April facets 2018 page web

FACETS

April 2018

The magazine for women.

Easton shares her fostering experience Single mom focused on raising children with respect, honesty Technology and the family dynamic shift

FACETS 2 | FACETS | APRIL 2018

The magazine for women.

Editor MARGO NIEMEYER

Publisher SCOTT ANDERSON

Contributors MARLYS BARKER AUSTIN CANNON LISA COCHRAN CLARA JANZEN DAN MIKA GRAYSON SCHMIDT CAITLIN WARE

Tribune Editor MICHAEL CRUMB

Photographs MARLYS BARKER DAN MIKA

FACETS IS A MONTHLY PUBLICATION OF GATEHOUSE MEDIA IOWA HOLDINGS.

ADVERTISERS To advertise in Facets magazine, contact Tiffany Hilfiker at (515) 663-6973 PHONE (515) 663-6923 ADDRESS 317 Fifth St. Ames, IA, 50010 EMAIL mniemeyer@amestrib.com ONLINE www.amestrib.com/sections/ special-sections/facets

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n honor of Mother’s Day in May, we decided to focus on the topic of motherhood. We found that motherhood has so many facets — and facets to those facets — that we couldn’t cover everything.

We did however feel that it is such an important topic and aspect of life that it should be allowed two issues.

This issue will cover topics such as what to expect during pregnancy, choosing not to be a mother, fostering and adopting, family counseling, being the parent of a child with a disability and being a single parent.

I’m not a mom, unless you count my dog and foster dog to be my children. I treat them like they are my kids ... sort of. I am so excited for this issue and the next. As a 28-year-old female, motherhood is constantly on my mind in one way or another. Do I want to be pregnant at some point in my life or is fostering and/or adopting a better option for me? I’m not sure choosing to be a single parent is something I could do. I would need someone to be ‘on my team.’

Reading about the stories of the women we talked to is so interesting to me. We have so many good stories in this issue, and coming up in May, that I just can’t pick a favorite. These stories are inspiring and some of them make you think. And most importantly they all give a small glimpse into what motherhood is really about, whether you are a mom, choose not to go that direction in life, or are unable to become pregnant.

On the cover: Emily Easton in a children’s bedroom in her home. Easton and her family have fostered for about five years. Photo by Dan Mika/GateHouse Iowa

FACETS • Table of contents

motherhood 4 Pregnancy

5

Forgetfulness to cravings: some things that may happen to your body

Choosing not to be a mother

Four women who chose to take their lives in different paths

8

Kimberly Catherwood

Single mom has raised five children with a focus on respect and honesty

10 Raising Avery

Couple shares challenges, joys of raising a child with a disability

14 Patterson: ‘We’ve created a monster I’m afraid’

Technology and the shift of the family dynamic

15 Five years of fostering

Emily Easton on fostering’s emotional ups and downs

18 Ruth Buckles:

21 kids strong

21 Family and money

Financially preparing for a child

Community 22 “May the Circle be Unbroken”

Good Company presents spring concert

savor 23 Black-eyed peas with oranges and chipotle

A smoky-sweet dressing takes this dish to another level

FACETS | APRIL 2018 | 3

motherhood

Pregnancy

Forgetfulness to cravings: some things that may happen to your body

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BY CAITLIN WARE GateHouse Iowa

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hen it comes to pregnancy, everyone has likely heard that carrying another human for nine months brings with it a beautiful, healthy glow.

Hand-in-hand are a host of “normal” side effects associated with pregnancy that most expecting mothers know about from the get-go, like morning sickness, fatigue and swollen feet.

But there are also dozens of other stranger, less well-known symptoms that can make an appearance, from your head to your toes and everything in between.

According to Director of Maternal Child Services at Mary Greeley Medical Center Amy Dagestad, if you’re feeling forgetful during pregnancy, or you can’t seem to recall where you left your keys, fear not, you’re likely suffering from something commonly called “placenta brain.”

Although not a medical condition, many pregnant women may find themselves struggling with bouts of forgetfulness that can be displayed through not remembering people’s names, searching for words and being unable to recall where things are.

“You have so much more going on, your body is focusing on growing and protecting that baby that’s growing inside of you,” said Dagestad, who is a registered nurse. “You have these moments of lapses where you can’t remember what you were doing or where you were going. It is common.”

The best way to combat it is to get proper amounts of sleep every night and rest whenever possible. It’s easy to slack on sleep schedules and assume it can be made up later in the week, Dagestad said, but maintaining a consistent sleep routine every night is crucial. The National Sleep Foundation recommends seven to nine hours of sleep per night for adults from 18-64.

Pickles on ice cream. Deep fried everything. Pineapples by the pound. Just about everyone has at least heard of, and maybe even experienced pregnancy cravings. But as it turns out, it is just as common for expecting mothers to develop an aversion to certain foods as it is to want others.

“Some people have things they can’t tolerate during pregnancy, some people can’t even look at fish, or chicken or spicy foods,” Dagestad said.

Some common pregnancy aversions include onions, eggs, meat, milk and garlic.

The key to navigating aversions and cravings is working with your healthcare provider to determine what dietary needs you

have and how to maintain them in the face of temporary palate changes.

While Dagestad noted that some women do in fact report having a “pregnancy glow,” others might experience facial hyper-pigmentation during their pregnancy, which she called “the mask of pregnancy.” Also known as melasma, the condition is typically manifested as blotchy or dark spots on the face, which usually fade without treatment at the end of pregnancy.

Melasma can be triggered by hormonal changes during pregnancy, which stimulate a temporary increase in the amount of melanin produced.

Unfortunately, there is not much to be done in terms of prevention or treatment except waiting it out if it occurs. But makeup can be a helpful tool in covering the spots up until they fade on their own, Dagestad said.

It’s not uncommon for pregnant women to find themselves consistently on the warmer side. Between hormonal shifts and metabolic changes — plus an average of 20 or 30 extra pounds in baby weight — it can feel like someone’s turning up the heat.

