Toi Magazine July/Aug. 2020 Issue No. 21

M A G A Z I N E

j u l y / a u g . 2 0 2 0 i s s u e n o . 2 1

PELVIC PAIN, HSV, &

Spiritual Coach CANDACE VAN DELL

speaks on

HOW TO

VALIDATE

SEXUAL ASSAULT RECOVERY

SELF WORTH WITH

YOURSELF w w w . t o i m a g a z i n e . c o m

MOJISOLA PHOTOGRAPHER: Godson Ukaegbu

THE

validation of self TOIMAGAZINETEAM@GMAIL.COM FEEL FREE TO EMAIL US FOR QUESTIONS OR AD INQUIRIES

We hope that this issue brings you clarity to see that even with the worst trauma, the ability to recover and start your healing journey IS there. Start validating yourself. Start seeing & acknowledging who you are, your feelings, and what beliefs are currently serving you and not serving you.

WWW.TOIMAGAZINE.COM

-Autumn Farr (Founder & Editor-In-Chief of Toi Magazine)

@TOI.MAGAZINE Graphic Design: Jayden D. Autumn Farr

Table of Contents

How to Validate Yourself Mental Health in Quarantine Mental Aspect of HSV Diagnosis Sexual Assault Recovery

All content in Toi Magazine should not be used as a solution to any medical or mental health issues.

Please see and consult with your therapist, licensed physican, etc.

All content in Toi Magazine is strictly for entertainment purposes.

The following content can be triggering; language, graphic stories, assault RAINN National Sexual Assault Helpline (800) 656-HOPE (4673)

THE

journey to see...yourself.

BY MOJI AJIBONA @QueenRegardless_

@QRPOsts

www.queenregardless.org Personal IG: @moji_sola

I am a 26 year old Nigerian who is deeply passionate about the female cause, particularly about issues surrounding worthiness and emotional empowerment in women. This passion led me to establish Queen Regardless, a community of worthy women, in 2018. I am an amateur yogi, holistic wellness-enthusiast and a fashion entrepreneur who enjoys playing dress-up almost as much as she loves getting lost in a great piece of light-hearted fiction. I love to laugh, I love to dance and I love to write.

So, when I'm not working, you can find me dancing (sometimes even when I’m working), writing or watching a comedy series. I also thoroughly enjoy listening to live alternative music and having deep conversations with interesting people, over good food and drinks. However, what brings me the most joy and fulfillment is the work I’m privileged to do on Queen Regardless; emotionally empowering women like me to show up in life as the Worthy Queens they already are.

Moji’s Journey of Self-Worth, Confidence, & Validation of Self

I could say that I’ve been on this journey -back home to myself- all my life (I think we all have) but I consciously started practicing self awareness and began showing up to do the healing work about 3 years ago.

I had quite a difficult childhood which I spent most of my life living in denial of, as a coping mechanism. I spent my growing up years escaping into my mind, into a good book or a fantasy of the ideal life I wished I was living in.

I chose to see only what I wanted to see and blatantly refused to accept anything otherwise, so if you’d asked me about 5 years ago what my childhood was like, I would probably have said it was great and that I turned out fine! It was much later in my life that I learnt that this coping mechanism was called dissociation. I believe my inner logic was: if I refuse to acknowledge it, maybe it would cease to exist. But of course, that did not work. My refusal to acknowledge my childhood traumas did not erase their effects on me. And as a result of this denial, I don’t really have a full memory of what my growing up years were like. I just have bits and pieces of significant memorable experiences from my childhood.

Words by Mojisola Ajibona Photography by Godson Ukaegbu

I do however remember that we were economically challenged (a fancy way of saying we were poor). Running-water-was-a-luxury kind of poor. I remember once when I had to miss school for a few days because we could not afford my complete school fees at the time and the total amount we needed to complete the fees was just 500 Naira (approx. $1.5).

This childhood of lack affected me in so many ways and was the major source of my self worth wounds. My sense of self worth was so deeply tied to economic status and this was especially intensified by the fact that I attended a reputable secondary school (high school) with other kids from various income levels and backgrounds.

Because I was aware of this disparity in our backgrounds, I gradually began to develop the belief system that because of my own

background, I didn't measure up to my peers, I wasn’t good enough, I did not deserve to be here, this was not my place. This was how I learnt to perform and wear a mask for acceptance by others, since I had agreed with myself that the real me was not quite good enough.

Over time, I came to the conclusion that “poor” was “unworthy”.

Which led me to believe there was something inherently wrong with me and that I did not deserve to show up in the world as my true self because I would always just be that poor little girl from the ghettos of Mushin (Mushin is a well known low income area in Lagos, Nigeria).

I carried around with me, and well into my adult years, a deep sense of shame about who I was and as a result, I became a people pleaser who had zero boundaries and felt unworthy of self care, joy, pleasure or any good thing for that matter! If something good came into my

life, I questioned it or sabotaged it because I didn't think I deserved it. Here I was reaching for a better life and sabotaging it all at the same time. It was a chaotic and anxiety-ridden way to live.

On a few occasions, my low self worth led me into situations of sexual abuse, because I kept choosing partners who treated me poorly, since I did not see myself as valuable or worthy of good treatment. Also because I was afraid to speak up when I was uncomfortable. I simply refused to see red flags in potential partners because I was so busy questioning my worth and wondering whether I was good enough to be chosen. Of course, experiencing abuse made me feel even more unworthy and undeserving and reaffirmed my belief that I was dirty, broken and damaged. This does not in any way justify abuse or place the blame of abuse on the victim.

An abuser is an abuser and it is no one’s fault but theirs! But I knew that if I wanted to heal and create lasting change, I had to be honest with myself about the role that my own sense of self worth played in all of this.

In an attempt to fill the gaping hole of unworthiness and inadequacy in my life, I became crazily ambitious; overworking and overfunctioning, being overly hard on myself and still not feeling like my efforts were good enough.

I was constantly searching outside of myself and in career achievement for my worth. I worked so hard that my health was in shambles. My inner dialogue was: “if I could achieve this one more thing, maybe I'd finally stop being that poor little girl from Mushin, maybe I’d finally be enough”. Selfcompassion and self-acceptance were alien concepts to me at the time. I believed that the harder I was on myself, the more I would take my life seriously. I had constant anxiety because, since my worth was tied to how much I could do, everything else was riding on that. I HAD to be successful, I had to be perfect, I had to have things figured out, I had to always be working, I could not afford to rest; I convinced myself that rest was for lazy people. Meanwhile, I simply just felt guilty and undeserving of rest.

When did you realize that your self-validation, love, and compassion, had to be there inside of you, rather than searching for that validation primarily from others?

This is an interesting question because like most of us, I had always known on a conscious level that I should validate, love myself and be compassionate with myself but I still found myself repeating the same unhealthy patterns of shame and self hate. Of course, the more I tried consciously and failed, the tougher I got on myself and the more I heaped coals of shame, guilt and disappointment upon myself which of course defeats the whole purpose of self compassion.

What I didn't know was that creating lasting change was about healing the deeper wounds that were responsible for my flawed belief systems and the way I showed up in the world. I was stuck for a long while, until I realised that I had deep childhood wounds that required healing. It was as if I was powerless to change until I looked within and healed my inner wounds.

I think that, at some point after we have suffered so much from repeating unhealthy patterns, we all get an awakening.

We come to that point when we decide enough is enough and we decide to do what it takes to reclaim our lives. I got to this point about 5 years ago and that was when I decided things had to change. I began to learn how to love myself and "reparent" myself, I began to gradually unlearn negative

aelf-talk and quiet my inner critic. It was (and still is) a gradual process, one I’ve had to journey through with grace and patience.

As the adage goes, when the student is ready the master appears. Similarly, when we decide to change our lives and we have a genuine desire to let go of the things that have been holding us back, we attract people, things, information and resources that we need to help us heal. But it is important to note that this decision has to be made by our own selves. Nobody can do that for us. I know this sounds grim, but nobody is coming to save us or do our healing work for us. We are the ones who decide that enough is enough.

Seeking Out Relationships to Validate Yourself In an attempt to get the validation I didn't get enough of as a child, I sought relationships to validate and accept me without knowing on a deeper level, that validation was first and most importantly an inside job. I felt undeserving of my own love and thought love was something I had to earn, audition and perform for or betray myself to receive. I did not know that I was worthy of love, just the way I was.

At some point, I realised I was meant for more, but the only problem was, I didn’t feel deserving of “more”. So I mostly settled for what was available and accepted whoever showed interest in me at the time, fearful that someone else may not come along and that I wouldn’t get what I deserved anyway, since I wasn’t good enough. I was so afraid to be alone and without love that I tolerated a lot of poor treatment in the name of being modern and independent. I did not speak out when someone crossed my boundaries because I didn’t think I deserved to have a voice.

I did not see myself as valuable, thanks to low self-worth, so I chose people who did not see me as valuable. Because I thought that there was something deeply wrong with me, I chose friends who reflected and reaffirmed this to me.

Because I did not feel deserving of being treated well, heck I didn’t even treat myself well (my inner critic was a mean b*tch), I chose partners who didn’t care that much about me even though they probably thought they did.

Because I did not see, acknowledge and validate my own true self due to my childhood coping mechanism of denial, I chose partners who did not or could not truly see me or know my true value. And upon realising that they couldn't see me, I would go ahead to try to prove myself to them, auditioning to be loved and accepted by them. Sometimes, my efforts would inspire crumbs of affection from my partner and I would get so addicted to those crumbs that I would try even harder and perform a little more. I got so addicted to crumbs, forgetting that I was worthy of a banquet. I wanted to be seen and accepted so badly that I began to edit my true colours based on who I was with at the time and what I thought they wanted in a friend or partner.

All the while, all my inner child wanted was to be seen, loved and accepted by me. All she wanted to hear was that she was enough for me and she did not need to betray herself to receive love. The day I realised that I was choosing relationships that reflected the relationship I had with myself, I knew something had to change. I had to become radically honest with the facts of my own feelings of unworthiness. I knew that while it doesn't justify mistreatment by others, I had to take responsibility for the role I played in my own suffering.

Being accountable was the only way to take my power back. I had to admit that, ultimately, I chose these relationships. A choice made in part by my past traumas but a choice still, and no one could fix this but myself.

So I made a decision to come back home to myself; I realised that the love and acceptance I was searching for, were things I could and had to give myself first. So I stopped searching and stopped seeking. I learnt how to be alone with myself to be sure that I wasn’t choosing anyone to fill a hole in my life. I believe that if one does not learn how to be alone, our probabilities of settling-for-less are way higher because we will never know if we are choosing people because we want to be with them or as a means of running away from ourselves.

Then, I began to learn how to love and validate myself, I began to practice self care as a powerful statement of self love. I sat with my feelings of unworthiness and piece by piece began to address them. I apologised to my inner child for how long I had abandoned her and I began to accept and reparent her and I should mention here that this was not (and is still not) an easy journey. Sometimes I would be overwhelmed with all that I was feeling, sometimes it hurt really bad that I would find myself wheezing with pain. But I have learnt that it is okay to feel my feelings; that life does not have to be all good vibes and positivity, that sometimes, we have to make space for the imperfections and unpleasantness.

The Toll Low Self-Worth Has

Low self worth weaves the most interesting and damaging lies. For me, it said (and I believed) that I did not deserve all the good things in my life, and because of this, every milestone or burst of success or joy was quickly followed by a bout of guilt. I also felt so guilty, undeserving and uncomfortable when someone did something nice for me.

So, I tried to explain it away or sabotage it.

there wasn’t. There was just a build up over time, of many painful events from working myself into chronic ill health to getting heartbreak after heartbreak, self sabotage after self sabotage, that one day, I just decided that I’d had enough.

How I Show Myself Emotional Validation The first step I take in validating my emotions, is to acknowledge how I’m feeling. Like most of us, my first instinct when difficult emotions come up for me, is to deny it or avoid it. This is because we were raised to judge or label our feelings as good or bad, right or wrong. So when an unpleasant feeling comes up, we don’t want to identify with “bad” or “wrong”.

Therefore, we avoid it until there is such a build up and we start falling apart at the seams. But the human experience is a complicated one and the feelings we label as “bad” are a very real part of being human.

Therefore, in order to validate my emotions, I make a conscious decision not to label or pass judgement on my emotional states. Years of practicing self acceptance have also taught me to sit with my feelings even when it hurts. I work on accepting the feeling exactly as it is and notice where I’m feeling judgement about said feeling. I go further by giving my feeling a voice and asking it: what are you here to teach me/ what are you trying to say to me? My favourite tool for doing this is journaling.

I think feelings are incredible messengers! They can reveal to us hidden belief systems and traumas that are running our lives. They pull the veil on places we need to heal and help us get to know ourselves better. If we can learn to accept and sit with our feelings, if we can embrace all our emotions,

“Lack of self worth told me that I didn’t have what it takes to show up and make something of myself…”

The Toll Low Self-Worth Has

Lack of self worth told me that I didn’t have what it takes to show up and make something of myself, so I kept doubting myself and my abilities even in situations where I was more than capable. It told me to be small, that it wasn’t safe to take up space and that I did not deserve to take up space. As a result, I got so skilled at shrinking to make others feel comfortable.

Finally, it told me that I didn’t matter, my voice and needs and boundaries did not matter. So I did not know how to tend to or honour my own needs. Up until recently in fact, I thought that rest and pleasure were things you had to earn, only after you had worked very hard. I did not know how to tune into my body and rest just because my body called for it.

I believed all these lies because I did not know any other way of being. Also, because I kept attracting relationships into my life that reaffirmed these to me because of my initial belief system of unworthiness. Our core beliefs are like computer programmes that run our lives and if we do not question them, we can become captives to beliefs that are not really serving us, for the rest of our lives. In my case, my core belief was: you are broken, damaged and unworthy. This was the foundation and it was so effective in running my life and bringing people and experiences that reaffirmed this, that I wasn’t even aware of what was going on in the background.

It took a deliberate practice of self awareness and questioning my core beliefs, for me to even become aware of these beliefs. I wish I could say that something major happened that caused me to want to change my life but

including the messy ones, we will unearth a life-changing opportunity to get in touch with our inner selves and emerge as our best selves!

How I Show Myself Emotional Validation The first step I take in validating my emotions, is to acknowledge how I’m feeling. Like most of us, my first instinct when difficult emotions come up for me, is to deny it or avoid it. This is because we were raised to judge or label our feelings as good or bad, right or wrong. So when an unpleasant feeling comes up, we don’t want to identify with “bad” or “wrong”. Therefore, we avoid it until there is such a build up and we start falling apart at the seams. But the human experience is a complicated one and the feelings we label as “bad” are a very real part of being human.

Therefore, in order to validate my emotions, I make a conscious decision not to label or pass judgement on my emotional states. Years of practicing self acceptance have also taught me to sit with my feelings even when it hurts. I work on accepting the feeling exactly as it is and notice where I’m feeling judgement about said feeling. I go further by giving my feeling a voice and asking it: what are you here to teach me/ what are you trying to say to me? My favourite tool for doing this is journaling.

I think feelings are incredible messengers! They can reveal to us hidden belief systems and traumas that are running our lives. They pull the veil on places we need to heal and help us get to know ourselves better. If we can learn to accept and sit with our feelings, if we can embrace all our emotions, including the messy ones, we will unearth a life-changing opportunity to get in touch with our inner selves and emerge as our best selves!

Hardest Part of My Journey

The hardest part of my healing journey was self-acceptance.

You have to understand that I was a perfectionist who had insanely high expectations of herself, so anything less than perfect was unacceptable to me. I was used to seeing the world in an all or nothing sort of way, it was either you were good or bad, gentle or tough, hard or soft, therefore I never made space for the grey areas, the imperfections and complications of being human. This was why selfacceptance was hard for me, because I thought admitting that I had a problem meant admitting that I was somehow defective and not as good as I thought I was. I did not know that self acceptance and self criticism/self blame were not the same things and that I could accept myself without judging myself. Most importantly, I did not know that just because I had made dysfunctional choices, because I had become familiar with chaos & dysfunction, did not mean I was a dysfunctional person.

Coming face to face with the fact that I had low self worth, with the belief that I was damaged and felt dirty and broken, coming to terms with my past traumas and wrong choices, and then accepting myself in spite of it all, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I realised that we cannot heal what we do not accept about ourselves. Accepting the duality and complexity of our humanity was a game changer for me in my healing journey, so was accepting that I was allowed to not be perfect.

The Creation of QueenRegardless Queen Regardless was inspired by my own journey to healing my self-worth wounds. Although all my life, I had always been curious, passionate and angered about the potential of women versus what we often settle for due to low self worth, I never imagined that it would someday result in the birth of a platform like Queen Regardless. It is interesting because, even before I consciously knew that I had worthiness issues, I had observed a common thread amongst women: we were almost always questioning our worth, constantly settling, feeling inadequate, over-explaining, people-pleasing, doubting ourselves and generally settling for less than we deserved.

But It wasn’t until I began consciously doing the work to heal my worthiness wound and reclaim my worth that it became an actual possibility for me to launch Queen Regardless. As I healed, I felt this strong nudge to empower other women to do the same, which aligned perfectly with my life long passion.

It is safe to say that 6 out of 10 women are dealing with inner feelings of unworthiness, and I am being very modest with this number. This means that 6 out of 10 women are showing up in their lives as not-good-enough, constantly doubting their own worth. Queen Regardless was created to emotionally empower women and remind them of their innate worthiness. For some women, their feelings of unworthiness grew as a result of their weight, some because of the mistakes they’ve made in their lives, past traumas, a childhood of body shaming, their skin colour, their socio economic background and a number of other real or imagined inadequacies. Queen Regardless, is a loving reminder that Regardless of all of these things that makes you feel less-than-worthy, you are still a Queen! Hence, Queen Regardless.

Queen Regardless is the stirring up of the innate worthy Queen in every woman. We hold an unshakeable belief that every woman is an innately worthy queen, who deserves all the good things life has to offer. Queen Regardless does not aim to build women into anything new, it is reminding them of who they already are: Worthy.

One of the things that motivate me to keep going is the fact that in it’s own small way, our work on Queen Regardless is making a difference in the lives of members of our community. And I know this because we get several messages, comments and feedback from people saying they feel seen, touched and empowered by our work and I am both humbled and encouraged by this. Sometimes these messages make me cry, tears of relief and joy, relief that this virtual effort is making such a REAL LIFE impact, and joy that I am instrumental to this impact.

I dream of a world in which every woman is free from the shackles of low self worth and I know we are only just getting started. But feedback like these reminds us that we are on the right path. We are passionate and committed and we plan to do everything in our capacity towards the realisation of our goal. For example, we recently partnered with a sponsor to support our Queens with $12,000 worth of inner healing intervention in the form of sponsored therapy sessions. This might seem so small compared to the work that we still have to do, but it is a step in the right direction which we are immensely grateful for. We are of course open to more support, partnerships and collaborations.

My Advice to Those Who Feel Shameful or Inadequate

First and foremost I want you to know that you are not that shame or unworthiness or inadequacy. You are a whole human being who is deserving of the best things in life, regardless of whether you believe it right now or not. These are simply feelings you have; feelings are not facts and feelings don’t define us. As a matter of fact, these particular feelings are lying to you. Why? Because you are already worthy, already good enough, already more than adequate just as you are and just because you exist. Your worth is not something you need to earn, become or acquire. It is not something you can lose, or something that fluctuates based on your achievements or how much you have your life together. It is who you already are. As you journey through this, please keep this close to your heart.

I know that these negative feelings we experience can be really powerful, overwhelming and can even cloud our judgements sometimes, especially if they stem from a deeper root in our past. Heck, I've been there myself. So I get it. I just want you to hold this reminder close to your heart that point of all the healing work you will be doing is not to attempt to give you new self worth, it is simply going to shed the falsehood, disempowering narratives and inner wounds that have lied to you about who you really are: worthy, enough, whole and a Queen, Regardless I have realised from my experience that low self worth always has a root cause and trying to address it without dealing with the root cause is like trying to clean a house without lifting the furniture and getting your broom to the hidden corners. So, I’d like to encourage you to uninstall these disempowering feelings and beliefs from their core.

In order to do this, consider doing some self-reflection to find your “Why?” and your narratives around worthiness and shame.

Why do you feel unworthy? What do you feel undeserving of, and why? What are you ashamed of? What are you afraid to let go of? What are you struggling to accept about yourself? Why do you feel inadequate? What have you convinced yourself/been convinced of that you have to do/become in order to finally be worthy/good enough? Where/when did you first learn that you weren’t worth it? My favourite tool for doing this again, is journaling. Your answers to these questions might reveal deep inner wounds that are responsible for the way you now feel about yourself.

Sometimes, hidden behind unworthiness are shame, past trauma, fear (of being alone, of what people would think of you, etc) and unmet childhood needs which is also a mini form of trauma. When you find these narratives, I recommend you make use of an inner healing modality to uninstall at the source. There are many healing modalities from Neuro Linguistic Programming, to CBT, to Reiki and even Talk Therapy and my favourite to use is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique).

You can get started by repeating positive affirmations to yourself, that affirm the opposite of your disempowering narratives. For example, replacing “I don’t deserve love” with “I am good enough to be loved, just as I am” and repeating this to yourself everyday, preferably in front of a mirror.

