Screenplay
EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, DAY TITLE SEQUENCE CALM MUSIC plays. Establishing shot of Sharon’s lavish mansion, garden and pool. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, VARIOUS, DAY, CONTINUOUS Various extravagant and meticulous rooms. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, OBSERVATORY, DAY, CONTINUOUS SHARON reads a book, looks around and smiles, SUPER: [SHARON]. CALM MUSIC is replaced by UPTEMPO MUSIC. IRWING, looking dirty, flies into the window and smiles awkwardly. He slides down a little, leaving smears on the glass. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, RECEPTION ROOM, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon opens the door to Irwing, SUPER: [IRWING]. He vomits. She blasts him with a jet of water and lets him in. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon and Irwing relax on a loveseat in a slightly dishevelled room. Sharon tries to keep her distance. NIGE, taps on a window from outside. He looks around in fear, cowers and bites his nails. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, RECEPTION ROOM, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon opens the door to Nige, SUPER: [NIGE] who rocks in the foetal position on the step. She pulls him in. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon, Irwing and Nige squeeze into the loveseat in a cluttered room. HUDSON bursts through the garden doors with a black eye and lipstick marks, SUPER: [HUDSON]. He kisses his arm muscles and smiles. Sharon whacks him over the head and throws an ice pack at his face.
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They hear something at the door. EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, FRONT DRIVE, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon opens the door to find an egg on the doorstep. Irwing pops his head outside, sees the egg and smiles at Sharon. Sharon rolls her eyes, picks up the egg and brings it inside. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon, Irwing, Nige and Hudson struggle to fit on the couch. The room is a mess. Sharon looks around at the room and sighs. DORSEY, throws herself on to the couch, SUPER: [DORSEY] and the others groan. Sharon gets off the couch and watches from behind as Nige, Hudson and Dorsey fight over the television remote, whilst Irwing gets caught in the tumble. Sharon smiles to herself. INT. / EXT. VARIOUS. DAY, CONTINUOUS 1.) The mansion hallway. 2.) The mansion drive. 3.) A bird’s eye view of the entire of Burdsai View, SUPER: [BURDSAI VIEW]. END TITLE SEQUENCE EXT. AROUND BURDSAI VIEW, DAY - MONTAGE UPTEMPO INDIE MUSIC plays. 1.) A line of giant bird houses set against a beautifully pristine lake. 2.) Various glamour shots of the sanctuary and the upmarket neighbourhood. 3.) An ornate road sign that reads EMBANKMENT. 4.) An expensive sports car driving down a lane in the neighbourhood. 5.) A pair of large, decorative entrance gates. END OF MONTAGE
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EXT. GATES OF BURDSAI VIEW, DAY UPTEMPO INDIE MUSIC continues. Hudson, with a sweater tied around his neck and shopping bags, approaches the outside of the gates, SUPER: [HUDSON]. He takes off a pair of sunglasses and holds the bags up to a presence off screen. HUDSON Take me to Burdsai please. Pause. The MUSIC STOPS. HUDSON (CONT’D) Don’t worry you’re not alone. I have that effect on most people. Three bird watchers crouched next to the gate look at each other with eyebrows raised and gaping mouths. HUDSON (CONT’D) Alright, alright. If you must. He hands them a signed photo of himself, a melodramatic head shot. He steps forward and the gates open. HUDSON (CONT’D) Ah thank you. He walks through the gates and turns around. HUDSON (CONT’D) Add me on Facebeak! The gates close behind him and they whip out their binoculars as he walks towards Burdsai View. EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, DAY A driveway leads up to Sharon’s lavish bird house, SUPER: [SHARON’S HOUSE] INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY Irwing sits at a table and eyes a bowl of seeds, SUPER: [IRWING]. He picks out a single grain, studies it and pops it into his mouth.
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IRWING (mumbling to himself) Hm. A little earthy, slightly nutty. Yes, yes, good vintage. He pecks the bowl a little, then slams his face in and begins devouring the seeds. With his face still in the bowl he stops and looks to his side. The top of Dorsey’s head appears above the table. She lifts herself up, rests her mouth on the surface and eyes Irwing sweetly, SUPER: [DORSEY]. IRWING (CONT’D) What can I help you with? He motions for her to wait before speaking. He takes two seeds out of his mouth and places one in each of his ear holes. He motions for her to talk, which she does so very loudly. DORSEY So erm, (beat) I wanna be a pop star. Can I have some money to record an album? My singing teacher told me I’m very good at projecting my voice. (Beat). She said, and I retweet, (imitating another voice) for the small sum of a thousand pounds an hour you could be a star. (back to normal voice) A star! A spotlight hits her as she fist pumps the air. Smoke rises from the floorboards and cannons shoot confetti into the air. IRWING And how much did that cost you? DORSEY Hashtag irrelevant. She nudges a couple of Amazon boxes behind her with her foot. DORSEY Point is I need some more money and Mum never gives me any.
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5. IRWING Well, you know Sharon deals with all that finance malarkey. Here, I’ll get her.
