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VOL. 2 - ISSUE 6
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 3
Family Split Over Mackenzie’s Incest Claim
BLITZ News Shorts 3 Hollywood Profile / Movie Reviews 4 The Avett Brothers Latest Album 5 Cowboys Week 4 Preview 6 Rangers Sit at Home 7 Restaurant Review: Aw Shucks 8 Dallas Stars 2009–2010 Preview 9 COVER STORY: Battle for the Iron Skillet 10-11 BLITZ BABE: Casey 12 Fantasy Football Insight 13 That Just Ain’t Right 14 BLITZ Toys 15 Top 10 Things to Do at The Fair 16 Crossword / Jokes / Horrorscopes 17 Last Call: An Open Letter 18 PUBLISHER / EDITOR Kelly Reed CREATIVE DIRECTOR / WEBSITE / GRAPHIC DESIGN Damien William Mayfield COVER: Special Thanks to SMU & TCU Athletics, Matt Pearce and Damien William Mayfield PHOTOGRAPHERS Ronnie Baker, Darryl Briggs, Steven Hendrix, Matt Pearce, Brandon Uhr CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS Manny Flores, Joe Lorenzini, The Bum CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Joe Avezzano, Vivian Fullerlove, Robin George, Dennis Hambright, Rich Hancock, Andrew J. Hewett, Frank LaCosta, Pat Moran, Richard Pollak, Craig Smith, Sybil Summers, Eddie Stephens, Joe Stumpo, Tennessee Chris, The Bum and Jesse Whitman ADVERTISING SALES MANAGER Kelly G. Reed SALES REPRESENTATIVES Johnny Horton, Patrick Marshall CONTACT US MAIN NUMBER 972-663-9339 FAX NUMBER 972-960-8618 kreed@blitzweekly.com BLITZ Weekly P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK “Most of the hits I take come on top of the shoulder pads.” -- Eric Dickerson
Once Mackenzie Phillips revealed the shocking details of an alleged 10-year incestuous relationship with her father, Mamas & the Papas’ co-founder John Phillips, other members of the Phillips family were quick to respond. The release of the embattled actress’ memoir, “High on Arrival,” and her tell-all talk with Oprah Winfrey left opinions divided. “John was a bad parent, and a drug addict,” John Phillips’ ex-wife and bandmate, Michelle Phillips, admitted in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter. “But (have sex with) his daughter? If she thinks it’s true, why isn’t she with a good psychiatrist on a couch? I think it’s unconscionable that Oprah would let her do her show. I have every reason to believe it’s untrue. Oprah should be more judicious about who she has on her show.” Michelle Phillips insisted the story has its roots in addiction and jealousy and
possibly profit but not reality. “Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness,” the singer continued. “She’s had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently. She did ‘Celebrity Rehab’ and now she writes a book. The whole thing is timed. Mackenzie is jealous of her siblings, who have accomplished a lot and did not become drug addicts.” But one half-sibling, Michelle Phillips’ own daughter Chynna Phillips, disagrees her mother’s strong words of denial. “After long nights of heroin use, (Mackenzie is) claiming that she once woke up and that my father was on top of her having sex with her,” the former member of Wilson Phillips recounted to Us Weekly. “Was he actually raping her? I don’t know. Do I believe that they had an incestuous relationship and that it went on for 10 years? Yes.”
Chris Brown’s first concert deal since he assaulted ex-girlfriend Rihanna back in February is on the books. On Oct. 27, Brown will headline Power 105.1’s Powerhouse ’09 concert. Keri Hilson, The-Dream, Trey Songz, Mario, Day26 and Ginuwine will also perform. Concert promoters and music producers say the caliber of this lineup isn’t up to what Brown would have shared a bill with before the assault. “This is a pretty C-list lineup,” said one promoter who’s not involved in the show at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, NJ. “Keri Hilson is good, Ginuwine has some following, but this is nothing like the lineup that would have surrounded him this time last year. Chris was the Michael Jackson heir apparent, he had huge endorsement deals. This isn’t the sort of show you would have expected from him before he got in trouble.” Brown still isn’t considered a “safe” booking, according to some music insiders, but for this concert, Brown was worth the risk. “Chris isn’t advertiser-safe yet — his image has a long way to go,” said a producer. “But for this show, he’ll draw a crowd, so the producers of the show are willing to pay. Just because he pled guilty doesn’t mean that all his fans have gone away. And he’s got to start getting back onto the scene at some point, it might as well be here.”
Chris Brown Takes Stage with C-list Lineup
Andrew J. Hewett www.chewednews.com
MAYBE THEY COULD GIVE ALL THE KIDS RITALIN, FIRST? According to Reuters in 2005, the Coffee Industry Association of Brazil offered to help fund one-million daily breakfasts for school children as young as age six, if the meals also included Brazilian coffee.
THANK GOODNESS WE NOW HAVE VIDEO GAMES Bloodiest battle ever inside the shores of the U.S.A. occurred on September 17, 1862. That day, Union soldiers fought Confederate invaders in the Civil War Battle of Antietam, where, in about 12 hours (5:30am - 5:30pm), some 23,000 Americans died ....... killed by each other. MAN’S BEST FRIEND HANGING OUT IN THE WRONG PLACE Main instigator of the Salem Witch Trials (1692), Cotton Mather (1663-1728), caused the hangings of 14 women and 5 men. (Giles Corey refused to cooperate during his wife’s trial and was pressed to death beneath a heavy millstone.) Even a village dog, seen acting “peculiarly,” was found guilty of being ridden by a warlock, and hanged.
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4 Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009
HOLLYWOOD PROFILE BLITZREVIEWS with Bruce Willis
Wa s t i n g o u r m o n ey s o yo u d o n ’t h a ve t o !
Vivian Fullerlove
“Entertainment’s Real Critic”
This is a biggie for me. I absolutely, unabashedly, love…love…love Bruce Willis. So, you can imagine my excitement when I saw the trailer for his new film Surrogates! Willis plays an FBI agent simply known as Greer. The film takes place in a time when people are living their lives remotely from the safety of their own homes via robotic surrogates -- sexy, physically perfect mechanical representations of themselves. It’s an ideal world where crime, pain, fear and consequences don’t exist. When the first murder in years jolts this utopia, Greer discovers a vast conspiracy behind the surrogate phenomenon and must abandon his own surrogate, risking his life to unravel the mystery. We talked with Willis about the film and some of the 54 year old actor’s incredible stunt work! What attracted you to this film? I’ve always been a fan of science fiction. It has a film noir aspect to it that I like, and there’s a kind of broken romance in the middle of it that I thought was interesting.
