Audio Play
AUDIO PLAY Scene: 1 - Home: Living Room SOUND: TV IN THE BACKGROUND ALICE (TO MIC) I almost slept with my father-in-law this evening. Oh god. I almost had sex with him. That’s like thirty flavours of wrong. How could I do that? But really, how could I do that? SOUND: NEWSPAPER RUSTLES ALICE (TO MIC) The Lonely Hearts column: anonymous woman, 29, seeks discreet Fifty Shades of Grey experience. Will explain why when we meet. MICHAEL Honey, can you grab me a lasagna out the freezer? ALICE (TO MIC) Meet my "why". ALICE We could try making one of those new recipes out that Thai book I bought? MICHAEL Nah don’t worry. Lasagna’s alright. SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. A FREEZER DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. MICROWAVE DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. MICROWAVE STIRS. ALICE (TO MIC) We’ve been married eight years. That’s eight years of lasagnas and you don’t have to be a mathematician to work out that’s a lot of cheese. SOUND: MICHAEL LETS OUT SOME WIND ALICE (TO MIC) It makes him gassy. Don’t get me wrong; he’s lovely to me, we rarely argue. But he doesn’t make me feel good like he used to. Is it too much to ask to have him whisk me away to our bed, run his hands up my body, make me SOUND: MICROWAVE PINGS
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2.
MICHAEL (IN THE NEXT ROOM) Is it done? ALICE Uh-huh. You’re eating late? MICHAEL Fell asleep. You woke me up when you got in. ALICE Ah sorry. MICHAEL Don’t be silly. Out with Tina? ALICE Yep. MICHAEL Have a good time? ALICE It was great. ALICE (TO MIC) And by great I mean horrific. I panicked. Ran away as soon as we both realised I was the ’earth angel’ he was looking for. What was I supposed to do? You don’t go to the library for secret sex and expect the ’anonymous Neil Morrissey look-alike’ you’ve picked out the column to be you’re father-in-law. MICHAEL How’s her son? ALICE Her son? Oh, he’s giving her a bit of a hard time with the divorce and ALICE (TO MIC) Oh god. I haven’t even considered his parents. They’re still married. Do I tell him? Tell him what though? That his Dad’s cheating on his Mum? That I’m cheating on him? Does it even count as cheating if you never had sex? MICHAEL Alice? ALICE I’ve just remembered I need to ring her. Probably gonna go to sleep after that.
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3.
MICHAEL (FOOD IN HIS MOUTH) Okay. Remember Mum invited us over to theirs’ for dinner tomorrow. ALICE How could I forget? ALICE (TO MIC) Seriously, how could I forget? Scene: 2 - Frank’s House: Dining Room SOUND: THE ELECTRIC WHIRRING OF A MEAT CARVER NEXT DOOR PAULA (IN THE NEXT ROOM) How much lamb would you like Alice? ALICE However much you like thanks Paula. ALICE (TO MIC) Best to keep it on her terms, even if her portion sizes could feed a zoo. Otherwise that carver might find itself buried in some other kind of meat. MICHAEL So how’ve you been Dad? FRANK How’ve I been? ALICE (TO MIC) (BEAT) Answer god damn it. Not a hard question. FRANK (TO MIC) Answer you’re son Frank. Anything. Other than last night. What have you done this week? FRANK (DRAWN OUT - HIMSELF CONFUSED) Bank? ALICE (TO MIC) What was that? MICHAEL Sorry Dad?
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4.
FRANK The bank. I went to the bank this week. MICHAEL And? FRANK (SMUGLY) Got twenty pounds interest I did. ALICE (TO MIC) That’s what he chose to talk about? Hold on he’s nervous. Look at that sweat trickling down his face. At least I know I’m not the only one in a state. KEEP IT TOGETHER FRANK. FRANK (TO MIC) HOLD IT TOGETHER FRANK! Really? The bank? MICHAEL That’s great Dad. PAULA Here’s your food Alice. ALICE Thanks Paula. PAULA Oh and I’ve got your book I borrowed a while back. Loved it. You could get me the next one with that twenty pounds dear. ALICE God it must have been so long ago I can’t remember. Which one was it? ALICE (TO MIC) Why is Frank shaking his head like that? PAULA Fifty Shades of Grey. You were right, that stuff is good. Between you and me I wish Frank was a little more like that Christian fellow.(WHISPERING To ALICE) Bit more hands on. MICHAEL Mum stop. I’m about to eat. ALICE (TO MIC) Seriously Paula, stop.
