BLAIRE NINE

BLAIRE

sB A GuR Am m e r i s s u e IDERS CLUTCH L I T T L E M AY

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Ian Tyley Photography ian_tyley@hotmail.com +61435806337

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blaire January 2014

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CONTENTS 6. New Year’s Resolutions 10. Surf’s Up 14. Clutch 20. Music Reviews 22. Little May 24. Bag Raiders 30. Angelo Monitto 36. Fashion 44. Melanotan 46. Why Movies Suck 50. Film Reviews 52. Taking Drugs At Music Festivals 54. First Date Etiquette Ian Tyley Photography 10, 13, 40, 42, 49, cover, contents

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new year's resolutions WILL YOURS LAST?

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ew Year’s! Another year! Another new beginning! If only.

New Year’s Eve seemingly fills every single person to the brim with everlasting happiness, countless men and women will be planning their soiree’s, dozens will be thinking about who will be the lucky one to kiss on that final countdown to ring in the New Year.

And as always we will all be hoping that this New Year’s Eve will be better than the last.

Then comes the morning, in which you rub your weary eyes and look out onto this bright new day in a bright new year. Some might have regrets, some might have fond memories, some might have wished things ended differently and some might think that it was the best night ever. But no matter how or where you wake up, there will be one thing that you will all be doing.

Making a New Year’s Resolution, because it’s never too late to pledge to do something new because hey this year is different, it’s a New Year so automatically that means it’s a NEW YOU. Every year, rain or shine, men and women will sit down and pledge to be better; to do something different; to try something new. I’ll tell you right now, it won’t last.

Let’s give you some numbers to support this: 1. By the 10th of January, 88% of you will have given up on your New Year’s resolution. Which means you probably never signed up for that gym 6

membership, didn’t put down that cookie, didn’t book that holiday, didn’t tell someone you loved them, didn’t read that book or see that movie... the list goes on, but your resolution does not.

2. Let’s put this 88% into real numbers shall we.

That’s about 156 million resolutions that fail. Just by day 10. Let’s be honest, the other 12% just fade into obscurity by the time that April marches around.

Now a lot of people say New Year’s resolutions don’t work out because you don’t keep it simple, because you’re not motivated, or you don’t have the right support system or materials. I say no. If you don’t have it, go and get it. If you do have it, then well I call bullshit.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret and reveal to you what most people pledge to do in the New Year.

1. Beat the Bulge A classic. The old get fit, stay in shape, go for a run.

This includes all things to do with saying no to cake, eating healthier, going green etc…

2. Quit Drinking Ah yes the old reliable. Wake up from a heavy night of partying from ringing in the New Year with a killer headache and automatically we have a winner for our resolution. Until two days later when it’s a friends birthday.

3. Get out of debt Unless you can think of some quick get rich scheme this isn’t going to happen easily. Chances are when your boss calls you up for an extra shift of work or overtime you’ll say no. Plus New Year’s sales are so so so good!

4. Read more books This is a popular one! For those that feel like technology is becoming too much of a presence in your life, go back to the basics of paper. Until you see how much a book costs these days, or you just really don’t have any time for your book club. We get it, Life happens.

Remember books are too expensive and TV is free!

7. Socialise more Stop going on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter when you’re bored! But then you’d actually have to talk to people! Which means you’d have to go out with them, which means you’d have to buy new clothes, and then you have to meet somewhere for dinner, which means the diet is out the window and you have broken the bank. Not going to last, online chatting is so much easier.

5. Save more money Like I said, the New Year’s sales are so so so good!

8. Find out where you stand within your company Will not happen, if it freaked you out before, it will freak you out now. Plus your boss is scary!

6. Watch less TV Unless you get rid of your TV, this won’t happen.

9. Do the whole relationship thing Wait we have to communicate and talk about > 7

10. Try extreme sports Unless you join a group and sign up within the ten days I don’t believe you. Sorry mate, it just wont happen, insurance is too expensive these days.

There we have it, in random order the top 10 New Year’s Resolutions. Does it make you sad to think that you were going to do one of these things?

Because you won’t. Don’t waste your time, thinking about it because it won’t be done!

Unless you are that 12% who just might summon the willpower.

Now for some of you, you’re unique, you’re different, you’re indie, you have past the point and no longer want to do a cookie cutter New Years resolution! That’s where I come in!

6. Don’t decide to get blind drunk and go to the strip club This also never ends well.

7. Make friends with a lion On that note, make sure you either buy a ticket to Africa or a Zoo membership.

8. Legally change your name to Meryl Streep Apparently it’s a thing and you would get invited to all the VIP events.

9. Create a new App that will make you rich Everyone has that dream of rolling around in cash.

10. Kill your own food Different, very, very different.

Meet the new list of fun and slightly weird things that you could do in 2014.

Here’s one thing though I didn’t suggest which I’m sure you didn’t even think of: don’t do anything for yourself. Make this resolution because even if 1. Eat weird food. it lasts only ten days then you will have the knowlIt’s cool to eat snail right? So why not try some edge that you were nicer, you were kinder, you yak, animal intestines, deer penis etc. Your street volunteered, or you gave to charity. Out of all these cred will go up. resolutions it upsets me to think that not one of these things was about doing something purely for 2. Learn a party trick others out of the good of your own heart.

Apparently it’s cool to burp the alphabet and create Because I believe that we are better than some shapes with your tongue. empty, meaningless resolution. I believe that we are good people who care about others even if 3. Stop using your cat as an excuse for a partner these stupid lists don’t say it.

I get it. I really do, cats are cute. But when you start having movie nights with your cat rather than going out, that’s when things go wrong.

4. Don’t ask someone how their life has been if you know they talk a lot I agree with this one. Don’t do it guys, it will save an hour of your life 5. Don’t decide to get blind drunk and go to the casino It never ends well.

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> Isobella Van Schaik

9 > Tom Morphett

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surf’s up OR IS IT?

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ummer has finally hit Melbourne and it seems every person with a vague sense of balance has dusted off their old surfboards. Whether they actually use them, or simply spear them into the sand next to their drinking spot for the day, they have long been a conversation starter with the fairer sex. But how many people actually care that sportspeople have carved successful careers out of this sport, which is widely regarded as a hobby?

The media haven’t done a whole lot to bring surfing mainstream. The sport is lucky to receive thirty seconds at the end of a sports report, just in case the odd enthusiast is tuning in. Australia has a current triple World Tour winner in Mick Fanning currently competing. As a general rule of thumb, whenever we win something, Australia jumps whole-heartedly into the sport. So why haven’t we with surfing?

The most publicity it has gotten in recent times, was the coverage of Andy Irons’ funeral. A death which was attributed to drugs, raised the curtain on a drug culture which appeared rife in the popular past time.

The danger in this sport in not a lot greater than a lot of much more popular alternatives. Australia is surrounded by beautiful beaches, with majority of the population living by coast. So why is being a professional surfer not high on a lot of kids dream career lists? Let’s make a list.

