How To Become A Berlin Gangster

HOW TO BECOME

Your name

You have a cute name like Thomas or Niels? NO PROBLEM! Not all of us have the privilege of a typical Berlin name like Ahmad, Yusuf or Hasan. You can just ask yourself what sounds dangerous and makes everyone respect you. Instead of lying about your name just add something special. For example “Habibi”, “Kardes” and “Abi” are all great options.

Valuables

Here is list of things you MUST own as a Berlin gangster: Shisha, Hookah, Narghile, Bong Yup I know they are all the same thing. That’s exactly my point. You have to praise the shisha like your lord, wake up with it, go and take it out for a walk, read him goodnight stories before bed and ohh don’t forget about the goodnight kisses. You don’t even need to smoke shisha.

Speaking of which every time you go to a Shisha cafe you have to put all the things in your pocket all over the table. Rather than a wallet full of money just find some Monopoly money and put a bunch of it in your wallet. Instead an iPhone just buy an Apple sticker and put it on your phone. I bet nobody is even gonna realize. Instead of your own car keys just take your parents spare ones and than just lie that you left your car in the gas station if anybody asks.

Tinder 2.0

What better way is there in 2020 to meet new people than in the U Bahn? Make sure you look relaxed and Alpha all the time no matter the environment or situation. There is a seat for 3 people in the U Bahn? Sit in the middle and stretch arms and legs and look inviting to cuddle with strangers. Who knows maybe you will become best friends.

A BERLIN GANGSTER

Deutsche&Albaner (Dolce Gabanner)

We humans use seeing for 74% of the time as the sense to rely on. 15% go to hearing and the other 12% are split among smelling, feeling and tasting. The special about Berlin gangsters is that they are recognized by smell 99% of the time. Key to their smell is the combination of AXE deodorant with 2 Hugo Boss perfumes and to top it off just throw a few sprays of CK one on each layer of clothing to make sure people recognize you before you even reach their sight.

The sacret Walk

Now comes the most important part of your lesson. The “ancient technique which has been passed down for generations”. You have to square up... literally. It will make you look bulked up. It takes many years of intensive training to master the perfect angle.

Attention please

As a Berlin gangster you carry the burdon to show people real music. Usually other people have a very poor choice of music and it is your job to help them by teaching them about “Haftbefehl”, “Bushido”, “Kurdo”, “187 Strassenbande” and many other German rappers. The best way to be a kind soul is by blasting their songs in public spaces. For example when you wait for the bus and you see the old granny joining you, turn up the volume to 100 and play “069” from “Haftbefehl”. They immediately look aggressively towards you: One song and already addicted. By the way if you have a sore throat but still want to grab everyone’s attention while rapping along, a megaphone is always an option.

1 cm too low and you are a beta male that wears cargo pants and listens to Taylor Swift, but 1 cm too high and you look like a bird that tries to fly for the first time. The first step is to put razer blades under your armpits. Now by muscle memory and pain you should be able to hold that position. Every time you bump into a stranger you become stronger, for every kid that falls and starts crying you become a testosterone beast. But be carefull! NEVER WALK TOO MUCH! Training your legs is NOT good for you. It decreases upper body mass and sometimes even your biceps shrink. Never forget: Your T-shirt is like the girl’s yoga pants.

Saskia Vierheilig Mina Brattsti Bache-Mathiesen &