111 Tips For Raising Godly Kids by Africa Publishing Company

111

Raising Godly Kids

Avoiding idealism and worn-out answers, yet firmly grounded in biblical truth, this book offers support to those who are facing the challenges of contemporary parenting at all stages of a child’s development. Written by a pastor who is passionate about nurturing healthy Christian families, it is packed with practical and encouraging advice, such as: • • • • • • • •

Recognize that bonding begins before birth Help your child develop a good mental picture of God Create teachable moments Develop a heart connection with your child Let them solve problems Raise your children in Christ, not in church Let them know that to make mistakes is human Be gracious with your wayward children

Saustin Sampson Mfune

Saustin Sampson Mfune is currently serving as the associate director of Children’s Ministries at the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists in Silver Spring, Maryland, USA. Dr. Mfune has worked extensively as a pastor and administrator in the former East-Africa Division in Harare, Zimbabwe. His most recent service before accepting a call to the General Conference was as president of Malawi Union. He and his wife, Gertrude, have two grown sons and two adopted children who are in their late teens. Dr. Mfune is also the author of Parenting for Heaven.

111 Tips for Raising Godly Kids

Do you yearn to be an effective, positive influence in your child’s life? Do you desire to raise children for God’s kingdom?

111

TIPS FOR

Saustin Sampson Mfune

111

TIPS FOR Raising Godly Kids

111 TIPS FOR RAISING GODLY KIDS Dr. Saustin Sampson Mfune Copyright © Africa Publishing Company 2012 Africa Publishing Company PO Box 111 Somerset Mall 7137, Western Cape, South Africa Tel: +27 (0)21 8527656 Cell: +27 (0)83 5704585 Fax: +27 (0)86 5022980 Email: info@africacopublishing.com

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise – without prior written permission from the publisher. Unless otherwise marked, all Scripture references taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. ISBN: 978-1-920579-24-1 Publisher: Marcos Cruz Editor: Cindy Hurlow Designers: Melanie Kriel & Talene van Wyk Picture Editor: Sue Neumann Published in South Africa