A seed slips down his ear canal and gets caught in his throat. IRWING (CONT’D) (husky voice like Ozzy Osbourne) Sharon! (beat) Sharon! SHARON (O.S.) What?! IRWING Sharon?! Dorsey gives Irwing the Heimlich manoeuvre. SHARON (O.S.) What do you want?! IRWING I don’t want anything. Sharon storms in, slapping her feet, SUPER: [SHARON]. SHARON Why you shouting at me then?! Irwing coughs up the seed with some saliva. They fly across the room and land between her breasts. She watches in disgust as the seed slide down a little. She flicks it off. EXT. AROUND BURDSAI VIEW, DAY UPTEMPO INDIE MUSIC plays. A series of establishing glamour shots of the sanctuary and the upmarket neighbourhood. EXT. PATRIDGES COFFEE SHOP, DAY A chic looking coffee shop built in a pear tree, SUPER: [PATRIDGES]. MURIEL sits at a table and drinks tea, SUPER: [MURIEL, SHARON’S FRIEND]. Sharon joins her. Muriel squeezes her wattle when speaking; her voice is husky.
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MURIEL You heard the latest about Chiffon? Sharon leans in. SHARON No. Why? MURIEL Poor chick can’t keep her eggs stiff. They laugh. SHARON I heard your ex had a similar problem. They laugh harder. MURIEL Well we can’t all have an Irwing in our lives. Sharon stops laughing. Then smiles. SHARON You’re a bustard sometimes. You know that? He’s not all bad. I just wish he’d get up and do something. Between you and me we could use the extra income. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY Irwing watches the shopping channel on television. ON THE SCREEN: a sales person advertises a penny farthing. SALES PERSON (on television) I can’t believe this deal! I just can’t even. Order in the next twenty minutes and receive this matching glove and goggle set. Dorsey enters, sits next to him and sighs loudly. Irwing comforts her with a pat on the head but does not look away from the television.
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EXT. PATRIDGES COFFEE SHOP, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon takes a sip of her tea. SHARON - but he swans around like he owns the place. A female swan wearing a barista apron walks past, overhears and glares at Sharon intensely. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY, CONTINUOUS Irwing channel hops. ON THE SCREEN: a title screen reads GOOSE WOMEN. Four female geese sit at a table. A peacock struts on stage and fans out his feathers. FEMALE GOOSE: (on the television) Check out the plumage on that one. FEMALE GOOSE 2: He’s definitely a show-er. The geese laugh. EXT. PATRIDGES COFFEE SHOP, DAY, CONTINUOUS Muriel nods. MURIEL Exactly. SHARON Who does she think she is, royalty? The same swan barista pops her head up and glares again. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY, CONTINUOUS Irwing flicks the channel over and a giant eye with a beak appears on the screen. Dorsey looks bored. DORSEY Hashtag urgh. On the screen, DAPPY BIRD sits in a hot tub and makes out with a rubber duck. Dorsey looks angry.
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IRWING I love a good rerun. GEORDIE NARRATOR (V.O.) (from the television) Day sixteen in the Big Birder house. Dappy Bird is in the hot tub snogging a rubber duck. DORSEY If Mum gave me money I could form a band, and one of my bandmates could make a sex tape (beat), and then I’d be in Big Birder making out with a duck. IRWING (not listening to her) How about you show her you’re trying and do some of it by yourself, and maybe then she’ll help you. Dorsey jumps off the couch. DORSEY Hey Dad, where did you leave the camera? EXT. PATRIDGES COFFEE SHOP, DAY, CONTINUOUS Sharon reaches for her pocket but Muriel stops her. MURIEL Things sound a bit tight at the moment. Let me get this. Sharon half-smiles. SHARON Thanks. Just don’t expect me to help you wax your wattle again. You got hands. MURIEL Oh I know. I just liked watching your face whilst you did it. She pulls a horrified face.
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MURIEL (CONT’D) I’m thinking of getting the landing strip next. She scratches her wattle and a couple of hairs fall into her cup. SHARON (to off screen) Hey can we get the bill? MURIEL Ah, why don’t you hold a benefit? Sharon raises an eyebrow. MURIEL (CONT’D) Sharon honey, it’s called a benefit for a reason. SHARON Muriel, honey (beat), I’m not a swindler. MURIEL (CONT’D) It’s not swindling if you’re being clever about it. Slap a label on it, something that’s personal and serious-sounding that will really tug at the hearts of those obnoxious rah birds with the deep pockets. Like erm, the Welfare and Aid of Narcoleptic Kestrels. She drinks from her cup. Sharon smirks. MURIEL (CONT’D) Adds flavour - put some in yours when you went to the toilet. Sharon’s mouth curls in disgust and looks into the bottom of her cup. The hairs make a picture of a duck throwing loads of wads of money into the air. SHARON Isn’t Dusty R. holding a benefit soon as well? MURIEL Ooh a benefit-off! You don’t want him stealing all your charity.
