24 minute read
Minding Your Mindset
Barbara Huson
“Often times, if you don’t deal with your money, your money will deal with you.”
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MINDING YOUR MINDSET
Author Barbara Huson’s Three-Pronged Process to Financial Success
by Janine Goldberg
When your father is the “R” in “H&R Block” and your (first) husband is a successful stockbroker, you aren’t waiting for the proverbial financial bottom to fall out from under you. Meet Barbara Huson whose story of resilience and success will help women everywhere want to dig in their heels, develop a healthy relationship with finances, and become the woman they’ve always dreamed of being. When Huson was growing up, her father told her not to worry about money and so she didn’t. After marrying her first husband, this advice was cemented, and she relied on him to handle their finances. Unfortunately, she learned early on in their marriage that he was a compulsive gambler… “and I stayed married to him for 15 years. I knew he was gambling my money away and I continued to let him manage it because that’s how terrified and intimidated I was about anything financial.” She adds, “I was so terrified that I thought I couldn’t make it on my own, so I stayed with him. The only reason I left wasn’t because of the gambling, it was because he became physically abusive.” Huson recounts that if you don’t deal with your money, your money will deal with you. She received a series of tax bills – totaling over a million dollars. Way over a million dollars. When she took the first $500,000 tax bill to show her father, he told her not to worry about it and so she put the bill in the tax pile and let it be. It was only after she brought the pile to her accountant and his face went white that she realized she was in trouble. Adding insult to injury is the fact that her husband fled the country and her father wouldn’t loan her the money. But crumble she did not. Huson had three young daughters and she realized she had to get financially smart because she was determined not to live on the streets with her children. At the time she was a journalist and
making no more than $20,000/year. Her attorneys negotiated down the tax bill and she sold everything in her Trust, minus a couple of properties. Although she’d have to live frugally, she marched on. With a new reality looking at her dead on, Huson rolled up her sleeves, committed to getting financially smart, and prayed. She was then hired out of the blue for a freelance writing project to interview women who were smart with money. From there, Huson says: “I’m telling you, talking to those women changed my life. I not only got smart about money (and that was in the early 90s) but I wrote my first book, which came out in 1997 and is still selling today. I’m very proud of it. I got smart and now seven books later, I’m a financial coach.”
Sounds simple when it’s condensed into a short profile, right? And you think it must have been her work ethic that got her to her successful self today. Wrong. “It wasn’t the work ethic for me – and this is important. You have to think differently – what I realized is that financial success is a 3pronged process.” The outer work, she explains is “reading the books and going to classes and understanding the difference between a stock and a bond and how to negotiate a deal.” The inner work involves “exploring my attitudes and beliefs and decisions about making money.” And finally, the higher work is “the spiritual aspect and that played a big part for me. I really believe that GOD put us all on this earth for a purpose and we can’t possibly pursue our purpose if we’re struggling to make ends meet financially, if we’re financially insecure.”
As she worked the 3-pronged process, she recounts that she was a little panicky “I was sailing along doing these interviews, working on a book and feeling much better and all of a sudden I hit this wall,” she says, “and my eyes starting glazing over and I realized I was saboutaging myself.” She made an appointment with a therapist and told him: “I gotta get smart. I gotta get my money act together. You’ve got to help me.” This was the turning point for her as she began to realize that “there was a part of me that thought my parents would be furious if I took charge and there was a bigger part that thought if I took charge I’d lose everything – that I’m too stupid and I’d rather have my husband do that than me and there was a bigger part that thought if I became financially successful then a man wouldn’t love me. It was only by working on those parts of myself that that’s when things started changing.” Huson recognized that she wanted to do something in the world to use her
experience to really help women with finances.