Finally, much like our physical bodies, our emotional states also require constant maintenance. To stay healthy we need to be mindful of the people in our circle (both on and offline) and surround ourselves with people and things that empower and reinforce us on our journeys. Follow and subscribe to online communities that share positive and empowering content: Queen Regardless for example, shares content that empower you to show up in life as the Worthy Queen you already are.

5 Immensley Helpful Life Tips

I’d like to close by sharing 5 thoughts that have been of immense help in my life: Self-care will save your soul. It is how you reclaim your power. It is a healing statement of love for yourself that says: you are worth my time, you are worth the effort, you are worthy of pleasure. Nothing is more profound, more powerful or more life-changing.

On your journey to loving yourself, it’s okay if you can’t go straight to “I love you” right off the bat. Sometimes “I see you”, “I acknowledge you”, “I am thankful for you”, “I am trying to love you” are more than enough.

Healing is not linear, be patient with your journey, I repeat, Be patient with your journey! Sometimes, relapses happen.

Sometimes you’d think you were over something and all of a sudden it triggers you all over again. Please know that this does not invalidate your progress. Hold your heart with gentleness, patience and compassion. You are doing great.

And just by showing up for yourself, you’ve won the biggest battle.

Self-judgement is never the answer, no matter how badly you think you have messed things up. Be kind to yourself.

You can take responsibility for your life without being harsh on yourself.

You are always worth it, even when you don’t feel like it; especially when you don’t feel like it.

Last Note!! I am deeply thankful and honoured that my journey can be an inspiration to other people.

Helpful Resource!!

There’s something we’ve been working on and I’m so excited about! We are currently putting together a soon-to-belaunched E-Book on 7 Life-Changing Lessons I've Learnt On My Journey To Healing & Reclaiming My Self Worth. It is a compilation of the most powerful lessons I have learnt that pretty much changed my life and made all the difference for me on my self-worth healing journey. Some of these lessons are more in-depth explanations of a few concepts that were discussed earlier on in this interview, while the rest are new and just as empowering concepts.

The eBook will be totally FREE and I am convinced it will be of great help in bringing guidance, clarity and strength to anyone who is either new on this self-worth journey or a little further along.

To join the waitlist and be one of the first people to get this eBook once it launches in the next few weeks, kindly visit bit.ly/selfworthlessons.

EMOTIONAL VALIDATION WITH

candace van dell www.candacevandell.com

GET REAL ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL, SO YOU CAN

Heal.

About Candace I grew up in Elmhurst Illinois, a suburb 20 minutes west of Chicago.

From a very young age I played piano, violin, gymnastics, soccer, art, anything I could get my hands on ;-) I had a huge desire to understand the world and to explore it right away. The week after I graduated high school I was on an airplane to Osaka Japan for my first modeling contract. Before I became a Spiritual teacher I worked as a model for 20 years and an actress for 10 of those 20.

My Journey of Emotional Validation I would say my journey towards emotional validation started the moment I was first invalidated. For me that started in the school system. My home life was pretty dysfunctional with parents divorcing and never getting along. I was a highly sensitive child and I felt everything more than most. I internalized a lot of the emotions of others and would get confused by all that I would feel.

At the age of 7 I was having trouble focusing in school due to these environment disturbances and the fact that I was a visual learner. I

People also fear validating what they feel because they believe it means that the messages they receive from the feeling are true.

was diagnosed as having ADHD and put on ritalin. That was the

mean “there is something wrong with me.” When you don’t have

The Effects of Lack of Emotional Validation

words to describe your emotions, and no one can seem to

Some of the most common issues I see when there has been a lack

understand you, life can be pretty frustrating.

of emotional validation are the inability to make a decision. To not

first day I knew something was very wrong. I internalized this to

know who you are or uncertain identity, not know how you really I took the ritalin on and off for 10 years. I remember it numbing me

feel as opposed to how you think you “should” feel. Choosing

out so I could focus but I wasn’t able to be me. As I became a pre-

emotionally unavailable partners. People pleasing, seeking external

teen I started waking up more and more to these abilities I had to

validation.

understand emotions in a different way. I would now call it emotional intelligence. I felt incredibly drawn to higher thoughts

Validating Yourself

and perspectives. I started reading spiritual books and buying

The CVD Method (Candace van Dell method) is to get real about

crystals and reading auras. I knew there was something going on

how you feel to heal. What this looks like is:

beyond the societal teachings. I was tapping into it and needed to

1. Notice a trigger (emotion that disturbs your peace)

know all about it. This was the beginning of my spiritual journey.

2. Give it a name

Part of my draw to the modeling and acting world was the

4. Notice where you feel it in your body

temporary external validation I would receive when I had not yet

5. Put one hand on that part and another hand on either your

3. Give it a voice

learned to emotionally validate myself. I was good at it but it wasn’t healing my inner world. Growing up feeling like there was

stomach or heart 6. Ask the feeling what it needs from you

something wrong with me according to the “system” (ADHD), but

7. Let it know it is safe with you

something very right with me according to spiritual laws was very

8. Sit with it for a few minutes

confusing. I wanted to feel like I was enough and I didn’t know how

9. Know that this feeling is not WHO YOU ARE but it is how you

to anchor that. When we seek externally we never learn to integrate our worth internally. After years of using this band-aid, I was ready to come home to myself. This was 10 years ago, I quit my acting career and gradually retired from the modeling world. I went back to school to study spiritual psychology, holistic nutrition

feel 10. As you notice this emotion, give it a name and place it, you can detach your “identity” from the feeling. This provides a sense of freedom and clarity 11. In many cases it will show you a scenario, look into the message

and a few other things. I wanted to live on my own terms and live

and see if that makes sense or if it was a childhood

to validate myself rather than to seek for validation based on any

misinterpretation. Maybe it is a constant pattern that needs

perfectionistic ideal or societal standard. As soon as I completely

you to upgrade your perception so it can be released. This is

let go, I felt completely free. This is when I started teaching and really honing in on my insights, the wisdom that was flowing through me so freely from this level of learning to validate myself. There is

how we work the process of emotional validation 12. Thank your emotion for showing up and ask it to come with you in your heart.

nothing that brings me more joy today than to help people who feel like they are lost, uncertain of their own identity, true self or source of empowerment. There is a way to live each and everyday from a place of deep clarity, confidence and connection.

Validating Others In my opinion, I validate others by showing up in my most authentic form. When we do our own inner work we are able to show up as a

Emotional Validation & Childhoods In my opinion emotional validation is what is missing in many childhoods. Emotional validation is mirroring your child’s emotional experiences. This is most difficult with highly sensitive kids like myself. We are more attuned to subtle or even subconscious emotions in others that they are not even aware of. When we say we feel something it often gets invalidated if the other person does not experience the same. To mirror is to let your child know that you hear what they are saying and you can see how that is so. We validate their ability to trust their own feelings. Then help them through it to self soothe rather than punishing and sending them away to figure it out themselves or telling them to get over it.

pure mirror rather than a filter of some kind. I listen to people without judgement. My clients tell me they feel very seen and not judged by me. This is similar to self validation. We allow our emotions to be seen and not judged.

Trauma and Validation The level of trauma you have experienced has a lot to do with how you will heal. I have found that when people from all backgrounds use my technique as part of their healing, they always have positive experiences. It is as simple as someone telling you about their trauma and you mirroring back to them an emotional connection of understanding, no judgment and total acceptance of what they went through. That feels good no matter how you look at it.

“Get REAL about how you FEEL so you can HEAL.”

The Impact This Process Has Had On My Life.

Yes, I teach emotional validation through a phrase I coined. “Get

I created this process for myself when no one was able to get it. As

REAL about how you FEEL so you can HEAL.” This means that we

a kid I remember thinking that therapy wasn’t deep enough to get

need to get emotionally honest with how we feel, not need it to be

me. This is what many of my clients tell me as well. They needed

any different or to change in any way. When we can be

an emotional mirror. Someone who has gone through it and gets

“unconditional” with our own feelings we are entering the first step

it. As I learned how to emotionally validate myself, I understood

of emotional validation. Many people run into trouble with their

how very similar we all are in this way. In my opinion everyone

emotions because they are in judgement of what they feel. Feelings

needs more emotional validation. It makes us feel like we aren’t

just need to be acknowledged so they can feel SEEN.

alone, we are seen, understood and that we matter.

Advice to YOU Get REAL about how you FEEL. If you don’t know how you feel then get real about the fact that you don’t know how you feel. That is step one. People often get confused right there because they judge themselves for not knowing how they feel. When you admit that and tell yourself that it is ok, you will already feel seen and accepted by SELF.

Misconceptions I think people often misinterpret emotional validation as being self centered or selfish, I feel it is self honoring and healing. People also fear validating what they feel because they believe it means that the messages they receive from the feeling are true. Let me explain. When you feel shame, you are afraid to validate this feeling out of fear that the shame is real. The feeling is real but the meaning attached is not truth. Shame says “there is something wrong with me.” Shame is real and it needs to be healed but that message is not truth. There is nothing innately wrong with anyone.

Often times what is creating the shame is this misbelief that we are flawed. As we validate this feeling, we are telling ourselves “of course I feel this way, look what I went through.” Rather than “I have shame because there is something wrong with me.”

The Point of This All… The point in learning to emotionally validate is to eventually heal these emotional wounds and reconnect with our inner guidance.

When we have emotional wounds, we are not fully trusting our feelings which means ourselves. When we are searching for external validation, we are always slightly unempowered as our power is given away when we are or aren’t externally validated.

This also creates dependency, we become on externals to give us that validation we need. When we learn to emotionally validate, we can stand tall in our purpose and say what we need and feel without worrying about what others will think because we know we are valid ;-)

Gratitude & Closing Words Today I am living my dream life! I coach people from all over the world on how to know,love and live as their true authentic selves. It is an amazing thing to see the perfection of your own process. My life came full circle as I looked inward and awakened to my own wise guide inside. Emotional validation will set you free ;-)

More from Candace Ways to have

Candace on Your Growth Journey

-Emotional Rehab 12 week online course is offered 4 times a year.

Jan, April, July and Oct. -Inner Work Group coaching is ongoing -Truth Room Monthly Membership is ongoing -One on one coaching All found on www.candacevandell.com

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FINDING YOUR CAPE A Lifestyle Column by Mare McHale

REDHEADMARE

"You can do anything for ten minutes."

I never expected that my first column in Toi Magazine would be published in the middle of a worldwide pandemic! However, what’s fascinating to me is that by the time I sat down to write these words, my plan for this issue’s theme was steadfast.

Pandemic or not, today I want to talk to you about these seven words: You can do anything for ten minutes.

Today we begin with an excerpt from my best-selling book, Finding Your Cape.

Imagine if we could tally and keep track of how many thoughts we had in one day. Heck, even one hour. I would bet money it’s in the tens of thousands. Every second your mind can flit from thought to thought. Here’s an accurate depiction of my mind this morning: “Am I anxious? Does this romper make me look fat? Do I care if it does? I love my body. How would I ever get rid of this cellulite? I spend too much time on my phone. Will I ever meet someone?

How am I going to meet him? These online dating apps are useless. Why did I not get enough done yesterday? Wait, I did a lot - stop being so unkind to yourself. You’re amazing! I guess I’ll make Thomas dinner before I go to yoga. Don’t forget to get gas. I hope his dentist appointment goes okay today. I can’t wait for lunch. Can I nap today? How am I ever going to feel rested? I wonder what’s happening on Instagram today…”

Aren’t you exhausted just reading that? Surely that’s not even the full scope of it; I am forgetting the thoughts in between those ones, judging my thoughts, questioning everything, and then moving on to the next.

Breathe. The only way out is through, and we are going through this together.

Inhale. Exhale. No, seriously. Inhale. Exhale. I’ll wait…

You can do anything for ten minutes.

This sentiment was first said to me over the phone by one of my dearest friends, Jessica. We’ve been lovingly referring to each other as ‘wifey’ for fifteen years. She lives more than 700 miles away, and the day she said this to me, I was grappling with how I was going to meet with a funeral director. You see, my husband took his life in 2017, leaving me a widow at the age of 33. I was

crying into the phone to Jess, delirious with overwhelm and I couldn’t fathom the day’s task. Then she said, “you can do anything for ten minutes” and it clicked.

You can do anything for ten minutes. Then ten minutes again.

Then another. Focus on this ten minute section and nothing else. I have now used this seven word mantra more times than I could even estimate in the last three years, sharing it online to thousands of people. Many have said that it is their top takeaway from Finding Your Cape. These ten minutes are your sole focus, the next ten will take care of themselves.

This guideline is a simple way to bring yourself back to the present moment and when we are experiencing a tough time or even trauma, these ten minutes are sometimes all we can handle.

Heck, I use this in pretty much exercise class I’ve ever taken in the last three years!

Now, more than ever perhaps, we can use this as coping mechanism. I have revisited this tactic countless times since being self-isolated in my home and I have reminded many people of its power.

You can do anything for ten minutes.

Take a minute to connect to your breath. Inhale. Exhale. (I’ll wait again.) Feel the ground under your feet. Ask yourself what needs to be done in these ten minutes. Then get to it. When the ten minutes is up, give a self-high five. You did it! Now onto the next.

You can do anything for ten minutes.

This will also help those thoughts that go a mile-a-minute as I demonstrated in the excerpt from Finding Your Cape. Those tens of thousands of thoughts that go swirling around and around, especially when we are all cooped up in our homes, waiting out this virus. Or perhaps you are a frontline worker, this would also work well throughout the day when you are faced with such a terrifying unknown.

You can do anything for ten minutes. Then the next. Then the next.

Breathe. The only way out is through, and we are going through this together.

I’d love to hear how you use this tactic. Let me know!

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redheadmare

@Happily__Heather__After

In a time like this, it’s extremely important to validate, ground, set boundaries, and engage in selfcare.

About Heather I was born and raised in Reno, Nevada. I grew up camping every weekend of every summer in the beautiful Graeagle, California. The mountains have always felt like home to me and it’s where I feel the most grounded and alive. During the warmer months, you can always find me outdoors enjoying nature. I am also lucky to be part of an amazing family that I can never spend enough time with.

When I’m not outdoors or with friends and family, I love to read, cook, and spend time with my three dogs. I have a wonderful fiancé and we are hoping to be married in late September. I have been in mental health for eighteen years and have been a therapist for three years. Over the course of my career I have worked in various settings including residential treatment, private practice, forensic social work, and outpatient treatment. I graduated with my master’s in social work from the University of Nevada, Reno and am a Kappa Alpha Theta alum. I am currently living a few miles south of Reno in the capital of Carson City and am practicing as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and clinical supervisor at Vitality VIP, a CCBHC that provides a multitude of services including therapy, medication management, peersupport, case management, and more. I specialize in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and a trauma-based therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

What Is Going On… The world is facing a major crisis. This pandemic is something that none of us have gone through (albeit a few of us who may have lived through the flu of 1918). It’s traumatic for everyone, lives are at stake, and since this virus is so new, there isn’t currently any validated treatment for it. This virus has changed the face of the planet within just a few months.

Every aspect of human life has changed drastically including the way we practice hygiene, the way we obtain necessities such as food and other goods, the way we interact with other humans, the way we work (or don’t work), and even the way people practice religion has changed.

It’s not just our physical health at stake, it’s our mental health. People are experiencing trauma in

real time. Plainly speaking, people’s brains are going haywire. From a science perspective the amygdala is on fire. The amygdala is an almond-shaped mass located in the temporal lobe of the brain. One of its many functions is involved in managing the fear circuit in your brain. It is responsible for the fight, flight, or freeze response that causes you to respond to threats. This response evolved as a survival mechanism that allowed humans and other mammals to be able to react quickly to situations that threatened their survival.

Not only is the amygdala activated for a lot of people right now, but another part of the brain, the hypothalamus is also activated and sends messages to the adrenal glands. The glands respond by pushing the hormone epinephrine (AKA adrenaline) into the bloodstream. As adrenaline begins to circulate through the body, physiological changes begin to occur. This can include increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, rapid breathing, heightened senses, and even sweating.

All of this action going on in the brain can be overwhelming, scary, and extremely taxing on your overall mental health. On top of our fight-flight-or freeze mechanism being triggered, a lot of us are also experiencing grief. We are grieving the loss of employment, the loss of a loved one, the loss of personal freedoms to come and go as we please, the deterioration of our own health, loss of social connection, postponed or cancelled vacations/ events/weddings, the list goes on. Even simply watching the news and seeing such widespread suffering second-hand can be traumatizing. The impact of COVID-19 is far and wide.

Important Things to Consider During This Time In a time like this, it’s extremely important to validate, ground, set boundaries, and engage in self-care.

The first thing I do for my clients is validate them.

This is a scary time for everyone. We are living in uncharted territory and there is no playbook for how to respond to this pandemic. Normalizing these feelings, even though they are uncomfortable, is important. People can be extremely judgmental

towards themselves for not being able to “hold it together,” but the truth is, we are all human and no one is going to be able to “hold it all together” all of the time.

Secondly, as a DBT therapist I am a huge advocate for Mindfulness, which can be a very grounding practice.

There is so much science behind the effectiveness of Mindfulness in reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression. A simple google search of “benefits of Mindfulness” brings up a menagerie of scientific support. There are a few components of Mindfulness that I find myself bringing up consistently since the pandemic began. One of which is to stay in the present moment. When our mind wanders too far into the future for too long, we start playing the “what-if” game with ourselves. That is a game we will always lose, because we aren’t fortune tellers. We cannot accurately predict exactly what tomorrow will bring, so spending hours of anxiety fueled thought about it isn’t going to be very effective.

Mindfulness tells us that we are only in control of the present moment, and even then, we are only in control of ourselves in the present moment. It can be difficult to stay in the present moment, especially with so much information being thrown at us 24 hours a day, seven days a week through the media. Another Mindfulness technique I teach to my clients to help them stay in the present moment is meditation. Again, the benefits of regular meditation are numerous, and science has supported evidence that spending just 10 minutes each day meditating helps to develop the ability to be present and to better understand how we think and better manage our emotions. Personally, I use the app Headspace. It’s great for every skill level and takes you step by step through the process of meditation. The first few sessions are free and then you pay a monthly subscription, but to me the bang is worth the buck!

For financially conscious clients I recommend that they start with the first free sessions and then move to other platforms such as YouTube where you can find a plethora of guided meditations, which is really great!

It’s also important to set boundaries with how much information we are consuming. When we are glued to the news and social media that is all geared towards COVID-19, we keep ourselves in that fight-flight-or freeze state. Being in that state for prolonged periods of time lowers our immune system. It wears out our bodies and our minds. It’s important to stay informed and know the facts, but spending hours looking over news articles and reposting every tragic story of loss that you see isn’t very helpful or effective. Instead, I recommend trying to limit checking the news to a few times a day. For example, I check the national and local news once in the morning and once at night. It’s okay and important that you give your mind a break to rest.

Lastly, I always promote basic self-care. When we are in survival mode, we can easily forget our basic needs. Staying up on these basic needs not only promote good mental health, but they also promote good physical health. It’s easy for people to forget that your physical health and mental health are linked! Basic self-care includes things like staying hydrated, eating healthy meals, moving your body, and getting adequate sleep. It means setting up a routine for yourself, even if it looks different than before the pandemic, and sticking to it. It can include getting dressed in real clothes every day even if you’re working from home, engaging in athome workouts, or taking an hour a day to engage in relaxing activities. It’s going to look different for everyone but developing and maintaining a new sense of normalcy and routine can be vitally important to your overall mental health.

The Effect of Quarantine on Someone’s

Mind Isolation can be tough on mental health. As a species, we are wired for connection. We have always been a species that gathers and connects socially. Isolation can exacerbate any pre-existing mental health issues. I have already seen a sharp increase in a depressive and anxiety related symptoms. The most important thing you can do is stay connected. We are so lucky to be living in a digital age where were can reach out to others in more ways than ever before. Set up a zoom meeting and invite your friends for a virtual hangout, call friends and family on the phone, do whatever you can to keep that social connection.

How I’m Coping.

The pandemic has challenged me to be strong in practicing what I preach.

It has challenged me to grow individually and as a therapist. I’ve had to face fears and scary new realities like everyone else, and I’ve really leaned into my mindfulness practice, my friends and family, and my faith. I have a routine that really helps me stay on track. Every morning I wake up at the same time, and although I work from home, I put on work attire. I make sure to eat regularly scheduled meals and work to stay hydrated. Socially, I am calling friends and family daily, and this week will be starting a virtual book club with a few close friends. I am sitting with my emotions as they come and holding space for my grieving process. I am an extremely empathetic person so watching the world experience so much suffering and only being able to do so much has, for me, been one of the most difficult parts of this experience.

What do you think people in the world need right now to cope with this international issue?

Unity. Plain and simple, yet somehow so complicated.

We are not going through this experience alone.

It’s a collective experience and requires collective action to address it. This is not a time to promote hate, judgment, or divisiveness. This is a time when we as a species need to put our differences of race, socio-economic status, religion, political preferences, and anything else that typically divides us aside. We are all suffering, and we don’t have to do it alone.

The goal is to flatten this curve, and we can only do this by working together. I’ve seen so much unity and hope during this pandemic across the world. People in Italy standing on their balconies singing to their neighbors, healthcare workers from across the United States running to the aide of New York, grocery stores setting specific hours for our older populations to shop safely, breweries who have shut down starting to make hand sanitizer, and people all over making masks for our healthcare workers. We are in a dark time right now, there is no arguing that, but despite the darkness, there is hope, and there is light. We as a collective are the creators or hope, and we as the human race are the candles shining light.

staying with friends or other family.

