blitzweekly.com
VOL. 2 - ISSUE 12
Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 3
Doctor: I Built Myself a Wife BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 Blitz Music: Woodstock Influence 5 Mavs and Stars Previews 6 UNT / SMU / TCU Previews 7 Dallas Cowboys Week 10 Preview 8 COVER STORY: Your Liquor Cabinet Mixin’ It Up 9 Rules of Drinking 10 Everything You Need 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Crissy 12 UFC 105 Preview 13 Restaurant Review: Jaxx Steakhouse 14 Blitz Toys 15 The Fan Top 10 with Sybil 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: Yankees Win Again… 18 PUBLISHER / EDITOR Kelly G. Reed CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Photographer: Darryl Briggs PHOTOGRAPHERS Ronnie Baker, Darryl Briggs, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Jason Ryan CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Brian Beard, Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Andrew J. Hewett, Frank LaCosta, John Lorge, Peggy Kilpatrick, Pat Moran, Richard S. Pollak, Craig Smith, Jayson Starr, Eddie Stephens, Joe Stumpo, Sybil Summers, Jennifer Wayne and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed SALES REPRESENTATIVES Johnny Horton, Patrick Marshall CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 214-529-7370 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl’s clothes off.” – Raymond Chandler
A plastic surgeon has told how he chose a dowdy girl as his bride - so he could sculpt her into his ideal wife. Reza Vossough hated 33-year-old Cany’s body, but they tied the knot anyway after he spotted her “potential”. He performed eight operations to change her chest, thighs, eyes and face. Vossough spent five years pumping 1,600g of silicone into her body, boosting her size A chest to a giant F cup. He also enhanced her lips, lifted her eyelids and de-creased her forehead. The former waitress also had nip-andtuck ops to her bum, tummy and thighs and countless Botox injections. Only after £18,000 of cosmetic surgery did Reza, 48, fall in love with her. But busty Cany, now a model, is thrilled with her new image. She said: “When your husband is a plastic surgeon, then the scalpel is your friend.” Reza, who operates on 1,200 patients a year at his Berlin clinic, said of his skills: “It’s almost like being God - you have the ability to change nature. “When I first met Cany, she had physical deficiencies, but I could see there
Colorado Ski Town Legalizes Marijuana
Andrew J. Hewett
www.chewednews.com
was something there. She had big hips and big thighs, so we made corrections, then did a little bit more. “On the operating table her face is covered, so she’s anonymous like any patient. I was interested in working on her. It’s better than nature could do.” Since her hubby’s last op, Cany has had a secret fourth boob job. But Reza has not ruled out more work - saying: “There may be some more in the future, like a facelift, but not yet.” But Reza is wise enough to admit that he’s not perfect himself. He said: “I inherited a big nose from my dad, so my business partner made me a new one. And I have Botox too.” The Colorado ski town of Breckenridge has voted overwhelmingly to legalize marijuana. Early returns Tuesday night showed the proposal winning with 72 percent of the vote. The measure would allow adults over 21 to have up to 1 ounce of marijuana. The measure is largely symbolic because pot possession remains a state crime for people without medical clearance. But supporters said they wanted to send a message to local law enforcement to stop busting small-time pot smokers. The vote comes as communities nationwide are struggling with how to enforce pot laws at a time when medical marijuana has surged in popularity.
FLAME THROWERS IN REVERSE It is estimated, between 1870 and 1890, one-in-eight of Ireland’s population was hooked on ether (CH3-CH2-O-CH2CH3) drinking. Since ether turns from liquid to vapor at body temperature, drinkers would first drink ice-cold water. Then, immediately after drinking the ether, they would drink more cold water. Belching immediately after was also very important. Otherwise, the explosive vapors could cause a heart attack. At the same time, those who belched too close to an open flame would suffer a worse fate. The flame would race back down their throats while combusting, before exploding. WELL...APPARENTLY SHE’S NOT JEWISH? In July of 1989, Julia Schumansky, 64, of Hartsville, Tennessee, noticed a knot sticking out from her left buttock. Fearing cancer, she went for x-rays, which showed a 4-inch pork chop bone buried inside her bottom. Doctors surmised Ms. Schumansky, standing just over 5-feet tall, weighing 217 pounds, may not have felt the initial penetration, back when she sat on it. PERHAPS WE COULD ALL LEARN SOMETHING FROM TED TURNER 1. “If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.” 2. “Life is like a B-grade movie. You don’t want to leave in the middle of it, but you don’t want to see it again.” 3. “All my life people have said that I wasn’t going to make it.”
blitzweekly.com
4 Nov. 11 - 17, 2009
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE BLITZREVIEWS with Philip Seymour Hoffman
By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !
Vivian Fullerlove
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
It’s mutiny on the bounty in the new film starring Academy Award winner Philip Seymour Hoffman. Pirate Radio is the story of eight rogue DJs on a boat in the middle of the Northern Atlantic in the 1960’s who played rock records and broke the law all for the love of music. The songs they played united and defined an entire generation and drove the British government crazy. By playing rock ‘n roll they were standing up against the British government who did everything in their power to shut them down. We talked with Hoffman about his character and how he prepared for his role as the god of the airwaves! Tell me about your character in the film, The Count. He seems like kind of a blow hard at first glance. He considers himself, I think, the best DJ that ever existed. I don’t think that’s probably true, but he believes it whole heartedly. I think he loves to be the center of the event; so, when he senses that an event is in the making, he likes to show up right at that time to make sure he has something to do with it. But other than that, he probably just keeps to himself which I found really funny.
The Box: Director/writer Richard Kelly’s (Donnie Darko) latest science fiction nonsense based on author Richard Matheson’s short story, “Button, Button”, has to do with a mysterious “box” placed on the doorsteps of Norma and Arthur Lewis (Cameron Diaz and James Marsden) by a mysterious gentleman named Arlington Steward (Frank Langella). Steward makes them an offer they can’t refuse. They can either do nothing and walk away, or receive $100 million upon pushing the button on the box. The gist is someone they don’t know will die. The Box keeps you guessing before falling apart in the final act where I wasn’t certain if the climax was really the big payoff. I better stop here and give it three stars just for the film’s out of this world original premise alone over the lower two and a half star rating The Box actually deserves.
