Toi Magazine June/July 2019 Issue Number #17

j u n e / j u l y 2 0 1 9 i s s e n o . 1 7 M A G A Z I N E

WHY DID THAT AFFECT ME, BUT NOT HER?

SAY "NO" TO THE WORDS, "MOVE ON." & "GET OVER IT". SAY "YES" TO SPEAKING

TRAUMA

ABOUT THE FEELINGS OF

DISCUSSING

TOXIC SHAME

GRIEF Jan Warner of FB Grief Speaks Out, Judy Knox, Dr.O'Malley, and Catherine Keating speak on grieving as a wife, father, and mother (miscarriage)

WITH

DR.SHAWN HORN

w w w . t o i m a g a z i n e . c o m

PHOTOGRAPHER: @LETTICIA BISSONDUT

C O N T E N T S

TRAUMA SPECIALIST DR. BEUERLEIN

CONNECTING THE DOTS WITH DR.SHAWN HORN

MISCARRIAGE & GRIEF WITH CATHERINE KEATING

GRIEF & PERSONAL STORIES

TOIMAGAZINETEAM@GMAIL.COM (415)689-9465) FEEL FREE TO EMAIL US FOR QUESTIONS OR AD INQUIRIES

WWW.TOIMAGAZINE.COM

@TOI.MAGAZINE

MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH WITH DR.KUPPERMAN

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS & STORIES (OCD,BPD,C-PTSD, BIPOLAR DISORDER & MORE)

It is a pleasure of mine, as always, to be of service to Toi's readers and those we work for/with. I hope that this issue can help you in an area of your life that you have once felt hopeless in. I hope that with this magazine issue, you are able to realize that it is okay to not be okay and FEEL your sadness (any emotion). Acknowledge your feelings, yet know when to use those feelings to bring you to where you'd like to be mentally.

Editor's Note: "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."

Proverbs 23:7

Share the moments of your life that you feel no one else can relate to you about because for some "odd" reason, those happen to be the exact moments that MANY people we never even knew we would connect with, start to relate to us.

Change your paradigm, change your world.

Your story means so much. Do not doubt it. Share it when you feel the time is right.

-Autumn Farr @autumn_uuumm (Founder & Editor-In-Chief of Toi Magazine)

Graphic Design: Lauren Kulp Autumn Farr

All content in Toi Magazine should not be used as a solution to any medical or mental health issues.

Please see and consult with your therapist, licensed physican, etc.

All content in Toi Magazine is strictly for entertainment purposes.

WHY DID THIS AFFECT ME, BUT NOT HER?

DR. ALISSA BEUERLEIN

U N D E R S T A N D I N G T R A U M A

WWW.DRALISSACOUNSELING.COM

"TRAUMA IS A DISTRESSING EXPERIENCE." About Dr.Alissa Beuerlein I am a licensed professional counselor in Nashville, TN. I specialize in trauma in my practice and have been practicing for ten years.

I enjoy watching standup comedy. My work is pretty serious most of the time, so I need a good laugh! My secret dream is to host SNL. Well, maybe not so secret now.

I also love spending time with my husband and three sons. We enjoy going to the lake, eating pizza, and they enjoy legos while I enjoy not legos.

What Is Trauma?

Trauma is a distressing experience. While this is a broad definition, it truly encompasses trauma. This is what makes it so subjective. It comes down to a person and what is distressing to that individual. One person can walk away from a car accident with very little distress, while another person may not be able to re-enter a car without panic attacks.

There’s also what we refer to as “big T traumas” and “little t traumas.”

Trauma (with a big T) are those everyone would say is traumatic: rape, war, witnessing violent death, threat of death to self, natural disaster, etc. Little t traumas are those experiences that vary greatly person to person in their coding as “trauma” or “not trauma.” For example, someone may experience a teacher calling them out in second grade as “stupid” and go on about their life without a second thought about it. Another person with the same experience may rate this as an adult as highly distressing, because it was encoded in their brain as Trauma. We process both types of trauma the same way Potential Affects From Trauma (Trauma Reactions) People’s trauma reactions vary widely and often in part due to personality and other life experiences. Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is the most obvious and commonly diagnosed trauma response. However, many people also experience symptoms that lead to a Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) or Acute Stress Disorder or even Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). We can also see Conversion Disorder as a trauma response as well, which may manifest in ways such as non-epileptic seizures or uncontrollable convulsions.

An area that may also go overlooked as trauma reactions (particularly in long-term, ongoing trauma as in child abuse) are physical health problems stemming from the stress put on the body from trauma and anxiety. Adverse childhood experiences (ACES) have been linked to heart disease, cancer, and early death, among other things.

Identifying Symptoms Trauma symptoms can be different based on the person and the trauma.

Some symptoms are: nightmares, flashbacks, avoidance of the trauma (talking about it, thinking about it, places that remind the person of it, etc.), hypervilgilence, sensitivity to sounds, low mood, high anxiety, and negative thoughts. Some people will have all of these symptoms and more, where others will have only a few of these symptoms. Both situations are still very important. Symptoms may arise immediately or many months after the trauma.

C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) & PTSD While complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is not yet a recognized disorder in our diagnostic manual (DSM-V), many trauma researchers and specialists recognize the difference between C-PTSD and PTSD. C-PTSD is found in people who have experienced significant and long-term trauma. For example, someone who was sexually abused from the age of 3-12 is likely

someone who fits C-PTSD rather than only PTSD. C-PTSD is differentiated from PTSD in that those with C-PTSD often require longer treatment in therapy due to long held negative core beliefs about self and the world and are often significantly emotional dysregulated. They can both be treated with trauma therapies such as trauma focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) and eye movement desensitization reprocessing (EMDR), two of the most common approaches to trauma. TF-CBT is a talk-based therapy while EMDR focuses on internal processing without a lot of talking.

Advice to Parents I would strongly encourage a parent to take their child to a trauma counselor if they experienced a trauma or if they are exhibiting PTSD symptoms. PTSD can appear different in children than in adults. Some symptoms of PTSD in children are behavioral changes, involuntary urination/defecation, nightmares, refusal to go to school, major change in behaviors around a specific person, and sexual behavior problems (performing sexual actions with other children, exposing genitals in public over the age of six, etc.).

Advice to Those Who Have Experienced Trauma You’re not alone. There are so many other people struggling with similar things. You’re not crazy. You’re not broken. And this doesn’t have to last forever. Find a counselor you trust to work on these issues together (it’s ok if you don’t fully trust them right away).

C-PTSD from Sexual Abuse in Childhood This is often an issue I see in my private practice. It’s very common to have difficulty with healthy sexual relationships after experiencing sexual abuse.

Aside from, “please go to therapy” (I know, I’m really pressing in on that one), know that again, this is a typical reaction to an atypical experience.

Be honest with your sexual partner(s) about what it is you’re comfortable with ahead of time. If you can, tell your partner that there’s abuse in your history. Don’t put too much pressure on what has to happen during sex.

Know that it’s ok to stop having sex at any point during sexual contact.

Trying to start slow with sexual contact will help you see what you can handle without being triggered.

Again, know that this isn’t a fixed experience. What is difficult for you to do now may not be difficult in six months.

Misconceptions About Trauma I find most people think trauma is very specific things: seeing people killed in battle, brutal back alley rape, etc. While these violent experiences are traumatic, they do not encompass the entirety of trauma and I think are used by some people to draw a line for what is and isn’t trauma or to invalidate their own traumatic experiences.

Not Talked About Enough Trauma isn’t discussed enough in our culture, period. When it is discussed, it’s terrifying details of the worst traumas imaginable. What isn’t discussed are the traumas that don’t immediately incite a big emotional reaction. We need to recognize that all trauma is important and that people don’t just “get over” trauma when it’s over.

Our culture fails miserably when it comes to difficult emotions. We are becoming more aware of the need for expressing emotion, but we still aren’t great at actually allowing people to do that. I had a counselor friend who died by suicide several years ago and I can even recall other counselors asking me at his funeral, “are you ok? You seem really upset.” Of course I wasn’t ok! My friend died. But again, our culture is not comfortable expressing emotions in the moment.

Difficulties Seen in Some with C-PTSD I’ve noticed that people with C-PTSD have significant difficulty managing smaller challenges (but may handle big issues with greater ease). I believe that because many people with C-PTSD had long term childhood trauma, they didn’t have the same opportunity to gain life skills as their peers without significant trauma. So, now, as adults in trauma treatment, they’re simultaneously learning how to process their traumas while also learning how to manage life stressors.

People with C-PTSD can most certainly have a healthy and happy life! No

person is hopeless. While having C-PTSD affects every area of a person’s life, it isn’t who the person is at their core. It’s their experience, it doesn’t define them. I also often say that people who have experienced significant trauma are my favorite people, because they are often the most understanding and compassionate people.

Treatment is available for people with C-PTSD. It’s not easy, but my clients would say it is definitely worth it.

Why I Became A Trauma Specialist I didn’t start in my counseling career thinking I would work with trauma, the traumatized found me. I was working in community mental health, which I learned through experience is basically just trauma work. I also realized early on in working with my clients that I needed to address my own traumatic experiences in order to best meet the needs of my clients.

Doing my own personal trauma work with an exceptional therapist was the single most healing thing I’ve ever done for myself.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse and struggled with anxiety and depression from early childhood until adulthood. After doing my own counseling for these issues, I wanted to help other people experience the same kind of healing.

I find working with trauma issues to be very meaningful. It’s incredible to see someone struggling with PTSD get to a place where they can honestly say, “yeah, none of this bothers me anymore.” Healing is so evident in trauma work and it is my favorite.

Doing this work has changed my life. I have only grown in compassion and understanding for people. This isn’t to say I’m perfect at it, that’s far from true. But, I can now make sense of behaviors that perplexed and frustrated me before. I am also amazed at the resilience and strength of people. I’ve seen people who’ve been through the worst experiences imaginable and they’re still standing.

I am so thankful that I found trauma work, because I get the privilege of seeing people’s trauma injuries heal. It’s unbelievable to me at times that people allow me into such a sacred space and I try not to take that for granted.

" I G E T T H E P R I V I L E G E O F S E E I N G P E O P L E ’ S

TRAUMA INJURIES HEAL."

CONNECTING THE DOTS Photography by Letticia Bissondut www.letticiabissondut.com @letticiabissondut

TOPIC:

toxic shame

with Dr.Shawn Horn LICENSED

CLINICAL

PSYCHOLOGIST

@drshawnhorn Host of "The Sassy Shrink!" Podcast Founder of @pyschologydirectory Shawn Horn, PsyD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, in private practice, with 27 years’ experience in the mental health field. You can hear her podcast, “The Rock Your Awesome Show with Dr. Shawn Horn” on iTunes and google play and find her on social media @drshawnhorn. This column is for educational purposes and is not intended as direct medical advice nor constitutes a professional relationship with Dr. Shawn. If needed, please seek support in your community.

T

There’s no Shame in the Game of Mental Health!

Bill Gates, entrepreneur and philanthropist as well as comedian Dan Aykroyd reportedly have high functioning Autism (previously known as Asperger’s Syndrome) and are successful! Demi Lovato, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Frank Sinatra, JeanClaude Van, Winston Churchill reportedly have/had Bipolar Disorder and are/were highly successful.

Dwayne Johnson (shout out to “The Rock” Fans, one of which is ME!) openly discussed his struggles with Depression (OMG I love the ROCK!).

Other celebrities who have openly discussed their struggles with Depression include Jim Carrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Johnny Depp, Chris Evans, Harrison Ford and Anne Hathaway. During an interview in 2013, Oprah Winfrey stated anxiety nearly caused her to have a nervous breakdown. These successful celebrities have been admired by the public and made a positive difference in this world! And, at the same time, they had a mental health diagnosis. How have we developed such a stigma regarding mental health? Well, I suggest, toxic shame has been the culprit!

Toxic shame is the message that something is wrong with you, that you’re flawed, different, unworthy, a disgrace, unlikeable, unlovable and unacceptable. Toxic Shame tells us it’s not ok to be weak, to be vulnerable, to make a mistake, nor to have imperfections. It occurs when we are given unrealistic expectations which are not developmentally appropriate. When we are expected to behave, to know, to have skills which either our bodies can’t do, we haven’t acquired, don’t have the resources, nor have ever been taught. We are give the message of toxic shame when we are expected to deny our human condition, our human experience, to not feel what we feel, know what we know, need what we need, think what we think or see what we see. Confused and unaware we may internalize this message of shame and BELIEVE there really is something wrong with us. The message, “bad boy” or “bad girl” taught us we are not separate from our behavior or circumstances.

Therefore, if we struggle, we are a struggle, if we experience depression, we are depressed….and ultimately, if we are finding our life to be difficult, we must end our life. This is the LIE of SHAME! Shame also tells us if we have a problem, focus on ‘appearance’ management. Don’t let people know you are struggling. Therefore, if you are struggling with depression, don’t let people know or they’ll think something is wrong with you, that you are flawed and “crazy.” There are so many dangerous problems with this message! Ultimately, this leaves someone to their own solutions. When one isn’t properly equipped with the right tools, resources or mindset to help them get through a particular struggle they are vulnerable to coming up with a solution that may create a bigger problem! This is where stigma is so dangerous!

