Tri-State Horrorscopes

TRI-STATE

HORRORSCOPES

NO MATTER YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, THINGS AREN'T EXACTLY LOOKING UP THIS MONTH

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)

Totally late to the party, you will try to convince everyone that you're a huge fan of Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill" and always have been. Nice try.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)

You will be offered an obscene amount of money to join the controversial LIV golf tour but then realize you'll have to cozy up to the likes of d-bags Brooks Koepka and Patrick Reed for the next year. Suddenly you'll "find" some spare change under the couch cushions to pay the bills and politely decline. Too late - the Saudis already signed your stupid ass up and now own you.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22)

This month you will once again be blamed for inflation and high gas prices everywhere you go and be even more unpopular. At least you'll be prepared for all the ass-kickings this time.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

You will be forced to eat every meal with Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg and tasked with explaining their strangely marketable chemistry. Good luck with that.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22)

You will wake up in an alternate reality where President Matthew McConaughey presides over the country. At first everything will be alright, alright, alright, but you'll quickly grow tired of his surfer-dude persona and regret not voting for John Travolta.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will wake up in an alternate reality where John Travolta presides over the country. He will repeatedly warn you and your fellow citizens to "watch the hair." Which, considering he's effectively bald, will baffle one and all. In the whole scheme of things, it won't be that bad.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You, too, will wake up in an alternate reality where your svelte boyfriend has morphed into an aging, bare-chested Vladimir Putin on horseback. O, Bohze!! No need to translate.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

The only music you'll be permitted to listen to this month is deep cuts from Toad the Wet Sprocket. You'll quickly discover that, shockingly, their best songs are their singles - and even those aren't much to write home about. Invest in some ear plugs.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Because you're associated with the water sign, you'll create what surely will be the next big thing in over-priced drinks, H2Joe - or water coffee. Totally clever and yet no one will give a crap. H2No, I don't think so.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Because you're such a nerd, every chance you get in conversation, you'll remark, "It all sounds a little fishy to me" in a sly reference to your astrological sign. Grow the F up.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Last month, you awoke to a world where you were the only non-influencer. Fat chance that you're even alive after experiencing something so traumatic so let's just skip ahead to the final sign.

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)

Sadly, you will be unable to keep up with the Kardashians this month and lose the will to live. Frankly, your lazy ass deserves it.