5.
Scene: 3 - Frank’s House: Dining Room PAULA And then Christian grabs hold ofMICHAEL Phwoar, I’m stuffed. PAULA Okay, okay, I get it. Enough’s enough. Pass me your plate Alice. ALICE Don’t be silly Paula I’ll do the washing up. I insist. You cooked us a beautiful dinner. Frank’ll help. MICHAEL Dad doing the washing up? (LAUGHS) FRANK Na it’s ok. I’ll help. PAULA You feeling alright Frank? FRANK Get off will ya. So a man gets scolded for not doing the washing up and when he says he’ll do it, they think something’s wrong with him? ALICE (TO MIC) Wrong just about covers it. ALICE Take a seat in the lounge. We won’t be long. SOUND: RUNNING TAP WATER. PLATES CLANGING ON THE SINK. ALICE (TO MIC) (LONG BEAT) Well this is going well. FRANK Could you pass me that cloth - this one’s a little damp. (BEAT) Ta. (ALICE & FRANK TALK AT THE SAME TIME IN HUSHED VOICES) ALICE About yesterday I (BEAT) Sorry after you. (BEAT) It’s just sometimes he isn’t -
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6.
FRANK Had I known I wouldn’t have (BEAT) Go on. (BEAT) I haven’t felt that way (LOUDER) I just need a good screw PAULA Sorry? ALICE Oh hey Paula. ALICE (TO MIC) HolyFRANK I was just tellin’ Alice I’ve lost that really good screw cap Gerald bought us for our anniversary. PAULA I could’ve sworn I left it on the Merlot. FRANK You did? Lemme check. Oh yeah, there it is. Silly bugger. Must have slipped my mind. ALICE Can I get you anything? PAULA Just grabbing some tea. Would you like some? FRANK Oh I’ll do that. PAULA It’s okay dear. FRANK I said I’ll do it. Sit inside woman. PAULA (WHISPERING TO ALICE) Oo so forceful - just like Christian. ALICE I’ll bring it out in a minute. PAULA (FROM OUTSIDE) Okay dear.
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7.
ALICE She thinks we’re part of some kind of fetish-loving sisterhood. You realise that? FRANK I do. ALICE (BEAT) Why are you smiling? (WHISPERING) Oh god - you’re imagining it aren’t you? I’m your daughter-in-law. FRANK (TO MIC) Have to be honest, I am. Is it my fault that she’s got such a way with words? Well I can’t unimagine it so might as well save it for later. FRANK Sorry. ALICE You’re not though are you? Never mind, what are we going to about last- (VOICE GETS HIGHER) night was so great. I met with my friend Rebecca and we got drunk off our tits.(FAKE LAUGHS) MICHAEL I thought you went out with Tina? ALICE Oh did I say Rebecca? I meant Tina. It’s because they both - (BEAT) both are massive alcoholics. I mean MASSIVE. FRANK What d’ya want son? MICHAEL Just wondering if you had any desserts. ALICE You said you were stuffed five minutes ago? MICHAEL I’m a growing lad, aren’t I Dad? FRANK (TO MIC) He shoulda stopped being able to say that about fifteen years ago.
