Tri-State Horrorscopes

TRI-STATE

HORRORSCOPES

NO MATTER YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, THINGS AREN'T EXACTLY LOOKING UP THIS MONTH

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)

You will awake in an alternate universe where, as the foreman of the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial, you'll be forced to sit through every excruciating minute of testimony over and over in a Groundhog Day-esque nightmare.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Every penny of your savings will be mistakenly transferred to Bitcoin. And you will not recall the password to the account. (hint: it's not 1-2-3-4 or 4-3-2-1)

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Due to a glitch with your Spotify account, Bobby McFerrin's 1988 a cappella hit "Don't Worry Be Happy" will play 24-7 like a torture scene straight out of Gitmo. You will indeed worry.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

After attending a screening of Top Gun: Maverick, you will return home to find star Tom Cruise maniacally jumping up and down on your couch with irrepressible excitement - until you burst his bubble with a meh review of the movie. He will then suckerslap you a la Will Smith and instruct you to keep his name out of your f-ing mouth.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22)

Going big or going home in the bad decision department, you will insist on getting a face tattoo after a few too many shots during a raucous night out. The following morning, bleary-eyed, you will discover "This Is Us" etched into your forehead upon checking the bathroom mirror. Like every character on the show, you will ball your eyes out.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Someone totally out of your league will reach out to you via social media, send hot pics and shower you with attention daily. Yet they will repeatedly refuse to meet. Undeterred by every red flag imaginable, you will wire them large sums of money and start making long-term relationship plans. You are an idiot.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You will come across a stack of News 4Us in your local grocery store and become transfixed by the explosive Dreamland Fireworks cover. Paging through, you'll declare the June issue a work of genius - until you discover that you're featured in the mug shots section.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Perhaps even worse than something terrible occurring this month, nothing will happen to you - just 30 days of the same old, same old. Brutal.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You will become inexplicably addicted to watching Dr. Phil - hotly anticipating his signature line, "Let me ask you something: How's that workin' for ya?" delivered in his patented Texas drawl. Your work will suffer along with your relationships. Get a grip.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

This is the water sign, right? Ok, get ready for a tsunami of misfortune. Very nonspecific.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Much like the Sagittarius crowd, you will find yourself drawn to News 4U like a moth to a flame, devouring the content with no self-control. Sadly, this lack of control will spill over into other areas of your life. Don't say we didn't warn you.

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)

To come full circle, you will awake to an alternate universe where you are serving as a juror for the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. And you don't like the foreman one bit.