BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXXIV, Issue VIII Matt Gagliano
Managing Editor Madeline Perez Copy Desk Chief Joe Badalamenti
Business Manager Dillon O’Toole
Social Media Shitposter Arthur O’Sullivan
Editor Emeritus Jake Schweitzer
SEX SURVEY RESULTS
PAGE 8
by Our Staff
3 Editorial 4 Advice Column
by Matt Gagliano by Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
Contributors
5 Sex Word Search by Our Staff 6 IS VIRGINITY REAL?? by Madeline Perez 10 Sleeping With Your Clone: Is it Ethical? by Matt Gagliano 12 The Death of Comedy: Tucker Carlson and the Green M&M by Heart Oh-So-Lovin’
Special Thanks To:
13 The Economics of... Sex? by Siddharth Gundapaneni 14 The Lonliness Epidemic by Julius Apostata 15 The Pipeline of Perversionby Mister B
Staff Writers
Charles Forman Siddharth Gundapaneni Evelyn Medina
Julius Apostata Heart Oh-So-Lovin’ Mister B Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
Vol. XXXIV, Issue VIII
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
Welcome everyone, to the Sex Issue. We know that you’ve been waiting for Binghamton Review’s undisputed best issue of the year. And how could you not? It’s Valentine’s day (or a few days after it), which means that you most likely have one of two things on your mind: planning a nice romantic evening with your significant other, or how many times your lonely ass can jerk off in one day. Either way, make sure you take some time out of your “busy” schedule to read this new issue of Binghamton Review; I promise, it’s worth it. We all know why you’re here, there’s no point in denying it. Yes, we do have the results from the Binghamton Review 2022 sex survey on pages 8 and 9. Allow me to do a quick analysis of the results in comparison to previous years. Firstly, the virgin numbers are down from 40% last year, to 30% this year. I would kindly ask that you please stop calling us a bunch of virgins, as clearly there are many Binghamton Review members that are engaging in the sexual intercourse. As you probably would have assumed, almost all-male Binghamton Review members have a large penis, with the one small penis intruder from last year still sticking around. Don’t worry, dear readers, we will soon find and eliminate this imposter. There are a few new questions that we added to the sex survey this year, including circumcision status, pussy size, and whether or not the survey participants would have sex with me. In case you were curious, 100% of respondents said that they would, in fact, have sex with me. As if there was ever any doubt. While the sex survey may be the highlight of this issue, it does still contain articles, believes it or not. Good articles too, ones that discuss really important topics, such as Madeline Perez’s “IS VIRGINITY REAL??” on page 6. In case you can’t tell, she discusses “virginity” and “society” and stuff like that. If you think that’s too vague of a description, just read the damn article yourself. Were you attracted to this issue based on the cover? Who are we kidding, of course you were. In that case, I’d recommend checking out “The Death of Comedy: Tucker Carlson and the Green M&M” by Heart Oh-So-Lovin’ on page 12. It should give you all the information you need to satisfy your insatiable lust for the green M&M. And of course, this wouldn’t be an editorial if I didn’t promote my own article. Read “Sleeping With Your Clone: Is it Ethical?” by Matt Gagliano on page 10. I struggled for a while to write this, so if no one reads it I’m going to be real sad. You don’t want me to be sad, do you? DO YOU?
Sincerely,
Matt Gagliano Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
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ADVICE COLUMN
Advice Column
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By Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
I
offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“How do I stop being so horny all the time? (I am horny ALL THE TIME)” I think you should try a little thing I invented called “pavlovian conditioning.” Attach yourself with electrodes, and every time you see something arousing or feel this “horny” you speak of (couldn’t be me), you’re going to have to have someone shock you. By the time you’re done, you’ll have effectively replaced “horny” with “fear,” which will probably put you in some dangerous situations later on. Also, don’t watch A Clockwork Orange. That won’t help you with this. “What should I do if I’m in love with the managing editor?” If you’re in love with me, you should probably buy me chai tea. We can play UNO until you realize I am REALLY not the right person to be in love with. Suddenly, in the throes of disappointment, we will develop an unsuspecting friendship, which will be nice for around 3 months, as over time you will come to resent me. By the time you come to terms with these hateful feelings, I will have already prepared to dispose of you. Goodbye, old friend. Goodbye. “Am I a sex addict?” If you have to ask, you definitely are. But don’t fret! You can either embrace your addiction and delve further down that rabbit hole, or you can seek treatment. Writing for the Bing Review should cure that problem right away! “About two times I have been denied access to the union bathroom due to the “refilling of the condoms.” Why does this happen? “ This happens because I’ve been compulsively stealing the condoms out of those bathrooms. Then I sell them at market price to the gullible freshmen who actually believe they’ll be losing their virginity before the condoms expire. “Remember me as you pass by, as you are now, so once was I.” “Is it worth it to just marry an old, lonely, rich person and collect the inheritance money when they die?” Absolutely! Despite the obvious downsides (i.e. the fact that they are old) there are actually benefits to pursuing old, lonely, rich people. One, since they are old, you will be able to spend nights partying and gobbling glizzies galore because they will be going to bed early. They’re also really forgetful, so they won’t even remember that is was you that slowly poisoned them over the course of a year. At that point, you can
