Letters from our Inside Family

I’m going through a lot right now, to the point of me not even caring about life anymore. But I’m Ms. Ahnay. I’m shining, I have courage and I love me. This is not a choice, it’s who I am, it’s who you are!!! So all of you boys and girls, old and young that are trapped in this shell. Come out and shine in the world. I promise you will feel better. To all of my LGBTQ+ family, I love all of you. Keep your chins up and shoulders straight. To all of the LGBTQ+ supporters on the streets, on the outs, THANK YOU! I read these Black and Pink issues like the Bible. Y’all literally saved my life and I’m sure you have for others, too. And for the bad guys, the mean people, the undercovers that spread so much hate, well go eat a donut, take a chill pill and like my girl Tau Tay says, “you need to calm down.” Thanks for your space, and your time. Love all y’all.

Ya girl, Ahnay (IN)

*content warning: graphic descriptions of childhood sexual assault and rape*

The Story of Her: And My Journey Through Sexuality

Being a queer woman today, I believe that my past sexuality for me was distorted at one point. However, sexuality for me, like many other girls was the basic image of what young girls know; pink = girls, blue = boys, and yet I felt I did not fit into any standard so black = me. I was born and raised in the hood in the ‘90s and early 2000s. My grandmother and step-grandfather raised me because my mom was on drugs and my dad was not ready to be a father. At a very young age, I learned abandonment early. As a young girl, I never felt pretty and nobody told me I was. Therefore, I naturally rejected things about myself; like my nose was too big, I was too Black and my hair was so short. My grandmother was a pastor and my stepgrandfather was a deacon so my two younger sisters and I had to wear only dresses and skirts as a part of our religious beliefs. So not only did I feel that I looked funny, I also felt I dressed funny. I felt the total opposite of feminine so any chance I got, I would ruin those dresses and my hair as a way of acting out. I was raised to think a man and a woman was the right way in the eyes of God. Yet, my first sexual encounter was my Nana’s adopted daughter. Afterwards, I stayed up all night, hoping she would do it again and yet, I felt ashamed by my feelings but that only sparked my rebellious behavior. Sadly, at the age of 12, somebody I loved and thought I could trust took my virginity away from me, then to top off my pain, I found out I was pregnant. My belief in God was gone and I felt God betrayed my body. I barely knew about sex and the knowledge I learned about sexuality was forced on me. So after giving birth to my son, I ran for dear life away from home. However, on the streets, I learned sexuality was men who would grab their dicks while women wore barely anything. In addition, drugs and alcohol made it so you lose all your morals. I also learned then that I enjoyed being with women but I liked the attention men gave me for having a big butt, little waist and a smile, so I would be with them as well. Sex became a blur of sexual endeavors and love did not exists. I did not know who I was or where I wanted to be, I felt like a sexual outcast. My experience was my own, so when that man raped me also raped my sister, a part of me died because I did not want my younger, 15-year-old sister to be confused about her sexuality as much as I was and I was tired of him. I killed him and God was not there when I did it. Instead, the devil was in both of our eyes. I looked at the man I once loved in his eyes and felt nothing. Sexuality, to me, was the night he kissed me goodnight and then held a pillow over my face as he repeatedly poked my 12-year-old vagina. And now it was my sister’s story, too. Our pop-pop, may you rest in peace.

I was sent to the psych ward and while there, not much changed in my mind about sexuality. I took the attention of the crazy men there and they swooned over my looks. Sexuality was now the expression of the crazy inside of me.

I was sent to jail once I was