BBM Magzine Issue 604 by bbmlive.com

CONTENTS ISSUE 604

The Cover

Review

TATE TAKES THE RICKY - 6 Catherine Tate is about to go Hollywood on us, as the frontrunner for the top job on The Off ce.

SCREAM 4 - 18 Unlike that douchebag who reviews f lms for The Age newspaper, BBM won’t spoil the ending in our f rst sentence.

Regulars

Interview

Sport

MICHAEL SHEEN - 12 After playing Tony Blair, it seems Sheen’s new role as an over-thetop villain in Tron: Legacy wasn’t such a stretch.

MUSICAL CHAIRMAN - 80 What happens when football’s money men go bad? Really, really bad? Shamon. BBM lists our top f ve ‘wacko’ owners.

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GOSSIP INTERVIEWS WRAP REVIEWS SOAPS UK NEWS IRISH NEWS WORLD NEWS SYDNEY MELBOURNE PERTH QUEENSLAND RECRUITMENT CLASSIFIEDS HOSTEL LISTINGS CRYSTAL BALLS ASK CRYSTAL JOKES SCOREBOARD SPORT

BBM MANAGING DIRECTOR John McMahon

john.mcmahon@what-media.com

EDITOR Ben Harlum

ben.harlum@what-media.com

SPORTS EDITOR Richard Gadsby

richard.gadsby@what-media.com

UK EDITOR Hannah Shakir

hannah.shakir@what-media.com

CONTRIBUTORS Jeremy Williams, David Mahoney, Deborah Jackson, Maddie Daniels, Alex Berwick, Hannah Beesley, Vanessa Higgins, Lorna Evio, Alexandra McIntyre, Ashley Moore, David Drummond, Sian Gammie, Eleni Pitman, Robin Lewis, James Stapleton, Sinead O’ Shaughnessy, Des Penny and Renee Van Kraanen Photography INTERNS Jaymes Peckham and Allyson Taubenheim HEAD DESIGNER Kylie Howard

design@what-media.com

WEB DEVELOPERS Jess Comber, Luke Webber

ADVERTISING AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Mary Atkin ADVERTISING Joe Smith

joe.smith@what-media.com

Donna Parry Dave Hudson

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GOSSIP

WHAT would the world, or BBM’s Gossip, be like without the batshit crazy Lohans?

TATE SCOTT! THE race to f nd a replacement Michael Scott for the US Off ce continues as Steve Carrell’s exit date approaches. Will Arnett and Will Ferrell will now be competing against Ray Romano, James Spader and our very own Catherine Tate. With Arnett and Ferrell committed to other projects and Romano’s complete inability to play anyone other than himself the gloves are off between Spader and Tate. Our money’s on Tate. We knew it wouldn’t be long before they needed a Pom back in there to help them out. Hollywood’s golden child and Off ce creator Ricky Gervais was rumoured to reprise his role as David Brent for a US audience but these days he prefers to sit at home in his pants tickling chimps and pissing off movie stars. “As long as the cheques keep coming in I don’t care who they pick,” said Gervais as he straightened his tie and looked into the camera.

There’d probably be no need for entertainment channels on TV or celebrity gossip magazines, so luckily they keep failing to function as a normal family unit. Apparently Lindsay’s psychotic, attention-seeking father Michael attempted to break into her home this weekend, and instead of calling the police, Lindsay hid in the closet. People, this is the type of scenario that happens when you have absolutely no normal logic whatsoever. This isn’t an audition for Scream 4, LiLo, this is your warped idea of reality!

LOOKS like Lady Gaga is back to indulging in her favourite past time, re-hashing everything Madonna did in the 80’s. Although we’ll hand it to her, she’s realised that kids these days are too thick to have any knowledge that what they’re being spoon-fed is merely a remade bunch of tripe, and is clearly getting away with it.

WE’VE never been massive fans of Girls Aloud’s music, but we must say we do enjoy perving on them.

After ripping off Madge’s Express Yourself for her single Born This Way, she’s now gone one better and is planning a Christianity-themed music video for her new single Judas in the run up to Easter. Naturally she thought it’d be a good move to portray herself as reformed prossie Mary Magdalen.

Frequently and wholeheartedly.

C’Mon Pope, stick your oar in. We beg you!

SANTA IS COMING TO TOWN WE’RE well aware that the Beckhams are fans of stupid names; Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz, we rest our case. Of course, this is due to David and Posh being complete chavs who happen to have pulled off world domination. But the name they’ve come up with for their soon to be, f rst daughter, is just beyond words.

Of course, we must remember that the band were responsible for giving us the most beautiful chav in the world, Cheryl Cole. However, as her novelty is slowly wearing off, we’d like to replace her as our favourite member with Sarah Harding. The champion caner has decided to spend her 2month honeymoon partying in Ibiza after all, giving BBM an excuse to print the following photo.

You ready for it? Santa. No shit, they actually think that Santa is an acceptable name for a girl (admittedly we agreed that ‘Bookcase’ was more a boy’s name), inspired by Santa Monica during their LA stint. Clearly, the only reason they feel comfortable with giving their kids horrendous names is that they know they won’t get bullied because of who their parents are. We’re gathering that they get Pixie, Peaches and Tigerlily to babysit when they’re in London, so their kids don’t catch on to the fact that their parents have mugged them off.

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GOSSIP TWEETING TWAT TAKES TIME OUT SOMETIMES when people have a really hard life they need time out to relax. That’s why once a month we just put out the previous week’s issue again and hit the pub. Professional Tweeter Justin Bieber has been feeling the strain lately. And who can blame him? It’s not easy being Christian in this modern world. You know, with all the books and science about. After an “incident” with paparazzi in Israel, Biebs has decided he needs to take some down-time from “work.” The little mop-top was so pestered by the paps he had to stay in his hotel room and whine about their “lack of respect in the Holy Land.” He tweeted the news to his pre-school followers writing, “been super frustrated and just need some time to vent and chill. Gonna take a little break from Twitter and enjoy time with my family.” It didn’t last though. He was back on in f ve minutes. “Hated Israel!” he Tweeted. “Fucking Jews.”

NOW it wouldn’t be a gossip section without a Charlie Sheen story would it? And we don’t like to disappoint. Women assure us we regularly do but it’s not something we enjoy. Mr Tiger Blood has been everywhere this week claiming that he’s in talks over his return to Two And A Half Men. Turns out the bi-winner is not in talks of any sort after a letter from his lawyer Marty Singer was leaked to the media. Filthy paparazzi pigs prying into people’s lives. We’ve never stooped to that. We much prefer mediocre journalism. The letter quotes, “As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions regarding his returning to or having any involvement in the series.” Ah well. We rather enjoy watching him make an arse of himself in real life. And his goddesses are a much preferred side-kick over that little fat kid anyway.

GLEE SO EXCITED JUST in case we needed another reason not to watch Glee they’ve now announced they’ll be covering Rebecca Black’s ear-bleed inducing Friday in an upcoming episode. BBM’s favourite song recently surpassed 100 million YouTube views when we entered an experiment to see how long it would take to blow while watching it. Needless to say after four dry days the epileptic f t came f rst and the clip was stuck on repeat.

FORMER babe Catherine Zeta-Jones has come clean and admitted she has entered a mental health facility. Finally the marriage to Grandpa makes sense. According to someone or other she had a brief stay to seek treatment for her bi-polar disorder. Catherine’s rep is blaming husband Michael Douglas’ cancer diagnosis, “After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility.” Bit harsh. Douglas has recently announced he is now free of cancer after successful treatment. “Well, I won’t be getting my hands on that fortune any time soon,” muttered Catherine as she stuck her head in the oven.

BBM is hardly prone to spelling errors, a trait we picked up after our managing director lashed us for every error we printed in our early issues. While that may explain our unique fondness for Chris Brown, it also helps us appreciate the little things in life. Example; Channel [V] misspelling ‘countdown’ onair last week. Which letter do you think they happened to forget? Warning, reader discretion is advised...

The song will be a part of a prom episode and will either be sung by the blonde one, the cripple or someone else. In other news the growing popularity of Sadie B’s Christian version Sunday has got Black worried. “White bitch,” she spat as she pondered which seat to take.

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GOSSIP LADY GAGA’S JAY JAY

IN quite possibly the greatest relationship ever, David Hasslehoff cannot understand a word his new Welsh bird says. He said “We have long conversations because she’s from Wales and I can’t understand her,” while he appeared on the appropriately titled Loose Women last week.

LITERARY genius Lady Gaga is at it again. Just in case we all missed the fact that she’s completely off her trolley she wanted to really spell it out for us.

? SEPARATED AT BIRTH

Although she has always claimed to be a master at the fame game she recently told Harper’s Bazaar that she’s had trouble f tting in in Hollywood.

After the meat dress incident we’re not sure she could even if she tried. Which we suppose is a good thing as she doesn’t seem that keen on f tting in with Hollywood anyway.

And if there’s one suitable magazine for a Lady Gaga interview, it’s one that’s pronounced ‘bizarre’.

“I put my toe in that water, and it was a Kegel-exercise vaginal reaction where I clenched and had to retract immediately.”

“I had all these number-one records. I had sold all these albums. It was sort of this turning point: Do I embrace Hollywood and assimilate to that culture?” she said.

We’ll leave you with that image until next week when we’ve stopped throwing up.

BBM’s extensive research has shown that there’s no worry, as the Welsh accent is exactly as comprehensible as a David Hasslehoff eating cheeseburgers. In case you missed it, the twice-married actor met Hayley Roberts, model / factory worker, while f lming Britain’s Got Talent auditions in Cardiff. “I went down to Wales and I wooed her. It’s so much fun. I am absolutely a romantic.”

We’re assuming the snake she keeps up her twat was suffocated.

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INTERVIEWS The world of Tron is a long way away from 10 Downing St, but we’re sure Michael Sheen is pretty sick of old Mr. Blair these days. BBM caught up with Michael to discuss playing Castor in Tron: Legacy, which is available on DVD and Blu-Ray from April 20. How did you end up in Tron: Legacy? I was told that the f lmmakers were interested in meeting me to discuss my participation. At that point there was a problem, because I was so desperate to be in it that there were absolutely no bargaining chips for my agents to deal with. So I had to, on the one hand, pretend that I was somewhat unsure about this, and on the other hand, all I wanted to do was just dive in. So I went into Disney and Joseph Kosinski, the director, talked about the character, did a whole presentation. I had to pretend that I was unsure—like “Hmm, yeah, it’s okay, maybe, we’ll see, hmm, maybe,” when, in fact, I just wanted to say, “Yes, please.” That was how I f rst got involved. You sound like you’ve seen the f rst Tron many times... I saw the original f lm when I was about 11, I think. My uncle took me to see the f lm in the cinema, and it was just amazing. I remember just sitting there, because it was such a completely different world to enter into. I’d never seen anything like it. Of course, back then, it was right at the beginning of video games, so the whole idea of video and computer games was still very new to me. It was both beautiful and terrifying. So it really worked on me. You’re playing a very different character, what can you tell us about him? He’s a larger-than-life entertainer and a host, someone who is a really colourful character when we meet him. But, also, we should never quite feel certain of whether we can trust him or not. I love the ambiguity, the outrageousness of the character, and yet there’s something very different going on underneath. He has a dubious morality. How about his outf t - once again, very different... We used the David Bowie character, Ziggy Stardust, as a reference point for some of it. The whole look of the world of Tron is very unorganic. It’s very manufactured, and so we needed to f nd something in the look that was quite clinical and pristine. So we developed the whole look based around that. We knew that he would be white, as opposed to the black of other characters, and something like a circus showman, in the centre ring. He looks different from everyone else. The white is very strong, I think. For more with Michael, visit bbmlive.com

SURVIVOR: REDEMPTION ISLAND

STEPH She was loud, a strong competitor and didn’t hold back her thoughts. Her downfall? She aligned with Russell, but at least she outlasted him. I read you were a bit worried when you watched the episodes back? Of course I was worried, I didn’t know what they were going to show since my personality is a bit crazy. I’m pretty happy with what they showed but all my friends said that was how I am in real life. [laughs] You had a great quote in your second last episode asking why they didn’t teach in schools how to get along with people you don’t like. I think that should actually be a subject in school... Me too, I agree! I don’t remember saying it, but it makes sense. In high school my attendance record wasn’t that great, mostly because I was bored in

class, but it’s something you need to learn in life because wherever you go you’ll have to deal with people you don’t get along with. Russell said he never considered voting you out but did you ever think of throwing him under the bus? He says that, but I don’t really believe what he says. Did you try to hold yourself back and not make too much of a scene on the camp? I really feel like I did the complete opposite [laughs]. If I held all my feelings in, I would’ve felt like I was about to self-destruct. I would’ve fallen apart because so many things got on my nerves; the constant complaints about the conditions for example, you signed up for Survivor! I don’t think the conditions were that bad – it didn’t even rain in the day! Survivor: Redemption Island airs Tuesday nights on Go! (Channel 99). For more with Stephanie, as well as our interview with sixth-eliminated Sarita, visit bbmlive.com/survivor.html

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INTERVIEWS inAustralia and is as the biz, Roy Chubby Brown is back After 21 DVDs and 43 years in famous disclaimer, “If the with es com The man whose show brilliant and offensive as ever. icity, swearing and publ t with BBM’s SianGammie abou easily offended, fuck off!” talks rock n roll. the c-wodr on TV? ision in theUK, why can’t you say You’re bannedfrom a lot of telev t have the balls to admit to don’ le peop e Som e. blam to Well, they always like someone good publicity? Well know they say that allpublicity is what they’ve done, but I do. You Brown Found In The bby “Chu e? lin imagine the head that’s a load of bollocks. Canyou wouldn’t be good for business. That !” Dick His On Hand His Middle Of High Street With the boundaries in your comedy? Do you think it’s important to push while and sarcastic. My philosophy is that ul hurtf and l crue been ys alwa d British humour has a dollar for every time I was calle had I If we? are g ghtin f not e we’re laughing at each other, we’r . man rich ry ve a be I’d ard Bast a Fat Pommy regular stand-up to blue humour? Why did you make the switch for they all edians alldoing the same thing and com sand thou When I started out there were nine e home laughing and com Men ads. spre just it Then to do that. wanted to get on telly. I didn’t want were saying,“we’ve had ’re laughing at. So then the women their wives want to know whatthey love it! they can’t we come?” And sex, we’ve done this and that, why Do people still complain even now? fuck off! you don’t like it, get your coat and Yes. But my philosophy is, well if down for your Sydney shows? So we won’t expect any taming s and Rock ‘n’ Roll. I don’t do that Drug Sex, is rial mate my Fuck no. Most of two hours about fuck all. for on it rabb they alternate thing where . teller I’m a joke

^ N W O R B Y B B U H C Y RO ^

4th May: Burswood Theatre, WA 6th May: NIDA, NSW no, VIC 7 May: The Palms at Crown Casi SA 11th May: Norwood Concert Hall, g Arts Centre rmin Perfo d nslan Quee : May 12th

JASON RYDER Jason “Rash” Ryder has a comedy career spanning over 20 years. He’s conquered TV, radio and written two books. Now all he wants is to win Australia’s Next Top Model… Can you tell us about the Sydney show? Yeah, I’m doing it with Trevor Cook and Gary Eck. We’ve all been doing comedy for over 20 years. It’s Australian iconic sort of humour. Why is your nickname Rash? There used to be an ad on television when I was a little kid and it said, “Jason never gets nappy rash cause he used Vasoline Petroleum Jelly. So then everyone called me Nappy Rash. But I guess when you’re 47 it’s not real good to be called Nappy Rash. Is it ever good to be called Nappy Rash? Even Rash is bad enough!

You’ve done TV, radio, you’ve written books. Will you always come back to stand-up? Yeah, you can ask anyone whose done stand-up. Everyone likes to get back to basics. It’s a form of expression. You can say whatever you like! You can beat a live audience. And it’s taken you all over the world hasn’t it? Yeah, I’ve even done shows to tribes in Papua New Guinea! And it was really weird cause they actually got every joke. You know, there’s no use going over there and talking about Mount Druitt. On the plane over, there was just us and some bloke with a pig. So I though well if the plane crashes at least we’ve got a pig to eat! Well I’m sure you f t over there. Well there’s a lot of alcohol so that’s a good start. There’s a lot of rummies so I can blend in… Jason takes it back to basics in his next standup show at Happy Endings Comedy Club on April 16th.

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THE WRAP

WEEKEND WEEKS IN TOTAL BOX EARNINGS RELEASE OFFICE

FILM

LEGENDARY UK comedian and recent off cial Australian permanent resident, Jeff Green, dissects the inner workings of Australian life from an outsider’s view point over four huge nights at the Sydney Comedy Festival. When: May 3rd - 7th Where: Factory Theatre Cost: $29.90

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RIO

SUCKER PUNCH

JUST GO WITH IT

SOURCE CODE

£.8

£3

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£.7

£6

HOP

£.6

£3

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HOP

$21

$68

HANNA

$12

ARTHUR

$12

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

$ IN MILLIONS

THE Rock and Rebuild charity concert will be headlined by international political activist and pop musician, Sir Bob Geldof. 100% of income from ticket sales will be donated to help support communities affected by disasters in Australia, New Zealand and Japan. Where: Lyric Theatre, Star City When: May 1st Cost: $150

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MAY marks the launch of the Bavarian Bier Cafe’s Pure Bier Fest, a monthlong celebration of one of the oldest laws in history which declared that all German beer can only contain hops, malt, yeast and water.

LAST WEEK

SNOOP DOGG

ON THE FLOOR

JENNIFER LOPEZ

PRICE TAG

JESSIE J

JENNIFER LOPEZ

PARTY ROCK ANTHEM

LMFAO

SOMEONE LIKE YOU

ADELE

KATY PERRY

RIHANNA

BLACK EYED PEAS

SWEAT

ON THE FLOOR

E.T.

