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FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

SPORTS NEWS

THE SUPER BOWL: A GAMBLER’S PARADISE By Keysha Hogan @TheKeysha

SPORTS NEWS ON DECK 3 BAD BOYS BAD BOYS 3 UFC 143 PREVIEW 4 MAVERICKS NEWS 6 STARS NEWS 7 THE PERFECT TWEET 8 COVER STORY ULTIMATE SUPER BOWL PARTY 9 SUPER BOWL PATROL 10 SUPER BOWL PREVIEW 10-11 SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAMES 11 BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK ASHLEY 12 BLITZ ENTERTAINMENT Keys to Success 13 Seven Things in Seven Days 13 Restaurant Review 14 Trail of Whiskey 14 Hollywood Shuffle 15 Hollywood Profile 15 Movie Review 15 Auto Review 16 Gadgets 16 Joystick 16 BLITZ FUNNYS Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 THE CLOSER Weekend Relaxer 18 The Perfect Candidate 18 2-Minute Drill 18 Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor C. Patterson Graphic Designer Damien Mayfield Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photographer Keith Allison Cover Design Damien Mayfield Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Hannah Allen, Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Judy Chamberlain, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Tommy Smith, Jesse Whitman Contributing Photographers Keith Allison, Kris Bowers, Dominic Ceraldi, Greg Chow, Adam Cohn, Cliff Cooper, Shane L. Cuthbert, Tom Ducat-White, David Goodspeed, AJ Guel, Jef Harris, Jamie McCarthy, Jason Persse, John Pozadzides, Neil Skylar, Simon Thomas, Dustin Wax, DonkeyHotey, GeeJ, jmaldona, leah1201I Contributing Writers Brian Beard, Jay Betsill, Sonny Capps, Keysha Hogan, Mateeka Lanee, Aeryn Ripley, Darnell Scribes, Jonathan Sullivan, Joe Stumpo,The Bum

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

On Sunday, an estimated 100 million people will tune into Super Bowl XLVI. There are many Giants and Patriot fans that will watch because they crave gridiron glory, but many other’s will watch because its one of the biggest betting days in all of sports. In Las Vegas, betting parlors are expecting to take in roughly $90 million in wagers. Millions more will be gambled online, at offshore casinos, in the break rooms at work, and over tables of wings and beer. Rapper Brian “Birdman” Williams recently tweeted that he was ready to place a $5 million dollar bet for the Patriots because his nephew BenJarvus Green-Ellis is their starting running back. I know the Internet collectively rolled their eyes, but the man once paid $500,000 for white gold-plated, diamond-encrusted teeth. That’s right, he literally put his money where his mouth is. Although you probably aren’t betting a fortune on the game or fancy mouth jewelry, it’s smart to do your research before breaking the bank. According to Jimmy Vaccaro, the director of sports operations at Lucky’s Race and Sportsbook in Las Vegas, placing multiple bets is the way to go. It will be tempting to use your money to cheer on your favorite team, but if you hedge your bet you’ll lessen the damage if things don’t go your way. Try placing proposition bets on each team’s total yardage or how many sacks a defensive end will have. For example, if you favor the Patriots then place smaller bets on the Giants’ defense or Brady’s passing game.

Many of you will decide to take the everpopular over-under bet and guess the total number of points scored. Just keep in mind that this game will be played on an artificial surface, with no impact from the elements, so it’s likely to be a high scoring affair. Professional gambler Lem Banker has often said that most people lose when betting on sports. He advises everyone to listen closely to what others are doing, and then do the opposite. Personally, I’m not much of a gambler. When I spend my money I need to get something in return other than anxiety and high blood pressure. But I do love the kitsch that comes with big high stakes games. This year maybe you could take the advice of Princess, the camel, from New Jersey. She has correctly predicted five of the Photo Courtesy: Greg Chow last six Super Bowl winners and went 14-6 during the regular and postseason. In case you’re curious, Princess has put her hump on the line and has foreseen a Giants victory. So this year, if you do decide to brave the gambling waters, why not try sweetening the pot. I’m certain if you upped the ante by throwing in a tank of gas or a Shake Weight you’ll get a few takers. And make sure to spend this week doing plenty of research. The data out there is limitless and hyper specific to any weird small wagers you decide to take. No matter how you pick the winner or how it all turns out, I sincerely hope lady luck is on your side. Just make sure to strut proudly as you waltz into work on Monday and collected crumpled 20-dollar bills from your bitter coworkers.

Ian Mahinmi @ianmahinmi

Da Ring is just too shiny my brothers ur eyes just can’t handle dem diamonds. Put some shades on b4 u check pics G.

YAY, YOU’RE FAMOUS! SO YOUR CELLMATES WILL KNOW YOUR NAME!

Flag On The Play San Francisco 49ers’ linebacker Aldon Smith knows how to party – as a matter of fact he parties so hard the cops had to take notice. Smith was pulled over in Miami for driving under the influence last Saturday. Miami Beach police arrested the ’11 seventh overall draft pick and he was held on $1,000 bond. Goodell will not be pleased.

A Rose by Any Other Name When you name yourself after one of the most notorious gangsters in American history one should expect some extra attention from our friends with badges from time to time. As was the case for the Cleveland-born rapper Machine Gun Kelly last weekend when he was busted in St. Petersburg, FL for misdemeanor disorderly conduct. If you’re going to name yourself Machine Gun you should have higher aspirations than just misdemeanors. What a waste. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

UFC 143

DIAZ VS. CONDIT By Brian Beard comments@blitzweekly.com

Nick Diaz (27-7-1) vs. Carlos “Natural Born Killer” Condit (27-5-0):

Wow. WOw. WOW! This will be a fight to remember! It is no secret that Diaz is my favorite fighter of all time, but I will try not to be biased here. These two really have similar styles as they are aggressive as hell! Diaz has great hands/boxing, but does not like to move his head much. He just eats punch after punch and keeps his hands in his opponents face in the meantime. Condit swings for the fences and has been known to knock a mofo out! He drops his opponents in one punch. Diaz will hit his opponent 1,497 times and wear them completely out. Diaz will be intense and talking a ton of sh!t in the cage. Condit will be more down to business. I worry about Diaz taking a good shot that drops him but I will never pick against him. I call Diaz via TKO in the third! Diaz will have more endurance. This cat is a machine. Stockton motherf*cker!

Photo Courtesy: 411mania.com

Roy “Big Country” Nelson (17vs. Fabricio “Vai Cavalo” Werdum (14-5-1): 6-0)

Battle of the big boys here! Werdum is most recently known for beating the once thought unbeatable Fedor, via triangle choke. His submission game is on point! Nelson is no slouch on the ground either. Even though Nelson looks like a fat slob, he is one bad dude with surprising endurance. He can go the distance in a fight with just about anyone. Werdum’s only recent loss was to Alistair Overeem, who just beat the brakes off of Brock Lesnar. This is a big fight for both of these guys and I see Werdum winning this fight via submission in the second round!

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UFC 143

Saturday, February 4 – 9PM

WATCH IT AT:

Photo Courtesy: CagedInsider.com

Josh “Kos” Koscheck (18-5-0) vs. Mike Pierce (13-4-0):

Want fireworks? This fight should deliver! Two good wrestlers that are very explosive. Pierce has talked a little sh!t and Koscheck has answered. Pierce is the young cat and a relative newcomer to the UFC while Kos has fought for the world title and has fought the best of the best. I think Koscheck needs this more. If he loses, he may never return to the top. I think that Kos wins the wrestling aspect of the fight and even has an edge on the feet, but Pierce is like a Tasmanian devil and will come to bang. I see Kos winning via decision in an exciting fight featuring a good dose of stand up!