“Megan Fox, OMG!”
By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
Diablo Cody’s follow-up to her Oscar winning screenplay, Juno, (2007) offers only half as much of the clever wit that won her the gold statue. “Jennifer’s evil,” says Needy Lesnicky (Amanda Seyfried) of her “best friend forever”, Jennifer Check (Megan Fox). “No, I mean she’s actually evil. Not high school evil.” Jennifer goes from being the most popular cheerleader in school to becoming a voracious man eater, literally, after being sacrificed by a satanic band who mistake her for being a virgin. The film has no message and the storyline is so scattered off. The film’s only selling point, ok, two selling points are the chance to see Fox swimming naked in a pond and the lesbian make out scene between her and Seyfried.
PICK OF THE WEEK
What exactly is surrogacy in the movie? The original idea of surrogacy began as a creation by one of the characters in the film, Dr. Cantor, to create robotic limbs, which is great technology. I’m sure one day we’ll have that to a much more technologically advanced position than it is even now. But in the film, they take the idea a little too far. And of course there’s an unimaginable crime that occurs and your character has to solve the mystery. It’s a big deal in the world of surrogacy that anyone would choose to take another life and actually do it through surrogacy, but there is a group that is rebelling against surrogacy and the fact that everyone is just gone surrogate crazy. So that’s where the murder mystery comes in. I’m always fascinated by the physical prowess of action movie actors; so, tell me about your stunt work in the film because I know you enjoy doing your own stunts. I did a lot of wire work, a lot of flying around. One of my favorite shots in the film is when I get impacted by the car which is very startling. What can audiences most look forward to? It’s got some great action in it, and I think the whole cast did a really good job. What can I say, he’s a man of few words, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We like our heroes to be the strong silent type, right? Surrogates is open in theatres nationwide. The film is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence, disturbing images, language, sexuality and a drug-related scene. For all of this week’s new releases and more of your favorite celebrities, check out my show Reel Critics on Time Warner Cable Video on Demand under the North Texas programming tab!
By: Joe Stumpo - www.darthstumpo.com
This clever, animated science fiction film was gone from theaters in a week last May, lost in the shuffle of big budget hits. Sure the outer space battles look as though they are channeling Star Wars and this past Summer’s Star Trek movie. What works here is the story where the remains of the human race, who after our home planet is destroyed, attempt to take over an alien Earthlike world as a means of survival. In other words, we’re the villains. Aside from being given a second chance on DVD, perhaps someone out there will choose to do a live action $100 plus million remake with real actors and expensive digitally enhanced visual effects.
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 5
North Carolina’s The Avett Brothers have released an epic new album produced by the legendary Rick Rubin. Gentle readers, I know that I do not need to recite Rubin’s Curriculum Vita; however, for those who really do not know, he has produced some of the best and brightest artists in latter 20th century musical history, from the Red Hot Chili Peppers to Jay-Z to Johnny Cash. His touch has emulsified albums into annuls of the American musical cannon, and this new venture with the Avett Brothers is no different. A quintessential album immediately at first listen, I and Love and You poises indie darlings Seth and Scott Avett, Bob Crawford and Joe Kwan to break on through to the proverbial mainstream other side. Despite not having read any reviews for I and Love and You, I feel fairly confident in the angle most will take. Let’s bypass this altogether and talk about how much better this album is than Emotionalism, or even, gasp, Mignonette. This album is chock full of moments: the sloppy intermingling of vocals on “It Goes On and On”, the parlor piano of “Kick Drum Heart,” and even the tricky banjo picking of ballad “Ten Thousand Words” are all evocative and stunningly created and played.
The self-titled opener starts sluggishly, as if the band is wrestling us from a deep sleep. Scott and Seth harmonize in arrestingly beautiful fashion with the lines, “Brooklyn, Brooklyn / Take me in.” A string accompaniment opposes the rising vocals and optimistic piano. Very few acoustic bands handle the build-up as emotionally as The Avett Brothers, and if this is your first experience – whether with the band or just to the album – you won’t be disappointed. The arrangement’s simplicity makes each note all the more important, which also means we’re rapt in a way that’s been rarely duplicated in 2009. “The Perfect Space” continues this barebones mentality by hanging its hat on a simple piano and soothing harmonies, bristling with a mid-song tempo change that casually diffuses into a second part of the track that erupts into a porch hoedown bursting with energy. “Laundry Room” features one of the group’s catchiest choruses. “Head of Doubt, Road Full of Promise” might be a radio rock ballad if any of its instruments
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The Avett Brothers Latest Album
Tennessee Chris “Music Snob”
MUSIC: Avett Brothers 1. I And Love And You
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
2. January Wedding
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
3. And It Spread
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
4. Perfect Space
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
5. Kick Drum Heart
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
6. Laundry Room
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
7. I’ll With Want
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
8. Tine Man
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
9. It Goes On And On
used electricity. Organs, horns, virtuoso strings and the most memorable melodies of their career position the Avett Brothers for commercial success. Buy this album immediately. Blare it through headphones or car stereos this fall – you’ll see – it will perfectly accompany languid fall afternoons and late night front porch shenanigans. Happy listening!
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Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
10. Ten Thousand Words
Acett Brothers - I And Love And You
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6 Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009
Kent State RB has Big Heart Eugene Jarvis is a 5-5, 170-pound senior running back from Kent State and one of the most dangerous offensive threats in college football. It’s amazing that a man of such small stature could gain 3,268 yards rushing in his first three seasons. He has rushed for at least 100 yards 16 times in his college career. In his first game this season he rushed for 141 yards against Coastal Carolina. His season came to an abrupt end when he suffered a lacerated kidney in the September 12th loss against Boston College. He is the ultimate teammate after pleading with coaches to let him go back into the game. The doctors who examined him discovered that he had been born with only one kidney. He is so dedicated to his team that he ignored the advice of his doctors to attend the following
Sportsologist - Craig Smith
week’s game in a wheelchair. He will need two months to recover thus ending his season and most likely his college career. He is already a fifth year senior after redshirting as a freshman because of eligibility problems. He is set to graduate this December. He has faced adversity in his personal life as his mom has battled cancer and an aneurysm. Kent State has asked the NCAA to grant him a sixth season. Head coach Doug Martin looks at Jarvis like a son and has become pretty animated about the whole thing. Martin was disheartened by the injury saying “If this kid doesn’t get a sixth year, everybody in Kent should storm the NCAA, and we should burn the place down.” His statement may be a little harsh but I am quite sure he was speaking on emotion. The NCAA has made poor decisions in the past on players and two Kent State players were recently denied an extra year. Jarvis dreams of one day playing in the NFL. He could be the next Darren Sproles who is only an inch taller. I am not sure what his future in college football will be. I think they should give the kid a break and let him play one more year. He is an inspiration to others. With his heart and dedication I know he will be playing again somewhere, someday.