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go about your now richer life or you could pursue more old, lonely people to increase your wealth status. Happy hunting of those cougars or silver foxes, sport. “I only have one way to relieve stress, sadness, and help my headaches, which is by ‘jerkin-it,’ which I do multiple times a day. Do I masturbate too much and, if so, what are other ways to help these ailments?” First of all, there is no such thing as “too much masturbating,” unless you fuck up and pull a Louis C.K. Either way, you should probably have some backup stress-relief strategies in case you ever lose your hands in some freak explosion. Maybe try lighting a candle, taking a bath, and drinking a Danimal’s yogurt drink. Alternatively, you could enjoy a different type of good nut, such as a “pistachio.” For your headaches, you could try opiates. I hear they have ensnared the nation with their effectiveness. And lastly, for sadness… if I knew I probably wouldn’t be running this advice column right now. “What’s the best way to spend Valentine’s Day if you aren’t in a relationship? Asking for a friend.” Well, I’d tell “your friend,” that they sound like a lonely mfer. They should probably spend Valentine’s Day planning the best route to leave their sad, sad, lonely life and find a farm upstate to relocate to. “I kinda blew it with my crush (pun intended). How do I stop missing them?” Did you blow it hard (see what I did there)? If yes, and if you did fuck it up beyond repair, I would try and focus on something else to distract you. Personally, my favorite distraction is watching the movie Aladdin and laughing hysterically at everything Iago says. “If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers. Bam! Whack!” Holy shit. I lose my mind. “I have been feeling very insecure about my penis lately but my friends say I have nothing to worry about… So I ask you this; What is the ideal penis size?” I think I’m gonna give this one to the men, since I’m only a woman and have never heard of this “penis” creature. “All penises are ideal” - Matt “Does size really matter? Personality should be more important. Also, 5 inches.” - Dillon “4/35” - Joe “You know what they say - go big, or go home” - Arthur. Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.
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SEX WORD SEARCH
Sex Word Search By Our Staff
WORD BANK: Cum Threesome Orgasm
Clit
Intercourse
Girlcum Pegging
Stiffy Submissive
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Masturbating Fornication Dominant
Edge Virgin Switch
Smash Cunnilingus BDSM
Girth
Feet
Mommymilkies Syphillis
UTI
Pussy Dilf Cuck
Cocknballs Piss
Squirt
Fondle
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IS VIRGINITY REAL??
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IS VIRGINITY REAL?? By Madeline Perez
V
irginity. Chances are you’ve been haunted by this concept in some way or another. Maybe you’ve been taunted by the metaphorical or not-so-metaphorical children of the playground, circling you like some foul ethereal vulture, tormenting you with cries of “Virgin! Virgin! You’ve never had sex, loser!” Or maybe you’re still disturbed by images of the goblin-esque creep, asking you your purity status while seething behind a wall of Discord DM’s. Maybe you wanted your first time to be magical, and in the fantasy, forgot to consider the limitations of reality and your own psyche. When the time came, the performance pressure got to you and you snapped, triggering low self-esteem, regret, and nothing less than a string of child murders; killer still at large.
“Doesn’t the concept of virginity just exist in our minds, kind of like how my relationship with Jessica Rabbit only exists in my mind?” Whatever the case may be, when I look around, I see people hurt by this concept. And whom does it help? Maybe the insecure girls who want to feel like they still have something special to give away. The anxious teen boy who, in a way, wants to feel a bit superior to his inexperienced friends. Maybe the low-confidence men or women who want to target people with no experience, since they would have nothing in which to compare, and it feels weirdly special to them to be with someone who has never been with others. While this may seem like an unfair generalization, I will be making the argument
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that our current social take on purity is harmful to everyone - not just women - and that by redefining our view of sex we can mitigate this harm. Hopefully while keeping the positive aspects of “virginity” as we know it. The titular query of this article poses the very important question: Is virginity real? In simple terms, yes. Welp, that was easy. Article over. You all can go home now, and yes, I can validate your parking. But wait. Sure, the concept is real, but how “real” is that? Doesn’t the concept of virginity just exist in our minds, kind of like how my relationship with Jessica Rabbit only exists in my mind? If we all collectively thought differently about this concept, then its social utility would change. Couldn’t it become something else entirely? Or is there some sort of concrete example of “virginity” that exists on its own?– aside from Bing Review members, that is.
“Trees exist.” Trees exist. You can perceive a tree and even when you’re not perceiving it, it doesn’t give a shit. It’s a tree. Now, our perception of trees is metaphysical. What is and what isn’t called a “tree” is a matter of the linguistic and scientifically categorical definitions that help us (society) think about things in scopes larger than their bare existence. In turn, your idea of what is and isn’t called a “tree” is a social construct, However, just because something is a social construct doesn’t mean it’s not real—it just means it doesn’t fully exist on its own apart from our societal perception and prescriptions thrust upon it. When people say things like “gender” or “money” are social constructs, this is what they mean. Sure, the money itself exists and you can touch it or lick it or shove it into the crevice of some stripper, but our perception of its value and use is a construct that can change or cease to exist if and when the zombie apocalypse comes.