Pro: surfers get women. A common method used to sell the image of a surfer, he is usually tall, has

shaggy hair, a white smile against a dark tan and a set of abs you could grate cheese on. All you have to do is walk up to a girl with a surfboard under your arm, and the battle is already won.

Con: surfers aren’t renowned for being the cleverest people. So if the girl you choose isn’t into the crushed shell necklace and wide, gaping shirt, then you’re in a little bit of trouble. Make sure you fill your head with books, as well as sea water.

Pro: surfers say that when they catch their perfect wave, it is the most serene moment of their lives. It is as though time slows down, and every colour of the rainbow is visible to them.

Con: assuming you are good enough to not be slammed into the occasional sand bar, a lot of these instances are attached to the strong relationship drugs have with the sport. A sense of relaxation can be doubled by smoking a joint beforehand, for example. The professional sport has taken massive steps in an attempt to clean its image, but the amateur level still requires work.

Only the most driven and disciplined will succeed.

Pro: if you’re good enough, surfing now has the funding to provide the elite with enough fame and money to set themselves up for life.

Con: Kelly Slater doesn’t like to share his title. > 11

Pro: you work on the beach. You’re following a past time you are passionate about. And if you are able to get it right on the day, you’ve earned more than a lot of people earn in a year.

Armstrong are being dragged through the mud because of this association.

But like any sport, surfing has its cult following. And like any beach, it has its bikini-wearing enthusiasts. If that isn’t enough incentive to get Con: there’s not a lot fun about icy cold water early young guys to a surf shop then I don’t know what in the morning. Your workplace is at the mercy of is. So if you’re at a beach and can’t surf, buy yourmother nature every day. self a board and do about twenty thousand sit ups.

Surfer dudes are here to stay: on and off the beach.

At the end of the day, none of these factors are relevant if you have decided this is the path you are going to take. Not saying a lot of people don’t partake in the extracurricular activities, but thankfully they aren’t necessary. Throughout out its earlier years, drugs were rife and the sport suffered.

But we have entered a new age of governance and society as a whole rejects any type of unfair advantage in sport. One only has to look to cycling as the template. A sport where if you weren’t taking drugs in the past, you weren’t a chance of making it anywhere. Nowadays, names as famous as Lance > Mitchell Pascoe

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13 > Ian Tyley

Clutch

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Clutch are a band that need little introduction, they’ve been around for two decades, released nine studio albums and toured endlessly. Clutch will be here in 2014 to play Soundwave Festival and a string of sideshows, and we were lucky enough to get a chance to chat to bassist Dan Maines.

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’m stoked to have a chance to chat to you guys, after the long career you’ve had. You guys have literally been a band as long as I’ve been alive. After all that time you must have some awesome tour stories. Coming out swinging, what’s one of your favourite tour memories?

Probably the coolest thing about playing gigs is having the opportunity to meet people. And sometimes you’re lucky enough to get the chance to meet and idol or idols, someone who really inspired you. We had some great times touring with Motorhead. It’s an accomplishment enough in itself to say you’ve played alongside them. Lemmy is a huge inspiration for all of us, so we we’re really fortunate to have been able to tour with them a couple of times. One of the best shows we’ve ever played was in London opening up for them, maybe two and a half or three years ago, and we were playing Electric Word. There was this guy tucked away in the corner of side stage, just singing along and I kept thinking to myself that guy looks familiar, and after the show, hanging out backstage back stage and one of our crew came in and was like, “Guys, Brian May is in the hall and he’d like to say hi.” And yeah, it turned out to be him, Brian May of Queen! I mean not only was he enjoying our music but apparently knows one of them well enough to sing along and that blew my mind, I’ll never forget it.

Dude, that’s amazing! You guys are coming down to Australia relatively soon for the Soundwave festival, and playing a few sideshows along the way. How have you guys found Aussie audiences in the past? Will you guys be partaking in our drinking and party culture?

Yeah, we’ve actually played soundwave before.

You know it’s funny, I can’t really describe what it is, but Australia really reminds me of the United States. We’ve always had a great time and we’ve never had a bad show in Australia. It kind of blew our minds that the first time we got to go and see your country was in a festival setting. We’ve had some amazing crowds, we’ve always enjoyed the hospitality, you guys brew some great beer and the weather’s fantastic. It’s hard to look at it as work when it seems like a vacation that we get to play shows on.

What do you think of the Soundwave festival itself? Did you enjoy it?

Yeah! It’s great. We don’t really have anything like that in the States. Where you have one festival with a group of bands that moves from one city to the next. We use to have Lollapalooza and I think that idea of that kind of festival is coming back, but it’s great to play a place where it’s kind of a tradition.

Are there any bands you’re particularly keen to play with on this round of the festival?

I have to say the two bands right of the top of my head that I’m really excited to not only see but to spend some time with are Mastodon and GWAR. Mastodon and Clutch go way back, more than a decade, and I think there’s a musical kinship and I think we’re big admirers of each other. They’re great guys too, it’s a lot of fun to hang out with them. And GWAR is a band that we’ve grown up watching and listening to from the very roots of Clutch. They’re from the same city that we are and I don’t see how anybody could ever get tired of them. > 15

I’m super excited to see GWAR as well. Their live shows look ridiculous.

Yeah, if you don’t walk away from a GWAR show with a stained shirt then you’re not doin’ it right.

Sound Advice. You guys started your own record company a little while ago. What was the motivation behind making that move?

Generally being fed up with record labels. We’d pretty much run the gamut of every kind of record label you could be on. Major label, independent label, this and that, and we had previously put out a record on our own, the Jammer record. Basically we were writing songs that were intended to be recorded for a major label record, and the relation between us and the label went south and we just said, to heck with it, let’s just put it out ourselves.

We knew that to put a record out at the time we just didn’t have the recourses proper distribution, and that’s the biggest hurdle when you want to do it on your own, getting it into stores. The internet offers a lot of opportunities, but we really wanted to have physical CD’s in stores. Fortunately, 20 years into the game we have that experience and we have the resources to get it done. Luckily we were in a position to launch with a good amount of success, and it’s a learning process every day.

We’re just trying to take it slowly and not put the cart in front of the horse, so to speak.

Weathermaker Records is the name of the label, what has the label got on offer?

Well, Clutch releases, but outside that we have side projects. We’ve got a company band release which is our singer Neil with various members of bands like Fu Manchu and Fireball Ministry. We’ve also put out a CD of our guitarist Tim’s side project called Deep Swell. It’s and interesting project, it 16

really does stray from Clutch sound. And we recently signed another band, a band from Maryland called Lionize, and so we’ve taken that step. Their record is currently being mixed.

We’ll definitely have to keep an ear out. If you guys could set up a gig with three bands from any point in time, who would they be?

Cream, Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin.

Definitive answers man, you didn’t need any thinking time, I love it! If you could change the world in one way, big or small, what would it be?

It would be fantastic if at some point in early childhood if everybody was given an instrument of their choice. The world would be a much better place.

