What do you put a price tag on? What value have you put on yourself? Your value matters

BY DOUG COLLINS

I am writing this at a time of economic uncertainty. Our world has begun to question some things it once held as valuable. Sports and Entertainment are on hold; toilet paper is heavily in demand. It all seems a little strange. Yet these examples point to something very crucial to living a well-adjusted life. Understanding our actual, intrinsic value is key to our relationships, interactions with others, and ultimately our happiness.

A solid understanding of our value leads to peace and grace and the ability to weather many storms.

Are others determining your value?

Many people I talk with have a value that fluctuates. That is to say that they receive their value from outside themselves (external locus). This could be the opinions of others (“you’re beautiful,” “I don’t like you,” “you’ve got great taste…” for example), or it could be tied to achievements or failures (winning a game, losing a job, etc.). There is a big problem with this: it is way too subjective. Allowing others to determine my value will leave me constantly scrambling to please others (or fight them) in order to feel good about myself. In the end, I will have trouble being me.

Are you living as if a lie is the truth?

Beyond the daily struggles of receiving and weighing so much input, there is a greater problem. Often people become a product of what others have told them. This is especially true of children and people who have been raised in abusive situations (this includes verbal and psychological abuse). There is an old saying that goes something like, “if you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes truth.” I won’t debate the general veracity of that idea here, but I will say that it applies strongly to the subject of self-worth. Here is the problem: If you are told, for example, that you are dumb long enough, you may begin to believe it. Once you have started to believe it, it is easy to find people and events to support that claim. We tend not to try to refute the negative, and the false narrative becomes an accepted reality. The person who has been told they are dumb begins to believe it. That belief then begins to change their interactions and expectations of themselves in the world around them. “Kara” used to be a victim of this very trap. She was told by school teachers that she was dumb because she displayed signs of ADHD and she was harder to work with than other students. She began to believe it so strongly that no one else could convince her that she was smart. This led to a general apathy in school that eventually developed into a full-on academic malaise. She got bad grades, and those grades reinforced the idea that she was dumb. (This is known as a self-actuating prophesy). Receive the lie and it becomes truth.

I call this Inappropriate Shame (yes, there is an appropriate kind). Inappropriate shame is destructive.

In what ways do you feel “less than?”

Inappropriate shame and the hurt that accompanies it will create anxiety, distrust, and an inability to be at peace. Inappropriate shame is shame conferred on me by the actions or opinions of someone else as a result of anger, thoughtlessness, or their own experiences of hurt. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME. But it produces a place of pain in me that must be guarded. The damage from previous experiences is so great that I cannot let anyone into that protected place in my heart. There are other ways besides feeling dumb where people experience this over-active self-devaluation.

The list is long, and I discover more examples all the time, but generally it includes any way that we perceive ourselves as inadequate. This includes perceptions of: ugliness, too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, fear that our personal hygiene is inadequate, concern that any of a host of personal features is too prominent or embarrassingly different, fear that I talk too much, fear that I have nothing valid to say, fear that I am unlovable, fear that I don’t do enough, fear that I can’t please people, and fear that my dreams don’t matter or may be unrealistic. The key here is fear, and the fear is generated by an overly active level of input from people that fail to see me as valuable. Those voices can become my own internal voice.

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What do you pull back from?

People respond to such input in various ways. Some people react to this with avoidance, they simply withdraw from life. I have known some that refused to participate in various activities because they were sure that it would end with everyone thinking or saying something negative about them. Imagine the person, afraid that they are dumb, who is invited to play a game like Trivial Pursuit. Why would they subject themselves to a contest that will make their knowledge or intelligence (or feared lack of knowledge) so evident to everyone else? Instead they pull back. They sit it out. They don’t apply for the job that they perceive as being too much for them. “Kara,” from the example above, eventually got a job and found out that she was one of the smartest people in her hiring class. The transformation was dramatic.

What triggers a negative reaction?

Others become abusive in an attempt to keep people away from the sensitive part of themselves. (“A strong offense is the best defense”). They may have trouble expressing their deepest feelings for fear they will be made fun of. Sometimes people overcompensate. “Mark” presented himself to the world as gruff and angry. He insulted people in a manner that sounded like joking, but had a bite to it. He was argumentative and even threatening at times. “Mark” had come from a home where rough joking and “put downs” were common. He was unsure of what was true and had little confidence in himself. He feared compliments more than anything because so often compliments had turned into inappropriate shame through a joking additional comment. (i.e. “You did a good job on your homework” and then someone adds, “for an idiot”).