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

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FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR By Geoff Case @geoffcase

UPCOMING SCH SCHEDULE: HEDUL UL LE: E: 2/1 Thunder 7:00 p.m. 2/3 Pacers 7:30 p.m. 2/4 @ Cavaliers 6:30 p.m. 2/8 @ Nuggets 8:00 p.m.

The Dallas Mavericks finally hosted their reminisce on what an incredible run it was. championship ring ceremony to a packed It was the same video shown on Christmas house before playing the Minnesota Tim- Day, but also included new segments like berwolves last Wednesday. It was the the banner raising and the team’s trip to final event celebrating the Mavericks im- the White House to meet President Barack probable 2011 title run. Strangely, the Obama earlier this month. There was energy and electricity in the ring ceremony was a full air as the fans applauded month after raising the and cheered on the rebanner before the season maining members of their opener on Christmas Day. championship team. It was The rings weren’t available a bittersweet ceremony for the season opener bewith so many vital players cause Cuban waited until missing who helped the after the NBA lockout so Mavericks capture their he could discuss differfirst title. The four players ent designs with the playfrom last season’s team not ers. The end result being present to get rings were a championship ring that Corey Brewer, Caron Butcontains 250 diamonds ler, Tyson Chandler and and is a whopping 10 karDeShawn Stephenson. ats that Jason Kidd, Dirk Carlisle said he looked Nowitzki, and Jason Terry forward to presenting helped design. The inside rings to those players later of the band features the this season. Barea, who Mavs’ first logo in honor missed his fourth consecuof Don Carter, the team’s tive game for Minnesota first owner. It also lists the because of a sprained left win/loss results from their ankle, received a huge four playoff series. It was ovation when he was the a very important night for first player introduced by the franchise. On the top Carlisle. Mark Cuban inof the ring, which is made tentionally planned this cerof 14-karat white gold, the emony to coincide with the edges read “World ChamWolves’ visit so that Barea, pions,” with 10 diamonds Photo Courtesy: Dallas Mavericks who was integral to capturrunning along the right and left sides. In the middle of the ring is the ing the title, could attend. Carlisle introMavericks horse with “31 princess-cut dia- duced each player by recalling a specific monds — one for each year the Dallas Mav- playoff memory that the team member proericks have been in Dallas and the NBA,” duced. He introduced Jason Kidd as the according to the company that produced greatest point guard in Mavericks history the ring, the Jostens jewelry company. Cu- before getting to the final player left withban said he paid a total of $1.4 million for out a ring. However the loudest the crowd the rings for the 15 players and the entire got the entire night was when Dirk Nowitcoaching staff. Each diamond-encrusted zki received his ring. Carlisle announced beauty is estimated to cost $40,000. The his final member as the “Ten-time All-Star, franchise also doled out the bling to former 2007 league MVP, 2011 Finals MVP; one Mavs Derek Harper, Rolando Blackman, day soon we’ll have a statue outside the and Brad Davis for all their contributions AAC, without question, the greatest player to the franchise. Davis is the radio color in Mavericks history -- Dirk Nowitzki.” The broadcaster, Harper works on the televi- crowd screamed with excitement as Nowsion broadcast and Blackman works for itzki accepted his ring, held it toward the rafters, and then placed it on his finger. It the organization within the community. The ceremony began with an emotional was a touching moment between the big video of the Mavericks being handed the German and his loyal fans. It was a moNBA championship trophy at the end of ment that fans of the Dallas Mavericks and the finals and other playoff highlights. It Dirk Nowitzki will never forget. clearly got the fans and players excited to VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

STARS AT THE ALL-STAR BREAK By Tony Barone tbarone@blitzweekly.com The Dallas Stars hit the All-Star Break on a high note following a gritty 1-0 win over the Anaheim Ducks. The oft-injured team should welcome the chance to get away from the game for five days. The win snapped their 0-4-1 slide and the Stars now find themselves with a 25-21-2 record, tied with Phoenix and Calgary for 10th in the Western Conference, three points back of Minnesota who is in the eighth and final playoff spot. “That was huge,” said goaltender Kari Lehtonen, who made 27 saves to earn his first shutout of the season and 18th of his

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

UPCOMING OMING NG SCHEDUL SCHEDULE: LE: E: 2/1 @ Ducks 9:30 p.m. 2/2 @ Sharks 9:30 p.m. 2/4 Wild 7:00 p.m. 2/7 Coyotes 7:30 p.m. Metroplex during their time off, taking advantage of a rare opportunity to get away from hockey, and the club’s dogfight for a playoff spot. “I’m going away with the family, the whole family, we’re going away to the Bahamas,” Robidas revealed. “So I’ll spend some time with the kids and just enjoy ourselves.” “I’m just going to rest for a couple of days, and maybe go somewhere for another couple of days,” added Lehtonen. “I haven’t really thought about it, it’s just to stay away from the rink. It’s been a long

Dallas Polo Club

LE A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG

C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1

Photo Courtesy: Dominic Ceraldi

career. “We talked about it a little before; we really wanted to give a good effort and give everything because there’s lots of time to rest now and enjoy our families.” Several key players are still nursing injuries, including All-Star Jamie Benn (Appendectomy) and Captain Brenden Morrow (Neck). The break will enable the Stars to heal up and come back stronger when the season resumes on February 1 in Anaheim. “I’ll just get a good rest and try to recover and rejuvenate and get ready for a big stretch in February,” noted defenseman Stephane Robidas, who missed six games with a foot injury in late December. “I got a couple little nagging injuries it’ll be nice to get rid of, so it couldn’t have come at a better time,” said winger Eric Nystrom of the break. “It’s good to get a couple of days off, for sure.” A number of players will be leaving the

year and this is good, it’s kind of halfway and you get a rest and then you get to go to work again.” Gulutzan pointed out that he encouraged the players to get away and escape mentally from the grind of the playoff chase, but also emphasized that he expects them to return fired up and ready to roll when practice resumes. “We’re in a battle for a playoff spot,” said Gulutzan. “You don’t know what’s going to happen long-term, but it only looks like possibly one or two spots are (up for grabs). We’re in a battle to get one of those spots and it’s going to be a telling month (February) for us. We haven’t made any excuses for ourselves and we have no excuses coming back - we’ll be healthy, we’ll have Bennie and everyone back and rested and we have to make a run at it”.

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FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

THE PERFECT TWEET THE NFL FINALLY LETS YOU PLAY WITH YOUR THUMBS By Darnell Scribes comments@blitzweekly.com

rofessional and college athletes are highly visible and fans are very interested in the lives they lead on and off the field or the court. In our age of social media dominance never has the player and the fan been so instantly and intimately connected. Twitter happens to be the medium of choice to get the latest news directly from the person(s) creating the news. This often results in epic fails for the various leagues public relation’s departments to clean up. From the Carmelo Anthony incident tweeting about paying someone $5,000.00 to assault Kat Stacks, an industry groupie, to Rashard Mendenhall’s unpopular political ideology about the 9/11 attacks and the United States handling of Osama Bin Laden. “We’ll never know what really happened,” Mendenhall tweeted. “I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.” Communication so honest and instant can only be a problem leaving some people to believe that

Twitter for athletes should be banned entirely. The NBA has instituted rules for when a player can tweet and the NFL also decided to regulate the use of twitter on game days. So, it came as a major surprise when it was announced that a computer station would be set up on the sidelines for the Pro Bowl strickly for Twitter. The decision was an easy one to make according to NFL Vice President of Football Operations Merton Hanks. In an interview with 49ers.com Hanks said, “The Pro Bowl has traditionally been an opportunity for us to try new things, try new technologies, whether it’s equipment, uniforms or the style of play,” Hanks continued “I’m looking forward to seeing how this experience comes out.” So I decided to put my mind in the mind of 10 high profile players featured in the 2012 Pro Bowl be their unofficial social media rep. and give you what I think would have been their perfect tweet.

