How We Spent Spring Breakby Our Staff

How We Spent Our Spring Break

By Our Staff

With Spring Break right behind us, you may find yourself wondering how the Binghamton Review staff spent their break. If you’re looking to compare your break to ours, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here’s a list of 75 things that we did over Spring Break: 1. Cried 2. Spied on our neighbors 3. Did a handstand 4. Went somewhere warm 5. Made planes not plans 6. Played Elden Ring 7. Bashed head into a brick wall 8. Partied? 9. Realized our friends have different weeks off for spring break 10. Cried, again 11. Pet a dog 12. Pet a cat 13. Pet yourself ;) 14. Achieved some post nut clarity 15. Read a copy of Binghamton Review 16. Cried for the third time 17. Drugs (we could choose) 18. Drugs (now we couldn’t choose) 19. Got blackout drunk 20. Watched an Islanders game 21. Cried harder 22. Watched a NASCAR race 23. Enjoyed our nap 24. Questioned our life choices 25. Sent those questions to manager@binghamtonreview.

26. Donated to a Ukrainian charity 27. Posted about how we donated to a Ukrainian charity on social media 28. Wore green 29. Pretended to be Irish for a day 30. Got beat up by an actual Irishman 31. Got beat up by an Irishwoman 32. Continued crying (if the injuries let us) 33. Took a shit 34. Returned the shit 35. Laughed in our younger siblings’ face when they asked for homework help 36. Assaulted our younger siblings 37. Went directly to jail, did not pass GO, did not collect

38. Pretended it was 4/20 when in reality it was 3/20 39. Polished our teeth collection 40. Hid the bodies 41. Ignored the police 42. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

43. Stopped crying 44. Just kidding 45. Cried the hardest we’ve ever cried 46. Got some help 47. Realized bitches are better 48. Got bitches 49. Realized we can’t get bitches 50. Cried again 51. Remembered that we probably have homework to do 52. Went back to ignoring it 53. Went for a walk 54. Went for a run 55. Went for a sprint 56. Wentpher 57. Saw our family 58. Just kidding, locked ourselves in our rooms 59. Played Jenga 60. With a real building 61. Called it 9/12 62. Loved ourselves 63. Coped 64. Seethed 65. Gaslit 66. Gatekept 67. Girlbossed 68. Waited for 69 69. nice 70. Wrote an article for current Satire Issue of Binghamton Review 71. Played a game of Monopoly 72. Won Monopoly 73. Lost all our friends because of Monopoly 74. Realized Spring break is over 75. Cried

The Um, Akshuallys of Ukraine

By Xanax Anaximander

Felicitations, fellow felosofers, it is me, the sophisticated sophist Xanax Anaximander of Anaximander et nil., 2021, fame; since i proved in Anaximander et nil., 2021, that I’m Right and Your’e Wrong (Anaximander et nil., 2021), much has happened in my academic career—after the bigot Sean Harrigan personally took it upon themself (I do not know their gender for sure, hence my use of the plural singular they, in order to counteract the hegemonic cisheteropatriarchy that “he” so propounds) to commit VIOLENCE against our salubrious sociology professor Ana Maria Candela, she has gone into hiding in order to combat the shadow of the white man from the shadows, like the League of Shadows from Batman (speaking of which, it was SO BRAVE for Matt Reeves to call out the WHITE PRIVLIGED ASSHOLES that dominate the society we live in through Catperson in The Batman, 2022, like the devilish white man, Sean Harrigan), and I have been appointed to take her place, but only by assuming her identity and appearance in secret (dont tell anyone).

(A pictorial representation of Xanax Anaximander)

In the meantime, I have been closely following the socially-constructed dispute between the social construct commonly known by the white man’s “west” as Ukraine and the social construct commonly known by the white man’s “west” as Russia. Heretotherefore, I endeavor to present the perennial praxis of the post-structural world through the context of the oppressions that take place ‘twixt the social constructs in question in a postmodern paradigm. For your consideration, I, that is the heretofore aforementioned phenomenon (Anaximander et nil., 2021) as mentioned above with reference to me, expose three discursive metanarratives that surround the dispute: with respect to the liberal, the other with respect to the conservative, and to the third, the “centrist,” each being socially constructed by the leftist (the obviously right position, that is to say, my own— see (Anaximander et nil., 2021; 2022)).

The Liberal

Umm, akschually… PUTIN IS LITERALLY VOLDEMORT AND UKRAINE IS LITERALLY HOGWARTS AND JOE BIDEN IS LITERALLY DUMBLEDORE AND ZELENSKYY IS LITERALLY HARRY POTTER AND…

Sorry, I, uh, got a little excited there—I just get so Faucing excited when I see the stunning and bravery of Ukraine on Instagram. I can’t wait until they, the scrappy underdogs, win the war against the empire (Russia), like the ewoks against the empire from STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI! But this time Emmanuel Macron is Luke Skywalker fighting against Putin, who is basically Darth Vader and the Emperor combined (!) in the evil throne room with the big table. But I still can’t rest: after all, aiding Ukrainian resistance is critical to defeating Putin, so I MUST put the eternal blue and yellow flag on my twitter and tweet SLAVA UKRAINI every five seconds, or else people will think I’m a LITERAL NAZI. Remember to donate to pro-Ukraine charities, which I’ve totally done.