S&M

JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH

A U S T R A L I A

T H E U K

A M E R I C A

ON BBMLIVE.COM THIS WEEK HEIDI MOTTRAM “This week, we talk to innovative handbag designer, Heidi Mottram, about her newest collection, working with eel skin leather, and her stunning new promo shots of the collection.”

Where: Bavarian Bier Cafe’s in NSW When: Throughout May FOR THE LATEST MUSIC NEWS VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/MUSIC-NEWS NOW! ...YES, RIGHT NOW.

HIGHEST WEEKS IN POSITION RELEASE

MUSIC

COMPETITIONS IRMA Thomas; the Soul Queen of New Orleans, one of Louisiana’s f nest and a wonderful Grammy Award-winning singer from the birthplace of jazz, will play several theatre sideshows in Sydney and Melbourne as part of her highly anticipated musical visit here for Bluesfest 2011. BBM has a double pass to the Sydney and Melbourne shows to give away!

BBM has f ve double passes to give away to see Hugh Cornwell in a city of your choice. Hugh is, of course, The original guitarist, singer and main songwriter in The Stranglers. All you need to do is tell us your most memorable concert memory. Easy! We’ll pick the best and reward them with tickets.

MINISTRY of Paintball have kindly agreed to give away an unlimited number of free VIP Field Entry Passes to all BBM readers.

SATOSHI Tomiie headlines FACT on Easter Thursday at arguably one of Australia’s best nightclubs, Tank.

All entry passes are fully transferable so you can forward them onto anyone, even to people you know in the UK as the passes are valid at over 120 Ministry of Paintball locations there.

Satoshi Tomiie will be joined in the Main Room by FACT’s own Javi Sampol.

TO ENTER ANY OF THESE COMPS, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM 16

Sadly this is one of the last ever events at Tank and one not to be missed.

COMPETITIONS.HTML BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

REVIEWS SCREAM 4 CAST

Neve Campbell Courtney Cox

SPOILER FREE!

DIRECTORRELEASED Wes Craven

(Scream 1, 2, 3)

THE core cast and crew are back for Scream 4, but how could they possibly recreate the magic of the horror franchise of the 90’s? With quite possibly the best horror remake / sequel ever, that’s how. With a hilariously self-aware script, the f lm not only embraces the technology of 2011 but also gives us more jaded and knowledgable characters than ever. It’s Emma Roberts who leads the bunch with an ace performance, although the rest of the (new) pack aren’t far behind. But surely that means the original cast have glorif ed cameos, right? Wrong. Campbell, a scene-stealing Cox and David Arquette are in the centre of the story and (thank god) aren’t just there to ‘pass the torch’ to the new generation.

RATING

Now

In Cinemas (MA15+)

Unlike the (admittedly also awesome) Saw f lms, Scream 4 manages to work not only if you’ve seen the original trilogy one hundred times, but also if you’re a Scream virgin. Oh yes, there will be blood. Sharper than Ghostface’s knife, Scream 4 is the most entertaining f lm of the year (so far). With a smart, witty script and knockout performances all round, the remaining question is whether the original Scream castmembers make it to the f nal reel. We won’t spoil it, but you should probably see the f lm as soon as possible to avoid somebody else spoiling it for you, such as that cockhead Jim Schembri in The Age newspaper last week. Film-spoiling jerk. Ben Harlum

ELBOWLUCINDA WILLIAMS RELEASED

SINGLE

Open Arms

RATING

In Stores & Digitally

FOLLOWING 2008’s Ivor Novellowinning Seldom Seen Kid was always going to be tough, but if anyone can do it, it’s magical Manchester quintet Elbow, who release the lead single from the band’s f fth studio album, Build a Rocket Boys! Starting with Guy Garvey’s

RELEASED

ALBUM Blessed

Now

RATING

Now

In Stores & Digitally

distinctive vocals f oating over a delicate pulsing beat, the song grabs you by the scruff of the neck and hauls you into the chrous.

Having taken the slow road to fame and fortune, Williams is a shining star who proved that perseverance pays off.

It isn’t quite as attention grabbing as One Day Like This but it’s def nitely def nable as a sequel to one of the most enthusiastic songs of recent memory.

Blessed is far from her most political record to date. Though the title track vocalises her thoughts of war, on the whole, the album is an introspective take on love and loss.

Four minutes of uplifting joy, the track f ows and f utters through your mind, a perfect symphonic accompaniment to a sunny day. Robin Lewis

LUCINDA Williams is a lady who needs no introduction. With Blessed marking her tenth studio release since her career started in the late 70s, Williams’ raspy worn vocal has proved inspirational to innumerable female soloists who have launched equally successful careers in her shadow.

Blessed contains some of Williams’ most commercial and accessible material to date, but never loses the essence of what she stands for. A sublime listen. Jeremy Williams

SUPAFEST 2011 ARTISTS

Snoop Dogg Bow Wow Nelly

VENUE

ANZ Stadium, Sydney

DATE

April 9th

RATING ONE of the world’s largest urban music festivals brought, literally, thousands of crazy people to the ANZ Stadium, the artists included. From girls who think they are “old-enough” to those who were much too old, the

have no complaints. But seriously ANZ Stadium, you knew we were all coming, and you knew we would all want beer. Get it together. Oh, and Timbaland didn’t show up. Ass. He didn’t even say why. All of the artists were incredible. crowd brought together all walks They all had great energy and of life for a concert that, I would were really working for their say, was pretty fucking amazing. money (based on the sweatdrenched to dry-clothing ratio Despite the ridiculously long line each artist had at the end of their performance). for beer (we’re talking a nearly two hour wait) in the stadium, I

We all knew the show was going to be memorable when we heard Snoop made it here safe and sound. Remember the problem he had getting into the country last time? His natural appeal to both the hood and Hollywood has kept Snoop in the game, but, no one really knows what keeps his hair so damn slick in those shiny little braids. My only advice? make sure to drink heaps of beer before you enter, or invest in an easily hidden

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SOAPS CORONATION ST. JIM is inconsolable after being denied a bank loan in order to try and buy the pub off Steve (to win back Liz). Things get worse when old pal Kevin also turns him down to invest in The Rovers, following his lottery windfall. He resorts to desperate measures, staging a bank robbery, but it may not quite

EastEnders

go to plan for hot-headed Jim. Elsewhere, Owen learns that Katy wants to drop out of school and later drops a bombshell on Chesney. Maria is shocked when Carla makes a big announcement, and scheming Tracy suspects that Steve will try and snatch Amy from her.

RUNAWAY Whitney is back on the square this week and is f nding it hard to settle back in to normality, after her horrendous sex exploitation ordeal.

Tragedy also strikes this week as Max, while driving Abi to Tanya and Greg’s wedding, swerves to avoid a woman stepping onto the road and collides with a lorry.

Ronnie is shaken when Michael plants a kiss on her, and Greg is absolutely mortif ed when Jane makes a pass at him.

Abi manages to walk away from the accident but it is unclear whether Max will pull through or not.

Yvonne sees Barry and Rachel together, further fuelling her growing speculations. Barry pleads with Yvonne to stop spreading rumours about him, which leads to Yvonne showing some remorse. Denzo is offended when his family question his criminal acumen, but Sash stands up for Denzo, suggesting he should pursue an honest job, as Decco’s tough image fails to impress her. TO READ ALL THE LATEST GOSSIP BEFORE IT HITS THE MAGAZINE, VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/GOSSIP

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HOLLYOAKS +

Emmerdale CAIN is utterly mortif ed this week when he f nds out how young Amy is, and Vall reacts badly when she f nds out that he bedded the youngster and smacks him right in the face.

LYNSEY gets a shock this week when she f nds out that Silas is still living in the village.

continue their steamy affair, but it looks like Gaz is inches away from exposing them.

Cheryl asks Lynsey to get her some diet pills, but psychotic Silas swaps them for sedatives. Cheryl ends up having an accident as the pills kick in, and is rushed to hospital when Lynsey f nds her.

Newcomer Jenny arrives and causes a stir. Rhys is clearly smitten, and divulges all sorts of information to the hot blonde, even discussing Danny Houston’s murder at the club, but upon leaving her he is kidnapped… so what’s the story with this mysterious new girl?

Meanwhile Heidi and Gaz 20

Kelly and Nicola are coming to blows over Jimmy, and Kelly realises that Nicola hasn’t given up her f ght for her husband just yet. Kelly ups her game and plants a kiss on Jimmy to try and win him over.

Alicia eventually confesses to Leyla that she has stolen from her, and Alicia is forced to admit to Andy why Leyla has kicked her out. Meanwhile, Alex f irts with an easily embarrassed Hannah in front of Adam and Andy, and things are looking bad for paraplegic Jackson when he develops a serious chest infection and is rushed to hospital.

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UK NEWS KID-DING AROUND A PISSED-UP goat on a pub crawl wreaked havoc in Surrey this week after being let loose in a bar. After being refused service in three pubs and a Subway, the goat – which was being led around town by two drunk locals – was set free in the Jack Fairman bar in Horley. The farmyard deviant

duly went mental, butting customers and generally causing grief. “They came in and we saw the lead and tried to tell them they couldn’t have a dog in the pub,” said chef Richard Buttifant. “They said ‘it’s not a dog’ – then the goat put its head up over the bar. It was surreal.”

GAME FOR ANYTHING YOU’RE a young lad out on the prowl. You meet a girl, have a few too many drinks together and then come up with the naughty idea of sneaking off to a nearby park for a bit of hanky panky. What’s the harm? Well if it’s 10.15am in the morning and there’s a kids’ football game being played a few yards away, then you’re probably going to attract a bit of attention. “They did a few sexual acts and ended up having sex. It must have been about 10.15am, there were kids out on the pitch here and they all saw it,” said Amanda Napier, whose son was playing for Bridport under-nines. The police were called and a man aged 23, and woman, 20, both from Weymouth, were released without charge due to insuff cient evidence… which we can only assume means he didn’t ‘unleash a screamer’ into her ‘goamouth’ as it were.

DUKE’S A HAZARD BRITAIN’S most famous racist, The Duke of Edinburgh, once dug out a garden at Balmoral with a bulldozer, has built a hang-glider and used to have an early version of a mobile phone in the 1950s, according to a new report from Buckingham Palace. The Palace released a list of 90 facts to mark Philip’s forthcoming 90th birthday on June 10. Unfortunately, the list does not mention if he’s done Queen Elizabeth II up the shitter.

BLINDING SUCCESS YOU’VE got to admire the bravery of blind Brit Steve Thiele, who this week set a new world distance record for an hour’s blindfolded waterskiing off the coast of Anglesey. Water-skiing blind is tough enough, but what really takes guts is doing it in Britain’s turdstrewn waters. Well done sir. And despite being blind since an accident when he was eight, Steve insisted on sticking to the rules – and so used a blindfold. Even braver, however, was the guide dog he had on a lead at the time. The dog’s body has yet to be recovered.

PISS-JUDGED IT’S easy to judge someone’s who’s drunk – but is it easy to judge while drunk? Well Judge Douglas Field tried to solve that conundrum this week by getting absolutely arseholed on his lunchbreak at court and then coming back to pass sentence on an alleged paedophile accused of raping an eight-year-old. The mother of the child wasn’t exactly impressed, especially as he then let the accused off the charges. Apparently the 63-year-old judge also “forgot” about two charges faced by the defendant and put his wig on crooked after getting hammered at a leaving do thrown during a trial in Swindon.

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UK NEWS BRIDE AND PREJUDICE A MALAYSIAN transsexual has been accused of ‘using’ her British husband after dumping him two weeks after her visa arrived. To be fair, if you marry a woman with a cock there’s a good chance she might be a bit deceptive. School caretaker Ian Young said he was devastated after spending £12,000 on winning Fatine, 38, permanent leave to stay in Britain — only for her to leave him. The Derby weirdy, who had to leave three jobs at schools after parents complained about his woman-with-acock-loving lifestyle, admitted he had not treated her as well as he could have done. “In the end he was totally ignoring me. It’s horrible when the man you love treats you like that. I’ve sacrif ced my life because of him,” she whined in a suspiciously deep voice.

LOAD OF BULL FORGET beer, drugs and underage sex – the police in the quiet Hampsh ire town of Whitchurch are clamping down on Red Bull in a bid to curb antisocial behaviour from teenagers. Police have asked the town’s shopkeepers not to sell Red Bull and other high-energy drinks after a mammoth ‘nine’ reports of misbehaviour in March. Jesus, sounds like it’s Mad Max down there. “We have asked shops not to sell Red Bull or other stimulation drinks to under16s on a Friday evening as i t increases hyperactivity,” said a police statement. The local force are now attempting to push through laws allowing them to open fire on any children found scrumping or riding bikes without protective headgear.

UNDER THE HAMMER A WORD of warning for any readers who think they may own a £250,000 rare Chinese vase. If it’s got a tiny chip in it, make sure you get an expert in to f x it. On no account should you do what a woman in Salisbury did this week and try to f x it yourself… with a big hammer. Because, as the unnamed woman in question unfortunately discovered, you could end up accidentally knocking a big chunk out of the vase and reducing its value by around £200,000. “Without the damage it might have been be worth £250,000,” said smug Auction house spokeswoman Clare Durham.

ICE, ICE BABY ICELAND, the supermarket of choice for chavs not the country, came to the rescue of a 16-month-old who had trapped her f nger in a shower plughole this week. Madison Kershaw’s mum was frantic after failing to get the toddler’s hand free using shampoo – but quick-thinking f remen used a pack of cheapo iced-lollies instead. “It was a £1 pack of ice lollies from Iceland which f nally did the trick. The f ref ghters were so good,” said shit mum Natalie.

Think you’re funny and could write stories for BBM? Why not give it a go? We’re always on the look-out for talented contributors. Email us at info@what-media.com 24

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UK NEWS DOGG DAY AFTERNOON

A GREEN-FINGERED (or should that be limp-wristed?) flower enthusiast has been threatened with a £10,000 fine – for reckless planting of daf fodils.

NOBODY took heed when Goldie Lookin Chain warned us that ‘ Guns don’t kill people, rappers do’ on their 2004 album.

Robert Blyth decided to brighten up a grass bank with 13,000 b ulbs spelling out ‘The Boot Group’ – the name of his company.

The navy crew of the HMS Astute nuclear submarine learned this the hard way when sailor Ryan Donovan, 22, opened fire on his superiors after being rejected shore leave, killing a Lieutenant Commander and maiming another.

“We were trying to do something positive. We’ve been inundated with comments about how beautiful they look,” he said while watching The Wizard of Oz and arranging some pot pourri in the bathroom.

Donovan is a fan of rap music and calls himself Reggie Moondogg according to his internet video clip.

A $3MILLION straight-to-DVD film about Prince William and Kate Middleton which was shot in Los Angeles has been branded the “naffest ever made”.

Witnesses described how Seaman Moondogg entered the brig wearing camouflage gear and let off six shots. Nobody thought it suspicious that there was a walking bush on a nuclear sub approaching them with an assault rifle. Luckily the gunman was tackled by visiting cou ncil leader, Royston Smith, who has been quite modest about the incident in his d etailed description of how he saved the crew single handed. Rumours are circling that he is now being trained by Steven Segal for his debut UFC fight.

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IRISH NEWS CANCER CURED DOCTORS in New York were left scratching their heads after spraying some tumourbe-gone on a Cork toddler’s head and – hey presto – curing her of cancer. Tumours on three-year-old Megan Malone’s spine also appear to have been completely cured after she had an “extraordinary response” to specialised treatment in America. Megan was given a less than 20 percent chance of survival in Ireland, where no treatment for her condition is available. “We are in shock and just can’t believe it,” said Megan’s dad John Malone.

SNAP, CRACKLE, KNOBS WHAT’S worse than a knobhead? Two knobheads. And the only thing worse than that is two knobheads that have managed to morph into one giant knobhead, as is the case with Jedward. Not only are the duo hoping to out-do Dustin The Turkey as they represent Ireland in this year’s Eurovision song contest but now we’ll be seeing their ugly mugs in our supermarkets. It’s reported the twins will be the new face (or faces) of Coco-Pops. Why Kelloggs are deciding to replace their hyperactive monkey on speed, Coco, with these two testicles is beyond us. “When you walk into the

A LOAD OF RUBBISH DUBLINERS could be forgiven for thinking that Ireland’s economic woes were about to be solved with the sight of what looks like oil rigs in Dublin Bay. Unfortunately, the rumours are a load of shite as the rigs are actually part of the Ringsend sewage treatment facility.

shops all you will see is our faces and kids will be begging their parents to buy us.” Yeah right. We’d rather have a bowl of faecal matter. What next? Replace the Sugar Puff Monster with Brian McFadden? We doubt people would notice the difference.

What a wonderful world it would be if excrement could power cars and industry. Only then would America not feel the need to invade other countries for its own energy interests as it’s so full of it.

DEATH BECOMES HERD THE Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. And his f ckle lordship was in action again this week, f rst curing one girl from brain-related badness (see above) – then killing a farmer by getting a cow to hoof him in the head. Maurice Foley from Gortnaskehy in Araglin was rushed to Cork University Hospital after being kicked by a suckler heifer but failed to regain conciousness.

HE’S DELTA CRUEL BLOW BRIAN McFadden was reportedly ‘dreading’ his 30th Birthday alone following his split with Delta Goodrem. Don’t worry Brian, it’s only a matter of time before the makers of the Miley Cyrus inf atable doll come out with a Delta version. Or maybe you’d prefer a Kyle Sandilands doll.

STOKES IN A POKE THE parents of Celtic star Anthony Stokes must be so proud. The feeling probably isn’t mutual, though, after his dad was released from custody this week following a garda raid on the family pub which uncovered a handful of bullets, three stun guns and cocaine worth about 500 euros.

Wondering how to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ? Well what better way to spend Easter weekend than at Scruffy Murphy’s with f ve-days of beer-fuelled fun activities from April 21st-25th. 28

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WORLD NEWS APPLE OF THE EYE

A COUPLE are suing American restaurant chain Applebee’s after their toddler was served alcohol in a sippy cup.

they say no one else at the table was drinking. Why? Because teenage parents aren’t allowed to drink in the USA.

