Blitz Weekly by Blitz Weekly

November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

On Deck a royal affair

November 14 - 27, 2012

By Keysha Hogan - @TheKeysha FREE BUZZTIME TRIVIA & QB1 HAPPY HOUR MON-FRI 4-7PM • SAT-SUN 11-7PM LATE NITE KITCHEN

SPORTS NEWS On Deck 3 Jerry’s World 4 Big 12 Preview 5 SEC Preview 5 SMU Preview 5 UNT Preview 5 Field General 6 Control Issues 6 Hoop Dreams 7 UFC 154 Preview 7 Cover Story Gearshift: Sports Cars 8 Gearshift: Muscle Cars 9 Bite-Sized Power 10 Junk in the Trunk 11 BLITZ Entertainment Tayler Ahern 12 Movember 13 Crave DFW 14 It Girl: Tulisa Contostavlos 15 Skyfall Review 15 Drink It. Wear It. Go There. 16 Respect the Tech 16 Blitz Funnys Jokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17 The CLOSER Pocketful of Peens 18 The Answer Guy 18

Publisher Kelly G. Reed Editor-in-Chief C. Patterson Creative Director Michael H. Lee Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Cover Photography Darryl Briggs Staff Photographers Gregg Case, Steven Hendrix, Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Chuck Majors

Staff Writers Geoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller Contributing Photographers

Steven Doyle, Joseph Dowling, CJ Dub, Jonah Gilmore, Avinash Kunnath, Magnus Manske, Sandy McAnally, Matt Morgan, Rushmoore, Football Schedule, Scienceduck Contributing Writers Brian Beard, Arthur Bellfield, Jay Betsill, Steven Doyle, Stephen Evans, Freddy on Films, Jason Fleck, Jan Hubbard, Posie Pocket

BLITZ Weekly

P.O. Box 295293, Lewisville, TX 75029 • www.blitzweekly.com Copyright 2012 YK Publishing, LLC. No portion of BLITZ Weekly may be reproduced in whole or in part by any means, including electronic retrieval systems, without the express written permission of the Publisher. BLITZ Weekly is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. BLITZ Weekly may be distributed only by BLITZ Weekly’s authorized independent contractors or BLITZ Weekly’s authorized distributors. No person may, without prior written permission of BLITZ Weekly, take more than one copy of each BLITZ Weekly issue. Articles printed in this publication may express opinions or views not necessarily the opinions of BLITZ Weekly. The BLITZ Weekly is not responsible for the content or claims of advertisements or editorial in this publication. Story reprints are available for $1 plus postage; call the office at 214-529-7370 to place an order or check our archives at www. blitzweekly.com.

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You k n Tha ach Co

hen legendary coach Darrell K Royal passed away, media outlets and celebrities took time out to recount his three National Championship wins, his Coach of the Year Awards and the stats that made him a fixture in the college sports world. But, numbers and trophies don’t tell the full story of the man who embraced innovation and revolutionized the way the game is played. To honor Coach Royal, let’s reflect on the colorful words of wisdom he shared with us over the years.

“It’s an in-the-trench battle. It’s meat on meat, flesh on flesh and stink on stink. And that’s the only way you can play it.” Coach Royal understood the depth of football as a gladiator sport. He knew that his opponents prepared just as long and hard, and he respected them on the playing field. There was never the illusion of a politically correct college football league; he believed that victory and redemption would be decided in the harshest of battles.

“Ol’ ugly is better than ol’ nothing.” Coach Royal was conflicted, as most coaches are, when it comes to recruitment. There are talents that can’t be overlooked, but far more that are unrealized potential. Royal understood that acquiring some low ranked players could yield results later on instead of opting for nothing at all.

“If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em” This was a tough one to decipher, but I’m guessing he wanted everyone on his side to be prepared. Even the smallest, bottom-of-thebarrel player was expected to do his homework and be armed to help the team during game time.

“There’s an old saying, ‘You dance with who brung ya.’” In mid-October of 1965, the #1 ranked Longhorns fell to fifth place after losing to the Arizona Razorbacks. After starting the season 4-0, UT ended the season 6-4-0 and was out of the picture. Many were questioning the staying power of the coach and his players. Throughout everything Coach Royal stressed the importance of consistency throughout the season as his secret to success.

“I want to be remembered as a winning coach, but I also want to be remembered as an honest and ethical coach.” Even as a brilliant motivator and strategist, Coach Royal still kept working to correct anything he saw as a deficiency. In the 2002 book, Horns, Hogs and Nixon Coming he spoke about his regrets for not integrating the Longhorns’ program sooner. He pushed forward among opposition in 1969 to admit Julius Whitter into the program and promote him as the first black varsity scholarship player.

“God gives talent, size, speed. But a guy can control how hard he tries.” This attitude is shared by great coaches and athletes around the world. Coach Royal wasn’t just interested in the build of the player; he wanted competitors that put energy and preparation into their performances. The historic results of Royal’s career were achieved by not allowing the status quo.

uncle walter on Cars

Things just haven’t been right since Samuel L. Jackson made me hide in that trunk.

On behalf of the staff of Blitz Weekly, we offer our condolences to the steadfast and faithful UT family.

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November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10 Football Schedule

By Jay Betsill – @thefamousjay

A no longer desperate team focuses on the browns

he Dallas Cowboys improved to 4-5 and kept their season alive with a 38-23 win over the Philadelphia Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field. The Cowboys are now in second place in the NFC East, 1 1/2 games behind the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants, who fell 31-13 to Cincinnati on Sunday. Tony Romo threw two touchdown passes that had the Cowboys even through three quarters. Dwayne Harris had a 78-yard punt return touchdown, and prized free agent cornerback Brandon Carr returned an interception 47 yards for a touchdown to put a cap on the Cowboys victory. “Don’t use words like desperate,” Romo said. “The importance was at its highest level. I don’t know if we are thinking anything more than we need another win.” The Eagles lost starting quarterback Michael Vick to a concussion after a big hit by linebacker Ernie Sims in the second quarter. Vick, however, may have actually been injured on the previous play when he was driven headfirst to the ground by Pro Bowler Jay Ratliff. The Eagles fell to 3-6 and have lost five straight games under coach Andy Reid for the first time in his 14 seasons. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones stopped short of saying that the season was saved. “I don’t want to do that,” Jones said. “You can, but I don’t want to do it. I know how important the game is to us.” Felix Jones led the Cowboys in rushing with 71 yards on 16 carries. Dez Bryant had three catches for 87 yards that included a controversial touchdown reception that appeared to have hit the ground but was upheld upon official review. Tight End Jason Witten added eight catches for 47 yards. In a week that featured rumors about New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton possibly coming to Dallas compounded by former Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson going on the Dan Patrick Show and saying that Dallas

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has a “country club atmosphere,” Jason Garrett appeared relieved after the game. “Critical win for us,” Garrett said. “I thought the effort was there. I thought we were focused the whole game. When you have success, you have to play through it, you have adversity, you have to play through it, and today was a good example of that.” The Cowboys next game is a home contest against the woeful Cleveland Browns (2-7). With 17 rookies on their active roster (including starting quarterback Brandon Weeden and running back Trent Richardson), there were bound to be growing pains for the Browns. “You have to take pride in scoring touchdowns,” Weeden, who has five interceptions and a 63.2 rating in the red zone and fourth quarter, said. “It’s being 100 percent on the things that are routine and that’s where the great quarterbacks become great. That’s what I’m working toward.” The Browns also have a new man at the top as Jimmy Haslem has now owned the team for three games. He purchased the franchise for $1.05 billion and many are expecting secondyear coach Pat Shurmur to be on his way out. Haslem has already replaced team president Mike Holmgren, naming former Eagles President Joe Banner as his CEO to run the day-to-day operations of the team. The Browns are a struggling team that is in a transition period and an example of the Cowboys soft schedule in the second half of the season that has many thinking Dallas will be in the race for the NFC East title. Kenyon Coleman Injured Starting defensive end Kenyon Coleman hurt his triceps in the third quarter of the 3823 victory over the Eagles and didn’t return. Coleman said he will undergo an MRI on Monday. Coleman was injured on LeSean McCoy’s 23-yard run on Philadelphia’s first drive of the second half.

