Blitz March 2016 by Blitz Weekly

BLOOD, SWEAT & BEERS! Hanging Out with Funky Monkey Richard Rawlings

GETTING LUCKY ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY

Our Go-To List is Your Pot of Gold

BLACK SABBATH Calling It Quits

+ ALBUM

ALBUM REVIEW

MARCH MADNESS The Era of One and Done

WTH!

Let’s Take a Look at the Presidential Race

The Life of Pablo

MARCH 2016

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

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VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

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MARCH 2016

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

2016

MAR CH

Blitz

INTELLIGENCE

5 The humble Lion Barry Sanders shares his thoughts on growing up and becoming an NFL star as well as tremendous work ethic.

NOW HIRING at Chicas Locas of Cabaret Royale!

7 March Madness is upon us and the impact of the NCAA’s one-and-done player is significant collegiately and for the NBA. 8 We’re in a new era of cheating in college athletics. Are the days of the hundred dollar handshake gone for good? Not so fast my friend. 11 UFC 196 looks to be one of the most highly-anticipated cards ever. Big names for the co-main event and everything on the line. Our preview.

214-350-0303

14 Every year St. Patrick’s Day celebrations in the Metroplex take place and our guide to the best that DFW has to offer will keep you in the know.

10723 Composite Dr. Dallas, TX 75220 Publisher and Editor Staff Photographers Kelly G. Reed Dominic Ceraldi, Michael Kolch, Rick Leal, Sandy McAnally Features Director Amber LaFrance Staff Writers Peter Gerstenzang, Frank LaCosta, Sports Editor Lance LeVan Lance Rinker Contributing Photographers/Artists Copy Chief Shea Huening, Matt Pearce, Ricky Tang, Mark Miller Charis Tsevis, Mark Weiss, CelebrityABC, Creative Director Cliff1066™, DonkeyHotey

Jette Stephens Contributing Writers Photo Editor Jeanne Allen, Wendell Barnhouse, Jacy Cox, Stephen Elliott, Paul A. Esquivel, Darryl Briggs Andrew J. Hewett, Kendrick Johnson, Cover Design Kyler Kuehler, Patrick R. Malone, Matt Pearce, Jette Stephens Alan Sculley, Kali Ah Yuen, Darius Williams

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

BLITZ Weekly

P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2016 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www.blitzweekly.com.

16 It’s been half a century since Black Sabbath got its start. Ozzy Osbourne shares his thoughts on the journey and the final tour. 18 We usually don’t delve much into politics, but this year we can’t resist.

Ricky Tang Model: Tiffany

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

MARCH 2016

Humility Still the Greatest Trait of Barry Sanders BY MARK MILLER – @MARKMYWORDSTEX

e was known as one of the most humble athletes ever to play football during his three years at Oklahoma State University and 10 seasons with the Detroit Lions. Rather than showboat after his many touchdowns, he simply would hand the ball to the nearest referee and return to his sideline. He epitomized the philosophy of acting like he’d been there before. So it was no surprise when pro and college hall of famer Barry Sanders displayed that same humility Feb. 19 at the Hilton Anatole where he received the 2015 PwC Doak Walker Legends Award. When ESPN college football analyst Kirk Herbstreit was hoping Sanders would brag about himself when asked who was the greatest running back ever between him, Jim Brown, Emmitt Smith, and Walter Payton, Sanders refused to take the bait. “If I had to pick one, I’d say Jim Brown because it was ingrained by my dad,” said the 47-year-old Sanders. His father was a big fan of the Cleveland Browns, and especially the legendary Brown to

the point where he’d never brag about his son. It was the elder Sanders’ way to keep Barry’s ego in check. Pressed more by Herbstreit, Sanders stayed true to form. “Since when I was coming of age watching Walter Payton, I would say Walter,” he said. “I’m never going to say it was me.” That’s the beauty of someone who hardly ever talks about himself. “One of the good things I can look back at is I had a really strong family,” he said. “My dad was just a working guy. From the time I was 3, I would go to work with him so it was in my DNA. Later I would jog around the neighborhood. I would go up to the university and run laps and just do stuff. So I was always working. I didn’t know where it would take me until the floodgates opened.” Sanders needed plenty of perseverance for that to finally happen. Standing just 5-feet, 8-inches tall and weighing only 170-175 pounds, he didn’t become the starting running back at Wichita

(Kansas) North High School until his fourth game of his senior year. Though he rushed for 1,417 yards in the final seven games, he only received scholarship offers from three schools – Emporia State University, the University of Tulsa, and Oklahoma State. Instead of being discouraged, Sanders used his situation as motivation. “I think it was just the fact I had always loved playing the game,” he said. “I wasn’t starting at running back but was starting at defensive back and assumed maybe I’d go to college to play defensive back. I just loved being on the field. I just loved to compete. “I was one of those guys whose dad would take me to local high school games or we’d watch some college games. I followed guys like Billy Sims, Tony Dorsett, Charles White, and Marcus Allen. I was the youngster who would watch those guys and be mesmerized. I didn’t hang my hat on it but figured I’d get a shot somewhere. I didn’t know how it was going to happen.” Though he worried about what his future would bring, he maintained his dream of playing in the big time in college after growing up watching Big Eight Conference football. So he chose to go to Stillwater to play for the Cowboys. He played sparingly his first two years at Oklahoma State because a fellow hall of famer named Thurman Thomas was the starting running back ahead of him. He had only 74 carries for 325 yards and two touchdowns as a freshman and 111 rushes for 622 yards and eight scores as a sophomore. His junior year, however, proved epic. Sanders had what many still consider the greatest individual season in college football history in 1988. In 12 games including the Holiday Bowl, he rushed 373 times for 2,850 yards, an average of 7.65 yards per carry and 237.5 per game. He also caught 19 passes for 106 yards plus another 516 yards returning punts and kicks and had 42 overall touchdowns.

Shea Huening

That was enough to convince him to skip his senior year and turn pro. The Lions chose him with the No. 3 pick in the 1989 draft in part because of the strong recommendation former Lions running back and 1978 Heisman Trophy winner Sims from arch-rival University of Oklahoma made to then coach Wayne Fontes: Take Barry Sanders, not Deion Sanders in the 1989 NFL Draft.

It turned out to be the right decision as he rushed 1,470 yards on 280 carries and scored 14 touchdowns to earn Offensive Rookie of the Year honors. He played just nine more seasons, amassing 15,269 yards on the ground, just 1,457 yards short of the most yards in National Football League history at the time and still No. 3 on the all-time list. He won his only NFL Most Valuable Player honor in 1991 but was a 10-time all-pro and four-time rushing champion. Though healthy and still at the top of his game, Sanders abruptly retired in 1999. He told the world by faxing his hometown newspaper in Wichita though for years never said why. It later was revealed he lost his competitive spirit following a 5-11 season in 1998. Does he regret the decision now, asked ESPN analyst Lee Corso? “Coach, not necessarily,” he said. “I played 10 good years. I had a lot of great memories. Whenever I see (Dallas Cowboys hall of famer) Emmitt (Smith), I tell him I’d trade for just one of his Super Bowl rings for one of my rushing titles. But I don’t regret it because it was the right time for me. It was my time to go.” He returned to Oklahoma to focus on his four sons, including Barry J. who will play his final season at Oklahoma State after transferring from Stanford University where he backed up 2016 Heisman Trophy candidate Christian McCaffery. “We’re looking forward to him going to Stillwater,” the proud father said. “He’s excited about it. That’s where he grew up. Even now when he’d come home from college he’d go to Stillwater because that’s where a lot of his buddies are located.” Sanders owns several businesses including a car dealership in Stillwater and currently helps community and charitable groups plus serves as an NFL ambassador. He was featured on the cover of EA Sports Madden 25th anniversary edition in 2013, the same year he appeared in two Pepsi and two Nissan TV ads. He still follows pro football, especially the Lions but doesn’t see the type of graciousness for which he was known. “It’s not out-of-touch with reality but it’s something you see less of,” he said. “I probably credit mom and dad Sanders for my humility. My dad had two rules – No. 1 is do what dad’s tells you and No. 2 always remember rule 1.” WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

MARCH 2016

THE FINAL DAYS

BY KENDRICK JOHNSON @KENDRICKJOHNSO

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

Kobe Reflects on the Culmination of his Career ove him or hate him, every real National Basketball Association fan is going to miss watching the great Kobe Bryant do his thing at an arena near you. After spending two weeks over the last couple of months with Bryant and the Lakers on his farewell tour, one gets the see up close how much the greatest Los Angeles Laker of all-time is respected by fans, peers and coaches around the league. Simultaneously, I got to see why Bryant’s 20th season will be his last, as his game-day routine is full of hours of stretching and body massages instead of actual game preparation.

At both the AT&T Center in San Antonio and the Toyota Center in Houston, fans in purple-and-gold shirts packed the stands and chanted the future hall of famer’s name while cheering him on at the top of their lungs. Fans in both cities instantly went crazy from the moment he entered the court

take offense that their loyal fan bases essentially rooted against them. But they’re not, because just like the fans, the players and coaches know there’s only one K-O-B-E. “I was chanting his name, too,” Rockets guard James Harden said after his team beat the Lakers,

The second game against the Spurs marked the 10-year anniversary of Bryant’s career-high 81-point outburst against the Toronto Raptors at the Staples Center. Despite remembering almost every detail of the historic night he produced, the NBA’s second-highest scoring performance behind Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game in 1962, Bryant still has no blueprint 10 years later on how to score points at such a record clip.

