Toi Magazine Aug./Sept. 2019 Issue #18

AUG./SEPT. 2019 ISSUE NO.18

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, AVPD, & NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

HIDDEN ILLNESS

WHAT DOES IT TRULY MEAN TO BE A HSP?

AUTHOR CAROL BROWN AND HSP COACH DARBY SHERMAN SPEAK ON THE IMPORTANCE OF PROTECTING YOUR ENERGY AS A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON

BRESCIA

STORIES OF PEOPLE SUFFERING IN SILENCE WITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND EATING DISORDERS

WWW.TOIMAGAZINE.COM

DOVER

YOUTUBER BRESCIA SHARES HER STORY OF OVERCOMING ANOREXIA

T A B L E

O F

C O N T E N T S

Positivity & Purpose Connecting the Dots with Dr. Shawn Horn The True Meaning of Being a Highly Sensitive Person Personality Disorders & Narcissistic Abuse Eating Disorders Substance Abuse Our Team: Editor-In-Chief: Autumn Farr Assistant Editor: Kaylee Rhames Instagram: @toi.magazine YouTube: Type in "Toi Magazine" to see our various YouTube unboxings!!

Website: www.toimagazine.com Email: toimagazineteam@gmail.com Phone: (415)689-9465

All of the content in Toi Magazine is strictly for entertainment purposes. Please consult with your doctor, physician, mental health professional, etc. in regards to the stories, studies, etc. in this magazine.

Ages 18+ only due to profanity, talk of sexual assault, mentions of abuse, and other possibly triggering topics. (drug & alcohol usage, eating disorders, personality disorders)

Please do not self-diagnose and see a licensed health professional if you suspect you may have a condtion listed or spoken about in Toi Magazine.

NICOLA SALTER www.nicolasalter.com Instagram: @nicolasalter_loves_life_ Itunes: Your Uni ue Brilliance Podcast.

Amazon: Hot Water for Tea – inspired formulations and aromatic elixirs using tea and essential oils.

"I created a program called

Rede ine Yourself and Discover your Uni ue Brilliance

designed for anyone who had ever been given a health or mental label of “you can’t”, for anyone who was stuck but knew deep within themselves they were supposed to be doing something to make a difference and feel ful illed by it, and for women who had not been able to speak their truth or ind their con idence to do so, and inally for women who wanted to discover their potential and transform this into a business."

"I believe we are wired differently for a reason and this reason is so that we can reach others with a uni ue message that they will hear and will make a difference to them."

Redefine Yourself & Discover Your Unique Brilliance About 7 years ago I realized that the work I was doing in my existing practice of intuitive counselling and energy medicine, which included essential oils, needed to go to another level. I was working with veterans with PTSD, who wanted to carve out a new civilian life but didn’t know where to start and were blocked through past experiences from war, and also working with female clients who were coming to see me complaining of lack of purpose. I was fortunate to meet my coach at the time who introduced me to new methods and ways of moving forward combined with my own techniques.

During this time, I was also going through a relationship shake up and I knew I was changing deep inside and the relationship was no longer matching who I was or who he was. It was a time for redefining myself and finding my new purpose.

My clients in a way were pushing me to go to the next level, and so I did. I created a program called Redefine Yourself and Discover your Unique Brilliance designed for anyone who had ever been given a health or mental label of “you can’t”, for anyone who was stuck but knew deep within themselves they were supposed to be doing something to make a difference and feel fulfilled by it, and for women who had not been able to speak their truth or find their confidence to do so, and finally for women who wanted to discover their potential and transform this into a business.

How do you feel your mentorship program has shaped you?This is such a great question because honestly,I had to walk every step of my own mentorship program before I could offer it out there to the world. And in the beginning, I didn’t even really know I would be doing this. I just loved the steps and methods I was using to make a difference for myself and believe in myself that when I saw them working, I felt so deeply that I wanted to share this.

The program shaped me to believe in the magic of the world and what it can bring us and by that I mean synchronicity, you know that feeling when something you were thinking about just yesterday and what you want, seems to turn up the next day in some shape or form, and you think, that’s weird I was just thinking that!

Well, synchronicity usually happens when you are in alignment with your greatest potential and you recognize it. I wasn’t quite sure of my absolute purpose at the time, I had a nugget of an idea but bringing it all together walking the walk, talking the talk and raising the bar, took some undertaking.

When I left my relationship I only had $238 in the bank and had to rely on some very good people and my sister to put a roof over my head and then began putting together all the methods I had been shown along with my own, and began to see a shift in my mindset, belief patterns. I soon came to realize just how much the neural patterns in our brains love old experiences and put us in survival mode, so we cannot move forward.

It was an awesome experience, successful and every word and step I share is steeped in a personal experience.

What do you feel is not spoken about enough when it comes to diving into one’s purpose?Another good question, I think there are many coaches out there at the moment who believe in purpose and understand that it’s an important driving force for all of us to then set our goals from and build out how we are going to make this happen.

But what appears to be forgotten or missing is the understanding that the state of our brains and believing in our purpose is not always believed by our deeper selves.

The methods I use to discover your purpose are very unique and do involve personal one on one time delving deep into the blueprint of who you came into the world to be. This cannot be done by someone who hasn’t been trained in this because then we you do discover your purpose, and believe me the light switch goes on and I usually get chilly bumps as well as my client and there are tears, seriously, because it is such a soulful moment, the heart opens and there is a huge ah ha moment, but the the brain immediately jumps into “ rejection” and disbelief.

So there is an art of discovering your purpose and pathways to this, and then taking action on your purpose and retraining your brain so it believes it. Your brain is so crazy, it just loves to take you to the negative, thinking it is protecting you, but it is really holding you back.

So many of us go to these amazing inspirational conferences and believe in our purpose for a short while, and then our brains naturally turn us to the negative telling us we cannot achieve this.

This is where training to help repattern the brain comes in.

Who Does Your Program Help?

My program is primarily for women seeking to redefine themselves in terms of more deeply understanding who they are , what they want and how to do this, whether we build out a business together, monetize it for them to create success and create amazing content that makes them stand out, build on their own personal journeys and how this attracts their divine right clients, build confidence, drop labels that may have been given to them by society and the medical profession, and help them move away from self-sabotage.

Ultimately its about stepping into the best version of yourself, understanding your journey, the positive impact this could bring to others, and how and what you want to monetize so you can create a business that is in total alignment with who you really are, not what others tell you.

Nicola's Mentorship Program & Mental Health Mental wellness applies to all of us. Some of us are wired differently. I believe we are wired differently for a reason and this reason is so that we can reach others with a unique message that they will hear and will make a difference to them.

We are not here to please people we are here to master our own realities and those within our community or tribe will gravitate to those who they feel safe and familiar with. I strongly believe that the hero’s journey we have been given is to shape us and to help others, to share and to grow together.

I love the insights I get from my clients who may have been labelled with OCD , ADD, Anxiety Disorders, Mood Disorders and we work together to build on why these patterns were created and how we can use them effectively and build out a career or direction where we embrace

these labels, we don’t resist them but make them effective, and this is what seems to be my gift to intuitively see beyond the label and the fear to the true essence of a person and work with them to see that and then create a direction offering that totally suits them.

The Incorporation of Essesntial Oils and Menotrship You know, when I first began aromatherapy I really had no idea to what an extent the oils would make a difference in the mentoring work I was doing. I have been fortunate to work alongside clients with Autism, OCD, ADD, PTSD, anxiety, suicide ideation and I say fortunate at this point because these courageous people who go about their lives and are conflicted at the same time as building out a career and lifestyle with challenging issues that would sink most of us, and they still find within them, with help and support, the means to carve out a lifestyle for themselves, which I feel and have seen , is often so transformative and deep.

Identifying the underlying emotion and then choosing the appropriate essential oil, for example using Vetivert oil for grounding and staying present, or sweet orange oil for optimism and dispersing irritability, Holy Basil for mental stress, plus many many more and using the power of smell to release neurochemicals from the brain that flood the body, to focus, to uplift, to calm, to balance.Quite often we will do a meditation with an essential oil during the session to help clarify a new thought, or to connect the person to a deeper more connected to space to discover new perspectives.

Negative Thoughts & Understanding Your Brain All of us have a mindset that is set more to the negative than the positive. Unfortunately, again this is how we are wired. It is not our fault its in our DNA , a survival instinct that keeps us safe, and helps us self-doubt so we don’t make a move forward, incase we get eaten by a bear or some prehistoric dinosaur. It is in our DNA to have negative thoughts.

But of course these days negative thoughts even though they are neural pathway in the brain that has been prerecorded and also in our DNA, can be let go of, but we do need to use techniques and methods to help us disassociate memory from emotion so we can move forward. There are processes we can use for doing this and also neurofeedback that we use at the Missing Peace for Anxiety Center.

It is a non-invasive technique that allows our brains to selfregulate themselves using sensors and special software and the brain activity is measured reflected back through a video display.

We don’t transmit anything into the brain we are only recording and feeing back info found within the brain and then allowing the brain to see its own activity. Self-regulation of brain activity helps our clients function better cognitively, emotionally and behaviorally.

I use EFT, heart focused breathing and the use of essential oils to support the brain’s activity and well-being.

The use of essential oils to help clients with negative thoughts is a major part of this, because when you smell an essential oil it triggers part of the brain to release certain neurochemicals that flood through the body, and each essential oil may be able to make a difference with how we are feeling. So for example, we use the aroma of Lavender – to release serotonin, and helps with anxiety, sleep and depression.

Bergamot – for PTSD. Also good for unexpressed anxiety, anger, frustration. Allows surrender. Introduces optimism.

Chamomile Roman – good for insomnia. Digestive stress.

Nervous stress. Over control. Helps to release expectations, connect to compassion.

Clary Sage –Lowers blood pressure, panic attacks, calms mind,. Nervous debility, strengthening and focus. Good for restless minds, inspiration flows.

Eucalyptus – optimism, feelings of being tied down. Disperses neg feelings.

Opens the lungs.

Frankincense – cancers. Relaxes the nervous system, nervous tension.

Overthinking. Inner awareness.

Grapefruit – cleanses, lightens, weight loss, helps feel full. Stops overeating emotionally. Reduces comfort eating. Clears frustration.

Holy Basil – mental stress Soon to be released is Nicola's program for aromatherapy to support anxiety and PTSD. What is the biggest thing your mentorship has helped people overcome?

Knowing who they are, their purpose, being confident to embrace their brilliance and to step forward into the world making a difference with their story, feeling fulfilled and creating success, personal and financial success for themselves. Many of my clients have come to me completely unclear about their next steps and with anxiety and fear, by the time we complete our journey together they are setting up their own business, meeting new people, creating a product and in some cases generating more money than they thought possible. All because they are committed to take the tools and work we do and move forward, without their commitment none of this would be possible.

Closing Words & Gratitude I am so grateful to love and live a life that truly expresses who I am and I get to live my purpose with people who are doing the same and give so much love and compassion to the world.

About Nicola I was originally born and raised in London England and was so lucky to have a fabulous mom and dad who hugely believed in taking care of yourself through your food and well-being. My mom especially was probably the instigator of many healthy foods in our household and special foods for health issues. She really was my catalyst for looking at life in more of a holistic perspective and introduced me to practitioners who would help me with a serious back problem at a young age, and also when my sister and I got sick rather than run for the doctor look at diet first and what to restrict or eat more of with the help of a naturopath.

All of this contributed to my love of learning more about plant medicine and the practice of aromatherapy using essential oils, which then opened the door to many other holistic care practices for the mind, body and spirit. I was also working in London in the corporate world at the time and was one of a handful of women in London 25 + yrs ago to sit with senior board members of an exclusive business member network at quite a young age, with heavy influences in the political arena. This experience was the beginning of a powerful learning curve to help me build confidence in myself and then share this with other business women as I grew in a male dominated work environment in business to business, commercial and residential property marketing. I learned first-hand about the glass ceiling, what it took to break -away from old belief patterns, speak up without fear and really listen and then take action.Knowing who you are and what you stand for is paramount in how you work and live your life. Being of service and feeling fulfilled by it – became my code.I now help women solopreneurs develop their code, their purpose and inject this into a new career, business, their work and life.

During my time in the corporate world, my intuition had led me to work on my own awareness and self-discovery, learning to embrace my own intuitive capabilities in a grounded, effective way and studying and experiencing lifestyle, wellness and mentoring tools outside of my daily work. I too had been challenged with health issues and wanted to make a change for myself. At the time, I didn’t know any of this would lead me to where I am today, all I knew was that I was driven to discover more of what was outside of the box.I finally left the corporate world to begin helping women rebuild parts of themselves they had forgotten and now build for success.

Here I am now in Los Angeles as a Mentor loving what I do, and just so grateful I can help women and entrepreneurs love what they do and make a success of it and build a business … stand out from the crowd with their unique abilities and also build relationships with the work they offer.

www.nicolasalter.com

T I M E

F O R

C H A N G E Schedule your free bonus call with Nicola to discuss your challenges, your hopes and dreams and how to turn these into an effective new direction for yourself.

DR. LORETTA BREUNING HTTPS://WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/LORETTABREUNINGPHDHTTPS:// WWW.YOUTUBE.COM/C/INNERMAMMALINSTITUTEHTTPS://WWW. LINKEDIN.COM/IN/LORETTABREUNING/

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@INNER.MAMMAL.INST INNER MAMMAL INSTITUTE LORETTABREUNINGPHD

ABOUT DR.LORETTA BREUNING I GREW UP IN NEW YORK. SPENT A YEAR WITH THE UNITED NATIONS IN AFRICA DURING GRAD SCHOOL. I WAS SHOCKED

BY THE CORRUPTION SO I LOOKED FOR A NEW CAREER. I WAS A COLLEGE PROFESSOR IN CALIFORNIA FOR 20 YEARS. THEN I TOOK EARLY RETIREMENT BECAUSE I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. AS A PROFESSOR AND A MOM, I REALIZED THAT THE THEORIES OF MOTIVATION I’D BEEN TAUGHT WERE WRONG. I SEARCHED FOR NEW ANSWERS, AND FOUND STUDIES OF THE BRAIN CHEMISTRY WE SHARE WITH EARLIER MAMMALS. SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING MADE SENSE! I KNEW THIS WAS USEFUL SO I BEGAN CREATING RESOURCES TO HELP PEOPLE MANAGE THEIR INNER MAMMAL. I FOUNDED THE INNER MAMMAL INSTITUTE, WHICH NOW OFFERS VIDEOS, BOOKS, PODCASTS, MULTIMEDIA, AND A TRAINING PROGRAM, TO HELP YOU MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR INNER MAMMAL. INNERMAMMALINSTITUTE.ORG MY LATEST BOOK IS TAME YOUR ANXIETY: REWIRING YOUR BRAIN FOR HAPPINESS.

THE SCIENCE OF POSITIVITY The Reason for Creating The Science of Positivity I was frustrated by all the negativity around me. I refuse to listen to it, but it’s not polite to lecture people, so I write instead! I had already written Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain your brain to boost your serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin and endorphin levels, which focuses on our individual power over our brain. But I realized that the negativity around us makes it it’s hard to find your individual power, so I wrote The Science of Positivity.

The book shows how to rewire yourself for positivity in six weeks, in just three minutes a day. You focus on the good for one in your life for one minute, three times a day. I don’t mean gratitude for puppies and rainbows; I mean finding the positive aspect of whatever is going on. You may think this sounds biased, but you are already biased in favor of the negative, so you need to adjust for that. After your three minutes of positivity, you might be negative the rest of the day, but you have trained your brain to LOOK for positives since you already LOOK for negatives.

The book provides complete detail on the happy and unhappy brain chemicals, and how we build the neural pathways that tell us what to look for.

Why Does Our Brain Go Negative?

Our brain evolved to promote survival, not to make you feel good. When a gazelle smells a lion, it would rather keep eating, but it would not survive if it did that. It runs because its brain releases cortisol. Cortisol feels so bad that you can’t focus on anything but making it stop. That’s what it takes to get the gazelle to shift from eating to running. You can see why cortisol is called the stress chemical!

Our brain prioritizes the negative because you can survive missing a meal better than you can survive a predator attack.

Today we are safe from predators, but we still have the danger radar inherited from our ancestors. So we blow small things up into big things, because cortisol is so good at making you feel threatened.

Our brain evolved to seek good feelings. We go negative because we expect that to feel good, paradoxically. Negativity stimulate our happy chemicals. It stimulates dopamine by helping us make correct predictions. It stimulates oxytocin by helping us build social alliances. It stimulates serotonin by helping us feel superior. We seek a feeling of superiority because our brains are inherited from mammals who were quite competitive. When you condemn society and people in power, you are making yourself superior to them. It feels good in the short run, but in the long run, you have to keep criticizing everything and focusing on the bad in everything in order to keep stimulating happy chemicals in the way you’re used to.

Positive Thinking Is Not the Same As Gratitude Our thinking is shaped by neural pathways built from early experience. We feel unsafe when we leave those old pathways, so positive thinking actually feels unsafe at first. If you keep at it, you will build a new pathway in your brain and it will feel normal.

But you’re still left with the original problem: how to go positive when everyone else is going negative. It takes courage to separate from the herd— at first, but if you keep at it, you will build a new pathway in your brain and it will feel normal!

Positivity is not the same as “gratitude.” It’s more active. You can be positive about yourself instead of just about things you got by accident.

"Don’t let trauma become your identity and way of bonding."

My Experience with Positive Thinking I did these practices for a long time before a wrote the book. I grew up around negative thinking and knew I would drown if I went along with it. Of course I had fear and frustration like everyone. But when something bad happened to me, I would tell myself “I’ll make something good come out of this eventually.” And it does, if you’re patient and open-minded.

Trauma Survivors & Positive Thinking Focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want.

Don’t let trauma become your identity and way of bonding. Don’t believe other people have it easy and you are a victim.

Once you focus on the good, you have to do it again and again because things get your attention.

When I say “focus on the good,” include yourself in the good. Do things you are proud of.

What If I Have Shame or Guilt In My Life?

Do things you are proud of. Focus on your next step, and the step after that. Trust feels good because it promotes survival, but trusting everyone does not promote survival.

We evolved to make careful decisions about who we trust. We make those decisions with neural pathways built from early experience, but we can update those circuits with repeated effort.

My Favorite Chapter in SoP Is...

How to PARE your negativity with Personal Agency and Realistic Expectations.

It’s full of practical examples of how to go positive.

Personal agency is the feeling that you are your own agent instead of believing you need an agent do things for you. Realistic expectations are so important because people sell you on unrealistic dreams. When your brain realizes that you are not approaching the dream, your happy chemicals stop. But with realistic expectations, you keep taking small steps and every step stimulates more happy chemicals.

Loretta's Gratitude My grandchild just turned one, and she’s very exciting.

My kids have personal agency (!!!) and I am looking forward to more grandchildren. My husband is retired so he makes it easy for me to stay home and write, and he travels with me when I speaking. I have the life I want!

EDITOR-IN CHIEF (AUTUMN) -I HAVE READ THIS BOOK AND LOOOOVVEEE IT!!!!

VERY ENLIGHTENING & INFORMATIONAL. IT IS A BOOK THAT YOU CAN READ & REFRENCE TO YOUR OWN LIFE VERY EASILY.

CONNECTING THE DOTS Photography by Letticia Bissondut www.letticiabissondut.com @letticiabissondut

TOPIC:

Power of the Story

with Dr.Shawn Horn LICENSED

CLINICAL

PSYCHOLOGIST

@drshawnhorn Host of "The Sassy Shrink!" Podcast Founder of @pyschologydirectory Shawn Horn, PsyD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, in private practice, with 27 years’ experience in the mental health field. You can hear her podcast, “The Rock Your Awesome Show with Dr. Shawn Horn” on iTunes and google play and find her on social media @drshawnhorn. This column is for educational purposes and is not intended as direct medical advice nor constitutes a professional relationship with Dr. Shawn. If needed, please seek support in your community.

Y

“You will never lose weight!” that is what the doctor said to me at a health fair. He had no idea how devastating and triggering those words were to me in that moment. All my childhood flashed before me, the bullying, the “fat” calling, the body shaming, the time I was told, “you will never have friends, never have a boyfriend, you will never go to a dance… you’re fat! You’re fat! You’re fat!” So very painful and so very real. This was my story, like so many who have been body shamed and paralyzed by body image struggles and eating disorders. My biggest fear was that I really wouldn’t ever lose weight! Those words felt like a curse.

“You will never be rich!” the palm reader said. I was warned by my wise mentor to not seek the fortunes of psychics. On this day, my guard was down and curiosity won! Fear flooded my body. Why did she say this!

What does this mean!?! Again, the words felt like a curse. These very two moments haunted me throughout my life. They played in the background of my psyche and became glued to my identity. They became part of my story!

Our personal narratives are so powerful. They lead and alter how we view ourselves, others and the world. We make ‘agreements’ with those beliefs, with the story, with the words that were spoken over us. Perhaps we were continually told we weren’t good enough, so eventually, we agreed. We may have been told we weren’t smart enough, and eventually, we agreed. This agreement begins to shape our efforts, what we try and what we don’t try. They become our self-fulfilling prophesies.

The sabotaging behavior or what mental health professionals call, “therapeutic interfering behavior.”

What we don’t realize is that the story, the agreements serve to protect us, although, misguidedly. It is easier to believe I can’t, then to try, fail, and experience the profound pain of the too familiar experience of failure. I may be able to survive if I blame myself, then to realize that those who harmed me were actually unsafe. That may be too painful of a reality. When we can’t control our safety, our pain, we will reach for a sense of control and we do this by agreeing with the story. It is our mental deception and we will defend it!

As psychotherapist, we think it’s good news to tell clients, “Hey, its not your fault…there is hope…you can!” What we don’t realize is that we just attacked their very defenses that are deeply woven into their sense of self. To change the story, to change our agreements, it requires that we sit with the truth of what was and learned to tolerate the uncontrollable; to tolerate we cannot change that which is not in our power to change; to tolerate the overwhelming pain. It requires that we face the truth that life comes with unexpected events and we will experience pain. This truth is exceptionally difficult to embrace for those who have experience trauma. It is much easier to accept when one has not had the impact of terror enter their lives. The truth is, we don’t experience the pain any different by believing in the deceptive story, we just convince ourselves that our pain is less. However, what we resist persists, therefore, the avoided pain will grow stronger and stronger. This reminds me of a time I worked with someone who had “pretended” their parent had not passed away. For 10 years they pretended. Never to speak of it, think of it, admit it, etc. This grew into the most excruciating grief I have ever witnessed. It wasn’t until the person stopped pretended, allowed themselves to grieve, that healing occurred.

The solution! Take the courageous step to not agree with the story. To be open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, you have a different story. Instead of being “too sensitive” perhaps you are a “gifted empath.”

Instead of being “irresponsible” perhaps you are a “creative visionary!”

Instead of being “withdrawn and avoidant” perhaps you are a “contemplative thought leader.” Instead of being “dramatic and always wanting attention” perhaps you are a “gifted performer meant to entertain others.” It might be scary to let go of the story. It might mean you have to feel the pain. The truth is, it is this very walk that takes you to the land of freedom! It is worth it!

I rewrote my story! Instead of believe that #@@ Doctor, I continued to pursue health and found it! Instead of giving that palm reader power, I learned how to manage my finances and built wealth. Words and beliefs only have power over us when we agree with the story. I chose to not agree and changed my agreements to be aligned with my faith, that I am perfectly made child of God that has significance, value, purpose and hope! Are you ready to rewrite your story? I hope so, it will be exciting!

"TAKE THE COURAGEOUS STEP TO NOT AGREE WITH THE STORY. TO BE OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITY THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT STORY."

Carol Brown

AUTHOR OF "HIGHLY SENSITIVE" WWW.CAROLABROWN.COM FACEBOOK: CAROL.BROWN5682

Highly Sensitive

By Carol Brown

About Carol My hometown is Juneau, Alaska. I am a retired educator, having taught all levels from first grade through post-graduate and adult education. My favorite part was teaching English as a Second Language. Being Foreign Student Advisor was a lot as fun as well and then I did a stint as Education Director for a Christian counseling center until multiple sclerosis ended everything I loved doing! That’s when I took up knitting and sketching and accidently fell into writing—just to save my sanity!

Why I Created My Book, "Highly Sensitive" I wrote Highly Sensitive and its companion volume The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity to give voice and vocabulary to how highly sensitive people experience life, to better understand its purpose and value to one’s self and to others. The book Highly Sensitive, in particular, helps you learn how to strengthen five areas in which HSP’s (highly sensitive persons) are vulnerable.