Also, while we’re at it, WHY IS RUSSIA STILL IN NATO?! WHY HASN’T PRESIDENT BIDEN POSTED SOMETHING ON HIS TWITTER ABOUT BANNING PUTIN YET?! COULD HE, TOO, BE WORKING WITH PUTIN?! No, it can’t be— he defeated Tr*mp, who “put children in cages, tried to repeal the Affordable Care Act, and showed the ugly face of capitalism at every turn” (McAwful et nil., 2021). DRUMPF IS THE ONE WORKING WITH PUTIN, just look at what the MAGA chud says later in the article!

You know what, I’m coming out… Two years ago, I came out as a Cuomosexual, just like Trevor Noah, because of Andrew Cuomo’s HEROIC war against the PANDEMIC THAT WE’RE STILL LIVING UNDER TODAY, AMERICA (get boosted), but unfortunately he was literally a garbage human being, and since I BELIEVE ALL WOMEN, I can not identify with my Cuomosexuality anymore. For that reason, I will officially identify myself as ZELENSKYYSEXUAL from now on. Not only do I want him to take my own quivering body, but also my wife’s and her boyfriends’, and EVERYONE ELSE’S—he deserves all the sexual gratification (from my point of view, the only real gratification) in the world, meaning he literally CAN NOT sexually harass anyone.

Unfortunately, Ukraine is far from perfect: after all, I’m seeing VERY FEW soldiers and civilians wearing masks, and a similarly small number who have been boosted! This is a true tragedy, as without them, the PUTIN VARIANT of COVID-19 will spread

like wildfire through their ranks, killing 98% of them. Also, my SCIDENCE has shown that KN95 masks and the Pfizer vaccine are safe and effective against debris of civilian shelters created by Russian shelling!

BUT STILL RUSSIA IS WORSE! They’re KILLING CIVILIANS! Um, Iraq War anybody? Russia is almost as bad as the U.S. under a Republican presidency! Due to the trillions of civilians MURDERED by Putin, including billions of BIPOC, birthing bodies, and trans people (Anaximander et nil., 2021), I am now shaking harder than I was on January 6, 2021! I literally can’t anymore! I’m going to watch the Harry Potter movies to relax (I do love being around unsupervised minors). BUT FUCK J.K. ROWLING, that TRANSPHOBE is allowing the MASS MURDER of LGBTQQIP2SAA+ people in Texas and Florida! What was I angry about again?

The Conservative

Umm, akshually… it’s our fault for expanding NATO into Eastern Europe and there is a Russophobic genocide of Russians going on in Ukraine and I can prove it because it has neo-nazis in it and Zelensky is not a paragon of democratic values and why should we care what goes on outside our borders and so Russia deserves to take over Ukraine.

See, since I spoke in a calmer and somehow more arrogant tone of voice than the libTM up there, I automatically win the argument. Anyways… ZOMG I LOVE PUTIN HE’S SO BASED AND TRAD DEFENDER OF THE WEST!!11!1 LIBERALISM FAILED AND NOW WE NEED TRUE, POPULIST, ILLIBERAL DEMOCRACY TO SAVE US FROM DEGENERACY!!!! PUTIN IS REUNITING THE SOVIET UNION BUT IT’S TOTALLY NOT COMMUNIST THIS TIME I SWEAR; DEMOCRATS ARE THE REEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAALLLLLL COMMUNISTS!!!!11!1

What’s that? Russia has some of the lowest Church attendance rates and highest abortion rates in the devoloped world? Nahh, man, that’s western propaganda. That’s just the media trying to spin a narrative against the true basedness of Putin’s Russia. Just listen to my trad-conservative ally, Glenn Greenwald. I used to hate him, but since God-Emperor Trump came into power, I love to hear him talk about neoliberals controlling the media to discredit Russia. It’s on RT, my new favorite news source (unlike the LEFTIST MEDIA).

Sure Russia has its problems, but have you seen the ABSOLUTE STATE of the west these days? Imprisoning journalists is LITERALLY NOTHING (and in fact, based and redpilled) compared to BOYS WEARING DRESSES AND PEOPLE WATCHING PORN!!!1!!!

I WAS ONCE A TRAD-CATHOLIC BUT BECAUSE POPE FRANCIS IS A HERETIC ACCORDING TO MY YOUTUBE SOURCES I AM LITERALLY CONVERTING TO EASTERN ORTHODOXY TO ESCAPE THE CHAOTIC INVERSION OF WESTERN VALUES BY THE ROOTLESS COSMOPOLITAN CABAL OF PEDOPHILES THAT RULED THE LIBERAL NEW WORLD ORDER SINCE WORLD WAR II!!!1!!

Trump was our only real hope to destroy the NWO that created all of these problems, but then the election was stolen from him, and the media suppressed the story, just like they did with the HUNTER BIDEN LAPTOP STORY!!! OH YEAH MARK ZUCKERBERG, KEEP ME BANNED ALL YOU WANT!1!1!!! YOU CAN’T SUPPRESS THE TRUTH FOREVER!!1!!

Unfortunately, I can’t say anymore on this platform, or else I will get deplatformed by Jen Psaki. Check me out on Parler, Bitchute, and Ruqqus (username THE_TRQE_TRQTHSEEKER1488008135 where I am TRULY FREE to spread the truth without fear of the glowing government agents shutting me down!!!1! (Anaximander et nil., 2021).

The Centrist

Umm, akshually… there is literally no difference between Russia and Ukraine. I will now proceed to moan as I ejaculate with the euphoric self-satisfaction of my enlightenment… breathes

*ooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOooooOoOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGgggggggggggggggggGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhHHHHHHHHHHhHHHHHH-

HHHHHHHHHHH* (Anaximander et nil., 2021)