“It’s been fun being able to enjoy each city one last time and things like that,” he said. “I’ve laughed and joked around with the fans which is something I typically never do. I was looking forward to the (All-Star Game) to be around the guys and get a chance to joke around with them a little bit, have some shooting games with them a little bit and get out there and play one more time.”

“It’s been crazy man. It’s been different, being on the road and experiencing (that),” Bryant said in Houston at his post-game press conference. “The acceptance and the thank-yous and things like that, it’s been wonderful.”

When Bryant was pressed about if he was he upset about not being able to play in the fourth quarter of the Houston game despite having his game going, he simply smiled and said, “I’m not worried about that. I’ve had plenty of those games before; this is the end for me now.” I caught up again with Bryant and the Lakers during three games of their four-game home stand at Staples Center.

Despite the Lakers being destined for the lottery and Bryant not being at his physical best, the 18-time All-Star is enjoying and embracing his farewell tour.

I first caught up with Bryant and the Lakers in December as they were capping off the first leg of his farewell tour. Bryant had just made his retirement announcement and the Lakers already had knocked out six Eastern Conference cities where Bryant will never play again including his beloved hometown of Philadelphia which kicked off the road trip. After being around Bryant and Company for two days and watching them play their seventh and eighth games of a 13-day road trip, it’s easy to see why the Lakers’ longest journey since a nine-game trip in February 2008 was the most overwhelming and emotional of Bryant’s long historic career. One can see how the Laker legend soaked up and cherished every moment of his final NBA city.

7 rebounds and 6 assists in three quarters the next night in Houston to close out the grueling road trip on a positive note.

“There’s really no explanation for it,” Bryant said after scoring only five points in a loss to the Spurs. “You can always explain it from an X’s and O’s standpoint and training standpoint, but when nights like that happen, there’s always something mystical about it.”

cliff1066™ for pre-game warm ups until he came out of the game for good. For Bryant’s longtime teammate, Metta World Peace, who is the only current player on the roster to win a title with him, the positive reception his legendary teammate is constantly receiving is anything but a surprise.

126-97, at Toyota Center. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance that you’re going to see this guy play again. I haven’t had the chance to see Michael (Jordan) play in person, but (Kobe is) a modern Michael.”

“It’s always like that with Kobe. It’s honestly not new,” World Peace said. “It was like that every year all the time (chants of) ‘Ko-be, Ko-be!’ Now this is his last year, so obviously it’s a little more electric, but it’s always been like that.”

To make sure he can play in as many games as possible this season and perform at as high of a level as his body will let him, Bryant rarely attends shoot arounds or practices these days. While others are getting up shots, the retiring Bryant is getting his body stretched and worked on so that he can leave a positive lasting impression on those who will probably never see him play live again.

With both the Spurs and Rockets having legitimate championship aspirations, one would think players on those respective teams would

As usual, all of Bryant’s pregame work paid off, as he was able to follow his 12-point performance on 5-of-12 shooting in San Antonio with 25 points,

On the final game of my trip to Los Angeles, Bryant was forced to sit out against Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks due to his various ailments. Although the week ended quietly, I can whole-heartedly say the Black Mamba is at peace with his basketball mortality and we should all embrace him because after April 13 there will be no more Kobe Bean Bryant to respect and appreciate on the court. “I feel very at peace about (retirement) and I’m just wondering when it’s really going to hit, or if it is because I’m very much at peace with my decision,” Bryant said. “I can certainly bring myself to that place but when I think about it, I’m thankful to have been here, I’m thankful to have enjoyed all these memories. So there’s no reason to be sitting and dwelling on it, I’m just thankful for the time I’ve had.”

Charis Tsevis

Thoughts on Kobe Bryant from this year’s NBA All-Star Weekend

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

James Harden – Houston Rockets He’s been my idol growing up, my basketball idol. Like I said, just watching him play meant everything to me. So this is his last year, and he’s going to retire, and there’s going to be no more Kobe Bryant playing basketball, it’s kind of sad. It’s kind of sad about that, but at some point he had to go.

John Wall – Washington Wizards Basically, the Michael Jordan of

Draymond Green – Golden State Warriors

our era is what I see with all of

He’s meant so much to the game.

his dedication to the game, his

Growing up in the era that I did,

competitive drive. He’s one of

Kobe was that guy. So to play in

those guys that always wants the

an All-Star Game with him, I mean,

ball in a tough situation. No matter the circumstances, he believes in himself, no matter what.

that’s special. I grew up a Kobe fan, so it’s something that’s really special.

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

MARCH 2016

MARCH MADNESS: One-and-Done Conundrum BY WENDELL BARNHOUSE @WBBARNHOUSE

Measuring the madness of the month of March always is difficult. There is no Richter or Fujita scales, no decibel meter. But with the season up to this point, this March Madness could be mad times a thousand.

The three-word phrase that has regulated repeat champions is “one and done.” Because of NBA draft rules enacted in 2006, the top high school players no longer have an option to head straight to the NBA. To turn pro, players must be at least 19 years old. That has resulted in the best-of-the-best high schoolers playing at least one year in college.

On the first Saturday of February, the No. 1 and the No. 2 teams in the media and coaches’ polls each lost to unranked teams. That’s only the seventh time that’s happened. By mid-February teams ranked in the top five of the Associated Press rankings had lost 28 times. Last season there were 21 such losses the entire season.

That coach Mike Krzyzewski embraced the process and signed Okafor, Jones and Winslow knowing they probably were going to spend just one year at Duke tells you that the one-and-done rule is an accepted, if not loathed, part of college basketball. Duke is a private school with a lofty academic mission and cringes at the perception it also exists as a “basketball factory.”

Through the second weekend of February, the four teams the bracket prediction geeks projected as the No. 1 seeds had combined for 16 losses. Last year’s four No. 1 seeds had a total of nine losses…heading into the tournament. And 107 unranked men’s teams have defeated ranked teams; that’s the most ever in a single season through the middle of February. Whatever craziness occurs during the three weeks of March Madness – and, considering how wacky college hoops can be, maybe it will be chalk and four No. 1 seeds winding up in Houston – one thing is reasonably certain: We won’t have a repeat champion. That’s not dismissing Duke. The Blue Devils are a solid team but lack depth, consistent point guard play and star power. Duke won last year’s national championship thanks to three freshmen – Jahlil Okafor, Tyus Jones and Justise Winslow. All three declared for the National Basketball Association draft and went in the first round. Had that threesome remained in college, the Blue Devils would be at least a favorite to return to the Final Four with a chance at a repeat. The last college team to win back-to-back titles was Florida in 2006-07. The Gators won in 2006 starting four sophomores and a junior; the entire starting lineup returned to win another championship.

Okafor, considered the top high school player of his class, followed Jabari Parker at Duke. Parker, one of the top players in his prep class, played one year and was the No. 2 overall pick in the 2014 NBA Draft. “One of the things that you try to do in recruiting – when we knew Parker is going to go and Okafor is going to go – you try to get to know them at a higher and deeper level before you get them,” Krzyzewski said before the last year’s trio arrived on campus. “The summer is huge (now that incoming freshmen can be on campus and practice). You have to set the tone right away – the level of work they have to do and how hard they have to work. You’re trying to cram in four years in nine months. “There is going to be slippage, and you have to accept some slippage and not be (a perfectionist) teaching everything. How much can I accept while still teaching? Sometimes it works out and sometimes you lose in the first round. That’s the culture we’re in right now.” The one-and-done rule is not a scourge on the college game. It gets considerable attention from the media because the media loves to fast forward careers of high school or college athletes. ESPN, which now is a major carrier of NBA games, recently designated a week of its college

basketball as “Green Room Guys.” The promotion was classic Disney synergy. ESPN promoted the NBA during college telecasts by focusing on top players who might be in the “green room” and awaiting their names to be called on draft night.

four-year college, he’s not eligible until he spends three years on campus. The NCAA and most college coaches would love to use baseball’s model but that would mean NBA teams would be tempted to draft players out of high school.

The numbers, though, indicate that the one-anddone hype is just that – hype. The most college freshmen drafted by the NBA was 11 in 2008 and an average of eight freshmen have been drafted each year.

Kentucky coach John Calipari has benefited and been criticized for thriving under the current rules. Starting with Derrick Rose at Memphis in 2007-08 and including players like Anthony Davis and Karl-Anthony Towns at Kentucky, Calipari has recruited some of the nation’s top high school players. Without the one-and-done rule, most probably would have picked the NBA draft over one season with Big Blue Nation.

