7 Enemies of The Family by Africa Publishing Company

Seven Enemies of the Family is a gift to your marriage and family and comes from the heart of a pastor and counsellor with many years of experience. It points out seven deadly enemies of the family and provides simple, powerful, and effective tools to overcome them. Using clear language and humour, Pastor Hernández helps us to battle common enemies like miscommunication, jealousy and mismanagement of finances, equipping us to build happier homes. Designed for those who are already married, as well as those embarking on a new journey together, this book provides practical examples and activities at the end of each chapter to improve relationships. Why battle these enemies alone? Conquer them all with God’s help and the expert assistance offered in this realworld guide.

7 ENEMIES OF THE FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM

Nobody gets married imagining that they will end up divorced. When we are young and in love, we believe that our love is invincible, yet we don’t need to look far to see lives close to home that are touched by the pain of broken relationships.

ROGER HERNÁNDEZ

7 ENEMIES OF THE FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM

ROGER HERNÁNDEZ

ENEMIES OF THE

FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM

ROGER HERNÁNDEZ

ENEMIES OF THE

FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM

Africa

PUBLISHING CO.

AFRICA PUBLISHING COMPANY PO Box 111, Somerset Mall, 7137, Western Cape, South Africa Tel: +27 (0)21 8527656 Cell: +27 (0)83 5704585 Fax: +27 (0)86 5022980 Email: info@africacopublishing.com ALL RIGHTS RESERVED This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means – electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise – without prior written permission from the publisher. Unless otherwise marked, all Scripture references taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. ISBN: 978-0-9869799-9-6 Publisher: Marcos Cruz Editor: Cindy Hurlow Translator: Cristina Black Designers: Talene van Wyk, Gill Howard & Kelly Ndiku Picture Selector: Sue Neumann Published in South Africa

I dedicate this book to: My beloved wife, Kathy

Because of your love, I am who I am.

My dear children

Vanessa and Jonathan, Yessenia and Deisy. For giving me the most joy that a human being can experience.

My faithful churches

Capital, Central, Silver Spring, Lawrence, Viena, Rosehill, Herndon, Annandale, Leesburg, The Rock, Hillsboro, Beaverton, and those whom God wishes to assign to me. My beloved brethren and church members have made my ministry what it is today.

My three closest friends

José Cortés Jnr, José Javier Colón, and Walter Pintos. Like God’s love, your love has been unconditional.

My dear parents

Pascual and Ana Thank you for teaching me in the ways of the Lord and His ministry.

My God and Saviour, Jesus

What would have become of me if You had not reached me? Thanks be to God, for I do not know the answer to that question.

ROGER HERNÁNDEZ

ENEMIES OF THE

FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM

CONTENTS Introduction: John and Belinda’s enemies

ENEMY ONE Neglecting the spiritual aspects of your life

ENEMY TWO Miscommunication

ENEMY THREE Conflict with the in-laws

ENEMY FOUR Neglected children

ENEMY FIVE Jealousy

ENEMY SIX Financial instability

ENEMY SEVEN Not understanding each other’s needs Conclusion: The enemies can be conquered because God is in control

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Introduction

John and Belinda’s enemies

John and Belinda were on their way to the lawyer’s office to sign their divorce papers. Tearful and filled with hatred and bitterness, they were determined to end that which had begun full of longing and promises of love. En route to their appointment with ‘destiny’, an avalanche of memories of everything that had happened in their four years of marriage came to their minds. There was no doubt about it: the magic had ended. John was born into a poor family, and, along with his five brothers, had learnt from an early age to appreciate each day’s meal since no one knew whether there would be anything to eat the next day. His father had not set the best example. He enjoyed having a drink or two every day, and was likely to waste the money that was meant for buying food. In addition, he wasn’t very affectionate towards John. He rarely congratulated him on his academic achievements or on his performance in sport. Sometimes he even physically abused him. Many of the arguments unleashed in the home ended with insults and blows aimed at John’s mother. She never spoke much. John would see her suffer in silence. He often saw his father walk out of the house, shouting and slamming the door as he left. John promised himself that when he was an adult with his own family, things would be different. He wasn’t going to be like his father. Eventually, by the time John reached adolescence, the little communication he had had with his father disappeared. Each time he saw his father, John felt a strange sensation in his stomach; at times he began to think that he might actually hate his own father. Graduating from high school and