Those of us who grew up in homes where feelings and relationships were not talked about do not have the vocabulary to identify feelings; we carry a ball of emotion but don’t know how to unravel it.

Too often we are told to “stop being that way,” that we are “too sensitive,” that we need to “toughen up, because life can be (fill in the blank)!” Or, we are called emotional basket cases and we think we are going crazy or that something is wrong with us, and there are people ready to agree! We are picked on, ignored, dismissed and rejected and often made responsible for everything that goes wrong, but it is also our job to keep the peace. We become “fixers” (and are often very good at it!) and peacemakers. We want to make things better, so we get sucked into over responsibility and can be a sucker for unhealthy relationships. We often feel there is something wrong with us, so when people say things like that it lands and hurts deeply, adding to a poor self-image and low self-worth. Because we are so sensitive, barbs cut deeper and wound more profoundly than for those less sensitive—it takes us longer to heal and forgive.

But when I began writing Highly Sensitive, I was just trying to survive a massive M.S. attack that took my vision, my balance, my career, and gave me bone grinding fatigue. It took away everything that told me who I am and what I am, my value and worth—it was psychologically devastating.

I had a small window of time each day when I was semi-alert; as stories floated through my mind, I toddled to the computer and typed them up. When I had a stack of papers about four inches thick, I heard a thought in my mind, “We have a book!” The other side of my head thought, “We do?” I contacted a friend who taught journalism to help me dig the MS out of the manuscript.

When it came to the publisher, she asked if there was a place where the book naturally divided because it was a terribly large book for a first-time author. I showed her where, and that’s why we have Highly Sensitive AND The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity. Highly Sensitive is the part of the original huge book that is about how to learn to live with this “gift” of sensitivity before it kills you! The Mystery is about foundational concepts and characteristics, how it works in families, marriages and relationships in general--sort of like the first part is the theory and the second part is the practicals. (I was a teacher, what can I say!)

What Defines Someone As A Highly Sensitive Person?

A highly sensitive person is one who is born with a finely tuned central nervous system. We take in much more sensory data than those less sensitive. Science tells us that there is about an 80/20 ratio in the general population—with the highly sensitive in the 20%. Some say it may be closer to 30%. We tend to be slower to speak because of the volume of sensory data; it takes time to sort through it all to know what we feel or think. But sensitivity, like any other characteristic, is on a spectrum from the relationally tone-deaf individual to the highly sensitive person who picks up on people on the other side of the country! These are the ones who can sense the atmosphere in the room, who can “read other people’s mail” i.e. know things without being told.

I first identified as highly sensitive when I heard Mark Sandford, a pastoral counselor, talk about burden bearing—how we are able to come alongside someone who is hurting and take on their “burden.” In this way we lighten their overwhelming load, so they are then able to “be themselves” again. He explained that people of faith can do this without losing themselves in the process because they know what to do with the burden. I began to understand many of the “weird” experiences I had. Such as intuitively knowing what my father needed and wanted and doing it before he asked, having a headache after accompanying my mother shopping, being bothered by loud noises, bright lights and crowds of people. (I picked up the pain others were carrying and didn’t know what to do with it!) Or the time I “knew” what my husband had been planning and doing to surprise me! I realized that this sensitivity is what made me a good teacher. I could sense what a student wanted to say and provide the words needed. The creativity that comes with this sensitivity was the well that provided multiple ways to explain a concept, and create exercises to help students learn. That creativity is also why we always are called on to help!) Emotions sensed in others will feel like they originate with us—including negative ones because our brains automatically synchronize so that we feel what the other person feels. There are benefits to high sensitivity, but also negatives. When we do not realize that not everything we feel originates with us, we will wear other people’s burdens as if they were our own. We must learn to recognize what is “me” and what is not and bear burdens rightly, and how to discharge them, so we are not overburdened and become of no good to others, God, or ourselves!

"We “HSPers” tend to want to help, to make things better; we can be over conscientious, over compassionate, and allow people to use and abuse us."

"Develop those boundaries, learn who you can trust, and find like-minded people!"

Highly Sensitive is written from a Christian perspective and contains so words that some may find triggering. However, if you know that upfront, and can read with that in mind, you will still find helpful strategies for living successfully with the gift. The book lays out five common areas of personal development that we can take responsibility for and build strength into our emotions, relationships and psyche so that we are not run over or taken advantage of.

What Is Not Spoken About Enough with HSP? Probably self-care. Psychological and relational development is something we can work on. That is what this book, Highly Sensitive focuses on. Self-care is an important part of that. We “HSPers” tend to want to help, to make things better; we can be over conscientious, over compassionate, and allow people to use and abuse us. If we do not off-load the “stuff” we pick up from others we will become overburdened ourselves. As a group, highly sensitive people tend to focus on others to the neglect of self.

The Benefits & Downsides The benefit of being highly sensitive is that we can sense when a friend or family member is having a difficult time emotionally or relationally, and most often we are able to come alongside and help; we are good at helping them find a way through or out.

This sensitivity helps us relate easily on a spiritual level as well.

Our relationship with our creator can be deep, meaningful and rewarding.

The downside to high sensitivity is that we can be easily sucked into co-dependent, verbally, emotionally, and/or physically abusive relationships, be used and abused, and burnt out. We can be an easy mark, a push over because we sense others needs and desires and don’t want to hurt them by saying “No!” So, we give in or go along to get along and find ourselves angry with ourselves for being used and taken advantage of. When we wear others’ burdens/pains as if they are our own, we can be so concentrated on them that we lose ourselves and don’t know who we are any more. We can be so focused on one slice of life that we feel justified in ignoring the rest of life.

Protecting Your Energy As A HSP First of all be aware of how we are designed so that we will have an idea of the people and activities that will deplete our energies, drain our batteries! For example, I found that the academic calendar worked the best for me. I can be engaged with students for three months, and then I needed Christmas break; winter quarter, spring break, spring quarter, and then the summer to recharge fully! I need to avoid the mall as much as possible. I do best with 1-4 people, anything more than that becomes overstimulating. I avoid gossipy groups if at all possible, and negative people…you get the picture.

Secondly, identify what recharges you. For me it is reading, music—doing it and listening to it, knitting and painting. Loving up on my kids and grandkids. Third, commit to give yourself the time and space you need to recharge. Write “recharge” on your

calendar so that when someone calls, you already have a commitment or appointment. You don’t need to say that the commitment/appointment is with yourself!And for people of faith, if you know you are going to be in a place where the people or atmosphere is toxic, be sure to prepare yourself spiritually.Develop those boundaries, learn who you can trust, and find likeminded people!

My Favorite Chapter of "Highly Sensitive" My favorite chapter is the last one, The Big Reveal. I came to the next to the last chapter and knew it needed an ending, but I was all written out. There was no more creative energy, so I turned to God and said, “What do you want to say here? I’m all written out and I’ve nothing more to say so You are going to have to write the last chapter.” And then I read it for the first time as it flowed onto the computer screen. I felt as if I were just the typist as God downloaded it! It was so amazing; I didn’t want it to end!

In an odd way, it speaks to fulfillment, of coming into our own at the “big reveal” when we will see the end result of how all the experiences and learnings (strange, hard, and otherwise) of a lifetime have formed us into who we have become. We will see our value, our exquisite design, our worth, and be in awe… I’ll say no more. I don’t want to spoil it for you! ☺ Closing Words & Gratitude I am grateful when I read emails from folks all over who write to thank me for saving their life—they were ready to check into a mental hospital, to give up a career, to do some kind of self-harm, etc. until reading this book. And personally, I am so grateful to have come to understand something of my own design. Understanding has given me so much more grace for myself and family! It is such a joy to see my girls, and now my grandchildren, move through life easily and confidently—to see them take time for themselves without guilt, to recharge, and then rejoin the fray Understanding our design and living within that design brings joy in life and greatly reduces the pain and confusion!

THE REALITY OF BEING A

HSP

(Highly Sensitive Person)

WITH DARBY SHERMAN

Website: https://www.darbysherman.com/ Instagram: @darby.sherman YouTube: Darby Sherman

About Darby I was born in Corona, California and currently reside on the Big Island of Hawai’i. I work on the island as a Spiritual Counselor for a hospice organization as well as a Holistic Life Coach and yoga instructor. I enjoy traveling and learning about new cultures, dancing, drinking tea, and spending time with the ocean. Whether that is swimming, diving, fishing, outrigger canoe paddling, playing with underwater photography. The ocean feels like home.

My Journey As A Highly Sensitive Person One year, in particular, was pretty rough. 2016 presented to me a variety of significant life changes and challenges. And along the way, I acquired a few new bruises. Emotionally I was filled with anger, grief, even apathy. This feeling trickled later into a well of depression that I covered up by distracting and staying busy. All while having no idea how to fully express and release what was bubbling to the surface. I’d lived much of my life till that point being the person that held things together, that people came to for support. But, I had no idea how to actually allow myself to do that. At this time I also started to notice some health conditions appear to become more chronic and loud. Hormonal issues being the main one.

And then there was sleep. I couldn’t sleep. Ever. Couldn’t fall asleep and couldn’t stay asleep. Since I was a baby, I have had difficulty sleeping and that has always been a significant grievance. I actually remember being five years old and bothered by the bags and dark circles under my eyes. I had always felt like a little bit of a “weaker” child. Smaller, constantly getting sick, and physically not as burly and vital as some of my peers. I had gone to a few doctors on the island without much luck until finally I was introduced to a naturopathic doctor, Dr. Jessica Renfer. If you haven’t been to a naturopathic doctor, let me tell ya, this was the most candid conversation I had had with anyone in a while. It felt good. Strange for a doctor’s visit, but good. She was extremely open, non-judgemental, and got an honest reading of my struggles inside-out. Then finally she told me frankly, “I think you’re a highly sensitive person and you are really burnt out.” Huh? I had no idea what any of this meant. Yet at the same time, there was a part of me that felt like that was something I really needed to hear. That moment felt like the real threshold on this journey.

What Is A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?

A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is simply someone with a more stimulated nervous system. Dr. Elain Aaron, the pioneer of HSP research, created the D.O.E.S. model to break that down.D. Depth of ProcessingO. OverstimulationE. Emotional ReactivityS. Sensing the Subtle( I have a IGTV video that explains these more indepth )We’re 15-20% of the population. Many people believe that HSP’s are introverts, quiet, and gently hidden in the corner. But, HSP’s are actually extroverts as well! There’s no one box that we fall into. This trait is purely biology and touches all cultures, ethnicities, sexual orientations, abilities, genders, etc. HSP’s are even found in the animal world. It’s a survival tactic that has supported evolution.

Imagine it this way. If you can sense the danger before everyone else, you have a better chance of defending yourself. I started learning more about this trait through the internet really. I plowed through a plethora of books, podcasts, documentaries, and good ol’ youtube university. All while being continuously being supported by Dr. Renfer as she guided me to learn how to heal my body and open up to this notion as well as a brand new lifestyle. One that supported me instead of depleted me. In many ways, I was opening up to the world spiritually. Deeply experimenting and questioning myself more than ever, those around me, our planet, and our existence.

Overall, I would say that has been the greatest learning tool. My own experience— the only thing that could really open me up to a new level of self-awareness.

My Thought On Finding Out I Was A HSP I felt really confused during this time. What I was learning was all so unfamiliar.

And I was absolutely electrified. This felt like it was an opportunity at a fresh and open perspective of the world and myself. I was learning for the first time about boundaries, medicinal plants, rituals, about emotions, my body, energy, spirit, and life itself. I was getting glimpses into just how powerful my mind and my body could actually be. It was all very exciting.

Is Sensitivity Subjective?

Sensitivity is a spectrum. For example, I am highly sensitive to light and to sound.

Whereas that might not even bother other sensitives. Our experiences are as unique and individual as our stories and no two people will experience sensitivity exactly the same way.

Mindfulness & Self-Care Mindfulness is being right here, right now. By staying open and curious to our being

and experiences without attaching or drifting into dwelling on the past or fearing the future. It’s being fully immersed in a moment. No matter how uncomfortable or painful that moment is. Radical self-care is intentionality and self-compassion fired up. I often say in my yoga classes, “Ask yourself what you need, and give yourself that.” That’s radical self-care. I know sometimes self-care gets a little confusing. It’s marketed to us as massages, pampering, and indulging. And while sometimes it’s that and that’s awesome, that’s only one piece of the pie. Self-care in its whole is showing respect and nurturing yourself when it’s hard or when you’ve never even really known how to, which is often the case for HSP’s. It’s sometimes saying “no” when you’ve always said “yes”. Sometimes it’s saying “yes” when every bone in your body is screaming “I’m scared. It’s a muscle that we have to build. Asking ourselves what we need, then making the answer a non-negotiable. That’s the advocating. Radical self-care is being your own advocate. And when we mix these two together, mindfulness and radical-self care, I think that’s the magical potion for HSP’s. These two elements along with spirituality have been the rock to anchor me down to the earth when sometimes it feels like I just want to escape to the tops of the clouds. For HSP’s this is how we coexist and use our talents to contribute to a world that feels painful, heavy, and full of suffering. We use these practices and tools to help us stay afloat and fully able to swim into the direction of our deepest alignment and purpose.

The Importance of Action & Rest Action and rest is the edge which us HSP’s have to walk. I sometimes like to call is dancing between effort and ease. Too much action and drive, we burn out and deplete. Too little action, we are understimulated, lethargic, and may feel lost. Too little rest, our adrenals and our minds become a breeding ground for depression and anxiety. Too much rest… actually, I don’t know if that is a thing in our stimulating culture. But of course, too much of anything is never going support balance. As HSP’s we need to constantly be asking ourself that question, “What do I need right now?” and assessing our current state. I’ve found an excellent way to flow with this is by following natures cycles. Cycles of the day and the sun, the year and the seasons, our bodies, and for women, our feminine cycles are excellent ways to stay in tune with our body. I actually schedule my life around when in my cycle I will peak in energy, committing to more efforts and plans, and when in my cycle I benefit from deeper rest and restoration. During menses, I try not to make too many plans and adapt to an even gentler speed. As someone who has struggled with hormonal imbalance, adrenal fatigue, and burnout, learning to align with my cycle has been a real game-changer and something I coach through often with women.

HSP & Relationships This one can be so deeply personal. I would say the greatest thing you can do for yourself is to learn more about this trait and how it influences you.

Developing this new level of self-awareness will allow you to set better boundaries, and discover your own intrinsic strength and uniqueness. This also allows you to show up better for those relationships. When you learn how to hold space for yourself by being mindful and compassionate, you open up the door that allows you to do it for others. Not just romantic but even family, friends, and coworkers. And for those that are in your inner circle, those that you feel most connected to, make sure that they are kind.

Genuinely kind and open people. HSP’s, like anyone, need honest support, encouragement, and empowerment. People that honor your sensitivity just as much as they hype it up and challenge you to grow within in.

Misconceptions Towards HSP There’s a big misconception that being a Highly Sensitive Person you are soft, weak, overly emotional, and fragile. I cannot find that more untrue, but also understand why we have been given that small box. Our world has been in a masculine and action-packed state for centuries. To nobody’s fault. From the HSPs I’ve met, they are resilient, creative, empathic, kind, and some of the most interesting and unique people in the world. They’re extremely bright and emotionally intelligent. Often times activists, scientists, healers, writers, and artists of all sorts. I have no doubt that it is more than possible to live a fulfilling and vibrant life as a highly sensitive person. While some days HSP’s may retreat and curl up in a ball on the couch with the heaviest blanket and watch romantic comedies, they are also pioneers of light and that which cannot be seen at this time, but felt. A revolution of love, if you will.

Advice to Friends of HSP Treat that friend with the same non-judgment that you would hope to have for yourself. If a HSP wants to stay home, cook a healthy dinner, and be in bed by 8:30, believe that that is precisely what they need at the moment. HSP’s often fill the role of advisors, counselors, and space holders. To do this they have to give and show up from the overflow of their cup, which is their responsibility to maintain. But, you as a friend can definitely help. A simple question to consider when you feel you want to confide in an HSP is, “Hey I have something I would like to get off of my heart, do you feel you have space or energy to chat at this time?” By asking this, we are allowing our loved one to honor their boundaries and needs.

If You Practice Self-Care as an HSP, Will You Lose Your Empathy Towards Others?

You won’t. You are biologically born with a heart of gold. By supporting vitality in your body, mind, heart, and spirit, you are doing this world a favor. Because when you feel alive and confident in yourself and your abilities, you can share that gem of yours with the world even more powerfully. Empowered HSP’s are desperately needed to shift the injustices and cracks in our society and culture. I wouldn’t be here today doing the work that I am so honored to be doing if I didn’t know how to take care of myself and believe in myself as a Highly Sensitive Person.

Advice to HSP Who Can Relate To My Story Be gentle with yourself. Be gentle with your one body. Be gentle with the thoughts that rage through your mind. Be gentle with your heart. Let yourself find stillness, take a deep breath, let out all of the tension and stale air you have been holding onto, and feel all of the feelings that you are possibly feeling. I know it’s easier said than done. But I know that you have everything you need within you to find relief and wholeness. Then that subtle feeling that arises, your intuition or maybe even your gut feelings, follow those. They won’t hurt you. They will help you grow.

Closing Words & Gratitude I recently began a job as a Spiritual Counselor for a local organization that provides palliative, hospice, and bereavement care. This job allows me to support individuals and their families through their most sensitive time. I can honestly say that I would not be here if it was not for this journey of learning and owning my sensitivity. I am flushed with gratitude to be doing this line of work and to be using my gift of sensitivity to invite others to explore their deeper selves. I also mentor and create retreats for Highly Sensitive Individuals to overcome toxic stress so that they can live a life of intention, inner peace, and rich joy. I am passionate about spreading kindness and compassion in this world. I know that sounds cliche but it’s exactly what I feel we need at this time. For all of the heaviness and pain that I have felt in my life from the weight of the world, I hope that I can contribute to making it a gentler place for the planet and our descendants to come. And that starts with empowering other sensitive individuals to step up to the plate as well.

We are stronger together than we are apart.

BE GENTLE... with yourself, your one body, the thoughts that rage through your mind, and your heart.

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH THIS." BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF

JANA STUMPH

@LVNDRMOON

BPD FROM MY PERSPECTIVE ABOUT JANA I’M 24 YEARS OLD AND I LIVE IN GERMANY, WORKING AT FASHION RETAIL. I HAVE A DOG AND A CAT AND LOVE THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I PREFER BEING PEACEFULLY ALONE MORE THAN BEING ON PARTIES OR AROUND PEOPLE .

FINDING OUT I HAVE BPD I GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST SINCE I’M 18 YEARS OLD. I GOT ANTIDEPRESSANTS FROM THAT TIME ON, QUIT THEM MYSELF SEVERAL TIMES WHEN I FELT GOOD AGAIN AND HAD TO START TAKING THEM AGAIN SOME MONTHS LATER AS MY MENTAL STATE GOT WORSE WITHOUT MEDICATION. I ALWAYS FELT THAT THE DIAGNOSES I GOT (DEPRESSIVE EPISODE AND SOCIAL ANXIETY) WEREN’T THE SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING I’M STRUGGLING WITH. I NEVER SEEKED OUT TO FIND A THERAPIST. LAST YEAR MY MENTAL STATE GOT SO BAD THAT I COMMITED TO A DAY HOSPITAL. I’VE BEEN THERE FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS AND GOT FINALLY DIAGNOSED WITH BPD THERE. ABOUT BPD BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IS ALSO KNOWN AS EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER. THERE ARE 9 SYMPTOMS AND YOU NEED TO HAVE AT LEAST 5 OF THEM TO BE DIAGNOSED WITH BPD. AND AS THE DISORDERS NAME ALREADY SAYS, MOST OF THESE SYMPTOMS HAVE TO DO WITH EMOTIONS. THEY ARE VERY INTENSE, SO NOT EVEN YOURSELF CAN UNDERSTAND THEM SOMETIMES. ALSO DUE TO THESE STRONG EMOTIONS, PEOPLE WITH BPD ARE MOSTLY UNDER SUCH A HIGH TENSION, WHICH CAN LEAD TO SELF HARM IN MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. EVEN THOUGH I LEARNED THAT EVERY BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER IS SO DIFFERENT FROM PERSON TO PERSON.ACTUALLY I LEARNED MOST ABOUT IT WHEN I GOOGLED IT AND READ MANY DIFFERENT ARTICLES. I FEEL LIKE THIS DISORDER ISN’T KNOW AS GOOD AS OTHERS AND IS ONE OF THE NEWEST RECOGNIZED DISORDERS. MY INITIAL FEELING OF GETTING DIAGNOSED I ACTUALLY FELT VERY RELIEVED AND WAS LIKE „YEAH, THIS ACTUALLY MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW!“. I REALLY NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT I’M FIGHTING ALL THE TIME SO IT HELPED ME A LOT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS. I THINK IT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN A DIAGNOSIS. AND IT’S NOT THAT HELPFUL TO GET A QUICK ONE WHICH FEELS WRONG TO YOU. HOW HAS BPD AFFECTED MY LIFE WELL, THAT’S A REALLY TOUGH ONE. AS I STARTED SUFFERING WHEN I WAS ABOUT 13 YEARS OLD IT ACTUALLY AFFECTED ME MOSTLY NEGATIVELY IN THE FIRST YEARS. I

HARDEST POINT OF MY LIFE, RELATED TO BPD WHEN I WAS ABOUT 15/16 I STARTED TO HARM MYSELF WITH CUTTING MY SKIN. I WAS VERY SUICIDAL TO THAT TIME AND IT GOT EVEN WORSE THE NEXT TWO YEARS. I HAVE SUCH A FAINT MEMORY ABOUT THAT TIME, I JUST REMEMBER FRAGMENTS. THANK ME, I MADE A JOKE TO ONE OF MY CLASSMATES, WHO’S DAD IS A PSYCHIATRIST, ASKING FOR AN APPOINTMENT. HE CAME BACK TO ME LATER AND GAVE ME THE PHONE NUMBER AND PROMISED HE’LL TALK TO HIS DAD SO I CAN GET THE HELP I NEED. THAT WAS A TURNING POINT. AND I CAN’T SAY BEING 100% SURE IF I’D STILL BE ALIVE IF I HADN’T GOT THIS OPPORTUNITY TO GET HELP. AND THIS STILL HAUNTS ME. BPD & RELATIONSHIPS I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW AND I’M SO THANKFUL FOR THIS GUY, HE IS JUST THE BEST PARTNER I COULD EVER WISH FOR.BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS VERY TOUGH THOUGH - I HADN’T HAVE MANY OF THEM AND MOST OF THEM WERE ONLY SHORT-TERM AS THEY BROKE UP SOON. I WAS JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.I WOULD GIVE THE ADVICE TO DON’T RUSH ANYTHING. TRY CALMING DOWN WHEN YOU’RE GETTING ANXIOUS WHEN YOU’RE GETTING NO REPLY FOR INSTANCE. THAT WAS ONE THING I WAS STRUGGLING WITH A LOT! YOU NEED TO OBSERVE YOUR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS AND TRY TO FIND OUT WHICH IS „ABNORMAL“ AND TRY TO DEPROGRAM YOUR BEHAVIOR - YOUR FUTURE SELF WILL BE SO THANKFUL! YOU NEED TO FIND SOME PEACE WITH YOURSELF FIRST BEFORE YOU ARE ABLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY AND STABLE RELATIONSHIP. ALSO IT’S SO IMPORTANT TO FIND A PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING PARTNER. ESPECIALLY PATIENCE IS SO IMPORTANT. AND IF YOU FEEL LOST AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, HOW TO HANDLE YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR WHATEVER: REACH OUT FOR HELP! FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY OR PROFESSIONALS. YOU’RE JUST HUMAN, YOU DON’T NEED TO FEEL WEAK FOR NEEDING HELP. MEDIA & BPD I FEEL LIKE MOST PEOPLE WITH BPD ARE SHOWN AS MANIPULATIVE AND MEAN PEOPLE, WHO KINDA LIKE TO HARM OTHERS. BUT THAT’S NOT THE TRUTH, NOT AT ALL. WE’RE VERY SENSITIVE AND YEAH, MAYBE ALSO A BIT MANIPULATIVE - BUT NOT IN THE WAY THE MEDIA IS SHOWING. WE’RE TRYING TO SAVE OURSELVES. AND FEAR OF ABANDONMENT IS ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS OF BORDERLINE AND SOMETIMES BORDERLINER'S TRY NOT TO BE ABANDONED BY THREATENING SUICIDE OR SOMETHING ELSE. I REALLY NEED TO SAY I