I completely agree. What’s the best thing about playing music for a living?

This is definitely something I’d be doing if it wasn’t my main occupation. So I’m grateful for it to also be my livelihood.

What’s the biggest drawback?

Touring is a coin with two sides. There’s positives and negatives. The positive is being able to travel to places you wouldn’t normally get to in any other circumstance. But at the same time you also have to spend a lot of time away from home. And speaking for myself that can be a weight, I do have a family, you know?

Totally man. Have you got any advice for young musicians, particularly rock musicians in a market where it sometimes gets a little drowned out? >

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I think the obvious thing is to not just go jumping on the bandwagon of the current trends. You just have to focus on what it is about music that you enjoy the most, make that the focus and not concern yourself with what’s popular or what other people think about your music, just be honest and true about it and play as often as you can. I think playing shows is the key. It makes you a better musician and it gets your name out.

it a second go. I got told it was a pretty rough day when I went out, so I might wait for some tamer waters.

Last words from Clutch?

Obviously, we’re doing Soundwave Festival, if you don’t have the opportunity to go, we have some headline shows, keep an eye out for them.

You’re a man of wise words Dan. Quickly before we finish up, is there anything you really want to do while you’re down here next?

Well last time I was in Australia I tried surfing for the first time. It kicked my ass, and I’d like to give

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> Benny Thompson

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> Tom Morphett

World’s End Press I attended a Christmas party last night and found myself sipping down a summery cocktail while head bopping to a live band. That band was World’s End Press and fuck me they were good. I take my hat off to their style. Well done.

They have just released their debut self-titled record after spending the last few years building a huge live following around Australia.

They incorporate two things that bring a smile to my face, four-to-the-floor rave-ups and pop anthems.

Their song ‘Reformation Age’ is quite a dance-orientated number with fun pop beats throughout the tune. If you have any affiliation with Cut Copy’s sound, then you’ll fall in love with these guys straight away!

mu States

The Paper Kites

If you’re looking for an album that takes you into a peaceful and tranquil world, where you momentarily forget about all your worries then The Paper Kites’ States is a must have. The album is a delicate and innocent sound that essentially embarks on a journey of soft pop-rock and subtle electronic elements that are infused together in a happy manner.

The album holds the sounds of tranquility through almost every song, which I find quite relaxing. However for those who are looking for variety, then this isn’t the album for you.

The Paper Kites heavily rely on the happiness and comfort that the album provides.

Look out for their song ‘Young’ and ‘Featherstone’.

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Gesaffelstein

Aleph

> Sarah Long

The first time I heard Gesaffelstein was two years ago on Triple J and it was love at first sound. The downfall of this experience? I couldn’t work out the spelling of this French artist’s name for the life of me. It was like meeting a hot babe out one night and walking away without getting their digits. I was seriously depressed. So I let go and moved on with my life, trying to forget about him.

Then, one magical afternoon Triple J decided to give this French artist credit where it was deserved and now he has featured and toured and I am a happy camper.

Let me formally introduce you to some of France’s recent finest, Gesaffelstein. He has created the most dirty electro/grunge beats that I have heard in a while. I love his new album Aleph. The sound is heavy and delicious. Get around ‘Pursuit’ and ‘Hate or Glory’.

sic Harvest of Gold

Gossling

Gossling’s Harvest of Gold has been a highly anticipated album. A voice as distinctive as Gossling’s can get a little grating, but she has balanced the tightness of her vocals with boundless and loose instrumentals on positive, but soon becomes clear that Gossling is short of ideas. I found the compositions to be repetitive. Again and again her pointy vocal style is mellowed with low-pitched, lumbering synths and guitars.

My two loved songs are ‘Never expire’ and ‘Accolade’, but to be honest, I wasn’t overly excited by the album other than those two songs. I’m a little bummed out, because otherwise I am totally team Gossling. She has let us down this time. Sorry.

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Little May are an outfit of lasses from Sydney. Their floaty, effortless sound is gaining them a fair amount of attention. They have solidified their live reputation during their tour in December. Their music is lovely, and we found out that they’re just as lovely themselves.

If you could describe Little May in three words, what would they be?

so I’m pretty excited for those shows too because I think that will be really nice.

Eerie, fun and individual. That was tough first up!

What’s the best thing about playing in a band for a living?

Where do your influences lie musically?

We all have really different influences. There’s a lot of music that we all listen to: Local Natives, Half Moon Run, Alt-J; all bands we’ve been listening to over the last year, but as I say, we all do come from different places and grew up listening to different stuff. My parents were really into Bob Dylan, Simon And Garfunkel, The Beatles and Cat Stephens. Growing up with all of that definitely influenced me to want to start learning guitar. And there’s other music we listen to now that’s influenced our sound as it’s progressed over the past few months.

Oh, it’s pretty hard [laughs], for example yesterday, we were working on a few songs that we’re going into the studio tomorrow to start recording. But yesterday we just sat around for like, 7 or 8 hours, just trying to work on different parts and it’s just kind of cool that we can sit there for 8 hours in a day and play guitars and figure out something to record, it’s a really fun process.

Alternatively, what’s the hardest bit about devoting so much of yourself to music?

It can get pretty exhausting at times. And it is a pretty expensive thing to do. Instruments and You guys have got a tour coming up soon if I’m recording aren’t cheap, we all work part time jobs not mistaken. to pay for the band, and that can sometimes get a bit stressful. I’d say that’s really the main thing, Yeah we go on tour in December, which is going to trying to balance everything. be really fun. I’m really excited about it.

Okay, why are girl bands better than other Is there any standout shows you’re particularly bands? excited for on the tour?

Just lots of girl power, you know? Good girl I’m really excited about the Sydney shows. We’ve power vibes, who need guys anyway? We’ve got a played at Brighton Up Bar before and I just love girl drummer too, and she’s better than any male the room there, it’s a great venue. drummer we’ve ever had!

And hometown crowds always rule!

We’ve become obsolete!

Yeah, they definitely do. It’s great when we get to have our friends come down and hang out for a couple of nights. But I’ve never been to Brisbane,

In fairness, we have a guy who plays bass for us.

Sometimes I feel a bit sorry for him; four girls sounding him at all times, but he seems to enjoy it. >

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As if he wouldn’t! Have you got any advice for budding musicians trying to make something of themselves?

Just keep going with it! We spent a good six months playing several gigs a week to empty rooms, before we’d released anything, in little pubs and cover gigs and things. It can be a bit disheartening at times. But just keep going, keep pushing yourself and not settling for anything less than the perfect song, or whatever it may be.

I like Jellys! Everyone should wear them, we could all jump in puddles and be comfy.

Can’t skate in Jellys dude, that’s my argument, but each to their own. Regardless, if you could change the world in one way?

Nice. How did you guys get together initially?

Give everyone Jellys!

