Female Sexuality

S e x u a l i t y F e m a l e

Sexuality after a Baby

Julie Demers Holistic Pelvic Floor Therapist

Having a baby changed my relationship with almost everything. While I was happy to go back to eating sushi and being able to see my feet again. My body didn’t feel completely mine after birth! Even though I could follow step by step where my body was during pregnancy in books and apps, I was not prepared for what my body would go through after birth. From icepacks to pads to tears, to second-guessing what baby needs, to breast pads, to the difficulty to take time to pee…my life was far from what used to be normal.

When I had a little bit of time to think about myself, I thought about getting my “body back” , after all, isn’t it what we read in magazines. That and “ restoring our sex life” . Should I prepare a to-do list? Is that all part of being a super mom?

Can you relate?

I’ ve been there…3 times! And I have helped hundreds of women reconnect to their bodies postpartum. It is a process, not everyone goes at the same rhythm, but everyone needs to find their new normal.

Adaptation

While everyone has different experiences in pregnancy, birth, motherhood, and relationship to sex, having to adapt to change is a reality for every woman after having a baby. It’s a new normal and there is no turning back. Your body is not responding the way it used to. It needs a little time to readapt. Just like when doing rehab for an ankle sprain. You can’t just go back and run when your mind feels ready! Your ankle needs to be ready too! Your mind and body need that attention during the postpartum period.

Let’s just look at what might be different after giving birth:

Tiredness Hormonal changes Less time for self-care (When a shower feels like self-care!) Not feeling in control of your body:

Urine leaks

Pressure “down there” after sitting or standing for a while

Difficulty holding it until you are on the toilet

Pain

Milk leaks when breastfeeding Mood changes Worries about baby Worries about the needs of your partner

No wonder you feel overwhelmed! Relationships need to be renegotiated, boundaries redrawn! When sex becomes part of the conversation it can be very difficult to find when it should fit in! And sometimes it might even seem easier to ignore until it isn’t anymore.

Let’s talk about sex…

For many women, libido is at its lowest after giving birth and often needs a little care and attention to go back to simple pleasure! While it’s usually mentioned that you can go back to sex when you feel ready after birth, doctors often suggest waiting 4 to 6 weeks regardless of the delivery method. It doesn’t mean you should be ready after 4 weeks! It is not the norm! If you had stitches or a long difficult birth your body is going to need time to adapt. And if you feel it’s going to be painful, your mind will also need time to be able to relax and let go!

Here’s a plan to get you started:

1-Adjust expectations

Sex will be different at first. Your partner will discover the changes in your body and you will also discover how your body reacts to sex. You will need time, without pressure from yourself and your partner( ) to rediscover your body. Do not rush things, allow your mind and body to be in sync with your desire. 2-

Rebuilding intimacy

When you are both sleep-deprived, your time consists of changing diapers, feeding the baby and a shower seems like a luxury, building intimacy might seem like a challenge!

Remember, there is more to intimacy than sex. Talking with your partner about how you feel, your level and energy and how your body feels is important in this new adventure. You both need to understand the other to build a safe space. Until you feel ready for sex, you can maintain intimacy in other ways:

Spend time together (if you can’t leave the baby yet, maybe take a walk while baby sleeps in the stroller)

Hugging

Holding hands

Cuddling

Get Naked! Being skin to skin with your partner can make you feel more connected even if you are just resting.

3-

Make time for yourself Taking care of the baby, and then trying to take care of your couple, will be easier if you take a little more time to take care of yourself too. It doesn’t need to be a long time investment, but a little every day can go a long way. Write a list of things you like to do, and share it with your partner so he can help you make time for it, it could be when the baby is asleep or you could also leave the baby with your partner while you take 1530 minutes to yourself.

This could have been placed first, as you can reconnect with those muscles as soon as you give birth. But they will also be important in your journey back to sex. They are important for orgasm but also sometimes responsible for pain during sex.

The pelvic floor is the set of muscles around your vagina that have been through a lot in the past few months.

The pelvic floor muscles had to hold extra weight during pregnancy and have stretched sometimes to the point of tearing during labor so they need a little attention after baby. (A little like an ankle sprain.)

When you give birth, those muscles stretch and can give you multiple symptoms like pain, soreness, feeling of pressure, in your pelvic area.

Other symptoms coming from the pelvic floor, could be urine leaks, difficulty holding when you need to go to the restroom.

All those symptoms can definitely turn libido off!

Reconnecting with your pelvic floor is the first step to regaining a little control down there and feeling more empowered when having sex.

While you may read to do Kegels, I would suggest starting reconnecting to your pelvic floor with your breath and slowly starting contractions from there.

This type of movement will help with circulation and help to heal. Later these contractions help with orgasm and better control of relaxation and contraction during sex!

If you want to know more about what to do to regain control of your pelvic floor after birth, you can download your guide here: https://www.juliedemers.com/postpartum

You feel ready!

Set the mood

Make sure the mood is right and that you don’t feel rushed. Feeling ready will help you relax and prevent pain from too much tension in your muscles. Foreplay will be important in this period to make sure your body is ready and open. Talk to your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t, and make sure at any point you can say it’s enough. When you have an ankle sprain, you do not go back to running a race right away. You train first, treat it like training for sex!

Lubricate

After giving birth the hormones will be adjusting to your new needs. Vaginal dryness is common. Make sure to have a bottle on hand. Lubricant can reduce pain and help increase pleasure.

Julie Demers

The power is in the position You choose the position. Your “old” favorite position might not seem the right one to get back onto the saddle. Do not hesitate to experiment with what feels right or doesn’t. Woman on top helps you be in control of the depth of the penetration while being on your back might help you relax IF you feel that your partner can go slow and adapt to your sensation. Go as slow as you need! And make sure to discuss that at any point you can just go back to cuddling, kissing, and just touching. Set the expectation low, so you can feel comfortable setting the pace. Let’s problem solve! Pain Pain is very common and can have multiple causes.

The scar from tearing, or episiotomy can be the cause. Sometimes the scar doesn't stretch as much as the rest of the tissues, so it will need a little bit more care. You can massage the scar to help give it less sensitivity and more flexibility. Download the document about how to take care of your pelvic floor after birth here: https://www.juliedemers.com/postpartum Sometimes there is pain because the vagina seems too tight like the muscles cannot relax and open. Again download the document to know more!

Less sensation

Women will complain that they don’t feel much happening down there while having sex. Or they cannot reach orgasm. Often your pelvic floor is the reason for this. Reconnect, and try to feel your pelvic floor muscles when breathing. Try it in different positions like lying on your back, sitting, standing. Those exercises will also help you reduce other symptoms like urine leaks, or the sensation of pressure down there while standing. Instead of doing Kegels every day multiple times per day, without being sure if you are doing it right. I suggest you seek help from a physical therapist who has been trained to treat the pelvic floor.

You can also download the postpartum guide here: https://www.juliedemers.com/postpartum

Low to no libido

Low sex drive is common, after all, your hormones are still adapting, you are tired, you are taking care of a new human, it can be pretty stressful!

Remember, that you are not alone and that it won

’t last forever. Make sure your partner know that too! In the end, everyone adapts to change differently. We all have different birth stories and different expectations. The true key is to give yourself time. Take the time to adapt to your body’s needs, and reconnect with it. Ignoring its signals won't get you where you want to go. Seek help from professionals. Open the conversation with your partner and try to get to know each other as the new human beings you have become. You will adjust and find your mojo together. Love, Julie

Julie Demers

Holistic Pelvic Floor Therapist https://www.juliedemers.com email: julie@juliedemers.com

A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others are determined not be done. —Marge Piercy