Biting beavers
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile/Movie Review 4 Music: Blues Lady 5 Vigilantes News 7 Rangers News 8 COVER STORY: Mavs Win NBA Title Photo Recap 9 Mavs Beat The Heat 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Amy 12 A Really Bad Poem 13 Hey Romeo! 13 Brotherhood of the Terrasses 14 Office Hot 15 Flying Sucks 15 The Jettstream 16 Food Review: Seasons 52 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Can This Job Be Saved? 18 PUBLISHER Kelly G. Reed EDITOR Jeff Putnam PHOTO EDITOR Darryl Briggs COVER Cover Photography: Manny Flores and Gregg Case Cover Design: Damien William Mayfield STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS John Breen, Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Joe Lorenzini, Chuck Majors CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Hannah Allen, Yu-Ping Chen, Manny Flores, Julie Kerlesz, Staci Kramer, Shawn Lipowski, Jason Pack, Georges Seguin, Tom Woodward STAFF WRITERS Tony Barone, Geoff Case, Sam Chase, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Jack E. Jett, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller, Richard S. Pollak, Jesse Whitman CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Hannah Allen, Raymond Bloomquist, Maria Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Brad LaCour, Gilbert Moses CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com
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From the cutting edge of the sexual revolution, a good friend of ours in Philadelphia writes us as follows: “As soon as this article appeared I thought of you guys. Blitz Weekly readers are the only men I can think of who would have the balls to take on a beaver with teeth. Typically, the Yankees here called the police after the first reports started coming in and the police called the park rangers. “Of course in these days of widespread habitat destruction the parks are full of all kinds of creatures. With summer upon us a lot of citizens who haven’t got the money to escape to Amelia Island or Hilton Head are going to go looking for sea breezes in one of our parks. Well, the park service is asking them to avoid Pennypack Park in northeast Philadelphia, at least until they’re sure that the beaver in question is one of a kind. “Until recently I thought of myself as an expert on beaver behavior. The park service is telling me that the one they destroyed had rabies, but that’s nothing new. I never ran into a beaver that wasn’t foaming at the mouth. It’s the teeth that have me worried. “I’ve been bitten by hundreds of beavers in my time but not one that had teeth. They would just gum me for a while—I won’t say it didn’t hurt sometimes, but there’s no question that they thought of what they were doing as a game. And who cares if they had rabies as long as they didn’t break the skin? To be honest, I thought their game was fun and I’ve even played it with the same beaver
City of submarines… and floaters
In New London, Connecticut, the park service is contending with even graver public health issues brought on by homelessness. Apparently certain New Londoners are using a public fountain—one containing a
more than once. “But this beaver with teeth clearly went too far and deserved to die. First I read that it attacked a married couple, a couple of people who had gone fishing on a Wednesday. Well, anyone who reads the papers up here will tell you there’s more and more of this kind of thing. A couple goes fishing as an excuse to go off by themselves and fool around and then they get themselves jumped by a wild beaver and find themselves in a threesome. “Coming up to nuzzle a little, that’s to be expected in a park. Dogs are doing it all the time. What could be more natural than having a strange dog shove his nose into your crotch and leave a wet mark on your pants with its mouth-foam? But this beaver was out for blood—and to his credit, once bitten the man threw a rock at the bloodthirsty bundle of fur and chased it away. “Then the next day it went after a child, and that’s when the park service had had enough. After they cornered the beaver and put some bullets into it, sure enough, there were the signs of ‘blunt force trauma’ from the rock the first victim had thrown. “Anyway, the two adult Philadelphians and the child all tested positive for rabies and were given shots. But given how much beavers like to breed—some would say that’s all they think about—it might be a good idea to stay out of the public parks, at least in the City of Brotherly Love, until we’re sure that all the ones with teeth have given each other rabies and died out.” sculpted whale’s tailfin—to take showers in, to pi$$ and crap in and wash off the blood when they cut themselves. No doubt the fountain was installed with the express purpose of ridding New London of its homeless population, but how is this fair to children with their notorious tendency to leap without looking?
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VOL. 3 - ISSUE 41
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 3
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
A+ (THE HARD WAY) During April and May of 2011, while her husband was way in the army, Brittni Colleps, 27, did her part not only teaching English and coaching basketball at Kennedale (Texas) High School, she volunteered to teach evening sex education classes in her home. Problem was, her classes were not authorized by her school, and being videotaped naked having sex with five male students (at once) caused her to be arrested and held on a $125,000 bond. (Brittni is also the mother of three children.) LOTTO: TAX ON FOOLS Rakel Daniele, Fort Lee, New Jersey, was watching WABC-TV while they displayed winning lotto numbers, causing her to scream, “I WON!, I WON!.” But her financial dreams for the future failed …when she was forced to face the fact that the numbers on TV were wrong. This must be at least part of the reason she is suing WABC. ANCIENT ANIMAL ABUSE Of many articles published by National Geographic on “Tombs of Ancient Egypt,” one in 2010 included photos of mummified animals buried at the Dog Catacombs. There, scientists assumed puppy mills had provided the eight million or so dogs, most mummified only hours after birth.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Our fans just punked the sh*t out of Heat fans!” – Mark Cuban Photo Courtesy: Staci Kramer
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4 JUNE 15 - 21, 2011
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE with J.J. Abrams
by Vivian Fullerlove
J.J. Abrams has definitely joined the ranks of the Hollywood super-producers! He is the man behind both television and big screen hits like Lost, Alias, Star Trek, Cloverfield and Mission Impossible III. He brings a bit of nostalgia to his new sci-fi thriller Super 8. The film stars an amazing young cast helmed by newcomer Joel Courtney and Elle Fanning. The movie takes us back to the summer of 1979, when a group of friends begin noticing strange happenings in their small town following a mysterious train crash. Armed with only the naiveté of youth, and their Super 8 camera, they set out to investigate the creepy phenomenon. I sat down with Abrams to talk about the film and what it meant to him and longtime filmmaking partners. Where did you get the idea for this film? The idea for the film came out of two separate ideas: one was the idea of doing a film about kids making Super 8 films in the 70s and early 80s, and the other one was a monster movie idea I’d had. One [idea involved] a group of characters I loved but without a story that compelled people to go see it, and one [idea] had a compelling premise, but no original characters; so I tried to combine the two and found they serviced each other in a cool way. And what is the premise of the film? The catalyst for the movie… There are two elements of the film. One is sort of this mysterious creature that escaped from the train and the other is this equally mysterious creature, at least for these boys, which is this girl named Alice Dainard who goes to their school, and the main character is clearly smitten with this girl before the movie begins. Working on this movie— she’s agreed to be part of it—gives him an excuse to hang out and get to know her, and we were incredibly fortunate to cast Elle Fanning as Alice. At the heart of the film is a really great love story. The monster stuff is great fun, but more [important] than anything is the love story.
