When Late Night Thoughts are Bourne

WHEN LATE NIGHT THOUGHTS ARE BOURNE FREDDIE BOURNE With

I’VE BEEN ACTING LIKE A JERK FOR AWHILE

Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve been acting like one for as long as I can remember.

Now, before you start assuming that I will begin to rant some out-of-the-blue, seemingly deep yet misunderstood soliloquy, let me start by prefacing that I’m not looking for anyone to reach out and tell me otherwise. Trust me, I don’t need that. I know what the truth is.

And maybe the term “jerk” may come off just a tad harsh to some, so for the more natural feeling, I’ll say that I haven’t been a good friend or acquaintance. What I’m trying to get at is that I'm starting to understand why I have lost friends over the years. Although I initially thought I simply outgrew them - as my mother assured me would be the case - it’s actually that I just haven’t been a person that even I really want to be around.

A few months ago, it was brought to my attention that my blatant honesty was bringing a lot of people down to the point they would confide in my partner, asking if I was ok. In turn, instead of thanking them for their concerns because they care, I decided to get passive aggressive with them every chance I got: “Why are you talking behind my back? If you were a real friend, you would have told me the truth no matter how nonconfrontational you are.” And yet I still wonder why former friends have abandoned me?

I’ve had to take a hard look at myself lately and come to terms with my tendency for odd bouts of narcissism. I think about how I call people to ask how they’re doing only to spend the majority of the conversation giving them a Wikipedia page’s worth of info about me and my life.

I get obsessed. With myself. And it’s not good. It’s become a problem in terms of actually keeping friends and developing even more meaningful relationships. Yet, I still do it.

I don’t have an excuse for this behavior and I don’t expect the people in my past that I’ve turned off to accept an apology from me. If I were in your shoes dealing with a privileged white kid full of braggadocio, I would also not let him know when I got a new phone number.

To be honest, I pretend to believe the hype about what I’m good at because I hope in turn the belief will actually rub off and I'll be able to back up my supposed confidence. But again, that's no excuse, so to those that I have turned off, I wish you well. And thank you for tolerating me when you didn’t have to.

I’m trying. And I hope one day, we can give our friendship another go.

"I’VE HAD TO TAKE A HARD LOOK AT MYSELF LATELY AND COME TO TERMS WITH MY TENDENCY FOR ODD BOUTS OF NARCISSISM."

PHOTO: EMILY PELSTON