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SHARON The only thing that boy knows how to steal is my will to live. Sharon pulls a mobile out from under her breast and dials a number. EXT. GIANT BIRDBATH, DAY DUSTY R. sits on a sunbed and analyses a piece of card. CHIFFON floats peacefully on her back across the surface of the birdbath, SUPER: [BURDSAI BIRDBATH]. His phone rings and he answers with a monotone voice, SUPER: [DUSTY R., NOT SHARON’S FRIEND]. DUSTY R. (into phone) Hello? INTERCUT with Partridges. SHARON (into phone) It’s Sharon. When’s that benefit of yours? DUSTY R. (into phone) Next week. I’ve just had the invites printed. I could not be happier. I would go so far as to say I’m jubilant. ON THE CARD: Dusty R. dressed as Jesus and crucified to the cross, spills bird seeds from his wounds to guzzling birds stood underneath. He turns it over. It READS: ’Lets spill our seed together. Help the starving chicks.’ DUSTY R. (CONT’D) I’m tingling with excitement just thinking about it. Chiffon listens in and her beak quivers, SUPER: [CHIFFON, NOT SHARON’S FRIEND BY ASSOCIATION]. Sharon puts the phone on loudspeaker. MURIEL You need to get in there before him. (to off screen) We’re waiting for the bill?
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SHARON I know, I know. DUSTY R. (into phone) What do you know? Chiffon, grabs her stomach in pain, flails and tries to swim to the edge of the pool. SHARON (into phone) Oh nothing. I’m also holding a benefit. DUSTY R. (into phone) When is yours? We wouldn’t want them to clash. SHARON (into phone) Er, end of this week. Chiffon contorts her face in pain. She reaches her hand out for Dusty R. to help but he does not get up. DUSTY R. (into phone) Oh, what’s that Chiffon? Apparently ours has been brought forward to Friday. Muriel glares at Sharon. Sharon responds with a glare back. SHARON (into phone) Muriel’s suggested I do it for Wednesday. DUSTY R. (into phone) Tomorrow. Chiffon pulls herself to the edge, one hand against her bum. SHARON (into phone quickly) Tonight. Okay thanks. Bye. Sharon puts down the phone.
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Chiffon relaxes and looks embarrassed. An egg with a runny yolk floats to the water’s surface. Dusty R. rolls his eyes and pulls out a giant net. He walks across the surface of the water towards Chiffon. She shields her eyes as Dusty R. and the net block out the sun. The sun’s light shines from behind him and the rim of the net looks like a halo. EXCITING, MID-TEMPO MUSIC plays as Sharon and Muriel exchange smug looks for an excessively long beat. The MUSIC CUTS. SHARON (CONT’D) Where is that god damned bill? Sharon sees the back of a swan and storms up to them. She prods him. SHARON (CONT’D) Have you got our bill? A teary swan turns around, missing a beak. SHARON (CONT’D) Oh my god I’m so sorry, erShe looks at his name badge. It READS: ’Bill.’ SHARON (CONT’D) Really? You’re pulling my leg. She looks down and sees he has one leg. He dramatically staggers away, crying. The original female swan barista walks past and tuts. EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, FRONT GARDEN, DAY Hudson aims a gun into the air. HUDSON Pull. A clay human figure flies into the air. Hudson takes a shot and narrowly misses Sharon who swoops down into the driveway. SHARON (shouting over) I hope your aim’s better in bed.
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INT. SHARON’S MANSION, KITCHEN, DAY Sharon, Irwing, Dorsey & Hudson sit at the table. On the table is a camera. Dorsey doodles on a piece of paper and shows it to Sharon. DORSEY What do you think of this? SHARON No. Dorsey looks upwards and pokes her tongue out the side of her mouth, rubs the doodle out and draws again. Hudson implies to Irwing to arm wrestle but Sharon whacks him around the head. SHARON (CONT’D) Are you listening to me? HUDSON I can multitask - I am an an eagle of many talents. Irwing’s giving out the invites, I’m chief of security and interpersonal relations SHARON Bouncer will do. But whatever makes you happy, chief. HUDSON It does very much so. As does Dorsey having to keep her beak shut all night Dorsey looks at him with beady eyes and sticks her middle finger up at him. DORSEY Hashtag sorry not sorry. Sharon glares at her. Dorsey presses her face into the paper, finishes her drawing and shows it to Sharon. Sharon shakes her head. Dorsey rubs it out again, suddenly smiles with wide eyes, and continues to draw. HUDSON And Nige will probably be hiding in his room - although that just leaves more tail-feather for me to tap.
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He picks up the camera and looks at photos he takes of himself in various poses. HUDSON (CONT’D) Not that I need any help. Sharon slaps the camera out of his hand. SHARON No, you need a lot. No tapping. (to Dorsey) No talking. She turns to Irwing who pulls out a strand of hair and uses it to floss his teeth. SHARON (CONT’D) Just no. Dorsey holds up the sheet of paper to Sharon, revealing a sketch of herself playing a guitar, wearing make up and an outfit similar to Kiss, complete with chest hair. She smiles. SHARON (CONT’D) (to herself) Christ almighty. (Beat, then sarcastically) Yeah I quite like that one. Dorsey smiles. SHARON (CONT’D) No. (Beat) Speaking of Nige, where is that boy? NIGE peers in at the doorway and nervously looks around. He creeps in, listening to music in a pair of earphones, SUPER:[NIGE]. Sharon yanks them out and hands him a list. SHARON (CONT’D) We’re throwing a benefit tonight. You’re helping. This is what I need you to do. NIGE Oh, okay? ON THE PAPER: ’Nothing’. Nige smiles with content. SHARON Oh sorry, that one’s for Grebe Simmons over there.
