The Firearms That Shaped America, Part 3 of 3 by Ron Jestuccia

Firearms That Shaped America, By Ron Jestuccia Part 3 of 3

The United States of America is polarized, there are many issues that people disagree about, and insert a third general and obvious statement here. One of those issues that people disagree about is guns. For those that may not know, guns are firearms that shoot things at people or other things. The libtards want to take away the guns, but the chad conservatives know that guns are epic. Guns have been a part of American history, and have shaped America. For those who may not know, my alter-ego John Restuccia discussed two firearms that shaped America last year, but never finished the trilogy. So I am here to tell you about the third gun that shaped America.

There have been many firearms that have shaped America, so it is hard to choose just three to focus on. For those that might not know, the fought mostly by 12-year-old soldiers, who shouted insults about the zombies’ mothers as they shot the zombies dead. The 12-year-olds were conservative chads of course, because libtard soy boys that wear fedoras could never handle themselves in combat, even if they were able to get permission to fight from their girlfriend’s boyfriend. The Ray Gun was able to blast zombies unlike any other firearm of the era. For those that may not know, the Ray Gun is a gun that shoots rays. It was the most sought-after weapon by zombie fighters, and the most effective at killing zombies. This makes it a gun that shaped America.

The Ray Gun became perhaps even more important during the “Black Ops” war that followed. The zombies returned, and 12-year-olds once again used the Ray Gun to shoot them dead. Or, uh, whatever happens to zombies when they get shot. I guess they don’t really die, since they’re already dead, right? So how does shooting them do anything at all? I don’t know, but the Ray Gun still gets the job done, because it’s just that epic. Surely a gun that can kill something that is already dead is worthy of being called a firearm that shaped America.

The Ray Gun continued to be the most effective gun at killing zombies, and therefore shaping America, for the following decade. 12-year-old and 30-year-old soldiers alike used the Ray Gun to destroy many more zombies than they could have with other guns. For those that may not know, 12-yearolds are people that have been alive for 12 years, and 30-year-olds are people that have been alive for 30 years. The Ray Gun played an important role in shaping America, and that is why it is a gun that shaped America.

As stated previously, the Ray Gun is a gun that shaped America. Guns are important, and the Ray Gun is an important gun in American history, and that is why it is a gun that shaped America. Its effectiveness at defeating zombies during the “World at War,” “ Black Ops” and other wars in the 2000s and 2010s made it an important firearm in American history. It is important that we fight back against the gun-grabbing libtards so that we can continue to have more guns that shape America in the future. The Ray Gun killed lots of zombies, and that is why it is a gun that shaped America.

“I don’t know, but the Ray Gun still gets the job done, because it’s just that epic.”

two guns that John Restuccia chose to focus on were the Brown Bess and the Colt Peacemaker. Both were very important guns in the shaping of America. For the third gun, I will have to choose something that had a big impact. Something that was widely used, and that was so instrumental in making America what it is today, that one could argue that it even “shaped America.” These are, of course, the qualities that determine whether or not a firearm has shaped America. There is really only one true choice. The third firearm that shaped America is obviously none other than the Ray Gun.

The Ray Gun was first used in the infamous “World at War” war against the Nazi Zombies back in 2008. For those that may not know, “World at War” was also the first war to be

Birds Aren’t Real

By Sara Traynor

Birds. I used to love birds. Being ignorant and in denial of the truth used to suit me. That is... until I received a message from Kathleen Lu and Nora Hines.

I received the message on what I thought would be a run-of-the-mill, lazy Sunday afternoon. I was lying in bed, thinking about doing homework, when my phone buzzed. What I saw would force me to swallow the avian red pill and change my life — for better or for worse.

“As you know, birds aren’t real,” the message from Kathleen and Nora read. “I’d like you to write an article to raise awareness and, possibly, save our nation from their tyranny.”

As I read this message, a crow cawed outside of my window. I shivered. “What do you mean, ‘birds aren’t real’?” I asked, palms sweaty.

“Oh...” they responded. “You don’t know the truth.”

I glanced out my window. A bird flew by. I drew my blinds. “What’s the truth?”

The response: “Are you sure you want to know? You could put down your phone right now, and choose to live your life in blissful ignorance.”

Did I want the truth? The prospect of what it might entail seemed daunting. But, however terrified I may have been, I am a journalist. I must seek the truth at all costs. I swallowed my fear, and, steadying my shaking hands, typed: “Tell me.”

They told me the truth with no hesitation, responding with the quickness of people who have stared into the face of death and lived to tell the tale.

The face of death, as you may have inferred, looks like a bird.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “How could birds be deadly? They’re so cute!” I know this is hard to process, but they’re not cute: they’re imminent threats to our personal freedoms. Birds (as they’re commonly called) used to exist. But they were all killed in the 1950s, and swiftly replaced with drones by the government, so they could keep tabs on all of us. The birds we see today are still those drones — and at any moment, they might strike, mercilessly murdering anyone who questions their authority.

Yes, it seems outlandish. Yes, it’s an absolutely terrifying prospect. I’ll be the first to admit that I was scared out of my mind, and even shat myself a little when Kathleen and Nora first exposed the truth to me. But it’s real. Kathleen and Nora are connected to a larger organization of freedom fighters who dedicate their lives to raising public awareness of this long-buried government conspiracy.

The organization is called “Birds Aren’t Real,” and they have agents all throughout the country. Anyone can join, so long as they’ve been birdpilled. The Bird Brigade has four sectors, all committed to exposing the government’s lies through various creative means.

Each sector represents a different region of the United States, with their own set of monthly activities. Kathleen and Nora, who are a part of Sector 3 (the Northeast region), are required to put stickers up on campus (as some of you may have noticed), as to raise awareness. Every other month, they are given tasks by their sector’s president. Whoever invents the most creative task wins a prize for their efforts against our tyrannical surveillance state.

When I asked what drove them to join this organization of freedom fighters (besides the flying threat to our safety), Kathleen and Nora both agreed on the social aspect. “Birds Aren’t Real” has connected them with people all across the Northeast region. Since COVID has shut down all of our social lives, the organization gave them an opportunity to meet new people, get cool stickers, and receive fun merch — and all while safeguarding our national security.

So, if you’re looking for a way to spice up your life, join the Bird Brigade. At the very least, you’ll meet some new people. And at most— you’ll save the world.

No “birds” were harmed in the writing of this article.