PICK OF THE WEEK
But, to his defense, he is very zealous about what he believes to be his noble cause which is the music. He likes to have a good time, and I think he has a really big heart. He truly believes that rock and roll is the medicine for the problems of the times. Richard Curtis, who wrote and directed the film, has an affinity for the music of this era. How did his passion for this story influence or help you with the role? There were many nights where I sat and talked to him about the Beatles or the Beach Boys and whoever, and that was really helpful to me. He had such genuine enthusiasm for those guys, and I really got what he was doing and what his personal connection to the writing was. Did you know how to DJ already? No. I showed up and was given this crash course on how to run the DJ booth, which ultimately when I started shooting, I was just making up. I thought more about what I had to do to get people jazzed up about what I was doing than the actual logistics of it. So I really prepared for it that way. What do you think really drove these guys? It had to be about more than just spinning records, right? You realized that there was just this unbridled enthusiasm that was happening in a difficult time. But there was a genuine innocence and enthusiasm about what they were offering, that people had the right to listen to this music whenever they wanted to and that it would be the thing that would change their life and help them through the day. This film is packed with lots of great music and big laughs. Pirate Radio opens nationwide this week and the film is rated R for language and some sexual content. For all of this week’s new releases, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!
North By Northwest: Alfred Hitchcock’s 1959 suspense classic receives a re-re-
lease makeover on DVD and the red carpet treatment for the first time on Blu-ray on the film’s 50th anniversary. As advertising executive Roger Thornhill, Hitchcock favorite Cary Grant is mistaken for a government agent by spies James Mason and Martin Landau. What follows is a cross-country chase from Thornhill evading a crop dusting plane in the middle of nowhere to the final confrontation at Mount Rushmore. Eva Marie Saint plays the beautiful blond who may or may not be a spy herself. Nominated for 3 Oscars for art direction, editing, and screenplay.
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Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 5 blitzweekly.com
Woodstock is Still an
Influence
On August 15th, 1969, would-be legends jammed, fans swarmed and history was created at the Woodstock Music and Art Fair. And although 40 years have passed since the crowds gathered at that 600-acre farm in Bethel, N.Y., the impact of the extraordinary event can still be seen and heard today. “Woodstock was a cultural, political and social revolution of sorts, but the influence that the festival had on the world of rock and roll was unprecedented,” said Larry Goldberg, owner of Music Go Round of Lewisville. “Musically speaking, the event showcased some of the greatest musical acts of all time and made aspiring artists rethink the way they approached their art. Members of my own staff have been shaped by Woodstock, and their level of experience and expertise reflects the diversity synonymous with the event.” According to Goldberg, the 40th anniversary of Woodstock is an ideal time to reminisce about the musical styles that were formed and fused at the legendary festival. With each band featuring a unique blend
of musical instruments, Goldberg says that nearly every musician who is practicing today has a Woodstock artist to thank for their current repertoire of tunes. For example, Goldberg notes that Santana, relatively an unknown band at the time, introduced the masses to Latin rock fusion, a style that placed a great emphasis on percussion sounds. While Carlos Santana led the group with his vocals, he also incorporated maracas and a cowbell into his routine. Conga drums were a highlight of the band’s massive drum section. Backed by a strong ensemble of musicians, Janis Joplin left her stamp on the musical event by performing songs that have been covered by many artists to this day, including a version of the Gershwin composition “Summertime.” Her vocals were accompanied by harmonies formed from a variety of instruments including tenor and baritone saxophones, trumpets, guitars, keyboards and bass. “Santana and Joplin are just two of the celebrated figures that demonstrated
the power of synchronizing multiple musical genres and instruments,” said Goldberg. “Both acts challenged the norms of conventional music and proved that improvisation and spontaneity can transform traditional tunes to true art.” Goldberg goes on to note that one of the most influential acts of Woodstock was The Grateful Dead. Influenced by blues, jazz, country, folk and rock and roll, the band featured the one-and-only Jerry Garcia on vocals and guitar, backed by several musicians on the drums, keyboards, harmonica, congas and bass. “The 40th anniversary of Woodstock presents the opportunity for musicians of all levels to expand their musical selection in terms of both the songs and instruments they play,” said Goldberg. “Anyone looking to try out new equipment is encouraged to stop into Music Go Round of Lewisville where we buy and trade an assortment of instruments that resembles what was found on stage at the famous festival in 1969.”
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MUSIC: Sounds of Woodstock 1. With a Little Help from My Friends
Joe Cocker
2. Mercedes Benz
Janis Joplin
3. Evil Ways
Santana
4. St. Stephen
Grateful Dead
5. Suzie Q
Creedence Clearwater Revival
6. Spinning Wheel
Blood, Sweat & Tears
7. We’re Not Gonna Take It
The Who
8. Wooden Ships
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
9. Dance to the Music
Sly & the Family Stone
10. Purple Haze
Jimi Hendrix
blitzweekly.com
6 Nov. 11 - 17, 2009
Big D in Dallas by: Geoff Case – “NBA Analyst”
The Mavs might have raised a few eyebrows around the league with Josh Howard returning from off-season ankle surgery and completely embarrassing the Raptors. Howard and Shawn Marion give the Mavs two great defenders with athleticism and scoring ability. They can put an extremely tough defensive squad on the floor without compromising their own scoring output. The difference can be seen in the point differentials from last season. The Mavericks have held opponents to an average of 94.3 points compared with last year’s average of 99.8 points a game. Through six games, Dallas is 12th in the league at 15.5 forced turnovers a game. Last year, they ranked 26th and averaged 13 forced turnovers a game. It might only be up by 2.5 from last year but that is a huge deal. Those turnovers could be a four to six point swing in the game especially with Marion and Howard running the break. In fact, that point swing is directly reflected in the opponent’s points per game average, coincidence?
Fantasy Basketball
Players Flying Under The Radar by: John Lorge – www.mvn.com
Every fantasy basketball owner wants to get out to a hot start—why wouldn’t you, right? We have a long season ahead of us and just because somebody has been a disappointment through the first five games, it doesn’t mean they aren’t worth owning for the next 77. Here is a list of guys giving you a headache early on, but I am expecting a great upswing from them over the next few weeks. Remember, the key to investing is buy low, sell high. Derrick Rose, PG Chicago Bulls Those who drafted Rose expected his 16.8 points and 6.3 assists per game last season to rise this year, not fall to an abysmal 11.8 points and 4.8 assists per game. Worry not, Rose is still nursing an ankle injury and coach Vinny Del Negro is doing the right thing by not rushing him back. When Rose’s minutes go from 30 to the 37+ he was averaging per game last year, his numbers will rise along with it.
Charlie Villanueva, F Detroit Pistons As someone who bought into Villanueva heavily after last year’s career numbers, this buy could be passed off as wishful thinking. On the other hand, Detroit made a major investment in him this summer, and he needs to start earning his paycheck. Through four games, Villanueva has only cracked the 30 minute mark once, and he is yet to post a double-double. The odds of Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince being dealt are increasing, which means Detroit will lack even more talent. Rodrigue Beaubois, G Dallas Mavericks This is a French rookie who killed the NBA Summer League. Listed as a PG, he is more of a scoring guard and can really shoot the three. Throughout the season, he should steal minutes from J.J. Barea, especially when Josh Howard is hurt. He could be a gem in deep leagues, but a fringe player for most owners.