We went to school together, so we had all known each other for ages, but it wasn’t till a few years after school that we actually got together and started taking it seriously. Liz and Hannah had been writing music for a few years together in their bedrooms, not taking it seriously and not playing in front of anyone and I had sort of been the same but by myself. We all got together early last year and decided to give it a go and take it seriously.

Touché. If you could have super power what would it be?

It would be really fun to be able to speak every language fluently.

That’s an awesome power! If you could play with three bands from any time who would they be?

You’ve been killing it since then.

Simon and Garfunkel, Local Natives, and I’m going to chuck in Elvis, who wouldn’t wanna play with him?

Thanks! It’s all moving pretty quickly, it’s pretty exciting.

Flip side, if you could erase a musical act from time, who would it be?

Are you happy with the pace it’s moving?

I’m going to go with Rebecca Black.

It can be a little overwhelming at times. We’re all pretty new to the music industry. But playing music definitely compensates. We know there’s going to be some tough times, and stressful times, and probably pretty shit times along the way, but it’s so worth it in the end. It’s the most rewarding thing being able to record music and actually having people want to listen to it.

Fair enough. Last but not least, what’s coming up for you guys?

Absolutely. Okay, a few quick ones before we wrap it up. If you could change the world in one 24

way, what would it be? It could be as big as ‘stop world hunger’ or as small as like getting rid of those stupid jelly sandals, which is what I would do.

we’re releasing an EP in early 2014, so we’re getting ready for that. We’ll hopefully be heading overseas at some point next year.

Good luck with everything. Thanks for gracing the pages of Blaire. > Benny Thompson

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Bag raiders

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The electric duo from Sydney are back on the scene and ready to pump some new tunes! We caught up with Chris Stracey to see how they’re doing.

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’day Chris, how are things going over in LA at the moment?

And it’s set to be released through Modular yeah, any release dates?

Hey man, well we flew over after our run of shows at the start of this year around February to start recording for this new album we have coming out.

Yeah we did our first album through Modular and they’re just great to work with, it’s almost like a family so definitely will be releasing it through them again. No firm date set as of yet but sometime in the first quarter of 2014 is what we are aiming for.

Cool news man, what are some of the new sounds we can expect to hear from Bag Raiders?

What are your other plans for 2014?

This whole new album is almost not a continuation but an expansion I suppose of our debut album Bag Raiders. We drew from a lot of influences in the creating process ranging from 70’s music, R’n’B, soft house all different sorts of music. We’ve been living in California the past few months so there’s almost this dreamy summertime vibe throughout the whole collection of songs.

How long has the creative process been for this new album?

We’ve been writing for just on two years for this album and we’ve nearly got the 27 original tracks cut down to an album worthy 11 or 12.

Well we’ll be back over the whole of summer playing shows in anticipation of the new album and just spending time with family a bit.

I was last home in February for the birth of my sister’s baby and I am just absolutely craving some Australian people and an Aussie summer of course; it just isn’t the same over here. After that, some European tours and North America is definitely something we want to be doing so yeah, 2014 isn’t going to be a slow-paced year.

The quality of Australian artists these days is pretty high, have you got anyone we should keep an eye on? > 27

Well there’s a guy on our label called ‘Movement’ who is making some crazy cool sounds at the moment. The Australian electro-scene is so strong at the moment and it is going in a really good direction. I think guys like Flume and Ta-Ku are absolutely killing it on the world stage it’s just so good to see quality music really being recognized and appreciated.

For sure. What’s one of the wildest things that’s happened at one of your shows?

Purple Rain.

Why Purple Rain?

Could you imagine how cool purple rain would be? Imagine being purple rain.

Yeah, true that. Thanks for chatting Chris, pleasure talking with you and hearing your thoughts on music.

No worries mate, enjoy.

A couple, I presume, maybe they were just friends, got kicked out of a show of ours in Cronulla one time for sexual innuendo in the crowd, that felt good.

If you could be a song title what would you be?

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> David Meadows

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Angelo Monitto

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reativity, design and illustration are things I have loved doing since I can remember. I began drawing classes at a very young age, and my passion for it ensured that it was something I would pursue. I knew that making money solely by selling work as an artist could be quite difficult so I decided to study Graphic Design. I studied at Grenadi School of Design and received my Advance Diploma in Advertising and Graphic Design.

Throughout my studies I tried incorporating as much of my hand drawn illustrational work into my designs. After finishing studying I began working part time in the Graphic Design industry part time, which still allowed me to draw and paint, my main subject being portraits of female models and celebrities. I aim to depict aesthetic beauty, but also something quite opposite. I have always had a fascination with skulls, and I began to incorporate them into a few of my drawings.

I have yet to find a specific style that I will pursue or can call my own, but I’m still always experimenting and playing around with materials.

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summer, baby

eaches, babes, bars and bronzed skin all spell summer. Summer is all about having carefree adventures, drinking mojitos and dancing until the sun comes up. Nothing beats that sun kissed feeling. You have to hit the road and trip all the way to that summer festival/ holiday house/pool party with as many friends as you can fit in the car. Most importantly, you need to look like you are ready for anything. The sundrenched haze is your chance to take risks with your fashion choices and embrace new trends. When in doubt, have an extra mojito. That always helps me.

under the sea When I was eight, every time I went swimming in my grandma’s pool I thought I was a mermaid.

My older sister told me I wasn’t and that I was stupid. She was a bitch. The bad news is she still is, but the good news is that she was dead wrong.

This summer is all about covering yourself in holographic sheen which FYI is 100% mermaid.

The focus of this trend is reflective materials that change colour in the blink of an eye like oil on a wet road. Keep it simple in some mirrored shades or go for that statement look with a topto-toe lustre.

it’s not easy being green, or blue for that matter You have probably heard the saying that, ‘blue and green must not be seen unless there’s something in between.’

I’ve never really understood this, and fashion, thankfully, is finally catching up. The main players for the start of summer are vibrant cobalts, sparkling emeralds and ocean-deep aquas. Like Kermit and Gonzo, one is not complete without the other. Mix up your blues and greens with block colours or in detailed patterns to create perfect harmony. Team this with a black and white palette to make the bold shades pop. You will literally make everyone green with envy.

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fringe benefits This summer, fringing is reinvented from its typical (read boring) boho roots to something with a much darker and edgier feel. It’s out with the hippy and in with the dominatrix! By that, I mean tasselicious pieces in dirty black leathers, soft suedes and slinky sheers draped to the floor.

Every movement that you make is a show, as the fringing moves in time with you, which is oh-so-sexy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all into hippies recycling and what not, I just don’t want to dress like one.

do the robot Get ready to bring out your best robot moves this summer girls. Fashion has stolen R2D2 and Rosie’s (the robot babe from The Jetsons in case you were wondering) look. High shine and statement metallics in luxe leathers and shiny satins, this look is all about amping up your sex appeal and creating drama.

Balance out the toughness of the metal by adding delicate jewels and ladylike makeup. You basically want people to liken you to Brooke Logan from The Bold and The Beautiful or a saucy robot. > Tory Price 37

men’s summer style fresh prints Fresh prints are a summer must have.

