4 minute read
Advice Column by Madeline and Dillon
Advice Column
By Madeline Perez and Dillon O’Toole
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Ioffered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
“When is Free Press’s sex issue coming out? Follow up question: do you think they haven’t released it yet because I told them I have a Bing Review fetish?”
To comment on the first question, the issue will come out when it is ready and willing to share that information publicly. This may never happen, as it fully depends on how comfortable the issue is with others knowing this information. Onto the second question, I hope that is not the reason as that would be shamining your kink, which is never ok. Except when I do it. That’s right, armpit fetishists, you better run.
“Should I go back to brunette or dye my hair black with red highlights?”
Instead of either of these colors, you should instead dye your hair blue and yellow to show your solidarity with Ukraine in these trying times. Specifically, your hair should look like a Ukrainian flag, blue on top and yellow on the bottom. Don’t forget to post all about it on social media, along with all the donations to cold, starving Ukrainian orphans you totally made.
“Over spring break I went to Florida, and as is bound to happen in Florida, it downpoured, creating a new ocean within my shoes. These shoes now smell REALLY BAD, and I can’t seem to get the stink out. How do I make these shoes wearable again?”
Once shoes start to smell it means they are nearing the end of their natural life cycle, as all shoes do. The best thing you can do is let them go out with dignity and burn them in a small funeral pyre. That way the “sole” (hahahahahahahahahaha) can go to shoe heaven (sheaven) and live out the rest of their existence far, far away from your horrendous feet.
“What’s the secret to eating 20 bowls of cereal in 45 minutes?”
You don’t. Cereal makes you fat.
“I’ve been married for 10 years and have three beautiful children and a wonderful rottweiler. Sadly, my marriage has been on the rocks lately as my husband expects me to stay the same nimble teenager I was a decade ago. Now, he has given me an ultimatum that he will leave me in 2 weeks if I do not lose weight. I don’t think it is that crazy to ask as I have definitely put on some weight after that third baby girl. How do I lose 15 lbs? “
tum: if you have to fake one more orgasm you’ll drown your three children and dog in a nearby lake.
“I constantly worry about my self image to the point where I find it hard to look into mirrors. Any advice on how I can escape my eternal state of self-hatred?”
Just realize that self-hatred is just another form of narcissism and self-obsession. You need to re-adjust your sense of belonging– realize you need to believe in something greater than yourself. Maybe it’s your place in your community, and by interacting with others you feel like you have a secure role. Maybe you are comforted by science, and firmly understand you are made of atoms that, upon your death, will return to the earth. Maybe you’re religious and believe your life is purposeful under god. Right now, it sounds like you don’t fully understand your place in life, so you are faulting things about yourself because you need something to blame. But you exist exactly the way you were meant to; there is nothing wrong with you or your life. You just need some greater purpose. Something to believe in. And that can be anything you want; it is your life after all. Once you do that, your preoccupation with your looks will dissolve away like sugar in a coffee cup. Unless you’re really ugly.
“Everyone always tells me that my interests are boring. What is an easy hobby that I can get into that will make me seem more interesting than I really am?”
Solving Rubix cubes really fast (also known as cubing, speedcubing, or speedsolving). Rubix cubing is the only hobby consistently pursued for the sole purpose of impressing other people. The nice part is that you don’t even have to be moderately cool, interesting, or smart to learn how to solve a Rubix cube. There’s a trick to solving it that you could probably look up on youtube and learn in a couple of hours. But, I’ll give you a fair warning: if you solve a Rubix cube in front of me I will see right through your farce and shake my head (SMH).
“Hi, I really like Binghamton Review and want to know more. How can I read every single issue posted by Binghamton Review while still leaving time for schoolwork?”