“You’ve got another body that’s helping heat you up, that’s keeping you warm, and then your metabolism is increased as well while you’re pregnant,” Dagestad said.

Good options for counteracting the heat and attempting to maintain a neutral body temperature are opting for cool showers, keeping the temperature lower at home and wearing lots of layers so you can always adjust to the conditions around you to stay comfortable.

Staying well-hydrated will prevent dehydration and help you feel more comfortable, especially when it’s hot outside. And fans can be another helpful tool.

During pregnancy, some women also find that their gums are more prone to bleeding during brushing and flossing.

About half of pregnant women experience the problem, which is caused by “pregnancy gingivitis,” a mild form of gum disease. Pregnancy gingivitis is in part caused by hormonal changes that make gums more sensitive to the bacteria in plaque.

It is important to practice good oral hygiene specifically during pregnancy, Dagestad said. Brushing teeth regularly, flossing daily and routinely seeing a dentist for preventive care are good places to start.

motherhood

Choosing not to be a mother: Four women who chose to take their lives in different paths

BY CLARA JANZEN AND LISA COCHRAN Contributing Writers

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others are strong, and brave, and they have a tough and very important job. Nobody will debate that; Mothers are highly praised.

However, when it comes to women who choose not to have children, people seem much more quick to judge.

The decision not to be a mother is highly stigmatized. These women are often harshly criticized for that choice, despite other life successes they may have had.

The following are stories from some of the strong, brave women who chose not to have children, and their jobs are also very tough and very important.

SHARRAN SLINKARD, 61 From a very young age, Sharran Slinkard knew she didn’t want to have children.

“My mom has said to me and my siblings, ‘I’m so glad I have you guys and I love you … but I wish I had never had children,” said Slinkard describing her own mother’s support for her decision.

“I grew up babysitting for $20 a week, and it was drudgery,” Slinkard said.

That experience and her observations led Slinkard to be very conscious of the situation of mothers and what motherhood entailed.

“When I was young, I looked around … I was already seeing what my mother dealt with,” she said.

Slinkard said she has faced criticism for that decision for a very long time, being told things such as, “You’re not a woman until you have a child.”

As to the social stigma, Slinkard said she’d like to say no it doesn’t exist, but that she knows better.

She said it’s gotten better since her

Sharran Slinkard, a resident of Ankeny. CONTRIBUTED PHOTO

mother’s time, but hasn’t progressed as much as she would have expected.

Now 61, Slinkard said she doesn’t regret her decision at all.

Immediately upon graduating high school Slinkard entered the military, and then was able to go to college after.

“Since I was 6 I wanted to go to college, and to be a teacher,” she said.

Slinkard said teaching brings her the same time of fulfillment she knows many people get from being a mother.

“You don’t have to have children to be nurturing.”

SHANNON MCGREGOR, 41 Throughout her entire life, Shannon McGregor, an Ankeny resident, has never had a desire to have children.

She attributes this to limited exposure to children throughout her life and preferring to play with animals instead of baby dolls.

McGregor’s decision has not been

Shannon McGregor. CONTRIBUTED PHOTO

met without pushback. Her first husband pushed her towards having children (an action that would ultimately contribute to their divorce). McGregor also faced criticism from her immediate family. It took several years for her mother to stop making comments in front of family and coworkers, McGregor said.

“She knew that I had this aversion to children and she kept saying ‘you’ll change your mind, you’ll change your mind’,” McGregor said. “I eventually had to be very blunt with her in my late twenties and say ‘Mom, grandchildren are not gonna happen for me.’”

With the desire to not have children, McGregor said that finding a gynecologist who is not judgemental is immensely difficult. Some gynecologists even disagree to perform hysterectomies because many of them believe that women will change their minds, McGregor said.

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motherhood CHOICE continued from page 5

McGregor’s choice to not have kids has also brought about dating difficulties.

“Dating a guy who doesn’t think you’re just a cold-hearted freak because you don’t want children is not easy,” McGregor said. “They think you’re just this heathen that’s not worth dating.”

Multiple men that McGregor has dated ended their relationships with her upon learning that she did not want children. Contrary to previous patterns, McGregor said that her current husband is accepting of her choice to not have kids.

As an English composition professor at Des Moines Area Community College, McGregor has explored various pieces of female literature in which the want or need to have children was written about. Through examining the time periods based in these works, McGregor said that there is still societal stigma against women choosing to not be mothers.

“Really not a lot has changed. My generation still has a lot of pressure from our parents to fit the mold,” McGregor said.

As a professor, she said that her choice to not have children has given her more flexibility than her coworkers. As a result, she chaired four organizations. She said that she prides herself on having a “work and school first mentality.”

McGregor said that, contrary to popular belief due to her choice to not have children, she is an open and caring person.

“I have probably one of the sappiest, softest hearts ever,”

6 | FACETS | APRIL 2018

McGregor said.

McGregor’s thoughtful disposition is evident by her offer to be a surrogate for her sister who had previously been having fertility difficulty. McGregor also said that she takes issue with the pressure placed on women to be nurturing.

“Why do they ask the question about women being nurturing so often but not about men?”

McGregor said that she feels that religion has become too intertwined with politics, in turn, making her decision to not have kids much more controversial.

Despite the pushback and criticism she has received from those around her, McGregor said that she is comforted by the fact that she and her husband are on the same page in her choice.

“It’s not a selfishness, it’s a mutual love and respect for each other.”

CRYSTAL MONEY, 30 Crystal Money’s parents had her when they were 20, typical for rural southern Georgia.

That environment resulted in Money being very conscience of family dynamics, and what it was women in the rural south were expected to do.

From a very young age, Money knew she didn’t fit that mold.

“I found baby dolls very weird, like, ‘Why would I want to take care of that?’”

motherhood Money faces a social situation unlike some other women who choose not to have children, she is married. This added aspect of adding a husband creates a different social dynamic for her to have to explain her choices within.