The ability to serve others in a time of great need is also a huge comfort to me personally.

Living In An Unsafe Environment, with Abuser, etc. During Quarantine Create a safety plan: A safety plan should be created that includes ways to you can stay safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after you leave.

There may be limited room at shelters during this time so make sure to include alternatives such as

Self-care: Globally, this is already a highly stressful time, and living in a home where domestic violence occurs can be even more overwhelming. Taking the time to focus on your mental and physical health is vital.

Reach out: While many of us are homebound, the feeling of isolation may be even more intense and dangerous for someone living with domestic violence. It may be difficult to reach out to friends and family, but it’s important. If reaching out to friends and family is not an option, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is an incredible resource. There website offers information on how to create a safety plan, how to increase overall wellness, and has a 24/7 support line at 1-800-799-7233. They even have an option to text if talking is unsafe by logging onto www.thehotline. org or texting LOVEIS to 22522.

Having A Serious Mental Health Issue & Being Isolated I may sound like a broken record player here but connect and reach out. If you don’t already have a support network such a therapist, psychiatrist, or case worker, try and make one. Again, we are so lucky to live in a digital age where we can access mental health care from the comfort of our own homes.

Friends and family are another great resource here, however your needs may rise above the skill level of your friends and family. Its important to ensure that you are receiving the proper care, and a mental health professional is best suited for this. If you are having suicidal ideations the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a great resource and can be reached at 1-900-273-8255. A simple google search can also bring up local resources in your area. For example, a search of “mental health resources in Reno Nevada” brought up over fifty agencies. Most mental health agencies are offering telehealth currently, meaning you can receive services from your home via various approved digital platforms.

Closing Words This experience is like nothing we have faced in our lifetimes. It is uncharted territory. Even in the darkness, I am a helper. My main purpose in life is to serve others, and I feel so grateful to be able to serve my client’s during this time. My agency has worked tirelessly to ensure that we are available to support our community to the best of our abilities. It has been so comforting to see every member of my agency come together as a team and work to serve humanity. I have never been more thankful for my job. The ability to serve others in a time of great need is also a huge comfort to me personally. It gives me a sense of purpose within this chaos and the gratitude I feel for the ability to serve is overwhelming. Though we are walking a dark path, I feel so incredibly lucky to be able to be a light for others as we navigate this path together. As long as there are people in need of service, I will show up with my best foot forward.

@vaipatri About Vai

I am a singer, songwriter, producer and actress! I love staying fit, lifting weights and speaking out about mental health and sexual health.

My Diagnosis Story

Did you know that 80% of the world’s population has herpes? I didn’t. Prior to being diagnosed, I had no idea what HSV, more commonly known as herpes, was. I had no idea that there was no reason to feel shame, guilt, to feel dirty, unloveable. The societal

stigma that surrounds this very common health condition made me and so many others I’ve spoken to feel as if their lives are over. If you’re reading this, thank you for being a part of the solution, and not a part of the problem. Thank you for being willing to heal, seek solace, and debunk the myths.

Thankyou for helping me to kill the stigma that surrounds herpes, because it affects people’s health so much more than the actual condition. This is my story, and as always, it’s about a little more than just having herpes.

The first HSV outbreak is always the worst.

It mimics cold and flu-like symptoms, which is why the first outbreak is so commonly disregarded or mistaken for the cold or the flu. I had all the symptoms, and it also really hurt to pee, so I just assumed it was a UTI. I didn’t even think to look down there for sores, because I had no idea that I should have. During this time, I was in an acting class and was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a guy I had met in the class (lesson 100% learned: don’t shit where you eat). The week that I found out I had HSV, I

the hospital with me. When my ex came into the room and saw me in tears, he knew something was wrong and I knew that I had to confront him. There wasn’t much of a point in putting it off. During that time, I wasn’t sure if he had given it to me, or if I had given it to him. I ended up just blurting out that I had herpes - I really wasn’t sure how else to tell him. I told him my sexual history, and told him we were in this together.

The next day, we went to a planned Parenthood. It’s best to go to a clinic that deals with STDs regularly. This time I received a definite answer: “You absolutely do have HSV.” I had my sores swabbed, and my ex and I both got blood test results. My swab confirmed positive for HSV-1, but my blood test was negative. My ex’s blood test was positive for HSV-1. The nurse explained that this was fairly normal. When an individual contracts HSV, it takes about three to four months for the body to build up antibodies to appear positive on a blood test. She also explained that for this reason, general physicians and gynecologists almost never include the herpes blood test on the standard STD panel check up.

Your past does not define you.

You are stronger than your worst mistake. If you’ve recently been diagnosed with herpes, or HSV-1, or HSV-2, please know that you are not alone. You are all capable of greatness. had been moving to a different house.

I was overworked, wasn’t eating properly and hadn’t gotten very much sleep. I had just relapsed on an eating disorder I’d been battling on and off for years. During an acting class I had on that Thursday, I passed out because of how fatigued the initial outbreak symptoms were making me feel and because of how exhausted my body was already (fainting is not a normal symptom of the first outbreak). My class called an uber and I was taken to a hospital. The nurse took a look at my vagina. When she came back fifteen minutes later, I was for sure expecting her to say, “You have a UTI. But you’re going to take an antibiotic, and then you’ll feel better!” What I wasn’t expecting her, or anyone in my life to ever say to me was: “Ms. Patri… I believe you may have herpes.”

In that moment, my entire world seemed to shatter. I didn’t want to believe it. I never, in a million years thought I’d get a STD, like somehow I was invincible. I’d heard about herpes. I’d heard all of the stigma, remembered every terrible joke made on television, all the comments every kid all throughout highschool and college made about the STD. The very little self confidence that I had began dwindling down until I couldn’t feel even an ounce of love for myself anymore. I knew my relationship was emotionally abusive, toxic and all around terrible for me, but I somehow began to convince myself that I would never be loved again (not that I was loved then… I just wished I was) so, my ex was the best I could do. Many people that I speak with tell me the same thing, and have a similar story. I’ve heard: “I have herpes, so no one will ever want to be with me again.”

“I’m no longer capable of being loved.”

“I didn’t have any self confidence before, now I’m sure I’ll never have any.”

The nurse wasn’t completely sure, because she didn’t deal with STDs regularly. I couldn’t tell my family.. I come from a pretty conservative Indian family. My parents didn’t even know I wasn’t a virgin. It’s still not really anywhere near okay to talk about this in India, or in many parts of the world. My ex and my then friend were both at

The first two weeks after my visit to the hospital, my ex softened and became the boyfriend I’d always deserved. I’d never experienced him treating me so well. I thought to myself, “He’s finally changing… maybe it was good that we stayed together!” But then, just like most narcissists do, he switched. One night, he told me that “he would want to break up with me the next day, because I had herpes.” Uhm… hello?

We both had it. This is a perfect example of how not to treat your partner during this time, or ever, really. Soon, the entire acting class found out. Women I thought were my friends began spreading rumours behind my back. There was one girl in particular, I remember, who I’d really looked up to because of how much she “believed in supporting women”, who made me feel worse than everyone. I was already struggling with a breakup (I had to see this dude every week in this acting class I refused to quit because I thought I had something to prove… stupid, I know), had no self confidence, was being isolated and bullied, and to top it all, my ex was still playing mind games with me. I found out once I moved back to Arizona that he was the one who told everyone and initiated half the rumours, but he managed to blame it all on me. This brings me to my next point: NO one deserves to be bullied, for any reason, least of all having an STD. Oh, and also: Don’t stay in a relationship or in contact with a partner just because you have herpes and think you can’t do any better. It’s not true, you deserve better, and of course… easier said than done.

It was all too much for me to handle. I’d actually convinced myself that I could never be loved and that I was worthless. I had a blindfold on my heart and soul. I couldn’t see or think clearly, and it was horrifying. I wouldn’t wish what I had felt on my worst enemy. What came next was my rock bottom. I tried to kill myself, and if it weren’t for a friend, you wouldn’t be reading this. With the help of some of the kindest people I’ve ever met, with their unconditional love and kindness, I was able to navigate being thrown in the psych ward of the hospital and institutionalized for two weeks. I returned to my acting class, but thankfully my best friend Julia told me how crazy I was, that I couldn’t ever possibly grow in an environment that toxic and convinced me to leave. At that time, I thought, “If I can’t even survive this acting class, I have NO business moving to LA.” I was so wrong. Leaving all the people who were weighing me down, and blocking them all (including my ex) was the best decision I ever made. The process of growth and healing that began has shaped me into a stronger woman than I’ve ever been. I quickly realized I had to make up for lost time. I began going on road trips with friends I had managed to isolate, traveling, writing music, acting, going to the gym (endorphins are my best friend), and going on dates almost immediately. It had taken me awhile to get there, but somehow, after blocking my ex, that blindfold had finally come off after what was the worst year of my life. I knew I didn’t need a relationship, as I had planned on moving back home to stay with my family in Arizona and more importantly, needed to learn how to be alone, but I knew I needed to practice disclosure. I did believe I loved my ex, but I also realized that I stayed with him because I didn’t believe anyone else would want me. I had to prove myself wrong - and I did. I knew I had to forgive myself, because once the separation anxiety washed away, I realized just how much abuse I’d let myself endure from everyone. I listened to a couple mind blowing break-up audio books (“It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken” by Amiira Ruotola and Greg Berehndt and “Brutally Honest” by Mel B. were game changers) , and finally told myself: “Vai. It’s okay.

People can make you really crazy. Dating an emotionally abusive narcissist will make anyone crazy. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. This isn’t on you, it’s on them. The past is the past, and the future is yours.” I finally showed myself some kindness. In forgiving myself, I let go of the anger I felt toward my ex. I wasn’t just angry at him for giving me herpes, I was angry at him for everything. He still, to this day spreads rumours, but I don’t care. And that has made all the difference.

I moved back to Arizona and began speaking out about HSV. Today, I’m in an acting class that is much better, with supportive people.

I was recently signed to a SAG Franchised agency, and am about to release new music I couldn’t possibly have written without what I’ve been through. HSV does not define me, and believe me when I tell you, it doesn’t define you either.

Initial Feelings...

At the time I was diagnosed, I was already struggling with my self confidence. I had been in recovery from other destructive behaviors, such as my eating disorder. When I found out I had herpes, I felt the small amount of self confidence I had worked so hard for disappear.

A lot of the people I speak to tell me the same thing. In my head, there was a loop playing of every negative thing anyone had ever said about herpes, every bad joke on television, all the stigma, every stereotype around in my head. As Lissa said to Sadie when confronting her about herpes in Season 2, episode 10 of Awkward, I thought, “Who would want you now?”. I convinced myself that the guy I was dating, an emotionally abusive narcissist who was still in love with his ex girlfriend, was the best I could ever do. I thought, “Who else would so much as ever give me the time again? I’m dirty now. I’m definitely going to die without ever knowing what it’s like to really be in love, because now, there’s another thing about me that makes me unlovable.” This is a word almost everyone I talk to uses when they describe to me what it is they are feeling- and societal stigma is to blame. No one ever deserves to feel this way because they have HSV-1, which is why the stigma needs to die.

I know now, through my activism, that it’s not uncommon to stay in an unhealthy relationship for a variety of reasons. If you’re reading this, whether you have herpes or not, just know one thing: YOU deserve the best, and you do NOT need to settle.

How I got through beating the stigma and my fast deflation of self confidence took a series of steps and time. I can tell you that the first step was forgiving myself. Many people I speak to are initially very angry with themselves… it could be because they could have “avoided sleeping with the person who gave it to them,” as they weren’t disclosed to, or weren’t dating someone healthy, etc. Or they are angry with themselves for not being more careful. There are a vast number of reasons why people are and stay angry with themselves. I still haven’t forgiven my ex, or those that bullied me. I never will. However, in forgiving myself, the anger towards everyone dissipated. I realized I was angrier with myself than anyone else. As soon as I began to forgive myself, I felt peace I hadn’t in a very long time.

Because I finally realized, “Shit happens. This isn’t my fault. I was going through a lot, and I made decisions. I have to deal with this, figure out how to move forward in the best way, and forgive me.”

It didn’t matter who gave herpes to who. My ex could spread all the rumours he wanted to (he still does). It was my life to take into control.

I knew that I had to build up my self confidence.

The process began when I finally let go of my ex-boyfriend. Everyone has insecurities and unhealthy habits that they fight to overcome. I had to have an honest conversation with myself about what had always been weighing me down and what my insecurities were, so that I could work on them and build myself from the inside out. This was going to be a battle of me vs. me. I’d been toxic to myself for so long, I knew patience was required. I’d been putting myself

down, taking into account all the things my ex, toxic classmates and all of society had said. As soon as I blocked my ex out of my life for good, I knew I wanted to build myself to the point where I’d never let a diagnosis, or any one thing of my past define me. I began going to the gym, throwing myself in my acting and my music. I needed to reach my full potential. I needed to find out what the height of my abilities were.

Building this type of confidence is essential for anyone, but it’s incredibly essential if you’ve just had your self worth stolen by a health condition.

While herpes is NOT life threatening, the stigma that surrounds it is what can make it so difficult to deal with.

Even though I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship and knew that I needed to learn how to be content alone, I did go on dates - because I wanted to practice disclosure. Not everyone discloses, but because of what I went through with my ex, I knew how important it was. I never wanted to not tell a partner out of respect. If I’m being honest with you guys - I overcame the stigma little by little when I built up the love for myself. I never wanted to settle for a guy just because he was cool with the fact that I had herpes. It was incredibly terrifying to put myself out there again. I was afraid of rejection, being hurt (even though I promised myself I wouldn’t get into anything serious quite yet), however - going on dates again changed my whole perspective on having herpes. I began dating and found out that, in fact, there were people who did NOT care that I had herpes, because, get this - they were willing to get to know me, and once

they did, told me herpes wasn’t a deal breaker.

There were people who already knew that herpes wasn’t a big deal, that it was common, and weren’t threatened by it. There also were people who were extremely open to learning more, and once I had explained to them what herpes really was, didn’t care and wanted to continue seeing me. I was absolutely not expecting this.

As I said before, I was certain I was going to die without ever having another partner besides my ex. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely dealt with rejection a few times. I had dealt with guys that had ghosted me after telling them, or said yes initially but then were unable to, ahem, keep it up during sex because of how anxious they were.

The first two times, it hurt, but because I grew to love myself by fulfilling other areas of my life, I began to realize and now fully understand that the people who couldn’t see past herpes weren’t good enough for me. I realized that anyone who was worth my time would be, at the very least, willing to learn more and would continue getting to know me.

I had proved myself wrong, as many do. I was accepted more than I was rejected. Herpes or not, this was largely due to the fact I had finally begun to accept myself. What people had been telling me on the forums was true - I was going to be just fine. Not only was I fine, but a year later, I was stronger than ever.

The Change In Me.

I am a stronger woman than I was a year ago.

Being diagnosed with HSV forced me to confront and acknowledge many other issues and toxic patterns, such as my dating habits. It forced me to build a thick skin. It’s made me realize that no one can be defined by their past; we can only learn from it and become stronger. It’s made me realize that no one should be or ever be defined by having HSV-1, and to think twice about anything that has warranted this much stigma.

It’s also taught me how important forgiveness of self is.

Prior to being diagnosed, I had known nothing about STDs. Our educational system is flawed in many ways. One thing it lacks is proper sexual education. I respect those who choose abstinence, but schools need to begin educating young people about STDs and what they actually are instead of attempting to instill fear of sex.

The reality is, people have sex, and 80% of the world’s population has herpes. Most people will come into contact with an STD. Instead of teaching shame and guilt, we should teach the facts and disclosure.

How I chose to deal with what happened to me two years ago changed me for the better. I am constantly learning, growing, and dealing with my insecurities one step at a time. However, because I have overcome what happened to me two years ago, I know that I can get through anything.

I also realized that I am more than HSV-1, because I choose to be. I choose to grow, evolve, live passionately and build my self-confidence. I firmly believe that everyone is capable of that. I have recognized it is not my fault I have HSV-1.

I’ve forgiven myself, my past, and even though I do still have some very difficult days with my mental health, I work very hard on never shaming myself for HSV-1. When I began speaking out, I found out that so many people have it and are happily married or in an incredible relationship. I realized that society has it all wrong, and now I’m on a mission to change that.

Beginning to Recognize.

Prior to 2018, I had no idea what it was like to be truly alone, content, and proud of myself. I’m still on that journey today. After being diagnosed and being single, I made a pact to figure out how to fall in love with myself instead of looking for love in those who would never be able to give it to me. As I’ve said, being diagnosed left me with zero self confidence, so I knew building it up in the most indestructible way possible was highly important. There were other patterns in my life I began to recognize. For most of us, HSV-1&2 can seem problematic, especially at first, but it usually isn’t the only issue in anyone’s life. We all have a fight. The fight is what makes an individual. I recognized how much shame I carried somewhere in between being in the psych ward and blocking my ex after a series of angry messages. The shame was tied into my body image, how I felt about my personality, and how I felt about having HSV. HSV just brought all my insecurities to the surface, where I and everyone around could see.

Disclosing to people and being accepted showed me the truth: I was more than just someone with herpes, and that I didn’t have to be alone if I didn’t want to. Writing music, going to the gym, getting signed to a SAG franchised acting agency - finally reaching goals I had set resulted in me feeling good because of me. Not depending on anything or anyone else (emotionally) made me realize I was more than just someone with herpes.

Everyone has an image of themselves, and who they aspire to me. Fear puts out the fire of

passion. When you carry shame, you often carry a massive amount of fear. If you’re reading this and you’ve just been diagnosed, I’ll bet you’re in a lot of pain now, and that maybe you can’t quite see the image of who you want to be clearly.

First of all, know this: herpes is not uncommon.

You will not die alone. You are worthy, capable, and will be loved deeply for exactly who you are. I know everyone has goals, even if some are still trying to figure out what their passion is. It could be going to the gym and finally getting in shape, finally starting a youtube channel, diving into your art, getting a different job, etc. What are things you want? Achieving your goals will make you feel sexy, I guarantee it. You’ll begin a relationship with yourself, and experience that self love everyone’s always talking about. I promise you.

As much as being self confident and independent is important, it’s equally important to ask for support. There are various anonymous forums online and now there are quite a few sexual health activists on Instagram and Youtube. Don’t hesitate to reach out to them, or me.

It’s also important that everyone knows that they are capable of changing their perception and their life. You can change the people you associate with. You can find strength you didn’t know you had. Don’t linger too long in the past, because there is a beautiful life you’re missing out on. Your exes don’t define you, herpes doesn’t define you, your worst mistake doesn’t define you, and your past doesn’t define you. You define you.

Common Beliefs About HSV

All the information I am sharing with you has been obtained from medical professionals.

The biggest common belief is that no one will ever want to be with you because you have herpes. The truth is, people do understand. There are some assholes out there, for sure. However, I’ve found that there are a lot of kind, understanding, educated people out there as well.

Having HSV does not make you any of the derogatory terms society has used to describe those who have it. You don’t always get it sleeping around. I got HSV-1 in what I thought was my first time being in love. However, I want to stress that however contracted, there should never be any judgement.

Another common belief is that if diagnosed with HSV, the sores are constant. This is not true. People with HSV have outbreaks, and as

It’s made me realize that no one should be or ever be defined by having HSV-1, and to think twice about anything that has warranted this much stigma. It’s also taught me how important forgiveness of self is.

someone with HSV-1, I have only had three outbreaks in the last two years.

outbreak because of the stress the laser puts on your body.

Another common belief is that the chance of passing it on is 100%. This is not the case. There are so many precautions that can be taken.

Being on an antiviral can reduce the chance of spreading HSV-1. I am on valacyclovir. Using condoms, and waiting at least a week after an outbreak before having sex with your partner can also reduce the chance of spreading HSV.

Not all outbreaks are painful. The first outbreak is the worst. During the first outbreak, a person will experience cold and flu-like symptoms, as well as having a higher amount of sores than they will in future outbreaks. After this initial outbreak, outbreaks become less severe and less frequent. A person will not get cold and flu-like symptoms every time that they experience an outbreak.

Common Misconceptions About HSV

All of this information has been obtained from medical professionals.

There are two strains of the virus. HSV-1 and HSV-2. HSV-2 is more severe as outbreaks are more frequent and a person can have a greater amount of sores. HSV-1 will present as fewer outbreaks over time and less sores can be present with each outbreak. The same is true for HSV-2, however, outbreaks are closer together and are still more severe than HSV-1 outbreaks.

I’ve been asked many times if HSV-1 outbreaks are only oral, and if HSV-2 outbreaks are only genital. A person can have HSV-1 genitally or orally. A person can also have HSV-2 genitally or orally. It is possible to contract both strains of the virus. If your partner were to have HSV-2 genital active outbreak, and you were to perform oral sex, there is a chance you would contract HSV-2 orally.

A swab of the sore is the most accurate way to find out whether or not you have HSV-1 or HSV-2. Blood tests actually are not available on a regular STD panel. Most people don’t seem to know this. This is because blood tests can produce false positives or negatives. At first, I had a false negative. I had contracted HSV-1 so recently in my relationship that my body did not have time to produce the antibodies necessary for the test. This usually takes about 3-4 months.

