blitzweekly.com
VOL. 2 - ISSUE 8
Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 3
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Blitz Music: Tinted Windows 5 UNT / SMU / TCU Previews 6 College Midnight Madness 7 Fantasy Football Insight 8 COVER STORY: Texas/OU Rivalry History 9 RRR Preview 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Melissa 12 7 Most Overrated Virtues 13 State Fair Fried Food 14 State Fair Car Show 15 Top 10 Pro Athlete Reality Shows 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: The Urinal Problem 18 PUBLISHER / EDITOR Kelly Reed CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Damien William Mayfield PHOTOGRAPHERS Ronnie Baker, Darryl Briggs, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Brandon Uhr CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS David Goodspeed, Manny Flores CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, David Goodspeed, Andrew J. Hewett, Richard Hunter, Frank LaCosta, Jason Miller, Pat Moran, Richard Pollak, Craig Smith, Sybil Summers, Eddie Stephens, Joe Stumpo and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed SALES REPRESENTATIVES Johnny Horton, Patrick Marshall CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 972-663-9339 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “I have found that the players who have played in that game really do have respect for their adversaries.” – Darrell Royal
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
University of Florida Has Plan Ready GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- No one expects a zombie apocalypse. But the University of Florida is making sure officials are ready for a night of the living dead, just in case. The school has a plan for responding to the undead on its Web site among outlines for dealing with hurricanes and pandemics. The exercise lays out how university officials would respond to attacks by “flesh-
Couple Had Sex in Cop Car: Witness
eating, apparently life impaired individuals.” It notes that a zombie outbreak might include “documentation of lots of strange moaning.” A University of Florida spokesman says the exercise was written by an employee at the school’s academic technology office to “add a little bit of levity” to disaster preparation discussions.
DARWIN, Australia - Arrested, drunk and together in the back of a police wagon: the perfect setting for love. A motorist says she saw a couple having intimate relations while an oblivious policeman drove them through traffic, according to Australia’s Northern Territory News. The unnamed couple was under arrest for public drunkenness and was being taken to jail. “It was a red light and I had to sit behind the paddy wagon for a few minutes,” said 18-year-old Hannah Walker. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw them just going for it.” She said she saw a man lying on top of a woman, and although their clothes were on, she could tell by their movements what they were doing. Police did not confirm everything Walker saw, but admitted officers in the front of the wagon can’t see everything happening in the back. Senior Sgt. Daniel Shean has launched an investigation with the officers involved. “They said they did see the couple kissing but did not see any nudity or anything to indicate they were having sex,” he said.
HE SHOULD’VE KEPT IT IN HIS NOSE, WHERE IT BELONGED A Hong Kong court heard Cheung Yunfuk, 33, explain he had been unable to control his right thumb since childhood, and that was the only reason he had pinched a woman’s bottom helping her from a cab. WOULDN’T IT BE BETTER IF THEY GATHERED AT CRIMES? Perhaps more of a joke than letter-ofthe-law, the city of Downy, California, has on its books a law that no two, or more, police officers may gather at any one doughnut store or stand. THIS GUY GOT REALLY BURNED UP The first execution by electrocution was carried out in 1889, on convicted murderer William Kemmler of Buffalo, New York. For such an exciting event, even the condemned man seemed to look forward to it. When the switch was finally thrown, the only screams of pain were heard from the warden and witnesses (two passed out). When Mr. Kemmler’s body jumped after the first jolt, another was applied, then all motion ceased. During the aftermath of the “shocking”, the executioner forgot and left the power on for 70 minutes, scorching deep etches into the flesh of the deceased.
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4 Oct. 14 - 20, 2009
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE BLITZREVIEWS with Vince Vaughn
Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !
Vivian Fullerlove
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
Ain’t love grand! Vince Vaughn’s new film Couples Retreat follows four Midwestern couples who embark on a journey to a tropical island resort. While one of the couples is there to work on their marriage, the other three set out to jet ski, spa and enjoy some fun in the sun. They soon discover that participation in the resort’s couple’s therapy is not optional. Suddenly, their group-rate vacation comes at a price. What follows is a hilarious look at real world problems faced by all couples. We caught up with Vaughn, who also wrote and produced the film, to talk about their exotic location for the film and his inspiration for one of the movie’s most talked about scenes. First of all, let me just put it out there that I am so jealous! You guys got to spend weeks in a tropical paradise having a great time every day and getting paid for it. You can’t go to a place like Bora Bora and then complain about it afterwards because it’s ultimately just kind of like uptown problems. You know what I mean? A bunch of Hollywood people come back and are like “It was so tough to get anything shipped in there.” It’s like, “poor you jumping out of your villa into the ocean.” The place is beautiful. It really is.
“ Going Back to Cali!”
By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
Rule #1: Cardio. Rule #2: Double-Tip. Rule #3: Seatbelts. Rule #4: Beware of bathrooms. Such are the rules college loner Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) lives by, and many others when it comes to surviving in a world overrun by zombies. Along with a gun-toting redneck named Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) and a pair of older and younger sisters who happen to be con-artists (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin), the four are off to Hollywood, California to take refuge at an amusement park where word has it, the area is zombie free. We know otherwise. What works here is the screenplay by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick that offers a lot of comedic quick wit that Jennifer’s Body so desperately needed.
PICK OF THE WEEK
There’s one character in the movie that everyone is talking about, the yoga instructor. What was your inspiration when writing that character’s scenes? I had a girlfriend take me to a yoga class, and I was thinking “really, this is normal?” Because this gentleman was like dry humping these girls and holding their necks kind of weird, and they were all just listening and wanting to make sure they were doing it right. I sort of felt like I was in the twilight zone. So, in that moment, I thought that would be a fun scene to put in a movie one day and I finally got to do it with this one. I think anyone who has ventured into this realm of spiritual tranquility has also experienced the creepy yoga guy. You conquered one of your big fears while filming this movie, didn’t you? We did go into the water with some real sharks. Growing up in the Midwest, the lake is a nice time for me, but the ocean is a mystical place that I don’t belong. I remember seeing JAWS like a lot of kids when I was really young, and I was scared of the swimming pool. I know there’s water and there’s this huge thing that eats people, and I don’t care if there’s salt or no salt, I’m not taking any chances. So for me, it was kind of a big deal. I was nervous to get in the water with the sharks. Then I got comfortable with them. I’m glad I did it, but it’s not something I would seek out to do all the time. It was nice though to get a chance to do that and to scuba dive and see them. Why should people go see Couples Retreat? The fun of this movie I think is that we take those regular situations that everyone deals with and we find a really fun environment and exceptional circumstances to play those things out in a comedic way. I also think the movie has some real hope and optimism to it in a really smart way which is one of the great things about the film. Couples Retreat is playing in theatres nationwide. The film is rated PG 13 for sexual content and language. Guys this is a great movie, it’s not just a chick flick. Jon Favreau, Jason Bateman and Faizon Love provide more than enough testosterone to make it enjoyable for men too. For all of this week’s new releases, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas Programming Tab!
