111
Engaged & Newly-wed Couples
Engaged & Newly-wed Couples
Here is a practical little book that contains an abundance of helpful advice for one of humanity’s most challenging, yet rewarding, relationships, written by a counsellor who has had decades of experience advising couples who intend to marry as well as providing support to married couples who are going through a crisis. Whether you are still planning to marry, or have been married for some time, you will find a treasure-chest of wisdom on a wide range of subjects, such as: How to know if this is ‘The One’ The duration of courtship The wedding guest list Adapting to each other Getting along with relatives Working with money Planning a family Coping with conflict Dealing gently with each other’s emotions How to have fun together
Miguel Ángel Núñez has presented seminars about sexuality, dating and marriage for more than 15 years in over 20 different countries. He and his wife, Mery, have two adult children, Alexis and Mery Alin. Dr. Núñez enjoys reading, writing, listening to music and collecting sea shells.
Miguel Ángel Núñez
• • • • • • • • • •
111 Tips for Engaged & Newly-wed Couples
Do you desire a marriage that is God-centred, fulfilling and inspiring? Do you wish to avoid the mistakes that so often bring marriages tumbling down?
111
TIPS FOR
TIPS FOR
Miguel Ángel Núñez
Miguel ﾃ］gel Nﾃｺﾃｱez
111
TIPS FOR
Engaged & Newly-wed Couples
111 TIPS FOR ENGAGED & NEWLY-WED COUPLES Miguel Ángel Núñez Copyright © 2010 Africa Publishing Company First Edition (Spanish) 2009 Copyright © MÁ Núñez Second Edition (English) 2010 Copyright © Africa Publishing Company Third Edition (Portuguese) 2012 Copyright © Africa Publishing Company Africa Publishing Company PO Box 111 Somerset Mall 7137, Western Cape, South Africa Tel: +27 (0)21 8527656 Cell: +27 (0)83 5704585 Fax: +27 (0)86 5022980 Email: info@africacopublishing.com
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise – without prior written permission from the publisher. Unless otherwise marked, all Scripture references taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. ISBN: 978-0-9869799-1-0 Publisher: Marcos Cruz Assistant Publisher: Jeremi Sterley Translator: Carla Selyer Editor: Cindy Hurlow Designers: Sean Vöckerodt & Shawn Lochner Published in South Africa Notice: The publisher offers this book to the public in the hope that it will provide information and guidance to the benefit of the reader. However, the reader should keep in mind the role of professional advisors who are authorized to analyse readers’ individual circumstances and qualified to provide the best possible advice in each case. The publisher declines all responsibility should a problem occur from the reader’s use of this book.
Contents Introduction
8
1. God is not a match-maker
9
2. Being sure that this is The One
10
3. Pre-marital counselling
11
4. The right age to get married
12
5. Age difference
13
6. The duration of the courtship
14
7. Pre-marital sex
15
8. Weddings need to be planned
16
9. The date of the wedding
17
10. Choosing the time of day for the wedding
18
11. The civil wedding ceremony
19
12. Medical examinations
20
13. More medical advice
21
14. Choosing the church
22
15. A wedding not held in church
23
16. Choosing the marriage officer
24
17. Wedding expenses
25
18. Avoiding debt
26
19. It is your wedding
27
20. The guest list
28
21. Guests at the church
29
22. The organisation of the ceremony
30
23. The wedding dress is not the most important thing
31
24. The most important element of the wedding
32
25. Music and musicians
33
26. Children at the wedding
34
27. Photographs and DVD/video recordings
35
28. The necessity of a rehearsal
36
29. No wedding ceremony is perfect
37
30. The message book
38
31. The photographs
39
32. The organisation of the reception
40
33. The participation of friends and family
41
34. What to eat on the wedding day
42
35. The thank you’s
43
36. The honeymoon
44
37. Plan the wedding night
45
38. Achieving sexual compatibility
46
39. Living comfortably with each other
47
40. Beware of bearers of bad tidings
48
41. Living alone right from the start
49
42. Two or three years of adaptation
50
43. An additional blessing
51
44. Family planning
52
45. Preparing to be parents
53
46. Contraceptive methods
54
47. Vasectomy
55
48. Living within your means
56
49. It is wise to save
57
50. Budgeting
58
51. Planned purchases
59
52. Being cheap is often more expensive
60
53. Do not depend on your family for money
61
54. Money as joint income
62
55. Pocket money
63
56. Joint salaries
64
57. When she earns more than he does
65
58. Sun and light
66