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

November 14 - 27, 2012

BIG 12 GAME of the week SEC GAME of the week By Jason fleck - jason.fleck@mavs.uta.edu

By Stephen evans - comments@blitzweekly.com

Wildcats hold their own destiny

the sec takes a break

ansas State is now only two wins away from playing in their first ever National Championship game. After Alabama was taken down by the Texas A&M Aggies, Kansas State now holds its own destiny. All that stands in their way is the Baylor Bears this weekend and the suddenly hot

Darryl Briggs

Texas Longhorns on December 1st in their final game of the regular season. Kansas State’s road to the BCS title game will begin this weekend at Floyd Casey Stadium in Waco. This weekend’s game against Baylor isn’t expected to be much of a test for Kansas State, with Baylor ranked number 9 in the Big 12 and going only 1-5 after starting the season off 3-0 – their only win coming against the only team worse than the Bears in the Big 12 this year, that Kansas team has yet to win a game in the Big 12 this season. Seeing those numbers one might think that Baylor has just been run over all year long, but that is far from the truth. They battled a No. 9 West Virginia team in a 70-63 shootout, then played strong game against the No. 25 ranked Texas Longhorns in another high scoring affair losing 56-50, and finally they held their own until the third quarter against the No. 12 ranked Sooners this past weekend. The Wildcats have been one team that has handled the success very well this season; their consistent play has yet to waver. With their coach Bill Snyder at the helm, they haven’t been allowed to get away from their tenacity and execution. Snyder has done a good job of protecting his players and keeping them from difficult situations. All the players have had to do is show up and perform on the field. Having a coach that is there for the players has a profound effect on this football team. This Kansas State team has remained under the radar all year long and as the two biggest games of the season remain on their schedule, nothing is bound to change. Although they have now gained the attention of the nation and are expected to win, this team puts little stock into what others expect of them. They follow their own expectations. Game Info: #1 KANSAS STATE vs BAYLOR SAT. NOV. 17 – 7:00PM / ESPN FLOYD CASEY STADIUM

his weekend the SEC sits back and collectively exhales following a wild weekend that shook up more than just the Crimson Tide. With just three intraconference games scheduled to be played, the league will have an opportunity to come to grips with the very likely scenario that it will not have a member team hoisting the crystal ball in January. The Aggies’ upset of Alabama sent shockwaves throughout college football for sure. But that wasn’t the only game whose outcome is expected to have major ramifications on the conference. Georgia’s 38-0 drubbing of hapless Auburn was likely the last straw for embattled Auburn head coach Gene Chizik, whose Tigers remain winless in the SEC with just their rivalry game against Alabama standing between them and an 0-fer in the league standings. And Tennessee’s four-overtime loss in Knoxville against Missouri appears to have been the final nail in the coffin for Derek Dooley. Like Auburn, Tennessee also remains winless in conference play midway through November. So with those storylines and more, the conference rests this week (for the most

SMU Mustangs

North texas mean green

By frank lacosta - flacosta@blitzweekly.com

team must stay focused taking one game at a time

he Mustangs moved a bit closer to fulfilling their goal of going to another bowl with their solid win over Southern Miss this past Saturday. It was another dominating performance by the team in all three phases. On defense they only allowed one touchdown, on offense there weren’t any turnovers and on special teams they blocked a PAT attempt. If the Mustangs can walk away with a victory this Saturday they will be bowl bound for their fourth consecutive season and will make Head Coach June Jones a very happy man. QB Garrett Gilbert had a breakout performance in the win against the Golden Eagles by playing error free ball, passing for 249 yards with a TD and rushing for 94 yards on five carries and two touchdowns. Is it safe to say that Gilbert has mastered the offensive

orth Texas completed step one of a three part process by defeating South Alabama last Saturday. Entering the game with a 3-6 overall record and their back against the wall, the Mean Green have kept their bowl bid dream

Sandy McAnally

Joseph Dowling

part), leaving us with marquee matchups that include LSU vs. Ole Miss, Tennessee vs. Vanderbilt, and Arkansas vs. Mississippi State. By default we will focus on the LSUOle Miss contest, simply because it is the only one of the three games that does not feature a coach who will be fired at the end of the season. Here’s the short and sweet synopsis: Ole Miss stands at 5-5, a vast improvement over its recent campaigns under Houston Nutt, but still a win away from being bowl eligible with two games left to play. LSU needs wins in its last two games against Ole Miss and Arkansas, along with a Florida loss to Florida State and a Georgia loss in the SEC Championship Game in order to be in the mix for a BCS bowl. Other than that, it’s highly likely this contest will not live up to the previous two Saturdays’ CBS broadcasts (Alabama-LSU and Texas A&M-Alabama). Even the SEC needs a break every once in a while.

playbook? Not quite, but he is gaining the confidence of Coach Jones. RB Zach Line also performed well with his 92 rushing yards and also found the end zone once. Line now has 41 total touchdowns and trails Eric Dickerson (48) for the all-time record at SMU. WR Jeremy Johnson stepped up in this one with eight catches for 97 yards. The defense had two interceptions and protected the SMU lead all afternoon. The Golden Eagles only managed 178 total yards of offense for the day. The aforementioned blocked PAT gives SMU a total of five for the season. Next up is a road game against the Rice Owls. The Owls have a 4-6 overall record and as their record indicates they aren’t a very good team. They are playing a “must win” game as well. The defense gives up a lot of points and that should bode well for SMU. The helmsman under center is QB Taylor McHargue who is a bit of a dual threat quarterback. If receivers aren’t open he’ll definitely use his legs to generate some offense. The Owls do have a potent rushing attack. Part of this is due to McHargue but also because of their running back Charles Ross. He’s a good sized back with some speed. Keep an eye out for RB Sam McGuffie who is the recipient of many outlet passes.