Stigma is defined as a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person. Synonyms include shame, disgrace and dishonor. Wow, that is really heavy right! Ultimately, it is saying your mental health, your struggles, emotions, circumstances are disgraceful and shameful. This makes me sick to my stomach! Come on people, how are we making ones emotions, struggles, experiences a disgrace? Are we going to tell Oprah or the Rock, two of my favorite people, they are a disgrace? Never! Let’s stop feeding this mindset and promoting the Stigma of Mental Illness.

I’m going to be painfully honest with you right now! If you have a mental health diagnosis you are actually normal and part of the human race! Yep, its true. Recent statistics show 1 in 5 Americans have a diagnosis. Given how much Shame interferes with disclosure it is likely these stats are an underrepresentation of what is really experienced. In order for us to correct this shame-bound message and mindset we need to learn what are appropriate expectations for ourselves, others and for the human experience. We must understand it is normal to have struggles, difficulties, weaknesses and mistakes. How can we know how to be masterful if we never learned what it takes to be masterful?

Please don’t blame yourself or others if you haven’t been taught.

This awareness will help you identify what you need so that you can get the appropriate help. Good news is there are lots of resources! Therapists, Psychologists, Spiritual Teachers, Mentors, Religious groups, Community Centers and more. Just make sure they are shame-free and a good fit for you. Remember Shame is a liar, Stigma is a liar! You are okay even if you don’t feel ok.

Your struggles, emotions, thoughts and circumstances are something you are experiencing; they do not define who you are. The shame-free approach is focused on Problem Management. If there is a problem, shame-free says go get the help you need! The good news you can and will get better with the right resources! There is no shame in having mental health struggles.

Dr. Shawn Horn in Santa Monica with her friends for Self Care Wellness Weekend @exploring.therapy @backtolovedoc @_drsoph @drzoeshaw @haydenfinchphd @privatepractice

@DREKUPPERMAN WWW.DRELYSEKUPPERMAN.COM

MATERNAL MENTAL HEALTH WITH

DR.ELYSE KUPPERMAN

UNDERSTANDING PMADS Elyse Kupperman Chaifetz Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist with offices in Flatiron and the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Dr. Kupperman offers cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for adults and adolescents coping with a variety of symptoms and life stressors. As a trained health psychologist, Dr. Kupperman specializes in women's mental health, including difficulties trying to conceive as well as perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.

PPD and PPA PMADs is a term used to describe a wide range of emotional disorders a woman can experience during pregnancy and after the birth of her child(ren).

While many people are familiar with postpartum depression (PPD), which falls under the umbrella

category of PMADs, it’s now known that many women experience postpartum anxiety (PPA) in addition to or in the alternative to PPD. Postpartum anxiety specifically affects mothers who have recently given birth and is marked by a significant increase in anxiety, with potential symptoms including panic attacks, intrusive thoughts and worries, and the inability to relax or reassured.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), approximately 1 in 7 women will experience a PMAD, including PPD or PPA. Many women (in fact, 60-80%) experience what is often referred to as the “baby blues,” i.e. feeling stressed, sad, anxious, lonely, tired, or weepy following birth.

This can sometimes be the result of fluctuating hormones and disrupted sleep patterns. It's also common to feel emotional when your entire life has just changed drastically. However, if your symptoms last longer than two weeks, you may be

experiencing a PMAD. Symptoms of a PMAD can appear any time during pregnancy and the first 12 months after childbirth.

Postpartum depression is the most commonly diagnosed PMAD. Women who are at greater risk for developing postpartum depression have experienced previous episodes of depression, a stressful life event during pregnancy or shortly after giving birth, medical complications during childbirth, mixed feelings about the pregnancy, or a lack of strong emotional support. In my practice, I’ve also seen a high incidence of women experiencing their first episode of a PMAD following the birth of their second child. Understandably so, twice the demand can be more of a challenge for the parent(s).

If you're experiencing emotional difficulties following pregnancy, it is important to know that you are not to blame for your symptoms, you are not alone, and there is excellent treatment available.

Postpartum Support International is a wonderful resource with a helpline, which will connect you to a trained professional; visit www.postpartum.net.

Symptoms of PMADs (Postpartum Depression and/or Postpartum Anxiety) Some of the common symptoms of PMADs include: feeling sad, hopeless, or overwhelmed; worrying or feeling overly anxious; increased irritability; difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much; difficulty concentrating; loss of interest in activities; change in appetite; having trouble bonding with your baby; doubting your ability to care for your child; experiencing intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior.

Have MORE Maternal Mental Health Conversations!!

When I was pregnant, I spent a lot of time asking friends who had given birth everything (and I mean everything) about labor, delivery, and life with a baby. I found that hearing a variety of stories made me feel more comfortable with the uncertainty around such a big experience and huge transition.

Now that I'm a mom, I often find myself on the other side of these conversations. I'm asked to share the nitty-gritty of my childbirth experience and observations about bringing a newborn home with friends and acquaintances all the time. But, only rarely am I asked questions about postpartum mental health. I can't help but think that the avoidance of this topic aligns with our culture's lack of awareness and stigmatization of common mental health issues. It is so important to discuss women’s mental health post-baby in an effort to decrease the stigma associated with the mood and anxiety disorders that affect some mothers after giving birth.

Becoming a parent is stressful and people don’t often willingly share some of the negative thoughts that may arise. Sometimes parenting can be boring and at other times it can feel non-stop demanding.

There are going to be moments when you don’t want to change a diaper or sit through a feed with a picky toddler. It’s normal to think this way and it’s also normal to miss a time in your life when you were more carefree and had less responsibility.

These feelings do not make you a bad parent!

Advice to Partners I believe the first step in helping your partner during a challenging emotional time is listening. Ask them how they are feeling and what you can do to help. In fact, one of the issues that comes up most in my work with new moms is that they feel their partner does not help enough, and that the bulk of the work falls on just them. If you plan on breastfeeding and/or your partner returns to work sooner than you, then you may find that this is true for you because of the circumstances. But, consider the many ways that the partner can help with or take control of a task, whether it’s dealing with laundry or cleaning up, managing visits from friends and family, or simply letting you sleep. It’s really important for each partner to assertively and respectfully communicate their needs to one another. Don’t assume that your partner knows what you want or what you’re thinking.

If you notice your partner experiencing some of the symptoms of PMADs and those symptoms are

negatively impacting their quality of life, talk to your partner about how they’re feeling. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to recommend that your partner contact their OB/GYN or a mental health professional. (Note: although less common, men can experience PMADs too!)

Advice to Mothers Try to become more mindful of your own self-talk.

Guilt is such a common emotion for moms to feel, even when they aren’t doing anything to feel guilty about. Try to focus on assessing your behavior rather than evaluating and judging it. For example, “I am a horrible parent for not going to my son’s music class today” (a judgment) can become, “I did not go to my son’s music class today” (an assessment). An assessment is not good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative.

Another form of judgment that can be self-defeating are the “shoulds”. Examples of this include: “I should be enjoying this more” and “I shouldn’t need help from anyone.” This type of language will set you up to be disappointed in yourself.

Personally, it’s been important for me and my own mental health to be honest about my experiences as a mom. At times I dislike the part of parenting that feels like work, like the nightly bedtime routine. Yet, I cherish our morning cuddles. Recognizing that disliking an aspect of caretaking is okay stemmed from my ability to acknowledge these thoughts and feelings and allow them to be just as they are.

Opening up about feelings and encouraging an honest conversation with your partner and peers, particularly parents with kids of similar ages, can be really helpful.

Dr. Elyse Kuppermna's "Why"?

From an early age I knew that I wanted a career in healthcare. Through pursuing an undergraduate degree in public health, I realized that becoming a psychologist was the right path for me, as I was most passionate about working with individuals, particularly those suffering from mood and anxiety disorders. After becoming a mother myself, it became particularly clear that new moms (and dads) need more community support. It has since been my goal to help destigmatize perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) in an effort to increase access to care.

"TRY TO BECOME MORE MINDFUL OF YOUR

SELFTALK."

G R I E F & M I S C A R R I A G E W I T H

ALL PHOTOS FROMPHOTOGRAPHER: SUNG PARK @SUNG.PHOTO

CATHERINE KEATIG AUTHOR OF "THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BABY"

As a child I moved from Indiana to New Jersey, then spent college and post college years in Boston, then moved to Seattle on a whim with my husband. Our plan was to stay for one year to see if we liked it – and that was 14 summers ago.

My background is in education – I’ve taught elementary special education as well as many years of pre-school. I am also a yoga teacher, mostly for women. I am passionate about supporting mothers in all stages of motherhood – from TTC to pregnancy to birth and beyond. I am currently working on a new project that will serve to support mothers who identify as Highly Sensitive – both resources and a mentorship program to guide them in alleviating the overwhelm and anxiety so that HS mothers can embrace their sensitivity as a superpower.

I have two wonderfully curious, sensitive, fun-loving children – my son is 8 and my daughter is 6. I feel very fortunate to spend my days in a home filled with lots of love, with my kids, my lovely husband, and sweet 11 year old puppy.

When I’m not baking cakes with my baking-obsessed 6 year old or playing soccer with my ever active 8 year old, I love reading and writing, playing at the beach, walking quietly through the trees, playing piano and listening to music, having open ended days with my family – days with nothing to do are my favorite days!

I spend a lot of time now unwinding from perfectionism and trying to be all the things to all the people. I try to make spaces for little bits of beauty throughout my days, for allowing opportunity to find me, instead of striving so hard to reach goals. I desperately need my quiet time, I’m learning to embrace my sensitivity, and I’m making less plans and enjoying ‘little’ moments more and more.

M O R E

www.therewassupposedtobeababy.com www.catherinekeating.com @catherinekeating_

A B O U T

C A T H E R I N E

" R O O M

D A R K N E S S Being a mother was never a question for me. I knew I would grow up to be a mother and a teacher. After my husband and I had been married a couple years, we were ready to become parents. Our first pregnancy happened very quickly – and innocently enough, I didn’t even have it on my radar that anything other than a happy, healthy, baby would be born somewhere around the due date I was given. I had factual information, somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, that miscarriages happened. But they hadn’t happened to anyone I knew, and since babies and children are something that come so naturally to me, I assumed the Universe would deliver my babies when I asked. I immediately bonded with my little one – in body, mind, and spirit – I could not wait to meet him.

About 11 weeks in, I was teaching when noticed a little spotting in the bathroom. I knew inside of me something was wrong, but still could not fathom that it might be that elusive thing called ‘a miscarriage.’ I left school and went home to rest. By the next morning, I was in the worst pain of my entire life and was bleeding quite a bit. I ended up at a teaching hospital on a Saturday – not something I would recommend – they had to call in staff to see me – way too much time waiting for an answer and knowing what to do next. Finally, I was given some pain medication and the choice of completing the miscarriage at home or in the hospital. I knew I wanted my home, so we left. I don’t think I fully comprehended what was happening until the next day, even. I could not believe this could be happening to us – why would we lose a baby?

F O R

A N D

B O T H

M Y

their experiences, I felt initiated into a club that no one wants to be in, but a club that had deep meaning. And I was angry – oh so angry – that it was such a secret club that would-be members were still walking around feeling lonely, filled with shame, and in the dark about how to grieve.

But. I (again, ignorantly and innocently) decided that since I had my one miscarriage and had done a lot of work with my body, mind, and spirit, my next pregnancy would go off without a hitch.

My next pregnancy also happened quickly – a few months after my first miscarriage. Initially, I had a harder time connecting to her being – I was so afraid of losing her. But, I fell madly in love with her – used to dream about rose petals falling around her – I knew she would be filled with beauty. Eight weeks in, however, life had a different plan, and I ended up, again, at the hospital bleeding.

This time, we were on a family vacation in Florida, far away from my home in Seattle. I was in an unfamiliar hospital – one with unfamiliar rules. When it came time for me to receive an ultrasound to diagnose the cause of my bleeding, the staff wouldn’t let my husband come back to the ultrasound room with me. “Family only” is the phrase they kept saying. To which I responded that he was the father of the baby – “Nope. Family only.” Still makes zero sense to me, by the way.

But there I was, knowing I was about to be told my second baby was dead, and I was smiling and waving at my husband as I was wheeled away – so that he wouldn’t worry about me.

Such a female thing to do, right? Be in our worst imaginable pain, but put on a smile and wave so that the ones she loves don’t worry about her?

I found out later I had experienced a ‘missed miscarriage’ - the fetus had stopped developing at 8 weeks – I had been carrying around a dead body inside my body for three weeks. For me, that was added insult to injury and added another layer of grief to work through.

Sure enough, alone in the ultrasound room, a brisk business-like woman performed the ultrasound, without the slightest bit of sensitivity, looked right at me and pronounced “yep.

Second failed pregnancy.” And that was that.

I did know enough to know I would need to work through my grief in a way that felt meaningful to me. I created a ceremony to say goodbye to my little one – we planted a tree with notes buried in the soil and lit candles for my baby. I took some time, got a little more educated, and discovered that in truth, many many more pregnancies end in miscarriages than I had known. When women started coming forward and telling me about

The words stung. Brutally. Who was she to tell me my babies were failures? Certainly, my pregnancies hadn’t resulted in what I wanted – “second failed pregnancy”?