KNOWING YOUR TRIGGERS I KNOW SOME OF MY TRIGGERS. I STARTED SOME RESEARCH ON THE TOPIC „TRIGGERS“ SOME MONTHS AGO AND FOUND THE ADVICE TO MAKE A TABLE WHERE YOU WRITE DOWN YOUR TRIGGERS, WHAT REACTION OCCURRED AND HOW YOU SHOULD RATHER REACT IN A HEALTHY WAY. SO I FOUND SOME, TRIED TO WORK ON THEM OR TO PREVENT THESE TRIGGERS SO I WON’T HARM MYSELF AND OTHERS. I THINK IT’S ALSO IMPORTANT TO GET SUPPORT FROM YOUR CLOSEST PEOPLE AS IT’S A PROGRESS. AND SOME TRIGGERS ARE ACTUALLY SUCH DUMB THINGS, THAT’S HILARIOUS - BUT TRUTH IS: THEY TRIGGER YOU AND YOUR EMOTIONAL RESPONSE IS VALID.I TRY TO TAKE A STEP BACK IN MIND WHEN I FEEL TRIGGERED. EVENTUALLY I ALSO LEAVE THE SITUATION FOR 5-10 MINUTES TO CALM DOWN SO I WON’T REACT OUT OF EMOTION BUT OUT OF RATIONAL THINKING. AND IT BECOMES EASIER WITH TIME. AM I AWARE OF MY BEHAVIOR? „NEVER HAVE I DEALT WITH ANYTHING MORE DIFFICULT THAN MY OWN SOUL“ IMAM AL-GHAZALI.THIS QUOTE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD SINCE I FOUND IT AND IT’S DESCRIBING THE STRUGGLE SO ACCURATE. SOMETIMES I’M AWARE OF MY BEHAVIOR, BUT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING AGAINST IT. IT’S INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO CONTROL YOUR MIND SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR TENSION AND EMOTIONS ARE VERY INTENSE. IN MY CASE II’M MOSTLY GETTING SUCH OUTBURSTS OF ANGER THEN, BECAUSE OF WHAT’S HAPPENING IN MY HEAD AND AROUND ME AND BECAUSE I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF ANYMORE. I’M SO MAD THAT I CAN’T STOP BEING MAD AND I FULLY AWARE OF THAT. AND I’M SO SORRY. IN MOST CASES I’LL EVENTUALLY BE CRYING AFTERWARDS BECAUSE I’M SO SORRY FOR MY BEHAVIOR, SO SORRY THAT I MAYBE HARMED MYSELF OR OTHERS, SO SORRY THAT I COULDN’T STOP MYSELF. SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.AND IN SOME CASES, WHEN EVERYTHING GET’S JUST TO MUCH, I DIRECTLY START TO DISSOCIATE AND YEAH - THE DAMAGE WON’T BE THAT BAD THEN BUT I’M ALSO NOT REALLY AWARE OF ANYTHING, I’M JUST GONE. SUPPORTING A FRIEND THAT HAS BPD BE UNDERSTANDING, BE PATIENT, BE KIND, BE HONEST. TRY NOT TO PRESSURE THEM. DUE TO OUR FEAR OF ABANDONMENT WE NEED A LOT OF REASSURANCE AS WE’RE SOMETIMES 100% UNSURE IF YOU’RE STILL LOVING IS AND IF EVERYTHING IS STILL ALRIGHT. PLEASE GIVE US THIS MUCH NEEDED REASSURANCE. I KNOW WE’RE DIFFICULT TO HANDLE SOMETIMES, BUT IMAGINE HOW DIFFICULT IT IS FOR OURSELF TO LIVE WITH THAT. AND PLEASE, DON’T TELL US PHRASES LIKE „THERE ARE

ADVICE TO THOSE DIAGNOSED WITH BPD YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH THIS. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE FIGHTING THE SAME STRUGGLE AS YOU DO. ALSO PLEASE DON’T TELL YOURSELF IT’S YOUR FAULT. SOME THINGS JUST HAPPEN OUTTA YOUR CONTROL. ALSO I SWEAR, AFTER RAIN WILL ALWAYS BE SUN. AND THE SUN WILL SHINE BRIGHTER THAN IT DID BEFORE. RAIN IS SO NECESSARY TO GROW! I’VE LEARNED IT’S IMPORTANT TO ACCEPT YOUR EMOTIONS, BE MINDFUL AND USE SKILLS. FIND YOUR OWN SKILLS. MAYBE IT’S TAKING A WALK, PETTING YOUR DOG OR CAT, READING, TAKING A COLD SHOWER. WHATEVER IT IS, TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT HELPS YOU TO OVERCOME BAD MOMENTS. AND DON’T FEEL LIKE YOU FAILED WHEN SOMETHING ISN’T WORKING FOR YOU, JUST KEEP ON SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING ELSE. AND REACH OUT FOR HELP WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT’S JUST TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO CARRY NOW. DON’T BE AFRAID OF THAT. IT’S ALRIGHT. JUST DO WHAT HELPS YOU BEST. AND LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF, ALSO WITH YOUR FLAWS. YOU GOT THIS AND PLEASE, NEVER GIVE UP! GRATITUDE FOR MY LIFE I KINDA ACHIEVED THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT WERE POSSIBLE. I LIVE IN MY OWN FLAT, AM WORKING IN A JOB I LOVE, I HAVE MY OWN CAT AND DOG AND THEY’RE MY LIFE. ALSO I HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP, MAYBE AND HOPEFULLY MY LAST ONE. I’M IN A PRETTY GOOD MENTAL STATE, I CAN REFLECT MYSELF VERY WELL, KNOW WHAT’S BAD FOR ME AND WHAT TO AVOID TO REACH A BAD MENTAL STATE AGAIN. FOR EXAMPLE I FOUND OUT WORKING 40HS A WEEK IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME AND MY MIND.ALSO I’M STILL ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS AND I THINK I WILL BE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. ALSO I’M ON A LOW DOSAGE OF ANTIPSYCHOTICS AGAINST MY HIGH TENSION AND ALSO ON A LOW DOSAGE OF ANTIEPILEPTICS AGAINST MY TOO INTENSE EMOTIONS. BEING ON GOOD MEDICATION HELPS ME SO INCREDIBLY MUCH TO WORK ON MYSELF AND TO IMPROVE MY MENTAL HEALTH EVERYDAY. I REALLY NEED TO SAY READING POETRY AND QUOTES HELPED ME SO MUCH. THEY ARE THOUGHTS WHICH ARE BROUGHT INTO MY HEAD, THOUGHTS I WOULDN’T HAVE THOUGHT MYSELF. BUT THEY HELP ME TO CHANGE MY THINKING FOR THE BETTER. I’M ALSO WRITING POETRY MYSELF AND IT’S SO RELIEVING. AND SPIRITUALITY HELPS ME A LOT. TO KNOW EVERYTHING HAS A REASON IS SO CALMING.ALSO I’M A MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCATE ON INSTAGRAM, SPREADING AWARENESS ON MENTAL ILLNESSES, TRYING TO BREAK THE STIGMA. I FEEL LIKE THAT’S MY PURPOSE IN LIFE: HELPING OTHERS WITH EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH. I’M SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE MESSAGES I GET THERE, THAT I’M HELPING PEOPLE WITH WHAT I DO AND THAT I’M GETTING MORE AND MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO SPREAD THE WORD.

y e l k a O @she_sees_sunshine www.sheseessunshine.com

"Being diagnosed with BPD didn’t make me different from who I was before."

About Oakley

I’m from Utah! BPD has affected my ability to create a career for myself. I struggle with staying in one place for long due to my anxiety. Right now I’m enrolled in cosmetology school and am working with my therapist to make sure I stay enrolled. I love to create! My favorite hobbies include sewing, crocheting, drawing, and painting. Any of those activities are my version of meditation. It’s really soothing for me to sit down and watch something progress.

MY JOURNEY WITH BPD It wasn’t until a few months ago I learned what BPD actually was and that it was playing a massive role in my life. I could always feel something in me was wired differently but I couldn’t put it into words. Getting that diagnosis earlier this year, at first, was really scary for me. I didn’t know a lot about the disorder but I knew it had a really bad stigma surrounding it. Those first few days were really isolating. I felt like a bad person and that I was completely alone with this disorder. It isn’t talked about. The only people I know that have the disorder are individuals that promote awareness online. I’m sure I have acquaintances in my life that share this disorder with me, but coming out and saying “I have Borderline Personality Disorder” is a really scary thing to do. No one wants to be discriminated against. It's easier to keep that part of you hidden.

Those first few days with the disorder are what fueled me with the need to spread awareness. I saw a window to help others struggling and gave myself the acceptance I hoped to receive from my friends and family. I didn’t ask for this. It was completely out of my control. Being diagnosed with BPD didn’t make me different from who I was before. It only gave a name for all the struggles I already knew I had. My diagnosis became a great tool for me to work towards recovery and it’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I memorized all the symptoms of BPD and learned to recognize

when I’m “borderlining“ again. Once I see that happening, although it’s not easy, I can try to talk myself down. Progress is definitely not linear and I still have really bad days. But those days are slowly becoming fewer and farther apart. I’m gaining control of my life for the first time and it feels really good.

BPD & HOW I LEARNED MORE ABOUT IT I’m not a licensed expert so I feel most comfortable quoting someone who is. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.”

My therapist taught me that there are 9 symptoms of BPD to watch for. It’s important to remember that you don’t need all 9 symptoms to be diagnosed, so don’t assume someone with Borderline Personality Disorder has a particular trait. Every person has their own combination of these symptoms: 1) Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment 2)Unstable and Intense interpersonal relationships- Idealization and Devaluation 3)Unstable self image or sense of self 4)Impulsivity in two or more potentially self damaging behaviors: spending, binge eating, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, etc.

5)Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self mutilating behavior 6)Instability due to reactivity of mood lasting hours to more than a few days. Ex: dysphoria, irritability, anxiety 7)Chronic feelings of emptiness 8)Inappropriate, intense anger, or difficult controlling anger 9)Stress related paranoid ideation or sever dissociative symptoms I learned a lot about BPD through reading. I bought around 12 books on the disorder. I also have an incredible therapist that teaches me a lot. There’s a great online community of people with BPD too. I’ve been using as many resources as I can.

I feel like the more you know, the better chance you have of overcoming it.The most important thing I learned about BPD is that it's treatable. It doesn’t have to be a lifelong sentence. There’s a lot of hope.

HOW BPD HAS AFFECTED MY LIFE BPD has had a lot of negative effects on my life. It’s not an easy disorder to navigate.

Especially when you don’t know you have it. It’s like, "what the heck is happening to me?!" School was really difficult growing up. I forgot how hard it was until I started school again this year. It’s a major internal battle to go and stay in class each day. I’m really struggling to get through it. Not because I don’t understand the material, but because of my severe anxiety. I have this irrational and intense need to "get out” or “escape” starting the second I walk in the doors. I've called my husband in tears so many times from my car telling him I don’t think I can get through the day. Working a job has the same effect. Anxiety is only one of the symptoms I struggle with, but it definitely affects me more severely than anything else.

It would be easy to go on all day about how BPD affects me negatively but I like to focus on the positive as much as I can. I believe that you’ll find whatever you look for in life so I try to see the silver linings and focus on the good. Everyone has their own worst traits but my particular set have been studied for a long time and researchers found proven treatments to help me recover from them. How many people can say that? When I reach that point, and I’m determined to, I will come out of this disorder a much wiser, and more compassionate person. I couldn’t be as strong and thoughtful as I’ve become without BPD. BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH BPD I am married to the most patient, loving and forgiving man. He’s incredible. Having Brae in my life is the greatest blessing. My best advice to anyone with BPD looking for a relationship is to remember that happiness comes from within. No one can make you happy but you. I also think it’s helpful to seek out a partner who is really level-headed and patient. They’ll help balance you out and there’s so much you can learn from them.

MISCONCEPTIONS TOWARDS BPD I don’t think awareness is talked about enough. It’s easy to make false assumptions and discriminate when the average person knows so little about BPD. I think a lot of people with BPD are immediately written off as “bad” or “crazy” the second someone finds out they have the disorder. It’s easier for those who don’t understand to only see the label and not the human being with feelings fighting to recover from an invisible illness.

TRIGGERS I have several triggers. A lot stem from insecurity and anxiety. The best thing I can do as a preventative action is to be loving, kind, and compassionate for myself. It’s actually become my mantra. Repeating that concept in my head daily has been life changing. I’m changing from being my biggest bully and becoming my best friend instead.

AM I AWARE OF MY BEHAVIOR/EMOTIONS? I wasn’t aware before my diagnosis, but I can recognize now when my emotions are too intense. That’s when the hard work comes in because you have to tell yourself to stop feeling a certain way, and that’s not easy.

ADVICE TO THOSE WHO KNOW SOMEONE WITH BPD Learn to recognize the 9 characteristics of BPD so you can separate your friend from the disorder. And remember recovery is the end goal. Nothing heals faster than love and compassion.

ADVICE TO THOSE WHO HAVE BPD Remember to be loving, kind, and compassionate to yourself. It’s okay to have bad days.

Pick yourself up and don’t give up on recovery.

GRATITUDE I am grateful for where I am now. I am obsessed with rewiring my brain to be more positive and recovering from BPD. I go to therapy once a week. My husband and I are celebrating our second anniversary on the 17th of August and are closer and more in love than ever. We go to the gym almost every day and have learned to make all areas of health a priority in our lives.

JESSIE THE

J E S S I E

THERAPIST

S H E P A R D , M A ,

L C M H C

@JESSIETHERAPY

About Jessie Jessie Shepherd, MA, LCMHC is a Mental Health Counselor and owner of Blue Clover Therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah. Jessie lives in beautiful Eagle Mountain, Utah with her husband and three children. When she is not providing therapy or spreading mental health awareness, she is boating, skiing, and hiking with her family.

www.jessiethetherapist.com www.blueclovertherapy.com www.themorningstruggle.podbean.com

DISTRIBUTING POSTIVE INFORMATION ON BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

BY JESSIE SHEPARD

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Typically Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by emotional instability including irritability, anxiety/panic attacks, intense anger episodes, and/or feelings of emptiness. These are usually accompanied by self destructive or self harming behaviors including possible substance abuse, harming self by cutting/hitting/burning, excessive spending, unsafe sexual contact, or other actions that are destructive to self and wellbeing. Fears of being alone, abandoned, or general concerns that others do not like them can be present. Relationships can be chaotic in that polarized actions can occur in which there is idealization with a swift shift to undervaluing or even disgust.

With proper mental health care and maintenance, people living with Borderline Personality Disorder are amazingly self aware and driven. Empathy and passion come easily to them as they have gone down their own mental health journey. Their understanding of the depths and differences of emotion are helpful in creative and artistic pursuits. They are able to observe others in such a way that they see how and what people are experiencing. This makes them excellent caregivers and community helpers.

About My Book, "Millie The Cat Has Borderline Personality Disorder" The creation of Millie the Cat has Borderline Personality Disorder came out of observation that there is little positive information or hope published for people living with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was running a teen group for those diagnosed with BPD and I found that they would come in with horrible ideas about themselves after they researched their diagnosis. This was heartbreaking to watch. After witnessing this pattern enough times I developed a group outline discussing all the positive elements of having BPD. It discussed how this diagnosis made them an even more amazing and strong individual.

As a therapist I strongly believe that hope and having someone believe in you can move mountains. Every single one of us has a mental health issue to deal with, but no matter how bleak it may seem, there should always be the belief that you can keep moving forward, keep learning, and be stronger every day for it.

Millie the Cat has Borderline Personality Disorder was created in a ‘children’s book’ format in order to optimize understanding for all developmental levels. When a person is in distress or emotionally charged the thought process can become foggy. Discussing a BPD diagnosis can be very distressing and information can be confusing. Using this format, people can better understand both the negative and positives of the diagnosis. It is a good starting point to educating yourself, friends, family, community members, etc about what BPD is really about. We choose Millie to develop empathy for the disorder as a living being who still has emotions, thoughts, insecurities, coping skills, friendships and so on- not just a diagnosis.

Mental Health As A Whole Mental health has certainly been moving in leaps and bounds to create a space for healthy discussion. However, mental health is not just disorders and diagnoses. Each and every one of us needs to assess and reassess our mental state throughout our lifetime.

Therapy and mental health care should be a regular conversation we have with others around us. The hope is that at some point mental health care will be as common as attending a dentist appointment or seeing your medical doctor. There is no shame in taking care of yourself and your mental well being.

Why I Became A Therapist?

My journey with mental health and becoming a therapist started on an ambulance in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. I was an EMT and was fascinated by the mental health calls we had with patients but also the mental health of my fellow first responders. I felt compelled to get my education in mental health counseling so I could help people develop skills to better manage life.

This journey of spreading mental health awareness led to becoming a therapist and assisting others in understanding not only themselves individually, but how they fit within the community as a whole. I believe that full understanding of mental health disorders creates hope and positivity that everyone in our communities can embrace. With positive change comes less alienation and more support for people who are learning to manage the mental health disorder they are living with.

Therapy is only one aspect of a very complex world that people live in. The more educated a community is, the more we can help others live the best life they can. The more content you are, the more content your family is, the more content your community is, and so on. Everyone benefits from this positive education cycle.

AVPD

@ I N N E R I S L A N D S HTTP://WWW.LULU.COM/SPOTLIGHT/INNERISLANDS

A TRUE PERSPECTIVE OF AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER

About Us We have lived in Utah the majority of our life. While living here we have earned several degrees, held various jobs consistently, and explored some of our longtime passions and aspirations. This upcoming fall we will be entering into our first year as a Master’s graduate student.

Some of our long-time passions include painting, singing, dancing, and writing – mostly science fiction/fantasy and poetry. We have self-published one poetry book, dauder modir, and the first novel, Incuna, in a science fiction series. We love being students, and think of ourselves as lifetime students – in a sense that we hope to always be learning new things. We love being outdoors and in nature.

We love traveling – though it comes at a high cost, physically and psychologically.

Currently our system is 13+; meaning that there are at least 13 of us known to each other with our own ways of relating and interacting, each with a distinct sense of self. We honestly believe there are more of us than that (both fragments and full parts). This is because there are what we call ‘floating characteristics’ that none of us feel attached to; in addition, there are years-long gaps in our collective existence that none of us have memory for.

We want to add one final thing; our preferred way of referring to ourselves is ‘parts’ rather than ‘alters’. We primarily use ‘parts’ rather than ‘alters’ in order to remain safe. We can use ‘parts’ in regular everyday conversation with those that don’t experience a mental health disorder, and we remain hidden and safe that way. While we are ‘out’ and ‘public’ per se, about our various disorders, we certainly aren’t ready to be out and public in-person with those with which we have no rapport.

AVPD Our Journey For as long as we can collectively recall, we have been living with multitudes of symptoms of varying severity. For a long time this was all we knew about ourselves; altered senses of self, inconsistent abilities to trust and connect to others, emotional turbulence, PTSD and dissociative symptoms, and unrelenting depression.

The first time we sought therapy – both individual and group – was at university while we pursued our first Bachelor’s degree. Purportedly we attended therapy for a year and a half, of this we have little to no memory.

We began seeking psychodynamic therapy again in April 2018 after a major mental breakdown that dissolved many of the dissociative barriers that stood between each of us. Traumatic intrusions and deep-seated psychological pain flooded our awareness for months. When we first began to explore the possibility of having a mental health disorder, during the summer of 2018, we first thought we had Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, and every Cluster C Personality Disorder. We were certain we had all of these personality disorders, because we had no other way to describe the internal spectrum of subjectivities we experienced; until we stumbled into reading more about Dissociative Identity Disorder.

By this point, you may be wondering, ‘why are they using such complex terminology?’ We intellectualize, to the point of self-exhaustion. It is a major avoidant-style defense mechanism we use – it allows us to evade flooding emotions and traumatic intrusions. Thus is the life. We chuckle at our own selfdistancing as we reread this over and over to proof it.

We are still in therapy, and likely will remain for the foreseeable future – certainly the entirety of our time at graduate school. Some of our diagnoses include Major Depressive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder (with Dependent Personality traits and Borderline Personality features), and Panic Disorder. It is also worth mentioning that we will be receiving ADA Equal Opportunity accommodations at graduate school – something we wish we’d sought for ourselves upon starting at university the first time around.

What is Avoidant Personality Disorder?

Avoidant Personality Disorder [AvPD] is an extremely complex and immensely lonesome disorder – both subjectively and objectively speaking. Along the spectrum of social/interpersonal phobia, discomfort, and fear of rejection, Avoidant Personality Disorder is the most severe. AvPD doesn’t have a definitively agreed-upon cause, but anxious-avoidant attachments and/or parental and peer rejection is the primary hypothesized cause. We indirectly found out about AvPD when researching Dissociative Identity Disorder [DID]; finding that of all of the personality disorders, it has the highest rate of comorbidity with DID. We didn’t know for sure that we had AvPD until we were diagnosed with it, but it didn’t honestly come as a surprise. We avoid emotions. We avoid relationships and close personal interaction. We avoid obligations that put us in direct contact with people. We avoid doing grocery shopping during peak business hours and purposefully find out when places are their slowest so that we can plan to go during those times, etc. While the aforementioned are things that people without AvPD might do, we find that the reasoning behind them is completely different.

For others, it might be so that they get through a checkout line quicker, or miss peak traffic hours. For us, we do it entirely to avoid as many people and potential social interactions as possible (it also helps that our car is one of our safe spaces).

We found out the most about AvPD by reading primary and scientific literature – of which there is unfortunately a dearth. We also learned about it by recognizing and attempting to understand our own behaviors, thoughts, and tendencies.

How Has AVPD Affected Your System?

Negatively - We don’t go out much, we don’t socialize much; on one hand we can count the number of long-term relationships we’ve been able to maintain (we’re counting our therapist too, that’s fair, right?). We are rarely able to rationalize ourselves out of what we call ‘AvPD Brain’ – which is when we’re affected by the worst AvPD symptoms we experience. When we’re in social situations, and are experiencing AvPD Brain, we’re utterly convinced to our core that everyone knows what phony and wretched social-imposters we are.

AvPD Brain tells us that we will never fit in; we will never have real relationships and connections; that no one truly thinks that we’re worth the energy it takes to be in our lives. AvPD Brain tells us, that everyone knows all of this; that everyone is aware of just how inept, awkward, and interpersonally hypersensitive we are.

Positively - This is a perspective we’re still working on, to determine how in some strange way, AvPD has had positive effects on us. We suffer severe identity disturbance from both Dissociative Identity Disorder and Avoidant Personality Disorder. So when we stay at home alone with limited outside interaction all day, we’ve actually allowed ourselves space, time, and energy to explore our identities. We’ve started to feel less guilty and ashamed of all the external relationships we’re not having and pursuing, because we’re working on our internal relationships. We’re working on the relationships with both ourselves and with each other. We’re getting to know each other, taking time to explore our interests and passions, and understanding that this is all a part of our long-term healing.

Daily Life with AVPD We do everything we can to be prepared and ready. We also ensure that we don’t over-obligate ourselves, or stretch ourselves too thin between too many different things. We currently only work once a week (this is as much as we are comfortable doing) at a local place, and won’t be working there once we start school this fall. We will however be starting a graduate teacher’s assistantship position on campus, while holding a full-time graduate course load. This is honestly a lot for us; in so many ways. We are excited and proud, but also terrified and apprehensive of these new responsibilities; so many new things at once. These are some of the things we have done to be ready, prepared, and to relieve any fearful or avoidant tendencies: 1. Visit campus regularly while no one else is there (typically on Sundays) to get familiar with building’s and general campus layouts, with where our classes are, with where transportation-related resources are, etc. We have each made significant effort to have essentially memorized our daily route.

2. Utilizing the resources that are available to us as students. This includes setting up ADA Equal Opportunity accommodations, and being in regular contact with our graduate advisor about anything and everything we feel comfortable disclosing.

3. Accepting, understanding, and being realistic with our own limitations. We idealize ourselves a little, and hold ourselves to incredibly high standards (some of us), some of which are impossible to attain. When we don’t reach or even come near to those standards, we can be incredibly self-destructive and self-punishing. More and more as a part of our healing, we’re coming to terms with our limitations; after all, we’re only human.

AVPD & Relationships We are in a committed and monogamous relationship. We have been with our spouse since August of 2009, and were married in January of 2015. Our best advice is this: be real. Be your realest truest self. You deserve better than to be isolated from, and avoidant of relationships. If you We are in a committed and monogamous relationship. We have been with our spouse since August of 2009, and were married in January of 2015. Our best advice is this: be real. Be your realest truest self. You deserve better than to be isolated from, and avoidant of relationships. If you are rejected, then that is on the person(s) who rejected you. Those are their issues, their shame, and their fear. And we know that the rejection would still be so painful, those emotions are entirely valid; but you deserve to feel safe, accepted, and loved for being exactly who you are.