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
I heard this film was a little nostalgic for you and several of the guys involved in this project. Tell me about how you all were able to relate to the characters in it. Michael Giacchino, who is the composer— I had met him when I was doing Alias, and he had done a bunch of video game scores. I emailed him and asked if he would be interested in working on a TV show, and we’ve worked together ever since. Michael also used to make movies when he was a kid; so he and I and the producers all had this weird shared experience even though we weren’t ever together as kids. When we were on the scoring stage, every time I would look over to Michael, he had tears in his eyes hearing the way the orchestra was playing this music and he’d say “Doesn’t this sound like our childhood?” We didn’t have a childhood together, but we did in a way by having these same experiences. There is a very cool iPhone app you guys created that might inspire the next generation of filmmakers. The app that we developed for the iPhone and iPad was a fun idea. There are some others out there like it, but this one we thought was better because it was free. The idea of doing a movie, the by-product being to inspire people to make their own movies, is kind of wonderful. It wasn’t the goal of the movie, but making movies has never been more possible, accessible and affordable, and it is an amazing way to express yourself and to experiment and try things. I feel very much like the work I get to do today is identical to what I did when I was a kid. The difference is that the film is different, and I get to work with people who are better at what they do, but the spirit of it is the same, and it is a wonderful means of expression. So, if you want to be inspired or just scared out of your mind, you can check out Super 8 tonight at a theatre near you. The film is rated PG-13.
by Gilbert Moses – gilbertmoses.wordpress.com
X-Men: First Class
The summer months have long been the home of the action-adventure film. This is the time of year where the big screen is filled with your favorite childhood (and for some, adulthood) heroes, big budget explosions, epic struggles to save the world, and talking animal ninjas. For this summer in particular, the comic book hero is king, with movies like Thor, Captain America and The Green Lantern making
their debut. I rarely go to see a summer action movie expecting more than an average script with top-billed actors and a massive special effects budget to make up for a lack of storytelling. However, the latest installment to the X-men series was a pleasant surprise and delivered much more than I was expecting. X-Men: First Class opens with a heartwrenching flashback depicting Erik Lehnsherr (Michael Fassbender), aka Magneto, being put through a terrible ordeal (I won’t spoil it for you here) in a German concentration camp. German soldiers have gotten a glimpse of Erik’s special ability, the power to control metal, and learn that anger helps him unlock his power. The movie quickly shifts gears and we are introduced to an adult Erik who is hell-bent on seeking revenge. Across the world another young mutant named Charles Xavier (James McAvoy) is enlisted by the government to help stop an international terrorist, Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon), from orchestrating a plot to begin World War III. It is this common enemy that brings Charles and Erik together, and with the help of the
US government, they begin to build a team of extraordinary men and women to foil Shaw’s plot. The writers of this movie took a real event we are all familiar with, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and put a unique spin on it. They managed to write scenarios and dialogue that are just serious enough to keep viewers engaged but “over the top” enough to stay true to the comic book’s roots. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender do an excellent job of portraying the building internal conflict between friends that eventually end up on opposite sides of a war. Anyone who is a fan of the X-Men films, comics or cartoons will love this movie. For those familiar with the franchise it does an excellent job of setting the stage for what is to come in the story. However, this movie shines not just as a prequel, but as a stand-alone story as well. Moviegoers who are not familiar with XMen may not have an appreciation for a few special cameos, but they will enjoy this film nonetheless. If you are looking for an action-packed movie that is a cut above the average summer blockbuster, then X-men: First Class is a must-see.
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 5 blitzweekly.com
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photo and story by Hannah Allen
L E A R N T O P L AY P O L O NO RIDING EXPERIENCE NECESSARY WWW.DALLASPOLOCLUB.ORG
C ALL 214-979-0300 ext.1
Mary J. Blige – Growing Pains
3. Love Like This
Faith Evans – Keep The Faith
4. I’m Still Waiting
Diana Ross – Everything Is Everything
5. Do You Love What You Feel
Chaka Khan – Masterjam
6. If Your Girl Only Knew
Aaliyah – One In A Million
7. Nasty
Recently I was browsing reverbnation. com and discovered that Sonya Jevette is still making great bluesy music. With tons of pictures and original songs it’s easy to get a sense of what her live show feels like. Make no mistake, Jevette is not a man-hater. She has an easy confidence on stage that eliminates the need to judge anything harshly after she opens her mouth. A Texas native who graduated North Mesquite High and studied journalism at Richland College she’s described as soulful and sultry while currently sitting at an impressive number nine on the reverbnation.com blues chart for Dallas. I last caught Jevette at The Deep Ellum Arts Festival on the ArtLoveMagic stage. Check out her fan site at reverbnation.com for more upcoming shows and several of her original tunes, including “How You Gonna Scratch,” “Band Mix Mama Said,” “Big Girls,” “Whenever You’re Around” and “Jevette,” all available on reverbnation.com.
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1614 E. Beltline Rd. Carrollton, Texas 75006 972-466-0077 www.beltlinesmilecenter.com
Janet Jackson – Control
8. On & On
Erykah Badu – Baduizm
9. Smooth Operator
Sade – Diamond Life
10. You’re Makin’ Me High
Toni Braxton - Secrets
Ponderosa House of Blues – Dallas In the tradition of The Black Crowes, Ponderosa perform Southern rock with a gritty sound but a smooth professionalism that suits a group for whom live performance is a religion.
Thur 6/16
Frontiers Dallas Arboretum – Dallas Touring nationally as a “Journey Tribute Band” reviews assert almost too much similarity to the original. Bring a blanket, booze and enjoy them at one of Dallas’s best venues.
Fri 6/17
2. Just Fine
Wed 6/15
A Tribute to New Orleans Jazz Myerson Symphony Center – Dallas Will the forces of the Dallas Symphony Orchestra do justice to the musical legacy of Louis Armstrong? They’re making a good start by showcasing trumpeter Byron Stripling.
Sat 6/18
Aretha Franklin – Aretha’s Best
Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue Botanic Garden – Fort Worth The Fort Worth Symphony will back the group whose album Backatown hit number one on jazz charts. Concessions or picnic, BYOB, fireworks afterward. Great nighttime fun.
Sun 6/19
Frank Lloyd Wright Dallas Museum of Art – Dallas An exhibit of the Wasmuth Portfolio, Wright’s first published plans (1910), which influenced modernists in Europe. One of many reasons to spend Sunday at the museum.
Mon 6/20
Dallas Polo Club
MUSIC: Female R&B Artists 1. Respect
Dying City by Christopher Shinn Addison Theatre Center – Addison Second Thought Theatre has chosen this production to conclude its seventh season. It involves a surprise encounter between the twin of a soldier who died in Iraq and his widow.
Tues 6/21
everal years ago my husband used to play an open mic night put on by In House Entertainment at The Rock House Live. As with any open mic experience one could expect moments of unbridled talent or harrowing performances by the sadly misguided all in the same few hours. It was through these open mic nights that I learned my ultimate rule for saving a floundering performance: “When in doubt cover Bob Dylan.” The unique part of this experience for me was that I was expecting my first son and so was not allowed to partake of any of the wonderful drink specials week to week. This made the aforementioned questionable acts undoubtedly horrible and the good ones undeniably impressive. All I’m trying to do is establish my credibility – I wasn’t trashed or even buzzed so I could decipher good from mediocre and mediocre from terrible. Subsequently the men from these nights became a sort of soundtrack to my life. I’d find myself singing along to their songs in my head while I was working or walking the dog. It was an undeniable sausage-fest for the longest time, as most rock circles are, until one night Sonya Jevette showed up. Wearing a cowboy hat and a beautiful hollow-body guitar she was one of those performers who was hard to peg. With competent guitar chops and a voice like melted semi-sweet chocolate she turned the stage into her enclave. With lyrics about “more cushion for the pushin’,” and a killer cover of Hotel California she proved in one set she could run in any boys club and look damn good doing it.