Virginity is a construct that exists in the great collective consciousness(as opposed to Carl Jung’s collective unconscious. Sounds like a sleepover, huh). If it were erased, our definition of “virgin” (in this case, people who haven’t yet had straight penetrative sex) will still exist, but drawing attention to their belonging in some sort of group would be as arbitrary as any other trait. “Group A are those who have owned an air fryer, and group B will be people who have clearly, never owned an air fryer.” We don’t have arbitrary grouping and words centered around other sexual or romantic activities, so why is “peepee go in hole” so important to us?
“A new insult for inexperienced men who, for their own reasons, haven’t dipped their disco stick into the alluring honey pot of some willing female.” You’re smart. You probably know where I’m going with this. To make a long story short, the concept of virginity has historically been used as a stand-in for a woman’s morality. Virgin = good, non-virgin = evil wench. Back in the day, to be sure a child was his, men would take up virgin brides, no doubt also allured by the fact these women were untouched in a culture where chastity was such a virtue. This still remains, in part, today, but the
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social utility has all but died out. The idea that women have something special that they can “lose” if they make the wrong decision is absurdly harmful and creates unneeded shame and pressure around having sex. And, like many of these gendered problems pervasive in society, we see a perverted flip-flop of the problem on the other side of the coin, though many would say it’s not as severe. A new insult for inexperienced men who, for their own reasons, haven’t dipped their disco stick into the alluring honey pot of some willing female.
“Mans is too busy playing GTA IV and listening to Radiohead to even entertain the thought of pussy.” Now that times have changed and we no longer need a category to increase a woman’s dowry, why has the original concept of virginity persisted? Aren’t there other ways to have sex rather than just repeatedly jamming a steel rod into the metaphorical pit of quicksand? To that I say - yes! I’ve been so confused lately. So if a virgin is someone who has never had sex, why does only vaginal penetrative sex count? What about anal? Or oral? Or some sort of mutual Twister™-esque hand-job sesh? While these things can be specified as “anal-sex” or “oral-sex,” it should simply be sex. And a sex so powerful that it can alter your virginity status, at that (that is, assuming we’re not throwing the baby out with the
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IS VIRGINITY REAL?? baby water). I simply don’t think it’s right to so narrowly define something so diverse. Are lesbians and gay men restricted to a life of narrow-sense virginity because they don’t meet the criteria for “losing it?” I’ve heard that it just doesn’t count for them - and why not? If we as a society are going to create these great parameters for the virgins and non-virgins, isn’t it unfair to keep so many people in the purgatorial grey area? No one wants to be there. Going to the doctor for a yearly check-up gets very confusing very fast. “Are you sexually active?” Well yes, but uuhhh, no… so, ummm. Maybe? Not in the way that you’re asking, doc.
“It’s all over the place: freshly 18-year-old co-ed gets taught sex-ed, watch me turn this lesbian girl straight with my massive schlong, barely-legal teen makes a balloon animal with his conk, I could go on all day.” As mentioned before, there is a rift in how virginity negatively affects the genders. This is cultural knowledge that you no doubt are familiar with. Virginity for women is something they are urged to hold on to for as long as they’re able to not put out, but for men it’s a hot potato they should get rid of as quickly as they can. This isn’t always the case, but it’s a general trend; one wound that I believe has been trying to heal itself for a while now. I honestly don’t care about exactly how much sex one should be having. All I care about is whatever standard you create is held equally to men and women because, and not to be gaslight-y here, this is all
in our heads. If we simply stop thinking it’s bad for women to have loads of partners but good for guys, as a rule, we should see an evening out which, let’s face it, we kind of need right now. Have you SEEN the skyrocketing virginity rates for guys right now?? Mans is too busy playing GTA IV and listening to Radiohead to even entertain the thought of pussy. There is an acute obsession with young virgin women. Plain and simple. You see it all the time on porn sites, not that I have a clue what those are. What am I talking about again? Oh yeah. It’s all over the place: freshly 18-yearold co-ed gets taught sex-ed, watch me turn this lesbian girl straight with my massive schlong, barely-legal teen makes a balloon animal with his conk, I could go on all day. There is clearly a sexualization of youth, naiveté, and submissiveness in women, which ties into why the perceived importance of virginity refuses to disperse. What do we do from here? How do we change things from here in a world of blind traditionalists pointing at a dictionary and screaming “BUT– BUT– THAT’S NOT WHAT IT REALLY MEANS! YOU CAN’T REDEFINE WORDS!!” That’s where you’re wrong, Ben Shapiro underlings, because words are meant to serve us, and not the other way around. I propose a change - a world where the shorthand use of “sex” can mean any sort of sexual activity you had with someone else. A world where “virginity” adjusts itself to either fit this all-encompassing definition of sex or awkwardly leaves the common vernacular as one would a party with no Dorito bowl. A world where the concept of virginity itself doesn’t possess half as much societal stress as it does today. But I think we’re already getting there as a culture, making this whole article just about as obsolete as a dental dam. Those are the things toothy beavers build, right?