What Their Tweets Could Have Been... Ben Roethlisberger

Terrell Suggs

Steelers

Ravens

Man, so many beautiful women! staying in hotel room skipping the luau and drinks #NotAgain

I vow to never be friends with kickers #ThanksCundiff

Cam Newton

DeMarcus Ware

Panthers

Cowboys

first year pro bowler? I should have charged those schools more for recruiting me #MissedOpportunity

I just want to sack #Romo on time! and Coach Garret Clay Matthews

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Willis McGahee

Packers

Broncos

#breaking the huddle Tim let’s me say amen.

This weather is so much better than Wisconsin for my hair #PertPlusTalk

Vonta Leach

LeSean McCoy

Ravens

Eagles

Teammate Ray Lewis met my mama for the first time. Still cracks jokes cause she named me Vonta. #RaysMean

Can’t remember who called us the #dreamteam? should have been the “dreaming of the playoffs team.”

James Harrison

Nick Mangold

Steelers

Jets

#thesilenttreatment

#Confession I was the one who anonymously blasted Mark Sanchez Let’s hope that Roger Goddell doesn’t send me any fines.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

Photos Courtesy: John Pozadzides, Neil Skylar, Cliff Cooper, leah1201I, Jamie McCarthy

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousay

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

Super Bowl XLVI is set as a rematch of the 2007 game that saw the New York Giants ruin the New England Patriots perfect season with a 1714 victory highlighted by Eli Manning’s eluding a sack and floating a 32-yard pass to David Tyree. Tyree’s acrobatic catch in spite of Patriots safety Rodney Harrison’s attempts to break it up has become one of the NFL’s legendary plays that so many fans can remember exactly where they were when they saw it. As we prepare for the big game at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, we must take into account that according to the Mayans, doomsday could very well be upon us and this could be our last chance as football fans to partake in a Super Bowl party. That being said, it is time to plan accordingly and throw the ultimate Super Bowl bash. 1) LOCATION -- You need a spot that has plenty of space for your friends and the best TV possible...Cowboys Stadium. After all, there is nothing going on at the big house on the corner of Collins and Randol Mill and one could imagine that the team could use a little extra revenue with only one playoff victory in 15 years. Just make sure to set up shop in the Owner’s Suite (or at the very least the fieldlevel Miller Lite Club) and NOT settle for any temporary seating to be installed on Super Bowl Sunday! 2) CATERING -- For an event like the Super Bowl, you will need multiple caterers. Get Hooters to cater the event with tons of wings and beer. And for this party, it is mandatory that the hottest of the Hooters Girls are in the house to add to the ambiance. And for the more sophisticated of your friends, it is essential to have Bob’s Steak & Chop House or Del Frisco’s in the house with steak. 3) RUNNER -- You have to have a designated runner to go across the street to Walmart at a moment’s notice should you need napkins, snacks or soft drinks. Then again you may need extra batteries for the remote control should you need to rewind the DVR for an instant replay of any possible “wardrobe malfunctions”. There is bound to be someone from high school that you can’t stand that is down on their luck and would gladly do this job for minimum wage. Then again... 4) ENTERTAINMENT -- Have your own halftime entertainment perform for you and your friends. I’d suggest the Black Eyed Peas as they are familiar with the locale from their performance at last year’s Super Bowl. 5) AFTER-PARTY -- You need to have a celebrity-laden post-game soiree. Former Dallas Cowboys WR Terrell Owens is back in North Texas with his new gig with the Allen Wranglers. As a big of a player as he was on the Super Bowl XLV party scene a year ago, he would make the ideal host for the party flyer at least. Being that this is such a big bash, you need a co-host, someone along the lines of Brooklyn Decker, perhaps? Since there are no big events in DFW, the weather will likely be perfect, meaning an outdoor spot like the Joule Hotel pool deck in downtown Dallas should be the locale. FOLLOW BLITZ WEEKLY ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

BLACKFINN

www.blackfinndallas.com An awesome bar is a good start, add in all the tvs and a friendly staff and you should be good to go. This hot spot is a magnet for lots of attractive people. Be there. Be seen!

By Tommy Smith – tsmith@blitzweekly.com

PATROL

By Frank LaCasta – flacosta@blitzweekly.com

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

BUFFALO JOE’S

www.thebuffalojoes.com Your neighborhood sports bar is here to oblige. They’re also a Giants hangout. They have over 40 tvs for all the action and the hottest bartenders in town.

DUKE’S ORIGINAL ROADHOUSE

www.dukesoriginalroadhouse.com When you think of Dukes you think of a good time. Home of the Tower of Power, Big Duke Burger Challenge and off the hook events. Be there! It’s where your friends are.

FOX AND HOUND

www.foxandhound.com With several big screen tvs, plenty of seating and plenty of pregame activities, it’s easy to believe that they’ll have the best party in town.

HOOTERS

www.hooters.com The venue that started it all is known for their wings and waitresses and is always a safe bet. This Sunday will be no different.

MCFADDEN’S ADDISON

www.mcfaddensaddison.com This newly opened venue should still be impeccably clean. Lots of hotties. Tons of tvs. We’re betting on their halftime show being completely awesome!

POKES

www.pokesplace.com They’re establishing themselves as a sports watching mecca with all of their tvs, good food and uber friendly waitresses. There isn’t a bad spot in the house and they have shuffleboard.

TEXADELPHIA ADDISON

www.texadelphia.com You’re probably aware that they have awesome sandwiches and now you know that they have the Super Bowl!

WEST END PUB

www.westendpubdallas.net The West End Pub is the best thing about the West End. They also possess one helluva giant HD screen. I haven’t even gotten to the beer selection…

THE WILD TURKEY

www.thewildturkey.net Family owned and operated since 1978 on Walnut Hill, they just opened a new location in Lewisville. Cheer on your team and gobble… gobble…gobble up some grub.

In what has been a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde season, the New York Giants find themselves one win away from becoming Super Bowl Champions. The Giants’ 2011 season has been both spectacular and dreadful. The GMen began this campaign 6-2, closing out the first-half of the season with a 24-20 road win over their Super Bowl XLVI foes the New England Patriots. After losing their next four games in a row, and five out of six overall, the Giants found themselves shape shifting into a playoff pretender and not the Super Bowl contender they have morphed back into beginning December 24th with a 29-14 victory over the Jets. Since that win, the Giants have reeled off five victories in a row while punching their ticket to Indianapolis to face the Patriots in a rematch of Super Bowl XLII – the Giants remarkable 17-14 surprise upset of the 18-0 Patriots. GIANTS OFFENSE Can we finally say that Eli Manning is an elite quarterback in the NFL? If a signal caller is truly measured on what he does in the postseason, then Manning may only be second to his counterpart in this game, Tom Brady, when it comes to playoff success. That may be a stretch, but Manning does hold the playoff record for post-season road wins. He was named the MVP of Super Bowl XLII and holds the NFL record for most game winning/overtime drives in the playoffs with six. He accomplished that this season as well as the last time the Giants won the Super Bowl in 2007. If Manning and the Giants pull off the upset