Bret Hull
to be Honored
by: Richard S. Pollak – “That Hockey Guy”
The Stars travel to San Jose and then Phoenix, this week, for their first battle with the Sharks and Coyotes. The Stars trail both teams in the Western Conference Standings. San Jose, who last season boasted the best record in the West only to fall in the first round of the playoffs have added heralded American LW Danny Heatley, whose career has always been marred with controversy. Sharks GM Doug Wilson is hoping the oft unhappy star finally finds Silicon to be a Happy Valley. The Gretzkyless Coyotes are playing miraculous hockey under former Stars head coach Dave Tippett. According to team Captain Shane Doan, “Tip has instilled a philosophy and playing style of everyone taking responsibility for backup and it’s working.” Tippett’s years of semi-success in Dallas never included that philosophy and was hampered by constant changes of the forward lines in the middle of the game causing unfamiliarity and inconsistency. Get your tickets now, the Stars will honor Brett Hull with a special ceremony on November 25th before the St. Louis Blues game.
Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 7 - Eddie Stephens
- Eddie Stephens
North Texas vs. Florida Int.
UTEP vs. SMU
(16)
North Texas (2-7) had a lackluster performance against Louisiana-Monroe losing 33-6. After putting up 68 points the week before the offense managed only 268 yards of offense. Riley Dodge was ineffective throwing for 189 yards and 3 interceptions. Freshman Darius Carey had 9 catches for 72 yards. Lance Dunbar finished with only 40 yards snapping his string of five straight games with at least 100 yards rushing. He now has 1,004 rushing yards for the season becoming the ninth player in school history to top the 1,000 mark. This was the first game the Mean Green failed to score a touchdown against a Sun Belt opponent since Todd Dodge has been coach. Adryan Adams led the way with 8 tackles at cornerback. This week North Texas will travel to Miami to take on Florida International. The Golden Panthers (2-7) are coming off a 48-21 loss to Middle Tennessee. This is a game North Texas could and should win.
The Mustangs blocked three kicks, one in which resulted in a 74 yard touchdown from Brian McCann as time expired in the first half, as the Mustangs beat Rice 31-28 this past Saturday. Running back Shawnbrey McNeal also had 88 yards on the ground and two touchdowns. Mustangs quarterback Kyle Padron was 17-24 for 234 yards and one touchdown. SMU will now take on UTEP, who is coming off a 45-38 loss to Tulane. They are 3-6, and 2-3 in conference USA, and are in a must win situation if they want to keep their bowl chances alive. Bedford’s own Trevor Vittatoe is the QB with some experience. RB Donald Buckram rushed for 234 yards last week. If the Mustangs can get their running game going and keep blocking kicks they could get by UTEP with ease. SMU has an excellent core of receivers and their defense is starting to make plays and go after the ball with force. Look for SMU to cruise by this one.
The undefeated TCU Horned Frogs have moved up to 4th in the overall rankings. This is a team that is determined to get a BCS bid, and pretty much sealed the deal with the stomping of San Diego State 5512 this past Saturday. Andy Dalton had another impressive performance with 2 touchdowns on 239 yards passing. The Horned Frogs have racked up 500 or more yards on total offense for the second straight week. TCU will now host 16th ranked Utah, who are 8-1 and 5-0 in the Mountain West. They are coming off a win against winless New Mexico 45-14. Utah QB Jordan Wynn has yet to finish a game, since they keep blowing out their opponents. I hope he plans to play the whole game when taking on TCU, because Andy Dalton and that TCU offense will have no problem putting points on the board. Plan on this game being a shoot out and a big test for the surging Horned Frogs.
Sat. Nov 14 – 6pm – T V: NA @ FIU Stadium
Sat. Nov 14 – 2pm – T V: Time-Warner Cable @ Gerald Ford Stadium
Miles Austin: Dallas’ Newest Star The Dallas Cowboys offense looked pretty shaky at the start of this season. It had no identity and no big play threat with the receiving corps. Halfway through the season that has changed due to an undrafted receiver from Monmouth University. Smiling Miles Austin has brought a pulse and a hope to the Dallas fans. He was an unknown around the league before this season began but now everyone knows who he is. Monmouth University, a small college in a New Jersey beach community has never had a player make the NFL until now. Jim Garrett, a former Cowboy scout lived five minutes from campus. He worked out Austin in his backyard along with other players. It was there that Austin realized he may have a chance to make it to the next level when Garret told him he could make it in the NFL. In the 2006 NFL Combine, he ran a 4.47 40 yard dash and posted the best vertical jump among all receivers. At his pro day on campus, set to showcase his abilities, only two teams showed up. He went undrafted and signed the day after the draft with Dallas. Bill Parcells told Jerry Jones to be patient with Austin because he thought he would one day be a number one receiver.
blitzweekly.com
- Craig Smith
Utah vs. (4)TCU
Sat. Nov 14 – 6:30pm – T V: CBS-C HD @ Amon Carter Stadium
Sportsologist
W. Virginia vs. (5)Cincinnati (25)
Friday, Nov 13 – 7pm – Nippert Stadium – ESPN2
A little Friday night lights to start off the weekend! This could be a trap game for Cincy if they are looking ahead to playing Pittsburgh. The Mountaineers have put up lots of points all season. The Bearcats are playing for a BCS spot and a perfect record.
Patriots vs Colts
Sunday, Nov 15 – 7:20pm – Lucas Oil Stadium – NBC
A playoff game like atmosphere strikes again Sunday. Perhaps two of the best NFL quarterbacks face off again. Both teams have awesome firepower. The Colts are undefeated and the Pats would love to take that away from them. Get ready, this’ll be a good one!
Craig Smith
Well patience has paid off. Miles got his first start on October 11 against the Kansas City Chiefs in place of the often injured Roy Williams. He broke Bob Hayes’ team single game receiving yards record that stood since 1966. He was a one man show with 10 catches for 250 yards and 2 touchdowns including the game winner in overtime, a 60 yard reception for a touchdown. This was the most yards in NFL history for a receiver’s first start. Two weeks later after the Dallas bye week he got his second start playing for Patrick Crayton against the Atlanta Falcons. He finished the game with 171 yards receiving and 2 touchdowns. Not too shabby for a guy who began training camp battling for the third receiver spot. After making his third career start against Seattle he set an NFL record for best three game start with 482 yards shattering Anquan Boldin’s 378. Before this season he had 18 catches in the NFL. After week 8 he was the number ten receiver in yards with only three starts. He always looks like he is having fun on the field because he never stops smiling. He has made it fun again for Cowboys fans.