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SEX SURVEY RESULTS
Sex Survey Results
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By Our Staff
E
very February, we here at Binghamton Review follow a traditon typically held among most campus publications: the sex survey. This survey was sent out to the good people of the Binghamton Review listserv, and these are the responses we received:
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SEX SURVEY RESULTS
We also asked for any weird or unual turn-ons, here’s what people said: Submissive men Being dominant, tying up partner, blindfolding/bondage You’re lucky I don’t have a foot fetish Binghamton Review I want to be collared and leashed and put in my place by someone who loves me Mummies (the undead kind) No, but every time I walk into a room I get carried out by a large wave of vagima [sic] juice, so I suppose I could say I AM an unusual turn-on I am a thigh guy Unfortunately being treated really poorly A woman who can cook, clean, manage the house, embraces god, and is willing to conceive and raise several children Deflation Mommy Milkie
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SLEEPING WITH YOUR CLONE: IS IT ETHICAL?
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Sleeping With Your Clone: Is it Ethical? By Matt Gagliano
L
et me tell you a story, a tragic story of a man who just wanted to come up with a good idea for an article to write for Binghamton Review’s Sex Issue. As you may have guessed at this point, that man was me. For many days I laid awake at night, haunted by my inability to come up with any ideas for my next masterpiece (also maybe the chronic insomnia?). I turned to my Binghamton Review peers, desperate for a crumb of inspiration. Alas, I found none, and eventually settled on an idea that was derivative of something I’ve already written, and one I was not all that interested in: which car from the movie Cars is the most fuckable. While I’m confident that I could’ve produced a well-written page from this idea, it simply never made me feel anything; I would be writing it for the sake of writing, and not because I was genuinely excited about exploring the topic. I was all but ready to sit down and crank out this boring, uninspired article until something magical happened last night. I was talking with my girlfriend, and we were both very tired, so naturally, the conversation consisted of a bunch of random nonsense. At a certain point, she asked a question, a mind-blowing question, an Earth-shattering question that would stump even Socrates himself, a question that would lift me out of my article topic deficient state: “If you had a clone, would you have sex with it?” Naturally, my response was “What the fuck are you talking
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about?” but the more the conversation went on, the more questions that were raised. Would it be gay to fuck your clone, or would that constitute masturbation? Would it be considered incest? And, of course, the age-old question, if you could suck your own dick, would that make you gay? Well, ladies, gentlemen, and deer, these questions are exactly what I seek to answer today.
“If you’re looking for a real-life example, just take a look at the Property Brothers. Everyone knows they’re absolutely doing it when the cameras are off, and they’re gay as fuck.” Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? When originally asked the question of whether or not I would have sex with a clone of myself, my initial response was that I would not, as the clone would be a man, and therefore having sex with him would make me gay. My girlfriend, who very enthusiastically claimed that she would have sex with her clone, then tried to defend her position by claiming that having sex with a clone of yourself would qualify as masturbation, and therefore wouldn’t be gay. At first glance, this argument appears to make sense, after all, the hole you’d be jamming your fuck stick down would be genetically identical to your own, thereby making it your hole, right? And if you’re shoving sausage in your own holes, then that wouldn’t be gay, that would just be an advanced form of jerking off, right? WRONG! Why’s that, you may ask? Well, allow me to answer your question with a question: if identical twins of the same gender do the dirty, would that be gay? The answer is yes, obviously, as two different people of the same gender would be having sex; not that I need to explain the concept of gay sex to our reader base. If
you’re looking for a real-life example, just take a look at the Property Brothers. Everyone knows they’re absolutely doing it when the cameras are off, and they’re gay as fuck. Identical twins share the same DNA, much like you would with your clone. Most normal human beings wouldn’t consider fucking an identical twin masturbation, so the same logic must be applied to your clone, meaning that it is, in fact, gay to have sex with a clone of yourself. At least, that’s what it seems… I guess you’re just going to have to keep reading, the ending may shock you. Now then, we’ve established that slinging schlong with your clone would be gay, but believe it or not, there are real, unironic gay people out there, so what about them? Are they free to have as much gay clone sex as they want without any moral implications? Well, that brings us to our next question, would having sex with your clone fall under the umbrella of incest? According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of incest is “sexual intercourse between persons so closely related that they are forbidden by law to marry.” Yes, I did look up the dic-
“So, basically what we learn from this is that whenever someone tells you to go fuck yourself, they’re basically telling you to commit incest. Fucking degenerates.” tionary definition of incest for the sole purpose of writing this article. You can almost always tell when I’m writing a Review article, as my search history contains weird shit like “incest definition,” “communion wafer weight,” and “Dr. Mario hardcore POV porn.” Anyway, based on that definition of incest, in order to determine if sticking it in your clone qualifies, we must first determine whether or not a clone of yourself would be “forbidden by law
