BINGHAMTON REVIEW Editor-in-Chief Contents
P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXXIII, Issue VII Jake Schweitzer
Managing Editor Matt Gagliano Copy Desk Chief Madeline Perez
Business Manager Joe Badalamenti
Social Media Shitposter Aurthur O’Sullivan
Editor Emeritus
Patrick McAuliffe Jr.
Staff Writers
Jon Lizak, Dillon O’Toole, Will Anderson, Spencer Haynes
Contributors
Julius Apostata, Kaly Otero, Sara Traynor
Special Thanks To:
Intercollegiate Studies Institute Collegiate Network
SEX SURVEY RESULTS
PAGE 8
by Our Staff
3 Editorial by Jake Schweitzer 4 Press Watch by Our Staff 5 How to Give Head Like a Pink Haired Girl by Sara Traynor 6 Sexy-Spy-Times by Julius Apostata 10 Have Anal Sex, Bigot! by Patrick McAuliffe 11 Imagine Your Heart Isn’t Just In Your Chest by Kaly Otero 12 The Most Smashable Smash Bros. Character by Matt Gagliano 14 A Deep Dive Into Dick Jokes by Madeline Perez 15 A Valentine’s Day Pandemic by Brother Love
Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Direct feedback to editor@binghamtonreview.com 2
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
Vol. XXXIII, Issue VII
EDITORIAL Dear Readers,
From the Editor
“We conceive the Devil as a necessary part of a respectable view of cosmology. Ours is a divided empire in which
certain ideas and emotions and actions are of God, and their opposites are of Lucifer. It is as impossible for most men to conceive of a morality without sin as of an earth without ‘sky’. Since 1692 a great but superficial change has wiped out God’s beard and the Devil’s horns, but the world is still gripped between two diametrically opposed absolutes.” —Arthur Miller Welcome back to another issue of Binghamton Review! Hopefully everyone enjoyed their winter break! Yes, COVID is still a thing, but don’t worry, a worldwide pandemic isn’t enough to stop our dedicated staff and writers of Binghamton Review. Especially not the Sex Issue! Yes, this does come somewhat late, as Valentine’s Day was a week ago at the time of writing this. Still, love and COVID particles are still in the air, and we truly have a stellar lineup of quality content for you all to enjoy! If you’re interested in learning more about us, we’re likely to have a GIM some time after publishing, or you could visit our new office at AB 113! This Sex Issue would not be complete without the annual display of our Sex Survey from our staff. If you are interested in the results, check out pages 8 and 9, now in color (unless it isn’t, in which case pretend it is)! Perhaps for this Valentine’s Day, you had a special gift for your man once you two came back home from your date and you need tips that would make that special gift...out of this world? Luckily, Sara Traynor has got you covered, providing five tips to “Give Head Like A Pink Haired Girl”. Of course, perhaps you want to switch up power dynamics with “pegging”. Surprisingly, this has been getting more and more attention from mainstream news outlets, and Patrick MacAuliffe has some observations about it. If you didn’t have a date and just spent the day playing Super Smash Bros., we gotcha covered; Matt Gagliano conducted in-depth research to determine which characters from the game are the most “smashable”. Meanwhile, Madeline Perez decides to take a look at the prevalence of sex-jokes, and why certain jokes regarding genetial dichotomy are considered funny while others aren’t. Valentine’s Day has also spurred some of our contributors to take on creative writing. For Brother Love and Kaly Otero, they decided to use this time to hone their creative writing skills, focusing on having a date during COVID and the joys of “alone-time”, respectively. Maybe you have heard of a recent scandal involving Representative Eric Swalwell and a potential “honey trap” spy. This inspired our new contributor, Julius Apostata, to dig a little deeper into the history of sexpionage. Spoiler alert: it’s shockingly deep. We hope you enjoy this issue, and wish the best for you all this semester! Sincerely,
Jake Schweitzer Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. editor@binghamtonreview.com
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
3
CPampus resswatch “Abolishing the Senate may expand democracy” Eleanor Gully Pipe Dream 11/16/20 “But even if Democrats do take the Senate, with little support for abolishing the filibuster, there will be absolutely no significant change. No more health care, no climate plan, no expansion of civil rights, no Green New Deal.” This isn’t the point of democracy. While significant change has occurred throughout US history (Civil rights, Women’s suffrage, etc.) it has mainly occurred thanks to compromise and bipartisanship. What Gully argues for is that the plurality of elected officials institute their preferred policies without consulting any opposing factions. “This means that smaller states and their Republican senators are able to hold the Senate despite representing a minority of the actual population. For example, now-Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed by the Senate in 2018 with 50 senators who together represented only 44 percent of the US population.” Despite only having two senators in the senate, California has 53 representatives, 55 electoral votes, and is home to many firms, such as Google and Facebook, which hold enormous influence in society. The Senate does not under-represent large states, it gives smaller states a voice which would otherwise be unheard. Huh, wanting smaller groups to have a voice in a system, where have I heard this before? “Since demographics are not uniform across the United States, people of color are underrepresented in the Senate, as they tend to live in more urban states. Meanwhile, rural white conservatives hold significantly more power than their proportion of the population should suggest.” Tell that to Senators Rapheal Warnock and Tim Scott of (rural) South Carolina and (rural) Georgia.
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Written by our Staff
We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
ality, the House still gives way for disproportional representation, as it can often give the minority of voters the advantage, such as the 2012 race when Republicans took the House of Representatives despite not receiving the popular vote.” Representation in the House is based on individual races, not popular vote. What you’re suggesting is that smaller states should hold little to no power in democratic institutions because “Muh votes”. No wonder why Pipe Dream published a response to this article “Populism’s poor reputation doesn’t make it inherently bad” By Ahmed Sultan Pipe Dream 11/16/2020 “Faith in the trustworthiness and ability of government to prioritize the interests of the people has steadily declined.” Gee, I wonder why? “...which often encompasses ideas like protecting a nation’s culture through the restriction of immigration, clearing the government of perceived corruption and elitism and bolstering law and order through stricter criminal penalties…” God damn, Pipe Dream, why do you hate the Oxford Comma so much? Your paper would be so much easier to read if you would just use the freaking Oxford Comma. Please insert that one scene from Spongebob: “How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, OLD MAN!?”