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again this year, Eli will surpass his brother and Brett Favre with two Super Bowl victories to his credit. Manning is blessed on offense with two 1,000-yard receivers in Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz. Cruz hauled 82 catches for 1,536 yards and nine touchdowns in his second year. Quite an emergence for a guy who posted no numbers in just three games played in his rookie campaign of 2010. The shifty Cruz compliments the big, strong Hakeem Nicks, who continues to prove he was worth the high draft pick the Giants spent on him in the first-round of the ‘09 draft. Mario Manningham and tight end Jake Ballard round out the Giants passing game that ranked fifth overall this season. If the passing game is a weapon for the Giants, the running game has been a self-inflicted wound for most of the season. New York ranks last in rushing offense averaging less than 90 yards per game in 2011. Running backs Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs tote the rock for the offense, and injuries to themselves and to the offensive line have hampered the Giants rushing attack all season. They had a total of four runs of 20 or more yards between them all season and Bradshaw led the team in rushing with just 659 yards. It will be critical for the Giants to get the running game going against Patriots. GIANTS DEFENSE The Giants don’t have the best defense, so the most effective way for them to stop the Patriots is to limit their opportunities with the ball. Tom Brady has been all but miraculous thus far in the post-season. The Giants were 29th in passing defense, giving up over 255 yards a game to opponents. That does not

bode well against the league’s second-best passing offense. The Giants depend heavily on their plethora of defensive linemen to put pressure on opposing quarterbacks. Jason Pierre-Paul became a one man wrecking crew for New York this season posting 16.5 sacks while recording 86 tackles and recovering two fumbles. Tuck, Umenyiora and Kiwanuka consistently get to the quarterback without risky blitzes that usually spell disaster against a quarterback like Brady. The Giants secondary has been playing catch up all season since starting cornerback Terrell Thomas’ season ended before it started with a knee injury. Thomas was one of five Giant’s defensive backs that were lost for the season at some point during the year. Veterans Aaron Ross and Corey Webster formed a new starting duo at the corners, and rookie first-round draft choice Prince Amukamara returned from a broken foot in time to lend critical depth and athleticism. Safeties Antrel Rolle and Kenny Phillips protected the back end and stayed healthy long enough to push The G-Men to the brink of another world championship. INTANGIBLES Are the New York Giants the NFL team of destiny this year? The fact that they are in the Super Bowl after such an up and down season may suggest so. Unlike Super Bowl XLII when nobody was giving the 12.5-point underdog Giants a chance to beat the perfect Patriots, Big Blue may be everyone’s sexy pick to click come game time. The Patriots will definitely be out for revenge this time around. It is highly unlikely they will give the Giants anything easy. It is going to take more than a hope and a prayer to complete the upset in this one.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

By Sonny Capps – hhhup88@gmail.com

Photos Courtesy: Simon Thomas, Tom Ducat-White, Keith Allison, AJ Guel

GAMES

By BLITZ Staff – comments@blitzweekly.com

NO MATTER WHICH TEAM YOU’RE GOING FOR, HERE ARE SOME SURE FIRE DRINKING GAMES TO BE PLASTERED BY THE TROPHY PRESENTATION.

TAKE A SHOT AFTER EACH OF THESE: Every time Eli’s older brother Peyton’s name is mentioned. The guy didn’t even play a down this year.

As I flip through the sports channels I find myself already board with basketball. Baseball will be here in the spring, and then just about the time you think the summer heats killing you, well football will be ramping up again. Until then here’s a look at the AFC champion Patriots of New England. In the AFC title game the Pats did just enough on offense to eke out a win, the defense looked as good as they have all year, couple that with a missed field goal from the Ravens, and back to the bowl Brady goes. To sum it up…Brady flat stunk, and the defense was stellar. PATRIOTS OFFENSE This offense is still second in the league with their passing attack, but as you couple the quarterback with wide outs, the explosiveness, quick strike ability and the on-the-line audibles, this is by far the most lethal offense the NFL has seen this year. QB Brady is one of the smartest and quickest to pick a defense apart. His outlets in the receiving pool include Wes Walker and TE Rob Gronkowski, both with over 1300+ yards each this year. This just leaves the unattended backfield which you can rest assured that with all the attention focused on this passing attack, RB Green-Ellis will be given some room to run when the time is right, probably just about the time New York isn’t expecting it. PATRIOTS DEFENSE This defense was bad at the first of the year, middle of the year, and barring the showing they gave against the Ravens; I’ll stick to my hunch…their still bad. They can stop a run here

and there but seems to be that if you want to put the ball in the air and get in a shootout with Brady go for it. It’s almost like they invite it. The pass defense isn’t the worst in the league but its close enough to the bottom of the pile to still smell. I’m still shaking my head over their last performance. They looked great, swarming to the ball, making tackles, and keeping pressure on the Ravens the entire game. If this was something new I’m sure they’ll try it again. If it was just a fluke, well Brady better ready, or maybe it’s been here all year and just never given notice because every game was overshadowed by the offenses. Special teams efforts will be the same duties as it has been all season…don’t make a turn over, and set up Brady. The Pats kickoff coverage is pretty efficient in regards to keeping the other team starting from the 20 or just outside of it, I guess when you practice and have an average of about six real game kicks on Sunday, your coverage will evolve to be pretty good. INTANGIBLES Coach Belichick is to the rest of the coaches in the NFL as Brady is to the other quarterbacks. Bottom-line…this guy’s good! I don’t want to hear all the whining about “he cheated”, “he taped practices”…blah, blah, blah….He wins! And he’ll continue to win. You give him an extra week to prepare for a team he has already played and lost to this year, and the same team that took a Super Bowl away from him a few years back…this recipe spells disaster for the Giants. The defense teams are gone, what’s left is two teams that in my view are pretty similar in the fact they both have efficient passing games, and neither one seems overly concerned about letting the other score. I don’t know if that’s what

I would want to get into facing this Pats team. QB Manning is good and comes from a quality gene pool, but is this enough to get Brady to slow down? Brady stunk it up against the Ravens. I know it, you know it, and so does he. Brady has stunk it up only one other time this year and that was over a two-week streak and one of the games was against, you guessed it, the Giants. Following that short stumbling, Brady, Belichick and the rest of the Pats have run off 10 wins and during that stretch only scored less than 30+ twice. All the sport books in Vegas opened the line at either New England -4 or -3 ½. This didn’t last long; most books went to NE -3 within a day, some books are now at NE -2 ½ with this week to go before kickoff. All the talking heads are ranting about how bad the AFC is and how the Giants should be favored. Smart money, dead money, sharp money and square money is all flowing in on the Giants, the Pats are getting some action but the margin is defiantly heavy on the Giants. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the line slip again before the weekend. Here’s the deal, the Giants beat this team once already this year, the Giants beat this team in Super Bowl XLII, both of these wins were by a dismal three points each. Neither team seems to be able to stable a defense, so the game may turn into a highlight reel. I don’t want to be against Brady and his squad when 1) Revenge is on the agenda for Brady and Belichick 2) You may end up in a shootout against Brady and last but not least 3) Everyone is betting the Giants. What does that mean you ask? ANSWER: The masses are asses. I’ll take the New England Patriots and be cashing my ticket as they are announced the XLVI Super Bowl Champs.

When the cameraman spots Gisele Bundchen. After every NBC TV show plug.

Every time Brady’s revenge for Super Bowl XLII is mentioned. (You can also include “The Catch” in this.) Every time you hear about the great Bill Belichick or that Tom Coughlin was about to be fired. Each time the Baltimore Ravens’ missed field goal is mentioned.

Every time a commercial has a talking or singing animal.

