www.twitter.com/angelakrueger63. ● 10 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

Here’s what you need: • • • • • •

1 ripe pineapple, cubed, juice reserved Sliced cooked ham, cut into strips 1 red onion, cubed (optional) Olive oil Salt and pepper to taste Skewers (if using bamboo, soak them overnight in water so they don’t catch on fire!)

Let’s get started • Fire up your grill!

• Thread pineapple, onion, and ham onto skewers. You can fold the ham in half if you’re using thicker slices of baked ham, or accordion-style if you’ve got thinly sliced deli ham.

• Season with salt and pepper and drizzle lightly with oil.

• Place skewers on grill over indirect heat.

• Grill for 3-4 minutes on each side, basting with reserved pineapple juice and remaining olive oil as needed.

• Enjoy!

We cannot publish photos of waiting kids due to privacy concerns. This is a stock photo.

Meet Jacob and Arden!

Arden* is a likable, outgoing 9 year old boy with a particular interest in sports. He is athletic and will play pretty much any game going, but has a special love for soccer.

Do you need more laughter in your life?

Meet 13 year old Jacob,* an incredible teen boy with an infectious sense of humour who loves to tell jokes.

Arden enjoys music enthusiastically and has a wide ranging palate – he is open to trying a wide variety of gourmet foods. A helpful boy, Arden is willing to pitch in around the house and will keep up a steady stream of chatter to keep you company. He is not shy and relates well to his foster parents. His ethnocultural background is Moroccan and Hispanic.

Jacob has a kind heart and a smile that can brighten up the room.

Jacob’s caregiver describes him as an extremely funny child, with jokes that are wise beyond his years. Jacob is also very empathetic to the feelings and needs of those around him. Though he has struggles socially, he is constantly improving and breaking barriers that have been in his way.

Arden attends school full time and is enrolled in a special remedial classroom where he receives extra support. He requires assistance in all academic areas due to low cognitive functioning. Arden can act out with his peers and is learning other ways to deal with his feeling when he is frustrated and angry.

Arden missed out on the love and guidance he deserved as a little boy and is having to make up for these losses now. Would you like to be the family who helps Arden with his new start? Come and learn more about this helpful and sweet young boy.

Could you be the family Arden is waiting for? For more information please contact Wendy’s Wonderful Kids recruiter Kirsty at 604-320-7330 or Kirsty.Stormer@gov.bc.ca.

*Not their real names.

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Jacob is very artistic and has future goals to attend post-secondary education to become a video game designer. He also enjoys cooking and is very helpful around the house. He participates in swimming, outdoor activities, and a community/club. Jacob is passionate and excited about the activities he takes part in.

Jacob has been diagnosed with some learning disabilities, but has made major progress in his educational journey. He is very proud of his accomplishments at school both socially and academically.

Jacob has a close relationship with his mother, who resides in the same city. Jacob needs a family who would support openness with his mother.

Jacob has overcome so much in his life and is a true joy to be around.

Would you like to know more about him? Please contact Crystal at cdolson@bcadoption.com or 250-319-0788.

Perspectives

Reconciliation for everyone

BY ANDREA AUGER, FIRST NATIONS CHILD AND FAMILY CARING SOCIETY OF CANADA

For this edition of Perspectives, we chose to focus on an important moment in contemporary history. In 2007, the First Nations Child and Family Caring Society and the Assembly of First Nations filed a human rights complaint against the Canadian Federal government, alleging that Canada’s failure to provide equitable and culturally based child welfare services to First Nations children on-reserve amounts to discrimination on the basis of race and ethnic origin. In January, the Tribunal ruled against the government. In this piece, Andrea Auger of the Caring Society reflects on the importance and implications of this decision.

For First Nations kids, a step towards equality When the First Nations Child and Family Caring Society of Canada (the Caring Society) and the Assembly of First Nations (AFN) filed this human rights complaint against the government back in 2007, it was a last resort. Both organizations had worked for years with the Department of Indigenous and Northern Affairs Canada (INAC) to develop solutions to ensure First Nations child and family agencies received enough resources to deliver culturally appropriate child welfare services on reserves.

The government failed to implement any of the reports’ recommended solutions. As a result, even more First Nations children entered the child welfare system. In fact, agencies were incentivised to remove children from their homes rather than provide funding for prevention services to help them stay safely with their families.

January 26, 2016, was a celebratory day for First Nations people in Canada.

After nine long years, the Canadian Human Rights Tribunal found the Government of Canada guilty of discrimination against 163,000 First Nations children because it funded on-reserve child welfare services inadequately and inequitably, and failed to fully implement Jordan’s Principle (see sidebar).

What happens now?

