Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

VOL. 3 - ISSUE 32

TOWN’S FOUR RESIDENTS COUNTED AFTER CENSUS SNAFU

BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Ten Metal Songs 5 Stars/Vigilantes News 6-7 Rangers News 8 COVER STORY: Mavericks Playoff Preview Spud Webb Interview 9 Eastern Conference Preview 10 Western Conference Teams 10 Mavs Begin Their Playoff Run 11 BLITZ BABE: Brittney 12 Deep Ellum Romance 14 The Jett Stream 14 Blitz Toys 15 Food Review: Copeland’s 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Can This Job Be Saved? 18 Last Call: Addictions 19 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Photography: Gregg Case Cover Design: Damien Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors, Matt Pearce CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Hannah Allen, Keith Allison, Gloria Levario, Ray Nata, Weatherman90 STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Raymond Bloomquist, Kris Boudreau, Fil Chapa, Andrew J. Hewett, Jack E. Jett, Jason Miller CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com

BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029

The Wyoming town of Lost Springs can finally count on the Census to get its population correct: four, not one. The Casper Star-Tribune reports that the Census Bureau somehow missed four other residents of the town when it counted only one person in 2000. The cause of that mistake wasn’t clear. Leda Price, who lives on the west side of the 1-block Main Street, jokes that officials must have counted only her side of town. The 2010 Census, however, got it right this time when it found and counted all four of Lost Springs’ residents. The newspaper reports that since the 2000 survey, two residents died but a newcomer moved in. The state highway department says it will change the town’s population on signs.

MAN USES FAKE LEG TO TAKE DOWN ARMED ROBBER

Police in the northern New Mexico city of Espanola say a man tried to get help at a hospital emergency room for a woman who had been dead as long as a day and a half. Officers say Jerry Maestas drove to the hospital Tuesday with the 33-year-old woman’s decomposing body propped up in the passenger seat. The 64-year-old Maestas asked hospital staff to come outside and help his sick friend. Police spokesman Jeremy Apodaca says the staff could tell by the smell that the woman had been dead for some time. KOB-TV reports that the woman may have been dead for 24 to 36 hours, and Maestas will face charges of failing to report a death. Efforts to reach Maestas at two phone numbers Tuesday night didn’t work.

Andrew J. Hewett

www.chewednews.com

GEORGE W. BOO-BOOS

Quotes from 43rd President of the United States (2001-2009), George W. Bush: (1) “You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” (2) “The legislature’s job is to write law. It’s the executive branch’s job to interpret law.” (3) “I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” (4) “I’ve coined new words, like misunderstanding and Hispanically.” (5) “I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn’t here.”

Mass. man uses fake leg to take down armed robber

A Massachusetts man who used his prosthetic leg to take down a robber says he didn’t have time to think, he just reacted. Stephen Cornell peered through the window of his neighborhood convenience store in Middleton on Wednesday and saw a man pointing a gun at the owner. He tells The Salem News he intended to tackle the thief when he left JC Grill & Pizza, but instead stuck out his artificial leg and tripped him. Cornell and owner Edson Andrade disarmed the thief and dragged him back into the store in a chokehold before calling police. The weapon was a pellet gun. The 55-year-old Cornell lost his leg at age 12. The suspect, 23-year-old Eric Homen, pleaded not guilty to charges including armed robbery.

A CHEAP DATE

Financially strapped males should date females suffering from pica, because… medically, pica causes sufferers to crave (and eat) such “foods” as dirt, paper, glue, clay, dry flour, raw potatoes, raw rice, laundry starch and ice cubes. And, FYI, Latin for pica is magpie, a bird known to eat virtually anything small enough.

TOO MANY XXX SHOWS?

On March 25, 2011, the Dayton Daily News reported Daniel DeVirgilio, of Beavercreek, Ohio, had mailed his monthly $80 payment to Time Warner Cable, only to have it returned. This amount was rejected because he had not paid his full bill…$16.4 million dollars. Time Warner later admitted to human error and accepted Mr. DeVirgilio’s original amount.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK “We just go out and do our thing.” – Mark Cuban

Photo Courtesy: Keith Allison

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HOLLYWOOD PROFILE Dallas International Film Festival

by Vivian Fullerlove

And the winner is….The 2011 Dallas International Film Festival! The annual event, helmed by Dallas Film Society Board Chair Michael Caine, DIFF Executive Director Tanya Foster and DIFF Artistic Director James Faust, filled the city with red carpets, star-studded soirées, living legends and Hollywood royalty. The festival opened with the presentation of Dallas Star Awards to the incomparable Ann-Margaret, prolific playwright Horton Foote, whose daughter Hallie Foote accepted the award posthumously on his behalf, and director/producer Steve James. That was just the beginning of ten days filled with fantastic films: features, documentaries and shorts on twelve different movie screens around the city. Another star of this year’s DIFF was undoubtedly the legendary Texas Theatre in Oak Cliff. The movie theatre served as the hiding place for Lee Harvey Oswald following the shooting of President John F. Kennedy; however, this past week, it brilliantly lit up the sky as it hosted screenings of several films by Dallas filmmakers including In the Land of Fireworks by The Creative Spin and director Joey Curry and Spilt Milk by Blake Calhoun. Soul Surfer, the true account of the shark attack on 13-year-old surfer Bethany Hamilton, was one of the featured Centerpiece screenings. Texas’ own Dennis Quaid graced the red carpet at Northpark AMC where he greeted media and fans alike. Other film highlights included Shawn Ku’s Beautiful Boy starring Mario Bello and Michael Sheen. The two play

“Entertainment’s Real Critic”

parents of an 18-year-old son who commits a mass shooting at his college before taking his own life. The film looks through their eyes as they struggle to find refuge from the public and media backlash, while overcoming their own sudden loss. But it was Jess + Moss that took the top prize at DIFF this year. The film about a young girl and boy who languish in a rural home and the farmlands nearby won the coveted Target Filmmaker Award. The awards ceremony was hosted by Dallas film critic turned filmmaker Gary Cogill. Peter Fonda did the honors of presenting the award, along with the check for $25,000, to director Clay Jeter, who was almost as excited about meeting Fonda as he was about the money! The night came to a close with filmmakers, fans, winners and nominees congregating at the Filmmaker Lounge on Main Street next to the Joule Hotel, where I experienced my festival highlight. No highbrow Hollywood event in Dallas would be complete without the man who made the city famous from Bangkok to Brazil: yes, Mr. Larry Hagman, affectionately known by millions of people around the world simply as J.R., who lit up the lounge upon his arrival. And I got to saddle up next to the man in the hat! With that, I finished my margarita and my festing for 2011, and eagerly look forward to the star-studded lineup of 2012! P.S. Michael C., if you’re reading this… I LOVE AL PACINO! Just a thought for next year…and cut!