“It was about the understanding that real change never takes place from the top on down. It always takes place from the bottom on up. It takes place when ordinary people, by the millions, are prepared to stand up and fight for justice.” Unless those millions of people have a different viewpoint from me, in which case they’re terrorists. “Popular culture has elevated the famous from celebrity to divine status” May Braaten 12/7/2020 “It’s so tempting to raise someone above ourselves and call it flattering — but sometimes, when we place someone on a pedestal, compassion for their most natural human qualities is stripped away in the process.” This article is actually very well written and makes some decent points. I’d recommend this article to those interested in modern Society and parasocial relationships. Pipe Dream if you’re reading this, give us less political takes and more quality articles and OXFORD COMMAS!
“Despite being based on proportion-
4
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
Vol. XXXIII, Issue VII
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
HOW TO GIVE HEAD LIKE A PINK HAIRED GIRL
How To Give Head Like A Pink Haired Girl By Sara Traynor
L
ove is in the air this Valentine’s season. But after the roses are purchased and the chocolate is eaten, it all comes down to this: can you give head like a pink-haired girl? If you want to up your blowjob game, these five special tips will definitely help.
1). Eye Contact Rule Number One of giving great blowjobs is making eye contact. Men love it when you blankly stare into their eyes while going down on them; it tells them that you gazed into the face of the void, and that the void unabashedly stared back. Never break eye contact. Never back down. You can’t blink. You can’t look away. Show him the bleak future of our universe through your eyes’ cold expression. He will see the brutal yet beautiful darkness of space in your pupils, and through his terror, he will reach understanding.
he screams and tries to run away, force him to sit back down, and start chanting in Latin as a way to comfort him. Once he hears you hoarsely whisper the words tuum gladium Veneri sacrificābo in nominē amōris in his ear, he won’t be able to stop thinking about you.
political statement! Men love a powerful woman that knows how to shake things up. Chomp on the tip of his penis 100 times, as revenge for women only gaining the right to vote in America 100 years ago. He’ll never forget you!
“Giving head like a pink-haired girl has never been easier!”
2). Get Freaky With It! If you want to give an unforgettable, life-changing blowjob, you’ve got to get freaky with it. Don’t be shy: bite it! Bite down on his dick as hard as you possibly can. Treat his penis like banana Laffy Taffy, and don’t stop until you’ve chewed every last bit. You know you’re doing something right when his penis is a bloody pulp by the time you’re finished. If you’re looking to get really freaky, utilize your girl power and make a
editor@binghamtonreview.com
3). Take Off Your Clothes By clothes, I mean the uncomfortable suit of fake human flesh you’ve been wearing since you were born. Bare all. Show him that you’re a genetically engineered, superintelligent lizard, and that lizards can do anything humans can do, like give great sloppy toppy and run the government. And, if he tries any funny business, lick your scaly lips and show him that you will bite off his head and tear apart his scrumptious human meat with your brethren.
5). Use Your Hands Any seasoned Blowjob Giver knows that using your hands - all of your hands - makes a world of difference. And no, I’m not just referring to your right and your left. I mean the secret hands. You know what I mean. The extra appendages you were gifted by Martians that fateful night? Beautiful. The custom-made severed hands you keep in the basement for special occasions? Perfect. When giving a blowjob, all hands need to be on deck (pun intended). When your boyfriend sees a green hand emerging from your chest, ready to grab his penis and tear it in half, he’ll know just how dedicated you are to giving him the best head of his life! Now that you’ve got these skills under your belt, you’re sure to impress your boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and beyond. Giving head like a pink-haired girl has never been easier!
4). Surprise Him Nothing gets a man going like a sexy surprise. You could take the basic route and go down on him while wearing a sexy maid outfit, but unpredictability is key. Instead, try something new and exciting! Pour the bucket of warm blood you keep in your closet for special occasions on his head. If and when
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
5
SEXY-SPY-TIMES
Sexy-Spy-Times
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
By Julius Apostata
P
icture this scenario: you’re a political candidate for the United States House of Representatives in 2014. Maybe you were elected back in 2012 and you’re running a reelection campaign. And, for the sake of argument, you need money. Naturally, your campaign needs to raise funds so you can get back in office and grow your powerbase. So you do just that; holding fundraising events and telling everyone that they should donate to your political cause. During one of these events, while you are going about your business, you meet her: a gorgeous bombshell with beautiful eyes and a wonderful smile. Not only do you hit it off with her, but she tells you that she’d love to help you and that she’s been active in other political campaigns before. You look at her amazing figure, her experience working in other political campaigns, and
“Of course, with the USSR no longer being a thing, new rivals have sprung up to fill that sexy-spy-time void: China!” your campaign finances and agree. For a while, she works as a “bundler”, making sure to tell rich donors that you have their interests at heart. And, after a long-fought campaign, you win! But that apple of your eye isn’t going anywhere; she sticks around for a bit, recommending an intern to work in your office. Perhaps you got to see a little more of that body she has through a...private meeting, although we don’t know for sure. What can be confirmed is that she suddenly leaves you in 2015, and five years later you learn that she was likely a Chinese spy. Needless to say, you may have been thinking with the wrong head, and now you are in a world of trouble. Although hot and steamy political sex scandals like this seem far-fetched, this scenario has
6
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