As this publication goes to press, the federal government has yet to follow through on the Tribunal’s order to put an immediate stop to discrimination in funding. Instead, it announced increased allocations for First Nations child welfare in its 2016 Budget including $634.8 million over five years, with an initial investment of $71 million for 2016-17.

This may seem like a significant improvement, but these numbers actually fall $42.3 million short of what INAC itself said was needed to address the gaps in service that already existed. The number is even farther from the $200 million the Caring Society hoped would be allocated for immediate

On May 10, Canadians honoured Jordan’s Principle Implementation Day by bringing bears to work, school or daycare to “bear witness.”

What is Jordan’s Principle?

Jordan’s Principle is a child-first principle named in memory of Jordan River Anderson. Jordan was a First Nations child from Norway House Cree Nation in Manitoba who was born with complex medical needs. Jordan spent more than two years in hospital unnecessarily while the Province of Manitoba and the federal government argued over who should pay for his at home care. Jordan died in hospital at the age of 5, having never spent a day in a family home. Implementing Jordan’s Principle means making sure First Nations children are not left waiting for services they desperately need, or are denied services that are available to other children. This includes services in education, health, childcare, recreation, and culture and language.

Learn more at www.jordansprinciple.ca.

Read the Tribunal’s ruling Visit www.decisions.chrt-tcdp.gc.ca/chrt-tcdp/decisions/en/ item/127700/index.do

Get involved Visit www.fnwitness.ca

Find out more about events Visit www.fncaringsociety.com/events-make-difference.

Make a difference for First Nations youth Visit www.fncaringsociety.com/7-free-ways-make-difference relief while INAC worked on longer term solutions for improving the funding formulas. Finally, the largest part of the $634.8 million is scheduled to be released in 2021-22, after the next federal election. If a different party wins the election, it could mean vulnerable children lose that promised funding.

Each of the parties to the Tribunal case provided recommendations or “remedies” for moving forward, including funding recommendations.

Continued on page 18 VOLUME 24 SUMMER 2016 17

Reconciliation for everyone, cont’d.

After consultation with the parties, the Tribunal will decide on the final remedies. Once given, the Tribunal’s decisions can be enforced by the Federal Court. The parties were scheduled to submit detailed remedies as of March 31, 2016. Keep an eye on www.fnwitness.ca for updates.

Although January 26 was a victory, Canada still has a long way to go to ensure that First Nations children have equitable opportunities to grow up safely in their communities, go to good schools and receive quality education, be healthy, and learn about and be proud of their unique histories, languages, and cultures.

Seven generations I know firsthand that there are caring people and organizations across the country who are committed to standing as allies to First Nations communities, and to finding their place in reconciliation. Out of personal curiosity and a genuine desire for people to understand the concept in meaningful ways, I always ask people what reconciliation means to them. Some think of it in a religious context, while others understand it as healing or relationship building.

Growing up with my family in Thunder Bay, I was taught about responsibilities to the next seven generations. Because of this teaching, I see reconciliation as looking after those future generations by taking action now to make sure we can care for them after we’ve passed. With that in mind, how can we all take actions that are meaningful and make a real difference?

A vision of a truly reconciled Canada At the Caring Society, we believe that change is happening and reconciliation is all of us. Each person can take peaceful and respectful actions to help make Canada better for First Nations children and their families. The Truth and Reconciliation Commission’s 94 calls to action offer a wealth of inspiration for us to find our place individually and collectively in the process of reconciliation. Let’s imagine a Canada where we all take action to stand with First Nations children. We’d be so much closer to a truly reconciled Canada built on a foundation of of fairness, justice and equality for all. ●

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Get involved in reconciliation Support culturally based equity for First Nations children at these events.

Honouring Memories, Planting Dreams: Celebrated May 30 to June 3, Honouring Memories, Planting Dreams invites individuals and organizations to plant heart gardens in their communities to honour children lost to residential schools, residential school survivors and their families, as well as the work of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada. Creating a heart garden it is an opportunity for people of all ages and walks of life to learn about and reflect on the history of residential schools and their ongoing impacts, and to show their commitment to reconciliation.

Our Dreams Matter Too: Celebrated on June 11, the anniversary of Canada’s apology for residential schools, Our Dreams Matter Too is a walk and letter writing event supporting culturally based equity for First Nations children and young people. In 2015 there were over 5,500 walkers and we hope to increase that number this year.

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Opinion

Be ready to support LGBTQ youth

BY BARBARA F. TURNAGE AND JUSTIN BUCCHIO

For many youth, foster and adoptive homes can be safe places for care and support when the biological family does not provide appropriate care. Unfortunately, many lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth are placed in foster homes where their caretakers do not understand or accept these youth because of their gender or sexual orientation.