Money had her tubes tied, because both she and her husband agreed they didn’t want children.

“I talked to 25 doctors before I found one who would agree to do the procedure, they asked me, ‘What does your husband want?’”

Money said it would have been a deal-breaker if her husband had wanted children, and they wouldn’t have gotten married.

“I know some couples who didn’t have that talk, and I think how can you not?

People should really do that,” she said.

Money said she doesn’t regret her decision not to have children.

“My husband and I are very happy… you don’t need children to do that.”

LAURIE LINHART, 54 “I just couldn’t imagine being able to balance raising children and progressing in my career,” said Laurie Linhart, a professor of sociology.

Linhart’s choice to not have children was heavily influenced by her career goals.

The Ankeny resident said that she never felt any motherly instincts. As a college professor, she was surrounded by college-aged students and did not feel the need to have her own children.

“I felt very odd because I never had the same feeling as all of my friends.

Early on, I knew that I didn’t need to have kids,” Linhart said.

Linhart’s sociology-centered career has also allowed her to have a focus on families and marriage. This has allowed her to examine numerous trends such as the “child-free” lifestyle. Linhart said that she prefers “child-free” as opposed to “child-less” because the latter has a more negative connotation.

In her studies Linhart also claims to have unearthed the toll that motherhood can take on women.

“Knowing how difficult it is to raise children both financially and emotionally played a pretty big role,” Linhart said.

Linhart’s first post-college job was as

Laurie Linhart. CONTRIBUTED PHOTO

Crystal Money, a resident of Marietta, Ga. CONTRIBUTED PHOTO

an executive director of an alcohol and drug halfway house. Linhart said that this was a difficult job and was heavily time-consuming. She held this position for five years. By the time Linhart finished her next job she was in her mid30s. When she turned 40 she decided to obtain her Ph.D. Due to Linhart’s mother being 50 years old when she gave birth to her, Linhart said that she always considered this to be her age limit for giving birth.

Instead, Linhart enveloped herself in her multiple jobs.

“It seemed like I ran out of time after all of those years,” Linhart said.

She initially faced some pushback from her husband in the early years of her marriage, although because she had married in her early 30s, she said she felt that her marriage needed to be solidified before there was any discussion of having children.

Linhart’s close relationship with her mother has also strongly impacted her choice. Because Linhart’s father passed away when she was 14 years old, Linhart’s mother became her sole guardian.

“I think the core reason why I decided I didn’t want to have children was because my mom was such a good mom,” Linhart said. “I don’t think I could rise to those expectations…She was my mom and dad through thick and thin.”

Linhart’s mother was also immensely supportive of her becoming educated and obtaining a Ph.D and never pressured her

into having children, she said.

Linhart also said that she grew up in a generation where women had more opportunity to get educated, as opposed to her older sisters who were allegedly born into a time when the cultural expectation was for women to raise children.

Linhart said that she believes there is far less stigma against women choosing to not be mothers in modern times.

“I feel that women are empowered to make these choices now,” Linhart said.

Linhart’s decision was also made after seeing her two sisters’ children suffer from drug and alcohol addiction as well as sexual abuse and Schizophrenia.

“Looking at how much struggle they had with their kids definitely impacted me,” Linhart said.

Linhart said that she has some regret in her decision. She lamented that she and her husband will not have anyone to take care of them in retirement and will go through a “lonely” phase.

Linhart also expressed having a pang of regret for her husband, yet, Linhart said that he was understanding of her choice and that her desire to not have children outweighed his desire to have children. Despite this, Linhart’s decision to not have children of her own stands.

“We have had a rich life with lots of friends and lots of interests so I think it will be fine.”

She said that she has developed close relationships with students, some of which she has felt motherly towards.

Linhart also has dogs and said that this is an outlet for her to be nurturing. “(Our dogs) are like our kids,” she said.

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motherhood

BY MARLYS BARKER GateHouse Iowa

8 | FACETS | APRIL 2018

Single mom K has raised five children with a focus on respect and honesty

imberly Catherwood has always respected her kids’ opinions, and that, she said, is one of the reasons she has been successful as a single parent.

Catherwood, 45, noted a number of principles that she’s worked to instill in her kids. The two most important ones, she said, are respect and honesty.

“I taught my kids at a young age that they respected their elders,” said the 45-year-old nurse, who works as an LPN and MDS coordinator (record keeping) at the Zearing Health Center, a nursing home on the east side of Zearing. Catherwood has five children, ranging in age from 27 down to 9. She said it was always important to her that she and her kids thought of themselves as a team.

Even though they couldn’t always get their way, she felt it was important that they could each share their opinions. “They always had a voice, but they respected me. They knew I was the adult and the one in charge.”

A native of Union, where she still lives today, Catherwood didn’t set out initially expecting to be a single parent. She was married to her oldest two children’s dad, who was in the military. The family got moved to California, and “things didn’t go well,” she said. “So we went our separate ways; I moved back to Iowa and lived with my parents,” until through the help of family and friends, she found an affordable house for her and her children.

Her other kids came along because of several close relationships, but she didn’t marry again. “I just have always struggled finding that person who is as focused on the kids as I am,” she said. She describes herself as an independent person, and she was raised around boys — her dad and brothers.

Her own dad was even a single parent to her for a time. She laughed a little as she said it, “I didn’t really need a man around for a lot of things.”

“I’ve worked in the timber, worked on cars, done auto body work, hung drywall, learned some plumbing…there isn’t much I can’t do, except maybe electrical,” Catherwood said.

With the same confidence that she talks about not needing a man, she is also confident that she was able to raise great children without the full-time presence of a father.

“A family is only what you make it,” she said, and her family hasn’t only included her own children, but five or six other kids, who spent more time in her home growing up than they did in their own and therefore earned a place in her heart as more of “her kids.”

“It doesn’t matter if they’re your blood or not; it’s how much they mean to you and you to them.” She looks around the care center, where this interview takes place, and at the people who are working and being cared for.

