Soul Food

It’s not what you’re eating, it’s what’s eating you.

If you’re a carer who struggles with feelings of frustration, anger, bitterness or guilt, then just know that you’re not alone. In fact, research shows that these negative emotions are more prevalent in today’s family carers than most other people groups.

Why Carers?

Caring for your elderly loved one usually starts between the ages of 40 to 50. At this age, most lives are well established. Some have families of their own, some have thriving careers, a social life, and a regular health regime. It is also generally around that time that they notice their parents developing some health concerns.

There ahead, is the road that’s about to be well-travelled; looking in on their loved one once or twice a week, picking up some groceries on a regular basis, setting up doctor’s appointments, attending those appointments and before they know it, they’ve arrived! They are now their loved one’s pillar upon which they lean.

Now, even the saints among us, who love providing care, often underestimate the incredible disruption caring can cause to a normal way of life. Maintaining healthy and well-balanced relationships with partners, children, employers, friends and so forth can be very demanding. This is where they enter the clash of two worlds, both of which are vying for their time and attention. So, don’t be surprised if a little sense of resentment creeps in. That’s NORMAL!! Let’s look at lovely Heidi. Married to Mark and mother of four. She works full time as a primary school teacher and has the usual handful of friends, hobbies, and social activities. Her father is no longer with them and her mother lives close by. Mum lives on her own and is relatively independent. One day, Mum takes a fall. She rings Heidi to come and help her, which of course, Heidi does. It turns out that her mother is diagnosed with the onset of Multiple Sclerosis, the loss of balance and possible tripping is a side-effect. Consequently, Heidi begins dropping in on her mother more frequently. The frequency escalates when Heidi sees that her Mum’s movements diminish. What began with enjoyable pop-in visits every few days, an hour here and there, soon progresses into a substantial caring role with major responsibility for Heidi. Now, Heidi loves her Mum, but Mark also loves Heidi as do her kids. She values her job but is having to take a great deal of time off. Often, Heidi isn’t home for dinner because her Mum is becoming more demanding of her daughter’s time. She begins to miss her family, her children, her routine, and her time-out. Her work has been supportive, but their grace is starting to wear thin. Before she knows it, she has developed negative emotions about which she feels terribly guilty. Now, does that make Heidi a bad person? Absolutely not!!! But what it does indicate is that she is “overloaded”!! Ring a bell?

Research shows that negative emotions are more prevalent in today’s family carers than most other people groups.