8 minute read
Press Watch by Our Staff
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Written by our Staff
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We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
“Jesus’ Size is Je-SUS” By Matt Gagliano, Binghamton Review, 2/16/22
“basically a small circle that has the taste of cardboard, and the texture of cardboard, and disintegrates in your mouth much like cardboard would when it gets wet.”
If it tastes like cardboard, feels like cardboard, and disintegrates like cardboard, it is probably just cardboard.
“Anyway, 52 Sundays times 3 masses gives us 156 masses in a year, which over 2022 years results in 315,432 masses since the death of Jesus Christ.”
Earlier in this very article you stated “I’m just going to assume that as soon as Ol’ Jeezy Boy died, they immediately started cutting his body into tiny circles for consumption” but then you proceed to use the current year as the amount of years the Eucharist has been taken. This completely disregards the fact that the year is not the time since Jesus has died but is instead the years since his birth.
“According to the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA), as of 2018 there are 223,777 Catholic churches in the world.”
Throughout this article you have made very uneducated guesses for what you believe the numbers should be. This, however, is one of the most egregious errors as you use the number of churches in the modern day as the number of churches that have existed for 2000 years. This is not only a sin for the Catholic church, but more importantly it’s a sin to anyone who has taken a math class.
“Cardinal sins and the chocolate factory” By Madeline Perez, Binghamton Review, 11/17/21 business majors’ when they try to tell me about investing…Funnily enough, she turns into a big blue ball—haunting the nightmares of assholes mad at their girlfriends for not putting out.”
You’re clearly showing your ignorance here. Being a business major is a lucrative investment that you clearly don’t understand. Investing itself is a science and once Dogecoin comes back and reaches a dollar I’ll be able to ruin your life with my huge money bags. Then me and Elon Musk will finally be able to meet up in his giant spaceship and hold hands while the earth full of stupid people explodes behind us. Also, having blue balls hurts like hell and it’s actually torture used in Guantanamo Bay, so I find it funny that you’re minimizing the lived experiences of others for a quick joke. Disgusting. It makes a lot of sense why someone would be mad at their girlfriend for PHYSICALLY HURTING them like that. And also like, if she’s your girlfriend, isn’t that like, her job?? You are a monster.
“In his infinite good-heartedness and stupidity, he resists and understands that since he has a secure attachment with his parents, he doesn’t really need much else to fill that hole.”
Huh. Kind of like how I filled your mom’s hole last night.
“The entire factory: a diabetes-inducing world masterfully orchestrated and controlled by Willy Wonka, propagated by slave labor, where children go to die.”
You say slave labor like it’s a bad thing?? It stimulates the economy! You clearly have never taken high school economics.
“Boy, I wish I had a Club Office” By Madeline Perez, Binghamton Review, 10/27/21
“‘This is why only fools are heroes,’ Harvey Stenger taunted. He stood atop the Binghamton University Clocktower as I started to climb. In one hand, he held a wire suspending a dark green campus shuttle. In the other, he held our Bing Review EIC, Matt Gagliano, aloft by his neck. His mechanical, green, goblin-like suit gave him superhuman strength and augmented his evil nature. The night breeze tossed my little gay windbreaker back and forth.”
I don’t believe that happened. That would have been on the news, or at least in Pipe Dream.
“‘Stop!,’ I screamed. ‘We’re stealing ideas from Spider-Man. This amount of shameless plagiarism is sure to get us in trouble!’ He didn’t seem to hear and continued.’…Because you never know when some lunatic will come along
with a sadistic choice.’ Matt grasps at the hand around his neck to no avail. Harvey turned to Matt, pushing him farther off the weird clock tower beam, causing him to almost lose his size 11 footing. Harvey looks back at me, challengingly, eyes shining wickedly. ‘Let die the EIC from the club you’re a part of,’ I kept trying to climb the beams, despite the emotional pain. Harvey let some of the campus shuttle wire go slack. Immediately, screams were uttered that could only be paralleled to the sound of girls in elementary school when the teacher turned the lights off. ‘…or suffer the car deficient.’ The normies who ride the campus shuttle, because they’re too lazy to walk for some reason, were going ballistic in there–slapping the windows wildly like percussionists.”