By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
Forget the unnecessary remake out in theaters now, which is the equivalent of watching a two hour season premiere of American Idol. Director Alan Parker’s 1980 original received six Oscar nominations in 1981 winning two for best score and best song and inspired a television series lasting six seasons. Unlike today’s world where it seems anyone can try out on American Idol to become a star overnight, Parker’s version proves there really is a need for a New York High School for the Performing Arts for talented students who need guidance in hopes of one day achieving fame.
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Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 5
Tinted Windows is not your ordinary rock super group. An all-star band, the ensemble consists of guitarist James Iha, previously of The Smashing Pumpkins, singer Taylor Hanson of Hanson, bassist Adam Schlesinger of Fountains of Wayne and Ivy, and Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick. Their self-titled release is clearly this year’s finest example of the lost art of Power Pop; bringing back the days when Cheap Trick and Elvis Costello ruled the airwaves and sold out arenas. I was lucky enough to catch the band before one of their shows, which can be quite a challenge to pull together with the members’ busy schedules. “We have a master calendar and when there’s an empty spot, here we are” says drummer Bun E. Carlos
who had the day off from his current Cheap Trick / Def Leppard/ Poison tour. When asked how the band came together, James Iha chimes in, “I know Adam because Smashing Pumpkins and Fountains of Wayne toured together in ‘97 and that was right around the time Taylor’s band was releasing their first record.” Turning to Bun E, he says, “We played shows together, right?” Bun E replies casually, “Yeah, we opened for you guys in ‘95.” James immediately responds lightheartedly, “Man, we should have opened for you.” Tracks such as the first single “Kind Of a Girl,” the stunningly gorgeous “Back With You,” and the undeniably catchy “Messing With My Head” are songs that only a certain breed of musician can write and come around only when the Power Pop stars are perfectly aligned. They are nestled into a record of pure Pop Rock genius. Like Cheap Trick with their masterpiece In Color in 1979, Tinted Windows have crafted a true gem in every sense. After singing a line from the song “Nothing To Me” in my best a cappella karaoke voice, James jokingly asks if I want to sing. Adam offers up “Taylor actually wrote that song in the studio while we were working on overdubs. He just went to the piano for a couple of hours and came out
by: Jason Miller
jsnmiller@mac.com
and said, ‘Check this out.’ Curious to know what these guys currently listen to, I ask what’s on their playlists. Bun E sits up and pulls music reviews from his wallet, clipped from magazines. “I have a shopping list. I carry this stuff around with me. Imogen Heap, I saw her on Late Night.” Adam adds, “I just got the new Brendan Benson record that I like.” Without hesitation, Taylor quips, “Chester French, Fleet Foxes, I like the new Wilco record.” James, who has been constantly cracking jokes throughout the interview in the style of Steven Wright, says, “I can’t think of anything new but I did just download a bunch of old Elvis Costello tracks.” Is there going to be another Tinted Windows record? Adam replies, “I would love to do another record, I mean I hope we do. It might be a little while since we might be moving into a Hanson album cycle and a new Fountains of Wayne next year. James has a solo record (to be released next year). At least for me, now that we have a sense of what the band is, it might be easier to keep writing for it and maybe we will find some time to do another record.” James sarcastically replies, “We might do a Christmas record.”
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Your New Favorite Supergroup
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MUSIC: Tinted Windows 1. Kind of a Girl
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
2. Messing With My Head
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
3. Dead Serious
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
4. Can’t Get a Read On You
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
5. Back With You
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
6. Without Love
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
7. Cha Cha
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
8. We Got Something
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
9. Doncha Wanna
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
10. Take Me Back
Tinted Windows - Tinted Windows
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6 Oct. 14 - 20, 2009
- Craig Smith
- Craig Smith
- Eddie Stephens
- Frank LaCosta
Florida Atlantic vs North Texas
Navy vs SMU
Colorado State vs (12)TCU
(22)
The Mean Green are coming off a heartbreaking 38-34 loss to LouisianaLafayette. They now have a 13 game losing streak in Sun Belt play. Two of UNT’s losses have come in the closing moments. Sophomore Lance Dunbar had a monster night with 187 yards rushing and four TDs. Riley Dodge threw for 209 yards and had three interceptions. The Mean Green had 4 turnovers in an 11 minute span with an interception and a blocked punt returned for touchdowns. The Owls are 0-4 this season with losses to Nebraska and South Carolina. Coming off a bye week and a 30-28 loss to Wyoming in which Cortez Gent became school’s all time leader in receptions with 140. The Owls have been to and won bowl games the last two seasons. They have a strong passing game with quarterback Rusty Smith but their defense has some holes. This is a winnable game for UNT if they play mistake free football.
SMU is coming off a 28-21 win over defending Conference USA champion East Carolina. They are now 2-0 in conference games which is their best start in conference play since 1986. The defense blocked two field goals, one of which was run back 63 yards for a touchdown by Bryan McCann. Bo Levi Mitchell hooked up with Aldrick Robinson for a 96 yard touchdown pass tying a SMU record for longest pass play set by Craig James. Rock Dennis had a 53 yard interception for a touchdown. They will face Navy who is coming off a 63-14 drubbing of Rice. Quarterback Ricky Dobbs rushed for 4 touchdowns and only threw the ball three times. The Midshipmen are dangerous on the ground averaging 270.33 yards a game which is sixth highest in the nation. The two schools are playing for the Ganz Trophy named for late coaching legend Frank Ganz who coached at both schools and passed away in April. This game will be a shoot out.