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to marry.” Now, believe it or not, not much comes up when you Google “is it legal to marry a clone of yourself,” however, there are many results as to whether or not it’s legal to marry yourself. I don’t know what kind of self-absorbed incel would say “screw other people (figuratively, obviously they’re not into that in the literal sense), I’m just going to marry myself,” but apparently it’s a thing, and according to H&P Law, it’s not legal in the United States. So, basically what we learn from this is that whenever someone tells you to go fuck yourself, they’re basically telling you to commit incest. Fucking degenerates. Also, since your clone is basically just you, you legally cannot marry it, and therefore sexual actions between you and your clone would be considered incest. Now, at this point you may be like, “Hold on a minute there, buddy, both of the conclusions that you just came to (not sexual) support your initial claim that you wouldn’t have sex with your clone. Seems like you’re a little biased here.” To that I say, firstly, we are not “buddies,” I likely don’t even know who you are, and second, just because I’m proving my initial position to be correct, doesn’t mean I’m biased. It just means I’m smart as hell and thoroughly thought through (tongue twister totally unintentional) my initial response to make sure it was the correct one. There is one question that I have yet to answer though, one question that is seemingly unrelated to everything we’ve been talking about, but might just end up blowing this whole article wide open (pun absolutely intentional). If you were physically able to suck your own dick, would doing so be considered gay, or just mastur-
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SLEEPING WITH YOUR CLONE: IS IT ETHICAL? bation? Now, this is a tricky one. This one can’t be determined based on dictionary definitions or real world similarities. Or can it? The dictionary definition of masturbation (once again according to Merriam-Webster) is as follows: “erotic stimulation, especially of one’s own genital organs, commonly resulting in orgasm, and acheived by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies.” Holy
“If you don’t remember that, you haven’t been reading closely enough and I demand that you start from the beginning and read it properly this time; this is important information after all.” shit Merriam-Webster, why is that definition so long? It’s almost longer than my penis! Which you would know is saying a lot if you’ve seen the Sex Survey in the middle of this issue. Shameless self-plug aside, this long, boring, very professional sounding definition, clearly written by someone who has never even been within six feet of pussy, basically boils down to this: masturbation is when you make the feel good happen in the peepee region by yourself, a concept which I’m sure is very familiar to our readers. Based on this, sucking your own dick would qualify as masturbation, seeing as you would be doing it yourself like the sad, virgin loser you are. I’m still going to bully you for trying, but unfortunately, I will have to come up with more creative insults than just screaming “GAY! GAY!” at you over and over again. If you’ve been paying attention, you may remember me saying that the result of that last paragraph would have major ramifications in the whole clone-fucking debate. If you don’t remember that, you haven’t been reading closely enough and I demand that you start from the beginning and read
it properly this time; this is important information after all. If you do remember that, then good job, you always were my favorite reader. Anyway, yes, the whole “sucking your own dick isn’t gay” thing does indeed have an impact on our earlier clone sex discussion. You see, earlier I stated that it would be gay to fuck your clone despite the DNA similarities because you’re both the same gender, using identical twins as an example. With the new information that we have just gained, it would seem as though this was incorrect. The difference here is that twins are still two different people; they have different names, different social security numbers, and different brains. You and your clone would not be. Earlier, I was looking at the argument through a genetic lens only, I failed to consider the personal identity angle. Your clone is quite literally you, and therefore any sexual actions between you and your clone would be “erotic stimulation, especially of one’s own genital organs,” or, by definition, masturbation. Ladies and gentlemen, a first: it seems that I was wrong. After a long road of “research” and philosophical discussion, it seems that I owe my girlfriend an apology; having sex with a clone of yourself would not technically be gay. It would still be incest though, which is way, way worse. Fuck you, I’m always right! Muahaha!
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THE DEATH OF COMEDY: TUCKER CARLSON AND THE GREEN M&M
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The Death of Comedy: Tucker Carlson and the Green M&M By Heart Oh-So-Lovin’
W
elp, it happened. According to the libsTM, Tucker (you can’t cuck the Tuck, unless you’re Russia) Carlson posted cringe? Apparently— get this—he talked about the M&M redesign. Boy, I sure am glad that EVERY left-wing news outlet, commentator, and “comedian” is here to inform me that yes indeed, the old T.C. called the “inclusively-redesigned” M&M’s “less sexy.” My, what risible fun it is to laugh at tCarly with all of my favorites, The View, The Young Turks, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers. It never gets old, even as it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Oh my, I haven’t even mentioned Twitter’s reaction to it! Have we heard the “somebody tell Tucker that you’re not supposed to fuck the M&M’s” meme enough? I sure haven’t. Oh silly Tucker, don’t you know that you’re not supposed to screw the M&M’s? No, that brown stuff on Vladimir Putin’s dick is not chocolate but the combined assholes of you and all of your populist-republican sycophants (which are, as it happens, isomorphic to your mouths). But heaven forbid that I should actually SEE the clip in question. Even beneath the orgiastic pile of snide lefties circle-jerking about a two-second sound-bite from their least favorite leftist pretending to be right, I could find neither hide nor hair of the unedited clip on YouTube. Even searching for that night’s full show turned up nothing. Desperate now (because I’m writing this article on the due date), I sought YouTube’s inbred cousin, Bitchute. In matters metaphysical, all things can in some way be described in terms of their antinomy; that suspended between two polarities lies the object of description: for to the eternal and omnipresent symbol of the Uroboros, the distinctions betwixt genesis and terminus is nought, with “being” being the diametric opposite