Game Info: OLE MISS vs #8 LSU SAT. NOV. 17 – 2:30PM / CBS TIGER STADIUM

Game Info: SMU vs RICE SAT. NOV. 17 – 2:30PM / CSS RICE STADIUM

Avinash Kunnath

alive. After falling behind 7-0 in the first quarter, the Mean Green scored on a 51-yard rushing touchdown from Jeremy Brown. The Jaguars answered with another score to take the lead before UNT tied it up 14 all at halftime. In the third quarter UNT scored on an 85-yard run from Brandin Byrd followed by a field goal from Zach Olen to give the Mean Green a 24-14 lead. This would be the score at the end of the game as the defense pitched a shutout in the second half. Head Coach Dan McCarney said after the game, “This is a big step. We opened Apogee a year ago and we’re 7-4 at home. If you’re going to turn a program around - which we are - it starts at home.” QB Derek Thompson went 12 of 28 for 106 yards and a TD while being intercepted once. His streak of seven consecutive games with over 200 yards passing came to an end, however he now ranks sixth all-time on the Mean Green career passing-yard list. Thompson spread the wealth though by hitting seven different receivers for the day. Byrd’s 85-yard run was his longest of the season and ended the game with 109 yards rushing. Next up is a road trip to take on the Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks. They’re bowl bound with a 6-4 record and are still in the mix for the conference title. They are coming off of consecutive losses and looking to right the ship. They are led by a strong passing attack, but QB Kolton Browning might miss the rest of the season with a foot injury. If that’s the case then Senior QB Cody Wells will step in. With the offense putting up lots of points, the defense has been able to keep their opponents one dimensional. That might not be the case this Saturday and UNT will have to take advantage of this opportunity. Game Info: UNT vs LA-MONROE SAT. NOV. 17 – 3PM MALONE STADIUM

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November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

Field general

control issues

By c. patterson - cpatterson@blitzweekly.com

By jan hubbard - comments@blitzweekly.com

Bil watson is leading the charge for dallas’ polo Resurgence

imagine that when General Patton spoke that his voice sounded a lot like Dallas Polo Club’s Bil Walton. Same authority, same conviction. There are those of you who will shake your heads, but I assure you Mr. Walton is worthy of the comparison. If you have heard the phrase cut from a different cloth, then Bil Walton is cut from leather. A competitor to his core, the field general has battled and achieved success in a sport where high-impact plastic balls are launched in your direction from wooden mallets and you have to negotiate your position and maintain balance while on horseback. And after seeing my first match I quickly discovered that polo is tougher than a bare-knuckle back alley brawl between Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris. For what it’s worth I think Bil Walton could wipe the floor with both of ‘em. What is it about polo that you love the most? Bil Walton: I think it’s an exciting, fierce, competitive sport and I think that anytime that someone gets proficient at something, they like it. I guess maybe the combination between the horse and rider and the speed. I was speaking to a friend of yours at one of your matches and he told me that he credits you with introducing him to the sport more than 25 years ago. What do you do to maintain your passion and intensity for the sport for the better part of three decades? BW: Well, the most important thing is that I have evolved in viewing it in different ways. When I first started competing, back in high school, it was shear competition. Then the competition in college polo at UC Davis and we won a couple of National Titles. And then I became a professional and was able to travel around the country and around the world to play. Probably 15 years ago I stopped chasing it around the world to just play at the Dallas Polo Club and we still play competitively, but there are other things involved like training the horses and I have a son that’s 11 years old and new people that have taken interest in polo, so I enjoy that instead of just chasing it competitively. I have been able to evolve over the years and look at the best aspects of the game. Who are some of the players that have influenced your career? BW: Probably the biggest influence was my

father, he got me started. Although he did not play polo as a kid, he got myself and my brother started. I also had a good influence from my older brother Rob, who moved a little bit quicker and faster to the sport. And being out there playing against some great players like Tommy Wayman and Charles Smith had an influence on my career. Best advice that you were ever given BW: In regard to horses, Tommy Wayman gave me some very good advice. He said, “Don’t just buy a horse to be buying a horse, buy a horse that you think will be the absolute best and if it doesn’t make the best then you can play it at a lower level and sell it for a fair price.” Greatest experience while on horseback BW: One of my greatest experiences besides winning a couple of National Titles at UC Davis was in the following year. I wasn’t competing, but I took the UC Davis team back to the nationals and the team won. To me that was extremely exciting because we had an underdog team and played against a higher rated team and we beat them. That I felt was a great achievement. Is there any part of the game that scares you? BW: Oh, I think not really. But as you get older you do become more cautious. You don’t take as many chances. I don’t reach as far for the ball or come into a play as hard as I used to, but when I was playing at an extremely competitive level there was no fear. You cannot have fear in any sport if you want to play at your top level. Pre-game rituals BW: What I do is this, I think an athlete will tend to concern themselves about the up and coming competition so I very clearly go through my game plan of what I am going to do from the very beginning lineup and go over it mentally. It keeps my strategy on path and so it keeps wasted energy away. My energy is solely on what is the task at hand and I go forward. From there the chips fall where they fall. How can someone become involved in Dallas Polo Club? BW: It’s real simple. All they have to do is call up for their first lesson and get started. We have the horses; we have the equipment, the instruction, and the field. They just need to show up with jeans and boots. If they don’t have the boots, tennis shoes will work for the first time.

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Addressing the Jerry Jones Factor

ast week was a good one for Jerry Jones and the Cowboys, which may sound odd since the week followed another game where the Cowboys demonstrated the killer instinct of the Three Stooges. That loss, which dropped the Cowboys to 3-5 before beating Philadelphia led to another emotional round of calls for Jerry Jones to fire himself as general manager. (If you look at that last sentence and think about it, there’s about as much chance of Jerry – or any other rich man in the world – firing himself as there is for someone to remark what a poised and well-coached team the Cowboys are.) The last few years, I have found part of the criticism of Jerry misdirected. The Cowboys have not had great drafts, but I don’t think that’s because Jerry is making bad picks – although at one time he did (Quincy Carter). Jerry has an entire staff that evaluates college players

in college at Arkansas. Yes, there have been a number of drafts (2009, of course) that have been bad. But with Jerry as the GM, the Cowboys drafted Sean Lee in the second round in 2010, got Tyron Smith and DeMarco Murray in the 2011 draft and made a great move to get Morris Claiborne in the last draft. Jerry also is not reluctant to spend money as the $50 million he agreed to give Brandon Carr proves. I also think that Jerry and his staff did what they could in addressing the offensive line, which has five different starters than it had in 2009. They did not sign premium free agents, but part of the reason for that is the salary cap. To me, the biggest failing Jerry has had in recent years – OK, besides that 2009 draft – was in the other executive decisions he’s made. And perhaps that explains some of the bad drafts. Maybe Jerry is hiring the wrong people. But there’ve been bigger missteps. When Parcells left, Phillips was not a good hire. The man is an excellent defensive coordinator, but he’s neither the leader nor the organizer that you need as a head coach. When the Cowboys started 1-7 with Phillips, Jerry made it bad to worse by hiring Garrett, who had zero head coaching experience and had done very little to demonstrate that he was going to be a good head coach. Jerry has been mesmerized by Garrett’s Ivy League education at Princeton, but school smart does not make you immune to being football dumb. And Garrett has shown – last year against Arizona when he froze his owner kicker and this year against Baltimore when his hurry-up offense was about as fast as rush hour traffic on LBJ – that he is not gifted at thinking on his feet. At least on a football sideline. So last week seemed to be a ridiculous one with Jerry responding to calls for him to say to the mirror: “You’re fired!” by noting that the Cowboys won three Super Bowls with him as general manager. That ignited reaction that dominated talk radio and Jimmy Johnson even chipped in with a few shots. But it was a good week for Jerry because it diverted attention from his Darryl Briggs 3-5 Cowboys and Garrett. Jerry was What the hell’s so funny? like a basketball coach getting two technical fouls and getting kicked and the head coaches have always had input, out of the game. Whatever press was negative although Bill Parcells obviously had more than towards Jones was better than discussion of the Wade Phillips or Jason Garrett. failings of his head coach and team. Sad that The common exhortation for Jerry is – “Hire a with the current Cowboys, that amounts to a football guy!” good week. But here’s the problem with that. I don’t think that personnel decisions are the biggest problem that Jerry has and, in fact, Jerry does have a football background – playing