The sum? $25,000. These yanks don’t muck around. Apparently the kid started acting strangely after knocking back a few swigs of his favourite apple juice before his parents realised he had actually been given a margarita. The parents are outraged. Especially as

BBM assumes the couple were also sober at the conception of the child. But we’re not here to judge (yes we are). When asked for comment the little boozer said he was very disappointed, “It didn’t taste yum. I like it nicer when Mum salts the rim of my bottle f rst.”

AN ORAL A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AT BAY WHEN BBM is in our f fties we hope we’ve have matured enough to make sensible decisions that ref ect our age. No wait! We’d rather have a dominatrix suck us off while we stab her in the face with botox. Sounds more like it. Dr Tony Walker, 53, has found himself in a bit of a pickle after he did just that. According to Walker his client, 51-yearold grandmother and dominatrix “Mistress J”, turned up for her appointment dressed “like a prostitute.” So naturally he let her

suck him off. Next time she arrived looking “tartish.” So he returned the favour. Fair’s fair. He then found out she was dabbling in a little amateur porn by f lming it all from a camera in her handbag and attempting to blackmail him for £20,000. Now the poor bugger’s medical license is in jeopardy. It’s just like mum always told us. No good can come from fucking a grandma wearing leather.

STUCK ON YOU WHEN BBM forgets their keys we do the sensible thing and sleep on the f oor of the bar. No such luck for 44-year-old Esther Kline who was found stuck in the window of her basement. Oh yeah, she was dead. Husband David Kline was away on business and came home to f nd his fat wife wedged and not breathing. Firef ghters removed the body and she was pronounced dead. Police assume the woman had locked herself out of the house and was trying to f nd a way in. BBM assumes there was a piece of pizza just out of reach on the basement f oor. But, you know, each to their own.

BBM has been pretty drunk before, and naturally we’ve also entered into some highly controversial debates with inanimate objects whilst under the amber nectar inf uence. We must say, however, we’ve not quite got to the point of arguing with a dog. That task has befallen Ryan Stephens (pictured) of Ohio, when he decided to get into a disagreement with a police dog. Apparently Timber the dog was waiting in the car whilst a police off cer investigated a crash. The 25-year-old claimed ‘the dog started it’ when off cers asked why he was barking at the K9 in a patrol car in Cincinnati, Ohio. Police said he appeared ‘highly intoxicated’ at the time. No shit. Off cer Bradley Walker wrote in his incident report that he heard the dog barking uncontrollably inside his patrol car while he was investigating the crash early on Sunday morning. Stephens will be appearing in court shortly, proving Florence Welch wrong when she howled that “the dog days are over”.

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WORLD NEWS IF there’s one things BBM hates more than animal cruelty it’s the sound of a dog barking. Neighbour from hell Richard Zmolek couldn’t agree more. Dogs barking is fucking annoying. That’s why he threatened his neighbours and their dog with a power saw. As you do. The psychopath (pictured) was heard screaming, “Let your dog out. I’m going to cut his head off. I’m going to cut your head off too!”

saw from an extension cord from his garage, so perhaps chasing the dog would be quite diff cult. “Now he knows what it’s like to be tied up on a leash all day,” barked Fido. “I’m totally shitting on his lawn tomorrow after this.”

IF there’s one thing BBM takes very seriously it’s political correctness. That’s why we’d never use the C word unless absolutely necessary. According to a Philadelphia judge we’re now free to say “boobies” whenever we damn well like. Yay! The case ended up in court after two teenage girls got into trouble at school for wearing breast cancer awareness bracelets saying “I heart boobies.” Lezzas. The school claimed that the bracelets, made by The Keep A Breast Foundation, were “a lewd double entendre.”

Apparently the owner had a nasty cough which sounded a bit doggy in the mornings so she had to go too.

BBM despises double entendres. And we always keep a breast.

We’re not quite sure how thoroughly the DIY-advocate thought out this plan.

In our pocket. You know, just in case we meet a girl with only one. We wouldn’t want her to feel bad…

Police report he was running the power

DRIVE THRU FOR A QUICK GETAWAY

WHEN the cops tried to stop BBM on the highway last week we did the right thing and pulled over, jerked off the cop and went on home.

to cooperate. Instead she proceeded to order and pay for her food before driving off again. After a low-speed pursuit she then made another genius move and stopped at a Mobil Gas Station.

Roberta Spen, 64, decided on another strategy when police tried to pull her over for driving with faulty brake lights. In the most American decision of all time she ignored the sirens and pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru.

“Enough is enough”, said the nice policeman as they smashed her window, dragged her out and took her off to jail.

The police then got out of their car and spoke to Spen (pictured), who refused

“There’s no pickle on this cheeseburger!” she screamed.

IF you want to get pumped hard when you’re sent to jail, you really need to think about your choice of crime. Killing a baby will do it. But if you’re a bit squeamish about that part of jail-life, perhaps you would consider robbing a lemonade stand. Run by children. Who are fundraising for a critically ill 2-year-old.

Umbarger were arrested after they robbed a thirteen-year-old girl’s fundraising stall. Chelsea Edwards was busy doing good when Turner stole her takings which were to pay for an operation for her baby cousin. After Turner grabbed the cash, he sped off in a car, leaving his girlfriend stranded. In Turner’s defence he does have something in common with the sick child, who was born missing parts of his brain.

IN a last-ditch attempt to achieve the impossible, a US college is trying to ensure that American students become even stupider. Moravian College is one of several universities trialling a program where students don’t have to take the SAT to be accepted. If students opt out, they can just have an interview instead. Yeah, that’s the same. Then someone important did that classic American thing where they put a lot of words in a sentence but don’t say anything. “Our decision to offer a test-optional policy is consistent with a growing national trend towards test-optional policies and reinforces our belief that high school preparedness is the most important factor in determining academic success,” said Vice President Bernard Story as he blew in a cheerleader’s face.

Yep, that oughta do it. Gage Turner and his girlfriend Amber

In other news, people in real life really do set up lemonade stands.

BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SYDNEY WHAT’S ON

George Clinton ONE of the most important innovators of funk music, legendary George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic are coming to town. George Clinton is one of the most sampled musicians on the planet and has worked alongside Primal Scream, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Snoop Dogg and countless others as collaborator or producer. Known globally for his outlandish costume and his multi-coloured dreadlocks, this gathering of The P-Funk Collective will be looking to “Tear The Roof Off The Sucker.” When: Sunday, April 24th Where: Metro Theatre Cost: $106

Imogen Heap GETTING Having sold out f ve shows in three cities on her last visit to Australia, two-time Grammy-nominated Imogen Heap returns to our shores to bring us her unique brand of f amboyant, genreagnostic semi-pop. The charming chanteuse, known for her work as one half of the musical duo Frou Frou, is welcomed back with open arms, after her last series of shows demonstrated her f awless musicianship and an admirably intricate stage set up. When: Thursday, April 21st Where: State Theatre Cost: $76

WITH eleven recent sold out Australian shows under their belt, the Grammy Award-winning Bone Thugs N Harmony are back with an exciting line-up of gigs, plus the addition of an exclusive all ages show. When: Sunday, April 24th Where: Oxford Arts Factory Cost: From $45

Anthony and Desyn are the two of the few stars who have followed dance music since its birth, but still remain relevant in today’s f ckle electronic world. When: Sunday, April 25th Where: Soho, Kings Cross Cost: From $25

IT’S almost your last chance to see the Annie Leibovitz exhibition as it closes just after Easter.

IT’S the inaugural No Surrender Tour, featuring two of the most exciting heavy acts in Oh Sleeper and The Chariot.

At the heart of the exhibition are images which record the personal moments from Leibovitz’s life, including births, deaths, reunions and vacations. It also features portraits of well-known f gures, including actors Brad Pitt, Demi Moore and Nicole Kidman.

From playing stages across the globe with the likes of Underoath, Bring Me The Horizon and Every Time I Die, it is evident that Oh Sleeper are masters of their art. Joining the bill are The Chariot, who will be bringing their intense live shows to Australia for the f rst time.

Where: Museum of Contemporary Art Cost: $30

GOLDEN Cage is back this Easter Sunday, hosting two enduring legends of dance music, Desyn Masiello & Anthony Pappa, f ttingly at the enduring Sydney venue Soho.

When: Saturday, April 23rd Where: The Gaelic Cost: $21

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MELBOURNE NEWS COUGH DROPPED A MELBOURNE meat packer says he was sacked after being caught sucking on a cough sweet while on the job. Denis Veal’s employer, Swifts meat processing factory in Brooklyn, said he was given his marching orders due to a state policy - and that it was not a cough sweet he was sucking on. BBM wonders if the man was sucking on a piece of meat in the factory, you know, another man’s meat. If that was the case, Denis can’t be f red just for being a homosexual, can he? Denis also claims he is being f red for a previous incident in which his foot was crushed by a forklift. He says after his foot was crushed his employer tried to send him to the boning department, which was located on the second f oor. With a name like ‘the boning department’ BBM thinks the employer was just trying to get ‘meat packer’ Denis where he wanted to be. Maybe he should apply for a job at a corn shucking factory instead.

DIRTY DOGS TWO Melbourne sisters were greeted by dingoes thanks to the Magic Moment’s program run by Zoos Victoria. Mia and Layla f gured the dingoes, based in an enclosure at Healesville, would run back into their caves when they came close but instead the dogs allowed the girls to touch them. BBM is not surprised at all. That’s how predators work, they lure you in, and then boom goes the dynamite, they attack you and enjoy you for dinner. How stupid could these kids’ parents be? Why not bring them to the lion cages next, BBM is sure the big cats would love a cuddle too.

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MELBOURNE WHATâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON

FED SQUARE will host an outdoor benef t concert, with proceeds going to the 2011 Red Cross New Zealand Earthquake Appeal. The nutritional needs of all punters will be catered for with an abundance of local food and market stalls along with licensed bar facilities. When: Sunday, April 24th Where: Birrarung Marr Cost: $30

EMERY are set to return to Australia on their f rst headlining tour. No strangers to our shores, having supported Story Of The Year, Underoath and most recently playing Soundwave, this will be the f rst opportunity for the band to play a full set. When: Friday, April 22nd Where: Corner Hotel Cost: $33

ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S the return of Detroit funk master Omar S, Germany minimal heavyweight Robert Babicz and Scuba for the f rst time. When: Thursday, April 21st Where: Lad Di Da Cost: $30

BORN in Russia and eventually settling in Australia, Fantine spent her youth travelling, which has given her music a sense of worldliness. Her style could be described as a fusion of indie and electro soul. When: Wednesday, April 20th Where: Northcote Social Club Cost: $10

RETURNING from LA where they recorded their debut album, and having recently completed their nationwide Fallen Empires tour, Our Last Enemy - are teaming up with fellow Industrial metal trio - Viral Millennium. When: Sunday, April 24 Where: Evelyn Hotel

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MELBOURNE

COMEDY FESTIVAL REVIEWS BY SIAN GAMMIE

STEPHEN K AMOS SHOW DATES

RATING

Until April 24th

WHILE some comedians just talk shit for two hours (and I’m not bagging that), it’s nice to see such a well structured and immaculately thought-out stand up gig. Stephen K Amos’ aptly titled new show is as sharp as his suit and tie. And although there’s jokes that are clearly practiced, there’s no doubt you’d get a different show each night. Amos makes audience improv seem effortless and the crowd eat it up. It’s a skill that a lot of comedians only dream of mastering. And, if none of this impresses you, he’ll make you imagine your parents fucking and then call you a perve for it.

JON BENNETT SHOW DATES

RATING

Until April 23rd

YOU know that feeling when all your real friends go to the bar and you get stuck talking to someone you don’t really know? And how it’s even worse when it’s one of those self-loving vanilla babies who’s so sheltered they think that wearing a tie makes them crazy and interesting? That’s what it’s like watching Jon Bennett do stand-up. Such a shame because the concept has so much potential. Who wouldn’t want to look at photos of a little hairy man pretending famous landmarks are his cock? I’d just rather look at them on facebook and not as part of a slideshow disguised as a comedy gig. Keep it in front of the mirror next time. Then at least one person will laugh.

SHAGGERS SHOW DATES

RATING

Until April 23rd

IT’S known as the best late-night comedy show for a reason. It’s fucking awesome. Well, they talk about shagging. And make you laugh. So that’s a good start for BBM readers. Nik Coppin is the perfect emcee: hilarious, generous and enthusiastic. But not in a Bindi Irwin way. In an encouraging, genuine love of comedy way. Shaggers shows are famous for their revolving door of performers. You’ll get a show-case of the best comedians from the festival - some well and truly established and some new to the scene. But there’s one guarantee - you’ll hear a lot about shagging. Sometimes to the point where a little vomit comes up. Often when you get the joke hours later.

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3>11:4;A?1 backpacker MELBOURNE .com.au

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4am start, worth it!

Where we stayed, amazing!

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Level 6, 228 Flinders Lane, Melbourne, VIC 3000

FREECALL: 1800 249 207 T +61 (0)3 9639 6400 F +61 (0)3 9639 6900 E greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au

AWARDED â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;BEST BACKPACKER ACCOMMODATIONâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

Bragging Rights

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PERTH WHAT’S ON

DENMARK’S creepiest death rockers, HorrorPops, are bringing their carnival-esque rockabilly punk back to Australia for a string of shows that will be sure to send shivers up your spine.

YOU’LL be Climbing Walls if you miss the chance to see Strange Talk on their f rst ever headlining tour this month. When: Thursday, April 21st Where: Curtin University Tavern

When: Thursday, April 21st Where: The Capitol Cost: $46

THE Easter bunny bounces into Fremantle with an evening choc full of stellar acts Dirty Laundry, Miami Horror and The Immigrant. After three sell outs in a row you might want to get down to the Easter celebrations early. When: Thursday, April 21st Where: Metropolis Cost: $34

FLY BY NIGHTCLUB 1 Holdsworth Street, Fremantle

ROSIE O’GRADY’S 205 James Street, Northbridge

ROSEMOUNT 459 Fitzgerald Street, North Perth

DURTY NELLY’S 397 Murray Street, Perth

THE NEWPORT HOTEL 2 South Terrace, Fremantle

MURPHY’S IRISH PUB 43 Mandurah Terrace, Perth

ELEPHANT & WHEELBARROW 55 Lake Street, Northbridge

THE SHED 69/71 Aberdeen Street, Northbridge

HOTEL ROTTNEST 1 Bedford Avenue, Rottnest Island

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QUEENSLAND WHAT’S ON

Mark Farina

Easterfest EXPERIENCE Easter with a difference at Easterfest - Australia’s largest drug and alcohol free festival.

ALWAYS on his game when he ventures down under, Mark Farina has returned for a club tour over the Easter long weekend.

It’s a long-weekend jam packed with some of the best musicians the world has to offer including a heap of amazing talent that is Aussie born & bred.

The Chicago native has never slowed down on the tour circuit, keeping his unique brand of chunky, bumping house alive. Whether it’s a set of laidback R&B, hip hop and rare gems or a straight-up sweaty club session, Farina is a true DJ’s DJ. When: Saturday, April 23rd Where: Alhambra Lounge, Brisbane

This three-day music festival attracts tens of thousands of visitors to Toowoomba’s CBD each year, injecting energy and life into a city previously deserted at Easter by local residents heading towards the coast. When: April 22 - 24th Where: Toowoomba Cost: From $55

LAST year, As Tall As Lions announced they would be calling it a day after ten years. They are now set to visit Australia one last time to say goodbye to fans who have embraced them on their previous Australian tours.

YOU’RE always in for something special with Toots and The Maytals light up their unique, original combination of gospel, ska, soul, reggae and rock. When: Saturday, April 16th Where: Tanks Arts Centre, Edge Hill Cost: $60

When: Saturday, April 23rd Where: Coolangatta Hotel Cost: $25

FOR for the recently converted and dedicated fans alike, Children Collide will take off to play some truly delectable headline shows in support of the new single, Arrows.

ELECTRIC Playground are holding a DJ battle until the stroke of midnight. Each DJ gets 60 minutes to perform their magic and razzle & dazzle.

When: Wednesday, April 20th Where: The Zoo Cost: $29

FROG N TOAD BAR HOP EVERY WED & FRI NIGHT

When: Thursday, April 21st Where: Electric Playground

Heading to Cairns and want to save $$ If you are - you’d be crazy not to check out :

MONTHLY FITZROY ISLAND PARTIES

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2 & 4 night hostel / party packages from $55 that include: 2or4 nights accommodation & 2or4 evening meals & free Bar Hop $5 off with this ad VOTED CAIRNS’ BEST NIGHT OUT & $150 worth of VIP Gold Club Card & Party Vouchers 46

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QUEENSLAND EASTER LONG WEEKEND

QUEENSLAND is a notoriously fun state to be in during the Easter Weekend, with the annual tradition of Easterfest and the fastapproaching peak season; the state is absolutely booming with life, and has a myriad of amazing activities to partake in. BBM is here to inform you of some of your options heading into the Easter Long Weekend.