The Horned Frogs are off to a 5-0 start and 1-0 in conference play. There is nothing standing in their to move up in the rankings and to compete as one the top football programs in the country. They are coming off a 20-17 win against Air Force, and a team that has the nation’s second best rushing attack, or at least did. The weather was icy, but quarterback Andy Dalton and the Frogs managed to withstand the frigid conditions and come away with the win. They will now take on the Colorado State Rams, who are 3-3 and have yet to win a conference game. They won their first three and have lost their last three. The Rams have Senior QB Grant Stucker leading them. He’s put up some pretty good numbers, but is prone to throwing interceptions. Leonard Mason is the main back. WR Dion Morton has snagged four TDs on the year. The Horned Frogs should plan on getting another victory and their goal of a championship could become reality.
Spurrier finally got the monkey off his back with last week’s win over Kentucky. The “ol’ ball coach” will need to have plenty of tricks up his sleeve to beat Alabama. South Carolina has a serviceable helmsman in QB Stephen Garcia. He’s been warming up with 5 TDs in the past two games. Kenny Miles and Jarvis Giles will get the carries. Senior Moe Brown is a favorite passing target. The Crimson Tide moved to the # 2 spot this week and are playing great defense. Junior QB Greg McElroy plays within his talents and only has one pick this season while throwing nine TDs. Sophomore RB Mark Ingram is something special. He has 659 yards on the ground so far with seven TDs and no fumbles. He’s also caught 17 passes for 163 yards and three TDs. TE Colin Peak is the safety valve. Nick Saban will have the team well prepared and the Crimson Tide should win a close one at home.
Sat. Oct 17 – 7pm – T V: Sun Belt Network @ Fouts Field
Sat. Oct 17 – 7pm – T V: NA @ Gerald Ford Stadium
Sat. Oct 17 – 3pm –T V: Versus HD @ Amon G. Carter Stadium
S. Carolina vs (2)Alabama
Sat. Oct 17 – 6:45pm – T V: ESPN @ Bryant-Denny Stadium
Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 7
On October 16 Midnight Madness begins for college basketball. This is the first day that teams can begin to practice for the 2009-2010 season. The festivities usually consist of an introduction of the teams both men and women, a dunk and/or a three point shooting contest, and a short scrimmage. All this usually takes a little over an hour. The word madness is taken to different extremes depending on the school and it’s history. For some schools it’s a big deal and yet for others it means nothing. I just returned home from a vacation to Kentucky and witnessed first hand how important this is to some die hard fans. The University of Kentucky was set to distribute tickets for the event on Saturday October 3 at six in the morning. On
Wednesday of that week people of all ages began to camp out in their tents for three nights to be the first people to get these tickets. Being an alumn of the school, I was not surprised to hear this especially with the hiring of new head coach John Calipari and having the number one incoming recruiting class in the nation. I was not expecting to see what I saw when I drove by campus that Wednesday afternoon. It was reported that 222 tents were set up for camping that day. I drove by the next two days and each day there were more tents set up. After wrapping around the whole building, tents began to go up across the street. It was like a little city of its own. People sitting in chairs, playing games, or tossing a football. Members of the team came by from time
Cowboys Beat KC, Now a Bye Week The Cowboys hung in there for a 26-20 victory in Kansas City to go to 3-2 and now they look forward to the bye week. With this victory everyone should be happy, right? Well you know darn well everyone’s not happy with the performance on Sunday! How about the good. Tony Romo had a very good game as he threw for 351 yards, 2 TDs and no turnovers. An excellent game under any microscope. Miles Austin set a single game receiver yardage record as he caught 10 for 250 yards. This broke the old mark of 247 yards set by Hall of Famer Bob Hayes. Miles made some very nice catches, but it was the run after catch that allowed him to be so productive. His speed makes him different than others. It was a needed performance by a team that allowed a bad team to stay close, gain their confidence and take Dallas to the over time period. Kansas City was, and is a bad team that once again proved the standard old line that any team can beat another on any given day. Especially if you don’t play as well as you are capable. Two turnovers in the first half lead to 10 points for KC and that was enough to go in at half time with a lead for the first time this year. Dallas’ defense shut down the Chiefs until the last drive of regulation 7 / Ê/ -/ ,-Ê , t
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The Coach - Joe Avezzano
when they allowed the Chiefs to go the length of the field with under two minutes to tie the game. The Cowboys had 12 penalties, two turnovers and the mistakes were spread throughout the team. Offense had false starts, defense couldn’t line up onsides and special teams fumbled a punt. With all these things happening it is no wonder why the team was thrilled by the win. They get a win, have a lot to work on, get a break in the action and are 3-2. They still are not a good team. They still are not a bad team. So everyone is happy, right? Not so fast my friend! Penalties, accountability, finishing the game, enthusiasm etc., will all be questioned this week. Such is life in the NFL. No one is ever happy. But it sure is fun to debate and argue over this team and it will continue this week. What about this week? You will hear about practicing fundamentals and getting better, but the truth is there will be a few practices, 3-4 at the most and then a long weekend off. All this is to get healthy. Anyone with any bruise or hurt will get time off from practice to heal. Young guys will get some more work but really this week is to gear down off the grind of the season.
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Midnight Madness Hits College Campuses
Sportsologist - Craig Smith
to time to show their appreciation for their fans loyalty. John Calipari even showed up a few times to hand out food and drinks to the campers. By Friday there were over 400 tents and who knows how many people waiting for the Saturday morning distribution of tickets. The shocker of the week was Friday night when Calipari decided he would put up a tent and camp out with these people. He didn’t quite make it all night but did pose for pictures and sign autographs to the delight of everyone. It took only 45 minutes for the 24,000 tickets to be given out with only two allowed per person. I am a sports nut but have never sacrificed 72 hours just to watch a 1 hour practice. Amazing.
Turco Must Win!
The Hockey Guy
NY Giants vs NO Saints Sunday, Oct 18 – NOON – Superdome – FOX
The battle between two undefeated teams are a must see. Sure Eli is fighting through some pain but this team will rally behind him. The Giants D has been stout all season. Brees and company are coming off a bye week and will be well rested. Their high octane offense will be hitting on all cylinders. The Saints D is playing well.