Four months later, my test results came out positive. A false positive can occur if you’ve encountered viruses that are similar to HSV-1, such as chickenpox.

HSV-1 or HSV-2 can be given to you by a family member. Your mother can pass it on to you. If a family member has HSV-1 orally and they kiss you during an outbreak, it can be passed on.

You can contract both strains of the virus, but you can not get one strain of the virus in both areas (genitally and orally).

There is no known cure for HSV-1 or HSV-2.

There are supplements you can take to help, such as L-Lysine, which is an antiviral. My Instagram posts are constantly spammed by fake doctors who claim to have cures. Please do not contact them or buy the products they are selling.

Your outbreaks can be determined by stress, hormones, and immune system. I would suggest doing at least one thing a day that distresses you and building up the immune system. I recently found out that tattoo removal can induce an

Because the first outbreak mimics symptoms of a cold and flu, most people disregard it as just that and often don’t realize it is their first herpes outbreak. If an individual is experiencing these symptoms and has sores, it is important to get the sores swabbed at a clinic.

My Advice on Disclosure

Disclosure is incredibly difficult for everyone, and is another aspect that can be quite difficult.

By navigating on anonymous forums such as (https://pinktent.com/forum/), I had figured out how to establish some ground rules for myself.

1) Stay as calm as possible.

2) NEVER apologize.

3) Be informative.

4) Open the floor up to questions.

5) Be respectful.

Don’t worry, my first time disclosing, I broke the first two rules. I was very emotional and definitely apologized repeatedly. Tell your partner like you’d want to be told.

It’s never the first thing I say. I never say, “Hey, my name is Vai! I have herpes. So how was your day?”. I allow the person I’m with to get to know me. Whether it’s a hookup situation or a situation where I’m getting to know the person for a while, when things begin to head in a sexual direction, I disclose by following the rules I’ve listed above. The timing can be truly different in each situation. I once went on a first date with a guy, and we had such a connection that I told him before we even started making out. He ended up not caring that I had HSV. I also have told someone after a week of talking to each other, because I was unsure of where it was going to go, or because we were taking everything slowly.

When the time comes I say, “Hey, before this goes any further, there’s something I need to tell you. I get cold sores.” Usually, they say, “what do you mean?” And I respond with, “I have HSV-1.

I don’t know what you’ve heard, but it’s actually extremely common and I’m not currently having an outbreak. I know most people don’t say anything, but I want to tell you because I respect you. I’m also on an antiviral, so if we were to use a condom the chances of me passing it on to you are slim. Do you have any questions?” And usually, then, they either already know what it is or do have questions and need a little time to process. I’ve gotten the response, “Oh, those are really common. I’m sure I’ve come into contact with it. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone tell me though.” more than once. Because I have genital HSV-1, I usually tell a partner that they

If you’ve recently been diagnosed with herpes, or HSV-1, or HSV2, please know that you are not alone. You are all capable of greatness. don’t have to perform oral sex on me if not comfortable. I’ve had partners who haven’t cared about that either.

I understand that this can seem tricky for people who have oral HSV-1 or HSV-2. If you don’t currently have an outbreak, the chance of you passing it on is low. Those that I have spoken to that have oral HSV have told me they do what I do. They disclose depending on the situation.

Most of those who have spoken with me disclose before kissing someone, or after really getting to know someone. And good news - most people are so familiar with oral herpes that they have responded with “That’s okay, I don’t care” or “Oh… doesn’t everyone have that?” If they don’t immediately seem this accepting, be sure to give them all the information they need (that you’re on an antiviral, not currently having an active outbreak, etc.) and ask them if they have any questions. Disclosure doesn’t happen because people are afraid or don’t know how. I’ve had so many people tell me they were never told. As someone who speaks to people with HSV-1, I can tell you that those who now have HSV because they weren’t disclosed to are deeply upset and feel wronged. This type of conversation should be normalized.

It’s important for the world to know that most people do have herpes. It’s so common at this point that it shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

Is It Normal For You To Feel Shame?

Most people feel this way in the beginning. As I’ve explained, the societal stigma is largely to blame. I can tell you that what you’ve heard about it being nasty and making you a wh*** isn’t accurate. In fact, most of what you’ve heard isn’t accurate. This is incredibly common.

It is not life threatening. It can be a little annoying sometimes, but I promise that if you continue to focus on bettering yourself in all areas of life, you’ll realize the truth - that you are an amazing, beautiful human being who is capable of doing and achieving whatever they set their minds to, and that having HSV has nothing to do with any of that. No one person is defined by one thing.

Going Public About My Diagnosis Going public for me was an easy decision. As crazy as that sounds, I immediately knew that if I was going to have survived an emotionally abusive relationship, being bullied in an acting class (by adults, no less), and a suicide attempt, IT HAD to be for something. I had to speak out.

I had to be the voice of reason I wish I had.

Your mind plays games with you. When you are diagnosed with something that has such a terrible stigma attached to it, you tend to feel the stigma applies to you as well. I never want anyone to feel the way I did. I want for everyone to disclose without feeling their gut wrench. I want sexual health to be normalized.

Self-Care, Self-Care, Self-Care I do my best to practice self care. I’m a huge fan of going to the gym, because the endorphins really help. Every day, I am learning to separate what will only bring temporary happiness and what will bring me long term happiness. When I have a bad day, I let myself know that it’s okay to relax, take a break from social media and all the other tasks, and work on something that will bring me long term happiness. Speaking out has really helped with the acceptance of HSV as well. The amount of support I’ve received from everyone has made me realize that herpes really isn’t that big of a deal.

I remind myself that every day is a new day.

I’ve drastically changed my life before, so I know when I’m having a period where I’m struggling with my depression or borderline personality disorder, that I am capable of changing my life and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. It’s important to remind yourself that you are capable of more than you lead yourself to believe. Everyone argues with themselves innately. I do it so much sometimes I truly feel like I’m going insane. It’s time to put the bully that lives within all of us down.

Sexual Health Advice I strongly recommend that everyone take L-Lysine. It’s incredibly important to be

practicing self care. It’s extremely important to check in with yourself mentally, physically and spiritually. What do you want most for yourself?

Are you emotionally in the right headspace to be having a sexual and/or romantic relationship? Do you need time to build up your confidence? I recommend deepening the relationship you have with yourself. I let myself know it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be sensitive in a world where people are condemned for being sensitive, because that needs to change.

Having a support system is vital. You don’t have to tell the world like I did, but it’s important to tell someone you trust; it’s a lot to go through alone. If you don’t know anyone that you feel comfortable telling, you can access the anonymous forums like I did. You can also reach out to any of the sexual health advocates you find on social media. We’re here because we want to help you.

I binge watched countless videos on youtube and read countless blogs. In fact, that’s pretty much all I did for a week. I watched videos and read about herpes, abusive relationships, self-confidence, etc. Many people have shared their stories with the world, and I have found it incredibly therapeutic to listen. I recommend you do the same. It’s so important to understand that you are not alone in any of this.

If Your Partner Has HSV… If your partner has HSV, it’s important to be supportive and communicative with your partner. A lot of the same tips apply - it’s important to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Keeping a strong immune system is important, as well as keeping track of outbreaks. It’s important to refrain from sexual activity during an outbreak, and it’s best to wait a week after.

If you’ve just found out you’re seeing someone that has HSV, it’s best to ask them any questions you have and seek information from a medical professional if you have further questions. There are many ways to minimize the risk, such as using condoms and your partner taking an antiviral. It’s important that your partner and you have a safe space to talk about anything HSV related.

Closing Words To all of those who have read this, I am so grateful for you. Thank you again for being part of the solution. Your past does not define you.

You are stronger than your worst mistake. If you’ve recently been diagnosed with herpes, or HSV-1, or HSV-2, please know that you are not alone. You are all capable of greatness.

Let’s all work together to normalize sexual health, and the conversations that are a part of sexual health.

I feel proud that parts of this world are beginning to have these conversations. We must continue to be a voice for parts of the world where this is still frowned upon. The more we speak out, the more normalized HSV becomes.

Rae’s Empowering Journey & HSV Diagnosis Story @positive_results_us

www.positiveresults.support

Herpes is a lifelong journey that has led me down a road of self-discovery and I’m grateful for the lessons it has taught me, the people it has connected me with, and the passion it has sparked inside of me.

About Rae I’m a registered nurse, certified sex educator, and a yoga instructor with a big, big love for reconnecting folks with their body & sexuality!

When I’m not working at the hospital or slaying sexual stigmas and STI stereotypes, I’m outside hiking, biking, and paddling around Oregonenjoying life with my loving husband and adorable doggo.

My Journey & Diagnosis Story I was diagnosed with genital HSV-2 in April of 2016, after having unprotected sex with a casual partner I met through a dating app. I had a condom with me, but after an underwhelming conversation about sexual health and an exchange of “I’m good, are you good?”, we decided to skip the condom and go about our business. A few weeks later I found myself calling him to report that I had been diagnosed with herpes and asked if I had contracted it from him. He told me that he had never experienced an outbreak and that I probably got it from someone else...

From there, I immediately had to share my new status with the partner I had just started seeing. Not exactly a conversation I wanted to have with someone I was interested in, but it was necessary! I had potentially exposed him to HSV before I even knew that I had it. He was extremely supportive and understanding and had no trouble accepting my diagnosis. This was really hard for me to wrap my head around because I hadn’t even come close to accepting my own diagnosis yet....but I was relieved to have someone to lean on as I tried to pick up the pieces of my shattered identity and attempted to move forward. I was way too ashamed to share my status with my friends and family, so I kept my little “secret” from the rest of the world.

After nearly 2 years of keeping that information between my partner and I, it was starting to take

its toll on me. I was no closer to accepting my diagnosis and it was negatively affecting my mood, my energy, and all of my relationships.

Herpes wasn’t going anywhere so I decided to stop running from it and instead, face it head-on.

In November of 2017, I walked away from my safe, easy relationship with my boyfriend to work on the one I had been neglecting with myself. I moved into my own apartment and committed to spending the next 6+ months reconnecting to my mind, body, and spirit. Self-care became a way of living for me as I recharged and rebuilt a stronger version of myself. I meditated daily, read lots of books on self-acceptance, journaled, painted, indulged in self-pleasure, observed and explored my own body, and sorted through lots and lots of HSV research! This slow, intentional time alone afforded me the opportunity to process all of the feelings I had been sweeping under the rug for the past few years (not to mention absorb all the reassuring information about herpes I found through my research!)

Once I learned how to love myself (and how to manage my outbreaks), I was ready to share what I had learned about self-worth, body awareness, and navigating life after herpes with other babes who were struggling with their diagnoses. So

I created my own little online community and began to spread the knowledge I had gained.

Through education, sisterhood, and the sharing of personal experiences I was able to overcome my own issues with HSV and empower others to do the same!

What is HSV? HSV, or the Herpes Simplex Virus, is a virus that many people live with. Commonly, herpes is associated with visible sores and obvious lesions, but many individuals can be carriers of HSV without ever showing any symptoms.

When it comes to understanding the difference between HSV-1 and HSV-2, there are a few things to know! Historically, HSV-1 has been associated with oral outbreaks or “cold sores” and HSV-2 usually causes genital outbreaks- but this is not always the case! Recent literature shows an increase in HSV-1 related genital outbreaks because many individuals don’t realize that “cold sores” are herpes and the virus can be passed through oral-to-genital contact.

There is another common misconception that one strain of herpes is better to have than the other, but that further perpetuates shame and

stigma surrounding HSV! They are both common, incurable, transmittable (and manageable!) skin conditions that billions of people live with.

My Initial Thoughts Leading Up To Being Diagnosed The process of getting diagnosed was a doozy! I had atypical symptoms (no major lesions, nothing that resembled anything on the internet, and lots of thin, milky discharge) and even the nurse practitioner at my gynecologist’s office said “I don’t think this is herpes.” I desperately clung to her uncertainty, hoping it was nothing an antibiotic couldn’t fix... but a voice inside of me was screaming “this is totally herpes!”

A blood test (and a very impersonal voicemail from my gynecologist) would later confirm my suspicions. As soon as I heard the words “you have genital herpes” my world went dark. I felt dirty, embarrassed, ashamed, and full of regret.

My head was spinning with “what if...” and “if only...” scenarios, wishing for a chance to do it all over again. I thought that living with herpes meant that I would be alone for the rest of my life. No sex, no partners, no children, no one to process any of this with....I felt as if I had lost everything! And that I deserved to.

I held onto these fears and misconceptions for a long time because I had accepted them as facts.

That was how I thought the story went...get herpes, lose everything, die alone. It wasn’t until I started to do my own research and connect with other H+ people that I was able to debunk those misconceptions about life after herpes.

I discovered tons of H+ people living happily despite their diagnosis and what I realized was this: I could either fall victim to the stigma and the limiting beliefs I had about herpes, or I could choose to defy the stereotype and live a happy, pleasure-filled life.

I chose happiness and pleasure :) Lifting the Veil.

About 2 years into my diagnosis, I saw Ella Dawson share her story on the TEDx stage. She blew my mind! Her (very!) public disclosure and normalization of genital herpes was what inspired me to be another voice out there echoing the message that herpes happens!

At first I chose to take a more anonymous approach, sharing positive affirmations and self-love posts on my not-so-popular Instagram.

But it was there, through those posts, that I was able to start connecting with other folks living with herpes. Those connections helped me to see beyond just my diagnosis. As I continued to surround myself with other H+ people, STI advocates, sex educators, and body-positive crusadors, I started to realize I wasn’t just doing this to self-soothe anymore… I was actively working to slay the stigma and empower others to do the same. Being part of a larger movement, like normalizing HSV, gave me a sense of purpose and a community to be a part of.

The Many Beliefs People Have Towards HSV There are SO many beliefs that come with a herpes diagnosis, most of which are untrue and limiting! For instance, many folks believe they will have a difficult time finding sexual partners or that they will not be able to have children after contracting HSV! False, false, false! Loving

partnerships and childbirth are still very much on the table for individuals living with HSV. Feeling alone is another common misconception H+ people can experience! It’s estimated that nearly 80% of the global population lives with either HSV1 or HSV2...meaning that the majority of people on this planet live with some form of herpes (many of which don’t even know it because they are asymptomatic, have never been properly tested, or believe “cold sores” aren’t actually herpes!)

Unfortunately, abstinence-based sex education and healthcare providers historically do a poor job of providing sex-positive information or useful resources, leaving many individuals left to debunk these misconceptions on their own.

Misconceptions of Herpes Herpes is often synonymous with being dirty or promiscuous, but this is another tired, limiting belief that is often responsible for feelings of shame and a loss of self-worth.

Herpes can happen to ANYONE. Herpes does not discriminate against age, race, gender, or number of sexual partners. Hell, you can contract herpes even with the use of barrier methods!

(Remember, HSV is transmitted through skin-toskin contact and condoms only cover so much!)

People need to stop assuming that herpes only happens to “impure” or “reckless” people, because it can happen to anyone, anywhere, any time.

Self - Care After Being Diagnosed I found self-compassion through self-care!

Self-care is so much more than splurging on pedicures and indulging in life’s materialistic pleasures. Self-care is the intentional practice of tending to your own mental, physical, spiritual and sexual needs.

www.pilatesembodied.com

@pilatesembodied

About Emilie

I was raised in the Northeastern part of the country. The college I attended was 20 min north of Manhattan in Bronxville. After college I moved to NYC, where I lived for 15 years. Throughout high school, college, and through most of my 20s I was a theatre actor and quite passionate about pursuing acting as a profession. When I left NYC and moved to California, I was no longer acting. I began teaching Pilates in 2009 and moved to California to attend graduate school at the California Institute of Integral Studies. There, I received my MA in Integrative Health Studies with a focus on the health of sexual trauma survivors. Now I live in Encinitas, CA where I teach Pilates (currently on Zoom) and continue to educate myself on trauma and the important role of movement in one’s trauma recovery.

My Journey

When I was 8, throughout the entire 3rd grade year there was a little boy in my class who would relentlessly sexually harass me. There were no repercussions for him. He remained in my classroom all year, threatening to touch me, describing sex acts he was going to perform on me or me, him. These were acts I’d never heard of, but they scared me and I knew I didn’t want to be forced to do them. At first, I would respond to this boy’s taunts by running out of the school and hiding under a teacher’s car in the parking

lot. But I got in trouble for doing that and so I stopped. Without the option of flight due to fear and knowing that fighting back would result in punishment too, I repressed my instincts and my fear began to immobilize me. That year was the first time I consciously recall feeling unsafe in the world. With each state enabling the next, I experienced fear, immobility, and a lack of felt safety cycling through me, even after the original catalyst was gone.

That cycle finally hit a speed bump 5 years later when I began acting. Acting mobilized me physically and emotionally. Being cast in Shakespeare plays multiple times over gave me permission to rage and permission let my tears flow with abandon. I was Method acting before I knew what Method acting was. Some feelings were harder to access, some were at the surface, but all of the feelings were there inside me and when I expressed them, instead of being punished, I was praised. Acting was therefore my concentration throughout college. Once I graduated I moved to NYC to join the struggling actor-waitress cliché.

One night two boys, seemingly in their late teens, pulled me into the dumpster alleyway of a Manhattan hospital. There, they took turns raping me. Given their combined strength I could not flee, but fought back loudly enough that a man driving by heard my screams and became my savior that night. He rescued me and drove me

Establishing safety is the first step in a trauma recovery path that culminates with the restoration of a survivor’s power and control.

(and then carried me) to the safety of a co-worker’s apartment, where the guy I dated was crashing.

When my savior left so did the safe reprieve he had initiated. As I finished telling him what had just happened to me, the guy I was dating informed me that he did not believe me. He thought I was lying and had made up being gang-raped to illicit sympathy (!?), get his attention (!?), make him like me more (!?), etc. Being so disgusted by me, he refused to let me sleep beside him on his mattress on the floor (yes, a grown man who lived on the floor of an apartment that wasn’t his thought I would lie about being raped so that he would be my boyfriend). I did not call the police and I did not go to the hospital. Alone, I could not endure the inevitable, additional physical and emotional pain that each location would illicit. Encountering more doubt at a police station would be unbearable.

Despite a rape kit’s merits, having another foreign object inside me that night was more than I could cope with.

Not long after being raped I stopped acting: I couldn’t reliably memorize my lines any longer.

Trauma and chronic stress can damage the brain’s hippocampus, which is responsible for storing and accessing memories. The freedom I had initially and then for years experienced when on stage transformed into panic that I might go up on a line. When rehearsing I could still access my character’s feelings, but I couldn’t remember the damn line that went with the feeling and the disconnect would pull me out of the moment.

Without acting, I lost my outlet for unburdening myself of maladaptive, bottled-up feelings.

Rolling in like a fog, that familiar former cycle of fear, immobilization, and insecurity, encased me.

Eventually I started seeing a psychiatrist who, in retrospect, either did not have any training related to post-trauma recovery or was not utilizing that training with me. Even though she was not helpful, she was a woman and took my insurance and I didn’t know any better to look elsewhere.

It didn’t occur to me that some professionals providing therapy were not equipped to provide sexual trauma-related therapy. After hearing my story, I assumed that a professional who could not help me would tell me as much, but they didn’t.

For many years I bounced around among therapeutic professionals who would change the subject when I would bring up my past traumas. After my first session with each of these people, the sexual trauma was never discussed again.

class and with ease welcomed a stranger’s underarm in my face and peacefully listened to a group of pre-teens in my personal space as they laughed excessively loud at nothing funny, the calm state of my hyper- sensitive nervous system astonished me.

In the meantime, I had joined a gym. Two years after being raped, I started dating again and I wanted to feel more confident in my body so that my new boyfriend wouldn’t leave me. After taking each gym class, I would never return a second time.

With music blaring and the instructor on a headset competing with the music’s volume, the classes would overwhelm my senses.

The fast pacing caused me confusion and I couldn’t keep up with the instructor’s cues.

The classes would encourage competition amongst the attendants and the instructors would call out those moving too slow or not correctly following their instructions (me).

My head would be spinning afterward and I’d feel like an uncoordinated blob, not at all experiencing the confidence I was looking for. After many of the classes my baseline anxiety was ramped up. I was most keenly aware of this elevated stress once on the crowded subway, going home from the gym.

With all of the people smashed together, their chaotic noise and that of the train and conductor, my senses again became overwhelmed. For the entire ride home I would repeat to myself, “It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.” So when I got on the crowded subway after my first Pilates

The connection between Pilates and trauma recovery (discussed later in this interview) was not one I made until I had been teaching Pilates for years. Without yet experiencing Pilates on the equipment, I decided to become a Pilates instructor a month after my first mat class. Then the stars aligned for me. The famous Pilates studio and home of Joseph Pilates protégé, Romana Kryzanowska, True Pilates (formerly called Drago’s) in NYC was accepting new apprentices within a month’s time, by audition only. Brooke Siler’s very popular, long-running NYC Pilates studio, re:AB Pilates, granted me one-on-one sessions in return for front desk assistance so that I could learn the Pilates equipment and prepare for my True Pilates audition.

My decision to follow this career route was indeed impulsive. I needed to support myself and I needed to love what I was doing. The option that had always been the only option (acting), was no longer an option for me.

