Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 28

Swedish bank robber busted by forgotten urine

BLITZ News Shorts Hollywood Profile/Movie Review Music: R.E.M. – Collapse Into Now Stars/Mavs News UFC 128 Preview March Madness Trivia Vigilantes News COVER STORY: 2011 March Madness Tournament Preview College Stars Who Failed BLITZ BABE: Ryan Irish Influences On Drinks Can This Job Be Saved? The Jett Stream Recession 101 Blitz Toys I Hit A Dog Food Review: Vineyard Steak House Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes Last Call: More Madness

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PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Keith Allison, Yu-Ping Chen, Jennifer Crowley, Manny Flores, Tim Gravens, Bernd Hannemann, Randy Robertson, Donshin, Jules, Skoch3, Toglenn, The Weaver STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak and Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Bob Allen, Brian Beard, Raymond Bloomquist, Fil Chapa, Dennis Hambright, Jim Hanigan, Andrew J. Hewett, Jack E. Jett, Brad LaCour, Mark Miller, Tennessee Chris CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

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A Swedish bank robber forgot to cover his tracks and left three bottles of urine behind after hiding inside a bank vault in Copenhagen for three days. The 27-year-old man and his accomplice used the bottles to relieve themselves after sneaking into the vault on a Friday in May and remaining there until the bank opened again the following Monday. While inside, the robbers emptied 140 safety deposit boxes of at least $500,000 in cash and jewelry. But Prosecutor Frederik Larsen said Wednesday they forgot to take the urine when they left “so we were able to get their DNA samples from the bottles.” The evidence helped prosecutors win a 21-month prison sentence for the Swede on Tuesday. His accomplice is still at large and the loot hasn’t been recovered.

Intruder, OREGON homeowner call police on each other

Oregon police say both an intruder and a Portland homeowner phoned 911 to report the same thing: a strange man in a home. Lt. Kelli Sheffer says the intruder told police he had just broken into a home Monday evening when the owner arrived — and the caller was worried the homeowner might have a gun. Accompanied by his two German Shepherds, the homeowner found the intruder and asked what he was doing in the house. That’s when the stranger locked himself in a bathroom and phoned police. The homeowner called police with his account. Sheffer says 24-year-old Timothy James Chapek, of Portland, was booked into jail for investigation of first-degree criminal trespass.

UNDERDOG: HUNDREDS SEEK OKLAHOMA PUP BACK FROM ‘DEAD’

Hundreds of people from the United States and Canada want to adopt an Oklahoma dog that survived an attempt to euthanize it. The puppy was one of five stray dogs that Sulphur animal control officer Scott Prall put to sleep Friday — or so he thought. Prall found one of the dogs alive Saturday in a trash bin set aside for dead animals and took it to veterinarian technician Amanda Kloski. “He was prancing around. He heard me drive up, and he looked up and saw me,” Prall said Wednesday. He said he initially found the stray dog near the animal shelter Friday and tried to kill it by injecting the dog with two lethal doses of a sedative in a foreleg and the heart. Each dose should have been enough to kill the dog, and the second injection was meant to ensure it worked. Kloski noted the dog’s survival on a pet adoption website, drawing the attention of Marcia Machtiger of Pittsburgh, who donated $100 so Kloski could board the dog for a week. A girl from Sulphur named the puppy Wall-e, after a Disney movie character, and Machtiger posted Wall-e’s story on her Facebook page. She and Kloski are sorting through hundreds of e-mails and phone calls from people wanting to adopt the lucky dog. “So many people are interested,” Kloski said. “Now we’re going through and trying to find the adoption applications for the best home.” Wall-e will be placed in a foster home at the end of the week while the search for a permanent home continues. Both Kloski and Machtiger said they have never seen so many people want to adopt one animal. Machtiger said people are interested in the puppy because his story is unique. “Having been euthanized basically twice...It’s a resurrection and a will to live and a medical anomaly,” she said. Sulphur is about 80 miles south of Oklahoma City.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

CHILD-MOTHER-CHILD

The Sun reported March 9, 2011, Rifca Stanescu, age 23, was already a grandmother. Stanescu told reporters by age 11 she’d become so afraid her father would make her marry someone she did not love, she ran away from her home in the village of Investi, Romania, to marry her love, a jewelry seller named Lonel Stanescu, age 13. After birthing a daughter at age 12, 11 years later that daughter returned the favor, making her mother the youngest grandmother in recorded history. (Meaning Rifca’s mother automatically became a great-grandmother at age 40.)

ACCOMPLISHING WHAT?

On March 8, 1965, the United States landed 3,500 Marines in South Vietnam. Ten years later, when Saigon fell to North Vietnam (April 30, 1975), the U.S. departed, having accomplished the following: 58,148 American military dead (average age 23), 153,300 wounded. (FYI, regarding more recent U.S. war efforts: over 300 times as many people have been killed in Afghanistan and Iraq as in the September 11, 2001 World Trade Center attack.)

DO WE NEED ABE NOW?

At one time, before becoming 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865) was a general store shopkeeper. When that business went broke, leaving Lincoln owing $1,100 (a very large amount back then), he promised to pay back each and every cent. It took him 15 years, but he kept that promise. (After starting his law practice in 1836, this “it’s right or it’s wrong” lawyer was soon known as Honest Abe.)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.” – John Wooden

HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with Matthew McConaughey

by Vivian Fullerlove

When I saw the trailer for The Lincoln Lawyer, I had a fabulous flashback to the first time I met a young Matthew McConaughey, fresh off his breakout role in what was in my opinion John Grisham’s best novel turned feature film, A Time To Kill. What I didn’t know was how literal the title was. McConaughey plays attorney Mick Haller, who offices out of the back of a Lincoln Town Car. He signs on to defend an LA playboy charged with assault and soon discovers that his new client has a sinister past that puts his own life in danger. I caught up with the Texas native to talk about the film and his co-star, Oscar winner Marisa Tomei. Tell me a little about your character. He’s not a white knight hero, that’s for sure. He’s not the bottom feeder—I think he’s a guy who could have been a Beverly Hills lawyer and succeeded. He just didn’t know how to do it. He could have done it, but it wasn’t him. He couldn’t really stomach the mendacity of those cases; so he stayed with what he was comfortable with and what he believed in, which was helping out these people who can’t help themselves. Would you hire an attorney like the one you play in the movie? He’s good. I don’t care if he’s riding a bike, if he’s good. I had to hire one, one time. He wasn’t working out of the back of a Lincoln, but it may have been a truck he was in, and it worked. Only cost me $50 bucks. That was $50 bucks too much, but I was acquitted. She and Mick have a pretty interesting relationship. It’s not a huge love story, but it does have a chance to show how a relationship like that does work. They have

“Entertainment’s Real Critic”

that relationship in my mind of like when they do, on some of those late nights, end up hooking up, they wonder, “What went wrong? We’re perfect for each other.” But when they wake up in the morning and sober up they realize, “What the hell was I thinking?” To make that relationship one of longing or one where at the end of the movie, you feel like they’re back together when they’re really not [is not realistic]. This relationship is more truthful, it’s more realistic, there’s a lot more couples like that that still have a working relationship and are still attracted to each other, but are not together. I get in a pinch, and she doesn’t know the details of it, but for me to ask her for something, I really need it. This is your second time to play a lawyer and the second time that story has been adapted from a novel. Is there an extra pressure that comes with doing a film based on a book? I’ve worked on a couple of films that came from novels. There’s a difference between a 500-page novel and a 120-page, double-spaced script. You have to get from A to C and skip B sometimes. There are certain beautiful nuggets in a book [that] you just can’t get into the film, and you shouldn’t; that’s why it’s a film and it’s an hour and a half. You don’t have time. Film is more of a “greatest hits” version of the many albums that are in a book, and without compressing too much a film still has to have room to breathe. There are certain little subtle relationships you have to look at and fold into the more primary relationships. The Lincoln Lawyer opens nationwide this week. The film is rated R for some violence, sexual content and language.