by Fil Chapa - “One Film at a Time”

INSIDIOUS Directed by James Wan and written by Leigh Whannell, the co-creators of the blockbuster Saw series, Insidious is the story of a family just settling into their dream home when, in the midst of unpacking, they begin to experience strange occurrences that gradually unravel their seemingly ideal situation. Patrick Wilson (The A-Team) plays Josh, a hardworking yet detached husband who never seems to be available to help his wife Renai (Rose Byrne) with their parenting, much less unpacking duties. The couple have three young children and rarely see each other except early in the morning and late at night. While Renai goes about her daily routine she begins to notice bizarre disturbances that have her wondering whether her perfect home is really a perfect nightmare. An apparent routine accident leaves her son Dalton (Ty Simpkins) with a mysterious illness. Renai continues to experience shocking phenomena and she pleads with her husband to pack up and move soon after. At first Josh isn’t accommodating since he hasn’t witnessed most of the disturbances first hand, but he finally agrees, and they move into a new home with the help of Josh’s mom, Lorraine, played superbly by Barbara Hershey (Black Swan). Renai finds an unusually sympathetic ally in her mother-in-law. Soon after realizing the occurrences continue at their new home with just as much intensity, Lorraine hires old friend and Paranormal Investigator

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Elise to assist with their terrible dilemma. The paranormal assistants Specs played by Leigh Whannell and Tucker (Angus Sampson) brought some levity to the film with their constant bickering. The cheese factor rears its ugly head when inexplicably we see one of the “monsters” for an extended period of time sharpening his “fingers.” There is a fine line between fearing the unknown and facing the unknown and this bordered on comical. It didn’t ruin the film but brought it down a few notches. The characters in this film, with the stereotypical teary-eyed female and the doubting husband, were at least believable when it came to jolting around-the-corner scares. Refreshing also was the casting of Barbara Hershey (recalling the classic thriller The Entity). Wan and Whannell were smart to use the spookiness factor along with popular aspects of paranormal investigations, while leaving out most of the blood and carnage they usually lean on. With few exceptions (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) this usually waters down the fright factor. The unquestioned Master Alfred Hitchcock needed very little gore, as evidenced in his masterpiece Psycho. The famous shower scene, shot with over 70 different camera angles in short succession, was an instant classic. Insidious has all the requirements of a successful horror film: a beautiful helpless female victim, a disbelieving husband and most importantly, a spine-chilling sound track.

Wed 4/13

Alfred Hitchcock’s The 39 Steps McKinney Performing Arts Center Hitchcock’s famous film, adapted for the stage, is Broadway’s longest-running comedy-thriller, twice winning a Tony (among other awards). This can’t miss.

Thur 4/14

Emmitt-Nershi Band Granada Theater – Dallas Drew Emmitt and Bill Nershi have paid their dues on many stages and worked their way through many musical styles before joining forces and pioneering the Newgrass sound.

2. “We’re Not Gonna Take It” – Twisted Sister – I had no idea what “it” was, but I did know that there was absolutely no way I was going to take it either. I owned this on 45, which is now referred to as a 7-inch in the hipster world, and played the hell out of it.

7. “Rock of Ages” – Def Leppard – I have four words for you: “Gunter glieben glauchen globen” which roughly translates to “This song is f*#%ing awesome.”

3. “Metal Health (Bang Your Head)” – Quiet Riot – I had no idea what metal health was but the guy in the video was apparently going crazy from listening to it. I would later go crazy when trying to listen to the band’s follow-up record. 4. “Rock You Like A Hurricane” – Scorpions – A classic metal riff for all ages. The first time I saw the band “machine gunning” the crowd with their guitars, all in sync, I was hooked. 5. “The Number of the Beast” – Iron Maiden – As a young slightly nerdy kid obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons, this was the soundtrack to my role-playing pillaging and plundering. The images scared the sh!t out of me, and the music convinced my parents that I was the omen.

8. “Living After Midnight” – Judas Priest – Although I wasn’t really “living’” after midnight per se, I was staying up watching R-rated movies. 9. “Jump In the Fire” – Metallica – The original album was called Metal Up Your A$$ and I wore the T-shirt to school only to get detention and be forced to wear it inside out the entire day. 10. “Back In Black” – AC/DC – I used to play this on a portable cassette player on the playground in grade school—no joke. Nobody is going to mess with the 9-year-old rocking out to this classic. As I look back now, I was so far ahead of my time!

Sat 4/16

Local Bands Cancer Benefit Lakewood Bar and Grill – Dallas As you’ve read in these pages, Blackstone Rangers, The True Achiever, Gods of Industry, Mic City will be playing and cover charges go to the American Cancer Society.

Sun 4/17

“Music Enthusiast”

6.”Round and Round” – Ratt – How cool was this video?—random cameo by Milton Berle in both a tux & drag, a butler serving rodents for dinner, and some serious metal riffage. Arguably hair metal’s finest moment.

Lollie Bombs Spring Fling Pocket Sandwich Theatre – Dallas With their diverse activities onstage, based on classical vaudeville riffs but outrageous even by modern standards, the Lollies’ burlesque routines attract a diverse crowd.

Tan Dun’s Water Concerto Bass Performance Hall – Fort Worth Using a variety of water-based instruments, percussion virtuoso David Cossin will be creating sounds that take orchestral music to celestial heights. Don’t miss this.

Mon 4/18

by Jason Miller

1. “Lick It Up” – Kiss – No idea what they were talking about, or how atrocious they would end up looking without their makeup, but what a fantastic song to really open up your imagination at age 9.

Fri 4/15

Billie’s Blues Tucker’s Blues – Dallas Tucker’s Blues claims to be “Bringing The Blues Back Home” with blues diva Tamara Peterson singing Billie Holiday’s songs and telling her stories.

Tues 4/19

1984: The Apple Macintosh was introduced, the Olympics were in Sarajevo, crack was introduced into Los Angeles, and I turned ten years old. I am not sure what kids are listening to these days at such an impressionable time, but I would guess that it’s probably Radio Disney and Justin Bieber. Me? I was already a bona fide metal head. I of course didn’t have the option of downloading anything I wanted at any time and any place for free. I had to save my allowance for two weeks just to buy a $7.00 record. Back then the vinyl records were kept behind plexiglass for some reason. Imagine asking the clerk at Kmart on a busy Saturday afternoon if you could trouble him to grab the latest Cinderella record. With that being said, I thought it would be interesting to take a look at ten songs metal that I played on my turntable in 1984 that in some way or another shaped who I am today.

