by Charles Forman Binghamton Students Badby Madeline Perez

Binghamton Students Bad

By Madeline Perez

Hey you! Are you a student who goes to the University of Binghamton? Well, listen up because I’m about to lay down some HARD TRUTHS that some of you just might not be able to handle. The most pressing one is this: Binghamton students as a whole need to learn to simply be better people.

Are you struggling with the transition from the in-person educational system you knew and grew up with your whole life to online schooling? Well, checkmate, fellow peers and classmates, because last time I checked, online school was actually easier. Forget about the eye strain and headaches and backaches you’ve been getting from looking at your laptop for over 9 hours every day. Literally, just take Advil. Or buy blue light glasses. Or buy a better back. If you can’t learn while feeling like you’re watching a video of some rando doing five practice problems for two hours and calling it a day, it’s clearly a problem of your intelligence. And yeah, so what if the curriculum got harder? We know you dirty birdies are just cheating every chance you get, so now every student must be tested at the level as if they are already cheating. No, obviously this would not incentivize cheating. Idiot.

Never-ending coursework should not worry you if you’re managing your time well. If your instructor is unclear on what they expect, in turn you can’t start the paper until they decide to respond. Just figure it out on your own, dumbo. Oh, boo hoo, the baby can’t do their math- and science-based homework because the concepts are hard enough to grasp when in person, let alone through online learning. Just go to office hours! What’s that you say? Office hour sessions are consistently filled with upwards of 8 people and due to this, you can never get sufficient one-on-one help? Just read the online textbook. It worked for me! I’m sure you have the time to reteach yourself concepts you already can’t understand. Speaking of time, you lazy fucks have the gall to complain about not having enough breaks from your intense, eye-straining curriculum when it’s clearly a mistake in your own time management. You already got Saint Patrick’s Day (“rejuvenation day” to the libs); what’s next? The month of April? I don’t think so, kid. Maybe you should be like me, and simply learn to be better.

You stinky Binghamton students are always whining, “Waa, I have legitimate mental health concerns only augmented by this time of intense stress and worry both for my health and the health of my loved ones.” Well, it seems to me that you haven’t read your class syllabus, buster. It clearly states in nearly every class syllabus that there are “resources on campus” to help you. What’s that? The counseling center put you on a waitlist? You have serious problems that don’t go away after you talk about them? None of these “resources” can even begin to alleviate the horrific stress you face on a daily basis? Welp, tough luck, kid, because thems the breaks. Back in my day, you just had to routinely leave class and miss out on your education to throw up and have panic attacks in the bathroom. There was none of this PC “students struggling with mental health concerns need better quality accommodations and help” garbage. Have you tried not having an anxiety disorder?

If you don’t have a dining hall, that’s literally on you. Suck it up, buttercup, because sometimes life gives you challenges, and sometimes your college takes away your source of food. I always hear vegetarian and vegan students complaining, “Waa, the dining halls aren’t serving nutritionally sufficient foods to supplement my diet so I must either eat unhealthy garbage that makes me feel like shit or starve on the 5 baby carrots the dining hall charged me two dollars for.” First of all, LOL vegans are cringe. Secondly, just change your diet?? It is so easy to just denounce the ethical/religious systems that constitute your beliefs. Also, if it’s so bad, just use the unreliable buses to take you to the nearest Walmart to do your food shopping, and use your non-existent free time to cook for yourself. Did you know that every dorm building has one stove? And forget about the dining plan you paid nearly $3,000 for this semester that will not be partially refunded. Just forget about it.

Stress management is super easy. You just have to keep powering through and ignore your feelings, like I do. Ever heard of the phrase “roll with the punches?” However, this is not without consequence. Sometimes, you may feel yourself getting very sleepy, your temples throbbing from looking at a screen for so long. You may put aside your laptop and hold your head. “Strange,” you may think. You can’t focus on work anymore…You can’t…seem to focus on anything… The room may fade around you, the noise and bustle of the outside world reduced to a low hum. There’s no harm in resting for a moment, right? To forget about your classes for tomorrow? To stop thinking, if only for a moment, for your work of today? It’s not really your choice. You may feel unconsciousness, like lead in your veins, pulling you down to the bottom of a warm, cozy lake. It might hurt, this break from yourself. This retreat into your own head, leaving the shell to work, leaving the body to deteriorate. Why should you care, though? You’ll be living in the soft fuzz. The world is muffled here and couldn’t touch you if it tried. The stress of daily living can’t affect you because that’s not really you. You may feel the spirit of hard work and education fully possess your body and, like a switch, you may lose all sensation. Until you come back. That is, if you ever decide to come back. Surely nothing bad can come of this.