Lets Tik-Talk About TikTok by Not Matt Gagliano

Let’s Tik-Talk About TikTok

By Not Matt Gagliano

Anyone who knows me knows that there is nothing I love more than social media. Any free time I may have I always spend on my phone, scrolling endlessly through the intelligent and thought-provoking content that exists on all social networking sites. There is quite literally nothing I love more in life than posting every little thing that happens in my life online, and getting validation from a bunch of strangers. Well, except maybe ruining someone’s life because they said the word “retard” when they were 5 years old, obviously all ableist pigs like that deserve death, and I love playing a role in taking them down. To be completely honest with you, I don’t know what I would do if social media didn’t exist; probably read a book, or get a job, or something like that. Gross. Anyway, as the self-proclaimed social media expert, I have determined that there is one specific social media platform that is superior to all others: TikTok. Why is TikTok the best, you ask? Prepare to have your mind blown, because I’m about to spit some straight facts. Also, if you like this article, make sure you drop a like and follow me on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Reddit, Facebook, Snapchat, Pinterest, Myspace, and Google+.

The first reason that TikTok is the social media queen is because all of the videos are super short. This is good for two reasons. First, I don’t have to watch the same video for more than a minute, which is very helpful because what if I notice something shiny near me? You really expect me to continue watching a long video when there’s something else going on that I could be caring about? Cringe. If your video is longer than a minute, then clearly it’s made for super smart scientist people or something, because I don’t know anyone that can stay focused on one thing for longer than that. Second, in addition to being easier to watch, shorter videos are also easier to make. If you think about it, a TikTok is essentially just a tweet in video form. Oh my God, that sentence is going to do numbers on the r/im14andthisisdeep subreddit! Essentially what I mean by that is a TikTok video could just be something I thought of while taking a dump, and all I have to do is stick a camera in front of my face, say that random nonsense, and boom, I made content! It’s so easy to make content when I don’t have to put any thought or effort into it, and honestly it’s one of my favorite things about TikTok.

Speaking of making TikTok content without putting any effort into it, have you guys heard of TikTok’s duet feature? TikTok’s duet feature is the best feature on any social media platform. Periodt. What it does is it allows you to take someone else’s video, and

make a video side by side with it, so you can film yourself reacting to it. Honestly, it’s so great that I can just duet someone’s super hilarious TikTok, and spice it up with a video of me laughing next to it. In case you’re wondering, no, this is not just taking someone else’s TikTok and passing it off as original content. I put a video of myself laughing next to it, that means I contributed just as much as the other person did, and therefore I deserve just as much credit in creating that TikTok. Being able to gain popularity by “borrowing” another person’s TikTok is definitely a huge factor in why I love TikTok so much.

As my final piece of evidence, I would like to talk about a real world example of TikTok improving someone’s life. Yeah, you read that right; TikTok is that amazing. Last summer,

I worked as a counselor at a summer camp. My group of campers were between 10 and 11 years old, so most of them either had a TikTok account, or at least knew what TikTok was. There was this one camper, whose name I’m obviously not going to say, (doxing is only ok if you’re doxing someone who hurt someone else’s feelings), who didn’t seem as into the camp activities as the other campers. I tried to talk to her, to see if there was any way I could improve her camp experience, but I was met with a shoulder shrug, as she continued to look disinterested with whatever activity we happened to be doing. The only time I ever saw her genuinely excited to be at camp was at the end of the day, when she was allowed to take out her phone and go on TikTok. That is the power that TikTok has. This camper was miserable when she was not on TikTok, she simply couldn’t enjoy anything unless there was a screen in her face playing videos of people dancing to the same five songs over and over again. It is truly heartwarming that TikTok was able to provide enjoyment to this camper, who, for some reason, seemed to have lost her enjoyment for everything else. If that doesn’t convince you that TikTok is the one true god of social media, then I don’t know what will. Thank you everyone for reading. Don’t forget to like and subscribe, and check out today’s sponsor: The CCP!

The ABCs Of Cancellation

By Our Staff

We here at Binghamton Reboot believe that there are some things that should simply not be allowed to exist in society. After all, anything outside of our leftist ideology is a complete stain on our culture, and those that even think about such ideas should IMMEDIATELY FEAR BEING IN PUBLIC SPACES! Therefore, the best possible thing to do with such problematic things is to rally a mob of people and get them cancelled! So, we decided to prepare a list of things that ABSOLUTELY NEED TO BE CANCELLED, FROM A TO Z!!! We hope you enjoy:

Amerikkka: Is there any way to ignore the blatant, systemic oppression of a good portion of the population throughout our country’s history? To make a better America, the entire thing needs to be cancelled, IF NOT COMPLETELY DESTROYED!