Leonard Bernstein (A Celebration) Meyerson Symphony Center – Dallas SMU’s Meadows Opera Theatre, Chorale, Concert Chorale and Symphony Orchestra will join forces for the first time performing a wide range of Bernstein’s works. If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com

STARS News

by Tony Barone

“Senior Sports Authority”

3rd Time No charm The Dallas Stars ended the 2010-2011 NHL season with 95 points. Most years that would be enough to land a spot in the postseason playoffs. But for the third straight year the Stars will be on the outside looking in as the result of a season-ending loss in the last game on the regular season schedule against the Minnesota Wild, a team they had beaten in their last six meetings. There is no doubt this team ended the season better than they started it. But, as in any other sport or business, it is all about results and missing the playoffs again will cost this financially strapped organization in more ways than one. Looking at the overall season, it was a year of ups and downs. The team spent most of the 2010 portion of the schedule on top of the Pacific Division. Then came a rash of injuries to key personnel and nine losses in February against only two regulation wins. Another subpar performance in March saw the Stars losing their last six contests of the month, and at that point the team was playing catchup for the remainder of the season, coming up two points short for the eighth and last playoff spot. Let’s take a quick look at a key NHL stat, plus/minus, as it pertains to the Stars’ season. Plus The Stars addressed some key personnel issues at the beginning of the year and for the most part they worked out. The decision to release Goalie Marty Turco in favor of Kari Lehtonen turned out to be a good choice overall. Lehtonen played 70 games in net and while his personal stats were not near the league’s best, the Stars found a respectable starting Goalie. The addition of twoway defenseman Alex Goligoski was definitely a positive move and one that should pay dividends. But the emergence of Left

Photo Courtesy: Joe Lorenzini

THANKS FOR A hardfought SEASON!

Wing Jamie Benn was the best feel-good story for the Stars this season. Benn’s performance during the team’s injury-riddled part of the season was extraordinary, as he basically carried the team offensively. As a team the Stars showed the ability during the season to hold an early lead. They were 262-1 when leading after one period, good for third best in the league. Minus The Stars started and ended the season with a “For Sale” sign on their backs. This created a cloud over the team which contributed to their demise this season. This uncertainty will no doubt lead to top scorer Brad Richards finding another employer during the offseason. It will also continue to wear on the players’ confidence in their management team. General Manager Joe Nieuwendyk did an admirable job given these circumstances. The new ownership team, when announced, may decide to look elsewhere for a new GM and Coach. One other glaring negative statistic for the year was the team’s inability to score on the power play on the road. They converted less than 14% of road power plays, which was third worst in the league. That compares to 21.3% at home, which was seventh best in the league. Stars fans must now sit and wait this offseason for (hopefully) a new ownership to emerge and take control of this organization. The sooner this takes place the better the prospects of making the playoffs next season will be. Further delays to finalize the sale will cripple the organization in making key personnel moves in both the player and management ranks. This is Tony Barone signing off…..have a nice summer Stars fans!

7 by Raymond Bloomquist

Vigilantes News

Finding a Niche:

Why Vigilante Warren Loves the AFL

Coming out of Texas A&M University, Dallas Vigilantes defensive end Justin Warren was projected as the ninth overall middle linebacker in the 2007 National Football League draft. Touted by the New England Patriots, Warren was ready to take the NFL by storm as a potential 3-4 inside backer. But unfortunately for Warren, that storm never came. Going into camp with the Pats, Warren would pull his hamstring, sidelining him the whole time he was there. This is where Arena Football comes into the story. Down but not out, the stand-out from Tyler, Texas was approached by the af2’s Spokane Shock. The young linebacker had never really known much about the Arena game, but in 2008, decided to embrace the possibilities by joining the Shock. Now entering the prime of his professional football career, Warren constantly keeps his eyes on the task ahead of him, which now is the goal of winning an ArenaBowl championship with the Dallas Vigilantes. “The one thing about football, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the NFL, AFL, CFL, UFL, or whatever, is that the meat of the game really doesn’t change,” Warren said. “You tackle, you run, you catch, and you try and get into the end zone. In Arena [Football], you still have a lot of players who did great things in college, and if given the opportunity, could possibly make a run at a promising NFL career. This league transitions well to other professional football

Crossword Solution

“Arena Football Fanatic”

leagues. But to succeed in the AFL, you still have to be at the top of your game.” Winning a championship with the Shock in 2009, Warren knows just how taxing and real Arena Football is, and despite what some football purists may think, Warren believes it is a game that should not be taken lightly. “We play this game because we love it,” Warren said. “There aren’t too many professional sports leagues out there that promote player accessibility to the fans like the AFL does. That’s one of the main reasons why we love this game. Some people think Arena Football is a gimmick, and that’s a shame. All I can say is, if you truly love the game of football, then it should be pretty hard to not love Arena, too. “This is definitely a niche-type game. But if you like sports that are physical and have fast-paced action, then Arena Football is definitely the game for you. It’s like basketball on turf. There’s no other game quite like this.” He recently turned 26 on Sunday and Warren would love nothing more than to treat himself to a few sacks in the Vigilantes’ 7:30 p.m., Thursday night home game against the Milwaukee Mustangs at the American Airlines Center. “We have to get back to our winning ways,” Warren said. “We just have to be fundamentally sound and not beat ourselves. If we can do that, we’ll be just fine. A win this week would make this birthday even sweeter.”

NBA: Hornets vs. Mavericks Wed. April 13 – 7:00PM – American Airlines Center – ESPN

The last game of the regular season might have significant impact on postseason match-ups. This could also be a preview of the Mavs first round opponent. Watching Chris Paul is always a joy. What will be Head Coach Rick Carlisle’s last minute adjustments?

NBA: Grizzlies vs. Clippers Wed. April 13 – 9:30PM – STAPLES Center – ESPN

The Memphis Grizzlies are one of those quietly dangerous teams. They play a physical game and power forward Zach Randolph is a beast. Who knows? They could be the Mavs first round opponent. This is your last chance to watch Blake Griffin and his incredible dunks until next season.

MLB: Rangers vs. Yankees Fri. April 15 – 6:05PM – Yankee Stadium – KTXA-21

The Rangers have been off to a great start while the Yankees had their problems in Boston. This will be the first time these two teams have met since last year’s ALCS. The Rangers will send Colby “Bonsai” Lewis to face Yankees Ace CC Sabathia. If the Rangers bats remain hot Sabathia will be knocked out early.

NASCAR: Aaron’s 499 Sun. April 17 – 12:00PM – Talladega Superspeedway – FOX

The NASCAR season has left the Metroplex until the fall. This weekend the race is in Alabama. The 2.66-mile track is the largest in NASCAR and speeds are some of the fastest. You won’t see Ricky Bobby out here but you will see several lead changes.