THE MESSAGE IS SIMPLE!!!
- Joe Avezzano “The Coach”
The message really is simple. Play the tive and had a sack and Jenkins got his first Giants, turn the ball over 4 times, get no interception of the year. No matter how exturnovers and lose. Play Carolina, have citing a game may be, this recipe is always no turnovers, get 3 sacks and 3 turnovers a good one for a victory. and win. The Cowboys met the Now after a 2-1 challenge of getting start the Cowboys head the ship righted and to Denver for the 3-0 beat a struggling Bronco’s. Yes that is 3Carolina team 21-7. 0! The problem someThis wasn’t a partimes for a team is that ticularly stimulating they know a lot about game to watch, espesome of their oppocially in the first half nents and very little but they did what they about others. Denver had to do in the secis one they know litond half to secure the tle about. They know victory. Good things: that they haven’t had Romo played very effia very good team in ciently and had no turna few years. It will overs, the running game be up to the coaches again was outstanding to keep their nose as they rushed for over to the grindstone 200 yards in back to so that preparation back games for the first remains at a high time since the 70’s. The level. Denver has defense got their first 3 been a team that nnie Baker sacks of the year, Newhas been so average or below that it Photo by: Ro man had an interception returned for a cost Mike Shanahan his job and brought in TD, rookie Victor Butler got two sacks Josh McDaniels. The off season was a seand forced a fumble. Ratliff was very ac- ries of drama between McDaniels and star players. It appeared McDaniels was mishandling the situation and maybe was in over his head. Now with the 3-0 start he has some leverage with his team. Do they really have a good team? I’m nowhere convinced that they are a top team. To beat an improved Bengal team on a fluke play and then defeat bad Cleveland and Oakland teams doesn’t earn the right of passage. But there are reasons they are 3-0. Much maligned Kyle Orton hasn’t turned the ball over as the new QB of the Bronco’s. Buckhalter and rookie Knowshon Moreno give them a sound running game. The receiving core is talented, headed by troubled Brandon Marshall. But the biggest turnaround as of right now is the defense. In three games they have given up one TD and in the last two they have given up none. Their defense is highlighted by LB Andra Davis and sack master Elvis Dumervil who has 6 sacks in the 3 games. Champ Bailey is still an elite corner and their kicking game is solid. So the message is simple. Go to Denver and play like you did against Carolina and you win. Go to Denver and play like you did against the Giants and you could suffer a loss against a team that is not as good as you are. Which team will show up? Coach Joe can be heard on KHYI 95.3 on Tuesday nights 7-9pm and on ESPN radio. Come by and say hello at Hat Tricks Sports Bar and Grill in Lewisville. Your home to great sports and great music.
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 7
Baseball Guru - Eddie Stephens
Kevin Millwood Stats GS W 2008 29 9 2009 12 10
CG 3 189.2
Frank Francisco Stats G W 2008 58 3 2009 49 2
L 5 2
Ian Kinsler Stats G 2008 121 2009 136
AB 518 540
R H 102 165 95 135
Michael Young Stats G AB 2008 155 645 2009 130 522
R H 102 183 76 168
Josh Hamilton Stats G AB 2008 156 624 2009 89 336
R 98 43
- Frank LaCosta
Photo by: Matt Pearce / sportsshooter.com/mattman
L 10 2
SV 5 24
H 190 90
Desire Downs Dream 20 - 6
Let’s take a look at what the Texas Rangers have accomplished this year. With the additions of pitchers Derek Holland, Tommy Hunter, Neftali Feliz, and Darrin O’Day, the Rangers have improved their chances of making a late season push. Even though there is somewhat of a chance for the Rangers to make the postseason, it is just unlikely that they will win the rest of their games and the Angels losing the rest of theirs. Bringing back Pudge Rodriguez was a little effective, but not good enough. The Rangers have the best farm team in all of baseball, and with IP H ER HR BB ERA WHIP the season over this week, they 168.2 220 95 18 49 5.07 1.59 need to focus on the future. Justin 188 79 25 70 3.75 1.36 Smoak needs to be called up, because his number is up. He is IP H ER HR BB ERA WHIP among 23 players to join Team 63.1 47 22 7 26 3.13 1.15 USA in the World Cup in Europe. 47.2 37 17 6 13 3.21 1.05 The Rangers would be stupid if they do not pursue him further. HR RBI BB K SB AVG OBP Chris Davis is pretty much done, 18 71 45 67 26 .319 .375 and Hank Blalock gave it a shot, 31 84 55 76 30 .250 .323 but no. The 2010 season could be good for the Rangers considering how far and close they got to HR RBI BB K SB AVG OBP 12 82 55 109 10 .284 .339 October. If they continue to 22 67 46 87 8 .322 .375 make moves and call up pitchers consistently, they won’t have to watch the playoffs on TV, but will HR RBI BB K SB AVG OBP 32 130 64 126 9 .304 .371 get to experience them first hand, 10 54 24 79 8 .268 .315 and possibly give Rangers fans a baseball team to cheer for.
T
his past Friday, the Dallas Desire opened its season against the Denver Dream at QT Park in Grand Prairie. The tone was set at kickoff as the Desire swarmed to the ball. The Dream could not get their running game going, however QB Erika Trujillo did have some nice passes. The Dallas Desire struck first with a rushing TD by # 16 Crystal London. Unfortunately the PAT failed as the snap was bobbled between center and qb. The score was 6 zip. Later in the game, #8 Gabrielle Marie had a helluva run looking for Dream players to punish. This set up the second TD which was a pass to # 17 Candis Mosley. The extra point was good giving the Dallas Desire a 13-0 lead. The desperate Denver Dream ground game continued to stall as the first half wound down with a couple of fumbles. The Dallas Desire though were unable to capitalize on the mistakes. As pressure mounted and frustration grew, the Denver Dream found themselves trying to air it out. The Desire secondary stood their ground causing a skirmish between the two teams towards the end of the first half. The Desire were able to score early in the second half with a successful PAT conversion. They led 20-0. Not to be shut out, the Denver Dream mounted a successful drive scoring with # 5 Rebecca “BK” Main. The PAT failed and the Desire led 20-6. On the final drive of the game, the Desire were able to methodically rundown the clock to the Dream 1 yard line as time expired. The Dallas Desire take their 1-0 record on the road and play the San Diego Seduction on October 16th at 7pm. Visit www.lflus.com for more details. 7 / Ê/ -/ ,-Ê , t
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Rangers Sit at Home in October
Oklahoma vs
(8)
Miami
(17)
Saturday, Oct 3 – 7pm – Dolphin Stadium – ABC
A battle between a pair of one loss teams with the loser knocked completely out of the BCS Title picture. Since losing to BYU, the Sooners are 2-0 while scoring 109 points and giving up none. The Canes had their hats handed to them in a huge loss against the Hokies.
