How I Broke Up with Myself

My journey through selfawareness and discovery. How I Broke Up with

Myself

By Emily Orth

Fashion Thomas Richards, Emily Orth Model Emily Orth Collage Zhiyuan Xie What does it mean to be toxic? The oxford definition simply puts it as poisonous. We use toxic as a word to describe actions or beliefs that are seemingly very complex, but maybe it all boils down to anything destructive or poisonous.

Destructive behavior is typically something people point out in others, especially in past relationships. This kind of behavior can make people feel manipulated, judged, attacked, used, underappreciated, violated—the list goes on. I took some time during quarantine to write out the way some of my past relationships had made me feel. While writing out what I experienced, thinking of situations I thought to have healed from, I became extremely upset. Sometimes a wave would hit and it felt like I was experiencing these situations for the first time all over again. I’d be angry at myself for feeling this way because I had thought I had found peace with these situations, and that’s when I realized: I was not upset with all the people I had toxic experiences with anymore, I was upset with myself. I was bearing the weight of these self-destructive thoughts without evening flinching. Could I be my own worst enemy?

The next step in this process was the most humbling of all. After thinking about how other people made me feel, I thought about how I made myself feel. I wrote down a list of my toxic traits trying to be as brutally honest as I could be. The list looked something like this: 1. Constantly comparing myself to others and tearing myself down 2. Never apologizing to myself for pushing too hard, only criticizing myself if I did not do enough 3. Being a people pleaser, never respecting my own boundaries or wishes in order to please someone else After writing out this list and thinking of every possible way I had been poisonous to myself, I felt relieved, as though the venom had been sucked out of me; yet venom isn’t as easy to remove at first thought. Toxic traits are tendencies lots of us do without really noticing. Therefore, I made an anti-toxic to-do list, one that I would try to look over day and night, reminding myself not to succumb to these negative thought patterns, and if I did, to let it go and try again.

I began to recognize that if I was behaving this way towards myself, there’s a chance I was also toxic to others. While it’s useless to harp on the past, it’s essential to reflect on the way you may have treated people and how you can improve.

Though we all may very well be the poisonous snake in someone else’s story, maybe even our own, there is nothing we can do to change the past. We are all human, bound to make mistakes. The most beautiful part is that we can learn and grow from them. The truth is, there really is no step-by-step on how to break up with yourself. The separation will look different for everyone. For me, it has been an extensive and challenging process, with many ups and downs. What’s most important is that you reflect on yourself, you stay gentle with yourself, and you forgive yourself.

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