In 2015 Huson wiped the slate clean, cancelled her workshops and through journaling, meditation, and prayer she realized she still wanted to help women with their finances but needed to do it in a less traditional way. After reading an article on Neuroscience, she was hooked. Through her extensive research on the subject, Huson realized this was the missing link. She gradually took all the elements she’s most passionate about: spirituality, psychology, and neuroscience and their role in transforming women’s relationship to money. Fast forward to 2022, based on the number of women going to college and becoming CEO’s at blue chip companies, you’d think women are taking charge of their finances. Wrong. “Study after study shows that women are not doing nearly enough to protect themselves financially,” says Huson. She adds that, “The latest Fidelity study, like so many other studies, prove that the #1 reason women aren’t protecting themselves financially is that they lack confidence.” “Women’s issues with money have nothing to do with money,” she says. “It is our fear of or ambivalence toward power. It’s not the money that gives us power, it’s who we have to become to attract, sustain, and grow our wealth.” Huson adds that too many women are waiting to be rescued, but not necessarily by a man. It could be an inheritance, the lottery or just an amorphous something – a type of magical thinking. Based on this information, what advice would Huson give to women going through a divorce to get control of their finances? “Get a pit bull of a lawyer to represent you – even if you’re in mediation because you’re not thinking straight. I’ve been through two divorces, and I have a great husband. My second one was very different because I got a great lawyer and I was very clear about what my boundaries were.” With all she’s accomplished as author of seven financial books, individual and group wealth coach, webinar host, contributor to national media outlets, coaching millions of women, and raising three daughters, Huson shows no signs of slowing down. “I love what I do. It is the deep connection with the people I get to coach individually or with the women I get to coach in a group. It feeds my soul. I’m 73 years old and I don’t see myself retiring anytime soon.” O
Barbara Huson www.barbara-huson.com
HUSON’S WORK WITH CLIENTS ENCOMPASSES
Outer Work of Wealth: Understanding the practical steps of financial success and wealth building.
Inner Work of Wealth: Exploring your attitudes, decisions and beliefs that are holding you back.
Higher Work of Wealth: Using money to make a difference to do what you’re put on this planet to do.
Deeper Work of Wealth: Traning the mind to reprogram your brain for wealth and well-being.
The Benefits of Traveling Alone, Mid-Divorce
By Monique Reidy
WHILE TRAVELING WITH FRIENDS OR A ROMANTIC COMPANION CAN BE FUN, TRAVELING ALONE HAS UNIQUE ADVANTAGES, ESPECIALLY WHEN UNDERGOING LIFEALTERING EVENTS, LIKE A DIVORCE. WE ARE SURROUNDED BY NOISE AND DEMANDS AND GETTING AWAY ALONE ALLOWS US TO SEPARATE FROM OUR NORMAL ROUTINE AND FAMILIAR ENVIRONMENT, WHICH CAN OFTEN CLEAR OUR HEAD AND PROVIDE US WITH A FRESH PERSPECTIVE. THERE ARE FIVE SIG-
NIFICANT BENEFITS TO SETTING TIME ASIDE TO GET AWAY ALONE.
1/ Adopt a New Mindset
Stepping away from the familiar helps us self-reflect and determine if there are any attitudes or opinions we’ve held that aren’t positively serving us. We can determine to begin thinking clearly and make positive pivots in our lifestyles that will be more beneficial to us in the long run. Writing down an action plan is vital and can help propel us to be more committed and consistent in following through.
2/ Diffuse Toxic Emotions
It’s not unusual to feel angry, bitter or even hateful, especially at the beginning of a marriage dissolution. And if the separation happened because of a spouse’s
infidelity the negative feelings can be intense and often disruptive. We can’t ignore those emotions. They need to be acknowledged and worked through, whether alone or with a divorce coach. But it’s important to remember that those negative feelings are not hurting your former partner, they’re just terrorizing you. They may not go away instantly, but if you can decide to at least begin working through them, you’ll be one step closer to a healthier mindset.
3/ Meet New People
We may have good friends and family with whom we feel comfortable. But unaccompanied by
others in a restaurant, support group or at an event can make us more approachable. We often meet people who are going through similar situations as we are and can gain new perspectives from those we meet. We can make new friends and have an opportunity to flex our social muscles.
4/ Feel Empowered
Eating alone at a restaurant, taking a new fitness class in a new town, or simply planning a solo getaway and enjoying every minute of it can help us feel productive. We can learn to speak to ourselves in positive terms, acknowledge our strengths and begin learning to rise above the negative noise. When we try something new and realize we can do it well, our selfesteem gets a boost.