Such moments of hope that are turned into shame can be very devastating. “Mark” eventually worked through his fears and learned to stop the coarse jesting that he was producing. He came to a place of being brave enough to be honest about himself and to be honest with the world around him in a manner consistent with how he wanted to be treated. For Mark, the transformation was gradual and painful, but that is how growth often happens.

How do you project confidence?

Someone with low self-esteem may put on a big show, acting very confident when, in fact, they are frightened that someone may not like them for who they are. Comedian Robin Williams admitted in one of his first televised interviews that he was very nervous in that setting. His zany, almost manic behavior was an outgrowth of his discomfort. In his case people loved it and his popularity soared. (This may have only made the underlying problems worse). He is famous for saying, “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” This, in my opinion, is very telling. For all of his success, Robin had not come to a place of knowing that he was enough. Often times those around us love us, but we have to receive the love. Applause can make us feel

Are you a people pleaser?

Alternately, some may become “people pleasers” - going out of their way (to ridiculous lengths) to make or keep everybody else happy. “Karen” works hard and takes care of others. If there is a food-related event (Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Office food day, etc.), she will be involved. But she won’t just bring her required dish, she will be up until 1:00 am the night before. She will arrive with the required dish, and a batch of homemade cupcakes and a salad that everyone seems to love

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and… She cannot stop. Someone said something like, “Karen, you are the best cook. Where do you come up with these recipes?” or “You are so great. We can always count on you to take care of us.” Positive reinforcement can be like a drug. Those who do not know their value can become easily addicted. “Karen” is still working on this today, but she is beginning to see that she has value without catering to the needs or wants of others. It is enough that she does her part and does not try to do everyone else’s.

What are you agreeing with that you shouldn’t be?

I tell a lot of people, “No one can say anything hurtful to you unless you already agree with it or you are afraid it might be true.”

We all do dumb things, for example, but a singular, unwise act is not enough to classify any of us as “dumb.” Yet if we have been told we are dumb long enough it is possible that we might find a casual remark from someone to be devastating. The lack of self-worth and incumbent poor reactions to feedback can lead to a life that is not fulfilling, empty relationships, a wandering spirit, and even depression. To illustrate those outcomes further, we get to a place where nothing satisfies, we can be in relationships where the “good” feeling only lasts a short time and there is a repeated feeling of loss, and our spirit itself begins to be unable to connect meaningfully to things or people. (Loss of secure attachment). A feeling of resignation or fatalism may take over and hope is gradually abandoned.

Lack of understanding about my value will rob me of truth and depth in all of my relationships.

Are you assessing the facts?

It does not need to be this way. The opposite of what I have been describing so far is called an “inner locus (location) of control” (or evaluation). In this case, my value is determined by things inside me. My thoughts, understanding, and the collected measurements of myself over time result in a perception that is much less influenced by what is outside me. I develop a greater understanding of my value as a result of hundreds and thousands of units of input. (For example, winning the 100-meter dash would tell me that I am not slow, but getting second in the next race would tell me that I am not fastest. It is possible that the data can change with effort or be supported by further measurements). The end result is an ever-sharper picture of who I am that is data-based, not opinion-based, and (hopefully) a greater understanding that my value is separate from this cascade of external information. The goal is to get to a place where I can run and even compete without the need to win. By knowing my value, I can run without fear or pressure to perform. I can also accept losses and set-backs without an emotional crisis.

Not winning the race is an example of Appropriate Shame. Appropriate shame is a recognition of failure to meet a particular goal that helps me to understand truth about myself in a constructive way. (Another form of appropriate shame also keeps us from running around in public without clothes or shouting things in the middle of someone else’s speech). Participation medals rob people of this. There is nothing wrong with being second, or third, or last. Giving something our best effort and being happy for the winner are healthy levels of connection to the contest. Appropriate shame can even sting a little bit. I sometimes refer to what I call “American Idol Syndrome.” That

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is to say that some people think they can sing despite all the evidence to the contrary. They have failed to accept appropriate shame and use it to inform their self-worth. It’s not necessarily an easy path to negotiate for all of us.

So how do I know if I have a good understanding of my self-worth?

A good, general measurement has to do with how we react to input. For example, if I am doing a good thing, feeding a homeless person perhaps, and they snatch the food from me and say something like, “I bet you think you’re something special, feeding us poor people.” I will have a reaction to that statement.

If I am angry, it is a good indicator that I am doing this activity to make myself look good. I am trying to bolster my self-worth through external manipulation. This would indicate that I need or want validation. This response leads me to conclude that I am unsure of my value.

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If I am offended, I am believing that my goodness is obvious. I am trying to project an image that is not available for negotiation and not universally recognized. This would indicate that I have slipped to the other side. I am now creating my own image without regard to anything or anyone else. This response leads me to conclude that I am unwilling to have my value examined – even by me.