Just make sure that only one item of clothing you’re wearing has prints, or else it will look like a clash-stastrophe.

stripes Stripes always seem to make an appearance during summer, usually a mixture of navy and white, and red and white. Striped tops give off that nautical vibe, which I believe looks great on guys. Just remember that the stripes should be horizontal and NOT vertical.

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blazin’ Lightweight blazers will look very stylish when paired with shorts, a simple plain t-shirt and canvas shoes.

pastels are okay!

You can wear pastel colours.

Please don’t be scared and run off to your nearest footy bar to feel manly again.

Trust me, pastel colours aren’t only for women! Green, blue, yellow and even pink in a pastel tone will have to be given a chance.

accessorize If you want to wear a simple outfit like a white t-shirt and say, pastel blue shorts, then you should add an accessory, like sunglasses, a simple gold chain, a watch or a bracelet.

> Vesile Davraz 39

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41 > Ian Tyley

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43 > Ian Tyley

melanotan SINCE THE BANNING OF SOLARIUMS IN QUEENSLAND, AND INEVITABLY AUSTRALIA-WIDE, PEOPLE ARE SOURCING ALTERNATIVES SUCH AS THE DANGEROUS INJECTION MELANOTAN.

J

ust so everyone is clear before I venture any further, my stance on this new trend is a big, loud negative! Where did one’s obsession with being brown stem from? Well according to history, in the eyes of the fashion and beauty world, to sport a tan was considered unattractive, especially among women.

Stemming more than half a century ago, women took extremely great care of their skin to ensure their natural colour was protected and that the sun would not make them resemble the skin of a hard-working laborer. Sporting your natural colour, be it porcelain white or a glowing olive brown, was the most attractive way to appear.

That was until French fashion designer, Coco Chanel, accidentally allowed her once milkywhite body to get a bit too much sun whilst she was on board a yacht to Cannes. Suddenly, a craze was born. Upon seeing photographs of Chanel, fellow celebrities were chasing the sun to catch the 44

rays they thought would make them more beautiful.

As the decades wore on, people the world over were lying out in the garden on sun beds, investing in expensive sun tanning lotions and potions, even booking themselves into harmful solariums. All the while, dermatologists and oncologists in Western nations were rather alarmed by an increase in skin cancers. As they do to this very day, they warned that damage to the skin builds up over time, leading to excess amounts of freckles and sunspots, wrinkled, leathery skin and most disturbingly, skin cancer.

Perhaps you’re thinking, well why wouldn’t you rather inject yourself with a tan then bake it outside under the harmful UV rays? Well, how about this for a slap-to-the-face answer: medical experts and professors are announcing that Melanotan is just as dangerous as constant exposure to the sun, if not worse!

Doctors are proclaiming that using Melanotan, which countless Aussie’s are buying and ordering over the Internet, can accelerate the development of skin cancers. Any doctor worth his title has explained that taking a drug that has not been fully tested and injecting it into yourself is a dangerous act to commit. It is not safe because it has not been rigorously tested in the way commercial drugs would be.

One user, whose identity I cannot reveal due to privacy laws, admitted she receives weekly injections at a friend’s house for a mere $10 a shot!

This user is a promotional model and explained due to her work environment she prefers to be tanned and would much rather be injected with Melanotan than use a sun bed.

Call me old-fashioned, but here’s a wild idea: how about you don’t use EITHER! Why not slip-slop-slap and be conscious of the sun and its strength? Or, my personal favourite, why don’t

people embrace what they have and love and cherish themselves? We only have one body and it saddens me that so many people continue to abuse it. In the wise words of Jim Rohn, ‘Take care of your body; it’s the only place you have to live.’

The Therapeutic Goods Administration has not registered Melanotan for use in Australia and it is classified as a prescription-only medicine.

Importing it without a doctor’s approval can lead to a $170,000 fine and 12 months imprisonment.

> Mia Francisco 45

why movies suck

THE FALL OF HOLLYWOOD AND THE RISE OF THE STUDIO SYSTEM

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et’s be completely honest – movies these days plain and simply suck!

Sure, there’s a lot of good movies around, a lot of decent ones too – but the number of films that I could call great which have come out in the last two decades, I could probably count on both of my hands.

The last great film I can think of was, aptly, The Great Gatsby, which came out early last year.

An absolutely over-the-top flamboyant spectacle which, obviously, cost a shit-load of money but was, at it’s heart, a labor of love by master filmmaker Baz Luhrmann, who had complete and utter respect for the screenplay’s source material.

The last great film I can think of that came out before Gatsby would probably have to be 2012’s Silver Linings Playbook. A film with no stupid special effects, no mind-numbing action sequences and no sweeping John Williams score. It was a gorgeous film with a wonderful, heart-warming story and with an amazing cast of actors.

Before that I’d have to pinpoint The Black Swan. This film has gone on to be one of my alltime favourites. The film is a beautifully crafted psychological-horror film with a lot of heart, a lot of love and a hell of a lot of originality. It’s got a wonderful script and an amazing cast to boot.

Unfortunately though, great films don’t come along out of the ‘Hollywood Studio System’ too often. If you look at my list, there’s an average of one every year or two. I say ‘Hollywood Studio System’ because I understand that there are a lot of beautiful independent films out there that simply 46

don’t get enough credit. What I’m talking about here are films that have been born and raised through the mega-machine that is the ‘Hollywood Studio System’ or basically, any film made and distributed through a big-budget studio.

So, you’re probably asking, how do you determine a great film? Simple – a great film, to me, is any film that hits the right emotional chords with simply a great original script, a great cast and a wonderfully simple way of touching your emotions. It’s a film with no unnecessary computer-generated special effects (I don’t mind the use of CGI, but only if it’s utilized to tell the story). It’s a film with no randomly thrown in action sequences that distract you from the plot of the film… if there even was one to begin with.

These kinds of films I like to call guilty pleasures – we watch them, we get a kick out of them, but they do not satisfy us. They’re films that, even though somewhat enjoyable, simply suck, and we know it.

A great film, is one that strives NOT to be great. It’s a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously and one that doesn’t just throw in a bunch of A-grade (or one-time A-grade) stars to draw in a crowd of dummies. A great film is a film that, against all odds, attempts to be a good film but strikes an unexpected chord with an audience – making it great.

Pre-1970 and the advent of computergenerated special effects, I’d need a whole lot of hands to count the number of great films. In the early days of cinema, films were simply made to entertain an audience. They didn’t rely on boxoffice results to label a film great, they just were.

And they sure as hell didn’t need a hundred million dollars worth of special effects to strike a chord. Consider The Wizard of Oz – it opened in cinemas to rave reviews from both the media and the public, but because of low crowd numbers due to events relating to the beginning of World War II, the film was considered a box office flop.

