Letters from our Inside Family

found stable in the psych ward. There, I felt the pressure of women fucking women being pushed on me. I was constantly being seduced. But I was on psych medication and had to get my head on straight. I saw women take refuge in the arms of other women in place of men. That was not me; I did not want to replace anyone, I wanted to find someone to erase pain.

Once I was unleashed, I took woman after woman to bed with me. The sexual release temporarily numbed me but it was only sexual insanity. In the midst, I fell in a delusion of love with a woman (we will call her Tee). I remember our first night together, I ate her out for about an hour and then told her I loved her. She called me a fool and went to sleep on her jail bunk and I laid there up all night with her scent on my face, hoping she would want more. Those times for me were the most amazing times in my life, I felt like I was in some kind of rom com. Nevertheless, that was the delusional part; I remember singing in the community showers “Pieces of Me” by Ashlee Simpson because I thought this was definitely love. Sex for hours and intellectual conversation that made me think, I could do this person thing. But I was not growing. Because I did not tell you about the fact that Tee tried to kill herself every chanced she got while with me and she always wanted sex with or without me. Sexuality at that time was a fantasy of wants and needs. Moreover, that illusion then made me feel halfway true to myself but I barely knew what love was. It did not work out between us. Reality hit me and I had to accept my fate as the judge sentenced me to 15 years. I had to serve 85 percent of that, 12 years and nine months. In prison, I chased that feeling I got with Tee but found nothing