THE HorrorPops are a class act, the vibe at one of their concerts is different than any other you will ever go to. The band still operates with its three original members; Kim on the guitar, Niedermeier on the drums, and Patricia on the double or upright bass while simultaneously providing the vocals. The band have been around since 1996 and are true masters of the genre that is psychobilly. When: Easter Saturday Where: The Hi-Fi Cost: $47+bf

HERE to play their smash hit Hey Mr. President, the Indigo Girls are back in Australia to rock the country from coast-to-coast the same way they did in 2007. The girls have been pioneers for female artists, espeically those who want to get involved in folk rock, for more than a quarter century. Be sure not to miss this performance, as it will be their sole set in Queensland and who knows when they will be back. When: Tuesday, 26th April Where: Concert Hall, QPAC Cost: $90

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ONE half of Good Charlotte’s set of twins will be in the Gold Coast to DJ for one night only on Easter Sunday. Fresh from touring Australian soil with Good Charlotte, Benji will play a New York-style inf uenced set mixed with RnB tunes and commercial house beats - sure to get you in the mood to party. The show is being labeled as exclusive and will truly be a once in a lifetime opportunity. The show will also feature DJ Travis Grech and DJ Ferrini from 7.30pm to midnight. There are only 450 tickets to be sold at a remarkably fair price, what better way to spend your Easter Sunday night than at a rager? When: Easter Sunday Where: Jupiter’s Hotel & Casino Cost: $25

THE Aggrolites are a very dynamic group that is made up of four very talented musicians who mix ska, Motown and punk-rock energy with Jamaican rhythm. With the pending release of their latest album, The Aggrolites are hitting the road in Australia to educate with the thunder and punch of the reggae drums and bass, with the intensity of The Clash and the heart of the Caribbean. Make sure you catch the Aggrolite’s jam session, in which they are set to share the stage with the Rumjacks, Meaniacs and the Kamikazi Thunderkats. Hey, that rhymes! When: Until 12th April Where: The Tuxedo Cat Cost: $15

BOOK WITH US DIRECT, MENTION THIS AD AND

SAVE

$2 PER NIGHT

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BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

m.au packers.co k c a b e is d a r spa www.surfer affected ise NOT ﬂood

Surfers Parad

QUEENSLAND EASTER LONG WEEKEND

AFTER touring nationally with ACDC last year for their Black Ice tour, there was one thing for Calling All Cars to do – keep touring. The band are currently writing material for the follow up to their critically acclaimed 2010 debut album Hold, Hold, Fire and this show will give fans their f rst chance to hear some of the new songs before the band disappear into the studio with Shihad’s Tom Larkin once again taking charge from the producers’ chair. Since the release of their self-titled EP in 2007, Calling All Cars has maintained a steady pace onward and upward. Their tours gave the band a reputation as one of the most exciting young rock acts in Australia and is set to continue this year when they will release the follow up album to Hold, Hold, Fire and get back in that van. When: Easter Saturday Where: Tewantin Noosa RSL Cost: $10

ANTHONY B embodies all that it is spiritual and proactive about Reggae music. He has been steadfast in his mission to represent the poor and oppressed, using sharp lyrics to confront political injustices and bring the issues of the people to the forefront. Over the years, he has collaborated with Bone Crusher, Akon, Wyclef Jean, Snoop Dogg, R. Kelly and Martina, proving himself to be one of Reggae’s most prolif c and engaging artistes and an electrifying performer whose music grips the public social conscience. His captivating, energetic performance style has caused him to be heavily requested for shows in the Caribbean, North America, Europe and Africa, so this is a rare opportunity to see the man in action. When: Easter Sunday Where: The Hi-Fi Cost: $50

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• FREE Evening Meal • FREE Linen • FREE Parking • FREE Gymnasium • FREE Tour Advice • FREE Internet (1hr per guest*)

• FREE Airport pickup • Air-conditioned rooms • Ensuites in EVERY room type • Massive lagoon swimming pool • Great Central City Location! • VIP Discounts for Inhouse Guests throughout the Venue

57 – 89 Grafton Street, Cairns 4870

*Conditions apply: 3 night cap. Excludes Budget 8's & 10 share dorms - valid to 31/10/11

OFF

QUEENSLAND EASTER LONG WEEKEND

TIJUANA Cartel houses Paul George and Carey O’Sullivan (Audio Shaman) as co-producers, guitarists and keyboard players, with Regan Hoskins as MC & Daniel Gonzalez on latin percussion and a growing list of guest artists.

WHILE the band took a while to come into being, once formed British India hit the ground running, gaining managers from their f rst ever gig, who then booked them in to support the Hoodoo Gurus at their second. Check out why this Easter Monday.

When: Easter Friday and Saturday Where: Sol Bar

When: Easter Monday Where: Kings Beach Tavern

DESYN MASIELLO’S professional DJ career began in 1999 with one mix CD. After a few months, the CD had been passed all around the world and ended up on the laps of various promoters and DJ’s. He now runs his own label as well as touring worldwide.

PUT your best Easter Bunny outf t on for the Electric Playground Easter Saturday costume party. All guests who dress up will receive free entry, and beats will be provided by the Electric Playground ATeam: Wahoo, Karma, Murray Brown, Jessie Weyand & Kandiman.

When: Easter Monday Where: Barsoma Lounge

When: Easter Saturday Where: Electric Playground

MINIMUM 3 NITE STAY

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BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

"The epitome of Surfers Paradise... one big bundle of Backpacker Heaven... an emphasis on fun and frivolity and staff that love to party!" Lonely Planet 2008

THE ONLY HOSTEL

ACROSS FROM

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6 Share Dorms All with Ensuites and TV’s FREECALL 1800 678 194 SURF N SUN BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 3323 SURFERS PARADISE BLVD

www.surfnsun–goldcoast.com Mention this ad for $2 off ﬁrst night!

BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H

SUNLOVER

OSTELS

REEF CRUISES

Discover the Real Reef

$130

INTRODUCTORY

SCUBABEDS DIVE DORM

$125 $27

FROM FROM

per person 4 hours of reef fun!

per person

per maxperson 4 ppl

CERTIFIED PRIVATE ROOM SCUBA DIVE FROM FROM

$75 $80

Shortest travel time…longest play time!

twin share

maxperson 2 ppl per

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTravel to the reef on board our air-conditioned Catamaran ËSnorkelling equipment provided ËInformative presentation hosted by our marine naturalist ËOn-board touch tank to experience marine life up close

ËDelicious chef-prepared buffet luncheon featuring fresh seafood, hot dishes, salads and fruit ËGuided coral viewing from our semi-submersible craft and glass-bottom boat

FERNTREE Hostel

Cape Tribulation DORM BEDS FROM

$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM access to Ferntree Rainforest Hostel guests have full the Ferntree Rainforest Lodge facilities THE OYEAH! FACTORS:

ËTwo Swimming Pools ËMini-Fridge in All Rooms ËBBQ Facilities

ËVolleyball Court ËTV Lounge ËTour Booking Service

FROM

$75

twin share

max 2 ppl

ËClose to Food Store and Pharmacy ËShort walk to PK’s Jungle Bar ËCassowary Cafe – Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner FERNTREE RAINFOREST HOSTEL SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES

Free Call:

1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)

Cairns

.COM.AU

Townsville

OCEANS Y OUTH & E CO ADVEN T U RE H

OSTELS

DORM

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$27

FROM FROM

per person

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DOUBLE ROOM PRIVATE ROOM FROM FROM

$75

An island escape on the mainland

max share 2 ppl twin

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËTwo Pristine Pools ËSpa ËFree WiFi

ËBBQ Facilities ËGames Room ËOceans Bar & Grill

twin share (max 2 ppl)

ËEnsuite with Mini-fridge ËTV & DVD Player in the Chill Room ËShopping Centre & Supermarket next door ËTour Booking Service

BAREFOOT LODGE LONG ISLAND

Airlie Beach Hostel DORM BEDS FROM

$27

per person

max 4 ppl

PRIVATE ROOM

Barefoot Lodge guests have full access to the Long Island Resort’s facilities

FROM

$75

THE OYEAH! FACTORS: ËSwim-up Pool Bar and Lap Pool ËAmazing Beach frontage ËSpa ËFish/Bird Feeding

ËGames Room Ë20 kms of Rainforest Walking Tracks ËDaily Activities and Nightly Entertainment ËSnorkelling

ËWatersports (additional charge) ËTour Booking Service ËFan Cooled Rooms ËTennis

Free Call:

1800 075 125 (Calls within Australia)

twin share

max 2 ppl

Cairns

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LONG ISLAND BAREFOOT LODGE

Townsville Airlie Beach

CLUB CROC HOSTEL

RECRUITMENT

BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ATTENTION ELECTRICIANS PIPE LAYERS CARPENTERS PAINTERS

EXCAVATOR OPERATORS LABOURERS PLASTERERS PLUMBERS

REQUIRED URGENTLY REGISTER ON

WWW.ADVANCEDLABOURHIRE.COM.AU OR EMAIL

ADMIN@ADVANCEDLABOURHIRE.COM.AU FOR FURTHER INFO CALL 1300 299 818 JOIN ADVANCED LABOUR HIRE ON FACEBOOK FOR JOB UPDATES.

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To apply for these roles please e-mail your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Sydney Jobs

Apply to tc@freespirit.com.au

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MEDIA SALES CONSULTANT $22 PER HOUR (6 MONTH ROLES)

CLAIMS $22 PER HOUR (3 MONTH ROLES)

Our client is a newly established on-line media agency seeking a number of experienced outbound call consultants to join their small but busy North Sydney media team.

Leading Australian Insurance company requires reliable travelers for contract role;

You will possess; â&#x20AC;˘ Excellent communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ Highly motivated individual â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Friendly personality This is a great role calling an existing client base. Full training provided.

â&#x20AC;˘ Must have Insurance Claims experience, Home & Content preferred â&#x20AC;˘ Strong Microsoft Office and communication skills â&#x20AC;˘ CBD location â&#x20AC;˘ Young and friendly team, nice offices â&#x20AC;˘ $22 plus super â&#x20AC;˘ Start now for 3 months with a view to extend to 6 months

TELESALES CONSULTANTS $21 PER HOUR

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE/RECEIVABLE $24-$26 PER HOUR

Our Client is seeking experienced Telesales Consultantâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s with the following criteria:

Do you have accounts payable/receivable experience?? We have clients in the city seeking candidates for immediate start.

â&#x20AC;˘ Minimum of 6 months call centre experience â&#x20AC;˘ English fluency â&#x20AC;˘ Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity â&#x20AC;˘ Strong experience with an aggressive sales attitude â&#x20AC;˘ Strong customer service skills â&#x20AC;˘ Financial Services Background would be a Bonus

The ideal candidate will; â&#x20AC;˘ Thrive in a busy environment â&#x20AC;˘ High attention to detail â&#x20AC;˘ At least 2 years experience â&#x20AC;˘ Ability to prioritize workload Assignments are up to 6 months paying $24-$26 an hour. To apply for these roles please email your CV to tc@freespirit.com.au

Already have a job and want more money? Call 1300 freespirit to ask us about LAFHA.

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JOB LISTINGS AUSTRALIA THINK YOU’RE FUNNIER THAN US? BBM is looking for some new contributors. Want to get you work published in a National magazine and website whilst earning concert tickets, bar tabs, free travel trips, etc. Email ben. harlum@what-media.com or call 02 8231 7706

MELBOURNE PROMOTIONAL STAFF. call centre work available to promote electricity and gas. simple work and great money. full time training provided - no experience needed. melbourne work only. call Jerry on 03 9867 6322

SYDNEY TELEMARKETERS – SMILE WHILE YOU DIAL! Working Holidaymakers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be enthusiastic, confi dent, well spoken and able to follow instructions. No experience necessary - Full training given. Base + Commission + Bonus Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

Call Centre - Travellers Wanted! Our Client is seeking travellers with fantastic customer service and sale skills for a 6-8 temp assignment. Your role will be generating leads on behalf of a well established global client through warm and cold calling. Paying $22 Plus Super If you think you are right for the role then please send your detailed resume to tc@freespirit.com.au

DATA ENTRY POSITIONS AVAILABLE NOW!

Working Holiday Makers needed for our EASTERN SUBURBS OFFICE. Must be Enthusiastic, have a Good Typing Speed, and able to Follow Instructions. Full Training Given. Paid Weekly. Call Steve Now on 1300 657 362

INDUSTRIOUS RECRUITMENT

is currently looking for casual staff with experience in: Warehousing, Labouring, Stores, Process Work, Green card and safety boots are an advantage – however not essential! Various assignments, short & long term! Email sarah@ industriousrecruitment.com.au or contact Sarah @ (02) 9270 5257

DATA ENTRY OFFICER – TRAVELLERS WELCOME!! Our Client is seeking an experienced Data Entry Offi cer with the following criteria: Minimum of 1 year work experience. English fl uency. Travellers with more than 3 months visa validity. Not on Student Visa. If you believe you are the right candidate for this role please forward your resume through to mailto:tc@freespirit.com.au

MARKETING & ADMIN ASSISTANT, CENTRAL SYDNEY. Sports TV Channel Setanta requires an offi ce all-rounder to sup port the marketing and programming managers and perform general offi ce and admin tasks. Must have good verbal and written communication skills and general computer skills. Interest in sport an advantage. 6 month position @ $18.20 per hour. Email CV and cover letter to setantaoz@setanta.com

Nurses, want an agency that looks after you?

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24/7 is Sydney’s premier nursing agency, supplying staff to public & private hospitals across Sydney & rural Australia t t t t t t

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BBM-604 // JOB LISTINGS

ADULT EMPLOYMENT

KINGS COURT MASSAGE is the best place to learn adult massage. Kings is well organised with tight guidelines (no sex) and the other girls are friendly to work with. You will gain confidence as you learn adult massage and the style of the place makes you look good. You just need to be the girl-next-door. We have an understanding boss and the clients are younger and more polite than other places. Enjoy cash money on a casual basis paid daily from the beginning. Have a look at the web site. It is safe to scan in a cafĂŠ (no porn.) There is a map to guide you to us. Drop in for a chat and we will have one of our ladies show you around. We are along from central railway near the university precinct. Catch a bus to Victoria Park bus stop then look across the road.

Behind each successful woman is-HERSELF!!! Training provided Discreet, Paid daily Flexible hours Foxtel and internet access for staff Friendly Female management Located in the heart of Sydney Earn $150+ per hour

NO SEX

www.sirs.com.au 80 ERSKINE ST. SYDNEY CBD

Female Masseurs Required $115 p/hr Full Training Provided Immediate Start Flexible Shifts Fun & Friendly Girls Team

92997771 (02) 96990055 NIRVANA 400 Cleveland St, Surry Hills www.nirvanasydney.com.au

261 Parramatta Rd Broadway 02 9660 0666 www.kingscourt.com.au

BBM-604 // JOB LISTINGS

GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN!! BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE!! Female Masseurs required $115 p/hr Full training provided Immediate Start Flexible shifts Fun & friendly girls team

(02) 9357 6145 AT MICHELLES

135 Bayswater Rd Rushcutters Bay www.atmichelles.com

JOB LISTINGS

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TRAVELLERS, STUDENTS & LOCALS Several vacancies exist @ our friendly well established full service parlour @ Darling Harbour. We have flexible shifts, caring female management, great pay ($150 p/ hr) and a very safe environment for sexy ladies.Great place for newcomers. Call 02 9660 5942 after 11am for a confidential chat. www.club121.com.au info@club121.com.au

219 Croydon ATTRACTIVE LADIES

WANTED Busy day time parlour Guaranteed big money Flexible shifts Immediate start

Please call or text 0404404742 219 Elizabeth St Croydon

TO ADVERTISE CALL

ON (02) 8231 7701 BBM-604 // JOB LISTINGS

ACCOMMODATION SYDNEY

MELBOURNE Looking for excellent accommodation at the best location in Sydney. The Porterhouse have dorms in the heart of the city. Dorm beds single $40 per night or $180 per week, double rooms $80 per night OR $320 per week. Call 02 9211 4454 for details

Potts Point â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CLOSE TO CITY. Large Studio in garden complex. Close to Kings Cross station. Suitable for a couple. Fully furnished and equipped with everything you need including TV, linen, crockery, microwave etc. $375pw. Call 0425286445

FULLY FURNISHED MODERN APARTMENTS TRENDY ACLAND STREET ST. KILDA Suit singles, couples, 2/4 share. Rooms, Studios, Units. Short to medium term rentals. From $200 to $450 per week. Share from $100 pp weekly. All-inclusive. Well-equipped. Large courtyard, BBQ, security. Close to trams, shops, beach, tourist spots, Luna Park. Call Sunday to Friday 0425 803 276 or 0425 790 566

TO ADVERTISE HERE CALL BBM ON 02 8231 7701

BBM-604 // ACCOMMODATION

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE NEW SOUTH WALES SYDNEY

SYDNEY BACKPACKERS 7 Wilmot St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 02 9267 7772 1800 88 77 66 (Free Call) Fax: 02 9266 0017 www.sydneybackpackers.com CLOVELLY HOTEL 381 Clovelly Road Clovelly office@clovellyhotel.com.au Reservation numbers: (02) 9665 1214 www.clovellyhotel.com.au CRITERION HOTEL 260 Pitt Street Sydney (crn Pitt & Park Streets) Ph: (02) 9264 3093 manager@criterionhotel.net.au www.criterionhotel.net.au WESTEND BACKPACKERS 412 Pitt Street Sydney, NSW, 2000 Freecall: 1800 013 186 Phone: 02 9211 4588 bookings@westendbackpackers.com www.westendbackpackers.com See the CHURCH - Australia’s largest dorm!

JOLLY SWAGMAN BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 27 Orwell Street Kings Cross, NSW 2011 FREE: 1800 805 870 Ph: 93586400 skype: jolly.swagman.backpackers stay@jollyswagman.com.au www.jollyswagman.com.au BONDI BACKPACKERS 110 Campbell Parade Bondi Beach NSW 2026 Ph: (02) 9130 4660 1800 304 660 bookings@bondibackpackers.com.au www.bondibackpackers.com.au THE GLOBE BACKPACKERS 40 Darlingurst Road Kings Cross, Sydney NSW 2011 FREECALL: 1800 806 384 Ph/Fax: (02) 9326 9675 info@globebackpackers.com www.globebackpackers.com CITY RESORT HOSTEL 103-105 Palmer St, Woolloomooloo NSW 2011 Ph: (02) 9357 3333 bookings@cityresort.com.au Skype: City Resort Hostel www.cityresort.com.au Show this ad for $5 off! (Valid for new guests only. Min. 3 nights stay.)