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

November 14 - 27, 2012

By Geoff Case - gcase@blitzweekly.com

injuries finally catch up with mavs

he Mavericks were dealt a huge blow when they lost Dirk Nowitzki for the first segment of the season, but the new look roster was able to keep the ship afloat starting the season off with a 4-1 start. However, when Shawn Marion went down with a strained quad the Mavericks weren’t able to cover the difference against the Knicks and Bobcats on this latest road trip. Though they played well without their superstar, this is a team that needs Dirk and Marion to be what they hope to be and to play at the level they hope to reach. The other NBA teams are finally figuring out how to stop the Dirk-less Mavs with interior defense designed to keep the dribble penetration of Collison out of the paint. Turnovers have also been a factor. Dallas coach Rick Carlisle stressed ball security coming in after the Mavericks turned it over 20 times in last Friday night’s 104-94 loss to the New York Knicks. But the Mavs looked shaky early on, committing five turnovers in the first seven minutes to fall behind 22-9. They finished with 19 turnovers. While the turnovers are alarming, they Just trying to get by are likely the result of the fatigue of playing a back-to-back especially after an emotional loss in New York. The real issue that stands out about these new look Mavs is the lack of rebounding. The Bobcats outrebounded the Mavs 36-20 in the second half and overtime. The Mavs have had trouble getting boards before Shawn Marion (team leader in rebounds last year) went down and when he’s gone it’s even more prevalent. Another trend that has been on our radar is the Mavs tendency to get out to hot starts and slowly take their foot off the gas. Against the Knicks, on November 9, the Mavs offense scored 57 in the first half, 37 in the second. Against the Bobcats, it was 55 in the first, 36 in the second. Even against the Raptors, a game

the Mavericks won, but which almost slipped away, they scored 61 in the first half and 48 in the second. That urgency that everyone starts the game with needs to be maintained for all four quarters, especially when the big German isn’t there to close games out. 11/16 - @ Indiana Pacers With the recent injury to Danny Granger this suddenly becomes a winnable game for the Mavs. They will need to put in the extra effort on the glass to neutralize the easy put backs for Roy Hibbert. Marion playing in this game would be huge to keep a lid on Paul George.

ufc 154 preview

st-pierre vs condit

By brian beard – comments@blitzweekly.com Georges “Rush” St-Pierre (22-2-0) vs. Carlos “Natural Born Killer” Condit (28-5-0)

ast year this fight would be a no-brainer. GSP was at the top of his game and appeared to be unbeatable. Much like Anderson Silva is now. Unfortunately, he sustained a bad knee injury and has been out of the cage for a year and a half. I believe that ring rust will undoubtedly be a factor here. Both of these guys are very well rounded with GSP holding a big edge in the wrestling and ground control. I believe Condit is the better striker. Condit will stand in and bang with GSP but I look for GSP to have enough of that early and to look for the takedown. It is all going to depend on GSP’s conditioning and his ring rust. I wish he would have gotten a warm up fight before this one as this is no easy fight for anyone! I have a feeling that we will see GSP a step slow and that he will tire early. I pick Condit by TKO late in the third. This could be the beginning of the end of GSP.

11/17 - @ Cleveland Cavaliers We’ll get to see how good Darren Collison’s defense really is with this tasty match-up against Kyrie Irving. The Cavs are a better team this year but even without Dirk the Mavs will need to steal this road win. 11/19 – Golden State Warriors The new look Warriors moved Monta Ellis last offseason and acquired Andrew Bogut from the Milwaukee Bucks. Darryl Briggs This move marks a change in philosophy for the entire franchise. Long gone are the days of offensive showcases with little defense. Klay Thompson is a player to watch this season. 11/21 – New York Knicks The Mavs loss to the Knicks last week remains fresh and while they fought hard there is too much talent on the Knicks to expect Dallas to win this one without Nowitzki. Hopefully they can catch the Knicks napping. Injury report: Carlisle offered no update on when Dirk Nowitzki (knee) or Shawn Marion (knee) will return from their injuries. ...

is very deceptive and packs a ton of power. Kampmann is as tough as they come. I look for this to be fight of the night with Hendricks winning a decision by controlling the wrestling and landing at least one knockdown punch.

Scienceduck

The beginning of the end for GSP? Martin “The Hitman” Kampmann (205-0) vs. Johny “Bigg Rigg” Hendricks (13-1-0) I think this fight is total bullshit. Hendricks should be in the title fight, period. This guy has stepped up and fought many great opponents and has looked phenomenal in his UFC career. Don’t get me wrong, Kampmann is a beast and one of my favorite fighters, but he should not get this fight until Hendricks has a title shot. That said Kampmann has a great shot at winning this. He has the edge in the standup game where Hendricks has a clear advantage in the wrestling. On the ground it should be fairly even. If you have never seen Hendricks fight, he has very mediocre looking stand up but

PRESENTED by

Francis “Limitless” Carmont (19-7-0) vs. Tom “Filthy” Lawlor (8-4-0) These two guys are very well rounded and solid fighters. Carmont is undefeated in the UFC and has been on quite a tear. Lawlor has had some very exciting fights and has won submission of the night and fight of the night in the UFC. Being that they can both handle themselves on their feet and on the ground this should be a good one. I give the edge to Carmont in the stand up game and Lawlor in the wrestling and ground game. Carmont is one hell of an athlete and is extremely explosive and I look for him to come out with a very fast pace, looking to overpower Lawlor and end the fight early. Lawlor just happens to be a tough sumbitch and I think he will stop Carmont. My head tells me that Carmont will win, but he is from France, and my heart simply will not let me pick him. Lawlor via decision in a great fight. America!

Rushmoore

The Gym 921 West Mayfield Road Arlington, TX 76015 (817) 652-1555 Follow blitz weekly on twitter and facebook

November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

Gearshift Issue

Every now and then it’s important for us to steer you in the right direction. This time we are heading for the highways and bringing you cars that are fast, cars that are smart, and cars that are down right badass. You know the ones that we’re talking about, the ones that you have to wear a vintage leather jacket for the engine to even respect you enough to turn over. And we were in so deep for this issue that the office smells like smoked tires, hot blondes named Candy, and 91 octane - hell we even hung some fuzzy dice on our computer monitor.

Sports cars

Hamann memoR McLaren MP4 Why: As if the McLaren needed an upgrade, the MP4-12C memoR has turned a beautiful supercar into a sexy work of art. Hamann Motorsports changed every piece of his car to carbon fiber that they possibly could: front hood, bumpers, fenders, vents, side mirrors, roof spoiler, and side sills all to improve down force, cooling, and bulk. It also has upgraded Unique Forged II Anodized wheels that move the mid-mounted 3.8-litre V8, twin-turbo engine to a top speed of 205 mph quite nicely.