heading off to university was a relief for John—an opportunity to forget. It was there, at the young age of 20, that he met Belinda. Belinda came from an upper middle class family who were very close. Her parents were not the richest in the neighbourhood, but they never wanted for anything. She kept the photos and videos of all the holidays they spent together as a family. Some of her most pleasant memories of childhood were those of supper times. Her father would gather everyone around the table. Belinda, her brother, her mother and her grandmother, who lived with them, would pray before eating. Supper time was sharing time for the family. How good Belinda felt after supper, when the family would clear the table, take the dishes to the kitchen, and continue talking in the living room. Belinda delighted in knowing that her parents were her friends and that she could share anything that happened in her life with them, whether good or bad. She loved her parents very much, and the knowledge that they loved her too, and that they were not afraid or embarrassed to express their love for each other, even in public, gave her security. Her father was so affectionate and loving that at times he would mildly embarrass his wife in front of their friends when he told her that he loved her. The family owned a shoe shop, where Belinda’s father had taught her everything he knew about the business. He had also told her that she and her brother would take over the family business when they were old enough. Although Belinda was interested in studying veterinary science, she did not want to disappoint her parents, so she chose to study business administration at university instead. It was there that she met John. It was love at first sight. John was impressed with Belinda’s confident contributions to class discussions. She, in turn, was attracted to his independent spirit. When John asked Belinda out on a date for the first time, Belinda didn’t hesitate. From then onwards, a new world opened up to them. Belinda was surprised at how John planned from one moment to the

next to be with her, while John admired the systematic way in which Belinda organised her life. And, even though her marks were much better than his, it did not bother him; the most important thing was that they were together. One starry night, John asked Belinda to be his girlfriend. Belinda accepted, but she was worried about what her parents would say. She had told them about John and their reaction had not been positive. The fact that John’s parents had separated and that he had not spoken to his father for years was reason enough for Belinda’s parents to worry. In contrast, when John’s mother had found out about her son’s romance, she was delighted, feeling sure that Belinda would make a good partner for her son.

During the courtship, everything seemed rosy. Of course, there were a few small problems. It was Belinda who spotted them first. She noticed that John would sometimes be upset if she went out without telling him where she was going. John would smilingly defend himself, saying, “He who loves, is jealous.” To John, some of Belinda’s habits—like the daily telephone calls to her parents—seemed strange. Sometimes he wanted to surprise her with a spontaneous date, but she would be unable to join him due to family commitments. This irritated John, as did the frequent family get-togethers he had to attend with her. When he did accompany Belinda, it was only to please her. He began to make up excuses for not attending and deliberately planned other activities on the same day so that she would have to choose between him and his family. This situation led to more than one argument. It was during one such quarrel that John became so angry that he verbally abused Belinda. She had never been shouted at in such a manner, and the experience shook her. She felt that it might be best if she ended their relationship. However, a couple of hours later, John arrived with a beautiful bunch of flowers and a heart-shaped chocolate. Because of this display of contrition, Belinda forgave him. A week later— on Valentine’s Day, the day of love and romance—John proposed, and Belinda accepted. The wedding was going to be a dazzling event. However, as is common, there was some tension. For one, Belinda’s family took charge of all the wedding plans. It bothered John that his ideas were not welcomed

and that Belinda’s father had made all the arrangements, including buying the tickets for the honeymoon. John would have liked to go to Hawaii, but his in-laws insisted on a trip aboard a cruise liner like they had had when they got married. Another point of friction was the reception. Although they were both Christians and attended church services, Belinda was far more committed than John was. As a boy, he had never known what family worship was. His family would attend the occasional church service, but they would arrive late and leave before the service had ended. Belinda had been involved in church activities from a young age. She sang, participated in the youth drama programmes, and led a small group of Christian university students. In her opinion, there should be no dancing or alcoholic drinks at the reception. John disagreed. He had many nonChristian friends with whom he enjoyed a celebratory beer from time to time. “A beer now and then isn’t a bad thing,” reasoned John. After a long discussion, however, they agreed that there would be no alcohol at the reception, but that dancing would be permitted after ten o’clock. When the wedding day finally arrived, another unfortunate misunderstanding occurred. Someone had secretly added rum to the juice being served at the reception. None of Belinda’s relatives stayed until the end of the celebration. When they left, Belinda’s eyes filled with

tears and John’s stomach knotted with anger. Neither of them spoke about the incident. The more serious problems began almost immediately after the wedding. Belinda began to see changes in her husband. The weaknesses that she had noticed in his character became more evident. John’s frequent change of plans and inability to finish what he started began to bother her. She also felt more and more frustrated that he did not go to visit her parents with her and sometimes spoke unkindly about them. When Belinda’s mother would phone their home, wanting to speak to her, John would tell her that his wife was not there, even though this was not true. The arguments became more and more frequent and their frustration grew with each passing day. They could not reach consensus. When they argued, John would become so enraged that he would throw objects around and slam the door when he left. Once, Belinda told him that she regretted having married him. John lost his temper. He grabbed her by the throat, almost suffocating her. Of course, a few hours later, he returned, smelling of alcohol but carrying two dozen roses. Belinda allowed him in, but felt that her love was changing to pity. Like Belinda, John too, felt unsettled. For example, he wanted to use the weekends to spend time together, but Belinda would not miss church. He also noticed that she had changed when it came to intimacy. They no longer had sex regularly, and when they did, it was monotonous and devoid of passion. Around the same time, one of John’s female colleagues began to show an interest in him, and, for the first time, he found himself feeling attracted to someone other than his wife. Going against his principles, John began a friendship with the woman, motivated by the way this woman made him feel. She accepted him as he was. One afternoon, before leaving the office, he gave his friend a kiss and was immediately consumed by guilt. He promised himself that he would never do it again. John’s arrival at home was a source of conflict and tension. Belinda was