It’s hard to put yourself out there, AvPD or not; AvPD amplifies every horrible emotion and thought associated with social and interpersonal rejection. Know that even small acts of putting yourself out there, like going to get coffee and briefly interacting with the barista, deserve recognition. Find things that you’re passionate about or interested in, no matter to what degree, and at your own pace, allow yourself to get to know others that share those commonalities with you.

Our relationship with our spouse hasn’t always been as easy as it is now – in fact the ease of it is relatively recent for our inner islands system. It helps that our spouse places no expectations on us, and wants nothing more than to enjoy our company, and give us time and space to heal. Ultimately, we maintain our relationship with our spouse by being open and honest about what we’re experiencing internally. It may be cliché to say it, but being cliché by no means invalidates it: honest and empathetic communication really is the foundation to any healthy relationship.

Misconceptions Towards AVPD We would imagine that most people think that Avoidant Personality Disorder is synonymous with Social Anxiety Disorder [SAD], when in fact the two are distinct disorders.

AvPD does have a lot in common with SAD, but AvPD is different from SAD in that it involves early parental and peer experiences, insecure attachments, temperament, and cognitive processing (Lamp and Malhi, 2018). AvPD is not rare or uncommon; rather it is under-recognized and under-researched, or misperceived as SAD. Something else rarely talked about, is that those of us with AvPD are extremely sensitive to social stimuli, and often have difficulty interpreting other’s reactions and emotions.

For us personally, unless someone else’s reaction is extreme and very obvious, we don’t know how to interpret it. A neutral reaction is just about the most confusing expression someone else can display, especially if directed at us; this causes such internal strife and we automatically assume we’re disappointing, upsetting, or disgusting the other person.

Advice To You If You Have AVPD Some days, it can feel impossible to combat the thoughts, emotions, and fears that AvPD tries to convince us is our reality. We try to recognize that our brain formed these patterns and pathways in response to our early environment. But those responses by no means get to define us or decide how we live our lives.

You are the primary character and protagonist in your own life, only you get to determine how that story progresses; no one else has that right but you.

As people who experience Avoidant Personality Disorder, we can learn coping and social skills. We can also learn to form healthy and meaningful relationships that are respectful of boundaries, form genuine connections with ourselves and others, and know what it is to experience self-love.

Closing Words Currently we are enjoying a relatively relaxed summer and attending weekly therapy sessions. Beginning in the fall we will be studying towards a Master’s degree in Urban Planning, with an Ecological Planning emphasis. We have two self-published books, dauder modir and Incuna, and are currently in the process of self-publishing the second novel in the science fiction series. We’ve also been doing a lot of a painting this summer, both original trauma-inspired pieces and adult Paint-by-Numbers.

To TOI Magazine: Thank you for allowing us to do this article. Thank you for allowing us to help you illuminate just a little bit more of an often darkened world.

To Our Fellow Compeers: Don’t be afraid to find your light.

These questions were answered by Hecho (the intellectual), Ellefín (the misanthrope), and Ellen (the wanderer), with additional input from Enno (the melancholic).

Refrences: Lampe, L., & Malhi, G. S. (2018). Avoidant personality disorder: current insights.

Psychology research and behavior management, 11, 55–66. doi:10.2147/PRBM.S121073 Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5848673/ (Accessed on July 18, 2019).

"YOU ARE THE PRIMARY CHARACTER AND PROTAGONIST IN YOUR OWN LIFE, ONLY YOU GET TO DETERMINE HOW THAT STORY PROGRESSES; NO ONE ELSE HAS THAT RIGHT BUT YOU."

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

onal Abuse Financial Abuse

Emotional Abuse Gaslighting

Trauma B Manipulation

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

Narcis Person Diso

rauma Bond

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Manipulation Trauma Bond

Emotional Abuse Gaslighting Financial Abuse

THE HOPEFUL SISTERHOOD SYSTEM (A DID SYSTEM) THE UNTOLD BATTLES OF

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

L I V I NN GA R CTI SHS TRI OC UA BGU SHE

BY THE HOPEFUL SISTERHOOD SYSTEM (A DID SYSTEM) @ALLTOGETHERDID

About Us We are the Hopeful Sisterhood System!We are a DID Traumatic System of 45+ alter/parts and a big family at that! (DID: Dissociative Identity Disorder) We are from the USA East Coast and we currently work as an Administrative Assistant at the College we graduated from and love it so much, even though it isn't in the degree we graduated from! We enjoy watching YouTube Videos, scrolling through Tumblr and Instagram, and if we aren't dissociating too badly, we love reading!

Our Experience We didn't actually know we were experiencing narcissistic abuse for the longest time, but actually found out about it at around age 18 for sure, (we are 22 now). But that will be explained later.

Growing up I thought we were just living in a strict household, and that we were constantly the issue, selfish, dumb, never using our head or speaking too much and it constantly got us (me the host, this is before I knew I had DID and we were a system) into trouble. But it wasn't that I was the problem, it was that my caregiver was a narcissist and used that to their advantage through abuse and scare tactics.

I was never ever able to do anything right and was yelled at (plus other triggering things we won't discuss) every day, and was lucky if I went by one day without being yelled at more than two times at least a day, constantly living in fear of what was the next thing I was going to do wrong. I was also touch starved as a punishment and found myself just wanting hugs or being able to talk without someone getting angry or shoving me away due to something that I did... it was a painful rollercoaster, but I felt as though I deserved every moment of it. I felt like I was the problem, that I had to be dealt and put up with. Which we still struggle with to this very day.

Sometimes would not be so bad... some things I did well and I cherished those moments like precious gems that made me smile and keep me stronger, but other days it was like living in a basement where there was only one light, and it just kept flickering, barely lighting up the way, and the darkness was suffocating. What was even worse was that I thought this was normal, and the only way to fix it was to fix myself. Which took me some really deep times of wanting to end my own life because I was per say, at the "end of my rope", and was struggling to know what to do to "make myself better" for this person that I thought I needed to earn love and affection from, when it actually should have never had to been earned, but freely given, and when finally "earned" made to feel guilty for having it because I still wasn't worthy.

Constant Verbal Abuse was the biggest one that was used. Belittling, accusing, blaming, shaming, threatening, ordering, and demanding things of myself for themselves and whenever we questioned something, the physical abuse would become worse, or the name-calling came out. Emotional blackmail was used as well, threatening if something was not done exactly right, there would be severe consequences and repercussions of them. Gaslighting, intentionally making me distrust my perceptions of the world and reality, when learning things, being told they were wrong and only that my abuser was right, never being able to think for myself, or if I did, again, consequences and repercussions, being called Naive on a daily bases 3-4 times a day always. Withholding things from me, such as money, up until my 20's, I was not allowed to even touch my debit card, and like I said before, touch and affection.

The list could really go on and on, from all of those things listed to invasion of privacy (no shut doors, including bathrooms, and phone being yanked away at random times and searched through) to isolation and violence. We experienced all of these things, and thought they were normal and our fault, which that was certainly not the case.

How We Really Knew This Was Abuse I've already stated slightly some of the tactics that the narcissist used were, however, I thought they were normal... deserved.

However, in the back of my mind, I had little access to TV, but what I did see, I was confused. Why weren't other kids caregivers doing this? Was I really that bad? But they did that- if I did that I'd be in big trouble. That was where questions started to come.

I saw something wasn't right but didn't know what to call it, until at around 18, I found a video by Psych2Go about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Abuse. I was left crying after watching that video because I was so confused.

It was based off on partners, but what they described was exactly was what my caregiver had done to me. I was so confused and tore apart- everything I had gone through was what they called abuse- and all of this time I thought it was deserved and my fault.

The Effects of Narcissistic Abuse In Our Life There have been a lot of negative effects of the abuse on my life... from panic attacks daily because I'm terrified I've made someone even remotely displeased--to OCD and obsessively thinking over things and what every outcome could possibly be- and constantly feeling trapped in a terrifying cycle of headaches, chest pains, dissociation, and just the need to know everything will be okay and that I am not in trouble - this kind of abuse tore me apart from the inside and out.

This has also effective our lives with our partners. They have to constantly remind us that we don't need to earn their love or do things that hurt us (physically or emotionally) to make them happy. Open conversation is always a constant work in progress.

However- something good and positive did come from it. I am more empathetic. I see people and I can think before acting "this person may just be having a bad day" or "Maybe they are trying the best they know how and just need a smile to show them it's okay". That would have made a world of difference for me living in the abuse I was going through, and we don't know what other people are going through and being mindful and aware of that.

The Hidden Facts Abosut Narcissistic Abuse It isn't physical always.

I grew up in a religious household and went to church 3 to 4 times a week.

That was supposed to be a safe place but I knew as once as the doors of the car shut, it was time for it to begin. But that wasn't always the case. It would happen in the church, around others too, and they did nothing. They saw it... but they did nothing but whispers. And can I tell you- that made it 10 times worse?

Sometimes we honestly wished there would have been something physical for them to see- proof if you would. But it is so hard to gather proof from emotional and verbal abuse that narcissists use. They saw the glares, the harsh whispers, the harsh grabbing, and the fear. But they didn't do anything because there wasn't the physical part (that they can see). Emotional wounds are just as real as physical ones. Not only that, but they can be worse because they cause physical problems later (heart problems, breathing, panic attacks, etc).

There isn't enough support and stepping in for people who experience it!

Advice to You If You Can Relate You aren't alone, and you are loved. No matter what they say- you are believed and right. You are a human and not an animal to be trained and do not and should never have to earn another person love and affections. I know it is super hard and you become dependent on that person because you think they are the only ones that care or that can give you that love you so desperately want. But that isn't true- that's what they have made you believe. You are

worth all the love, cuddles, hugs, and smiles in the world! Just start believing that and stop believing their lies and tricks!

Closing Words & Our Life Now It is a slow process healing from this abuse and it still haunts us every day, but some days are better than others. Our passion is running support groups on KIK for people with DID/OSDD as well as those, who many have experienced Narcissistic Abuse. Telling them that what they experienced was never ever their fault and by supporting each other and giving reminders of this! We also run a DID Podcast, and maybe, if we don't get too choked up about it, we could possibly talk more about overcoming the abuse!

are u o y nd a , e n o 't al n e r y a e h t t "You a wh r e t t a o m N . d e nd a lov d e v elie b e r a u o y y sa right."

Out of Nowhere, He Started to Change." @understandingthenarc About Maria I live on Long Island in New York and am a psychotherapist specializing in relationships. I love reading, writing, and am passionate about anything related to psychology or self-help. I enjoy being creative and use cooking and baking as an outlet to create experiences and engage my senses as well as to decompress. Learning to sew is next on my list as it’s very relaxing and meditative. I have a passion for life and am my most content when I’m experiencing new places, diverse people, and exotic cultures. I adore animals and have been involved in animal rescue as well as trap-neuter-return programs. I find the most fulfillment in educating people on improving the quality of their lives and relationships which is why I started my Instagram page.

My Journey I’ve been known to partake in the allure of a yard sale or two and this particular time in my youth was no different. While browsing through some old records, I caught a glimpse of this handsome guy, reminiscent of your classic cowboy, heading towards some old tools or maybe car parts, I wasn’t paying attention, and I thought, “Why can’t I meet guys like that?”. No sooner did I think that when he strutted over and asked me what I thought about the vinyl in my hands. This was the spark that led to the most intense and romantic whirlwind romance I’ve ever been involved in.

The beginning was wonderful, it was every idealization I had about relationships personified. It was like he only saw the best qualities in me. “You make me want to be a better person,'' he said in response to the way he perceived my empathy towards others.

We would do all the romantic stuff like walking on the beach or through the park but it didn’t matter what we did, just being with him was enough, all we needed was each other. One Sunday morning was just spent in bed analyzing the lyrics of a song. He was so deep and I loved that about him. My very own Prince Charming. Little did I know, this was the preliminary phase of narcissistic abuse called Love Bombing.

What is it they say about something being too good to be true?

Out of nowhere, he started to change. He was distancing himself and I had no idea why. Of course, I thought it was my fault and went through every moment of our relationship in my head a million times trying to piece together what I did wrong. It simply began with him finding my Kenny Rogers CD. You would think he found his murdered dog in my car, instead, with me holding the knife. “You like that shit?” he said, more as a judgmental statement than a question. I, of course, thought he was joking and waited for the laughter that never came. Enter the Devalue Stage.

Initially, you can do no wrong, now however, you can do no right.

He began to shame me for every little thing so he could reinforce the belief that something was innately wrong with me. When I would get upset with him, he would start to be nicer again, when I acclimated, he would become extraordinarily abusive. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

This pattern is what I later learned to be called a Trauma Bond. I become addicted and bonded to this person in such a way that I found it extremely difficult to walk away, even when I was treated with a complete lack of respect. This confusion caused a cognitive dissonance which is a state of mind where I had a difficult time with the two realities. Is this person good or bad? Being overwhelmed by the chronic confusion, I disregarded the bad and completely dismissed any red flags that this person may not have had the best intentions towards me.

In A Relationship with a Narcissist by Maria C. One night, while lying in bed, I was struck by the thought that he was cheating on me. Was it my intuition? Instinct? All I knew was that I had to find out. In the middle of the night, I drove to his house and when I knocked on his door, a girl answered. She asked who I was and after I told her, she informed me that, she too, was his girlfriend. He came to the door looking bewildered but his puzzled look turned into a half smile, a look that still haunts me. She turned around and punched him dead in the face.

Turns out, she was with him longer than I was.

Showing no remorse, he was actually angry at us for catching onto his indiscretions. Her and I exchanged information and I went home to cry my eyes out which I continued to do for days on end. The last stage in narcissistic abuse, the Discard Phase.

They’ll discard you in the most heartless way possible in the truest fashion of someone completely lacking in empathy. He called a week later wanting me back, telling me how much he loved and missed me, how he was planning on leaving her early on in the relationship but didn’t know how. Would you believe he told the exact same thing to his ex-also trying to get her back?

She told me, we did exchange numbers after all.

I didn’t fall for it but the recovery period was devastating and it took me a long time to date or even trust another person again. I sought professional help but at the time, no therapist I saw understood the depths of what I was going through. Narcissistic abuse was not well known to the general public. I decided to pursue social work in college focusing on therapy based classes and I got a better understanding of the pathological behavior but not to the extent of how damaging it was to the victims. After I graduated and became established in the profession, I decided to create the Instagram account @UnderstandingTheNarc where I distribute information, instruction, and preventive measures to help protect those who suffer against narcissistic abuse and other dangers associated with dealing with pathological people. If I could at least help one other person deal with this type of abuse, educate and encourage them, give them hope and some form of healing, I’d consider what I do worthwhile.

"Is this person good or bad?"

"The more energy I gave, the more he took."

My Recovery When I had my initial experience with a narcissist, I was completely distraught. I was flooded with bewilderment and was completely traumatized. I’ve had other breakups, sure, but nothing I’ve ever felt lived up to the emotions that I was feeling up until then. Feeling lost, I sought the help of a therapist.

Narcissistic abuse is permeated by a grieving loss and an intense trauma and it feels like an attack on your entire well being. The therapist didn’t seem to understand that this type of abuse was more nuanced and the recovery period could be more extended than what would be considered from a normal break up. She thought I should get over it, that we’ve spent too much time on it. At the time, I didn’t understand what I was going through any more than she did. Unfortunately, not everyone in the therapeutic community understood this type of abuse. When I was in graduate school, we barely touched on the repercussions a victim might suffer under a narcissist. We, of course, learned about the narcissist and their traits but never the damage they left behind and how to cope. I decided to do my own research, I’ve read countless books, attended seminars, followed forums of narcissist survivors, learned by speaking with my own patients, and later, through the heart breaking stories of the followers of my Instagram page.

I, like many others, had the impression that narcissistic individuals were the egotistical types, people who displayed characteristics like arrogance and entitlement, who were selfserving, superficial and image obsessed. I learned the hard way that there was another type, the covert narcissist. Covert narcissists can appear humble, kind, and sometimes even holy, and they can be even more dangerous at times because you would never suspect them. The reality is that they are extremely manipulative, sneaky, and deceptive. Their abuse is insidious and it could take years to catch on to the games and deception and I, of course, had the pleasure of marrying one. From my marriage to a narcissist, I feel like I’ve lost practically everything there is to lose. My life savings which was invested in my house, the closeness I had with friends and family because he isolated me, as well as my physical and mental health. I developed a stress related skin disorder, became increasingly anxious and depressed, and to top it off, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a direct result of the constant chaos and trauma I’ve experienced. Out of everything I’ve lost, the most impactful was my hopes for a family. We tried and tried, and eventually, we resorted to fertility treatments that I funded with my savings while he actively did everything possible to decrease our chances of conception by drinking, smoking both pot and tobacco, and of course, constantly stressing me out. When that inevitably didn’t take, we considered adopting a child but that was short lived because there was no way I would bring a child into this utter chaos.

In essence, he stole my dreams and in the process, I lost myself, my confidence, and the trust I’ve built with other people.

Narcissists are thieves. They steal your life right from under you and they do it with a smile on their face. Once I was able to break away, I had to start over with nothing. I took it one step at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I sought the help of a therapist who understood narcissistic abuse and a trauma therapist who helped treat my PTSD. I had to take a lot of risks at a time when I could barely leave my bed.

I focused on my healing and although it wasn’t an easy process, I kept moving forward. I was fortunate to have the support of a few people in my life that I trusted. If I was aware of narcissistic abuse, it could have saved me from making such a huge marital mistake. That’s why I started my account @understandingthenarc on Instagram. I wanted to be able to save at least one person from making the mistakes I made. To give people access to the knowledge I didn’t have, to change perceptions, spread awareness, and make this abuse known to as many people as possible. As for me, I’m a work in progress and I will be for the rest of my life but the important thing is, I am still here and I survived.

What was the hardest point of your life with the narcissist?

He was completely out of control. He became more arrogant, disrespectful, and entitled as time went on. The more energy I gave, the more he took. The more broken I became, the worse he seemed to get. I was losing my resolve and my will to fight. I developed a skin disorder that doctors couldn’t identify which was most likely stress related, we were losing our house due to his inaction, and he was on the verge of losing his employment because of his anger issues with his boss. The moment things changed for me was when a magazine hit me in the face. A magazine he threw in between a fit of berating and accusing me of doing things I wasn’t. Up until that point, he had never done anything like that to me. At that moment, I decided he wouldn’t ever have the chance to do it again. I knew if I stayed, I would somehow end up dead so I packed my things and left. Shortly thereafter, we separated. He would never change so I decided to be the change. I took back my power and began focusing on myself.

Escape The Narcissist?.......or stay?

A Narcissistic individuals propensity for change is extremely low and for most, it’s a life disorder. They are excessively insecure and to repress those feelings, they create this false self that is omnipotent or superior in their own mind. For one to seek therapy, they would have to admit to having a problem which would indicate weakness and that is not something they will ever acknowledge. They spend their lives attempting to gain narcissistic supply, which is to acquire validation, significance, and constant attention. As such, anything negative about them that doesn’t fit into this false self doesn’t exist in their minds and

What do you feel is not talked about enough or a hidden battle with those that are currently in an abusive relationship with a narcissist? Additionally, what do you think is a huge misconception about narcissistic abuse?

I think narcissistic abuse in general is not talked about enough.

There is such a lack of education and information. The general consensus of what is a narcissist is simply a superficial individual who is obsessed with their looks and body image.

That could be part of it and in this age of social media, it certainly is becoming more prevalent, but it’s so much more than that. It is a complicated pathological disorder that affects many people, particularly those closest to the narcissist. It’s a personality disorder that is characterized by a person’s need for constant attention, admiration, and praise. They lack empathy so the ways to which they obtain what they need is not impacted by the feelings of others. Generally, If a person with self-esteem dated a blatantly disrespectful person who was outright arrogant and nasty from the very beginning, that person would probably halt further interactions immediately.

Most people would not willingly tolerate flagrant disrespect.

Narcissistic abuse is a slow and insidious process that uses various manipulation techniques to groom people into accepting abuse over time. They will break your confidence, invalidate you, and make you feel unimportant. Maybe they will ignore you when you speak, disregard your wants and needs, or make you feel like you’re the cause of their anger. It starts slow with small but continuous indiscretions that are intended to test your boundaries and push you to accept their behavior. It’s a progressive manipulation and when you do become aware of it, you’ll ultimately find yourself at a loss and wondering how you ever got in that position. Unfortunately some victims never become aware that it is even happening. When people think of abuse, they usually think about physical violence. Psychological and emotional abuse is not always as obvious but it is just as deadly. It breaks a person’s spirit and negatively contributes to a person's overall wellbeing and throughout every aspect of their lives. There is a misconception in our society that abuse is relatively obvious and transparent and that is simply not the truth. There are manipulative people out there that know how to hurt and damage people without leaving a mark. This is one of the reasons I created my Instagram page. I wanted to spread awareness and understanding of narcissistic abuse. I also wanted to provide preventative information, to help people guard themselves, and identify the characteristics of a narcissist. Most of all I wanted to give people hope that they can absolutely overcome and heal from narcissistic abuse.

"Your life matters, you are valuable and worth fighting for "

Escape The Narcissist?.......or stay?

A Narcissistic individuals propensity for change is extremely low and for most, it’s a life disorder. They are excessively insecure and to repress those feelings, they create this false self that is omnipotent or superior in their own mind. For one to seek therapy, they would have to admit to having a problem which would indicate weakness and that is not something they will ever acknowledge. They spend their lives attempting to gain narcissistic supply, which is to acquire validation, significance, and constant attention. As such, anything negative about them that doesn’t fit into this false self doesn’t exist in their minds and since you can’t improve on perfection, there’s no need to even attempt it. This is necessary to keep in mind because a relationship with a narcissist will never change or improve.

Victims must focus on themselves and work on their self-esteem and recognize that they are worthy and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Staying in a relationship with any type of abuser is like dying a slow and painful death, it’s linked to many stress related illnesses and disabilities such as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, brain damage, among others. Victims should plan a safe exit strategy and follow through with a strong support system, if possible. That’s the best way to combat this type of abuse. They must commit to a ‘no contact’ policy as they gain their supply from tormenting the victim post separation. In the event where a complete separation is not possible, such as for the children of narcissists or those tied through financial obligations, their interactions with them should be extremely limited and only focused on pleasantries or the issues pertinent to the interaction. They can also practice a method called Emotional Detachment which entails the practice of not allowing the narcissist to affect their mood or demeanor which essentially severs the power they would have over them.

Financial Abuse There are any number of scenarios where people can use money as a means to control or manipulate a person’s circumstances. Some narcissistic individuals use finances to gain control of their victims. There are different types of narcissists and many different ways to be financially abusive. An overt narcissist, for example, who makes a decent living will demand that his wife stays at home to take care of the family despite her wishes. The real reason for discouraging employment is to ensure that she is financially dependent on him and would never have the ability to acquire the financial resources to leave him. Another example is the narcissist who is more of a scammer and a con man/woman. These narcissists take advantage of the situation primarily for financial gain. That being said, the minute the financial resources are gone, so are they. There are also other circumstances where the narcissist renders himself the household treasury and is in complete control of all the family’s finances regardless of whether both parties are contributing financially or not. That type of narcissist is extremely rigid and obsessively controls every penny in the household budget. I have heard of cases where a wife finally gets the courage to exit the relationship and the spouse punishes her by refusing to pay child support or give her any financial assistance.

Unfortunately there are some people who know unscrupulous ways to work the system and also have really good lawyers to further assist them in taking advantage of the victim and leaving them without any financial means to take care of themselves and their children. Some other ways that narcissists abuse victims financials is by ruining their credit, purposely sabotaging

work opportunities and advances, not allowing access to funds or bank accounts, and whatever else they can do to limit a person’s ability to access available funds. This type of abuse leaves victims feeling helpless and powerless. Narcissistic individuals use money and control financial resources as another means to punish, manipulate, and control their victims.

Advice to Friends of Those who are with a Narcissist With this or any other toxic and abusive relationship, it’s common for people to say, “Why don’t you just leave?”. What is usually not understood, trauma bonds are very powerful and pushing someone to leave their situation only serves to shame them and may contribute to them staying longer as it’s validating their feelings of inadequacy. The more productive method is to reassure them, be supportive and encouraging, and in this way, they can find the strength to deal with the situation. Guide them towards creating a plan of action to exit the relationship in a safe and concise manner, considering their finances, a proper living situation for themselves and any children, a therapist that specializes in this type of abuse or trauma in general, and most importantly, a sympathetic ear. A strong support system can greatly aid in healing and it would be helpful to join a support group in the area or online as they can not only help deal with recurring difficulties but getting feedback from those with similar experiences can be invaluable.