WEEK 10 LINES Thurs., Nov. 12 LINE OPPONENT @ San Francisco -3 Chicago
TIME 7:20pm
Sun., Nov. 15 @ NY Jets Denver @ Pittsburgh @ Tennessee @ Minnesota New Orleans Atlanta @ Miami @ Oakland @ Arizona @ San Diego Dallas @ Indianapolis
LINE OPPONENT -6.5 Jacksonville -4.5 @ Washington -6.5 Cincinnati -6.5 Buffalo -16.5 Detroit -13.5 @ St. Louis -1.5 @ Carolina -9.5 Tampa Bay -1.5 Kansas City -8.5 Seattle -2.5 Philadelphia -2.5 @ Green Bay -3 New England
TIME Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon Noon 3:05pm 3:05pm 3:15pm 3:15pm 7:20pm
Mon., Nov. 16 LINE OPPONENT Baltimore -10.5 @ Cleveland
TIME 7:35pm
blitzweekly.com
8 Nov. 11 - 17, 2009
Now They’re On The
Big
Stage The Coach - Joe Avezzano
The Cowboys are always seemingly on the big stage but on Sunday night they were front and center as the football world tuned in to see the Eagles dismantle a Cowboy team that hadn’t won a “Big” game in a long time. The teams entered the game evenly matched as far as stats at the halfway point and record wise. Both teams showed a good plan and played with the intensity that indicates a rivalry between two teams that are not fond of each other. Again the Cowboys showed a well rounded game as the offense, defense and kicking game came together to bundle a 20-16 win. Defensively the Cowboys are a much improved secondary with Sensabaugh and Jenkins providing big interceptions and Ratliff continuing his stellar play. The defense provided a big play late in the game as an ill advised fourth and short attempt by Andy Reid at midfield fell short. The offense was again multifaceted as Barber, Choice, Witten, Williams (Yes Williams) and Austin all contributed at one point or another. But don’t forget that the man that makes this work is Romo. Another 300 yard game and again showing a maturity that makes him the unquestioned leader of the pack. An excellent win against a quality opponent on the road in front of the nation puts the Cowboys at 6-2 and in control of the NFC East at the half way point. Now comes the next challenge. Last week all anyone heard was the criticism of the team as they got ready for a tough division opponent.
There is a lot of built in motivation when all that is present. Now the next challenge is to hear all week how good you are as you go to play a team that is reeling. This week’s set of circumstances can be more difficult than the previous week. Green Bay was expected to have a division contender. They aren’t. Minnesota is running away with the division at the halfway point and Green Bay is 4-4. Green Bay has a porous defense that has talent but not enough to be a consistent force. The offense has some excellent skilled people with WR’s Jennings and Driver, running back Grant and most of all Aaron Rodgers at QB. Rodgers is definitely a good QB who can put up numbers against anyone but the down fall is an offensive line that is injury riddled and allows Rodgers to be sacked 4-5-6 times a game. They can’t win consistently with that happening. Can the Packers beat the Cowboys? Without question. Will they? I don’t believe the Cowboys will allow themselves a step backward. I don’t think they will fall prey to all the praise that will be heaped on them this week. The stage only gets bigger. Coach Joe can be heard on KHYI 95.3 on Tuesday nights 7-9pm and on ESPN radio. Come by and say hello at Hat Tricks Sports Bar and Grill in Lewisville. Your home to great sports and great music.
Fantasy Football: Week 10 Waiver Wire Picks
Quarterbacks Alex Smith (SF) - Snag him as your QB2 if he is still on the wire. Sure he had 3 picks (2 on tipped balls), but Smith delivered solid fantasy numbers yet again with 286 yards and 2 TDs on 29 of 45 passing. He also scrambled for 11 yards and had a great fantasy day in the 49ers loss to TEN. Josh Freeman (TB) - The first round pick was TERRIFIC in his first start. He led the Bucs to victory and even threw the game winning TD late in the 4th quarter on a 4th down play amazing. He was just 14 of 31, but threw for 205 yards with 3 TDs, a 2 pt conversion and 1 INT. He also ran for 20 yards and should get plenty of chances to make plays given how bad the TB D is. I like this kid and when they get Antonio Bryant back, he will make some big plays.
Running Backs Ladell Betts (WAS) - Betts filled in for the injured Clinton Portis and looked very good against the Falcons. He ran 15 times for 70 yards with a TD. He also caught 1 pass for 23 yards and posted 93 total yards with a TD in limited action. Portis was knocked out with a concussion and there is a good chance he will be OUT next week which makes Betts a viable fantasy option against DEN in week 10.
es for 93 yards. He is a good WR3 when Moore is out.
Ahman Green (GB) - Green is the #2 back in GB and if you have Grant, he is the guy you want as insurance. He ran 6 times for 45 yards and caught a pass for 10 yards. He is also the KR in GB, so if you are in a return league, grab him.
Tight Ends Kevin Boss (NYG) - Boss scored for the 2nd straight week and if you need a TE, give him a look after the G-Men return from their bye in week 11.
Wide Recievers Devery Henderson (NO) - Solid 3 catch-
James Jones (GB) - Jones has really stepped up of late and had another great game in week 9. He led the Packers with 103 yards and a TD (74) on 4 catches. Now he has only 8 catches total over the last 4 games, but he has 3 TDs during that span, so if you are in a TD only league, give him a look.
Brandon Pettigrew (DET) - The 1st round pick was the lone bright spot for the Lions this week. He led the team with 7
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catches for 70 yards and a TD. With Calvin opening up the middle of the field (he has topped 60 yards in each of Calvin’s last 2 games), Pettigrew will have some solid games down the stretch as the Lions play catch up every week. Kickers Matt Stover (IND) - Multiple FGs (6 total) in the last two weeks and if you need a K, he is your guy. Defenses CIN DEF (CIN) - They held the Ravens to 7 points and had 4 sacks to go with 2 picks. With OAK, CLE, and DET coming up in weeks 11-13 grab them and use them for your playoff push.
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Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 9 1 tbsp maraschino cherry juice, and 2 dashes of bitters. Mix the whiskey, cherry juice, and bitters over ice, fill the remaining glass with the sour mix. Garnish with olives or a cherry, your choice. TEQUILA: Border Crossing Now of course you can always go with the tequila shot, but this drink’s a little more fun and tasty! 1 1/2 oz tequila, 2 tbsp lime juice, 1 tbsp lemon juice, 4 oz cola, and 1 lime wedge. Pour the tequila, lime juice, lemon juice, and cola into a high ball glass filled almost to the top with ice cubes. Stir well and garnish with your lime wedge.