raised a very sexy question: what is the history of “honey traps’’, as they are called? And what role do US adversaries such as China play in these operations? To minimize confusion in this article, “honey trap” or sexual espionage refers to using sexual intercourse or charm to achieve a political goal, often done subversively. Many of us may assume that sexual espionage is a relatively recent phenomenon, yet in reality, the practice of using intimacy as a means of achieving personal or political goals is as ancient as history itself. In fact, examples of this can even be found in religious texts; in Judges 16, a form of sexual espionage is performed, with the “spy” Delilah using her charm to find out the secret of Samson’s great strength for the Philistines. Another biblical example can be found in the downfall of the Canaanite commander Sisera. Under the Prophetess Deborah, the Israelites smashed the Canaanites in battle, forcing Sisera to flee. However, Deborah predicts that the honor of killing the oppressive commander will go to a woman; upon fleeing the battle, Sisera seeks refuge from a woman named Yael. Yael, secretly working for the Israelites, gives Sisera milk and, according to the Talmud, has sexual intercourse with Sisera seven times to tire him out. Afterwards, Yael drives a peg straight through Sisera’s head while he sleeps, killing him and fulfilling Deborah’s prophecy. Perhaps one of the most famous examples of an ancient “honey trap” not written into the Bible can be found in the tale of Cleopatra. The final Ptolemaic dynasty member to rule Egypt, Cleopatra was well-aware that her position on the throne was precarious; early into her rule, she was in a power dispute with her brother (and husband, ew!) Ptolemy XIII and had to deal with the ever-encroaching threat of Rome under its new dictator, Julius Caesar. Thus, in both a stroke of brilliance and political cunning, Cleopatra smuggles herself to Caesar’s quarters, supposedly in a
rug, to seduce him. Upon doing just that, the pair overthrew Ptolemy XIII, installed Cleopatra as the de-facto ruler of Egypt, and later had a son named Caesarion. This seduction scheme by Cleopatra was a highly calculated political move for multiple reasons. Firstly, it secured Cleopatra’s position of power within Egypt as the sole queen of the region. Secondly, it allowed her to momentarily contain the expansionist Romans by charming Caesar. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, the son she had with Caesar gave Cleopatra a legitimate claim for succession from Caesar to Caesarion. In fact, that’s exactly what happened following Caesar’s assassination! After charming one of Caesar’s closest associates,
Marc Anthony, Cleopatra issued a declaration called The Donations of Alexandria, essentially granting Roman lands to Cleopatra’s children and naming Caesarion as the heir to Caesar’s will. Of course, Caesar already had an heir, his grand-nephew Octavian, and a civil war would foil her plan, yet this also shows how Cleopatra was able to use her charm and beauty to achieve practical political objectives. In contemporary history, female spies have been a source of valuable intel for their benefactors, and have thus been extremely influential in
Vol. XXXIII, Issue VII
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
determining the course of events in wartime. For example, during the Civil War, both the Union and Confederacy employed the use of women who would go behind enemy lines and would charm their way into getting information out of high-ranking officers. A famous example of this was the Confederate spy Rose O’Neal Greenhow, who operated right in Washington D.C. Not only did she operate a vast spy network, but her seduction of figures like Senator Henry D. Wilson resulted in the Confederacy gaining early insight into the battle plans of the Union, resulting in their victory in the First Battle of Bull Run. Likewise, the intel brought about by the spy and abolitionist Elizabeth Van Lew was invaluable for the Union to eventually defeat the Confederacy. While many sexy-spy-times occurred later on during the First and Second World War, it would be during the Cold War that the United States and the Soviet Union would step up their sexual espionage game. Considering the fact that an actual war between the two superpowers would likely result in the complete annihilation of mankind, the USSR and USA doubled their efforts in espionage, meaning, of course, more sexpionage. The Soviets had the upper hand in this, to some extent; according to both former CIA officer Jason Matthews and former KGB senior officer Oleg Kalugin, the USSR would persuade potential sexpionage recruits with greater luxuries as well as training these recruits at schools such as the creatively named Lenin Technical School or State School 4. Here, “swal-
editor@binghamtonreview.com
lows” (or “ravens”, for the male counterparts) would learn how to ensnare American tourists, soldiers, politicians, and even intelligence operatives into a lust-fueled passion. With the target being caught with their pants between their ankles, the jig would be up, and the target would be offered a chance to either work as an informant for the KGB or risk public disgrace. An example of this would be how the KGB recruited Edward Ellis Smith, a CIA operative working in Moscow. A reckless agent, the KGB had a “maid” seduce Smith, which resulted in his termination by the CIA and recruitment by the Soviets to root out spies within its ranks. Another example of a honey trap was when the KGB tried to blackmail French Colonel Louis Guibaud regarding his affair with a Soviet swallow, leading to his suicide in 1962. It wasn’t like the CIA was clueless about these tactics; under the amazingly sexy program “Operation Midnight Climax” (yes, that was the real name), the CIA used the allure of brothels to recruit unwitting participants into
“...in reality sexpionage has been a consistent tool in every spy’s arsenal” testing LSD and other mind-altering drugs. Of course, with the USSR no longer being a thing, new rivals have sprung up to fill that sexy-spy-time void: China! As one of the fastest growing economic and political powers in the world, China’s rise on the world stage has led to another “Cold War”, per say. More specifically, both the United States and China have increased surveillance on one another, with tensions being inflamed in the early 2010s over the discovery of CIA assets within the Chinese Communist Party, military, and government, according to Foreign Policy. One way that China has done this was through the use of swallows. Remember how in the opening paragraph of this article I began with a hypothetical scenario? Turns out this actually happened! Enter: Christine Fang, an officer in China’s Ministry of State Security.