8. Scene: 4 - Coffee Shop SOUND: SURROUNDING CHIT CHAT. NEWSPAPER RUSTLING ALICE (TO MIC) (AGITATED) Why couldn’t I have chosen 43, loves walks in the countryside? Or 38, a painter? Where is that bugger? Ah here he is. FRANK Hey I’m just gonna grab a tea. ALICE Sit your ass down Frank. We need to sort this out. FRANK Okay, what do you propose? ALICE I don’t know. I don’t frickin’ know. Obviously Michael can’t find out and I assume you don’t want Paula to find out either. (BEAT) Well, answer me. FRANK Of course I don’t want her to know. ALICE Sorry I’ve had four double espressos. I’m a panic drinker. (BEAT) Why are you holding my hands down? FRANK To calm you down. You’re going to poke someone’s eye out flappin’ about like that. ALICE (TO MIC) Hm, they aren’t as rough as I thought they’d be. Wait. ALICE Okay thanks. You can let go now. I’m calm. FRANK Lets just not say anything. ALICE And you’re okay with that? FRANK If it means not hurting Paula and Michael. ALICE I know I’m all caffeined up but you’re surprisingly alright with this situation.
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FRANK Well I was scared last night but now we’ve had this little chat ALICE Oh my god, I’m not your first! SOUND: CHIT CHAT STOPS. FRANK Keep it down will you. Scene: 5 - Street SOUND: PASSING TRAFFIC. A PHONE DIAL. ALICE (VOICEMAIL) Hi this is Alice. Sorry I can’t take your call. Mike, get up and get your own lasagnSOUND: PHONE BEEP MICHAEL Hey Al, it’s me. Finished work early so thought I’d see if you’re in town. Maybe grab a coffee? I realise I’ve been a bit(BEAT) Hold on. I think I see you. Are you in Jacobs? Is that my Dad? Why’s he holding your hands? Scene: 6 - Coffee Shop SOUND: SURROUNDING CHIT CHAT ALICE (WHISPERING) How many others have there been? MICHAEL (FADING ON) Hey Dad, Al. I just called you. Didn’t you hear it? ALICE Michael! Ah sorry it’s on vibrate. What are you doing here? ALICE (TO MIC) Seriously, what is he doing here? MICHAEL Finished work early didn’t I? Since when did you two meet for a cuppa?
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10.
FRANK Actually I’m gettin’ a tea. Want anything? MICHAEL No thanks. (BEAT) Ah I know what this is. FRANK You do? ALICE (TO MIC) How could he possibly know already? MICHAEL You’re planning a surprise birthday party for Mum aren’t you? The big five-three! ALICE Damn you got us. FRANK (TO MIC) Her birthday’s not for a few more weeks? ALICE He got us good, didn’t he Frank? FRANK Damn it Michael. We wanted to surprise you too but cat’s out the bag now. Just don’t tell your Mum. Let her think you don’t know. MICHAEL Course Dad. SOUND: PHONE RINGS MICHAEL Hey. Oh really? Yeah I’m not too far. Okay I’m on my way back. (BEAT. TO FRANK) Sorry but I’ve got to go back to work. I’ll let you get on with the whatever it is you’re doing. FRANK (TO MIC) Did he just wink at me? MICHAEL Before I go, were you holding hands? FRANK No, I was just getting a spider off her. MICHAEL On both hands?
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11.
ALICE One of those jumping ones. Okay bye Michael. MICHAEL Okay bye. Ooh have you got a theme yet? ALICE Not yet. MICHAEL I know I moan about it but she loves that fifty shades crap, doesn’t she? What about that? ALICE Mhmm. MICHAEL (FADING OFF) Okay see you tonight. ALICE (BEAT) Oh my god we’re gonna have to throw a bloody party?! FRANK Looks like it. She’d love that as a theme though. going by that ad, so would you.
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SOUND: NEWSPAPER WHACK FRANK Oi. I was havin’ you on. Scene: 7 - Home: Living Room SOUND: MICROWAVE STIRS AND PINGS MICHAEL Thanks. You know it’s really nice you and my Dad spending loads of time together. ALICE (NONCHALANTLY) Yeah, it’s been great. MICHAEL (FOOD IN HIS MOUTH) So I was thinking, maybe I should do the same with your Mum. Give her a call? ALICE (CHOKING) No don’t do that!
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12.
