CPampus resswatch “Jesus’ Size is Je-SUS” By Matt Gagliano, Binghamton Review, 2/16/22 “basically a small circle that has the taste of cardboard, and the texture of cardboard, and disintegrates in your mouth much like cardboard would when it gets wet.” If it tastes like cardboard, feels like cardboard, and disintegrates like cardboard, it is probably just cardboard. “Anyway, 52 Sundays times 3 masses gives us 156 masses in a year, which over 2022 years results in 315,432 masses since the death of Jesus Christ.” Earlier in this very article you stated “I’m just going to assume that as soon as Ol’ Jeezy Boy died, they immediately started cutting his body into tiny circles for consumption” but then you proceed to use the current year as the amount of years the Eucharist has been taken. This completely disregards the fact that the year is not the time since Jesus has died but is instead the years since his birth. “According to the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA), as of 2018 there are 223,777 Catholic churches in the world.” Throughout this article you have made very uneducated guesses for what you believe the numbers should be. This, however, is one of the most egregious errors as you use the number of churches in the modern day as the number of churches that have existed for 2000 years. This is not only a sin for the Catholic church, but more importantly it’s a sin to anyone who has taken a math class. “Cardinal sins and the chocolate factory” By Madeline Perez, Binghamton Review, 11/17/21 “As someone whose sin is pride, Violet’s sense of superiority is almost as bad as
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BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Written by our Staff
We know you don’t read the other campus publications, so we did it for you. Original pieces are in quotes, our responses are in bold.
business majors’ when they try to tell me about investing…Funnily enough, she turns into a big blue ball—haunting the nightmares of assholes mad at their girlfriends for not putting out.” You’re clearly showing your ignorance here. Being a business major is a lucrative investment that you clearly don’t understand. Investing itself is a science and once Dogecoin comes back and reaches a dollar I’ll be able to ruin your life with my huge money bags. Then me and Elon Musk will finally be able to meet up in his giant spaceship and hold hands while the earth full of stupid people explodes behind us. Also, having blue balls hurts like hell and it’s actually torture used in Guantanamo Bay, so I find it funny that you’re minimizing the lived experiences of others for a quick joke. Disgusting. It makes a lot of sense why someone would be mad at their girlfriend for PHYSICALLY HURTING them like that. And also like, if she’s your girlfriend, isn’t that like, her job?? You are a monster. “In his infinite good-heartedness and stupidity, he resists and understands that since he has a secure attachment with his parents, he doesn’t really need much else to fill that hole.” Huh. Kind of like how I filled your mom’s hole last night. “The entire factory: a diabetes-inducing world masterfully orchestrated and controlled by Willy Wonka, propagated by slave labor, where children go to die.”
You say slave labor like it’s a bad thing?? It stimulates the economy! You clearly have never taken high school economics. “Boy, I wish I had a Club Office” By Madeline Perez, Binghamton Review, 10/27/21 “‘This is why only fools are heroes,’ Harvey Stenger taunted. He stood atop the Binghamton University Clocktower as I started to climb. In one hand, he held a wire suspending a dark green campus shuttle. In the other, he held our Bing Review EIC, Matt Gagliano, aloft by his neck. His mechanical, green, goblin-like suit gave him superhuman strength and augmented his evil nature. The night breeze tossed my little gay windbreaker back and forth.” I don’t believe that happened. That would have been on the news, or at least in Pipe Dream. “‘Stop!,’ I screamed. ‘We’re stealing ideas from Spider-Man. This amount of shameless plagiarism is sure to get us in trouble!’ He didn’t seem to hear and continued.’…Because you never know when some lunatic will come along
Vol. XXXIV, Issue X