- Richard S. Pollak (6)
Two years ago, Dallas Stars number #1 Goalie Marty Turco was named one of the 100 most influential men in ice hockey by the Hockey News. Today, Turco didn’t even make it as one of the top 5 goalies in the Pacific Division. In order for the Stars to go anywhere into the playoffs, this season, Turco must win. At 34, he is in the last year of his $5.7 million dollar per year, no trade contract, that makes him the second highest paid player on the roster, eighth highest paid goalie in the league and a free agent at the end of the season. Backup goaltender Alex Auld gave the Dallas Stars their best performance of the season in their first victory as he stopped 21 of 23 saves against the previously unbeaten Calgary Flames in the Pacific Northwest. Auld looks to be the backup goaltender that the Stars did not have in their organization last year. Turco is now projected to play in 10-15 less games this season because of Auld. The Stars look ahead to their first test of the season against an Eastern Conference powerhouse in the Boston Bruins. The Bruins boast All-Stars: Netminder Tim Thomas, 6 ft – 8 inch Defenseman Zdeno Charo plus premiere Forwards Marc Savard, Patrice Bergeron and Milan Lucic.
USC vs (25)Notre Dame
Saturday, Oct 17 – 2:30pm – Notre Dame Stadium – NBC
A lot of history and great games in this rivalry and this year’s battle will be one to see. Sure each team has a loss, but when the Men of Troy visit the Golden Domers season records won’t matter. Joe McKnight can go the distance on any given play. Jimmy Clausen is a machine.
WEEK 6 Sun., Oct. 18 @ Washington @ Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh @ Minnesota @ Jacksonville @ New Orleans Carolina @ Green Bay Philadelphia @Seattle @ NY Jets @ New England @Atlanta
LINES
LINE -6.5 -4.5 -14 -3 -10 -3 -3.5 -13.5 -13.5 -3 -9 -9 -3
OPPONENT Kansas City Houston Cleveland Baltimore St. Louis NY Giants @ Tampa Bay Detroit @ Oakland Arizona Buffalo Tennessee Chicago
TIME Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon 3:05pm 3:05pm 3:15pm 3:15pm 7:30pm
Mon., Oct. 19 LINE @ San Diego -4
OPPONENT Denver
TIME 7:35pm
blitzweekly.com
8 Oct. 14 - 20, 2009
Fantasy Football: Week 6 Waiver Wire
Quarterbacks Matt Hasselbeck (SEA) – Welcome back Matty H! Like McNabb, he returned from a rib injury and produced some serious numbers. He killed the Jags by completing 18 of his 30 passes for 241 yards and 4 TDs in the Seattle blowout. He has been great in his 2 full games this year and with his excellent WR corps, I expect that trend to continue. If he was cut while hurt, go get him and dance a jig. Daunte Culpepper (DET) – He lost Calvin Johnson early in the first quarter, but still almost rallied the Lions to a win against the Steelers. He looked very sharp and very fast as he threw for 282 yards with 1 TD and 1 INT (a bonehead play to be sure) with another 44 yards rushing. DC still has a lot of
gas left in the tank and is worth a grab if you need a QB and Stafford misses any more games. Josh Johnson (TB) – He may not be a bad bye week Betty. Johnson has 81 yards rushing in 2 starts (equivalent to 200 yards passing) and threw for a solid 240 with 2 TDs and 3 INTs this week. The Bucs are bad and threw it 50 times this week….if TB has a tough matchup, he is an OK fill in starter due to his legs and the fact that he will have to throw it a ton. Running Backs Jonathan Stewart (CAR) – We finally got a Stewart sighting as he found the End Zone for the first time in 2009. He ran the ball 10 times for 39 yards and the score and may push the struggling DeAngelo Williams for more PT as the year
goes on. Michael Bush (OAK) – He was the starter and took 12 carries for 37 yards and a TD. Not great numbers, but he will be the guy while DMC is out….Fargas took 11 carries for 18 yards….so Bush is clearly the more effective of the 2 RBs left in OAK. Wide Receivers Jeremy Maclin (PHI) – I really liked this rookie before the year, but it seemed like he was not going to get the chance to produce. Well, an injury to Kevin Curtis has opened the door and he just kicked it down with a 6 catch, 142 yard, 2 TD game against the Bucs. He is a tremendous deep threat and I don’t see how opposing defenses will be able to stop Maclin and D. Jax. I don’t see him losing the start-
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ing job, so definitely scoop him if you need some WR help. He was a 1st round pick and may be the 2nd rookie WR in as many years to have a big season in Philly. Hakeem Nicks (NYG) – Another TD for Nicks, who had 4 catches for 49 yards and a score. He has a ton of potential and I love him in keeper leagues right now. Mike Wallace (PIT) – The speedy rookie continues to impress. He only had 2 passes against DET, but one was a 47 yard TD. He has topped 100 yards or scored in 2 of the last 3….not a safe fantasy option, but a good dynasty league pickup as he will become a starter in PIT at some point. Tight Ends Visanthe Shiancoe (MIN) – He
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may not get a lot of looks, but Shiancoe is once again making them count in the scoring department. This week he had a season high 4 catches for 49 yards and scored a TD for the 3rd time in his last 4 games. Solid bye week fill in at TE and a great TD only league option. Zach Miller (OAK) – He had 69 yards on 4 catches…not too shabby considering that Russell threw for a grand total of 100 yards! Until Russell gets it together, he is a backup/BWB, but he can always be a solid spot starter for ya during the bye weeks. Defense Jacksonville D (JAC) - I know they were awful this week, but if you need a bye week Betty, the Jags get to host the Rams and you know what that means!
irst played in 1900, the showdown between the Longhorns and Sooners soon became known far and wide as the Red River Shootout. It has become one of college football’s best and most bitter rivalries. Though the Texas-Oklahoma series officially began in 1900, the game truly arrived in 1929, the first year it was played at the neural-site city of Dallas. Dallas is located about halfway between Norman, Oklahoma (home of the Sooners) and Austin, Texas (home of the Longhorns). The storied old Cotton Bowl has played host to the game since 1937. On gameday, which is usually scheduled in early October, during the Texas State Fair, the stadium is split in half, with Texas fans on one side of the 50-yard-line and Sooner fans on the other. The visible separation of color can clearly be seen from the aerial shots of the stadium.
The game almost always has national significance. Since 1945, one or both of the two teams has been ranked among the top 25 teams in the nation coming into 60 out of 65 games. Texas leads the all-time series 58–40–5, with a 45–36–4 edge in Dallas. Five of the last nine showings featured one of the participants in the Bowl Championship Series National Championship Game (2000, 2003–2005, and 2008), including national titles won by Oklahoma in 2000 and by Texas in 2005. Four times during 2000–2004, a loss to Oklahoma kept Texas from playing in the Big 12 Championship Game.