Baltimore vs New England Sunday, Oct 4 – Noon – Gillette Stadium – CBS
The undefeated Ravens visit the Patriots for this marquee match up. Brady is still working out the kinks with the offense while Flacco and company are hitting on all cylinders. Both defenses have played very well. The winner should have the inside track for home field in the playoffs.
WEEK 4 Sun., Oct. 4 At Houston
LINE -9.5
Tennessee
-3
LINES
OPPONENT Oakland
TIME Noon
At Jacksonville
Noon
At New England -2
Baltimore
Noon
Cincinnati
-5.5
At Cleveland
Noon
NY Giants
-9
At Kansas City
Noon
At Chicago
-10.5
Detroit
Noon
At Washington
-7
Tampa Bay
Noon
At Indianapolis
Off
Seattle
Noon
At New Orleans -6.5
NY Jets
3:05pm
Buffalo
At Miami
3:05pm
At San Francisco -10
-2.5
St. Louis
3:15pm
Dallas
-2.5*
At Denver
3:15pm
At Pittsburgh
-6.5
San Diego
7:20pm
Mon., Oct. 5 At Minnesota
LINE -3.5
OPPONENT Green Bay
TIME 7:35pm
8 Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 blitzweekly.com
FOOD REVIEW
by: The Bum
Photos by: The Bum
The Pick of the Week:
Aw Shucks is about as casual as it gets. It draws an eclectic, ethnically-diverse crowd that comes for the great beach-front type seafood.
SETTING
10 or 12 outdoor tables of heavy boards, mostly open-air, under roof. You place your order inside and take it outside. Other patrons pull up a stool to the stainless counter next to the open kitchen. Payment is on the honor system. So remember what you ordered, because when you’re done, you have to go back to the counter and recite it correctly so they can ring it up. This can be harder than it sounds if you’ve had 3 or 4 beers. I know. The crowd is incredibly diverse ... middle-aged white people, Hispanic families with strollers, Black chicks in tank tops, guys in ties, Asians, bikers, and everybody else. They all fit right in.
FOOD
Watch Your Favorite
COLLEGE TEAM HERE Cowboys vs. Broncos Sunday - 3:15pm
BEER & DRINK SPECIALS Sat. Oct. 3 - 9pm Blue Moon Fever Sun.-Tues. Texas Hold’em Wednesday $3 U-Call-Its & DJ Clo Thursday Karaoke
601 Cross Timbers #108 Flower Mound 972-539-1717 www.pointafternorth.com
Oysters on the half shell, shrimp, crab, crawfish (in season), catfish, gumbo, it’s all there. The gumbo has some heat - you probably won’t need the Tabasco bottle. Their house specialty, Shrimp Cocktail, is outstanding – cold tiny peeled shrimp, plus chopped avocado and chopped onions with a red sauce, served in a cold glass mug with a long spoon. You can get it mild or spicy (which is not that hot). The popular ceviche (marinated fish) is similar, but served on a bed of chips, and it’s probably the best I’ve ever had. And when the crawfish are in season, diners can be seen energetically tearing into steaming piles of the little mud bugs, boiled red, dusted in that hot crab seasoning, served with boiled potato and corn. Grab a roll of paper towels off the counter and throw your necktie over your shoulder.
BEER
Mug, pitcher or bottle.
AMBIANCE
Beach front on the street front. The original building, which is pretty much hidden by all the patios now, looks like it was probably a 1952 hamburger stand or malt shop. Mix your own oyster sauce. The restrooms are outside, around back, and don’t expect anything fancy there.
BOTTOM LINE
This is a good place to go any day of the year -- and it’s a GREAT place to go when the weather is nice, which it is most of the year in Dallas. Aw Shucks • 3601 Greenville Ave., Dallas TX • 214-821-9449 • awshucksdallas.com
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 9
In his first move as GM, Neiwendyk changed the coaching philosophy of the Stars back to the days of Stanley Cup Champion Coach Ken Hitchcock with the hiring of Marc Crawford. The fiery coach with a Stanley Cup ring as former coach of the Colorado Avalanche says that he will play a more aggressive style of hockey allowing his defensemen to attack more into the offensive zone. Crawford is known for hardworking his players and his style differs from Dave Tippett, who was more of a players’ coach with a more conservative defense first philosophy. Crawford will open the flood gates to allow Riebero, Richards, Modano and Ericksson, the green light to take more chances on offense instead of overbearing them with defensive responsibilities.
The offense will rely on Mike Ribeiro and former Conn Smythe (Stanley Cup MVP) award winner Brad Richards who are both pushing to become the number one line center. You can add 36 goal scorer Loui Eriksson, 2ND year pro James Neal, Captain Brenden Morrow and newcomer Jamie Benn, who lead the Stars in preseason scoring to their top six. The question is what shape will Stars icon Mike Modano be in for the second half stretch if he makes the U.S. Olympic team for the fourth time. The Stars are hoping that former Frank Selke winner Jere Lehtinen can make a successful recovery from a constant variety of nagging injuries. The fans should look for forwards Fabian Brunnstrom and Rookie Ray Sawada to fight for ice time! Last year, the Stars succeeded in developing Center Steve Ott, who came into his own, not only as an agitator but as a successful scorer.
The defense while given the green light to be more attacking is going to have to play better defensively and support netminder Marty Turco in front of the net. With the off season additions of veterans Karlis Skrastins and Jeff Woywitka, coach Crawford has eight solid defensemen to choose from. In their third season on the blue line, Nicklas Grossman, Matt Niskanen and Mark Fistric will once again take the majority of ice time on defense after All-Star Stephane Robidas and Trevor Daley. Robidas is the unsung hear of the Stars since he almost singlehandedly carried them through the Western Conference finals, 2 years ago. Spending the majority of time at one of the points on the Stars power play along with Brad Richards at the other, the Stars look to have their most consistent power play with Robidas since their Stanley Cup Championship Season.