Contents Introduction

1. Bringing children into the world is an awesome responsibility

2. Having children is an application of biblical theology

3. Be a part of building God’s nation

4. Passing on the baton

5. What is your value of a child?

6. Plan your family

7. Are babies a ‘blank slate’ when they are born?

8. The importance of early training

9. Character formation in the womb

10. Be careful what you ingest

11. Recognize that bonding begins before birth

12. Bond your child to the good things

13. Recognize that your child is special

14. Breastfeeding and your child

15. Understanding your baby – their first year

16. Understanding your baby – their second year

17. The crucial first three years

18. Laying the foundation

19. Principles of learning

20. Avoid over-stimulating your child’s brain

21. Cartoons and self-control

22. The spiritual dangers of TV viewing

23. The dangers of TV viewing to learning skills

24. Instil a reading culture in your children

25. You cannot give what you don’t have

26. If you want your children to be godly, be godly yourself

27. Introduce your child to the Bible as early in life as possible

28. Help them develop a good mental picture of God

29. Model good-guy behaviour to your children

30. Create teachable moments

31. Remember that values are caught rather than taught

32. Avoid setting your children up for failure in resolving conflicts

33. Your child’s attention span and memory

34. Watch your body language

35. Don’t spoil your children

36. Understanding your three to five year-old

37. Be mindful of this highly impressionable period

38. Develop a heart connection with your child

39. Take advantage of their love for stories

40. Love all people no matter their colour or ethnicity

41. Children and fear

42. Trust your child as modelled by Jesus in the story of the colt

43. Little imitators

44. Let them solve problems

45. Help your child develop social skills

46. Encourage their spirit of wanting to help

47. Deal with issues of sex candidly

48. Model true worship to your children

49. Don’t reinforce negative behaviour

50. Send your child to school at the appropriate age

51. Don’t ‘villainise’ other people and professions

52. Repetition is the mother of learning

53. Help them to understand the ‘cause and effect’ law

54. Help your child to be like a sunflower

55. Avoid using theological metaphors

56. You are your child’s ‘teleprompter’

57. Spend time in nature

58. Live a life of integrity

59. Fathers represent Christ

60. Fathers, get involved in raising your children

61. Discipline should be both firm and flexible

62. Respect your children

63. More on discipline

64. Teach your children Christianity – it does not come naturally

65. Some habits die hard

66. Understanding your six to nine year-old

67. Teach your children the 90/10 principle

68. Don’t allow the TV to replace you as parents

69. Be there for your children

70. Keep your home atmosphere pleasant

71. Don’t underestimate the power of words

72. Teach your children to dress appropriately for church

73. Help your children to view Christianity positively

74. Let your child teach Christian values

75. Let children know that giving is the foundation of being godly

76. Teach your children not to play with sin

77. Raise your children in Christ, not in church

78. Teach your children to respect people no matter their status

79. Understanding your ten to fourteen year-old

80. Be honest with yourself

81. God is our GPS

82. Ask God to come to your rescue

83. Understand the role of pruning

84. Walk the talk

85. Avoid making your child a hypocrite unintentionally

86. Help your child live a healthy life

87. Take charge of your children

88. Teach your children to be content with what they have

89. Build your child’s sense of self-worth

90. Teach your kids perseverance and resilience

91. Develop excellence in your children

92. Don’t compare your children to other children

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93. Each child is unique

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94. Learn to forgive and forget

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95. Let them know that to make mistakes is human

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96. Help your children to be philosophical about their problems

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97. Teach your children to be aware of hidden dangers

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98. Take your children’s doubts about you in your stride

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99. Be approachable just as God is approachable

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100. Help them to develop their own faith

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101. Know your role

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102. Without Jesus you can do nothing

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103. Don’t allow your nets to weaken

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104. Dealing with a wayward child

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105. Accept that you have made mistakes in the past

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106. Pray for their return

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107. Come close to your child

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108. What is grace?

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109. Be gracious with your wayward children

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110. All may not be as hopeless as it seems

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111. There are no perfect parents but only parents who are doing their best

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References

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INTRODUCTION

here is a story from Greek mythology which tells of a son born to Peleus and Thetis named Achilles. Achilles’ father Thetis, the hero of the Trojan War, was a very handsome man. According to the story, when Achilles was born, his mother dipped him into the Styx River hoping to make him immortal, probably because he was as handsome as his father. But when immersing him, she held the child by one heel which meant that this heel did not get wet. The result was that while the whole body of Achilles was immortal, this little part of his body that had not been touched by the magic waters of the Styx River remained mortal and vulnerable. And it was through this vulnerable spot in the heel that Achilles eventually met his fate. To this day, we refer to a person’s vulnerability or weakness as their “Achilles’ heel.”

There are many such ‘Achilles’ heels’ when it comes to parenting. It is my hope that this book will help you to address these problem areas commonly encountered while raising children so that ultimately your children will be found in the kingdom of God. Let us ensure that our children are not lost because of any ‘Achilles’ heels’ that we have neglected to identify. To effectively address the issues of parenting, the tips in this book have been arranged into sections which follow the natural progression of a parent’s experience. We first take a ‘big picture’ view of Christian parenting before moving on to tips related to pregnancy. Then we spend some time considering the best ways to approach the first three years of a child’s life. From there, the tips focus on parenting the three to five year-old, the six to nine year-old, and the ten to fourteen year-old. The final few tips endeavor to offer some encouragement to parents who are dealing with children who have rebelled. Many of us have made mistakes and we tend to ask, “What can I do now?” It is my prayer that the last section will offer some hope. May God bless your sincere efforts to raise godly kids who will live to serve Him.

1. BRINGING CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD IS AN AWESOME RESPONSIBILITY

on’t take the responsibility of bringing children into the world lightly. Together with God, you are co-creating human beings in His image. Take time to think about this seriously – co-creating human beings in God’s image. God could have populated the world without involving us. He populated the heavens by creating angels; He did not involve them in creating each other. We humans have been given creative powers which even the angels do not have! The fact that God trusts us enough to involve us in the creation process should make us want to live up to this trust, to prove to Him that we are worthy of His trust. When Jesus comes again and takes His children home, new members will be brought into His eternal kingdom. And these new members will be the children that we have produced. Raising godly children begins with the recognition that you are entrusted with this ability to create on His behalf. It is an awesome responsibility. Don’t take it lightly.