THE GEORGE STREET HOTEL 700A George Street Sydney NSW 2000 Tel: 02 9211 1800 Fax: 02 9212 2884 Freecall: 1800 679 606 (Within Australia) booking@thegeorge.com.au www.thegeorge.com.au BOUNCE SYDNEY 28 Chalmers Street, Sydney 2010 Free call 1800890897 Ph +61 2 9281 2222 book@bouncehotel.com.au www.bouncehotel.com.au LORD WOLSELEY HOTEL 265 Bulwara Rd Ultimo, Sydney 2007 Ph: 02 96001736 www.lordwolseleyhotel.com.au MAZE BACKPACKERS 417 Pitt St Sydney NSW 2000 Ph: 1800 813 522 www.mazebackpackers.com

PORTERHOUSE HOTEL 233 Riley St Surry Hills NSW 2010 Ph: (02) 92114454 www.Porterhouse.com.au info@porterhouse.com.au Single and double & Dorm rooms available Max 4 bed dorms.

BIG HOSTEL 212 Elizabeth Street, Surry Hills Sydney NSW 2010 Ph: 1800 212 244 02 92816030 Fax: 02-9281-6031 www.bighostel.com reception@bighostel.com HAPPY CHAPPY TRAVELLERS INN 64 Foveaux St, Surry Hills Ph: 02 9211 4945 Fax: 02 9212 6662 www.excelsiorhotel.com info@excelsiorhotel.com.au

SYDNEY CENTRAL HOSTEL

428 Pitt Street Sydney 2000 (02) 9211 7323 Open Daily 8am-11pm www.sydneycentralhostel.com.au

THE ROYAL HOTEL

370 Abercrombie St, Darlington, NSW, 2008 Ph: 02 9698 8557 info@royal.com.au www.royal.com.au

SYDNEY NORTHERN BEACHES SYDNEY BEACHOUSE - YHA 4 Collaroy St, Collaroy, 2097 Ph: +61 2 9981 1177 Fax: -61 2 9981 1114 www.sydneybeachouse.com.au Guaranteed jobs/work all year. Cheap weekly rates by the beach with free Surfboard, Bodyboard & Bike hire

SYDNEYS SOUTHERN BEACHES CRONULLA BEACH YHA 40 - 42 Kingsway, Cronulla Sydney, 2230 Ph: 02 9527 7772 enquiries@cronullabeachyha.com www.cronullabeachyha.com www.yha.com.au

PORT STEPHENS

MELALEUCA SURFSIDE BACKPACKERS 2 Koala Place, One Mile Beach, NSW 2316 Ph/fax: (61) 2 4981 9422 Mobile: 0427 200 950 www.melaleucabackpackers.com.au melaleucabackpacker@bigpond.com

NEWCASTLE

BACKPACKERS NEWCASTLE 42 & 44 Denison St, Newcastle, NSW, 2303 Freecall: 1800 - 33 34 36 (NSW) Ph: 02 4969 3436 info@backpackersnewcastle.com.au

HUNTER VALLEY HUNTER VALLEY YHA 100 Wine Country Drive Nulkaba, Hunter Valley Ph: 02 4991 3278 huntervalley@yhansw.org.au www.yha.com.au

KATOOMBA

KATOOMBA MOUNTAIN BACKPACKERS LODGE 31 Lurline st Katoomba Ph: 4782 3933 www.katoombabackpackers.com.au/ stay@katoombabackpackers.com.au SPECIAL WINTER DEAL, STAY 2 NIGHTS GET THE 3RD NIGHT FREE!!!!!!

BYRON BAY

AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 16 Lawson Street Byron Bay NSW 2481 T/F Ph: 1800 028 909 Ph; (02) 6685-7663 Fax: (02) 6685-7439 info@aquarius-backpackers.com.au www.aquarius-backpackers.com.au NOMADS BYRON BAY 1 Lawson Lane Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Freecall: 1800 766 673 Phone: 02 6680 7966 bookings@nomadsbyronbay.com nomadshostels.com Newest backpackers in town – not to be missed!

ARTS FACTORY LODGE 1 Skinners Shoot Road Byron Bay, NSW 2481 Ph: 02 6685 7709 info@artsfactory.com.au www.artsfactory.com.au An essential part of your journey

NAMBUCCA HEADS

NAMBUCCA BACKPACKERS Nambucca Backpackers, 2 Pacific Highway, Nambucca Heads, NSW 2448 Ph: (02) 6568-6360 www.nambuccabackpackers.com.au

LAKE TABOURIE

LAKE TABOURIE TOURIST PARK Princes Hwy, Lake Tabourie, NSW 2539 Free call: 1300 559 966 tabourie@shoalhaven.nsw.gov.au www.holidayhaven.com.au/tabourie

QUEENSLAND BRISBANE

TINBILLY TRAVELLERS 466 George St Brisbane City, Qld 4000 www.tinbilly.com Ph: +61 7 3238 5888 Free Call 1800 44 66 46 Free Tinbilly Limited Edition T-shirt With presentation of this BBM Ad THE DECK 117 Harcourt St New Farm Brisbane 0433777061 the_deck@live.com.au Designed with the working Traveler in Mind Minimum 2 week stay BASE QLD BACKPACKERS 308 Edward st Brisbane qld 4000 palace@stayatbase.com www.stayatbase.com Ph: 0732112433 BUNK 11-21 Gipps St Fortitude Valley, Qld, 4006 info@bunkbrisbane.com.au www.bunkbrisbane.com.au Ph: +61 7 3257 3644 Free Call: 1800 682 865

GOLDCOAST SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS 1 Pathfinder Drive, Caloundra Airport, Sunshine Coast Ph: (07)54 370 211 or 04 18 776 775 bookings@sunshinecoastskydivers. com.au www.sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au AQUARIUS BACKPACKERS 44 Queen Street Gold Coast, Queensland Ph: 07 5527 1300 Freecall 1800 229 955 info@aquariusbackpackers.com.au www.aquariusbackpackers.com.au

BACKPACKERS IN PARADISE 40 Peninsular Drive Central Surfers Paradise Queensland, 4217 Ph: 1800 268 621 info@backpackersinparadise.com www.backpackersinparadise.com ISLANDER BACKPACKERS RESORT 6 Beach Road, Surfers Paradise (next to the bus transit centre) Ph: 1800 074 393 www.islander.com.au res@islander.com.au SLEEPING INN SURFERS 26 Peninsular Drive Surfers Paradise 4217, QLD Ph: 07 5592 4455 Fax: 07-5592-5266 www.sleepinginn.com.au info@sleepinginn.com.au GET EXCITED ABOUT WHERE YOU SLEEP! COOLANGATTA SANDS HOSTEL Cnr Griffith & McLean Streets, Coolangatta 4225 Ph: 07 5536 7472 hostel@taphouse.com.au www.taphouse.com.au SURFERS PARADISE BACKPACKERS RESORT 2837 Gold Coast Highway Queensland 4217 Ph: 07 5592 4677 Freecall - 1800 282 800 www.surfersparadisebackpackers.com.au

spbr@bigpond.net.au

NOOSA

NOMADS NOOSA 44 Noosa Drive Noosa Heads, QLD 4567 Phone: 07 5447 3355 bookings@nomadsnoosa.com

HERVEY BAY

NOMADS ESPLANADE 93 The Esplanade Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 175 716 Ph: 07 4031 7477 bookings@nomadsesplanade.com nomadshostels.com Free Breakfast, Free Dinner, and 15 minutes Internet Free

DREAMTIME TRAVELLERS REST 4 Terminus Street (corner of Bunda st.& Terminus st.) Cairns 4870 Queensland Ph:0740316753 info@dreamtimehostel.com www.dreamtimehostel.com GLOBETROTTERS INTERNATIONAL 154-156 Lake st Cairns City 1800 22 55 87 info@globetrottersinternational.com.au www.globetrottersinternational.com.au A GREAT NIGHT SLEEP GUARANTEED NOMADS CAIRNS BEACH HOUSE 239 Sheridan Street, Cairns, QLD 4870 Tel: 1800 229 228 or (07) 4041 0431 bookings@nomadsbeachhouse.com www.nomadsworldhotels.com Dorm from just $12 THE NORTHERN GREENHOUSE 117 Grafton Street Cairns QLD 4000 Ph: 1800 000 541 northern@friendlygroup.com.au www.northerngreenhouse.com.au JJ’S BACKPACKERS 11-13 Charles Street Cairns QLD 4870 Bookings - 1800 666 336 Reception - (07) 4051 7642 Fax - (07) 4051 7223 www.jjsbackpackers.com jjsbackpackers@ledanet.com.au

MISSION BEACH

ABSOLUTE BACKPACKERS MISSION BEACH

NOMADS HERVEY 408 The Esplanade Torquay, Hervey Bay, QLD 4655 Phone: 07 4125 3601 bookings@nomadshervey.com

TOWN OF 1770 (Between Bunderberg & Rockhampton)

COOL BANANAS 2 Spring Road, 1770 Queensland, 4677 Ph: 1800 227 660 www.coolbananas.net.au 1770 SOUTHERN CROSS (BACKPACKERS) 2694 round hill rd, agnes water, 4677 Ph: 0749747225 info@1770southerncross.com www.1770southerncross.com 1770 BEACHSIDE BACKPACKERS 12 Captain Cook Drive PO Box 212, Agnes Water Queensland 4677 Australia Ph: 07 4974 7200 www.1770beachsidebackpacker.com.au

CAIRNS NOMADS CAIRNS 341 Lake Street Cairns, QLD 4870 Freecall: 1800 737 736 bookings@nomadscairns.com nomadshostels.com Stay 4 nights, pay only 3! Or $5 off 1st night with this ad. GILLIGANS BACKPACKERS HOTEL & RESORT 57-59 Grafton Street, Cairns, QLD Free phone: 1800 556 995 www.gilligans.com.au

28 Wongaling Beach Road Mission Beach Queensland 4852 Freecall: 1800 688 316 info@absolutebackpackers.com.au www.absolutebackpackers.com.au SCOTTY’S BEACH HOUSE 167 Reid Road, Mission Beach Queensland, 4852 Ph: 07 4068 8676 Fax: 07 4068 8520 info@scottysbeachhouse.com.au www.scottysbeachhouse.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION PK’S JUNGLE VILLAGE Lot 11 Cape Tribulation Road, Cape Tribulation QLD 4873 Tel: 07 4098 0040 info@pksjunglevillage.com www.pksjunglevillage.com

WHITSUNDAYS

BAREFOOT LODGE Whitsunday Passage Whitsundays, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 075 125 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 9400 Availability and Rates: barefootlodge.bookconfirm.com longisland@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

AIRLIE BEACH

MAGNUMS/WHITSUNDAY VILLAGE TRAVEL 366 Shute Harbour Rd 4802 Airlie Beach, QLD Ph: +61 7 4964 1199 or 07 4964 1188 Free call: 1800 624 634 www.magnums.com.au

BBM-604 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

CLUB CROCODILE Shute Harbour Road, Airlie Beach, Australia Freecall: 1800 075 151 International Telephone: +61 7 4946 7155 Availability and Rates: Club Crocodile Airlie Beach Bookings airliebeach@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

CAPE TRIBULATION FERNTREE RAINFOREST LODGE

Camelot Close, Cape Tribulation, Australia Australia Freecall:1800 987 077 International Telephone: +61 7 4098 0033 Availability and Rates: www.thebookingbutton.com.au reservationsferntree@oceanhotels.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

RAINBOW BEACH

PIPPIES BEACH HOUSE Cnr of Spectrum Street & Cypress Avenue, Rainbow Beach FREEPHONE: 1800425356 info@pippiesbeachhouse.com.au www.pippiesbeachhouse.com.au 30mins FREE Internet on presentation of this ad PLUS FREE Breakfast & Eco Whale-Watching for all!

WESTERN AUSTRALIA SCARBOROUGH

WESTERN BEACH LODGE 6 Westborough Street Scarborough, Western Australia, 6019 Ph. (08) 9245 1624 westernbeach@iprimus.com.au www.westernbeach.com

PERTH RAINBOW LODGE 133 Summers St. Perth, WA Ph: (08) 9227-1818 or 0417 927 529 Ron@rainbowlodge.com.au www.rainbowlodge.com.au OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS cnr Marine Parade & Eric St Cottesloe Beach Ph: 08 9384 5111 stay@oceanbeachbackpackers.com www.oceanbeachbackpackers.com ONE WORLD BACKPACKERS 162 Aberdeen St Northbridge, PERTH WA Ph: (08) 9228 8206 www.oneworldbackpackers.com.au MOUNTWAY HOLIDAY APARTMENTS 36 Mount St West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9321 8307 info@mountwayapartments.com.au www.mountwayapartments.com.au MAD CAT BACKPACKERS 55-63 Stirling Street Perth, Western Australia, WA 6000 Ph: (0)8 9228 4966 madcat@madcatbackpackers.com.au

www.madcatbackpackers.com.au BRITANNIA ON WILLIAM 253 William Street, Northbridge 6003 Perth WA Ph: 08 9227 6000 Fax: 08 9227 6611 www.perthbritannia.com YMCA ACCOMMODATION JEWELL HOUSE 180 Goderich St. Perth, WA 6000 tel: (08) 9325 8488 fax: (08) 9221 4694 email: jewellhouse@ymca.org.au www.ymcajewellhouse.com.au

OCEAN BEACH BACKPACKERS 1 Eric Street , Cottesloe Perth W/A 6011 Ph: 08 9384 5111 backpackers@obh.com.au UNDERGROUND BACKPACKERS 268 Newcastle Street Northbridge WA 6003 Ph: (08) 9228 3755 Fax: (08) 9228 3744 www.undergroundbackpackers.com.au EXCLUSIVE BACKPACKERS 158 Adelaide Tce , Perth 6000 Ph: (08) 9221 9991 exclusivebackpackers@hotmail.com www.exclusivebackpackers.com BEATTY LODGE 235 Vincent Street West Perth WA 6005 Ph: (08) 9227 1521 www.beattylodge.com.au info@beattylodge.com.au BILLABONG RESORT 381 Beaufort Street, Perth Ph: 08 9328 7720 bookings@billabongresort.com.au www.billabongresort.com.au GLOBE BACKPACKERS 561 Wellington Street, cnr. Queen St. Perth, WA Ph: 08 9321 4080 globebak@iinet.net.au www.globebackpackers.com.au THE OLD SWAN BARRACKS 2 - 8 Francis Street Perth (Northbridge)6000 Ph: 08 9428 0000 www.theoldswanbarracks.com

MONKEY MIA

MONKEY MIA DOLPHIN RESORT Monkey Mia Road, Shark Bay 3537 Ph: +61 8 9948 1320 monkeymia@aspenresorts.com.au www.monkeymia.com.au

KUNUNURRA

KUNUNURRA BACKPACKERS ADVENTURE CENTRE 22 Nutwood Crescent Kununurra WA 6743 Ph: (08) 9169 1998 1800 641 998 www.kununurrabackpackers.com.au info@kununurrabackpackers.com.au

VICTORIA MILDURA REDCLIFFS HOTEL 25 Jacaranda St Red Cliffs VIC 3496 (03) 5024 1704

HALLS GAP

BRAMBUK BACKPACKERS HOSTEL 330 Grampians Road, Halls Gap, Victoria, 3381 Ph: 03 5356 4250 bramback@netconnect.com.au

www.brambuk.com.au/backpackers.htm Brambuk Backpackers offers travellers an affordable and comfortable range of accommodation, ideally situated within the stunning Grampians National Park.

MELBOURNE EASYSTAY MOTEL AND STUDIO APARTMENTS Great accommodation at fantastic rates Rooms available for up to 4 people Book online and save $$$ www.easystay.com.au Or call 1300 30 17 30 EXFORD HOTEL 199 Russell Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9663 2697 Fax: 03 9663 2248 res@exfordhotel.com.au www.exfordhotel.com.au

BBM-604 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

Australia

NOMADS MELBOURNE

196-198 A’Beckett Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 44 77 62 Phone: 03 9328 4383 bookings@nomadsmelbourne.com nomadshostels.com

Funkiest backpackers in Melbourne – come enjoy a drink in industry bar/lounge. On us!!Yay

BACK OF CHAPEL 50 Green St, Windsor Prahran, Vic 3181 Ph: 03 9521 5338 www.backofchapel.com NOMADS ALL NATIONS 2 Spencer Street Melbourne, VIC 3000 Freecall: 1800 739 989 Phone: 03 9620 1022 info@allnations.com nomadshostels.com

$5 off first night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

FLINDERS STATION HOTEL BACKPACKERS 35 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9620 5100 Fax: 03 9620 5101 res@flindersbp.com.au www.flindersbp.com.au THE SPENCER BACKPACKERS 475 Spencer Street, Melbourne Ph: (03) 9329 7755 1800 638 108 hotelspencer@hotkey.net.au www.spencerbackpackers.com.au Bring this ad for 40 min FREE internet (new guests only). KING STREET BACKPACKERS 197-199 King Street Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: (03) 9670 1111 1800 671 115 info@kingstreetbackpackers.com.au www.kingstreetbackpackers.com.au MELBOURNE INTERNATIONAL BACKPACKERS

450 Elizabeth Street Melbourne Vic 3000 Ph: 03 9662 4066 Fax: 03 9662 4077 res@mibp.com.au www.mibp.com.au THE GREENHOUSE BACKPACKER 228 Flinders Lane Melbourne VIC 3000 Ph: 1800 249 207 greenhouse@friendlygroup.com.au www.greenhousebackpacker.com.au HOTEL DISCOVERY 167 Franklin Street, Melbourne VIC 300 Ph: 03 9329 7525. Freecall 1800 645 200 reservations@hoteldiscovery.com.au www.hoteldiscovery.com.au Independent & Budget Traveler Accommodation Provider VICTORIA HALL ACCOMMODATION 380 Russell Street Melbourne 3000 Ph: 03 9662 3888 www.victoriahall.com.au PINT ON PUNT 42 Punt Road Windsor 3181 Melbourne, Victoria Australia Ph: 03 9510 4273 www.pintonpunt.com.au

ST. KILDA

OSLO HOTEL 38 Grey St, St Kilda Melbourne Ph: 1800 501752 Free call or (03) 95254498 or mob: 0407115610 (any time) info@oslohotel.com.au www.oslohotel.com.au From $132 per week, 4 bed dorms