Fil Chapa - “One Film at a Time”

The Adjustment Bureau

There has been a longstanding debate about whether events in our lives occur randomly or whether they are actually part of a predetermined plan. Some types go with the flow and some never consider the possibility. Moreover, many people have, at one time or another, had curious situations occur that cannot be explained in simple terms—for example when a feeling of déjà vu arises in a place they have never visited or when a dream becomes reality. George Nolfi (The Bourne Ultimatum, Ocean’s Twelve) explores this idea in his adaptation of The Adjustment Bureau which stars the mighty Matt Damon and Emily Blunt, probably best known for her snippy portrayal of a demonette in The Devil Wears Prada. We are first introduced to David Norris (Damon), a young and promising politician who is most at ease when standing in front of throngs of adoring registered voters. Perhaps his only flaws are that he tends to be distracted by the occasional rowdy bar scene and ultimately by a lighter-than-air English tart. The usually fickle New York crowds eat up his hometown boyish charm and straightforward philosophy on how to make the country a better place. Everything seems to be going according to “plan” until a beautiful interpretive dancer and part-time wedding crasher named Elise Sellas comes along and sweeps the unsuspecting Mr. Norris off his feet. They meet and instantly

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connect—in a hotel men’s room of all places. This takes place after Norris blows a huge lead in the polls. An unfortunate incident occurs one night at a bar and it’s caught on video and goes viral. Making matters worse, though David seems to find fulfillment and acceptance from his career as a politician, his path seems to be taking him closer to Elise. He begins missing important meetings and speaking engagements, causing his handlers to grow increasingly concerned. John Slattery and Anthony Mackie head up the mysterious team of fedora-donning agents entrusted to keep David on the straight and narrow. Terence Stamp (Superman II) was chilling as the relentless veteran agent Thompson who will stop at nothing to keep David on his chosen path. The film takes some wild and gripping twists and turns, including some scenic chase scenes which must have made the New York Visitors Bureau proud. All of the action is overseen by the “Chairman” who keeps an omnipotent eye on most everyone by means of his agents. While the theme of the movie was obvious—the fact that we are not alone and there is indeed someone looking out for us—Matt Damon brought an authenticity to his role which reminded me of the incredible Bourne series, with fast-paced action and even some tolerable romance. Either way it keeps you wanting more.

Wed 3/16

Eilen Jewell Chat Room Pub – Fort Worth Jewell and her band have been creating a big following in Europe for her roots music which blends many seminal traditions—folk, rock, blues—with a focus that is her own.

Thur 3/17

“Music Snob”

Fri 3/18

Ultimate Friday Night Party Gables Park 17 – Dallas Part of the 7th Annual Savor Dallas Wine and Food Festival, this is the right destination after the 5-7pm wine stroll. Go to savordallas.com for tickets—the couple’s discount is worth it.

Sat 3/19

Sun 3/20

fort, but for us long-timers, there’s something wonderfully stream-of-consciousness about the song that brings a smile to your face. None of it makes any sense, but the punk sensibility, sheer adrenalin, and Peaches’ participation (both in singing along to the chorus and a spoken refrain) will have you jumping up and down as you listen and saying to strangers: “Hey, hey alligator, you’ve got a lot to learn.” Producer Jacknife Lee (of Snow Patrol fame) keeps everything tight and concise, making sure the album is punchy and precise. There are fair shares of missteps, including “Oh My Heart,” and “Walk It Back,” both of which feel contrived and mundane in comparison to the other tunes. “Blue,” the album closer, is a near sixminute, largely spoken-word manifesto of sorts from Stipe that closely resembles New Adventures in Hi-Fi’s “E-Bow the Letter.” Tense and disjointed simultaneously, the song is still a fitting ending to this remarkable comeback album by R.E.M. Whereas before I was quick to paraphrase Michael Stipe by saying in regard to the most recent R.E.M. output, “Jefferson, we’re lost,” I now have renewed faith that R.E.M. still has interesting sonic waters to tread, and that we have not seen the last of this collective that has shaped many of our lives.

International Grand Tasting Sheraton Dallas Hotel – Dallas A three-hour extravaganza to conclude the Savor Dallas Festival with over 60 chefs offering samples of their food and over 400 wines. Advance tickets at savordallas.com.

Brofest Club Dada – Dallas Parade of Flesh is presenting its annual festival of indie rock with over 20 bands appearing on indoor and outdoor stages. Continuous from 10:30 a.m. outdoors and from 1 p.m. indoors.

Mon 3/21

I’ve been a longtime fan of R.E.M., but rated, in my opinion. Yet this is not a rehash somewhere after Monster and New Adven- of the songs that made them international tures in Hi-Fi, I lost crucial interest. Part of stars; rather, it is a reinvention of their disthat could have been the mind-numbing un- tinctive sound and a removal of the musical originality of Up and Reveal, or I just had shackles apparently fettering the band over enough good R.E.M. the last several years. in my musical canon Many of the songs, to ward off the bad like the opener, “DisR.E.M. that appeared coverer,” are instant in the latter half of the classics, while others 90s. Another distracare like the gorgeous tion was that suddenly “Uberlin,” which MUSIC: R.E.M. I could actually undersneakily grows more 1. Discoverer Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. stand what Michael appealing when re2. All the Best Stipe was saying after peated, snaking into Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. his mumbled, gnothe cortex and em3. Uberlin Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. mic phrasing over the bedding itself into the 4. Oh My Heart years, and thus a part musical filing cabinet Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. of the mystique was in the brain where 5. It Happened Today gone. Collapse Into other great songs are Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. Now, the band’s 15th stashed. “It’s just 6. Every Day is Yours to Win Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. studio album, has delike me to overstay 7. Mine Smell like Honey manded that I listen my welcome,” Stipe Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. to it. For one thing, sings in “All the 8. Walk it Back Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. the set-up campaign Best,” a high-speed 9. That Someone is You is one of the best that tune that sounds like Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. R.E.M.’s label, Warner early “Radio Free 10. Blue Bros., has coordinated Europe”-era R.E.M. Collapse Into Now – R.E.M. in years for the band; crossed with Patti more importantly, Smith. “It Happened the music is some of Today” starts off in a the strongest Michael folk vein and sparse, Stipe, guitarist Peter eventually building Buck and bassist Mike until it explodes into Mills have made in gorgeous vocalizamore than a decade, tions from Stipe and since their last great Mills. It’s Beach album New Adventures in Hi-Fi. Boys-by-way-of-Athens, Ga. Plus, Pearl The new album is wonderfully retro in Jam’s Eddie Vedder shows up to support that it contains all the elements that drew his longtime friends. That homage to Brian me to R.E.M. so long ago, an almost sonic Wilson continues on “Every Day Is Yours mish-mash of their strongest songs from To Win,” an often sweet, lovely ballad held iconic albums such as Reckoning, Green together by a twinkly melodic riff and casand Life’s Rich Pageant. All of the niche cading harmonies at the very end. “Mine components are represented: mandolins, Smell like Honey,” opens with the ferocity sparse harmonies, and beautiful backing of “Rockville” then goes into a tune that’s vocals from Mills, whose singing contribu- driven and focused. The title alone makes tions to R.E.M. have always been under- “Alligator Aviator Autopilot” worth the ef-

Liz Phair Granada Theater – Dallas Since the release of Exile in Guyville 15 years ago—about to be re-released—Phair has won a loyal following with her frank lyrics and trench warfare with critics. See why.

Mo Rocca Eisemann Center – Richardson The droll cable channel commentator, presently hosting Food(ography) on the Cooking Channel will appear as part of the Arts and Letters Live series of the Dallas Museum of Art.