59. Hospitable furnishings
67
60. Personal space
68
61. Family traditions
69
62. Friendship: the key to stability
70
63. Exclusive time together
71
64. The most important part of communication
72
65. Silence is golden
73
66. Important considerations for communication
74
67. Conflicts are inevitable
75
68. The family altar
76
69. The presence of God
77
70. A natural and effective medicine
78
71. Running away is not the answer
79
72. The best results come from hard work
80
73. It takes two to tango
81
74. Life’s priorities
82
75. Visits by relatives
83
76. Sharing your spouse with their family
84
77. Do not speak ill of your spouse’s family
85
78. Living with others
86
79. The home is a shared place
87
80. Where to talk
88
81. Public places
89
82. Do not let the sun go down on your anger
90
83. Let mealtimes be joyful
91
84. Giving in is not the answer
92
85. Your, my and our friends
93
86. If you want respect, give respect
94
87. Beware of your words
95
88. Violence is a dead-end street
96
89. Where to get help
97
90. Emotional scars
98
91. Task-sharing
99
92. Signs of sadness
100
93. Keep away from the TV
101
94. Important dates
102
95. Love: a delicate plant
103
96. Celebrate your spouse’s victories
104
97. Surprise your spouse with a gift
105
98. Avoid stereotypes
106
99. Monotony ruins marriages
107
100. Inspirational reading
108
101. Looking after your health
109
102. Setting goals
110
103. Marriage is not a merger of life plans
111
104. Do not live on borrowed dreams
112
105. The ability to laugh at yourself
113
106. Trust is fundamental
114
107. Criticism
115
108. Together, yet apart
116
109. A diary of happy memories
117
110. Accepting change
118
111. God’s plan for marriage
119
INTRODUCTION
T
here is no other partnership as challenging to manage as a marriage, yet there is also no other human institution with the potential to provide such abundant and varied satisfaction. Sadly, many young people leap into marriage as though they have all the answers and do not feel the need of any additional information or counsel. As wonderful as it is to become engaged and to marry, without a doubt you need to learn from the experiences of those who have travelled the path before you.
8
The guidelines in this book are pearls of wisdom accumulated over decades of providing premarital counselling to couples who intend to marry, as well as from working with married couples who are experiencing a crisis. It is wise to learn from another’s experience as it helps us to avoid their mistakes. This book gives the couple an opportunity to begin their marriage relationship with their eyes wide open to what is beneficial and what is detrimental. I know that my own experience of engagement and marriage would certainly have benefitted from these suggestions and much heartache could have been avoided. This advice is now available to anyone who desires to learn from someone who has been through this experience before. In the times in which we live getting married is a daring act, full of hope. Yet it is more than this; it is following God’s original and best plan for a man and a woman. May God, in His immense wisdom, guide those who are bold enough to believe in marriage.
1. GOD IS NOT A MATCH-MAKER
I
frequently hear expressions such as:
• God chose this woman to be my wife • I married him because it was God’s will • It is God’s will for us to be married
When I ask for concrete evidence for these beliefs, generally people do not know how to answer and only repeat their unfounded convictions. There is no biblical evidence to support the notion that God selects the person we should marry. This decision is entirely our own. However, God will gladly give us wisdom to make our selection if this is what we ask for with a humble and teachable spirit. God also provides us with the logical, intelligent tools to make appropriate choices and gives us principles in His word which will help us make the best choice. Without a doubt, though, the capacity to decide who will be your spouse is yours alone. God is not a match-maker, but He is pleased when we enter into marriage according to His principles.
9
2. BEING SURE THAT THIS IS THE ONE
O
ne of the questions most frequently asked by young people who are considering marriage is: How can I be sure that this is the right person for me? How can I be sure that he or she loves me? There is an extremely simple yet profound principle that the Bible teaches: “You will know them by their fruits” (Matt 7:16). This means that the actions of people show their intentions. Do not listen to what a person says; rather, concentrate on what they do.