2001- Oklahoma 14–Texas 3
The 2001 game was a classic defensive struggle that will be forever remembered for one incredible play late in the 4th quarter. Down 7–3, Texas had 2:06 to drive 97 yards on the stiff Sooner defense. On first down, Texas quarterback Chris Simms’ pass was deflected by OU safety Roy Williams, who had blitzed and literally leapt over blocker, Brett Robin, to collide with Simms at the moment he released the ball. The ball landed right in OU linebacker Teddy Lehman’s hands, who walked into the endzone for a touchdown. The play happened so fast, many fans did not know exactly what had
happened. The play by Williams is often called “The Superman Play” because of the way that Williams resembled Superman flying through the air with his arms stretched out at Chris Simms when he hit him.
2005- Texas 45–Oklahoma 12
The 45-12 Texas victory broke the string of five consecutive losses to Oklahoma. With the win, Texas tied its largest margin of victory in the series. Freshman running back Jamaal Charles set a record for rushing yards by a Texas freshman in the series. With his 80-yard scamper, Charles also had the longest touchdown from scrimmage by a Texas running back in the series. As had occurred the two seasons prior, the road to the National Championship game went through Dallas. The Longhorns were on their way to an 8–0 conference, 13–0 overall record, including the historic victory in the Rose Bowl claiming the 2005 National Championship.
2007-Oklahoma 28, Texas 21
The game was close from start to finish as the Sooners struck first with a quick touchdown pass to TE Jermaine Gresham. QB Colt McCoy’s passing attack responded quickly to tie the game for the Horns, then again to take a lead, particularly off the efforts of Jermichael Finley. The Sooners were able to tie the score going into the half off of another Sam Bradford-to-Jermaine Gresham connection. The Longhorns were able to get into the red zone at the begin-
ning of the second half, but a costly fumble by RB Jamaal Charles at the 5-yard line cut short the momentum. A few series later, RB DeMarco Murray ripped off a 65-yard TD run to give the Sooners a 21–14 lead. The Horns did not take this lying down, as they were able to score soon thereafter. The Oklahoma passing attack scored the final touchdown of the game about ten minutes from the end of the game, with a 35 yard touchdown pass to WR Malcolm Kelly from Bradford. The Horns threatened twice in the final waning minutes, as it took a CB Reggie Smith interception and defensive play against star WR Limas Sweed to secure the win for Oklahoma.
2008 - Texas 45, Oklahoma 35
The 2008 meeting of the Red River Shootout was a major one. Oklahoma ranked #1 in the nation and Texas was ranked #5. Both were 5-0 coming into the game. In the first quarter, Bradford completed a 5 yard touchdown pass to Manuel Johnson. The Sooners led 7-0. With 6:41 left in the first quarter, Texas answered with a Hunter Lawrence 26 yard field goal. OU scored 2 touchdowns in the second quarter and Texas scored two touchdowns and a field goal including a 96 yard kickoff return by Jordan Shipley. The score at the half was 21-20 OU. Texas ended up winning this 103rd meeting of the Red River Shootout, 45–35. It was the highest scoring event in the history of rivalry, and it was seen by the most fans - a record 92,182 in attendance.
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College Football Analyst - Geoff Case
Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 9
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10 Oct. 14 - 20, 2009
his year’s addition of the “RRR” will prove to be a arguably the best quarterbacks the series has ever see start to the year losing Sam Bradford to a shoulder in games. However, this game will determine supremac for that matter. The Sooners are no doubt salivating at the ch the pecking order for the BCS title game. We’re going to bre offensively and how the other will try to stop it.
College Football Analyst - Geoff Case
The Longhorns try to run the football but everyone knows they need to air it out to win games. The running game the Longhorns spent two weeks trying to improve looked worse than before against Colorado last week. The Buffaloes, a team that came in giving up more than 200 yards a game on the ground, held Texas to just 46 yards on 25 carries. Meanwhile, the Sooner defense has made a commitment to the run this season giving up a stingy average of 54 yards per game. They can stop the run and nobody in the Longhorns running back committee should scare them. The result is a Sooner game plan focusing on putting Colt McCoy on his back. The strength of the Sooner defense is their defensive line and they must get to the quarterback multiple times to win this game. However, getting Colt McCoy to the ground is no easy task especially with his ability to make defenders miss and extend plays. Colt McCoy struggled with his accuracy to start the season but has become “on target” for the most part. If Oklahoma can make Colt uncomfortable, then they can expect him to throw up some errant passes. For every two touchdowns McCoy has thrown this year, his opponents can expect at least one interception. If the game somehow becomes a defensive battle then one of those turnovers could spell doom for the Horns. The pass blocking of the offensive line will be the key to victory for the Longhorns in this year’s Red River Rivalry. If they can keep their playmaker on his feet making plays with his arm, then the Longhorns could rack up some serious points. Edge:
• Texas return specialists Jordan Shipley, D.J. Monroe • Texas has scored 4 TDs on kickoff and punt returns providing the Longhorns with great field position an
• Texas Longhorns 35 Oklahoma Sooners 20 • Sam Bradford does not appear to be anywhere near 1 it’s acting up. I just don’t believe that Oklahoma wil solid defense, but the inexperienced offensive line a
Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 11 blitzweekly.com
another one of the series greatest games. It boasts en face one another. The Sooners have had a rough njury causing them to drop a couple of important cy in the Big 12 South and the entire conference, hance to knock the Longhorns back a few pegs on eak down what each side will try to do to each other
The most depleted unit in the Big 12 South is Oklahoma’s offensive line, a group that returns just one starter from a group that was considered the country’s best last season. Trent Williams, who moves from right to left tackle, is the lone returning starter. Otherwise, Bradford lines up behind a wall of rookies. It’s no secret that Sam Bradford has got to be a little worried about getting blindsided every time he steps back to pass after having his arm in a sling for few weeks. His saving grace would be a good running game that would take the target off his back. The problem is that the Texas Longhorns have been absolutely shutting down the run against their opponents this season. The Sooners have got some nice offensive weapons, but the problem is getting them the ball. The Sooners will be in max protection packages most of the day so it will be up to those receivers to win their individual match-ups if they are going to have any success. Look for a lot of misdirection plays to keep the Longhorns from zeroing in on Bradford. The Sooners have also had some trouble with the red zone offense against quality opponents this year. The Sooners churned out a season-high 592 yards of total offense in its 33-7 win against Baylor last Saturday, but settled for field goals on four of its seven trips inside the 20-yard line. Trading field goals with touchdowns won’t win you any games in this nasty rivalry and the Sooners have got to start cashing in on those opportunities.