SEXY-SPY-TIMES
Starting in 2011 as a political operative, Fang first started small, working on multiple fundraising campaigns and networking opportunities to get herself into contact with several officials. From here, she is confirmed to have charmed her way to eventually sleeping with two Midwestern mayors, according to Axios. Fang then met House Representative Eric Swalwell (D-Calif.) at a fundraising campaign for his reelection. An up-and-coming politician, Swalwell would later go on to be on the House Intelligence Committee. Needless to say, the two may have been close, although it hasn’t been confirmed that they have had sexual intercourse or that Swalwell gave up any classified information. What is guaranteed, however, is that the FBI has opened up an investigation into the matter, and is resulting in some representatives calling for Swalwell’s removal from the House Intelligence Committee. Of course, using swallows isn’t the only tool that China has in its arsenal; the authoritarian state has made many ways of committing espionage within the United States and elsewhere. However, it should be noted that Fang is likely not the only Chinese agent embedded within the United States, as current intelligence officials estimate that there are many more. Sex, as it turns out, is a shockingly powerful tool for retrieving intel from a target. It also seems in line with human nature; the wanton desire created by lust has allowed “honey traps” to proliferate throughout history. Nowadays, the threat of a swallow may come from China, but in reality sexpionage has been a consistent tool in every spy’s arsenal. Whether this leads to the collapse of Eric Swalwell’s political career is uncertain. What is certain is the fact that China is already here. Maybe that one you’re seeing is secretly working for a hostile foreign power. Who knows? I know one thing, though: there’s definitely gonna be more sexy-spy-times, for sure.
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
7
SEX SURVEY RESULTS
Sex Survey Results
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
By Our Staff
Every February, every publication releases a sex survey for the month of love. Unfortunately, both Pipe Dream and Free Press have not released any sort of survey at the time of writing this. But never fear! Binghamton Review has conducted its own survey amongst its staff, and is going to share it publically! Now, your curiousity or preconcieved notions about us can be satisfied. The results are as follows:
8
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
Vol. XXXIII, Issue VII
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
editor@binghamtonreview.com
SEX SURVEY RESULTS
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
9
HAVE ANAL SEX, BIGOT
Have Anal Sex, Bigot!
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
By Patrick McAuliffe
S
traight men of the world, have you ever wished that your girlfriend or friend with benefits would attach a silicone penis to their pelvis and introduce you to the wide world of pegging? Have you ever wanted to introduce the concept of a prostate orgasm to your partner of any sex, but don’t know how to go about it? Have you ever, for once in your life, thought about how your participation in heterosexual sex upholds the oppressive partiarchy? Look no further, because Vice News is your source for all things butt stuff, with a healthy dose of preaching the virtue behind it. Back in December of 2018, Vice published an article by Zing Tsjeng titled, “How to Give the Gift of a Perfect Orgasm”, just in time for Christmas. One might think the author would just desperately implore men to give a little back during the horizontal mambo, instead of blindly thrusting for 3 minutes before asking, “How many times did you cum, babe?”. Instead, it is a complete guide to achieving a prostate orgasm, better known as anal sex. “Experts” on the topic, such as sex toy inventor Adam Lewis and sex/relationships advisor Lianne Young, share their tips with Vice on where and how to position one’s fingers or sex toys in their partner’s anus to achieve this orgasm. Much like the G-spot on the top wall of a vagina, the prostate acts as the G-spot in the neighboring hole, specifically for men (female “prostates” are known as Skene’s glands and are in the urethra, not the anus). Stimulating female G-spots and male prostates are similar in the hand motions needed for orgasm, but when taking the dirt road, one must travel cautiously and with lots of lube and communication. Chronologically, the next Vice article taking a stab at the topic came a year and a half later in May 2020, with “Straight Guys, Here’s Why You Should Give Pegging a Chance”. Cheeky, sarcastic, and full of slang like “shagging”, the disclaimer that it was first published on Vice UK hard-
10
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
ly felt necessary. While 2018’s article may have taught the ins and outs (*chuckle*) of actually doing butt stuff, Vice UK’s Gina Tonic speaks more to broaching the topic with one’s partner, along with testimonials from male and female participants. Gillian Myhill, sex therapist and founder of the UK dating app BARE, grieves at the very end of the article that many men’s preconceived notions about sexuality and “embarrassment attached to cleanliness and shame” are the main reasons why they never even explore pegging, much less general anal play. Still, Myhill and Tonic aren’t as aggressive to convert heterosexuals to the butt life as the article’s title may suggest; the piece is merely a guide to navigating one’s urges with their partner should they have them. The suggestions that doing so will radicalize one’s sex life are frequent and in plain view, but there is very little non-kinkshaming. July 2020 brought a tag team of articles on pegging just 11 days from each other: “How to Get into Pegging, According to Queer Women” and “Pegging Is the Newest TikTok Trend”. The first is much like 2018’s article, with relatively unbiased advice on pegging and its benefits polled from women performing the deed on other women. The #pegallmen2020 TikTok trend and the reporting about it, however, make for a major turn-off and worrisome dialogue around the topic. The best context for the paragraph I take issue with is simply the paragraph itself: “Videos range from genuine desire to tongue-in-cheek jests that lightly take the piss out of straight guys who find it emasculating. “Tough talk for someone within pegging distance” is just one of the popular “sounds” used by women and non-binary people on pegging TikTok, and normally accompanies a text description of something problematic a cis-het guy has said or done. Is it a threat? Quite possibly. But is it hilarious? Absolutely.” Hilarious, right? Say or do some-
thing I find offensive, and I’ll shove a dildo in your ass. The rest of the article contains testimonials from three members of “pegging TikTok”, none of whom, I should mention, are over 20 years old at the time of publishing. Their support for the hashtag comes from a variety of places, whether to express their own sexual preferences, encourage curious members of their audience, and, of my highest concern, to destigmatize what sexual dynamics should be in a heterosexual relationship. James, 19, begins his testimony with the header “It’s very easy to make fun of toxic masculinity while also empowering women!” If not wanting to be pegged is a part of some higher toxic masculinity, call me Chernobyl. Opening the cheeks of pegging discourse can be valuable for those that have questions about it, and a person that values liberty shouldn’t care what goes on in a bedroom that isn’t theirs. Where I draw the line is when people like James non-kinkshame, saying that if a man isn’t willing to try anal play, it makes them complicit in putting all women down. Find out what you and your partner want out of your sexual relationship, and make it work for you. Just because I personally don’t prefer to be like the wooden triangles at Cracker Barrel doesn’t mean that you can call me, or straight men like me, terrible people.