Tues 3/22

by Tennessee Chris

Mary Ellen Carroll Museum of Modern Art – Fort Worth Carroll’s free lecture is well worth the trip to Fort Worth. An architecture professor at Rice, Carroll is also a key figure in modern aesthetics doing original work in many fields. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

STARS News

by Tony Barone

“Senior Sports Authority”

Resilient

The Dallas Stars wrapped up an excellent tough enough to overcome. But now we just West Coast road trip to begin the week. wipe those things away and try to steal the They earned seven of eight points in the four momentum on the next shift.” games on the left coast and put themselves Against the Calgary Flames, the Stars in a much better spot in the playoff race. staged yet another comeback, but they They currently hold the fourth playoff spot couldn’t pull off a victory. They did, howout of the eight available. Incredibly there is ever, get an important point in the standings. only a two-point difference between the Stars’ 82-point total and ninth place in the Western Conference, which now belongs to the Nashville Predators with 80 points. Things can go bad as quickly as they turned favorable because the race is so tight, but the road trip and this current 6-11 run, with points in all eight games, have put them in a decent spot for now. The Stars are averaging 3.4 goals per game over the eight-game stretch. The offensive run has coincided with the Stars getting healthy at the forward position over the past couple of weeks. The Stars’ depth at forward, which had been gutted by injury, has been back to full strength, highlighted by The Stars rallied from a 3-0 deficit before the return of Brad Richards. After missing falling 4-3 in a shootout at the American the previous ten games with concussion-like Airlines Center. symptoms, Richards returned to the lineup “It’s a positive point given that we came against the Calgary Flames on March 9 and back from a three-goal deficit. It’s not very played 22:39, winning 10 of 18 face-offs. often that you do that,” said Stars coach “I felt better as the game went on,” Rich- Marc Crawford. “Can’t be disappointed ards said. “A little more than three weeks about it. Sure, we would have liked to have away the pace and everything didn’t feel as had two points but it was a good, hard comenormal, as comfortable. I tried to play smart back by our guys. They dug deep, as they and get into it a different way. You’re kind of have all year and at this point of the season on egg shells when you get hit. You’re not its get every point that you can get.” really sure. Never gone through it like that, Trevor Daley ignited a three-goal flurry but as the game went on and I had the puck, over a 1:31 span in the second period, Kari I realized I am not made of glass and I got Lehtonen made 14 saves for his 15th career more comfortable.” shutout, and the Stars continued their home Captain Brenden Morrow scored 38 dominance over the Minnesota Wild with a seconds into overtime, and the Stars rallied 4-0 victory. from a late deficit for a 4-3 victory over the “I wasn’t really thinking about (a shutLos Angeles Kings to end the road trip. out) that much anymore because it didn’t “It showed huge character for us to come seem like it was ever coming, but it was out and get those two points,” Morrow said nice,” Lehtonen said. “There was not much of the Stars’ three rallies from one-goal defi- going on there the whole game, so I need to cits. give a ton of credit to our “This group has been guys and how well they good about that all year. Upcoming Schedule: played.” Last year and in years 3/17 vs Blackhawks 7:30pm past, it was something 3/19 vs Flyers 7:00pm we wouldn’t be mentally

MAVS News

Crossword Solution

“NBA Analyst”

by Geoff Case

Part 2

Who is the Best in the West? This is the second part of the breakdown of the top of the Western Conference and who the Mavericks have to go through to get to the Finals. We’ve all been witnesses to the Mavericks’ dominance through the regular season only to see a first round flame-out. So the question is whether I’m willing to put my stamp of approval on this version of the Maverick team. Let’s take a peek at the rest of the field they’d have to go through to get to the Finals. Last week I broke down San Antonio and Oklahoma City in terms of a possible Mavericks advantage: San Antonio (Yes); Oklahoma City (Push).

“They’re the champs, so they are tough no matter who you have to guard,” Kidd said. “But, at the end of the day, you look at the position. I’m a point guard guarding a small forward who is really a power forward, so you know. I’ll guard anybody and so that’s the way I look at it. I got in foul trouble early, which didn’t help me offensively. We just

Los Angeles Lakers: The road to the Finals will most likely go through didn’t get out and run.” the Los Angeles Lakers at some point. The With Bynum healthy the Mavericks fiMavs have been stockpiling bigs this off- nally got to see the Lakers at full strength. season (Chandler, Mahinmi, Haywood) to The holes were glaring but not impossible to match L.A.’s size. However, in last Satur- cover up. I think the Mavericks would have day’s game it was clearly evident that the to play a nearly perfect series and get a few Lakers have the more talented bigs, particu- 40+ point nights from Nowitzki to upset the larly in Andrew Bynum. It was the first time defending champs but it could be done. I’m this season that the Mavericks were playing still picking the Lakers over the Mavericks good defense and still couldn’t manage to in a seven-game series. get stops in crunch time. “[We] just couldn’t get over the hump. I First round pot-hole? think we really lost the game at the begin- We’ve got the true contenders covered but ning of the fourth when Kobe wasn’t even since this article is covering the Mavericks in and we just couldn’t get any stops,” said we need to look at other first-round oppoDirk Nowitzki. “They kept pushing the lead nents (harsh, but true). What team would with him out of the game.” have the best chance at upsetting the Maver The Lakers just pounded Dallas with icks again in the first round? 56 points in the paint, 58.3 percent of their total output, and scored 20 of their 22 first- Memphis Grizzlies: They have beaten the quarter points from close range. The Mav- Mavericks in three out of four games this ericks current starting lineup has match-up season and have a few players that cause issues and the Lakers took full advantage all sorts of problems for the Mavs roster. of them. Beaubois’ wire frame (6 foot, 170 Mike Conley is a super quick and athletic pounds) can’t guard Kobe or Ron Artest for point guard and Jason Kidd hasn’t been able a multitude of reasons. “It’s tough. You obvi- to stay in front of him. He’s a young player ously don’t want to start him [Beaubois] on and will make mistakes but his speed makes Kobe,” said Nowitzki, who matched Marion him tough for the Mavs to stop. The bigwith a team-high 25 points. “But, if you start gest problem the Grizzlies present is Zach Roddy that’s what you have to do because Randolph who is one of those players who Roddy certainly can’t muscle with Artest. seems to have a gift for having big games So, you either go a little bigger and not start against Dallas. He’s a tenacious rebounder Roddy, or you start Roddy and J-Kidd has and low post scorer, and Dirk Nowitzki has to guard Artest. So, that’s the bind you’re real trouble stopping him. Making Dirk in.” Jason Kidd getting posted up by Ron guard Randolph is bad for two reasons. It Artest simply isn’t a good tires Nowitzki out having match-up for the Maverto bang bodies with the icks. Artest is too big and Upcoming Schedule: 260-lb monster and usuwas able to get Kidd in 3/16 @ Warriors 9:30pm ally leads to foul trouble. foul trouble early, and the 3/18 vs Spurs 7:30pm The Mavericks should Mavericks offense simply think long and hard about 6:30pm using their current game does not flow with him on 3/20 vs Warriors the bench. plan for Memphis.

NCAA: Utah St. vs. Kansas St.

Thur. Mar. 17 – 8:57PM – McKale Center – truTV It’s St. Patrick’s Day and you’ve already slacked off the whole day watching the games so why not watch the last game of the day? The Aggies of Utah State won the WAC tournament championship defeating Boise State. K-State is coming off a loss to Colorado in the Big 12 tournament. K-State had best be prepared for an energized Utah State squad.

NCAA: Oakland vs. Texas

Fri. Mar. 18 – 11:15AM – Bank of Oklahoma Center – CBS First off, Oakland’s nickname is the Golden Grizzlies. More importantly, the school is located in Rochester, Michigan. Use that as trivia bait as you start Friday off right with an early lunch to see the Golden Grizzlies take on the Longhorns. Texas has a pretty good defense but they had better start learning how to score or they’ll be out of the tournament before the Sweet Sixteen arrives.