HABITAT HQ Freephone 1800 202 500 info@habitathq.com.au www.habitathq.com.au

Award winning 4.5 star hostel with a homely & relaxed atmosphere Specials from $20!FREE pick up from Tullamarine (min 3 nt stay) * Conditions apply JACKSON APARTMENTS St Kilda Beach 80 Ikerman St Ph:0433 118 334 0412 525 510 www.jacksonapartments.com.au Jackson.apartments@bigpond.com

APOLLO BAY

APOLLO BAY BACKPACKERS LODGE 23 Pascoe Street, Apollo Bay Ph: 1800 157 280 +61 352 377850 Mob: 0413 504 402 Fax: 03 523 77385 ww.apollobaybackpackerslodge.com.au

NORTHERN TERRITORY DARWIN

CHILLIS BACKPACKERS 69A Mitchell Street, Darwin Ph: 1800 351 313 www.chillis.com.au ASHTON LODGE & WISDOM BAR 48 Mitchell St, Darwin NT 0800, Australia Ph: 08 8941 4866 ashtonlodge@gmail.com www.wisdombar.com.au MELALEUCA ON MITCHELL 52 Mitchell St Darwin, NT, 0800 Ph: 08 8941 7900 Freecall: 1300 723 437 www.momdarwin.com info@MOMDarwin.com

HINDMARSH ADELAIDE SHAKESPERE’S INTERNATIONAL 123 Waymouth Street Adelaide SA Ph: +61 (0)8 8231-7655 (Oz Freecall) 1800-556-889 bookings@shakeys.com.au This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it www.shakeys.com.au

SHARE ACCOMMODATION CAIRNS

CAIRNS SHAREHOUSE.COM 53a Minnie Street, Cairns Qld 4870 (Cnr Draper/Minnie Streets) Ph: 0740 411 875 or 0412 318 519 info@cairns-sharehouse.com www.cairns-sharehouse.com SPECIAL!!! Mention this ad and receive free DVD hire!! **Note: Best for stays of 4 weeks & more

SUBIACO AND WEST PERTH MALIBU APARTMENTS Share House & Self Contained Apartments Subiaco & West Perth Ph: (08) 9228 9008 info@malibuapartments.com.au www.malibuapartments.com.au

ALICE SPRINGS ANNIE’S PLACE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs , NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.anniesplace.com.au

SOUTH AUSTRALIA ADELAIDE ADELAIDE TRAVELLERS INN BACKPACKERS 220 Hutt St Adelaide 5000 Free call 1800633747 Ph: +61 08 82240753 bookings@adelaidebackpackers.com.au www.adelaidebackpackers.com.au MAJESTIC MINIMA HOTEL 146 Melbourne Street North Adelaide SA 5006 Ph:(08) 8334 7766 minima@majestichotels.com.au www.majestichotels.com.au OUR HOUSE BACKPACKERS 33 Gilbert Place, Adelaide, SA, 5000 Ph: 08 8410 4788 Fax: 08 8410 6288 info@ourhousebackpackers.com www.ourhousebackpackers.com

ACCOMMODATION GUIDE New Zealand CHRISTCHURCH

CITY OASIS 180 Peterborough Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3366 9531 cityoasis@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz COKER’S BACKPACKERS 52 manchester Street, Christchurch Ph: + 64 3379 8580 enquiries@cokers.co.nz www.cokers.co.nz

BAY OF ISLANDS BAY ADVENTURER BACKPACKERS & APARTMENTS 28, Kings Road, Paihia, Bay of Islands, NZ Ph: +64 9 402 5162 Info@ bayadventurer.co.nz www.bayadventurer.co.nz

KAIKOURA ADELPHI LODGE Main Street, Kaikoura Ph: + 64 3319 5141 Fax: + 64 3319 6786 adelphilodge@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

QUEENSTOWN

BUNGI BACKPACKERS 15 Sydney Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3442 8725 Fax: + 64 3442 8729 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz SOUTHERN LAUGHTER LODGE 4 Isle Street, Queenstown Ph: + 64 3441 8828 southernlaughter@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

NOMADS QUEENSTOWN 5-11 Church Street Queenstown, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 3 441 3922 info@nomadsqueenstown.com nomadshostels.com Queenstown’s brand new fl ashpackers, now open with rave reviews.

FRANZ JOSEF GLACIER

CHATEAU FRANZ 8 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0738 www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz GLOW WORM COTTAGES 7 Cron Street, Franz Josef Glacier Ph: + 64 3752 0172 glowwormcottages@xtra.co.nz www.kiwi-backpackers.co.nz

AUCKLAND

WELLINGTON

NOMADS AUCKLAND 16-20 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 300 9999 bookings@nomadsauckland.com nomadshostels.com

NOMADS CAPITAL 118 Wakefi eld Stree Wellington, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 4 978 7800 info@nomadscapital.com nomadshostels.com Central city backpackers with FREE MEAL every night

$5 off fi rst night (min 3 night stay) if you mention this ad

NOMADS FAT CAMEL 38 Fort Street Auckland, NZ Freecall: 0508 NOMADS Phone: +64 9 307 0181 bookings@nomadsfatcamel.com nomadshostels.com $5 off fi rst night if you mention this ad

Fiji BEACHCOMBER ISLAND RESORT Mamanuca Island Group Ph: + 679 6661500 Fax: + 679 6664496 info@beachcomberfi ji.comwww beachcomberfi ji.com THE BEACHOUSE Coral Coast, Fiji Islands Fiji phone: 679 6530500 Free call (within Fiji): 0800 6530530 Australia info line: 07 55320412 info@fi jibeachouse.co www.fi jibeachouse.co

SMUGGLERS COVE BEACH RESORT & HOTEL P.O.Box 10409 Nadi Airport. Ph: (679) 672 6578 or 672 4578 Fax: (679) 672 0662 reservations@smugglerscove. com.fj www.smugglersbeachfi ji.com Skype name: Smugglers Cove HORIZON BEACH RESORT Wailoaloa Beach, Nadi Bay, Fiji Ph: +679 672 2832 or 4578 Fax: +679 672 0662 www.horizonbeachfi ji.co

ROBINSON CRUSOE ISLAND Fiji budget accommodation Ph: (679) – 6281999 (679) – 6282901 robinsoncrusoe@connect.com.fj www.robinsoncrusoeislandfi ji com THE UPRISING BEACH RESORT 679-345-2200 Beach RoadPacifi c Harbou P.O.Box 416 Pacifi c Habou Fiji Islands enquiries@uprisingbeachresort. com www.uprisingbeachresort.com

NADI BAY RESORT HOTEL Wailoaloa Beach Road Private Mail Bag NAP 0359, Nadi Airport Ph: (679) 6723599 Fax: (679) 6720092 nadibay@connect.com.fj www.fi jinadibayhotel.com NADI BAY DOWNTOWN BACKPACKERS Nadi, Fiji Islands Ph: [679] 670 0600 pacvalley@connect.com.fj

BBM-604 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

ADVENTURE SPORTS

SKYDIVING AUSTRALIA

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS 1 Pathfinder Drive, Caloundra Airport, Sunshine Coast, QLD Ph: (07)54 370 211 or 04 18 776 775 bookings@sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au www.sunshinecoastskydivers.com.au

COFFS CITY SKYDIVERS 64 aviation drive Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 Tel: 02 66511167 – 0400916600 jump@coffsskydivers.com.au www.coffsskydivers.com.au AWESOME in every way! Full Facilities,Cheap Accomodation Gift Vouchers, GOOD VIBES

SKYDIVE BYRON BAY P.O.Box 1615, Byron Bay, NSW, 2481 Hanger 1, Tyagarah Airfield, NSW, 2481 PH: 1800 800 840 or 02 6684 1323 Fax: 02 6684 6323 Email: info@skydivebyronbay.com www.skydivebyronbay.com

The ultimate skydive experience Australia has to offer!

SUNSHINE COAST SKYDIVERS Pathfinder Dr, Caloundra Airport Tel: 1300 727 313 or 07 5437 0211 jump@jumpscs.com www.jumpscs.com SKYDIVE COFFS HARBOUR P.O. Box 351 Coffs Harbour NSW 2450 0433 254 438 info@skydivecoffs.com.au www.skydivecoffs.com.au Beach landings in the heart of coffs

SKYDIVE THE REEF CAIRNS 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@skydivethereefcairns.com.au www.skydivethereefcairns.com.au

Free Transfers from Cairns & spectacular views of the great barrier reef

SKYDIVE JURIEN BAY 36B Bashford St, Jurien Bay, WA, 6516 Ph: 0438 441 239 www.skydivejurienbay.com SKYDIVE MISSION BEACH 51 Sheridan St, Cairns, QLD, 4870 Tel: 1800 800 840 Fax: 02 6684 6323 info@missionbeachskydive.com.au www.skydivemissionbeach.com.au

Free transfers from Mission Beach & Cairns. Australia’s Highest jump and Beach Landings

NEW ZEALAND

SKYDIVE LAKE WANAKA LTD 14, Mustang Lane, Wanaka Airport State Highway 6, Wanaka, South Island NZ Tel: +64 3 443 7207 or FREEphone 0800 786 877 info@skydivewanaka.com www.skydivewanaka.com NZONE ‘THE ULTIMATE JUMP’ Queenstown & Rotorua Tel: 0800 376 796 skydive@nzone.biz www.nzone.biz

SKYDIVINGNZ.COM New Zealand Skydiving School FREEPHONE: 0800 NZSKYDIVE Email: info@skydivingnz.com

FIJI

SKYDIVE FIJI 11 Zahoor Road, Nadi, Fiji Isalnds Tel: +679-6728166 Fax: +679-6721415 admin@skydivefiji.com.fj www.skydivefiji.com.fj ‘Incredible views of Fiji’s Islands and Reefs; Beach or Resort landings’

SCUBA DIVING AUSTRALIA

THE SCUBA CENTRE Port Douglas-Cairns-Airlie Beach 230 Sugarloaf Rd. Whitsunday Tel: 07 4946 1067 whitscub@gmail.com www.scubacentre.com.au Coral Sea - Cairns - and Whitsunday Islands Dive live aboards. PADI dive courses and HMAS Brisbane wreck dive. NINGALOO WHALE SHARK AND DIVE CENTRE Located inside reception at the Exmouth Cape Holiday Park: 3 Truscott Street, Exmouth. Western Australia FREECALL: 1800 224 060 www.ningaloowhalesharkndive.com.au

SUNLOVER REEF CRUISES, CAIRNS

Reef Fleet Terminal, Tenancy 3, 1 Spence Street Cairns, QLD 4870, Australia Australia Freecall: 1800 810 512 International Telephone: +61 7 4050 1333 Availability and Rates: sunlovercruises.bookconfirm.com res@sunlover.com.au www.oceanhotels.com.au

FIJI

SUBSURFACE FIJI ADVENTURE DIVING AND WATERSPORTS Beachcomber, Treasure, Malolo, Walu Beach, Funky Fish and Musket Cove Island Resorts Tel: +679 6666 738 info@subsurfacefiji.com www.subsurfacefiji.com Fiji’s multi award winning Dive and Watersports Company. Enjoy HALF PRICE on all diving and PADI dive courses during February and March at Beachcomber and Treasure Island Resorts.

TOURS/ ADVENTURES AUSTRALIA

SKYRAIL RAINFOREST CABLEWAY Cnr of Captain Cook Highway and Cairns Western Arterial Road, PO Box 888 Smithfield, Queensland, 4878 Ph: 07 4038 1555 Fax: 07 4038 1888 mail@skyrail.com.au www.skyrail.com.au OCEAN SAFARI CAPE TRIBULATION The Boardwalk Café, Cape Tribulation Rd, Cape Tribulation Tel: 07 4098 0006 Fax: 07 4098 0195 oceansafari@westnet.com.au www.oceansafari.com.au The Great Barrier Reef in just 25 minutes, join our half day Eco Tour for an exhilarating ride of your life and two hours of pristine snorkelling at Mackay and Undine reefs.

BBM-604 // ACCOMMODATION GUIDE

GOING SOUTH

Four days, two famous Aussie icons, one awesome tour Ph: 1800 009 858 www.goinsouth.com.au

TEMPTATION DOLPHIN SWIM Marina Pier, Holdfast Shores Marina Glenelg SA 5045 Ph: 0412 811 838 Fax: (08) 8353 0750 info@dolphinboat.com.au www.dolphinboat.com.au

RAFTING

AUSTRALIA

OCEAN RAFTING WHITSUNDAYS The Jetty, Coral Sea Resort, Airlie Beach Tel: 07 4946 6848 Fax: 07 4946 1488 oceanrafting@airlie.net.au www.oceanrafting.com.au

Each Ocean Rafting day includes a visit to Whitehaven Beach, pristine snorkelling reefs and stunning national park Island walks. Whitsunday Adventure Tourism Winner 2008 and Eco accredited

MULGAS ADVENTURE 4 Traeger Avenue Alice Springs, NT, 0871 Ph: 1800 359 089 www.mulgas.com.au

HOT AIRBALLOONING AUSTRALIA

BALLOON SUNRISE PO Box 229 Yarra Glen 3775 Tel: 9730 2422 or Freecall 1800 HOTAIR (1800 468 247) info@hotairballooning.com.au www.hotairballooning.com .au

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

STAND UP PADDLE SURFING 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@1770sup.com.au www.1770sup.com.au

KITE SURFING AUSTRALIA

KITESURF 1770 / IKO CER TIFIED KITEBOARDING SCHOOL/CENTRE 3 Graham Colyer Drive, Agnes Water - QLD Ph: 07 4974 7874 / 07 4962 0210 Mobile: 0422 806 235 info@kitesurf1770.com.au www.kitesurf1770.com.au KITE REPUBLIC Shop: 10-18 Jacka Blvd. St.Kilda Sea Baths Complex, St.Kilda 3182 Melbourne, VIC Ph:(03) 95370644 Mob: +61 418583233 info@kiterepublic.com.au www.kiterepublic.com.au

MARINE CHARTERS AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE BAY CHARTERS 2 Jubilee Drive Port Lincoln, SA, 5606 Ph: 04 8842 8862 info@adventurebaycharters.com.au www.adventurebaycharters.com.au

KANGAROO ISLAND MARINE CHARTERS 9 Chapman Terrace, Kingscote, Kangaroo Island, SA Ph: 0427 315 286 Fax: 08 8553 0016 www.kimarineadventures.com

KAYAKING AUSTRALIA

ADVENTURE KAYAKING 7 Hastings Street, Glenelg South, SA Ph: (08) 8295 8812 bookings@adventurekayak.com.au www.adventurekayak.com.au

BIKE RIDING AUSTRALIA

ESCAPE GOAT Adelaide, SA Ph: 08 8121 8112 0422 916289 info@escapegoat.com.au www.escapegoat.com.au

JET BOATING

NEW ZEALAND SHOTOVER JET

The World’s Most Exciting Jet Boat Ride, and the only company permitted to operate in the spectacular Shotover River Canyons.

Shotover Jet Beach, Gorge Road Arthurs Point, Queenstown, New Zealand Free Phone (NZ only): 0800 SHOTOVER Phone: +64 3 442 8570 Fax: +64 3 442 7467 reservations@shotoverjet.co.nz www.shotoverjet.com

AUSTRALIA

JET BOAT EXTREME Behind Titanium Bar Ferny Avenue Surfers Paradise Queensland Ph: 0755388890 Mob: 0404099981 info@jetboatextreme.com.au www.jetboatextreme.com.au

ROLLERBLADING

SURFING AUSTRALIA NATIONAL SURFSCHOOL NETWORK Tel: 07 5599 3800 Chris@surfingaustralia.com http://www.surfingaustralia.com

Come surfing with the original surfschool network in Australia…safety and fun in the one experience

MOJOSURF 2/9 Marvel Street Ph: 02 6639 5100 reservations@mojosurf.com http://mojosurf.com Living the dream… SANCTUARY SURFERS 201 Waymouth Street Adelaide South Australia 5000 Ph: 0403 134 478 luke.j.d@gmail.com www.sanctuary.net.au SURFSHACK IS AN ACCREDITED SURF SCHOOL Lessons from $50 for 2 hours Lake Entrance Surf Shack 507 Esplanade Ph: 03 5155 4933 Mallacoota Surf Shack 41 Maurice Avenue Ph: 03 5158 0909 www.surfshack.com.au

JUNGLE SURFING AUSTRALIA

JUNGLE SURFING CANOPY TOURS PO Box 117 Port Douglas, Queensland Ph: 07 4098 0043 info@junglesurfing.com.au www.junglesurfing.com.au

RIVER BOARDING NEW ZEALAND

MAD DOG RIVERBOARDING 37 Shotover Street Queenstown New Zealand Ph: +64 3442 7797 www.riverboarding.co.nz

SHARK EXPEDITIONS AUSTRALIA

AUSTRALIA

ROLLERBLADING.COM.AU Lessons in Sydney and Melbourne Purchase lessons online www.rollerblading.com.au/british Ph: 0411872022

RODNEY FOX EXPEDITIONS 73 Ninth Avenue, Joslin, Adelaide, South Australia, 5070 Ph: (08) 8363 1788 www.rodneyfox.com.au

GLACIER GUIDING

BUNGY JUMPING

Fox Glacier Guiding 44 Main Rd, Po Box 38, Fox Glacier, New Zealand Tel: +64 3 751 0825 Freephone (NZ only): 0800 111 600 Fax: +64 3 751 0857 info@foxguides.co.nz www.foxguides.co.nz

AJ HACKETT CAIRNS Mc Gregor Road Smithfield, QLD 4878 Ph: (07) 4057 7188 Free call: 1800 622 888 (Aus only) Cairns.reception@ajhackett.com www.cairns.ajhackett.com

NEW ZEALAND

AUSTRALIA

Take a breathtaking guided trip on the West Coast’s longest and less crowded glacier amidst fascinating ice formations with NZ’s most experienced glacier guiding company. Offering a full range of trips to suit all fitness levels.