And since 2010, a majority of the one-anddone players have come from just six schools – Kentucky (17), Duke (6), Kansas (5), Texas (4), Arizona (3) and UCLA (3). The National Collegiate Athletic Association and the NBA are like two ex-lovers forced to sit next to each other on a trans-Pacific flight. The NCAA doesn’t like the fact that the NBA draft rule leads to men’s basketball players treating college like a drive-thru. The NBA changed the rule because its teams couldn’t help themselves from drafting high school players – many of whom weren’t ready physically, mentally or emotionally. In 1996, the NBA Players Association and the NBA agreed to a rookie salary cap with first-year players becoming free agents after three seasons. For incoming NBA players, it makes more sense to start that three-year “clock” as early as possible, prove your worth and then hit it big with a new deal. A mega-millions dollar at age 22 is better than won at age 25 (after four years in college). “The players’ union has to represent the players, and if a player is really good, an extra year you spend can cost you tens of millions of dollars,” Krzyzewski said. “I’m not sure the players’ association would take that away from the players. I would like to see it (two years), but it’s not a done deal. What we have is probably going to be there for a while.” National Football League draft rules require players to be three years out of high school to be eligible. Major League Baseball drafts players out of high school but once a player attends a

And Calipari is fine with bringing young men to Lexington who hardly have time to establish residency requirements. He points out that he has coached 29 players who have played in the NBA. “You go from (your ancestors) being the generational laborer, then you get a college education, and your children now have a chance to go to Harvard, Yale law school, med school,” Calipari said. “That’s how this is supposed to work. And I want to be a part of the base of that. “Generational poverty ended because that young man, if he does right with his money now, can take care of his family, his family’s family, and his family’s family’s family.” The Wildcats won the 2012 national championship with Davis plus freshmen Michael Kidd-Gilchrist and Marquis Teague in the starting lineup. However, the argument could be made that the roster churn Kentucky encounters each season doesn’t equate to more titles. Kentucky reached the 2014 national championship game and was 38-0 before losing to Wisconsin in last year’s Final Four semifinals. In the NCAA Tournament, having the most talented players or the most first-round draft picks on the roster doesn’t guarantee anything. March Madness? It’s also one and done. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

The Hundred Dollar Handshake MARCH 2016

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

New Age Cheating in College Athletics BY DARIUS WILLIAMS – @FINESSE3380

With the recent passing of what I call college football’s “Christmas Day,” National Signing Day, I am led to wonder if the ‘dual threat’ quarterback ranked among the country’s finest young players got a new Dodge Challenger from a “rich uncle” like the players all said they got their spanking new 300 Zs over 30 years ago. My mind quickly drifted to the huge, yet nimble footed “twotechnique” defensive tackle ranked No. 5 on a respected recruiting database source. Was the home he was raised in by his grandmother magically paid off? Was that Southeastern Conference power whom he inked a letter of intent to making a monthly stipend deposit into his alias Bank of America account now like they did with prized recruits during the Reagan administration?

Long gone are the days when a very talented running back from Sealy, Texas, showed up on the campus of Southern Methodist University in a spanking brand new 1979 Pontiac Trans Am, compliments of a rival university that thought it had secured his services for the next four years. A recruit visiting “Big Campus University” with two nickels in his pocket, yet returning with enough cash to pay off mom and dad’s balance on the mortgage has gone by the wayside. A “quick twitch” defensive back who took public transportation to school suddenly parking a $30,000 sports car in the students’ parking lot on National Signing Day is a thing of the past. Cheating to secure the services of a physicallygifted lad has moved into the new age. The guy standing on a leaning porch of a home nestled in rural Mississippi with a satchel of cash trying to lure Marcus Dupree to their Big Eight Conference school has bypassed us. The paper trail that leads to the possibilities of a National Collegiate Athletic Association-sanctioned ‘Death Penalty’ has made the obvious financial agreement between university and athlete just a tad more discreet these days. In 2010, ESPN ran an episode of its ‘30 for 30’ infodoc titled Pony Excess, detailing the happenings with the once-powerful football program of the SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

aforementioned Southern Methodist University. The very thrilling piece went in depth about the many rampant forms of cheating the private school in Dallas made a blatant practice of from the late 1970s until the mid-1980s that resulted in a banning of the football program by the NCAA for two years back in 1987. The money spent by the many rich alums to assure football superiority reached astounding numbers for the times. Jokingly former SMU great Eric Dickerson, the Sealy native who was given the Trans Am, once said that when he was drafted No. 2 overall in the 1983 National Football League Draft and signed his contract, he took a significant pay cut from the money the deep-pocketed, oiltycoon boosters at SMU were depositing into his alias account. The penalty which was levied against the Mustangs was considered harsh in the world of college athletics. After all, SMU was just the chosen sacrificial lamb to which an example was made of for others to take heed. SMU wasn’t in that game alone. They were just the best at it. Within the state alone, the “heavyweights” like Texas A&M University and the University of Texas were both standing on those leaning rickety porches with their very own satchels of money and promises of financial relief for the family. Their bags were just a little lighter in weight than SMU’s.

When the “Pony Express” was running to a No. 2 ranking in the final Associated Press poll of the 1982 season, not much thought was given to just how was the school on the ‘Hilltop’ able to nab the two most gifted runners in the state of Texas in Dickerson and Craig James just four years earlier. Maybe if that happened today through the annuals of social media we would have been able to see updated posts of the sudden change in lifestyle they would be displaying for the world to see. Just maybe Dickerson would have been posting a selfie with his satchel full of $100 bills. Maybe Houston Stratford grad James would have posted pictures of the new home his divorced mother suddenly accrued the funds to purchase. We would have a look into the seedy world of college football’s worst kept secret. With all the new technological ways to go about daily life these days, cheating has become a covert-like operation to obtain the signature of a rangy 6-foot, 4-inch receiver with great hands to campus. We still have the “atta boy” handshakes from a booster that affords the well deserving player money to take out a cute co-ed that he otherwise wouldn’t be able to do. There hasn’t been another penalty levied against a program like what was done to SMU. That doesn’t mean that the world of college football has suddenly been taken over by a slew of choir boys somehow deciding to follow the strict rules of the NCAA. There is a reason why the same teams keep appearing in college football’s title games. That reason being that they all are still cheating. Cheating their way to national championships. Good luck uncovering some of the ways they have become so skilled at doing it. The summer job program set up between prestigious schools and their wealthy alumni

base, those who just so happen to own businesses that would use the strong backs of a bunch of 20 year olds. Not a bad idea to put these young men to work in their down time to put some money in their pockets. However, when the athlete never shows up for work for the company, but still gets paid more than the highest tenured employee, a problem occurs. One athlete, a former standout basketball player in this case, personally told me of the “job” at a video store that he never clocked into as an incoming freshman, but somehow had a check to pick up every Friday for $2,000. As I assess that concept, convincing anyone, nevertheless the probing NCAA that any employee checking out movies to patrons to the tune of $2,000 a week is preposterous. That’s a lot of overtime worked at the then minimum wage rate of $4.25 per hour. Another tactic being used by big schools are the “Campus Friend” method as I call it. This practice is done by funneling in a money flow of cash to a fellow student of the university, who in turn hands over the money/gifts to the intended athlete. Generally this one person is closely associated with the athletic program. Since this student would have no ties to the athletic program by way of documented roles, a violation of NCAA rules can be skirted if somehow this was uncovered. In many cases, the cheating in college athletics isn’t necessarily the doings of those directly related to the program. A proud booster who is tired of the ridicule from his golf buddies about his alma mater’s 2-9 record is sometimes the culprit in these cheating schemes. Nothing like walking up to the first green in your burnt orange of the University of Texas the second weekend in October, fresh off a victory over your “tee time” friends who are donning their crimson and cream colors of the Oklahoma Sooners after a victory in the Red River Shoot Out. That elated feeling sometimes comes at a cost to these boosters, most of whom are glad to fund these victories for their country club bragging rights. Forking over $35,000 for a new loaded Dodge Challenger to a run stopping middle linebacker prospect is worth every penny to them. Boosters are known in the past to host lavish parties and invite over athletes to partake in the festivities. During these events, the “$100 handshake” can be seen often. For those unfamiliar with this display of acknowledgement, here is how this greeting is executed: Big rival game. Down by five points. Receiver catches a touchdown to win the game.

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

MARCH 2016

Later that night the receiver is invited by a pretty co-ed in most cases to a classy establishment to mingle amongst many former ABC University (fictional college) alums. The athlete then makes his way through a sea of tailored suits, most who introduce themselves and then extend a hand in the gesture to give the standard handshake that we all have come to do on a daily basis. The difference in me shaking my neighbor’s hand and then pulling back an empty palm, the receiver

than the school has on campus to see. With the guidance of an upperclassman on the team, the recruit will accompany him to a series of parties thrown near the campus or in some of the fraternity houses. What a wide-eyed and bushytailed mama’s boy may see is a young woman or women he may have dreamed about at some point. Beautiful beyond measures, wanting and vying for his attention. He may have been attending school with a bunch of 5s, but now

about the payments to strippers for an exchange of sex with the athletes by a former graduate assistant coach. While the school itself banned the team from post-season action, no heavy sanction has yet to be levied by NCAA against Louisville’s basketball program. Something like this seems to often get swept under the rug when a highly successful coach like Rick Pitino is associated with the program.

“Veer Offense.” In all actuality, cheating is accepted by most college football supporters. They really find it easier to accept when their own team has out-bid the school down the road for a hot commodity recruit.

pulls his back with one or more crispy “C-Notes” in hand is obvious. If he shakes enough hands of the rich alumni, he will be able to walk away with enough money to pay for the gas to go into the Ford Mustang he got when he signed with the school for the remainder of the school year.

he has a couple of 10s on each shoulder. Both promising that if he decided to sign with that particular school, the elation he is in store for will be the norm once he hits campus in the fall.

It often is assumed that a college program recruits players based on their winning track record and great academic standards. Why else would a kid from North Dakota be attending school in Georgia? Paying him had absolutely nothing to do with his decision to travel that far for his education. The fact the he has a new truck given to him that is valued more than the house in which he was raised has nothing to do with it for sure, right? The saying of “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying” must be the intellectual property of some former Big Ten coach looking to justify why he had a booster send large sums of cash to a quarterback he just had to have to run his

booster. I would venture to say that not one of the top 100 listed athletes on that recruiting database got a new Trans Am on the morning of signing day. Not even the more modern Dodge Challenger was received by any as well. That doesn’t mean that any of them are walking to school today either.