Let’s take a look at 1942’s Casablanca, one of my absolute favourites and a film classic, constantly labeled as one of the greatest films ever made. Casablanca, simply, is perfect – but it wasn’t meant to be. Last year, Warner Bros. Studios, the studio behind Casablanca, released 21 films, whereas back in the 40’s, they were known to release in excess of 50 a year, but not every film was a huge cinematic event. It was as if the film studios were a well-oiled machine and each film was just one product in a long line of products coming off the conveyor belt. No film, with the exception of the major event films like Gone with the Wind, was any more special than the last.

Casablanca was just one of the many films coming off the conveyor belt at the Warner Bros.

Studios in 1942. It wasn’t a special film by any means. It had no real star-power attached to it (though Bogart and Bergman had done many films beforehand, they were yet to be labeled stars), the screenplay, which was based on a script for an un-produced play, was written by two screen-

writers who had yet to write a major film, and the film’s budget, compared to the larger films of the era, was considerably measly. However, somehow, Casablanca, a film that was treated just like every other film being churned out by the WB-Machine in 1942, ended up as one of the most celebrated and most perfect films of all time.

Just about every line in Casablanca is quotable… in fact, in the American Film Institute’s 2005 list of the 100 greatest film quotes of all time, Casablanca places six times (more than any other film on the list), finding it’s most famous line, ‘here’s lookin’ at you, kid,’ placing at number 5 on the list. That’s credit to one amazingly perfect script (one which, remember, was ‘just another script’). The performances in the film are perfect and the wonderful set, costume and cinematic design are absolutely flawless. Casablanca goes to show just what a great film equates to – one that, against all odds, prevails to become amazing and perfect, without even trying to be.

Casablanca, such a small film at the time of filming, has become synonymous with other Hollywood classics like 1939’s Gone With the Wind and The Wizard of Oz – two of the biggest productions of the late-thirties / early-forties. That is why films pre-Hollywood Studio System are so amazing. They were crafted beautifully and perfectly – no matter what they were. > 47

Small films were treated with the same amount of blood, sweat, tears, love and care as big blockbuster epics were. Filmmakers loved making movies and studios loved putting movies into production, no matter what they were. The same amount of love and care went into Casablanca as went into Gone With the Wind, because back then, movies were simply movies. There were no cut corners.

All films were treated with the same loving respect.

The problem with today’s filmmaking is that smaller films are rarely treated with the respect they deserve. A film studio will slash funding and treat the production and distribution of a small film horribly, just so they can make their big-budget blockbusters (the films that suck) prevail over the little guy (the films that can be considered great). I spoke to Aussie film director Gregor Jordan a few years ago about his life in film, and I remember him telling me a story about how one of his smaller independent films was bought for distribution by one of the biggest Hollywood companies and then placed on a shelf and not released for two or three years, simply so it could be buried and almost forgotten about, so that the blockbuster films could have their day and the smaller films wouldn’t even see the light of it. And this happens more often than you could imagine.

And at that, even the blockbuster films aren’t treated with a lot of respect – there’s no love, there’s no care, no blood, sweat and tears. Honestly, there’s not a whole lot of originality, just a whole lot of money blown on recycled stories so a lot of money can be earned.

Before the advent of computer-generated effects, filmmakers created all their effects oncamera and live on set. Every stunt, every explosion, every effect you see in any classic film was filmed on a live set. Epics like Ben-Hur, Cleopatra and The Ten Commandments and fantasies like The Wizard of Oz didn’t need green screens to put their actors into a magical or surreal world. All they needed was a lavish set and 48

a painted backdrop. Whatever happened to that?

The more real, the more tangible a film’s landscape is, the more the film seems genuine – just knowing Liz Taylor was riding that large real throne through those massive real gates on that gigantic real set is so much more awe-inspiring than some special effects heavy film with a guy riding in a fake car on a digital backdrop. Seeing that chariot ride scene in Ben-Hur and knowing it actually happened and wasn’t created in a computer is something really special.

Apart from a handful of recent action flicks, like Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy, which used real explosions and on-set visual effects where it could, the only films that really get it right these days are the independent flicks. Low budget, beautifully written and well established scripts with original stories and wonderful performances from some of the best – all done on a low budget, away from a controlling studio system. Problem is, we rarely see a lot of indie flicks because, as I’ve previously mentioned, they’re usually kept away from the public eye or simply not given enough money or opportunities to advertise and market themselves properly.

Seriously, just think about it, how many commercials and how much hype did you see over the Jennifer Lawrence indie film Silver Linings Playbook versus the amount of hype and advertising you saw over her most recent big budget Hunger Games film.

As much as I love film (all kinds of films – even the shit ones), it’s obvious that a lot of today’s filmmaking plain and simply sucks. It’s a sad fact that the almighty dollar has ruined what was once such a beautiful, romantic labor of love, turning it into nothing but a dense, vapid and careless art form and there’s not a whole lot we can do to change that.

I guess I’ll just curl up on the couch and continuously watch Ben-Hur until the memories of the last Transformers film have been erased from my mind. > Dave Lee

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> Ian Tyley

Man of Tai Chi Keanu Reeves, has returned (this time behind the camera) with a tribute to the old kung-fu movies of old, an exercise in high-action direction and a disregard for adequate dialogue or plot. As Reeves’ first directorial efforts, it’s not terrible. The action is directed superbly, as Keanu shows love and respects for a genre that he made a name in. To see Tai Chi in its various styles and actions being implemented in an action film is a wonderfully fresh take on the plot of ‘take protégé into room and watch him beat up other people’.

There’s a nice twist to freshen up the well-worn plot threads and clichés, and main actor Tiger Chen has the chops for a leading role, and Reeves is clearly having a lot of fun playing the main antagonist. It’s a shame that the dialogue is so poorly written, the plot so clichéd and hammy, and the overall feel of it unoriginal. Watch it for the superb action, and for Reeves’ take on the Mortal Kombat quote; ‘Finish him!’

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire As the follow-up to the first Hunger Games, Catching Fire improves on its predecessor in just about every way. First and most noticeably: the godawful shaky-cam from the first film is either severely reduced or negated entirely. Seems they spent $50 of that $140million budget on a tripod.

Superbly acted by Jennifer Lawrence portraying Katniss Everdeen, the film is a wonderfully deep and enriching experience of post-apocalyptic scenarios and as clever and thought provoking as its book counterpart. Everyone brings their A-game, and even the painfully bad Hemsworth and Hutcherson do well here, and the romance is given an actual context. Harrelson is a delight to watch and new characters such as the charismatic Finnick and psychotic Johanna Mason are infectious on-screen. Catching Fire is phenomenal and I can only hope it only continues upwards from here.

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Carrie

> Kevin He

As the inevitable remake of a beloved horror classic, Carrie was already fighting a losing battle.

Unfortunately, the remake is not only completely useless and gives no reason for existing in the first place, but is so scared to tread new ground that it ends up even more disappointing. Despite a promising opening, some gorgeous camera work and a stunning performance from Chloe Moretz, it’s completely unremarkable. Carrie is the story of an ostracised and ridiculed girl developing telekinesis, all culminating in the world-famous prom scene: where Carrie unleashes hell on her tormenters.