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FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

BLITZ BABE OF THE WEEK

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VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

Photos Courtesy: Kris Bowers

“KEYS” TO SUCCESS MUSIC WITHOUT FILTERS By Mateeka Lanee’ mateekalanee.wordpress.com

t 22-years-old, jazz pianist Kris Bowers hangs Julliard diplomas on his walls, names bright young music stars among his circle of friends, and is as much a fan of underground rock and rap as he is of the music that has shaped his career. At nine-years-old, Bowers began taking piano lessons, and as an early teen, his romance with jazz sparked when taking lessons in the genre. An L.A resident, he attended the Los Angeles County High School for the Arts, and since his graduation, has been further perfecting his craft at the Julliard School in New York, receiving an undergraduate degree and now pursuing his Masters in Jazz Performance. He has performed with jazz greats including Benny Golson and Frank Wess, and for audiences, which have included Colin Powell, Aretha Franklin, and President Barack Obama. He is also using his skill and unique music perspective to places beyond jazz, including modern genres of pop music. He has had opportunities to perform with hip-hop moguls including QTip, The Roots’ rapper Black Thought, Ludacris, Mos Def, and Kanye West, whom he met while doing a show with QTip at the Brooklyn Hip Hop Festival this past July. His music was recently featured on the Billboard-topping collaboration album between West and Jay Z, called Watch the Throne. Bowers is now preparing for his first studio album with Concord Records, after winning the prestigious 2011 Thelonious Monk International Jazz Competition and an award of $25,000. He jokes when I ask him how

his progress is coming: “Well, I can’t even pretend I don’t have money anymore. But it’s more kind of a mental thing. I won’t go into the studio until May. Right now I’m just trying to figure out what direction I want the sound to go.” Standing on the threshold of his upcoming album, Bowers says he wants to incorporate his eclectic personal music taste into his unique sound. “I want my fan base, or future fan base, to be comprised of people my age, so I feel it’s important to give them stuff [they can relate to].” His broad interests include film composition, an industry he plans on working in one day. He names some of his favorite composers as “Lord of the Rings” writer Howard Shore; John Williams (“any melody that’s really, really famous, he probably wrote it”), of Jaws, E.T, Harry Potter theme, and Star Wars fame; and Ratatouille composer Michael J. Keano. Bowers takes a moment to consider when I ask him what advice he would give to other aspiring musicians, then answers unexpectedly. “It’s funny you ask that. I haven’t even figured that out.” He laughs. “Always stay hungry. Do as much as you can. More importantly, just [be] a good person. The reason why I got a lot of these gigs, more than [just] being good, is that it was some of my friends that recommended me.” He does, however, have a fast response when I say that it seems like he’s having fun. “The main thing is about how good it feels and trying to connect to people.” It’s a statement as simple and genuine as he himself seems to be, and a sentiment sure to continue opening many more doors in his future. Photos Courtesy: GeeJ, Dustin Wax, jmaldona, Jason Persse, Keith Allison , Adam Cohn, Dominic Ceradli, Nokia

WED. 2/1

FREAKS OF THE INDUSTRY Skye Bar – Dallas We’re not exactly sure what goes down at Skye Bar on Freaks of The Industry night, but we sure like the sound of it! Check out DJ Aiden and enjoy $1 drinks. 10pm.

THURS. 2/2

4TH ANNUAL DALLAS BURLESQUE FESTIVAL House of Blues – Dallas “A Texas-sized tribute to bump and grind” …ok we’re in! There will be 75 acts with performers from all over the U.S. We don’t know about you but we’re excited. 10:30pm.

FRI. 2/3

GO RED HAPPY HOUR BlackFinn – Addison Pomegranate martinis, Tiffany jewelry, a dessert buffet, and it’s all for a good cause. Join our buds at the Finn for a night to support the American Heart Association. 6pm.

SAT. 2/4

PHENOMENON 2012 F/ SHEPARD FAIREY Dallas Contemporary – Dallas Famed street artist Shepard Fairey will take his internationally known skills to the design district and DJ his own party – now that’s talent. 9pm.

SUN. 2/5

SUPER BOWL WATCH PARTY Granada Theater – Dallas You can either sit at home and watch the game with that god awful dip that your girlfriend makes or you can watch the game at the most awesome theater ever… well? 5:30pm.

MON. 2/6

NOKIA MOBILE MONDAY TOUR 2012 McCormick & Schmick @ Northpark– Dallas The best of CES is coming to you on Mobile Monday! Get your hands on the Lumina 900, winner of Best Smartphone. We’re sure you’ll run into our Almost Nerdy pals there. 6pm.

TUES. 2/7

STARS VS. COYOTES American Airlines Center – Dallas The Stars continue their chase for Stanley (the cup that is) on Tuesday night versus the Phoenix Coyotes. This should be an awesome game. Make sure you’re there to see it. 7:30pm.

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FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

THE GRAPE RESTAURANT THE TOAST OF GREENVILLE AVENUE APPROACHES THE BIG 4-0 By The Bum www.dallasrestaurantreviews.net The Grape restaurant has been a Dallas favorite since the early 1970’s, and almost 40 years later; you can find it on the “Best in DFW” list of the Dallas Morning News. It still has its intimate charm, its quality food, and its steady business. SETTING A small, 1920’s building on lower Greenville Avenue. Within a few paces of the front door are a number of busy restaurants and bars, such as The Blue Goose, and other well-known Dallas eateries. There is parking in the rear, and also a valet. The attire is nice casual. FOOD The Grape restaurant has not rested on its laurels. They still serve the traditional cheese board (choose from 10 cheeses), the pate’s, etc. But the menu has evolved over the years from French bistro cuisine to a “new” French – influenced by Asia, America, and the Southwest. A total of eight to ten creative entrées, all under $20. No heavy creams (except in the restaurant’s famous Cream of Mushroom soup – highly recommended).

WINES A lengthy list of 200 labels – half are American. AMBIANCE The candle-lit interior is dim and romantic. The tables are close. It will remind you of a cozy neighborhood restaurant tucked away on a Paris side street. The Grape still has its blackboards on the back wall with the menus and specials, but written menus are also provided. I am always impressed with the service -- it is warm, smooth, relaxed in pace, and unobtrusive. DOWNSIDE The traffic and parking on Greenville Avenue are always an adventure. But what the heck – a couple bucks for the valet is well worth it.

RESERVATIONS Recommended, especially on weekends. But if you are reservation-less and have to wait, the Grape has a quiet little bar in an adjacent room – worth arriving early for a cocktail or staying late for a coffee. BOTTOM LINE If you’re looking for a quiet or romantic dinner spot (or lunch), The Grape is as good as it gets.

Contact Info:: The Grape Restaurant 2808 Greenville Avenue Dallas – 75206 6 (214) 828-1981 828-198 81 www.thegraperestaurant.com

THE TRAIL OF WHISKEY AND CHEEZ WHIZ TEARS “STOP! PLEASE DON’T ABANDON YOUR INFANT!” By Jesse Whitman jwhitman00@gmail.com Gainesville, Florida used to just be a hog farm in the middle of nowhere, but thanks to football messiah Tim Tebow and Gatorade we are now featured on the map on most Clock Restaurant place mats. Gainesville is also home to a sea of doe-eyed, binge-drinking 19-yearolds hell bent on blowing their trust funds during their time at the University of Florida. What many people don’t realize about Florida is that it’s not just the suburbs of Boca Raton and West Palm Beach where old people go to die. Similar to Gainesville, much of the state is actually a land-locked, water-less island and if you are part fish like me, you may dry out if you stay too long.