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She hands him another list that unravels to the ground. He looks uneasy. SHARON (CONT’D) You think I trust these fools to put together an event? He watches Hudson flex his muscles. Dorsey violently scratches her pencil into the paper, knocking her camera on to the floor. Irwing picks a lump of dead skin out from under his talon. He buffs it on his chest. It sparkles and he goes to eat it but sees Nige watching and slowly puts it on the table. Sharon leans in and stares hard at Nige. Pause. He nods a little. She smiles. In the background Irwing reaches for the dead skin but Hudson sees and he stops. Nige stands around waiting, then slowly turns his head to a giant recording camera in the corner of the room and bites his lip. Sharon steers his attention back to the list and ushers him out. On his way he gets caught in the list and falls over. Sharon rolls her eyes, looks up to the sky and mouths something incoherent. SHARON (CONT’D) Now that just leaves the entertainment. DORSEY Oh come on. Please? My singing is amazing. Hashtag the bestest. Irwing turns on a television. ON THE TELEVISION: the Big Birder eye and beak symbol. Dappy Bird sits in a chair opposite DAVINA MACCAW, surrounded by a cheering audience. A poster reads: WE LOVE YOU DAVINA MACCAW! DAVINA MACCAW (from the television) Dappy Bird, here are your best bits. INT. / EXT. BIG BIRDER HOUSE - MONTAGE UPTEMPO GRIME MUSIC plays throughout. 1.) Dappy Bird enters a giant bird cage, the Big Birder house. 2.) Dappy Bird, naked, jumps into a pool. A giant, blurred bar dangles between his legs. (CONTINUED)
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3.) Dappy Bird swings his legs sat on an ornate bird perch in "the diary room". DAPPY BIRD (to the camera) Pft, she can’t handle a bad boy like me. 4.) Dappy Bird, teary, flutters over to a crying bird in the garden. They hug. 5.) Dappy Bird leaves the Big Birder house in slow motion. He waves to a cheering audience and flashing cameras. END OF MONTAGE INT. SHARON’S MANSION, KITCHEN, DAY, CONTINUOUS BOPPY INDIE MUSIC plays. The camera flashes reflect into Sharon’s eyes and she smiles. Dorsey notices Sharon smiling and follows her gaze to the television. A pause. Dorsey looks annoyed. Hudson turns away in awkwardness and whistles. Irwing pats her on the head whilst inconspicuously reaching for the dead skin. He pops it into his mouth, chokes and coughs it back up. It flies across the room and lands between Sharon’s breasts. EXT. AROUND BURDSAI VIEW, DAY BOPPY INDIE MUSIC continues. A series of establishing glamour shots of the sanctuary and the upmarket neighbourhood. EXT. EMBANKMENT, DAY BOPPY INDIE MUSIC continues. Irwing, wearing matching leather goggles and gloves, rides a penny-farthing beside the river, SUPER: [EMBANKMENT]. He haphazardly tosses bundles of invites at passers by, through the letter boxes of front doors and into the air. WADE looks as if he is wading in the river, in the direction of Irwing, SUPER: [WADE, A REACTION CHARACTER]. Irwing waves and wobbles on the penny-farthing. Wade gets out of the water and a frog appears from underneath, wearing blinkers. He grabs its tongue and ties it to a post on the bank.
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Irwing tries to stop the penny-farthing by reaching down with his foot but his leg gets tangled in the spinning pedal. EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, FRONT GARDEN, DAY A van reverses into the drive with an image of a woodpecker standing next to a block of ice. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, KITCHEN, DAY Sharon busies herself with a diary. Muriel enters. MURIEL Need some help? SHARON Thanks but Nige is helping, although I’m not sure how much help he’ll be later. He’s as awkward at parties as he is around women. EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, FRONT GARDEN, DAY, CONTINUOUS Nige pokes his head out the front door and cautiously looks around. He looks straight into the birdwatcher’s lens, darts back inside, then leaps behind the van as it stops. A bird watcher struggles to see as Nige opens the back of the van. Nige looks down the list and screws his face up. NIGE This can’t be right. VAN DRIVER Is there a problem? A beautiful female bird steps out of the van. NIGE Er, excuse meHe sees her and collapses in a mess. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, KITCHEN, DAY, CONTINUOUS MURIEL You heard how Dusty R. is going all out on his benefit?