She’s been at the Zearing care center for five years. “This is my family, too.

Family is about the people we hold dear to us.”

The biggest challenge and hardship of being a single parent, she admits, has been time — she not always had enough time to be there for all of their events, because she was working two jobs to bring in enough money for the family’s needs. But there were important lessons in that.

Taking her older kids, for example, “they understood the sacrifice” and they learned to work together. “My kids and I are a team. We’d sit down and I’d say, we have this much money, these are our bills that need to be paid, and these are the other needs. We worked out what we could afford together.” They also learned, she added, “that it takes hard work to earn things.”

The reason Catherwood feels she can say she’s been a successful parent is seeing how her kids, especially the older ones, have turned out. “They’re all good workers and are committed to their jobs.” Her son, Xavier, 27, did a tour in the military in Afghanistan and now is driving his own big rig, and putting money into it, hoping to own it some day. Shannon, 25, earned a degree in recreational therapy to work with handicapped and disabled individuals and has just started working at the Zearing Health Center as

motherhood Shown are Kimberly Catherwood’s children in a photo take last year.

They are (from left) Xavier, Lane, Caitlin, Shannon and (in Kimberly’s arms) Imagin.

CONTRIBUTED PHOTO

a CNA. Caitlin, 24, went to college and now works in the marketing department at Isle of Capri, a big hotel, casino business in Waterloo.

She feels her children learned a lot just by watching her dedication to making ends meet. Catherwood worked in a gas station by day and a bar by night for awhile. She worked in a factory for 13 years and did evenings at Wal-Mart for a time. Her kids then watched her work her way through school to earn her nursing degree, and during it all, she said, “the kids did a lot to make things work; they took care of each other.”

Along the way, Catherwood said she’s been thankful for good support around her, and fully believes in the motto, “It takes a village…” She’s thankful to her family members and friends who’ve stepped up to the plate to help her when needed. And she notes that whether you’re a single parent household or a two-parent household, things are never perfect; there’s always times that you are tested, and you are always learning how to be better and instill the important values into your children.

“I don’t think it matters whether you have a partner or not, as long as you teach your kids good values and having respect,” she said. She loves when she hears her oldest son still say, “Yes, ma’am” and “yes, sir” to elders.

Frankly, she loves being a mom and admits she doesn’t know what she’ll do when her youngest leaves home; but, she already has one granddaughter and two step-granddaughters, so those children will be her next generation to “mother.”

“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for any of them,” she said of her family, her kids and her grandkids. What she hopes she’s truly accomplished for her kids, she said, is help them become good people. “I want them to remember where they came from, and who they are inside. I want them to never get too big for their britches or think they’re better than somebody else. And I want them to always work hard for what they want.”

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motherhood

RAISING AVERY…

BY MARLYS BARKER GateHouse Iowa

10 | FACETS | APRIL 2018

Couple shares challenges, joys of raising a child with a disability

A

fter working with a fertility clinic to get pregnant, Melanie and Justin Gross were excited to be expecting twins, and were thinking about all the things that most soon-to-befirst-time parents think about.

“We imagined we would have healthy children…,” Justin said.

But at 34 weeks, the couple was told that one of their twin daughters had stopped growing and it was necessary to have them delivered early.

Addison (Addy) was born completely healthy, but Avery was not. “She had several external anomalies that prompted doctors to do a number of tests and scans,” Justin explained.

While the Grosses have never gotten Melanie and Justin Gross are shown with their 9-year-old daughter Avery, a complete diagnosis on Avery (because who was born with several external anomalies, including microcephaly (small getting that, which would take genetic skull) and several developmental delays. PHOTO BY MARLYS BARKER/GATEtesting, would be costly and wouldn’t HOUSE IOWA change the care she needs), the couple was faced with raising a daughter, now 9 years old, who has have to deal with mom or dad being gone a lot with Avery. I am microcephaly (small skull), along with several other developalways trying to remind myself not to forget how they feel.” mental delays. Avery suffered from intrauterine strokes and Justin said he knows that even though Avery’s siblings love was born with skeletal anomalies that have needed treatment her immensely, they sometimes miss running around and through a number of surgeries. “She has had 10 surgeries so playing with all the other children in the neighborhood more. far,” her father said.

“Avery needs fairly constant supervision, so I feel like sometimes Addison and Drew get left out or we are always asking The complete Gross family now includes, along with the them to watch their sister,” Justin said. He appreciates how 9-year-old twins, a 6-year-old son, Andrew (Drew), and for the flexible his other two children are.

Grosses, the biggest challenges in having one child with disabilities are time and worry.

Worry is the other big challenge in raising Avery. Melanie “Trying to balance the time between Avery and her sibconfides that every day she worries about whether Avery will lings,” Justin admitted, is hard. have a meltdown or if something will happen that causes her Melanie agreed. “It is hard, because obviously Avery needs pain and she won’t be able to tell them that. Even though Avery more of our time and presence. From doctor appointments to speaks, she is not always capable of fully explaining things, weekly therapy appointments, she does require more attention.” like pain. “It’s just the constant worry about what is next,” The couple puts forth great effort to do things with each Melanie said. And from the very beginning, right after Avery of their children, especially making alone time for Addy and was born and they were trying to understand their baby, who Drew. “We also use ChildServe once a month on a Saturday for was disabled, the family adopted a motto of taking things “one respite care,” Melanie said. At ChildServe, which the Grosses day at a time.” can’t say enough good things about, Avery gets to play with her Thinking back to when she was born, Melanie admits that peers for a day, and Melanie and Justin can focus on their other she dealt with feeling “sorry for herself.” But then she’d see two children, who they admit have been champions for their other parents in the NICU at the hospital, not knowing if their sister. child would make it through, and she’d realize “there is always “Both of our kids are Avery’s biggest fans,” Melanie said. someone worse off.”