STARS

MAVS

RANGERS News

by Mark Miller

“The Dallasite from the North”

The Winning Continues For the first time since 1993, the Rangers won their first three series of a season. Even better, they only lost one game in sweeping the Red Sox and Mariners and taking two of three at Baltimore. While offense was the story against the Red Sox, solid baserunning and pitching were keys against Seattle and the Orioles. On the bases, Mitch Moreland and Ian Kinsler broke up potential double plays causing two errors and leading to three runs April 6. On the mound, Alexi Ogando proved the choice for the No. 5 rotation spot with six scoreless innings the day before against the Mariners. Derek Holland equaled Ogando with six shutout innings Sunday against Baltimore. “We continue to play baseball the way we do and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t,” Washington said after the 7-3 win April 6. “We want to stay aggressive. “I’m happy with our pitching and defense. I like scoring runs but I’m more proud of the pitching and defense.” The Rangers finally lost in the April 9 double-header opener when Weatherford graduate Zach Britton shut them out on four hits in 7 2/3 innings. They returned to form in the nightcap with four home runs and Matt Harrison pitching his second strong game in a 13-1 win. Road Trip Concludes The Rangers complete their first road trip of 2011 this weekend in New York. Since Texas eliminated the Yankees in the American League Championship Series last year could there be extra incentive for New York? “They’ve been champs so many years I don’t think they will play like that,” Washington said. “They go out and play and if they are good enough, they will beat us and if not we’ll beat them.” Most of the usual suspects still lead the Yankees – former Rangers first baseman Mark Teixeira, shortstop Derek Jeter, third baseman Alex Rodriguez, second baseman Robinson Cano, closer Mariano Rivera and pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Catcher Jorge Posada has moved to designated hitter after the team acquired Russell Martin. With Andy Pettite retired, New York now relies on Phil Hughes, A.J. Burnett, Freddy

Garcia and Ivan Nova. The Rangers then return home for the start of a 10-game homestand against archrival Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Second baseman Howie Kendrick has been among the early American League leaders in batting average, home runs, slugging percentage and on-base percentage. Center fielder Torii Hunter entered the week on a six-game hitting streak. Pitcher Jerod Weaver won his third game Sunday with a career-high 15-strikeout performance in 7 2/3 innings of a 3-1 win over Toronto and will likely face the Rangers. Rangers’ success on field breeds success off it The Rangers are reaping the benefits of last year’s success in the first week of 2011. Not only are they a hit with their fans but with the local media as well. Attendance skyrocketed for the first six home games with sellout crowds of more than 50,000, 48,000 and 46,000 against the Red Sox and 37,000+, 30,000+ and 25,000+ on schooldays against the Mariners. “The crowds have exceeded what we thought,” said Executive Vice-President John Blake, who estimated there’s been a 30-percent increase in local coverage starting in spring training. “There’s been more local television and more local websites covering us. We’ve been busy, that’s for sure.”

SPUDWEBB INTERVIEW WITH

by John Breen - “Man on the Street”

As you know, the Mavericks are heading into the playoffs. How different is the regular season from the postseason in the NBA? Well, it’s a lot different. Both teams are prepared for games in a series, so it’s not like a different team every other night. So the teams are well-prepared for each other. Is there anything that this Mavericks team needs to concentrate on heading into the playoffs? Defense is going to be a challenge all the way around. The Mavericks have put a lot of parts together that they need in the playoffs. A team like Portland could sneak up on them and beat them in the first round.

Now that March Madness is over and the UConn Huskies are the national champions, how did it feel to lead North Carolina State to the Sweet Sixteen? I’ve been watching a lot of college basketball lately. Some things are the same: you have to work hard and have good coaching. The college player is going to be well-prepared today with two or three years of college. The coaching in college is fundamental. In 1985 you were drafted by the Pistons and cut. How did you end up with the Atlanta Hawks? There were so many rounds back then. There’s only two rounds today. Back then it was nine or ten rounds and people were drafted and drafted. I got drafted by Detroit, never having been to Detroit. So they just released me right after I got drafted and I ended up at Atlanta. I had been talking to Atlanta and the Lakers. Doc Rivers was your coach when you first came into the league. Do you still stay in touch with him? Yeah, every year when I’m in Atlanta, we stay in touch, playing golf. I stay in touch with a lot of the guys I played with now that I’m doing a lot of scouting. Most of the guys I played with I keep up with and we play golf together. It’s just part of what’s normal about the NBA, that you get around

together and know each other’s families and friends.

I hear you. Being born here in Dallas, how special was winning the slam-dunk contest back in ’86? It was real special to win. I played for twelve years so winning the slam-dunk contest was special because I grew up here. After twelve years in the NBA, though, I don’t just want to be remembered for winning the slamdunk contest! Do you think the NBA has changed much since you played? Oh, it’s changed a whole lot. You can get anywhere on the floor you want to right now because there’s no hand-checking… The NFL is currently in a lockout and apparently the NBA will have one as well. As a former player, how do you feel about this lockout stuff? Well, first of all I’m a diehard football and Dallas Cowboys fan, so I don’t know what I would do without football… So I hope they get it worked out. And in basketball, I hope that the owners and the Players Association can sit down and work things out so there won’t be a strike. It seems that the NBA is becoming a league of superteams. You look at the Heat, the Celtics, even to a certain extent the Knicks. How do you think that affects the NBA? That’s what free agents are for. That’s what we fight for, so players can go where they want to go. I’ve got no problem with guys going where they want to go. When Magic and Bird and those guys won a championship they had three or four guys who were All-Stars, so I don’t have a problem with guys going through that. Lastly and most importantly, what have you been up to lately? I’ve been working with the Mavericks development team up in Frisco, doing what I can to help that operation get known and to bring in players. And I’ve been on the board with the A.W. Brown Charter School down in Dallas. We’ve been putting on a golf tournament for the last five years.

Photos Cou

EASTERN CONFERENCE: A LOOK AT THE MATCHUPS Bulls vs. Pacers The one vs. eight matchup is not the most lopsided we have seen in recent years. The Bulls do own a 3-1 record against Indiana with the Pacers winning in overtime in their last matchup by seven points in Indiana. Tyler Hansbrough has shown more promise than many thought throughout this year and scored 29 points in their last win with Carlos Boozer on the bench due to an injury. Indiana will have to rely on the shooting of Danny Granger, who will have to have the series of his life to even give the Pacers a chance to extend this series to five or six games. The MVP frontrunner is having an incredible season in Chicago. The Bulls will enter the postseason as a number one seed for the first time since MJ’s last season in Chicago. Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer are legitimate big men for Rose to distribute to. Yet Chicago is still relatively young, with little veteran postseason experience. Expect the Pacers to win, at most, one game in their building before losing this first round matchup to a team that outscored Indiana by 53 points in their first three losses. Heat vs. Sixers The Heat vs. Sixers won’t be the most anticipated 2-7 first-round matchup in recent memory. Miami’s big three will meet the Sixers in a

matchup that has Sixers fans losing optimism. The Heat seem to be playing their best basketball after several dry spells throughout the season. Wade, Bosh and LeBron will be too much. Sixers Head Coach Doug Collins should be praised for his team’s nearly 15-game improvement from last year. I really like what the future looks like in Philadelphia with the emergence of perennial all-stars Andre Iguodala and Elton Brand as well as guards Jrue Holiday and Lois Williams. That being said, this series won’t go beyond five games.