Vol. XXXIII, Issue VII
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
IMAGINE YOUR HEART ISN’T JUST IN YOUR CHEST
Imagine Your Heart Isn’t Just In Your Chest By Kaly Otero
L
ove your enemy takes on a whole new meaning when it’s the face looking back in the mirror or the critical voice housed in your thoughts. It’s the she-devil telling you that you’ve reached out one too many times and he just doesn’t care about you. It’s the love handles that wrap around you, reminding you of all the times you’ve sought comfort, and where you can find more if you need it. Listen, your heart isn’t just a muscle in your chest. It’s pinpricks of emotion and memory that live in your skin and spiral in your mind. Feelings are not fact, but really, fact isn’t even fact. I propose to you this: touch yourself. Caress your face in the mirror and whisper to the she-devil that it’s okay to care and be vulnerable. Watch her soften and just sink into her. Literally if you like, or emotionally if you can. Tell her your fears and secret
“It’s an incredible orgasm, it’s an incredible cry, and it’s an incredible moment to hear yourself being honest about what you need from this world.” longings. Cry because you’re powerful, or laugh because life is so fucking tragic. Buy the vibrator, name it Freud. Or start slow, lean into the fear and shame that society has prescribed to bodies that aren’t being consumed by someone else. Run your finger along your collarbone. Tickle your knee. Feel the velvety texture of skin and the coarse hair and puckered nipple. I won’t write you a Sinclair novel here, but imagine touching yourself wasn’t only a buildup to some delicious orgasm. Imagine touching every part of your body was the equivalent of every self-help novel and Spiritually Sassy podcast episode. A revelation of love. A reclaiming of the flesh you carry around every day. This is mine. This heart is mine, this
editor@binghamtonreview.com
body is mine and I will orgasm it into a new spiritual dimension if I so choose. Drop the guilt at the end of the bed or edge of the couch. I can’t stand the narrative of hatred and shame that surrounds masturbation and sexuality. It has been ingrained into our psyches by religion and culture as if our desire is somehow unnatural and degrading. As if our bodies are for only consuming and servicing and perfecting and not worshiping. My friend Maddy* masturbates to God fucking her. Also, my friend Claire* masturbates until her whole body becomes shock waves of energy. I masturbate and imagine being my absolute most vulnerable, and someone hurting me. Freud the shit out of that, baby. If you’re at a place in life where performance has become a substitute for mindfulness, I’m coming out of there—you just missed me. I live in a new place where I’ve found constantly gratifying my needs and desires isn’t as hedonistic as I imagined—
“If I seek what seems like desire, but is actually what sets my soul on fire—why wouldn’t I?”
so long as I’m being authentic. If you’re hearing outside of the noise of expectation and shame, it’s incredible where your heart will call you. It’s an incredible orgasm, it’s an incredible cry, and it’s an incredible moment to hear yourself being honest about what you need from this world. Insight is a powerful tool in navigating a world of manipulation and seduction. It may feel self-centered to break from what’s expected of you. It does to me a lot. It may, however, be the first step in believing your soul and trusting yourself again. If I can fill my heart without making demands on other people, that doesn’t feel selfish to me. If I seek what seems like desire, but is actually what sets my soul on fire— why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t you? The rules are changing and it’s up to us to say what flies. If we have less repression and more radical compassion and honesty with ourselves we could recognize more easily the source of our heartache. Maybe even manage to heal it. Being “real” isn’t just losing the filter on our physical being; it’s losing the lenses that we no longer identify with at our core. Hold on tight, love, take yourself for a ride. See where your heart takes you. *These names may or may not have been changed by the author
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
11
THE MOST SMASHABLE SMASH BROS. CHARACTER
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
The Most Smashable Smash Bros. Characters By Matt Gagliano
W
hat’s up gamers! After the amazing reception I received from my last Super Smash Bros. article (and by “amazing reception” I mean one of my friends checking up on me to make sure I didn’t have a stroke while writing it), I decided what better way to kick off the spring semester than with another Super Smash Bros. article? Seeing as this is the Sex Issue of Binghamton Review, this is the perfect time to solve a debate that has long plagued the Smash community. No, not the pedophile problem, if only that could be solved with a poorly written article in a college publication. The debate I’m referring to is much more important: which Super Smash Bros. character is the most smashable? Some of the most popular answers to this question include characters like Samus or Bayonetta, but is there really evidence to back up these claims? In the words of Ike, “prepare yourself,” because today we will finally have a definitive answer. As of the time of writing this, there are currently 78 playable characters in Super Smash Bros., assuming that you count each of Pokémon Trainer’s Pokémon as their own character. Unfortunately, I do not have the time nor the space to discuss each and every one of them here, so we’re going to have to eliminate some right off the bat. First and foremost, I will not be discussing any Smash characters who are children, which surprisingly, is a decent chunk of the roster. If you have a problem with this and strongly believe that one of the underage Smash characters is the most smashable, may I suggest that you tear out your brain stem, carry it to the nearest three-way, no, four-way intersection, and skip rope with it? Anyway, another group of characters I will not be considering for the title of most smashable are the Fire Emblem characters, mainly because they are all pretty much the exact same character. Even by removing these two groups, there are still way too many characters to cover, so from here on out I will only be discussing
12
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
the characters that many people may consider to be highly smashable, and the characters that people don’t consider smashable, but perhaps should. If you find yourself disappointed after reading the article because I did not discuss a character that you find highly smashable, please write a strongly worded letter listing all of the reasons you believe your character should have been included in this article. Once you have completed this letter, make sure to put it in a sealed envelope, put a stamp on it, and then kindly shove it up your ass. If I don’t explicitly mention a character in this article, it’s because there is simply nothing special about their smashability. End of story.