10
Actions speak louder than words. In addition, Scripture emphasises the characteristics of true love. Where there is true love, there is “happiness, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness and self-control” (Gal 5:22). If these characteristics do not exist in your relationship, then you are not united by love. God gave us common sense, the ability to judge and the power to discern between what is good and what is bad. He expects us to exercise these faculties in order to make astute decisions in our marriage. The evidence is often right there in front of you. All you need to do is to be attentive and evaluate the person in whom you are interested People’s intentions most often will become clear. A feeling of distrust or unhappiness indicates that something is amiss and the relationship is unlikely to prosper. It is as simple as that.
3. PRE-MARITAL COUNSELLING
M
any couples naively believe that their love for each other is enough to make their marriage a success. This is, undeniably, a beginner’s mistake. Marriage is one of the most difficult unions in existence; yet, when successful, it is one of the most significant sources of satisfaction and stability. No one is born with complete understanding. Therefore it is important to consider the advice of someone who has successfully travelled the road before you. Participating in pre-marital counselling is in many ways a preventative measure. It can help the couple to avoid many pitfalls and to make good decisions to face the inevitable difficulties that arise. No sailor in his right mind would go to sea without making the necessary preparations and taking all possible precautions for his safety. What is mystifying is that so many people enter the complex union that is marriage without taking the precautions to avoid running aground on the rocks of ignorance! Pre-marital counselling is not merely important, it is vital.
11
4. THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED
I
am often asked about the right age to get married. In general, there is no fixed age; however, there are some basic points to be considered. Young people – men and women less than twentyone years old – are not good candidates for marriage because the majority of young people of this age are still dependent, both economically and emotionally, on their parents. Another more subtle factor is emotional maturity. At this stage, the young person typically does not yet possess a clearly defined system of values which would enable them to identify a suitable spouse. This is because they are usually going through a process of development themselves. Young people should be given three minimum conditions to consider before stepping into marriage: 12
• Be economically independent from your parents. Do not enter into marriage while you are dependent on someone else. • Be emotionally independent. This implies making your own decisions. • Have a clear life plan. If these three conditions do not exist, you should rather not marry regardless of your age. Focus on these three aspects in order to make wise decisions.
5. AGE DIFFERENCE
M
any people attach no significance to age difference, but it is an important factor to take into account. Some cultures consider it appropriate for the man to be older than his wife by not only a couple of years, but even by a few decades! This is not advisable as it can cause the relationship to become childish: one spouse considering the other as more of a parent-figure than a partner, or the older spouse domineering over the younger. I recommended that the age difference should not be more than five years. There is no problem with the woman being older as long as she is not more than five years older than her partner. The same applies to men. When both partners are young the age difference is not too noticeable but as the years go by it becomes more obvious. Being at different physical and emotional stages in their lives generally brings complications to the relationship and in many cases eventually leads to a break-up. Wisdom is following the advice of those who have learnt through experience what is best. That is what experience is for: to learn from and pass on. Of course love is important, but so are practical considerations such as age difference.
13
6. THE DURATION OF THE COURTSHIP
T
his is one of the problems that many face but few can clearly define. A general guideline is that a courtship should not last less than six months, neither should it last more than two years. The typical couple needs enough time to discover each other’s individual characteristics and this is not possible in less than six months. In such a short time the couple will not have sufficient opportunity to get to know each other thoroughly.
14
They will have only a superficial knowledge of each other which is not a strong enough foundation for marriage. When the courtship lasts for more than two years, the relationship tends to stagnate. Many get married simply because they have become used to the person they are with and, although it may become obvious that things will not turn out well, they do not end the relationship for fear that they will not find someone else. In this way, long courtships can cause more complications than short ones. Furthermore, physical and emotional intimacy develops over time. When the courtship is very long – that is, more than two years – the tension in the relationship increases to the point where the couple may compromise physically and engage in pre-marital sex. This is one of the reasons why a prolonged engagement period is not appropriate.
7. PRE-MARITAL SEX
W
hen the marriage date has been set and is fast approaching, many couples feel tempted to become sexually active. Even though this seems to be justified by reasoning such as, “We’re going to get married soon anyway,” or “There is so little time left, why wait?” the truth is a marital commitment can be undone even on the day of the wedding. When a couple has pre-marital sex, what they are actually doing is mortgaging their future. This is because they are committing themselves to each other on such a powerful physical and psychological level that, even if they come to realise that the other person is not the one they should marry, it will be difficult for them to end the relationship. Furthermore, couples that have sex before marriage tend to have conflicts of trust based on the privileges they have given each other: “If she did it with me, there’s no guarantee that she won’t do it with another person...” The best thing to do is to wait. The idea that a person should enter marriage with some type of sexual experience is a myth. Where there is love, there is always sexual compatibility. Respect each other’s limits and be willing to wait. “Everything under the sun has its own time” said the wise man, and this certainly includes your sex life.