Judy Greer plays the gym teacher well enough, but not enough time is given to her to truly feel sympathy for her character, as with Sue Snell, the bully with a conscience, convincing her boyfriend Tommy to take Carrie to prom. Julianne Moore is outstanding here as the mother, and her scenes with Moretz are by far the highlight of the film. In the words of Scream 4, ‘Don’t fuck with the original’.

Stoker As Chan-Wook Park’s first English language debut, I was incredibly excited to see Stoker.

Unfortunately, daring visuals and a dark brooding atmosphere doesn’t make up for an awful script laced with plot holes, unsympathetic characters and a film that feels empty as a whole. Stoker is a beautiful feast for the eyes: gorgeous imagery is laden throughout the film. Park does his best to pick up the pieces, but the screenplay is garbage, the characters are disinteresting and thus the plot suffers. Stoker tells the story of India Stoker, a girl whose father dies in a car crash. Soon enough a mysterious man enters her and her mothers’ lives, seemingly her uncle but of course things aren’t what they seem. The acting is decent, and Matthew Goode as the mysterious Charlie does a great job. I wouldn’t write off Park after this: I’d love to see him write and direct his next film.

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taking drugs at music festivals THE NEED FOR A DIFFERENT APPROACH TO DRUGS AT MUSIC EVENTS

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usic festivals are a feast for the senses. Whatever the weather is will be bearing down on the audience all day, and the sights and sounds of music festivals dominate participants aurally. All over the grounds are people talking, shouting and screaming along to lyrics, and where the bands aren’t playing, music is blasting from powerful speakers. Put simply, time spent at a festival is intense.

And this is exactly what audiences want. In fact, the more intense, the better. One consistently popular way to achieve the most intense experience is to take drugs. Drugs heighten the senses and if music festivals are all about a sensual experience, it only makes sense they go hand-inhand with drugs. MDMA, ecstasy, cocaine, LSD, marijuana and plenty of other narcotics are all popular ways for people to increase their enjoyment.

At the Electric Zoo Festival in Randalls Island NY, held over Labour Day Weekend last September, two attendees in their twenties died of a drug overdose after taking a lethal mix of MDMA and methylone. Defqon music festival in Sydney saw one man die and fourteen others hospitalised after suspected drug use. Over the years, Big Day Out has seen yearly hospitalisations and 52

overdoses, sometimes resulting in deaths, many of them drug-related.

The most popular and dangerous drug being taken at music festivals lately is MDMA or “Molly�. Simply put, MDMA is the pure form of ecstasy, so the main ingredient is extracted and usually ingested nasally (snorted) in powder form.

Ecstasy is still popular, but being served in a mysterious pill form, drug-users have become wary of what in the past has been cut into the pills, including ketamine, speed and in some cases, rat poison and cleaning products. Most stories concerning ecstasy cut with poison turn out to be urban legends, but users feel safer knowing MDMA is defined by its purity.

Unfortunately this leaves the problem of dosage, which is the main cause of hospitalisations and fatalities. Because MDMA is a chemically based drug created in labs, there are quite strict rules for a safe dosage and dire consequences if these are ignored. But because the use of illegal drugs is unquestionably outlawed, there is no safe usage information being provided.

Users, especially younger users, are inexperienced and unsure how much is too much. An average, safe dose would be around 60-100 milligrams and anything more is dependent upon body size, but anything above 200mg is pushing into

dangerous territory. But if kids are buying from anonymous dealers who just want their cash, they have to experiment with the drugs themselves. The law has and will continue to fail to outlaw the use of these drugs.

The law banning illegal drugs is the equivalent to an old parenting cliché: If you tell your children not to do something, they will go out and do it. Festival-goers who want to take drugs at a festival see the laws preventing this only as obstacles. And because most governments refuse to lift the restriction, there is no wide-spread government-funded safe drug-use information.

Users need to know what they are taking, how much they are taking and what can happen when they take it.

Fortunately, for those willing to look, there is incredibly useful information available. The US and Canada-based organisation DanceSafe promotes a “non-judgmental” approach focusing on “harm-reduction” and “popular education”.

Setting up at music festivals and concerts, DanceSafe will provide ecstasy pill-testing, assistance with those suffering severe effects and will answer any questions festival-goers may have for them. Their aim is to create an environment in which users may enjoy themselves safely and not feel afraid to seek assistance when they need it.

Erowid is another excellent source of research and first-hand experience for first-timers using a new substance.

The problem with enforcing a law against possession and ingestion of narcotics as the only method of minimalizing harm comes down to a lack of respect. The law’s zero tolerance level demonstrates a refusal to understand the choices festival-goers are making. Those taking drugs to enhance their experience at music festivals in turn refuse to show respect by obeying the laws and will continue to do so if nothing changes. Safe-usage information does not aim to increase the use of drugs as some believe it does, it simply acknowledges what is happening and will continue to happen in all cultures, predominately with youth, and uses a safe and informative approach to monitor it. Time will tell if the method catches on, but how many more fatalities have to occur before the law reconsiders its approach?

> Tom Bensley 53

first date etiquette CHEEKY CHAPTERS

I

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have always been told to never settle for second best, because holding onto something that isn’t worth my time shows that I am too afraid to strive for better. Being afraid demonstrates a sign of weakness. And weakness is evidently insecurity. No one wants to be known as an insecure person.

However, has it ever occurred to you that while we are too busy focusing on all the flaws in someone and eliminating all the second bests (for small and pathetic reasons), we are failing to even give consider giving anyone a proper chance?

Don’t get me wrong, if you have been dating old Joe Blow for six months now and you’re yet to be introduced to his life, family, or friends then yeah sure, he may be an axe murderer that you might want to be cautious of.

However, if you have gone on a date with a really nice bloke who had food stuck in his teeth the entire time, or said a few odd comments about his addiction to computer games, then why not give him another chance? After all, no one is perfect right? When they are, we claim that it’s too good to be true. And we are generally spot-on.

to end up looking like a bald ballerina. I was not off to a good start. Being newly single, I wanted to look hot as fuck. While I was sipping cocktails on the couch of the Birdcage, (a section out at Flemington) I was pretty much breath taken by the drunk, blue-eyed dude standing at the bar.

He strutted his way towards me, before planting his butt right beside mine.

He smiled, told me that I was gorgeous and then asked how my day was.

His striking young features lead me to believe that I was dealing with another twenty-year old boy and after recent events; my chapter was closed for being a cougar.

He quickly reassured me that he was 27 years old and proceeded to give me his business card. Before wandering off into the crowd, he kindly informed me that his Versace suit was waterproof then poured beer on himself. I thought it was funny, in a wankerish kind of way.

I slid his business card into my purse and creepily watched him scouring the place. I couldn’t quite work out whether he was an absolute player, or he was just into meeting lots of new people. Either way, he had me curious.