TEDxSMU Caruth Hall, SMU – Dallas Each Tuesday a filmed talk from the TED (Technology, Entertainment and Design) archives is viewed and discussed by resident university experts and guests.
If you know of a cool event or concert coming up, send some info our way at editor@blitzweekly.com
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 7
Vigilantes News
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by Raymond Bloomquist
Crossword Solution
“Arena Football Fanatic”
Back To Work For Vigilantes
Refreshed and ready to get back on the gridiron, Dallas Vigilante wide receiver DeAndrew Rubin is back from his visit home to Tampa Bay, Florida. And with six weeks of the regular season left to go in what will be an interesting and intense playoff push for the Vigilantes, the team’s second and final bye week could not have come at a better time. “The second bye week is very important this year, because we have two extra games,” Rubin said. “All of us need it to recharge mentally and physically. For me, my body needs the chance to recover, because I’m an older guy, so I have to rest my bones and make sure I get my legs back under me.” But for most players, the bye week is not just for taking care of bumps and bruises. For a majority of the league, it is also a chance to spend time with family, which can even be a hard thing to do for families who are not thousands of miles apart. “I have not seen my kids in weeks, so it’s always good to go home and spend time with them,” Rubin said. “It’s a great feeling to know that your family is doing well and that they’re safe and sound. That’s the most important thing.” With Dallas’ next three games against beatable teams, two of which the Vigilantes defeated earlier in the year, before a three-game faceoff with three different division leaders to close out the regular season, it is now time for Rubin and his teammates to show how ready they truly are. “None of these games is going to be easy, especially the one this week with Iowa and then with Tulsa next week,” Rubin said. “When you’ve already lost once to another team, you don’t want to lose to them again, and you’ll do everything you can to make sure of that. “For us to be where we want to be, we need to win out. We believe we can win every game that is left on our schedule, and
if we want to take back control of our division, we are probably going to have to do so. There are bigger aspirations here than just making the playoffs. We still have a shot to win our division, so we are going to make sure that nothing is left on the field in these
NHL: Bruins vs. Canucks
Wed. June 15 – 7:00PM – Rogers Arena – NBC
There is nothing more exciting than a Game Seven in any sport and this is a big one. The Stanley Cup is on the line and the spoils go to the victor! Each team has defended its home ice. This series has lived up to expectations and has been hard fought. Will Vancouver win their first or will Boston win their sixth cup?
MLB: Rangers vs. Braves
Fri. June 17 – 6:35PM – Turner Field – KTXA 21
The Rangers take their talents to Atlanta with interleague resuming this weekend. Who knows what their condition will be after battling the Yankees. Colby “Bonsai” Lewis takes the mound. He was beaten up pretty badly in his last outing against the Twins. The Braves have Tommy Hanson who boasts an 8-4 record. The Braves are suffering from a lot of injuries and might not have enough to beat the Rangers.
NASCAR: Heluva Good! Sour Cream Dips 400
Sun. June 19 – Noon – Michigan Int’l Speedway – TNT
next six weeks.” Film sessions started Monday for the Vigilantes, with a full week of practice to follow. Dallas will square off with the Iowa Barnstormers (3-9) on Saturday, June 18 and then travel to Oklahoma to finish the divisional road trip versus the Tulsa Talons (5-7) on June 25. Both games can be heard live on KFXR 1190 AM (Dallas). The Vigilantes’ next home game will be a Saturday, 7:30 p.m. kickoff with the Philadelphia Soul (58). “It all starts this week,” Rubin said. “We know what’s at stake, and we know what we have to do. It’s time to get back to work.”
It’s Father’s Day and they will be swapping paint at the site of several notable wrecks and crashes over the years. Last year the NASCAR world was shocked when Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the race. With the track’s wide racing surface look for lots of high banking and high speeds. Who will win it this year?
MLB: Yankees vs. Cubs
Sun. June 19 – 7:05PM – Wrigley Field – ESPN
Two historic franchises go at it to conclude the weekend. The Yankees currently look like a MASH unit just trying to hang in there. They got their bats going recently but their bullpen is suspect right now. CC Sabathia will get the start and has been pretty reliable. The Cubs will have Randy Wells pitching for them.
RANGERS
MAVS
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8 JUNE 15 - 21, 2011
RANGERS News
by Mark Miller
“The Dallasite from the North”
Road woes return Maybe the sporting gods didn’t want another Dallas-Fort Worth team taking away from the success of the National Basketball Association champion Dallas Mavericks. Whatever the reason, the Texas Rangers reverted back to their inconsistent selves last week. After a 6-1 previous week that included three shutouts, the Rangers went 2-5, largely because they yielded 46 runs with no shutouts in seven games at Detroit and Minnesota and scored just once three times. Never a stranger to drama, the Rangers fired hitting coach Thad Bosley last week, replacing him with Scott Coolbaugh, and Manager Ron Washington pinch-hit for Elvis Andrus on Sunday because he didn’t like the shortstop’s attitude on a late play. Also, starting pitcher Matt Harrison, already the victim of a blister and a kidney stone, had to leave Sunday’s game when hit on his left triceps. That came the same day catcher-first baseman Mike Napoli went on the disabled list with a strained rib cage muscle. To top it off, Twins left-hander Francisco Liriano came within six outs Sunday of his second no-hitter this season. A single to lead off the eighth inning by Adrian Beltre ended that bid. Despite the dismal week, Texas remained atop the American League West but the lead shrank to just one and one-half games over Seattle. There also were good signs from starting pitchers Alexi Ogando and C.J. Wilson, not surprisingly the week’s only two winners. Ogando yielded just one run in 7 2/3 innings of a 7-3 victory over the Tigers. Wilson gave up three runs in seven innings of a 9-3 victory over Minnesota, the only win in four games against the Twins. “They outplayed us the last two days,” Washington told mlb.com. “We’re not going to let that stop us. We’ll pick up the pieces and move on.”
Interleague Play Resumes After the Rangers finish their regular season with the Yankees with games Wednesday night and Thursday afternoon in New York, it’s back to interleague play. The Rangers, who lost two of three games at Philadelphia last month, play three games at Atlanta before beginning their home-and-home series with Houston at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington. The Braves are hanging right with the Phillies in the National League East, trailing by just two games entering this week with a 38-28 record. Catcher Brian McCann has been steady offensively with nine home runs, 37 runs batted in and a .307 batting average. Third baseman Chipper Jones has returned strongly from a major injury in 2010 with 35 RBI himself. Jair Jurrjens has an 8-2 record and leagueleading 1.82 earned run average while fellow starter Tommy Hanson is 8-4 with a 2.48 earned run average. The Astros have had their troubles as they enter the week with the worst record in the major leagues at 24-42. That’s despite a stellar season from outfielder Hunter Pence who is among
the National League’s leading hitters at .318 and RBI leaders with 46.