15
8. WEDDINGS NEED TO BE PLANNED
T
he best way to ensure that a wedding will not turn out well is to fail to plan. If you leave everything to the last minute and forget about planning, your wedding may be a disaster. On the other hand, if you take the time to sit down together with a pencil and paper and carefully plan all the details, of which there are many, your wedding should go off very smoothly.
16
In this regard, men tend to be more careless than women because they are educated to think that planning the wedding is a woman’s job. The truth is that both partners should be involved to make sure that nothing goes wrong. Talking to married couples is very helpful as they can make recommendations and give advice. It is also useful to analyse the weddings of friends and acquaintances to help you decide what you want for your own wedding. Depending on their financial status, the couple might choose to make use of the services of a wedding planner to take care of all the details. However, if everything is done in due time, this will not be necessary.
9. THE DATE OF THE WEDDING
S
etting an appropriate wedding date is not always simple. As a general rule, you need to advise people of your wedding date at least six months in advance so that nobody, particularly the most important guests, will miss the occasion. If there are family members or friends who would need to travel long distances to your wedding, this needs to be considered. It would be prudent to set the date during a long weekend, if possible, so that those who need to travel will have enough time to get there. This aspect must be very well thought out since the invited guests may be forced to choose between your wedding ceremony and a holiday trip. Work or school responsibilities also need to be considered. You need to think of where the wedding ceremony will be held. If, for example, an outdoor venue is chosen, it should be during a period with no sudden weather changes which could spoil the party. Another factor to consider is the honeymoon trip; if you have previously agreed on it, you might want to choose the low season when prices will be cheaper. It is also important not to mix dates. For example, your wedding date should not be a date that coincides with your parents’ wedding anniversary. And, last but not least, you need to ensure the availability of the civil and church registry. It cannot be overemphasised: a wedding cannot be held on the spur of the moment. All the details need to be planned well in advance.
17
10. CHOOSING THE TIME OF DAY FOR THE WEDDING
T
he time of day at which the wedding ceremony is held is important, especially for Christians. The guests as well as the bride and groom need to be taken into consideration. The best time to get married is in the morning or early afternoon, when the reception can be over a breakfast- or lunch-time. A late afternoon wedding is also an option; however, a ceremony that starts late – that is, after six in the evening – will result in the proceedings ending very late at night which could cause complications for family and friends who may need to return home straight away. And when the couple are Christian and get married late at night, the result may be a poor witness because of undesirable situations potentially arising due to the late hour. 18
Darkness is the most common environment for some to forget their principles and values. In addition, often a wedding ceremony that starts at night implies much more expense and preparation than one held earlier in the day. A tea or lunch reception is simpler, not only in economic terms, but also because less preparation is required and a better environment is provided for the guests as well as for the bride and groom.
111
Engaged & Newly-wed Couples
Engaged & Newly-wed Couples
Here is a practical little book that contains an abundance of helpful advice for one of humanity’s most challenging, yet rewarding, relationships, written by a counsellor who has had decades of experience advising couples who intend to marry as well as providing support to married couples who are going through a crisis. Whether you are still planning to marry, or have been married for some time, you will find a treasure-chest of wisdom on a wide range of subjects, such as: How to know if this is ‘The One’ The duration of courtship The wedding guest list Adapting to each other Getting along with relatives Working with money Planning a family Coping with conflict Dealing gently with each other’s emotions How to have fun together
Miguel Ángel Núñez has presented seminars about sexuality, dating and marriage for more than 15 years in over 20 different countries. He and his wife, Mery, have two adult children, Alexis and Mery Alin. Dr. Núñez enjoys reading, writing, listening to music and collecting sea shells.
Miguel Ángel Núñez
• • • • • • • • • •
111 Tips for Engaged & Newly-wed Couples
Do you desire a marriage that is God-centred, fulfilling and inspiring? Do you wish to avoid the mistakes that so often bring marriages tumbling down?
111
TIPS FOR
TIPS FOR
Miguel Ángel Núñez