RUM: Bahama Mama This tropical fruity drink will make you feel like you’re sitting on the beach with a beautiful tan. 1/2 oz lemon juice, 2 oz orange juice, 2 oz pineapple juice, 1 1/2 oz rum, 1 oz coconut rum, and 1/2 oz grenadine. Shaken over ice, stir in glass, and top with a cherry and a slice of orange. Little toothpick umbrella optional.
GIN: Gin Daisy Now I am not a big gin drinker, but anything with the word daisy in it, makes it sound worthwhile to at least try. This sweet, yet sophisticated drink contains 2 oz gin, 1 oz lemon juice, 1/2 tsp sugar, 1/2 tsp grenadine, 1 maraschino cherry, and 1 orange slice. Fill half of a shaker with ice and combine gin, lemon juice, sugar, and grenadine. Shake well! Pour in an old fashioned glass and garnish with the cherry and orange slice.
VODKA: Pink Cadillac My roommate introduced me to this one, as he created this delicious pink drink. Use 4 oz orange juice, 1 oz vodka, 1 1/2 oz orange vodka, 1/2 oz peach schnapps, and 1/2 oz grenadine. Shaken over ice, stir in glass, and served with a cherry. WHISKEY: Sour Old-Fashioned This is a traditional whiskey sour but with a twist. Try 1 1/2 oz whiskey, 5 oz sour mix,
By: Peggy Kilpatrick “Alcohol Connoisseur”
Voila! The next time you feel like going out of your comfort zone, try making or ordering one of these drinks, based on the five different main liquors; Rum, Vodka, Whiskey, Tequila, and Gin. Rest assured you will have a good time with good drinks!
blitzweekly.com
I
have the same dilemma every time I go to a bar and the bartender points at me, or raises their eyebrows, silently asking the question, “What’ll it be?” Shoot. A quick decision. Do I want the typical rum and coke? Or how about whiskey and coke. Maybe I’ll go for a cranberry vodka. Wait! A margarita sounds good right now. Gin and tonic? Usually I just settle down with the typical, simple, drink, but I think it is about time I start mixing it up. If you’re like me, here are a few new drinks that you can try at home when you’re thirsty, pertaining to which liquor appeals to your taste buds.
blitzweekly.com
10 Nov. 11 - 17, 2009
Rules of Drinking
By: Jennifer Wayne Foxie Chick
Leave video recording devices at home.
An ex recorded him and his friends pulling pranks on my drunk passed out body...on my flip camera. When I found out my ex had let all of his friends look at my boobs, it was over shortly thereafter.
A
s you relax on your soft leather couch watching your flat screen HD TV that sits in your penthouse inside the W overlooking Victory Plaza and the American Airlines Center, you share one simple thing in common with the guy across the street in the Jefferson North End apartments: YOU HAVE ABSOLUTE POWER OVER THE CONTENTS OF YOUR LIQUOR CABINET. But remember, with absolute power comes great responsibility. In college, it was acceptable to throw some bottles on top of the fridge or on the counter, but if you are like me and are cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, this particular piece
of furniture can make or break the image of your pad. If you spend the evening out in Dallas at PM, Ghostbar or Candleroom, do you really want to waste all the effort of getting in to these exclusive spots, finding the perfect 10 blonde, and bring her back to drink Voss water, Coors Light or Diet Coke? Hell to the No! That is why you treat this like the game it is and follow the art of war: “Every battle is won before it is ever fought.” You need to be versatile when it comes to stocking up on booze because preparation is the key whether you are hosting a gathering of buddies to watch the Dallas
Cowboys or TCU game or you have found that tanned blonde goddess that looks like she just stepped out of a Maxim photoshoot, the last thing you want to do is admit defeat by saying you do not have what someone desires. This is where the strategy of supply comes in to play. I call it “The Crowd Pleasers.” Fortunately I have an inside source (almost like getting to view the opposing team’s playbook!) because one of my close confidants, Emilie Carrillo is a local celeb bartender at The PuSSycat Lounge in Dallas, and she agreed to help me stock my wet bar for all occasions.
Take as little cash as possible to the club.
Estimate how much you will need for valet/ parking and cover and take only that. On more than one occasion, I have tipped 300% and not on purpose. Take comfort in knowing that most places will take cover on a credit card and taxi cabs take them now, as well.
Text the address of your one night stand to your best friend.
Haven’t you ever woken up and not known where you are? Now when you call your best friend and say, “I need you to pick me up, but I have no idea where I am,” they will already know.
Take two condoms. Do I need to explain this?
Put aspirin, water and pedialyte on your night stand before you start. You’ll thank me in the morning.
Don’t answer calls from your parents. Grandparents, either.
Pace yourself.
Nothing is more annoying than that one person in the group that gets wasted in half an hour and harasses the sober people. Don’t be that guy.
Bring your own beer to the party.
Even if it is just a 40. It says you care if your friends get enough to drink, too.
Keep the number of a cab service in your phone.
You don’t want to be in the paper tomorrow morning as the guy who took out twelve cars going down the wrong side of the freeway.
Don’t take the last beer/wine cooler/glass of wine.
Everyone will make a mental note that you are a total hole. At least offer it to every single person in the room before throwing it down the hatch.
By: Jayson Starr Man On The Inside
Emilies Ultimate insiders list Liquor
• Bourbon/Whiskey
(Crown Royal or Buffalo Trace)
• Gin
(Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray)
• Rum
(Pyrat if you’re a player, Bacardi is good) Spiced rum such as Sailor Jerry (like Captain Morgan with a kick)
• Vodka
(Belvedere is the player pick, Grey Goose is an excellent choice) She also personally recommends Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka.
• Tequila is a major part of the presentation and Emilie recommends Patron and El Viejo Luis. Women love tequila so this is a must!
• Scotch
(Johnnie Walker black label is a good choice or if you want to appear really sophisticated go with the blue label.)
Champagne and Wine • Dry Vermouth: Stock
(Always nice to have a bottle of champagne on hand...makes it look like you enjoy celebrating.)
• Sweet Vermouth: Martini & Rossi • Red & White Wine 1 bottle of each
This impo it wa unex
• Pe
a
• Se
r
• To •A
C
f
•B • Po
o
Ga
(mu Cra Gin oliv mix sau
ICE (very important, often neglected), cocktail shaker, strainer, jigger, corkscrew, cutting board, fruit muddler, wine bucket, knife, ice bucket & tongs and paper cocktail napkins (we got all of this stuff at Target!) Glasses for (red & white) wine, shots, champagne, and drinks (we stepped it up on this one and went to Neiman Marcus @ Northpark, but you could get away with a cheaper alternative, just don’t let it show.)
SNACKS
is a supply to keep on hand and is very ortant to the enjoyment of your guests, whether as planned or they just happened to drop in xpectedly.