Second failed pregnancy.

This time, I felt more than anger at the silence around miscarriage.

I felt rage at how little information women were given in the first place, at the words used to describe a sacred experience, at the shame women were feeling for something that was NOT

M Y

L I G H T . " their fault, for feeling like I shouldn’t tell people what was going on, at the unknowingly painful comments others made, at how alone each woman is in her grief journey.

I also felt a sense that for me, this was going to be about a deeper sense of healing than preparing for a next pregnancy. I knew I was embarking on a soul journey, on something that would transform the way I walked in my world – and I decided to dive in completely. The other option was spending my life foggy inside of depression – and that wasn’t me. I knew light, I knew joy, and I wanted to live in such a way that there was room for both my darkness and my light.

The Need to Create My Book, "There Was Supposed To Be A Baby" Not only was I devastated at the loss of life I had been carrying, but I was angry that other people had no idea something so transformative such as having shared my body with another being had even happened. There was no container to talk about it, no sense of normalcy when discussing it.

Beyond devastated, I was furious. I couldn’t fathom how women, these strong, brave, beautiful women, were made to feel about their pregnancy losses. I was angry even at the words used to describe the loss – miscarriage – as in “you carried the baby wrong.” Instead of being recognized as beacons of strength, goddesses of fertility, we were meant to be quiet, to suffer alone, and to get on with it.

Society isn’t comfortable with feelings or vulnerability- and that infuriated me. I knew I needed to work through my own grief in three separate but intertwining layers – mind, body, spirit – so I created my own plan to do so. When I moved through my personal grief journey and I was noticing how deeply healing my practices were, I knew I had to share it with others. I’ve always known I had a story to write, and this seemed to write itself. I had to let people know that it was Ok to acknowledge their grief, that it was healthy to dive into it, that our bodies, minds, and spirits needed nourishment, and that there were, in fact, ways to do that.

I wanted this book to serve as a friendly companion, a guidebook along the road of grief. Something that a bereaved mama could pick up, flip through, and land on an idea, a quote, a journal prompt, a yoga pose, anything that resonated at that particular moment. Personally, I

spent so much time searching for the answer to “what do I do now? How do I walk forward with this?” and I couldn’t find anything. I wanted to create that sort of guide for others.

Second Thoughts Along the Way I guess with the self-publishing and business work that has come with it I’ve experienced a level of anxiety and “I’m not doing enough” kind of thing.

I’ve half-heartedly wondered “Should I really have spent all this time and energy on this project? Was there an easier way?” or “was all this worth it?” or that kind of thing, but when I get quiet with myself and ask my heart that very question I know I birthed this project into the world at it’s right time and in it’s right way.

I’ve always been fairly comfortable with my vulnerability – If my story can help one other person, it is worth opening up and showing myself.

There really didn’t seem a choice at the time – I couldn’t stand the idea of other women feeling as lost as I had, searching for answers, just wanting to know “what do I do now?” And not the big picture – do I try again for another baby? But the immediate “What do I do now?” as in “How do I get out of bed and face the world today?” If I could ease the pain of that question for one person – exposing my vulnerability is so worth it.

For whatever reason, it has been much more challenging for me to share openly about my post-partum anxiety and challenges with staying mentally well while raising my son and daughter than it was to share my miscarriages. I’ve felt much more timid about letting people see that side of me. I didn’t feel judged about my miscarriages (perhaps about my methods of grieving) but I feel judged about my “failures” as a mother.

Meaningful Mementos & Acknowledging Your Feelings I would absolutely advocate for doing something – anything from lighting a candle in the morning and spending a moment in silence, to displaying any mementos and pictures you may have, to spending time in a yoga class, to treating yourself to a loving massage that day. The body is a funny thing – even if we aren’t completely aware of how our emotions and feelings will show up – chances are – they will. Take extra good care of yourself, be gentle, welcome any feeling that arises without judgment, and let them pass through, trusting they are there for the highest healing good. I would strongly advise against ignoring it – ignoring our feelings and deep desires doesn’t make them go away. It just hides them until they reemerge in a new form.

The Recurring Thoughts I think everyone has to find what works for her. Some may benefit from talk therapy, some from something like EFT, acupuncture/massage, some perhaps from a goodbye ritual. I love

writing letters, burning them, and then sending the ashes off into water.

I also find mantra to be very powerful in releasing thought patterns we no longer need. I repeated the Sanskrit mantra for peace over and over again, still do, often – om shanti shanti shanti – as a way to quiet my mind.

'Move On.' The Worst Piece of Advice I've Ever Received A friend told me soon after that it was a good thing that I now knew I was on the right path and working toward my goal – (my goal having a baby). And now I could move on to the next step of that path so that I could reach my goal. The idea of my baby being anything less than a spiritual existence was foreign to me. At the same time, hearing this underlying cultural message spoken aloud – tidy up and move on – was crucial for me to hear, to acknowledge, and to start to unpack as I grieved the way I needed to, and definitely was a catalyst for me to create a public platform to talk about grief.

Supporting Your Loved One/Friend Just be there. Say I’m sorry for your loss. Say I’m here to listen when you need me. Say I love you. Say something – anything simple and supportive.

I would strongly advise against trying to fill the silence with ‘at least’s. “At least it was only 9 weeks along.” “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

“At least you can try again – you are young.” None of those statements acknowledge the life that was lost.

None of these meets the mother where she is, but rather asks her to skip over her sadness and look for the silver lining. For a while, there is no silver lining, and it is NO one’s job to try to provide one. Let her be sad. Let her process. She will be ok, but she needs to sit in her sadness, her disbelief, her rage for a while. The best friends are the ones who let her.

I would tell grieving mothers that when someone says something hurtful to you – it’s not you, it’s them.

They may not have had an experience yet that allows them to understand from your perspective. They may think they are being helpful – they don’t understand how hurtful their words can be. That doesn’t make it any easier to hear, but it can allow you to take a deep breath, release the words, and let it go.

We Need to Normalize Pregnancy of All Kinds Something to this day that I rarely speak of, because I feel a level of shame that I didn’t know better, was the fact that when my first miscarriage finally finished, no longer in the hospital but back at home, that through my tears and pain medication, I was sitting on the toilet, and I felt something slip out. I turned around and without even thinking or pausing or registering what that small mass was, I automatic pilot flushed it down the toilet. Flushed my baby down a toilet. Without even acknowledging that had been his little body. I strongly feel that if talking about all this were more normalized, that if I had some sense of the sacred birth I was part of, that I would have handled that moment differently.

That moment is one of the few regrets

I have in my entire life. That I reached out and flushed my baby’s body down a toilet. (And at the same time, I have no doubt that his spirit is still with me and in no way judges me for that moment).

I strongly believe that if our society would normalize discussions around pregnancy of all kinds that someone else might have the wherewithal or presence of mind to think through each and every action she takes along the way, as I wasn’t able to do.

Feelings of Guilt? Shame? Doubt in Your Body?

Oh yes, I think this is very common.

Whether knowing it or not knowing it, our society gives a message to the woman that the outcome of any pregnancy is a direct result of her every decision. When a beautiful, healthy baby is born, a mother is applauded for all her hard work.

When a pregnancy is anything but – when it ends early, with a dead baby – it seems normal that her initial reaction would be ‘this is a direct result of something I did.’

But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it is that pregnancies and babies don’t happen exactly on our own schedules.

That there is a lot more involved than perfect decision making. That there is a lot of letting-go in the process, of trusting that we can’t be in charge of every detail. There is a lot we are not in charge of.

And with that – it’s not your fault. It is not it is not it is not your fault.

I’m in no way mitigating the importance of taking care of oneself during pregnancy – eating a healthy diet, getting enough rest, abstaining from alcohol, smoking and drugs, and all of that for a healthy baby. Of course that is vitally important. But we’ve all seen healthy babies born to a mother who didn’t make those choices. And we’ve all seen healthy mothers who made every single right decision end up with a dead baby.

Your miscarriage is NOT your fault.

For me, comfort about this came with my spiritual practice. I believe souls come through bodies with an intention or a purpose for that particular lifetime, and that while some lifetimes may take 98 years, others complete their purpose very quickly. I believe my first babies completed their soul’s journeys in those few weeks they were housed within my body. I know we all hold very different spiritual beliefs and that won’t comfort someone else’s ‘It’s my fault’ – but I would encourage you to dive deeper into that feeling and see if there is a way you mind be able to convince yourself – It is not my fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. So important to the healing process to acknowledge and to truly believe and accept. I think a lot of healing can get stagnant when we don’t fully release this guilt ridden feeling of ‘I did this.This is my fault.”

Closing Words (cont. on next page)

Now, years later, when I look back on my miscarriages, I no longer feel sadness. I feel overwhelming gratitude for the souls who re-birthed me. Up until their very short lives, I had been extremely focused on the idea of productivity and achievement.

I felt a constant need to prove myself, as though I had to earn my space on this earth. But when life quickly turned to death, my heart cracked open wider than it had ever been.

With that crack, the pain is nearly intolerable, but it also creates space for all the other emotions of life to find a home. Colors became brighter, songs sweeter, and joy more pure.

With the darkest shadows comes the brightest light. I’ve since learned to structure (or not structure!) my days so much - but to be receptive open by tiny moments of grace.

I was very tightly wound, a perfectionist to the extreme before my first babies. I was convinced that if I could be in control of every moment, I could maybe, someday, be ‘enough’ for this world. My babies taught me life doesn’t need to be filled with to-do lists and shoulds, that I didn’t need to prove my worth to a single person. That me being here is enough.

I also know now that my physical body was experiencing adrenal fatigue at the time. I could barely take care of my own physical needs, yet I was ignoring that, trying to force my body to care for me AND create a living being. In order to function in any sort of way, I needed to put myself first and take care of my physical needs. These were my first lessons in creating boundaries for myself, in caring for my own needs before others, and in saying no when the yes doesn’t serve me. Without a doubt, I’m a better mother to Tucker and Grace because of the lessons my first babies taught me. I find myself surrounded by more delight – the joy that comes only when one has also known despair.

As my journey through motherhood continues, I’m more and more aware of how vital maternal mental health is, and I continue to build upon my foundation for taking care of myself – lessons that began with my miscarriages. I’m now working to provide support for mothers experiencing anxiety, overwhelm, and exhaustion, all under the umbrella of maternal mental health.

Pausing to take care of ourselves is essential. We must care for our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. All the time I am learning more and more the power of nourishing myself before others – and I wouldn’t be on this path were it not for my pregnancies that ultrasound tech so casually deemed “failed.”

Available on Amazon and www.therewassupposedtobeababy.com

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"I FELT THE WEIGHT OF MY BROKEN HEART THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE BODY. MY BABY WAS GONE..."

Kaylee shares her miscarriage story and journey afterwards.

Speaking on the recurring thoughts, fear, grief, self-doubt and more.

This story is FULLY in the words of Kaylee Rhames. NOTHING is edited.

Instagram: @Mrs.Rhames Pinterest: @MrsRhames www.griefandmercy.com

About Kaylee I grew up in Battle Creek, MI, I was homeschooled and then went to Kellogg Community College where I received my Associate’s in General Studies and an Associate’s in Early Childhood Education. I also met my husband Charles in community college and we will have been married for three years in November. I am currently a full time student at Western Michigan University, pursuing my Bachelor’s in Child and Family Development.

After graduating I will be a certified Family Life Educator with a focus on advocating on women and children’s health, pregnancy, mental health and miscarriage and infant loss awareness.

In my spare time I enjoy writing, taking naps, spending time with my friends and family, knitting and crocheting, watching movies, going to church, and taking day trips to Lake Michigan.

My Story On January 9th 2019, I spent my day going to class, hanging out with friends and working at my campus dining center.

This day was like any other. I was three days late for my period, and wasn’t feeling the greatest. I was slightly tired and nauseous, but I attributed that to my busy life as a college student. That night I asked my best friend to pick me up a pregnancy test. I felt ridiculous for asking her to buy it because I really didn’t think I was pregnant. After taking the test and waiting for the results, I contemplated my plan B. If I was pregnant, I knew I would need to lighten my load this semester.

This would mean I would need to work fewer hours, apply for state health insurance and not be involved in so many extra curricular activities. As I created this plan in my head, I pushed it aside and told myself I didn’t need a plan B. Sure enough I was wrong. The pregnancy test that laid on the counter of my tiny apartment bathroom read PREGNANT. That was the day my life changed.

Finding out I was pregnant was the best thing that ever happen to me. When I first found out I was in pure shock. Sure, I had always wanted to be a mom. In fact when I was little, I remember telling my first grade teacher I wanted eleven kids! And if you ask my mom, she would tell you in preschool when ever I would play “house” with my friends, I was always the mom holding the baby doll. So yes, I was excited to be a mom… I just thought it would be after I finished school.

After I settled with the idea of growing a human, I shared the news with my husband, parents and other close friends and family. They were all ecstatic for us and our growing family.