SURFING AUSTRALIA

SURF CAMP AUSTRALIA 235 CLARENCE ST, SYDNEY PH: (02) 9262 1757 www.surfcamp.com.au

CRYSTAL BALLS

Our resident psychic, Crystal, tells you your fortune for this week

cartoon characters and clowns.

Virgo

Capricorn

Love is like a sea full of sea

WHY not pick up the phone

YOU’RE weak at heart and

turtles. Or at least, it should

and yell into it wildly before

must endeavour to become

be. If you’ve not experienced

dialling your required number?

stronger by subjecting yourself to ritualistic torture.

this then it’s time to either look elsewhere or just look harder.

some equipment for which

Complete the sentence: “My

there was a manual. Please

day will be really shitty because

COMMENTING on a nearby

give this manual a quick read

my boss will find out that I surf

person’s “peaches” may not go

so as to avoid problems later.

the internet for ________ every

Cancer

Aries

You have recently received

down too well.

Libra

YOU tend to be headstrong

Avoid language with anything to

A TAXI queue is a surprising

The mental problem you’re

and deliberate in your actions.

do with sex or fruit during your

place for love to strike this

having may subside once you

Basically you don’t give a shit

lunch break. You may find you

week. Of course, you’ll be

relax about things.

about anyone.

have to see out most of the day

parted without getting each

with only one eye to guide you.

others numbers or having any

Aquarius

chance of meeting again as

THE DEAD are unlikely to rise

Most people hate you, but for some reason you couldn’t care

Your luck will run out when

they just arrived on the train

from their graves this week, but

less. You’re the type of person

you’re fired from your job for

and don’t live anywhere near.

this shouldn’t deter you from

who would pull your pants

sexual harassment.

Still, love can do that, can’t it?

starting your “Anti-Zombie”

Of course they gave you all the

That was your soulmate by the

fan club.

down at a wedding and swing your bits around like a lasso.

signals but they were trying

way. And you’ll never see them

You’ll also realise your favourite

Luck will lead you down the

to tell you to fuck off and not

again. Enjoy the rest of your

attribute in a person is their

street screaming obscenities

asking whether you would like

loveless existence.

ability to tell you just how

at random strangers until they

to fuck?

jump you and beat you to a pulp.

Leo

Scorpio REPETITION may annoy you

fantastic you are. Unfortunately, this hasn’t occurred since 1991.

YOU have an inventive

today as someone close by

Pisces

mind and are inclined to be

tells you the same damned

SOMEONE close to you will

PANIC. Or at least flail your

progressive, but that’s about it

story over and over again.

brush your arm today in a way

arms about. The future does

as far as positives go.

Taurus

not look good, rosy, happy or full of dancing pixies.

that will make you think that Looking for a saviour is a

You lie a great deal, make the

commendable past-time, but

you’re “in there.”

same mistakes repeatedly

ignoring your personal hygiene

However, what you may not

You won’t be feeling particularly

because you’re stupid and

is a forfeit you really shouldn’t

see is that they have a cold and

lucky when you delve deep into

everyone thinks you are an

have made.

have just passed it your way via

your loved one’s most intimate

absolute arsehole.

parts and find maggots, crusty

Sagittarius

a wet hand.

looking cheese and Texas

You spend much of this

PLEASE keep your eyes on

True love is to show someone

barbecue flavoured Pringles

week hunched over on your

the exits. Everything you think

how ridiculous you can be

round the edges. What on earth

bed sucking your own cum

about yourself will be called

when you let your guard

could they have been up to?

through a straw because you’re

into question this week.

down. Some people find that

Gemini ATTRACTION to the wrong

attractive.

desperate for a blow job and the dry spell has lasted more

And DO NOT eat that

than four years.

nine-day-old lasagne because

Unfortunately you get on the

you’ve spent all your money on

wrong bus home, fall asleep

booze, drugs and crayons.

and a lesbian picks your

kinds of people will increase

half an hour.”

over the coming weeks,

If only you had your lower ribs

including (but not limited to)

removed like Prince.

pockets for remaining shrapnel.

BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

ASK CRYSTAL I have fallen back in love with

getting a faint taste of papa’s

like pissing my pants because

her. However, my parents

man meat.

your predicament is so funny.

recently split and after a few drinks my dad told me part of

Would you feel secure with their

How the hell did you get to

the reason was that my mum

knowing glances? If so, your old

18 without getting a shot of

had caught him in bed with the

man may be able to advise you

poontang?

babysitter more than once, I’m

how best to make her squeal. A

torn. Help.

good bit of family bonding could

A prostitute might be an

be a threesome with babysitter

option, but remember they are

and father. Mum can clean up.

professionals and good at what

Dear Crystal,

Dave, Tasmania

I REALLY need advice - my heart is being torn in every direction.

Dear Dave,

Years ago the most gorgeous

WHAT an unfortunate love

Dear Crystal,

with a lady of the night it might

big-boobed girl used to baby-sit

triangle. If you really love her you

I’M only 18 and have just arrived

leave you with ridiculously high

me and needless to say I was

should try and stay with her but,

in Australia. I’m a virgin and don’t

expectations for your next time.

absolutely smitten. I couldn’t

on the other hand, would you be

seem to have much luck with

take my pervy little eyes off her

haunted by images of your father,

women. I was thinking of hiring

However, I’m past my best

or my lusty little mitts off myself.

showing her who’s the daddy

a whore because I’m just so

and will offer a half-price deal.

and blasting her pert booty into

desperate to pop my cherry. Is

orgasmic delight?

this the best route for me?

Imagine my delight when I

they do, so if your first time is

Matt, Perth

bumped into her in a bar recently and ended up fulfilling one of my

What if she thinks he is bigger

all time fantasies by filling her full

and better than you? Imagine

Dear Matt,

of my juices.

every time you kiss her you’re

I FEEL sorry for you, but also feel

Do you have a pressing problem that needs Crystal’s attention? If so, e-mail Crystal via. editor@britishballs.com

TO READ BBM’S DAILY DOSE OF UK NEWS , VISIT BBMLIVE.COM/UK-NEWS

JOKES I WAS ramming this girl up the arse the other day. “Oi, any more of that and you’re off the dodgems,” shouted the fairground owner. Jack, Bondi

SHARKS aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in a pair of Speedos, I’d probably attack him too. Ted, Townsville

I’VE bought myself a chinchilla. That should keep my face nice and cool in the warm weather. Peter, Coogee

I HATE street performers. Then again, I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk. John, Croydon

I SAID to this girl: “Did you know the Argentine blue-bill duck has, for its size, the largest penis of any vertebrate, over half it’s body length?” “Get out of here,” she said. “It’s true,” I replied. “And did you know that the blue whale ejaculates around f ve gallons of sperm?” “No, I literally mean get out of here,” she said. “This is the ladies toilets you fucking pervert.” Jimmy, Edgecliff

WHEN I broke up with my girlfriend she started crying and said I was a selfcentred bastard. You should’ve seen the look on my face. Roger, Randwick

I’VE made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap. She’s a bit clingy. Timothy, Perth I WAS only young when I learned to count. It was odd at f rst, even then. Todd, Coogee

I’VE just been mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Ironically, he wasn’t wearing a mask so I don’t know which one it was. Jimbo, Cairns Girl: What colour are my eyes? Guy: 34C. Thomas, Brisbane

BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SCOREBOARD ENGLISH LEAGUES PREMIER LEAGUE PlWDL+/-Pts Manchester United3220933869 Arsenal3118853262 Chelsea3117773058 Manchester City3216882056 Tottenham Hotspur3114116853 Liverpool3214612748 Everton3210148444 Bolton Wanderers32111011343 Newcastle United3210913139 West Bromwich Albion3210913-1339 Fulham3281410138 Stoke City3211516-338 Sunderland3291112-1038 Aston Villa3291013-1337 Blackburn Rovers329815-1235 Birmingham City3171410-1235 Blackpool329617-2033 West Ham United3271114-1832 Wolverhampton Wanderers329518-2032 Wigan Athletic3261313-2331

Tables do not include Friday night’s results.

LEAGUE 1

CHAMPIONSHIP PlWDL+/-Pts Queens Park Rangers41231353882 Cardiff City41219112172 Norwich City41191481871 Swansea City41217131970 Reading41181582469 Leeds United411713111064 Nottingham Forest411615101163 Millwall411613121361 Leicester City4117915460 Hull City41151511460 Watford411512141157 Burnley40151213057 Ipswich Town4116817156 Portsmouth41151016-355 Bristol City4115917-554 Barnsley41131117-1150 Coventry City41131018-449 Middlesbrough40131017-749 Derby County4113919-748 Doncaster Rovers41111218-2145 Crystal Palace41111020-2243 Scunthorpe United4111426-4037 Preston North End4181221-2336 Sheffi eld United419824-313

PlWDL+/-Pts Brighton and Hove Albion4127954590 Southampton40228103774 Huddersfi eld Town4121119247 Peterborough United41218122671 Milton Keynes Dons FC4120813768 Rochdale411713111164 AFC Bournemouth411712121963 Leyton Orient41161312861 Exeter City41161015-858 Colchester United41151214-257 Brentford4116718-555 Charlton Athletic41141215-354 Hartlepool United4115917-1454 Carlisle United41141116053 Oldham Athletic41121514-651 Sheffi eld Wednesday4114819-35 Yeovil Town4114819-1450 Tranmere Rovers40121018-1346 Dagenham & Redbridge41111119-1244 Walsall41111020-1743 Bristol Rovers41111020-3143 Notts County4012622-1342 Swindon Town4181419-1838 Plymouth Argyle4013720-1836

LEAGUE 2 PlWDL+/-Pts Chesterfi eld4122127327 Bury412011103071 Wycombe Wanderers411912101369 Shrewsbury Town411812111566 Torquay United411714102364 Stevenage Football Club411713111964 Gillingham41161691564 Accrington Stanley41161691364 Port Vale41161312361 Rotherham United411612131460 Oxford United4116916057 Aldershot Town41131711-156 Crewe Alexandra411510161755 Southend United41141116353 Morecambe41131018-1249 Cheltenham Town41121217-1948 Bradford City4014521-1547 Macclesfi eld Town41121118-164 Hereford United41121316-1446 Lincoln City4113721-2946 Northampton Town4191616-1143 Burton Albion40101119-1741 Barnet41101120-1841 Stockport County4181221-4536

OTHER LEAGUES

FOCUS ON... CHAMPIONSHIP WITH QPR realistically just two wins away from the Premier League, only two questions remain in the Championship – who’s going to go up with them, and why are Sheff eld United so shit this year? The quest for the other automatic spot is turning into a fourway f stf ght between Cardiff, Norwich, Swansea and Reading. Out of those teams, Reading may have the least points but they’re the form team in the division with a seven-match winning streak taking them from play-off outsiders into genuine promotion candidates. Meanwhile, it’s say hello to some of the worst fans in English football

SCOTTISH PREMIER PlWDL+/-Pts Celtic3124434876 Rangers3124253974 Heart of Midlothian3218681660 Dundee United3214108752 Kilmarnock32138111047 Motherwell3313515-744 Inverness Caledonian Thistle3191012137 Hibernian3210616-1536 St. Johnstone3381015-2134 Aberdeen339420-2031 St. Mirren327718-2228 Hamilton Academical3221020-3616

time in the scrap for the f nal play-off place with Millwall, Forest and dirty, dirty Leeds all goading each other with broken beer bottles. The less physically threatening Hull, Burnley and Leicester are also in the mix (sorry Watford fans, it’s not going to happen). At the other end, well, it looks almost done and dusted. We can’t see any of the bottom three getting out of the relegation places. The writing’s been on the wall for a while at Preston, Scunthorpe have done well to last for two seasons but what’s with the Blades? Bottom? We can’t work it out. At least, they’ll be playing Wednesday again soon...

SERIE A PlWDL+/-Pts AC Milan3220843368 Napoli3220572265 Internazionale3219672363 Lazio3217691257 Udinese32175102356 AS Roma321589553 Juventus3214991051 Palermo3213514-544 Cagliari3212713143 Fiorentina32101210342 Bologna32111011-840 Genoa3210913-639 Chievo3281212-436 Catania329914-1136 Lecce329716-1834 Sampdoria3271114-1032 Parma3271114-1532 Cesena3271015-1631 Brescia327916-1230 Bari324919-2721

PlWDL+/-Pts FC Barcelona3127316984 Real Madrid3124435076 Valencia CF3118671660 Villarreal CF3116691254 Sevilla FC3113711246 Atlético Madrid3113612745 Athletic Bilbao3114314245 RCD Espanyol3114215-544 Levante UD3111614-739 RCD Mallorca3111614-939 Sporting Gijón3191111-638 Racing Santander3191012-1437 Osasuna319814-135 Real Sociedad3111218-1435 Deportivo La Coruña3181112-1535 Getafe CF319715-934 Real Zaragoza318914-1333 Hércules CF318617-2030 Málaga CF318617-2330 UD Almería3151115-2226

MARKETING & ADMIN ASSISTANT

A marketing and admin assistant is required for leading sports TV channel Setanta www.setanta.com.au With your marketing and office experience you’ll provide support to the marketing department performing a wide range of tasks and disciplines. Six-month role paying $18.20 per hour! Duties will include: · Updating and distributing programme and fixture information · Responding to customer enquiries by both phone and email; · Managing the official Facebook and Twitter sites; · Keeping the website up-to-date including writing articles and general maintenance;

· Banking cheques received and handling petty cash; · Be ﬁrst contact for all incoming calls and visitors; · Managing the incoming and outgoing Mail; · Assisting in the preparation of various promotional materials including drafting copy; sourcing images and liaising with external graphic designers;

If you have excellent written and verbal communication skills along with great computer skills (preferable in an Apple Mac environment) using Word, Excel and Email then they would love to hear from you. An interest in sport, particularly Football (Soccer) would be advantageous. The role will run for six months on a salary of $36,000 a year, ie $18.20 an hour! Apply today for this fantastic role in the heart of Sydney! Email your CV and cover letter to

LA LIGA

BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

setantaoz@setanta.com

SCOREBOARD FOOTBALL RESULTS Thursday, 14 April Uefa Europa League Braga 0-0 Dynamo Kiev (agg 1-1) (Braga win on away goals rule) FC Twente 1-3 Villarreal (agg 2-8) PSV Eindhoven 2-2 Benfi ca (agg 3-6 Spartak Moscow 2-5 FC Porto (agg 3-10) Blue Square Bet Premier Mansfi eld 2-0 Bath Cit ---------------------------------------------------------Wednesday, 13 April Uefa Champions League Schalke 04 2-1 Inter Milan (agg 7-3) Tottenham 0-1 Real Madrid (agg 0-5) Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 0-1 Rangers Blue Square Bet Premier Grimsby 1-1 Rushden & D’mnds Scottish First Division Queen of South 1-4 Morton Scottish Third Division Arbroath 2-0 Clyde Scot-Ads Highland Football League Deveronvale 4-1 Huntly Forres Mechanics 3-2 Fort William Rothes 0-2 Inverurie Locos Wick Academy 0-4 Nairn County FA Women’s Super League Chelsea Ladies 0-1 Arsenal Ladies Lincoln Ladies 0-1 Doncaster Belles ---------------------------------------------------------Tuesday, 12 April Uefa Champions League Man Utd 2-1 Chelsea (agg 3-1) Shakhtar Donetsk 0-1 Barcelona (agg 1-6) Npower Championship Barnsley 0-1 QPR Derby 2-1 Leeds Doncaster 1-1 Preston Ipswich 3-3 Middlesbrough Leicester 1-1 Crystal Palace Millwall 0-0 Bristol City Nott’m Forest 2-0 Burnley Portsmouth 0-3 Coventry Scunthorpe 0-2 Reading Sheff Utd 0-2 Cardiff Swansea 1-1 Hull Watford 2-2 Norwich Npower League One Brighton 4-3 Dag & Red Leyton Orient 0-0 Carlisle Rochdale 2-0 Southampton Walsall 3-2 Brentford Yeovil 2-1 Notts County Npower League Two Bury 1-0 Burton Albion Clydesdale Bank Premier League St Johnstone 0-1 Celtic Blue Square Bet Premier Crawley Town 1-1 Luton Gateshead 3-0 Eastbourne Boro Histon 0-1 Darlington Mansfi eld 1-1 Barro Scottish First Division Partick Thistle 1-2 Falkirk Scottish Second Division Brechin 0-3 Ayr Forfar 2-0 Stenhousemuir Blue Square Bet North Eastwood Town 4-2 Alfreton Town Workington 2-0 Worcester Blue Square Bet South Maidenhead Utd 1-0 Eastleigh ---------------------------------------------------------Monday, 11 April Barclays Premier League Liverpool 3-0 Man City Blue Square Bet North Droylsden 0-3 Guiseley Blue Square Bet South Havant and W 1-2 Hampton & Richmond ---------------------------------------------------------Sunday, 10 April Barclays Premier League Aston Villa 1-0 Newcastle Blackpool 1-3 Arsenal Clydesdale Bank Premier League Hamilton 0-1 Rangers ALBA Challenge Cup Queen of South 0-2 Ross County

BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM `

Scottish First Division Dundee 1-1 Stirling Welsh Premier League Aberystwyth 2-0 Airbus UK

FANTASY FOOTBALL $1000 IN BAR TABS UP FOR GRABS!