But she knows their sister’s needs create struggles for them. “I “I think,” Justin said, “that it is only natural to think that think they have more to worry about than typical siblings. They somehow this (having a disabled child) is your fault as a parent,

motherhood and we dealt with some of that early on, but we continue to have great support from our family and friends.” Justin remembers his Grandmother Phyllis telling him, “God gave you Avery for a reason … he never gives us more than we can handle.” Justin said whenever times get tough, “I think back to that conversation and ask God for the strength I need.” Justin said he and his wife rely heavily on their faith.

The Grosses moved to Nevada in July of 2010, when Justin became principal at Nevada High School. He’s now the curriculum director for Nevada and Colo-NESCO schools. When they came to Nevada, the girls were receiving Early Access through the Area Education Agency, and they transitioned out of that at age 3, at which time the family was referred to ChildServe in Ames for Avery.

“The teachers she has had have been fantastic and are always looking for ways to support her and her educational needs,” Melanie said of the ChildServe staff.

Avery also attends school in Nevada, and even though Justin sits in an administrative office, he asks to have no more for Avery than he would for any other child. “I want the best education possible for all kids, regardless of their situation.” Raising Avery, Justin admits, has made him a better and more understanding educator. “I am a huge proponent for personalized learning, largely because all kids have unique talents and gifts that we should all be working to help our students discover and develop. I want our staff to focus on ‘ability awareness…’” for every student.

As an educator, Justin wants for other parents what he’s experiencing as a father. “Avery’s education looks different from most students, and that is OK, because that is what she needs to develop her abilities.”

Like we often see in the movies, when asked if they’ve experienced unwelcome looks, thoughts or actions by others, Melanie answers The advice Justin and Melanie Gross would give to others who give birth to a disabled child: Melanie: It’s going to be hard, but rewarding. It will teach you unconditional love. You will learn to be your child’s biggest advocate. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Justin: All children are gifts from God; love them and embrace the challenges … they will make you and your family stronger. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and accept help when others offer it. A good friend of mine once told me, when people offer you help and you deny them … you are robbing them of the gift of service they are trying to give.

Melanie and Justin Gross talk with their kids during a project time at church. The kids are (from left) Addison, 9, Andrew, 6, and Avery, 9. PHOTO BY MARLYS BARKER/GATEHOUSE IOWA

with an emphatic yes. “It used to happen a lot when Avery was younger. I don’t think it was mean or malicious, but just people being curious,” she said. But, it bothered her at the time, as she’d try to help her children understand that “God makes everyone different.”

“My biggest fear as a parent,” Justin said, “is that people will make fun of Avery, because of how she looks and her actions. Avery wakes up every day and faces the world with challenges that she has been dealt, and to think that some people will make fun of her due to things that are completely outside of her control worries me.

She didn’t get a choice in this, and I just hope that people realize this when they look at people who may look different.”

Justin believes parents have a job to prepare their children for their path, not to create the path. “We talk to our children every day about how to respond to adversity,” he said.

Avery has brought challenges, but she’s also brought incredible joys. “She has made me more patient and compassionate,” Melanie said.

“I love the little achievements (Avery has); for instance, something that she couldn’t do yesterday and then she figures out today. I love that.”

“I feel,” Melanie said, “that all children, special needs or not, are a gift from God. One of my favorite quotes is, ‘Children with special needs aren’t sent to special parents, they make parents special.’”

Justin looks at Avery as a catalyst, and truly believes she is changing the world for the better.

“The smile she brings to people’s faces and the courage that she faces every challenge with inspires me to be better, and I believe it has a

similar effect on others.”

What the Grosses say they want most for Avery is that she have as “near normal” a life as possible and “experience all the joy and love this world has to offer.”

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motherhood

Technology and the shift of the family dynamic

BY GRAYSON SCHMIDT GateHouse Iowa

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or Thomas Patterson, seeing how much the family dynamic has changed in just a few short years with advancement in technology is worrisome, to say the least.

“We’ve created a monster I’m afraid,” Patterson said. “It’s having some enormous impact on anxiety in particular, as well as just the general functioning of families.”

Patterson — a licensed mental health therapist, master social worker and certified alcohol and drug counselor — said that research on the impact of technology on families is constantly trying to keep up with advancements, which can make many family issues difficult to treat.

According to Patterson, he has only been licensed to practice with families for eight years, and even in that amount of time, he said family interactions have changed dramatically from technology.

And Patterson said that identifying specific technological habits that cause harm is also difficult to pin down.

“The research on the is just getting rolling and it doesn’t look good,” Patterson said.

“I’m

afraid it’s a case of ‘the horse is out of the barn’. There’s going to be a period of catch up here.”

According to Patterson, technology — like phones and tablets — have made it accessible for people to interact with others without being physically present, and that subsequently brings a false feeling of “socializing.” Though he said it has become common for adolescents to retreat into their rooms and socially engage via a screen, Patterson said that parents need to understand that even though it may be the “norm” this is not a natural state.

“Although it may function as a sort of stand-in for social involvement, it’s not social involvement in a way that we’ve ever had,” Patterson said. “We weren’t wired for this; we didn’t evolve to socially connect via a screen and words, and that has a lot of implications.”

With advancements in technology, Patterson says comes an increased need for good parenting, in any setting whether a family is together, split, or mixed. Patterson said that

Although it may function as a sort of stand-in for social involvement, it’s not social involvement in a way that we’ve ever had. We weren’t wired for this; we didn’t evolve to socially connect via a screen and words, and that has a lot of implications.

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younger children are naturally eager to adopt whatever surrounds them, which means parents need to be much more careful in how technology is being introduced to them.

As with anything else, Patterson said that technology should be a part of the family in moderation, but with it becoming so prevalent in our everyday lives, he said that is becoming increasingly difficult to do. Though he said he worries about what the future will bring and how it continues to affect families.

He does not believe there is any problem introducing a child to an iPad, but when that becomes a replacement for real interaction, problems tend to arise.