Through my Pilates practice I was offering my body the love, respect, and safety that had been abhorrently confiscated. That combined with my innate predilection to be of service to others, creating a career out this practice was literally a no-brainer: totally gut-guided.

Once I had finished my Pilates certification and had been teaching for some time I became aware that many of my clients also had a history of trauma. Given that pattern, I wanted to understand better the connection between trauma and Pilates. This led me to continuing education regarding somatic aftereffects of trauma. I got certified in Yamuna Body Rolling which helps improve circulation and release the excess tension trauma can create in the body’s uninterrupted web of connective tissue: fascia. My curiosity about the lasting physical and psychological effects of trauma intensified significantly when,10 years post-trauma, I experienced a flashback while getting a massage at a beautiful resort in Jamaica. Even though perfectly safe, I psycho-somatically reexperienced being raped. Never having had proper therapy, my body and brain had stored the memory of being terrorized in that alley. Once I returned to NYC, the flashback continued, but now was a flashback to the time immediately following the rape. All of the fear and constant doubts about my safety returned. I completely collapsed and could not leave my apartment. I could not teach. I was diagnosed with PTSD. Still, I was driven to understand how through my body (Pilates) I had experienced post-traumatic relief and then, through my body (massage), I resuscitated and relived a memory I believed no longer haunted me. This drive led first to self-educating (a constant now in my life), then a transformative retreat with Bessel van der Kolk, a certification in Surfilates, a

certification in Yoga for Trauma, beginning EMDR treatment and reiki, and enrolling in graduate school to study post-rape trauma and what it takes to heal.

Limiting Beliefs After Assault?

Oh yes, definitely many limiting beliefs.

What occurred when I was 8 created my belief that the world was unsafe.

The solution I came up with to manage the unsafe world was to stay quiet and stay small: I learned it was safest if I made myself invisible. When I began acting, my time in rehearsal and on stage was my time to be big and noticed, but everywhere else in life I preferred to remain hidden. Being raped further cemented my belief that the world was not safe. Since I was not hidden, but walking down the street at night when I was attacked, I believed then that I had stupidly exposed myself to the inevitable.

Establishing safety is the first step in a trauma recovery path that culminates with the restoration of a survivor’s power and control. The belief that I am unsafe in the world has been my biggest challenge in post-trauma recovery. Unsafe is a more familiar feeling to me than safe is and per the mere-exposure effect, our brains are hard-wired to gravitate to the familiar.

Establishment of safety in all domains of one’s life begins with establishing safety in one’s body. Feeling safe in one’s body begins with taking control of the body.

This translates to regulating one’s sleep, eliminating destructive behaviors around food and/or physical self-harm, attending to personal hygiene, and exercise. This is where Pilates becomes relative, not only because it’s exercise, but because it’s exercise that “begins with mind control over muscles.” Joseph Pilates original name for his method, ironically, was Contrology.

You Can Help Us By Believing Us

I had very little help after being raped. After being disbelieved by the guy I had been dating at the time, I was overwhelmed with relief when my friends believed me and offered support after I disclosed what had happened. But then, after telling one of my roommates − who was also a good friend and co-worker − she immediately moved out and stopped speaking to me at work. She and the guy I had been seeing shared their doubts with my other friends, who were ultimately convinced into disbelieving me and then chose also to distance themselves from me. Because of their actions my previously-established trouble with trusting others was reaffirmed. Only one friend, Eddie, believed me and supported me through that time. Because of him, I was able to remain living in NYC, obtain a new job, and find a new apartment. He was just one person, but sometimes just one person believing in you is all that you need. Friends and family of those who have endured trauma such as mine often feel unsure of how to help a trauma survivor whom they love. You can help us by believing us and then telling us you believe us. You can also help by believing in us and our ability to rebuild our lives.

Misconceptions

There are so many misconceptions about sexual assault that it is a real challenge to zero in on

of Justice found that while the number of rape and SA cases reported to the police was declining, these crimes were actually occurring in increasing numbers. In 2018, 24% of cases were reported to the police, down from 40% being reported to law enforcement in 2017. Conversely, the total incidents (reported to the police and not reported) of rape and sexual assault had more than doubled from 162,940 in 2016 to 347,090 in 2018.

one. The #metoo movement has shined a light on the misconception that sexual violence occurs infrequently. It actually occurs so often and is associated with such deleterious short- and longterm effects that sexual violence has been declared a public health problem both by the World Health Organization [WHO] and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC].

Another misconception is that which the #himtoo movement is based upon: that female victims lie about being sexually assaulted at such an alarming rate that more focus and protection should be given the men who are fearful of both being falsely accused and the subsequent ramifications.

To those men living in fear of such accusations: just prior to his Supreme Court confirmation, the most recent justice to sit on our country’s highest court justice was accused very publicly of rape; just last month, the man likely to be the Democrat nominee for President in this year’s election, was publicly accused of sexual assault; and our current president has been accused by multiple women of sex crimes and, a month prior to his election, was heard boasting on tape about committing sexual assault with impunity granted only to celebrities.

Meanwhile, the population with the highest PTSD diagnoses is women traumatized by rape. The disorder is developed in 32% all the way up to 80% of rape survivors.

The belief that false rape accusations happen in staggering numbers is a myth not supported by statistics. The majority of rape cases are not reported to the police, as evidenced by the #metoo movement and the high profile trials of Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein. In fact, the most recent crime statistics published by the U.S. Department

Of the rape and sexual assault incidents reported to the police, according to the RAINN and the Washington Post, an average of .06% end with incarceration. In 2019, 5% of prison exonerations were due to witness perjury or false accusation in rape or sexual assault cases, while 33% of exonerations were cases of homicide in which witness perjury or false accusation had occurred. Important to note is that the majority of the prisoners exonerated in these cases were wrongfully accused African American men, yet with the inclusion of Donald Trump and his son, Don Jr., the faces of the #HimToo have been largely privileged white people (Alan Dershowitz, Laura Loomer, etc). Also, in the exonerated cases of rape and sexual assault it was more often that the wrongful accusation came from an eye witness, not the victim.

Less than .24% of all rape and sexual assault cases incidents end with the perpetrator in prison. A not-for-profit in support of men who have been sexually violated, 1in6 estimates on their website that about .0005% of American men are falsely accused of sexual assault each year. They point out that far more men are sexually violated each year.

The 2018 National Study on Sexual Harassment and Sexual Assault found that 27% of U.S. women and 7% of U.S. men have been sexually assaulted and 81% of women and 43% of men experienced being sexually harassed. These are the numbers we need to reduce, and based on the numbers, these men and women, along with those in prison due to an unjust homicide conviction, should receive a majority of attention and support from the media, advocates, and general public.

Response to Assault & Healing Journeys

In her testimony at Harvey Weinstein’s trial, Dr. Barbara Ziv stated that it is a myth that “one can determine whether someone has been raped by

You can help us by believing us and then telling us you believe us. You can also help by believing in us and our ability to rebuild our lives. their behavior.” Each survivor’s response to sexual assault and recovery is influenced by numerous variables, such as: economic status; race; religion; support or lack thereof from their social circle, family, and community at large; access or lack thereof to resources; sexual orientation; disability.

Considering this, Dr. Ziv’s statement makes perfect sense. Considering this, a survivor’s ability to heal is not solely determined by his, her, or their efforts.

There is work to be done by those who the survivor chooses to tell. Believing the survivor (because our society largely will not), telling the survivor as much and assuring them that they will be supported, and then following through on that assurance is the work of a survivor’s confidants.

To the survivor, your healing journey will be unique and it is best to begin it as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more challenges you may face in your recovery. There is no universal blueprint to follow which will assure you relief. However, there are common components in everyone’s recovery.

Those being: establishing safety across all domains; empowerment; with grace, showing yourself the compassion and kindness with which you deserve to be treated; mourning the losses endured because of the trauma you lived through; allowing yourself the emotions you feel and defining healthy coping strategies; learning how to trust others and discerning who will receive your trust; reconnecting with people, new people and those you may not have included in your recovery process, but who care for you and you, them. Therapy is but one element in recovery, but an important one. Not all therapists nor healthcare professionals in general, are traumainformed. Finding the person who can truly meet your needs might take time, but it is well-worth it. Unfortunately, not all therapists, social workers, counselors are going to be good at their job. Not all of these providers have the capabilities to work with sexual trauma survivors. This is their loss, because it will mean they don’t get to know you and join you as grow into health and fulfillment.

Dating Again

2 years after I was raped I began dating and ended up being in a relationship for 5.5 years with Chris.

Very soon after realizing he and I were becoming more than casual, I told him what had happened to me. When I told him that I lost all of my friends because they didn’t believe me, he responded saying he believed me and wouldn’t be friends with anyone who didn’t. Because he took good care of himself, I had someone to mirror. Because he was in such good shape, he providing me with a sense of physical safety which I didn’t just want, I needed.

With the safety Chris provided and the gentleness with which he treated me, I actually did not have trouble when it came to being physical with him. I knew that he would respect my boundaries and if I

needed to stop, which sometimes I would, he would and then he’d hold me. Like with Pilates, I had a gut-feeling about Chris and over time his words and actions became overwhelming evidence that my gut was correct in discerning that Chris was safe and would keep me safe.

When Chris and I broke up and I was alone again, I was confronted with fear and lack safety in going out and being on my own in the City. It was not a good time for me and I realized I wished I had been further along in my recovery before meeting and committing to Chris. In hindsight, I also wished that I hadn’t sidelined my recovery as much as I did while I with him. I relied on him and his presence for safety, comfort, soothing when I needed to be creating those things on my own, within me. In many ways, when Chris and I ended our relationship, I had to start over in my recovery. I need to find a therapist better suited to me, because for those 5.5 years I was on and off with therapy and it was never very productive. I would recommend to other survivors to, even though it’s hard, to do the work you need to empower yourself and meet all your needs yourself before beginning a romantic relationship. I took the easier route, but I paid for it.

The Importance of Bringing Awareness

Perpetrators of sexual violence rely on the stigma surrounding sex crimes and our culturally tendency to not talk about such to get away with sexual assault and rape, and they do. People with platforms, the media, celebrities, politicians, etc. have a responsibility to the men and women living with sexual trauma to talk about us and educate the public about what we go through, our many challenges. When we start talking more and staying silent less about sexual violence, when we can move it into the center of more discussions and dispel the implicit and explicit rape myths alive and well in U.S. culture, we give a voice to the voiceless.

Suspending our silence about this subject will make it harder to commit rape and SA and get away with. If we see someone being mistreated, doing something about it is how you can make the world a better place. People mistreat other people because they can. By speaking up and saying “We see you,” we pull sexual predators out of the shadows where they thrive and we put them and their actions in the spotlight. Sexual violence cannot thrive in the spotlight and it’s all of responsibility to put it there.

Trauma- Informed Pilates

As a survivor of sexual trauma, I welcome and embrace working with other survivors who would like to develop or deepen their physical and mental resilience and empowerment. I am certified in Trauma-Informed Yoga, but Pilates has spoken to me and been an integral part of my healing process

since shortly after I was assaulted. This is what has soothed and centered me, as well as other survivors in the Pilates community, and is therefore primarily what I offer. Survivors can choose to have their one-on-one session either in-studio, in the privacy of their home, or online. Informed by survivorfeedback (verbal, visual, etc), using both mat and equipment-based Pilates as well as complementary modalities, we will most likely prioritize regulation of the Autonomic Nervous System. Lessening the Sympathetic Nervous System’s (fight or flight) domination over the body-mind at a deliberate pace allows the survivor to take charge of their choices with clarity, instead of being driven by fear.

In the sessions I am always mindful of the 6 Pilates principles: Centering, Concentration, Control, Precision, Breath, + Flow. Introduced incrementally, I’ve found these principles to be conducive to nervous system regulation, survivor self-knowledge and empowerment. The attentiveness to the body that grows out of use of these principles subtly builds with continued practice, honoring both a survivor’s need to progress with support, not force, and the healing that takes place as we learn to care for our post-trauma body-mind.

Trauma-Informed Pilates is offering Pilates through a lens which acknowledges the existence of trauma, globally and individually. A trauma-informed Pilates instructor recognizes and understands the presence of trauma-related physical and emotional symptomology. This includes an understanding of trauma’s neurobiological effects.

Trauma-informed Pilates instructors are aware of how survivor sociodemographical characteristics and social perceptions of psychological trauma and certain traumatic events can influence a survivor’s adaptation to life post-trauma. These instructors understand that due to the multitude of variables which impact a survivor’s reaction to and recovery from trauma, each survivor’s needs within the Pilates instructor/survivor relationship are unique.

Trauma-informed Pilates is a means by which trauma survivors can reestablish a safe relationship with their body. Through the mindfulness of Pilates, survivors begin to note and become empowered by the control they have over how their body moves and feels. Utilizing this emerging physical selfawareness, as catalyzed by their Pilates practice, survivors can begin to develop self-regulation techniques which they then learn how to utilize independent of anyone else but themselves.

These are techniques to relax the body-mind and relinquish fear’s control over it, allowing the survivor to live in the present moment while beginning to interact with and trust others.

@AaronSh11

@AaronSharma11

@aaronsharmmaofficial

https://www.linkedin.com/in/aaron-sharma-cip-3a58654b My Mental Health and Childhood Sexual Abuse Story: https://www.facebook.com/AaronSh11/videos/2687001918085062/

AaronSharma11

If you are living in silence, please know that there are people out there who share your pain. You are not alone. There are people out there who understand what it feels like to live with the lingering pain of childhood sexual abuse.

About Aaron

I was born in Vancouver, BC Canada, raised in Surrey, BC where I spent most of my childhood, adolescent and adult life and it’s where I currently reside today. I am the eldest of four male siblings from my father’s second marriage with my mother and lucky to have two older male siblings who I have an excellent relationship with from my fathers first marriage.

My ethnic background is Indo-Fijian and my current values, morals and beliefs are inspired largely in part by Sikhism. However, Christianity has been around inconsistently for most of my life through prayer, influence and advice of my mother, who is a Christian, once through my pasture who departed a couple of years ago, and other members of the church who played a crucial role in helping me get through the most difficult times in my life as a young teenager and adolescent. Until this very day, Christ will cross my mind when in hardship, and I’ll read phrases from the bible once in a while to keep the curiosity in me still going. I married the love of my life in 2014 and together we share a beautiful son and are expecting a second child, another boy this Summer. My little family is single handedly my life’s biggest blessing. I’m incomplete without them. I’m also celebrating seven years of sobriety which is my life’s biggest achievement. Living with Sobriety has changed my life in ways I could have never imagined.

It opened new doors and allowed for new and healthy relationships to come in and blossom; relationships that filled in voids that I was missing, and yearning for in my life, for as long as I could remember. Relationships that continue to understand, value, cherish, adore, support, help, listen and respect me unconditionally all without claim, judgment, preference, privilege, and conditions until this very day.

Sobriety has also blessed me with a career and education. I’m currently employed as an Adjuster for a Crown Corporation for the Province of British Columbia and currently awaiting my convocation ceremony later this year where I’m expected to graduate and receive my Chartered Insurance Professional Designation from the Insurance Institute of Canada. This academic

achievement will sit next to two vocational diploma’s that I currently hold from International Career School Canada; in Business Management and Police Sciences (Law Enf. & Prot.) w/ Highest Honours. Currently, I’m a returning student at Kwantlen Polytechnic University working towards my Criminology Degree after leaving it incomplete a decade ago. Depending on where I am in my career post degree, the long term plan will either be to use my Criminology degree in conjunction with my CIP designation towards my aspirations to move into a role within the Special Investigations Unit in the Property & Casualty Insurance Industry, or use it to get into law school. Finally, and last but not least, I’m currently enrolled at the University of British Columbia’s Sauder School of Business’s Real Estate Program working towards my real estate license. The five-year plan is to sell residential real estate part time with my spouse in addition to my current career as an adjuster, all while aiming to be the best father and husband I can be, while in school working towards my Criminology degree. Lots of aspirations to work towards but most importantly, these are realistic, and manageable goals that I have permitted myself “to look forward to”. Anyone who is in remission or in the management phase free of consistent mental health symptoms leading up to remission, understand that one of the most critical thought processes to get you through and ensure your recovery is sustainable long term, is to have something “to look forward to”.

I‘m also passionate about giving back to the world and helping my neighbor in any way that I can. Without going into much detail, I’m a child sponsor, a blood donor and as some may call it – a mentor, supporter, inspirer, advisor, activist for people dealing with substance addiction and mental health issues. My favorite thing to do during my downtime is to spend time with my son. Additionally, I enjoy creating and editing video footage of content that matters most to me including using my hobby to help others.

For instance, I’m currently working on a video project with fellow sexual abuse survivors where collectively the participants will share their experiences with sexual abuse. I’m a movie buff,

love to play and watch basketball, and like to video game occasionally. I’m a vegetarian and I love to meditate. I’m a sucker for knowledge and love to learn. I’m intrigued by new oceanic discoveries and fascinated by discoveries in and outside our solar system. The idea of potential life on another planet keeps me extremely interested. I take risks and considers myself humble and outspoken. I intend on traveling and visiting historical places, experience the great outdoors such as fishing, snowboarding, river rafting etc. and do something daring that gets my adrenaline going such as bungee jumping and skydiving. Although the opportunity has not presented itself to fulfill these bucket list desires due to trumping issues throughout my life, what I know for sure is now that I’m transitioning into emotional intelligence, coming out from the other side of darkness and living my truth, connecting with my spirituality and applying self care and feeling the effects of empowerment and liberation, I believe as I continue to heal, the opportunity to experience life at it’s fullest and fulfill these bucket list desires will naturally come my way.

Finally, I am a survivor – I am a survivor – I am a survivor. I survived childhood sexual abuse, I survived substance addiction, and I’m surviving mental health issues. On February 18th, 2020, I laid it all on the line when I revealed my story with childhood sexual abuse and mental health to my audience and the response was amazing but most importantly, for the first time in my life, I felt true empowerment and felt a feeling of liberation that I have never felt before. So when I say “I’m a survivor”, I say that proudly, out loud, and with pride. Not proud for having endured the hardships but proud because I overcome it my way and on my own damn terms without the influence of fear by stigma. Proud of myself for my resiliency and removing the mask that had been weighing me down, all my life. I have endured physical, emotional, and psychological pain and trauma as a child which evolved into anger, resentment, rebelliousness, self blame, heartbreak, self ridicule, self sabotage, lack of confidence, self esteem issues and self harm and much much more as an adolescent;

which evolved into substance addiction as an adult which later evolved into issues with mental health. Although the manifestation of my mental health issues was not realized until after my first child was born, my team of counsellors and doctors are certain that mental health is something I have been dealing with subconsciously for most of my life. Let it be known that I have no regrets. If anything, I’m fortunate, grateful and blessed for where I am today which wouldn’t have been possible without liberation. The battles have chiselled the human being I am today.

My Story.

I’m a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

I was sexually abused on and off from ages 7-14 by a male perpetrator. Before, during and after my sexual abuse I was also dealing with domestic issues at home. My dad had issues with substance and physically and emotionally abused my mother. Although as children I don’t recall my father ever abusing myself and my siblings, the vicarious trauma that I sustained as a child from witnessing my mother being physically, emotionally and verbally abused, the trauma that resulted from psychological and emotional abuse caused towards me by my father during my childhood and adolescent life, all would work simultaneously with the trauma of my childhood sexual abuse and would give rise to substance addiction and the manifestation of mental health issues two decades later. As a teenager, adolescent and adult, the spiral of my addiction always stayed constant because it was filling in a void that had been stripped away from me from a very young age. Little did I know, I was filling in this void with something toxic and this toxicity was masking my unresolved trauma and before I knew it, I was encompassed around a spiral of drugs and alcohol, organized crime, problems

with the judiciary, multiple partners and sexual relationships. All of which introduced its own set of hardships and different elements of trauma that aggregated towards self destruction.

Without getting into the details, I was 7 years old when I was first sexually abused. During my abuse, I recall being petrified and feeling helpless, confused, and tried to contemplate what was happening to me in the moment.

When the same perpetrator abused me again at 10 years old, the feelings were no different than the first experience. However, this time the emotional and psychological response had been amplified. Although I felt petrified and helpless during the abuse, I came out of the experience feeling incredibly confused because now I was contemplating my biological response – I had been aroused. It was this confusion that led me to tell an adult about what had happened.

Someone who I trusted. I reached out to this adult not because of the perpetrators imposition, not because of the “sexual act” forced upon me, at that age I had no idea what sex and other sexual acts consisted of, but because I had an “undesired” biological response that led me to question if the forceful nature of the act and biological response, was “normal”. Was this something that normally occurred to children like myself? Was this happening to my peers at school? Does having a biological response mean I enjoyed it? How was it that I had a biological response yet feeling petrified and helpless?

Unfortunately, what would happen next would change my life for decades to come. The adult that I reached out to did not inquire, did not investigate further and did not get to the bottom of what had happened. For a child who was confused and looking for the answers to these questions had been indirectly told by the adult’s failure act that what this child was experiencing

was unimportant because it was “normal”. That is how I perceived it. The fact that an adult, someone you would figure is in a position of awareness and understanding, did nothing, would torment my psyche and open me up to questions that would haunt me for two and a half decades.

Battles that included questions and answers like: »» “Why didn’t the adult do anything about it?”