Celtics vs. Knicks The Celtics and Knicks comprise the three vs. six matchup, with the Celtics leading the season series 3-0 prior to Wednesday’s matchup. This may be the last run the Celtics big four have in them. With a championship and two finals appearances in the last three years; the Celtics will not overlook the up-and-coming Knicks. Shaquille O’Neal is also expected to return from injury for this series. With the playoff experience of Garnett, Allen, Rondo and Pierce, the Celtics have several advantages. The Knicks are still trying to find the right chemistry after a late-season skid. Chauncey Billups is a former Finals MVP while both Amare and Melo have experience playing in the Western Conference Finals. If the Knicks can

Los Angeles Lakers They are the biggest, baddest, and most talented team in the NBA. Replete with two-way players, they can beat you so many different ways. They are favorites this year if Andrew Bynum can stay healthy through the playoff run. (Heck they still might be if he can’t.) This is Phil Jackson’s last season (again) so he’ll have all the motivational Kool-Aid he needs to drive home another title with Kobe and company. Few teams have the size to make it interesting but if they get knocked off it will be a huge upset. Oklahoma City Thunder The team of the future might finally be the team of right now. The most athletic team in the NBA has a plethora of young legs and a nasty home court

advantage. Oklahoma City boasts two young superstars in Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant and have finally got the missing piece to guard the middle—Kendrick Perkins. This is the only team with a real chance to upset the Lakers. With so many players yet to reach their full potential, the big question is whether they can put it all together mentally at the end of close games. Last season they struggled with this but are lights-out this season. If that newfound skill transfers into the postseason they will be extremely tough to beat.

Denver Nuggets Now without a superstar, the Denver Nuggets still have one of the most entertaining teams in the NBA, with a whole lot of really good players. The twoheaded snake of Raymond Felton and Ty Lawson keeps opposing defenses on their heels and they are the second most athletic team behind the Thunder, with better ball movement and Nene in the middle providing easy baskets. Difficult to game-plan against with such evenly distributed talent. All they need to beat you is 2-3 guys and Nene to get hot. I don’t see them surviving the second round but they will be interesting to watch. Portland Trailblazers Dallas product LaMarcus Aldridge made the leap to All-Star this season and should be an absolute terror in postseason. The rest of the playoff rotation will be really solid in Marcus Camby, Gerald Wallace, An-

“Voice Out West”

dominate the boards and hold the Celtics to less than 90 points, this series could go to six or seven games. Magic vs. Hawks The four vs. five will see the Magic face Atlanta in a rematch of last year’s conference semifinals. Last year’s matchup saw the Magic hand the Hawks an embarrassing sweep. The Hawks were not even competitive, having the largest margin of loss in playoff history. Joe Johnson was completely irrelevant while the Atlanta defense looked like they just gave up, losing by an average of 25 points and giving up an average of 107 points. The Hawks lead the season series 3-1, but that is no indication of what is going to happen in this series. Atlanta will have no answer for MVP candidate Dwight Howard with either Al Horford or Jason Collins defending him when Dwight is on the floor. If Dwight stays out of foul trouble, he should score close to 30 every game. The other matchup to watch closely is Joe Johnson vs. Jason Richardson. It seems that I, along with many other people, cannot get the embarrassing performance of Johnson out of my head. Johnson will have to prove that he is a leader and come up big in every game. That being said, this series should be a snoozer with the Hawks maybe eking out one win in the ATL.

WESTERN CONFERENCE: A LOOK AT THE REST San Antonio Spurs They ran a train over the NBA for the entire season with a run and gun offense, resting Tim Duncan at every opportunity. The Spurs are always contenders with Duncan, Ginobli, and Parker but there are some huge question marks for the postseason. They changed their style this season because they lacked the interior size to play the trademarked Spurs slow and methodical defensive game-plan. If anybody knows you can’t roll into the playoffs running and gunning it’s the Spurs. Will Tim Duncan have the huge impact he’s had in years past? Yes, if Duncan can still be a presence in the middle and the Spurs can revert back to their defensive ways.

by Kris Boudreau

by Geoff Case

“NBA Analyst”

dre Miller, Wesley Matthews, Nicolas Batum, Rudy Fernandez and whatever Brandon Roy’s knees have left. Better than their record, they can beat a top seed in the first round and match up well against Dallas. If they make the second round they could give the Lakers fits because they have the size to match up with them. Portland is my dark horse to come out of the lower seeds. New Orleans Hornets After the team battled injuries all season, David West finally blew out his ACL a few weeks ago. Chris Paul is about 85% now and will struggle to score in the playoffs. They don’t have a realistic shot at the title this season much less the second round unless Emeka Okafor starts putting up 30 points a night. Too bad the Hornets couldn’t make it to the postseason healthy because Chris Paul is one of the best players to watch. C’est la vie. Memphis Grizzlies The Memphis Grizzlies have been playing their best basketball and have a great mix of young, veteran, and stud players. They have just the right amount of craziness to get under an opponent’s skin. They have quality bigs in Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph, who is a beast in the post; two great perimeter defenders in Tony Allen and Shane Battier, and O.J. Mayo coming off the bench. I’m guessing it will take at least six games for one of the top-seeded teams to take them out in the first round. Watch out, San Antonio.

ourtesy: Gregg Case

Mavs Begin Their

Playoff Run Boiling Point The Mavericks finally got everything turned around on the stretch run leading up to the playoffs thanks to some easy competition. The turning point was when tempers finally flared up during the Clippers game and Jason Terry was benched after getting into an altercation with J.J. Barea and Rick Carlisle. There seemed to be a lot of tension on the squad that had built up and it all came boiling to the surface that night. It looked like everything was falling apart with everybody bickering and calling each other out for sloppy plays and missed assignments. Since then, the Mavericks have played some inspired defense and have been battling for loose balls, rebounds, and running hard every possession. They are geared up for the postseason and despite some unfavorable matchups in the first round, they will be a tough out. Which JET will show up? The biggest question of the playoffs is which Jason Terry will show up to the postseason. JET was playing great for the last month then his shooting percentage went into a ditch. In the last few games the frustration finally bled through onto the court by getting technical fouls, getting thrown out of a game and fighting with teammates. Jason Terry’s struggles in the postseason have been well-documented but this team will need him more than ever with Caron’s Butler’s offense missing. JET is the Mavs secondbest scoring option and if he goes missing then opposing teams can focus a majority of their gameplan shutting Dirk down. He also needs to focus on defense even when his shots aren’t falling. Terry often lets a frustrating shooting night affect all aspects of his game and that simply can’t happen in the postseason. The bright side is that since Terry has already bottomed out maybe he can rebound in time for the playoffs.