Where I Am Now I may not have been able to find one in my time of need but I am now one of those therapists who does understand narcissistic abuse as I’ve made it my obligation to understand. I take my experiences and use them to help others. The amount of people who suffer this type of abuse is staggering. Each day on my Instagram page, I get new people coming forward who slowly unveil their stories to me, and just like they learn from me, I learn a great deal from them as well. I aspire to make more people familiar with narcissistic abuse and to have the tools they need to protect themselves. Knowledge is power and I hope to empower them with correct information and more informed choices. Social media has a lot of negative connotations but it could also be an amazing tool. I’m thankful in how it’s allowed me to reach more people than I’d otherwise been able to and for that I am genuinely grateful.

Advice to Those Who Can Relate To My Story The main thing I don’t want people to do is to get stuck on a diagnosis. People write me overwhelmed and confused because they aren’t sure whether they are involved in a relationship with a narcissist. If you’re being abused psychologically, emotionally, or otherwise, you need to leave. If you can’t leave right away, you need to get the help of a professional or a support group.

They can help you create a future plan of action and hopefully assist you in making that transition. You don’t need to prove a diagnosis, label them as a narcissist, or some other pathological disorder. You never have to endure abuse of any kind. Your life matters, you are valuable, and are worth fighting for.

"Once I was able to break away, I had to start over with nothing."

I

I grew up in a small town in Missouri in the 60’s and 70’s, and in fact, I still live within 30 miles of my hometown today. My first career choice was actually more of a calling or vocation than an actual career choice. I wanted to become a nun. But my mom was radically against the idea insisting I needed to opt for marriage and family life instead. Always the “good girl” I didn’t protest, although the desire stayed with me for years after. It would seem that while writing has been a natural gift since childhood, as well as a lifelong passion, it would be writing I looked to for a career early on. But it wasn’t. If I couldn’t be a religious, then I wanted to be a doctor — a psychiatrist or psychologist in particular. Ironically, I was likely

the most troubled girl in the room, and yet I was the girl others came to for help with their problems. I enjoyed being able to help my friends and make a difference. There’s a quote from my childhood idol John Lennon that comes to mind here: “Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.” That is exactly what happened to my plans of being a doctor — life happened. Rather than going to school to become a psychiatrist at eighteen, I would find myself a patient of one instead. So any professional career was thwarted by the eating disorder that quite literally took over my life. When I finally married and years later had my three miracle children, I found my career as a stay-at-home Mom. I homeschooled my children, and looking back I wouldn’t trade one precious moment of that time with them for anything. Now that they are grown it is that lifelong passion of writing that I went back to. I have plans for two more books that follow Little Girl Crying, as well as a series of devotionals inspired by the work I’ve long done for my FB page, Illustrated Devotions.

Hobbies? I don’t have a lot of time for hobbies unfortunately. But when I do, I’ve always found myself leaning towards creative hobbies — photography, art, jewelry design, graphics work etc. I love expressing myself creatively.

However, I think I’ve discovered a new, and rather unlikely hobby — for me anyway — bowling! Our family has recently been going bowling together, and I’m really loving it. I’m not what you’d call good at it, but it’s so much fun! Plus there is the added bonus of spending time with family.

My Story, My Journey My journey with mental health and ED has encompassed most of my life, so it would be difficult to explain that journey here in just a few paragraphs. For that you will need to read Little Girl Crying! But I think with my first memory at age five of dad stomping around our maple tree to pick just the right switch to spank me, my descent into mental illness began. Growing up in constant fear and never feeling safe or sheltered at home would likely have been enough in and of itself to psychologically cripple me. But I had bullies as early as grade school, and even of few in my neighborhood that daily tormented me. I had no one at home to confide in about that inner torment, and so I can only suppose the eating disorder was born as a coping mechanism. Then losing something I cherished so much as my virginity to rape was really the last straw, thus sending the anorexia over the edge of that proverbial cliff. This is when the bulimic end of the eating disorder began accelerating the physical manifestations of the illness. That in turn caused what seemed like endless hospitalizations with my life often in serious jeopardy.

In the 70’s, so little was known about anorexia nervosa and its treatment. So the doctors I saw had never dealt with it. I repeatedly had the dubious honor of being their first patient presenting with the illness.Thus the therapy I received was often amiss. Ultimately I gave up on doctors and getting well. I turned solely to God. That turning wasn’t so much an attempt at getting well, but for His love and consolation that had been my only source of comfort and refuge since childhood. I never dreamt I would be led by God’s grace into the depths of a prayer life where I would one day find a miracle healing — a healing I no longer believed possible.

What Triggered the Eating Disorder For Me I’ve never had a doctor or therapist tell me what they felt triggered the illness. If I were to give my opinion, then I’d say it was feeling as though I wasn’t loved, nurtured, or cared for by my parents in the way I needed as a

child. The abuse and trauma early on in my life created deepseated feelings of being unlovable, and those feelings were only enforced by their emotional abandonment. These are core issues or soul wounds that I still struggle with today.

Why I Wrote "Little Girl Crying" I’d known for a very long time that one day I’d write a book about my experiences with the eating disorder. But the book was only worth writing after the healing miracle happened.

There was no point to writing a book that was only about my sufferings.Who would want to read that? It was the miracle that made this book worth writing at all. So I wrote Little Girl Crying to first give glory to God for that incredible healing miracle in prayer. I had a testimony to share meant especially for those suffering most and in need of hope. By the way, I don’t see my book or my message as one meant only for those suffering with an eating disorder. My message is a universal message — for so many in this world are hurt and suffering and in need of healing. So it doesn’t matter what that suffering might be in one’s life. The message is that there’s always hope in God, so never, ever give up! If you think of God as a has-been God, that only performed healing miracles 2000 years ago, then think again! My story illustrates the truth of a living God still performing miracles just as He did when He walked among us. This too, is part of my message.

Secondly, I really wanted to expose the Voice of ED in a profound manner so that family, friends, and even therapists treating someone with an eating disorder might understand the Voice in a greater way. The Voice for me was so demonic and powerful. I couldn’t get out from under it’s control no matter how much I wanted to. I was judged quite harshly by family members that had no concept of my inner battle and often blamed me for the illness. That lack of compassion doesn’t help someone in a war with an eating disorder, or any mental illness to heal or overcome. Rather it only makes them hate themselves all the more and further entrenches the negative thoughts and the illness.

As for the hardest part of writing the book — that has to be that it encompassed so many decades of my life. I couldn’t move past the overwhelm in how to write such a long story until I found a wonderful writing mentor to help me condense it into some sort of structure that made sense. Once we had the structure down the book flowed.

Not Talked About Often

I cannot honestly say I am in touch with how the medical community treats eating disorders today. But I don’t think there can ever be enough said about the Voice of ED. Perhaps for some it isn’t as powerful or controlling as it was in my life. But for those that battle for years because the Voice dominates, manipulates and controls their every thought and action, then yeah, it can’t be talked about or understood enough. Therapists that treat eating disorders must understand how truly helpless some of us feel fighting against its relentless commands. In my experience recovery meant silencing the Voice. Once that Voice was no more, the illness no longer held power over me. Perhaps it is the key in shutting the illness down so that meaningful therapy on the issues that caused the illness can begin for others as well. I hope that for doctors and therapists my book will help their understanding of the Voice so their patients may benefit.

Book Awards

2019 Christian Indie award nomination 2019 Cascade Award Finalist Readers Favorite in Chrisitan Non-Fiction

My Recovery

My recovery wasn’t what I would call a process — it was an instantaneous miracle! I wasn’t in a treatment plan or seeing a therapist at the time. I had solely given myself over to the Lord and prayer. Not to beg for healing or an end to the illness either because I felt as though after having battled it for so long that I would likely never be well. I was really only seeking God in prayer to nurture a deeper relationship with Him. I felt lost, alone and beat up by life and the illness after so many years. The spiritual experience — or really the experience of the Holy Spirit — was purely God’s grace. After that experience the Voice that had hounded me for so many decades was stilled. Forever gone! With the Voice of the eating disorder cast out, I was free. I’m so thankful to God for that incredible life-altering moment in prayer.

Advice to Those Who Relate

Obviously eating disorders can be dangerous and even deadly, so do seek medical help. But I strongly believe that spirituality and religion are key components to wholeness and healing. Understand you can’t beat this illness alone. Consider not only the help of a trained ED therapist or doctor, but that of God or a Higher Power. I think the Twelve Step Program could be ever so useful in helping those with eating disorders, especially for those uncomfortable with religion per se. For example, those in Twelve Step Programs come to terms with their powerlessness over an addiction, thus giving said addiction over to God or a Higher Power. This wisdom works equally well with eating disorders, and I believe it to be a crucial first step in overcoming one.

And of course for those that are Christians and people of faith, then seek the help of the Divine Therapist! Pray, pray, pray! Go deeper into your faith.

It is through God I found the strength and courage I needed to go on in my darkest moments. And lastly, I can’t stress it enough — never give up!

Advice to Family & Friends

I appreciate this question because it is a large part of the message I want to get out through the book. I actually created an acronym that encompasses those things I believe would have made a difference in my life from family/friends. It is: BELUV (Be Love). I go into great detail with this at the end of Little Girl Crying for those wanting to know more. While each letter of the acronym obviously represents something specific — something tangible someone can do or a way of being towards the friend battling ED — the acronym really speaks for itself — be love. In my own family I had so little compassion, understanding, empathy, real support or love through it. I was blamed for the illness, told I was doing it for attention, the target of anger and hostility from my father, and my feelings were never validated so I always felt alone with them. Those in the throes of an eating disorder need to know they aren’t alone. They need encouragement, support, validation, compassion, empathy. They need your love.

Spiritual Breakthrough

A major and life altering spiritual breakthrough for sure! The spiritual experience, which I go into depth about in the book, transformed my life. Not only was the eating disorder history after nearly four decades, but my life was resurrected. I began my prayer ministry online, my prayer art, and soon after the book began coming together. That experience set me on a new path in life — a life with a purpose and mission to inspire the broken and suffering in service to God.

Website: https://www.belindarose.com Music Website: https://belindarose.hearnow.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/illustrateddevotions

A POWERFUL JOURNEY OF

Overcoming Anorexia

Brescia Dover @BRESCIA.DOVER

WWW.BRESCIADOVER.COM

A

About Brescia I grew up in a fairly large sized town in Arizona, called Gilbert. It was crowded with conservative individuals who seemed to have the same routines every day. Granted, it was a safe town, but that didn’t stop people from being a lil’ judgmental within the community. Despite the culture there, I found myself thriving at an early age in creative ways such as play writing, creating, singing, and dancing. I loved my early elementary school years, and participated in student council, and school performances. I have two younger brothers, Marcus and Jensen, and two amazing parents, Suzy and George. Life for me at an early age was almost seamless, until the sixth grade, when everything changed.

My Journey As a young girl, and still today, I feel I have a very healthy body image. Wait, I had Anorexia, doesn’t that mean I didn’t have a healthy body image though? Not necessarily.

My story is a little bit different than the average Anorexia story you read about on the internet. My story involves a little 11-year-old girl, feeling like she had no control in her life.

It is crazy for me to look back and think about little Brescia feeling like she had no control in her life at the age of 11…When it’s practically impossible to have even an idea of what control means at that age. Still, in my mind, I know exactly how she felt. At this time in my life we were remodeling the home we lived in and had to move into my grandparents’ home with them. Continuously, I selfishly felt like I wasn’t receiving attention from my parents. My brothers had sports almost every night, and I…Well I had musical theatre practice here and there, so I didn’t feel like much emphasis was being placed on my life. And that is when little Brescia decided to try to control the only thing in her life that she could control, food. Looking at the picture now, one can see how my eating disorder was not built around the way I looked at all. It was solely based on feeling a need to control something.

After the gradual change in eating started to occur in my life, I started exercising obsessively, counting calories, and wearing oversized clothing to hide the weight I lost.

My parents, never having any experience with Anorexia, became extremely worried, and took action by getting me into nutritionists and therapists. This did not work for many reasons. One of them being I was too deep into my eating disorder, that I could care less what any of them though, and I would just nod my head and agree with everything they said in the office…But when I got home would not follow anything they told me. I also feel as if the old Brescia was not even present anymore, she was gone, and Anorexia Brescia took charge. If you know anyone who has experienced Anorexia, then you know firsthand how unlike themselves they become. I’m fast forwarding now to post Phoenix Children Hospitalization right around Christmas time when I was 11, looking out the window in my room and feeling so lost and scared. My family had left me here because they had no other choice. I had to start being fed through a tube and I would only be discharged once they deemed me “stable”. After being discharged on New Year’s Eve though, I relapsed within the next days.

My treatment team and parents decided it was time to seek out more efficient treatment at Denver Children’s Hospital. I’ll save you the details of long nights crying, hiding food, and tube feeding, and jump to the fact that after being discharged from there, I again relapsed. The doctors were at a point where they had tried everything and did not know what to do, so my amazing dad had an idea. I was fascinated by horses at this time, (taking horse lessons here and there) and wanted so badly to have a horse to be around all the time. My dad brought up to the doctors that his aunt and uncle owned a ranch in Cody, Wyoming and that it might be a good idea for Brescia to spend some time there.

They all thought that was a terrible idea, but my dad strongly thought otherwise.

Let’s just say I have a pretty amazing dad, who knows me very well, and I did in fact spend a summer in Cody, Wyoming, riding horses and finding Brescia again. My eating was restored back to normal and I had finally found something that worked for me. I believe animal therapy, especially horses, have a huge role to play in helping people who struggle with any form of mental illness. I met a horse named Blu over that summer in Wyoming, fell in love with him, and brought him back to Arizona with me. Blu was my notso-little therapist, who I loved an adored so much. Blu is no longer with me, but I 100% feel he was the turning point in me getting better.

Hardest Part of My Journey The hardest part of my journey with anorexia was feeling like no one understood me or what I was going through. I think that’d make anyone feel small.

Hardest Part of Building A Good Relationship with Food Finding balance. Sometimes I get a lil’ out of wack, but mostly it’s just all about balance.

Is A New Healthy Perspective on Food Possible After An Eating Disorder?

It is very possible to have a healthy relationship with food even after recovering from anorexia. I myself, have not struggled with eating since I met Blu. Will I say everyone is different? Yes. So maybe it’s harder for others, but find what works for you.

My Recovery & What Fully Recovered Means to Me I was not really open to the idea of recovery at first, but soon found what worked for me, which was animal therapy and checking in with my doctors from there. To anyone going through an eating disorder, find help, but also find what works for you. Listen to those who love you and have your best interests and find it in you to push through this.

Blu, my horse, who is no longer with me, was my savior(helped Brescia the most during recovery). I know if there is a heaven, Blu is watching over me.

Also need to give huge props to my parents for supporting me and loving me unconditionally…They also are huge advocates for ending the stigma associated around mental illness.

Fully recovered for me means that I do not have negative thoughts towards food. I think that for some people they feel like their eating disorder never leaves them… And I feel sad for those people and wish it wasn’t like that for them.

Shame or Gratitude?

I never felt shame surrounding my story with anorexia. I know it was a chapter of my story, and today, I am extremely grateful to help others who are going through the same thing I went through. Exercise and nutrition for me today are very balanced, and I feel happy about that.

Sharing My Story on YouTube The idea to create a YouTube video on my survival story through anorexia came to me when I finally decided I was ready to share my story and help others. I created this video because I really do feel like there is a stigma around mental illness, and talking about my story, helps others see that it’s okay to not be okay, and it’s time to end that stigma also. Nobody’s perfect. (in fact I really don’t like the word “perfect”) Advice For Those Who Have a Loved One with an Eating Disorder Be a listening ear, and know when someone who is going through anorexia needs urgent medical help (as in their heart could give out from lack of proper nutrition)… Treat this like any other illness.

What Isn't Being Spoken About Enough The whole concept of mental illness is still something people see as a “hush hush” topic. Some people just can’t seem to understand that a mental illness is no different than a physical illness. I believe that those people are not educated enough and choose to create an unnecessary stigma. Talking about anorexia, or bipolar, or even depression with those around you is important.

That is how you find help and share relatable stories. #endthestigma Gratitude I am happy to be where I am at today. A full-time student at Northern Arizona University, in my Junior year studying Film. I know I could not have gotten to where I am without the support of my parents, brothers, and friends. I am grateful to be able to use my story to help others, and I look forward to what the future looks like for me.

Brescia & her family

A PARENT'S GUIDE TO ANOREXIA WWW.APARENTSGUIDETOANOREXIA.COM

ARTICLE BY JEFF & KATHY LONG, AUTHORS OF "A PARENT'S GUIDE TO ANOREXIA

About Us Jeff grew up in Bloomington Indiana, now lives in Los Angeles where he works as a video Producer /Director. He enjoys his family, traveling and the great outdoors. Kathy grew up in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. She’s been practicing Acupuncture and Functional medicine for 20 years. She enjoys spending time with family, the ladies from book club, and walks at the beach.They are about to launch a nonprofit that will support teens with mental health issues.

The Reason Behind Writing Our Book We wrote, A Parent’s Guide to Anorexia, to help others through this difficult disease and process. We learned a lot over the years our child was in treatment and we wanted to share that knowledge to help other parents and families. It’s the book we wished someone had given us at the beginning of our journey. We also wrote it because it fits a unique void, it’s a starter guide that gives a quick overview that also fills in some

of the blanks left out by insurance, residential programs and therapists. It’s all the times we looked at each other and said, “well I wish we knew that when we started.”

What Do You Both Feel Isn't Talked About When It Comes to Eating Disorders?

The complexity of this genetic and psychiatric disease and how to manage your expectations around that. The fact that it is common to have several comorbidities and that achieving balance and well-being takes a very long time. The fact that the insurance company has a say in when your child is “recovered”, (achieved a healthy weight), which has no bearing on their actual state of health.

Our Daughter's Recovery Journey Her recovery process was, as it is for most, a rollercoaster with twists and turns, relapses and progress. Recovery is almost never a straight

line. We found that when one issue was being worked on, another one would pop up. We felt like it was a real life game of whack-a-mole. We discovered that this too is very common. We imagine this is why recovery is anything but a straight line.We learned to support our child by adjusting our expectations and eventually accepting her disease. We just continued to love her and show up. We came to understand that there were things we could not, in any way, comprehend, that only another person who had experience with an eating disorder could understand.

Getting a therapist with this type of experience is really important. Of course there was fear, tears, arguments, and worry. However, we kept learning, adjusting and just never gave up. We constantly tried as many new treatments and coping mechanisms as we could for our daughter and ourselves. It became showing her many pieces to her puzzle, the puzzle that she did not want to put together, however it was the puzzle that only she could complete.

Advice To Parents Who Can Relate To Us Don’t ever give up on your child. Love them even on the days you don’t like them. Know that you cannot “fix” them. This is ultimately their journey, but you can explore every treatment available to you to help them on this journey. That is why we included a graphic of treatment options, to give people an idea of what is out there.

of reconnecting with my child after years of her being withdrawn and angry was incredibly healing for me. She learned to trust us and through our actions she grew to appreciate that we had her back 100%. We have an amazing connection now and don’t take any of it for granted.

When you go through something this difficult it can break you or make you stronger, wiser, and more compassionate, that’s what we are trying to take away from all of this.

Additional Words What you are facing is hard, extremely hard. It’s difficult and at times, seems impossible. Ask for help. Make sure you don’t forget about the other children in your family. Your child in crisis will take all your focus if you let them. Spend individual time, even if it’s short with your other children, and don’t let that time be about anorexia. Don’t lose yourself in the process of your child’s recovery. Remember, with love, and support you can work towards a better outcome for your recovering child and your family. We know that we are one of the fortunate families. We wish you and your loved ones well.

The second most important thing is to take care of yourself. You can’t pour from and empty cup. Try hard to do some form of self-care daily. It doesn’t have to be a big thing or take a lot of time, but it needs to be part of your day. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional,” this is not an easy place to get to, but if you can, it sure helps in your daily life.

Try to get your child into a teen peer group, and yourself into a parent support group.

Are Feelings of Shame, Guilt, and Fear As A Parent When Child Has Been Diagnosed Normal?

Yes. at first we were shocked, our emotions were all over the map – sadness, shame, fear, disbelief, guilt, depression. We were overwhelmed and in crisis. We now can appreciate that these are all normal feelings. In the beginning we told very few about our situation for fear of judgement or misunderstanding. However, knowledge is power and the more we learned about anorexia and the other issues our daughter faced the stronger we felt. We found parent groups to attend, where you learn that you are not alone in this process and there is wonderful support and ideas. We practiced self-care, which included prayer, exercise, meditation, being in nature and more.

Even after reading several books and knowing it’s a genetic and psychiatric disease, that it’s not our fault, it’s not her fault, it’s not anyone’s fault, we still wish we had figured it out sooner.

Growth As A Family We have grown tremendously. We did self-work, counseling, we practiced family meditation and positive coping skills. We learned better forms of communication and practiced gratitude. Was this quick or easy, NO, it was messy and that’s ok. It was powerful and worth the effort. It takes rain to make a rainbow and you look for all the positives that can come out of a difficult situation like this.

We got a rescue dog for our child and it was a big puzzle piece and a great addition to our family that we now could not live without.

Our Gratitude We are so grateful that our child is alive and on the path of recovery. We are grateful for each other and are aware of the individual struggles we and everyone have. We are grateful for the many treatment programs and all the people who helped along the way.We wrote a piece on love and in it we say, “These people gave gentle love to these broken children, this island of misfit toys and their terrified parents. Maybe I wanted to be one of those people who helped others in need. Maybe that’s the only true value in life to help others…the rest of it is simply taking up space, running around, making money and looking for meaning.”We are now on that path and it gives us hope and meaning.During the time our child was in treatment I (Kathy) lost my mom and my childhood friend. The process

Watchdog; Above Jeff & Kathy Long; Above

Jeff Long & His Daughter; Right

ALL PHOTOGRAPHY BY JOHN S. MILLER WWW.JOHNSMILLER.COM

ED

RECOVERY WITH

MEG

MCCABE @babygtbck

CERTIFIED EATING DISORDER RECOVERY COACH

www.babygotbackblog.com

BabyGotBackBlog

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ABOUT MEG

In a nutshell, I’m a vivacious and compassionate person. I consider myself an outgoing introvert with an artistic, free spirit who is moved to help people.

I grew up in a small, suburban town in Connecticut. Since graduating from college I’ve lived in New York City, Boston, and Denver. I am a certified Eating Disorder Recovery Coach , Life Coach and Mental Health First Aid instructor. I consider myself an enthusiast to my core, and I generally dive into new opportunities with full force. For fun, I love blogging, the beach, hiking the mountains, swimming, listening to podcasts, dancing and going to concerts.

MY ED STORY & ED COACH JOURNEY When I was in high school I was a perfectionist and became obsessed with becoming thin enough to be a runway model in New York CIty. This obsession started with an “innocent” diet that soon turned into extreme restriction. From there, I developed bulimia. My ambition to live a unique, glamorous life of a model drove my eating disorder. By the time I graduated high school, I had signed a modeling contract with an international agency. I knew deep down, my size wasn’t sustainable long term. I only lasted as a full time model for a few months. My eating disorder became such a problem that I decided to quit to focus on healing my relationship with food and my mental health.

When I quit modeling, my recovery journey began at home with my family.

I saw a therapist and nutritionist and after a few months returned to college and reached full recovery by my early 20’s. The first several years after my recovery I let my eating disorder story slip into the background. I knew the entire experience helped shape my life and learn valuable lessons, but I didn’t see it fitting into my career at first.

When I graduated from college I moved to New York City (again) and became a certified Life Coach.

I had a challenging time as a young life coach trying to help people through all sorts of problems. I knew I needed a niche, however I was not sure which direction to go. Every time I hosted a coaching workshop, I’d share my eating disorder recovery story and that part of the event always seemed to resonate the most with the audience.

During that time, I had a moment in which I was tempted to relapse after almost 5 years of full recovery. My healthy inner voice fought back, and I resisted the urge to follow through with the eating disorder behavior I wanted to engage in. It was in that moment I realized my niche should be coaching people through eating disorder recovery (as stigmatized and vulnerable as that niche might be)!