In goal, netminder Marty Turco has to return to previous successes and perform well and beyond what he has ever done before in order for the Stars to be a factor in the playoffs. Turco’s inconsistency is largely due to his overwork by former coach Dave Tippett, who had to run through the end of the season without capable backup goaltending whatsoever. This year, GM Joe Niewendyk went out to the free agency market and snatched up veteran backup Alex Auld. With Coach Crawford’s familiarity with Auld’s ability as his former number #1 in Vancouver, he will be expected to give Turco much needed rest for at least 1015 games this year. After losing a bidding war on the services of Swedish up and coming goalie, Jonas Gustavsson, I would have preferred that the Stars still go for a more topline goalie to challenge Turco for #1 like former Stars Goalie Manny Fernandez.
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Last season, the Dallas Stars finished 12th in the Western Conference. Failing to make the playoffs and resulting in the firing of the experimental Co-GM’s Brett Hull, Les Jackson and Coach Dave Tippett. Owner Tom Hicks looks to bring back the old hockey culture that won them a Stanley Cup Championship with the hiring of former Conn Smythe Trophy winner (Stanley Cup MVP) Joe Niewendyk as their new GM. Last year, the Stars were hoping that spending $4 million dollars a year on Center Sean Avery would have turned out to be the final piece to propel the Stars to the Western Division Championship and the Stanley Cup instead of becoming an unprecedented nightmare both on and off the ice. Key injuries to Captain Brenden Morrow, Defenseman Serge Zubov, RW Jere Lehtinen and Center Brad Richards accounted for a league leading 379 games missed by roster players. With everyone back to health and a roster sprinkled with youthful enthusiasm, the Stars are excited about going deep into the playoffs, this season.
The five keys to the Stars season will be: Better goaltending, adjusting to a new more aggressive offensive system for their defensemen, a productive second half of the season for icon Modano after the Olympics, more contributions from their youthful forwards and to stay healthy. Coach Crawford will immediately be put on the hot seat to get results after his last short tenure coaching in Los Angeles. Crawford must move quickly to instill his more aggressive style and get the players to buy into his system and the entire team must get on the same page right away!
Photos by: Matt Pearce / sportsshooter.com/mattman
by: Richard S. Pollak - “That Hockey Guy”
blitzweekly.com
10 Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009
by: Eddie Stephens
T
he Mustangs head to Ft. Worth for the annual Battle for the Iron Skillet. The series hasn’t been very kind to them recently winning only once since 1999. In addition to the alumni, current students and fans, the Mustang Maniacs should be out and about. They are a special breed of student who is in good standing with the school and will stand out with their Mustang Maniacs shirts. Fans often show their support with their hand sign which is “The Pony Ears”. Peruna VIII the mascot, might be present as well. The mighty Mustang has been a part of the SMU family since 1932. Unlike you, Peruna has slept in every one of the Panhellanic Sorority houses. Peruna has also defecated at midfield during a previous Iron Skillet game. This was done the week that TCU unveiled its brand new Field Turf! To show support for the team, on Fridays; SMU students wear red or blue shirts. However on Saturdays, students and fans wear red shirts. Some might actually have an “official game day shirt” which is always red and usually features a clever saying or some humorous play on words. It’ll be interesting to see what is unveiled this year! Established in 1911 and its first building is named Dallas Hall in recognition to the $300,000 secured by the city’s residents. The centerpiece was built on a hill earning SMU the nickname “The Hilltop”. The school’s colors were selected by SMU’s first president, Robert S. Hyer. He chose Harvard crimson and Yale blue in order to symbolize the university’s high standards. Their motto is: The Truth Shall Set You Free. If the Mustangs are victorious you’ll hear the school fight song Peruna. If you can’t make it to the game or the Mustangs are on the road, catch them on 1310am The Ticket.
Photos by: Matt Pearce / TCU Athletics / SMU Athletics / Manny Flores
by: Craig Smith
History of th
On October 3 SMU will TCU to play in the Battle year the Horned Frogs wo 48-7. These two teams hav rivalry game in all but six holds a slight edge in the ker, Battle for the Iron Sk the 1950’s when a SMU be funny to fry some frog TCU fan saw this and told little too far. The TCU fan the game would resolve w frog legs. That year TCU w let. The tradition caught o SMU holds the longest st with 15 from 1972-1986 in the series. Famous pla this game include LaDain Sammy Baugh, Davey O’ Meredith, Jerry Ball, Eric and Craig James. Which from this year’s game? Se
T
he TCU Horned Frogs who are currently ranked #11 have won 10 or more football games 5 of the last 7 seasons. They have also managed 11 wins in six of those seasons. In 2008 they went 11-2 and finished seventh in the AP & USA Today polls. They have been to bowl games in 10 of the last 11 years. The Horned Frogs are one of a handful of teams who have a current winning streak of at least four in a row. TCU has had 36 first team All Americans. Claimed two National championships in 1935 & 1938. The Horned Frog which is actually a lizard has been the mascot longer than TCU has been the school name. The school was originally located in Waco called AddRan Christian University but changed its name to TCU in 1902. The Horned Frog is the State Reptile of Texas. HyperFrogs is a student group that are avid fans of TCU sports. They can often be seen sporting purple on game day. On game day you can catch the festivities at Frog Alley starting two hours before kickoff. It is located outside the East side of the Stadium, next to Dee J. Kelly Alumni and Visitors Center. Some of the festivities include: live music, a tent open to everyone with food and drinks, ESPN Radio PreGame Shows, the TCU band performs around 45 minutes before kickoff, TCU cheerleaders and SuperFrog make appearances. The Iron Skillet is a big deal for both schools but would be a bigger deal if SMU could get their football program off the ground. There will be lots of drinking going on by current students 21 years old and up(wink, wink) and the Alumni. If all goes well (and it should against SMU) they will be singing one of the oldest cheers in college sports RIFF RAM BAH ZOO.
by: Craig Smith
l travel 40 miles west to e for the Iron Skillet. Last on this game convincingly ve faced each other for this x seasons since 1915. TCU series 40-39-7. The monikillet supposedly started in student thought it would g legs before the game. A d him he was taking this a n suggested the winner of who gets the skillet and the won the game and the skilon and history was made. treak of consecutive wins 6. Since 1999 TCU is 8-1 ayers who have played in nian Tomlinson, Bob Lilly, ’Brien, Larry Brown, Don Dickerson, Forrest Gregg future star could emerge ee for yourself!