MICHAEL Why not? ALICE I mean don’t worry. She’s a bit depressed at the moment. Dad’s birthday’s coming up. MICHAEL Ah sorry, I forgot. (BEAT). Maybe she’d like an invite to the party? Cheer her up. ALICE No don’t be silly. She’s not into all that stuff. She’ll be embarrassed. MICHAEL Can’t hurt to ask. At least she’ll know we thought of her. SOUND: PHONE BUTTONS BEING PRESSED. MICHAEL Hi Marion. You alright? (BEAT) I’m good thanks - ah crap, I’ve dropped lasagna on me. Ah, sorry about the language. I don’t know if Al has spoken to you recently but her and Dad are throwing Mum a birthday party next Friday and we were wondering if you wanted to come. ALICE (TO MIC) She won’t come. MICHAEL Oh she didn’t mention it to you? ALICE (TO MIC) Mum doesn’t even like Paula that much. Not after she kept handing her shots at the wedding and Mum threw up in front of everyone. MICHAEL The theme is Fifty Shades of Grey. (BEAT) Yeah, aha. You gonna be alright with that? ALICE (TO MIC) Please. The only leather experience she’s had is her bum on that two piece suite and foot stool. She is not coming. MICHAEL Ah okay. (PLEASED WITH HIMSELF) Maybe we can get a coffee sometime? (BEAT) Okay, nice speaking to ya Marion. Have a good night.
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13.
ALICE (TO MIC) What did I say? She’s not coming. MICHAEL She’s coming! And we’re gonna go for coffee sometime next week. ALICE What?! (BEAT) I mean what, really? That’s great. MICHAEL She said she might be a bit late. Something about neighbourhood watch. But she’ll be over after that. (FOOD IN HIS MOUTH) So what’s next on the list? Scene: 8 - Cake Store SOUND: STORE BELL RINGS FRANK Thanks for coming to pick up the cake. ALICE Well I wasn’t going to let you get the bus all the way here was I? And I guess I’m gonna have to look after it until the party anyway. FRANK Hello? We’re here to pick up a cake. ALICE Wow the cakes here are pretty impressive. What have you got her? FRANK Victoria sponge. ALICE Bit boring isn’t it. FRANK It’s her favourite. STORE OWNER Ah hello mate. Gimme a sec. I know which one’s yours. I’ve got it out back. Made exactly to your design. ALICE Oh you got one especially. (BEAT) What is that? FRANK It’s an arse.
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ALICE I can see it’s an arse. FRANK The detail on the belt is great. And the red on the cheeks is a really good touch. Really makes you feel the pain. ALICE Really? You got Paula an arse? FRANK She’ll love it. ALICE Don’t you think you’re taking the theme a bit too far? FRANK You’ve seen nothing yet. Wait ’til you see the decorations for the house. Might need your help with them too actually. ALICE Can’t Michael help with that? FRANK He’s keeping Paula busy. Unless you wanna do that? ALICE Yeah I’m alright. I’ll help with the decorations. Scene: 9 - In the Car SOUND: PASSING TRAFFIC ALICE (TO MIC) Thank god I won’t have to look at this bloody arse cake anymore. It’s just been sat in the kitchen judging me(BEAT) Oh for god’s sake how many sets of traffic lights can one street need? I can’t wait for this to be over. What am I saying? This will never be over. I’ll be looking after Frank’s judging arse cakes for the rest of my life. SOUND: CAR HORN ALICE Don’t beep me! The light hasn’t even changed yet! SOUND: DRAWN OUT CAR HORN
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ALICE Like that do ya? ALICE (TO MIC) Oh don’t cross now. SOUND: CAR HORN ALICE I know but can’t you see the old lady?! What do you want me to do? Run her over? SOUND: MULTIPLE CAR HORNS ALICE Are you actually kidding me?! It’s about to go red! Fine. SOUND: CAR REVS. CLUTCH RELEASE. ALICE I can make it. I can make it! (BEAT) Oh my god I can’t make it! SOUND: CAR BRAKES. CAKE SPLATTER Scene: 10 - Outside Frank’s House SOUND: DOOR BELL. DOOR OPENS. FRANK Hey. ALICE (NERVOUSLY) Hey, so I’m just gonna do a quick in out job. (BEAT) Wipe that grin off your face. FRANK What are you talking about? You said you’d help with the decorations. Plus Michael will think something’s going on. ALICE He’s not wrong there. We are throwing your wife a birthday party. FRANK So you are helping? SOUND: ALICE GROANS AN ADMISSION
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16.