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INTERCUT with Embankment. Irwing circles around Wade, his leg still mangled around the pedal. WADE Ah bless you. Now I have a reason not to go to that dreadful cirque du soleil nonsense Dusty R. and Chiffon are throwing. IRWING Save some money, ay? WADE Hilarious. Oh heavens no. My down is a Valentino. Irwing stares blankly, then looks down at his patchy-feathered gut. WADE (CONT’D) I don’t do themes, absolutely ghastly. SHARON I’ve got that Dappy Bird kid performing with his band. Muriel stares blankly. SHARON (CONT’D) Just came out of Big Birder. He’ll bring the media circus with him. WADE I detest the circus. Starving children at the big top. What are they thinking? IRWING A bunch of clowns? WADE Ha, indeed they are my friend. Wade laughs pompously. Irwing, still on the penny-farthing, joins in nervously and looks around. SHARON Dorsey’s upset about it. But I can’t have a bunch of kids performing tonight. This needs to be professional. Otherwise she’ll be crying about a lot more than not becoming a pop star. (CONTINUED)
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MURIEL So you think yours will be better than Dusty’s? SHARON He can wrap his turd in circus ribbons all he wants. It’s still a turd. Dusty R. enters and looks around as if inspecting. Sharon narrows her eyes at him. SHARON Ah, I was just talking about you. DUSTY R. I hope you don’t mind, the front door was open and I was in the neighbourhood. SHARON How convenient. I thought you said this side of town was the boil on the turkey’s wattle. Muriel glares. DUSTY R. I would never talk with such colourful vocabulary. I was just wondering if you needed any help. I’m more or less done organising my benefit and what with it being such short notice and so many things to sort out SHARON I was actually just telling Muriel I’ve got it all under control. DUSTY R. Okay. Well I’ll be off then. Loving the ice statue by the way. I’m utterly engrossed. SHARON Ah it’s here?
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INT. SHARON’S MANSION, RECEPTION ROOM, CONTINUOUS Sharon, Dusty R. and Muriel enter. SHARON (CONT’D) Thanks, I designed it myself over the phone. (to Nige off screen) Why didn’t you tell me it was here? I could’ve helped move it. Sharon stops, her mouth slightly ajar. Nige looks uncomfortable stood to the side of a giant ice sculpture of two relaxed-looking swans holding on to their penises and urinating. MURIEL (under her breath) What did you ask for? SHARON Two swans kissing. DRAMATIC INDIE MUSIC plays. DUSTY R. Good luck. Oh, forgive me - I do have one more thing to sort out. Do you know of any good string quartets? I think they will make it more dramatic for the trapeze artists when they’re throwing the children over the rabid honey badgers we’re importing. (reenacting monotonously) Oh no. Watch out. Sharon stares at the sculpture and does not reply. Nige, stuck to the ice, tries to pull his hands off of the sculpture without being noticed. One hand is on one of the swans’ bum and the other hand above its crotch. DUSTY R. (CONT’D) No? Okay. See you later. He exits with a grin. Sharon and Muriel exchange concerned looks. Wade still laughs. He quietens down and Irwing awkwardly tries to cycle away but Wade booms and Irwing joins in again.
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21. WADE My friend you are a funny fellow (Beat) Clowns!
Sharon looks mortified. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, LOUNGE, DAY Sharon, Nige and Hudson sit at the table. Nige looks at his palms, stripped of all its feathers. Hudson smiles and opens his mouth. SHARON One word. I dare you. Hudson’s mobile phone beeps. He looks at it, smiles and bites his lip. She extends her neck and grabs the phone with her beak. SHARON (CONT’D) (reading the message) Oh you are not inviting any of your cheap chicks. Tonight is going to be sophisticated and elegant. Irwing hops in with a mangled leg. Hudson snatches the phone back. SHARON (CONT’D) Took your sweet time. Did you hand out the invites to all the people on the list? IRWING (lying) The list. Yes I did. SHARON Good because we’re relying on them for big donations tonight at the date auction. NIGE Date auction? HUDSON And you haven’t asked me to be in it yet? SHARON I’ve only just thought of it. I need to up the ante if I’m going to stick it to Dusty. (CONTINUED)
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Hudson flexes and kisses his muscles. HUDSON I’ll be all the ante you need. SHARON (groans) Yes you can be in it. It pains me to say it but I will admit you have some, (beat) attributes people will pay good money for. Nige, you’re in too. IRWING I know, I know, I’m past my prime. Sharon stares at him and then notices his hideously deformed leg. Nige looks terrified. SHARON Do it for all the narcoleptic kestrels. Nige acknowledges the birdwatcher’s lens and cowers behind NIGE But, but people will be watching. Hudson who pushes him away. HUDSON Want me to organise it? SHARON I would let you, I really would. But we both know you’d only surround yourself with ugly ducklings to make yourself look better. You shouldn’t feel like you have to prove yourself. Just be you. She places her hand on his shoulder. He smiles. SHARON (CONT’D) Some girls like a massive cock. She hits him over the head.
