COVER STORY: We Need to Talk

Since joining IHQ staff in 2017, I’ve become more open with my co-workers. Within about a week of working with me, you’ll learn I am medicated for anxiety and ADHD. Stick around another week and you’ll probably learn I had what I refer to as a “starter marriage” in my 20s or about the two miscarriages I had in my late 30s. After that, there’s no telling what you’ll learn about me.

Part of it is probably my age and I'm sure a lot of it is the comfort I feel working primarily with women (most of whom are my Alpha Gam sisters). But I think a lot of it comes from my growing desire for women to stop feeling embarrassed to say the things they really need to talk about. I want those in my circle to feel like they can ask me questions or share their concerns without judgment. Whatever it is they are going through—they are not alone.

From an early age, it was ingrained in most of us to “be nice” and not to “air our dirty laundry.” We're expected to assert ourselves, but not to be bossy. We feel pressure to shine, but not at the expense of others. We’re told to put our best foot forward, but not be boastful. If that isn’t enough, we’re expected keep smiling through it.

For example, 10–20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But when I went through it, I couldn't think of a single person it had happened to, much less anyone I felt like talking to about it. And even though half of marriages end in divorce, the feelings of failure I held onto altered my outlook on life and love for nearly 10 years. The sadness, depression, fear shame and anxiety I didn't talk about affected nearly every facet of my life.

Holding in negative emotions can trigger a fight-or-flight response. According to Gerald Fishkin, author of The Science of Shame, shame can trigger this response and thus affect the limbic system—the part of the brain that regulates involuntary body functions, such as heartbeat, blood flow, breathing and digestion.

While the physiological response associated with fight-or-flight can play a critical role during life-threatening situations, frequent activation can lead to high blood pressure, panic attacks, depression, insomnia—even a weakened immune system.

It doesn't have to be this way. A study from Carnegie Mellon University's Laboratory for the Study of Stress Immunity and Disease found that even the perceived availability of social support can help ward off the common cold. The keyword here is perceived. Simply knowing you have a supportive network can keep you healthier.

Apparently, it works both ways. The National Center for Biotechnology Information reported that giving support to a friend can be as good for a person's health and well-being as receiving it. I used to push stress and guilt way down because I didn't want to burden anyone or appear weak.

When that burden became too heavy to bear, an ongoing Facebook chat with a group of chapter sisters literally saved my sanity. From talking me through the first few days home from the hospital with my son to reassuring me I am not the only new mom who has faked going to the bathroom so someone else would have to change a diaper, these women have helped me navigate pregnancy, childbirth and now motherhood. We've gone through literal life and death together. No topic is off limits—and I love them dearly for it.

So until women no longer feel the stigma around talking about the things we don't talk about enough, I choose to be an open book. For myself, for others, for you.

What do you wish women would talk about more?

"I wish women didn’t feel the need to suffer in silence after the loss of a pregnancy. So many of us have gone through it and can be there to support each other.”— Cristina Johnson Struble, Theta Xi–Clemson University

"We need to have more discussions about women's health. There are some common issues a lot of women don’t realize they could have. Learning I had uterine fibroids rocked my world because I had never even heard of it, much less knew someone who talked about it." — Susan Dupar DeCorey, Epsilon Phi, Texas Women's

“We need to be open about things like advocating for yourself in the workplace, asking for a raise, speaking up when the topic is sensitive and taking risks without apology. Other women are not our competition—overconfident, mediocre men are usually the ones to worry about.” — Sara Swiatlowski, Zeta Zeta, Worcester Polytechnic Institute

“Postpartum Depression and mental health struggles during the early days of motherhood are so widespread, yet we’re not talking about it. I struggled in silence for so long thinking something was wrong with me until I finally started to open up with other moms." — Kelly Dermyer Cornett, Alpha Upsilon—Central Michigan University

"I wish more women would talk about failure and how it has changed their trajectory. Did you pick yourself up and try again or go in a different direction? How do you recognize a dead-end and find the courage to get off that path and try something else?” — Katie Van Nus Sanders, Theta Delta–University of North Georgia

,“Taking care of my elderly parents is one of the hardest things I've ever done. There aren’t a lot of resources for people in the everyday caretaker role, but it totally changes the cadence of your life. It feels wrong to vent or complain because it is an act of love.” — Deann Malone Epsilon Upsilon–Truman State University

“I wish I’d known more about the impact of major life changes like the emotional, financial and social impact of losing a spouse/partner.” — Chi Chi Coe Allen, Epsilon Beta–University of Kansas

“Marriage is hard—and it’s okay if it doesn’t work out. Moving back home and having to admit I was getting divorced was awkward and brought on feelings of failure. Now that I’m in my 40s, I realize this is common and nothing to be ashamed of." — Angie Rains McNeill, Upsilon–University of Oklahoma

"Most women start perimenopause in their late 30s and early 40s but no one talks about it or warns you of what that really means to your mental health. The sneaky weight gain, fatigue, sweats, insomnia, hair loss—not to mention how the realization that your child-bearing years are over—impacts your daily mental health.” — Veronika Folz, Alpha–Syracuse University

"It feels like society pushes us to get married right out of college—especially in the south. It is okay to love being single and not want kids! At 25, I don’t even fully know who I am yet—but I’m having a fantastic time figuring it all out. The only baggage I want right now is the kind I check at the airport for my next big adventure.” — Lindi Miller, Epsilon Zeta, Arkansas State University

"Infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss affects way more women than we realize—and no one talks about it! It’s a silent secret that no woman should have to bear alone.”— Melissa Joy Hervey, Theta Delta–University of North Georgia

Knowing When to MYOB

Being open with your feelings and experiences is up to you, but it's important to let other people open up at their own pace. Asking personal questions—even of those you're closest to—can be hurtful. For example, being repeatedly asked "When are you two going to have kids?" can be extremely hurtful for someone silently struggling with a miscarriage or fertility issues.

"There is no right or wrong human experience and—although we may be curious—sometimes questions can be distressful to the person on the other end. Whether the question is about relationships, family, health or lifestyle, these can be very personal and emotional," said Licensed Medical Social Worker Jennifer Geigan, Theta Upsilon–Georgetown College. "Some questions we have been modeled to ask are sometimes best left unsaid."

By Jennifer Freeman Thompson, Upsilon–University of Oklahoma, with a detour to Epsilon Zeta–Arkansas State University. She serves as the Marketing Manager at IHQ, editor of the Quarterly and secretary of the NPC Communicators. She lives in North Little Rock, Arkansas, with her husband and son. Hear her talk about this issue and more in episode 33 of Love, Lead, Listen — available at alphagammadelta.org/podcast.