On February 5th 2019, my husband Charles and I got to see our baby for the very first time. We had our 8 week ultrasound scheduled for 5:15pm. By this time in my pregnancy, my morning sickness was in full swing. I was gagging daily to certain smells that once appealed to me, but now I couldn’t stand. I had to pee what seemed like every half hour. I felt bloated, exhausted and emotional. I was

definitely pregnant. During our appointment I was full of emotions. I was excited to see our baby but also had doubts. What if I wasn’t really pregnant? What if something was wrong with the baby? What if it was an ectopic pregnancy? My anxiety and doubts faded away when I saw the beautiful image of my baby on the screen. I couldn’t believe it. There really was a baby in there! The ultrasound tech said everything looked normal. I was even able to see her little heart beat flicker on the screen. It was an indescribable moment.

As my pregnancy progressed, my morning sickness grew worse. Not only was I gagging, and throwing up on a daily; but I also felt famished, dizzy and highly fatigued. I couldn’t believe how much your hormones and a pregnancy can affect the human body… until I experienced it. While being pregnant and a full time college student, I struggled to get my assignments done. I had no motivation to do anything except sleep. Being pregnant was

myself he was looking at my ovaries and then he would move on to baby.

He zoomed in on baby and I saw her again for a second time. She was starting to look like a baby. I could see the outline of her head and body. She was so tiny but had grown so much.

The tech asked me again when I had my last ultrasound. I found it really strange that he kept asking me questions, but he didn't really answer any of my questions. I then saw him check the heart beat. He brought the measurement scale up on to the screen and I didn't see anything.

"I'm sorry... I'm having some issues" He said nervously. Oh great, this ultrasound machine isn't working, I thought. "I'm going to go get our radiologists, because I am seeing that the baby is only measuring at 8 weeks and 5 days." He said then left in a hurry.

My mom and I both looked at each other. My first thought was, good baby has grown.... but wait, I'm supposed to be close to 11 weeks, not 9. I immediately got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Something was wrong. I started worrying about my baby. Maybe she's disabled.

Maybe she has a serious health problem.

Maybe she's a dwarf. Maybe there is twins and one is just hiding behind the other and one is taking the other's nutrients. Maybe everything is fine. There was one thing I knew for certain, I wasn't having any bleeding or cramping so baby was still alive... I thought.

The ultrasound tech returned with the radiologists behind him. He introduced us to the doctor and he shook our hands and sat down. "Hi Kaylee." He looked at me with sadness and pity in his eyes.

"So, we took a look at your ultrasound and it seems that the fetus has died.

Their was no heart beat. I'm very sorry...

exhausting, but I knew it would all be worth it soon enough.

On Monday February 25th, I had my 11 week ultrasound. This appointment was super exciting because afterward, Charles and I were planning on announcing that we were expecting. My parents accompanied me to my appointment since Charles had classes all afternoon. When they called me back, my mom and I headed down the hall to the ultrasound room. When I walked in the tech asked me my name and birthdate, "So, what brings you in for an ultrasound today?

Is it your first ultrasound?" He asked.

I explained to him that I had had an 8 week ultrasound. I went to that appointment on Tuesday February 5th and was 8 weeks and 1 day, however baby was measuring at 7 weeks and 4 days. The tech listened as I laid back on the table and lifted my shirt. The tech put the warm jelly on my belly and moved the wand back and fourth. He grew quiet for a minute which made me slightly nervous, but I just told

I know this isn't an easy thing to hear." I stared at him. He was lying. This was a sick joke. I'm still pregnant. My baby didn't die. "I do want you to know that it's nothing you did. More that likely it was due to a chromosomal abnormality and the baby was just unhealthy." I continued to stare at my doctor. My breathing quickened.

Was this really happening?

"She fell a few weeks ago on the ice. Could that have caused this?" My mom asked with a cracked voice.

"More than likely not. In early pregnancy such as this it's usually something wrong with the baby.

25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. So, unfortunately everything has to go perfectly right for there to be a healthy pregnancy" He said. I could tell he was trying to make sure I didn't blame myself... too late.

"So, when did the baby die?" My mom asked.

That was my question too."At 8 weeks and 5 days." He said matter of factly.

W

When the doctor left, I was grateful. Even though he was just doing his job, a part of me hated him. He just gave me the worst news of my life, and I wasn't about to be nice to him. When he was gone I got up and went to the bathroom. My mom wanted to hug me but I didn't want to be hugged.

I knew if she hugged me I would start to feel it, and I didn't want to.

At this moment I just wanted to be. I wanted to be in this state of shock where I didn't feel anything. But more than that, I wanted to rewind time. I wanted to go back and make sure I did absolutely everything perfectly in my pregnancy... but according to my doctor that wouldn't have mattered anyway.

The two days in between my ultrasound and my D & C are a blur. I don’t remember much. I know my anxiety was high, I was emotional and I was scared. The evening after the ultrasound, Charles and I decided to give our baby a name.

When I returned to the bathroom I was hoping it was all a dream.

Sadly, no. My mom was still crying. I called into work and got the night off since I was suppose to go in at 5pm. I also texted Charles and told him what happen. Looking back I probably should have been more gentle than I was, but in this state of shock I was not thinking clearly. I was functioning on autopilot.

That evening around 6pm, I went into the bedroom and closed the door. I sat on the bed and stared at the wall. I was snuggled in many layers of blankets and gripped Mackenzie's quilt and held it in my arms. As I sat there, I realized that my mom was right. I was spinning out of control and trying to avoid the loss and pain that was currently consuming my life. I tried just to breathe. As I started to calm myself down I began to feel it. All the emotions of pain and sadness came to the surface. My baby died. I had a miscarriage. This wasn't happening! Why did she die!? Why did she have to go? For two hours I sat in that dark bedroom crying over my baby. I gripped my belly wishing so much that I didn't have to say goodbye. I would have given ANYTHING for this not to be real. In many ways I felt better. The physical pressure of needing to cry was gone but the pain and sadness continued.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to say goodbye.

After the ultrasound, we followed a nurse down the hallway to a exam room. She asked me for my name and birthdate as I stood on the scale. I then sat on the table and stared at the floor. This is not happening, I repeated in my head over and over again. Shock and denial were what comforted me in this moment. The nurse asked me about any medications I was on.

"Prenatal vitamins.... well I guess not anymore obviously!" I said with a passive aggressive tone. I didn't know why I was so rude to her.

She didn't do anything wrong, I was just mad. She explained that I could still be on them if I wanted to. Some women just take them as vitamins whether they are pregnant or not. She then came over to me and took my temperature and my blood pressure. She asked about cramping and bleeding and I told her I had had none. She then looked at me with sad eyes. These weren't the same eyes that the radiologists gave me. These were empathetic, I've been where you are and it hurts eyes.

"Can I give you a hug?" She asked. I nodded my head yes even though I knew what was coming. She hugged me and held me and I felt it. My world shattered. Everything I had hoped and prayed for was gone. This pain was unreal. It hurt. My baby was gone and I didn't even know it. I sobbed in anguish and cried all over her scrub top. She held me tight for a long time. She said she had been there and even though I wouldn't believe it now, I would get through this.

After she left I met the doctor on call. He was very clinical and not at all compassionate. He said he was sorry but his tone and body language said he didn't care. He gave me three options. He said I could allow my body to pass my baby naturally, I could take a pill that would speed things along or I could have a D & C procedure where they remove baby and the dead tissue. I chose to have a D & C. When I got ready to leave the exam room my mom gave me a hug.

She said she loved me. I melted into her arms and sobbed. I couldn't believe this was happening. As we left the office I walked through the waiting room. Tears shed down my face as I felt like I was moving in slow motion, and yet I tried moving quickly because all I wanted was to get out of there. I wanted to get away from the constant reminder that I was still pregnant but my baby was gone.

As I walked past the pregnant women in the waiting room one of them locked eyes with me. She grabbed her belly that looked to be about 6 months along and covered her mouth. The emotions of shock and devastation came over her face as she looked at my tear stained face. She knew. I kept walking. Even though no words were exchanged I can imagine that if I had stopped she would have said "I'm sorry and I've been there too."

We both had strong feelings she was a girl, and decided to name her Mackenzie.

The night before my procedure, my mom pulled me aside and hugged me. It's almost like she knew I needed that hug before I even knew to ask for it. She's a really good mom. "You need to embrace this baby. Spend some time by yourself with just you and baby. Talk to her. Because tomorrow... you are going to feel so empty when she's gone." She said this hugging me and holding me tight. I sobbed all over her shoulder. I did not want to do this. I didn't want to say goodbye to my baby. I didn't want to stop being pregnant. I didn't want to accept the fact that she was gone.

The memories after my D & C are very clear, as if they happened yesterday. I remember being rolled to the recovery room. I remember not feeling any physical pain. I remember thinking the lights were way too bright. I remember feeling really confused, not sure where I was or why I felt so incredibly out of it. Then... I remembered everything.

I felt the weight of my broken heart throughout my entire body. My baby was gone... She was gone forever. I began crying, screaming, and yelling. In my head I didn't think I was that loud, but apparently I was because the people in recovery continuously told me I was being too loud. I felt my nurses trying to comfort me by holding my hand and rubbing my arm. I remember a nurse trying to have me take some pills and a sip of water. I think the pills were for anxiety. I remember I would hear a beeping noise every time I would hold my breath, my nurses would remind me to breathe.

"Why God Why!? God killed my baby! God took her away!" I would thrash repeatedly over and over in my hospital bed. I was so overcome by emotion and heartbreak. "God how could you do this to me!? I want my baby! I want Mackenzie!

How could you do this to me!?" I continued screaming this in recovery. I remember hearing the nurses talk about bringing my mom back. When my mom came back, I was still a heart broken mess. My mom did her best to calm me down. I know it was hard for her to see me like that. My arms ached. I needed something to hold. I came into the hospital pregnant, but I didn't get to leave the hospital with a baby.

"Why? Why did my baby have to die? What did I do wrong? I'm her mom, I should have known!" I was entering in the stage of bargaining. I pleaded with God and couldn't fathom why God chose to take my baby. As I pleaded with God, a nurse came over to me. She told me not to do this to myself. She said not to beat myself up and go down this dark road. She told me I did nothing wrong. It wasn't fair.

There's so many moms in the world who don't take care of their babies, and their babies live and have rough lives. Where as I would have done anything to be the best mom I could be and take care of my baby. It wasn't fair.

Eventually, the drugs kicked in and I settled down. I ended up staying in recovery 2 hours longer than expected because I was so emotionally unstable. My nurses and parents got me ready and took me home. Everything from that day after this point is a blur. I'm assuming I just slept the rest of the day but I don't know for sure. All I know is that by the end of the day, I was no longer pregnant and I was heartbroken.

T

The days and weeks after my miscarriage were brutal. I struggled through the grief process many times. I had moments where I would be okay, and other moments where I felt completely unstable. Despite the excruciating pain I felt, I did find strength in many things that helped me move forward. O

ne thing that gave me strength were my friends and family. There were some moments they didn’t know what to do of how to help me, but just having them their helped me to grieve and heal. Another way I found my strength was through the different mementos I did in order to honor and remember my baby. I created a memory box filled with ultrasound pictures, onesies, baby hats and letters to my baby. My husband also bought me a ring with the February birthstone. Lastly, sharing my story with others also gave me strength. It helped me time and time again knowing I wasn’t alone and the only one who had suffered a miscarriage.

Realizing That This Was Not My Fault When some of my friends and acquaintances found out about my miscarriage, they said some things that were quite hurtful. Even though I’m sure a lot of them had good intentions, their words were not comforting or at all helpful. They said things like “At least you know you can get pregnant” or “You shouldn’t have been so stressed about school” and these thoughts led me to believe my miscarriage was my fault. I thought this for about a month, but through talking with others who had experienced a miscarriage, as well as doing my own research about silent miscarriages… I realized losing my baby was not my fault.

How I Decided to Cope One way I decided to cope was through writing. I constantly found myself deep in thought and repeating moments of my pregnancy and loss in my head. It was helpful for me to write because it was a way to get my consuming thoughts out of my head. I also was able to cope through counseling at my University. I felt counseling was so helpful because it was nice just to ramble my thoughts and feelings out loud.

Worst Advice.

I had a woman at a jewelry store say”You had a miscarriage, well you’re young, you’ll have more”. I felt this phrase was very insensitive and completely disregarded my loss and my feelings.

Just because a woman is young does not mean she will be able to have another baby. Another thing is, having another baby can’t replace the baby you lost. Getting pregnant again wouldn’t replace my grief.

Recurring Thoughts One exercise I found helpful for my recurring negative thoughts, was to make purposeful positive thoughts. Every time I had a negative thought, I would try and replace it with two positive thoughts. I also found writing to be helpful in getting out my thoughts and emotions.

How This Has Impacted My Marriage Through this experience my marriage has honestly gotten stronger.

At first their was tension and things were a challenge as we both grieved our baby differently. However we have grown closer in communicating our wants and needs in order for us to heal, as well as bonding over the loss of the hopes and dreams we had for this child that will never be.

Fear of Pregnancy After a Miscarriage Yes, I currently have this fear actually. My husband and I recently decided that we would like to try again and have a baby someday.

As much as the thought of getting pregnant again gives me anxiety, I think the biggest thing I try to remember is my previous miscarriage was not my fault. I did not cause it. So, moving forward I have come to realize that with certain things in life I am not in control. My next pregnancy could be perfectly healthy, or I could have another

miscarriage, that’s just the reality. I guess my biggest piece of advice is to choose joy over fear. As hard as it may be to not fear losing another baby, choosing joy can allow us to appreciate what we have in that moment. If and when I get pregnant again, I will love and appreciate that baby.