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 9 blitzweekly.com
Photos Courtesy: Yu-Ping Chen
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10 JUNE 15 - 21, 2011
How the Mavs finally beat the Heat by Geoff Case – NBA Analyst
In a seven-game playoff series teams must adjust to what the other team is exploiting. The Dallas Mavericks had the depth to adjust to what Miami was doing to them defensively and found a way to get open looks using ball movement. In retrospect, Miami wasn’t able to counter those adjustments because of their limited roster options and incredibly short rotation. The ball movement also wore down the Heat players because they were giving major minutes to only a few players who were having to frantically close out the slew of Maverick perimeter shooters coming off the bench. Dallas was able to neutralize LeBron James with a zone defense that earlier in the season was labeled by some experts (pre-Butler injury) as the “best zone” the league had ever seen. This caused LeBron to defer to Wade who was having more success against the zone. Playing off the ball isn’t something that James has very much experience with and it effectively took him out of most games. He received criticism for “not being aggressive” but everyone could see that he had no idea what to do without the ball in his hands. It makes sense: since childhood LeBron has been asked by his coaches to “run the show.” It totally threw off his game to defer to someone else and he had no idea how to impact the game by rebounding and getting set shots off of screens. The Heat then became one dimensional and the Mavericks could focus on stopping Wade. Mavs Coach Rick Carlisle used that zone defense in key spots (especially in the fourth quarter) so that Miami was never able to completely figure it out. Another big key to the series was that LeBron has yet to develop a post game, so the Mavericks were able to put Jason Kidd on him for long stretches without being penalized. By switching Shawn Mar-
ion over to Wade it allowed Dallas to keep giving Wade and James different looks on defense and not let them get into a rhythm. When Dallas was able to finally get those perimeter shots to start falling the Heat’s superior defense became too stretched and driving lanes began opening up for J.J. Barea. Once the Mavericks began getting lay-ups the series was over. Dallas was able to withstand the initial push from the Heat long enough to figure out how to use its wealth of personnel to wear them down. In the end the better team won, not the better players.
Top 5 playoff moments of the 2010-2011 Dallas Mavericks 1. The Flu Game.
June 7, 2011 – Game Four – NBA Finals Like a flu-ridden Michael Jordan in Game Five of the 1997 finals, Dirk Nowitzki also managed to lead his team to a pivotal victory. Nowitzki struggled through the first three quarters, then willed himself and his team at the end. He scored 10 of his 21 points and grabbed five of his 11 rebounds in the final period, lifting the Dallas Mavericks to an 86-83 victory over the Miami Heat that tied the NBA finals at two games apiece. The game was pivotal because Dirk’s teammates had to help carry him through much of the game and through sheer necessity got all those open looks Dallas was getting to start falling again. The strength and determination Nowitzki showed that night inspired his teammates for the rest of the series. Dallas would not lose another game.
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 11
June 2, 2011 – Game Two – NBA Finals Dwyane Wade may have had 36 points for Miami, but he also fired up the Mavericks who looked like they were in danger of going down 0-2. Wade hit a 3-pointer that gave the Heat an 88-73 lead with 7:15 remaining when he coldly turned with his hand raised in a gooseneck and glared at the Mavs bench. The insult provoked harsh words from Jason Terry who was suddenly awakened after struggling with his shot up until that point. Terry would go on an absolute tear the rest of the series to help propel the Mavericks to their very first title.
3. Kidd pump fakes Westbrook and nails a dagger.
May 23, 2011 – Game Four – Western Conference Finals Jason Kidd hit the go-ahead 3-pointer by pump-faking Russell Westbrook in the air and stepping up to drill a 3-pointer that put Dallas up 108-105 with 40.3 seconds left in overtime. It was the exclamation point on the Mavericks coming back from a 15-point deficit in the final five minutes of regulation to stun the Oklahoma City Thunder 112-105 and take a decisive 3-1 lead in the Western Conference Finals.
4. Dirk drops 48 on the Thunder.
May 17, 2011 – Game One – Western Conference Finals It didn’t matter whether Nowitzki was being covered by someone big or small, one guy or two. He rocked the foundation of the young Thunder squad by making 10 of his first 11 field goals, and 12 of 15 overall. He was perfect on 24 free throws, setting an NBA postseason record for most foul shots made without a miss. The Thunder threw their entire roster at Nowitzki and he never flinched. He put on a clinic showcasing his wide array of moves and torched them all. The Thunder defenders could only shake their heads, watching shot after shot gracefully pass through the nylon. Nowitzki sent a message to the Thunder that night that the rumors circulating the league were true. Dirk had become unguardable.
5. Dallas rebounds from horrific loss.
April 25, 2011 – Game Five – First Round The Mavs were fresh off blowing a 23-point lead over the final 14 minutes of Game Four. Instead of having the Trail Blazers on the brink of elimination, they’d given the Number Seven seed new hope of pulling off the upset. Dirk Nowitzki led Dallas with 25 points, 11 coming in the third quarter, when the Mavericks broke open a tight game with a 15-5 run. The Mavericks bounced back from a devastating loss and beat the Trail Blazers 93-82, proving to themselves in the process that they could win the series.
Photos Courtesy: Gregg Case, Manny Flores, Yu-Ping Chen
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2. Dwyane Wade’s gooseneck three.
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GOIN’PLACES
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 13 Out and about in DFW with Hannah Allen
Poetry is for Pu$$ies or Untitled; A really bad poem.