“It’s hard to be engaged in a human relationship while we’re staring at a device. That’s really just the simple reality,” Patterson said. “Although it seems like this technology allows us to be more connected, I think paradoxically we’re seeing evidence that it’s eroding our connections, and that has a lot of trickle-down effect through an individual’s psychology, but certainly also into the family system and how it functions.”

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Five years of fostering: Emily Easton on fostering’s emotional ups and downs If kids are not in T

he Easton home, nestled in North Ames, is buzzing with the sound of an RC truck streaking across the floor and young children laughing and playing on a balmy Friday morning.

But this home is special in the Ames area, as it’s one of the few homes in the city that regularly opens its doors to foster children in need of a roof over their heads for several months.

Emily Easton said she and her husband, Mike, started fostering as part of their Christian faith, pointing out a passage in the Book of James encouraging care for widows and orphans. In the Des Moines service area, there are more than 600 placements among 300 families, she said, meaning demand for foster families is high.

“If kids are not in homes, that means either foster homes are really full or kids are in shelter, and I think kids deserve to be in homes and have a place,” she said.

The family isn’t allowed to disclose the name or any identifying details of their current foster due to confidentiality restrictions. But over the past five years they’ve been licensed, Emily said she’s had children ranging from middle school to toddlers in her home.

The process of getting a foster is surprisingly straightforward after a family gets certification. Emily said a staffer from Four Oaks, a family services agency that has

homes, that means either foster homes are really full or kids are in shelter, and I think kids deserve to be in homes and have a place.

BY DAN MIKA GateHouse Iowa

a state contract to oversee fostering in most of Iowa, calls the family to get their preferences and gives them a list of children in need of a foster.

While most families have a chance to prepare for a new foster beforehand, some fosters get placed because of extreme circumstances.

“When they come in, it depends,” she said. “They can be at the hospital or at the police station, and came you pick them up, like, now? Sometimes, there’s not much of a notice.”

Emily and Mike aren’t newcomers to childcare by any FOSTERING, page 17

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Emily Easton in a children's bedroom in her home.

Easton and her family have fostered for about five years. PHOTO

BY DAN MIKA/GATEHOUSE IOWA 16 | FACETS | APRIL 2018

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Foster care doesn’t happen without some kind of loss or some kind of brokenness. As a foster family, you’re saying yes to that, saying I’m willing to welcome that into my home and you know that’s going to be messy.

FOSTERING continued from page 15

means, as they have four biological children of their own.

Their oldest was two when the family began fostering, Emily said, so her own kids have grown up with fosters coming and going from the house.

She said the first few days have to be low-key for the foster child, as they’re sometimes unsure what they can and can’t do in the home and adjusting to a new school (although Emily said the Ames Community School District has bussed foster children to their previous schools before to minimize changes in their lives.) Instead, they work on getting the child some familiar and favorite foods and settling them into a room.

Sometimes, the biggest challenge is walking the tightrope between the joy of having a new kid in the house against the sometimes tragic situation the foster is finding themselves in.

“That first day is honestly bananas, it’s so overwhelming for them,” she said. “…It’s being aware of that dynamic of being warm and happy to have them, but also being sensitive to the fact that it might be one of the roughest days they’ve ever had and trying to meet their needs that way.”

The Easton family is one of 37 families in Story County that are fostering with Four Oaks. They get support from a Four Oaks caseworker, along with other foster families that go to Cornerstone Church, their preferred church. In there lies a small community of foster families that can lean on each other for emotional support, or a temporary respite from fostering if their own families need a break or are heading out of the state for a period of time.

The goal of fostering is eventually reuniting the foster child with their parents, whether it’s because their parents can’t support them financially, aren’t healthy enough to care for them or are in the midst of legal troubles.

“Foster care doesn’t happen without some kind of loss or some kind of brokenness,” she said. “As a foster family, you’re saying yes to that, saying I’m willing to welcome that into my home and you know that’s going to be messy.”

The temporary nature of fostering puts the Eastons and all foster families in somewhat of a bind: on one hand, they want to love their foster as like they would a child, brother or sister, but as Emily puts it, “at the end of the day, you know they’re not yours.”

Emily said the family tries to view their foster children

as nieces or nephews: they don’t belong to the family, but they are still members of this family. The Eastons often continue to chat with their foster’s biological parents after they get their children back, and often get invited to birthday parties or playdates.

Still, watching a child leave the house after a foster stint causes heartache. Bonds built over months are broken, and when Four Oaks calls with another possible match, the cycle of building a new bond begins anew.

Yet the Eastons will continue to welcome kids into their home because it’s a calling they feel is worthwhile.

“At the end of the day, we decided this is going to be hard, and it is going to hurt, and it is worth it, and we are going to keep doing it,” Emily said.

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Ruth Buckels in her home with a photo of most of her children and some of their friends.

PHOTO BY DAN MIKA/ AMES TRIBUNE 18 | FACETS | APRIL 2018

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Ruth Buckels:

21 kids strong R

uth Buckels is probably the most experienced mom in Story County.

In between her day job serving at-risk youth and a home life that has brimmed with teenage energy for three decades, Buckels, 52, has been a foster, adoptive and biological parent to over 90 teenagers.

Buckels’ journey of motherhood started in 1984, when she began volunteering at YSS while studying at Iowa State. She saw firsthand how the child welfare system worked, and it didn’t work well for children struggling to cope with the rapid shifts of going from one home and one set of parents to another.

“At Rosedale Shelter, that’s what these kids would come back from,” she said. “I volunteered there as a tutor, and they were scared, and I thought, ‘they wouldn’t be scared of me.’”

Buckels and her first husband applied for a fostering license, and they welcomed their first foster when she was just 23 years old. From there, she kept taking placements from Iowa Department of Human Services staff when she had the space, and over time, it added up to about 90 children who’ve lived with her. She even continued to foster after being diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015 (she is now healthy, but expects the cancer to come back later in her life.)

Three decades later, Buckels now claims 21 children: four biological, 15 adoptive and guardianship of two others. They range from as old as 30 with children of their own (Buckels is grandmother to six children,) and from spending their days in middle school to college to their full-time jobs.