Now, I work with individuals who have lost their intuition with food and are looking to restore a peaceful, uncomplicated relationship with food and their bodies. You do not need to have a full-blown eating disorder to work with me, you just need to have the determination to heal. As a coach, I am determined to help my clients break free from food obsession and live a life that’s present, light-hearted and meaningful.

And finally, if after reckoning with your behaviors still leaves you uncertain, I think a good measure of whether you need help is how much your emotions are tied to food and eating. If you’re beating yourself up after eating something you “shouldn’t”, this could be a symptom. If the number you see on the scale directly impacts your mood/happiness, this is also a symptom that something is wrong. The bottom line is, if your emotions around food and eating are volatile and upsetting, this is really what crushes one’s mental health. Again, going to a doctor and discussing what you’re experiencing is the best way to get your questions answered.

ADVICE ON FEELING SHAMEFUL TOWARDS EATING

I think the best advice I could give is to let go of secrecy. Find someone you can talk to about this in a neutral, non-judgemental way.

Evidence shows that those who have a strong recovery support team are more successful with recovery than those who do not have one.

When I first opened up about my eating disorder, it drove a wedge between myself and my eating disorder. It showed me I could distance myself from it and that recovery was possible.

HOW WOULD ONE KNOW THAT THEY HAVE AN EATING DISORDER?

Another piece of advice I have is to practice self-compassion and flexible thinking. Nothing is truly black and white, it’s all a shade of gray. Learning to be kind to yourself and your body, and to learn to forgive yourself throughout the recovery process is crucial. Self forgiveness is a skill you can develop and keep with you for the rest of your life. This is something I learned during my recovery that has made my recovered life a lot easier.

If you think you may have an eating disorder, there are some obvious red flags to first come to terms with. If you’re skipping meals to the point of starvation, bingeing, purging, experiencing dramatic changes in weight in short periods of time, exercising excessively or have lost your periods, I recommend you go to a doctor immediately to discuss behaviors and potentially get a diagnosis.

HARDEST PART OF MY ED JOURNEY I think the hardest part of the journey was truly giving up the dreams I had attached to the eating disorder. My eating disorder gave me hope for a glamorous, special life. Giving up that dream was the hardest part. Once I was able to put the dreams/illusions that were attached to my eating disorder behind me, I could move forward.

As far as other behaviors go, constantly counting calories, cutting out entire food groups, tracking your food, weighing yourself, measuring yourself, scrutinizing your body, eating in secret, extreme mood swings and chronic dieting are also signs. If you have any questions about whether or not your have an eating disorder, I recommend going to the National Eating Disorders website, (NEDA.org) and taking the eating disorder screening tool to get a better idea of where you are.

HOPE It is absolutely possible to have a healthy relationship with food. No matter how dark and hopeless you feel right now, these feelings are temporary. In fact, the only thing

"I think the best advice I could give is to let go of secrecy. Find someone you can talk to about this in a neutral, non-judgemental way."

Meg McCabe @babygtbck

Y

YOU ARE NOT ALONE No matter which eating disorder a person is diagnosed with, I can relate to survivors and my clients when it comes to experiencing a preoccupation and obsession with food. I remember how much thinking about food dominated my brain space. I also remember how scary it was to feel out of control with food and my body. I think this is something that I share with my clients that they can deeply relate to. With my clients, I utilize this common denominator in helping them let go of control and challenge their food rules and beliefs in emotionally safe ways.

WHAT DOES "FULLY RECOVERED" EVEN MEAN? I maintain Carolyn Costin’s definition of recovery: The person can accept his or her natural body size and shape and no longer has a self-destructive or unnatural relationship with food or exercise.

When you are recovered, you do not use eating disorder behaviors to deal with, distract from, or cope with other problems. When recovered, you will not compromise your health or betray your soul to look a certain way, wear a certain size or reach a certain number on the scale.”

– Carolyn Costin As someone who has fully recovered, I do not have negative, unhealthy thoughts often. When I do, those thoughts act as an alarm system to let me know that something else may be stressing me out in that moment. As a recovered person, I am aware of these thoughts and do not act on them.

When I have a negative thought, I generally shrug it off and move on. I have developed a protective awareness that prevents me from holding on to those thoughts because I know they can lead to a really dark place. It’s like I’ve developed a suit of armour to protect myself from negative thoughts about my food and eating over the years.

SUPPORTING YOUR LOVED ONE WHO HAS AN ED As a Mental Health First Aid trainer, I help community members learn how to have difficult conversations about mental health with their loved ones.

First, it is important to educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of eating disorders and be on the lookout for those with the friend you are concerned with.

When you start the conversation with your friend, choose a safe, private place to do so. Start by mentioning the behaviors you’ve observed in a nonjudgemental way. For instance, you could say “I’ve noticed you’ve been skipping meals and talking negatively about your body lately, and it concerns me. Do you think you might be struggling with an eating disorder?”

Being neutral, yet direct during the conversation goes a long way because you can’t avoid the issue or dance around it. Using language softeners like “might” or “perhaps” will help a person feel less defensive as well.

I also believe connecting your friend with resources is helpful. Make starting recovery easy for them. For instance, offer to call the doctor and make an appointment or to research therapists in the area. You could also drive them to their first appointment or attend a support group with them. Sometimes, showing up and communicating that you are truly there for them will empower them to choose recovery.

FURTHER HELP FROM MEG In private practice I offer recovery packages as well as individualized sessions. The packages are a 3-6 month commitment in which we meet weekly via video chat. I have clients from all of the world!

During the sessions we work through the 8 Keys to Recovery Workbook and dive deep into behavior and mindset change. Between sessions I provide individualized homework assignments to challenge their rood rules and beliefs. If they’re in the Denver area, I can meet with them in person for meal sessions, grocery shopping, cooking sessions or shopping for clothes to fit their changing body.

One of the most valuable components to my services is that I’m available through texting, email and phone calls throughout the week to support my clients during difficult moments in which they might be experiencing an urge to engage in a negative behavior, or having an emotional crisis. This communication also helps my clients remain accountable throughout the process.

Finally, if the client agrees, I have the ability to connect with other members of their recovery team such as their therapist, primary care doctor, nutritionist, family members or significant other. This communication keeps everyone on the same page and strengthens the recovery team as a whole.

If someone doesn’t want to commit to an entire package, I also offer small coaching programs, such as the “Open Up about your ED” program, in which I coach people on how to open up about their eating disorder to their loved ones to get the support they need. I also offer 90 minute “Food Guit Freedom Sessions” in which I analyze food rules and beliefs, and help the client challenge their behaviors in small, achievable ways. By request, I can also provide food freedom and body image workshops to small and large groups.

Please go to my website, babygotbackblog.com/coachingservices to get a full list of what I offer!

DIET CULTURE & ED In general, eating disorders are not talked about openly enough.

The prevalence of diet culture provides people with mixed messages about food and eating which normalizes disordered eating, making eating disorders really difficult to identify and fully understand.

There is a narrative out there that eating disorder recovery is really hard to accomplish. I hear that, but I’d like people to start believing that recovery doesn’t have to be hard. With the right mindset, support, resources and education, it can be very manageable. My personal recovery process was a truly positive one. It opened my life up to spirituality, self-awareness and a food and body freedom that I regard to be my greatest super power.

CLOSING WORDS & GRATITUDE I am so thankful to my clients and for everyone who supports my coaching practice. You are the beautiful, brave people who help me connect to my life’s purpose.

I am super thankful to Toi Magazine for publishing this feature!

Additionally, I am thankful to my family for supporting me throughout the recovery process and connecting me with the resources I needed at the time. I love you guys!

Finally, I am thankful to the Carolyn Costin Institute for their amazing coach training program which has launched me into this career. Their support has given me the tools and confidence I need to do what I’m meant to be doing on this earth.

"SATISFIED"

DR.RHONA SPEAKS ON FOOD/WEIGHT OBSESSION,TRAUMA, AND MORE!!

WWW.DRRHONA.COM DRRHONAOFFICIAL @DR_RHONA Satisfied is my second book. Food Triggers covered the details of describing the problem with food abuse and food addiction and how to recover. It explored many underlying issues and provided a toolbox for transforming from addictive to sane eating. Satisfied is a 90 day devotional. It is meant to help the reader face their unhealthy relationship with food and to find hope and empowerment to change.

Satisfied is spiritual and biblical. It aims at the heart and mind to help inspire, encourage and build the reader up on the inside to help prepare them for change.

Satisfied gives the reader daily doses of thought provoking messages to help face unhealthy food behaviors and provides direction for how to make desired changes.

IS THERE ONLY ONE REASON FOR SOMEONE DEVELOPING AN EATING DISORDER? I don’t think we can say definitively that eating issues stem from a particular framework. People respond to stress, trauma, emotional hurts in different ways and food abuse as well as body obsession is one of the ways a person may cope with a wide variety of difficulties. I’ve seen everything from mild routine criticism from a parent that wounded a person’s self esteem to sexual abuse to bullying to severe neglect. I’ve learned from years of treating eating disorders that people have different levels of sensitivity to emotional pain. Symptoms can develop in relation to challenges with coping and managing emotions and stress. Also when eating disorders are in the family they tend to be triggered as attitudes and fears about food and weight can be passed on.

HOW WOULD SOMEONE SUSPECT THAT THEY HAVE AN EATING DISORDER? Well I’d say if a person is preoccupied with food and weight, and if that is causing impairment in functioning they should pay attention. Obsession with food, bingeing out of control, chronic worry about weight, dieting & excessive exercise to compensate for overeating are hallmarks.

OVERWHELMING SHAME I honestly have never met a person with an eating disorder that didn’t have a struggle with shame. The struggle with body hatred and shame for out of control eating and obsession is intense for all eating disorders and it can be truly devastating. It’s not so simple. Shame can be deep as it is not only shame from the current problem but often shame has roots in issues from past hurts often from childhood, sometimes from parents, abandonment, rejection, abuse, body shaming. Also bullying often occurs in childhood and even in intimate relationships including marriage. So this is a loaded question.

I like to start with helping a person realize shaming themselves is not helping one bit. Recognizing that all the self blame and negative self talk and shame talk in the world only adds to the problem- it never motivates a person to change, inspires or helps a person one bit. Though a person may believe their negative self talk to be true it still serves only to cause problems- not help. So in realizing that shame is fuel for destructive eating behavior it is best to leave all shaming aside even if it is still what the person believes about themselves. I suggest they do what they can at all times to change the subject anytime they catch themselves thinking poorly of themselves. It is necessary to find grace and understanding, to find love and acceptance for self in order to change. Shame keeps the person sick. Self love and acceptance brings greater peace and freedom. This can also be helped through spirituality as a person can accept forgiveness and love from God and that can be transforming.

DR.RHONA EPSTEIN I am from the Philadelphia area- have lived in the Philly area all my life. I am a psychologist in private practice as well as a speaker and author. I love my precious daughters, my little malitpoo puppy Charlie and most dogs, the beach, long walks, meaningful talks with friends, live shows, romantic comedies, cold brew, chilling and great worship.

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HAT I FEEL I SN' T TALKED ABOUT ENOUGH...

Well, my heart is food addiction- it is a controversial issue and one that is often shut down in eating disorders circles. As a result, many people who could be receiving treatment for their food addictions never will even learn about the concept and the recovery process properly because of the controversy. Some people who binge out of control- obese, BED & bulimics would have life changing transformations if they did not have to fight with the foods they were bingeing on- like the alcoholic who no longer fights alcohol when they become sober. It is not restrictive to avoid a food that is a drug to a person if by doing so it sets them free. People who are in food addiction recovery only need to avoid what they are addicted to- there is a wide array of healthy foods available that enable a person to enjoy wonderful satisfying meals without bingeing on junk. A person can learn the difference and can learn to live free of junk food and still have a great life. Cravings can stop.

The battle can end. Just like drug addiction. But the eating disorders world opposes this view. I really wish there would be more openness to this view for those who need it.

IMPACT One of my greatest joys in life is getting an email from a person who has been touched by one of my books- when someone says my life has been changed thanks to you- this has put me on the right track and given me my life back- I feel like there is nothing more powerful in life than to be a part of other people’s healing. I know what it’s like to be in the bondage of food addiction and then to experience freedom. If I get to help people I am beyond excited and deeply grateful to be used in life that way. I know when people read Satisfied they feel me with them on their journey- they know they are not alone. They feel understood. That is so important in life.

Especially in these deep struggles.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD WHEN MY PAST HAS BEEN DARK & HOPELESS I N THIS AREA? Absolutely! I believe in total freedom! I have found it in my own life and I have seen countless people turn their lives around completely and find health and peace with food and their bodies even after a lifetime of destructive eating and weight issues.

MY FAVORITE CHAPTER IN SATI SFI ED Satisfied does not have chapters- it is 90 devotionals. There are many parts of the book I love and cherish. In the opening there is a verse from the book of Romans where Paul talks about his weakness where he admits he doesn’t understand why he does what he does. I often refer to this verse in counseling. We are all weak and in need of help. Facing weakness and realizing God’s power in our weakness is the point of Satisfied.

ONLINE PROGRAM FOR SATISFI ED The Satisfied online program is an online group that meets weekly and goes through satisfied with me. The group members read the daily readings, answer the questions and then we discuss topics related to that weeks readings as well as support each other in getting started on the recovery journey. It is for anyone who wants to give up destructive unhealthy eating and transform their relationship with food- especially for those who have tried to quit overeating repeatedly but have found themselves stuck in a cycle of repeated failures. If a person is interested in the program the best thing to do is contact me through my email drrhona@gmail.com.

HOW DO YOU SUPPORT A LOVED ONE STRUGGLING WITH AN ED? I think the most important thing a close friend or family member can do is be available as a non-judgemental loving support. Understand it’s a challenging road to recovery that is often emotionally upsetting, discouraging and painful. It can feel like an endless battle until recovery and peace actually happen. It’s important to be patient. Try to understand. Learn about the problem and the recovery process.

Do not play doctor and give advice. Try to see when you are together how you can accommodate their needs. A person may be on a special food plan. Be aware that they may need to stop to eat and go to a place where there are options that will not be triggering.

Learn what your loved one needs. If they need to avoid addictive foods because they are triggering try to be sensitive to that in the same way you may not put alcohol in front of a friend who is trying to abstain from alcohol. Attend a recovery meeting. Don’t focus on weight and dieting. Be aware those are triggering conversations for a person with an eating disorder.

CLOSING WORDS & GRATITUDE I am so grateful for this opportunity. I am blessed today to be celebrating 36 years of recovery from food addiction. As a result I get to live and love fully- I get to be present with my family and friends and to experience life with a clear head healthy body.

Troubles come and go, blessings come and go, and all of these I face with food in its proper place and I am thankful to be able to bring this message of hope to the world. I pray many will find their freedom too!

isabelle CROUCH

Registered Dietitian Nutritionist and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor

@nutritionintuition_rd https://www.nutritionintuition.org/ https://www.facebook.com/eatwellmyfriends/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQ5UdypoUibEvEvCpMuZbpg

Healing THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH YOUR

BODY

"Healing my relationship with food required that I heal my relationship with my body."

MY JOURNEY TO BECOMING A REGISTERED DIETITIAN

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look up to. To hear your mom or a favorite

productively deal with the actual issue at

body was “wrong” when I was 8 years old

teacher express disdain for their body or to

hand.

and I was consumed by trying to control my

see them engage in behavior to alter their

weight, alter my body, and understand

appearance really creates a lasting impact.

nutrition for the next 10 years. I did my first

To have a beloved coach tell you something

book report in the 5th grade on the topic of

about your body or your friend’s body needs

“Obesity and Nutrition”. I grew up dancing

to change can be devastating. This is often

and was exposed to a lot of distorted body

where the seeds get planted. Sometimes

image and disordered eating behaviors.

that’s enough for it to grow into a full-blown problem, sometimes there are other events or

I became a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist

stressors involved.

because I was tired of all the bullshit. I knew this would set me free and I would no longer

A common trait is an inability to cope with

be at the mercy of the “wellness” industry or

strong emotions. A lot of problems can come

diet culture. I was tired of being lied to, I

from an inability to emotionally regulate.

was tired of being confused by conflicting

When there are feelings that we feel

messages and I was tired of food being such

unequipped to handle, food is an excellent

a scary mystery. I no longer trusted anyone

avenue to act these things out, exert control,

else to give me the answers to my nutrition

or numb ourselves. As we say in the eating

questions, so I set out to find them myself.

disorder world, “it’s never about the food”.

This gave me the credentials, knowledge and

We go about this backwards and think that

experience I needed to help myself, and

the food or the weight is “the problem” when

eventually others.

really it is a symptom. It is a warning signal our body is sending us, but we get so

DISORDERED EATING & BODY DYSMORPHIA Disordered eating, body dysmorphia are a result of how society values women’s bodies and devalues women. Of course, stressful life events like bullying, trauma and grief can set these things in motion as well. Genetics and society at large load the gun, personal experiences and environment pull the trigger.

distracted by trying to turn off the alarm that we don’t address what caused the alarm to go off.

Teaching people, especially children, how to tolerate strong emotions and cope properly could be hugely impactful. Watching how we speak about bodies (our own, others, etc.) to people, especially children, could also do a great deal of good when it comes to preventing or improving these things. The o

THE HARDEST PART OF MY ED JOURNEY Healing my relationship with food required that I heal my relationship with my body. The hardest part of my journey was, and sometimes still is, handling the changes my body went through. For years I had been keeping my weight unnaturally low, and the only way to actually heal was to allow my body to become the weight it wanted to be.

I hated not having a say in what that weight was, and it was terrifying to surrender to that unknown. I really wanted recovery and I really wanted my body to stay smaller, unfortunately, it is impossible to have both.

The hardest part was prioritizing how I felt over how I looked.

The real challenge is mourning what you lose when you give up dieting or an eating disorder. That might sound a bit bizarre, but there is a reason we keep coming back to these things despite the pain they cause us.

For many, an eating disorder serves as a sense of control, a sense of order, a point of pride and self-worth. For many, dieting is a promise, a dream. It is hope for the future, a bright and shiny future where everything is different because my body is different.

Making peace with the body you currently have and letting go of

There is nothing wrong with how you chose to cope and there is

trying to control your weight is such a challenge. You never

nothing wrong with no longer wanting to cope that way. If these

actually had control but admitting that is still difficult. It is

methods are no longer serving you, let’s learn some new

important to note that “letting dieting go” is not the same as

methods. Thank your eating disorder for what it has allowed you

“letting yourself go”. Accepting your body, the way it is now, is

to get through, thank it for being there when you needed it, and

not giving up. There is a true mourning period for the dream,

let it know that you no longer need it and you are learning new

and this stops most people from doing the work. The dream is so

coping skills.

intoxicating and alluring, but in order to move forward you have to wake up and realize it was just that, a dream.

There is also no shame in how long it takes to make this change.

It will take time, guaranteed. Just because you go back to these

WHAT SIGNS SHOULD ONE LOOK FOR TO KNOW THEY HAVE AN ED?

behaviors or have these thoughts does not mean you are failing or that you should feel shame. Acknowledge them, “I am using food/ED/etc. to deal with difficult feelings I have right now and

Honestly, if you are asking this question of yourself or someone

that is ok. I am learning other things I can do instead. One day I

you know, to quote comedian Bill Engvall, “here’s your sign”. It

won’t need my ED, but it is ok that I need it right now”.

doesn’t necessarily mean that it is an eating disorder, but it is a huge clue that we are somewhere along that spectrum of

Think of it like a pacifier. You don’t yell at a small child because

chronic dieting and disordered eating.

they need their binky to feel safe and secure, that is not going to accomplish anything. You reassure the child that they are

Truth be told, it would be difficult to find anyone that doesn’t

safe, encouraged them to find comfort in something else

have some level of disordered eating, distorted body image or

(another object, an activity, a person, etc.), and let them release

unhealthy relationship with food. It really has become that

the binky when they are ready. Everyone is just a very large

normalized and widespread. These diet culture messages are

baby, and we are upset and scared. We have found something

ubiquitous, they are sneaky, and they are so well disguised as

that makes us feel better at the moment and there is no shame

“health”. Not everyone will be diagnosed with an eating disorder

in that. Be patient with yourself.

and not everyone will require formal treatment, but everyone could benefit from doing some work around these issues.

One of the main ways to distinguish between disordered eating and an eating disorder is by the amount of disruption these behaviors have on someone’s life and the level of distress it causes them. A few things to look for are rearranging priorities in life in order to eat or workout in a certain way, isolating and altering social life, and other areas of life suffering in order to maintain these behaviors. When behaviors cause a significant amount of distress or take up a significant amount of time and

WHAT'S NOT TALKED ABOUT Eating disorders as a whole are not discussed enough. They are joked about, alluded to, and dramatized on television, but they are not productively explained. Dieting is dangerous. Focusing on manipulating your weight is dangerous. Joking about “not having enough willpower to have an eating disorder” is dangerous. We are so misinformed as a public about the risks, presentations, and warning signs. It leads for a very powerful blind spot.

mental bandwidth, it’s a red flag.

All eating concerns occur on a spectrum. Even if someone does

IS THE ED MY FAULT?

not meet the criteria for a specific diagnosis, their behaviors aren’t “that bad”, or they don’t “look like” they have a problem,

It’s not your fault. It is so cliché but having grace with yourself is

there is still cause for concern. Disordered eating is rampant,

truly the first and most important thing for healing. If you have

and it has become so normalized. People see chronic dieting,

shame around eating and your body, that is a challenge. If you

weight fixation and food obsession but they label it as “health

have shame around having shame, that’s a trap. It is perfectly

conscious”, “addicted to food” and other diet-culture driven

reasonable for you to feel the way you feel about food and your

names. All of these are on the spectrum of disordered eating

body; it is what you have been taught all your life, both from

and all of them are damaging. Sometimes these disordered

people you love and society as a whole.

eating behaviors are more dangerous than more obvious eating disorders because they can go unnoticed, or in some cases

What you have done up until now has gotten you this far. Your

encouraged, for a lifetime.

body and mind have done what they needed to for you to survive and get through things. You are a survivor. There is nothing wrong with how you chose to cope and there is nothing wrong with no longer wanting to cope that way. If these methods are no longer serving you, let’s learn some new methods. Thank your eating disorder for what it has allowed you to get through, thank it for being there when you needed it, and let it know that you no longer need it and you are learning new coping skills.

There is also no shame in how long it takes to make this change.

It will take time, guaranteed. Just because you go back to these behaviors or have these thoughts does not mean you are failing or that you should feel shame. Acknowledge them, “I am using food/ED/etc. to deal with difficult feelings I have right now and that is ok. I am learning other things I can do instead. One day I won’t need my ED, but it is ok that I need it right now”.

"IN RECOVERY" AND "RECOVERED" Full recovery exists, but there isn’t a universal definition or a true way to measure it. There is no distinct line between being “in recovery” and being “recovered”. Everyone has their own personal definition and gets to decide where they are in the process. When you are no longer engaging in disordered behaviors and your disordered thoughts are no longer the loudest thing in your head, you are well on your way.

But “recovered” doesn’t mean “done”, the work will always be there. Being recovered doesn’t mean never having a disordered thought again. It just means you are able to hear that thought, recognize it for what it is, and continue on even if it trips you up a bit.

IS RECOVERY POSSIBLE FOR

Think of it like a pacifier. You don’t yell at a small child because

EVEYONE?

they need their binky to feel safe and secure, that is not going

It is absolutely possible to have a healthy relationship with food,

to accomplish anything. You reassure the child that they are

even when one’s past with it has been very dark and hopeless. It

safe, encouraged them to find comfort in something else

will take hard work and a long time, but it is definitely possible

(another object, an activity, a person, etc.), and let them release

and definitely worth it. We are all born intuitive eaters. We are

the binky when they are ready. Everyone is just a very large

all born with bodies that are so intelligent and magnificent. We

baby, and we are upset and scared. We have found something

can always tap back into that power.

that makes us feel better at the moment and there is no shame in that. Be patient with yourself.

It’s not your fault. It is so cliché but having grace with yourself is truly the first and most important thing for healing. If you have shame around eating and your body, that is a challenge. If you have shame around having shame, that’s a trap. It is perfectly reasonable for you to feel the way you feel about food and your body; it is what you have been taught all your life, both from people you love and society as a whole. What you have done up until now has gotten you this far. Your body and mind have done what they needed to for you to survive and get through things.

You are a survivor.

I UNDERSTAND YOU. There is something about “eating disorder logic” that cannot be understood unless lived, and it’s a great asset that I have.

There’s a lot of mental gymnastics involved with justifying behaviors, rationalizing fears and connecting everything in life to your body. I have lived inside my eating disorder brain and outside of it. I can see reality for what it is now and teach that to my clients. I can also to go back in time and remember how my mind worked, so that I can understand where they are coming from and validate their experience.