“Anybody who knows anything about Yoshi knows that his tongue is so long that it makes even Gene Simmons feel inadequate.” Now that that’s out of the way, let’s start by discussing the characters that many people think would be a good idea to smash, but would actually be a disaster. One common name that comes up in this debate is Princess Peach. At first glance, Peach seems like a strong contender for the title of most smashable, given her physical attractiveness and royal standing. Peach does have one major flaw, however, one that makes her not only lose the title of most smashable, but makes her not smashable at all: Toad. I don’t know about you, but the minute I see Toad with his penis-like mushroom head, and hear his horrid, scratchy voice, as he screams about “Country Toads” or whatever, the last thing I think about is smashing. Even if you can be around Toad without going completely flaccid, you still can’t smash Peach. Why is that, you ask? Well, if you’ve ever played Smash Bros., then you know what happens when you try to
hit Peach while Toad is around; Toad blocks the blow and spews some mysterious green liquid all over you. I hate to break it to you, but this is exactly what would happen if you were to try and smash Peach. Right as you were about to stick it in, Toad would appear out of nowhere, physically block your cock, then vomit all over you. Trying to smash Daisy would end up the exact same way, so unless you enjoy having vomit dick, I think we can safely say that neither Peach nor Daisy are very smashable Smash Bros. characters. Simon and Richter Belmont may seem like viable candidates to some. They are quite muscular and they both carry whips around with them, so you can assume they’re probably into some kinky shit. The problem here, however, is that those whips are spikey and made of metal. As Rihanna once said, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips…will most definitely also break my bones if there’s a giant, spiked metal ball at the end of them.” Minecraft Steve could be on some lists of most smashable Smash characters. Sure, he’s got a rather square jaw, but I have a feeling that smashing Steve may not be as great as you may think. As I’m sure we’ve all learned in preschool, you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. Captain Falcon is another character that seems like he has some potential. After all, it’s hard to not be turned on when he’s always asking you to “show him your moves.” While he may be famous for that line, he is even more famous for his “Falcon Punch” in which his hand bursts into flames and he punches with great force. He also has a “Falcon Kick,” which ignites his legs as he kicks. I think you can see where I’m going with this. You probably don’t want to find out where the fire is when he “Falcon Fucks,” because at that point it may already be too late for you. If Sonic the Hedgehog is at the top of your list, seek therapy, you fucking furry! Also, you probably won’t be very satisfied smashing a guy whose catchphrase is “gotta go fast.” To round
Vol. XXXIII, Issue VII
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM off this list of characters who would be a subpar smash, let’s talk about Little Mac’s “little Mac.” Just saying, that nickname had to have come from somewhere. Now that we’ve gotten the less smashable characters out of the way, we can finally discuss the reason you’ve been reading this article. The general consensus among the people of the internet is that the most smashable characters that I have yet to talk about are Samus, Bayonetta, Rosalina, and Palutena. The reason I have yet to bring these characters up is because I don’t really have much to say about them. Yes, they are all somewhat attractive, and they don’t have any flaws that would make them unsmashable, but they don’t really have anything that would make smashing them special either. I feel as though the title of “most smashable Smash Bros. character” has to be given to a character that brings something to the table that no other smash character can compete with. This brings us to our first contender for the most smashable crown: Kirby. You may think that Kirby is a weird choice, after all, he is just a small pink blob, but Kirby actually has a lot going for him. Let’s start with his most obvious advantage: his suck ability. Kirby is well known for his ability to suck things; it’s his signature move. Kirby’s sucking is renowned for both its power and duration, which are great benefits when it comes to smashing. At this point you may be thinking, “But can’t King Dedede do the same thing?” While it’s true that King Dedede has a similar sucking ability, there is one distinct difference that makes Kirby way more smashable than Dedede: the copy ability. Kirby has the ability to fully consume another person (which is also a benefit if you’re into vore, I guess), and copy that person to make Kirby look like them. So yes, characters like Samus, Bayonetta, Rosalina, and Palutena may be more attractive than Kirby, but Kirby has the power to change his appearance to look damn near identical to those characters, all while giving you the best blowjob of your life. This next candidate is another one that will be totally unexpected for
editor@binghamtonreview.com
THE MOST SMASHABLE SMASH BROS. CHARACTERS most people: Yoshi. At first glance, it may seem as though Yoshi doesn’t have a lot going for him. After all, he is as smooth as a baby between his legs, and that’s where most smashing takes place. Yoshi does have one thing going for him, though: his tongue. Anybody who knows anything about Yoshi knows that his tongue is so long that it makes even Gene Simmons feel inadequate. Who cares about a lack of dino dick when you’ve got a several foot long dino tongue? Yoshi is also used to being ridden for extended periods of time, seeing as Mario has been riding Yoshis since 1990. We can also assume
“There could be someone standing three feet away, but the only exclamation points appearing will be the exclamations of joy escaping from your mouth.” that Yoshi is cool with whatever fetishes you may have, as Mario would literally punch Yoshi in the back of the head while riding him in Super Mario World, and Yoshi didn’t even care. In case you were wondering, this is also the reason that Mario would not be a good choice to smash. Seriously Mario, what the fuck? Let’s talk about Snake, shall we? At this point, I’m sure everyone knows one of the reasons why Snake is in contention for most smashable Smash character. Simply put, it is because Snake is dummy thicc. While the clap of his dummy thicc ass checks may not be the best for stealth, it certainly helps when it comes to smashing. Snake’s thicc butt isn’t the only thing he has going for him though, he also has his box. I know what you’re thinking, “His box? What does his box have to do with how smashable he is? Maybe I should keep reading because the next sentence will most likely answer this question.” I have to say, that’s great deductive reasoning, however I actually answered your question three sentences after you asked it, because I decided
to put this horrible, off-topic joke here. Anyway, by hiding in his box, as Snake famously does, Snake has essentially created a privacy cube where you and him can smash whenever and wherever you want. There could be someone standing three feet away, but the only exclamation points appearing will be the exclamations of joy escaping from your mouth. Since we’re determining how smashable Snake is, having the ability to smash anytime without being arrested is a pretty big asset that pairs quite well with his other “big asset.” The final character who has a chance at being most smashable is undeniably the most physically attractive character on the Smash Bros. roster: Wario. I mean, just look at that mustache! Wario is simply an absolute chad who doesn’t need any kind of special abilities to be highly smashable. All he needs are his good looks and wonderful garlicky aroma, and he can smash literally anyone he wants. So, where do we stand now? We know that Kirby, Yoshi, Snake, and Wario are all highly smashable, but how do we determine who is the most smashable? Looking at all of the pros and cons discussed, I think it is clear who the title of most smashable Super Smash Bros. character belongs to. After researching these characters for way longer than I would like to admit, I can say with one hundred percent certainty that the most smashable character to appear in the Super Smash Bros. series is none other than… (dramatic pause)... (cue drumroll)... Dr. Mario!