frustrated with his irresponsibility and constantly told him so. To John, it seemed as though nothing he did pleased her, and he began to spend longer hours at work. Weeks passed with no significant personal contact between John and Belinda, except for a few brief sexual encounters. One hot August afternoon, the bomb that they had been creating exploded. John got a phone call from his mother-in-law, during which she reprimanded him for mistreating her daughter. John was furious! He hurled the telephone—and any other objects within his reach—across the room. Finding him drunk upon arriving at home, his wife tried to sit him down and calm him to tell him the news that would change their lives. “John, I’m pregnant!”

John was shocked. Pregnant? How can I be a father? thought John. Without a word, he left for his friend Steve’s house, and did not return until the next day. Belinda had hoped that the arrival of the new member of the family would improve matters, but it was not to be. What was supposed to be good news unleashed more problems. From the beginning, the couple had struggled to manage their finances, and the arrival of the baby placed further strain on their financial instability. Belinda reproached John for not earning enough to support the family. John thought it would be best to file for bankruptcy. They were tired of the constant phone calls from their creditors, and, between the five credit cards, they owed more than the equivalent of three month’s salary. Their financial problems stemmed from poor administration, since they had very different perspectives on money. John squandered his salary on alcohol, as well as electronic equipment such as radios and computers. Each month he would buy a new item for his collection on credit. When I was a child, I didn’t have much. Now that I have money, I’m going to enjoy it, he reasoned. This wasteful attitude exasperated Belinda, who had learnt to live on a budget and understood the importance of saving towards a healthy ‘nest egg’ for emergencies. John and Belinda’s situation had deteriorated to the extent that John no longer slept at home. Moreover, it bothered him that Belinda had gained so much weight with the pregnancy. He did not comment on it, but his displeasure was evident. Belinda wasn’t the same, and John began to spend more time with his friend from work. Within a short time he was justifying his actions as he searched for excuses to be with her, as she had now become his lover. When the baby was born, their problems reached a culmination. John spent most of his time away from home, and gradually less time with his wife and newborn child. He drank heavily to escape—for however short a period—from the burdens that overwhelmed him. The financial pressure was astounding. Conversations with his wife inevitably ended

with insults. The in-laws meddled in the coupleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s private affairs and Johnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s self-esteem hit rock-bottom. He knew that he had been a bad father and husband. To complete the picture, he felt like a hypocrite the few times he accompanied his family to church, since he could not put his feelings of guilt aside or erase the problems they had at home from his mind. He had to escape! He needed to regain his mental health. Should he get divorced? The first time he thought it, he felt bad. He had never considered the idea of divorce before. What he did not know was that his wife was thinking the same thing.

At one of Belinda’s family’s meetings, John met a lawyer with whom he made an appointment. And this is where we now find John and Belinda; on their way to the lawyer to sign the divorce papers. With tears in their eyes and mixed feelings, they are determined to end that which began so full of hope and promises of love. Does the story of John and Belinda sound familiar to you? The truth is that, statistically, three out of every five marriages end in divorce. Nobody gets married thinking that they will get divorced one day. In the last 50 years, more than 30 000 books have been written on the subject of marriage, yet divorce rates continue to increase. Why? Because an enemy wants to destroy our homes. This enemy has attempted to do so since the Garden of Eden. For this reason, this book was written to help you to be victorious over this deadly enemy. Let us look at the following example. If you were a general leading your soldiers into battle, you would need to be assured of two things: firstly, that your soldiers were well trained, and secondly, that you had gathered all the information possible about your enemy and his strategies. If you neglected these two aspects, your chances of victory would be significantly less. The same applies to marriage. Those who get married face enemies that want to destroy their homes—enemies such as miscommunication, jealousy, strained relationships with the in-laws and mismanagement of finances. In this book we will analyse some of the most common enemies of marriage, and, more important, how to gain victory over them. The knowledge I will share with you comes from the experience I have gained in service as an evangelical minister. During the twelve years of my ministerial service, I have come to the conclusion that there is no element more important for the well-being of the church, society and the world, than a happy and healthy family. I do not claim to be familiar with all the questions or know all the answers; I merely wish to share some ‘weapons’ or strategies with which you can defeat these marital enemies.

At the same time, I will offer you tools to build a better home with God’s help. For those who are preparing to take the big step into marriage, for those who are recently married, and for the veterans of marriage, this is my humble gift. My dear friend, what you will find here comes from the heart of a pastor who has seen more divorce cases than you can imagine. Let us begin to destroy the enemies that attack our homes. With the apostle Paul, let us say: “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31). Let us conquer these enemies, in Christ’s name!