“Did the adult even believe you?” - “No, you weren’t believed at all and that’s why nothing was done about it.” »» “Am I gay? Am I bisexual?” - “You must be either one because you had a biological response when abused by someone of the same gender.” »» “Did you give the perpetrator a reason to force himself onto you? Was it your fault?” - “Yes, you gave him a reason to like you in that manner, so it was definitely your fault.” »» “Could you have prevented the abuse?” Yes, even though you were so young, and wasn’t in a position of awareness and understanding, you should’ve been able to use your masculinity and scream out for help.” »» “Will anyone believe you if you tried to tell someone?” - “You already tried telling someone you ‘trusted’. What makes you think the next person you trust, will believe you?” »» Would your male friends abandon you if disclosed that your perpetrator was a male?

“Yes”. Would you lose your popularity? “Yes”.

Would you be marginalized? “Yes”. Stigmatized?

“Yes”. Would you be looked at less of a man?

“Yes”. Would your intimate relationships leave you if they found out? “Yes”.

These are the types of mental battles I have had to live with and that’s not even scratching the surface. The self defeating and self sabotaging answers to these types of questions would be the reason why I would never tell a soul about what had happened again for two and half decades.

Over the next couple of years, I would remain confused about my sexuality. I couldn’t wrap my head around where that biological response came from. My first experiences with the opposite sex introduced itself in elementary school. It all started with a spontaneous kiss on the cheek towards the end of the grade 5 school year. I can still see her running away in excitement after kissing me on the cheek like she had just stolen something. Little does she know, this experience introduced me to child like feelings that I never experienced before. For the first time I was feeling flattered, I felt like my face was turning red, my heart was racing, I felt excited and happy yet shy and nervous at the same time. Little did I know, I was experiencing the effects of an immediate childhood crush. Before the start of the grade 6 school year, she wrote me a letter letting me know that her parents had decided that they were going to move out of province and that she would never see me again. It was here I felt sadness for someone who I adored.

Someone that I knew I would never see again.

However, what stood out to me the most about this experience was that my feelings towards my first crush, was something that I enjoyed.

It felt honest and genuine. However, now I was even more confused because on one side of the coin I had an undesired biological response because of a sexual act forced upon me by a male perpetrator and on the other side of the coin, I was experiencing desire for the opposite

sex that I enjoyed. These feelings evolved over the course of the grade 6 and 7 school year leading into graduation. Without going into detail, in this time I experienced more childhood crushes towards the opposite sex, I shared my first kiss with my crush, and I found myself being called a her “boyfriend”. She even was my first slow dance at the graduation party. Naturally, I had other crushes and found myself in many situations during my tenure in elementary school where I had been stimulated by the opposite sex. Never towards anyone of the same sex. It was at this point I had discovered something about myself through these experiences, that I was attracted to the opposite sex and that my attraction for the opposite sex was something that welcomed. However, this was not enough to rid the tormenting question I was living with; How was it I got aroused if I was petrified and helpless? Fast forward 2 decades later where now that I have gone through extensive therapy, I understand that I was going through puberty and that the arousal that I had experienced as a result of my second abuse could’ve been stimulated by anything or anyone regardless of age, gender or relationship. Compared to my first abuse where I felt no arousal at all, the sensitivity of just being touched on the genitals by anyone or anything, could have stimulated me.

It was a natural biological response. Of course, around that age I did not have the awareness that I do now so It would continue to haunt me.

Unfortunately, my experiences in elementary school reinforced the failure of the adult who I reported my abuse to. The adults failure “normalized” my abuse and now that I was in elementary school having been kissed on the cheek, then sharing a kiss with a crush, further normalized my abuse and I started to believe that what had happened to me surely must’ve been happened with other kids around me. So, it was okay. It was “normal”.

Between the ages of 10 and 14, I would be coerced and sexually abused occasionally. At this point it felt like I was living in petrophilia everyday. I was still very confused and lost. I went into the middle school year believing that what I had experienced as a child and in elementary school, was completely “normal”. Although this thought process didn’t get rid of what I was feeling internally. I figured my classmates had endured some sort of sexual abuse and I started working towards accepting that It was a normal part of a child’s life. I gained popularity very quickly because of my athleticism and I started getting noticed by my peers and was introduced to other popular kids at school. I got more involved in extra curricular activities and made the cut for a AAU basketball team. I found myself engaged in locker room talk between my male counterparts. They would talk about the girls that they liked, dated, who they engaged in sexual activity with. They would describe the details of the sexual act and this started to sound awfully familiar but nowhere would there be any mention of “force”, “coercion”, “undesired arousal”, “feelings of violation”, “confusion”, “shame”, “guilt”; I didn’t hear anything that indicated to me that what my peers a) experienced these activities earlier in their lives as children and b) that there was any application of “force” involved. Everything I was hearing by numerous classmates was that the sexual activity was consensual by both parties. What was interesting to me about these types of conversations was

So when I say “I’m a survivor”, I say that proudly, out loud, and with pride. Not proud for having endured the hardships but proud because I overcome it my way and on my own damn terms without the influence of fear by stigma. that the males seemed to be only experiencing sexual activity for the first time. I was now starting to become aware and started suspecting that what I endured may have been “abnormal”.

As I continued through the school year, I started playing basketball with the elder kids and though my engagement with them, I discovered that they were all having sex. I couldn’t just ask them flat out if they had been abused as a child because no one was talking about it. But what was interesting, when I told them my experience with the opposite sex as early as 11-12 years old, they thought I was some sort of deity. It was at this point I knew that what had happened to me was in fact “abnormal”. Possessing the realization of “abnormality” was enough for me to escape my perpetrator. Unfortunately, I couldn’t speak to anyone about it and so I held it in.

Shortly after my abuse ended, I began to use alcohol and drugs to mask my childhood abuse and to avoid dealing with my mental health. I found myself questioning my sexuality due to the sexual abuse. I was in and out of relationships.

Some were long and some short. The long intimate relationships with woman that I really cared about would eventually run its course and lead to my heartbreak. I always needed someone.

Someone to show me love and affection, to care about me, to have someone I can call, talk to, cry with, spend time with. These yearnings had been stripped from me because of my childhood. The internal pain of these breakups, in addition to the masking of my childhood trauma, combined with the use of alcohol and drugs would be the perfect mixture to send me into recklessness. I dropped out of high school and fell into a dark world of organized crime. During this time, I found myself getting into trouble with the law.

Through this darkness I would inflict physical pain on myself. “Battle wounds” as I call it today for the self-inflicted cuts and cigarette burns left on my body. However, I still had people in my life who had influence over me, specifically my grandfather. This was a man who took care of my as a child and who I shared my happiest childhood memories with. After seeing my grandfathers anger, frustration and tears over the lifestyle I had found myself in, I was able to build the resiliency to escape this world and go back to high school and graduate with honors and receive a scholarship. I continued my education and upgraded the necessary courses to get into university and I did. I had made it. Unfortunately, this didn’t mean that my unchecked trauma had dissipated. I still found myself using drugs and alcohol recreationally while in University. Then

in 2009 the most important man in my life, my grandfather, who had been a father figure in my life in absence of my father, passed away.

His death rattled me. You see, he made me feel like how a child. I have a 2-year-old son today and I see how much my grandparents love my son, how much they spend time with him and I see how attached my son is to my in laws. My relationship with my grandfather was the same.

My memories with him was the only thing I recall being the best part of my childhood. I was always excited to hang out with my grandfather and super excited when I could sleep over at my grandparents. His love was unmatched. He taught me prayer and taught me the ways of Sikhism.

Today I am a vegetarian who considers himself moving towards the life of Sikhism. His tears of disappointment would be enough to want to escape the dark world and go back to school and graduate. He saved my life. I witnessed him take his last breath and felt his love and prayer as he gazed at me shortly before departing. His death became unbearable to handle and so I used substance more and dropped out of university and fell into a downward spiral of addiction to the point where I damaged relationships with family members and lost all my friends. The only people that stuck around were those that found common interest with my substance use.

My relationships with these so-called friends were meaningless. But through this tough time a miracle happened. I met a woman who I became close friends with. Who saw my struggle and stayed by my side even when nobody else did.

We eventually decided to take our friendship to the next level. However, she would enable me, and this was no fault of her own as that’s the effect my addiction had on her. She did not know any other way to help me. She was so deeply in love with me, that my toxicity caused her to stay.

Her constant worry of whether I would wake up dead caused her to check up on me most nights to make sure I was still breathing. I would drain her to her last dollar. Use up all her resources for my own selfish gain. She loved me so much that she would put herself at risk just to feed the demand of my addiction. She sacrificed her credit and lost her job because of me. As my substance use evolved to everyday use, I became more isolated, more depressed, spent a lot of nights drunk not remembering what happened the next day. Now at 25 years old, I had found myself in trouble with the law again and it would be through this experience of self reflection that I had realized that If I kept up with my lifestyle that I would die, lose the one thing that meant the world to me, the woman I loved and

most importantly, end up just like my father. So, I decided to take charge of my life and moved out under my mother’s care and move out on my own. This would be the loneliest time of my life.

I had no friends, not a dollar to my name, nothing to look forward to, no goals and aspirations, no job. I was a loser and yet this woman who I created so much hardship for, would continue to stay by my side. She saw something in me, that I had not seen in myself yet. While living alone I still drank but I started thinking about getting sober and clean. I knew I couldn’t just quit. I didn’t have the right mental makeup to quit.

So, I started training my mind. I started reading, visualizing, self reflecting, applying gratitude, I started mapping and planning out my goals and aspirations for the next 5 years and before you know it I quit smoking. This was the first test. A year later I found it in me to start my sobriety.

Fast forward present day, I’m 7 years sober and 8 years nicotine free. Over the course of the next 5 years I would go onto accomplish everything that I wanted to achieve before I sobered. Career, marriage, bucket list items such as a dream car, spirituality, education and fatherhood.

A day after reporting my abuse to the police, I set out to do what I intended on doing for the past year. To reveal my mental health and childhood sexual abuse to the public. I had been preparing for a year for this moment. Piggybacking off the emotional experience I endured the day before at the police station, I got my selfie gear ready, purchased and editing software and began to record. I figured that If I were to reveal my story, that now was the time. I was already extremely emotional and in extreme distress, but I still had fight left in me. I knew that there was a risk of me falling into a vegetative state after what I had endured and the last thing I wanted to do was hold off on the reveal to get my ducks in a row to deal with the residual effects of the police station experience. The time was now. To get it all out while I was extremely vulnerable.

I recorded for 12 hours. It was extremely hard.

And on Tuesday, Feb. 18th, 2020, I revealed my story to the world. For the first time in my life, I felt pure freedom. Free of pain and torture.

Free of agony and anguish. Free of the darkness that was hovering over me for 25 years. And the level of support was something I truly wasn’t expecting. I was extremely overwhelmed by all the love and support and I tried to take it all in the best way I knew how. I had a lot of reading and acknowledging to do. Going off topic, months before my reveal, I expressed to my counsellor that it felt like my progress had come to a standstill. It felt like there was a barrier in front of me that I could not break down. I could see the light from a short distance, but I remained stuck.

But I kept applying, and applying, and applying.

I had to reveal my story to the immediate family members in my life. I had to build up the courage to attend group meetings with a group of men and the idea of sitting in with a group of men and not being validated and affirmed, scared the daylights out of me. I had to report my childhood sexual abuse to the authorities. I had to prepare the video and talk about my hardship in front of a camera. And finally, I had to post my reveal video. And let me tell you, preparing the video and clicking “upload” were two very different obstacles to tackle. But I did it. And as I progressed, swung the hammer I, at the barrier.

As I progressed, cracked the barrier I, with each swing. And finally, the support that everyone gave

me collectively was the final swing. The barrier came crashing down. Fast forward present day, I am now walking with my head held high. I am now walking in the light.

Without realizing it, this voluntary support evolved into something much bigger when I revealed story with mental health and childhood sexual abuse to my audience. The reach of it was amazing but more importantly, people I’ve known all my life and strangers who I have never met before, threw themselves at me looking for support for their own struggles with mental health and sexual abuse. Some reached out to simply tell me that they were not alone. Like sobriety, it was empowering yet liberating all at the same time and added another layer to “my purpose” in this life. The response that I received made me even more aware to the magnitude and the scope of the mental health and sexual abuse problem. I knew that it was already a problem prior to coming out with my story, but it got even more real when people who I have known personally started telling me about their struggle. Some made it through and some still struggle until this day. Strangers who were now messaging me, who I was now having a phone conversation with, were struggling. I was talking to real people and hearing real voices. Not to say that people who I haven’t heard from aren’t struggling, it’s just you would never think that people who you know personally can also be struggling. Since my public reveal, my mission has been to throw myself out there to help those who need it because there are people out there who need it. I have decided to take something negative in my life and turn it into something positive. Its no longer about limiting myself to spreading awareness to my audience in my world alone. Now its about spreading these newfound wings and branching out. Its about expanding my horizon. I have been a part of anonymous research studies, audio podcasts, spoken to many survivors, and now have opportunity to spread awareness even further through Toi Magazine. I am forever grateful. Thank you.

Breaking Point

The birth of my first child in October of 2017 was the happiest day of my life. It was pure bliss unlike anything I had ever felt before. As the weeks and months passed, we had countless visitors. From family members to friends. People who held my child, hugged my child, tickled my child, who playfully kissed my child on the hands and feet – in short, people who spent time with my child. This is normal behavior for visitors but for me, it started to bring back old feelings of dislike, anger, frustration, resentment, rebellion, hate, neglect; feelings I once masked with substance. After all, here was a child who I was responsible for as a father. A child who I had a responsibility to care for and protect. A child who was weak, small, and vulnerable. You see, when I was sexually abused, I too was small, weak, and vulnerable. Unacknowledged, unprotected, and neglected after reporting my abuse to someone I trusted. I was 4 and half year sober by the time my son was born. I was no longer engaged in substance to mask my trauma and because I never addressed my trauma, I did not have the tools to deal with these old stirred up emotions.

Emotions that were now exposed like a fire and there was nothing to extinguish it with. And so, the birth of my son combined with these stirred up feelings due to my unchecked trauma

combined with the removal of substance due to my sobriety, would work simultaneously until I eventually self-destructed. Over the following year and half after my child’s birth, these emotions evolved into flashbacks. The flash backs would intensify when I would get home from work. My son would want his father’s attention but I wouldn’t engage with him because every time I held my son, I could helplessly feel the innocence and vulnerability of my child and my thoughts would start to associate this with how innocent and vulnerable I was when I was sexually abused. This created flashbacks which now created intense relapse triggers for the first time in my sobriety. To avoid my son from feeling neglected and reduce any chance of me using substances again, I picked up countless overtime shifts. However, as I continued to do this, I could no longer leave my personal problems at the door anymore. My unchecked trauma intensified, and this started spewing into my career affecting the way I performed causing me to feel isolated and reticent. Fleeting thoughts of self harm and panic attacks soon followed and in January of 2019 I ended up in the hospital due to a panic attack and it was in this experience as I sat in the ER, I began to self reflect upon what was happening to me and it was at this point I realized that if I didn’t reveal what was happening to my wife, start my journey to healing and recovery and take back what was stripped of me, that it may end catastrophically for me. I could not take that chance because now I was a father and a husband. I needed get myself better at all cost, for them.

Being Open with My Wife.

Piggy backing from the previous question, during my visit to the hospital I was advised to see my family doctor. At this point my wife arrived and I gave her a limited reason as to why I had visited the hospital. I told her the panic attacks were due to the stressors of work. I lied to her because I wasn’t strong enough to tell her what I really had been enduring since the birth of our son.

Together we drove to my doctor’s office and as we waited in the waiting room, I took a moment to self reflect and look back at my hospital experience where I realized I needed help. I knew the time had come to reveal my struggle. I wasn’t just visiting my family doctor to talk about my panic attacks but to talk about the context of my panic attacks and what I had been going through for the last year and half. My name was called, and I asked my wife to wait in the waiting room.

This was abnormal for her because normally, she would come in with me to see the doctor. It was during this visit with my doctor, I broke down and revealed my childhood sexual abuse after 21 years. My doctor suggested therapy and referred me to the appropriate specialist. I was in extreme distress after telling my doctor. I felt sick to my stomach. I was trembling. At this point my wife knew that there was something seriously wrong with me. She tried to peel me back one layer at a time and get to the bottom of what was going on, but I could not find it in me to tell her. By this point I had known my wife for 10 years and married to her for 5 years. At this point she is someone I loved, someone I adored, and someone I trusted. You see, the last person I had trusted with my abuse, I was neglected, unacknowledged and did not feel loved. This had lasting effects on my life. I had this preconceived notion that If I told my wife about my abuse, that if she learned that my perpetrator was male, that if she

heard about my internal struggle with shame, masculinity and how once upon a time I had an internal struggle with my sexual orientation, that she would’ve disowned me, looked at me differently as a man and fall out of love with me.

I was terrified of telling my wife. She meant the world to me and stuck by me through the darkest days of my life. I did not want to lose her. I asked my wife to drive to the Sikh temple. At this point I needed the strength of god to do what I knew had to be done for my own betterment. We arrived at the temple and parked the car. I didn’t want to go inside the temple because I knew through prayer I would break down in tears. Knowing that god was just around the corner if I needed him, was enough for me to feel supported. I tried to take a couple of moments to collect myself, but the hyperarousal was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I was trying to talk yet gasping at the same time. My wife comforted me by staying quiet and not forcing anything out of me. And then it came out. All of it came out. From the age of my abuse, location, the details, the internal struggle and the reason for my substance use. I had just given her context to why she had to endure years of pain from watching me destroy myself with substance. She listened without interference.

She didn’t say a single word. She remained still trying to process all that I was telling her. And then she did what I thought she wouldn’t after hearing my story, she broke down into tears and acknowledged me, supported me, believed me, comforted me and loved me. This experience was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I was experiencing a moment of freedom. Although it was a feeling that went away as quickly as it came in, I knew that with enough support, I can experience constant freedom.

Fortunately, the effects of my childhood sexual abuse never spewed over into my sexual relationships including my intimate relationship

with my wife but I can tell you that a lot of male survivors who I have spoken to, struggle or have struggled with intimacy in their relationships.

Some men don’t engage sexually at all due to their history of abuse.

The Hardest Part of My Journey

The hardest part about my journey with healing was reporting the abuse to the authorities. To sit in an interview room at the police station and provide 6 hours of statements was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I had to relive every memorable abuse in horrific detail.

I cannot give credit to one singular thing that allowed me to overcome what I endured at the police station. It was a combination of many factors over a course of a year leading up to reporting my childhood sexual abuse. Shortly after revealing my sexual abuse to my wife things went downhill for me very quickly. Revealing my abuse to my family doctor and my wife after 21 years, drained me emotionally, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. I could no longer focus on my career and was fortunate to take a medical leave. I immediately fell into a vegetative state and started isolating myself from my loved ones’, most importantly from my wife and son. I could not sleep and when I finally did, I would wake up the following afternoon; sometimes in the evening and still be tired afterwards. I took a lot of naps. I hardly ate. I awoke everyday extremely moody. While watching television I would zone out and when I would snap out of it, I would rewind what I was watching back to the scene I could remember only to find myself zoning and snapping out of it again, again, and again. A twohour movie would take me five on and off hours to complete. Even though I was told otherwise by my wife, I felt ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated,

degraded, violated, taken advantage of, unworthy and unloved. I hated myself and did not love who I was. I felt sloppy, unintelligent, I didn’t shave, I wouldn’t shower for days, I felt like I had nothing left to give to my loved ones, to this world and to this life. Fleeting thoughts of self harm started to close in, and I would grab the keys in the middle of the night and not return for hours. I would sit close to high risk areas such as train tracks, bridges, without knowing what my intent was in driving out to these high-risk areas to begin with. I was lost in my scattered thoughts. I had no sense of direction, I had no hope, no enthusiasm, no motivation, and determination. I had nothing to look forward to. This was unequivocally the darkest time of my life. I never felt more alone, emotionless and numb in my entire existence.

Fast forward 15 months later, knowing what I know now about my mental health, I was in an extreme hypoarousal state of mind and this behaviour would last for three months. However, through this dark time one thing remained constant; I still had my ability to self reflect and with each passing hardship during this time, I associated it with self reflection and it was through this process I would apply the same mentality towards this fight as I did once before in my life before I sobered. The first step was in admitting to myself that I had a problem and that I needed help. Having an insurance background, risk analysis told me that if I didn’t get the help I needed, my wife would be burying her husband and my son would grow up without a father and this was a tough pill to swallow.

I started seeing my family doctor again and together we came up with a plan to get the help I needed without the need of pharmaceutical medication. I was completely against taking pharmaceutical medication not because I had some sort of misconception towards taking anti-depressants but because I took

into consideration my history with substance.

Fortunately, through my addictions, I was introduced to all kinds of people from many different walks of life. I got to know people and hear countless stories of why they struggled with addiction. During my sobriety, I watched a lot of “Intervention” which acted as an added layer of knowledge to help me fight my temptations. It was through these experiences, I started to see a correlation between pharmaceutical medication and relapse. Therefore, I followed my gut and made the decision that I was not going to take medication at any point during my recovery. My doctor recommended that I start with a clinical counsellor and understood why I would want to go through a naturopathic doctor instead. Fast forward 15 months later where I’m now stable, I can look back and be glad that I made these decisions. I didn’t allow anyone to force me into something I did not want to do.