Edge:
e this season. The special teams have been nd points all season.
100% with a sore shoulder and now his knee looks like ll be able to keep up with Texas offensively. They have a and injured quarterback will be their undoing.
Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 13
The Seven Most
Multi-tasking -
Overrated Virtues
While it may seem virtuous and efficient to get a lot of things done at once, it can also be very dangerous and even counter-productive, especially while driving, which most Americans are constantly doing. The problem is, while someone is making a left-hand turn in heavy traffic they are also texting, talking on their cell phone--which is precariously balanced between their ear and neck--and one hand on the steering wheel, while the other hand is trying to take a sip of very hot coffee. I’m surprised there aren’t more accidents.
Punctuality -
Experts have been telling us for years that stress is bad for us and can even lead to disease, which is why people from Latin America and Spain have healthier lifestyles. Why? Because they couldn’t give a soggy plantain about being on time. Not only are they not punctual, but they take leisurely two hour lunches, have daily siestas, and are never in a rush like us Americans zipping around like maniacs in heavy traffic, try-
Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”
ing to be on time.
Being a People Person -
Of course liking people is a great virtue but not when it becomes a means to climb the social ladder, because then it loses its authenticity. The common term is the insufferable brown-noser who somehow has the ability to talk non-stop and also terrorize the introspective introverts. “Why aren’t you smiling?” they often ask the socalled quiet person, to which you should respond -whether you’re smiling or not -“I am smiling.”
Eating a Low-Fat Diet - Amer-
ica is the inventor of low-fat and non-fat food, yet ironically we are the fattest and most obese people on the planet. The indigenous peoples of the world ate tons of animal fat and they rarely had any of the modern diseases common to America, most notably obesity, which is becoming an epidemic in this country. Fat gets a bad rap because of its unfortunate name, but what really makes people fat is carbs and sugar, which is found in most of your favorite junk foods.
Respect for Authority -
Having too much respect for authority can cost you your life, which was the case with the South Korean airlines, which at one time had the worst safety record in the airline industry. Malcolm Gladwell explains in his book, “Outliers,” that the reason for all
of these crashes was that Koreans had so much respect for authority that they would rather let their aircraft crash into a mountain than go against authority. This cultural attitude is also common in South American countries as well, but not as common in democratic nations such as the US.
Exercise -
Americans spend 19 billion dollars on gym memberships, 45 million people belong to health clubs, yet a staggering one third are obese! And I’m not talking about a little beer belly or love handles. Obesity is a serious condition that can lead to all sorts of diseases. So why are the numbers not adding up? According to Eric Ravussin, the chair in diabetes and metabolism at Louisiana State University, vigorous exercise causes hunger, which can make losing weight even harder. “In general, for weight loss, exercise is pretty useless,” he says. Still, being a couch potato is not good either, but moderate exercise everyday, like a stroll around the park, may serve you better than sweating it out at the gym.
Honesty -
Yes, honesty is good and virtuous. But while being a pathological liar or lying for your own gains is morally bankrupt, sometimes the little white lie can save someone hurt feelings. They do call it ‘brutal honesty’ for a reason. Just as Jack Nicholson declared in “A Few Good Men,” sometimes “you can’t handle the truth!”
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Honesty, respect for authority, exercise, they may have their rightly place in feeding the needs of your fragile conscience - you know, the good angel on your shoulder nagging you to call your mother on her birthday, not to drink too much, and go to the gym three days a week. But some of these so-called virtues can be highly overrated. Like multi-tasking, for starters…
14 Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 blitzweekly.com
FOOD REVIEW
The Pick of the Week:
By: Richard S. Pollak
“The Traveling Gourmet”
THE GREAT STATE FAIR OF TEXAS
The Fried Food Capital of the World
D
Watch Your Favorite
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eep Fried Butter? DEEP FRIED BUTTER!! You have got to be kidding! The most creative award winner in the 5TH Annual Big Tex Choice Awards at the Great State Fair of Texas was Deep Fried Butter. Each year, after proclaiming our State Fair (The largest State Fair in North America) the Fried Food Capital of the World, the concessionaires have competed for the prestigious “Best Tasting” and “Most Creative New Fried Product” Choice Awards and one year of bragging rights. The competition has gone so international in scope that even Oprah plans to be in Dallas on October 12th to sample the winners. Abel Gonzalez of Desperados Restaurant fame, created the batter dipped frozen scoop of butter that is deep fried before being showered with confection sugar, winning for the 4th year in a row. Last year, his Deep Fried Coke, which recorded the greatest number of votes in the history of the competition, is still the number one “Choice Award” favorite. This year, Fernie’s Deep Fried Peaches and Cream came out as the 2009 “Best Tasting” award winner. You need to sample all of the finalists including Twisted Yam on a stick, Sweet Jalapeno Corn Dog Shrimp, Texas Fried Pecan Pie, Country Fried Pork Chips, Green Goblins (a deep fried Jalapeno stuffed with cheese and covered in a queso sauce) and Fried Peanut Butter Cup Macaroon. You can refer to page 10 and page 11 in the Free Daily State Fair of Texas Map and Guide available as you enter, at information booths and guide ranks located throughout the Fair Grounds. I am disappointed that as the largest supplier of entertainment and modern day freak shows at the Fair, that they, once again, won’t let me participate in the annual Fletcher’s Corny Dog eating contest! For the second year in a row, Michael Wilkes won the contest by downing just 11 corny dogs in 10 minutes! His secret to success: “Just chomp them”. 11 Corny Dogs? As a regular viewer of Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel, I could easily beat that record!
Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 15
W
ith the arrival of Autumn, it is once again time for the great State Fair of Texas and one of the world’s largest auto shows. Gate attendance each year at the fair reaches more than three million over its three-week-plus run, with estimates that at least 75 percent of attendees visit some portion of the auto show. I say some portion as it is hosted in three areas – two very long indoor buildings and the exciting outdoor truck display area. Automakers from the U.S. and Asia bring their latest offerings on all platforms and some have even used this event for world debuts.