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
13
A DEEP DIVE INTO DICK JOKES
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
A Deep Dive Into Dick Jokes By Madeline Perez
W
hen I was in 10th grade, my life was changed forever. While my class was taking a math test, a boy suddenly stood up and made his way to a desk haphazardly placed in the front of the room. Curious. Though we were balls-deep in geometry, a different brand of confusion swept over me and my peers. Moments after sitting down in this new seat, the student broke every societal law and horrified us all. He farted. “Sorry,” he smirked. “I didn’t think that was right to do in my own seat.” The earth stopped its rotation and held still. The entire school seemed to hold its breath. And then break. Chaos. The class went absolutely bananas, and I didn’t blame them. I said “click” like Cam Jansen and committed the moment to my photographic memory that sometimes helps me solve mysteries. Though it was hilarious, part of me always wondered what would’ve happened if a girl had pulled such a stunt (if girls could fart), and whether we could ever live in the glimmering free-ice cream utopia where that would warrant the same reaction. This is the world I want you to consider, and with Valentine’s Day sometime around the date this will be published, what better time to reconsider your notions about the genital dichotomy? Stand up comedy. As a chronic insomniac who can’t be alone with her own thoughts for more than 3 minutes, I have unfortunately listened to a shit ton. Now, after years of listening, one thing rings true above all others. Male comedians are obsessed with their penises. If I have to listen to one more joke about how you jerked off 7 times in secret during Thanksgiving and then came all over your ceiling fan or whatever the shit, I am going to blow my brains out. Bad masturbation jokes plague the comedy scene almost as severely as an unnamed virus has been plaguing the continental United States for the past year. And yet, they are well received and loved by those people brave enough to go to a comedy show. Now, I have seen far too many talented female comedians with well thought out sexual jokes bless undeserving audiences who get too uncomfortable listening to a woman joke about the same things men build their whole careers talking about. No, I’m not talking about Amy Schumer because her jokes actually are bad and the good ones are stolen. While I’ve witnessed the bias against female sexuality in comedy get better with time, it’s still prominent. And if you’re thinking “haha it’s because women can’t be funny lol” I say touché, but I hope that thought can console you while you lie lonely at night with only expired vaseline and a blow-up doll under your bed to comfort you. The main reason why this persists is because dicks are funny but vaginas are not. But why is that? Why were my high school’s cafeteria tables and architectural columns riddled with
14
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
penises rather than pussies? The conversation is actually more nuanced than you might think. The best way I could explain this simply is the use of the “quirky yet loveable protagonist male-nudity” trope in comedy. We’ve seen this in movies like Deadpool, Old School, American Pie, The Hangover…I could go on but I really don’t want to. Male-nudity is seen as vulnerable or embarrassing--and therefore funny--but it would be almost impossible to present a woman in these same situations without giving the audience sexual undertones. Women are often seen as sexual beings, while other men are just--you know--vibing I guess. It’s hard to portray a healthy female body as shameful in media in the way that men’s bodies are used as punchlines. People have trouble considering vaginas and “tiddies” outside of a serious or sexual context since that’s the only context they’ve ever known. Dicks, on the other hand, are funny because they can exist outside of that sexual context. Joking about “Peepee” can provide a more relatable and honest connection to the audience. Almost everyone can relate to shame and vulnerability, but many can also feel alienated when something they view as inherently sexy is framed in a realistic or funny context. Another reason for this differentiation is the supersaturation of the comedy scene with male-based masturbation and “haha penis” humor. Essentially, we all have been desensitized to dick jokes. Due to the severe lack of pussy jokes, when one manages to slip through society’s cracks and hit the virgin ears of the public, the reaction is sometimes “ew wtf ”. This phenomenon is actually mirrored by the commodification of penises and vaginas on the genital market. That was a normal sentence. Since you all love economics so much--because of the influx of desperate men and unsolicited dick pics, cock stock has been effectively run into the ground. Meanwhile, because of its relative rarity, pussy has attained powerful diamond status, allowing straight women to be picky choosey with men, but also forced to live under stronger societal pressure to be sexually reserved. And so--as men struggle to be taken seriously as a viable sexual option, women struggle to break out of that box and be casual with their sexuality the way men can. It’s easy to see how these unspoken metaphorical chains shackle both sides. Now, I can sense the fire in your heart is burning with unbridled passion about this topic. You want to help bridge this gap in which many female comedians have fallen to their death, and understandably so. “BUT HOW??” you beg to a mocking God who refuses to answer. I’ve got your answer. Expose yourself ... to a diverse group of comedians, and if at some point you get uncomfortable with what you’re hearing, maybe ask yourself why that is. Give women a fighting chance. And women--be more confident about your sexuality! Make jokes! Talk about vulnerable topics! Horny women have been oppressed for decades and I will stand for it no longer. The idealist in me hopes for a future where everyone can be openly disgusting, and not just the select few who can stand when they pee. But until that day comes, prepare yourself for its arrival.