Peanuts (dry roasted or honey roasted will
add a little flair)
esame Sticks (these are highly
recommended)
Tortilla Chips & Salsa (easy to prep) Assorted Cheeses and Wheat Crackers (for the easy to please) perfect
for the wine night
Beef Jerky (very easy to have on hand) Popcorn (different flavors for whatever the
occasion)
arnish mixers
musts to have on hand) anberry juice, Orange juice, soda water, tonic, nger ale, Coca-Cola, Lemon-lime soda, green ves, cherries, sweet and sour, bloody Mary x, margarita mix, salt and limes, Worcestershire uce & Tabasco. (Last 2 for Bloody Mary’s)
S
ince Emilie was so kind to share her knowledge with me and in turn all of the guys in DFW, the sky’s the limit! You can make anything from Cosmos, Cuba Libres, Martinis and Margaritas, to Boleros, Cape Cods and Mimosas, Bloody Mary’s. Even if you don’t really know how to prepare all of these drinks, there is a good chance they don’t either! Your friends will think you are THE MAN and be in complete envy. More importantly the girl of your dreams will be that much closer to becoming a reality when she sees that you are as cool as James Bond and right there in front of her bright blue eyes.
blitzweekly.com
Tools
Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 11
Dennis Hambright www.dennishambright.com
Things Men Should Never Do
by: Brian Beard
When boys are growing up, there’s a standard list of things we’re taught not to do. Common sense things like not sticking your tongue in a light socket or peeing on an electric fence or yanking up your zipper without making sure everything ‘important’ is safely out of the way. You know, those things that make sure we grow up healthy, happy men without brain damage or violent jerking reactions at the sound of a zipper. But sometimes men can get a little sidetracked by the media and what we’re told we’re ‘supposed’ to be comfortable with, so here’s a list of absolute no-no’s that every real man should tape to the back of his sun visor as a ‘Bro-Minder’ (I just made that up for those who’ve strayed so far from the manly path they still need to use the word ‘Bro’ to describe things until they’re completely healed)…
“Ultimate Fighter”
Randy Couture (16-10-0) vs. Brandon Vera (11-3-0): Old school vs. new school will be the story of this one. Vera has a very aggressive stand up style that heavily favors the knees. He is also damn good on the ground. We all know Couture is a living legend and is capable of beating just about anyone. I sadly see this fight as the fight that makes Randy truly consider retirement. Win or lose. If he wins, it is a respectable win to retire on. If he loses, he has to start to realize that he is not the same fighter he once was. Still amazing, but the game is slowly passing him by. It happens to every great fighter. I just hope that he realizes it in time. I think Vera will win via TKO in the 3rd. Couture will wonder if he should really hang up the gloves this time.
Mike Swick (14-2-0) vs. Dan Hardy (22-6-0): I see this being the fight of the night. These two fighters are both trying to climb the title ladder in the welter weight division. Both are very good strikers with a lot of speed and neither one is too shabby on the ground. Look for both to come out guns blazing and looking for the KO. They are both extremely aggressive and very dangerous. It may take them a minute or two to find their range but once they do, the action will be fantastic. With their excellent striking canceling each other out, I see Swick popping Hardy’s head off in the 3rd with a guillotine choke known as the Swickatine.
Michael Bisping (18-2-0) vs. Denis Kang (32-11-1): Will Bisping be able to bounce back after Dan Henderson took his lunch money in front of the entire world? This will not be an easy fight to have coming off of a fight where you were knocked into the 22nd century. Kang is a very well rounded fighter who has fought some very tough competition. He did struggle his first fight in the UFC but is coming off of a unanimous decision win. I feel this is a must win for both and I see Bisping taking this one. Unless he is gun shy? Bisping by 2nd round ref stoppage from brutal strikes! Presented By: The Gym • 921 West Mayfield #112 • Arlington, Texas 817-652-1555 • www.thegym.org
1 2 3 4 5
Have a Bromance: I’m pretty sure some swishy-britches came up
with this term when we figured out that being Metrosexual was a code word for depleting the testosterone level in the male species. Any man who claims to have a Bromance or a man-crush or any other mentally debilitating affliction should just ask the veterinarian if he’s got a two-for-one special when he takes his pooch by to get ‘fixed’, and get it over with. Somebody has to go to the Ice Capades and Broadway musicals…might as well be you.
Ask Permission From Your Wife:
Anytime a buddy asks if you want to go do something, no real man ever says, “Let me ask my wife (or girlfriend) if I can.” Even if you do have to ask permission, like a three-yearold wanting to play in the mud, don’t admit it. At least have the ‘cajones’ to make up an excuse like, “There’s been a gang of thugs terrorizing my neighborhood and I might have to kick some ass tonight…I’ll get back to you.” That way, if you really do have to ask ‘Attila-the-Honey’ for permission, you can save a little of what you vaguely remember as self-respect.
Whine:
Every time I hear a so-called man say something like, “I’ve got to work late again” or “I’m so tired” or “I don’t think I can” and say it in a hipitched whine like a kid who doesn’t want to put his toys up and go to bed, it makes me want to fill a sock with nickels and beat him until he really has something to whine about. Real men don’t whine! Here’s a rule just in case you ask, “Never?” If it’s broken or bleeding bad enough that you need an ambulance, then okay, maybe a little…but only after the ambulance door is closed and nobody but the paramedics can hear. They’re trained to deal with horrifying situations and get paid for it.
Name Your Bodyparts:
I don’t care how buffed-and-pumped you are, never, ever say, “Look at these guns.” And if you ever refer to yourself as having a ‘kickstand’, be prepared to spend a long, lonely life, because nobody is going to want to be your friend.
Buy Feminine Products: I don’t care how much she begs and
pleads, if it has ‘wings’ or promises to ‘smell like a field of wild flowers’, do not walk down that aisle and pick it up. The only exception would be Midol, because that’s just like buying life saving anti-venom for a cobra bite. People will know it’s a dire situation and understand your need for immediate relief.
blitzweekly.com
5
Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 13
14 Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 blitzweekly.com
FOOD REVIEW
The Pick of the Week:
MARGARITAS & MEXICAN FOOD
NIGHTLY SPECIALS! DINE-IN ONLY
MONDAYS ENCHILADA PLATE
TUESDAYS
FREE
MEXICAN BEERS ALL DAY
Solʼs Nieto Mexican Grill is XTENDED HAPPY HOUR a fun friendly 4PM TO CLOSE place with a jukebox THURSDAYS atmosphere, FAJITA SPECIAL BREAKFAST, LUNCH neighborhood feel, amazing & DINNER food and great SERVED DAILY FROM 9AM margaritas.