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(the body) of both beginning and end (the head and tail, the latter swallowed by the former; the former excreted by the latter); to the Daoists, there exists the fundamental antinomy of the Yin and Yang, a ubiquitous symbol upheld by pseudointellectuals such as myself. Within this polarity stands not just the struggle between opposites but the shadow of each within each: the shadow cast by light, and the candle in the darkness. Let us consider Youtube as the light of our antinomy: with its flashy design and wide appeal, it is able to conceal the arbitrary deal it makes to steal your autonomy with zeal by refusing to reveal things it wishes to peel off the internet. In our case, that is anything pertaining to that Tucker Carlson episode besides what their pre-approved leftoids have to say. Let Bitchute, by contrast, be the baleful black shadow of our antinomy. As an explorer in the Amazon hacks through the underbrush, machete in hand, I too was made to wade my way through writhing masses of videos schizophrenic. Through vaccine skeptics, to “libertarians” issuing apologia for dictators, I eventually stumbled upon it: Tucker Carlson Tonight, aired on January 21, 2022, uploaded by a gent by the name of Tucker Carlson Fan. Since Bitchute doesn’t allow you to see timestamps on a video, I was forced to skip through the episode by holding my index finger on the right
arrow key until I found it. One thing by which I was immediately struck was the episode’s considerable lack of M&M’s. From the airtime it was given by his opposition, I would have thought that Cucker spent half the episode on it, but rather I was confronted with headlines on Ukraine (and why we shouldn’t intervene, because the “tuck” in Tucker Carlson stands for “tuck your cock in my ass, Putin”), the Capitol Riots and the supposed “authoritarianism” of Liz Cheny and the January 6 Commission, and so forth. Guess when the infamous M&M segment appeared? If you guessed, “at the very end, for less than two minutes, as a slightly tongue-in-cheek cap to an otherwise grim episode,” congratulations, you win a green M&M (I would recommend eating it whole, rather than out). For all that lefties love to complain that the right spends all its time harping on pointless culture war issues while ignoring the “real problems,” they sure did stretch this one. Now listen, champ, I’ve been sarcastic for this whole article (minus most of my jabs at Trucker Honkerson), but let’s be real for a second. I don’t care if you’re a Democrap or a Republican’t on this issue, because America should be allowed to unite around this: M&M clearly made these changes mainly, if not wholly, for attention. Did any woman truly feel disempowered by the green one’s sex appeal? Did anyone suffering from clinical anxiety identify with the orange one and want it explored more (and wasn’t satisfied by the replete fan-fiction that likely exists somewhere)? No, M&M’s are making fun of us as we speak. They, with one small ad campaign, had the anti-commercial “populist” Carlson, and the lefties that mocked him, give them more exposure than Jeffrey Toobin’s on a Zoom call. This whole article—nay— whole issue, proves that M&M’s have already won. Which sucks because I prefer skittles.
Vol. XXXIV, Issue VIII
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The Economics of... Sex?
THE ECONOMICS OF... SEX?
By Siddharth Gundapaneni
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ublic perception of varying sexual behaviors has rapidly changed during the last century. Premarital sex no longer faces the societal stigmas it once did, pornography is more acceptable than ever, and support for prostitution is also reaching highs. Why are these changes occurring? Has society gone sex-crazed? Have people begun to just care less about what others do in the bedroom? While some of these propositions may be true, they are hardly responsible for the momentous societal shifts we are witnessing. Between 1943 and 1999 support for premarital sexual intercourse increased leaps and bounds, from 40% to 79% among young men, and 12% to 73% among young women. While the percent change of young men supporting premarital intercourse is large, it pales in comparison to the sharp increase in support for the act among young women. This indicates that during the span polled, something had a significant impact on the sexual behavior, or at least perception of such behavior, on women.
“And through improved medical care, increased access and quality of abortions have also decreased some potential negative outcomes of sex. ” That “something” can be explained by some fundamentals taught in economics. Choices are driven by incentives and deterrents. Thus, due to societal and technological advancements over time, the potential cost of engaging in sexual intercourse has been considerably reduced. To start, contraceptives have been made more readily available. Following passage of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, colloquially referred to as Obamacare, contraceptive costs were mandated to be covered by qualifying employers and health insurers. In college campuses spanning the nation, and even in
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many high schools, contraceptives are provided at no monetary cost—often in public restrooms. Easier access to contraceptives means that fewer unwanted children will be conceived, and the chance of sexually transmitted diseases being spread also drops. This considerably lowers the cost of engaging in sexual intercourse, as people will almost always be more likely to engage in an activity if there are limited detriments. Moreover, the rise in access to contraceptives was not by chance. This was a direct result of more women joining the workforce. In a 2011 Pew Research study, it was found that about 7.5% more women (compared to men) file taxes as the Head of Household, indicating the financial independence many women exercise in modern society. Because of this, the cost of childbirth increases greatly. If a woman who was the sole breadwinner in the household were to have a child, she would be giving up her income to raise the child, which likely isn’t feasible. The alternative would be childcare, which is not something many people can afford, especially when considering low-income families are more likely to have more children, thus even higher child care costs. This is why many women have taken more and more precautions against childbirth over the years, and why advocacy for readily-available contraceptives has steadily risen.