Vol. XXXIII, Issue VII
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
A VALENTINE’S DAY PANDEMIC
A Valentine’s Day Pandemic By Brother Love
A
morning siren pierced through the dorm. Johnny’s eyes bursted open. He almost fell off his bed as he reached to turn off the alarm on his phone. “Never gets old...” snickered Nate, Johnny’s roommate, as he bursted into laughter only to turn back to his computer. Johnny proceeded to check his phone, which read: ‘February 14th, Valentines Day’. “Guess today will be interesting,” Johnny said as he got dressed and approached the door. “Yo, wait up!” Nate exclaimed, “It’s still early, they don’t want anyone out till 10am.” “Right,” remarked Johnny as he turned towards Nate, “So...you got any plans?” Nate turned to him, “Nah, all my homies bailed on me, so I’m stuck here for the day. What losers!” Johnny smirked, “Tell me about it, it took me forever to get this one date planned... on Valentines Day!” Nate laughed. “Johnny, my man, you should feel lucky that you even have a date.” “Yeah, I guess you’re right...” Johnny checked his phone just in time to see the clock strike 10. “Well, looks like it’s 10 now. See ya in the evening!” Johnny walked out the door, freshened up in the bathroom, then walked to the dining hall. As Johnny left his dorm hall, he quickly realized that it was freezing outside. “Dang, should’ve brought a heavier jacket,” Johnny mutters to himself. Eventually, Johnny arrived at the dining hall...to find that there was a line stretching far outside. Reluctantly, he waited. “Nothing better to do...” he thought. A few minutes later, Johnny noticed someone familiar walking by. As soon as he realized who it was, he called out, “Hey Peter!”. Peter paused, then slowly walked towards Johnny. “H-Hey Johnny.’’ “Where have you been, man?” Johnny asked. “Oh, you know... the quarantine dorms,’’ Peter said as he averted his eyes for a moment. “Oh right, forgot about that, time flies, doesn’t it?” Johnny remarked. Peter sulked, “Easy for you to say when you’re not trapped in a room for weeks...” “Hey, it couldn’t have been that bad...I mean, you have the inter-
editor@binghamtonreview.com
net and schoolwork to keep you busy.” Johnny paused for a moment. “So... what are you up to now Pete?” “Getting some fresh air. It feels refreshing after all this time, so I guess I’ll stay out and enjoy.” Johnny turns to him, perplexed. “You mean out in the freezing cold?” Peter looked away, almost as if he were late for something. “Uhhhhh, yeah. Anyways, I think I see my roommate so I should probably catch him up to speed.” “Alright, see ya around Peter,” Johnny said to no one. Several hours passed on the food line before Johnny finally entered the dining hall. Really, a shell of his former self after what had seemed like an eternity waiting. Suddenly, Sarah arrived, wearing multiple layers of masks, baffling Johnny. “Hey... don’t you think that’s a bit much?” Sarah looks taken aback at the question, but responds, “Huh? Oh, this?” as she points to her intensely masked face. “Well, triple masking is the trend, can’t be too safe, ya know?” “Right...anyways, I figured that since it’s Valentine’s Day, we need to spend some quality time together.” “Yeah, especially in these unprecedented times!” Johnny notices that Sarah is wearing a pair of textured gloves. “Cool gloves!” Johnny reached out to feel one on the table. Sarah recoiled and pulled her arm back. “Oh, these? I got them at a winter sale, they’re supposed to keep my hand extra warm!” “I see…”, Johnny responded. The two continued to talk for a while until eventually the topic of the weather came up. “Yeah, I guess some people don’t mind the winter weather” Johnny said, “Like I was talking to Peter earlier and…” Sarah went into shock as if she had just witnessed a murder. “Wait you mean you were with The Peter? Like, in person?”
“Yeah but...” before Johnny could explain himself, Sarah cut him off. “I’m sorry, Johnny, but maybe today wasn’t such a good idea, in fact, I just realized how busy I am today! Maybe we can reschedule for another time but I gotta go, bye.” “Sarah, wait!” Sarah proceeded to leave before Johnny could continue his explanation. After the date, Johnny went back to his dorm to find Nate in the exact same chair. After a minute, Nate noticed that Johnny had actually returned to their room. “Back already huh, so how’d it go?” His eyes seemed eager for details. “Terrible,” Johnny muttered. Nate felt empathetic for his romantically lonely roommate. “Blue balled huh?” Johnny tensed. “I don’t know what’s up with her, she’s been like this ever since all this shit started.” Nate, sensing his infuriation decided to reel it back. “Well, at least it’s just one of your friends that acts like this.” Johnny stared at Nate “So... have you done anything today other than sit in that chair?” Nate paused for a second, then replied “Oh, I’ve been all over campus man. Seriously, what do you think I’ve been doing?” Johnny stared at Nate with sad eyes befitting a dog without supper. “Seriously though,” he complained, “what can I do?” Nate suddenly stood up and took Johnny’s average-looking face into his hands. “Johnny boy, I’d love to help you but I’m all out of ideas here! But there’s one thing I know above all else!” Johnny’s sad demeanor lighted for a split second at his roommates intensity. Nate continued, impassioned. “Love transcends stupid things like “space and time” or “Valentine’s Day.” Love is all around us…” he stared happily into Johnny’s glazed eyes. “...and it might be closer than you think.” Johnny blushed and looked away. Maybe Nate was right. Maybe things weren’t so bleak. And maybe… just maybe, he could find love this Valentine’s Day after all. To be continued….?
BINGHAMTON REVIEW
15