In 2008, one child came forward to Buckels asking if she could be adopted. She was 15 when she was first brought to the house and was approaching her 21st birthday. Buckels isn’t keen on drinking, so she asked what else she could give to the daughter for her birthday.

“She looked at me and said, ‘I want to be adopted,’” Buckels recalled. Since then, fifteen

BY DAN MIKA Contributing Writer

other children have asked Buckels to adopt them.

It turns out that adults adopting other adults or foster children is a fairly simple process.

All that’s required is certification that both the adopter and the adoptee have consented to the relationship and a judge’s approval. Doing so grants the usual legal benefits of being in a family, but it also formalizes the bond between a parent and child, even if they aren’t of the same flesh and blood.

ADOPTION, page 20

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motherhood ADOPTION continued from page 19

Buckels also has four biological children of her own. She recalls at various points in her life being criticized for splitting resources from her biological children with her fosters, but she thinks having her kids grow up with fosters instilled a powerful sense of sharing within them. Her kids don’t want to see her stressed, so they do their best to help the new fosters shed their negative habits and focus their energy into positive endeavors.

“That takes a lot of patience, a lot of reminders, but it works,” she said. “My biological kids would tell you because they were raised in a foster home, they’re more tolerant, they’re more loving, they’re more open to people and their experiences.”

• • • Today, Buckels is a program manager with YSS on its fostering and anti-human trafficking efforts (disclosure: the author of this article volunteers with YSS as an in-school youth mentor.) That day job is compounded with running a dog kennel for purebreds and future therapy pets, a Maine Coon cattery and a part-time teaching job at Des Moines Area Community College.

Also, by the way: she has five teenagers in her house as of this article’s publication.

Yet Buckels seemed unfazed by the enormous workload she takes on in her personal and home life. She’s helped out by her husband, who stays at home to manage the animals, and her children are encouraged to be independent.

Her extreme extroversion also completes a big part of the puzzle of what make her tick.

Buckels said she loves coming home to noise and bustle of a busy home. To her, it means her children are busy making something, learning something, doing something to recover from the trauma inherent in being placed in the foster system.

“You get addicted, and I use that word deliberately, addicted to their success,” she said. “When they see they can do it, and they see they have the skills and they no longer have to define themselves as a ‘foster kid’ or a ‘kid nobody wants’ or they had to find a bed or, when that’s no longer part of their self-identification, they start blooming and growing.”

Promoting self-determination is key in the Buckels household, and it manifests in the children living there now. Buckels said one child plans to be an artist, another maybe an engineer, another a rap artist. However, watching those children build belief in themselves is the high Buckels has chased, and achieved, and it’s what has driven her to keep saying yes to DHS when they have a new placement.

Buckels’ fostering days are coming to an end quickly. She said her youngest child right is set to age out of the foster system in about four years, and her goal of serving Iowa’s foster youth for 30 years will be fulfilled.

It won’t be as if Buckels and her husband will find themselves completely alone. Their pack of dogs (nine, as of print) will continue to roam the property and through the house, they have a whole shed of cats to play with and many of their children return to the place they call home, soon with children of their own in tow.

But when asked what she expects from empty-nesting, Buckels took a second to consider what living in a quiet house might be like.

“I don’t know, I never thought about that,” she said. “I’d probably be bored and I’d probably have to get another job, I don’t know.”

Even then, the amount of love given from the Buckels to their children is staggering both in emotional support and in the home they’ve built. There’s a small deck in the field just away from the house. Buckels pointed at that, saying she and her husband built it as a place for their children to have their wedding ceremonies if they wanted to save money.

But the simplest explanation for why Buckels does it? She opted for a metaphor, placing herself as a trainer for athletes preparing to take on the Olympics that is adulthood.

“For me, the competition is in getting them to adulthood and becoming responsible young adults. That’s the joy,” she said. “When it happens, when you see them cross the finish line, and you know you’re launching them into the world well prepared for, that’s that gold medal.”

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Financially preparing for a child

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orget buying a car or house. In purely financial terms, having a child is one of the most expensive things you can do.

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, the average cost of raising a child born in 2015 until they turn 18 in a middle-income home is projected to come in at $233,610. That number doesn’t include however many thousands of dollars parents also contribute to their child’s post-secondary education. But with inflation factored in, that cost comes out to even more: $284,570, enough to buy another house or a Lamborghini.

When it comes to having children, Cynthia Fletcher, a faculty member in the Iowa State University College of Human Sciences who studies economic well being of families, recommends abiding by two basic tenets: saving money when possible and spending it frugally.

“Over an 18-year period, that amount

of money is pretty staggering,” she said of the USDA’s projected cost.

Fletcher added that the expenses for a child vary over their lifetime, but three constants are food, transportation and housing. Childcare can also be a large expense and so can health care, depending on the type of coverage the family has and the child’s health.

The amount of looming costs is enough to make some people wait a little bit before having kids.

“It is true that there is evidence that suggests people are delaying those decisions in part because they want to feel prepared for them financially as well as in many other ways,” Fletcher said.

Prepping for the arrival of a child means following basic financial advice, she said. Build up savings before the kid is born, creating a “buffer” that will come in handy if unexpected medical costs for the child arise or one of the parents loses

their job. Plus, having enough savings is just smart in general.

“We don’t have to be talking about parenthood to acknowledge that one of the most important things families can do is build up an adequate emergency savings fund,” Fletcher said.

To maintain those savings, she also recommends spending frugally, the old “living within your means” adage. That means opting for a cheaper vacation option and finding low-cost educational experiences for the kiddos. Put less stock in material objects.

“Research shows how you achieve satisfaction in life oftentimes is through experiences rather than collecting stuff,” Fletcher said.

If you’re considering having a child and want to know how much it might cost, the USDA might be able to help. Go to cnpp.usda.gov/calculatorintro to use its cost calculator.

