Addressing pet peeves with your partner can ensure relationship success.

Pet peeves- we all have them, but they are different for each of us. For some it may involve getting perturbed when watching someone chew with their mouth open; for others, frustration may occur when laundry is left on the floor. Each of these annoyances carries a different weight, and while we may be more equipped to simply roll with some of them, others may lead to tension and frustration. Some people may have navigated discussions involving pet peeves with roommates in the past, however, others may be dealing with broaching the topic for the first time with their partners.

Consider hypothetical couple Erika and Jason, who have been together for two years and recently moved in together. While Jason is wonderful when it comes to helping with the household responsibilities, he has recently been getting on Erika’s nerves when it comes to hanging on to and forgetting to replace almost finished/completely finished items. For example, a cereal box was left in the kitchen cabinet with only a few pieces of cereal inside. Erika also was forced to fend for herself when only one square of single ply toilet paper was left on the roll in the bathroom. She had brought this issue up once before, and while it let to a temporary (very temporary)

Love Lessons

Marisa T. Cohen, PhD

adjustment, there was no lasting behavior change. She also doesn’t want to be seen as a nag or come off as ungrateful for everything else that Jason contributes to their partnership.

Psychologist Michael Cunningham notes that our emotional reactions help alert us to situations or behaviors that we need to pay closer attention to. For example, getting frustrated by a poor driver draws our attention to their actions, and can help protect us. In this case, Erika’s pet peeve relating to the inability to get rid of almost finished items has made her more vigilant when it comes to finding things around the home that may need to be replaced. Over time, these annoying behaviors (i.e., leaving empty items around) can become extremely frustrating triggers, which can then lead to large scale fights between partners.

To address a pet peeve with your partner in a constructive way, there are several things that can be done:

• Be specific and focus on one behavior at a time.

It is important for Erika to address Jason’s habit of leaving finished items around the house and for her to avoid generalizing.

Erika values Jason’s contributions to the household chores, so saying that he never cleans up, would be an inaccurate statement and would detract from the actual behavior she wants him to change.

• Focus on the problematic behavior by using “I statements”. Erika should avoid attacking Jason’s character, and as such should not say, “You’re such a slob.” Rather, she should share what the problematic behavior is, and why it is upsetting to her. She may say, “When you leave unfinished items in the cabinets or drawers, I am not able to tell what we need more of. This sometimes leaves me in situations in which I run out of what I need.” This helps clarify why the issue Erika finds offensive is problematic.

• Ask your partner if they are willing to work on the behavior and problem solve/create solutions together.

Once Erika knows that Jason

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Celebrating 39 YEARS IN BUSINESS 1984-2023 understands the issue and wants to work on changing his behavior, they can discuss ways to address it. For example, they may decide to leave a sticky pad on the kitchen counter so they can keep a list of items that need to be purchased. Small issues are inevitable, especially when sharing a space with someone; it is how they are addressed that matters.

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