FRANK Can I see it again? ALICE See what? FRANK The cake. ALICE Can you not wait ’til I get inside? FRANK Why won’t you let me see it? ALICE No don’tFRANK (BEAT) Why do I have a flat arse? ALICE I kinda had an accident in the car. But look the icing’s fine and it still looks sore. FRANK I spose it looks like it’s just been smacked with a paddle. ALICE A paddle? FRANK Yeah you know thoseALICE I know what it is. I’m just surprised you do. SOUND: BIRD COOS. BIRD POO HITS THE CAKE FRANK Crap. ALICE Can I come in now? FRANK You know what that looks like? ALICE Shut up Frank. SOUND: DOOR SHUTTING (CONTINUED)
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ALICE So what do you want help with? FRANK Setting the pole up. ALICE Sorry? FRANK The dance pole. It’s in that box over there. ALICE (TO MIC) Of course it is. Scene: 11 - Coffee Shop SOUND: SURROUNDING CHIT CHAT BARISTA Your coffees? MICHAEL Thank you. (BEAT) Ow that’s hot. PAULA Wait til it cools a bit. So what have you been up to? MICHAEL Had tea at Marion’s last Wednesday. PAULA Alice’s Marion? MICHAEL Yeah well, she’s been making an effort with Dad hasn’t she, so I thought I’d do the same. She made me dinner too. PAULA Did she give you that god-awful chicken soup? MICHAEL Mum be nice. It was Trevor’s birthday last week. But yeah, it was pretty bad. (SIPS SOME COFFEE) So what did Dad get you for your birthday? PAULA (DISHEARTENED) Er, that book I wanted. Fifty Shades Darker.
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MICHAEL Oh, you don’t sound too happy? PAULA Well I just thought he’d, I don’t know, do something a little different. (BEAT) I asked for that book so he hasn’t exactly gone out his way. I mean it’s my fifty-third birthday for Christ’s sake! Not fifty-second or fifty-sixth. MICHAEL That’s what I said! PAULA When? MICHAEL Drink up. (SLURPS HIS COFFEE AND YELPS) I have something to show you. Scene: 12 - Frank’s House: Living Room ALICE There’s no stripper’s pole in the book. And no one’s actually going to use that. You realise that? FRANK Sure they will. You don’t know who’s coming. ALICE (TO MIC) What do you mean by that? FRANK Test it out will ya? ALICE If you think I’m getting on that pole you’re going to be seriously disappointed. You test it. You’re heavier. FRANK Fine. I will. (GRUNTS AS HE STRADDLES THE POLE) Well would you look at that. ALICE (TO MIC) I’m actually quite impressed. I didn’t think he’d have the body strength. What with that beer belly andALICE (EMBARRASSED) Okay Frank. You don’t need to show off. Stop twirling.
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19.
FRANK What you don’t like this? But it’s so fun. Go on, give it a go. SOUND: DOOR OPENS MICHAEL Surprise! Happy Birth- (BEAT) Dad? ALICE Ah Paula! Happy Birthday! SOUND: FRANK FALLS TO THE FLOOR FRANK Umph. (GROANS) Michael, the party’s not for another hour! PAULA Frank? ALICE Sorry no one’s here yet. FRANK Check it out! It’s a pole! PAULA (SOBBING) Oh Frank! Just like old times. ALICE (TO MIC) Paula used to be a pole dancer? PAULA And here was me getting all upset. MICHAEL And check out this cake! It’s a, what is that white stuff? ALICE (QUIETLY) Ah, I wouldn’t touch that. MICHAEL Okay you can see the cake later. FRANK I’ve got sumin for you in the bedroom too. Come on.
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20.
