Section 2. Explaining Bereavement

Explaining bereavement

Bereavement is something which most people experience at some time in their lives and we all react to it in different ways. Grief, though painful, is not an illness so you need not be alarmed by the feelings and symptoms it sometimes causes. However, you may find the following information helpful.

Grieving is our emotional response to our loss, and may be distressing and confusing. You may feel alone as it may seem that no one really understands how you feel. This is because everyone’s individual experience of grieving is unique and personal to them. We publicly express our grief through mourning, which may include cards, flowers, candles, wearing specific clothing, religious ceremonies and celebrations of life. The funeral is very important and allows us to say goodbye, but is only part of the grieving process.

It can be hard to accept the loss of a loved one. This means you may find yourself trying hard to deny that the death has occurred, so it is not unusual to think you have seen or heard the deceased. In addition, many bereaved people feel strained and physically run down, finding it difficult to eat or sleep. Grief is a time consuming and exhausting experience.

You may suffer from despair and depression, finding that you have lost all interest in living. You may feel there is no point in going on or that no-one else could possibly experience what you are going through. All these are natural reactions to grief and not a sign that you are ‘going mad’, or letting yourself, or your family or friends, down.

As well as feeling sad, you may also experience any of the following – guilt, panic, self-pity and anger – even towards the deceased. If you do feel these emotions, you may think you ought to hide them, but they too are a normal part of the grieving process. 18

Don’t be afraid to share them with a sympathetic listener. You may find yourself feeling hurt, convinced perhaps, that some of your family or friends are avoiding you. Unfortunately this can happen and is probably due to their embarrassment not knowing what to say. So it may be necessary for you to take the first step. Let them know that you need them and their support. It is sometimes very tempting to feel that life would be more bearable if you moved house, quickly disposed of possessions, or refused to see people. There is a very natural urge to avoid painful things.

However, this can make things worse and decisions like these must be given careful thought.

Similarly, bereavement is a time when you may experience very painful emotions. You will need to face these and work through them before eventually beginning to rebuild your life. Do not despair – with the passage of time, when the pain has eased somewhat, you will find yourself being able to remember without being so distressed. This can be a time for you to start taking up life afresh, perhaps renewing old interests or taking up new pursuits. This might seem disloyal to the person who has died, but what has happened in the past is always part of you and is not affected by you enjoying the present.

Grief is a very individual process and we each react differently, so don’t feel that you are in any way abnormal if your grief does not appear to follow the pattern outlined here.

It is important to allow yourself to grieve, but it is also important to take a break from grieving from time to time and eventually to put it aside, even though you will never put aside memories of the one you loved. After the funeral you may think you should feel better, but this is usually not the case because no-one can replace the person who has died. You need to allow yourself as much time as necessary to come to terms with your loss.