E
very once in a great, great while I get the itch to get involved with the poetry community here in Dallas. While a few of you might be in on this joke (i.e., “WHAT poetry ‘community’ in Dallas, lol?!”), there are some who are asking why in the world anyone would even consider something like that a valid or interesting prospect for more than about twelve seconds. Well, I’ll tell you. When I was in college I discovered my fierce devotion to lyrics mixed with music translated into a deep understanding and love of poetry. It’s pretty simple: I enjoy words of all kinds but I find myself at a disadvantage in the modern poetic community. Slam poetry eludes me, listening to metered poetry read aloud makes me cringe and my classically trained ear is far too critical for my own good. My senior year of college I did what everyone does: wrote that damn senior thesis. I found a giant anthology of American Outlaw Poetry. The Forward eloquently described an art form that belonged to the people, just like rock and roll. I found the content extremely disappointing. When you look to get started in the world of writing the first order of business is just to get your name remotely out there. You just have to sort of slum it for a while like a musician playing a dive bar for free or hitting up the Open Mic Night at Club DaDa. Well, poets have open mics, too. I acknowledge Open Mics in any form have a certain stigma. The poetry ones are by far the most stereotyped and satirized. Think berets and sunglasses with bongos. While the Beat Poets are by no means targets of criticism for a wordie like myself I, frankly, don’t think anyone can get behind a mic and morph into Allen Ginsberg. I just don’t. I don’t care how much speed you do. If you tag along with your buddy or the guy you’re seeing to hear him attempt a rendition of a Jack Johnson tune you’re more than welcome to get a drink and mingle. There are probably already guys onstage and it’s perfectly all right to rehash the last Mavs game with a random stranger because, hey, the music is loud right? If you go to a poetry Open Mic this is NOT acceptable. You have to act as though you are riveted with the person up at bat’s creative brilliance even if it’s total tripe. I went to one of these gatherings with my husband a while back. Even though I’ve sat through countless Open Mic engage-
ments for that joker he shies away from the poetic variety after attending one where a woman began a poem with, “MY PU$$Y HAS A NAME!!” In fact, this is what he shouts at me every time I even suggest we go to one. This particular Open Mic location will not be disclosed but let it be said it is a place where cigarettes can still be legally smoked indoors within the city limits. It was pretty much people in questionable clothes
and glasses clapping enthusiastically (or snapping, yes, it really happens) at whoever just finished. We stood in an intolerably long line for a very overpriced drink and then sheepishly crept out through the back door after hearing a few poets. My next attempt at one was in support of one of the most interesting people I know. We’ll call her Ray. She’s an incredibly sensual poet, though one’s initial impression of her might lead you to believe otherwise. This Open Mic is hosted by an arts organization in a coffee house. While the caliber of creativity was somewhat higher than the previous place the only words that stuck in my mind are Ray’s. I sometimes identify with the baby bird in that children’s book that goes around asking “Are you my mother?” I can’t ever figure out if it’s ok to feel that poetry isn’t an art form just anyone can engage in. It seems my experience during my senior year taught me that, at least for me, poetry exists on a page of an exquisitely bound book surrounded by silence while rock and roll exists in a world of lights and screaming for everyone to hear.
by Maria Hambright
A Teenage Girl’s Perspective
Maybe it’s not the most popular thing to admit, but there really are a few of us girly-girl teenagers left out there who really would like to find that one special Romeo. But I got to tell you, the pickin’s are getting pretty slim. Every morning we go through that grueling feminine ritual of trying to look cute… touch of makeup here, bundle of curls there, just the right clothes to show all the right curves, and all for what? So we can get ogled and pawed at by a bunch of baggy-pants wearing, grill-grinning, foul-mouthed wannabes? I don’t think so! What ever happened to normal redblooded all American hotties that know how to treat a girl? I’m not saying guys should have to go back to the old days of chivalry, but would it really hurt for teenage boys to learn how to show a little respect? Here’s a hint. How about once in a blue moon opening a door for a girl, or actually paying attention to us when we’re talking about something other than hooking up. Just walk into any public high school and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. You’ll hear more guys referred to as baby daddy than you will as boyfriend. Sure, it would be nice to be in a relationship with that guy that all the other girls seem to want, but is it really worth it? More times than not, he’ll whisper all those sweet nothings in the beginning, but once you get to know him, his little gangster side comes out whenever he’s around all his friends. He doesn’t want to seem like the Chihuahua in a pack of makebelieve Rottweilers, so he thinks he’s got to sling a cuss word at you here and there so he can keep up his bad-boy reputation. And of course, in this day and age, he can’t wear
clothes that are the right size, so he’s got to have his pants hanging off his butt and drape himself in a sloppy shirt so he can maintain that wannabe gang image. Really, guys, is this the best you can do? Is this really what you think we want to take home to introduce to Daddy? Do you really think we’re proud to get that What were you thinking? look when our parents try to figure out why their little girl picked you out of the pack? Can’t you try just a little to give us something to be proud of to take home to our parents, instead of something Dad wants to use as target practice? It’s unfortunate, but most of the high school guys I see these days are nowhere near to being on the road to becoming Real Men. Instead, they’re out stumbling around in the weeds, and the best word I can think of to describe them is just plain old weak. It seems like their idea of being ambitious is playing video games until the crack of dawn, or partying day after day and getting into trouble. Most of them would pass out if you suggested some hardcore exercise in the gym, or actually taking a girl out on a real date. Come on guys! Believe it or not, there really are a few of us Real Girls out there who would like to find a few Real Boys who want to grow up to be Real Men. Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Or should I say, “Hey, Romeo! Where the heck are you hiding?” [Editor’s note: Maria Hambright is the daughter of regular Blitz contributor Dennis Hambright, whose day job has taken him to Mexico for a couple of months. His familiar growl will be heard again in these pages within a week or two.]
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14 JUNE 15 - 21, 2011
Having been a dining-room waiter back in the States, mostly in California in the late 60s, when I went to Europe in the 70s I was shocked by the working conditions of my counterparts in France. Many worked split shifts and ten-hour shifts were not uncommon. The lot of café waiters was more wretched still. To make it worse for them, many had families at home, young families, and only one day off. In the 70s there were far fewer sidewalk cafés in New York, or even in sunny California, than we see today. In fact they were comparatively rare. But in France they were the usual thing. All the busy streets had them. Paris had the enormous kind with all the chairs facing the street so that customers could watch the passersby going and coming. I noticed that Germans, Australians, South Africans and other loud, beer-swilling peoples liked to face each other when they were drinking, and in a group, cared nothing for the people going by on the street beside. The point was to celebrate being together, being with their own kind, and comporting themselves as they would back home. Meanwhile, the café waiters flew through the narrow spaces between the tables on the terrasses, presenting customers with drinks and food, or with the bill for same, making change out of a pouch in their aprons or, in the smaller establishments, out of their pockets. Dining-room waiters have always been distant in France, perhaps more than elsewhere. There simply isn’t time to gab with the clientele, even if they have a mind to. Should the customer at a table in a good restaurant want something additional or different, it is going to be brought to him right away without comment. Café waiters are another breed. The food brought tableside on their little trays is seldom complex; the drinks are standard. These waiters seldom have to answer questions about the menu—the food available in cafés all over France is much the same, and the drinks even more so. (All cafés sell the croque-monsieur, for example.) However, the café waiter is often more curious about his clientèle than his dining-room counterpart. He will stop and chat for a bit if he