ALICE Stupid question, but did your Mum used to be a, I don’t know, a pole dancer? (BEAT) Yeah, I thought it was a stupid question. What are you doing? MICHAEL (GRUNTING) Wow this is so high up. ALICE Mike, you’ve just tucked in your knees. Your about a foot off the ground. SOUND: DOOR BELL RINGS ALICE Coming. SOUND: DOOR OPENS ALICE (TO MIC) Oh my god. What is he wearing? PARTY GUEST Hi? ALICE Hi I’m Alice. You here for Paula’s party? (BEAT) Come in, come in. (BEAT) That’s a nice, er, chain you’ve got there. PARTY GUEST Yeah I did feel a bit awkward walking down the street with it hanging off my neck. Am I early? ALICE A little but don’t worry Frank and Paula should be down in a minute. PARTY GUEST Oh she’s already here? ALICE Yeah Michael brought- (SHOCKED) Paula! Michael, take a look at your Mum. PAULA I know! Isn’t this outfit great? It sucks all my folds in and everything. MICHAEL (WHISPERING) (MORE) (CONTINUED)
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21.
MICHAEL (cont’d) Why’s my Mum wearing skin-tight leather? (BACK TO NORMAL VOICE) Mum why are you wearing skin-tight leather?! SOUND: DOOR BELL RINGS FRANK I’ll go. PAULA Hey, can I have a word with you two? MICHAEL Sure. ALICE Wow, your friend over there really took this Fifty Shades theme quite far. PAULA Well here’s the thing. We were going to wait until you were older but then we kind of stopped and then it didn’t matter. SOUND: ARRIVING PARTY GUESTS MICHAEL What didn’t matter? PAULA Me and your Dad. (BEAT) We used to be swingers. ALICE (TO MIC) Holy crap. We’re at a swingers party. PAULA I’m sorry we didn’t tell you before tonight. But I didn’t know your Dad was going to invite all our old swinger friends over. ALICE (TO MIC) (IN SHOCK) We’re at a swingers party. MICHAEL Al we’re at a swingers party. ALICE I know we’re at a bloody swingers party Michael!
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22.
PAULA I’m sorry if you feel uncomfortable. I don’t mind if you want to leave. FRANK How’s my birthday girl? Look who’s here, it’s Ellen and Robert! PAULA Ellen, how many years has it been? ALICE Frank, could I have a word with you in private. To sort out that thing. FRANK Yeah sure. MICHAEL Ellen my old baby sitter Ellen? Scene: 13 - Frank’s House: Spare Bedroom SOUND: MUFFLED PARTY GOERS FRANK What’s wrong? ALICE What’s wrong? What’s wrong?! I’m at my mother-in-law’s swingers party, that I helped organise! FRANK Yeah I probably should’ve told you about that. ALICE You think? (SIGHS HEAVILY) So you’re a swinger? FRANK Used to be. ALICE Well that’s what Paula thinks anyway. FRANK I thought we agreed not to say anything. ALICE I’m not going to say anything. I’m just angry you lied.
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23.
FRANK I didn’t lie. IALICE Okay, you didn’t lie. But you didn’t tell the whole truth either. PAULA (DOWNSTAIRS) Oh Sandra! Those aren’t the same clamps fromSOUND: LAUGHTER DOWNSTAIRS ALICE I’ve been worrying about this for weeks. Meanwhile you’ve been designing arse cakes and dancing on poles like you’re not even bothered. FRANK What d’ya want me to say? ALICE That you’re as scared as me. Scene: 14 - Frank’s House: Living Room SOUND: PARTY GOERS. HIPPY 60S MUSIC. ALICE Michael can we go? We’ve been here an hour. And frankly I’m a little bored watching these old people tongue each other like horny teenagers. MICHAEL Hey look who’s here. ALICE Mum? MARION Alice what is this? ALICE Oh my god Mum, I’m so sorry. I forgot. We didn’t know. PAULA (INEBRIATED) Hello Marion. MARION (BEWILDERED) Hello Paula. I’ve just popped in to say happy birthday.