Making peace with the body you currently have and letting go of

Individual Nutrition Therapy: 90-minute initial session, multiple

trying to control your weight is such a challenge. You never

60-minute follow-up sessions.

actually had control but admitting that is still difficult. It is important to note that “letting dieting go” is not the same as

Group Coaching: 4-week program, twice weekly live-video

“letting yourself go”. Accepting your body, the way it is now, is

coaching and group discussion. Starts on October 5th, 2019!!

not giving up. There is a true mourning period for the dream,

Enrollment is now open.

and this stops most people from doing the work. The dream is so intoxicating and alluring, but in order to move forward you have

Online Courses: Coming Soon! Self-paced online education.

to wake up and realize it was just that, a dream.

The dietitian that I worked with while I was in recovery had

Social Media: I create content for a number of social media

recovered from an eating disorder as well. She showed me that

platforms. These are free doses of education and inspiration

it was possible to heal from this and that I could go on to help

that can help anyone interested in the topic as well as keep my

others do the same. Knowing she went through recovery herself

clients in the right mindset daily. This is also a great way to

was hugely helpful for me. It allowed me to trust her in this

break up the constant diet culture noise that currently

process and gave me such hope for the future. I hope to do the

dominates social media. Why spend time scrolling through things

same for those I work with.

that make you feel inferior and stressed, when you could see things that make you feel empowered and knowledgeable?

I used to be where my clients are right now. I have worked through so many of the same struggles and overcome so many of the same obstacles they face. Because of my personal

GRATITUDE

experiences, I have a lot of patience and compassion for those

Thank you to all of the people in my life that helped me become

in similar situations as well as the persistence and tenacity to

the person I am today. Thank you to the wonderful professionals

continue to work with them through the difficult times over the

I worked with through my own recovery process, you helped me

long-haul. I am able to meet my clients where they are, assure

to heal and showed me what professionals in this field can do.

them that there is life after ED, and walk with them through

Thank you to my family and friends for supporting me through my

recovery. I know recovery is possible and I know it is worth it.

eating disorder and being patient with me through my recovery.

Thank you for encouraging my dream to create my own private

SUPPORTING A LOVED THROUGH

practice, to do the work I am called to do.

AN ED This is such a challenge for all involved. I encouraged you to ask your loved one how you can best support them. Ask them what they would find helpful and what they find unhelpful. They may or may not know but opening up that line of communication is so important. I also encourage you to be flexible when these

ABOUT ISABELLE I am a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. I have a private practice, Nutrition Intuition, where I work with people to ditch dieting and finally make peace with food and their bodies.

requests change, because they probably will. Don’t take it personally when you get feedback that what you did or said was not helpful or was triggering. Just know that it is not about you and that even the most well-intentioned acts can be fodder for the eating disorder.

Alabama (where I studied nutrition and psychology), completed my dietetic internship in Minnesota (with a focus in eating disorders), and am currently living and working in California.

Also know that this is not yours to “fix”. This is work that they must do on their own. Even as a practitioner I have to constantly remind myself that I can’t want recovery for them more than they want it for themselves. It is not something you can make someone want or make someone do. So, it is possible that your loved one is not ready. This can be so painful and hard to let stand but do your best to support as best you can with where your loved one is currently at in their recovery process.

In general, less is more. Let your loved one work with professionals and trust that they know what they are doing. Do not try to educate or correct your loved one unless specifically asked (and given clear guidance by their treatment team), they don’t want to feel as though they are always being watched.

You are not the food police; you are a much-needed source of comfort and support and often a sense of normalcy is really appreciated.

Of course, for parents of young children, the recommendations are very different. If your child is struggling, please seek professional help from those that are experienced in working with adolescents and Family Based Therapy. As the parents, your role will likely be more involved and direct, but professional

P

I was born in Colorado, grew up in Texas, attended college in

guidance is still paramount.

PRIVATE PRACTICE; ONE-ON-ONE RECOVERY COACHING Through my private practice I do one-on-one dietitian consults, group coaching and online courses. These services can be utilized by people that have struggled with eating disorders in the past and are appropriate for outpatient dietitian services. They can also be beneficial for anyone who feels that they need to work on their relationship with food and their bodies. Any level of dieting, body image concerns, nutrition confusion, and diet culture burnout can benefit. All of my services are available through my website www.nutritionintuition.org

I grew up dancing, but now prefer to take a yoga or Zumba class. I love to unwind by watching comedy, listening to podcasts or audiobooks, coloring and snuggling with my sweet dog Winnie.

HI, MY NAME IS CAITLIN AND...

I AM A GRATEFUL RECOVERING ALCHOLIC. @INVENTING_CAITLIN

A

About Caitlin I am from Northwest Indiana, and I have been here my whole life. I am also a full-time student at Ivy Tech Community College and have been attending there since January of 2019.

Since starting back at college after a fifteen-year break, I have been taking my prerequisites to test in for their Nursing Program which starts next May of 2020. This new journey just feels right, and it is where I belong. I feel as if I have found my purpose, a new place to call my own, and a place to

call home. I have worked in the Medical Field before years ago and have always missed it since I left. Through sobriety in treatment last year I was able to figure out that this is what I need and want to do with my life, and I am determined to make it happen. Currently I am a Flight Attendant and have been for eleven years now.

Honestly, I always laugh when people ask what my hobbies are or what I do for fun.

These are all things I am trying to figure out now that I am sober. I am not sure what I like doing without drinking, and it has been very interesting, challenging, and a bit of a rollercoaster working out all the kinks. Even so, I would have to say my hobby is school. Anything and everything school related. School is where I feel safe, it is my happy place, and it brings me so much joy. On campus I also work in the Writing Lab helping other students with their English classes and any types of papers or questions they have, which I also love doing. As of a few months ago, I was also elected Student Government Vice President. I have also formed a Sobriety Maintenance Peer Support Group on campus which I hope to be expanding upon. So, I think it is safe to say attending college and being of service is my hobby and I try to be there as often as possible. My next hobby is staying sober one day at a time. It is a full-time hobby and requires a ton of work, but it is worth it. I would not give it up for the world or change one aspect of it. I know what you’re thinking, staying sober isn’t a hobby. Let me tell you, to most of us in recovery it is ingrained into us to work on our sobriety every day, and every day to strive to help others. Only by giving are we able to receive. And we can only keep what we have by giving it away.

Reading, watching movies, talking with friends and family, relaxing, and playing video games, still seem to be things I enjoy now, and I am excited to find out what else I enjoy doing on this journey!

alcoholism , an eating disorder, abusive relationships...this is my journey My journey with alcoholism and ED (Eating Disorder) has been a long time coming and has always been there. They have been my best friends since as long as I can remember, and I was able to address them last year in my treatment center in California. I received treatment and intensive therapy there for six months, and it has forever changed my life. The support, community, friends, all the treatment providers, Therapists, Mentors, Staff, and my friends that have become family now, and my present therapist, were and are such a blessing in my life. I would not have been able to have done this transformation and changed my life without each and every one of them. Most importantly, I would not have been able to get those blessings without the help and support of my family and friends here in Indiana.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones. There are so many of us that do not and have not had the amazing treatment and support I was given, and it is heart breaking to see. My heart breaks for these people. I see where I was over a year ago in their eyes, and the pain that I know they are feeling is unbearable. This, and many other reasons, are why I do what I do now. I am trying to spread awareness about addictions and mental health, and advocate for them all to the best of my ability. I have a very addictive personality, I always have, and I know many of these disorders very well. My mind has been made that I can and will work to break the stigma attached to them, especially with the help of the ever-supportive online community I have been so blessed to have acquired.

I wanted to lead with something shiny and bright before I led you all into the dark.

My alcoholism, or drinking in general, is all I had ever known my entire life. At thirteen I started drinking by stealing whatever booze was in the house. Yes, thirteen. Why did I do this? I don’t know. For no reason and for every reason.

Because I felt alone. Because I was always sad. What started out as fun, slowly turned into an addiction and obsession over the years that I would never had guessed was coming. Mental Health issues were not talked about growing up, and I

had no idea what the emotions I had been feeling were. So, I kept drinking.

Jack Daniels was my other half. He helped numb the pain for a long time. I had no idea that I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety as the root cause to my early drinking days.

Next came the years and years of abusive relationships. Mental and verbal abuse is all I had ever known until this last year of being sober. I always thought it was my fault and endured everything. I forgave any horrible and disgusting thing that was done or said. I rationalized the stalking, cheating, terrorizing, and the sometimes-constant verbal assault. I wish I could say it was a one-time thing, and I then learned self-love and rode off into the sunset with a knight in shining armor…Sadly, I did not, and this pattern was repeated habitually. I didn’t know I deserved better, and that believe it or not, that’s not how a healthy relationship works. So again, I drank. I drank so I didn’t have to feel the pain that was consuming and suffocating me. I hated everything about myself and my body. I drank to be able to function, and I drank to be able to stay alive. I sometimes forget that I must thank alcohol for what it has given me. It got me through the pain that would have killed me, as there were many hopeless times of feeling as though I couldn’t go on, and times that I didn’t want to.

I would have to say that my downward spiral probably started towards the end of 2017 after yet another one of my relationships had ended. I can’t remember everything, but I can remember counting the lines in the tiles for days on the kitchen floor, as I would lay there crying and drunk. I think that is when I broke and started falling hard and at full speed towards my rock bottom. Drinking consumed my days, my nights, and every moment possible when I was awake, or not at work. Blackouts were my new normal and have stolen my memories. Every morning I woke up I hated looking at my phone because I knew I would have to start sending out the apologies as soon as possible, for damage control via texting and mortifying phone calls. A lot of regretful decisions and “friends” were made during this time of descent. I have worked very hard on self-forgiveness and self-compassion, and yet there are still times when I think back on it all. During that downfall I had also managed to lose something and someone so real because of my alcoholism, and it was crushing. I am beyond grateful and blessed that this person is back in my life now.

And we can’t forget my good friend ED. Growing up until now has been a life long journey of terrible body image and body dysmorphia. For years I had been told by partners that I was overweight and needed to change features about myself, like losing weight, or cutting and dying my hair to be more acceptable and prettier. It left buried and invisible scars which would lay dormant for a while before finally cracking. I always knew that I did not have a “normal” relationship with food and thoughts about food, but I wasn’t sure what it all meant. Sometimes ED seemed to go away for a little while, before creeping his head back around the corner again, just to say “hello”. Just like with alcoholism, I didn’t really know, understand, or grasp the whole, “hey, this isn’t right” component. Up until very recently I have not opened up and spoken about ED or my body dysmorphia besides to my therapist, so I am still in the VERY early learning and figuring out phase of this as well.

"how could this have happened?"

I would have to say that the hardest part of my journey with alcoholism was the beginning, during my rock bottom moments. This is where and when I had to, and was finally able to, come to terms with what this disease actually was and what was happening to me. I know it may seem obvious to an outsider, but for me, living and functioning in the disease of addiction and alcoholism was a complete mystery and total shock. How could this have happened? That wasn’t me! I thought alcoholics were those “regulars” you would see at bars, drunk out of their minds, talking nonsense. Or for sure alcoholics were people who would drink all day and were not able to stop. I was never actually able to realize that very idea of what I thought alcoholics were, the sad “regular” at the bar, who would drink all day and couldn’t stop, was me. That was what my life had become.

"Just listen. Listen with silence if you have to.

Because every moment you are listening in silence, is another moment they are not using." body dysmorphia and an eating disorder

As I mentioned before, as long as I can remember I have had an addictive personality. This includes alcohol, food, nicotine, love, and many others. I have always known deep down that there is no way my thoughts and feelings surrounding food and alcohol were how other people were thinking or feeling about them as well. Food and alcohol, and my thoughts surrounding it, have been used as a reward, a huge source of comfort, a punishment, a type of numbing agent, and another source of addiction I battle with. Body Dysmorphia ties in with my eating disorder perfectly for me still to this day. The subject of eating disorders and body image are something that I have recently come to real truthful terms with, so I am still very new with coming out about it. But I know that keeping these thoughts and feelings inside only makes things worse and can break a person down piece by piece. I have been given a new life through sobriety and to be able to live fully, I have to acknowledge my eating disorder and body dysmorphia as well. I am still learning about them and started my meetings about two months ago. My hope is that by sharing the fact that I deal with these issues will be able to provide someone feeling the same way to be able to know that it is ok to ask for help, and to try and seek it. Through intensive therapy we have come to the conclusion that the years of untreated trauma, and a lot that I have not mentioned, led and or fueled these addictions and disorders. Silence is a breeding ground for sickness.

was i open to recovery?

When I finally figured out towards the end of my rock bottom what was happening and that I needed real help, I was very open to the idea of recovery. Alcoholism was killing me, and if left untreated, I can say with 100% conviction that it would have. If I could say something to a person walking into AA for the first time it would be: “Hey, I know this is scary, but it’s going to be ok. It may not be easy at times-it may be a rollercoaster ride and messy- but one way or another if this is what you want, you have unlimited love and support here, and you will be ok”. I would also like to let them know how proud of them and how brave I thought they were for taking those steps in. I remember my first meeting, and I was a terrified shaky mess, at the end stages of detox, and too scared to speak. I would want to tell them they are not alone, and they never have to be alone again. Alcoholics Anonymous is another family and community for them, and the door will always be open no matter what happens. This journey will not be perfect, and that’s ok. They may feel like giving up and may breakdown, and that’s ok too. However they need to get through recovery and whatever they need to feel is ok. They are no longer standing alone and have an entire army across the world behind them and rooting for their success.

Try to entertain the idea of getting a Sponsor there, because a good one will be imperative on this journey. Recovery is taken one day at a time, one minute at a time, or one second at a time. And that’s ok also. We strive for progress, not perfection, baby steps and baby shuffles. Reaching out for help does not make us weak, it makes us brave. Braver than we ever thought possible.

fear of relapse

Still to this day, I have dreams of relapsing on alcohol several times a week. There are times when I wake up from these nightmares and I truly believe I had relapsed and ruined my life. I do not have words to describe that moment of fugue state after waking, other than to describe it as sheer terror and pain. When I am finally able to realize that I am still sober, the amount of relief and gratitude I have is overwhelming. Shame and guilt will come, and it has on several occasions. What I have learned however is that instead of staying silent about these feelings, I reach out immediately. I break the silence that has been ingrained in me my entire life and I actively seek help from people I love and trust. I have been blessed with an amazing support group of very close friends from treatment and at work, and I have an amazing Sponsor. I speak out my truth of what I am feeling in the moment, or what flashback I have had, and I allow others to love me back to sanity.

my family's perspective & support My family has been very supportive of my journey through recovery and my sobriety. This whole situation is a learning curve. Going from not really talking about things like mental health and feelings, to now facing them, is a new experience for all of us. They have supported me through all of this since the beginning and have been there for me every step along the way. My sister is my rock and I will never be able to thank her enough for what she has given me and everything she got me through, including treatment. She would send letters and gifts every few days it seemed like… I am crying now thinking back on this, because I don’t think she knows how much that actually meant to me at that time, and still does…All of us together as a family, are still working out and figuring out things together. This in itself is a miracle for us since we grew up in a time where things were not really talked about or discussed, and that mindset had been passed along for generations. They are doing their absolute best, and the growth I have seen over this past year is absolutely amazing and beautiful. When we go out to for lunch or dinner, or even at their houses, they make sure it is a safe space and they will not drink in front of me. Which is a huge deal, as I still sometimes struggle with going out into social situations for fear of being around alcohol. I feel as if there is no way I can ever truly thank them enough for their love, support, and the help they have given me through this past year. I could not have been able to do this without them.

my supporters in my recovery journey I would have to say that my entire support group including the sober community, family, and friends, sponsor, and AA meetings, are what has helped me the most through my recovery. My sober trudging buddies I was able to make during treatment are a part of my daily life. They are in California, and I am Indiana, and it doesn’t matter. We talk every day, sometimes all day, and they mean the absolute world to me. Having such a great support system is so very important to those of us in recovery. We really need each other and are always there for each other. We listen without judgement and offer one another the safety that we so desperately need.

Being able to go to a truly amazing treatment center last year for six months was also paramount to my recovery. The longer we are able to learn and grow in treatment, the better chances we have at long term sobriety and survival. The therapists, along with everyone else working there were key to my recovery, and I will forever be grateful to them. I owe them my life.

Knowing that I am not alone and being able to reach out for help has saved me.

supporting a loved one through alcoholism recovery I wish I had the perfect answer as to how a loved one can support those of us battling alcoholism. The truth is, there is no exact right answer. We alcoholics are a rare breed. (Yes I am giggling as I wrote that), because I know it perfectly describes me. I can be feeling fine, until I’m not. I could be having a great day and then something triggering, or a flashback takes me down. At these different times and different moments of my addiction I find that what works for me is when my loved ones provide a safe and open space for me to say what I am thinking or feeling with no judgement. So often words are not needed, and just knowing that people are there for us, love us, and support us is enough. I have sat in silent support from loved ones to bring me back to reality, and that’s ok. For me, if someone has a loved one suffering from alcoholism or addiction, my best advice for them is to just be there. Let them know you are there, and you love them. Let them know they are safe with you and try not to “fix” whatever the problem is. Just listen.

Listen with silence if you have to. Because every moment you are listening in silence, is another moment they are not using.

@inventing_caitlin I created my page to offer support and help to anyone else in recovery or for anyone suffering with different addictions who are in need help or feel alone.

I want them to know that even though they may not know me personally, I am here. I know the deepest darkest pain, and I understand how scary it is to seek help. I know the feeling of being overwhelmed with living, vast desperation, and loss of all hope. I want to be able to show others there is a way out of the darkness into the light. Recovery and seeking help may feel terrifying and impossible, and that’s ok. I am here, and there are so many other people feeling the same way. It is never too late to start over, no matter

your age or stage in life. I was able to learn in treatment what happiness is. I want to show others that happiness is possible and no matter what has happened in life, they deserve it. Spreading awareness and support is my love and passion in life now, and I am here.

misconceptions & what isn't talked about enough in society

I think the biggest misconception when in comes to anyone recovering from an alcohol addiction is the question from others of, why don’t we just stop drinking?

Surely that would be the easiest solution and quickest fix, right? What most people do not know is that alcoholism is far deeper than whatever we allow anyone to see on a surface level. It is a horrible disease and a complete body and mind addiction.

We need help, love, and support. Most of which many of us have never known.

I think what is not spoken enough about alcoholism is that it is a very real, murderous, and heart-breaking disease. It is real. So many people will never be able to overcome alcoholism without help, support, and a real second chance at life. Alcoholics and addicts are not bad or lazy members of society. We cannot “just stop” without help and usually treatment of some sort. We generally need to hit our own personal rock bottom- whatever that may be. Alcoholics are not terrible people. Many of us have been beaten and broken, and don’t know or can’t see, any other way out of the dark and vast abyss which has taken ahold of us.

Gratitude

Gratitude is something I practice every day of my life from the moment I wake up. I want to wake up now, and I have dreams that I allow myself to dream. I am able to turn these dreams into reality, and I have hope. I am back in College going after my Nursing Degree and fulfilling what I believe is my true life’s purpose. It had been so long since I knew what hope or happiness was and felt like. I am able to feel various emotions and work through them, without turning to alcohol. Grateful does not even begin to express how I feel about the second chance at life I have been given. I strive daily to be of service and spread awareness for these disorders. For the first few months of recovery in treatment I was terrified to speak. I physically could not talk and would break down into silent tears and horrible shaking tremors.

Through sobriety I have found my voice, and I want to help others find theirs.

dr. jennifer bruha PHOTO CREDIT

LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST

Substance Abuse & Prevention

substance abuse in adolescents

BY DR.JENNIFER BRUHA Licensed Psychologist www.drjenbruha.com

ABOUT DR. BRUHA I am a psychologist working in private practice in Campbell, California with adults and adolescents (12+). I became a psychologist to help people recover from mental illness and substance abuse after experiencing much of this myself. I understand addiction from two perspectives on either side of the couch, as a patient many years ago and as a clinician now. I first sought help while as an undergrad at UCLA, took a leave of absence for 1 year (in 1994) during which time I was hospitalized and then participated in a program. After a year of treatment, I returned to school but still struggled with the whole recovery lifestyle. Since then, I have earned a PhD and two master’s degrees in psychology and a certificate in chemical dependency. I specialize in treating dual diagnosis individuals, or those with co-occurring disorders, usually substance abuse/addiction and mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and trauma/PTSD. So often, people seek treatment for either the substance abuse problem or the mental health issue, but this can lead to a worsening of the symptoms of the nontreated disorder. I don’t treat one or the other; rather, I address both.

I have worked in the substance abuse field for over 15 years, in different levels of treatment, from residential programs to outpatient programs to aftercare services. I have received additional training in treating substance abuse and sexual assault/abuse. I also published award-winning research on the effects of mindfulness in treating eating disorders. I am passionate about helping people get into and stay in recovery. To me, recovery is the process of working through and healing from the pain or problem, not just coping with the symptoms. Recovery is a lifestyle, not just not using.

Recovery is a lifestyle, not just not using.

WHY DID I WRITE THE ADOLESCENT RELAPSE PREVENTION PLANNER?

Substance abuse continues to be a problem in society, especially now with the advent of vaping (use of e-cigarettes), the opioid epidemic, and the increase in overdose deaths. The majority of treatment programs target adults, because in many ways, adults are easier to work with.

Adolescents can be so complex and challenging. When you think about everything an adolescent these days has to battle, between high school and preparing for college, puberty, relationships, forming an identity, peer pressure and bullying with the added element of the internet, and for some teens, a history of trauma or family struggles. Add to all that, substance abuse, and it’s a recipe for confusion, chaos, and mayhem.

This is the reality of an adolescent these days. Having worked as a counselor in an adolescent treatment program for many years, I heard and saw some of what these teens are facing. No wonder they act out.

They are our most valuable resource, yet there are limited resources to help them. We need as many tools as possible to help them, and this workbook is a tool to do so.

Substances can change the developing brain. The frontal lobe (forehead, forebrain) develops last, and this area is responsible for executive functions such as thinking, categorizing, understanding and comprehending, hand-eye coordination, and most notably, impulse control. Let’s face it. Adolescents are impulsive. They often do things without thinking of the consequences. Impulse control doesn’t really develop fully until the early 20s, and substance abuse can put this development on hold, one big reason why addicts are so impulsive.

When someone begins using substances as an adolescent, or even earlier, their development stops to a point. Why is this important?

Because when someone with addiction gets treatment, stops using, and goes into recovery, they essentially return psychologically to the age at which they started, usually being the teen years. Now as adults they need to go back and learn impulse control. Essentially, these adults are psychologically adolescents again. So, to understand the psyche of someone with addiction, requires going beneath the surface and also understanding where they came from when they started using.

Adolescents are exposed at younger ages, many now in the pre-teen years, to new and stronger drugs with higher addictive potential and greater availability. According to the 2018 National Survey on Drug Use and Health by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), among individuals ages 12 and older, 43.5 million (or 15.9%) reported using marijuana in the past year, a 15% increase from 2017, 9.9 million abused painkillers, 5.5 million (2.0%) used cocaine, and 5.6 million (2.0%) used hallucinogens. Furthermore, 2.2 million (9%) adolescents ages 12-17 used alcohol, 1.7 million (6.7%) used marijuana, and 695,000 (2.8%) misused pain relievers, all in the past month. Findings on vaping are unavailable.

Every year more adolescents experiment with substances. Some will just leave it at experimentation, but others will take it farther and develop problems with substances. The Adolescent Relapse Prevention Planner is a workbook, a tool, that helps counselors, teachers, parents, or really anyone who works and interacts with adolescents, to address the challenges of teen addiction, learn how to prevent relapse, and craft a realistic plan for change. The Adolescent Relapse Prevention Planner contains a variety of educational information, real life situations, that teens can relate to with the overall goal of making treatment and the recovery process more personally empowering, manageable, and more achievable.

It’s important to remember that adolescents are growing, physically, emotionally, and neurologically. Their brains are actively changing, and they are forming new neural pathways with every new behavior.

Substances, including marijuana, negatively affect their growing brains, which has been researched and documented. Without getting too scientific, many drugs such as stimulants (e.g. meth, cocaine, crack, ecstasy) cause a release of large amounts of dopamine in the brain’s reward-pleasure center, more than the brain needs to function. This overabundance of dopamine causes the high that substance abusers seek. The problem is, for every high, there’s a low (for every up, there’s a down), and levels of dopamine will decline, leading to the come down or the low, which can and usually feels terrible. Continued, repeated use of substances can eventually leave the brain unable to make its own dopamine and become permanently depleted, possibly leading to long term depression.

