Editorial by Matt Gagliano

Dear Readers,

Waaaaaaahhh! WaaaAAAAhhhHHHHHHH! That was my impression of a sad tire. What do you think, pretty good, right? Now, as many people do after I speak, you may be thinking to yourself, “Why?” Well, that’s because you are currently reading the April Fool’s edition of Binghamton Retire. Congratulations, this is most likely the smartest decision you will make all day! Unlike the absolute CHILDREN that you may encounter out there in the wild today, this issue has no pranks, jokes, or fun in it. Everything in this issue is completely serious, and is in no way related to “satire,” only sad tires (see cover). Speaking of sad tires, that’s what Leftus Turnus wrote about on page 12. I wish I could give you a quick synopsis like I usually do, but I actually haven’t read it yet, so I can’t really do that. Now’s your chance, if you read the article before me, you will finally be superior to me in some way. Haha, April Fools! YOU WILL NEVER BE BETTER THAN ME IN ANY WAY, NO MATTER HOW SMALL, YOU INSIGNIFICANT WORM! Anywho, there are other articles in this issue that you should read, ones that I actually have read. Like “Rising Gas Prices Are Actually a Good Thing” by Gatt Magliano on page 10. This handsome and intelligent writer, who I definitely am not and have never met before, wrote a glorious article about why you should be happy about high gas prices. I don’t know who Gatt is, but I am certain that if I met him, I would not be able to resist having sex with him and his giant penis. I cannot imagine a more perfect human being, and my life would be complete if he so much as acknowledged my existence. There are more articles in the issue, although they weren’t written by the world’s best human being, so I don’t know why you would read them. “We Need World War III, NOW!” by Mirder O. Crows on page 11 is pretty good, I guess. “Harvey Doesn’t Real” by Gregory Gardenhose IV on page 13, is also neat. It provides some pretty hard hitting evidence for a “conspiracy theory” that just may actually be true. Spoiler alert: like most “conspiracies,” it is. “The Um, Akshuallys of Ukraine” by Xanax Anaximander on page 8… Well, it exists! (Unlike “Help! I’ve Been Kidnapped by Binghamton Review!” by Madeline Perez on page 14, DO NOT read that one, it’s fake news). Finally, I’d like to mention the fact that this is an issue of “Binghamton Retire” rather than “Binghamton Review,” this is because we are retiring after this issue! We hope you’ve enjoyed reading us over all these years. This is the last issue you’re gonna get, so if you didn’t enjoy any of the others, you better enjoy this one!

Sincerely,

Matt Gagliano

Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately liberal campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Independence and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization. It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.