NBA: Spurs vs. Mavericks

Fri. Mar. 18 – 7:30PM – American Airlines Center – FSSW The hated Spurs come to town and even though they are getting older they are still in first place. The Mavs have very little chance of catching up with the Spurs, so a win here is more for team morale than anything. The Mavs are 1-2 against the Spurs this season and this is their final match-up for the year, unless they meet up in the postseason.

NBA: Celtics vs. Knicks

Mon. Mar. 21 – 6:30PM – Madison Square Garden – NBA TV The Knicks have lost to the Celtics twice this season in close games. Now that the Knicks have Billups, Melo and Stoudemire they are expected to win. The Celtics have already clinched a playoff spot. If anything expect the Celtics to play loose. The two teams will meet one more time after this to close out the regular season.

STARS

MAVS

8 by Brian Beard

“Ultimate Fighter”

Shogun Rua (19-4-0) vs. Jon “Bones” Jones (12-1-0):

If you have been following the UFC for the past two years then you have seen Bones Jones beat the brakes off of everyone that he has fought. This guy is only 23 years old and is in my opinion the most exciting fighter in the world right now. He is very unorthodox and so well-rounded that it is ridiculous. He is fighting for the 205-lb World Title and his opponent is a living legend and the Champ, Mauricio “Shogun” Rua. This guy has beaten a list of who’s who in MMA including Lyoto Machida when he was thought to be almost unbeatable. His striking is downright brutal and his ground game is solid too. This is a tough one for me. Technically, Rua is the better striker, but Jones is very unorthodox and has beaten plenty of folks who are “better” strikers than he is. Jones has the better wrestling but Rua’s takedown defense is top notch. Man, I am going to go with Bones by TKO in the third after several takedowns and some brutal ground and pound! This kid is the truth!

Urijah “The California Kid” Faber (24-4-0) vs. Eddie Wineland (18-6-1):

While both of these fighters are making their UFC debut, they are no strangers to big time MMA. Both are near the top in the world in their weight class. The UFC just brought in the lower weight classes—thus you have the debut of these great fighters. If you’ve never watched the lower weight classes you are in for a treat. That is, unless you are a hillbilly who just wants to see blood and likes to yell at the fighters to stop humping anytime they are doing any ground fighting. Both of these guys are outstanding fighters. Wineland is a great wrestler but loves to stand and trade. I don’t see him having much success against Faber’s unorthodox striking style. Faber may have a butthole in his chin, but this cat is the real deal and the ladies love his little a$$. Not to mention he is a bad son of a b!tch! Faber by unanimous decision in a great fight! Unless you are inbred and don’t appreciate the sport.

Jim Miller (19-2-0) vs. Kamal “Price of Persia” Shalorus (7-0-2):

Holy Wow! What a great matchup here! Miller will definitely have the edge in the experience level here. He is very seasoned and an awesome submission fighter. Shalorus will be making his UFC debut, but if you have ever seen him fight, you are sure to be a fan! He is a top-level wrestler and could be the best wrestler in the UFC. I’m serious. If you don’t buy it, watch him. He can take his opponents down whenever he sees fit. Here’s the deal though… Don’t hold your breath for a takedown. This cat loves to stand and bang and is an extremely exciting and explosive fighter! His striking is evolving and is still not great, but he will trade with anyone and has the chin to hang in there (see his fight with Varner on YouTube). I call Kamal Shalorus by KO, round two. There is no way in hell this fight goes to the ground unless Shalorus wants it there. Boom.

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March Madness T

by Frank LaCosta

“March Madness Maniac”

Chances are you have picked up this fine publication at a sports bar and you’re taking in the games for March Madness. I’ve done a little research so that you can challenge your buds. Ask them a question and if they answer incorrectly make them drink! 1) When was the first March Madness? 1939 – It was created by the National Association of Basketball Coaches and was the brainchild of Kansas coach Phog Allen. 2) Which school has won the most March Madness/Men’s Division I basketball titles? UCLA – The Bruins have 11 Division 1 NCAA championships. They won it all in 1964, 1965, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1995. 3) What is the largest margin of victory in a championship game? 30 Points – In 1990 UNLV defeated Duke 103-73. 4) Which team won a national college basketball title, having been ranked #1 overall entering March Madness? Arkansas – Ranked No. 1 nationally for 10 weeks during the regular season in 1994, head coach Nolan Richardson’s club lost only twice during the regular campaign. 5) What team won the NCAA title in their first Final Four appearance in 1999? Connecticut – UConn had never made it to the Final Four until 1999, when they defeated Duke 77-74 for the title.

6) Who are the Fab Five? The Fab Five are Chris Webber, Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose, Jimmy King and Ray Jackson. They were notable for having gone to the NCAA Championship Game in 1992 and 1993 as freshmen and sophomores, wearing black socks and baggy gym shorts. 7) What nickname was given to Michigan State players Morris Peterson, Mateen Cleaves and Charlie Bell? Flintstones – They were given this moniker because all three are from Flint, Michigan. 8) Can you name the only team to decline an invitation to the Big Dance after finishing the regular season undefeated? Kentucky – In 1954 they posted a perfect 25-0 record in regular season play. However, on the team were four players who had graduated at the conclusion of the previous academic year. When the NCAA ruled those players ineligible for postseason play, Coach Rupp decided to skip the 1954 NCAA and NIT Tournaments in protest. 9) What team did Kansas beat in the 1988 Final Four title game? Oklahoma – The victory gave Kansas Head Coach Larry Brown his only NCAA title. 10) In 1997, #2 seed South Carolina fell to what #15 seed? Coppin State – The Coppin State Eagles became the third #15 seed to win a game in the NCAA tournament.

10 by Raymond Bloomquist

Vigilantes News

LOOK TO TAME TALONS Despite some close calls near the end of the game, the Dallas Vigilantes found a way to hang on and notch their first victory in the Clint Dolezel era last Saturday with a 53-46 win over the Kansas City Command at the American Airlines Center. This weekend the Vigilantes look to go to 2-0 when they continue their season-opening home stand against division rival Tulsa in the first of the teams’ two match-ups this season. Kickoff on Saturday is slated for 12 noon. While starting the season undefeated is the goal of every team and Dolezel was happy with the victory, he acknowledged that his squad did not play to its full potential, especially in the fourth quarter. “We played good ball for three quarters,” Dolezel said. “In the last quarter, we didn’t play well on defense or offense. It’s Arena Football – I don’t care how big the lead is, it’s never over. We still have a lot of work to do, and we haven’t peaked yet, but that’s okay. You certainly don’t want to be peaking this early.” The Vigilantes offense began the game firing on all cylinders, with fullback Derrick Ross breaking off a long 37-yard touchdown run for the game’s first score. Ross ended

“Arena Football Fanatic”

up with four rushing touchdowns and 66 yards on 15 carries. Dallas quarterback Dan Raudabaugh, starting only his second career game, also had a nice showing, tossing a pair of touchdown passes and completing 21-of34 passes for 250 yards. “Nothing was really going through my mind out there,” said Ross, a rookie free agent acquisition. “All I saw were the holes out there, and I did my best to run through them with a full head of steam. The offensive line played great.” The Vigilantes, who trailed only once in the game, eventually jumped out to a 23-14 halftime lead before expanding to their largest lead of the game at 46-27 in the second half. A late interception by Kansas City and a meaningless score on the final play of the game allowed the Command to get closer, but never really threaten to make the season opener a disappointing one for Dallas. Next up for the Vigilantes is another home date with yet another Central Division rival. The Talons enter the match-up looking to contain the AFL’s number one rushing attack and to avenge their week one loss to the Georgia Force. Expect a heated battle with plenty of energy in this match-up. The two teams met in Dallas back on March 2 for a preseason scrimmage, where tempers flared and hostilities grew. But under the lights on Saturday afternoon, both will be playing for more than just pride. A Dallas win will secure a 2-0 overall record and an early-season grasp on the top of the Central Division standings. A win for the Vigilantes will also give the team its first-ever two-game winning streak and position the team well heading into its first bye week of the season.