BY AUSTIN CANNON GateHouse Iowa

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Community CONTRIBUTED BY GOOD COMPANY

CONTRIBUTED PHOTO

Good Company presents spring concert “May the Circle be Unbroken”

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mes-based women’s choral This season, Good Company marks group Good Company will its 25th anniversary. To celebrate this present its annual spring milestone, the group has invited past concert at 7 p.m. on Sunday, May 13, members — and some new guests at St. Andrews Church in Ames.

— to join them for three surprise Tickets are $12 in numbers. The evening advance from Good Good Company will feature photos Company members or and memorabilia from spring concert $15 at the door. previous seasons and WHEN: 7 p.m.

The spring theme highlight the many Sunday, May 13 this year is “May the people who have parWHERE: St. Andrews ticipated in or contribCircle be Unbroken.” uted to the group over The concert will include Church in Ames works for a variety of COST: Tickets are $12 the years, including musical tastes — with in advance from Good audience members.

Director Steven pieces including Salve Company members, Hoifeldt has led the Regina (Dialogues of the $15 at the door company since its Carmelites) by Francis beginning in 1993.

Poulenc, The Pelican by “What makes Good Company stand Randall Thompson, a setting of the traditional English song Savory, Sage, out is its unique focus on women’s choral music and the talent and Rosemary and Thyme by Donald maturity of its membership,” said Patriquin and For Good, from the Hoifeldt. “We stay fresh by chalBroadway show Wicked, by Stephen lenging ourselves with new material Schwartz.

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and inviting new members into the group — yet we maintain consistency through the quality and musicality of our performances.”

Good Company — an auditioned group of skilled singers who take time from their professional lives to learn and perform challenging music — is one of few adult women’s choral groups in Iowa. Its programs enable the audience to experience the wide and varied repertoire available for women’s choirs. Members are experienced vocalists who enjoy making music in the company of friends. They are excited to share in the beauty of choral music while continuing to learn and grow as individual artists.

Learn more at GoodCompanyEnsemble.org and follow us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/GoodCompanyAWomensChoralEnsemble For more information, contact Betsy Hickok, (515) 450-6787 or betsy.hickok@yahoo.com.

A smoky-sweet dressing takes this black-eyed-pea dish to another level

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ome ingredients seem born to go together. Apples and cheddar. Watermelon and feta. Chocolate and tahini.

I’m not sure what genius first combined oranges and chipotle, but it had to have been in Mexico, soon after Columbus brought oranges to the Americas, since smoked chiles such as chipotle date to the Aztecs. Whoever it was, I applaud them, because the combination of the sweet-andsour orange and the smoky-spicy chipotle is sheer perfection.

I was reminded of all this when I saw a recipe for Black-Eyed Peas With Oranges and Chipotle in Ilene Rosen’s new book, “Saladish” (Artisan, 2018). She pitches it as a twist on the South’s traditional New Year’s dish, but it’s ideal for any time you come across good oranges. She calls for blood oranges, which I’m sure would be beautiful here, but my beloved Cara Cara oranges were available instead, so I grabbed those for their deep-pink flesh.

Navels would be fine, too.

BLACK-EYED PEAS WITH ORANGES AND CHIPOTLE 8 servings (makes about 8 cups), Healthy This salad strikes all the right notes: spicy, sweet, sour and a little earthy.

MAKE AHEAD: The dressing can be refrigerated for 1 week before making the rest of the dish. The cooked beans are best stored in their cooking liquid: refrigerated for 1 week or frozen for 6 months; defrost and drain before using. The prepared dish can be refrigerated for 5 days.

Adapted from “Saladish: A Crunchier, Grainier, Herbier, Heartier, Tastier Way With Vegetables,” by Ilene Rosen (Artisan, 2018).

Ingredients 1 pound dried black-eyed peas, picked over and rinsed (may substitute 6 cups canned, no-salt-added black-eyed peas) 1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus more as needed 4 blood oranges or 3 medium navel or Cara Cara oranges 1 or 2 canned chipotle peppers in adobo, plus 1 tablespoon of the adobo sauce, or more as needed

savor

BY JOE YONAN Contributing Writer

1 tablespoon rice vinegar (seasoned or unseasoned) 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard 2/3 cup sunflower, canola or another neutrally flavored vegetable oil 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, or more as needed 1/2 cup chopped red onion 1/2 cup lightly packed cilantro (leaves and tender stems), plus more for garnish Steps Bring the black-eyed peas to a boil in a large pot of water over high heat. Reduce the heat until the liquid is gently bubbling; cook until they are tender but not mushy, 30 minutes to 1 hour, depending on their age. (It’s hard to know how old dried legumes are, and the older they are, the longer they take to cook.) Add 1 teaspoon of the salt to the water toward the end of the cooking time. Drain thoroughly and transfer to a large bowl. (If you are using canned black-eyed peas, drain and rinse them, transfer them to the bowl and stir in just 1/2 teaspoon of the salt.)

While the peas are cooking, prepare the oranges: Use a Microplane or other fine grater to remove 1 1/2 tablespoons zest. Use a sharp knife to cut all the peel and any white pith off the oranges, then, working over a bowl, cut between the segments (to make supremes), letting them fall into the bowl as you work. Squeeze the juice from the remaining membranes, reserving 1/3 cup.

To make the dressing, combine the orange zest and reserved juice, chipotle (to taste) and adobo, vinegar and mustard in a food processor or in a blender; pulse to incorporate. With the motor running, gradually add the oil, pureeing to form a smooth dressing. Add the black pepper and the remaining 1/2 teaspoon of salt; pulse to incorporate, taste and add more salt, as needed.

Add the red onion, supremed orange segments, all the dressing and 1/2 cup of the cilantro to the bowl with the black-eyed peas and toss to coat evenly. Taste, and add more salt, black pepper and/or adobo, as needed.

Garnish with more cilantro and serve.

Black-Eyed Peas With Oranges and Chipotle.

PHOTO BY DEB LINDSEY/ WASHINGTON POST

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