ENEMY ONE NEGLECTING THE SPIRITUAL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE

“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labour in vain” (Psalm 127:1) Marriage itself is difficult enough without complicating matters by leaving Jesus out of the family equation. I will illustrate this as follows. We live in an ‘instant’ and ‘disposable’ world. Things are made to be enjoyed in the moment and thrown out if we do not like them, or if they go out of fashion. It is possible to go to a restaurant such as MacDonald’s and get a burger, chips and a cold drink in less than five minutes. Even our vocabulary contains expressions describing this way of life: fast food, instant coffee, paper plates. It seems that these phrases form part of our lifestyle. The problem arises when we want an instant family, or, even worse, spiritual ‘fast food’. We want to be able to push a button and, hey presto, we have well-behaved children who enjoy church! Push another button, and you have a meaningful relationship with Jesus! I am sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn’t work that way. The gospel is better ‘digested’ slowly and ‘well prepared’, rather than quickly and ‘half raw’. In other words, the gospel is not fast food! It has been said that the average amount of time spent by couples on quality communication is just ten minutes daily. Yes, you read correctly! Ten minutes! And we’re not referring to expressions such as, “Jack, won’t you please take out the rubbish?” or “Debbie, please won’t you dish up?” We are talking about ten minutes of real communication between a husband and wife. Consider this interesting question: if we spend only ten minutes a day communicating

with our partners, who we can see and touch, how much time do we spend each day communicating with a God we cannot see? Today there are more divorces, more adulterous relationships, more unmarried couples, less communication and less time spent with children, and consequently, less respect for marriage—the institution created and blessed by God. Why? Could it be because, in our eagerness to make more money, we have forgotten who the owner of money is? It is a lack of spirituality that has allowed many of these marital enemies to wreak havoc in our homes. In the following pages, I will present various suggestions to help you develop and strengthen your relationship with God in your home. They are divided into three sections: My God and I; My God, my partner and I; and My God, my partner, my children and I.

A. MY GOD AND I It is impossible to give something that you do not have. Before guiding your family towards a closer relationship with God, you need to be assured of a closer experience with Him yourself. This begins with studying the Word of God, and prayer. Let us consider five practical ways to study the Bible. Whether you have been a Christian for a long time and are simply trying different methods, or have recently been baptised, these suggestions will be useful.

1. How to read the Bible (without falling asleep) a. Listen to the Word of God. The apostle Paul wrote: “Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ” (Romans 10:17). So, your faith increases by listening to the Word of God! You can do this by means of Christian videos, Bible classes, seminars or studies such as this one, sermons, CDs, DVDs, via the Internet—in fact, the possibilities are endless! If you listen to the Bible on

CD in the car while you drive to work each morning, you will have heard it all in 40 days. If you have to drive anyway, why not make use of the time you spend in the car to improve your character and increase your faith? b. Study the Word of God. The apostle Paul said of the Christians of Berea “[they] were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true” (Acts 17:11, emphasis added). The key word here is not ‘read’, but ‘examined’. It is better to take a short passage of Scripture and study it thoroughly than to quickly read five or six chapters. c. Memorise a portion of God’s Word. Follow the advice God gave His people: “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up... be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, 12). Even if you memorise only one verse a day, you will soon find yourself including Biblical texts in your everyday conversations. When problems or temptations come your way, you will be able to confront them—not on your own, but with the power of God. d. Meditate on the Word of God. Blessed is the man “whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night” (Psalm 1:2). To meditate

is not to sit cross-legged with closed eyes, as if on another planet. To meditate is to ask yourself the question: “How can these texts, if applied, help me to change my life today?” In other words: “What changes should I make in my life if I were to apply what I have read today?” e. Practise what you read. You know the saying, “Practise what you preach.” In a similar way, you need to aim to practise what you read. This is possibly the most important part of reading the Bible. Reading for the sake of reading, or memorising hundreds of verses, is pointless if we do not practise what we read. Each time we read a passage of Scripture, we should apply it to our lives regardless of how difficult it may seem. God has promised to give us the strength to do it. Remember this verse: “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock” (Matthew 7:24). It is good to listen, know, meditate, and study, but it is more important to practise.

2. Prayer is more than asking

Petition Gratitude Confession Adoration The Prayer Ladder

Often our prayers resemble wish-lists written to Santa by children at Christmastime. But prayer is so much more than that. To pray is to talk to God. As Ellen White said, “Prayer is the opening of the heart to God as to a friend” (The Privilege of Prayer, 93). An easy way of doing this is to use ‘The Prayer Ladder’ which I present to you on the left. a. Adoration. Begin your prayer by concentrating on all of God’s attributes. You might want to begin with one of the following phrases:

• “God, I praise you because you are good, great, forgiving, holy, just...” • “Jesus, I praise you because you are my saviour, my shepherd, my Lord, my rock, my protector.” • “Holy Spirit, I praise you because you are my consolation, my guide, the one that convicts me.” The Bible is filled with names for and attributes of our Creator. When you begin your prayer by exalting God’s characteristics, you prepare yourself to pray according to His will; all self-importance is forgotten, and you break the habit of using prayer simply as a soliciting tool. b. Confession. After praising and adoring God, confess your sins. Don’t just say, “Lord, forgive me all my sins.” You should be specific! For example, if you looked at another woman or man with impure desires, tell the Lord. If you spoke ill of your neighbour, ask for forgiveness for breaking one of the commandments. If you lied, confess it. Remember: “Prayer does not bring God down to us, but brings us up to Him.” (Ellen G. White, Steps to Christ, 93).

c. Gratitude. This part is very important. I recommend that you write down everything that you have asked of God so that you can see how much you have to be thankful for. Often we are like the ten lepers in the Bible story. We approach God with ten problems that we would like Him to resolve but we return to thank Him for only one. d. Petition. This part of the prayer should consist of two parts: personal petition and intercessory petition. You should pray for your personal requests, needs and problems that have not been resolved yet, but you should also pray for the needs of others. You can make a list of people for whom you pray daily. It is intercessory prayer that changes situations by releasing the power of God on problems that may seem impossible to resolve. You should not end your intercessory prayer before remembering your family. Pray daily for your loved ones. In the next section, we will study a prayer from the Bible that will help us to recognise Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s will for our families and the blessings we will receive if we accept it.

B. MY GOD, MY PARTNER AND I You have no doubt heard the expression, “The couple that prays together, stays together.” This is as true today as it was before! Every morning, as a couple, it is our duty to ask God to do four things for us and our loved ones: • to keep us close to Him • to protect us from evil

• to guide us in our decisions • to grant us success in all that we undertake

An easy and effective way to do this is to pray the Prayer of Jabez, which says: “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain” (1 Chronicles 4:10). This prayer briefly summarises what God wants for your family today. I have seen God’s blessings through tangible results in my home and in my church when we have prayed this prayer. I challenge you to use this prayer every day for a month, and carefully observe the changes in your life and in the life of your family.

C. MY GOD, MY PARTNER, MY CHILDREN, AND I Once you have taken care of your own spiritual condition, and have prayed together as a couple, you are ready to focus on the spiritual life of your family.

1. Five suggestions for excellent family worship a. Make it brief. The gospel is eternal, but family worship shouldn’t be! Fifteen minutes is a good time to start with. Unless there are unusual circumstances, you should not exceed thirty minutes for family worship.

b. Make it interesting. Monotony and routine are the worst enemies of family worship. Try to find ideas for making worship more interesting and meaningful, starting at the Christian bookshop closest to you. c. Make it relevant. Use modern stories that will be relevant to your children. You can also look to nature, animated videos or household tools that could serve as object lessons or illustrations in studying the Word. We live in a visual world. People remember more if they can recreate the story in their minds or participate in it, rather than being limited to listening to it. If you use the five senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell) in your worship, you will achieve much more effective results. d. Make it participative. Give your children the opportunity to think of new ideas and innovations for family worshipâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;dramas, biblical games, songs learnt in Bible class, etc. Certainly, they will not have the sophisticated manner of an

adult, but they might surprise you. Do not criticise them if they confuse facts, such as mixing up the names of Jonah and Noah. If they experience family worship as their own, they will enjoy it all the more. e. Simply do it! If you hope to plan the perfect family worship activity before trying it, you will never do it. As the slogan for Nike said: Just do it! Start today!

2. Four suggestions for developing your children’s spirituality a. Take them to all worship activities at church, especially to the children’s worship, from an early age. This is especially important in the first seven years of the child’s life when his mind absorbs everything like a sponge. It is sad to see how some parents arrive at church late and without any commitment, but are later shocked that their children are indifferent to worship. Parents, do not rob your children of the blessing of a spiritual education! Take them to church from an early age! b. Do not speak badly of your brother, sister, or pastor in front of your children. Children are very observant. Your child will notice how you seem to greet the brother in church with love, only to criticise him on the way home. This will teach your child to be a hypocrite. c. Never use church as punishment. Do not discipline your child by removing privileges such as the weekly Pathfinders meetings, an outing with the adolescents, or any other social activity for the children. You can restrict access to the phone, the X-Box or Nintendo, but do not forbid activities that will nurture their appreciation of God’s goodness. d. Introduce them to a loving Jesus. Do not show your children a vengeful God who is always on the lookout for an opportunity to punish. Do not use phrases such as: “God doesn’t like children who are always late,” or worse, “God doesn’t love children who misbehave in church.” He

loves them all for all time. He is not a heavenly policeman, He is a loving Father. Your children cannot see God, but they will know Him through you and your attitudes towards Him. Let us consider this statement from Ellen White: “Great is the honour and the responsibility placed upon fathers and mothers, in that they are to stand in the place of God to their children. Their character, their daily life, their methods of training, will interpret His words to the little ones. Their influence will win or repel the child’s confidence in the Lord’s assurances” (The Ministry of Healing, 375).