---------------------------------------------------------Saturday, 9 April Barclays Premier League Blackburn 1-1 Birmingham Bolton 3-0 West Ham Chelsea 1-0 Wigan Man Utd 2-0 Fulham Sunderland 2-3 West Brom Tottenham 3-2 Stoke Wolverhampton 0-3 Everton Npower Championship Barnsley 4-2 Bristol City Derby 2-2 Coventry Doncaster 1-3 Cardiff Ipswich 2-1 Crystal Palace Leicester 4-0 Burnley Millwall 3-2 Leeds Nott’m Forest 3-4 Reading Portsmouth 1-1 Preston Scunthorpe 4-1 QPR Sheff Utd 1-2 Middlesbrough Swansea 3-0 Norwich Watford 1-2 Hull Npower League One Bournemouth 1-2 Tranmere Brentford 0-1 Swindon Brighton 2-0 Sheff Wed Bristol Rovers 0-2 Exeter Colchester 1-0 Rochdale Dag & Red 3-1 Notts County Hartlepool 3-1 Yeovil Huddersfi eld 1-1 Peterborough Leyton Orient 0-2 Southampton MK Dons 3-2 Carlisle Oldham 0-0 Charlton Plymouth 2-0 Walsall Npower League Two Aldershot 3-0 Shrewsbury Barnet 2-1 Crewe Bradford 0-3 Torquay Cheltenham 1-1 Rotherham Hereford 3-0 Chesterfi eld Lincoln City 0-4 Gillingham Morecambe 2-1 Burton Albion Northampton 2-4 Bury Oxford Utd 2-2 Wycombe Port Vale 1-1 Southend Stockport 2-2 Stevenage Clydesdale Bank Premier League Aberdeen 0-1 Hibernian Celtic 1-0 St Mirren Dundee Utd 2-0 St Johnstone Hearts 0-0 Motherwell Kilmarnock 1-1 Inverness CT Blue Square Bet Premier Barrow 5-0 Kettering Cambridge Utd 1-2 AFC Wimbledon Darlington 3-1 Bath City Eastbourne Boro 0-6 Fleetwood Town Forest Green 1-0 Altrincham Gateshead 2-0 Histon Grimsby 3-3 Kidderminster Hayes & Yeading 4-0 Mansfi el Luton 6-0 Southport Rushden & D’mnds 2-2 Wrexham Tamworth 0-3 Crawley Town York 2-1 Newport County Scottish First Division Falkirk 2-3 Partick Thistle Raith Rovers 2-2 Cowdenbeath Scottish Second Division Alloa 1-0 Airdrie Utd Ayr 3-1 Forfar Brechin 1-3 East Fife Dumbarton 5-2 Peterhead Stenhousemuir 0-3 Livingston Scottish Third Division Albion 0-0 Annan Athletic Berwick 0-1 Montrose Clyde 0-3 Arbroath Queen’s Park 1-0 Elgin Stranraer 2-0 East Stirling Blue Square Bet North AFC Telford 0-1 Boston Utd Blyth Spartans 0-2 Gloucester Droylsden 1-1 Corby Harrogate Town 0-0 Vauxhall Motors Hyde 3-0 Hinckley Utd Nuneaton 1-2 Gainsborough Redditch 0-6 Eastwood Town Solihull Moors 0-1 Alfreton Town Worcester 1-2 Guiseley

CHECK out BBM’ s fantasy league table at http:// fantasy.pr emierleague.com for all the latest r esults and standings. T able below was up to date at time of going to press.

Prizes

(in PJ O’Briens bar tabs) are: First: $400 Second: $250 Third: $150 Fourth: $100

# TEAM MANAGER GW

TOT

1 alovelycupoftea James Horrocks 74

1844

2 Stop, Hammertime! Paul Steadman 77

1780

3 Dizzying Heights FC Siva Iyer 54

1774

4 every week you dan magee 60

1738

5 Alan’s Deep Bath jason kerley 57 6 Alcohol Fc Ron f 56

1709

1682

7 TippytappyFC Richie Egan 60

1645

8 Rootin & Tootin Oisin Coveney 30

1622

9 Holy-family ‘B’ team Pat Mustard 46 10 Mukin Fagic Luke Gately 33

1620 1615

11 bobby dazzlerz tom mcelwain 54

1610

12 Insert Name Here Utd Richard Gadsby 85 13 Evertonian John Armitage 58

1608

1603

14 ur ma’s athletic brian o gorman 73

1597

15 Red Incas Mark Stansfi eld 39

1589

16 Lovely Football Team raymond doherty 56 17 Tallulah Neil Weaver 53

1573

18 Arsenal Brian Harvey 56

1568

19 The Roosters Steven Cairns 63 20 fi sty cuffs fc Marc Roche 65

1575

1562 1562

New Entry Ranking Increased Ranking stayed Ranking Fell the same

WORLD SPORT ANDY CRAP: MURRAY FINALLY WINS

CLUB DREAD

TENNIS: BBM’s no expert but it seems to us that a basic requirement of being a tennis professional would be to, you know, actually win tennis matches.

GOLF: After doing an “Andy Murray” by choking in the Masters last week, Rory McIlroy’s run of bad luck continued when his clubs got lost mid-f ight.

Sadly this little tidbit of information was never mentioned to Andy Murray despite his strict adherence to a revolving door policy when it comes to hiring coaches.

The 21-year-old, who is the latest in a long line of British chokers, led the masters by four shots before a f nalday 80 totally f uffed his chances.

Well f nally someone got through to him this week as

he notched up his f rst win since January. And who was the coaching mentor behind Murray’s victory over Radek

IS SHE ALL WOMAN? ATHLETICS: The IAAF have introduced new rules to def ne the line between drug cheats and weirdy androgynous man-woman freaks like Caster Semenya. The rules will be enforced from May 1st and apply to all international events – but especially those that feature women with beards.

Stapenek? None other than boxing knucklehead David Haye. “David and I were in touch by text message the night before my match,” he psychobabbled. “There are people who analyse tennis and tell me to do this and that. I wasn’t mentally in the right place and David got into my head a bit and saw how I felt. He told me I had beaten Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer numerous times.”

And more bad luck was to come when his clubs vanished on a f ight from Georgia to Kuala Lumpur. “It’s one of these things. Going through so many time zones and so many connecting f ights your bags are going to get lost sometimes,” said McIlroy while slitting his wrists.

MAGUIRE HOPS SOUTH RUGBY LEAGUE: Wigan supercoach Michael Maguire is set piss off back to Australia to join South Sydney. And if you’ve ever been to Wigan, you’ll understand why. The Aussie took the Warriors to the Super League title last season but, despite that, will still have the tag ‘second choice’ hanging over him as the Rabbitohs only made a move for Maguire when they were beaten to Wayne Bennett’s signature by the cashed-up Newcastle Knights.

KHAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE? BOXING: Amir Khan has taken a big hit – this time in his wallet. See what we did there? Literary gold, every word. Khan’s world title defence against Paul McCloskey will be shown by pay-perview station Primetime TV after the WBA light-welterweight champion became embroiled in a dispute with Sky. As a result, he’ll get nowhere near the amount he would have received from the purse. “There are going to be times when there are pay cuts,” said Khan, while sitting outside the tube station at Piccadilly with his cap in front of him and a sign saying ‘will KO for food’.

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FOOTBALL

VIEWS

THE ONLY ONE STILL STANDING LOVE him or loath him, there’s no getting away from the fact Alex Ferguson (right) has got it right this season... again. Still in the running for the treble, the Red Devils have been going from strength to strength as the season comes to an end. – Like Carlo Ancelotti, Fergie has plenty of options upfront. He’s got Rooney, Berbatov and Speedy Gonzalez. Unlike Ancelotti though, his players tend to f nd the back of the net. – Like Roberto Mancini, he has had to deal with player dramas, with Rooney’s off-f eld indiscretions and demands for more money. Unlike Mancini his player dramas only last a week and respect is still shown to Fergie. – Like Arsene Wenger, he has been consistent over the years in making it to the top four every season. Unlike Wenger he also makes

sure that involves holding silverware and not just a place. Wenger take note, there comes a time when second place is just not good enough. – Like Liverpool, they hold the record of 18 league titles. Unlike Liverpool, Fergie will make it 19 league titles by the season’s end and Manchester United will be the only team holding the record for most titles won. BBM can sense Anf eld fans cringing at that thought, for they love reminiscing about their history, especially with the results of the last couple of seasons. He’s been banned from the sidelines, f ned for speaking his mind and does what he wants at Old Trafford. But this is Sir Fergie who has been sitting on his throne all season, as he watches everyone else crumble. What BBM wouldn’t give to be in his shoes right now.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK “I feel like a gladiator going into an arena with a toothpick.” Ian Holloway gives a confidenceboosting speech to his underperforming Blackpool team. “I say it is im possible.” Jose Mourinho on rumours he’s set to take over at Man City . “Yes, and I think it would be impossible for me to go to Madrid.” Roberto Mancini responds. “Me to Chelsea? It would be beautiful. I would love to coach in the Premier League, English football fascinates me.” Marcello Lippi has no trouble translating ‘come-and-get-me’ from Italian to English.

- Lorna Evio

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FOOTBALL

NEWS ROUND-UP

THE FUTURE’S BRIGHT-ON After winning promotion from League One last week, Brighton & Hove Albion chairman Tony Bloom has rewarded manager Gus Poyet with a modest target for the 2011-12 Championship campaign. “Next season we will be aiming for the top six,” he trumpeted. Heurelho ‘howler’ Gomes has calmed Spurs’ fans nerves following his f ufftastic performance against Real Madrid in midweek. “This was not my f rst mistake and I know it will not be the last one in my career,” he cheered. Jack Wilshere has put money and silverware at the bottom of his priority list after rubbishing speculation he will quit Arsenal to join Manchester City in the summer. “People are asking if I’m going to Manchester City? I don’t kiss the Arsenal badge and then leave — this club is in my heart,” he roared. England’s f rst ever professional women’s league kicked off (or should that be toe-poked off?) last week. The phrase ‘professional’ is pretty loose though as there’s a salary cap of £20,000 a year and grounds include the 2,500-capacity

Skelmersdale & Ormskirk College Stadium, and the 1,500-capacity Stoke Gifford Stadium in Bristol. The f rst game, a thrilling 3-3 Merseyside derby between Everton and Liverpool, drew a mindboggling attendance of 835. We get the feeling this idea is going to die on its cute arse. The worst football team of the home nations, Scotland, have slipped further down FIFA’s rankings to number 65, having been overtaken by footballing powerhouses Burkina Faso, Albania and Gabon. Another week, another age-related footballing record for pensioner Ryan Giggs who became Man United’s oldest European outf eld player following last week’s match with Chelsea. The ancient record has stood for a mammoth eight years, having previously been held by Laurent Blanc. Leyton Orient have joined Tottenham and Sheff eld United by becoming fans of the increasingly popular past-time of taking West Ham to court. Orient bosses have applied for a judicial review, saying the Hammers’ move to the 2012 Olympic Stadium would have a “devastating” effect on their fan-base. It came

THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE!

a day after Spurs launched a judicial review, claiming a £40m loan to West Ham to fund the move was improper. Rangers fans singing sectarian songs? Easilyshocked Rangers chief executive Martin Bain is “astounded” by the accusation from UEFA, with the Scottish giants now facing a sanction of two home European games being played behind closed doors. Blackburn moved a step closer to the Championship after Ryan Nelsen was ruled out for the season with a crocked knee. And Man City, six points worse off than they were at this stage last season despite spending a gazillion pounds, have lost their only exciting player for their one shot at silverware this season, as Carlos Tevez has been ruled out for the FA Cup semi-f nal against Man United. The FA have realised that tickets for the FA Cup f nal are highly undervalued and have thus bumped up the cost of a top-price ticket by a modest 22 percent - to £115.

with ace pundit Chris Kamara

ONE of the biggest football tournaments for countries and territories not associated with FIFA is the Island Games which takes place every two years.

This year’s competition, which will be held on the Isle of Wight in June, will feature 15 islands including Greenland, the Falkland Islands, Gibraltar, the Isle of Man, Rhodes and Minorca. Since the competition began in 1989 there have been 12 Island Games, with current cup holders Jersey being the most successful team having won a total of three times. Unbelievable Jeff! More pencil-moustached punditry and footballing facts next week folks! 78

WEEKEND FIXTURES Saturday 16th April Barclays Premier League Birmingham City v Sunderland Blackpool v Wigan Athletic Everton v Blackburn Rovers West Bromwich Albion v Chelsea West Ham United v Aston Villa The FA Cup Semi-Final Man City v Man United npower Championship Bristol City v Ipswich Town Burnley v Swansea City Cardiff City v Portsmouth Coventry City v Millwall Crystal Palace v Scunthorpe Utd Hull City v Doncaster Rovers Leeds United v Watford Middlesbrough v Barnsley Preston North End v Sheff Utd Reading v Leicester City npower League 1 Notts County v Bournemouth Carlisle United v Colchester Utd Charlton Athletic v Huddersf eld Exeter City v Leyton Orient Peterborough Utd v Plymouth Arg Rochdale v Brentford Sheff eld Weds v Hartlepool Utd Southampton v Bristol Rovers Swindon Town v MK Dons Tranmere v Dag & Redbridge Walsall v Brighton Yeovil Town v Oldham Athletic npower League 2 Accrington Stanley v Oxford Utd Burton Albion v Cheltenham Bury v Barnet Chesterf eld v Macclesf eld Town Crewe Alexandra v Lincoln City Gillingham v Morecambe Rotherham United v Hereford Utd Shrewsbury T v Stockport Cnty Stevenage v Aldershot Town Torquay United v Port Vale Wycombe v Northampton Scottish Premier League Inverness v Hearts Rangers v St Mirren Sunday 17th April Barclays Premier League Arsenal v Liverpool The FA Cup Semi-Final Bolton v Stoke City Scottish Premier League Hibernian v Hamilton Scottish Cup Semi-Final Aberdeen v Celtic

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FOOTBALL

FEATURE

A THRILLER AT FULHAM WHEN the world f rst learned of Mohamed Al-Fayed’s decision to erect a giant statue of the King of Pop outside Craven Cottage, you could almost hear the noise of thousands of W, T and F keys being simultaneously worn out by baff ed Fulham fans. “Haven’t we suffered enough?” they cried in unison. “We’ve already got Lily Allen claiming she’s a fan. Surely it can’t get any worse?”

Jaws were dropped, gobs were smacked, somewhere in the middle of the Vietnam war Marlon Brando glimpsed a vision of Fulham’s future and enigmatically whispered

Apparently it could. When the statue was off cially unveiled it proved so ugly that even families deemed “too chavvy”

“the horror, the horror…” as Martin Sheen killed him.

for the Jeremy Kyle show were forced to cover their burberryclothed children’s eyes on grounds of taste and decency.

That canny shrew Al-Fayed then tried to woo fans back onside by basically telling them to fuck off and support another club if they didn’t like it. Smooth. And while the local outrage was somewhat predictable (70 percent of Guardian readers rate it as the “ugliest statue in Britain”), it seems Al-Fayed’s

lunacy has even offended Tinseltown stateside with the LA Times saying: “I thought we had some crazy sports owners here [America] but not one of them would have been so unaware and obtuse as to erect a giant statue of a man accused multiple times of child molestation. What’s next? A huge bas-relief of Gary Glitter on the walls of Craven Cottage?” But if Andriy Schevchenko, Ray Wilkins and Fernando Torres have taught us anything, it’s that no matter how much money they have, chairmen are still capable of fucking things right up...

...TOP FIVE POWER-CRAZED CHAIRMEN... TERRY SMITH CHESTER CITY

Before arriving as Chester chairman in 1999, Smith was a successful American football coach. Unfortunately, he still thought he was an American football coach when he arrived at Deva Stadium. So when manager Kevin Ratcliffe resigned three games into the campaign, Smith took over and immediately introduced a raft of twin captains for bizarre ‘Gridiron-inspired’ changes - including naming ‘walkthroughs’ otion slow-m , prayers tch the “offense and defense”, pre-ma to McDonald’s for a of set-piece plays and, famously, taking his players ed. pre-match meal. Funnily enough, Chester were relegat

DMITRY PIETRMAN RACING SANTANDER

After buying the Spanish club purely so he could be a La Liga boss, Pietrman was told he would need to complete a six-year coaching course in order to manage the team. Pietrman wasn’t having that, so instead hired old friend Chuchi Cos as manager and named himself as off cial club photographer. Wearing a snapper’s bib, Pietrman would then sit on a chair adjacent to the Racing bench, taking few pictures but regularly shouting out orders to players and Cos.

MICHAEL KNIGHTON CARLISLE UNITED

Always known as an oddball in football circles after juggling a ball on his head while failing to buy Man United, Knighton outdid himself as chairman at Carlisle by naming himself as manager. Despite Knighton’s impressive credentials - “I’d been a PE teacher, I’d been interested in sports science all my life” - fans were unimpressed as United were relegated and struggled to survive the following season, winning just 19 of his 68 games in charge. 80

BARRY FRY

PETERBOROUGH Former managerturned-chairman, Barry Fry, can’t resist a bit of media attention so when Sky TV asked if he’d appoint Ron Atkinson as a team consultant to manager Steve Bleasdale for a new reality show ‘Big Ron Manager’ he readily agreed. Sky caught a series of clashes between Fry, Atkinson and Bleasdale, including one which sparked the latter’s resignation during a pre-match team talk after Fry told him, “It’s clear that you’re muddled up” and promptly announced a new starting XI and revised tactics.

VLADIMIR ROMANOV HEARTS

The Lithuanian has been meddling with Hearts’ f rst-team ever since taking over six years ago – with his son Roman admitting that no manager would have 100 per cent control of team selection. He said: “One hundred per cent? Def nitely not. Maybe 50 per cent, maybe 60, because there are different reasons for choosing the team.” His most infamous hour came when Hearts began the 2005-06 season with eight straight wins – their best start for almost 100 years. Was Romanov impressed? No. In fact he sacked manager George Burley because he refused to obey the team selections faxed over every week from the Baltics. BBM-604 // WWW.BBMLIVE.COM

SPORT GUIDE

Contents PAGE 80 Football Feature: When the men in suits go bonkers. PAGE 78 Football News: Who’s that Hove-ing into view? It’s Gus Poyet!

80 78 74

PAGE 76 Football Views: With Lorna Evio. PAGE 74 World Sport: Murray f nally wins a game, shocker. PAGES 72 & 73 Scoreboard: All the latest football results and tables.

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