by Geoff Case

“NBA Analyst”

Defense The Mavericks have gotten significantly more imposing defense then they had last year. Boasting the best center rotation in Mavericks history, Brendan Haywood, Tyson Chandler, and Ian Mahinmi can all provide something in the paint. Tyson Chandler has been relatively quiet the last few months battling injuries, but he’s shown in the past he raises his game significantly in the postseason. Tyson makes the difference in the Maverick defense and directs traffic when he’s on the court. Opposing teams will try to draw early fouls on Chandler and he’s got to play smart. There is a huge fall-off between the team defense when TC’s on the court versus the other two centers. The Mavericks have some really good defensive pieces in Shawn Marion, Jason Kidd, Corey Brewer (if active) and DeShawn Stevenson and have shown they can shut teams down if the effort is there. All the Mavericks will need to buy into the system and trust each other if they want to create a consistent defensive presence. Offense The Mavericks offense for the last decade has relied on Dirk Nowitzki hitting tough jumpers. For the most part Dirk has been able to bring his game up to another level in the playoffs. He’s incredibly efficient and is definitely the exception to the rule when it comes to the playoffs and jump-shooters. The problem that the Mavericks have is that the rest of the team really only shoots jump shots. Outside of J.J. Barea and Roddy Beaubois there aren’t any dribble penetrators. Simply put, if the Mavericks can hit their jump shots they will have a great offensive night, otherwise they will struggle to put up points. That same mentality can be applied to the team’s playoff hopes in general. If the Mavericks can get hot shooting the ball they will have an extended postseason. If not, we can expect an early exit.

GOIN’PLACES

Out and about in DFW with Hannah Allen

by Jack E. Jett

“Jett Stream”

Deep Ellum Romance

very year in April the Deep Ellum Arts Festival comes careening down Main Street. I went Friday with my husband and his best friend and again on Sunday with my little brother, Zaq. Both days had their perqs. Friday night one gets the laidback vibe of people easing into their weekend and vendors who haven’t been baking in the sun for 48 hours. Sunday is a different situation altogether. The street is crowded with girls in sundresses and empty-nesters and their huge Labradors. All the shops are open and the street vendors are more likely to cut you a deal. A short list of memorable stops in case you missed the festival – or were there and didn’t pick up business cards: First, the photography from South Austin Gallery. With displays of unpretentious color photographs and people manning the booth of the same type you can’t help but imagine the 5x7s or the full poster size in your office or bedroom. Mostly cityscapes and found beauties it felt somehow refreshing to see unphotoshopped-quality color photos – it was like looking at pics from that road trip in between your junior and senior year of college. The coolest part was that this collection literally spanned the globe, documenting travel through Europe and the Far East, places labeled on the back, but there were also pictures of Dallas, Austin and Houston (especially relevant to me). From Palmyra Studios out in Palmer I’d heard good things about Abraham Mellish, an unassuming kid originally from Liberia. In his deep voice Mellish told an interesting story. He holds his own with a semi-hollow body and original tunes. It seems as though his songs find footing between all he’s seen growing up in war-torn countries and the buoyancy of finding his voice in an art form he obviously loves. Angela R. Mosera’s handmade jewelry and wooden box purses have to be mentioned. Yeah, this is girlie stuff, but take a moment to hear me out. Mosera has this fascination with antique pocket watches and turns their gears and faces into jewelry. Plainly put, they’re more like wearable

works of art. But not the kind that look like a homeless guy pulled them out of a dumpster. My favorite piece has a watch face from the late 1800s, for example, and my brother found a pair of cufflinks with inlaid watch gears that spoke to the mechanic in him. Cassie Arnold is a mixed-media artist out of McKinney. She and her husband were there both times I stopped by. This kind of artwork might not appeal to everyone. It’s very haunting and has a definite color palette. Much of the work on display, Arnold’s husband told me, was inspired by Haiti: smoky pictures of children, chickens and flowers whispering of divine innocence hidden in a broken world. Face cards also play a big part in her work, lots of kings and queens and jacks take on a more serious tone than that usually associated with them. But soul-stirring is the only way I can describe what Arnold has done. After spending too much money on vintage vinyl my brother and I caught Tim Halperin on Sunday at the Pegasus News Stage, blocking the sun out of our eyes. He’s one of those increasingly rare acts who sounds just as good live as he does on record and vice versa. Originally from Omaha and now based out of Fort Worth he’s worth a listen…and then a download. My favorite this year was Los Angeles-based artist Gabe Leonard who paints “Outlaws, Pirates, Musicians and Drunken Poets.” When stepping into his booth full of exaggerated and romantic images of road-worn gunslingers and corseted ladies packing serious heat one can almost hear an orchestral soundtrack which, surprisingly, changes dramatically from picture to picture. Leonard’s background is in animation, so it is no wonder that his oil on canvas paintings have the feel of movie stills. When speaking with him he explains that when he was teaching himself to draw he would look through sports or fitness magazines to find an exact image to work off of. He’s reasonably priced and sells prints and reductions. His website is also witty and, surprisingly, has its own soundtrack.