Faster Than: 12 cheetahs that did cocaine and Red Bull all night.

Cost Equivalent: $231,400 or 532 floor ticket seats to see the Mavs play.

2013 MB SLS AMG GT Why: The Mercedes-Benz with a top speed of 199 mph has a pedigree as pure as a Westminster Best in Show winner. The seven-speed automatic transmission and 6.2- litre, 591 hp engine propel the GT to a 0 - 62 mph just south of 3.7 seconds, which is something to tell Julia Roberts as she’s walking down Rodeo Dr. in thigh-high boots.

Faster Than:

Bugatti Veyron Vitesse

2013 Shelby GT500

Why: Well let’s just start at the 1200-horsepower V16 engine this chariot of the gods has and we aren’t talking about regular horses here – we’re talking the types of horses you see in the war movies with Ben Hur riding on top of them. Yep, that’s right there are 1200 miniature Charlton Hestons atop of all those horses that gallop this war machine to a 0-62 mph time of 2.6 seconds. What’s the top speed you ask? 255 mph. Boom, just blew your mind. They’ll have to take the keys from our cold dead hands.

Why: The American icon has a 5.8-litre V8 that belts out 662 hp, making it the most powerful Mustang to come right off of the assembly line. It also clocks in in a naught-to-60 time of 4.1 seconds while still in first gear – not too shabby for a car that is $2.1 million bucks cheaper than the Veyron Vitesse. And for you true Americans that measure speed by the quarter mile, the sire of Carroll Shelby gets the checkered flag in about 12.2 seconds at about 121 mph.

Faster Than:

A Charlie Sheen hooker calls the cops.

A pregnant pole vaulter hits the ground.

Cost Equivalent:

$2.15 million or 119,444 years of D Magazine subscriptions.

$54,995 or 7,333 draft beers from Cowboys Stadium (assuming you don’t leave a tip).

A fat kid chasing an ice cream truck downhill.

Cost Equivalent: $220,000 or two games pay if your name was Tony Romo.

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

Gearshift Issue

classic muscle cars

November 14 - 27, 2012

1970 Plymouth Superbird

Why: This muscle car was a highly modified version of the Plymouth Road Runner. It’s rumored that Mopar came up with the vehicle to lure Richard Petty back to Plymouth. Only 1,935 of these bad birds were made for its one year of production. Innovative at the time this car sported a nosecone and massive rear wing with a horn that mimicked the Road Runner cartoon character. Superbirds had three engine options: 426 Hemi V8, 440 Super Commando with a single 4-barrel carburetor and the 440 Super Commando Six Barrel (three 2-barrel carburetors).

Faster Than: Green grass through a goose!

Cost Equivalent: $1,200,000 or 392,157 gallons of unleaded gas

Magnus Manske

CJ Dub

1970 Boss 429 Mustang Matt Morgan

1969 Yenko Super Camaro Why: Under the command of Don Yenko, this first generation monster was built to do battle with the Ford and Plymouth. A total of 201 were built – 171 with four speed transmissions and 30 that were automatics. They had 427 V8 engines, power disc brakes, a stronger front stabilizer and a heavy-duty 4-core aluminum radiator. As for the looks, Yenko Camaros came with front and rear spoilers, a cowl induction hood, “Yenko 427” badges and twin racing stripes down the flanks and hood with black interiors.

1971 455 Trans Am Why: This car marks the end of an era with pollution controls put in place and big block engines seeing the last of their days. This beast was meant to one up the folks at Chevrolet. Only a few thousand of these rides were actually made. The front and rear spoilers did an excellent job and all of the classic elements were included – the Firebird decal on the hood and a functioning “Shaker hood scoop”. This 455 cubic inch monster should never be confused with the tamer version from Smokey and the Bandit.

Faster Than:

A cat can lick its ass

A bag of Cheetos in a weight-watchers convention

Cost Equivalent:

$2,200,000 or 244,444 adult tickets to see the next Fast and the Furious flick

$100,000 or iPad Minis for 250 of your closest friends and family

Why: This rare car was built to do battle with Mopar on the NASCAR circuit and as a result Ford had to sell at least 500 of them. Truth is only 499 were actually made. Offered in five different colors, the interiors were either black or white and black. Standard transmission was the only option and air conditioning wasn’t an option. They were given special NASCAR identification that was placed on the driver’s side door with a “KK” and its production number. The 429 cubic inch V8 was something special.

Faster Than: A dog can raise his hind leg

Cost Equivalent: $375,000 or 18,750 lap dances at The Lodge

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November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

Bite-Sized

Power

Fiat 500 Abarth

By david goodspeed - dgoodspeed@blitzweekly.com

hen I first reviewed the Fiat 500 last year I found the new little import to be fun and quirky but it lacked one important aspect – performance. Ladies and gentlemen, I now give you the Fiat 500 Abarth. Embodying the “small but wicked” spirit of namesake Karl Abarth’s hot little Fiats in the 1960s (something akin to John Cooper’s hotrodded Minis back in the day) the modern Abarth brings to the model line everything the base model is lacking for driving enthusiasts. Right off one sees the styling upgrades along with unique paint and logo applications that adorn not only the exterior but bring a decidedly Italian flair to the interior as well. Fiat boasts the new Abarth edition is for track-day enthusiasts and driving purists looking for high performance in a small car package that arrives with the pedigree of an exclusive Italian exotic. That’s market-speak for “this car is a hot little number and is a blast to drive.” From the moment you fire up the engine you realize this is no ordinary 500. The exhaust blares triumphantly from twin pipes out the back that will surely bring the ire of neighbors in the wee hours of the day. The Fiat 500 Abarth is treated to powertrain upgrades featuring a feisty turbocharged 1.4-liter engine generating 160 horsepower and backed by a track-proven C510 five-speed manual gearbox. The added power is sent to larger half-shafts and CV joints capable of dealing the added power. The Abarth sees upgrades to suspension components as well while sporting unique running gear at each corner inside the flared wheel arches that aide ventilation to the performance brake components. Front and rear fascias are modified for additional performanceenhancing features like front air inlets and rear spoiler plus side skirts mated to a lowered ride height for better handling and improved “aero.” In the cockpit drivers get a sport steering wheel and an added turbo boost gauge to keep an eye on the spinup of engine power. Front and center is a sporty shifter knob whose placement seems odd at first but a blessing when ripping through the gears. Oddly I really enjoy the higher-mounted shift linkage. I found myself in traffic a few times during my Abarth experience and the clutch was very manageable. Most of the time however I utilized the little Fiat for what it was and treated the sluggish sleds on the road as slalom course markers. I really enjoyed the new Abarth, although my head did hit the headliner a few times at the edge of the sunroof opening even with the seat in its lowest position. I commonly referred to the car as the “Trixie racer” as it seemed

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The Drive Diet Smart Passion Cabriolet “The Mobile Eunuch” Pony Power: 70 HP MPG City: 36 MPG Highway: 38 Calories: 1,852 LBS Price Tag: $17,890+

When Jimmy John’s says fast, they mean fast more appropriate for the female driving enthusiast both in design and packaging than for the 90th percentile male. Pricing on the Fiat 500 Abarth begins at just 22 grand with our tester arriving with a few extra goodies to the tune of just a tick over $27k. Fuel economy remains reasonable at 28 mpg city and 34 mpg highway considering the performance mods.