finds something of interest in the person he is serving; he will search his vast experience and give a complex answer—instead of saying any old thing and going about his business. By the way, there is no sexism in my use of “he” for café waiters. An occasional woman might serve in a restaurant but French culture demands that women are discreet in expressing interest in people they don’t know, particularly men— even when their interest is intense. Women serving in restaurants who have occasion to talk to strangers—or behind counters throughout the land—are apt to feign boredom, as if they could not possibly be surprised by anything they learned from a customer. Café waiters in France, poor devils, worked longer hours than any servers on the planet. Twelve- or fourteen-hour days were not uncommon. I’ve seen these waiters work themselves to the bone until by late evening they could manage only a flat-footed shuffle. I often asked my brethren about their work. The long hours? The money was good. The work was hard, yes, but they could afford a better life for their wives and kids by making that sacrifice. And their rapport with customers? Always real, never feigned. They didn’t stick around to hear what a customer had to say unless they were really interested. My singing gig with Nice Opera had brought me into close contact with both the inside and outside staff of certain cafés, but more mysteries of café life were revealed to me when I turned my back on the opera, and on respectability in general, and joined the ranks of the street musicians with which France was especially well-supplied back in the seventies. I didn’t often perform with them then—I didn’t become a full-time busker until Barcelona in the eighties—
but I shared the life of the French buskers, bought them meals, helped them through emergencies. Most important, I learned everything I could about their lives—heard their stories, ideas, dreams. And I learned how waiters were their support system. Take the “pizza des musiciens” which was served by a waiter named Michel in one of the better cafés of a voie piétonne in Nice (one of the pedestrian streets that honeycombed the tourist quarter). What began as a large pizza was piled high with prawns, langoustes, mussels and other seafood sufficient to make a meal for eight people— though it cost no more than the one, two tourists were sharing out on the terrasse. In other words, Michel was helping the street musicians of Nice to eat well and live a better life. This could not have been done without the connivance of the café’s owner, by the way, because it was a regular thing. In addition, many of the waiters of the tourist quarter functioned as an early warning system to alert buskers. By means I was never able to discover, word was passed whenever the flics were strolling through the tourist quarter. These flics or poulets (sometimes called “cops” even by buskers who spoke little English) always passed through in pairs. They were empowered to stop busking wherever they found it, sometimes by removing the strings of a guitar or violin. Loud brass instruments might be confiscated. Yet few of these atrocities occurred thanks to the alert waiters and their way of creating silence ahead of the strolling gendarmes no matter how fast they were moving or which way they were headed. The authority by which buskers could be persecuted by the gendarmes of France was of course the Napoleonic code which was the basis of French law. Under this code, busking was considered “mendicité déguisée,” or disguised begging. Yet in
spite of this law and the flics’ assiduous attempts to enforce it, France was home to more itinerant musicians than any country of Europe. Commedia dell’arte may have originated in Italy but in France it had been developed and refined. In practice, donations were dropped into the caps that were inverted to receive them by the buskers’ faithful female companions (“bottlers”)—or by the men or women who were working for the occasional female busker—and in Nice these were then divided up at the end of the day in a back room of the Prado, a prominent café at a nexus of pedestrian streets in the heart of the tourist quarter. All the buskers who had been working the terrasses shared their money this way, dividing up the day’s haul on the honor system. The petite monnaie (centimes) that was left when they were done was brushed off the table to be swept up by people even poorer than they. (This small change was universally known as “ratsh!t,” even by the French.) Buskers who had been working a street pitch, and taking donations directly into a music case, for example, were under no obligation to share their earnings, but they did so sometimes out of solidarity with the others. Without the café waiters to facilitate my friends’ way of life I wonder if their very real and admirable liberté, égalité and fraternité would have been possible. As to whether bohemian society of the sort I describe still exists in Nice, I’ve been too discouraged by the oppression of street musicians in Paris and elsewhere—the oppression of poor people in general all over the world—to try to find out. Yet it changed my life once to know that it was possible at all. Of course long years of American-style materialism and comfort have made a coward of me. I was an active busker for three years in the early eighties and for nearly a year again in ’87. It was very hard to keep it up when I didn’t really need the money. Still, as long as the beautiful old areas at the heart of European cities are not made off-limits to people who fail a means test, talented people who are needy for the nonce will be rubbing up against curious, wealthy tourists and some form of the bonhommie I remember might revive.
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 15
Being a young man working in an office day after a day, some sexy things can happen. Sometimes you hook up with that slutty receptionist and your stories become that of office legend. Sometimes you hook up with that slutty water delivery guy, and you keep those stories to your damn self. And sometimes you work with a group of women who will never find a singles bar dark enough to get laid in, but you bang one of them anyway. You did this because over time, they became ‘Office Hot.’ The average work day in cubicle land is eight hours. This is done five days a week, fifty weeks a year, and this doesn’t count weekend projects or putting in extra hours to meet deadlines. A dedicated employee can very likely see his co-workers more than they see their family. Now no matter how foolishly dedicated a man can be to his job, he’s still a man with needs. Dirty needs. (If you could see me right now I’ve got a creepy grin on my face and am making a thrusting motion.)
Women that couldn’t get a drink thrown at them in a bar start to look like Dakota Fanning with a fake I.D. if a person is exposed to them long enough. Much like Chinese water torture— excuse me—ChineseAmerican water torture, repeated views of the same co-worker will eventually break a man into doing anything. Optimistically it can be said the man began to see his female co-worker’s inner beauty and was attracted to that. Realistically, the cutesy dry spell is turning into a full-on drought, and all his ex-girlfriends on FaceBook have their relationship status listed as “I’m never going to touch you again.” At this point everyone’s favorite cat lady in the Accounts Receivable department is magically transformed into a doggystyle candidate via the spell of Office Hot. The tricky thing about this phenomenon is how it sneaks up on you. In many ways it’s like
being in prison. Sure, on the first day of lockup you’ll probably be disgusted by the advances of your new cellmate, the saucy Puerto Rican wearing cut-off shorts and mascara. Two years later... you might be flattered when he gives you a Valentine’s Day card made out of a carton of cigarettes. A carton of cigarettes which, ironically, were used to “purchase” him in the first place. What I’m saying is, when a man’s options are limited he can resort to some crazy things. One time I had mono and I was sick in bed for weeks. During the same period of time I was
having a misunderstanding with the cable company about whether or not naked pictures of me would count as payment. Suffice to say, I was bedridden with only a scrambled weather channel as entertainment. Still, to this day I can’t hear the phrase “heat wave from the south” without my pants tightening. Just like any farmer will tell you: “Behind every great man may be a great woman, but when that woman is visiting her sister a cow can keep a secret.” The job needs to get done folks and sometimes it’s not pretty. Everybody would like their first pick in the bedroom, but in the darkest of times you soldier up, think sexy thoughts, and see if you can make a “Moo” sound like “More.”