Yeah that’s right, you are stealing ideas from Spider-Man (2002). In fact, what you are describing strongly resembles the scene where the Green Goblin (played by Willem Dafoe) suspends a cable car full of children as well as Peter Parker’s (played by Andrew Garfield’s) true love Mary Jane Watson (played by Kirsten Dunst) over a dizzying height, forcing him to make an impossible choice with and achieve an impossible solution.
“‘Choose!’ he bellowed. The moonlight shone off his very bald head, temporarily blinding me. Suddenly, he released the campus shuttle and Matty boy at the same time. ‘NO!’ I rapidly started trying to climb back down the clock tower. Simply put, I did not feel good. Suddenly, both the shuttle and Matt were suspended in the cool night air inside plasmatic red bubbles. I looked behind me, and what I saw shocked me to my core.”
This had better be good, because I don’t believe that this really happened.
“Sexy Baxter???”
OH COME ON!
“I couldn’t help grinning like a foolish little creature. It was the one and only Sexy Baxter, you know, from the Binghamton Review Sex Issue: Godless Edition. Her double Ds were happily bouncing like baby bunnies in a field. Harvey started to sweat, and his eyes darted rapidly. ‘What… what is this,’ he stuttered. ‘You’re not real. How could you possibly be real?’”
Ackshually, this is a stupid question, as none of this is real.
“With determination, I started climbing the beams again. There was hope, and she came in the form of a large-breasted anthropomorphic school mascot. She safely lowered the shuttle and ‘Matt’ to the ground. Matt fell limp like a stringless marionette: a spaghetti man. The college students shuffled out of the bus and crowded around Sexy Baxter, showering her with hugs and kisses. ‘YOU’RE REIN OF TYRANNY IS OVER,’ Sexy Baxter cried. ‘NOW GIVE THESE FINE PEOPLE BACK THEIR CLUB OFFICE, OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!’”
Your reign*
“Stenger’s body language reflected that of a deeply insecure man. ‘But, there is no office,’ he muttered. ‘It has already been given to the sick for a place to quietly die away from the others. It’s been two years, you fools. You’ll never have a permanent office!’ Forgetting his circumstance, Harvey began to laugh maniacally, as he tends to do. While he was distracted, I reached the top of the clock tower. Quickly and dexterously, I snatched a five-dollar bill from Harvey’s pocket. ‘You’re right.’ I beamed, happy for the first time of the night. Nothing can lighten the mood quicker than gaining the upper hand. ‘We won’t have a permanent office… not unless you give us one. And I have a feeling you will…’ I brought the five-dollar bill to my mouth, threatening to eat it. ‘Quite soon.’ Harvey fell to his knees. And with that, the battle was over.”
This DEFINITELY didn’t happen, since you still don’t have an office.
“‘Thank you for your help,’ I glimmered, freshly down from the tower. Sexy Baxter stood confidently next to me. ‘How did you get here? I thought I created you?’ She laughed heartily. ‘You did create me. And it was the power of your belief that brought me here. But now that I have fulfilled my purpose and repaid my life debt, I must leave this university and pursue something greater; the likes of which I don’t exactly know.’ Bittersweet butterflies fluttered in my chest. ‘Will I ever see you again?’ I looked down at the ground, too emotional to face the eyes of my creation. ‘No,’ she responded. ‘But I will always be a part of you. In here.’ She gestured toward my chest. ‘My boobs?’ I asked. She looked me directly in the eyes, more intensely than anyone had ever done over the course of my entire life. ‘Yes,’ she responded. And with that, she left…never to be seen again. …Unless?”
UNLESS NOTHING!!! NONE OF THIS HAPPENED!!!! IT’S FAKE, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN BINGHAMTON REVIEW, ESPECIALLY THAT COCKAMANEY “ADVICE COLUMN” YOU KEEP PUBLISHING!
“The Best Music of 2021” By Dillon O’Toole, Binghamton Review, 12/08/21
“For those of you who yearn for the return of progressive rock in the style of the 1970s, the band Evership is perfect for you. Their album, The Uncrowned King – Act 1, is a great example of modern proggressive rock.”