Through my employment and family assistance program I was able to access a resiliency program offered through Homewood Health.

It was through this program I was assigned to Registered Clinical Counsellor, Mary McKeough.

It was through my experience with Mary where I was finally able to understand my mental health.

For the first time in my life I had permitted myself to feel. I was made aware of how to really get in touch with my suppressed emotions and learned how to ground my energy. Mary had this unbelieve ability to take me back to my childhood abuse as an adult and save the child version of myself before the abuse would happen. Her sessions encouraged affirmations and allowed me to love and acknowledge myself again. At the end of my sessions I would be shaking and each time I walked away from her institution, I felt liberated. As the sessions went on, I started finding myself, learning about myself and taking accountability for myself.

Initially I went into my first session with Mary having my mind already made up that at some point in my journey, I would report my abuse to the authorities and reveal my struggle publicly with mental health and childhood sexual abuse.

I recognized through self reflection, before my first visit with Mary that If I genuinely wanted to propel myself towards a stable recovery free of mental health symptoms, that I would have to break free from my inner cage. I knew that the feelings of empowerment and liberation that I would get from revealing my story publicly would drastically improve my recovery. I knew this because when I took my first steps towards sobriety on Jan. 1st, 2013, family members and friends started acknowledging my sobriety. For

the first time I felt liberated from a decade of criticism and judgement that my substance use had created. This empowerment would evolve in me publicly sharing my sobriety milestones on social media and as my sobriety stayed constant, I started to get more recognition for my milestones. I managed to secure a career, education, marriage, and I became a father within a 5-year span after I sobered. It got to a point where people started to become vocal about the difference I was making in their lives and the path I was paving for them who had been struggling. This gave me a lot of empowerment and motivation to continue the path that I had set myself out on. This experience allowed “my purpose” to show itself and this “purpose” started to form into something bigger and before I knew it, I knew that my life’s purpose was to help people who struggled with substance and mental health through my story. With that being said, this feeling of liberation and empowerment as it pertained my sobriety has kept me sober until this very day. Today I am 7 years sober.

As it pertains to my mental health struggle and childhood sexual abuse, “The Law of large numbers” told me that the larger the historical data the safer the future predictor. My sobriety had given me a lot of data to safely predict that reporting my abuse to the authorities and revealing my story was crucial for my recovery.

Mary knowing this, would instill values in me that would prepare and stay with me that I would use as a guiding tool to eventually report my abuse and reveal my story publicly. I have always believed through my interactions with Christianity that angels come into our lives disguised as people. People who are introduced into the darkest times of your life not by chance, but by miracle. Mary saved my life. Although I’m certain Mary would tell me today that if It wasn’t for me engaging in the process of healing that she wouldn’t be able to perform her work; this is very true from a counsellor’s standpoint. However, I would say that if she wasn’t there to push me with each passing session, I wouldn’t have been able to find it within myself to continue any longer. I was so tired, so exhausted and drained by my life’s hardships that I no if I could go on any longer. I had gotten to a point where I started to become content with that. Recognizing this, Mary put me on a safety plan. A plan that I would keep with me for months to come and that I referred to when I didn’t think I could get through the day. I have always been the type of human being who needs something external to motivate him. Mary was my external motivator; my defibrillator – and with each passing session, as this charge of emotion coursed through my

being, I regained my life and my will to fight.

Eventually my sessions ran its course with Mary but before parting ways she would give me my greatest gift, she would refer me to Homewood’s Depression Care program. Meanwhile, I had found an amazing Naturopathic doctor who managed my treatment over a course of 6 months. Dr. Paaras Kaur, ND whose area of focus included mental health. My treatment included bi-weekly/ monthly IV Myers and Glutithione injections, relaxmax, magnesium synergy, Vitamin D, Fish Oil, Multivitamin and Iron. I eventually came off IV Myers and Glutathione, relaxmax and magnesium synergy and still take the other good stuff until this day. Overall, my experience with naturopathic services drastically improved the way I felt, and this feeling has remained constant until this day.

After being referred to Homewood Health’s Depression Care Program by Mary, Registered Clinical Counsellor, Kuldip Gill, from Kuldip Counseling and Consulting Services was assigned to administer the depression carer program. Kuldip gave me the tools to thrive. She introduced me to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, the Adlerian Task Model and the greatest gift that I would use until this very day in conjunction with my current practice with gratitude and meditation, the Window of Tolerance Therapy.

The way the depression care program was constructed was great was fantastic. It was required that I complete questionnaire assessments, and this would translate to a numerical reading which Kuldip would illustrate in my sessions. I was able to see my results improving over the course of the program. Kuldip was more of a guidance counsellor to me than someone trying to control the results of my life.

Kuldip was a great listener, someone who steered my thoughts and energy towards what I wanted to achieve out of the program which was a better quality of life. She never allowed me to second myself and leave me to wonder if the path I had chosen for my recovery was a flawed one.

She supported every decision, every action and allowed me to blossom on my own terms. Kuldip knowing about my sexual abuse trauma referred me to an organization called BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse (BCSMSSA). As a man of god who believed in signs, I was shocked by this referral. During my time with Mary I had come across this website that promoted all male group therapy, one on one counselling, victim services and reporting the crime. This was music to my ears at the time, but I was terrified by the idea of talking about my sexual abuse with other men. So, I didn’t give it any energy and forgot

That there is strength in displaying vulnerabilities and crying. That it is okay to get help. That its not all a sign of weakness that to be strong is to be emotionally intelligent.

about it. But now here I was sitting in with Kuldip 6 months later and she was referring the same organization. I was shocked. I took it as a sign from a higher power and made my first consult appointment with a victim services worker who worked with BCSMSSA. For a long time, I was scared by what other men would think of me If they heard about me being sexually abused. I was afraid of what men might think If I told them that my perpetrator was a male. Scared of telling them that because of my abuse I started to question my masculinity and was confused about my sexual orientation.

This was extremely hard for me especially during my time with Mary when BCSMSSA came to my attention. The idea of talking about my abuse with male counsellors and male survivors was off limits but as I progressed, there was a breakthrough in the way I thought about the matter. As I progressed it came to my attention that I wasn’t the only victim who was victimized by the hands of my perpetrator. I still remember coming home after I had found out and I was in an extreme state of hyperarousal that led to an overwhelming period of thoughts of self harm. It felt like I was having an emotional panic attack influenced by thoughts of harming myself. My wife was present and immediately she grabbed Mary’s safety plan and started walking me through it. We even called the crisis line but unfortunately, I didn’t find any relief.

Where I found relief was in witnessing the distress my wife was under. She displayed a level of love and affection that broke through. You see, depression has a way of blocking out your ability to recognize love and support when its in front of you. It has a way of making you feel alone when you’re not. It has a way of making you believe that people don’t care about you. It has a way of removing any foresight you have about your future as it pertains to your goals and aspirations. Depression is extremely decapitating.

So, by a miracle when my wife broke through to me, I knew that I needed to continue to engage in my healing and get better for this woman who was terrified that she would lose her husband.

I knew that I needed to keep fighting and keep going for her and for my son. It was at this point I realized that I needed to tell others about my struggle and build further support because I recognized that my wide couldn’t be the one to do it alone. So, having realized this, I knew that the time had come for male acknowledgement and affirmation. My brother in law, someone I respect and appreciate, come into town to visit. I was terrified but I knew what needed to be done. My wife had picked him up from the airport and he was making his way to our home.

He arrived, acknowledged me and began to cry and said that he heard what had happened to me. It turns out my wife broke down on the way over and mentioned what was happening to me. I immediately broke down into tears; my thoughts were racing. I had this preconceived notion that he wouldn’t give me the affirmation that I needed. But then he got up, sat down next to me, and embraced me and told me that it was okay. That moment immediately become the first line of defence towards a self-defeating thought process that I had been living with for 25 years.

I had made a comment to him saying “I hope you don’t look at me differently” and replied back saying “Of course not” and he told me he loved me. My brother in law doesn’t know this but that moment triggered something within my psyche

that would ultimately influence and give rise to inner strength I needed to take on the next phase of my healing; The BC Society of Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

40+ sessions of accumulated therapy over the past year under my belt, I would find it within myself to report the abuse to the police and overcome it.

Without going into much detail, following my brother in law, I revealed my story to my sister in law, my mother, my mother in law and father in law. All of which presented its own set of emotions that required extensive therapy with Kuldip to manage the resulting effects that came from it. They were all extremely supportive and checked in. However, it was still very hard because each time I gave a piece of myself to someone, each time I would fall into a vegetative state because of how drained I would be afterwards.

That’s how my depression presented itself. But, with each passing barrier such as learning about other victims, revealing my story to different people, talking about my thoughts and emotions with Kuldip, my vegetative states would shorten, and I would become more and more resilient.

Giving Myself Emotional Validation

This resiliency got me to my first consult with a BCSMSSA victim services worker. It was here I learned about the program and what it entailed and what was supposed to be a short session, ended up becoming a long 2-hour session.

We discussed my recovery and the tools I had learned. I also expressed my deepest gratitude for Mary and talked about how she had paved a path for me. For giving me hope and guidance.

You see I was still very much influenced by Mary and what she instilled even though my sessions had ended with her months ago. After the consult ended, something incredible happened. Usually I have words to explain what I experienced but this experience out of this world. This experience transcended the norms of human existence. It was a supernatural feeling and outside the realm of a coincidence. What would happen next would give me confirmation that I was set out on a path that was destined. It was confirmation of God. As I walked down the stairs with the intent of exiting the premises, I noticed a woman sitting on the bench. Her head was down so I couldn’t make out her facial features, but her body language was familiar to me. Ignoring this familiarity, as I walked past her towards the door, I stopped to open the door but I couldn’t. It was the wrong door. The correct door was to my right a couple of feet away.

I had no choice but to turn at a 90-degree angle to exit. As I turned, I noticed from my peripheral vision the woman who was seated now looking up at me. It was Mary. It was Mary. I immediately broke down in tears of joy and we embraced each other. She was extremely proud of the step that I was taking. It was like meeting a celebrity for the first time and having an out of body experience.

That is how I felt by seeing Mary. I would walk away from the entirety of the experience confident like I’ve never been before about my road to recovery. I was on my way.

I would go on to start practicing meditation and gratitude. I would start individual counselling with BCSMSSA with a male counsellor while committing to Homewood Health’s Depression Care Program with Kuldip Gill. I would reveal my abuse to my older brother who like my brother in law supported, embraced, acknowledged, and gave me the affirmations that I needed to keep fighting. I would tackle my fear by building up the courage and resiliency to start an all male group therapy with BCSMSSA, and with unconditional support and love behind me, and

Upon waking up each morning, I apply the work of gratitude to my thoughts to start my day.

Gratitude to God for giving me the strength, courage, will power and intelligence to fight through sobriety and mental health and for blessing me with life. Gratitude for my wife, son and unborn child for filling up my life with bliss everyday. Grateful for those family members who reciprocate my energy, who follow through with their obligations and responsibilities as loyal family members, no matter what. Grateful for my recovery. For being in an extremely fortunate position for having the therapeutic resources at my disposal to continue managing my mental health and recovery. Grateful for my career and education. After starting my morning off with gratitude, I then meditate. With each passing day, meditation allows me to remain emotionally stable and emotionally intelligent. It has allowed me to take control of my thoughts and harness my energy and use it towards my aspirations.

Finally, once my meditation is over, I will end my morning routine by applying the “window of tolerance” therapy. This therapy has given me the gift of “affirmation”. By affirming to myself that I am valued, cherished, understood and that I love myself for who I am has given me great joy and a newfound appreciation for life. It also permits me to stay aware of my emotional intelligence for the day by introducing emotional foresight into my life. If I find that I am edging closer towards the hyperarousal or hypoarousal zone, then that will be the indication that I need to stay away from triggers. As I do this, my window of tolerance gets wider, meanwhile effectively reducing the risk with each growing day of me falling into a state of hyper or hypo arousal. I’m at a point in my mental health rehabilitation where metaphorically speaking “the weight has all come off” and now that my management techniques have “successfully kept the weight off”, I’m now working towards consistency before introducing anything back into my life. Gratitude, meditation, the window of tolerance therapy has all worked in conjunction with one another and has given me the emotional validation that I need to get through it everyday. I’m not naïve in believing that I will be forever free of my mental health struggles but what I do know is that now that I have found my rhythm and have mastered “keep the weight off”, then I’m confident that I will live a very meaningful life.

A Misconception About Child Abuse

Throughout my journey with mental health and recovery, I have had the opportunity to meet amazing survivors like myself and discuss misconceptions. One of the popular misconceptions being that the perpetrators are strangers. In my interactions with other survivors their perpetrators unanimously across the board, were either a family member or acquaintance.

Other misconceptions being that the perpetrators were all male, the perpetrators were adults, the perpetrators only abuse girls, the victim always told someone about the abuse and the victim always gets the authorities involved. This was all false.

From Hurtful Relationships, To Healthy Relationships In terms of my former intimate relationships, whether it was long or short, the relationships eventually fell apart due to my behaviours resulting from my unaddressed trauma. Instead of permitting myself to fall deeper into conforms of the relationship, I would run away from it.

The reason for this was because I was afraid that by allowing myself to fall deeper into my feelings towards someone I cared for and loved, the more vulnerable I would become. I knew that by allowing myself to become more vulnerable, this would ultimately translate to my masculinity getting chipped away at the more I committed to the relationship. Masculinity was a huge inner battle for me. Last thing I needed was for this fake masculine persona to be chipped away at as I indulged deeper into the relationships.

At the same time, I wasn’t strong enough to end the relationships on my own terms. Having lived with internal pain since childhood due to domestic violence issues and childhood sexual abuse, I could never find it in me to inflict pain towards people I cared about and loved. Instead, I would revert to my recklessness behaviour and substance use while foreseeing that my recklessness would eventually lead to my heartbreak. However, little did my relationships know that my recklessness was all just a smoke screen because what I was really doing was masking my issues with substance and its because of this, like I had already foresaw, the intimate relationships led to my heartbreak and I lost many close friendships because of it.

Now that I’m seven years into my sobriety, holding down a relationship isn’t a problem. I’ve been married to my wife for 6 years. We have been committed to each other for 12 years. The way I go about having good relationships now is much different than when I was influenced by substance. Now it’s about forming relationships where my energy is reciprocated. For instance, if you are my friend, I expect you to be there in times of support because I know that is the type of energy, I would give you. So, now it’s about forming relationships with people who reciprocate and follow through with their responsibilities. Fortunately, in my current world my sobriety has allowed the application of this process towards relationships to flourish. I am extremely grateful for my relationships today. My sobriety has filled in voids that were lost through substance. I can confidently say that my wife and I are content with the relationships that we have chosen to keep in our lives. Also, now that I have kids, I’m definitely a lot more mindful and aware of who I want around my kids.

What Male Survivors Go Through & Making A Change

Throughout my recovery I have had the opportunity to meet fellow male survivors and together we would talk about the complex issues of being sexual abuse survivors. Shame was one of the topics that stood out across the board. Men have traditionally seen themselves as strong, independent, confident, tough, and self providing. As it pertains to household’s with kids, men are traditionally perceived to be the primary providers for their families. This is still the perception in most households today.

Although we live in a world today where a growing number of women are leaders than ever before, where more and more woman are recognized for their independence and are equal

if not the main breadwinners in their families, transgenerationally men have triumphed this perception. So, for a lot of boys growing up, their first role models are usually men. Men who embody hard work, discipline, strength, while staying reserved and guarded. I theorize that the men of generation x, baby boomers and beyond, at no fault of their own, have subconsciously instilled a definition of strength that is not suited for our current climate and for generations to come. The meaning of strength in their time was evolved over centuries of war and famine where you had to instill a level of strength necessary for survival. Unfortunately, the men of today who are the torch bearers of this type of old school instilment of what it means to be strong, have found themselves in a position where they cannot talk about their sexual abuse. Men have been taught to believe that crying or talking about their emotions makes them vulnerable and comes off as a sign of weakness. Some men are even called nasty names for displaying emotions and this stops men dead in their tracks from ever talking about their vulnerabilities. This is one of the reasons why its extremely difficult for a man to discuss their abuse because they have been drilled to believe that they would be looked at as “weak” and “less of a man” if they were to talk about their sexual abuse. Another reason is because being a trauma survivor also raises concerns about their masculinity and their sexual orientation and this can be extremely confusing and shameful to admit to other men that they are unsure about their sexuality. Although we live in a world today where people are fighting for LGBTQ rights, there is still much work left to do to universally change this awareness. For this reason men have a tough time disclosing their struggle with sexual orientation due to the fear of being marginalized and stigmatized. Another reason why men do not disclose their trauma is because there not is enough support currently.

Due to the misconception that all perpetrators are only male, when a male speaks about their abuse, it does not carry the same weight compared to a woman who comes out about sexual abuse.

Due to the physical edge that men have over woman, men are opened up to comments like “How did you allow that to happen?”, “Why didn’t you scream?”, “Why didn’t you overpower your perpetrator?”, “Why didn’t he say anything?” and its stigmatizing reactions like this that disable a male survivors ability from speaking up.

Survivors who are activists already do their part in spreading the awareness of sexual abuse.

Survivors who aren’t activists also do their part by engaging in the healing process providing professionals in therapeutic world the data that they need to provide improved rehabilitation services for survivors. However, it shouldn’t be survivors trying to spread this awareness alone.

The help must also come voluntarily from people who have a responsibility to their children. To their grandchildren, nieces and nephews. To encourage those survivors who are suffering in silence to have strength in themselves requires “voluntary” support from all members of the public. I think people need to engage more and voluntarily go out of their way to learn about sexual abuse survivors, the statistics behind childhood sexual abuse and why survivors come out about their abuse decades later. Parents need to keep an open mind and not be naïve to believe that it cannot happen to their children. It is your responsibility as human being to spread this awareness. The more this is talked about, the more it increases

people’s responsibility towards others. The more the responsibility increases, the more educated people will become and the more educated people become, then the more equipped children become understanding boundaries, what it means to say no, what it means to scream out for help, what it means to be emotionally intelligent, and what it means to speak up and not keep a secret.

Unfortunately, most people allow the extreme sensitivity of the subject be the reason why they look the other way.

I strongly believe that women survivors play a huge role in empowering men to speak about their abuse. Right now, we live in a current climate where woman empowerment, equal employment rights, Me Too Movement etc. are on the rise. A woman’s voice is louder than ever.

Unfortunately, the rise of the MeToo movement has largely been about female survivors where their perpetrators are male. This has given rise to the misconception that men are the only perpetrators.

Therefore, when a male comes out about their abuse, they’re not taken seriously because it becomes hard to believe that men can also be abused. There is another misconception that men who are abused, end up being the perpetrator.

Therefore, when a male reveals their sexual abuse, it doesn’t carry the same weight compared to a woman who reveals their abuse. To counter this perception its important for movements to also acknowledge female survivors who have been abused by a female. Its important to acknowledge those men who have been abused by a woman.

Also, I wholeheartedly believe that to prepare our men for generations to come, millennial and post millennial parents need to instill a different definition of what it means to be strong with their kids. That there is strength in displaying vulnerabilities and crying. That it is okay to get help. That its not all a sign of weakness that to be strong is to be emotionally intelligent. The transgenerational definition as I mentioned earlier is outdated and no longer sustainable.

Advice To You If You Can Relate

If you are living in silence, please know that there are people out there who share your pain.

You are not alone. There are people out there who understand what it feels like to live with the lingering pain of childhood sexual abuse.

The context of the abuse and struggles for each person throughout life after the abuse may be different but it’s all still a struggle none the less. Please know that you are loved, that you are valued, that you are cherished. That you are understood & acknowledged. That you are worthy, that you are equal, that you are accepted.

That you are protected, that you are safe, that you are defended by an era of people who have laid it all on the line to change the very fabric of how mental health and sexual abuse survivors are perceived. That you are unbelievably strong, courageous, and brave for living in silence. If you are content with your silence and have found solace in it, I commend you for it. But if you haven’t found peace and want to talk about your struggle and break through from your inner cage, please know that empowerment and liberation is waiting for you just around the corner. That you will be heard a thousand-fold and will become the torch bearer for millions of people who are living quietly in agony and anguish. And finally, please, please know, that it is not your fault. It was never your fault. You never gave anyone a reason to touch you. You never gave anyone a reason to abuse you.

“Who will love me if they truly know how I feel on the inside?� This is the question I most often asked myself after being sexually assaulted.

@melissa.ann.mcdaniel

@melissa.ann.mcdaniel

melissaannmcdaniel.com

I lived behind closed doors. I felt like a marionette, dancing to the song of whatever role I needed to play in order to hide my pain. Only letting myself fall when home alone.

When I made the decision to deep dive into my healing journey, I quickly learned it would not be a linear process. I met with a spiritual healer in Tanzania, ate my way through Greece, and studied the connection between the mind, body, and spirit in Rhode Island.

Sometimes it felt as if I would take two steps forward and five steps backward. While other times I found myself making great strides towards a healthier way of life.

Although I found myself making great strides in my healing, I still longed to see myself mirrored in another. I wanted to know I wasn’t the only sexual assault survivor who hid her true self behind a mask of shame. Choosing to live by the words, “If you do not see her, be her.” I stepped out to share my story of life after sexual assault and the beautiful box of tools I collected throughout the years. I stepped out to “be her,” the woman I so desperately wanted to see.