5/ Escape Your Comfort Zone
Simply engaging in a new and unfamiliar situation gets us out of our personal hideout and helps us feel more confident. We grow when we try new experiences, meet new people and learn to enjoy being with ourselves. We can start by taking baby steps and soon we realize that we are stronger than we once were, which can propel us even further forward.
The first step is to make a plan to make a plan. Decide that your time away will be spent mapping out your future. Make sure you include some recreation but commit to make the purpose of your time away useful and constructive. It will prove to be an invaluable gift you give yourself. O
MONIQUE REIDY is the president and publisher of Elysian Media Group which produces Divorcing Well Magazine, Southern California Life Magazine, weekendescapesmag.com, and thesavvygal.com. Stay connected at @moreidy and @divorcingwellmag.
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The Two Hardest Words The Day I Owned My Part Many years after my own divorce, I felt a sudden prompting to apologize to my ex-husband for my part in our failed marriage. Since the prompting was so powerful, I thought it would be easy to do; that is, until I opened my mouth to say the words, “I’m sorry” and suddenly found the words stuck in my throat.
I could not have anticipated how much pride I was still holding on to — even after all those years. On some level, I must have still thought of myself of a victim. Woe is me.
After I finally managed to spew out the two hardest words in the English language, a miracle happened. The heart of my macho ex-husband broke open, releasing a floodgate of tears. I think he was as shocked as I was when this happened. It was proof positive that grace is the gateway to redemption and humility heals hearts, and not just our own.
We didn’t reconcile, but there was a healing that took place in both off our hearts that day. I can’t think of a better reason to have swallowed my pride and let the light shine through. Hopefully, you’ll find a way, too. – Jenni Keast
ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL: WHEN IT COMES TO STARTING OVER, RELATIONSHIP GURU, JOHN GRAY, SAYS: “DON’T JUST GO THROUGH IT, GROW THROUGH IT.”
– JOHN GRAY John Gray is having a good day — make that a great day. That’s what a great relationship can do for you —well, at least a new great relationship. Itcan make every day feel like heaven. The 70-year-old Gray, touted on Amazon as the “#1 best-selling relationship author of all time,” happily confides that he’s having “the best time of my life” with his newfound love. Finding love again is a relatively recent phenomenon for Gray. In 2018, he lost Bonnie, his wife of 32 years. She was his world. But when that world suddenly went away — cruelly snatched away by cancer — he, like the rest of us who lose some one we love to death or divorce, grieved deeply. Fortunately, the man who many consider to be the Jedi Master of interplanetary relationships (he authored Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus),knew how to grieve well. “Grieving well.” Sounds touchy-feely good. But what does that even mean? And why is it even necessary? Can’t we just move on when we feel like it, on our own timetable and in our own way? “Not exactly,” says Gray. “Even if it’s a self-guided process, it needs to be an intentional one,” he maintains. Be it because of a death or a divorce (Gray has gone through both), grieving well is critical for a host of reasons, not the least of which it makes you better prepared to meet, and hopefully sustain, that next great love of your life. Part of grieving well actually means leaving well, Gray believes. And a good start to that “leaving well” process he says, is to find the good in that person with whom you spent years, perhaps decades, building a life with. Cultivate the belief that they did the best job they could with the tools they had. Then tell them as much. You may not exactly be feelin’ the love towards your ex when you say it, but you may be surprised at the results. But be careful, Gray says. Don’t confuse a step towards healing your heart with the sudden desire to reconcile with your former spouse. The happy ending of the film Parent Trap notwithstanding, the redemptive act of finding good in the person who caused
you pain, doesn’t suddenly make that wrong person, the right person. In other words, don’t try to rewrite the ending of a bad fairy tale in a misguided attempt to make it a “happy ever after” one. That first step you take to heal the rift just means you’ve done your part to walk in love and forgiveness, and you can feel good about that. The second part in leaving well, says Gray, is owning up to your part in the breakup. “The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup, I say a little prayer for you” … and then “I think about what I can learn from my breakup with you to make me a better mate for someone else.” That added twist to the Arthea Franklin classic pop song isn’t a bad prayer to recite when setting yourself on the path to healing — and, ultimately, on