Additionally, decreasing rates of sexual violence have reduced the risks involved with engaging in sex. From 1980 to 2003, there has been an 85 percent decline in the rate of rape. And since 90% of all adult rape victims are female, it would make further sense why more women would be less fearful of sexual activities. This same financial independence that many women have had in recent decades has also deterred some from marriage. At one point, women needed to get married in order to have any societal power. But now that many women do not need the financial support of a man, they are more likely to put off marriage for extended periods of time. This, along with the marriage rate reaching an all-time low, has likely sparked more sexual activity among unmarried women, moreso than one may have originally expected. An unmarried woman is more likely to have multiple sexual partners than a married woman (if not, I pity the husband), thus less women getting married should contribute to more women engaging sexual activities. Furthermore, the discovery of new cures and medicines for treating sexually transmitted diseases such as syphillis, came about succeeding the discovery of penicillin, serving as yet another mitigating effect on a deterrent. And through improved medical care, increased access and quality of abortions have also decreased some potential negative outcomes of sex. While the ramifications of these trends may not be favorable to many, it’s important to recognize that each individual is entitled to making decisions best for themselves, and shouldn’t have to be subjected to the judgment of others. For decades, many women felt shame walking through a pharmacy in order to purchase contraceptives, so social trends like this are beneficial for the well-being of over half of our society.
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THE LONELINESS EPIDEMIC
The Loneliness Epidemic By Julius Apostata
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or some people, finding a date is easy: simply walk up to someone you find cute, have a conversation, one thing leads to another, and congratulations! You now have a significant other. Of course, this is a rather oversimplified summary of finding a date, and many—myself included— have run through this general outline a couple of times. Yet what if I told you that there are some that have NOT run through this process; that there are people out there who have never truly ventured out of that experience; that some people out there have an increased sense of loneliness, not just lacking a significant other, but facing a wider sense of disconnect in society as a whole. Such news would likely disturb most of us, and perhaps our reactionary tendencies would just brand such people as outcasts. Perhaps such a branding could be justified, should this population remain a constant, laid forward to the darkest depths of the internet. Yet, a strange phenomenon has been occuring: a “loneliness epidemic” is upon us, especially heightened since the COVID-19 pandemic, not only affecting our dating lives, but society at large. Why is this the case? And what could we do to fix this?
“The authors of this paper postulate that this is in part due to the increased social limitations as a result of the pandemic, which in turn contributed to greater senses of loneliness and depression, thus decreasing sexual activity. ” First, it’s important to note that this trend towards loneliness is not simply limited to the dating life: now, more than ever, overall loneliness seems to be on the rise. According to YouGov, on average, 21% of US adults always or often feel alone as of 2019. This number is even worse for millen-
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nials, as about 30% of millennials often feel lonely according to the same study. Of course, this was before the pandemic, which, as you may surmise, the effects of being locked away in your room with limited social contact for prolonged periods of time certainly exacerbated this. Not only did the overall rate of serious loneliness rise amongst respondents (to a total of 36%), but, according to the Making Caring Common Project from Harvard Graduate School of Education, about 61% of young adults have reported such isolation compounded with 63% experiencing depression or anxiety. Of course, this wouldn’t be a sex article without discussing intimacy as well; according to the peer-reviewed journal Sexologies, sexual activities amongst participants was reduced by a frequency of 4.4, indicating an overall decrease in sex throughout much of the population. The authors of this paper postulate that this is in part due to the increased social limitations as a result of the pandemic, which in turn contributed to greater senses of loneliness and depression, thus decreasing sexual activity. For all intents and purposes, the increase in loneliness amongst Americans, even preceding the pandemic, has compounded existing problems, most notably increased rates of depression and decreased levels of sex. How did this happen? Well, as previously mentioned, pandemic restrictions accelerated feelings of loneliness. Yet it’s important to note that the lockdown isn’t the primary cause of increased loneliness, merely an accelerant; the fact that young adults felt this before COVID-19 would suggest more is at play here. One of the reasons for this loneliness lies in part due to social media. In Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Coddling of the American Mind, they note that the constant presence of digital media and devices, which they dubbed “Antisocial media”, had an adverse effect on young people. Not only did they find that in-
creased social media usage led to increased depression, but also attempts to form large “virtual” groups that didn’t fulfill the same needs as in-person groups. Even attempts to find intimacy on social media, ironically, has facilitated loneliness, with dating apps actually increasing loneliness and anxiety amongst young people, according to Kathryn Coduto in Sage Journals. Beyond this, there is also a decrease in interpersonal relationships. The Making Caring Common Project found that, of the young adults that felt this loneliness, nearly half reported that no one has reached out to them in several weeks to see how they are doing in a genuinely caring way. Moreover, 42% of young people reported not having those outside of their family care deeply for them. What all of this indicates is a decrease in interpersonal relationships and an increase in media that simply do not meet our needs as social creatures, thus hindering our personal health and intimacy. If reading this you happen to feel a sense of loneliness and you don’t know what to do, some of the researchers had thoughts on mitigating this epidemic. Firstly, it might be advisable to put the phone down and take a break from social media, as excessive use has only served to alienate yourself. Attempt to break out of that shell and get to know people, even if this means slightly going out of your comfort zone. Lastly, for intimacy, a healthy romantic relationship is more fulfilling to oneself than any other form, so be willing to take the time and effort to develop the skills needed to do that. Only then could we successfully put an end to the loneliness epidemic.