3. Three things that destroy spirituality in the home a. Parents who are concerned with saving the world while they are losing the battle in their own homes. Our first and most important responsibility before God is our partner and our children. There are parents who will make the effort to help a brother in need at midnight if necessary, but are incapable of doing the simplest of tasks in their own homes, such as taking out the rubbish. b. Living one life at home and another in church. I knew a church leader who spoke and preached beautifully, but his wife seemed to always be ill and would sometimes arrive at church with a black eye. The poor woman was a victim of her husband’s physical abuse. The beautiful words of that church leader were totally empty and had no meaning at home. For the same reason, many of our children leave the church because they have heard their parents say beautiful things about Jesus, but act contrary to these words in their homes. c. Believing that going to church is enough to ensure a spiritual family. It is illogical to think that a few hours spent with God each week are enough to counteract the many hours spent in front of the television, listening to music, or playing computer games. Help your children to develop a daily and personal relationship with God.

It may be that after reading this chapter you are feeling sad because you realise that your family is not ideal. Do not grieve over it! Cling to this thought and make it part of you every time doubt or fear rushes in: Do not go to God to tell Him that you have a great problem; look at the problem and tell it you have a great God!

Marital Tune-Up Questions to consider 1. What is your spiritual life like? Burning like a bonfire! Weak as a candle Completely dead 2. In which area of your life do you need more help right now? I need blessings

I need direction

I don't know what I need

I need protection

3. What prevents you from spending more time on family worship? Too much work

Spiritual disillusionment

I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how to do it

I do family worship regularly

GOAL SETTING I pledge, through Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s grace, to improve my spiritual life. To achieve this, I will begin by having family worship ____ times per week and praying the prayer of Jabez daily for one month.

Begin now by doing the following exercise with your partner: My God, I praise You because You are ______________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________ ______________________________________

A thought to treasure

“Do not go to God to tell Him that you have a great problem; look at the problem and tell it you have a great God.” – Anonymous

I want to confess my sin of _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ I thank You for _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ I ask that _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ A PROMISE TO REMEMBER “Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, ‘Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain’” (1 Chronicles 4:10).

ENEMY TWO MISCOMMUNICATION

Problems? Every family has them. While we all long for peace in our homes, this sought-after condition cannot be defined as ‘an absence of problems’. If you are waiting for the day when there will be no more problems at home, I am sorry to disappoint you, but that day will never arrive. The reason for this is that we are all different. We come from different families and cultures; we are of different sexes, with diverse habits and ways of looking at the world. There is a well-known book about the differences between men and women, written by John Gray, entitled Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Interesting title, isn’t it? (I sometimes joke that someone should write a follow-up book, Men are Martians, Women are Lunatics, but I don’t think anyone would publish it!) The truth is that due to difficulties with communication, it does seem like we come from different planets at times. The way in which we resolve conflict in our homes clearly shows our differences. In this chapter, after we have looked at the incorrect ways to resolve conflict, we will discover the Bible’s advice for improved communication.

1. Incorrect ways to resolve conflict When we are faced with a conflict situation, we commonly—and usually unconsciously—draw on the following factors when attempting to resolve the conflict:

• Our upbringing: What we saw and heard at home when we were children • Our personalities: The way in which we were raised • Our personal experiences: Significant events in our lives There are various incorrect ways of resolving conflict. You are likely to identify with at least some of the following methods: a. The Eskimo. Eskimos live in Alaska and other Arctic countries, in the freezing snow and ice. Similarly, the ‘Eskimo’ partner resolves his or her personal conflict by means of physical and emotional coldness. The reaction to a problem is to not speak about it with your partner. Some people have told me, “Pastor, I haven’t spoken to my wife for two weeks,” to which I usually respond, “What are you hoping to achieve by doing that? A prize? An Oscar, or a Grammy?” Eskimo partners think that if they do not speak to their partners they are ‘punishing’ him or her. Furthermore, they believe that if they do not talk about what has happened, things will correct themselves. Both strategies are incorrect. Their favourite sayings are: “Don’t touch me” and “I have nothing to say to you.” They draw an imaginary line down the middle of the bed and say, “This is my side of the bed and that is your side. You don’t come over to my side and I won’t come over to yours.” Because the Eskimo partner finds it difficult to express what he or she is feeling, the biggest challenge for the person married to an Eskimo partner is that they have to imagine or guess what could be going through the other person’s mind. Nobody can read minds. Their efforts to resolve the as yet undefined problem will be fruitless. This is an incorrect way of resolving conflict. Your partner cannot know how you