Just over a month ago, I attended the Melbourne Stakes Day races. Prior to the event, I spent hours at a hairdresser only

I messaged him that night, but before the conversation escalated anywhere, I woke up the next morning with nothing but an

empty McDonalds bag next to my face. Well at least I didn’t have to worry about the awkward, ‘should I call you a cab home?’

Sometimes 3am munchies can be your best friend. As the rule goes, I either kiss a boy or I smash some food into my gob. Generally it’s food for the win.

This lead me to think, are there really rules in what you can or cannot say on a first date? Like sure, there are the basics. Don’t bring up the ex conversation, marriage, kids, political/religious differences, or anything that makes you look somewhat psychotic.

But since when was it against the etiquette of a first date to be yourself? Was he seriously Long story short – he invited me on our first date. meant to sit there that night and paint me a He was funny, cute, charming and a really good picture of the person he isn’t? To be honest, I think kisser. We laughed a lot. And we literally did not it sounds fucking stupid. shut up the entire time, talking about everything

When did we beside to become too Godfrom pornography to his expulsion from school damn picky in determining whether the charming, for hacking the computers, to selling year 11 exbachelor sitting opposite us is in fact good enough ams to his mates. Besides the fact that I busted him to be next to us? quickly eyeing off another girl (he’s only human),

And since when did we become THAT he was a true gentleman that night. He was polite. much better than everyone else who’s on offer for He hailed a cab down for me at the end of our us? It’s like we want the best of everything; yet, can evening. And he also paid for my meal. I walked we honestly say that we are the best ourselves? away with every intention of seeing him again.

A day later, I was having coffs and goss I’m so sick of people (women in particular) with one of my chicky babes, sharing all the juicy complaining about the lack of fish in the sea. Yet, details of the first date. From what we ate, to what while we’re busy fishing and getting plenty of bites, he wore. She then asked me what he and I spoke we’re letting these perfectly eatable fishies swim about. away, because one might be a little too short. Or

‘Everything! We literally talked about the other one talks funny. everything. My magazine and how I write a sex

I’m not sure why we have become so column. We also spoke about how he hacked shallow in the world of dating; maybe social computers.’ I said. media is to blame because of this new and serious ‘He what?’ she questioned. ly worrying epidemic. I find that we are spending

‘Yeah. He actually got expelled from his too many hours critiquing our online identity and school for hacking computers. He seems really image, that we fail to forget whom the actual real smart.’ I responded. She coughed up her lunch us is. Or maybe are we afraid to show people the in shock of what I had just said. But she wasn’t real us, because what we have created false online shocked about the story. identity?

‘Wait, he told you that on a first date? As

It’s quite ironic really, while we are busy if someone would say that on a first date. That’s using our online social outlets to portray this weird. You don’t believe him do you?’ She asked. perception that we are fun, outgoing, happy and I sat back, thought about what she had just stated loving life; that wasted time spent, is actually and I said, ‘people have a tendency of telling me a isolating us from real conversation with the real lot of things and to be honest, I didn’t even think world. twice about it.’

What’s wrong with eliminating real conversation? You can’t control the self in time. > 55

Social media helps us define our selfimage with the option of edit, and with edit, comes delete. Instead of building true friendships, we are too focused on self-promotion. Investing hours on end building our profile. Pursuing the optimal choice of words in our next message. Which evidently is creating this impossible expectancy in real conversation to never have ANY differences, or ANY mistakes.

A long time ago before the world of social media even came into existence, female would meet male, both would date, if they had common interests then they would go on a second date. The end.

There were no intricacies of self-image and profile perfection.

Now, before the male even has time to breathe, female is already scoping male out on Facebook to find out whether he’s tall enough, good looking enough, cool enough, what school he went to, where he hangs out and even down to the size of the poor bloke’s naked Wang, thanks to one of his dickhead mates uploading it on Facebook. And if he passes the Facebook test, he still has to sit the first date test.

And if he doesn’t match up to his Facebook identity, then he may as well kiss his sweet arse goodbye. Life is some cut-throat bullshit.

I’m not saying that guys aren’t the same, as there are some shallow motherfuckers out there more concerned about the size of a girls boobs than her actual brain capacity, but like this whole small minded trend that is sweeping across Gen-Y, seriously needs to stop.

I can guarantee that the majority of girls who are reading this article and are 56

single have THE LIST in their heads. And I blame social media for the ever-growing list that is occurring. If you’re not familiar with the list, it’s that little voice in your head that’s telling you everything that’s RIGHT/WRONG with this poor fella opposite you. It’s the “marriage material list”. It’s also the list that leaves us single for a VERY long time.

Because that stupid list of requirements is longer than our childhood Santa Christmas list was. And Santa is a hard man to beat. He gave us everything we wanted as a child, unless we were naughty of course!

I’m not telling you to completely scrap all common sense in deciding whether he’s the right one for you. But just keep it simple.

1.

He’s kind to the wait staff/taxi driver/doorman. A man who can treat people well no matter what their income level in life will treat you in a more considerate way, no matter what your profession. Plus, there’s nothing more attractive than a male having manners.

2.

He’s not self-absorbed. Instead of blathering on about himself, he asks smart questions that don’t come off as probing.

And if, he happens to be cute, smart and quick with a self-deprecating one-liner, marry the guy! But seriously: a guy who asks you questions rather than reciting his resume is someone who is capable of caring about someone else.

3.

His mobile is NOT in eye view.

Unless he’s an on-call surgeon or volunteer fireman, that iPhone should be nowhere in sight. If he takes casual calls during your date, he has other priorities, and you may

always come in second. Ask yourself this: Do you want to get involved with a guy who can’t go two hours without talking to his buddies?

4.

He mentions his mum in passing. As the saying goes ‘you can always tell how a man is going to treat you by looking at his relationship with his mum’. If he’s talking about her with respect, then there’s a good chance he has a great relationship with her!

5.

He gazes at your face. That’s instead of your décolletage, the mirror behind your head, or the 700gm porterhouse on his plate. A man who focuses on your eyes when you’re talking may be looking for a deeper connection. By paying particular attention to your face and therefore giving himself the ability to pick up your verbal and non-verbal cues, he’s telling you that understanding you is important to him.

As for the colour of his hair, gross stain on his shirt, or the size of his shoe; unless there’s no real connection, then fuck your long-arse list. Life’s too short to be selective. Unless you don’t mind being alone forever.

> Sarah Long

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EDITORIAL Emily Eaton Editor Sarah Long Creative Director Dave Lee Assistant Editor Jordan Ellis Advertising/Marketing CONTRIBUTORS Tom Bensley Entertainment Benny Thompson Music Tory Price Fashion Vesile Davraz Fashion Kevin He Entertainment Mitchell Pascoe Sport Mia Francisco Life David Meadows Music Isobella Van Schaik Life Photography Tom Morphett

Blaire Magazine is an Australian-based interactive publication dedicated to the arts and entertainment. Launched in 2012 as a blog project, Blaire’s initial success raised big interview and press opportunities, allowing for a relaunch in May 2013.

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