Miscarriage Is Not Talked About Enough After experiencing a miscarriage, I have discovered that this topic is not talked about enough. I had never heard of a silent or missed miscarriage before I had experienced one. I had no idea a woman could have a miscarriage and not experience any typical symptoms such as cramping or bleeding. I also didn’t know that a woman’s milk can come in and she can begin lactating after a miscarriage.

This happen to me and I was hurt that I was not warned by my doctors that this could occur. I also didn’t realize how excruciating the first period can be after a miscarriage. For some women their first period can be normal. But for other women it can be very painful emotionally and physically. It’s in many ways another sign that you are no longer pregnant. In some cases I have also heard it can cause PTSD as having a period can remind them of their miscarriage.

Supporting Your Friend I feel the best thing you can say after someone has a experienced a loss is show compassion and say “I’m sorry for your loss” after that take your cues from the person grieving. If they want to talk about it, be a listening ear. If they don’t then allow them space and privacy. I also found it helpful when people checked in on me with a simple message or text. It was nice knowing people were thinking of me.

Advice to You, If You Can Relate The best advice people gave to me that I would like to share with others is it’s okay to feel the way you feel. It’s go to grief in your own time and in your own way. You loved that baby from the moment you found out you were pregnant, and you will continue to love the baby you lost for the rest of your life. You are a mother. You will always feel this loss. It won’t be as intense as time goes on but it will be there.

Closing Words It has been about 4 months since my miscarriage, and I am actually doing really well. Almost every summer since I graduated high school, I have worked full time.

However this summer, I have made a choice to dedicate this summer to self care, healing and taking care of myself. I started a blog at the end of April about my journey of miscarriage and finding healing. I created a summer bucket list and have completed many items on that list, including going to the Michigan lake shore, and going to the movies. I have also started eating healthier, losing weight, making peace with God and simply just taking care of myself.

I am so thankful I chose to take this summer off. It was a decision I made in order to help my overall mental health. It has also helped me to find myself again, and teach me that I love writing and being an advocate! Of course, there are still many moments I miss my baby and wish so much I was still pregnant. But that’s not what is, what is is that I have chosen to turn my loss into something good by sharing my story and bringing awareness to the topic of miscarriage.

@GriefSpeaksOut

Author of "Grief Day by Day: Simple Practices and Daily Guidance for Living with Grief"

JAN WARNER Photography: Maggie Marguerite Studio

"THE GOAL IS NOT TO END GRIEF BUT TO HAVE IT – AND THE PERSON/PEOPLE/PETS YOU LOVE WHO HAVE DIED INSPIRE YOU RATHER THAN DEADEN YOU." PHOTOGRAPHY: MAGGIE MARGUERITE STUDIO

Words from Jan Warner About Jan I live in New York City. I didn’t realize that the death of my husband would turn into a career where I have a FB page Grief Speaks Out that has 2.4 million likes from almost every country in the world. I do seven posts a day and answer messages and ask and answer question. I have also produced documentaries included Ferne Pearlstein’s The Last Laugh and off Broadway play including Party Face. I produced a conference called the Resilience of the Human Spirit with poets who have survived genocide and/or political terror. This was turned into Katja Esson’s short documentary Poetry of Resilience. I have a Master’s in Counseling degree and training in NLP and hypnotherapy.

I have worked in child abuse prevention and suicide prevention. I also owned a book store called The Turning Page.I met a woman when I was very young who when I told her I was going to Europe for the summer said, “I wish I had done that when I was young.” She changed my life because I want to be able to say, “I did that!” I love traveling and have been to all seven continents. This includes countries like Libya, Pakistan and North Korea. I love theatre, both in New York and London.

My favorite thing is spending time with my daughter Erin and granddaughter Gwendolyn. I would much rather be 7 than 68 and so love playing with and learning seven year old Gwendolyn.

Fully Alive with Grief My husband was older than myself and I thought when he died I would be sad and miss him very much. I had no idea I would feel totally annihilated. I used to say by mistake, “We died.” Instead of “He died.” I honestly expected him to come and get me. When he didn’t, I thought maybe I should go to him and considered suicide. I couldn’t give the grief to people who love me that I was feeling so I decided to stay alive.

It has been almost 10 years now and if I had chosen to end my life I would have missed so much.

Having decided to live, I had to figure out how to do that. I went many places, to many people, to get help. A therapist who was lovely in many ways told me that I should stop grieving in 6 months to a year. That seemed ridiculous to me. My husband was central to my life. Why would I want to stop missing him and loving him? I developed an idea that is not unique to me – something called transformative grief. I do know people who have asked to be released from grief and found this their path. I hold on. My goal is to be fully alive with grief. I will stop grieving my husband – and my life without my husband – when I stop breathing.

Two things were the cornerstone of getting through grief. The first was showing up. Even today I often make plans and show up for them whether I want to or not. Now I mostly enjoy the things I show up for.

In the beginning I didn’t enjoy anything. I went to theater and slept through even Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman. Then one day I stayed awake and even laughed. In the beginning I spent a lot of time in bed watching an uncountable number of DVDs. I did make a rule that I could only stay in bed one day in a row. I had to go out even if it was only for five minutes. I also gave myself a “chore of the day” so at the end of each day there was one thing I had accomplished. I saw a plaque that said, “Have an adequate day.”. I still have it. It made me laugh, but it also felt like something achievable.

The second thing was helping others. When I am helping someone else I am pulled out of myself. I am thinking of them and their problems rather than my own. Even when I stayed in bed, I would go on FB and post to people I found who were suffering. My husband was my reason for being. I had to find out what meaning my life had after his death.

He was a recovering alcoholic who made himself available to other alcoholics and drug addicts. I thought I could honor him by making myself available to other grieving people.

I thought if I reached one person that would be enough. I wrote a blog post.

Then I started my Facebook page Grief Speaks Out. I never thought that I would be of service to literally millions of people all around the world. I never thought I would be asked to write a book.

My husband loved life and when he died I felt a responsibility to honor him by looking at the world through my eyes for him as well as himself. Many magical things have happened to me in the last almost 10 years. I remind myself that what seems like forever is just a blink of an eye in term of the eternity I hope we will have together. I adore my granddaughter and would never want to hurt that little girl. She is my main motivation for staying alive. I love a good wallow and always make time for my grief but I have learned over the years to also make time to enjoy my life.

The Drive to Create Grief Day by Day I received an e-mail from Callisto publishing saying they were interested in having me write a book for them. I looked at that e-mail for a long time. I have always wanted to publish a book and now the opportunity was being given to me. I only had to do one thing at time.

A lot of people wish or even think they could have done something different. This is where learning to forgive yourself comes in. Instead of looking at yourself through your own critical eyes, look at yourself through the loving eyes of a person or animal.

I returned the e-mail. I had the interview. I was given the format and I made myself reach all the deadlines. I was frightened that it wouldn’t be good. The fact that I have sold over 10,000 copies and that people find it helpful is humbling to me. What I am told most often is that I articulate what other people feel and don’t know how to express. Grief Day by Day is used by grievers, but also by therapists and in grief groups.

The most harm is done by people who think they know what someone else wants or needs without checking it out. I now say simply, “Whatever you wish I said, pretend I just said it.” Grievers want and need different things… so ask. Would you like to be alone or would you like company? Is there anything I can do to help you? Would you like to talk about your loved one?

Respect their answer.

The Challenge in Creating My Book Grief is challenging emotionally. Creating the book was challenging in that it made me stick to a schedule. There were also things I had to fight for. I refused to “cheer things up”. There are what I call resting places – sections on hope and beauty, but when I was doing a topic like despair or loneliness I insisted on being honest about the pain. They wanted to call the section “Considering Suicide” contemplating the end. I refused.

If you are considering suicide you need to see the word. The last two sections, Acceptance and Healing both have question marks after them.

For me, grief needs to be confronted as it is not as people who haven’t experienced it would like it to be. People grieve in their own way at their own pace and all actions must be acknowledged and respected without judgement.

Coping on Special Dates & Anniversaries I didn’t create this. On my husband’s birthday and on the anniversary of his death I ask people to do an act of kindness for themselves or for someone else in his memory to keep his smile going. I like to honor him on that day but if someone wants to just block it out because it is too painful that is okay as well. If you need to be with your grief you should always make time for it. Feelings are like small children; if you ignore them they get louder and more demanding. After all these years I spend time doing other things on special dates and when those days are crowded I leave time the day after to be sad.

What Do You Think Is Not Talked About Enough With Losing A Loved One? Everything. Too many people are told to move on or get over it. Even after a small amount of time. Some people are told this by professionals. I believe Grief Speaks Out has such a large following because in most cultures people do not feel free to discuss their grief or the person they love who died so they come to a FB page to have a supportive place to do this. I support grieving people but I also try to educate all people.

A friend of mine told me how someone said her mother had died a long time ago. Because of what I had taught her, instead of telling to woman to live in the present or move on, she asked her what she missed about her mother. The woman was so happy to share all the things she loved doing with her mother that she couldn’t do any more. For many people grief lasts the rest of their lives. It’s not a bad thing. It’s not living in the past. The past informs my present.

The goal is not to end grief but to have it – and the person/people/pets you love who have died inspire you rather than deaden you. I want my husband’s life to matter more than his death.

Feelings of Guilt- Is This Normal?

A lot of people ask me if feelings or actions are normal. I don’t use the word normal any more. I ask myself if a feeling or action serves the kind of life I want to live. If it doesn’t I try to change it, but accept my humanness if I can’t create change when I want to. A lot of people do feel guilty for the loss of a loved one. I thought my husband was aging, when I look at his pictures it’s obvious to me now that he was wasting away from the cancer that was being misdiagnosed.

How Can I Be There For My Friend Who Has Lost A Loved One? Listen.

Everyone shows up at the beginning. Show up a year later, many years later.

Show up not on an anniversary or birthday but on an ordinary Tuesday.

Many grieving people feel abandoned. Many grieving people are abandoned by both friends and family.

Recurring Thoughts of Preventing The Loss This is from Milton Erickson, a well-known hypnotherapist. For any recurring thoughts you schedule a time for them at the same time every day. It could be 10 minutes or 2 hours…depending on how much time you think you need. Every day. Then when the thoughts come up at another time, ask them nicely to leave you for now and promise you will pay attention to them later.

You may find that you have scheduled 2 hours and don’t need that much time. Some people find that writing helps, others that some kind of art work helps. The mind cannot hold two thoughts at the same time so it also might works just to say the alphabet or count to a hundred or pray or meditate.

The Worst Advice I've Ever Received "Get over it." I can be unkind. I will sometimes ask someone, “Imagine your phone rings and when you answer it you are told that your wife (husband, child, parent, best friend – the person they love most) was killed in a car accident. When would you get over it?” I have had tough men start crying.

It is the worst advice because it does not acknowledge the true nature of grief. Any advice is unwise.

On Grief Speaks Out people have to share their own experience. We don’t know how someone else feels and advice is often resented. If you share your own experience you create a bond and someone has a choice if they want to try what you have. If I have not had similar experience, I say that I can’t imagine how you feel which opens a door rather than closing several.

Closing Words I heard a story that was part of an actor’s monologue. A man was weeping at his wife’s funeral. Everyone though he was weeping because of his grief.

He was weeping because he had no grief. He thought, after a long marriage, that his wife deserved a husband who grieve for him. He also thought that he deserved a wife he would be grieving for. I left the theater finally understanding the way in which grief is a gift. My first choice would be not to have grief. It’s nasty and difficult and unpredictable. However, the depth of my grief measures the height of my love. I am so gra teful for the time that my husband and I had together. I am so grateful that I have known, and know love. I get angry sometimes that I gave my husband a good death and I have to figure things out on my own but it is also a gift to him that I am grieving him so that he doesn’t have to grieve me. On the worst day I can be grateful for indoor plumbing but I have also taught myself to see beauty and humor and all good things as well as pain and suffering. I do not believe it is all good. I stand for authenticity rather than fake bliss. I am grateful for truth. I am grateful that as my husband helped so many alcoholics and drug addicts, I am somehow able to provide a measure of comfort to grieving people. I am grateful for my family and friends. I am grateful for truthtellers and those who keep trying. I honor the pain that makes us collapse and, when it comes, whatever makes us stand tall.

People think I do this work because I love people (I don’t – people are capable of great cruelty) or because I am special in some way. I am really an ordinary person. I do kind and generous things but I can also feel that moving an inch is an inch too far. What I hate is suffering. There is too much suffering in the world. I read stories on Grief Speaks Out that other people are living through that no one I know can stand listening to. I am grateful that through Grief Speaks Out and Grief Day by Day: Simple Practices and Daily Guidance for Living With Loss I have created a loving, supportive, worldwide community where grief is a common language and we focus not on what divides us but on what unites us.

Clickable Link:

https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Day-Simple-Practices-Guidance/dp/1641521317

CELEBRITY TWEETS

BOOK REVIEWS

BOOK FEEDBACK

Erin: Your book is comforting, informative & most importantly, hopeful! All of us at Hope Floats Denise Brack have your book & use it readily in our private practices & during our grief groups. Thank you for creating this incredible tool.