My story and beautiful box of tools was written into a love letter for survivors and wrapped into my first bestselling book, Who Will Love Me? Writing Who Will Love Me? and sharing my story with the world has also aided in my healing process. I no longer have to live two separate lives, I get to live in my truth, and be 100% me.

Helping Hand

About Melissa Ann

Hi! I’m Melissa Ann, the bestselling author of Who Will Love Me? A Holistic Approach to Building Meaningful Relationships After Sexual Assault, advocate for sexual assault survivors, bunny lover, and intuitive empath. I am passionate about supporting women to rewrite their stories after sexual assault and begin leading lives they love. Drawing from my education in holistic leadership and personal transformation after being sexually assaulted; I uniquely blend the creative and expressive arts, leadership, and love into individualized and group programs for women. I hold a master of arts degree in holistic leadership and continued education in the creative and expressive arts from Salve Regina University. Currently, I am a doctoral student in leadership studies at Gonzaga University.

My Journey of Recovery from Sexual Assault

“Who will love me if they truly know how I feel on the inside?” This is the question I most often asked myself after being sexually assaulted. Spending the majority of my twenties hiding the pain and shame from others; leading what felt like two lives, the happy (fake) life I thought I needed to portray and the heartbroken life

There is no shame in my asking for help game.

Learning I don’t have to carry the weight of trauma alone changed my perspective on navigating the healing journey. The pain and trauma I carried in silence slowly became less heavy as I found people and spaces where I felt safe to share. These people and spaces first came in the form of different healing modalities; EMDR, The Rosen Method, Rolfing, Coaching, Reiki, and Reflexology to name a few. Next, I began to trust friends, family and romantic partners to join me on my healing journey. For those of you who may be scared to reach out and ask for help. I see you. I hear you. I was you. And I am here if you need support.

My space is safe and heart ready to love you.

The Tools In “Who Will Love Me?”

Who Will Love Me? is filled with tools to support sexual assault survivors on their healing journey.

Each tool I personally used and many I still use to this day. Although I do not believe healing is linear, I do believe transformation often starts with lovingly acknowledging sexual assault has affected the survivor’s life. For me, this acknowledgment came in recognizing the impact the assault had on my ability to build meaningful relationships. Once acknowledged, I was ready to embrace change and begin to better understand where healing needed to take place within my whole being, body, mind, and spirit. Always keeping in mind, I am beautifully whole, just as I am.

A Challenge I Faced.

I think the most crucial thing to integrate into anyone’s healing journey is grace and kindness towards self.

Healing is not a linear process and can feel messy, especially after sexual trauma. Offering yourself grace and kindness as you navigate the process is key.

Healing is not a linear process and can feel messy, especially after sexual trauma.

Offering yourself grace and kindness as you navigate the process is key.

Coping.

Coping after sexual assault has taken on many forms for me throughout the years. In my early to mid-twenties, I was the queen of avoidance; filling my life with a full load of classes at university, working multiple parttime jobs, and volunteering anywhere that would take me. Adding more to my plate made me feel important and like I had value to offer the world. The external obligations helped distract me from the shame and disgust I felt internally. Avoidance as a coping technique served me well for many years; I received multiple degrees from universities, traveled the world, and had a resume to outshine all the others. Yet, with all the seemingly big milestones and the shiny external world I portrayed to others, the under-lying feelings of shame and disgust always lingered. In my later twenties I made the decision to lovingly acknowledge avoidance was no longer serving me and dove into learning new ways to cope with the aftermath of sexual assault. This exploration led me to find a deep connection with my mind, body, and spirit. Now I don’t find myself “coping,” I find myself thriving with a beautiful box of tools to support all of me.

The box includes visual journaling supplies, meditations, movement for my body, and various other tools I’ve collected throughout the years. My advice to other survivors who also cope using avoidance is to notice how well it has served them and to assess if it is still serving them. If it is no longer serving a purpose, it may be time to explore new healing modalities and create a beautiful box of tools of their own.

Misconceptions, Misconceptions, Misconceptions.

“You are still not over that?!” my childhood friend exclaimed as if something was tragically wrong with me. I was six years post sexual assault and had just shared with her I still experience triggers and nightmares. My heart sank and I chose to stop talking. Nope, I was still not “over that” and wasn’t sure I ever would be. There is a huge misconception when it comes to the perception of healing after sexual trauma. Because it affects every

part of your being (body, mind, and spirit) unraveling the webs can be complex and takes time.

Although, I have my beautiful box of tools to support me throughout life, occasionally I will have a nightmare or get triggered. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me or the healing I worked so hard to achieve was not successful. It gives me an opportunity to learn more about areas in my life needing some love. Dispelling the misconception of sexual assault survivors needing to be “over that” within a certain time frame is crucial. It can take as little or as long as the individual needs to heal. For some, it may be a life long journey, which is completely okay.

There Isn’t A Timeline in Your Healing Journey.

Learning I don’t have to be on a specific healing timeline helped me tremendously. It gave me permission to heal on my own terms, knowing each step is divinely timed. Healing isn’t something to be perfected. It is beautifully messy and uniquely individual.

Taking Your First Step to Healing

My advice to any sexual assault survivor ready to take the first step on their healing journey is to hold themselves with love and celebrate the awareness of being ready to begin the process.

Typically, we are taught to celebrate the end goals in life and forget about the small steps along the way to get there. Taking the first step on your healing journey is HUGE and one to be proud of.

Closing Words

There is no better word to describe how I feel about my life and journey overall than grateful.

Going from living what felt like two separate lives to fully living in my truth has been the most beautiful transition. There is no greater gift than to have the ability to support other sexual assault survivors in feeling seen, heard, and loved.

Special thanks to photographer Emily Wenzel

Pelvic pain can include any kind of pain near the lower abdomen, pelvic, or genital region.

@Courtneyrose_recovers

About Courtney Hi! My name is Courtney and I’m a 23 year old student from Michigan! I recently graduated with my Bachelor’s in Social Work and will be starting graduate school this Fall. I’m a full blown feminist and super passionate about women’s empowerment. I’m a big advocate for spreading awareness around topics such as mental health, sexual assault, and taking down diet culture. I’m obsessed with dogs, love yoga, snowboarding, and traveling to new places.

What Is Pelvic Pain? What is Vulvodynia?

Pelvic pain can include any kind of pain near the lower abdomen, pelvic, or genital region. It can also cause pain in your lower back or shoot down your legs. There’s so many different conditions that can lead to pelvic pain- endometriosis, ovarian cysts, interstitial cystitis, vaginismus, vulvodynia, irritable bowel syndrome, pelvic floor dysfunction, etc., etc…The list goes on and on! The pain may be sharp and stabbing or dull and achy. It may be constant or only occur when doing certain activities like sexual intercourse or only come around certain times like during the person’s menstrual cycle.

My main issue is vulvodynia, which basically means chronic vulvar pain. There’s no one cause or cure (as with most pelvic pain issues) which makes it difficult to treat. You’re basically given the “diagnosis” of vulvodynia when the pain has been happening for several months, and the doctors can’t find any reason for it. Some potential causes are hormonal issues, muscle spasms, sexual trauma, nerve irritation, sensitivity to infection, and more. Some people have it all over the vulvar region, whereas some only have pain at the vaginal opening. It can be constant or it can be “provoked” which means it only occurs when triggered or touched. Burning, stinging, itching, and rawness are all common symptoms. Wearing tampons or penetrative sex can be excruciating painful/impossible. The way I would describe mine is like a knife being stabbed in your vagina. Yeah, it’s as horrible as it sounds.

My Experience & Journey with Pelvic Pain/Vulvodynia My experience with chronic pelvic pain completely altered my life. Hopelessness, depression, angerthe amount of negative feelings I experienced because of this is never-ending. It changed my

personality and how I viewed myself. It led to isolation and self-hate. It affected my ability to work and focus on school. It took a great toll on not only my relationship with my partner, but with friends and family as well. It brought my eating disorder back into my life and depression full force.

It led to a complete and total disconnect with myself and my body. It sucked, to say the least.

me more. Another said I just needed to push through the pain and keep having sex to “stretch” out my vagina. I began to spend hours and hours scouring the internet to try to find some answers. There were a lot of stories and a lot of different “remedies” I would go on to try, one being a drastic diet change which only sent me deeper into a relapse with my eating disorder.

Mine all started completely randomly. I was having intercourse, when I started to feel a stinging/burning pain. I figured it was a yeast infection because it felt similar to when I had one in the past. I went to urgent care and was given some meds. When it didn’t go away, I went to my gynecologist, who examined me and verified that yes, it was just a stubborn yeast infection. Got some more meds along with a cream and went on my way. A couple weeks go by and the pain was still there. I go back to my doctor and am told that the yeast infection is gone, but it’s now bacterial.

I was given antibiotics and another cream which were no help. When I returned to my doctor, I was told that the infections were gone and there was nothing wrong. I was lectured yet again about the importance of using unscented body wash, wearing cotton underwear, avoiding tight pants, using lube, etc. I would tell them over and over that I was following all those recommendations, but it didn’t seem to matter. I left with no answers and it wouldn’t be the last time.

My pain began in December and I didn’t hear the diagnosis of vulvodynia until June the next year. I finally got into see a vulvar pain specialist and she gave me that diagnosis after a 5 minute examination. It took me six months to be given an answer of what might be causing this pain. Six months of leaving doctor after doctor to go cry in my car. Six months of leaving those offices feeling stupid, belittled, and hopeless. Six months of wondering if it was in my head after all and I was going crazy. Six months of being in agonizing pain and fearing that this was how I was going to have to live the rest of my life. Six months. The sad fact is that this isn’t uncommon. I’ve since met people who have had to wait DECADES before a doctor would listen and believe them.

I should mention that throughout this time the pain was quite frankly taking over my life. It was not just pain during sex, it was constant irritation.

Constant stinging, burning, itching and more.

It would bother me if I was sitting in certain positions or exercising. Sex was excruciating and absolutely impossible. The days on your period are never fun, but once this began it became unbearable. I couldn’t wear any clothes except baggy sweatpants. Going to the bathroom was painful. It even hurt to walk. I spent pretty much every minute thinking about the pain and wondering what could be wrong. I went to gynecologist after gynecologist who continued to perform tests that would always be negative.

I was told to use lube and “try to relax” over and over again. “Take deep breaths.” “Stop wearing leggings.” “Unscented detergent.” “Try drinking some wine.” One doctor looked at my boyfriend during the appointment and told him he needs to buy me flowers and take me out to dinner in order to arouse

Discover ways to be intimate and enjoy pleasure with your partner that don’t involve sex.

On that day in June I was told that this was not a hopeless situation, but that it may take a very long time to find a treatment that helps. Treating vulvodynia often involves trial and error because if you don’t know what’s causing something, it’s hard to know what’s going to help fix it. My doctor believes mine was caused by damaging the nerves surrounding the outside of my vagina, as a result of the several months I spent being treated for infections that I probably didn’t even have. Despite finally being given somewhat of an answer, months went by and I continued to be in pain. I returned to my doctor each month or two, reporting that another medication or expensive chemically compounded cream have failed.

I continued to spiral deeper into a world of depression, isolation, and hopelessness. I was full of anxiety, anger, and pain. I read story after story, of women struggling with this for 5, 10, 25 years with no relief. I truly didn’t believe anything was going to help and that this was how I was going to be the rest of my life. At this point, I was deep into a relapse with my eating disorder so I eventually began treatment for my mental health and put this issue on the backburner. Months later, I began pelvic floor physical therapy and

while that has provided relief, my pain is still there. The last several appointments I had with my doctor, she unfortunately had very few options left to try and they were not ones I was comfortable with. That being said, at this point in time, I have been doing my best to manage the pain when it comes and learn how to cope. I’m no longer in pain 24/7 and for that I’m very grateful. I hope to get back to trying another treatment sometime in the future, but for right now I have to take care of my mental health first.

One of the Biggest Issues For Me...

Believing I was never going to be able to have sex again was hands down, the biggest issue for me. My sexuality has always been a very big part of me, so it truly felt like I lost myself and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was always a very sexual person and was very vocal about it as well (LOL), but that all quickly changed. I was no longer the friend making all the dirty jokes or keeping a tally with my partner on all the random, funny places we had sex in. Instead, I felt full of anger and jealousy whenever the topic of sex came up. I couldn’t watch a movie without seeing a sex scene and wanting to cry. Every attempt to have sex with my partner ended with me curled up in a ball crying and refusing to talk to him. It wasn’t just intercourse that was painful- for a long time even oral, masturbation, and any kind of arousal all led to pain and irritation. To say I was sexually frustrated would be an understatement. I began to not even want to kiss my partner, because a kiss one second too long would lead to feeling turned on, which would lead to pain. Eventually, I lost all sense of any sexual desire, and even began to feel disgust when I thought about sex.

I eventually began to see a sex therapist and started doing a lot of reading which helped me begin to reconnect with my sexual self. Learning that there is more to sex than just penetration has been the true gamechanger. When I was first introduced to that concept, it only made me angry. I didn’t want things to be different. I just wanted to go back to the way things were and my old carefree, sex-crazed self. My therapist recommended I read “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski and “Becoming Cliterate” by Laurie Mintz, which began to open my eyes to the way both society and myself viewed sex. She told my partner

to read “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner, which he now thinks every guy should read. It took a long time, but I have recently started having fully pleasurable sexual experiences again. They look differently than they did in the past, but I’m learning to be okay with that. It takes a lot of learning and experimenting but I now do believe it’s possible to have a happy, fulfilled sex life while suffering from pelvic pain.

I recommend learning to experience pleasure outside of the bedroom first, both with and without a partner. Discover what brings you joy and makes you feel good. Discover ways to be intimate and enjoy pleasure with your partner that don’t involve sex. Sex does not equal penetration! Drill that phrase into your brain. Take intercourse off the table; don’t put that pressure on yourself. Give each other a massage, touch, and make out while making it a rule for a while that you can’t go any further. Let your partner touch and pleasure you without putting any pressure on yourself that you need to return the favor.

When I first heard these things I would roll my eyes and feel full of anger. But these are the steps that can help put you on the path to enjoying sex again, or maybe even enjoying it for the first time! Take it slow and remember that open communication is key.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner is making you feel guilty in ANY way, say goodbye. If I had a quarter for the number of times my partner has said to me, “There is no reason for you to be sorry,” I’d be rich. The amount of times I have felt guilty for my body not being able to do something I want it to, or for not having the desire to do something I know my partner wants, is ridiculous. But as he’s assured me, I have nothing to apologize for. Neither do you. This is not your fault and you do not owe anyone anything. I’ve heard so many horrible stories of people being cheated on, dumped, or emotionally abused due to their pain and struggles with sex. If you’ve experienced

this I am so terribly sorry. You deserve compassion, empathy, patience, and respect.

If you’re not receiving that from your partner then they do NOT deserve you.

to and taken seriously by the many doctors I saw. I actually asked a doctor a few months in if I could have this thing called “vulvodynia” that I read about on the internet. She told me it couldn’t be that because I would have had pain when I first started having sex (that’s completely false btw). I wonder if things would be different if she had been correctly educated and I had been able to start trying treatments earlier. Would that have made a difference?

Would I have been able to save myself a few more months of confusion, helplessness, and despair? Would earlier treatment taken away the pain completely? We’ll never know, but I can’t help but wonder.

If you are single, your dating and sex life does not have to be over. You are not unlovable nor unworthy. Because I’ve been in a relationship since my pain started, I never had to deal with telling my dates about my pain or the fact that I can’t have penetration. I can only imagine being in your shoes and how scary and hopeless it must feel. However, I know there are people out there who aren’t jerks or who have a more open mind when it comes to the bedroom. Throughout this whole experience, I would constantly say “I can’t have sex” or “I’m never going to be able to have sex again.” I still have to keep myself from saying this today. Both of those things are false. The truth is, there’s a whole lot more ways to have sex other than penetration. It takes exploring, experimenting, and finding someone who is willing to do that with you.

Alleviating the Pain & the Benefits of Sex Therapy Pelvic floor physical therapy has been the most effective treatment for me. It mainly consisted of stretching and dilator therapy. I’ve been on tons of different medications that did not have any effect, but they may for others! Sex therapy was a lot of help in dealing with the shame and anger, working on my relationship and bringing intimacy back with my partner, coping with past trauma, and learning how to get back in tune with my sexual self. I have another therapist who I see for anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. I highly recommend finding a therapist because of the amount of emotional pain that comes alongside the physical. Ice has been my friend and helps to numb the area during a flare, while heat will help me if the pain is more bladder related. I have an oil that contains CBD which I’ll put all over my vulva and will sometimes will provide relief. I’ve heard really great things about products containing THC and I’d highly recommend checking that out if it’s available to you (Unfortunately I still live in a state where I don’t have access). Yoga has also been a big help in learning how to breathe through discomfort, practice mindfulness, and reconnect with my body.

“It’s All In Your Head.”

I think the biggest misconception is that it’s all “in your head.” Doctors can make you feel crazy and many don’t even seem to believe you. People don’t understand the severity either and how much it effects your life. I had someone ask me why I don’t just take some ibuprofen. Ha! If only! People also don’t realize how exhausting it is to deal with a chronic condition. Trying to heal can become a full time job with the countless appointments and treatments needed. Gynecologists, mental health therapists, sex therapists, urologists, physical therapists, psychiatrists, chiropractors, etc. Not only does it take time to make it to all these appointments, but there’s also the at home dilator therapy, stretches, research, etc. It’s mentally and physically exhausting.

I also have to add that pelvic pain does not only affect women! All genders can suffer, and even some out there struggling with vulvar pain may also not identify as female. I try to use the words “people with vaginas” instead of women because language and inclusion matter.

Sexual Health Advice I would definitely say to get checked regularly even if you don’t have any symptoms (since many don’t show any signs). I would highly recommend using any kind of protection. Whichever one works for you is fine! I think one of the most important things you can do to take care of yourself is practicing effective and open communication. Having the conversation beforehand with the person you’re planning on having sex with is crucial! Stick to your boundaries as well. If you’re not okay having sex without protection and your sexual partner is pushing you to do it without, you have every right to say no! You have no obligation to do anything you are uncomfortable with no matter what the person may be saying in the moment.

Advice To You If You have Shame Towards Your Pelvic Pain I would tell them that they are most definitely not alone. I would tell them that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you as a person and that it does not make you any less loveable or worthy than someone without it. For so long I referred to myself as broken, and sometimes I still catch myself saying that today. I’m not broken. You are not broken. As I said earlier, I think the emotional pain that comes with chronic pelvic pain is worse than the physical (at least it has been for me). I’ve been struggling for over three years now, and it’s still not something I talk about openly. Many people in my life don’t even know I struggle with this, and even the ones that do probably don’t know how much it affects my life. Fighting through that shame involves a lot of mantras, therapy, and being vulnerable with my partner. Find a safe person to talk to whether it be a friend, family member, partner, or therapist.

Forewarning, a lot of people can be invalidating, hurtful, and downright annoying (even if they don’t realize it and mean well). There’s support groups online and a whole community of pelvic pain warriors on social media. I think it can be helpful to know that you are not alone in this and to hear from people who truly get it.

The Validation Needed In This Area.

I often wonder how the outcome would have been different if instead of encouraging me to drink wine and use more lube, I was actually listened

These conditions aren’t talked about enough.

The many conditions that cause chronic pelvic and vulvar pain are not uncommon, but I had never heard of them. Not only is the general public unaware, but doctors are uneducated as well. The amount of horror stories I have heard similar to mine is unreal. We are also not taught enough about our bodies and sex growing up. I was shocked to learn that many women have been told that some pain during sex is normal and just needs to be tolerated.

Many people are under the impression that women do not enjoy sex as much as men. We know that some pain during your period is normal but debilitating pain that leaves you screaming out in agony is not. Not only do women often not feel comfortable enough expressing sexual health concerns with their doctor, but even if they do they are often dismissed. The heath gap among genders is real and it’s a damn shame how many are suffering because of it.

If you are experiencing pain, you DESERVE to be heard, validated, and acknowledged. I’m sorry if you have continuously been dismissed or made to believe you’re crazy. Please keep searching for help because it is out there. Keep going to doctors and when they don’t believe you go to a different one. Find a therapist and reach out for support. Let yourself be angry, cry, and feel all the feelings. Have compassion with yourself and your body. Practice mindfulness and try to stay in the present moment.

Distract yourself with things you love when a million worries and fears start racing through your head. Remember that you are NOT alone and that there is hope out there. I may not be pain-free, but don’t let that discourage you because I am in a hell of a lot better place than I was three years ago. I will continue to fight and move forward, and I believe you can too.

Closing Words Of course I would love for this pain to go away completely, but I know that sometimes life has a different path for you than you’d like. I’m managing.

I’m coping. I’m living my life. I’m laughing again. I’m back to making all the dirty jokes. I’m re-learning how to experience pleasure. I’m rediscovering myself and getting back in touch with my body. As cliché as it is, I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that everything works out in the end. No, this whole experience hasn’t exactly been fun, but I’ve learned a lot. It’s opened my eyes to a major issue with our health system and how the medical field treats women. It’s made me more passionate about sexual health and education.

It’s strengthened my relationship with my partner.

It brought a lot of suffering, but I do think out of suffering comes a whole lot of strength.

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