Tri-State Horrorscopes

TRI-STATE

HORRORSCOPES

NO MATTER YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, THINGS AREN'T EXACTLY LOOKING UP THIS MONTH

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)

Even worse than being forced to relive the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial, you'll be legally bound to watch Depp's musical performances front and center or risk imprisonment. Though listening to him sing and play guitar for an hour should be punishment enough.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)

You will accidentally bang your head and, subsequently, find that you can only respond "whatevs" to any and all inquiries. The upside is you won't be that upset about it, because, you know, whatevs.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22)

For reasons that will remain unclear, you will be blamed for both high gas prices and inflation everywhere you go this month. You will be very unpopular.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

You will visit your hairstylist who will somehow mishear "just take a little off the top, please" as "give me the Ed Sheeran." Insult to injury, she'll still expect payment and a generous tip.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22)

The only news feed you'll receive this month will be updates on the life of Chrissy Teigen. Soon you'll be begging for coverage of war, genocide and famine.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Sarcastic bastard that you are, you'll make a wisecrack about the vacuous nature of K-pop in a crowded tri-state restaurant only to realize - much to your horror - that members of the BTS Army happen to be dining locally that night and they won't take kindly to your little attempt at humor. Sayonara.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Perhaps worse than Gemini's fate, you'll be forced to watch a meme of Jimmy Fallon's exaggerated fake-laugh until comedy loses all meaning and there's nothing funny left in this world for you.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Getting updates solely about Chrissy Teigen will seem like a blessing compared to what's in store for you this month: only news about Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson's budding romance. And any Kanye-related drama. Just give up, already.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius means "water carrier" in Latin. You will spend this month carrying a lot of water weight which only seems logical. Otherwise, you're cool.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

While out grocery shopping, you will discover that Ski soda has disappeared from the shelves for good and go into severe shock. Sadly, no one in the store will have an EpiPen handy. RIP.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)

You will awake to an alternate universe where everyone but you is an influencer. And you've got Ed Sheeran's haircut. Wait, that's been taken. Make that Boris Johnson's.

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)

In perhaps the cruelest twist of all, you'll discover that your real mother is Joy Behar from The View - and she wants you to appear as a guest on the show. Run screaming.