the road to giving and receiving love again. Gray went through a series of selfauthored reflection exercises after divorcing his first wife. He probably didn’t belt out I Say a Little Prayer when he got up every morning (or put on makeup), but he does credit that otherwise painful experience with showing him how to bow out gracefully — even when he was the “wronged party.” (Though according to Gray, using infidelity as a justifiable reason to divorce is just an excuse to end a relationship that really wasn’t working before that transgression.) Male vs. female, testosterone vs. estrogen, and specifically, how much of each of the two chemicals are coursing through our respective biological systems at any given time, is a key theme in each of Gray’s Mars and Venus books. Modern sensibilities to the contrary, he doesn’t minimize the impact of those differences. “Taking the time to understand our gender differences and how those play a role in the breakdown of our marriages, is hugely important,” says Gray in his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, a postdivorce primer that helps men and women navigate the murky world of divorce in a redemptive way. Part of that redemptive process — turning something bad into something good — is resisting the temptation to think of ourselves as victims. Whether it’s due to a misunderstanding of each other’s gender and how we’re innately wired to think or act, or something else altogether, playing the role of a victim after a divorce is never a productive thing. “If we feel like a victim, it’s because we don’t understand how we contributed to the problem,” says Gray. By recognizing our own culpability, it frees me from feeling victimized. It also makes it easier for me to forgive myself.” A lifetime of relationship counseling and authoring umpteen books on the subject has taught Gray that the best way to recognize and own our part of the breakup is to be fully committed to the process of healing. “That’s what the process is for, which is to teach people responsibility,” says Gray. “To help with that, you need to allow yourself to go through all your feelings of hurt — your sorrow, your feelings of guilt, your feelings of anger, your feelings of sadness … the whole gambit. You may experience temporary relief in resisting those feelings, but you’ll be unable to fully let go.” This “resistance to our resistance” takes work, says Gray. Self-reflection isn’t easy, he believes, because we’re so very good at fooling ourselves. Also, while feeling like a victim puts us on the moral high ground, it’s a very wobbly position to be in. A former monk to a famous Yogi during the 70s, Gray would undoubtedly agree that you don’t have to be a religious person to know the truth of Jesus’ words, “Before you take the speck out of someone else’s eye, remove the log from your own.” Thankfully, Gray gives hurting men and women the tools to do this in a way that’s more likely to bring us the results we need to move on and do so more quickly (but not too quickly) than we would without these tools. Grey’s recovery process after his divorce took approximately nine months — not decades, or even years. No matter how much society tries to normalize it, divorce is devastating. “Never before have we experienced our need for love and connection so agonizingly,” says Gray. “We feel that without our spouse’s love, we cannot get what we need to be happy and for our lives to be meaningful. This sense of hopelessness magnifies the pain of our loss a hundred times.” Hence the need to process the pain so we can let go and move on. But beware of that alluring imitation of “letting go”… of cutting the pain off at the pass too soon, warns Grey. “These people believe they have successfully moved on, but they have done so at the cost of closing the door to their hearts,” says Gray. “To avoid feeling their pain, they have moved on too quickly. As a result, they have numbed their ability to fully feel. They carry on unable to feel the love in their hearts. Their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted.” Ouch, no one wants that! Nor would any of us intentionally set out to do that. It just happens — unless we set about making sure it doesn’t. In Part II of this article, you’ll discover Gray’s three critical steps that will help you heal the hurt. He shows you how not to just “go through it, but grow through it” What’s waiting for you on the other side? Hopefully, that next great — and lasting —relationship. And if you’re as lucky at love as John Gray is, it will make you feel positively giddy. O
COMING IN MAY - Part II: What
To Do With A Broken Heart: Three Critical Steps.
For more help read, Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One by John Gray
Learn more about John Gray and access his wealth of relationship resources here, including his newest book, Beyond Mars and Venus, Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex
World. www.marsvenus.com
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