2. HAVING CHILDREN IS AN APPLICATION OF BIBLICAL THEOLOGY

t was God’s prerogative to make man and woman in His own image (Genesis 1:26, 27). He then told them to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth. To produce children, therefore, is to obey the words of God. It is practical theology. Without God’s creative act, there would be no man, no woman and consequently no children. The beginning of children is God. Have you ever considered that children are related to God first, before they are related to their parents and the community? When we have this understanding of our children, our perspectives change. It is impossible to think about raising children apart from God, since He is their original Father.

Not only are children the result of God’s command to ‘be fruitful and multiply’, but they are also a heritage of the Lord (Psalms 127:3) and a gift from God (1 Samuel 1:11). We should realize that we have no life independently from God. Life comes from God. And so procreation is a gift from God, the source of life.

3. BE A PART OF BUILDING GOD’S NATION

elson Mandela once said that a great nation is not known because of its infrastructure, but because of how it invests in its children. Remember that families are the building blocks of a nation. Invest in your children so that they can grow and serve their nation as God would require them. But Christian parents will go beyond building an earthly nation. We strive to work hard so that we and our children can be part of the ‘building blocks’ of the heavenly Kingdom. Noah and his wife understood this principle of investing in children. What helped them to rise above the foolishness of their day is that when others were drinking and living a frivolous life, Noah and his family were drinking from Jesus, the water of life. When others were building mansions, Noah was building an ark for the salvation of his family and all those who were willing to be saved. While others were eating sumptuous food, Noah and his family were feeding on Jesus Christ, the eternal bread of life. While others were marrying and being given in marriage, Noah and his family were the bride, waiting to be joined to the bridegroom, Jesus. Let us be like Noah and invest in our children in these spiritually dark days.

4. PASSING ON THE BATON

once watched a relay race on TV. As most of you know, a relay race is where a baton is passed from one runner to the next, for them to continue the race. What became very clear to me as I watched the race was that the secret to winning is to not lose momentum. The runner must pass the baton to his teammate while running at his fastest speed. In fact, the one who receives the baton begins to run way before the baton-holder reaches him.

In this particular event, Jamaica won the gold medal and in the process set a new world record. The Americans had been neck and neck with the Jamaicans, but then one of their runners took a fall, and was not able to pass the baton to his teammate. Later, when the unfortunate runner who had fallen was interviewed, he had many things to say but the sentence which stuck in my mind was, “I hate that it happened on the big stage….” Parents, let us strive to parent our children in such a way that we will successfully pass the baton on to the next generation, and they, in turn, will pass it on to the next generation and so on and so forth, until Jesus comes. Let us make sure that we do not fail “on the big stage”.

5. WHAT IS YOUR VALUE OF A CHILD?

hroughout history our attitude toward children has often been less than affirming. If we look back in time we can see that, for the most part, humanity has not given children the value they deserve based on their definition of what a child is. Some have defined children as accidents of passion and so their value has depended on the circumstances which surrounded their conception. Some have defined children as simply a means to preserve the human race, or to provide status to their parents. I came across a shocking story which occurred in New York in the mid-1800s which illustrates the low value once given to children. A court was attempting to intervene on behalf of an adopted child whose parents were abusing her. At that time there were laws in New York which protected animals from cruelty, but not children. Astonishingly, the only way the court could save the girl was to grant her protection on the grounds that she was a member of the animal kingdom! However, all who profess to be followers of Jesus should place the same value on children as Christ did. Matthew 19:13-15 tells us of the time when a group of mothers brought their children to be blessed by Jesus but the disciples stopped them, insisting that He was too busy dealing with more important issues. Jesus rebuked the disciples, saying, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as theseâ&#x20AC;? (Luke 18:16). Jesus valued children highly, and so should we.

6. PLAN YOUR FAMILY

hile some couples plan very carefully before having a baby, some don’t. They get married, get pregnant and have a baby – that’s it. It should be realized that ushering life into the world is not a small matter that can be faced with a casual attitude. Here are some things you should do as you plan to have a baby: • You need to pray about it seriously. Just as you prayed for the Lord to give you a life partner, you need to do likewise as you contemplate having a baby. • Prepare your home environment so that it is conducive to welcome this baby who will be raised on behalf of God. • Read extensively as to what the Bible and other godly authors say about raising children. 14

• Both parents must evaluate their health so that, as far as possible, they can avoid passing on any hereditary diseases or defects to their child. Consult a doctor for proper advice if you have any concerns about your health. • Discuss your ideas about raising children – discipline, expectations, lifestyle, roles, etc. • If the mother has a job outside the home, discuss and make decisions as to when she would return to work after giving birth and when the baby would be weaned. And should she return to work a few months after delivery, look into the implications of having your child left with a caretaker during most of the baby’s waking hours.