are feeling if you do not tell him or her. There is nothing more frustrating in a marriage than knowing that something is wrong without being told what it is. If you tend to be an Eskimo partner, I want to encourage you to speak up! Perhaps it will be difficult at first, but in time you will see how communication in the home will be restored. b. The ostrich. This partner is similar to the Eskimo partner since he also does not voice the problem, but his reactions are more extreme. When the ostrich partner experiences conflict, he hides behind something or someone so as to avoid the problem. He sticks his head into a hole to escape. Sometimes this ‘hole’ is alcohol or drugs, but it is not limited to these. At times the ‘hole’ is represented by over-working, too much time spent on outings with friends, or excessive attention to church responsibilities. Trying to ignore problems is not a good way of resolving them. No matter how much you may stick your head into a hole like the ostrich does, the situation that burdens you will not improve. A neglected problem is not a resolved problem. In fact, a neglected problem is most likely a growing problem. Pretending that problems do not exist does not make them disappear; on the contrary, in most cases it makes them multiply. This is best illustrated by a story I heard a long time ago. Andrew had many problems at home. His motherin-law hounded him, his wife constantly ordered him around, his children did not respect him and even his dog ignored him. He decided to go to the bar to

forget about his hardships. When he arrived at his ‘escape hole’ he found Peter, an old childhood friend, at the door. Curiously, Peter asked him, “What brings you here, my friend?” “I’ve come to drown my sorrows,” answered Andrew. And that is what he tried to do. For the next four hours, Andrew drank everything he could get his hands on: beer, whisky, vodka, tequila. Eventually he was raging drunk and ready to go home. Reclining in the doorway to the bar was Peter, who asked him, “So, did you manage to drown your sorrows?” Scarcely able to talk due to his drunkenness, Andrew replied, “If only you knew, Peter—my problems have learned to swim!” The same thing happens with us. We cannot solve our problems by ignoring them, and even less so by running away from them. We have to face them with much prayer and effort, and help will come from God.

c. The gunslinger. This method of resolving conflict is the opposite of the Eskimo or the ostrich. Whereas those two hardly talk, the gunslinger overdoes it. To the gunslinger, every problem is seen as a military battle. All conflict is attacked with projectiles in the form of words. The gunslinger (whether male or female) uses words aimed to hurt their partner. Every discussion is more heated than the previous one, and every challenging situation is a crisis during which they cannot speak without slinging insults. Phrases such as “I regret marrying you!” and “I wish I had never met you!” are common. The gunslinging partner speaks first and thinks later. Words have astounding power, whether for good or for bad. They can make one feel as if one is in heaven itself, or experience the suffocating heat of hell. After being verbally attacked like this, some have said to me, “I would have preferred it if my spouse had struck me, rather than hurt me with those words.” Some of the more common expressions used by the gunslinger include: “If you don’t like it, there’s the door!”; “If you don’t like me the way I am, I’ll leave,” and “Why don’t you just go and leave me in peace?” Sounds pathetic, doesn’t it? I prefer to do things differently, following this truism: “I shall speak sweet words, in case I am required to eat them.” God has given us two ears and only one tongue; perhaps because He wants us to do twice as much listening as talking. Use your words to construct, to encourage, to boost your partner’s self-esteem! Remember: “Nobody has ever regretted not saying something wrong.” d. The boxer. This partner resorts to physical violence to deal with frustration. Generally, conflict results in aggression: blows, beatings, scratches, shoving and similar actions. This is followed by regret and sadness for what has happened, accompanied by promises that it will never happen again. But those promises are like ropes of sand—they

serve no purpose. The next conflict will lead to the ‘boxing ring’ again, and the vicious cycle of aggression, sadness, promises, and conflict will continue. Without significant intervention, the aggressive partner will never mature to the point where they learn to express their emotions in a constructive manner. If you are suffering the aggression of your partner, break the circle of violence today! Seek help and stop living in fear! e. The archaeologist. An archaeologist’s passion lies in excavating ancient buried history and making sure that we never forget the past. However, there are those who do this at home, too. They constantly delve into the past, reopening old wounds. They waste no time in reminding their partner of a past wrongdoing. “Do you remember?” is their favourite phrase. If we are constantly recalling the past, it will prevent us from resolving the problems we face in the present. Let us leave the archaeologists to digging up the past. Your marriage will never reach the ideal God has for you if you

are unable to forgive and forget. How do you do that? You can begin by remembering the following: • Forgiveness is not an emotion, it is a decision. If you expect to feel the desire to forgive, you will probably never feel it. • Set the following goal for yourself: never speak about the past! It is not easy for those who are used to doing it, but it is necessary. • Focus on the present. Resolve today’s problems today, leave tomorrow’s for tomorrow, and what has happened in the past must be forgotten. We cannot drive backwards. With regard to conflict overall, I have learned to see things in the following way: for every ten conflict situations that you expect to have, five will never happen, two will not be as bad as you expected them to be, another two will be manageable with some effort, and one, however much you do, will be unsolvable. So, why worry?

2. Biblical advice for improved communication To continue, we will study four biblical—and practical—principles for achieving good communication as a couple. I strongly believe that if we have the Word of God as our base, we will be building on a firm foundation. a. Don’t interrupt. “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). There is nothing more frustrating for a speaker than being interrupted constantly. Allow the other person to finish speaking before giving your opinion. By constantly interrupting your partner, you are conveying the message, “What you are saying is not important to me.” Resist the urge to jump in and speak before your partner has finished speaking.