Vol. XXXIV, Issue VIII
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THE PIPELINE OF PERVERSION
The Pipeline of Perversion By Mister B
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owdy losers, welcome to the most degenerate issue of the year: the “S*x Issue.” While the other writers are content with talking about sex, or the Green M&M, or how how they got laid in the dining halls at 5AM, I, Mister B , am here to continue the great legacy of Binghamton Review by pointing out degeneracy in defense of the traditional values that made this country great. There are, of course, many topics that I could choose from: E-girls, declining birth rates, positive masculinity, etc.; however, opinions on these are generally consistent among the non-coomers, so I would just be repeating the obvious. Instead, I’ll go after a more hidden topic; a foreign export that, while looking innocent, has caused massive damage to the youth: Anime! Now, low IQ readers may think “anime is just a harmless art style, Mister B.” This view, dear reader, is mistakenly wrong. In fact, all media that you consume has an impact on you whether you like it or not. Watch enough North Korean propaganda films and one day you may find yourself saluting the second most famous Kim alive. From here, we can compare anime to a drug such as the devil’s lettuce. As you smoke, digest, or consume marijuana, the THC molecules interact with receptors in your brain which, in turn, makes you feel all dopey. Likewise, the pixels of the two-dimensional femoids follow a similar mechanism: triggering those brain receptors to activate the emotions. This output is not entirely negative. As you may be able to use a small amount of weed to enhance focus during a workout session, you may also be able to use certain anime as a substitute for the pitiful excuse that is mainstream western entertainment. Unfortunately, most people can not (or do not) follow this formula of moderation and end up worse off as a result. With weed, the user becomes an unproductive junkie far from their full potential. Anime on the other hand leads to a much more insidious condition: the anime-to-porn pipeline. What is the anime-to-porn pipeline you may ask? Simple, as one watches more and more anime, they discover more and more lewd cartoons until they find themselves watching hardcore pornography. First I’d like to point out a prominent feature of anime in that it highlights feminine features to unrealistic proportions. Long colorful hair, giant eyes, giant other organs which come in pairs, you know what I mean. Search “bad character design” on DuckDuckGo and you will see exactly what I am referring to. While this also may appear in western animation, western cartoonists at least had the foresight to give their characters some dignity. Next, I will outline a general mechanism by which this pipeline operates. First, we start with a typical young boy: Billy. At first, the effects are harmless, as most gateway anime is. The pipeline truly begins once Billy discovers the more depraved anime. Now, Billy begins to watch scantily clad women with unrealistic proportions frolic about as he unconscientiously becomes introduced to softcore pornography. After enough time on the internet, Billy will likely be exposed to hardcore pornography. This now drops Billy into the porn addiction trap where he will search for more and more porn to
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retain his high. Because the porn trains Billy to become submissive (porn is a form of cuckoldry which in itself is submissive), Billy will naturally become less dominant. After enough time, Billy may reach the “femboy” stage where Billy’s testosterone levels have reached that of a mere child. At this point our poor soul has his brain completely rewired to seek this easy submissive pleasure, robbing him of nearly all his masculinity. Normally, this behavior would be humiliating, though the hopeless child continues into this never-ending downward spiral. This pipeline does not affect all people the same way, nonetheless, falling down the pipeline tends to produce tragic results. Some of you out there may be thinking “Ok, but why is this a bad thing? If someone wants to be a coomer it has no impact on you. Stop being such an asshole and have some respect.” While I will concede that it has no effect on myself, you must also consider the effects of this pipeline on civilization. Firstly, men becoming more submissive will not, I repeat, will not make any man happier. The end of self-actualization can only be achieved through embracing oneself and then reaching their full potential. Man becoming submissive is not in accordance with their nature, but against it. If anything, these men will become bitter, in particular towards women who reject their advances or choose Chad instead of their beta orbiters like always. Men are both built and called to be strong, logical, and stoic so that we may lead civilization into greatness. Submissive men embody none of these virtues as they primarily value instant gratification. This begs some important questions: Who will be strong role models to children? Who will financially support and defend families? Who will maintain order in a chaotic world? Some may point to the government to fill those roles however, this has never worked at any point in history either because the government lacks the resources to do so, or because it prioritizes its own interests and thus works to strengthen its own power at the expense of its own people. As the saying goes: Good times lead to weak men which lead to bad times. Finally, dear reader, I shall discuss possible solutions. First, there is the obvious choice: censor degenerate anime, images, ect to stop this pipeline. As based as this solution sounds, the internet has made censorship in the modern day impossible without living in a dictatorship. Moreover censorship stifles creativity which has produced many of the great works of civilization so censorship must be rejected. Another option is to do nothing and let civilization destroy itself. Not only is this solution nihilistic, but history has shown us that escape from Armageddon is possible. The solution I prefer, would be to spread the message of positive masculinity so that we may have a chance to rebuild. Clearly, this seems like a difficult task, which is why I am calling on you, assuming you are male, to work out at the gym, listen to masculine music (country, rock, and hip-hop for the most part), fast, study, pray, drink water, and more, until you have accumulated enough testosterone, ambition, and mental fortitude to spread the message. And what better place is there to spread that message than Binghamton Review.
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