Ford Stands Tall
Case in point, Ford and Toyota each present global debuts at this year’s fair. Ford is No. 1 in truck sales and Texas is the No. 1 truck market. Company President Mark Fields hosted a live webcast for the introduction of the 2011 Super Duty pickup, highlighted by an all-new diesel powertrain and design upgrades. While not quite as dramatic as when he used a large crane to introduce the last edition Super Duty a few fairs back but energetic nonetheless. The 2011 will offer Ford’s first “in house” diesel engine along with a new transmission. The industry (and
competitors) will be eagerly watching how well this new powertrain setup performs once the new trucks begin rolling off showroom floors early next year. More information on the 2011 Ford Super Duty may be found at http://www.fordvehicles.com/trucks/ superduty/2011.
25th Anniversary of the 4Runner
No sooner did the Ford event end than Toyota fired away with its world debut of the fifthgeneration 4Runner midsize SUV. This event marks the 25th anniversary for 4Runner and more than 1.5 million units sold. They also had a “well-tested” pre-production unit on hand in a not-so-pristine state fresh from a successful run on the Rubikon trail. For 2010, the 4Runner is taller, wider and longer and is available with the choice of a 2.7-liter four-cylinder engine mated to a four-speed automatic transmission or a 270hp 4.0liter V-6 backed by a five-speed automatic gearbox. All 4x4 model 4Runners will be equipped with the six while 4x2 trucks can be configured with either engine. The 2010 Toyota 4Runner gets major design upgrades inside and out with resemblance to the brand’s full-size trucks lineup. Three trim levels are available on 4Runner: SR5, Limited and Trail
grade for those who require maximum offroad capability. Afold-flat thirdrow seat is also now available. For more information on the all-new fifth-generation 4Runner visit www.toyota.com.
All-New GMC Terrain
The all-new GMC Terrain is a core ingredient to GM’s new “recipe for success” and is based on the new crossover utility platform shared by the Chevy Equinox. Although Terrain only shares a common roof and windshield with the bowtie version. “Yukon, Acadia and now Terrain – we’re continuing to build on the successful formula of taking the bold styling, premium features and functionality our customers have come to expect from our full-size truck products and creating smaller vehicles to appeal to a broader audience,” said Susan Docherty, general manager of Buick GMC. “Although it’s smaller on the outside, Terrain offers more on the inside.
Thoughts on Letterman’s Sexcapades Having never really meant to get into the business that I’m in, talk show hosts have rarely influenced me. There are a few, however, and David Letterman is one of them. I am too young to have appreciated Johnny Carson, but the way that some attribute him or Steve Allen with being a trailblazer is exactly the way that I have always viewed Dave. He was the first thing that I taped with regularity on a VCR, preserving boxes of VHS tapes for posterity. My viewing of his show had decreased over the years, but that was probably more due to my schedule than Letterman’s content. It has been my observation that the earlier a talk show airs, the less their hosts strike me as humorous, but I always thought that Dave was an exception to that rule. He also fascinated me with his eccentricity. By the time he came to public prominence he was already divorced, so I knew him as a virtual life long bachelor with a few long term relationships, waiting until his mid fifties to become a first time father. He didn’t conform to society’s expectations. It really was surprising when the details of his sexual exploits with female staffers broke this past week, due to a failed extortion attempt by a guy who was desperate enough to take a check. Surprising because I always assumed that David Letterman was too weird to have sex with all but a very few women. I
certainly didn’t envision him to be the life of the party. All of this was curious, but I didn’t, and I still don’t, see how any of this adds up to an actionable claim, much less a crime. Right wing talkers who are still hot at Letterman over his Sarah Palin bit were quick to pounce. When the Letterman/Palin feud was at its’ peak, conservatives were critical of The National Organization for Women for not speaking out against him. Now they have, and it appears to me that they have jumped the gun. “The latest Letterman controversy sheds new light on the widespread objectification of women in the workplace,” NOW said in a statement Tuesday. “Most women can attest to the fact that many workplaces are plagued with inappropriate behavior by men in power. Recent developments in the David Letterman extortion controversy have raised serious issues about the abuse of power leading to an inappropriate, if not hostile, workplace environment for women and employees, as ‘the boss,’ he is responsible for setting the tone for his entire workplace -- and he did that with sex. In any work environment, this places all employees -- including employees who happen to be women -- in an awkward, confusing and demoralizing situation. The National Organization for Women calls on CBS to recognize that Letterman’s behavior creates a toxic environment and to take
We believe it will attract customers by giving them totally new choices without compromising what it means to own a GMC.” The new GMC Terrain is available in front or all-wheel-drive and when powered by the new 2.4-liter I4 Ecotec is capable of 32 mpg on the highway, besting all of its competition in the segment. Engine choices are between the aforementioned 182hp four or 264hp 3.0liter V-6 engine – each mated to a unique sixspeed automatic transmission. On-road we found the Terrain quiet and smooth – what a modern CUV should be – while offering plenty of comfort and convenience. From the side we are reminded a bit of the Jeep Patriot but we do like the powerful new front fascia. For more information visit www.gm.com. Info on the State Fair of Texas and the auto show can be found at www.bigtex.com.
Richard Hunter
Rational Radio AM 1360 www.rationalradio.org
action immediately to rectify this situation. With just two women on CBS’ board of directors, we’re not holding our breath.” Take action? What kind of action? No one has come forward to claim sexual harassment, nor has anyone charged favoritism for those who were intimately involved with him. Letterman is not an employee of CBS, so he is not subject to their workplace dating policy. What David Letterman did do is create a potentially precarious work environment on several levels, and if he escaped without so much as one cash settlement along the way, he was lucky. However, until someone comes forward with a charge or a claim, and then proves it in a court of law, David Letterman is only guilty of dating his own interns rather than someone else’s. Richard Hunter hosts “The Richard Hunter Show” weekday afternoons 4-6 on AM 1360 Dallas. Log on to richardhuntershow.com
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State Fair Debuts New Models
by: David Goodspeed
By: Sybil Summers
sybilsummers.com
Top 10
Pro Athletes I’d Like to See in a Reality Show Not in a competition-style show or as a guest judge. I’m talking about cameras following them around 24/7. 10. Clint Bowyer: Carl Edwards would have been the top choice, but he recently got married which means he’d be tame. Clint is always good for a chuckle. 9. Tiger Woods: Not because he’s incredibly entertaining. Moreso, just to watch his wife, Elin. 8. Plaxico Burress: I’m interested in seeing how he’s treated by inmates and guards while serving his time. 7. Chuck Liddell: If Liddell’s riproaring drunk at 7am (a la the Gary Cogill interview), imagine him at 10:30pm on a Friday night! That guy knows how to party. 6. Dennis Rodman: Where did he go anyway? 5. John Rocker: In the meantime, we can watch Kenny Powers. 4. Charles Barkley: Remember the dash-cam footage from the cop who arrested him for DUI and how he wanted to get a hooker? Yeah, imagine that in 1-hour increments one night a week. You’d watch it. 3. Dallas Desire Team: Cameras everywhere: practice fields, game day, locker rooms. You get the idea. 2. Martellus Bennett: YouTube doesn’t count. I want to experience “A Day in the Life of Marty B”. 1. Mike Tyson: I can never get enough Tyson. I have no idea what goes on in his brain, but can you imagine tagging along for the ride?!