The vice that most young men have is young beautiful women. With raging hormones that we all had when we were 18 or 19 has been played upon by schools as well. When recruits take their weekend visits to their top five choices, more than just the stadium layout and student center are viewed by the prospect. By night fall, the weekend getaway usually will include more

Little does the recruit know that the party was prearranged by someone in the program. Those cute co-eds were both students of the university or hired exotic dancers from the local topless establishment. All were paid to help convince the athlete to come to that particular college. The University of Louisville’s basketball program just recently underwent tons of scrutiny with the coming out of five former players and recruits

Eric Dickerson drove his free Trans Am, compliments of the school down in College Station, around campus for a couple years until an upgrade was provided by some appreciative

Cheating in college athletics still is prevalent throughout. Though more discreteness is practiced today, cheating itself hasn’t ceased. They have just found new ways of doing it besides standing on a leaning porch in rural America with a bag full of money.

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HACKING THE WINS: A Tale of Major League Espionage BY PATRICK R. MALONE – @PATRICK_MALONE ESPN’s Jim Bowden published his ideas recently on the matter and how MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred should handle not only the Cardinals punishment, but prevent future attacks on other organizations. His take on the whole situation includes fining the Cardinals at least $1.7 million, which was the “estimated value of the unauthorized information.” He goes on to discuss taking away draft picks and repaying legal fees, but where it gets interesting is where he talks about “new computer requirements.”

hen it comes to winning baseball, building from within is a more long-term and sustainable solution. Smaller market teams not named the New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox, who have a history of throwing money at players to win, have approached this method with great success. To get there though, teams must go through the Major League Baseball draft. It’s one of baseball’s key contributors for stocking a team’s farm system and building ‘homegrown’ success. It also is known for being one of the biggest crapshoots as far as professional sports drafts go. It is this reason alone that it’s no surprise that teams will do whatever it takes to get a leg up on their competition with trickery and spy tactics (Google Spygate). So when the public heard that one MLB team ‘hacked’ another for information on the draft, it almost came as no surprise. Almost. But that doesn’t mean teams aren’t worried about their own networks. “While we do have a number of security measures in place to safeguard access to our system, the (Houston) Astros’ recent exposure only further emphasizes our need to be more vigilant in securing our system,” said Thad Levine, assistant general manager of the Texas Rangers. The incident Levine is referring to is the St. Louis Cardinals/Astros hacking case that took place last summer. Reports surfaced that then-St. Louis Scouting Director Christopher Correa ‘hacked’ SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

the Astros’ system during the MLB Draft using an old password used by ex-Cardinals’ exec turned Astros General Manager Jeff Luhnow. The FBI-led investigation showed that Correa also reused the same method to access the Astros MLB trade deadline notes. Now, just eight months later, Correa’s superior scouting skills will be punished. Correa was indicted in January on five of the 12 charges brought against him. He faces up to five years in prison, restitution and a $250,000 fine for each charge. “I accept responsibility in this case,” the former scouting director told U.S. District Judge Lynn Hughes at the hearing. “I trespassed repeatedly.” Correa, who told the judge “it was stupid,” will receive his sentencing April 11, ironically, the date of the Cardinals’ home opener. Meanwhile, the Astros certainly won’t be the last victim. In this cyber era that incorporates all things Internet, hacking is a thing of normality. Since the start of 2014, Sony, Ashley Madison, Target, JP Morgan Chase, Home Depot, EBay, Staples, Premera, Carefirst, the IRS, oh, and the U.S. government (just to name a few) were all hacked, according to Hackmegeddon.com, a database for information security timelines and statistics. And that’s only a handful of examples. The list goes on. So how does the MLB prevent this plague from infiltrating (if it hasn’t already) and affecting other teams?

“Manfred should put together a task force that would make sure all 30 teams have sufficient security for their baseball operations systems so that hacking is nearly impossible,” Bowden said. “These systems can either be checked on a regular basis or be monitored from a central location (i.e. the commissioner’s office).” Now, Correa’s actions of keeping some exemployee’s password for safekeeping for a later date hardly constitute as actual hacking. If teams really wanted to hack another team for information, having a roadmap of sorts already laid out of what to do and what not to do would allow them to certainly tiptoe around and avoid certain exploits. Not to mention that all a team would have to do is hire a third-party hacker and said team’s hands would be completely clean. All that said, security measures, as well as doling out punishments, should be put into place to possibly avoid future headlines and headaches. And if Manfred continues down the fantastic path he’s already on, he will indeed carry out some possible solutions. Here are a couple of areas MLB and its teams might address. First things first: when changing organizations completely, one must simply not keep the same password and add a 1, 2 or 3 to the end of it. Changing your password every 90 days to a completely new password is a good way to prevent any future idiocy, albeit, accidental idiocy. Call it a self-governing firewall if you will, or better yet, a fireball (get it?). To further the point, a homeowner buys a security system to protect themselves and their belongings, but leaves the front door unlocked. In other words, corporate compliance could go a long ways for MLB teams. For those who don’t

know, corporate compliance is “a system which is designed to detect and prevent violations of law by the agents, employees, officers and directors of a business,” according to corporatecompliance.com. It shouldn’t stop there though for teams and their employees. They should also invest into their own cyber security. Don’t rely on just the league to take care of everyone’s business, not that they aren’t capable. Teams are a business and like big business they all more than likely have networks using team computers and such. Sophos, a security software and hardware company that develops products for communication endpoint, encryption, network security, email security and mobile security as well as unified threat management, identifies three possible solutions to safeguard a network from cyber-attacks. The first is “network-based mitigation.” Yikes. There really isn’t a simpler way to address this other than it’s basically the action of reducing the severity or seriousness, and in most cases prevention, of a cyber-attack through the use of firewalls and “filtering network traffic addressed to the attacked network through high-capacity networks with ‘traffic scrubbing’ filters.” The second is “host-based mitigation.” Sophos explains that network administrators should ensure HTTP and Transmission Control Protocol (TCP) sessions’ time out at a reasonable time. The third is “proactive measures,” which apparently are for those with the “know-how” to fight back...as if any of the other measures can be taken easily by the average Joe. But anyways, these are different action items MLB and teams could be doing. Who knows, they could already be implementing these strategies into their networks as we speak. Correa’s actions are just the beginning of the headlines. It’s the dawn of cyber-attacks, even the biggest corporations are prone to disaster (just ask Skynet) and MLB teams are no different. It’s already known that teams will do anything to beat their rivals. This could be the beginning of a major-league-sized problem for Manfred and all 30 teams. Just remember, it all starts with this: one man’s password is another man’s draft information.

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UFC 196

Preview BY KYLER KUEHLER – @KPKUEHLER

ltimate Fighting Championship 196 featuring dos Anjos vs. McGregor will air on March 5 from Las Vegas and has the Mixed Martial Arts world buzzing with interest. This night will be special since there will be two title bouts. The current face of the UFC (McGregor) and the only fighter to beat superstar Ronda Rousey certainly have fans waiting with baited breath. Onto the preview my friends… (C) Rafael dos Anjos (24-7-0) vs. (C) Conor “The Notorious” McGregor (19-2-0) This one is for the lightweight championship. This has got to be the most anticipated championship fight in UFC history as it will be only the second time champions in different weight classes will face each other for one belt with one hoping to defend, the other looking to claim two titles. Dos Anjos brings Muay Thai and jiu-jitsu that has made him a dominating force in the lightweight division with big name victories that turned him into the current division champion. McGregor brings striking and jiu-jitsu that has led him to a near-perfect MMA record with 17 of his 19 wins finished by knockout turning him into the current featherweight champion. While both champions have standing and ground game, this bout looks to be an epic fight in the making as fans will get to see a full on blood bath between two dominating champions looking to prove to the world that they are the better champion. If the fighters stay on their feet it is hard to tell who has the edge since both have great striking games, but if I had to chose it would probably favor McGregor due to his deadly striking ability making him more of a threat to stand up inside the Octagon. However, dos Anjos has a well-rounded game plan that looks to be far greater than any other McGregor foe. That could be just the advantage dos Anjos needs to control the fight and make McGregor think twice about competing in the

lightweight division. With what both fighters bring and how skilled they are with their techniques it looks like a matter of who plays the better game and can outwit his opponent and make history. My prediction: dos Anjos wins via TKO in round 4. (C) Holly “The Preacher’s Daughter” Holm (100-0) vs. No. 2 Miesha “Cupcake” Tate (17-5-0) This is a fight for the women’s bantamweight championship. These are two highly skilled women who have made names for themselves with epic performances and wins that have both wanting to face each other to discover who is better and now they will know the answer. Holm brings boxing, kickboxing and wrestling that has helped her remain undefeated and given her the deadliest striking power that has been proven time and time again and was fully understood when she knocked out former champion Rousey. Tate brings jiu-jitsu and wrestling that has helped her become an efficient grappler and also given her great cardio to where she can outscore her opponents to win fights by decision in a mostly dominating performance. The set up for this fight appears to be a striker taking on a grappler, which usually falls in the hands of the grappler due to takedown abilities and ways to control opponents from the ground. If that is the case, then Tate looks like she could take this fight in the bag as her intense wrestling always has helped her control her opponents and get her out of tough spots when she is in fatal trouble. That could be where she could take full advantage of Holm thus making Holm’s deadly striking almost useless. However, no one can forget Holm’s great takedown defense as she has avoided all takedowns and uses her striking to full effect which has been very lethal against an array of opponents. However, we have never seen Holm battle a full-grounded wrestler before so this fight will not be anything like her

previous bouts, but what we all can expect to see is a great clash between these two female athletes looking to prove who is the better fighter. My prediction: Holm wins via knockout in round 2. No. 12 Corey “Beastiin 25/8” Anderson (8-1-0) vs. Tom “Filthy” Lawlor (9-5-0, 1 NC) This is a three-round fight in the light heavyweight division. In this fight are two warriors looking to begin their paths to facing top fighters in the light heavyweight division by adding another win to possibly secure a top 10 ranking in the division. Anderson brings jiu-jitsu and wrestling that has helped him become efficient in both standing and ground game making him much more of a challenge to his opponents. Lawlor brings jiu-jitsu and wrestling that have helped him become well-rounded in submissions and knockouts. With both fighters having the same techniques it looks like the fight might be hard to predict. But if both remain on their feet, it looks to favor Anderson with his impressive striking power that Lawlor does not really seem to match. If Lawlor can somehow bring the fight to the ground and keep Anderson from turning the fight into a boxing match, he might have a chance by placing Anderson in a submission hold and make a surprise win by submission. However, to do so he will have to be quick and avoid as many strikes as possible from Anderson if he wants to have a chance at winning this fight. My prediction: Anderson wins via TKO in round 1.