I was in such a state one afternoon and so I found myself on Hawthorne Road, a tragicomic trailer park wasteland and the only thing in between here and the ocean. Hawthorne Road is truly a trail of tears, which are most likely made up of Cheez Whiz, whiskey, and Crisco. With a population of barely 500, I was shocked to see the only billboard on the road emblazoned with the begging and pleading, “Stop! Please don’t abandon your infant!” For God’s sake, there isn’t that many people living here, so chances are this must be happening often enough for someone to put up a billboard about it. I can picture the major in the town hall saying,

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“Goddammit, I swear, if I find another infant in the dumpster I’m putting up a billboard!” Another point of interest on the trail of tears that is Hawthorne Road is Lori’s Diner, which features a photo of a meal on the sign outside. I can make out the onion rings, but I’m still trying to figure out the hazy, gray-colored slop sitting next to it. One day I’ll stop and eat there so I can taste the local flavor – which is probably filled with tears and cigarette ashes – much to the chagrin of my stomach, which will surely punish me afterward. I’ll just tell Lori that I want whatever is pictured on the sign. Noise disturbance calls are also problematic on Hawthorne Road

Photo Courtesy: Jef Harris

since A) the cops will argue that it’s the right of every American to blast a pile of leaves on their lawn for as long as they want to and B) they will want to join in on the fourthstraight hour of semi-automatic target practice. You don’t see people doing much for fun around here either. But I did see an overweight kid riding a lawnmower to McDonald’s,

although it didn’t look like he was really enjoying himself. It was more like, “I’m too lazy to walk half a block to McDonald’s, this place sucks, and all I have is this lawn mower to get me around.” Clearly driving a lawn mower along a busy highway was routine for this kid. – If Hawthorne Road can teach me anything, it’s to just keep driving.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

HOLLYWOODPROFILE: THE OSCARS

By Vivian Fullerlove vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com

By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com Demi Moore – Finally gave in to the stress of dear ‘ol Ashton by inhaling Nitrous Oxide known as whip-its (a pastime normally enjoyed by stoner kids). Paramedics were called to her home when a semi-conscious Moore started showing seizure-like symptoms. It’s unknown if any hacky sacks were found at the scene. Pat Sajak – Catapulted himself back into relevance by divulging that in the early days of Wheel of Fortune he and Vanna use to do the show completely hammered. Pat let the world know that they were often so drunk they would “have trouble recognizing the alphabet.” Now there’s an interesting show! Steve-O – May be the worst karaoke singer ever. The Jackass is on the wrong end of a lawsuit. Steve-O, host of Killer Karaoke sprayed a contestant with water and she slipped and suffered serious injury. On the bright side, she didn’t die – after all it is called Killer Karaoke.

Okay, so I know a lot of you out there are gearing up for the Brady vs. Manning showdown, and that’s fine. But my Super Bowl doesn’t take place until Sunday, February 26 when the best Hollywood has to offer for 2011 will stand up and claim that coveted golden statuette. This might be a good time to point out that you are only a Super Bowl champion for a year, but you’re an Oscar winner for a lifetime! The nominations were announced last week, and this year, predictably, has its frontrunners like George Clooney for Best Actor for his role in The Descendants as a husband who learns that his wife, who recently suffered a traumatic accident, has been having an affair with a younger man played by Matthew Lillard, who I love, but let’s face it, what woman would cheat on Clooney with him? The celestial stars have also lined up for Octavia Spencer who has been sweeping the Best Supporting Actress category for her incredible performance as the feisty housekeeper Minny Jackson in 2011’s runaway hit The Help. Every awards season has its “darling,” and I hope Spencer doesn’t lose

MOVIEREVIEW OF CONTRABAND Once considered the greatest smuggler in the country Chris Farraday (Mark Wahlberg) has left that world behind him, choosing instead to settle down with his wife Kate (Kate Beckinsale) and his two sons and pursue his small security system business. But Chris is conned into “one last job” when his brotherin-law botches a drug shipment for local dealer Tim Briggs (Giovanni Ribisi) and everyone’s life is put in danger. Begrudgingly he boards a ship to Panama with the intent of smuggling in counterfeit bills but the situation ends up getting far more dangerous than he expected thanks to someone he trusted like family. Contraband is not the action movie you’re probably expecting from the poster and trailers; save for one big action set piece, it’s all suspense and ten-

her glass slipper on the way up the stairs to claim her prize. There were also several nomination surprises this year. Now, how tacky was it when the press let out a collective, audible gasp of disbelief at Jonah Hill’s nomination for Best Supporting Actor for Moneyball. The fact that he held his own on screen with Brad Pitt is prize worthy in-and-of itself. Do I think he’s going to win...not really. Will I be hugely happy for him if he does... absolutely! Another shocker...Nick Nolte for Best Supporting Actor for a little seen but critically acclaimed film Warrior. I didn’t even know Nolte was still alive to tell you the truth, but good for him! Now let’s get to the interesting stuff, who didn’t get nominated. WHERE IS LEO? I was stunned, mortified and genuinely shocked

sion as Chris and his crew try to smuggle and break laws under the watchful eye of the ship captain (an excellent J.K. Simmons). Although there are moments of tension and some interesting looks into the world of contraband (the method for testing the counterfeit money was fascinating), on the whole it’s a dry run of a movie that isn’t too and interesting and, despite its “gritty” take, ends up being insanely far fetched (the whole Panama sequence is done with a specific time to meet, but the activities involved wouldn’t fit in that time frame). What Contraband does have going for it, however, is its casting specifically in its villains. Ribisi is excellent and entertaining as the over the top drug dealer, really committing to the part in a way that

att hi his absence b from the nominations for his jaw dropping turn as FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover in Clint Eastwood’s J. Edgar. Did they miss the fact that Leo brilliantly and beautifully depicted decades in the life of someone who was at one time labeled the most powerful man in the world? Also noticeably absent was Ryan Gosling. He had two critically hailed performances in Drive and The Ides of March this year, but neither garnered him an invitation to the ball. And though three of his actresses received Oscar nods for the help,

Tate Taylor did not make the list in the Best Director or Best Adapted Screenplay categories. Those are just a few of the highlights from this year’s biggest night in movies. So, enjoy the big game this weekend, and then tune in for all the glitz and glamour Tinsel town has to offer on Sunday, February 26th at 7pm on ABC. I will be enjoying all the action at my friend Cherie’s Oscar Party complete with red carpet, champagne and my floor length Oscar de la Renta gown! If you have big plans for Oscar night email your photos to me at vfullerlove@blitzweekly.com. I’d love to include them in my post-Oscar highlights online!

By Jonathan Sullivan thejonsullivan@gmail.com

would make Nicolas Cage proud. Ben Foster, who plays Chris’ former partner Sebastian, is also reliably great and is far more fascinating to watch than Wahlberg as the lead. Those two performances and characters alone save the movie from being a total wash. This is January so standards are low, and going by that I guess Contraband does stand out. It’s shot well and has some good performances, so instantly it catapults to the top of its competition (The Devil Inside, for instance). However this is an empty shell of a movie, with no characters to root for and an overall story that has interesting moments rather than being interesting as a whole. Wait for it to show up on FX in a couple of years.

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FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21 Photos Courtesy: David Goodspeed

2012 CHEVY TAHOE LTZ REVIEW MY NEW “BFF” By David Goodspeed dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com I am glad to see that GM is staying the course when it comes to full-size SUVs. And I don’t say this just because they are produced not very far from my house. I say this because for me, and still many others in North America, full-size SUVs, while perhaps not being the most “P.C.” neighbor on the block, serve a sought-after purpose for families and other consumers. Many buyers still appreciate a full frame architecture underpinning their ride as they pull the boat or travel trailer.