by Mark Miller The Dallasite from the North

Attention bracketologists, all of you who follow college basketball the entire season or just during March Madness. It’s time to print out your sheet and determine the winners of the 67 games of the 2011 National Collegiate Athletic Association men’s basketball championships. After one of the most anticipated days of the year determined the 68-team field, it’s time for The Blitz Weekly to help you make your way through one of the toughest tournaments in history. No. 1 seeds Ohio State was deemed the best overall team by the selection committee and placed atop the East region. Kansas was rated No. 1 in the Southwest, Pittsburgh in the Southeast and Duke in the West. Under the current system, no No. 1 has lost to a No. 16. Only twice have all four top seeds made the Final Four. Don’t look for those trends to change this year. Pittsburgh, one of a record 11 teams from the Big East, seems the most vulnerable top seed. While the Panthers won the league regular season, they are the only top seed not to win their conference tournament. Look for Pittsburgh to lose in the Sweet 16. The East seems to be the strongest regional tournament which means the toughest road for Ohio State, among a surprisinglylarge seven Big Ten teams. North Carolina, Syracuse, Kentucky and Washington all enter the tournament hot which means the Buckeyes will have a hard time getting to Houston. Kansas may have the easiest road. The other top teams in the region are Notre Dame, Purdue and Louisville so look for the Jayhawks to win in San Antonio. That leaves defending champion Duke. Teams like Texas and San Diego State are in their way but the biggest obstacle could be No. 3 Connecticut which won five games in five nights to win the Big East tournament.

Big 12 Conference/Texas team Besides Kansas, the Big 12 Conference w be represented by Texas, Kansas State a Texas A&M. The other Texas representat is Texas-San Antonio which plays Alabam State on Wednesday for the chance to against Ohio State. While some thought Texas should be No. 2 seed, the Longhorns may benefit fro being No. 4. Their run to the Big 12 t game might have helped rekindle their co fidence. Winning eight of the last nine games a should benefit Kansas State which fell o game short of the 2010 Final Four. Texas A&M faces a tough road with opening game against Florida State and likely contest against Notre Dame if initia successful.

Surprise teams/dark horses Every year, at least a few double-digit see advance to the Sweet 16 and this ye should be no exception. Teams that could fit that description t year include No. 13s Oakland and B mont, No. 12s Richmond, Utah State a Memphis and No. 10s Florida State, Ge gia, Penn State and Michigan State.

Final Four predictions Look for Ohio State and Kansas to be pla ing at Houston’s Reliant Stadium on April Connecticut has won two titles, made a other Final Four and an Elite 8 as the N 3 seed in the West and it says here the H kies will do it again. In the Southeast, Ka sas State is the pick. This would mean Ohio State would pl Connecticut in one national semifinal gam with Kansas meeting Kansas State in t other. I’m picking Connecticut and Kans to meet for the championship with the Ja hawks cutting down the nets in the end.

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13 game, but then came the NBA lockout. He never got back on track and bounced around on four other teams. His current claim to fame is appearing in the 1996 video “Say If You Feel Alright” by Crystal Waters.

5) Lionel Simmons – The “L-Train”

by Jim Hanigan “Basketball Enthusiast”

1) Ed O’Bannon – “Ed-O” as he was affectionately

called at UCLA led the Bruins to a championship in 1995 and was named the Most Outstanding Player of the tournament that year. O’Bannon was selected by the New Jersey Nets with the ninth overall pick. He played for two years before playing seven years professionally in five different countries.

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2) Christian Laettner – Granted he did play in the NBA for 13 years, Laettner was a member of the 1992 “Dream Team” that took home Olympic Gold, an All-Star in 1997 and starred on the Duke team which won titles in 1991 and 1992. He makes this list for failing to live up to the hype as the number three overall pick.

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3) Pervis Ellison – The man known as “Never

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Nervous Pervis” played for Louisville and led them to a championship his freshman year. Ellison was the first overall pick in the 1989 draft by the Sacramento Kings. Injuries plagued his career. Teammate Danny Ainge summed it up best when he bestowed a new nickname on Ellison, calling him “Out of Service Pervis.”

4) Calbert Cheaney – The Hoosier great led Indiana to a Final Four appearance in 1992. He was selected sixth overall in the 1993 draft by the Washington Bullets. He did well his first three seasons, averaging 15 points per

was selected seventh overall by the Sacramento Kings in 1990 (see any trends?). He holds a few NCAA records and is third in all-time career points with 3,217 while at La Salle. He was runner-up for Rookie of the Year. He averaged 15 points per game his first four years in the league. Injuries shortened his career and by 1997 he was out of the NBA.

6) Juan Dixon – The

Maryland Terrapin led the team to their first national championship in 2002. He also earned Most Outstanding Player honors at the Final Four that year. Selected seventeenth overall in the 2002 NBA Draft by the Washington Wizards, Dixon rewarded the team by averaging eight points per game. By 2009 Dixon found himself playing in Greece and by 2010 in Spain. He was suspended indefinitely by the FIBA after testing positive for steroids in February of 2010.

7) Billy Owens – The small forward/shooting guard from Syracuse University was touted as the second best prep player behind Alonzo Mourning back in 1988. He was drafted third overall by the Sacramento Kings in 1991 (the Kings must have bad luck!). Owens was a holdout at the start of the regular season, forcing a trade. He got his wish and ended up with Golden State. From there he played

ten seasons in the NBA on six different teams before calling it quits in 2001.

8) J.R. Reid – The North Carolina Tar Heel great led

the team to an 88-15 record in his three seasons there. He was a three-time All-ACC performer and a first-team AllAmerican. Reid was selected as the fifth overall pick in the 1989 NBA Draft by the Charlotte Hornets. He ended up playing on seven teams throughout his career and is the consummate journeyman. He might be remembered best for the signs that taunted him in college with “J.R. Can’t Reid.”

9) Adam Morrison – Known

for his ’stache while at Gonzaga the former Bulldog was on the cover of Sports Illustrated twice during his college career. When his team lost in the NCAA Tournament in 2006 to UCLA he left a lasting impression by crying on the court. Morrison was drafted by the Charlotte Bobcats with the third overall pick that year. He did win a pair of NBA championship rings while sitting on the bench for the LA Lakers in 2009 and 2010. The ’stache is now only a distant memory.

10) Danny Ferry – The Duke Blue Devil holds the school’s all-time single game scoring record with 58 points against the Hurricanes. He also led the Blue Devils to the Final Four in 1986, 1988 and 1989. He is among the great at Duke. The Clippers drafted him second overall in the 1989 draft. Ferry didn’t want to be a part of the franchise and accepted an offer to play in Italy. After playing there the Clippers traded his rights to the Cavaliers. Ferry played there for 10 seasons before signing with the Spurs and getting a ring in 2003. Again Ferry wasn’t horrible in the NBA but he never lived up to the hype.

by Bob Allen

The only place where the Irish influenced the consumption of alcohol or helped propagate the myth of Irish overconsumption is in the U. S. of A. Granted, the Irish celebrate St. Paddy’s Day with parades, overzealous drinking, and even green beer. But where is the largest St. Paddy’s Day Parade, who actually dies a river green, and who first served green beer? Yep; New York, Chicago, and Anywhere, U.S.A., in that order. Ireland does celebrate with green beer but it took an American marketing genius to come up with the idea of putting green food coloring in a perfectly good brew. Oh yeah, they don’t throw beads in Ireland either. The two largest of the four active Irish whiskey distilleries are now owned by big liquor conglomerates, so the history of whiskey distilling in Ireland is mostly irrelevant when you’re sampling a few at your local pub. As for the difference between the two major brands, Jameson and Bushmills—there’s not much now. Jameson seems a little bolder, but the original difference is that one was Protestant and the other was Catholic. (The important word is “was.”) The three major distilleries produce several whiskeys for an independent company to its specifications. So when you see “Straight Irish Whiskey,” Single Malt Irish,” “Blended Irish Whiskey,” and the list goes on, they all came from one of three distilleries. For example the Knappogue Castle 16 Twinwood (Knappogue usually uses Cooley Distillery) was produced by Bushmills almost exclusively for the American market. The whiskey is aged fifteen years, nine months in bourbon barrels, then finished in ex-sherry barrels. Only 1,900 bottles were produced, with a limited number for Irish distribution and a selling price of around $100.00. (I said three distilleries as Kilbeggan Distillery only began production in 2007, and since Irish whiskey must be aged at least three years, are just now releasing their own product.) There are some other really fine aged Irish whiskeys available at reasonable prices and I suggest you try drink-