Mini John Cooper Works Roadster

Scion iQ

“Hell on Little Wheels” Pony Power: 208 MPG City: 25 MPG Highway: 33 Calories: 2,767 LBS Price Tag: $36,000+

“The Cheap Bastard” Pony Power: 94 HP MPG City: 36 MPG Highway: 37 Calories: 2,127 LBS Price Tag: $16,020+

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

November 14 - 27, 2012

Junk in the Trunk Be the metropolitan Bear Grylls and make sure you are prepared for anything the urban jungle can throw at you.

Coleman HeavyDuty 6-Guage Booster Cables $39.79

LifeHammer Emergency Hammer $14.95

Slime 70005 Safety Spair 7-Minute Tire Repair $74.99

Craftsman 2-ton Hydraulic Jack $14.99 Maglite Pro 2-D Cell LED Flashlight $39.95 Fiskars Unbreakable Hatchet $22

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November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

WE ‘VE GOT

BEST

HAMBURGER! — READER’S CHOICE POLL DMN

WEEKENDS ARE FOR NURSING HANGOVERS

STOP BY FOR $3.50 MIMOSAS, BLOODY MARYS AND BUD SELECT DRAFTS

$3.50 MIMOSAS, BLOODY MARYS AND BUD SELECT DRAFTS

QUICKLY BECOMING FAMOUS LATE NITE MENU ON THUR - FRI - SAT AFTER 10PM See more of Tayler Ahern and others at Blitzweekly.com Model: Tayler Ahern Jonah Gilmore / www.studioROCKETSCIENCE.com Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

Tayler

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

November 14 - 27, 2012

the best ‘Staches

movember 10. The Master Splinter – A staple for anyone who wishes to dish out a helping of ass-kicking, or at least look like they know martial arts. The Master Splinter is simple, yet it gets the point across. This ‘stache style is as important as the style of kung-fu that is about to be served to the nearest unlucky troublemaker. 9. The Albert Einstein – Bushy, witty, and hard to miss, the Albert Einstein shows that you not only look good, but you have the intellectual capacity to solve advanced quantum physics. Throw on a lab coat and lecture some feebleminded goons about the wonders of the universe.

8. The Burt Reynolds – This style is just plain sexy. Whether you are running around the country in a Firebird or playing a game of football against the evil opponent, this ‘stache says “Hey, I’m a man, and I’m damn sexy.” Guaranteed to get the ladies’ attention.

on earth

By ethan harmon - eharmon@blitzweekly.com

5. The Teddy Roosevelt – Do you want to ride horses through the White House? Of course you do! Who is going to stop you? No one, if you sport this mustache. In fact, you can carry a big stick and do whatever the hell you want if you have this.

2. The Super Mario – Saving princesses, bashing turtles, and collecting coins would be a thing of the past if it were not for this wavy work of art. Growing this mighty mustache will allow you to not only find power-ups; it will also give you an edge when hitting on the princesses at your local bar.

7. The Jamie Hyneman – Ready to bust some myths? Grow out this bristly wonder and solve the mysteries of science and myth in style. Nothing says “I’m smart, constructive, and witty” like this facial lip-warmer. Berets are not included with the ‘stache.

6. The Salvador Dali – Only for the surrealists in the world. This abstract work of hair is meant to impress and mystify. The mustache in itself is a work of art, so it will appease art lovers immediately.

4. The Eddie Murphy – Do you think yourself a comedian? Then this is the facial hair for you. Tested through movies, stand-up, and television, this ‘stache has held its own and is guaranteed to bring in the laughs. 3. The Hulk Hogan – Bringing the pain has never looked so intimidating and fashionable. So here’s the thing, brother. Grow this mustache, dude. Then bring Hulkamania wherever you go.

1. The Goatee (The Ladykillers) – Sure, this is a mustache that has a little extra “umph” to it, but it is a tired and true testament to the wonders of facial hair. The goatee – the original ladykiller – if executed properly, will attract everyone within a one-hundred yard radius. It never fails. Never!

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November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

CRAVE dfw This weekend Deep Ellum Brewing Company celebrates their first year on the job, and they will have a tremendous splash. To celebrate DEBC is throwing a party replete with all the brews they produced from the past year and you will have an opportunity to taste them all Saturday November 17, 2012. The party includes all the past favorites plus a special beer they brewed for the one year anniversary called the Pollenator.

By Steven Doyle - www.cravedfw.com

Recently Peticolas took first place honors at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver, Colorado. The Dallas brew house took the gold medal for its classic English Pale Ale, Royal Scandal. This is a great honor considering there were 4,338 beers entered from 666 breweries for the largest beer competition in history. Another good 2012 start-up is FireWheel Brewing Company. FireWheel has a good selection of beer to distinguish itself including

Lakewood Brewing Company is making some proper beers at their location off Garland Road. We sampled the latest offering, The Hop Trapp recently and it was a smooth ride to the bottom of the pint glass. Lakewood offers tours like all the breweries. The cost is $10 and for that you will taste four beers fresh from the barrels, and enjoy a cool band. A food truck is always on hand for noshing. The beer scene in Dallas will continue to grow in 2013 with many more breweries slated to go online such as Four Corners located just across the Santiago Calatrava’s Margaret Hunt Hill Bridge in Trinity Grove. Brew pubs also saw a growth in the DFW area adding force to a few favorites such as The Common Table in Uptown Dallas, and the Holy Grail in Plano. The latest to join ranks with 50 taps is the recently opened British Beverage Company (BBC). BBC offers plenty of the local stuff along with some smart selections of Texas beers and favorites from around the world, playing into the whole British thing. The food is pretty damned good as well, making this a new hot spot for the micro-brew enthusiast.

Firewheel

2012 brought plenty of local beer to your favorite taps and brew houses in Dallas as the city showed signs of growing into the ranks of great beer cities such as Austin. We saw the birth of award winning Peticolas Brewing Company, which is a one-man show based in the Dallas Design District.

their Texas Pale Ale which has a slightly elevated gravity and a clean, lively bitterness that some may associate with that of a mild IPA. Being unfiltered, it will pour slightly hazy, rich amber in color, and should be accompanied with a well lacing head. Look for the new Midnight Ninja - Black Ale very soon. This ale will be a heady 6.5% ABV brew with great promise.

If you haven’t made it by Union Bear in the West Village, also in Uptown, you are doing yourself a disservice. Here you can try many fantastic beers, plus a few “macro beers’ made in house by real beer nerds for only five bucks a pint. Five bucks for what might otherwise cost up to twelve dollars elsewhere. This is a good place to graze through pints at a bargain. Also celebrating their one-year anniversary is Good Friend located in East Dallas on Peavy Road. Good luck finding a parking spot at this amazing brew hall that also serves amazing burgers prepared by the ladies next door at Good 2 Go Taco. Go out and enjoy a local cold beer this weekend.