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PAULA Don’t be silly, you have to stay. MARION I can’t. I just feel a tad out of place. I knew there was a theme but I was not aware we had to dress up. And that there would be so many people. PAULA Here hold this whip. MARION No I can’tPAULA And have this shot. I’ve already had plenty. MARION I’m sorry butPAULA (FORCEFULLY) I insist. Come on. (ALOUD TO EVERYONE) Don’t tell me Marion’s scared of a little brandy? Shot. Shot. ALICE Mum, ignore her. She’s just a little tipsy. SOUND: PARTY CHANT ’SHOT’ THEN CHEER ALICE (TO MIC) What theMARION Why not. I’m here now. (WHISPERING TO ALICE) You think I’m going to let her win again? ALICE Mum, it’s not a competition. MARION What is it the kids say these days? (MUMBLES WORDS THEN A BEAT) Rolo! ALICE I think it’s YOLO. MARION Don’t be silly. That sounds ridiculous. Hand me another shot. SOUND: GLASSES CHINK. PARTY CHEERS
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25.
ALICE Be careful Mum. MICHAEL Looks like we’re staying then. PAULA Woo! Scene: 15 - Frank’s House: Living Room SOUND: PARTY GOERS. HIPPY 60S MUSIC. PAULA (SLURRING) Turn it down a little. I’d like to say something. SOUND: MUSIC QUIETENS. A SEXUAL GROAN SLIPS. CHATTING STOPS PAULA I’d just like to say thank you to everyone for coming. It’s been the best fifty-third birthday ever. Thank you Frank for putting this all together. SOUND: CHEERING AND WHIPPING PAULA But there was no way he could’ve done it alone. I mean look at him with that thing strapped to his head. That’s not where it goes honey. ALICE (TO MIC) Please don’t Paula. PAULA So to the best daughter-in-law in the world, Alice. MARION (DRUNK) Alice, that’s you. ALICE I know Mum. PAULA To Alice. SOUND: CHEERING ’TO ALICE’
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MARION (DELAYED) Alice! FRANK Happy birthday Paula. PAULA And remember everyone. SOUND: PARTY CHEER ’NO MEANS NO’. 60S MUSIC RESUMES PAULA Here Alice, have a drink. ALICE I’m alright thank you. Someone has to drive this lot home. PAULA They can sleep in the spare bedrooms. MICHAEL (DRUNK) Check out that lady’s nipple tassels. Round and round and, I need to sit down. MARION (FADING OFF) Trevor used to love bondage. PAULA Please? It is my birthday. ALICE Okay. Happy birthday Paula. SOUND: GLASSES CHINK PAULA Frank really couldn’t have done this without you. You know that? FRANK (FADING ON) Hey Paula, have you spoken to Jerry yet? ALICE Ah sorry Paula, could you hold this. I’m just gonna use your loo.
27.
Scene: 16 - Frank’s House: Upstairs Hallway SOUND: MUFFLED PARTY GOERS ALICE (TO MIC) I’m just going to hide. Yep, I’m thinking that’s the best option at this point. I wonder if Michael still has that poster up of Elmo? SOUND: MUFFLED WHIPPING ALICE (TO MIC) The Red Room of Pain? He hasn’t..? SOUND: DOOR OPENS. WHIPPING. MUFFLED SCREAMING. ALICE Oh god! Can you get out my husband’s bedroom. SOUND: MUFFLED TALK ALICE What? PARTY GUEST He said he’s chained to the bed. ALICE (A LITTLE UPSET) Please. I need some space. SOUND: UNLOCKING OF CHAINS ALICE Thank you. (BEAT) You might want to put some Savlon on that. Looks like it’s bleeding a bit. SOUND: DOOR SHUTS Scene: 17 - Frank’s House: Living Room SOUND: PARTY GOERS. HIPPY 60S MUSIC. MARION Have you seen the cake Michael? Look, it’s very realistic. Don’t tell your Mum if I have a bit of that icing will you. MICHAEL Wait-
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28.