“Spirits and Such”

ing them from a snifter (to enjoy a different type of bouquet) or just with a couple of ice cubes. As for that wonderfully soul-warming Irish Coffee, I have said for years the original Irish Coffee was made with Irish Mist and I have finally found a source that agrees. It is generally accepted that the drink was invented in the early 1940s (although I have heard it was served in San Francisco to the Irish railroad workers as early as the late 1800s) by Joe Sheridan of Foyne’s Restaurant in either County Clare or County Limerick (see, they don’t even know which county the place was in). He used Irish Mist, coffee and floated heavy cream on top (true farm-fresh heavy cream will float without being whipped and has a natural sweet taste). No sugar was needed due to the sweet flavor of the Irish Mist. The story goes that sometime later Joe was working at the airport in Shannon when a group of people landed on a cold, wet night (go figure; Ireland, cold and wet) on a Pan Am flight from the U.S. Joe served them coffee with whiskey and cream on top. He was asked if he served Brazilian coffee and he replied it was Irish Coffee. Great story and as with all history about alcohol, believe what you like. Many places in the U.S. make their “Famous” or “World’s Best” version of Irish Coffee. Jim Slaughter says he learned how in Madrid and uses espresso. In this country we cannot get farm-fresh heavy cream as found in Ireland (which I was able to enjoy on my Irish Coffee in England, thank you USDA). Thursday is the official St. Patrick’s Day, so head out to your favorite watering hole and drink up that green beer. Remember, drive responsibly every night but especially when there are so many amateur drinkers out there trying to enjoy a bit o’ the Irish. Bob Allen is a 30-year veteran of the Bar Industry, spending 22 years at the West End Pub. Find more information on him and his Pub at westendpubdallas.net

THE JETT STREAM… GENNIFER FLOWERS: Part Two

Claims examiner Dear BLITZbudsman:

I work in the claims department of a major insurance company and I’m about to get into major trouble with the woman who is over all of us in my section. Agnes (not her name) is single and easy to talk to as long as you’ve got something to say. I’ve never talked to her about anything that wasn’t related to work except once during the public option controversy. I was afraid we might come down on different sides of that issue so I made up some excuse to abort our conversation. Oddly, the meeting that changed everything happened by the Xerox machine—in a mini-mailroom that is often quite busy. I was behind her waiting to use the machine when she knocked the little box of paperclips she’d brought with her onto the floor and bent to retrieve it. When she bent over her jersey pulled up out of her slacks and exposed the tattoo of a spread-eagled monster which on closer inspection was calligraphy formed by long vertical lines. The characters spelled out: “Honi soit qui mal y pense.” I recognized the motto of the Order of the Garter—loosely translated, “Ashamed be he who thinks ill of this (or ‘this place’).” The “this” in question was the place where the arrow of the birdlike creature’s body was pointing, down into her crack. I kept the discovery to myself but ever since I made it I haven’t been able to get any work done. I go crazy with desire whenever she goes by. I have no doubt that the secretaries have noticed her effect on me by this time. I’ve looked for chances to be alone with her again—so far with no success. She’s not avoiding me, it’s rare that the Xerox room isn’t full of people from the bullpen. And Agnes would have no reason to chat me up unless my work were unsatisfactory. I would never let that happen. If I leave for some reason I would need her for a reference. Which makes all of it even stickier. Much as I’d like to have a go, there’s danger if she tires of me later. What should I do? – Thinking the worst

Dear Thinking: Part of your problem is being British, as I deduce from your use of un-American expressions like “chat me up,” “have a go” and “the Order of the Garter.” Of course this interesting woman will reject you if you hit on her. She’ll think it’s good form—you’re British! Still, you might well ask yourself if you’re good enough for her. Do you suppose for a moment she wasn’t aware that her jersey was sliding up and exposing the inscription by which, henceforth, she wanted her hindparts to be known? Has it not yet occurred to you that she may have had the tattoo applied for your eyes only? Who but you among the clones where you work understands medieval French? We know by comparing war dead that you Brits aren’t cowards, so why let yourself be seen that way? Think! Is she telling you to be ashamed of the evil you attribute to her apparatus or of your evil intentions in regard to it? You presume the latter but a French salope might well be telling you, “I might be better than you think.” Forget discussing claims with her and start conversing in French. No French girl worth her salt will care if your French is correct as long as you’re willing to stand, corrected. Kapish? There may still be time before you get a pink slip to confess all the ways you’ve dreamed of “rogering” her ever since you got her message, including upside down and sideways. Also, you might consider spending some time and money accustoming yourself to the appearance of women’s “naughty bits” and the various things even a British man might be able to do with them. Please don’t be discouraged if they’re bejeweled or sporting rivets. Honi soit qui mal y pense! Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com

by Jack E. Jett

“Jett Streams”

Gennifer Flowers is so Southern that she’s probably related to herself. A cabaret singer, a comedienne as well as a former gal-pal of former President Bill Clinton–she’s one of our favorite Flowers here on the Jack E. Jett show. Are you in Vegas now? No, I’m in New Orleans. I’ve been here now for about eight months. The reviews of your cabaret act were very, very positive… So do you stay busy? Or has the bad economy hit the club-lounge circuit as well. I’ve managed to work pretty steadily. I have a big following. So when the owners see the cash register ring, they usually call you back. When people come to see a Gennifer Flowers show do they get to meet Gennifer Flowers? Yes, of course. That’s part of the fun for me. What does that following consist of? I assume you draw folks for the news value, for the novelty value, for the artistic value and so forth. All of the above. It depends on the venue. In my club I had people tell me that they came in out of curiosity. It was the Kelsto Club? Yes. And now I’m working in two showrooms here in New Orleans. One is in a suburban area, so they know who I am. They know what I do. And [where] I work in a club in the French Quarter I get a lot of tourists. What is it like for you… There was a key moment in that film with Ryan Reynolds [Definitely, Maybe, 2008]. Then Richard Bey [resurfaced] in the Brüno film [2009], in the segment that was filmed in Dallas. So I assume that the past for you never really disappears. The reality is that that is going to be part of my life forever and for my heirs after that. Now, with my show… I certainly don’t spend my show talking about Bill Clinton. But I’ll get into the show and then I’ll do a little ditty about something to do with Bill. Like I have a joke about Monica Lewinsky. You know, I say “I ran into Monica, and I said, ‘Hey, Monica, how ya doin’? How are things for you?’ And she said, ‘Well, I’m doin’ fine, but I have to tell you, Gennifer, I just changed political parties.’ And I said, ‘Wow, that’s a big deal. You’re telling me you went from Democrat to Republican?’ And she said, ‘Yes, I did.’ And I said, ‘Why would you do that?’ And she said, ‘Well, those Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth.’” Oh-h-h-h. You also… Don’t you write a column? I do write an advice column. Well, have you gotten any letters recently from a Senator from Las Vegas? (she laughs) About boffing his best friend’s wife?… Or maybe one from South Carolina about a confused Governor who can’t distinguish between the Appalachian Trail and someplace in South America? No, I actually haven’t heard from them. Perhaps they should have asked some advice before they got into it. But when men are thinking with the wrong head that’s exactly what happens. Last time we spoke I was confused by the infamous audio tapes. How much were you paid and by which group and where are they now? (laughs) I wasn’t paid anything for the tapes. But you were auctioning them off last year, though, weren’t you? Oh, I thought you meant to make the tapes. No, no, no. I seem to recall some news about you auctioning them off. We did not sell them during that particular auction, but then later… later on a buyer came forward. Who bought them? Well all of this is confidential information. I will tell you it’s someone from Dallas, Texas. George W? Is he putting them in the library? I bet you that’s it. Gennifer, stop playing with us. I signed an agreement that I wouldn’t tell. Your website is genniferflowers.com. You have your book, Passion and Betrayal. You have a CD and music and photos there… it’s a great website. Thanks for joining us. – Jett Streams, Wed. and Fri. 5-6 p.m. rationalbroadcasting.com

