We all have heard the news. The King of Pop has died. I was a fan of Michael Jackson’s work, and I truly feel sorry for the tragic life he obviously struggled to live. Rest in peace MJ. You were certainly one of a kind. Now, that being said.... ...the guy was f’n Bats! Crazy doesn’t even really begin to describe it. Allow me to take you back to 2002. At the VMAs, the lovely Ms. Spears was supposed to give Jacko a birthday cake. Instead, she got nervous and blurted out that MJ was the “Artist of the Millennium...” Monday, June 29, 2009
Our beloved One-Gloved-One then proceeded to take the stage and accept this nonexistent award. He gave a touching, heartfelt speech in which he thanked his fans, his family, God, and David Blaine. I believe that it was at this very moment that Michael should have been stripped of his Kingly status and rechristened the Duke of Did He Really Just... The guy was clearly off his rocker and in no position to rule a remote control, let alone Pop. Therefore, now that he has officially passed, I think it’s time that we crown a new King of Pop of the Millennium Monday, June 29, 2009
The nominees are...
Monday, June 29, 2009
Arguably the frontrunner, JT reminds us all of what we loved best about Michael. He’s a great singer, an incredible dancer, white, etc. For a second there, it looked like Justin would be outseated by Chris Brown, but then of course there was that unfortunate incident between Brown and that girl from Barbados. JT hasn’t been as prolific as MJ, but he’s young. He has time to keep churning out hits. Will he do it with a crown atop his recently-returned-sexy dome? Monday, June 29, 2009
Usher is another long-timerumored successor to the throne. Like Justin, he’s got the singing and dancing part covered. Still, he has yet to find the same longterm mainstream success as JT or MJ. What Usher lacks in worldwide fame, he more than makes up for in abs. He’s clearly taken the “If you can’t beat’em, flex’em” approach to his campaign. The real question is: has he done enough sit-ups to hold the weight of the world?
Monday, June 29, 2009
No one has had a bigger year than our current Commander-In-Chief, Barack Hussein Obama. Additionally, the only other person to elicit as much worldwide enthusiasm in the past millennium was Michael Jackson. Plus, you should hear his rendition of “Dirty Diana.� Chilling.
Monday, June 29, 2009
The title is King of Pop of the MILLENNIUM. Meaning, we’ve got 1,000 years to cover. In his day, no one was bigger than Mozart. Not even that douchebag Beethoven. Monday, June 29, 2009
It takes big, brass balls to be King of Pop of the Millennium. And no one is a bigger cock than this dickhead, Spencer Pratt.
Monday, June 29, 2009
And the award goes to...
Monday, June 29, 2009
Michael McDonald! He was a Doobie Brother. He’s a beautiful man, inside and out. He has a voice that sounds as if it were created by Jesus himself while wearing a silk body suit and curing Leprosy with his tears. He coaches youth volleyball. You can hear his work in every grocery store in America. Look at those eyes. Nuff said. Congratulations Michael.
Monday, June 29, 2009