MARION Urgh, that’s horrific. What is that? MICHAEL It’s bird poo. SOUND: MARION VOMITS PAULA (LAUGHING) Ha! Paula, two. Marion, zero! MICHAEL Lets take you to the bathroom, okay Marion? Scene: 18 - Frank’s House: Michael’s Bedroom SOUND: MUFFLED MUSIC. KNOCKING ON DOOR PAULA (BEHIND THE DOOR) Alice? Can I come in? ALICE (TO MIC) Not really. ALICE Sure. SOUND: DOOR OPENS. VOMITTING FROM DOWN THE HALLWAY PAULA (SHOUTING DOWN THE CORRIDOR) That’s a hat-trick! (TO ALICE) Hey. Your mum’s being sick but don’t worry, Michael’s looking after her. SOUND: PAULA SITTING ON BED. MUFFLED VIBRATOR. PAULA Woops. It’s been a while since I’ve sat on one of these. SOUND: VIBRATING STOPS PAULA Are you okay? I’m sorry if it’s been a little uncomfortable for you tonight. (BEAT) Frank really pushed the boat out tonight, didn’t he? ALICE Yeah. Maybe a little too far.
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CONTINUED:
29.
ALICE (TO MIC) Oh my god, you’re heavy. (BREATHES IN HEAVILY) Okay, lay on me that’s fine. PAULA I really want to thank you again for helping Frank do this. Between you and me things between us haven’t been the best. ALICE Can I ask you something? PAULA Sure. ALICE Why did you stop? I mean you obviously enjoy the, well, this. PAULA Well I had Michael and it just didn’t sit right with me. ALICE Do you miss it? PAULA Sometimes. Frank does more than me. I guess that’s why he still meets other women. Sorry. ALICE (TO MIC) Oh crap. She knew! What do I say to that?! Words. Use your words Alice! You know what? Fine. ALICE (BEAT) About thatSOUND: PAULA VOMITS PAULA I am so sorry. MARION (DOWN THE HALLWAY) That’s your Mum isn’t it? I heard that Paula! Three-one. ALICE That’s alright. It’s just a pair of shoes.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
30.
PAULA (GROGGY) At least I didn’t get it in my hair like your mum. ALICE Yeah, you did a little Paula. (BEAT) Paula? SOUND: PAULA SNORES. ALICE STRUGGLING TO PUSH PAULA OFF. ALICE Michael! I need your help. Your Mum’s fallen asleep on me. Scene: 19 - Frank’s House: Bathroom SOUND: MUFFLED MUSIC MICHAEL (SLURRING) Hold on, let me hold your hair back. Oh this smells awful. (GAGS) MARION I think I might be finished. MICHAEL Okay well lets get this gimp mask off and you can sleep in the spare bedroom. MARION Okay. SOUND: TOILET FLUSHING. DRUNKEN FOOTSTEPS MICHAEL (LAUGHING) Watch it. You’ve got that whip caught around my foot. SOUND: DOOR OPENING MICHAEL Lets just take this off. Oh and that too? Okay. Watch it Marion, you’re pulling me over. Wow you’re strong for such a (BEAT) delicate lady. SOUND: FALLING ONTO BED
31. Scene: 20 - Frank’s House: Michael’s Bedroom SOUND: MUFFLED MUSIC. TOSSING ABOUT ON BED ALICE (TO MIC) I can’t keep the hair out your face if you won’t stop moving. SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR ALICE Ah finally! I’ve been calling for ten minutes. FRANK Did you tell her? ALICE Not now Frank. Can you help get her off me? FRANK She been sick? ALICE No, those are decorative beads stuck to my shoes. SOUND: BED CREAKING ALICE I was about to tell her. FRANK But you didn’t? ALICE Why do you care so much? FRANK Because I love her. (BEAT) Hey don’t you look at me like that. I do. You wouldn’t understand anyway. ALICE You’re right. I don’t. FRANK I’ll finish cleaning her up. ALICE Have you seen my mum and Michael? FRANK Yeah, Michael’s put her in a spare room. Just let her sleep it off. Think he’s pole dancing for Ellen.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
32.
ALICE Before I go, she’s got a few chunks stuck around her ear. PAULA (ASLEEP) Christian, stop it. Scene: 21 - Frank’s House: Spare Bedroom SOUND: BIRDS TWEETING MICHAEL (GROANS) Have you seen my trousers anywhere? SOUND: MARION SIGHS MICHAEL Were you hot last night? I was sweating like a beast. MARION Michael? SOUND: SCUFFLING ON THE BED. MICHAEL FALLS OFF. MICHAEL Marion?!