by Dennis Hambright

I know it’s just an actor playing a role on TV, but men everywhere should stand up and applaud every time they see “The Most Interesting Man in the World” commercial on TV. Finally, a guy who portrays what real men used to be like, and what men should aspire to be like today. Look at this guy, with his wrinkled, weathered skin, sporting a beard and an unruly mop of gray hair, and instead of running for a styling brush and tubes of moisturizer and hiding as if he’s ashamed of aging the way a real man should, he wears it all like honorable badges of experience from a life well-lived. He’s got a covey of beautiful women huddled around him, and they don’t look like they’re just there to see how much money he’s going to spend on them, but because he’s actually doing something exciting or has interesting things to say. He’s probably regaling them with stories about exotic places he’s been and adventures he’s had and intriguing people he’s met, or even about good books he’s read or great art he’s seen. He’s a real Renaissance Man, sharing things about actually living life and enjoying all the wonders and pleasures that are out there for the taking. I bet he’s never whipped out his cell phone and bragged about all the apps he’s downloaded, or boasted about all the bad guys he zapped on some insidious video game while he sat around in his undies and got orangestained fingers from digging around in a bag of Cheetos. I’m sick and tired of picking up magazines and seeing how modern male figures are generally characterized these days. It’s usually some hairless metro-sexual crea-

dennishambright.com

Recession 101:

ture who oozes sensitivity while he nibbles biscotti and sips cappuccino and discusses the nature or nurture role of gender identity. It’s embarrassing, and not one of them looks like he’s got the cajones to have any real opinions of his own, and even if he did, he’d be afraid to say them out loud for fear of insulting some über-sensitive eavesdropper from the political correctness brigade. And if it’s not those gelded wonders, then it’s the wannabe bad boys who wear their pants hanging off their a$$es and take great pride in being referred to as someone’s “baby’s daddy,” and think being abusive to women is a viable vocation in life. I look at “The Most Interesting Man In The World” character and think that’s the kind of man who’s never going to wake up one of these days and think, Damn, it’s too late; would’ve…could’ve… should’ve. That’s the kind of real man who doesn’t just gnaw on the rich meat of life, but sucks every last bit of marrow out of the bone, just to make sure he’s getting all it’s worth. Guys, it’s time to be real men again. Get out of the house, stop being so worried about what other people think, and devour life like a ravenous grizzly bear at a bunny rabbit ranch. Get out there and rip into life and make some rocking-chair memories of your own, and when those Golden Years creep up… and they eventually creep up on all of us, then you can proudly look in the mirror and say to yourself, Damn, I really am a pretty interesting man! I promise, living a life where you ultimately impress yourself will be a lot more impressive to others than just living a life you think somebody else wanted you to live.

It’s a Test, not a

Final Exam

Money. It’s a big part of your life and it will haunt you whether you have a little or a lot. In fact, it can even put you out on the couch from time to time since finances are the most common issue that couples report fighting about. Money, especially a lack of it, can also be a great source of pain and unhappiness, especially in a society that regards happiness as a materialistic pursuit. And who can blame us? Have you ever seen someone frowning on a jet ski? Still, happiness that you can tap into from within is something that can be available to you at any time. Unlike a sports car or a penthouse, this enduring state of mind doesn’t have to be pursued but can be a gift that can be accessed anywhere and anytime. Even with all the suffering and chaos in the world, if you completely embrace you and the world by accepting it as it is, that is the most fulfilling kind of wealth you can have. The problem with chasing happiness through materialism is that ultimately it’s a fool’s pursuit. Of course, the common argument is that people who believe money can’t buy happiness just don’t know where to shop. And while there may be some truth to that, since we all have experienced the joy a prized purchase can bring, the problem is that the feeling is not sustainable. Buying things

by Jesse Whitman

“A Woman’s Perspective”

can be exhilarating but unlike our own authentic hearts, it is a fleeting feeling that will soon wear off. And then when it wears off we need to have that feeling again, but still, it’s never quite enough. Then no amount of money is ever enough and if we’re not careful we can become slaves to it. In European folktales, the dragon protects and guards its huge pile of gold and treasure but he can never enjoy its riches. He can only spend every second of his life making sure it’s protected, even though he can never use it for his own good. Thus he is trapped in a prison of his own making. In a sense, the ring in “Lord of the Rings” turns people insane because they become obsessed with power and money, even though they can never enjoy such status but only be trapped by the constant pursuit of it. Perhaps this can explain the aggressive exploitations by billionaires who become even more ruthless and mercenary the more money they acquire. Regardless of where you find yourself in the evolution of the money tree, and subsequently the happiness one, the current recession will not be a test of the strength of your bank account but one of your spirit. And perhaps when you can let go of that nagging pursuit of materialism, your heart can open up to what you truly desire, which is a life that is always recession-proof.

Custom Beer Pong Table

You don’t have to be a college-age drunkard to enjoy a spirited game of beer pong, but the required furniture tends to expose the game’s juvenile roots. Until now. The Custom Beer Pong Table takes the tailgating favorite and moves it into lounge territory, with a seamless poplar wood exterior, red plexiglass triangles lit from underneath by LEDs, detachable rear panels for easy maintenance, and a great-looking curved body that’s more at home in a swanky home bar than in a frat house basement. (Price - $750)

Fuego Element Portable Grill

We’ve loved Fuego’s prior grills, but they all had one problem: they were stationary. The Fuego Element Portable Grill overcomes this limitation by using a totable body that features built-in legs that fold up to become handles, a red travel band to hold everything together when you’re on the move, and an adjustable canvas shoulder strap for handsfree lugging. It’s got a castiron grill grate, push-button ignition, an 8,000 BTU stainless steel burner, nearly 160 square inches of cooking area, and a dishwashersafe tray to catch runoff, all inside a museum-quality design. (Price - $150)

Killzone 3

Satisfy your hunger for FPS action on your PS3 with Killzone 3. Apart from offering the usual trappings — like a lengthy campaign mode with intense action, plot-driving cutscenes, a new melee system, and increased vehicle gameplay, as well as a killer multiplayer mode — Killzone 3 also offers full 3D and Playstation Move support, letting you literally feel like you’re in the game while you pace around the living room with a plastic gun. (Price - $60)

by Brad LaCour

I hit a dog while driving a couple of nights ago, and it got me to thinking about how pets are commonly treated like children. I’m guilty of the same thing I suppose— after all, I didn’t brake when I saw the dog. Even worse than a shoddy alignment caused by a dog is the fact that these animal owners claim they love their pets as much as children. I don’t like this sentiment. I have a child and I had a dog, and I can name multiple differences between the two. I could name at least four... maybe three. This rationale from people aggravates me because it undermines the responsibilities I have as a parent. For instance, if I drop a dog off at a fire station they have a new companion to improve morale. If I drop a child off at a fire station, I have to go home and explain to the girl I’m dating what happened to her baby. She won’t be impressed I found a sitter so we could have one peaceful Saturday night. I’m not asking for a medal for my problemsolving skills, but I would like you to stop screaming about whatever its name was. The baby’s in the past, our dinner date at Applebee’s is the future.

