Parenting Pearls

Explaining Loss

By Sara Rayvych, MSEd

Waking up, I discovered a suspicious number of text messages on my phone. I learned early on that many messages at once is often not for the best of reasons. Sadly, it was informing me of the sudden passing of the beloved mother of a close family friend.

In addition to the levaya information was a request for me to set up the shiva house. Naturally, I quickly agreed, grateful to do something practical to assist – despite not knowing what I was supposed to do.

A few quick calls later, and I knew to set out water for washing, cover the mirrors, and prepare the table for the food others would be delivering. Misaskim – the organization we all appreciate exists but never want to need – showed up with all the mourners would required. Before we left, the house was ready for the avelim to walk in after the levaya and immediately begin the difficult process of mourning Bubby Genes.

Besides the difficulties in figuring out how to cover mirrors without damaging the walls (clothespin clips with cobalt plastic tablecloths worked and were easy for aveilim to remove after shiva), I ran into a much thornier issue. As our families are so close, my children knew and loved Bubby Genes. Additionally, my children would definitely be interacting with Bubby Genes’ biological grandchildren and would need to know how to be sensitive to their needs.

What follows is a brief overview and some suggestions when having this difficult conversation with children. The closer the child is to the niftar, the more help in coping the child may require. Additionally, some children are naturally more sensitive than others, and we need to respect those additional needs. No article can fully cover this emotional topic, and parents should avail themselves of the many resources readily available in our community.

You Go First

Before we can help our children, we need to help ourselves. It took me a while to exit my bedroom after hearing the news as I needed time to compose myself. My children would have their own emotional needs, and it would only complicate their healing if I spoke before I was ready. We don’t need to prevent children from seeing any form of sadness or mourning; it’s natural and healthy for children to know their parents grieve, too, but we need to keep a healthy balance. Usually in those first moments of shock we’re not prepared to be emotionally balanced in front of children.

It’s incredibly tempting to run out and scream, “What happened?” but we need to control that urge. If we’re in shock, we can only imagine how our children will feel seeing such an emotionally charged response. Give yourself the time you need and the space to focus on your feelings and immediate needs before being there for your children. We can only give what we have, and we need our own strength to give our children strength.

Use Appropriate Language

Little children, in particular, don’t really understand death and what it means. Using words like “passed away,” “sleeping forever” or “went away for a long time” are both unclear and confusing. Some children may even become fearful from some of these well-intentioned phrases.

It’s best to use simple language that’s accurate. I explained about the burial of the body and the neshama living on. We discussed that the neshama is in a good place but wasn’t coming back (I left out t’chiyas hasmeisim) and that the family was sad because they are going to miss her.

The talk need not be drawn out. The entire discussion with my youngest kids took two to three minutes and that included my youngest son interrupting to ask about chocolate milk. Yes, I answered his question about chocolate milk – and didn’t rebuke the inappropriateness of the question – because that’s how a young mind works. He, too, needs to process the information in a way his mind comprehends. Death can be sad, but it doesn’t need to be fearful to young children.

Older kids will already have a basic understanding of what death means but will still need to be told gently and have an adult’s listening ear. Interestingly, my children all wanted to share with me how much they appreciated that Bubby Genes brought them gum, making sure to buy the particular hechsher our family

uses. Older children are more prepared to have adult-like questions and emotions.

Children learn from our cues and speaking in a calm way gives over more than words. It’s best to not sound dramatic, exaggerated or overly emotional as children will pick up on this and respond similarly.

As frum Jews we can, and should, explain using what we know about the neshama, but we need to recognize that children have limited understanding of such abstract concepts. Someone must have told my son that Hashem is in the sky and no matter how hard I tried, my little guy couldn’t get out of his head an image of the neshama flying in the sky with Hashem. Surprisingly, that image somehow made sense to him.

Be Available

Like most important topics, this may not be a one-and-done conversation, and each child may require their own talk. Assume your child may need to digest the information in small pieces and come back with more questions. You shouldn’t feel the need to have the entire discussion in one sitting – this can take some of the pressure off all parties.

Be prepared to address your child’s questions, concerns, and emotions as they come up. It is comforting for a child to know they can speak with their parents. Try to not downplay or push aside their feelings. Seeing our children hurt can be painful for us, too, but we need to hold ourselves back from telling them “it’s no big deal” in a false attempt to protect them from their feelings.

Particularly when one person permanently leaves your child, they need to know others are still there. Your child may need extra time with loved ones and reassurance that you and other close family and friends are still available.

If you see your child is having a difficult time coping with the news, you will want to speak to a professional and ensure your child gets the help they need. Any changes in your child’s behavior can be a sign of distress and should be taken seriously.

Always a Teaching Moment

Even – or especially – in times of sadness and grief, we are our children’s greatest teachers. Learning how to experience pain and sadness in an emotionally healthy way is an important life skill. We may wish to protect our children

from all hurt but that’s neither realistic nor healthy for their development.

We have the opportunity to teach them how to interact with others that are in mourning. I gave my children some “do’s and don’ts” about being sensitive with Bubby Genes’ grandchildren. As close as my children felt to her, it doesn’t compare to the feelings her real grandchildren are experiencing.

This is an opportunity to educate children in thinking of others and what they really need. For example, I may not have known how to set up a shiva house, but we do what the mourners need, not just what’s easy for us. As I did the setup, I explained to my daughter how we were trying to do things in a way that best met the mourners’ needs.

This is also a meaningful way to share the halachos of mourning and the hashkafos of aveilus. As we covered mirrors and prepared water for washing, the children were interested in learning why we were doing each step and how it fit in with Jewish thoughts on death and mourning.

Being there for our children in each situation is an important but difficult part of parenting. May Hashem give us the wisdom to continuously guide our children in the right way, and may we soon see the day when this article will no longer be necessary.

This article was written l’ilui nishmas Henna Rivka bas Yaakov Yehuda.

Children learn from our cues and speaking in a calm way gives over more than words.

Sara Rayvych, MSEd, has her master’s in general and special education. She has been homeschooling for over 10 years in Far Rockaway. She can be contacted at RayvychHomeschool@gmail.com.