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THREE UT O B A S THING TIFUL A BEAU N WOMA

TIFFANY What type of guys are you always attracted to? I like bellies on guys. Not like a big pot belly, but a little hairy belly can be sexy. A like a man who can eat. Men shouldn’t diet. Men are meant to be big and strong to protect their woman.

OUR PEDIGREE D MAGAZINE READERS CHOICE “BEST HOT DOG” 2014 BLITZ WEEKLY BLITZIE AWARD “BEST HAMBURGER” 2014 URBAN SPOON “MOST POPULAR HOT DOG” 2013 D MAGAZINE READERS CHOICE “BEST HOT DOG” 2013 BLITZ WEEKLY BLITZIE AWARD ‘BEST HOT WINGS” 2013 DALLAS OBSERVER READERS CHOICE “BEST HOT DOG” 2013 DALLAS MORNING NEWS “BEST BURGER IN DFW” 2013 BLITZ WEEKLY “BEST SPOTS TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL” 2013 HOW ABOUT WE “TOP DALLAS DATE SPOT” 2013 CRAVE DFW “BEST DOGS OF DALLAS” 2012 DALLAS MORNING NEWS “BEST BURGER IN DFW” 2012 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST BURGER” 2010 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST GREASY SPOON” 2009 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST NACHOS” 2009 D MAGAZINE “D-BEST HAMBURGER” 2006 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST BURGER” 2006 AOL CITY GUIDE “BEST CHEAP EATS” 2006 AOL CITY GUIDE “BEST LATE NIGHT DINING” 2005 AVID GOLFER MAGAZINE “BEST WINGS” 2004 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HANGOVR THERAPY” 2003 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HOT DOG” 2002 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HAMBURGER” 2002 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST PLACE TO BUY A DOG” 2001 D MAGAZINE “BEST HANGOVER HELPER” 2001 THE MET “BEST BAR FOOD” 2000 D MAGAZINE “BEST WINGS” 2000 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST WINGS” 1998 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST HOT DOG” 1994 DALLAS OBSERVER “BEST WNGS” 1992

The one thing that turns you off? Speedos. I’m not a fan. If you show up wearing one of those, you have to change or I’ll make you change. I mean what the hell is that? What are you wearing?! I can’t do those. You told us that you the love kitchen… Yes! I love to cook. My dad is a chef and over the years he has taught me lots of tricks of the trade. If you’re my man, you’ll end up with a little belly… oh and I can make a mean fresh peach cobbler!

Ricky Tang Model: Tiffany SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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Sláinte! Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with These Irish-Themed Imports BY KALI AH YUEN – @KAALIFLOWER

hat better way to celebrate the Irish (now American) holiday than experiencing Ireland without leaving home? The Metroplex is home to many Irish-themed pubs and establishments that provide an atmosphere and festivities of the Irish from watching sports to having a drink with the lads. Some of them feature authentic music while others serve up Irish-themed dishes.

specials take place on different days, mostly offered at night. The pub has several St. Patrick’s Day specials, including a separate menu offering Shepherd’s Pie, corned beef and cabbage, and Guinness beef stew. Irish dancers, music and drinks also will take place in celebration of the holiday. dallasdubliner.com.

from Irish to American foods. Among the many dishes, the fish and chips are worth a try. Daily drink specials are offered along with daily lunch and chef’s specials. Irish dancers, drink specials and possible impromptu performances will fill the pub in celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. mcswiggansirishpub.com.

Malarkey’s Tavern

The Fillmore Pub

It is a lively pub with a native Irish feel to the wooden-and-brick-structured establishment. With a significant variety of beers and whiskeys to choose from, Malarkey’s has something to offer any taste bud. The place offers an extensive

Inspired by Irish and United Kingdom traditions, it offers a warm, comforting atmosphere. From the wide selection of craft beers to the homemade food to one of the best whiskey selections around, this pub has a little something

There are many options to celebrate this St. Patrick’s Day, whether it be an uptown party or downtown gathering. With an almost neverending selection of beer and whiskey along with Irish-inspired cuisine, here’s a list of Irish-themed bars and restaurants that brings the ‘Land of a Thousand Welcomes’ to your doorstep:

Trinity Hall Irish Pub

The pub gives off an authentic Irish feel from the televised soccer games to the live weekend Celtic music. Not to mention, this place has one of the largest beer and whiskey selections in the area. Trinity Hall offers different activities depending on the day of the week, from Monday Night Poker to Pub Quiz Trivia. The Best Chicken Sandwich on the Planet, the fish and chips, and Shepherd’s Pie are must try dishes. It is open all day on St. Patrick’s Day and will feature music, and visits from the Pipers and Singers. trinityhall.tv.

The Dubliner

Managed by a native Dubliner, this pub makes you feel as if you were actually in Ireland with its wooden-paneled walls. The Dubliner offers a vast selection of imported and craft brews and whiskies, both Irish and Scottish. The draught Guinness is said to be “the best in town” by many guests. The cheese dishes are phenomenal. Drink

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Paddy Red’s Irish Pub

A roomy, basement bar that provides a traditional pub vibe. Darts, pool, video games, and shuffleboard are among the various activities the establishment offers. There are seven TVs so sports fans will never miss a game. The pub does not offer food, but allows guests to bring in their own. However, there are 90 different beers with a large selection of top-shelf liquors and Irish whiskeys. Drink specials vary, as you might guess, depending on the day featuring unique cocktails and bold specialty beers. For St. Patrick’s Day, the pub is hosting a pajama party with live music, drink specials and free swag. paddyreds.com.

The Ginger Man

This Irish-inspired pub offers a traditional atmosphere and over the years has sprouted several other Metroplex locations. Here we’re talking about the mothership in Uptown and on most nights, you can even enjoy live music while downing a few cold ones. There is an emphasis on the variety of beers from international, national, and local breweries. There also is a large selection of ciders and wines. Newcomers can do wrong trying the Dogfish Head Chicken Feta Bratwurst sandwich or the Dogfish Head Bratwurst and Ale Onion. Sublime might best describe the experience. Details about the St. Patrick’s Day celebration are to be determined; however, if it is anything like previous holidays, there will be drink specials and music. thegingerman.com.

Staggering Irishman

A warm tavern with an Irish meets American flair offering an extensive selection of draft beers and whiskeys to responsibly imbibe. The TVs constantly play sports with open pool tables as well. The folks here serve up traditional Irish food including fish and chips, corned beef and cabbage, and Irish-infused nachos which are must try dishes. Happy Hour is every day from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. with “Sunday Funday” offerings all day long. On St. Patrick’s Day, Staggering Irishman will be serving green beer and special Irish drinks. There will be giveaways and other eventful activities as well. staggeringirishman.pub.

The menu is diverse offering Irish-inspired brunch, appetizers, sandwiches and late-night dishes. The pretzel-bratwurst board, fish and chips, and Irish Reuben sandwich are consistent mainstays. Drink specials vary during the week. In celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, the pub will offer Irish beer, food and whiskey specials all day with a show from our friends, The Killdares, and a bagpiper (read: awesomeness!) and an early opening. idlerichpub.com.

menu serving British and Irish-inspired foods. The Reuben sandwich, Irish Tacos, and bread pudding are among many must-try dishes. Drink specials are available on different days of the week. For St. Patrick’s Day, Malarkey’s is hosting an extravaganza with green beer, free giveaways, drink specials, and a separate Irish-inspired menu. malarkeystavern.com.

McSwiggin’s Irish Pub

This classic neighborhood tavern brings a taste of Ireland to Texas with a New England Twist. With an overly decorated interior and traditional pub design, the bar and restaurant offer a congenial atmosphere. Sports and music fill the nightspot on a daily basis. The menu ranges

for everyone’s liking. The menu offers British and Irish-inspired dishes with a twist of American flavor. The Fillmore burger and onion rings are certainly filling. For brunch try the bangers and eggs. Trust me on this one. Weekly specials for drinks differ depending on the day of the week including retro cocktails and the whiskey of the month. St. Patrick’s Day is celebrated with food and drink specials all day with live music. thefillmorepub.com.

Idle Rich Pub

This pub is Irish owned and operated bringing a warm, friendly atmosphere of a traditional Irish pub to Uptown. It is fitted with rich cabinetry, furnishings and tile work directly from Ireland.