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If I can smile while someone else is accusing me of something wrong (that is not true), or assigning me a motive that would paint me in a bad light, it shows a confidence that I have measured my motives and goals in advance. I have asked myself the difficult, related questions. This response leads me to conclude that I have a reasonable understanding of my value, and it is not threatened by an attempt at inappropriate shame.

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Do an honest evaluation A balance of internal and external cues is the best way to gain a clear understanding of who I am in the world. Learning to have a correct view of my value and still listen to trusted sources is important to overcoming feelings of inadequacy and fearful perceptions. Trusted sources or, as I sometimes call them, “Honest Allies” are people in my life whose opinions and perceptions are the epitome of constructive criticism. Their honesty helps me see myself clearly. They have proven over time that they care about me and present a balanced view to me. Years ago I began to say, “Never trust the nicest things your friends say or the cruelest words of your enemies.”

But healthy things like balanced input, Appropriate Shame, and Honest Allies are only a part of the equation. Establishing value has no magic wand. I cannot simply understand all that I have shared with you so far and be cured. The place of questioning my value or underestimating it is a place that I had to come to over time. By similar understanding, having a good sense of my value will also take time. I must begin a process that replaces the bad input with good.

Replacing bad for good

Sometimes that includes replacing people who damage me with people who care about me. I must know that I will have set backs. As surely as I begin to accept myself as valuable, someone will come along to speak ugliness in my direction. I must understand that those who have the greatest access to my life have the greatest impact. I am speaking here of biological connections (i.e. mother, father, siblings, etc.) and emotional connections (friends, spouse, significant other). This is because I hope that these people care about me. If I am to have a reasonable understanding of my value, I may have to accept that these people are the very ones that have damaged it or reinforced the damage others have done. I need distance, social or emotional, from their input. I must identify and listen to my allies.

The only way to combat lies is with the truth.

The more you have been filled up with hurtful words and inappropriate shame, the more truth you will have to receive to replace it, and the greater amount of time and effort it will take. It will be a process. It begins with receiving the understanding that you are more than what you have been shamed into believing.

I must begin a process of good, thoughtful, and thorough evaluation.

I recommend to people that they try writing themselves a letter (in third person, as if from someone else), outlining good and bad characteristics and behaviors. I also recommend doing what I call a fact sheet. Take any feature (character, appearance, talent) and create a ledger. Supporting thoughts on one side and opposing thoughts on the other.

For example, the runner described above. On one side is the fact that they won the 100-meter race, on the opposing side the fact that they didn’t win the next race. Filling the ledger this way may help me gauge the truth about my abilities. But I must also remember to give myself some space. The happiest and most well-adjusted people are those who sing for joy not for talent. They cannot be stopped because their motive is not about self. You are beautiful if beauty is in you, what the outside looks like is only a stumbling-block for those who will not look deeper.

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Where your true value lies

That brings us to the most important thought of all. There is still an underlying level of value that I must understand. I must come to grips with the most foundational thought of the universe. I am loved…and this in spite of me.

In the Bible, there is a story about a shepherd who has 100 sheep. Jesus is telling the story (Matthew 18:10-14), and He explains that if one were lost, a good shepherd would go out and find the one and bring it home. This is an understanding of value. Each of the sheep were valuable. Every. Single. One. Our value is so great that the God of heaven would go completely out of His way to rescue us. He does not rest until we are found. It wasn’t the expensive sheep, or the best sheep, or the most beautiful. It was the missing sheep. The shepherd was not content to have 99% of his flock. He wanted every one to be safe. He had a caring level of concern for each, individual, sheep.

I believe in a logical progression of thought. It is very basic for me. I believe that there is a God in heaven, creator of all. I believe that He allows us the freedom to choose. I believe that He values us so highly that He set a plan in motion before we existed that would lead us to life. He sacrificed His Son, Jesus Christ, for us. If we will accept that we cannot save ourselves or ever find a way to please God from our own actions, we are ready to receive the free gift of salvation.

At that moment, I am in full agreement that the God of the universe places great value in me. He has given His own Son to redeem me. All of this brings me to a place that allows me to know my value and minimize the influence of those outside voices. I stand complete in Him. I stand in a place where I am free to be myself, with all of my good and bad qualities, and be valuable.

I have received the message that I am loved.

…All other input is of lesser value.

Pastor Doug Collins is a graduate of Morningside College with degrees in psychology and religious studies. He has pastored at Radiant Life for the past 10 years.

Radiant Life Community Church 2410 W 1st St, Sioux City, IA 712-899-5562