I remember interviewing you before and you seemed to keep up with the music, and you seem not bitter about it. A lot of people I’ve talked to sometimes seem very bitter about today’s music. One of the greatest challenges in the world right now is to get new music in front of the fans. It’s damned near impossible. But if I were managing a young band right now, I would tell them not to sign with a label. I would tell them to sign with a publisher. That’s interesting. Why? Because they’ve got the money. And secondly if you were to split your songs with them, the ownership and the copyrights… Or even give them a hundred percent for a while, you make them have a vested interest in your success. They can open doors for you that no one else can. Sign with an EMI or Warner-Chappell, and sell your music by the pound. Write your songs and demo them quickly. If you own your own recording equipment you can put demos together by the dozen and make a deal with a music publisher. They can get your songs in movies…There’s all kinds of showcases around the country. College showcases and things like that. They will open all kinds of doors for you. The record companies just won’t because record companies are dying right now. …The other part of it that’s bad with record companies is that there’s no payday anymore, because your song immediately ends up on YouTube, you know, where nobody wants to pay for it, so the only paydays are concerts. Do you think internet radio is the future of music? Yes. But more than just internet radio. What they’re talking about now is “the cloud.” Selling subscriptions to people who own these little gadgets. Your television is going to be your iPod. The gadget you’re holding in your hand will be what you download music on. And there will be this gigantic database of material they call “the cloud” where you can pay a subscription and download anything. You know, I signed with Rhapsody, and I love that… That’s a perfect example of what I’m talking about. And as far as hearing new music, I think what we’re gonna see, once high-def TV really comes on the way it was meant to… You know, a cross between computer and television technologies… I think the whole record business is going to move to television. Not like MTV, I think you’re gonna have like the Sony channel, and the Warner channel… All these places where you can preview new music. It’ll just be the audio? No, audio and video. Maybe a picture of the act. Like on the upper end of your TV dial where you have the music channel, it’s gonna be like that. Music choice may get bigger and bigger, but it’s going to be that kind of thing where you can preview new music. Yeah, well I have to say to people, if they haven’t read your book [Me, the Mob and the Music (Scribner’s, 2010)] they should definitely get it, it’s a page-turner for sure. Well, thank you so much. It’s been great talking with you. And anyone who wants to come to our website, it’s tommyjames. com. And we’ll be playing all over this year. [Tommy James most recently played the WinStar in Thackerville, Oklahoma, on Wed., March 12. Jett Streams plays every Wed. and Fri. from 4-6 p.m. on rationalbroadcasting.com]

C*nt - A Brief History of the Word by Jesse Whitman

I used to hate this word. Using it myself would be like sacrilege to my fellow gender and if I heard anyone around me say it, I went into a momentary coma of shock induced by feminist rage. Then, in one instant everything changed, and finally my naivety that people would never treat me badly based on shallow reasons was shattered, and the word as well as the world would never be the same as I had previously perceived it. It was my sophomore year of college and I had just turned in an English paper that I was quite proud of. Math was not my thing and I found solace and a bit of pride that despite my math skills being equivalent to a seventh grader with a learning disability, my writing skills were way above average. At least I had that to get me through college, and it did. In every class where I was required to write papers or essays, I excelled. That is, until one day, a pretentious woman with a mullet accused me of plagiarism. I should have seen it

coming, but I never thought that the accusations would be this bad. I thought, at the very worst, I would get something lower than my usual A. But she blatantly accused me of plagiarism, which, as she so helpfully reminded me, could potentially get me kicked out of school and cause me to lose my scholarship. Basically, this woman was dead-set on ruining my life. The hatred and scorn I felt for this woman was like no other, and suddenly I thought of the only word I could use to describe her. She was a c*nt. Now that a woman had crossed me with so much malice, I clearly understood and even respected the use of the “c” word. I no longer saw it as degrading to women or a direct aberration to the female gender and all the struggles they had gone through on my behalf. There was a reason this word

“A Woman’s Perspective”

was around, especially since it was the only word I could find that would accurately describe this awful woman who was trying to destroy my future. In retrospect, I can now see where she was coming from. Her mid-life crisis, which con-

ing my innocence. Regarding the meaning of the word, many would argue that it all depends on the “context.” Either way, the “c” word has had a long history, starting with the prostitutes from Gropecunt Lane in London. It was used as a vul-

sisted of driving an older model Mazda Miata, a bad haircut, and clothing from the set of Miami Vice was kind of sad, not to mention that beneath those ugly sweaters from the mid-eighties and the garish highlights was no-doubt a body that resembled a melted candle. Still, she was a c*nt, even though I was able to save my scholarship and my grade after writing a letter to the chair of the department profess-

gar reference to the female genitalia, and some scholars, including Germaine Greer, agree that “it is one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock.” The Spanish and French can say “putain” and “puta madre” all they want, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the best curse word in the history of civilization.

Copeland’s of New Orleans 1400 Plaza Place Southlake – 76092 PH: 817-305-2199 southlakecopelands.com

Classic Cajun: Copeland’s of New Orleans The Story Over 25 years ago Al Copeland began serving up authentic, hometown New Orleans food and ambiance. His son Al Jr. is now running things and is carrying on the tradition started by his father. The menu is loaded with Cajun specialties and each item is made from scratch. Several of the items on the menu are original dishes and marked for your information as you select your dining items. The Atmosphere The restaurant is located inside the Hilton in Southlake Town Square. The atmosphere is casually festive and combines New Orleans comfort with an upscale sensibility. The mood embodies the heart and soul of Southern Louisiana all the way down to the Mardi Gras beads hanging from the lights. The Menu The chefs at Copeland’s take pride in blending mouthwatering sauces and seasonings to the items on a very large menu. The appetizers feature a crawfish bread loaded with sautéed crawfish and complemented with artichoke and spinach. Or there’s the original stuffed mushrooms stuffed with homemade crabmeat stuffing and served with Tiger sauce. Several hot and cold tasting plates need to be considered. The Steak Labouchère is a seared rib-eye sliced thin with tossed angel hair pasta in the signature sauce. The overstuffed Po-Boys feature seasoned, hand-battered and fried seafood including the ever-present crawfish. It is served dressed with tartar sauce on New Orleans own Leidenheimer French bread. Burgers and sandwiches are abundant and none are better than the original Copeland burger which is a half-pound hand-

by Tony Barone

formed choice ground chuck with cheese and served on a croissant. If you are in the mood for fresh fish there is a blackened redfish which is grilled and seasoned, exemplifying all that is Cajun. The seafood platter is said to be famous and has fried oysters, shrimp, crawfish tails, a crab cake and catfish that was crispy and thin. But this restaurant was all about the crawfish, which is fresh this time of year and shows up in several places on the menu. You can order it as a sauce with your steak or just have it in a classic Louisiana Etouffée served in a dark roux-based sauce seasoned with garlic, green onions, and spices, ladled over white rice. Or you can go with the fried crawfish platter which features the all-important crawfish tail seasoned and golden fried. The favorite on this evening was the crawfish fettuccine which had lots of crawfish meat sautéed in a light cream sauce with onions, seasonings and tossed pasta. It’s all crawlicious! Blitzworthy Copeland’s has a nice wooden bar with ample supplies of liquor and beers. There are bistro tables if you want to dine in the bar and watch your favorite DFW sports team on the TV. If you want to start the evening off right try Copeland’s famous ice bar which has seven different liquors on tap that comes out at five degrees. The liquors include Grey Goose, Kettle One, Belvedere, Ciroc, Bombay Sapphire, Patron Silver and Don Julio Silver. Or for the not so faint at heart you can try one of Copeland’s punch bowls. The Crash and Burn contains seven liquors including Meyers Dark Rum, Southern Comfort and Bacardi 151. While You Are There Take advantage of being in the heart of Southlake Town Square. There are movie theatres, a Barnes and Noble, an Apple computer store and several upscale shops within easy walking distance of the restaurant. A great way to end a classic Cajun evening!