7. ARE BABIES A ‘BLANK SLATE’ WHEN THEY ARE BORN?

he idea that a child is born a tabula rasa, a ‘blank slate’ without being influenced by anything while in the womb, has long ceased to be the accepted belief. Research has shown that a child is born with a great amount of predetermined direction. There are many factors which contribute to this: • The activities of parents during pregnancy are crucial. For example, a husband who continually shouts at his wife will affect the woman in many ways. She is likely to have worried thoughts, mood-swings and stress. These negative emotions have the potential of affecting the unborn baby, causing it to experience stress and anxiety. • The mother’s nutritional habits have a direct impact on the baby, since what she eats gets transmitted to the baby through the umbilical cord. • If the woman works, the working environment can be stressful and can negatively affect the unborn child. • What the mother sees on TV and the kind of music she listens to will influence her emotional state. Music and programs that stimulate aggressive, angry or fearful feelings should be avoided.

8. THE IMPORTANCE OF EARLY TRAINING

any cultures have sayings which reveal an understanding of the importance of training children early. In the north of Malawi they have a saying which goes, “Nkhuzi nkhu ma thole,” which literally translates to “The bulls are in the calves.” The essence of the saying is that if you want strong and reliable bulls, you must take care of the calves.

A saying from the south of Malawi says, “Kutola khobwe ndi m’mawa” which literally means, “Picking cow peas is for the morning.” This saying is referring to the fact that when peas are dry and ready to be harvested, if you wait until late in the morning when the sun is hot, the pods become hard and dry so that when you try to remove them from their stalks, because of the dryness, they pop open, scattering the peas all over. But if you go early in the morning, the pods are wet from the dew and you can harvest them without losing any peas. The bottom line is that if you are going to raise great kids, you need to start doing it when they are still infants. If you delay, you will be unable to handle them.

9. CHARACTER FORMATION IN THE WOMB

lot has been said about nutrition in pregnancy, but not as much is said of the impact the mother’s thoughts have on the unborn child. In her book Mind, Character and Personality (Volume 1), Ellen White emphasises the fact that a pregnant mother can pass on to the foetus both her negative and positive qualities. She states that right from pregnancy, through the behaviour of mothers, the devil is already winning many children away from God’s kingdom. Mothers, your thoughts and actions are either influencing your child’s character for good or for destruction. The word character comes from the Greek word kharakter which means ‘engraved mark’ or ‘symbol or imprint on the soul’. All those things which preoccupy and worry your mind – your job-security, mortgage payments, family stresses – are forming your child’s character and personality. A well-known children’s song asks the question, “Why worry when you can pray?” Mothers, take your concerns to God and ask Him to fill you with His peace. Also, take heed of Paul’s advice in Philippians 4:8. On a daily basis, think about “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, and whatever is admirable; if anything is excellent or praiseworthy.” In so doing you are strengthening your child’s character against Satan’s efforts.

10. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU INGEST

he medication that an expecting mother takes can be potentially harmful to the foetus. In fact, some medications can lead to a child being born addicted to that particular drug. Some damage the baby’s brain and others deform the foetus. Take caution with the things you ingest. Always consult your doctor or seek advice from a qualified pharmacist before taking any type of medication.

It is reported that among those pregnant women who use cocaine, about 30% of the drug in the mother’s bloodstream manages to cross the placenta. The danger here is that, since the child’s liver is still developing and far from mature, it is not able to get rid of these toxins as quickly as possible. This means that the toxins remain in the baby’s system for a long time, while the mother would have eliminated the toxins in her system much earlier on. Undoubtedly, there are other things such as alcohol and caffeine which could have a similar negative impact on your baby’s development. Be careful what you ingest. You want to give your child the best possible start in life.

111

Raising Godly Kids

Saustin Sampson Mfune

111 Tips for Raising Godly Kids

Do you yearn to be an effective, positive influence in your child’s life? Do you desire to raise children for God’s kingdom?

111

TIPS FOR

Saustin Sampson Mfune