The Abbey Pub

A local and authentic Irish pub with a tradition of providing good times with great friends in Cowtown aka Funkytown aka Fort Worth. Besides the classic feel and wide selection of beer, the pub offers pool, darts and shuffleboard. There is a significant emphasis on sports with various TVs playing soccer and other sports games. Happy Hour takes place every day from 3-8 p.m. The Abbey Pub does not serve food, but allows outside food and there are restaurants within a convenient distance, such as Taco Head. You know the St. Patrick’s Day celebration is worth partaking even though a detailed announcement hasn’t been made public. abbey-pub.com.

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BY ALAN SCULLEY ALANLASTWORD@GMAIL.COM

INTERVIEW

Black Sabbath formed in 1968 in Birmingham, England, and was originally a blues rock group known as The Polka Tulk Blues Band then became Earth before settling on their current moniker. Often cited as pioneers of heavy metal, Black Sabbath incorporated horror-inspired lyrics in its songs addressing political corruption, social instability and the horrors of war. Over the years, the band has had numerous lineup changes with guitarist Tony Iommi being the only constant. With 70 million albums sold world wide, the band has reunited (sans drummer Bill Ward) for one final tour. “13 was our first No. 1 (album) ever in the United States,” Osbourne, 67, said. “And we wanted to end it on a high note.” “We just all decided that we wanted to do one last tour,” Butler, 66, elaborated. “And we’re all getting up there in age, and while we’re still at the top of our profession, both musically and aesthetically, we wanted to go out on the top and we feel that this is the right time to do it.” Considering the ups and downs that characterized much of the four-plus decades of Black Sabbath, it’s understandable the group has decided to quit while the quitting is good.

Mark Weiss Black Sabbath in 2016. From l to r: Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler

he announcement that Black Sabbath would open 2016 with the initial dates on its final tour immediately triggered the question that usually greets news of farewell tours: Will this really be the last roundup for the genre-defining heavy-metal band? If singer Ozzy Osbourne’s and bassist Geezer Butler’s responses during a January interview are any indication, there’s no wiggle room when it comes to calling this tour final. “No,” Osbourne replied succinctly to a query about whether the band might change its mind about future activity. “It’s definitely the end,” Butler chimed in, reinforcing Osbourne’s response. In a sense, the success of Black Sabbath’s 2013 comeback album, 13, and the tour that followed it solidified the thinking between Osbourne, Butler and guitarist Tony Iommi that there was nothing left to accomplish. SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

With 13, Osbourne, Iommi and Butler did what many undoubtedly thought would be mission impossible at this advanced stage of the original trio’s career – they made new music that lived up to the standard set by Black Sabbath’s original run of 1970s albums, which included such landmark releases as Paranoid, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Sabotage. With their thick, thundering riffs, bombastic beats and often dark or topical lyrical themes, the first half-dozen albums created the template for the entire heavy-metal genre and featured many of the cornerstone songs that still populate the band’s live shows, such as “Paranoid,” “War Pigs,” “Iron Man” and “Sabbath Bloody Sabbath.” But by the time of Black Sabbath’s seventh album, 1976’s Technical Ecstasy, inter-band tensions, drug use and burnout had taken a toll and the music was suffering. Osbourne even left the band after rehearsals for the next album Never Say Die! only to return to Black Sabbath several months later and complete the recording of that 1978 album. But after touring for Never Say Die!, Osbourne quit for real, leaving Iommi, Butler and drummer Bill Ward to pick up the pieces. Osbourne went on to what became a highlysuccessful solo career that has included 11 studio

Black Sabbath circa 1970. From l to r: Geezer Butler, Tony Iommi, Bill Ward, Ozzy Osbourne albums, seven of which went platinum or better in the states, and a high-profile reality TV series, The Osbournes. Black Sabbath, meanwhile, pressed on with Iommi recruiting a succession of singers (including Ronnie James Dio and Ian Gillian) and drummers (most notably Ward and Vinny Appice) and bassists (Butler did a few stints) over the next two decades and releasing a steady stream of albums of varying quality and popularity among metal fans. As the years went on, rumors of a reunion of the original Sabbath lineup surfaced periodically before Osbourne in 1997 reunited with Iommi and Butler for that summer’s Ozzfest tour. Ward then came on board for more shows in December of that year. The band also attempted to record new material following those shows and again in 2001, but the sessions did not come to fruition. Two more reunions followed, for the 2004 and 2005 Ozzfest tours, before the four original band members in November 2011 announced plans to do a new album and tour behind that release. But Ward dropped out of the project in February 2012, leaving Osbourne, Iommi (who at the time was battling lymphoma but is doing well now) and Butler to carry on with Rage Against The Machine’s Brad Wilk filling the drummer slot in making 13. Osbourne declined to discuss what went wrong with Ward and why he has since refused to rejoin Sabbath. “I don’t want to talk about it actually. Next question, please,” Osbourne said of Ward. If relations with Ward appear strained, Osbourne said making 13 and having a successful tour to support the album was rewarding and helped set the stage for the group to do its final tour and leave Black Sabbath in a good place. “I mean, Black Sabbath has been through the mill over the years,” the singer said. “To come back and be friends with my buddies who I started up with all those years ago, it’s a closure for me to have a chapter of my life which I can say, ‘well, we came, we saw, we had a good time, and now it’s over.’ “I’m glad we ended up having more or less whatever has gone on between us over the years, we’ve gotten rid of all that,” he said. “And we are friends again. So it’s, I mean, it’s good that at the

end of my days on this planet, I can say, ‘Well we ended okay,’ you know.” Before the final tour was announced, there had been talk of attempting a follow-up album to 13. Those plans were abandoned, but the group will have a new release to sell at shows on the final tour. Called The End, the CD includes four studio tracks – “Season of the Dead,” “Cry All Night,” “Take Me Home” and “Isolated Man” – that were left off of the 13 album and live versions of four songs from 13 – “God is Dead,” “Under the Sun,” “End of the Beginning” and “Age of Reason.” The extra studio tracks were a product of changing plans for the 13 album. “We went into the studio with an idea of 13 songs, which is why the album is called 13,” Butler explained. “But then, when we were in the studio, we wrote another three songs; we just brought it up to 16 songs. And then we left off to regroup and to pick which songs would go on the album, and to give it some light and shade. So we picked the eight songs that went on the 13 album. And we still have these – we did a few (additional) songs on the limited-edition versions of the album. And then we had the four left over. And so what we’ve decided to do is a gig-only CD.” No new material has been written since the 13 sessions, according to Osbourne and Butler, so The End CD includes the only remaining songs in the vault from the final Black Sabbath reunion. Osbourne said the band essentially is planning a greatest hits/fan favorites’ show on the final tour. “We decided not to do so many new songs (off of ) the last album 13 because what people really wanted is the old classics,” Osbourne said. “It takes them back down memory lane for them, I suppose.” Butler said he isn’t sure what he’ll do after Black Sabbath calls it a day. Osbourne, though, has some plans. “I’m going to be doing another solo tour,” he said. “I don’t know what sort of situations are coming up. But I don’t want to do extensive touring. I can’t do it anymore, a year out on the road. So, I’m done. I’ll do gigs. I’ll do watered-down tours and things. But I’m going to still be actively involved in music to a certain degree, I hope.”

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Album Review: Kanye West, The Life of Pablo You had all the hype and entertainment you wanted in the build up for Kanye West’s new album. He changed his album name three times before sticking with The Life of Pablo, the release date was delayed, there were Twitter rants and even a rumor of hated businessman Martin Shkreli buying the album’s rights. Yes, it’s entertaining waiting on the works of one of the best musical artists in the modern day. The Life of Pablo was released on Tidal after Kanye’s performance on Saturday Night Live. It’s Kanye’s eighth studio album and his first since Yeezus in 2013. The release could not have come at a better time. The Life of Pablo triumphs West’s colleagues (Future, 2 Chainz and Young Thug) released mixtape that lacked in originality. Kanye constantly brings nuances with each new song and the track list on TLOP is no different. West opens his album with one of the best songs of the decade, “Ultralight Beam” which combines rap and gospel as Kanye reflects on his relationship with his religion. It starts with an excerpt from a popular Instagram post of a 4-year-old girl praying out loud with her family.

That leads into Kanye, Kelly Price and The Dream singing about their faith with each final word being punctuated by a church choir. Chance The Rapper’s addition was the icing on the cake. These are the best lyrics in the album as Chance references many things including him staying independent and releasing free material to listeners. The Life of Pablo sounds like a true anecdote of someone’s life. It’s entertaining listening throughout the album and hearing about Kanye’s relationships with ex-girlfriends. The song “30 Hours” tells the story of one of Kanye’s first relationships, in which he would travel from Los Angeles to record his first album The College Dropout, back to his hometown of Chicago. His most likely radio-hit is “Waves” written by Kanye and Chance the Rapper featuring Chris Brown. “Facts” is a ringing endorsement for his new deal with Adidas (you learn how much he hates Nike). The loud bass in this track resembles some of his earlier “workout hits.” Yet, this album is not Kanye’s best album. You used to be able to hang on to nearly every lyrical hook from College Dropout to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. But empty lyrics like his inaccurate reflections on Taylor Swift in “Famous”

and reference to Ray J in “Highlights” present his eerie narcissist personality.

BY STEPHEN ELLIOTT @WHOISSTEPHENE

But at its core, The Life of Pablo delivers what fans have been waiting for since Yeezus. Even if you strip the lyrics, Kanye’s and Swizz Beatz musical work represents the genre exceptionally. “Real Friends” probably is his worst track on the album but still holds weight compared to recent rap records. Even hearing Kanye’s financial issues adds another element to the album that makes it sound different once played again. Give Kanye this much, he believes in his music and he knows how to paint his story with it.