B

ENEATH SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Beneath the substance abuse there is often underlying mental health problems—depression, anxiety, emotional instability or imbalance, ADHD, or attachment issues—just to name a few. The 2018 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (SAMHSA) also found that 3.5 million adolescents ages 12-17 experienced a major depressive episode and 41.4% received treatment. Additionally, 0.4 million adolescents struggled with co-occurring substance use disorder and a depressive episode.

These findings show a significant increase in depression among 12 to 17-year olds, with increases in suicidality. Doctors are often quick to prescribe a medicine such as Adderall, Ritalin, or antidepressants to “fix” the problem and reduce symptoms, but it’s not that simple.

Beneath the substance abuse there is often underlying mental health problems—depression, anxiety, emotional instability or imbalance, ADHD, or attachment issues—just to name a few.

All too often, unfortunately, there’s a history of past and/or present abuse —physical, sexual, and/or emotional—that can lead to the development of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD is a set of symptoms resulting from exposure to a traumatic event such as physical abuse, domestic violence, sexual abuse or assault, bullying, living in poverty, neglect, or abandonment, and loss). PTSD symptoms include flashbacks, intrusive memories, hypervigilance, anxiety and agitation, problems with attention and concentration, sleep problems like nightmares or night terrors, and changes in appetite and eating. Acting out through drinking or drug use becomes a means of coping with these problems—albeit a negative and harmful coping mechanism—that initially works to distract or mask, but over time, can become a problem in and of itself.

F

ALSE LABELS

Adolescents are a special population that is often misunderstood and mislabeled, which can contribute to fewer treatment options and resources, and perpetuates the myth that teens are too difficult to treat.

So often an adolescent is labeled a “troubled teen” or a “bad kid” because of their acting out, whether it’s skipping school and failing classes, lying and cheating, taking drugs, breaking the law, or joining or being affiliated with gangs. People too often attribute the acting out to some negative characteristics; he or she is just angry, or oppositional, or just plain bad. This leads to judgment, assumptions, and mislabels. We need to look at what’s underneath the acting out, what’s beneath the anger or the defiance? Often times it’s depression or anxiety, misinterpreted as an anger problem, but often times it’s easier and safer to be angry than it is to feel hurt, sad, or cry.

MY WHY

I struggled as a child and adolescent with some of the same issues my clients have faced including very early abuse, PTSD, depression, and addiction. Instead of asking for help, which could have dramatically changed my life, I bottled it all up inside and focused on school, working, and preparing for college. When I did finally seek help, I was in college and on the brink of death. This is a big part of why I like working with adolescents and why I wrote this book. I can use some of my own experiences and pain to empathize with teens and better understand them.

SIGNS A PARENT CAN LOOK FOR

Parents can look for physical, psychological, and behavioral changes in their children which may be indicative of substance abuse. Physical changes may include changes in weight or appetite, changes in sleep (sleeping more or less, sleeping all day and up all night), gastrointestinal problems (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea), headaches or unexplained aches and pains, pinpoint pupils, runny or bloody noses, track marks, and changes in hygiene.

Psychological/emotional changes to look for include: mood swings, depression, difficulties with attention and concentration, and changes in speech (slurred speech or rapid speech). Another sign is loss of motivation, which is especially evident with marijuana abuse; after awhile they may lose motivation to do anything—go to school, do homework, participate in extracurricular activities—and the only motivation they have is to smoke.

Perhaps most important and evident in teens are behavioral changes including: changes in friends; missing classes, skipping school, a drop in grades or failing classes, problems in school, suspensions, or expulsions; lying or manipulating; conflict or fighting; stealing items from home (money, jewelry, electronics) to sell for drugs; isolating; and being secretive.

One of the most effective measures a parent can take is to talk to their children, preferably before there is a problem. It’s easier to prevent the problem from starting than to treat the problem.

But if the adolescent has been using, talk to them about getting help.

Seek help from a professional who treats substance abuse in adolescents. A professional can conduct a diagnostic evaluation, determine the appropriate level of treatment and care, and work with the teen to develop a relapse prevention plan, identify triggers and warning signs, and build alternative coping skills. Treatment may include weekly individual therapy, family therapy, group therapy, and/or a treatment program. A professional can also determine if the teen has a mental health issue such as depression and PTSD and treat it in tandem with the substance abuse problem. Additionally, structure is important, as too much idle time and boredom can be major triggers to use substances.

Parents should also encourage the development of positive interests and hobbies, which can become coping skills.

HOW TO HELP YOURSELF OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION If you or someone you know struggles with substance abuse and is an adolescent, the most important first step is to identify there is a problem and to talk to a responsible adult. Talking to someone you trust—a parent, another relative or family friend, school counselor, teacher, doctor, coach, pastor—can help. Substance abuse can escalate and lead to isolation, which makes you feel alone, but it’s important to understand, that you are not alone. And, treatment is available.

If someone close to you, whether it’s a friend or relative, is battling drug addiction, let them know that you care about them and will support them in getting clean. It’s important that you are not judgmental or critical about their problem. Don’t tell them they are bad or that they are engaging in bad behaviors. No one likes to feel judged and criticized, and feeling either is a sure fire way to shut someone down and may trigger them to use again. Be honest, open, and empathic. Let them know you are there to support them in recovery. Don’t try to change them or fix the problem, which can cause defensiveness. Lying to cover up for them, making up excuses, or cleaning up their trail of chaos and destruction doesn’t help…rather it enables them to keep using. They need to experience and deal with the consequences, not avoid them. But let them know you will support them in doing so.

Also, it’s important to understand that substance abuse/addiction is a family problem. Substance abuse doesn’t just affect the substance abuser; substance abuse/addiction has a ripple effect in the family. It changes family dynamics, relationships, communication, and behaviors.

Addiction also has a genetic component, and often times, someone else in the family may be using, whether it’s a close relative or extended relative. Also keep in mind, addiction isn’t just limited to illicit drugs.

Addiction to prescription medications is on the rise, and can start with following the doctor’s directions as prescribed. Addiction to behaviors is also problematic and includes gambling addiction, eating disorders, shopping addiction and/or hoarding, sex or porn addiction, internet or gaming addiction (a growing problem among teens), and compulsive self-harming.

Finally, supporting and helping someone with a drug addiction can also make you feel like you are alone. There are resources out there such as Al-Anon, where you can get support from others going through similar experiences.

THE ADOLESCENT RELAPSE PREVENTION PLANNER The Adolescent Relapse Prevention Planner is a workbook to use with adolescents who have a substance abuse problem, although many of the concepts and exercises can be adapted for adults as well. It contains a variety of educational information, discussion topics and exercises that are geared to the teen level, and has worksheets that are reproduceable for groups. Therefore, it can be used with individuals and groups, whether the setting is residential or outpatient treatment programs or individual one-on-one therapy. Additionally, the workbook can be used by aftercare counselors, clinicians who work with dual diagnosis clients (those with multiple co-occurring disorders such as depression and drug use), school counselors, even teachers and parents. The Adolescent Relapse Prevention Planner addresses recovery from addiction through

the stages of change: from overcoming denial and acknowledging that they have a problem with substances; to learning more about the short and long-term consequences of substance abuse; learning how to quit or at least reduce use; developing a plan to prevent relapse; developing a support network; and practicing self-care, which is a vital aspect in recovery.

ADVICE TO THOSE WHO TREAT SUBSTANCE ABUSE IN ADOLESCENTS

There are a few useful things to know for someone who treats adolescent drug abuse and they are equally important. First and most important, they need to feel safe physically (from abuse and harm) and emotionally (from judgment and criticism about what they are thinking, feeling, and even doing). Adolescents are super sensitive to judgment and criticism, and let’s face it, there’s a lot of judgment and criticism about teens out there. They also need to be able to trust the clinician and know that what they share will be kept confident; unless, of course, they are feeling suicidal or if they are planning to hurt themselves or others or in the case of child abuse. They also need empathy and compassion from the clinician along with boundaries. Adolescents often come in with little to no boundaries, which enables the acting out. They need to be educated on what boundaries (limits) are, how to set boundaries in their own lives, and how to maintain those boundaries, which reinforces safety and facilitates growth.

S

OURCES

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2019).

Key substance use and mental health indicators in the United States: Results from the 2018 National Survey on Drug Use and Health (HHS Publication No. PEP19-5068, NSDUH Series H-54). Rockville, MD: Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Retrieved from https://www.samhsa.gov/data/

GRATITUDE I appreciate everyone who has helped me during my life struggles and my journey toward healing. There are too many people to thank, from the doctors and clinicians who treated me in the hospital to my therapists and my family. I wrote the workbook and dedicated it to my parents, sister, and grandparents, who stood by me and supported me through the extreme ups and downs. I am also grateful for my clients over the years because they continue to teach me how to be a better therapist.

Especially the teens!

The Adolescent Relapse Prevention Planner was awarded the International Book Award in the category of Psychology/Mental Health, which honors excellence in independent and mainstream publishing.

THIS WAS THE LOWEST POINT IN MY EXISTENCE THUS FAR.

A COMPLETE LOSS OF IDENTITY AND DISCONNECTION FROM

THIS

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E A L I T

All Photography in this article was shot by Photographer James Adams Instagram:Â @jamesadamsiii

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From Drug Dealer & Addict,

GRAHAM LICHTNER to the True

@GRAHAM.LICHTNER

BUT FIRST, A LITTLE I’m from a pleasant little town called Doylestown, just outside Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I’m 26 years old and currently an MBS (MIND | BODY | SPIRIT) coach teaching people to become the most authentic versions of themselves and creating a sustainable lifestyle in which they can grow! I started coaching over three years ago and it led me to start my MIND | BODY | SPIRIT company, Pillars of Growth (@pillarsofgrowth). The purpose and mission of our company is “To awaken the infinite potential within people, changing the world by first changing ourselves.”

A B O U T G R A H A M Outside of my work life I like to spend time in nature, travel, read, write and organize events/retreats based around personal growth and development. Additionally, I have to say I do play Pub G from time to time and have loved video games since I was young. Ideally I strive to live in balance with myself in MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT to gain a better understanding of myself and to feel the beauty of true inner peace that comes when you’re in balance.

A My Journey

As a kid growing up I was NEVER one to partake in drugs. In early high-school though, they were introduced into my circle (marijuana) for the first time and after countless attempts by my friends get me involved I finally decided to “see what the fuss was about”... Not too long after marijuana became something I did every so often. Then once a week. Then twice a week.

Then before I knew it, I was smoking every night of the week. It’s interesting as I write this and reflect on this, because at the time I distinctly remember people warning me that it starts as a weekend thing and before you know it its a daily thing. I didn't believe them, but by senior year of high-school, after football season ended ALL BETS WERE OFF and I began the process of smoking daily, every night. Back then it was fun. I was entitled, privileged and didn’t have a care or worry in the world. I was heading to college next year and it didn’t matter to me whether I was stoned the whole time or not, all I knew was that it was a nice little way to relieve stress and escape the world.

It’s interesting, when I first started getting high it was just for fun, yet as soon as a friend pitched me the idea of selling marijuana it went from fun to making some extra cash for books at school the next year, at least that's what I told myself. The truth is, when my friend asked me and I realized I could be “Cool” overnight I jumped on it and so began my entrepreneurial adventures with drugs. Obviously, being in a position where I always had weed to smoke fueled me smoking and before I knew it, I was a high-school stoner and drug dealer.

Senior week came and went and as college approached my true desire to play football for Temple University took the driver's seat. I stopped selling drugs and cut down tremendously on how often I was doing them. I spent the first semester in college half partying, half executing on my plan to become a player on the team, yet by mid year I realized I was really going to need to put in a lot more work to actually make it. However, running on low finances certainly brought memories back of dealing and making some easy cash.

Being flat broke and in a position where I knew the right people all of the sudden visions of dealing returned. I set up my little operation and was back to my old ways, but now with grand aspirations. That freshman year summer I went ALL IN. I was in the best shape of my life physically. Mentally I was focused and even had an awesome semester of class which was unheard of for me. At this point I was truly thinking, what could go wrong??? Whelp, you guessed it. I finally got the chance to date a girl I had been into since I was in middle school. I was so proud of myself at the time that I put everything on hold to enjoy the relationship, even my hopes of playing on the team. I stopped my training a month before the tryout thinking “I’m in good enough shape to make it.” and quickly was shown that wouldn't cut it. This was a moment of my life I won’t ever forget as I went home from the tryout knowing there was no way I was going to make the team. A year of hard work down the toilet. So what did I do? I went home, hit my roomates bong (I lived with 3 other drug dealers) and was promptly stoned for 3 days. Thus began my downward spiral that would lead me to getting dumped, being introduced to amphetamines, and almost getting busted by the cops.

As you suspected, when you lose sight of your true self you often end up in places you never expected. Fast forward to being dumped by my girlfriend, I found myself eating adderall DAILY to balance out my weed addiction which would have me smoking and within 30 seconds wishing that I had never been introduced to weed in the first place. One or two adderall sessions a week turned into me convincing myself I needed it for motivation to go to class, doing homework, or even clean the house. At this point I was binge drinking (10-20 drinks) multiple nights a week often mixing uppers with downers to truly “BLACKOUT”. No one in my life knew this but I was living in HELL. I was depressed from being dumped. I was smoking marijuana which left me feeling imprisoned in my own mind. And I was taking adderall which would put me in a perpetual state of introversion and anxiety. All while pretending to have it together because I was making money as a drug dealer. Talk about living the OPPOSITE of an authentic existence. The substances only amplified as the ex girlfriend saga followed me into my next semester where I lived in hell for months. I failed multiple classes, started using cocaine for fun, and dealt with obsessive thought loops and insomnia that left me on the brink of insanity. I actually failed one class in the fall as I retraced all of my notes for an entire semester with the same few thoughts of the ex circling in my mind. Think about

that. I retraced 4 months of notes in one class because I replayed the same few thought loops over and over and over again in my mind and didn't hear one thing the professor said for an entire semester. I did not care about myself at all. I was ruled by the negativity in my mind which consistently took me down the path of more drugs which I found in abundance. I was hurt and it only amplified the following year.

By the last year of college I was on multiple substances daily including marijuana, prohormones (Performance Boosters), meth amphetamine paste, cocaine, LSD, and even research chemicals from unknown sources. I had turned into a machiavellian monster who manipulated anyone in his path to get what he desired. The true person I knew myself to be was so far out of sight I gave up on him and embraced this dark, mischievous character I had become. Womanizing, drug dealing, and greed drove me to the point where my motto was “The best revenge is massive success”. Not to mention tampering with psychedelic drugs in that state of mind stressed my existence and after a few good trips, I began to have trips that left me with PTSD for multiple years afterwards. Horrifying thoughts and petrifying anxiety gripped me as I sometimes would be so on edge I couldn't even go to class or sign in for an online class. People and reality seemed to make zero sense and have zero meaning. Nothing mattered because I was numb to any and all connections with others.

Literally was incapable of feeling love for a period of my life. I truthfully never thought it would end. Now to mention at the time my Dad was dying of cancer and any chances of reaching out for help were off the table. I was alone. Trapped in a dark and clouded mind riddled with booby traps and mirages of my true self. This was the lowest point in my existence thus far. A complete loss of identity and disconnection from this reality. The only thing I had at the time was this false sense of self in which no one knew how high I was or who I really was and I would get off to that. No one knew I was a drug addict. No one knew I was a dealer. No one. And it was fucked up.

My drug stint culminated with major moves on dark web sites where we would ship the drugs to our dorm at school and set up a distribution system that made us a ton of money and the expense of getting kids addicted to drugs without even being conscious of the fact. Bigger plays filled my mind and as my enterprise grew so did my ego. At this point though, I would still randomly start tripping on acid again from my PTSD and it would fill me with more fear and anxiety that everyone was out to get me or that people knew etc. I truly thought that my brain was fucked up forever and I was going to feel disconnected and far out my entire life.

Regardless of my state of being I continued to grow the business carefully, but not careful enough. One of our suppliers on these dark web sites sent us a package that was not correctly packed. Narcotics Investigators promptly showed up to question the person whose name was on the package. It was not mine, because just before we placed the order I asked a friend if I could use his name for a few hundred bucks in exchange. So there we were... My partner on 10 tabs of acid and myself standing in the doorway denying any knowing of drug dealing on the premises.

My heart was pounding but my words were cool, calm and flowing. The detectives left and later we learned that my roommate was taken into custody. I used the time in between to clear out ALL of the drugs, cash and incriminating evidence from my apartment and fled school to find a place to stash everything until I could get a hint of where my roommate was.

At the time the only things going on in my head were... 1. What if he tells. 2. When my dad finds out he will die being shamed by me. Both made me sick to my stomach and I went out to search and try and see what the deal was with my roommate. We found out where he was and that night his Dad bailed him out which I didn’t know until weeks later. There were no charges filed because no one technically accepted the package (plausible deniability). Yet for the next few nights all I did was think about the cops knocking on my door and what I would say. A week later I was at spring break in Mexico with PTSD and anxiety wondering if I could get booked when I reentered the country. It turned out that I had escaped unscathed and that I was given a new lease on life, and thus my inevitable move home to find myself up began...

Influence

The major influence for me starting to use drugs was that all of my friends were partaking in them and at the time and because I was so insecure of who I was, I would do anything to fit in and show others I was cool and I could hang. This continued to fuel my insecurity of having to fit in and let me in a place where I felt VERY alone.

The Hardest Part of My Journey The hardest part of battling substance abuse was fighting the voices and physical urges to smoke marjuana or take amphetamines to feel better in the moment. I was so depressed at the time it was the ONLY thing that would make me feel a little better in the moment.

However, as soon as I would give in and take them I would feel like shit about myself, criticize and berate myself for being weak and giving in. Hours after I would stay imprisoned in my mind, a slave to myself and video games / endless arguments with my roommates and others. This consistent action hurt me as I knew I was not being the person I should be.

Surrender.

The breaking point was when I almost got busted. I couldn’t live my life with the thought that my dad would die knowing that I was being the opposite of who I truly was. That image floated in my mind, crept up on me in my dreams and gripped me during my waking hours. There was just NO WAY I could dishonor my family any more. If there was ever a moment where I saw a way to escape the game it was now! When I needed to lie low and most of my resources were removed from the situation. At this point the only thing I knew I needed to do was move home and figure out what the hell I was going to do with my life. Coming face to face with escaping jail by a narrow margin left me in position to drop drugs and drug dealing once and for all.

Now, as the recovery process began, I had a lot going through my mind. What would I do with my life? Who was I? How many had I hurt? I spent the next month of my life when I moved home at the gym and reading the entire Game Of Thrones series from cover to cover. This time of my life was a true reset. No outside influences, just time for myself to find my true self in the characters of westeros and in the iron paradise that is the gym. I healed naturally that month. I started to like myself a little more than I had, and I was clean. I was done taking drugs and I was done selling them. That version of myself had died and I was moving towards becoming a fitness model and bodybuilder.

Tempting Thoughts

Once my Dad died I had one moment where I got a call from someone asking me for drugs. I knew the call was coming and had prepared for it. There was an urge at the time because I wanted to make money, but I was so aligned with honoring my Dad that I told him I was done forever and hung up. I gained POWER in that moment and began to respect myself for sticking up for what I truly believed in for the first time in my life. That moment, in hindsight was the first moment of the rest of my life. I was true in that moment and I have carried truth with me since.

How Did My Addiction Affect My Family?

It did not affect them directly because they did not know. With that said, it did affect them indirectly as it wedged a gap between us and I sought shelter within my own inner world of negativity and false narratives. I’m sure that it worried them that I was so distant and hurt them that we did not have a positive relationship. It’s interesting and powerful to me that even if they're not directly involved they still feel the consequences of your actions, and that goes for everyone.

What Do You Feel Is Not Spoken About Enough on this Topic?

How easy it is to get caught up in it. You have to remember, the reason people go to drugs and alcohol to begin with is to relieve stress, which is a response from cortisol (stress hormone) being released. What happens after is that your brain starts to associate relief of stressful moments (cortisol) with whatever remedies the situation, in this case drugs and alcohol. Before too long this temporary fix becomes a habit that is created and then becomes apart of your life. There is SO much judgement of people who drink, do drugs and addiction but not enough EDUCATION on how it happens and what you can do to prevent it. THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE, otherwise people will go about their lives mindlessly on the hamster wheel finding unhealthy solutions to life's daily stresses.

How to Support A Loved One Battling Addiction

Show them NO JUDGEMENT. Take the emotion out of the equation and approach the situation from a logical point of view. This person needs the truth in an optimistic and positive way. They’re expecting people to judge, hate, and neglect them. So when you offer truth in a loving, non-judgemental way it provides hope and perhaps the structure and support needed to get out of that situation.

My Advice to You If You Relate to My Story I would say you need to find someone who is unbiased in your life to share the truth with and then make a logical decision on what you should do next. For some it may be rehab, for others it may be AA meetings. There is no right or wrong, only the acceptance that you are where you are because of YOUR decision, but it doesn't have to stay that way! You have the power to grow through the situation and become the most authentic and the best version of yourself no matter what. In fact, those that find themselves through their struggles to gain the wisdom to help and shepard others down the correct paths!!!

W

hat is Pillars of Growth?

Pillars of Growth is a MIND | BODY | SPIRIT personal development company that focuses on helping people become the most authentic version of themselves while developing healthy, sustainable lifestyle habits that compounded over time alter the course of their lives! Pillars of Growth was partly inspired by drug use at a certain music festival called “Electric Forest” where I had my first visions of a society where humans could show and share love with other humans on a macro scale.

The world we all seek is possible, but it’s not going to be an easy road to get there. These visions were the reason Pillars of Growth was formed, to offer an outlet, community and guide to increasing consciousness and awareness so that vision becomes a reality.

Pillars of Growth has helped SO many people heal themselves and find true self worth through consistent daily acts of love to themselves!!! What else are personal development activities than little acts of love done unto you, for you, by you?!

Understanding and taking action on YOU is the reason people see such massive success in the MBS (MIND | BODY | SPIRIT) program!!! There really is no ceiling for your growth, and understanding the process and going deeper with it is essential for your own personal transformation!!! For someone like me who was a drug addict this community and the MBS program could be your ticket to overcoming your own obstacles. This isn’t true for only drug addicts thought, but for people in general!!!

All of us could benefit from self-care, self-love and consistent action towards our goals and dreams!!!

Gratitude At this point in my life I am truly grateful for SO many things. I am living in my purpose and serving myself, others, and this world on a daily basis. The joy I receive from my work is truly magical and I am excited to continue on this quest of helping people awaken to who they truly are!!! Additionally, I am in contact and have built fantastic relationships with my family, friends and partner (Autumn; Founder & Editor-In-Chief of Toi Magazine!!)!

When I look back in the last decade I’ve been through many ups and downs, yet when push comes to shove I wouldn’t change one thing. The experiences I’ve had have given me the strength and courage to go confidently in the direction of my dreams and pursue my vision of making this world a much happier and loving place. I truly believe in my mission and am grateful for the natural skills and abilities I have been given.

Life is just beginning for me and I’m looking forward to this wondrous adventure in its entirety.

FINAL WORDS If you’re reading this right now and you’re in a place of addiction you need to understand something CRUCIAL. The reason you’re here is because you don’t have anything in your life PULLING you up to be the best person you can be! You don’t have a WHY! A reason to truly LIVE your life to its fullest.

I know because I didn't have one for the entire time I was an addict and dealer. I remember those days... In fact it wasn’t until my Dad died of lung cancer that I finally had a WHY. I finally had a WHY to link to my VISION of what I wanted in my life!!! You see, when my Dad died I felt in a way he sacrificed himself so I could live. This love that he possessed for me shook my body free of its chains and released it’s grip on my spirit.

At his funeral, in the pews of that church... I was reborn, and since that moment my WHY has followed me everywhere. It has given me the fortitude, strength, and honor needed to carry out my vision.

@pillarsofgrowth

If you’re reading this and are addicted, don’t give up on yourself.

Don’t give up on your family and friends.

Don’t give up on LOVE. You have the power to move mountains if you only search deep within yourself for your truth (way of life).

If I can break free and rise so can you.

I’m rooting for you always and if you need me find me on Facebook or Instagram at Graham Lichtner or @graham.lichtner.

I believe in you...

MUCH LOVE ALWAYS, PCE PCE

OCTOBER 2019 • ISSUE 10 • VOLUME 12

EDITOR'S NOTE OCTOBER 2019 • ISSUE 10 • VOLUME 12

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE FOR EVERYONE.