You are probably thinking, “Pastor, that is impossible with my partner. If I allow them to start speaking, they will never end!” If this is your situation, my advice to you is to jot down the relevant points you wish to raise later, but, at all costs, avoid interrupting in self-defence. Try it! The results might surprise you! b. Always speak the truth, without exaggeration. “Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:9,10). Phrases such as “you always…” or “you never…” are usually called exaggerations, but they are, in fact, lies. They should be removed from your vocabulary and never be uttered. When you use expressions such as these, you immediately provoke a defensive reaction in your partner, since it is often simply not true. As a result, you do not remain focused on the problem at hand, but rather focus the attention on your partner in order to prove that your theory is correct. c. Say “I feel...” rather than “You are...” Another phrase that is counterproductive in communication is the expression “You are...” When we use this expression, we are also shifting the focus to the person rather than keeping it on the problem. This expression has an accusatory tone, and immediately elicits a negative reaction from the other person, who tries to defend himself or herself against a supposedly unwarranted attack. Your intentions may be good, but little things such as these are precisely what derail the communication train in a marriage. d. The goal is progress, not perfection. “[Be] confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). The old saying goes, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” In the same way, you cannot expect to see changes in your marriage in a short time. One of the frustrations in a marriage arises from the expectation, from one or both of the partners, of perfection or total

change. Most couples are familiar with this frustration, thinking that with just a few tweaks here and there, they can change their partner into the ‘perfect’ partner. When the problem is not so easily resolved—or worse, when the old problem resurfaces—the whole process is abandoned and they exclaim, “This one will never change. He will always be the same!” Do you know why this happens? Because the focus is on achieving perfection instead of acknowledging progress. Ask yourself the following question: In the past month, have there been any improvements in my marital relationship, however small, compared to last month? If your answer is yes, rejoice and praise God! Bit by bit, day by day, week by week, you will see how the Lord goes about doing His work in your home. Do not be impatient or lose hope. Above all, never give up! God has not brought you this far only to let you fail. To end this chapter, I would like to share a personal story that illustrates the importance of good communication. When my wife and I met, it was not love at first sight. She claims that when my friend, José Cortes Jnr,

introduced us, she thought, “Who is this ugly, hairy, bearded old man?” (I think that at the time Kathy had some serious visual problems!). But by the time she next saw me, my hair had been cut, I had shaved and had a good bath. It was exactly what I needed to appear more attractive because, according to Kathy, she was quite impressed when I sat next to her in church that Friday evening. We began a beautiful friendship and I soon began to feel a powerful attraction to her. I did not know how to tell her what I felt, but since I was doing my pastoral internship, I decided to express my love for her by means of a parable (my reasoning was that if it worked for Jesus, why wouldn’t it work for me?). So, as I was saying goodnight to her one evening, I said, “Kathy, to me, you are like a little stone in my shoe.” Now, before you judge me too harshly, let me assure you that my intentions were good—I wanted her to know that she would always be with me in my thoughts wherever I went. But you are forgiven for supposing that I was misunderstood—Kathy did not understand my parable! Justifiably, she thought that I was saying that she was a nuisance to me, and miserably retired to her bedroom. A while later her friend contacted me to ask what I had said to her that had upset her so much. I told her friend the parable but I don’t think she understood it either. Finally, I decided to have mercy on Kathy and simply tell her clearly what I felt, and she in turn expressed her feelings towards me. Why do we complicate communication between a man and a woman so much? It doesn’t have to be like this! Take it from me: Leave the parables to the theologians, and when you speak to your partner, be concise, clear, and to the point. May God give you the capacity to communicate well!

Marital Tune-Up Questions to consider 1. Which approach did your parents use to resolve their problems? The Eskimo

The Boxer

The Ostrich

The Archaeologist

The Gunslinger 2. Which approach do you use to resolve your problems with your partner? The Eskimo

The Boxer

The Ostrich

The Archaeologist

The Gunslinger 3. Which aspect of your communication do you need to work on? Not interrupting

Avoiding accusations

A voiding exaggeration / lying

Having more patience

(using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’) GOAL SETTING I propose, by the grace of God, to improve the way in which I resolve conflict. To attain this goal, I will ask God to change me first.

Begin now by doing this activity with your partner, using the ‘sandwich method’. 1. Write something positive about your partner. ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________

A thought to treasure

Pastor Hernandez’s wisdom: For every ten conflict situations that you expect to have, five will never happen, two will not be as bad as you expected them to be, another two will be manageable with some effort, and one, however much you do, will be unsolvable. So, why worry?

2. Write down an area in which he/she could improve. _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________

3. Write another positive characteristic. _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________ A PROMISE TO REMEMBER Philippians 1:6: “[Be] confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

7 ENEMIES OF THE FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM

ROGER HERNÁNDEZ

7 ENEMIES OF THE FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM

ROGER HERNÁNDEZ

ENEMIES OF THE

FAMILY AND HOW TO CONQUER THEM