Binghamton Review: For over 30 years the racist, sexist fascists at the Review have been spewing their hateful content at our beloved University. If anyone needs to be cancelled to make this college a safe, welcoming environment, it should be the Review...

Christianity: Not only does Christianity fuel bigotry, racism, and sexism...yeah, that’s it. Religion is stupid and Christianity is the stupidest of them.

Dr. Suess: The “red fish” in “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish” implies that Dr. Suess is a conservative, therefore he must be canceled. It should be “Black Fish, Gay Fish, Trans Fish, Latinx Fish”.

Elephant: The symbol of the most racist political party in America. Republicans, if you’re reading this, stop your cultural appropriation. Elephants belong to Africa and Asia, not America!!

Freedom: If you leave your house for any reason, you WILL kill my grandma. No, it was definitely you, NOT Cuomo! Gender binary: Humans aren’t meant to be put into boxes, and traditional gender roles serve only to please those cisgendered white men in power. Ancient cultures had fluid genders; damn Western civilizations ruined it for the rest of us!

Heterosexuals: How boring, right? Either these folx are some of the most sexually dull people alive or they’re slaves to societal expectations of intimacy and romance. Bring a fursuit and a strapon or get out.

IBM: A racist company, founded by a Nazi sympathizer, that employs Binghamton engineering students. How terrible can you get?

Jeff Bezos: How dare one man create a service so ubiquitous to modern life that national and international commerce would collapse without it? His workers are exploited, even with their $15 minimum wage. Maybe we need to bring that guillotine back to his house? In protest, of course!

Kavanaugh: How did this rapist trust fund kid get to be one of the most powerful members of our entire federal government? We’ll simply be ignoring all of his judicial rulings until the day he dies, which will be a wonderful day.

Landlords: Imagine being so lazy that you only make your money off of people that cannot afford land. There’s absolutely no risk involved in acquiring private property; who says any one person should “own” it? Mao had the right idea.

Microaggressions: It’s the current year. Watch what you say and how you act against historically marginalized populations. We didn’t think this had to be said in *the current year*, but it bears repeating.

Nancy Pelosi: She’s horrible, but we hate her for different reasons than those deplorable Republicans. Saying that the Democratic party is fundamentally capitalist, stalling the clear grassroots progressive movement in America, and simply being in office well into her 80s means that Pelosi is the one thing between fresh, eager activists and real change.

Oompa Loompas: Orange men bad!

Penises: Society has progressed beyond the need for cisgendered men. Let’s keep a few around for furthering the human race and sterilize or disenfranchise the rest.

Qanon: Need we say more? These horrible people are anti-science, conspiracy-touting maniacs (ableism suspended for the moment). They desecrated the halls of our democracy and put everything we’ve worked for at risk with their lies. Plus, ALL REPUBLICANS AND LIBERTARI-

ANS BELIEVES IN QANON!!!!!

Reverse racism: How do you cancel something that doesn’t exist? Easy: repeat that it doesn’t exist. Keep in mind, especially white people that claim reverse racism is real, that racism’s LITERAL definition is “power plus privilege”. White people are the only group in today’s world with overall privilege, therefore it isn’t reverse racism, it’s PREJUDICE, which is SO much better...

Silence: It’s violence. If you’re not standing up for the downtrodden, you’re actively enabling oppressors. Never stop revolting against systemic oppression. Tommy Gagliano: Tommy has a history of publishing racist, sexist and generally offensive material...hold Tommy Gagliano and his writers accountable under the hate speech and Binghamton publication expectations of the student conduct handbook.

Ultimate, Smash Bros.: One of the people who played this game competitively turned out to be a pedophile. Therefore, anyone who plays this game must be a pedophile. This game has also been the topic of two Binghamton Review articles, so clearly it is also racist. We honestly don’t know which is worse. Please take a shower.

Volcels: These bigots claim that they abstain from sex because of their “Morality” but we all know that they’re doing to so they can refuse sex to trans people. How dare they commit these violent acts of transphobia!

White people: Even after acknowledging one’s own privilege because of one’s skin color, a white person cannot be truly free of the inherent violence that their existence means for BIPOC and AAPI folx. The best hope for them is to make constant apologies for their race and give financial help to marginalized communities.

Xenophobia: This bigoted attitude led to the humanitarian crisis at the southern US border. In fact, its the main reason we even HAVE borders. Therefore, we must IMMEDIATELY CANCEL BORDERS!

Youtube: This social media site is home to racists such as Ben Shapiro, Stephen Crowder and Dave Rubin. If you use it, only stick to bread-tube and Contrapoints.

Zionists: Fueled by colonizers in the wake of the two World Wars, Zionists stole the land of Palestine from its rightful inhabitants. BDS for lyfe! We’re sure this movement couldn’t possibly have antisemitic undertones at all...