Jenny: Incredible book for a difficult time. I’ve found Jan’s book a real comfort.

Kathy: Thought you would appreciate this - I volunteer for the Parenting Program at our local hospital, yesterday I left a copy of your book on the volunteer coordinator's desk and got this email back: "Thanks for the great book!!!! I didn't even get it to the bookshelf before someone in our office wanted to use it in working with a family in the NICU, so I know it is a great addition to our resource library!!" I'll be taking them a second copy, thanks for sharing.

Nikki: Thank you for this book. My husband died November 26, 2018. He went to the hospital because of nausea on November 10, 2018. It was misdiagnosed colon cancer that had metastasized. Your book is a God send, I stop breathing, I shake my head in agreement.

I stare into space. You have done me a great service. Thank you thank you thank you.

Valerie: Thank you Jan Warner for this beautiful book. It speaks to my soul and is my true companion.

Valerie York's book stack

Judy

Knox

AUTHOR OF "A WIDOW'S MIGHT" AND "DEWDROPS OF GRACE"

WWW.JUDYAKNOX.COM JUDY A. KNOX

MY JOURNEY FROM FEAR INTO STRENGTH WORDS BY JUDY KNOX

My Journey From Fear Into Strength The trouble started in late summer 2011, when Alan began having breathing problems. Just after Thanksgiving we learned he needed an aortic valve replacement and bypass surgery, which took place in January 2012. He had been in the ICU for three weeks, recovering from heart surgery, when an infection invaded his bloodstream. For the next seven weeks I was on an emotional roller coaster.

He would seem to make progress one day, then fall back the next. Eventually his kidneys shut down and he died.

During those last seven weeks, the breathing tube in his mouth kept Alan from being able to talk, making me feel very alone. Yet, I discovered I wasn’t really alone, because at that time God was becoming more real to me than ever before. I learned to depend on Him. Alan and I had been Christians for forty years, but I started to see how superficial my relationship with God had really been.

I found myself wanting to know Him better and began spending quality time with Him consistently every day. So day by day, as Alan grew weaker physically, I was growing stronger spiritually. When Alan died, I was no longer the fearful, indecisive, dependent woman I had been before. Inner strength from God sustained me through the darkest times.

The change in your life when you lose a spouse is abrupt and permanent. There’s no way to prepare for it. It just knocks the wind out of you, leaving you numb, not feeling much. All your daily routines are disrupted. Things you used to do together, suddenly you’re doing them alone. You find yourself with new responsibilities. You’re in a new position, but old habits don’t die out immediately. I’d make a comment about something I was watching on TV, then realize I was talking to an empty chair. I’d wake up in the morning and look over to see if he was awake yet, then experience an aching feeling when I realized he wasn’t there and why. Feelings of loss can come upon you suddenly and unexpectedly. Once I was happily walking through the grocery store when their PA system started playing one of our favorite songs. My shopping list was forgotten as I dissolved into tears.

Your social life changes, too. Most of our friends

were other couples, so I no longer fit in. People tried to be helpful, but clearly most of them felt awkward around the new singled-out me. My kids lived 200 miles away. If I slipped into despair and became dysfunctional, they weren’t there to rescue me. I needed to stay strong, and my relationship with God was key. I kept doing what I had learned while Alan was in the hospital, starting every morning spending time with God. He continually gave me hope, joy, peace, strength, and direction. Reading the Bible was like sitting and having a conversation with Him. One morning He led me to Isaiah 43:18-19 which says, “Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new; now it will spring forth.” (NASB) That became my theme for this new phase of my life: let go of the past, and look for the new things God is doing.

I’ll talk more about not pondering the past later on, but new things quickly started falling into place. I needed to relocate to the Chicago area near my family, and God led me to the perfect place. Three months after Alan died, I was moving into my new condo. The new surroundings helped me put the past behind and get ready for new things. When I would start feeling down and discouraged, God would remind me of good things He had done in my life through the years. The Bible says believers should not grieve like those who don’t know God, who have no hope. I went through sad times when I felt alone. Sometimes I just longed for one of Alan’s strong, warm hugs. But these feelings didn’t take over, and they usually didn’t last long. God helped me keep my emotions under control. Eventually the sadness became less frequent, although it never completely goes away.

A Widow’s Might , What Drove Me to Write It As I moved into my new condo, did new things, and met new people, I would talk about what God was doing in my life. People kept saying, “You should write a book!” I wanted to share what God was doing in my life, and the lessons I was learning. I wanted to let people know not only what God did, but how He did it, and the scriptural truths I had stood on, and to see that they, too, could experience peace, joy, and strength by drawing closer to Him. So, I began to write.

At first the idea of a book seemed overwhelming. But the more I wrote, the more I realized how much it could

help others. Although it was about my journey into widowhood, I saw that aspects of it would be of value to a wide range of people, not just those who had lost a spouse. It took me a year and a half to write it. What really kept me going through all of the writing, rewriting, looking for a publisher, and working with the publisher, was knowing I was producing something that could really make a difference in people’s lives. It’s an encouraging story but it isn’t just a story; it’s a “How To” book.

Everyone goes through changes in their life from time to time, and what I share in this book can be applied to any number of situations.

Emotional Challenges in Writing the Book Writing the early part of the book was very challenging. To write about my time with Alan in the hospital, I had to keep remembering and re-living those painful days. Yet I had to write that part in order to show how God changed me and worked in my life. It was necessary so the reader could relate to my journey. Even after that part was finished, I still had to go back through it many times during the editing process, and it was always hard to revisit all those feelings again. It was a lot more fun writing the later chapters.

How Do You Cope with the Anniversary of the Loss?

On the first anniversary, assuming it might be a difficult day, I set up appointments for mindengaging tasks to accomplish, like getting my taxes done. And then to fill the evening, I planned a dinner date with my next-door neighbor was also a new widow. Some books and articles advise using these anniversary days to acknowledge and mourn the loss. I tried that the second year, but I did not find it helpful. There were enough times when I felt the loss, or wished Alan could see and enjoy these new experiences with me. So after that second anniversary I no longer planned a deliberate grieving session.

It has been seven years now. On each year’s anniversary I take time to acknowledge the anniversary, thanking God for the years He gave us together, and for all of our children and grandchildren, and for the new things He has brought into my life, but I don’t do anything special to commemorate the date.

God had told me in the scripture in Isaiah not to ponder the past. Of course we can’t, and shouldn’t, pretend the past never happened. But if we let ourselves dwell on, ponder, give too much attention to the past, we can end up in “what if, wouldashoulda, if only I had…” mode. I knew this would not bless me, honor my husband, or help me move forward.

The problem with the past is that it is past -- we can’t go back and re-do it. It is what it is. However, this is also the good thing about the past. It’s past.

We don’t know what the future is either. What we do have, and can do something about, is today, the here and now. So I try to focus on today, with an eye toward how my choices today might affect the future. I never know when sad feelings will come or what might trigger them. When they come, I accept them as a normal part of the grieving process, but on the other hand, I don’t want to invite them or embrace them. “Lord, I’m really missing Alan right now. But I thank you for the times we had together, and I thank you that he’s having an even better time now. And I thank you that I’m not alone. You will never leave or forsake me.”

The Unspoken Guilt For a time I went through feelings of guilt, not over Alan’s death, but over the fact that I was able to be happy without him – not happy that he was gone, of course, but I wondered if I was insensitive, or maybe I wasn’t grieving enough, or feeling bad enough. I have talked to other widows who have also gone through this. We want to get out of those grieving stages, and move on. But then when we do, we may feel ashamed of our happiness, as if we are being disloyal to the loved one because we are able to get on and enjoy life without them.

Guilt over A Loved One’s Death – Could It Have Been My Fault?

In my conversations with other widows, I’ve learned that it is very common and normal to wonder if our spouse’s death might have been our fault, that we let it happen, that there must’ve been something we could or should have done to prevent it. And there may be. I remember one medical procedure I didn’t feel comfortable about, but against my own best judgment, I listened to the doctors, and gave permission. It turned out to be a mistake. I’ll never know if Alan would have gotten better if he hadn’t had that procedure, and that bothers me sometimes.

But again–I can’t go back and undo it. The bottom line is, I’m not perfect and I didn’t always make perfect decisions. When I have guilty thoughts, I acknowledge them, and ask God’s forgiveness for whatever mistakes I made. Then I remind myself that Alan is fine now. God still loves me.

Helping a Friend Who Has Experienced a Loss How to do this depends on the person and the nature of your relationship with them. But whatever you do or don’t do, be honest. You might just say, “I can’t imagine what this must be like for you.” That is sure to be true. For me, the most helpful things were times when someone was just there with me, either in person, on the phone, or even through a series of texts. When you ask if there’s anything you can do for your friend, and then listen, really listen, and read between the lines, ideas will occur to you. Then offer, suggest, “Would it be helpful to you if I…?”

The Worst Advice I Ever Received The worst advice I ever heard, and I heard it often, was to “let it all out.” Well, we do need to be honest about our feelings, but we can still have control over them. We can’t help what feelings come in, but we can choose what we’ll do with them. Turning

them loose can take us on a downward spiral into a hole of despair that is very hard to climb back out of. I accept sadness as a normal part of the grieving process. However, although we are sad, we can still be functional. We always have a choice.

I don’t mean we should not mourn or go through the steps of the grieving process. At times we may be truly immobilized, but we don’t need to make a career out of it or let it take over our lives. If necessary, we can set aside time occasionally to focus on our grief and work through issues, but we can also choose to set a time limit and stick to it. Wallowing in despair is not what the deceased person would have wanted. It isn’t showing love for them. They would want you to get on with your life, find your new normal, and look for ways to be a blessing to others. It is not disloyal to them for you to be happy, productive, and full of life.

God’s Help Through the Process My relationship with God has kept me strong. I was not strong when Alan was in the hospital. I was scared. I felt helpless. I was in over my head. Before any of this happened I had faith, I knew the Bible, and I had a prayer life, but spending time with God purposefully every day, not asking him for anything, just enjoying his company, this was new to me, and this is what strengthened me when I faced the biggest challenge of my life. I’m sure I would have completely fallen apart at the slightest little problem had it not been for the way God worked in my life, giving me joy, strength, and peace.

I believe a big factor in maintaining a close relationship with God, and the ability to trust God, is to not blame Him for what has happened. I explain this more in my book. Bad things will come into our lives, but they are not God’s fault. When we understand this, then we can relate to him as our loving Father and we have the faith to trust Him to take care of us, no matter what.

He took care of me emotionally, but He also took care of me in tangible ways, providing for my needs in miraculous ways.

The Importance of Thankfulness During the last seven years I have experienced evidence of God’s faithfulness every day. God has provided two homes and helped me to move twice. He has enabled me to complete a year of Bible college, travel to Alaska, Israel, and Sweden, write two books, learn to play the cello, speak to churches groups, lead a writers group and a Bible study, meet lots of new people, and stay connected with old friends. It has been wonderful. My greatest joy is hearing that something I’ve said or written has made a positive impact on another person and helped them draw closer to God. My life is all about helping others see God’s goodness in the everyday things they see and experience. I am so thankful to be where I am now– not just in Arizona, although that is an amazing story too—but to be an author, speaker, and teacher who can help other people find God’s strength and joy in their lives. What an amazing privilege. Thank you God.

Available on amazon.com and iTunes audiobook (search "Judy A. Knox) Watch reviews on YouTube and enter the giveaway on Toi Magazine's Instagram for Judy Knox's "A Widow's Might"

Judy Knox's inspiring & encouraging book "Dewdrops of Grace"

Alan and Judy

About Judy

I’m a retired high school teacher, a writer and speaker. I lived most of my life in the Midwest. My husband, Alan, and I were married for 51 years. We lived in Iowa, Kansas, and Illinois. After he died, I discovered Arizona, and in 2017 moved there permanently. My two married children (a son and a daughter) and six grandchildren ages 15 through 22 reside in the Chicago area.

My life revolves around my relationship with God, writing, music, and of course my family.

In my 55+ “active adult community” I lead a writers group and a Bible study, sing in the community choir, and participate in many other activities. One of my favorites is karaoke, where my enthusiasm makes up for

my less than stellar vocal talent. Outside of the community, I play cello in a string ensemble and am an active member of my church.

I have written two books. A Widow’s Might helps Christians get more out of their relationship with God through sharing my journey and the lessons I learned. Dewdrops of Grace is a collection of inspiring, encouraging devotionals covering a variety of topics.

GRIEF

ABOUT: Psychotherapist located in Fort Worth, Texas and Author of New York Times mentioned book, "Getting Grief Right"

DR. PATRICK

O'MALLEY www.drpatrickomalley.com

GETTING GRIEF RIGHT IN THE WORDS OF DR.O'MALLEY "Grief was not a set of stages or tasks to accomplish.

Grief was not an illness to cure.

Grief was a deep expression of love for the person we loved who died."

Our Son, Ryan Although our son had numerous medical problems from his premature birth, we thought we were out of the woods medically speaking. He lived the first 6 months of his life in the neonatal intensive care unit and then at our home for the next three months.

He was breathing better and better on his own and starting to be responsive with wonderful eye contact and smiles.