Deep Ellum

CRAVEdfw Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

November 14 - 27, 2012

Dear tulisa,

tulisa contostavlos

What a great year this has been for you! There was your X Factor job, your number 1 single in the UK, FHM voting you the Sexiest Woman in the World, and now after all these years you are finally a Blitz Weekly It Girl. You must be so proud right now. We would have written you a letter sooner, but no one in the office could spell your name…go figure. Anyway, we were wondering that if you had a little free time in your schedule if you could come over to the States and spend Thanksgiving with us? We promise no funny business. Nothing would make us happier than to have turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, and your Bristol Cities at the table (not necessarily in that order). And could you bring us an autograph from the Queen? Sending our love all the way to London,

Forget that the dismal misstep of Quantum of Solace ever occurred. Totally wipe it from history. The old 007 is back in Skyfall. First time Bond director Sam Mendes takes you on a non-stop rollercoaster throughout the film that bobs and weaves through suspense and all out fear. Daniel Craig’s rugged Bond is a bit older now, perhaps a bit slower and is placed in a position in which no one has ever seen him; rusty, out witted, and basically out matched. Dare I say it is JB who finds himself, shaken but not necessarily stirred. Javier Bardem’s diabolically rogue character Raoul Silva steps into a villainous realm whose only previous resident was Heath Ledger’s Joker. It was unequivocal brilliance. He made Bond appear human, perhaps even fallible. Mendes described Bardem’s performance as

MovieReview of skyfall

By Freddy on Films - @BlitzWeekly

“canny and witty and flirtatious in a disturbing way that even I didn’t expect.” Bardem is getting some serious Oscar buzz for it. Can you believe it? A Bond movie with an Oscar that isn’t for visual effects or the soundtrack. Of course, Bond is Bond. Two of the most gorgeous women on the planet find themselves in service to the country. There are also new characters: Ralph Fiennes, who plays Gareth Mallory. Mallory is a government cog seesawing as a frienemy cloaked in villainy throughout the picture and just a generally unlikable dude. Ben Whishaw steps in as Q, less grandpa-like and more resembling the nerd who you cheated off of in math class. Both did excellent jobs helping to build 007’s new world. Sure there were the typical Bond clichés, they were just conveyed in new ways. The exotic

Her Majesty gives two thumbs up

locales, the car chases, the tux, the stylish but still kind of sad bouts with alcoholism and lest we forget the guns…oh the guns, the wonderful, wonderful guns. Oh yeah, and some singer named Adele is singing something in the background too.

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November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

drink It

Celebrate the Rolling Stones 50th Anniversary the same way that they would – by showing your liver who’s boss! Grab one of only 150 limited edition bottles of Japanese whiskey specially crafted by Suntory to commemorate the greatest rock band in the history of the universe. Remember, Keith Richards was a drunk and look at how awesome his life turned out.

WEAR It

What’s cooler than a lion? A lion with a sense of style! Check out the awesome James tee by snow, surf, and skate gear brand Neff because any t-shirt with a lion on it wearing a backwards baseball cap is a t-shirt worth owning. That Simba turned out to be one stylish mofo. www.eternamlsnow.com

GO THERE

The ale of Ellum is turning one year old. My how time flies, we remember when Deep Ellum Brewing Company was just a dream in the glazed over eyes of the city’s most creative miscreants. Come out and celebrate with the guys on November 17 from noon to 3pm at 2821 St. Louis St and sample their newest brew. www.deepellumbrewing.com

www.suntory.com/whisky

BEATS PILL Dr. Dre and his uber-expensive Beats headphone line are at it again. This time with The Pill (haha get it, he’s Dr. Dre). The Pill is less than two inches tall and only 7.5 inches in length and packs a prescription grade dose of sounds in comparison to over the counter speakers (see what we did there?). It relies completely on Bluetooth technology and due to its size is extremely portable. The doctor is in. Only downside is that it kind of looks like a vibrator… ($200)

WHOOZ Give your charger some personality with WHOOZ. These removable iDevice power adapter covers make life a little better and bring us one set closer to Tyler Durden’s nightmare. They are compatible with iPhones, iPads, and iPods. ($10)

ETON BOOST TURBINE Super-storm Sandy took away your power? If you had the Eton Boost Turbine you’d still be sending emails, text, and playing Angry Birds (considering you could find a cell tower that hadn’t been blown into the Hudson River). The portable power pack has a 2000-mAH lithium battery pack with a Micro-USB DC input for use with your phone charger. The built in hand turbine power generator means as long as you have hands you’ll have power…sorry Roy Williams. ($60) Visit us online at www.Blitzweekly.com

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

November 14 - 27, 2012

JOKES

Blitz Funnys

Exchanging Vows

NEEDS TO CLEAN UP HER OWN ACT

November 2, 2012 - The Associated Press reports Susan Warren, 53, broke into a home in Elyria, Ohio, washed coffee cups, took out trash, vacuumed and dusted, before leaving a bill for $75 written on a napkin, including her phone number. After her arrest, Warren claimed to own a cleaning business. (She’d recently been arrested for a similar occurrence.)

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

ONE-WAY-OR-THE-OTHER After being placed on a railing by his mother at Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium, a 2-year-old boy fell into a pit. Barbara Baker, CEO of that facility, was not sure whether the 11-foot fall or

Scorpio October 23 – November 21 No one takes what you say seriously. Trying using more expressive hand gestures to get your point across.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 Tragedy strikes this week when you become another nameless victim to social Darwinism.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Despite blowing your entire check at the mall this weekend you just can’t seem to get into the Christmas spirit.

Pisces February 19 – March 20 This just in: You know how people ask you to stop doing that annoying thing? For you they mean breathing.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 If financial woes continue to get you down, try drinking some beer. Beer always makes you happy!

Aries March 21 – April 19 Now that you have a complete set of dental picks you seem like the right person for the job.

the attack by a pack of African wild dogs killed the child. CONGREGATION “CROSS” WITH NUN Sister Mary Anne Rapp, a nun at St. Mary and St. Mark Church, in Buffalo, NewYork, upset the members there with her choice in use of their contributions and donations. Apparently, behind God’s back, she “donated” $128,000 to support some 12 or so disciples of gambling. NO COOKBOOK REQUIRED October 26, 2012, The New York Times tells of Gilberto Valle, 28, a six-year veteran of the New York Police Department, arrested by the FBI for wanting to take an unusual “bite out of (into) crime.” Monitoring his emails, Feds read instant messages discussing plans to kidnap, rape, torture, kill, cook and eat body parts of at least one women. Ask how big his oven was, Valle typed he would need to fold the legs to “cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible.”

Taurus April 20 – May 20 Today is not the first day of your life, in fact; it’s your last! Gemini May 21 – June 21 Due to certain events beyond your control you will soon discover that pouring salt into an open wound isn’t a good thing. Cancer June 22 – July 22 You’ll be delighted to know that you’re more than just tits and ass.

ACROSS 1. Bestow 6. Desire 10. Anagram of “Salt” 14. Reluctant 15. Close 16. Sourish 17. Film 18. Countertenor 19. Found in a cafeteria 20. An expert 22. Wicked 23. Govern 24. Not learned 26. District 30. Governor (abbrev.) 31. Atlantic food fish 32. Foliage 33. Visual organs 35. Forbidden 39. Motion of hands 41. Introductory 43. Change

44. Russian parliament 46. Hint 47. Tear 49. A writing implement 50. If not 51. Joyous 54. Blend 56. Diva’s solo 57. Eloquent 63. Canines 64. Where two pieces meet 65. Flax fabric 66. Modify 67. Filly’s mother 68. Toward the outside 69. Expunge 70. T he products of human creativity 71. Relaxes

Leo July 23 – August 22 Your attempt to speed date at the bar will leave you with an outrageous tab and a great set of beer goggles. Virgo August 23 – September 22 Your dream of being featured in Popular Mechanics will come true when you are selected to be their “Tool of the Month”. Libra September 23 – October 22 Well you certainly picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!