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he Iron Skillet
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 11
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 13
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Fantasy Football Week 4 Wavier Wire Presented By Sportsmoneymanagers.com, Written By Fantasy Consultants.com
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BEVERAGE DEPOT.BIZ
QBs. 1. David Garrard (JAC) Another solid fantasy day for Garrard, who threw for 214 yards on 18 of 30 passing, but did most of his damage with his legs. He ran for 29 yards and a TD on the day to add some serious points on the ground. Solid backup QB and spot starter. 2. Seneca Wallace (SEA) He isn’t Matt Hasselbeck, but he can be a pretty solid fantasy QB if called upon. He threw for 261 yards with 1 TD and 1 INT against the Bears and is a good pickup if Hass misses any more games. The Hawks face a soft Jags pass D next week, so he is a good pickup and play.
RBs 1. Pierre Thomas (NO) Lynell Hamilton got all of the early carries and the first TD and it looked like another bust of a day for Thomas. Well, then in the 2nd half, he put the team on his back and looked like the guy we all expected to finish in the top 15. He ran 14 times for 126 yards and 2 TDs (both in the 4th quarter) to seal the deal. He looked as healthy and as good as ever. Hopefully, this gets him his starting job back. He should be in all lineups again next week. 2. Fred Taylor (NE) The Pats got back to rushing the ball and Taylor sure did look like a featured back this week. He ran a team high 21 yards for 105 yards and a TD. He is the team’s GL back and has scored in 2 of his 3 games up north. He is a great grab off the wire if someone cut him and is a solid RB3/Flex option. No other RB took more than 5 carries, so Taylor looked like the man this week. WRs 1. Kevin Walter (HOU) Walter finally made his 2009 debut and boy did he make the most of it. He led the Texans with 7 catches for 96 yards and a TD in his first game back and showed no ill effects from his hammy injury. He is a great WR3 and if he somehow was cut in your league, get him. 2. Nate Burleson (SEA) Nate was the top target for Seneca Wallace and led the Hawks with 9 catches for 109 yards. He has been the leading WR on the team and is a great WR3 right now. He was dropped in some leagues after the Hass injury go get him TEs 1. Brent Celek (PHI) He was my sleeper TE of the year, but this is ridiculous. Celek topped 100 yards for the 2nd straight week as he caught 8 passes for 104 yards and a TD. He has now scored or topped 100 yards in every game this year. WOW. He is a must start going forward. 2. Vernon Davis (SF) The Vikes continue to struggle with opposing TEs. Davis had the best game of his pro career, catching 7 passes for 96 yards and 2 TDs. If you need a TE next week (ie have Celek or Gonzo on bye), he is a solid pickup and play against the Rams. Ks 1. John Carney (NO) Multiple FGs again 2. Nate Kaeding (SD) - 3 more FGs for Kaeding, who is a great fantasy K on the excellent Chargers offense. DEFs 1. SF D (SF) Despite the late TD from Favre, the SF D was great in this game. They had 2 sacks, an INT and blocked a FG that they returned for a TD. They face STL next week and are a great start. 2. DEN D (DEN) Another dominant performance. They held OAK to 3 points and 137 yards of total offense. They had 2 INTs, 1 fumble recovery and 3 sacks in a complete manhandling of the Raiders. The schedule gets a lot harder, but they look like they are pretty darn solid.
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14 Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 Dennis Hambright www.dennishambright.com
That Just Ain’t Right! I don’t know what’s going on these days, but there used to be a distinct line between what was socially acceptable…or at least tolerable, and those things that made us say, “That just ain’t right.” Come on guys, I know you see it too; all those things that make you just want to gag with frustration? Well, if you don’t speak up, it’s just like putting your stamp of approval on them. You don’t have to be rude, but at least shake your head in disapproval, click your tongue, and then mutter those truthful words, “That just ain’t right.” Be a man, stand up, and let’s get that line drawn back in the sand between what’s right, and what ‘just ain’t right’. Hemingway said, “Most of the world’s ills could be corrected with a three day open season on people.” I bet when he came up with those words of wisdom he was sitting at his favorite bar, sipping a tasty beverage, and looking at the knuckle-heads that should have just stayed locked in the house, and said to himself, “That just ain’t right.”
Here are a few things that make my list: Fat People: Calm down. I’m not talking about that one-millionth of one-percent that actually have a valid medical metabolism problem. I’m talking about the lazy lard-asses that blow so far out of physical control that they can’t even fit into an airplane or movie theatre seat without spilling over into half of mine. Those same ones that run over my toes with Rascal scooters in Wal-Mart, while racing to load their basket with Twinkies and Yoo-Hoo and double-stuff cookies. And if you pour yourself into white spandex pants and a hot pink T-shirt that says ‘SEXY’ on the front and waddle into the coffee shop, then you better not look my way or you’ll see me shaking my head and saying, “That just ain’t right.” Gender Confused Men: Any man that claims to be ‘straight’, but does any of the following: Uses the word ‘fabulous’ while waving his hand in the air. Says he ‘accessorized’ any part of what he’s wearing. Talks about the choreography of a Cowboy or Maverick cheerleading routine instead of how hot the girls are or utters the abbreviations “OMG’ or ‘LOL’ in an actual conversation. Guys that do those things should just buy a big pack of pink panties
and join the ‘other team’, because ‘that just ain’t right’. Stores That Won’t Take Cash: I tried to make a purchase with a hundred dollar bill in a major store, and the clerk actually wrinkled up her nose and said, “We don’t take those,” like it was radioactive dog poop. Are you kidding me? It’s CASH! After tactful reasoning with a pimply-faced assistant manager, they finally agreed to accept my legal tender. But really, stores that don’t take cash? Well, ‘that just ain’t right’. Support Reps That Don’t Speak English: I understand trying to save a buck, but I don’t care if a company can hire twelve overseas employees who’ll work twenty hours a day and live on crackers and goat milk, for the same price of one good Englishspeaking tech support worker here. I’d rather wait on hold for an extra thirty minutes and at least be able to understand what the hell they’re saying when they try to help me with my problem. Having to ask, “Is there someone there who can speak English?” and then being told, “I am speaking English,” like I don’t know the difference. Well, that ‘just ain’t right’.