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MARCH 2016

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

ELECTIONS, NEW HAMPSHIRE, AND EDUCATION BY JEANNE ALLEN – @BLITZWEEKLY

DonkeyHotey

As the American people were digesting the results of the 2016 New Hampshire primary, and the news media acted like the contest for president was over, a reminder of how democracy in America works in is order. More than 150 years ago, de Tocqueville called the four-year cycle of presidential elections a “revolution…in the name of the law,” writing: “Long before the appointed day arrives, the election becomes the greatest, and one might say the only, affair occupying men’s minds…As the election draws near, intrigues grow more active and agitation is more lively and widespread. The citizens divide up into several camps…The whole nation gets into a feverish state…” Wait, you mean this isn’t the first year people wanted to send a message? The reality is that – thankfully, for the cause of education – the New Hampshire primary was just the beginning. Democracy matters, and for the media and the pundits to begin to declare winners and losers long before November is an assault on what we stand for: knowledge and the cause of opportunity for all Americans. Those of us engaged in education know that knowledge matters. In the spirit of knowledge (as well as improving the institutions that help many arrive at such knowledge, namely schools), here are a few American government basics for the voters (and a candidate or two?) of what this democracy in America that de Tocqueville reported is all about:

Many people feel disenfranchised lacking basic education, work, housing and support. “If ever freedom is lost in America,” de Tocqueville cautioned, “that will be due to the… majority driving minorities to desperation…” But our common sense, he predicted, would most often prevail.

Despite widespread frustration with the status quo and a very conflicted populous that changes opinions daily, New Hampshire is a state, not a nation. The great democratic contest SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

for the next president goes on for another nine months. (Sorry candidates – it’s not over!)

Presidents do not abolish agencies. Congress makes laws, presidents execute. Even abolishing agencies – say the Department of Education – does nothing to the programs that exist within them. You want to change education? You change state laws. Presidents can lead, recommend and cajole, not end state or federal efforts. Even a united Congress has difficulty doing that.

Saying education should be about local control ignores the fact that the only people who have the control are school boards and teachers unions. Assigning children based on zip codes bestows no power on those who need it the most – parents. This has been the case since 1965, unless states have pushed those institutions to reform or adopt various charter school or choice programs. As we move toward the next round of contests, let’s check our candidates every step of the way on what matters most to making education – and by extension our nation – great. Rather than responding to aspirational talk, for starters, we should be asking: • What is education and why does it matter? • Precisely what do you know about how the government functions in and around education, and what would you do to make it work for the people? • What have you done to create more educational equality, as well as quality options, for kids? What would you do? For the guardians of education reform, there has never been a more important moment in history. Let’s be educated about the stakes, and educate our neighbors and our fellow citizens to distinguish between the reality and the rhetoric. Jeanne Allen is founder and president emeritus of The Center for Education Reform in Washington, D.C.

IF THE CANDIDATES WERE ROCK STARS!

BY PETER GERSTENZANG – @HAPPYSPAPPY

ast night, after listening to the radio, watching CNN and eating chalupas at Taco Bell, I had a very strange dream. I imagined all the presidential candidates had turned into legendary rock stars. Even more amazing, I found myself singing a scorching rendition of “Quando Quando Quando.” But that’s for another time. Right now, I present to you, the top contenders and the rockers I think they most resemble. Oh and next time I’ll try eating at Chipotle and see what happens. It’s cool. I have health insurance now.

Donald Trump Is David Lee Roth:

They both love the sound of their own voices so much, they’ll still be talking a year after they die. They need so much strategic help arranging their little bit of hair, they’ve each brought in the Army Corps of Engineers for help. One difference. Diamond Dave only sang “Just a Gigolo.” Trump has lived it!

Bernie Sanders Is Henry Rollins:

These are two angry guys who believe the big banks should be broken up. And plan to do so by punching them with their fists. Neither one cares much about clothes. And when they change underwear, I believe they do it with each other. But the biggest similarity may be those loud, abrasive voices. Actually, a lot of people think that Bernie got his first notoriety as a senator from Vermont. Not true. It was singing lead in a Black Flag tribute band.

Ted Cruz Is Geddy Lee:

Although their voices are not obviously alike, they have the same effect on most members of the animal kingdom. When Geddy sings or Ted goes into his JFK impression, dogs run in counterclockwise circles on the lawn. Birds go into dead faints and fall off branches. Dire warning: if Mike Huckabee ever teaches Ted bass, prepare for The Rapture.

Marco Rubio Is Ted Nugent:

Both are convinced there are Taliban members waiting for them in the foyer. Or will, once you’ve explained to them what a foyer is. Marco loves guns every bit as much as his doppelganger. Or more, since Rubio made the heart-tugging confession that he bought a piece on Christmas Eve. Nobody actually knows which family member he gave the gun to on Christmas day. But it might be a good idea to be very polite to Marco’s wife and kids, if you’re ever introduced. Smile incorrectly and they might shoot you. Another weird coincidence? Ted sings “Cat Scratch Fever.” Marco is a carrier.

Hillary Clinton Is Joan Jett:

Don’t be fooled by the smart suits. Hillary is a Riot Grrrl. Just get her onstage with a guitar, then stand Bill next to her. And you won’t believe her version of “I Hate Myself for Loving You.” Put Elizabeth Warren on drums, and boys, pray your testicles don’t shrink down to the size of raisins.

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

MARCH 2016

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MARCH 2016

RAISING HELL

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

with Richard Rawlings

BY MATT PEARCE @MATTMAN1310

Matt Pearce

Richard Rawlings (black jacket) surround by his crew. Local cult personality Richard Rawlings as one might expect is a busy man. Between splitting his duties for his show, Fast N’ Loud which airs on the Discovery Channel, running his famous Gas Monkey Garage, Gas Monkey Bar N’ Grill and Gas Monkey Live business ventures, he also stays busy with new additions to his portfolio. The man barely has enough time to catch his breath let alone down a few cold ones. I tracked Richard down recently and with the help of his lovely assistant Christie Brimberry, he gave me a glimpse into his world and what makes him tick. Hell yeah! BLITZ12-2014.pdf

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Speaking of monster trucks and since the recent Monster Jam was basically in our backyard, what are your thoughts on how this all came together? Working with Feld [editor’s note: Feld Entertainment produces several live shows such as the Monster Jam, Monster Energy Supercross, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey among many others] has been a great experience so far. They’re all just very passionate about what they do, and it has been incredible to see so many Gas Monkey fans come out to support our drivers! Our driver, BJ Johnson, and his crew are pretty much badass! When BJ hurt his back, Joe Sylvester filled in and gave us one hell of a show out in Arlington.

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The Gas Monkey empire continues to grow as evidenced by your monster truck, recently released energy drink, etc. What’s next? I know it sounds cliché, but we really are just blessed to be where we are. We have the show, Gas Monkey Bar N’ Grill, Gas Monkey Live, a monster truck, an NHRA Pro Stock car, an Indy 500 car, Gas Monkey Tequila, and the Gas Monkey Energy drink. What’s next? The next cool thing that comes our way is next! I’m not one to pass up a good opportunity for the Gas Monkey brand, so I’ve always got my eyes and ears out for where we can leave our mark next.

In a previous episode of Fast & Loud, you acquired a 1978 Jaguar XJS, what made that car so special to you? My best friend Dennis and I broke the world record for the Cannonball Run back in 2007. The previous record was set in 1978 by Dave Yarborough and Dave Heinz. The ’78 Jag XJS I bought is the Jag Yarborough and Heinz drove when they broke

the record. What’s crazy about that is, anyone who has ever broken that record still owns the car they were driving when they won, except for Yarborough and Heinz. It’s a piece of rally history. Tell us more about the Gas Monkey Foundation and how our readers can help out? I created the Gas Monkey Foundation because I’m finally in a position where I can give back to the community. A big part of creating it was that I wanted to find a way to raise money for Alzheimer’s research. My dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about six years ago, and it’s just such an awful disease and it leaves everyone feeling so helpless. This is the best way I can think to help. The Gas Monkey Foundation benefits other local charities as well, including military and wildlife conservation charities. If anyone is interested in donating to the Gas Monkey Foundation, they can do so by donating a vehicle (car, truck, RV, boat, motorcycle), donating money or by attending one of the events we host throughout the year. More information on that can be found at gasmonkeyfoundation.org. Doing what you do and running your various businesses, how do you stay focused? What are some of your daily challenges that you deal with? Well, I get bored really easily, which is actually why I have so many businesses. It’s a combination of desire, hard work and ADD that got me to where I am today. Staying focused isn’t a problem at all, but giving my full attention to each one of the businesses and projects I have going on, well, that’s the challenging part. I’ve hired a really dependable, trustworthy staff to help me accomplish that part. I like to have my hand in all of it, but I know if I need to step back from one project to focus on another one, each project will be in good hands. What would surprise our readers that’s on your phone? A test app for a new mobile game by Zynga that will be available soon! Favorite car movie? The Cannonball Run! Since you’re a car guy and if you could have any mass-produced car to be your last ride, what would it be? Dodge Hellcat

CelebrityABC

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MARCH 2016

Bits of Wisdom…Kim Kardashian The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV. I have to be in a relationship in order to be intimate. I’m not the one-night-stand kind of girl. Despite the rumors. I know people think we drive around in these nice cars and we do whatever we want and our parents will pay our credit cards, but that’s not the case. Sure, my parents were generous; I got a nice car at 16, but at 18 I was cut off. I’ve worked really hard. I opened the store myself. I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms... my entire body is hairless. Believe it or not, fame is not as glamorous as it seems. I think it is much harder now with all of the media outlets, and people can be pretty nasty and harsh.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 The problem that you’re having with your Hunger Games theme park is incorporating a tea cup ride into a child death tournament. Aries: March 21-April 19 Remember everyone loves the town drunk in fictional works, not so much in real life and for God’s sake stop pissing on yourself. Taurus: April 20-May 20 If you ever feel like no one in this world cares about you, you’re wrong. The person who has to clean up your body most defiantly cares because they could have had the night off.