“Rawest Cat in the Game”

Let’s stop focusing on my ex-girlfriend’s lost baby, though, and focus rather on my much cuter, smarter child. The love a father has for his son can’t be compared to that of a pet and an owner. That’s why I took four blood tests to prove I was his father— to show the world he was mine and I love him. I’d like to see a proud pet owner go through that much trouble to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the dog is his and then gladly pay the outstanding dog support he owes. (Once someone can find him.) Some people are lonely and they fill that void with something that will cuddle and pee on them. They’re replacing the love they would give a human with love for an animal that will never understand the concept. Just a thought, but maybe if these people stopped going out in public reeking of pet store and covered in cat hair, the love connections might be more than that one blind date their parents set them up on every year. I don’t hit the cologne section often, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able get a free sample of “Wet Dog” if I did. No one wants to smell like animals. Hell, animals don’t want to smell like animals—that’s why they like it when we test cosmetics on

them. I don’t see a problem with owning a dog or cat. I don’t even have a problem when you dress the stupid thing up in an ugly sweater and go get pictures made. I do, however, have a problem when you show me the picture and tell me it’s the holiday portrait of your child. I say we nip this trend in the bud before it gets worse, because the next logical steps of this are frightening. When you go home to visit your mother and you’re greeted by a Border Collie wearing glasses and drinking out of a World’s Greatest Dad mug, don’t come crying to me—you were warned. At that point all you can do is smile, pretend everything is normal, and take your new dad out for a walk because he’s scratching at the door.

Vineyard Steak House 1000 Texan Trail Suite 130 Grapevine, TX 76051 817-328-6111 www.vineyardsteakhouse.com About Vineyard The Vineyard Steakhouse is a casual elegant Texas steak house serving prime beef and a variety of seafood dishes and seasonal specialties as well as classic sides and house-made desserts. Executive Chef Israel Voirin is famous for big bold flavors and spins on the American classics. It appears The Vineyard kept the Italian décor of the previous restaurant, appropriately called Tuscany. There are nicely appointed private dining areas here and there; one room has a tinted glass window from Italy; statues are located throughout the premises. Upstairs is the Skybar which has a happy hour from 3pm to 7pm every day. Blitz readers can enjoy their favorite cocktail in the bar area and watch March Madness on the numerous TVs, or sit on the patio and enjoy some amazing views and live music Wednesday through Saturday. Menu Appetizers are abundant and include a Prime Beef Tartare and Fresh Texas Gulf Crab Cakes. The favorite on this visit was the Crispy Fried Calamari with Burnt Chili Sweet and Sour Sauce. It had perfect texture and was made with Wondra flour. If you are an oyster lover, you will flip out over the Oyster House portion of the menu. All oysters are flown in fresh daily and selections change daily also. The Mesquite Grilled Oysters with Fresh Garlic and Lemon were spot on! The Butcher Shop is the showcase of this menu. The Filet Mignon, available in three sizes, was cooked to perfection and tenderness. The featured steak of the night was an 18-ounce Prime Dry-Aged Bone-In New York Strip that was enough to satisfy two diners. There is also a Black Pepper Crusted Lamb Chop and a Pork Chop with Sweet Potato Fries if you so

by Tony Barone

choose. Steak accompaniments include Crab Oscar and a Béarnaise sauce. The steaks came with an above-average Baked Yukon Potato or Garlic Whipped Potatoes. But the star side attractions were the Truffle Cream Spinach and the Creamy Lobster Macaroni and Cheese. These two were as good as you can get at any steak house in DFW. The dessert menu was definitely Italian and featured a Crème Brûlé, four chocolate dishes, and an Italian Wedding Cake. The Brûlé was light and creamy and topped with frosted grapes. This was a perfect ending to a great dining experience. Service Our waiter Mike was a big hit at our table. After welcoming us, he inquired if we had any time limitations on this particular evening and also asked about food allergies. No one in our party could remember being asked these questions at a restaurant and we appreciated his consideration. We were then greeted with a glass of champagne which was very suitable as we began our meal with a toast for a member of our party celebrating a birthday. Mike was very knowledgeable about the menu items and answered all our questions regarding ingredients and preparations. He remained attentive throughout the meal and definitely earned his gratuity. While You Are There Be sure and save time to see the 9/11 Flight Crew Memorial which is located outside the restaurant. It is a tribute to the American Airlines pilots and crew who were the unsung heroes of September 11, 2001. The larger than life statue portrays two pilots, two flight attendants, and two eagles in flight and can be seen from planes landing and taking off from DFW International Airport. The flight numbers and crew members who lost their lives that fateful day are all listed on the memorial.

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a solar-powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark! Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? A: A computer only needs the information punched into it once. The Grill A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!” She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!” She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

ACROSS:

1. Kid 5. Slogan 10. Out of harm’s way 14. Operatic solo 15. Hawaiian greeting 16. Mistakes 17. Beggar 19. Ends a prayer 20. Consumed food 21. Honor fights 22. Angered 23. Reporter 25. Supplemented 27. One thousandth of an inch 28. Edifice 31. Full range 34. Vitality 35. Meadow 36. All excited 37. Variety show 38. Whip 39. Merriment 40. What we pay the government 41. Monetary unit of Denmark 42. Celebration 44. D 45. Article of faith

46. Subtle manipulation 50. Sexually aroused (slang) 52. Sarcasm 54. Twitch 55. Dwarf buffalo 56. A sporting competition 58. Bowl over 59. 1/16th of a pound 60. Killer whale 61. Party thrower 62. Aromatic compound 63. Noxious plant

DOWN:

1. Land of the Rising Sun 2. Give a speech 3. Muscle 4. An exclamation of suspicion 5. A small handbook 6. Bygone 7. Ring slowly 8. Synonym finder 9. Paddle 10. Charred 11. A burrowing animal with bony armor 12. Worry 13. Slave

18. Acknowledge 22. Indolent 24. Self-satisfied 26. Plunge 28. Chamfer 29. A gas found in some lights 30. Measuring device 31. Hook 32. Chills and fever 33. Grotesque 34. Irritating 37. Praise enthusiastically 38. Liberated 40. Small 41. Country in Africa 43. Renter 44. Supper 46. Physical energy or intensity 47. Cubic meter 48. Subsequently 49. Outer or exterior 50. Chop finely 51. Not tricked by 53. Peewee 56. Foot digit 57. Cut the grass

22 by Pat Moran

I love March. To me, there is no time of year better for sports. You have the NBA finally getting good. You have March Madness. You have Spring Training for MLB. You’ve got an end to the crappy doom and gloom weather of winter. It doesn’t get much better. This year is different though. We have the looming beast of the NFL labor talks hanging over our heads. It’s the first year that we are really feeling the true effect of the one and done style of college basketball, with no real national stars. Baseball’s flip back to a pitching-heavy league has lost a lot of fair-weather fans. To some, it’s enough to drive them away. For me, it’s mecca. It’s the precipice of my sports year. Football season is hard to beat, but it’s a two-day-a-week habit. March has you covered. You get whatever you want whenever you want it, pretty much. It turns a normal week into a call-insick-everyday sort of week. It’s the time of year when your favorite teams still exist in an air of hope and anticipation. They haven’t had the chance to destroy your livelihood yet and any sense

“Man on his Throne”

of loss seems so completely unfounded that you can brush off any doubt with a simple “it’s our year” and a few beers. Having spent my life as an ardent supporter of almost entirely terrible teams, I know how important this time of year is. It’s about the game and

it’s about the idea that you don’t just have to have a bottom line in order to enjoy the experience. For now, at least, it’s enough to crack open a beer and simply enjoy. That is, until half the starting rotation blows out their elbows in spring training, there are one too many upsets in the tournament and we find out we have no football. Then it will be enough to crack open the rest of the beer. We’re gonna need it.