Tahoe and Suburban still provide a valuable service in certain niches other than simply fulfilling the need to occupy as much mobile real estate as possible. (I guess these buyers were the “Occupy Any Street” headline grabbers of the previous decade.) Recently I spent a week with the 2012 Chevrolet Tahoe in fully-laden LTZ trim that includes new hard-drive navigation radio package (including SiriusXM Weather Service for you Scoutmasters and Den Mothers) along with electronic trailer

came my new “BFF” but overall I was reminded that the Chevy Tahoe is still a great vehicle. Since the total makeover several years back, the GMT900 platform has really stood out. Despite not having an independent rear suspension this is a very stable riding vehicle especially given its size. And the styling is the absolute best in the models history (save for some of the early Suburban Carryalls). Tahoe is offered in two- and four-wheel drive and all models are powered by the Vortec 5.3-liter V-8 engine that is E85

Still others may be hauling the Boy Scouts and their gear on a camping trip or Eagle service project off the beaten path. While my needs do not include any of the above I realize full-size SUVs like the Chevrolet

sway control on the Stabilitrak stability control system and hill start assist. The blind spot alert system is also standard on the LTZ models. A few (frosty) mornings the new heated steering wheel be-

compatible and features GM’s Active Fuel Management cylinder deactivation technology to improve fuel economy under light load operating conditions. Also enhancing fuel econo-

my, as well as ride and driving comfort, is the six-speed automatic gearbox. EPA figures for the Tahoe are 15-mpg city and 21-mpg highway. Chevrolet does offer a two-mode hybrid Tahoe for enhanced fuel economy around town. The Chevrolet Tahoe is very comfortable even with the 4WD models as our tester was. About the only reminder the vehicle can operate off-road is the transfer case switch on the dash panel.

As with all other GM models Tahoe features the latest OnStar driver safety and communication technology and Chevrolet packs a host of safety equipment and technology into Tahoe including airbags all around, Stabilitrak electronic stability control, ultrasonic rear park assist with available rear camera view (for pedestrian alert as

well as hooking to a trailer), tire pressure monitor, side assist steps (power retractable available on LTZ) and power rear liftgate. Pricing for the 2012 Chevrolet Tahoe begins at $37,980 with our LTZ tester tipping the scales into our driveway at (brace yourselves) just a tick over 60 grand.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A BOY IS THE PRICE OF HIS TOYS! THIS IS SURE TO MAKE YOUR WANT LIST! MAD CATZ MLG PRO CIRCUIT

MIMOMICRO CARD READER

Establish yourself as one gamer who’s not to be f#%ked with when you bring out the big guns by pulling your professional controller out of your backpack. The MLG lets you swap thumbstick and D-Pads, so it doesn’t matter if they want to play on Xbox 360 or PS3 the asswhipping will be the same.

Mimomicro microSD card readers may just be the snazziest thing you ever poke into the side of your laptop. Not only is it a flash drive that has a removable memory card, but it is also a microSD card reader so you can move info from your tablet, e-reader, camera, mp3 player, and smart phone straight to your computer. You can find them in DC Comics and Star Wars characters. May the Files be with you. Price: $13

Price: $100

By Aeryn Ripley comments@blitzweekly.com

9.5 out of 10 VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

Console: PS3, Xbox 360 Rating: Teen Developers: Square Enix Product

Final Fantasy XIII-2 Final Fantasy XIII-2 has us back in love with this franchise. It’s predecessor FFXIII left many thinking that the Fantasy was over, but thankfully they were (myself included) wrong. This story picks up three years into the future from where the last game left off with Lightning no where to be found. There is also a new face in town, Noel Kreiss, who drops in

from 700 years in the future and also happens to be the last human being – ever. On the surface things will get a little trippy, just relax and accept the game for what it is – some things will make sense, while others will completely baffle you – ignore the urge to use rational thinking. This game is far more fluid than FFXIII completely abolishing any trace of rigidity from the previous game. Historia Cruz System allows you to weave through space

and time to travel to different parts of the game. The ATB system will make combat scenarios much more enjoyable, although difficulty varies throughout. And before I forget, you can now save for progress anywhere you want to in the game! Brilliant! The Verdict It comes with color spectrum bending visuals, superior sound (the music is iPod worthy), and the cold hard fact that it’s just f%$king fun to play. There I said it. Now go buy it.

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

BLITZ FUNNYS

Q Q: What do a g gynecologist and a pizza boy have iin common? A A: They can smell it but they can’t eat it! Q Q: What’s brown a and sits on a p piano bench? A A: Beethoven’s First M Movement.

Embarrassing Situations A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”

Aquarius A JJanuary 20 – February 18 Days after the bus crash, surrounded D by the skeletal remains of hundreds b of former passengers, you’ll be overcome by a rare phenomenon known as “survivor’s indigestion.” Pisces P FFebruary 19 – March 20 You’ll bury yourself with work this Y weekend, which normally wouldn’t w be a problem if you weren’t a sewer maintenance supervisor. Aries A March 21 – April 19 M EEveryone brags about their kids, but rremember that since your kid can beat the crap out of theirs, you have ultimate bragging rights.

Tough Titty! - A Pravda (Russian news service) English language translation from the Moskovsky Komsomolets newspaper, October 5, 2011, reported plastic surgeon Sergei Blokhin told police if a 40-year-old female patient hadn’t listened to her husband, and had her breasts enlarged 5-years earlier, she would now be dead. That’s because this same husband had recently tried stabbing her to death, but the blade was shielded from her thorax by one of the two state-of-theart silicone implants Blokhin had inserted.

Nuts Over Chicken Nuggets - The U.K.’s Daily Mail tells of Stacey Irvine, 17, of Castle Vale, Birmingham. She’d collapsed with a swollen tongue and been diagnosed suffering anemia (lack of blood). When asked about her daily diet, Stacey admitted that soon after eating her first McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets, at age two, other than occasional french fries, she’d eaten basically nothing but chicken nuggets for 15 years. (Though she never ate fruits or vegetables, Irvine had enjoyed a “variety” by occasionally getting her nuggets at KFC.)

Dirty Dirt - Famous environmentalist Erin Brockovich told USA Today she would investigate a mysterious illness affecting about a dozen teens in Le Roy, New York. Parents and friends of these young people say they suffer uncontrollable facial tics and verbal outbursts, and fear it may be caused by a 1970 train derailment near their high school, which allowed 35,000 gallons of trichloroethene (C2HCl3) to soak into the soil.

TTaurus April 20 – May 20 A Apple will have interest in your new A iiPod prototype that can hold up to three songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary minivan.

LLeo JJuly 23 – August 22 Next Monday you’ll be rewarded with N a complete two hours of ABC’s The Bachelor. Visions of Ben Flajnik will fill your mind…

Scorpio S October 23 – November 21 O Dozens will be hospitalized later D this th week after a bar brawl breaks out over your answer regarding the migratory patterns of Sockeye salmon.

Gemini G May 21 – June 21 M TThey can take your wife and they can ttake your children, but if they’re going to do it all it once, they’ll need a much bigger hearse.

Virgo V August 23 – September 22 A While in excruciating pain and badly W hurt, h you will see the last 10 seconds of your life flash before your eyes.

Sagittarius S November 22 – December 21 N Stranger things have happened but for S the th third straight night you’ll actually crawl into bed by 11:30pm and wake up the next morning refreshed and energized.

Cancer C JJune 22 – July 22 While all may be fair in love and war, W many will protest your use of nerve m gas in both.

Libra L September 23 – October 22 S Check with Libra in two weeks for C a more detailed and fairly accurate prediction of next week’s events.