Identity and exploration An example of an issue faced by some in this population is the experience of a disconnection between their gender identity and their anatomically assigned birth sex. The caretaker must be able and willing to talk about the youth’s feelings and experiences while also allowing the youth to externally express their gender. These youth may also be questioning their sexual identity. Questioning sexual identity refers to trying to understand and accept one’s sexual orientation based upon a physical and romantic attraction to members of the same and/or opposite sex. The foster or adoptive parents must also be willing to protect the youth from other peoples’ judgment or lack of understanding. The parent has agreed to be the youth’s first line of defense against assaults, whether emotional or physical.

LGBT youth may experience a foster or adoptive parent’s inability to talk about their concerns as emotionally and psychologically damaging. If the LGBT foster youth finds the foster or adoptive home environment to be unbearable, they may leave. Homeless LGBT youth may find a supportive and accepting community among others like themselve, but they miss out on a stable and safe home environment, and are vulnerable to substance abuse, sexual exploitation, and incarceration.

LGBT youth who are struggling with self-identification are not in a position to explain sexual orientation to foster or adoptive parents because they themselves are in the process of learning who they are. It’s the responsibility of caregivers to educate themselves about about sexual/gender orientation and how to support the youth they care for. It’s not the LGBT youth’s responsibility to teach them.

Safe families are supportive families LGBT foster or adopted youth, like all youth, require caretakers who have resolved their adolescent identity issues. They need parents with a strong sense of self and a more fluid approach to self-identity. Parents who are still struggling with defining themselves interfere with the LGBT youth’s identity development.

Youth who are questioning their sexual or gender identity need room to “try on” different orientations. Those who are expressing different orientations may temporarily change their dress, or ask to be called a by a different name

or by different pronouns such as he, she, they, or “ze.” The caregiver must be flexible enough to allow the youth to experience a fluid trial period while also providing consistent expectations of behaviour. For example, the curfew should remain consistent and not be considered related to sexual or gender orientation or identity.

Preventative preparation strategies are a crucial component of supporting these youth. The parent must be ready to intervene even when the LGBT foster or adopted youth has not openly identified a concern.

The foster or adoptive parents must use their training and experience to identify and respond to any potential emotional and physical assaults to their LGBT youth, and be ready to support and intervene if the youth eperiences harassment in their home, community or school.

Learn more

Don’t miss KT’s insightful, first-person perspective on being gender fluid in the Speak-Out Youth newsletter!

There’s nothing to “fix” Foster caretakers must never suggest reparative therapy as an option for LGBT youth. Reparative therapy attempts to change or “fix” a person’s sexual orientation. Good parenting requires accepting and supporting the LGBT youth’s sexual and gender identity. The goal of successful parenting is to help youth define who they are, not who the caretaker wants them to be.

Foster and adoptive parents who are not willing or able to learn how to care for LGBT youth are neglectful.

Adolescence is a time of exploration. To facilitate healthy identity development, youth need the emotional, psychological, and physical space and support to explore who they are and who they can become. When a foster or adoptive parent accepts a youth into their home, this acceptance means they are willing to fully care for the youth and their needs, which includes accepting their sexual and gender self-expression and identity. ●

Barbara Turnage, Ph.D., is a professor and MTC-MSW coordinator in the Department of Social Work at Middle Tennessee State University. She can be reached at Barbara. turnage@mtsu.edu. Justin Bucchio is an assistant professor of social work at Middle Tennessee State University, with expertise in child welfare and LGBT foster youth whose passion for social work and improving the child welfare system stems from his early years in foster care. He can be reached at Justin.bucchio@mtsu.edu A version of this article originally appeared on Youth Today (www.youthtoday.org).

Reprinted with permission.

VOLUME 24 SUMMER 2016 19

Johanna Simmons, MA RCC 604-240-0592 johanna@simmonscounselling.ca

Areas of specialization

• Attachment • Adoption • Child Play Therapy • Family Counselling • Depression • Parent/Teen Conflict • Self Worth • Stress Management

• Parenting Skills Training • School Issues • Anxiety • Communication • Transitions • EMDR • Child Behaviour

As an adoptive parent and a former teacher, Johanna brings these perspectives into her counselling practice.

Suite 206C -1571 Bellevue Ave., West Vancouver www.simmonscounselling.ca

24 FOCUS ON ADOPTION

N

308

foster parents adopting a child in their care

orth

154

79

Aboriginal children placed

adoptions

(50% into Aboriginal homes)

93

kids aged 12+ were adopted

I

rior e t n

175

adoptions

I

ls and

149

st Fraser a o

C

adoptions

242

adoptions

644 adoptions in British Columbia in 2014-2016