Jesse Whitman “A Woman’s Perspective”
How You Can Save Your Relationship When you start fighting over little things, like dirty socks left on the floor, not washing the dishes, or even the more offensive, leaving skid marks on your tighty whities in the laundry basket for your wife or girlfriend to find, it’s time to take a closer look at these common forms of dysfunction found in relationships. While all of these things are offensive and annoying in their own right, these little nit-picking fights usually aren’t the real source of the problem. Ask any relationship expert and they will tell you that couples rarely fight about what is really upsetting them. So if it’s not the dirty dishes, the farting in bed, or the skid marks, then what is it? Perhaps the problem lies not in the little annoyances, but the fact that you may not be giving your woman enough attention. It is football season after all, and with work all day and then NFL on Monday, Thursday, and Sunday evenings, not to mention a whole day of college football every Saturday, plus the hours of commentary shows, that leaves little time for one on one moments with your lovely ball and chain. When women don’t get the attention they need, that dirty sock might as well be your own turd, and trust me, she will let you know how much it infuriates her. So, how can you keep the peace and save the relationship? Simple. The Gay Best Friend. He can fill in for everything your woman needs while you’re busy attending a kick-off party or a fantasy football meeting. He can provide loyalty, a warm, strong, and manly shoulder to lean on and cuddle with—platonically of course—and supply her with endless girl talk, including heart-to-hearts, fashion advice, gossip (local and celebrity), and endless shopping trips. If your wife or girlfriend had a gay best friend, just think of all the torture you can avoid! You’ll never have to be dragged into the Gap for hours while she tries on twenty pairs of jeans or follow her around as she looks through hundreds of pastel polo knockoffs at H&M. The GBF can even help organize her weekly hen parties and cook dinner on occasion. The GBF usually loves cooking and organizing social events, another possibly torturous chore you can easily get out of. The great thing about the GBF is that they provide the male energy your wife or girlfriend is needing while still giving her all that girly stuff she loves and can’t live without. And best of all, a good GBF can also be great c*ck-block when they are both out and about. Your woman just being with a guy will keep those douchebags from hitting on her, and if they try to, her GBF will most likely intervene...“Oh, no you didn’t. That’s my straight girlfriend you’re talking to and we’re already late for our mani/pedi.” Oh, snap.
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 15 blitzweekly.com
Courtesy: www.gadgetreview.com
Old Keyboard Keys Turned Into A USB Card Reader
Talk about a great idea. Using what looks like “old” keyboard keys fashioned into a USB card reader, this is a totally useful device for those who want to forget their digital camera cord. As long as you don’t lose it that is. Capable of accepting: DHC, SD, micro SDHC, microSD, Sony M2, Memory Stick, and MS duo cards, this tiny reader also supports USB 2.0. With measurements encompassing 75.5mm x 14mm, is also Mac and PC friendly and only costs $12! Available in white or blue you can color me impressed. All the small things right?
Foosball Coffee Table
If you really love foosball but you don’t really have the space for an official sized one, this foosball coffee table fusion could be your best bet. If you want to spend $600 that is. Made from solid poplar wood (snowboards are made from this too) and using tempered glass, this table will surely garner attention from anyone that sees it. The table stands high enough for comfortable playing and hand carved handles ensure a steady grip during the game. I can see the commercial now. A man and a woman in typical office romance fashion push all the magazines and whatever else off the coffee table and to the viewers surprise…they play foosball!
Anti-Snoring Wrist Device
I think it’s safe to say that snoring just plain sucks. It does nothing good for anyone performing or receiving this unattractive trait. If you snore to the point of debilitating frustration this new anti-snoring method may indeed be what you need to try. The wrist monitor seen in the pic is worn in conjunction with included bio-sensor wrist pads. The bio-sensor pads send electronic acupuncture massage pulses to train your to body to relax its snoring muscles and the monitor wrist device then only sends those pulses when you are snoring. The pulses are not supposed to disturb normal sleep and the whole device shuts off after 8 hours. So essentially you could snore yourself awake if you didn’t want to sleep for more than 8 hours. If your snoring is that disruptive and out of hand then perhaps you owe it to yourself or your loved ones to give this device a chance. Note that the wrist monitor does not tell time. Available now for $46.
What’s in a Name? It depends on whether or not you can spell. Rich Hancock Rational Radio AM 1360
I
got an invoice from a client the other day addressed to Rich Handcock, which would be fine if that were how you spell my name. My name is Rich Hancock, and I have complained about this before to friends and colleagues who say “So what!?! Big deal, they spelled your name wrong. It’s not like there isn’t somebody out there who spells Hancock with a ‘D’, is it?” Yes, it is. The Middle English history of my name derives from the personal name “Hann” plus the hypocoristic suffix “cok” or “cocke” often added to personal names. See? No “D”. The Middle Dutch “hanecoc” translates as winkle or periwinkle, a kind of shellfish, which probably indicates the name given for an occupation (“Hanecoc, the shellfish guy.”) But again, no damn “D”. My point is; if you’re spelling Hancock with a “D” in it, you’re spellin’ it wrong! My surname is one as old as America, seen most prominently as the largest signature on the Declaration of Independence. John Hancock was the President of the Continental Congress at the time of the Declaration, which is why he signed first, and largest. If you’re not a history buff, then maybe you know who Herbie Hancock
is. My point is that there is a correct way to spell my name and an incorrect way. In fact, Hancock is a last name, and Handcock represents two separate and distinct body parts. What makes this spelling even more troubling is that my first name is Richard, which presents a variety of less than desirable permutations. My dad was a Dick. That is to say, I am Richard Jr., and my dad went by Dick. Naturally, I considered it less than ideal to be saddled with a nickname like “Little Dick” (you’ve gotta have a whole lot of confidence to wear that one!) My youth hockey coach preferred the unfortunate “Dickie”, because he was a friend of my dad’s. He had a thick Scottish accent and frequently showed up for practice, marginally inebriated, calling out “Ya gaw skayh, Dahkahy!!!” (you’ve gotta skate, Dickie.) Consequently, there are about thirty guys out there who still call me Dickie. But the truly troublesome aspect of this name is the misspelled combo. Handcock is bad enough, but...Dick Handcock? That’s a pornstar name waiting to happen. It also carries with it certain expectations that a relatively short Irish guy isn’t going to live up to in the locker room. Then it becomes a different kind of joke altogether (“Hey girls, don’t let the pornstar name fool ya! We had gym together sophomore year, and all I can say is...”)
I’m certainly not the only one carrying around the porno guy or double-phallus moniker. The world is full of Peter Johnsons, Dick Hertz, not to mention Miles Long, Dick Johnson, and, of course, Oral Roberts. As a radio guy, I’m frequently asked what my real name is--not because mine is so hot, but because so many people in my business change their names for a variety of reasons. I was lucky enough to have been given a name that many radio people have said “Oh that’s a good one! I wish I’d thought of it!” So I was given a name that others in my field would have picked for themselves. It could be worse. I could be Manu Tuiasosopo. I work with a guy named Richard Hunter, who was given a nickname years ago by Mike Ryner at The Ticket, and it stuck. Now that’s a nickname I could run with--”Big Dick Hancock!” If you forget how to spell the last name, look up the Declaration of Independence.