by Jesse Whitman
The indignity begins with the harried and anxious ambiance of the check-in area—a portent of the unpleasant hours of travel to follow. The nickel and dime approach to budget travel that the airlines have been forced to adopt will only increase your frustration and blood pressure. “You actually want to bring your underwear with you? Well that will be a $25 surcharge today, and how will you be paying?” Now that you are checked in you must run the TSA gauntlet and submit with a smile to the draconian security theater measures that only congest progress and degrade you as a person. If only you could be promised the same sweet release of a pneumatic bolt to the brain that cattle enjoy on the way to the abattoir. Instead you are forced to turn out your belongings for examination and explosives swabbing, before being x-rayed into nakedness. And the disingenuousness of the sweet voice on the PA ensuring your privacy and the professionalism of your TSA agents is
enough to set my Glenn Beck Nazi alarm off any day… And guys, I have seen you jacking it through your pockets to obtain half-mast and impress the “man” behind the screen. Have you ever stopped to think that this is ridiculous and unnecessary? And none of these procedures provide the minimal amount of protection against the anally armed terrorist assault. Not to scare you or anything, but a fudge packing Al-Qaida with colorectally secreted C4 is still a very real possibility… Well, here we are…through security and hastily redressing as if we had just had quickie sex in the back of a 7-Eleven. Now it’s time to run the concourse obstacle course on the way to our gate…a veritable salmon run upstream against a torrent of disembarking vacationers, non-ambulant geriatrics in beeping carts, and the disorienting signs of inauthentic shops peddling last minute holiday trinkets. You get to the gate…and wait. And wait…and wait…People-watching… Sizing up your fellow miserable travelers. Boarding begins and you are subjected to the socio-economic hierarchy of travel economics… “We are delighted to board our premium sh!t-doesn’t-stink travelers before the rest of you vomit-encrusted peasants queue up for your cross-country flight packed like sardines in seats designed by the most misanthropic, scoliosis cursed-engineers we could find. F*ck you…and have
“Rawest Cat in the Game”
“A Woman’s Perspective”
a nice flight.” Relegated to our torture seats and capitulating to the roulette wheel of taxiing where it could be five or fifty-five minutes before take-off, you are strapped in and suspending disbelief that, in the event of a water landing, anyone at all will be left alive. You are tired, annoyed, and uncomfortable as you take to the air… Even the promise of a Shangri-La destination—forget that you are actually going to Detroit—cannot buoy your spirits. The infant in the row ahead of you is screaming as if someone is shoving red hot pins under its fingernails. It’s obvious that your flight attendant is pi$$ed at his boyfriend and is taking it out on all of you, passively-aggressively crop-dusting as he moves about the cabin. And the fat spillage from the morbidly obese man sitting next to you has you feverishly perusing SkyMall in the hopes that they sell a carry-on fat-spillage blocker device. Flying sucks. What amazes me is that despite all of this, there are no better offerings of moodmodulating substances offered on flights. Arguably, this is one of the more uncomfortable experiences we all must endure at some point or other and Chardonnay or Scotch just won’t cut it. So, for the record, and for airline profitability, merge Delta and Pfizer and cross-train my flight attendant in pharmacy so I can get a goddamn Vicodin-Valium cocktail with my sh!tty bag of peanuts.
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by Brad LaCour
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16 JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 by Jack E. Jett
“Jett Streams”
Which is harder, Rory. Being a documentarian or being a Kennedy? Well, I’ve never known anything other than being a Kennedy. So that’s not really a conflict for me. I have an incredible family that I grew up with and feel very lucky to have been surrounded by such extraordinary people, and to be a part of this family. And to be the hippie chick of the family. [She accepts this characterization.] Which one of your video films has won the most awards? Ghosts Of Abu Ghraib won a Prime Time Emmy for Best Documentary Film. So that’s probably the biggest award. And I executive-produced a film called Street Fight that was nominated for an Academy Award Oscar. The problem with Ghosts Of Abu Ghraib was that they broadcast it about three months after I finished it. So it went to Sundance and then it didn’t go to any other festivals or really have much of a theatrical life, because they really wanted to get it on television quickly. So it really didn’t have an opportunity to get out there in the world other than through television. Which is great, because television obviously reaches the widest audience. I hear from people who make documentaries that you can set out to make a documentary with one story in your mind, but when you get into making the film, the story can completely change. Do you find that to be the case? Absolutely. Some of my best documentaries have changed direction pretty radically in the making of them. That was certainly true with Ghosts of Abu Ghraib as well as American Hollow. I made another film called A Boy’s Life… They all changed direction as I was making them. Which one of your documentaries are you most proud of? I would say probably Ghosts of Abu Ghraib. And which one is your husband most proud of? I think he’s most proud of Ghosts of Abu Ghraib. You know, I think American Hollow is always going to have a special place in my heart. And he’s worked on many of my films, including both of those. He’s a very talented story writer. But I think that was my first feature-length film. The first film for HBO. It went to Sundance. It was the first one with a theatrical release. So for me
it was like a major breakthrough into another level of filmmaking. And you know I loved the story. What are your favorite documentaries by other documentary-makers? I often like political documentaries. I like a lot of Michael Moore’s films and I’m really a big fan of Barbara Kopple’s documentaries over the years. Films like An Inconvenient Truth have had enormous impact. That film has really changed the way we in this country and people all over the world think about the environment. On the flip side, what did you think about Grey Gardens? I loved Grey Gardens. I really did. I thought it was a brilliant film. I haven’t seen the musical, but I’d love to, and I think that David and Albert Maysles are just wonderfully talented fellows. Okay, last few questions. Where did you meet your hubby? I met my husband, Mark Bailey, in Washington, D.C. He was at Georgetown, going to graduate school and I was making a short film about needle exchange programs and AIDS prevention. It was love at first sight, for me anyway. It took him a little bit longer but he came around. So you live in Brooklyn. What’s the coolest thing about living there? Our community is very family-friendly and family-oriented. It’s close enough to New York that you can get in there pretty quickly. But it also really has a neighborhood feel. We have a lot of close friends that live there near us, who moved there together, and we’re all raising our families together. So we feel very lucky. Do you go to the theater a lot? I don’t, I’m sorry to say. But I have these three kids. So it’s very hard to go out to movies at this point. I maybe do two or three times a year. [JETT STREAMS airs on Wednesday and Friday from 4 to 6 p.m. on rationalbroadcasting.com]
by Richard S. Pollak
“The Traveling Gourmet”
goat cheese ravioli and roasted garlic in a THE BEST 475 CALORIES very light basil tomato broth. The ravioli YOU’LL EVER EAT! I found my restaurant—and the only word was so paper-thin yet firm that you could for it is excellent! Every course on the discern every ingredient gently stuffed menu is only 475 calories or less. Don’t inside. Seasons 52’s secret is to cause each worry, the complex notes of flavors and bite to explode with flavor thanks to wellmatched seasonings. Each tastes very much come bite of every dish we tried forward in each and every was mouthwatering. dish! From the sea, we then From the moment had large caramelized sea that you enter Seasons 52 scallops with a tomatoRestaurant at the Shops mushroom pearl pasta, of Legacy in Frisco, all perfectly grilled. For the newest concept in our sixth course we were the Darden Restaurant served a trio of lamb chops Empire, you will be covered in a red wine glaze mesmerized. The décor is styled in beautiful, lush dark woods with truffled potatoes. The meat was falland smoke glass. A contemporary oval- off-the bone tender, meaty and a flavorful shaped cocktail bar sits right in the middle cut that I had never experienced before. I of a comfortable lounge with the piano would certainly put those lamb chops on player crooning right in the middle of the my all time top ten list. Both were served bartenders at night. A wall of wine selected with perfectly grilled asparagus, my new by a top, nationally-accredited sommelier go-to veggie. entices you to indulge in something to For our seventh and final course, our server left us the entire DAMN Mini drink. Executive Chef/Partner Ryan Indulgence rack of the nine selections of Fletcher greeted us at our table with an individual classic desserts. Each consisted impressive seven-course masterpiece of of three bites of sheer delight such as the restaurant’s offerings. We sat down Chocolate Peanut Butter Mousse, Key with an amuse-bouche (a small tasting to Lime Pie, Meyer Lemon Pound Cake, stimulate the taste buds) then started the Belgian Chocolate Rocky Road, Pecan evening of calorie-counting bliss. The Pie and Cookies & Cream. Instead of just starter that awaited our arrival was the choosing a few, my family indulged in all chef’s seasonal flat bread, which easily of them. When my sister returned for her fed four! It was garlic chicken with onion, birthday dinner at Seasons 52, they served red peppers and mozzarella on a crust that eight of these ever-changing flavors of would be the envy of New Yorkers! The three bites of delight in a circular frame third course was Mediterranean artichoke- with a lit candle in the middle as they sang stuffed artichoke leaves with arugula, Happy Birthday. They need to build more of these Parmesan cheese and a balsamic glaze. Our fourth course featured the lightest restaurants because reservations are a must in order to pasta course in indulge in 475 memory. It was Seasons 52 calories or less! made with housemade Sonoma 7300 Lone Star Dr. Suite C100, Plano – 75024
PH: 972-312-8852 • www.seasons52.com
HORRORSCOPES
FUNNIES
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 21)
You claim you are not a number but a free man. You’re free alright, with lots of free time, but you’re still a number. Just remember to file for unemployment.
Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call? A: “Has the blonde left yet?”
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
It seems like another boring weekend around the house. Unless of course you live in Plano at 4440 Early Morn Drive…
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: What do you call a hooker with no legs? A: A nightcrawler. Lost At Sea Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twelve hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them. After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, “I wish the ocean was made of beer!” Magically, the ocean turns to beer. Infuriated, the other guy yells, “Way to go a$$hole! Now we have to pi$$ in the boat!”
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JOKES
JUNE 15 - 21, 2011 17
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) ACROSS:
1. Streamlets 6. Circle fragments 10. Grime 14. German submarine 15. Have the nerve 16. Brainstorm 17. Give-and-take 19. Leak slowly 20. Ancient ascetic 21. Turf 22. A hollow in a cliff 23. Street urchin 25. Double agents 26. Picnic insects 30. Bumpy 32. Cat suit 35. British soldier 39. Carport 40. Reddish brown 41. Artist’s workroom 43. Not a substitute 44. Acid neutralizer 46. Small city 47. Piece of cake 50. Critical 53. Fluff from a dryer
54. Trangression 55. Cows 60. Decorative case 61. Maternity 63. Sassy 64. Margarine 65. Any inedible fruit with a hard rind 66. Tall woody plant 67. Richly adorn 68. Exceed
DOWN:
1. Impolite 2. Nile bird 3. Not a win 4. Shoestring 5. Pierced 6. Commercials 7. Dried grape 8. Bing Crosby was one 9. Transmit 10. Fluster 11. Model 12. One of the Canterbury pilgrims 13. Cassettes
18. Ocean 24. Muck 25. TV, radio, etc. 26. Seaweed 27. Tidy 28. Ripped 29. It hangs in a cave 31. Sleeveless garment 33. Nimble 34. Smell 36. Not deceived by 37. Once again 38. Mountain pool 42. A pasta dish 43. Seat oneself 45. Door frame part 47. Dozed 48. Metric unit of capacity 49. Become accustomed (to) 51. Expert 52. Slow 54. Urban haze 56. You (archaic) 57. Boast 58. God Almighty 59. Cocoyam 62. Coal carrier
Though you’ve been telling everyone that you “went down on a boatload of sailors,” the aircraft carrier Lexington is actually a “ship.”
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
The stars indicate success for you, but they do so knowing there’s a black hole out there to cover any possible alternatives.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You will make religious and scientific history when you develop a machine that converts standard English measurements to Zen.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Sunday will provide those who know you a perfect opportunity to marvel at how correctly Dante had foretold the fate of moneylenders.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Sagittarius would like to take this opportunity to point out that it was right about the unrest in Libya.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You will be hailed as a Catholic genius when you invent a new rhythm that’s 45 percent effective in preventing non-predestined pregnancies.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your attempt to “run with the big dogs” results in an array of bite wounds, a flaming case of rabies and a stay at the SPCA.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
The events of next Saturday will cast doubts on the adage that a bad day fishing in the Trinity River is better than a good day at work.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
You will score a ton of free advertising when your prostitution bust is televised on Fox 4 News.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
You’ve lost your enthusiasm. You’re unsure if it was “damp” or “dampened.”
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18 JUNE 15 - 21, 2011
SPERM DONOR
Dear BLITZbudsman: One of the rea-
sons I’m writing is it will be good for business but my service should also be a winwin for the would-be mom who is willing to look beyond her partner to one with my proven intelligence and safe DNA. No longer does that special childless person have to wonder “why not me?” I am presently averaging 1.2 conceptions per coition and this is not because my seed is yielding three-armed or three-legged children. Twins! Fertility drugs are never used and there is always a fertility workup before a womb is targeted. Furthermore, no woman will be assisted without a letter from a physician stating a probable cause for her sterility. If there are no disqualifying factors, and the candidate is able to conceive, abortion will take place only to save her life. Also, only women from high-quality home environments will be fertilized; i.e., places where superior nutrition and tooth care, famouslabel clothing and one-person-per-room lodging are provided. One FAQ regards race-mixing or miscegenation. Every one of my free-swimming spermatozoa comes with a guarantee of disease-free Anglo-Saxon paternity! Now you will ask, how will this sperm be delivered? Is a test-tube baby on offer here? No! We believe that a laboratory atmosphere can damage a baby’s ability to enjoy life. After many successful inseminations we realize the importance of loud pleasurenoises to ensure a favorable outcome. All inseminations will therefore take place in sound-insulated rooms at our world headquarters to prevent eavesdropping by nonrelatives. Because you cannot guarantee the soundproofing of your own facilities, we do incall only. Special reassurances are freely given. Your sperm will be delivered to soothing tunes of your own choosing in a darkened
room by a lively MAN wearing a surgical MASK. Husbands of candidates will watch by widescreen television or, if preferred, by peephole. Care will be taken not to stimulate the female unnecessarily, so that the only contact between candidate and donor will be procreative. The room is then available for the husband to continue the coition in his customary way, which has been found to increase the chance of a successful outcome. Before their appointment candidates are advised to watch that section of the film The Big Lebowski where Maude Lebowski, played by Julianne Moore, assumes the correct posture to ensure insemination after copulating with the character known as “the Dude,” played by Jeff Bridges. You will notice that I am supplying no contact information. Knowledge of my service is all I seek. Childless women, there is a way! –Odds on my side
Dear Odds: An alert assistant followed you to your “world headquarters” after hand-delivery of your preposterous advert. Any attempt on your part to copulate with anyone or anything will result in something like Armageddon for those free-swimming spermatozoa of yours. You are clearly a nutjob (no pun intended) and no matter how desperately certain of our readers might desire offspring, any who attempt to contact you through us will be escorted to the site of the proposed insemination by goons of our choosing, who will then do an extensive workup on your target arms and legs—unless you have correctly understood the danger and hightailed it out of town. Please note that both the “special childless person” and her husband are likely to be present, if possible wielding baseball bats. Inability to conceive is calamitous for a lot of couples: any who respond to your offer would have to be desperate and would already have lived through much sadness and frustration (you have been warned). As for your claim of “proven intelligence and safe DNA,” we doubt you have ever been involved with one of your “candidates” post-insemination, and that goes for the other women in your life. Knaves like you never stick around to see the damage done by their genetic endowments. As for your claims of intelligence, your letter proclaims you to be an obsessed idiot. Desist or die! Write to the BLITZbudsman at blitzbudsman@blitzweekly.com