DEFRIEND FACEBOOK STALKING

WRITER: SUZANNE HOWARD, LCSW

Facebook is part of the daily routine of over nine million people worldwide. In 2012, it was estimated that sixty-three percent of profiles are visible to the public. It has been described as “a mirror of real life” and “a forum for egos.” It is used in many positive ways: keeping families in touch and allowing people to share knowledge and talent. It is often the first place many people go when seeking answers and solace after a breakup, or while experiencing rough spots in a current relationship. A mixture of curiosity mingled with an ego needing a boost can kindle the appeal of searching for a former boyfriend or girlfriend. With just a click, the face of a recent ex, or photo of an old flame, appears. And another Facebook stalker is born!

Facebook stalking is a way to maintain a connection with someone after a romantic relationship has ended. The loss of that special person leaves a huge void. Loneliness and sadness can lead to wishing for contact with the former partner. In a 2012 survey of U.S. college students, eighty-three percent reported regularly checking the profiles of exes, and seventy percent used a mutual friend’s profile to check on an ex after being defriended. The profiles of new significant others in the lives of exes were checked by seventy-four percent of the students. In older populations, a similar pattern is emerging.

As a therapist, I hear the subject of Facebook stalking discussed by clients of all ages. When people reconnect with a high school sweetheart, it is often during a time when a long-term relationship is problematic or after a divorce or widowhood. Looking back over the years, everything about that previous relationship seems ideal. As one woman said, “Well, I’ve known him for thirty years!” She had not seen him since age 18 but felt she really knew him through Facebook. This often leads to decisions made with very unrealistic expectations. In Great Britain, twenty percent of divorce documents filed in 2009 referred to Facebook infatuations and affairs.

After a breakup, it might seem comforting to keep an ex in your thoughts by taking in information about them. In this way, the ex continues to be a part of your life and closure is prevented.

Stalking after a breakup can keep pain alive. It robs people of their present lives as they spend time and energy dwelling on what might have been. While the stalker focuses on a relationship that has ended, life is passing by. Opportunities for new experiences and friendships disappear with each click of the mouse. Instead of fading into the background, feelings of pain and loss continue, and grieving is extended.

In some cases, people have become so entrenched in the stalking mentality they get involved in monitoring the ex’s new partner. Curiosity about the new partner’s lifestyle and looks can become consuming. The surveillance can go on for years after stalking the ex has discontinued. Meanwhile, the stalker is not living in the present, and emotional recovery, personal growth, and adjustment are put on hold.

While checking-up on an ex, you are placing your heart in jeopardy. In a sense you are volunteering for whatever the ex might be presenting — photos of a now-happy life or even a new love are possibilities. There are also people who post photos and mean wall comments that are directed at their ex. You roll the dice by looking. Instead of taking such a risk, you can choose to have either “protective ignorance” or “toxic knowledge.” Toxic knowledge can be a burden, as it is useless and hurtful. Protective ignorance — not knowing about life details at all — is a much healthier mindset. You have the power to choose!

The payoffs of refraining from stalking are enormous and lead to healing the heart and spirit. Start by hitting defriend and taking care of you. Develop positive thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Practice substituting positive ideas for the negative thoughts you have been experiencing. Create a list of your good qualities. Treat yourself with respect and compassion. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. You can change your thoughts, words, and actions. Take a break from the computer, and spend time on enjoyable activities and conversations with live people. Believe in the strength of your spirit.

SOURCE: Facebook Surveillance of Former Romantic Partners: Associations with PostBreakup Recovery and Personal Growth; http://w ww.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3472530/: Facebook Stalking Statistics 2012; http://ansonalex.com/infographics/facebook-stalking-statistics-2012-infographic/: Can Facebo ok users show popularity of Windows Phone 8?; http:// www.neowin.net/news/can-facebook-users-show-popularity-of-windows-phone-8 (Accessed January 6, 2013)