Rich Hancock is Producer/Co-Host of the Rational Radio Report heard weekdays 69am on AM 1360 KMNY
By: Sybil Summers
sybilsummers.com
Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Fair The State Fair of Texas is now is session! Here’s a list to get your ferris wheel spinning. 10. Car Exhibit: From classic to cutting edge, you can see cars of all makes in gasoline alley. The air conditioning is a bonus! 9. Live Music: I realize they don’t usually book A-List bands, but it’s still fun to see a live, outdoor show for free. A couple beers don’t hurt either. 8. Livestock/Petting Zoo: All the sweet, little cows and piggies look so cute. And delicious. 7. Red River Rivalry: Don’t know about you, but the TX/OU game will always be known as the “Shootout” in my heart. 6. Big Tex: How cool would it be if Big Tex dated the Statue of Liberty. They’d have tall kids, right? 5. Corn Dogs: And other fried stuff-like butter and Frito pies. Shoutout to Dan O’Malley who suggested that they sell fried beer. 4. Spokesmodels: Hot chicks passing out free sh*t. How could you go wrong? 3. Wine Garden: Daily wine tastings, imported cheeses and live jazz music. Sounds like some of the Cowboys season ticket holders will be hanging out here! 2. People Watching: Second to Walmart, the Fair offers some of the best people watching. I guarantee you will see at least one chick with a mustache, one barefoot toddler, and three 50+ women with boob tattoos. 1. Rides: My favorites are the Funhouse, Gravitron, and the Zipper. Just remember to ride before the corn dogs.
Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009 17
DOWN 1. Central points 2. False god 3. Small brook 4. Withstand 5. Engine sound 6. Distinctive atmosphere 7. Gait faster than a walk 8. South southeast 9. Undependable 10. Quite a few 11. Arch type 13. A small ax 14. Resembling a blizzard 20. Stiff hair 21. Holds up 25. Chocolate cookie 26. Not liquid 27. Tending to vanish like vapor 28. Construct 29. Serf 30. Drivel 31. A narrow opening 33. Sick 35. Collection 37. Feint 39. Weird 42. South American country 44. Pawn 47. Leases 49. Munition 52. Fizzy drink 53. Wickedness 55. Skinny 56. Suggestion 57. Narrow margin 58. Wait 59. Bottom of the barrel 60. Formerly (archaic) 62. Prefix meaning “New”
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Blitz Weekly Funnies for the Week Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A: “Look! The spelled MACY’S wrong!” Q: What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer? A: The leech stops sucking you dry after you’re dead. Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? A: The taste. Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their a-holes are too small.
This bartender is in a fun bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?” She replies, “I don’t know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal...” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.” She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking “I’m in!!!” She goes, “Can you tell the manager something for me?” The bartender nods...yes. “Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”
Horrorscopes
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Gemini (May 21 - Jan. 21)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are most likely gay. Changes of employment lead to are expected because of your inability to cope.
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you’re inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little leading people to conclude that you are cheap.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Cancer (Jun. 22 – Jul. 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are the perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are socially retarded.
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and class.
You are sympathetic and understanding to others peoples problems. They think you are a sucker. On the other hand, you are always putting things off, and that is why you never get anything done.
Sagittarius(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr 19)
Leo (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22)
You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are substance abusers. People laugh at you a great deal because you’re always getting screwed.
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
You consider yourself a born leader while others think you are pushy. Most Leo’s are bullies by nature. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance causes friction with others.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You don’t do much and are considered lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any real importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for long periods of time as they tend to attract pigeons.
You have a dogged determination and will work like hell. You are stubborn and bullheaded and will not accept advice from others. Most Taurus’ play with themselves a lot.
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent IRS agents.
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ACROSS 1. Flame 5. Rodent 8. Wrestling in Japan 12. Chief Norse god 13. 24 in a day 15. Catch 16. Frigid 17. Moses’ brother 18. Sea eagle 19. A person who draws 22. Center of a hurricane 23. VCR button 24. It comes from sheep 26. Be in an agitated emotional state 29. A composite of mixed origin 31. Governor (abbrev.) 32. Any high altitude habitation 34. N. American retail chain 36. Winged 38. Blabs 40. Double-reed woodwind 41. Photographer’s model 43. Fabric 45. A parcel of land 46. Abandon 48. A small hand tool 50. Arid 51. Expert 52. Dry, as wine 54. Inconceivable 61. Roasting appliance 63. An object 64. Dock 65. Eat 66. Subsequently 67. Lyric poems 68. Countertenor 69. Greatest possible 70. Where a bird lives
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18 Sept. 30 - Oct. 6, 2009
by: Pat Moran
“Man On His Throne”
pmoran@gmail.com
An Open Letter to the Traffic Cops
As you probably already know, I don’t like you. Now before I get started, it isn’t because you are a cop. I respect police officers through and through and unlike other civil servants who risk their neck for the safety of society, you people are not honorable, courageous or even remotely respectable. Honestly, how can you people sleep at night? How do you cope with the massive amount of guilt and grief that you deserve to have? It’s a job that is made up solely to screw over the community and make life difficult for drivers while lining the pockets of government
bureaucrats. I work in a downtown office with a large amount of parking problems. You take what you can get, regardless of how far away from the front door it is. From my office perch above the street, I can see all the little Meter Maids patrolling about in their little clown cars. They wait until you leave, go up and see what time the meter expires and wait, like black eyed vultures, until they can ruin your day. I understand that you people are just doing your job. Hey, people just do their job all the time. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t a jerk though. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have to have some sort of simple compassion. Your profession is completely unnecessary. I understand that parking is something that has to be regulated and governed or else it would all go to sh*t. But the way you people go about it is something else. It’s like little tiny Napoleons in their little tiny cars who are pretending that they aren’t 100 percent morons. I got three tickets in two days, all of which were repealed by a judge because of errors the parking cop made. It was the same guy every time. What an idiot! Wasting my time and trying to break my bank account. So, in closing, I have some advice for you, traffic cops. Repeat the words “I am an F’ing idiot” a thousand times, quit your jobs and a start repaying your debt to society. I hate you. You suck. I hope you fall in a deep hole. Oh, and have a good day. I hope the blood on your hands cleans off someday. Sincerely
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