JOKES

HORRORSCOPES

FUNNIES

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked in a box of Cheerios? A: Look! Donut seeds! Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? A: You gonna eat that? Another Beer A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore…” The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

ACROSS:

1. Billiards bounce 6. 1 1 1 1 10. Fortuneteller 14. Avoid 15. Wander 16. Cab 17. An inexperienced sailor 19. Wickedness 20. Not greater 21. Refinable rock 22. Water source 23. Leave out 25. Not liquids or solids 26. Celebration 30. Marine mollusk 32. Forsake 35. Slender stem-like structure 39. Trough 40. Ring of color around the nipple 41. Adhering to moral principles 43. Reached a high point 44. Varicolored 46. Alluring 47. Hiker’s path 50. Elector

53. Rear end 54. Black gunk 55. A type of handsaw 60. Murres 61. Ceremony 63. Group of actors 64. Secluded valley 65. A South American bird 66. Ultimatum ender 67. Adjusts 68. A pariah

DOWN:

1. A prisoner’s room 2. Wings 3. Flees on foot 4. Likelihood 5. Donnybrook 6. Sphere 7. A person of no influence 8. Tallest mountain 9. Arid 10. Female flight attendant 11. Overhangs 12. Banish 13. Streamlets 18. Website address

24. Charged particle 25. A literary style 26. Measuring device 27. Adjoin 28. Strip of wood 29. Tell in advance 31. Rip 33. Sticker 34. Verbal 36. Learning method 37. Holly 38. Gentlewoman 42. Habitable 43. Camp sack 45. Girdle 47. Cease-fire 48. Country 49. Out of place 51. Miscalculate 52. Competitor 54. Garb 56. Part of a book 57. Break 58. Highest point 59. Small dam 62. N N N N

Personal Trainer Dear BLITZbudsman:

Half of my workday is spent at the gym saying the same things over and over to chubby women. My clients and I both get that it’s a ritual. Only the appearance of the client’s body is supposed to change. I’m good at the gym part of my job because of this weird ability I have to spot any change in their flab—one millimeter either way. My clients think I’m the best ally they’ll ever have in their pursuit of self-esteem. By comparison their husbands—who are mostly sorry to hear them tell it—only seem to notice their flab when there’s more of it. My clients aren’t cheaters, and it’s rare that someone will start the hinting around and heavy breathing at the gym, but arousal is common at my office, which is why I have an assistant (female) always present. My assistant has her desk in the office part but in back I’ve got some mats and free weights—no machines. I know that Pilates is taking over but I still follow the teachings of Bess Mensendieck. She insisted that her postural exercises be performed nude before a mirror. Part of my training was in scoliosis therapy, and I know how helpful it is for people with all kinds of back problems to watch their muscles while they exercise. Even so, to keep significant others off my back, I’m now recommending Spandex in my private classes or form-fitting bathing suits. Even though Mensendieck hasn’t been big in the U.S. since the 1930s some of my best students have been reading her and started exercising nude before a mirror in a way that was once traditional. Now I have husbands making trouble for me and I’m tempted to start teaching non-musical Yogilates (Yoga plus Pilates) which will enable me to use some of the methods I have been teaching without being a hypocrite or appearing to climb on the bandwagon. All my best students are threatening to leave me if I do this, and since they network with each other at the gym, which is where I met most of them, I’m faced with starting over if I take this step. None of my male friends believe I would go this far just to make the ladies keep their clothes on, but I’m certain some of the husbands are following me, and I’m going to be in trouble if they find out about each other and form a support group. Any ideas? – Therapist in trouble

Dear Therapist:

Though ignorant of your Bess until hearing from you I poked about online and discovered that the woman who demonstrated the Mensendieck method in It’s Up to You (1931) was allowed to appear in the English-language edition only after a bikini had been painted on her body. Why not invite husbands to your office and have them paint bikinis on their wives? What fun! But why would you want to eliminate the music which accompanies Yogilates exercises and softens the self-torture? Anyway, someone so committed should have his own system. Could you not devise one simple exercise that would embody all of Bess’s economy and scope of movement, space awareness, line execution, rhythm, weight, breathing, energizing and relaxation? Let’s try. On a soft mat, start by touching your toes, increasing flexibility until you’re able to poke your head between your legs. Shimmy until shoulders and arms are brought between the legs as well. With your head wedged into your a$$ you should fall forward onto your back and be able to roll in any direction with great economy of movement. Now spherical, obliging husbands might want to take you for a spin through the parking lot or down the street, making the most of available space and executing straight lines whenever possible, building rhythm and momentum without music. Meanwhile you will have stopped breathing entirely and your relaxed muscles will have flattened over the road surface for maximum distribution of energy. What guru in history has been more exalted by a disciple? With young female Mensendieckers getting naked from coast to coast, men everywhere will honor your name! Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com

19 by Sam Chase

Many addictions begin as habits that were nothing more than an attempt to give meaning to those times in our lives when there was nothing better to do. Maybe we had to wait our turn, or for one reason or another there was time to kill. Such times are the devil to overcome without a cigarette, if we smoke, or gum to chew, if we’re gumchewers, or tasty food that isn’t good for us if we’re in the habit of eating when there’s nothing better to do. We don’t realize we’re addicted to anything until the nonproductive activity starts to take over random moments throughout the day and we find we’re making time for it. Smoking, drinking and really all the oral fixations take hold in this way. At some point we will try to become productive with-

out forsaking the addiction. Thus the spectacle of the hard worker who brings his work home and finds in the morning that he’s created a mess that he will have to fix, because… Well, to be honest, because he was sipping bourbon whiskey the whole time he was writing it last night. If we are well-intentioned adults, and most of us are, we will try to create boundaries. One cigarette with our morning coffee, one during our first morning break. Two at lunch… And so on. No drinks before 6 p.m., no more than two in the evening, a small whiskey before bed… It puts me to sleep to reproduce the thinking of such a person. There’s a way out of this systematic demolition of our creative possibilities. No, not better dope or a new form of XTC. Shift

“Culture Warrior”

the addiction from a substance to a person. Carefully review your lady’s anatomy and qualities of mind. What makes her unique? What are the standout traits to which no other woman on the planet can lay claim? If you can’t find these traits you haven’t looked hard enough. But it’s not enough to celebrate identifying characteristics—anyone could do so and someone else just might! You’ve got to become addicted. Never mind exactly what obsesses you—the way she growls when you get her there. The way she walks when she’s sore. Go for it… Again and again, you addict!