Andrew J. Hewett chewednews.blogspot.com INEDIBLE MEAT A California court has awarded (and fined) a total of $6 million after the death of Jose Melena, 62, who died at Bumble Bee’s Santa Fe Springs plant back in 2012. This happened when a fellow worker figured Melena was in the bathroom, dumped raw tuna into the 36-foot-by-54-inch pressure-cooker oven, started the heat, cooking his fellow worker to death.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 So you’re still trying to carry on the tradition of what Rainbow Reading stood for by having small children explain books to you. Cancer: June 22-July 22 Stop being offended when people call you “The Fat Jew,” they aren’t being antisematic, they actually mean you’re a poser who can’t muster up an original thought. Don’t fret though, we live in the age where being a hack gets you somewhere. So fuck them! Am I right? Leo: July 23-August 22 Your only real contribution to society is that your mere existence is so annoying, the great old one Cthulhu is kept at bay by it.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE? In 1995, Terry Cottle, 33, committed suicide, and his donated heart was transplanted inside Sonny Graham. Graham later met Cottle’s widow, Cheryl, and they married in 2004. And, in 2008, Graham also committed suicide. HOW FOOLISH THEY MUST FEEL In early August 2015, 11 bounty hunters surrounded a home in Phoenix, demanding a wanted felon surrender. Surprisingly, Phoenix’s police arrived, wanting to know why the bounty hunters had picked the home of their boss, police Chief Joseph Yahner? Turns out, the cause was a misguided tip.

Virgo: August 23-September 22 You’re the type of person who would drive home drunk, wreck your car almost hitting someone else, and then start a Crowdfunding page to pay for your medical bills.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 After watching Fight Club you get the courage to quit your job and “live” your life. Just remember the first rule…

Libra: September 23-October 22 Don’t ever let the pressures of life get to you. To feel overwhelmed, you first need people to actually expect something out of you. So don’t worry, you’re good.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 Even Cosplayers cringe at the thought of you having a picture of them.

Scorpio: October 23-November 21 Being alone this St. Patrick’s Day is better considering last year your gift was an STD. The kinda memory you can’t forget no matter how much ointment you buy.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 Dogs freak out around you for the same reason they freak out right before an earthquake hits. They just see you metaphorically as a human-quake of suck. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

MARCH 2016

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

It’s a fact, we all have to eat. Since we all know this there are times when we don’t want to break the bank for a meal or we’re trying to save a few bucks to pay other bills. I’ve done the research and come up with several venues that offer amazing meals and low, low prices that are easy on your wallet. Now that you have my list of the 10 best cheap eats in Dallas, go and explore. Bon appétit!

Mutts Canine Cantina I don’t understand Mutts’ business model and frankly I don’t care. With seriously-tasty $2.99 burgers on Tuesdays and $2 margaritas every Monday, who cares? Mutts is the perfect place to take a date, take a friend, or just fly solo with your pup when the weather’s great. For those with an aversion to burgers, Mutts offers Hypnotiq Donuts on the weekends…oh and salads too, if you’re into that. muttscantina.com.

Mama’s Daughters In North Dallas you’ll find biscuits and gravy for $2.79 and a BLT for around $4. Mama’s is the perfect place to stop if you spent all of your money at the bar the night before and have the hangover to prove it. The top Yelp review says it all, “The sides are delicious, the gravy is magnificent, you would want to bring it in your sex life.” The sides are absolutely enormous so you’re sure to get the bang for your buck. As if all this wasn’t enough, their coffee is pretty great too. mamadaughtersdiner.com.

Taqueria La Ventana

On Monday and Tuesday nights Nigiri is only $1 a piece from 5 p.m. till close. Now that the newlyrenovated Oishii no longer offers this Tuesday special, Asian Mint’s your best bet. You don’t have to be a big fan of Thai food to appreciate the wide range of options. The green curry is a fan favorite and the pad kee mow woon sen is a spicy dream come true. asianmint.com.

If you’re craving Mexican and looking for tacos cheaper than your Topo Chico, La Ventana’s your best bet. True to its name, tacos, burritos, salad bowls and beer are served up through an order window behind the much higher priced Meso Maya. Tacos are $1.95 each and smaller than what Tex-Mex fans know. Caveat: they seriously skimp on the cheese, so be sure to ask for extra on the side to ensure you get your fix. taquerialaventana.com.

Malai Kitchen

Fuel City Tacos

The Thai/Vietnamese restaurant in the heart of West Village is a deal if you stop by Monday through Friday 4-7 and all day Sunday. Two appetizers for $9 and $3 beers are reasons enough to spend a little more on the delicious entrees.

Are car washes and street tacos two of your favorite things? Doesn’t matter. These tacos will be on your list after you try them for a mere $1.75 each. This is for traditional street taco lovers only since these tacos skip all the frills. fuelcity.com.

Asian Mint

BY JACY COX @CULTURE_HYPE

If you’re looking to try new cocktails in Dallas, the Lemongrass Fizz is deceptively strong. Bonus: expect to be seated far earlier than the wait time they give you. malaikitchen.com.

Pot, Meet Kettle

Keller’s Hamburgers This burger gem always ranks among the best cheap eats in Dallas and with good reason. You won’t find any fancy Bison burgers here. What you will find is deliciously juicy burgers on poppy seed buns for $2.35 that will grease through your napkins, bag, and possibly your upholstery. It’s so worth it. 10226 Garland Road, Dallas.

Uncle Ubers If you love a sandwich that requires two hands to eat, Uncle Uber’s is your best bet. The Cuban is to die for and blows others in the Dallas area out of the water. Don’t skimp on the Uber sauce or garlic mayo. And, for a regular sandwich shop, the BunMe deserves a shout out. Fine it isn’t as cheap as other sandwich shops but we said “best cheap eats” not cheapest eats. uncleubers.com.

Kalachandji’s This Indian restaurant offers vegan, vegetarian and non-diary options along with an endless buffet of ambiguous but amazing food. Everything is made fresh daily and you can stack your plate as high as you can for a mere $9.95. It’s a steal for the quality of food and atmosphere. kalachandjis.com.

Lee Harvey’s The menu is in a constant state of flux but always offers something great for the frugal. Mondays offer $1 tacos and Tuesdays mean you can grab half-price burgers and fries. Personally, I’d skip all that for the $6 gumbo. leeharveys.com.

DonkeyHotey

BY PAUL A. ESQUIVEL – @SOAPMANSUPREME Imagine if 12 years ago someone told you that the pompous douche bag with the toupee on TV who says “You’re fired!” not only would just run for leader of our great nation but come close to winning with a campaign of hate and fear mongering. A man who has been quoted as saying “my fingers are long and beautiful, as has been well-documented, are various other parts of my body” in response to an insult made 20 years ago.

am I going with this? I’ll get there I promise, but I wanna make sure it is kinda spelled out clearly that I don’t hate political correctness. A shocker right? “But Paul how can you hate PC police or political correctness police, if political correctness isn’t real?”

Yeah, destroying our nation.

Well you’ve got me there, or no you don’t… psych! See PC police are very real, they are like grammar Nazis for society who don’t really help but feel like they are doing everyone a bunch of favors by being extremely sensitive and throw cry-baby tactics to bully others who don’t conform to them. The political correctness of the Republican Party is what I am speaking of, on the other hand though, well it doesn’t exist.

Now I will be the first one to speak up and say I’m sick of cry bullies and PC police, because they actually exist. See I hate real things that exist, but not just like I hate existence and stuff, no I mean like shitty drivers or mosquitoes. Where

Think about it, many people who have silently protested Trump rallies have been thrown out by security, spat on and assaulted by his supporters, but no yeah, it’s these acts of “PC” that are the real threat. Do we smell the bullshit yet?

It feels like the bad guy from a 80s movie is trying to become our next president and it’s pretty terrifying how close he’s coming. His supporters believe that political correctness (PC) kills people, that it is destroying our nation.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Here’s a scenario that might help, there is a term called “anchor baby” which if you Google it, the definition it brings up reads: n. Offensive Used as a disparaging term for a child born to a noncitizen mother in a country that grants automatic citizenship to children born on its soil, especially when the child’s birthplace is thought to have been chosen in order to improve the mother’s or other relatives’ chances of securing eventual citizenship. Yeah, is just about as dehumanizing as the N-word. Not wanting people to be called those

things isn’t being PC, it’s just embodying the most basic level of decency. The GOP claims it is attacked by PC culture when it is criticized for saying terms like “anchor baby” or that Mexican immigrants are rapists. GOP members say how much they hate PC yet they can’t see the irony of being offended when people, ah who am I kidding; when people like me, call them assholes. Isn’t the whole point of having a PC-free society mean that I can speak my mind and say how I feel or does that only apply to certain shades of pigmentation?

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 2

MARCH 2016

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