WEDNESDAYS
6434 E.MOCKINGBIRD DALLAS, TX 75214 214-826-5564
by: Richard S. Pollak
The Traveling Gourmet
When you walk into Jaxx Café, you walk into a New York or San Francisco styled steak joint. Complete with a continental décor of dark wood, etched glass partitions, spinning chandelier ceiling fans and brass bar accents. On the walls are memorabilia and restaurant accolades, some actually autographed, but some were just purchased and hung up by whomever decorated the room. Holly Hockey Sticks! I saw a photo of Boston Bruins Bad Boy Center Derek Sanderson in a WHA Philadelphia Blazers Hockey uniform. I could not believe it. I worked for the Blazers back in 1974 while playing ice hockey for Villanova University and there he was in all his orange and yellow uniform glory. Sanderson spent only 16 games as Captain of the Blazers before his agent negotiated his return back to the Bruins. Dinner, who cares about DINNER! I needed to figure out how to steal that photo! My play was to have such a lousy meal that I would complain and complain so much that management would say that they would do anything in the world to satisfy me and Sanderson’s photo would be my prize. Telling them that I was a restaurant critic for the Blitz Weekly would certainly add free desert! What a deal this was going to be! Unfortunately, the food and the service at Jaxx was outstanding. The portions were man-size served on huge grown up plates and the servers were attentive to every detail. We filled ourselves up on the freshly baked bread which was actually prepared on premise, served with honey infused butter that melted as it touched the soft tender insides of each crusty slice. The wine list was above average and while the bar was filled with a group of regulars and martini tippers, the dining room was comfortably filled with steak, seafood and pasta diners who enjoyed a good glass of wine! The Crab Cake appetizer was massive and the House Salad was a garden of greens and veggies with homemade vinaigrette that was enough for two to share. Someone forgot to tell Jaxx to “BRINKER-IZE” the plates making them smaller and flat so that it looks like you were getting more food! Jaxx appeared to have missed the update manual on small portions, large prices and did it the old fashioned way. You really get a plate full of what you paid for! We were advised to go with the Chilean Sea Bass and their famous Pepper Steak which seems to be copied onto every review ever done on this secret gem of a restaurant but we opted for the intriguing nightly specials. Mine was a large filet perfectly prepared with three Jumbo Shrimp and Garlic Mashed Potatoes. My wife had the grilled Scallops and Shrimp which were served with an Asian infused preparation. I traded for her Wasabi Mashed Potatoes and all of her Pickles Ginger. The 4 Scallops weighed at least 3 ounces each. I have never seen such large scallops that actually took 3 bites to eat. The only disappointment besides not getting the Sanderson photo was the Chocolate Pyramid Desert. At $7, I could appreciate the Pastry Chef’s attempt at creating a work of art with this hardened dark chocolate covered filled mouse in the shape of the ancients but it was only a two-biter. Jaxx Steakhouse • 14925 Midway Road - Suite 101 • Addison – 75001 972-458-7888 • www.jaxxsteakhouse.com
Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 15
Courtesy: www.gadgetreview.com
Created to celebrate country legends Brooks & Dunn’s farewell tour, the Tundra Midnight Rider Tailgater is yet another concept we wish a forward-thinking CEO would turn into reality. Based on the Tundra CrewMax Limited full-size 4x2 V8 pickup, the Rider features a Grill N Chill cooking space with countertops, infrared barbecue, beverage tap and an ice chest, an electronically operated tonneau cover, a bed-installed 42-inch HDTV, separate interior and in-bed Kicker sound systems, 20-inch Mickey Thompson polished aluminum wheels, 35-inch tires, a three-inch suspension lift, Bushwacker fender flares, and more. Price - TBA
Putt Arcade Golf Machine
Live in cold weather and have enough money to let yourself blow three year’s worth of greens fees on an electronic game? Then grab yourself a Putt Arcade Golf Machine. The same version that can be found in Dave & Buster’s, GameWorks, and other adult playground/watering holes across the country, Putt Arcade lets you play with real clubs and balls on two virtual courses — Las Vegas or Paradise Island — with up to four players. Features include a three speaker sound system, a hi-def 32-inch LCD screen, automatic ball return, and more. Price - $6,900
Sony Altus
Wiring your entire home for sound can be a huge pain — especially if you’re working on a historic or otherwise pre-existing residence — which is why we’re intrigued by the Sony Altus ($50-$700) system. Utilizing 2.4GHz wireless technology, the Altus system can push audio from the source of your choice, be it a stereo, TV, or iPod, to a maximum of eight separate speakers around your house, letting you “Party in the USA” no matter where you are. If that sounds a bit rich for your blood, there’s always the Rocketfish system, which also uses a 2.4GHz wireless audio standard. Price - $60-$200.
Unlock This Male Secret Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”
Both women and sex experts have been harping on the ability of females to have multiple orgasms while men have been boasting their ability to climax every time, an achievement that is out of reach for 20 percent of women (and feat to which Gary Shandling says, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”). Sexuality is an ongoing discovery, and the one that you can make right now is that it is also possible for men to have multiple orgasms. It’s not easy, but if you follow these guidelines you’ll not only last longer and be a better lover, but you may just find yourself skipping down Orgasm Avenue. First and most importantly you must find a way to master your sexual energy. The best way to do this is to relax. This will help you last longer during sex and also control the timing of climax. Relaxation is really key here because tension blocks your blood flow and the flow of your orgasmic energy. When you’re relaxed you can savor the sensations of every moment instead of rushing to the endpoint. Stop thinking about sex, because this is when self-doubt and anxiety can creep in and cause unwanted tension. Instead, get in the mindset of feeling sex. Pace yourself. So, now that you’re
relaxed it’s time not to focus on the orgasm but on pleasure, that way you won’t be tempted to race to the finish line. Just slow down and enjoy, but without trying to control your arousal. Focusing on pleasure instead of the climax will also help you maintain a high level of arousal without having an orgasm. Energy circulation is also an important concept to realize. Understanding the experience that happens during sex will help you achieve a full body orgasm. A vital part of attaining this intense orgasm is allowing your energy to spread throughout your body and away from your genitals. This will not only feel amazing, but will make you last much longer. Women are always saying how they love sensitive men, so imagine if you could move that energy to your heart, what a mind blowing experience it will be for both of you. When you’re nearing climax, ride the wave of it. When your pleasure amps up and is about to reach a fever pitch, one way to achieve multi orgasms is to go slow and just let the energy wash over you. Then when you’re finally riding the orgasmic wave, you may experience small, explosive orgasms before you reach the final big O.
blitzweekly.com
Tundra Midnight Rider Tailgater
By: Sybil Summers
sybilsummers.com
Top 10
Celebrity Stoners 10. Bob Marley- I know it’s a gimme, but I’d be remiss in my ranking duties to omit such a heavy-hitter (*cough*) from the list. 9. Harold & Kumar- The Cheech & Chong of Generation Y. 8. Michael Phelps- You know those pot-smoking pictures didn’t surface the first time he ever toked. You can’t get pregnant the first time, right? 7. Brad Pitt- His public display of puffection didn’t help dispel any rumors. 6. Willie Nelson- He’s made his own gasoline, written songs about gay cowboys and fleeced Uncle Sam out of $16 million. Willie, you will always be a badass. 5. Kevin Smith- Just last month, he was quoted as saying “I know you’re supposed to tell kids not to do drugs...but do weed!” 4. Mark StepnoskiBecause if the haircut didn’t give it away, his position as President of NORML’s Texas Chapter would. 3. Snoop Dogg- I’m not even giving a breakdown on this one. (See #10.) 2. Otto the Bus Driver- Don’t we all know a real-life version of this reefer-riffic Simpsons character? 1. Woody Harrelson- Nudist. Environmentalist. Vegan. Just another NORML guy.