We were stunned when he died suddenly and unexpectedly similar to sudden infant death syndrome. I would say I stumbled through rather than pushed through for many, many months. Often it felt like managing a day at a time was too long. A half day, the next hour might be all I could see into the future. I was in the fog of grief for a very long time. I was a young psychotherapist at the time and I returned back to work after a week off which looking back on it was much too soon. It was challenge to work which required me to be present to the emotional pain of others.

I kept in close contact with my mentor to help me find the balance I needed at work. I had a good community of family and friends. My spouse and I did the best we could to support each other and we also knew we needed more support than we could offer one another since we were both so full of sorrow. I was motivated to continue to survive by the deep joy I had at being a parent as short as that time was. Two years after our son’s death our second son was born and three years later our third son.

Creating Getting Grief Right My drive to write Getting Grief Right was decades in the making.

Soon after my son died I began to receive numerous referrals of grieving clients and specifically bereaved parents. The fact that I was a therapist who had lived the life of grief created a level of credibility that motivated grieving folks to seek me out. For myself and my clients I attempted to follow what I knew about how to grieve which was the classic stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance) that was popular at the time and remains popular today. But I noticed I was not achieving the expected experience of acceptance, closure or resolution that the stages of grief implied would happen. Neither were my clients. So over time my belief about grief changed.

I was not achieving closure or resolution because these experiences did not exist. Grief was not a set of stages or tasks to accomplish. Grief was not an illness to cure. Grief was a deep expression of love for the person we loved who died. If this was true, then some level of sorrow will be a part of who we are until our story ends. And that is ok.

The resistance my clients and I had to the common belief that we should “move on” or “get over it” made sense to me now. Early in my practice when clients would ask “What is wrong with me? When will I get over this?” I would tell them that grief requires work and if you do the work you will experience closure.

After my realization that grief is the natural organic response to the ending of an attachment in this physical life, I began to answer the question of how long will this take with a question: “How deeply did you love?” I would see the shame and confusion they felt for the intensity and length of their grief melt away. And it melted away for me too.

The title of the book was the title I used for an article I wrote for the New York Times that ran in January of 2015. This essay was one of the most shared articles in the paper’s history. The response confirmed to me that I must write this book. I had worked on the idea for years and now it was time. As I wrote in the essay and describe in the book, “Getting Grief Right” is what is right for you. There is no prescription on how we should grieve. Your relationship to the one who died is as unique as your fingerprint. Your grief will be your personal story. All of the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and physical responses to our grief is our sacred story of loss.

This book is my story of love for my son Ryan.

Was Creating "Getting Grief Right" Emotionally Challenging?

I would say it was more emotionally freeing than emotionally challenging. There was a gap of many years after my son died that I was not doing as much teaching or speaking about grief. The opportunities to tell my story were infrequent. I missed talking about him. Many people I met in the intervening years and certainly most of my clients did not know I was a bereaved parent until the New York Times article was published. So very quickly I was frequently in conversation with many people about what had happened. And since the book was published those interactions have continued as well as speaking before many audiences both in person and on the radio and in podcasts. It has felt good to tell the story of my son again. All these years later I know when I speak my son’s name my voice will catch and I will tear up. And that is ok.

When I reread Getting Grief Right, the chapter about my son’s death and the last chapter when I reflect on the years that have passed always have impact on me.

What I Learned As A Psychotherapist & What I Learned From Experience & Applied Resources Through all of my graduate training I received no more than an hour on the topic of grief. Most of my colleagues say the same. So, I had to figure it out as I went. I read every text I could find to try to learn what grief is and how it works and what I read promoted this idea of stages or tasks or phases that eventually conclude in some form of resolution.

As a therapist I decided what I was doing needed to change. I quit trying to force my clients (and myself) into these resolution models and I began to listen more to what they were telling me. I consistently heard they needed reassurance they were not going crazy and they needed to tell the story of their loved one and have it received compassionately.

We are wired to tell our stories. Stories help us order our lives. The narrative about those we loved who have died keep them in our lives and help us make meaning of what has happened. The telling of the story requires a listener who can hold the story. Most of the clinical and popular models describe grief as an individual experience. I think it needs to be a communal experience.

What Is Not Talked About Enough With Grieving & Loss If, as I have suggested, we grieve because of our attachment to the one who died and that grief is unique to our attachment, then we also need to look at another kind of story – when the attachment is complex, stressful or if there was abuse of any form. Many folks find this difficult to talk about because it is not the usual culturally expected type of grief. They feel guilty because they are not mourning in the traditional sense. But this is a grief story as well.

These folks often feel shame for not feeling the traditional sorrow.

They are not getting their grief wrong. They are feeling their authentic truth about the relationship as they experienced it. This type of complex attachment loss is rarely spoken of. Often the grief for those who experience this type of loss is for the relationship they wished they had with the one who did but did not.

Not So Great Advice Given To Me Although well intended, a therapist I saw not long after my son died said I was “stuck” in my grief because I was not “letting go” and saying “goodbye”. I believed him and for months I did everything I knew to let go and say goodbye. Eventually when my belief about grief changed I realized I did not have to do either.

Recurring Thought Loops & Feelings of Guilt Particularly with traumatic loss our minds can play an endless loop of “what if” or “if only”. This very difficult but normal with situations that with even with a slight change of circumstances might have had a different outcome. It is important to remember the limits of our control. We do the best we can but we cannot foresee or control as much as we would wish. Most of the time those thoughts are about a future we could not predict. I do think many times seeing a mental health professional who is knowledgeable about grief and skilled in trauma therapy is an important option to consider if the recurring thoughts persist.

It is common for highly responsible conscientious folks to feel guilt even if nothing is their fault. Guilt is what we should feel if we have done something wrong. That is our conscious working. Sometimes our conscientiousness can present as guilt. To help people separate true guilt from being overly responsible I ask them to imagine a jury of their peers hearing the evidence. Guilty or not? Usually not. Yet, we are imperfect human beings and sometime death can come when a relationship is stressed or fractured. There are times when we do need to forgive ourselves for our imperfections and flaws.

Advice For Those with A Friend Who Is Grieving Most folks feel anxiety when wondering what to say to those who

mourn. I would encourage those who desire to be helpful to the bereaved to focus on listening rather than trying to say just the right thing. Deeply listening, not listening to find a cue to speak. And learn to be able to sit in silence if that is what the grieving person needs.

Many folks respond to the mourner in ways that manage their anxiety rather than connect with what the person needs. Many grieving folks talk to me about how they were overwhelmed with clichés and comparison stories and suggestions. What they needed was acknowledgment of their loss and an attentive presence.

Compassion is such a beautiful word. 'Com' meaning with and 'passion' meaning suffer. Compassion is to enter into the suffering of another. And keep in contact after the last casserole dish is picked up.

Send a note monthly on the anniversary of the death. Take your friend to coffee and be curious about their experience or learn more about the one who died if you did not know them well. Contribute to their memorial on a holiday or birthday. Offer to do actions that are concretely helpful like mow the lawn or take the kids for a night. Yes, on the anniversary, communicate that you remembered. And always, speak the name of the one who died.

The Purpose of Dr.O'Malley's Book, "Getting Grief Right" I have two purposes for Getting Grief Right. The first is to offer reassurance to those who grieve that they grieve because they love. All of the feelings that come from grief are an expression of that love.

Many folks spend a great deal of energy resisting their pain. And that is understandable. It is hard to open to suffering. Making room for our sadness will also create room for joy and light to return to our lives.

The second purpose is to guide those who want to help to be good companions to those who mourn. We need to do a better job of caring for those who grieve.

Closing Words I did not seek the losses I have experienced. None of us do. Loss will inevitably find us. Yet, I have learned if I can stay open to the pain of each loss, it will transform me. I am deeply grateful for the ways in which I have been transformed. I am grateful for a change in perspective about what is truly big and what is small in my life. I am grateful for the mindfulness of the preciousness of time. I am grateful for the love and relationships in my life. I am grateful for the light and peace I experience at this stage of life and I am grateful for the moments of sadness that remind me of my deep connection to my son and many others in my life who I loved who have died. I am profoundly grateful for what my son taught me in the short time he was here that I have been able to share with so many through these years.

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"There are no rules in Grief."

I met my husband when I was working at a little Christian bookstore in Phoenix, Arizona. I was charmed almost immediately by his great sense of humor and his slightly southern drawl. It would be another month before Tim would come into the store again. I mean, I watched that door like a hawk and wondered if he'd ever come back.

Finally, one day, as I was leaving for my break, guess who came walking into the store? After spending my entire lunch hour flirting, he mustered up the courage and asked for my phone number. Tim and I were married one year later, and in January of 2020, we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. We have five children, four boys, and one girl. I wish I could say, "And they lived happily ever after," but that is not our story.

MISSY LINKLETTER

My Story Almost two years ago, our lives changed forever. Our oldest son Justin, who was 20-years-old at the time, planned an afternoon at the lake with two of his buddies. We spent a typical Saturday morning together, loud music blaring, good conversation, and then later a quick lunch around our kitchen table. As I was about to lay our youngest son down for his nap, I called Justin into our laundry room, I looked into his eyes, and said, "Please be careful, son." His response, "I will, Mama, don't worry.". We shared a quick hug, and an "I love you."

As I was climbing into bed that night, I sent him a quick text, "How goes it?". No response. Hmm, I pondered, maybe he's out of range, he always answers my texts. I fell asleep that night, feeling quite unsettled. Around 1:00 a.m., I woke up to look at my phone again, no text. I checked to see if he'd posted anything to social media. Nothing. I texted him again, "Hey, you okay? Your kind of freaking me out.". Nothing. I called his cell; it went straight to voicemail. Finally, I woke up my husband and asked him to go downstairs to see if he was home. Tim checked, no, Justin wasn't home. Now I was on high alert, and I couldn't go back to sleep. I sat up, praying, and crying, and praying some more. At some point, I dozed off only to be awakened at 5:00 a.m. by the incessant ringing of the doorbell. We thought Justin must have locked himself out of the house. As Tim went down to open the door, I stood at the top of the stairs waiting to hear his voice. Instead, I heard Tim inviting the Sheriff's deputies inside our home. Our dear Justin was gone. He was killed in a car accident on the side of a mountain. I was in shock. Justin was so full of life, his smile lit up the room. His whole life was ahead of him. He was a follower of Jesus Christ and wanted to be a pastor. Now, I wondered, how do I live without him? In the early days of losing Justin, I prayed for strength to make it from one minute to the next. The enormity of the ache in my heart was like no other I've ever experienced. At times, I wanted to die too. But I am a mama through and through. I have four living children who need me. Our daughter, who is now 20 years old lost her best friend and our three little boys lost their hero. Every day, I ask God for the strength to show up to be present for them because I am not the only one who is suffering.

Okay to cry or not?

For me, tears are a gift. The more I try to distract myself and essentially stuff my grief, the more unpleasant of a person I become.

On any given day, I have a multitude of emotions pent up inside of me, when my tears at last present themselves, I welcome them to splash down my cheeks. Crying is not taking a step back; it merely acknowledges my deep ache and allows a release for my pain.

Coping with anniversary/ milestones We lost Justin on July 15, 2017; he would have been 21 years old on October 28. Justin loved his birthday, so we ended up throwing a big party. We invited friends and family, played loud music, rented a bounce house for his little brothers. Our home was full, there was laughter, It was a good day. Huge waves of grief set in the week following his birthday, and it stayed for quite a while. I learned a good lesson. I overextended myself. I realized while it’s tempting to busy myself with things like a big gathering or busyness in general, the pace is not at all sustainable in my current stage of grieving. For me, it’s better not to “put off” sorrow but to acknowledge and walk through the pain as it shows itself. On Justin’s 22nd birthday, we decided to spend time with only our little family. We went to a park, took in a movie, and shared a meal at one of Justin’s favorite Mexican food restaurants. It was a sad day, but the pace served our family well. We have always been a close family, and it’s been normal for us to talk about Justin every day. Mostly, we want our children to know it’s okay to share their memories (good and bad) about their brother. When a milestone day happens, grief is more substantial in each of us.

Because our three youngest boys are 10, 8, and 5, we do a lot of talking about what we are feeling; sad, angry, lonely, etc. Sometimes, we discuss what color that might look like for each of them (an example: I feel mad, kind of like red.). We color pictures and try our best to help them express their loss. We take it one day at a time around here, we all miss Justin so very much.

"We shared quick hug, and an I love you."

Not spoken about often The most common phrase I’ve heard since losing Justin has been, "There are no rules in grief.”. This is true and freeing. We are free to grieve at our own pace and face the steps of grief in no particular order. Some days we feel happy, and other days we are eating the dust of the ground. It's one big long journey, and you can't do it wrong.

Yet, while there are no rules in grief, there are indeed consequences.

Not everyone will accept the way we go about grieving. I am learning to be okay with that. I would like to add; grief is hard on a marriage. When Tim and I were in our sixth year of marriage, we ran into some difficulty.

We weren’t getting along well because each of us had our own idea about the way our relationship should run. We went to marriage counseling and our therapist helped us learn how to communicate with each other more effectively. We both process and experience loss differently. I am more apt to freely share how I am doing; he is more likely to get quiet. We have to work at our communication and pull out the tools we learned all those years ago. For us, it works best when we can get about 30 minutes of uninterrupted talk time a day. Sometimes this happens after our boys go to bed and other times it’s in the morning over a cup of coffee. The key for us is to keep talking to each other.