DOWN 1. Charity 2. Coil 3. Wash 4. Ear-related 5. Not our 6. Pure 7. Remedy 8. Handguns 9. Arousing 10. Number of people present 11. Stage between egg and pupa 12. Characteristic 13. Pizazz 21. Type of drill 25. Memo 26. Aquatic plant 27. Bobbin 28. Where the sun rises 29. A delayed flavor sensation

34. Not often 36. Tab 37. Burden 38. Curved molding 40. Murres 42. Terror 45. Nouveau-riche 48. A fourth stateofmatter 51. Washed-out 52. Wear away 53. A seal 55. King 58. Back 59. Bloodsucking insects 60. Picnic insects 61. Nipple 62. Terminates

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November 14 - 27, 2012 VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

The CLOSER

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned

Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s reflecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Missteps of a Country Boy’s Two Step Yippie ki-yay! I done found myself a bona fide country boy. Forgive a girl for wantin’ and wantin’ a little Texas two-step after living here for several years. Their boots and their twang rub off on you a bit and you’re ready to saddle up with them! Okay this boy wasn’t a full-blooded cowboy, but he was pretty country. Unfortunately, he fancied two-stepping with two girls at once. After a break-up, one typically evaluates where they’re going to drum up their next main squeeze. Being set up with friends? Nope. Always ends in up as a catastrophic shit show with my heart and ego bruised. It’s time I take matters into my own hands and find a brute by happenstance. Happenstance it was when I had a highly desirable “meet-cute” at the gym. All my favorite gays chirped about meeting their boys at the gym. I never thought it worked out for the hetero’s. I guess in my case, it ultimately didn’t. I had been eyeing this certain boy for weeks at the gym. He was always pumping iron and I was blasting it on the cardio. I hate those silly bitches who get gussied up just to sweat it off at the gym. I’ll put my hand in the air and claim “guilty.” I was one of those dollfaced silly bitches. Anything to catch this backward-baseball-cap-wearing boy’s attention, right? Well I got his attention. No offense, but I certainly commanded it. It was effortless and quite refreshing to my battered ego. As our conversations lengthened, I began to think, “I liked him better when I just looked at him.” But he had a really sweet spirit about him, so I wanted to give it a whirl. Plus, he was downright country boy. I like me some o’ that!

We decide on a day date for our first out-ofgym encounter. I make darn sure to wear a fabulous dress in an effort to dazzle him. Every other time he saw me I had sweaty armpits and a sweaty mound of hair on top of my head. No amount of make-up can aid me in when it comes to the sweat factor. The day date was just kind of okay. A tad underwhelming but I thought I would enjoy an evening date. As we departed, he mentioned he was going to call me that weekend to get together again. That Friday came and as promised, he texted me, asking to get together. I said yes and waited for the plans to be firmed up. I kept waiting and waiting, all dolled up I might add. Who knows if he was hunting or mudding, but the country fella never got in touch with me that night. I was so annoyed and over it. He ended up calling the next day. I looked at his name on my phone and wanted to spit on it. Don’t be inviting me out on the town and then standing my ass up. That gets my blood boiling when boys are flakey. Perhaps it wouldn’t have annoyed me that much, but this country boy was in line after many other flakey SOB’s and my tolerance was simply nonexistence. His calls went unanswered but I picked up his third attempt. I answered and was quite a bitch. I didn’t get a blow-out and a manicure to sit my rear at home waiting for him to firm up our date plans. I was mad at myself that I let him have power over me like that. I should have kicked up my heels and painted the town red with my girlfriends. Instead I sulked in my room like a pity-party-loving teen. He divulged he got so drunk and passed out and that’s why he didn’t make our date. His apologies were relentless and he pleaded to make it up to me. At this point I was thinking like a man. I knew I didn’t want any future with him, but he was still really hot. Maybe we could just have a random makeout session? Now let me be clear. Although I’ve had a slew of dates this past year (most of which were pretty piss-poor excuses of dates) there hasn’t been any naughty nocturnal action. In fact, I could stand to slut it up a bit more… at least have a good roll in the hay without a penis. Maybe just an under the

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shirt boob touch. Perhaps this column should be called “How To Date the Prude Way.” Anyway, I was thinking I’d bite the bullet, get a little tipsy and lure him into my bedroom. As the night ended, we sat chatting on my couch for a couple hours. I didn’t know how to broach the subject of heading upstairs to the bedroom, so I just blurted it out. I was shocked as hell when he said, “I plan on hanging out with you a lot more so let’s not rush it.” I was basically throwing myself at him and he was declining. As soon as he left, I got a text where he explained he really wanted to come up but “I’m the kind of girl you date, not the kind of girl you hook up with.” My heart sang after reading this and I was so happy he recognized that! Even after my awkward, naïve attempt to “seduce” him, he could see my true innocent colors! More dates were planned and kept. I was really digging his country flair, even though I was accustomed to a city slicker. There were silly little country things he would say and I would get super turned off for a second. Like when he told me there were antlers and deer heads in his room. I never went over to his house as I didn’t want to make eye contact with a deceased doe above his bed. He prompted me to come over every now and then, stating “it wasn’t going to be an away game every time.” I enjoyed my house much better…the frills and ruffles suit me much better than animal carcasses. As we continued to date, I could tell it wasn’t going to end pretty. I just never got that feeling where he made my knees weak. He sure as hell wasn’t a core shaker. In fact, I’m not sure he even rattled my core in the slightest. As the shit always hits the fan, it was bound to with this country boy as well. My little Nancy Drew senses came in handy when I kept getting group texts from him. This certain number continually flashed on my screen and for some reason, he felt the need to include both of us in texts. Read the rest at Blitzweekly.com

The

AnsweR Guy with

Arthur Bellfield

Dear Arthur, I think my fiancée is marrying me for my money. She is constantly shopping and expecting me to shower her with gifts and my family and friends have started to take notice. They tell me that she is nothing but a gold digging hussie. Are they right or do they have her all wrong? I would never call a woman a gold digging hussie, not to her face. But, between us guys - she is a gold digging hussie. The bigger question now is what are you going to do about it? The obvious answer would be to just break up with her. But, you’re not writing me for the obvious conclusion to your love story. The only reason why this woman is doing this to you is because YOU LET HER! Women will only use men who open themselves up to being used, and vice versa. The lingering feeling from high school that begs for acceptance and acknowledgement lives on into our adult years and shapes our relationships. This opens us all up to being used and abused on various levels. You’re simply allowing yourself to be used, so that she doesn’t leave you. Co-dependency is a bitch! I see it all the time; half-ugly dudes with money blowing it on young chicks, older women spoiling dudes almost half their age, rebellious preppy girls latching on to broke thugs, etc…all for the sake of being accepted and “loved” even if they know that it’s a lie. No one wants to be alone! In order to get rid of this chick tell her you’re a victim of ID thief and that someone cleaned out your bank account. Ask her to borrow $1,000 to hold you over. She’ll be gone before you’re done reading this!

VOL. 5 - ISSUE 10

November 14 - 27, 2012

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