Nov. 11 - 17, 2009 17
DOWN 1. Music with jazzlike riffs 2. Moist 3. Picnic insect 4. Deli loaf 5. Shackle 6. Wickedness 7. Economize 8. Sleigh 9. Snake-like fish 10. Fashionable 11. Pentateuch 12. Came to 13. Sanctify 18. Child 22. S 23. Without delay 24. Small drum 25. Crown 26. Initial wager 27. Set of playing cards 29. Floral leaf 30. Extra 31. Direction of the Pole Star 34. Heart artery 35. Do-nothing 36. Father 38. Program 39. Achy 41. Be fond of 42. Hawkish 43. Which person? 44. Modify written material 45. Dromedary 46. Poplar tree 47. Duty period 50. Largest continent 51. A hole for the escape of gas or air 52. Cards with just one symbol 55. Born 56. Tin 57. Outrage 58. Water barrier 59. Estimated time of arrival
Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex? A. Locking the car door. Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.
Joe The Plumber A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish.
During the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly. About Q: If your dog is barking 6:30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the at the back door and your bedroom shenanigans. wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in “That was my husband,” she said, putting first? down the phone. “He’s on his way home, A: The dog. He’ll shut up once but is going back to the office around 8 you let him in. p.m.. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.” Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? The union plumber looked at the woman A: Cowboys like to eat with in disbelief. “What? On my own time?” their hats on.
Horrorscopes
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
Your shopping star and credit card cycles are magically aligned. Avoid HSN and late night infomercials or be sentenced to six months of revolving debt.
You have a chance to be a hero this week with a small act of kindness. Don’t puss out.
Feeling good and looking good, Cancer. Try not to get into any trouble.
Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr 19)
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
A watched pot may not boil, but if you leave it totally unattended for long periods of time you can start a fire.
Time warps in a way that makes everything take ten times longer than you want. Schedule enjoyable activities only or suffer!
The eye of the tiger possesses you. Unfortunately so does the smell of the jungle. Avoid intimate encounters.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
Push it! Push it real good!
The bad mood bunny has jumped onto your back. Make sure your windows are rolled up before yelling at people in traffic.
Be a lover not a fighter this week. Back down just this once to avoid a little humble pie later in the week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Gemini (May 21 - Jan. 21)
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Hope springs eternal. Follow it up with cold, hard, action.
Your bargaining star is in retrograde. Just buy things at list price and save yourself time.
Enjoy your weekend. A shit storm is brewing for Monday. There’s nothing you can do about it.
blitzweekly.com
ACROSS 1. Horde 6. S S S S 11. Bar bill 14. Country in Africa 15. Gentleman’s gentleman 16. Wise bird 17. In an assiduously polite manner 19. Fish eggs 20. Suffered 21. Drips 23. Assault 27. Plates 28. The state of being pain-free 32. Diminish 33. Geologic period 34. A hand 37. Center 38. Incite 39. Fizzy drink 40. Equal Rights Amendment 41. Graph 42. Involving the entire planet 43. With uncondi- tional devotion 45. A kind of nut 48. Not bright 49. Find repugnant 50. Use to one’s advantage 53. Japanese apricot 54. Kills bugs 60. Imp 61. Parisian river 62. Unit of measure for gold 63. Permit 64. Warms 65. Bowel cleasing
blitzweekly.com
18 Nov. 11 - 17, 2009
by: Pat Moran
“Man On His Throne”
pmoran@gmail.com
Yankees Win Title the Old Fashioned Way
Well, the Yankees won again. Yep. 27 World Series championships. That is such a ridiculous number. It’s akin to saying like, “Holy Crap they spent a bazillion dollars on their team”. It’s so high it sounds like a lie. It especially sounds false to those American League West fans who have yet to see a championship in their lifetime. Excluding Rivera, who is legitimately good, is there a single likable Yankee? Take Matsui off the douche list because of the translation gap, Sabbathia for being a giant fozzie bear and erase every September call up (not really on the team in the first place) and what have you got? Start at the top of the Yankee hierarchy. King Jeter? What a smug a-hole. Is there anyone on this planet more overrated than Jeter? Yeah he is a gamer and yeah, he may be clutch. But he swaggers around acting like a DiMaggio but fully represents the complete arrogance of what Yankee nation has become. A-Rod. What a joke. First, it was realized on the AP wire that A-Rod owns (Warning: Douche Alert!) two (!) full sized paintings that depict him as a mythical Centaur, a half man/half horse. Not only has he been caught more than once sticking needles into his ass, the man is the epitome
of why baseball has become the laughing stock of sports. Honestly, is there anyone on the planet who is more unlikeable? Damon? Traitor. Posada? Whiny tool who can’t even get his teammates to like him. Burnett? Frat douche without a backbone. Joba? Wins the Roger Clemens “Giant Chin” award for being a fat moron without a decent breaking ball. He also is captain of the “Future forgotten has-beens” team, along with Cano, Hinske, Swisher, Melky and Towers. Pettitte? Typical case of a cheater who makes deer eyes at the press and is welcomed back with open arms. Not me though. Despicable. Teixeira? He’s a jerk for simply having the power to change the future of any other team in the bigs, but had to go out of his way to prove that there is no loyalty, backbone, pride or tact left in baseball and sign with the Yanks. The Yankees may have won another championship but they have also signaled the end of times for Baseball’s legitimacy. Let the swan song begin. Here we are, trying to teach kids to not follow the examples of the
‘Roid swallowing ball players but what are we giving them instead? By winning a championship with this team the Yankees have taught the country that when it comes to being a winner all you have to do is cheat, steal from other teams, sabotage other market economies, over pay and under sell, lie, boycott legitimate competition and suck the balls of the devil. Good job, MLB. Way to be a good role model. I hate you, Yankees. You are worse than the Swine Flu and SARS combined.
Crossword Solution