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EXT. / INT. SHARON’S MANSION, NIGHT - MONTAGE UPTEMPO INDIE MUSIC plays. 1.) The mansion shines with decorative lights. 2.) Hudson stands at the front door next to a sign that reads: PRIVATE EVENT and flirts with a female bird. 3.) Dusty R. and Chiffon arrive. Dusty R. looks at the house and furrows his unibrow. Hudson briskly flicks through the guest list. HUDSON You’re probably on there. He lets them through and goes back to flirting. 4.) Inside the reception area, guests chat and drink. In the centre stands the ice sculpture with a patch of feathers stuck above one of the swans’ crotch and on its bum. A sign next to it reads: Welfare and Aid of Narcoleptic Kestrels. 5.) Sharon puts on a false smile and welcomes Dusty R. and Chiffon. 6.) Nige hides at the top of the stairs watching all the guests. 7.) Outside, Dappy Bird steps out of a limousine and is swarmed by the paparazzi - a gaggle of geese with cameras SUPER: [DAPPY BIRD, MUSICIAN]. Hudson shuns the female bird and goes to greet him, stepping into the flashes and showing off to the cameras. They go inside. END OF MONTAGE INT. SHARON’S MANSION, RECEPTION ROOM A waiter walks past Sharon and Muriel with a tray of drinks. Dorsey sneaks around various spots in the room like a ninja and drops from a chandelier. She grabs a drink off the tray but Sharon takes it away. SHARON So help me when you’re old enough. Dorsey opens her mouth wide to answer back but holds off. DORSEY (whispering) Hashtag quiet time. (CONTINUED)
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She wanders away. Sharon subtly downs her first glass and begins the second. Muriel pouts curiously. SHARON Said I’d give her the money she wants to become a pop star if she took photos. Dorsey traipses to the bottom of the stairs, aimlessly taking photos without looking. She sits down and watches Irwing. He wears a tie around his neck and wanders between groups of guests far taller than himself. He tries to push his way inside their circle but they ignore him. IRWING (like a pigeon) Coo. Coo. A PILLBUG strapped to a piece of sushi falls outside the circle of guests. It looks around, panicked and bursts out of the sushi, rice raining down on it. Irwing spots it, looks around and shrugs. PILLBUG No, no! Please. I have a family. CUT TO: A MOTHER PILLBUG and five BABY PILLBUGS strapped to sushi, laying on a plate. MOTHER PILLBUG (shouting to Pillbug) Goodbye my soulmate. BABY PILLBUG Daddy used to hit me when he drank. A hand picks Mother Pillbug off the plate. MOTHER PILLBUG (shouting to Pillbug) You son of a bBACK TO: Pillbug throws his arms in the way as Irwing leaps onto the floor. Irwing hoovers up the rice around the circle of guests. His belly swells and he burps. The guests turn around and look at him in disgust.
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Dorsey takes a photo and laughs hysterically. Guests nearby, including Sharon, turn around and Dorsey squeezes her lips together in her hands. Her mouth wriggles free of her hands as if it has free will and she wrestles and punches it to keep any words from coming out. DORSEY Stop moving you haaa-aaaa-ha-hashDappy Bird bursts through the doors. Camera lights flash behind him. Hudson follows behind him in slow motion, beaming with pride and winking at guests. Dusty R. watches. Sharon walks up to them at normal speed and flicks Hudson, who is still moving in slow motion. SHARON Get back outside. Sharon pushes Hudson outside. Dorsey looks up and down at Dappy Bird and narrows her eyes. She takes a photo of him, then turns the camera on herself and takes another. He notices and furrows his eyebrows. SHARON (CONT’D) (loudly) Ah Dappy Bird. I’m so glad you could make it. She ushers Dappy Bird away. Dorsey signals with her fingers that she is watching Dappy Bird. As they pass, Dusty R. turns away from them and pouts towards Chiffon. Chiffon looks at Dappy and rolls her eyes. Sharon smirks. The guests move out of the room. The camera moves about trying to locate Nige. He squats and rocks backwards and forwards behind a statue of a male, muscular goose. The birdwatcher’s lens spots his beak moving back and forth beside the crotch of the statue. Nige pauses and hears that the guests, including Wade, are leaving. He looks into the reception room and sees Wade. Nige panics, sneaks down the stairs and steps outside. EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, FRONT GARDEN, NIGHT Hudson pins a female bird against the wall and caresses her. Dorsey hides around a corner.
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26. DORSEY Come on, a little closer. There’s the money shot.
She takes a photo. Hudson looks up but can not see much. HUDSON This always happens to me. (in to the darkness) If you want my picture you just have to ask. (Beat) I guess they’re gone. How about we make things a bit kinkier? Nige opens the front door on them although Hudson does not see. Nige bites his lip and shakes up and down on the spot, stares at Hudson and then the girl and breathes heavily. The female bird screws her face up in disgust at the sight of Nige and slaps Hudson. She heads inside. HUDSON (CONT’D) Oh my god dude. What is wrong with you? NIGE Wade is here. HUDSON Never heard of him. Nige looks at the birdwatcher’s lens. NIGE (quietly) Please. I’m anatidaephobic. HUDSON I don’t know what that is. NIGE (quietly) I don’t like it when ducks watch me. HUDSON Why would he watch you? He gestures to himself. NIGE He just does, okay? Can you help me? You’re the toughest guy I know. Hudson smiles into the birdwatcher’s lens.
(CONTINUED)
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27.