Oct. 14 - 20, 2009 17
DOWN 1. Dry riverbed 2. Distinctive flair 3. Mats 4. ______ of Cancer 5. Dwarf buffalo 6. Dolt 7. Central points 8. Possesses 9. Of no importance 10. Violent disturbance 11. Border 13. Weird 14. Hindu loincloth 20. Brainstorm 21. Nonverbal O.K.’s 25. Lyric poems 26. The end of life 27. Not pertinent 28. Grasping tools 29. Songs of praise 30. French for “Our” 31. Mayday 33. Prefix meaning “New” 35. Small 37. Not there 39. Everlasting 42. A stinging insect 44. Doe’s mate 47. Ancient upright stone 49. A sudden muscle spasm 52. Sword 53. Stiff hair 55. Expunge 56. Berserk 57. Departed 58. Coke or Pepsi 59. A Freudian stage 60. The period preceeding Easter 62. Louse-to-be
Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week Q: What do you call a blonde at university? A: A visitor. Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: “Your honor.” Q: What the difference between a Longhorn and Rice Crispies? A: Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl. Q: What does an Oklahoma graduate and a tornado have in common? A: They both will end up in a trailer park.
Use More Soap A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!” She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!” The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: “I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON A$$!!
Horrorscopes
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Gemini (May 21 - Jan. 21)
All your wishes can come true if you’re willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Dave is not a name you want to associate with. Dave may be the devil’s spawn. It’s hard to tell.
The word “Wobble” might mean something to you that it simply hasn’t meant before. Everywhere you go you seem to run into trouble - try not to mess up your life by falling into any kind of trap.
Testing your ability to walk on water should be done at the beach, not in the middle of the Atlantic. This is just an analogy to some part of your life which is not clear to us.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
Terrible envy can be yours all for the price of walking into a very expensive car showroom. Use that negative energy to summon up dark spirits.
You yearn to be a farmer. Oil in your lamp may keep you burning till the break of day. Or it could spill over and set fire to your new shoes.
Monkeys may go nuts for bananas, but Nutters don’t give a monkey about going bananas. This may be important for you to remember. Other people are not as crazy as you think.
Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr 19)
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
Dandruff and bad breath is not the best way to ward off unwanted advances. Although, assuming that is your intention, you are definitely going about it the right way.
Repetition may annoy you as someone close by tells you the same damned story over and over again. The partner of your dreams will realize you are unworthy of attention.
Unfortunately for you, the way forward can sometimes be the way backwards this week. This may become a particularly apparent problem whilst travelling along a busy motorway. Good luck!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Are you loveable? We don’t think so. Try to absorb plants into your skin in order to make yourself into some kind of Marvel Super Hero.
Looking for a savior is a commendable past-time. However, ignoring your personal hygiene is a forfeit that you really shouldn’t have made. You will not attract a partner.
Sasquatch will not befriend you and live peacefully in your house. Screaming loudly only serves to wake the neighbors. They’ll only investigate once they’re sure you’re dead and the murderer has left.
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ACROSS 1. Cried 5. Alien Life Form 8. Employ 12. Winged 13. Hair net 15. In the center of 16. Woodworking groove 17. Make physical contact 18. Urban haze 19. A sudden intuition 22. Consumed food 23. Actress Lupino 24. Honk 26. Socially correct 29. Concealed 31. Intercourse 32. Intense feelings of suffering 34. Short-horned goat antelope 36. Pledge 38. Bowel cleasing 40. Location 41. Scatter 43. Chimes 45. Metric unit of area 46. Annoy 48. Agree out of court 50. Where a bird lives 51. Legislation 52. East southeast 54. Related to the science of teaching 61. Unskilled laborer 63. Tart citrus fruit 64. Sound 65. Decorative case 66. Beside 67. Tribe 68. Where the sun rises 69. Scrape by 70. “Stop right there!”
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18 Oct. 14 - 20, 2009
by: Pat Moran
“Man On His Throne”
pmoran@gmail.com
The Urinal Problem
The Urinal is one of the most amazing creations of mankind. It’s
specifically designed to not only offer bladder relief, but to also showcase how awesome we are. No, thank you, I don’t need to sit down to pee. It’s what separates us from the other members of the animal kingdom. While all the dogs are lifting their legs, we have the freedom to use the porcelain wall hang. It’s a gift. It’s brilliance. But there are rules. Rules that most of the civilized world knows and follows to a tee. These are rules that are so intrinsically important to the balance of man-dom, that to break them would be enough to shake a person to the core. It’s all about spacing. If there are three urinals and two people in the bathroom, the rules make it necessary that there is one EMPTY urinal between them. It’s different when there is a massive line or if there are only two urinals. But given the opportunity, one should NEVER (I can’t capitalize it enough) double up the urinal. There is no where else on the planet where the personal bubble is more important. It’s about the privacy. But it seems lately that more and more people are breaking the boundaries. By using The Urinal, you are agreeing to a code that is as universal as gravity. Thou shalt have no conversations. No hand to shoulder contact, even to steady yourself while drunk. No waiting too close behind the pee-r while in line. No excess splashing. ABSOLUTELY NO wandering eyes. And for the love of everything good in this life, DON’T use the middle urinal. I don’t want to have to pee next to you if I don’t have to. I shouldn’t have to remind you of this stuff people. Friends don’t let friends use the middle urinal.
Crossword Solution