ACROSS: 1. Scrabble piece 5. Vipers 9. Wanes 13. District 14. Ooze 16. 3 in a yard 17. Clothing 18. Not fluid 19. Parasitic insect 20. Escargot 22. Automatic transmission of data 24. Jump 26. Seminal fluid 27. A prickly plant 30. Complex in design 33. Art lover 35. Moon of Saturn 37. Butter portion 38. A type of small mammal 41. Pair 42. Narrow fissures 45. Pachyderm

48. Poor handwriting 51. Listlessness 52. Labor group 54. Ripped 55. Courier 59. Exchange 62. Adjoin 63. Everglades bird 65. Nile bird 66. Achy 67. Cut 68. Distinctive flair 69. Leg joint 70. Depend 71. Expunge

Capricorn C December 22 – January 19 D After A back-to-back nights of anxiety and a stress, you’ll be mistakenly relieved to know that your medical tests came back positive. DOWN: 1. Makes lace 2. Weightlifters pump this 3. Strictly obeying the law 4. Least difficult 5. Donkey 6. Notch 7. Heaps 8. Grinned 9. A former Turkish term of respect 10. It holds up trousers 11. Ale 12. Remain 15. Swelling under the skin 21. Strip of wood 23. Encounter 25. Implored 27. Faucets 28. Makes well 29. Estimated time of arrival

31. Possible 32. Yards of grass 34. An uncle 36. Memo 39. A high alpine meadow 40. Tidy 43. Members of a governing board 44. Rational 46. Conspiracy 47. Beset 49. Bordeaux and Dubonnet 50. Forest worker 53. Audacity 55. Disguise 56. Black, in poetry 57. Certain 58. Bobbin 60. Found on rotary phones 61. Feudal worker 64. Attempt

Solution on Page 18

Q Why was the Q: b blonde upset w when she got h her Driver’s LLicense? A A: Because she got a an F in sex.

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FEBRUARY 1 – 7,, 2012

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

THE CLOSER

THE PERFECT CANDIDATE? By Joe Stumpo www.darthstumpo.com

Warka Brewed by: Browary Warka Sp. z o.o. ABV: 5.60 This brew has Polish roots. It pours light amber in color with minimal head and not much lacing. Scents of grainy malt, bread, syrup fill the air. Upon your first sip you’ll notice the crisp mouthfeel that is saved by a dry bitterness which helps to balance this beer. The texture is smooth but with little carbonation. Warka is very drinkable and is descent but won’t “wow” you in any way.

Brick House Mighty Mighty Wrapper: Havana Subido Binder: Nicaragua Filler: Nicaragua Strength: Medium-Full Bodied This stick is densely packed and firm with no soft spots. The first notes are a bit peppery. The burn is even. The second third you’ll pick up on the sweet aroma and even sweeter taste. As the end of the smoke approaches the sweet notes are replaced by nutty flavors. Overall the flavors are easy to pick out and the finish is long and smooth.

Ice Bomb Ingredients: 2 oz UV Blue Raspberry Vodka 2 oz Orange Vodka 2 oz Vodka 1 - 2 oz Sprite Soda

“When are you going to learn that in presidential elections there is no such thing as the perfect candidate?” That was the response I sent a friend of mine after an email he sent me about the ABC’s Nightline interview that aired January 19 with Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife Marianne where it was revealed the presidential candidate had asked her for an open marriage while he was having an affair with his current wife, Calista. I did not watch the Nightline interview as I saw it as nothing more than tabloid trash. It’s not Gingrich’s “open marriage” proposal that I find appallingly, sad that South Carolina voters thought the best candidate to beat President Obama this November happens to be someone with questionable moral character (whether Newt Gingrich is now a changed person or not). What I find more troubling is the fact Gingrich was brought up on ethics violations during his term as Speaker of the House back in 1997 and eventually resigned. That alone to me raises red flags. “We all know the record,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on Meet the Press who endorses Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney. “He was run out of the speakership by his own party. He was fined $300,000 for ethics violations. This is a guy who has had a very difficult political career at times and has been an embarrassment to the party ...I don’t need to regale the country with that entire list again except to say this: I’m not saying he will do it again in the future, but sometimes past is prologue.” Unfortunately, as much as I am loathe to admit it, Newt Gingrich made a few good points Thursday night when he went on a tirade against CNN moderator John King when he asked the candidate if he would like to comment on the “open marriage” issue. “I think the destructive, vicious, negative na-

Mixing Instructions: Pour all liquors into a highball glass filled with ice cubes. Fill with Sprite and serve.

Day Job I work with a couple of sports dorks- Richie Whitt & Greggo Williams on the afternoon show on 105.3 The Fan. I don’t do sports, though. No, really.

Name: Sybil Summers Team: 105.3 The Fan Stats: The sidekick of RAGE on 105.3 The Fan and quite possibly one of the coolest ladies to ever be known as “Hot”. Smart, down to earth, and gorgeous…Is it possible to be sexy on the radio? Lets play a game of Sybil Says. VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

like to attack any ture of much of the Republican. They’re news media makes attacking the goverit harder to govern nor, they’re attacking this country, harder me. I’m sure they’ll to attract decent probably get around people to run for to Senator Santorum public office. And and Congressman I am appalled that Paul. I am tired of the you would begin elite media protecting a presidential deBarack Obama by atbate on a topic tacking Republicans.” like that,” Gingrich That’s what South said. “Every perCarolina voters were son in here knows fed up with when Ginpersonal pain. Evgrich spoke and that’s ery person in here the only reason why has had someone he won. This election close to them go is no longer about through painful how many skeletons things. To take an a candidate has in his ex-wife and make closet. I don’t believe it --two days before that has ever been the the primary -- a sigcase. There is not a nificant question single president this in a presidential country has elected campaign is as who has not exhibited close to despicable Photo Courtesy: DonkeyHotey some sort of questionas anything I can able moral flaw that imagine.” Considering I have no love for the liberally upon finding out the supposed truth might have biased “drive-by” news media in how they go made one wonder why they voted for them in after conservatives with a vengeance every time the first place. I have no idea who I am going to vote for at someone is involved is some scandal and do their damnedest to bury any negative stories this point. I probably won’t even make a deciabout Democrats I felt like joining the South sion until Election Day this November. I will say this: As much as it pains me to say it, whoever it Carolina voters as they cheered. “The story is false,” Gingrich went on. “Ev- is I vote for my decision will be based on who I ery personal friend I have who knew us in that think can do the job as leader of the country and period says the story was false. We offered not so much on their negative past, despite my several of them to ABC to prove it was false. wish that there was someone out there who has They weren’t interested, because they would some moral character to be president.

Unexpected Perk of Your Job We get to go to a lot of cool events- Super Bowls, World Series games, Cowboys games, red carpets, etc. Plus, we get free t-shirts! Coolest Radio Experience Having a menu item named after me (chili) at

The Fan Sports Lounge. That or getting to comb Greggo’s goatee every day before the show. One job in your life that you turned down Being a sugarbaby to an Arabian guy who owned a liquor store. Board game you kick ass in Tribond. Wanna play? Mentors Greggo, Richie, Brad Gillie, Gavin Spittle, Bruce Gilbert, Doug Rice, Russ Martin

Last thing you built with your bare hands A sammich. I do plan to build a doghouse this year, though. I’ll send you a picture when it’s finished. Smurfs or Oompa Loompas Smurfs all the way. I’m a product of the ‘80s, but I do love me some Snooki. Tell us a secret I didn’t have time to take a shower today, so I took a hooker bath. Wanna sniff?

VOL. 4 – ISSUE 21

FEBRUARY 1 – 7, 2012

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