HUDSON Of course I am, (beat). Fine. Hudson spots a female bird walking up to the mansion. HUDSON (CONT’D) I’ll be in in a minute. Nige hovers. HUDSON (CONT’D) Scoot. I’ll be there. (to the female bird) Let me just check the guest list. He flexes his muscles as he pulls out the list. She leans in close and squeezes her single breast together with her arms. She huffs and pulls her breast apart so it divides in two and then squeezes the pair together. A camera flashes in the distance. HUDSON (CONT’D) Ignore it. (Beat) And there you are. EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, BACK GARDEN, NIGHT Dappy Bird and his band finish performing uptempo POP/GRIME MUSIC on a stage with giant inflatable cacti. Dorsey pouts and takes photos as the guests cheer. Irwing, with a massively swollen belly, tries to jump up and down but bounces off screen. DAPPY BIRD Na na nigh, N-Ducks are back! That was Lipsmack My Cactus! Dusty R. watches the guests and crosses his arms. Sharon sees and smiles. GRIME MUSIC continues. SHARON Have you dyed your feathers? You’re looking redder than usual. Looks good on you. In front of a person in a photo and Muriel see.
them, Dorsey watches Dappy Bird imitate slapping front of his crotch. She pouts curiously, takes copies the same movement. Sharon, Irwing and Muriel laughs.
(CONTINUED)
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28. IRWING Oh Dorsey, don’t do that.
Dorsey points at Dappy Bird who grinds against a cactus. Still looking at Irwing and Sharon, she takes a photo of Dappy Bird. DORSEY Well can I do that? SHARON (nervous) No. DORSEY Because it’s plagiarism? SHARON What? No, I think it’s time you go to bed. DORSEY Why? You don’t let me do anything. I don’t have to listen to you. You’re not really my parents. Irwing looks down at the ground. Dorsey walks off then turns around suddenly. DORSEY (CONT’D) (in a Cockney accent) You ain’t my mother! SHARON (in a Cockney accent) Yes I am! Dorsey leaps on to the stage and begins rubbing herself on a cactus and taking photos. Muriel laughs harder which Dorsey sees. DAPPY BIRD Yo chick, I don’t think you should be doin’ that. She grabs his microphone. DORSEY Don’t tell me what to do. I can do what I want. Hashtag A bleeping sound blocks out the end of her speech for a long beat. The guests and MUSIC STOP. Aghast, Dappy Bird opens his mouth and eyes wide. Dusty R. smiles. (CONTINUED)
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29. SHARON Oh girl you are gonna get it! DORSEY Retweet at Sharon. (imitating Sharon’s voice) Oh girl you are gonna get it.
She takes a photo of Sharon. Sharon runs forward and extends her neck to grab Dorsey. Dorsey jumps out of the way and whacks Dappy Bird with the inflatable cactus. He runs off and she chases him across the stage. From the guests perspective, Dappy Bird jumps and ducks over cacti, some hang from the ceiling in the same way as the Piou Piou vs Cactus game. He looks up. DAPPY BIRD Who the duck put them there? Nige pops his head out from behind one of the cacti. NIGE Duck? Where? He looks around and sees Wade, who happens to look over due to the commotion. Nige runs off the stage. NIGE (CONT’D) (overly dramatic) The eyes! The eyes! As he runs off he looks back at Wade who is still watching him. He turns the other way and skewers a cactus with his beak. Irwing shuffles to the stage in an attempt to help but collapses from the increasing size of his stomach and rolls off screen. IRWING Shouldn’t have eaten that rice. Dusty R. grins and nudges Chiffon. They fly up on to the top of a pillar (similar in shape to the tunnels in Flappy Bird) to get a better look. Sharon sees Dusty R’s reaction and lunges forward at Dorsey. Dorsey whacks Dappy Bird and he flies off the stage. Dappy Bird flies face first into the flower pot, sending shockwaves upwards. Dusty R. laughs but Chiffon’s eyes widen and she grabs her stomach. Dappy Bird falls face first into the ground copying the exact movements of Flappy Bird. (CONTINUED)
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30.
Irwing stumbles over, swells and shakes. The guests step back. The shakes become violent. Sharon gives up chasing, sighs and covers her breasts. Irwing stops. And then spews crop and bits of rice from his mouth on to Dappy Bird. Pause. Sharon looks around at the dishevelled garden and quiet guests. Dusty R. holds a glass of wine up as if toasting her. A pile of runny egg falls on to Dappy Bird from above. FADE OUT. INT. SHARON’S MANSION, CONSERVATORY, NIGHT The conservatory acts as backstage. Nige quivers and bites his nails. The cactus on his beak is still visible to the guests outside. Hudson prepares himself in a mirror. Sharon stomps towards them, each step sounds like a heavy slap. SHARON Give me that. She pulls the cactus off his beak. SHARON (CONT’D) No messing about. We need this. HUDSON Don’t worry. I got this. He kisses his arm muscles. SHARON (sarcastically) Be careful. You might poke your eye out. Sharon walks off. Nige watches a bird of paradise on stage with Muriel. ON STAGE The audience mumble. The bird spreads its chest feathers wide. He hops around and slaps his tail on the floor, performing the mating ritual. The crowd cheer. GUEST 1 I’ll give you five thousand pounds! Muriel hold her wattle to her mouth and her voice sounds like she is using a microphone. (CONTINUED)
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31.
MURIEL Five thousand pounds to W.A.N.K! Do I hear six thousand? THE CONSERVATORY Nige fingers his chest feathers and tries to slap the floor with his tail but has to squat and manages only the lightest tap. He looks back outside. ON STAGE An emu performs its mating ritual. He ducks and leaps across the stage, spasming and break-dancing. A flash appears from an upper floor window. THE CONSERVATORY Nige tries to imitate the emu. He takes one small step. He flies across the room and crashes into Hudson. NIGE Er, sorry. HUDSON Urgh, I know you want to be close. Just don’t touch. Hudson checks himself out and slicks back his head feathers in a mirror. HUDSON (CONT’D) Are you still worried about that Wade dude? NIGE I can feel him. HUDSON Forget about that ruddy duck already. You’re being paranoid. He takes the smallest glimpse through the mirror to check his surroundings before his reflection clicks his fingers back at him. HUDSON (CONT’D) Look he’s not here. The guests clap.
(CONTINUED)
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32. HUDSON (CONT’D) Looks like I’m next. Oh and you shouldn’t worry about coming on stage after me. (Beat) There won’t be any money left.
ON STAGE Hudson struts on stage. Muriel goes to speak with her wattle but Hudson stops her. HUDSON No need. Hudson licks his finger and wipes it across his eyebrows. He flexes his muscles and winks at Sharon. Sharon rolls her eyes. THE CONSERVATORY Nige flaps around manically like a bird trapped in a small space. Irwing approaches with a little bit of crop on his face. Irwing grabs Nige by the shoulders and pulls him onto his knees so they are eye level with one another. Irwing breathes in and out to help Nige regulate his breathing. NIGE I can’t do it. IRWING You can. He smiles and burps up a bit of crop. He cups it in his hand. IRWING (CONT’D) Want some? Nige shakes his head. Irwing places his hands on Nige and the crops runs down Nige’s back. IRWING (CONT’D) Think about everything Sharon’s done for us. Nige bites his lip. IRWING (CONT’D) Think about everything Sharon will do to us. Nige leaps forward to the stage. (CONTINUED)
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33.
ON STAGE Sharon steps on stage. SHARON Before weShe gestures to Muriel who hands her her wattle. Sharon’s voice gets louder and also comes out of Muriel’s open mouth. SHARON Before we move on to the final auction - [to Muriel] god the reverb on this is shoddy. [To everyone] Can I just say how amazing tonight has been. SHARON (CONT’D) Our family is so grateful. I am so grateful. And whilst we’re on this topic, thank you to Karol the narcoleptic kestrel for representing this great charity. A ragged mannequin of a kestrel slumps on a pile of coins. Dusty R. purses his lips and tries to wake it up. SHARON (CONT’D) Uh-uh. She’s sleeping. The guests clap and cheer but their volume quickly lowers. SHARON (CONT’D) (out the side of her mouth) Oh and let’s wish Dusty R. all the luck for tomorrow. UPTEMPO INDIE MUSIC plays. Dusty R. crosses his arm and pouts. Sharon grins. Nige looks at the crowd, breathes in and steps towards the stage. FADE OUT INT. / EXT. - MONTAGE, VARIOUS UPTEMPO INDIE MUSIC CONTINUES SUPER: [NEXT TIME] 1.) EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, DAY
(CONTINUED)
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34.
Irwing pushes Nige in a wheelchair, who has his beak broken at a ridiculous angle and wrapped in bandages. IRWING Yeah, you should of gone on. Dorsey uses the drip that connects to Nige to push herself along, like a scooter. She trips and pulls Nige down into the ground. 2.) EXT. SHARON’S MANSION, DAY Hudson and Chiffon fondle against the wall. Hudson pauses. HUDSON So you’re using me? She nods. HUDSON (CONT’D) And I’m okay with that. He cups her bum. He stops and looks mortified at his hand which is covered in yolk. He shrugs and carries on. 4.) EXT. GIANT BIRDBATH, NIGHT Sharon and Muriel face Dusty R. at the fundraiser. SHARON I’m sorry but what a load of bushtit. 4.) EXT. GIANT BIRDBATH, NIGHT Guests panic as rabid honey badgers destory the circus. DUSTY R. Oh no. Watch out. Starving chicks scream in fear. END CREDITS INT. DORSEY’S BEDROOM, NIGHT Dorsey, wide-eyed and bloodshot, sits at her desk and busies herself with the laptop. The camera is connected. DORSEY Drag that bit there, change the colour on the ice penis to match (MORE) (CONTINUED)
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35.
DORSEY (cont’d) the emu neck. (Beat) I don’t even know what that is but hey, let’s put it in Hudson’s mouth. And, print! She jumps up. Smoke pours out of a machine. DORSEY (CONT’D) Hashtag it’s alive! Hashtag alive!