Feels guilty for the loss of a loved one and how to handle reoccurring thoughts: We are simply not that powerful to control when a loved one dies.

"Each day I have with my husband and my children are a gift from God."

Only God knows the future. I could have never known that Saturday afternoon "I love you" would have been my final words to my boy. I am not God. We can’t beat ourselves up wishing we stopped them from ____________. Only God himself knows when we will take our final breath. Sometimes, I have to talk myself off the ledge when thoughts of Justin's accident come to my mind. I pray and ask the Lord to help me remember there wasn't a thing I could have done to save Justin that night. At times, I am haunted my Justin’s last final moments on this earth. If I allow myself to entertain repeatedly entertain these thoughts, they will absolutely tear me up inside. I pray and ask the Lord to help me to think on other things. It’s as if I purposefully turn the page of a book in my mind.

Showing Support In all honestly, there are no good words. I remember being asked repeatedly, "What do you need?". I had no earthly idea. My mind could not think straight, I could not stop crying. I couldn’t eat, and I could hardly sleep. I had little people depending on me and I was frozen in shock. I needed my friends and family to figure it out for me. The best thing you can do is keep showing up. Even when your friend or loved one seems aloof, show up with food, take out their garbage, clean their house. You don’t need to have “good words” to say, just be there.

Worst advice I cannot remember anyone trying to give me any advice. But I do remember empty platitudes. No platitudes, please.

How do you choose to cope?

I am a Christian. When I was 15-years-old, someone shared the good news of Jesus Christ with me. I suddenly knew a hope that I'd never known existed. In my darkest nights and worst days, the Lord has never left me. I find great comfort in reading my Bible. One of my favorite Psalms to read is Psalm 62:8, "Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is a refuge for us." God knows our most profound ache; He knows we don't understand. We are invited to pour out our hearts to him and go to him our refuge to find shelter from the storm. Another Scripture I go to a lot is 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxieties upon him, because he cares for you." God never grows weary of our neediness or our pain. Instead, He tells us to tell lay it all on Him because He cares for us. When I wonder how I will make it another day, this truth is what carries me through.

Gratitude: I have never been more aware of the fragility of life than I am today.

Each day I have with my husband and my children are a gift from God. My hope is in the promise of what is to come for the Christian; one day, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

The goal of Instagram Page II write on my Instagram page to share the comfort I have received.

Over time, I have connected with bereaved Moms and those who have lost someone dear to them. My goal is to stir hope in others who are hurting just like me.

@Missy_linkletter_

OUR STORY TIZZY RAINBOW SYSTEM @TIZZYRAINBOW

Diagnosis DID,BPD, C-PTSD & Anxiety.

Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Whilst that journey may be tough, it is potentially exciting to see where it may lead.

About Us Our body is 27 years old and we are a system of 55 (with potentially more) of different ages. We live in Kent, England with our pets; 2 cats, a dog and a parrot. We have been working for over 9 years as an Early Years Practitioner and we are qualified to work with children and young people from birth to 19 years old. We love nothing more than cozy days in pjs with blankets and hot chocolate whilst watching Disney or binge watching Netflix.

We love spending as much time possible with our family and friends. Our nieces are our world!

Tizzy Rainbow with MultiplicityAndMe Recovery is a journey, not a destination. Whilst that journey may be tough, it is potentially exciting to see where it may lead.

Our Story, Our Journey I was a very shy child, always hiding behind Mum and I leaned on my twin sister for support. I would vomit on school trips from about 7 or 8 years old. Looking back now and from conversations with Mum, we can recognize that it was anxiety was starting to show. I began having panic attacks in secondary school and anxiety became debilitating. The anxiety, dissociation and general mental health became so bad that it effected my education; I felt unable to cope with or attend lessons and went on a reduced timetable. I left college after a few months because it became unmanageable.

To this day anxiety prevents me from doing the things I not only need to do, but would love to as well.

I began finding messages that "I" had sent but I couldn't remember doing so and it wasn't how I would type. I had big gaps in my memory and I really struggled to concentrate. I didn't know what I liked or who I was but I thought this was more because of BPD. I didn't know that it was also from an alter's influence. It was at this time things at school had been getting more difficult and life was just one big confusing fog. I remember when I was around 15 years old I finally talked to the psychiatrist about what I was experiencing. She asked me why had I made it up. I hadn't, had I? I thought I was crazy. I was ashamed, scared and confused so I kept it to myself. I hadn't heard of DID until one day someone posted on the forums about an experience they had with regards to their own experiences of it. I more I looked into it, the more it seemed to fit. I had so many mixed and conflicting emotions and it was hard take in. At 17 I was admitted to a psych ward where I was assessed for DID and I scored "highly for dissociative disorders" but I wasn't diagnosed. Eventually found a clinic that specialized in dissociative disorders. But I had to fight my psychiatrist for a referral and for the funding to be approved which took time. I became increasingly aware of my alters and life was incredibly rocky. At 23 years old, 8 years after I first told the psychiatrist of my experiences, I was finally fully assessed and diagnosed with DID as my primary diagnosis.

I began self harming and experiencing suicidal ideation when I was 13 years old.

Shortly after I was referred to mental health services and I was told I had emerging BPD. I was very confused. I wasn't told what it was and had to research it myself. It explained why I feel emotions so intensely that they feel like physical sensations. For example, my skin feels like its burning when I'm angry. Emotions become so intense that I feel like I could explode because they are just so strong. But it also explained why I love someone one minute and then the next I hated them. We have struggled to maintain relationships and friendships over the years especially because of our fear of abandonment. At 18 years old, I was officially diagnosed.

I remember very little about the my early years with DID. I didn't understand it at all.

I thought it was normal to not remember things and to not feel present. It was normal to not feel real or for things around

With DID comes C-PTSD. I don't remember when the flashbacks started but I remember that it was terrifying. It still is. We get flashbacks in our sleep as well as nightmares and vivid dreams. We can get physical pains in our body during flashbacks because we are re-experiencing the time of the event.

Emotional flashbacks seem to be less talked about which are feelings that were felt at the time of the event but it is harder to identify as a flashback. CPTSD means we do things like avoid listening to the radio in case of a trigger song coming on or avoiding going to certain places or avoiding films that may have a triggering theme in them. For the longest time we didn't know why we did these things and its only recent years we have been able to identify that it's down to the disorder. It is very odd and yet validating to look back and think "oh, it was because of this". We are also beginning to recognize and understand hypervigilance and how exhausting it is.

Hardest Part of Our Journey The hardest part of it all was that not only did I not fully understand what was wrong but no one else seemed to either. We had to fight and fight for all

the answers. It was exhausting, frustrating and confusing. I didn't understand why no one was helping me, there wasn't anyone around with similar experiences and I felt like an insane alien from another planet.

The Mental Health Stigma Mental health stigma has affected me tremendously over the years. We were kicked off a course because the leaders didn't know what DID was and they worried we were "a risk". Someone asked if any of us would murder or hurt them. Professionals told me DID didn't exist. I've been told not to talk about our experiences because of what others might think and how it would affect certain areas of our life. But surely, isn't that all the more reason why we should?

The stigma has made us want to hide because we were scared of other people's reactions to something that isn't our fault.

Our Recovery Journey & Embracing It I'm not sure at what point we wanted to embrace it all. Despite being under mental health services for 14 years and fighting to survive for so long, it really is only recently we realized that recovery is possible.

We have been in specialist therapy for 2 years and it has made all the difference. Finding other people who had the same disorder as us has been incredibly insightful, helpful, inspiring and validating.

Unspoken Battles When it comes to living daily with DID, people do not think or talk about how you can be capable of doing something one minute but not the next. When an alter fronts they may not be able to function the same way I or another alter did before them. For example younger alters may not have the same abilities that an older one may have such as reading, writing and cooking. It means we may not always be able to look after ourselves and have capacity the way the world expects a 27 year old to. But most importantly, it isn't talked enough about the fact those with DID can have a life. We can have careers, marriages, children and all of the things that people without a mental illness do. Whilst we personally do not have children, we have friends with DID who do. Systems learning to work together as a whole to have a fulfilling life isn't talked about enough.

There is so much stigma around BPD that it's not talked about how having BPD means you can have some of the best qualities such as being curious, insightful, empathetic, compassionate, loyal and having passion.

Living daily with C-PTSD is exhausting. You're constantly alert in case a trigger or a potential threat

will come along. Your brain is constantly on edge and alert and it is working overtime. I feel that the exhaustion C-PTSD brings is severely undermined and not acknowledged enough.

Flashbacks Flashbacks aren't easy to manage. What works for one doesn't work for all. From our experience it was important to learn what can trigger a flashback and dissociation. It isn't always possible to avoid triggers so once we know what it is, we are able to work on dealing with it. We use a lot of grounding techniques. Grounding techniques rely on our senses and they keep us in the present. We keep a pack of mints with us because we can use sight, taste, smell, touch and sound as we crunch it. We regularly remind ourselves of the date; its on our phone home screen, we use diaries and calendars and we often ask our "Alexa" if we're struggling. If we have had a flashback we try to do things that are comforting after. Whether its having a cup of tea or a hot chocolate, watch a film or do some drawing.

But sometimes we just simply need to have a nap because it can be so draining.

Advice To Those Who Can Relate Speak to others - peers with similar experiences, trusted people in your lives, professionals.

Keep a note of things so if you do seek professional help you have evidence that they may be able to help you make sense of.

Do your research. The more you know the more you will understand yourselves. Read books, online articles and check out systems on YouTube.

Remember there is always hope and you are not alone.

Closing Words Life isn't how we expected it to go. In the past 3 years we have had several suicide attempts, been sectioned, had inpatient admissions and whenever we thought we hit rock bottom, we were proved wrong and hit it even further and harder. Since September 2018 we have been on sick leave from our job and whilst we have every hope of going back to work soon, having the time off is proving to be the best thing we could be doing for ourselves. It is allowing us to focus all our attention on getting stable.

Recovery is a full time job and every bit of energy is going into it.

We aren't quite sure of our passion or purpose right now. But we know don't want others to go through the stigma, fear, confusion and loneliness that we felt whilst discovering ourselves. Fighting to be understood and to get help shouldn't be this hard. We would love there to be more research and education on DID. If there is a way we can help, we would love to be apart of it.

We are incredibly grateful to those who have been there for us when the times were tough, they have no idea how much they mean to us. We are forever grateful to and inspired by other systems who have helped shed some light on DID and helped fight the stigma.

THE NUTRITIONAL ASPECT OF

OCD

WITH REGISTERED CLINICAL NUTRITIONIST

U

FRANCESCA ELDRIDGE

Understanding OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a chronic mental health problem where the person affected suffers from intrusive thoughts that are involuntary and cause a great deal of anxiety (these are the obsessions). The intrusive thoughts/obsession are accompanied by rituals (these are the compulsions) that are performed to reduce the anxiety. However, the compulsive rituals actually reinforce the cycle and the person with OCD continues to suffer.

Symptoms of OCD People with OCD experience involuntary, recurring intrusive thoughts about contamination, metaphysical contamination, harm coming to yourself or others, your sexuality, religion, your relationship, symmetry or paedophilia.

These intrusive thoughts cause them great distress and are typically accompanied by compulsive actions carried out to try to reduce the anxiety. OCD often begins in childhood, the teenage years or early 20s. It sometimes begins after age 30, though this is much less common.

People with OCD may often appear constantly distressed and depressed.

They may seek reassurance from close friends, family or other people, repeatedly asking questions like "Did I run someone over?" or "Could I have contracted AIDs if....?"

The Correlation Between Nutrition & OCD Many specific nutrients are needed for healthy function and structure of your nervous system (your brain, brain stem, spinal cord and nerves), which is the home of your thoughts and feelings.

Deficiencies in certain nutrients can therefore affect nervous system health and your mental health.

Research has found people affected

by OCD have deficiencies in specific vitamins and minerals, and structural

irregularities of the white mater (a fatty substance) in their brains.

Research also shows people affected

by OCD have lower blood levels of specific neurotransmitters (brain messenger chemicals).

Real foods and high-quality nutrient supplements may help reduce the symptoms of OCD by 1) addressing deficiencies and 2) providing the building blocks for white matter and neurotransmitters.

Supporting the gut health and digestion can help too, because the gut is where nutrients are absorbed from your food.

Misconceptions of OCD Probably the most common misconception, unfortunately reinforced by some celebrities and dreadful tv shows, is that OCD is about having a preference for cleanliness or organization and something everyone "has a little bit of" - rather than in fact being a serious mental health problem.

For example, people who like things tidy and organized are often jokingly called "sooo OCD" by their friends or describe themselves this way. It's a misinformed and offensive notion that makes light of what is actually a serious mental health problem.

The symptoms of OCD are broad and varied and the intrusive OCD thoughts are always involuntary, highly distressing and what psychologists call 'ego dystonic' - that is, OCD thoughts are distressing and inconsistent with the fundamental personality and beliefs of the person affected. OCD is not about liking a clean house or colour coding your wardrobe. Sufferers can experience repeated, distressing thoughts that they have contracted AIDs or another disease, run someone over with their car, that their loved ones will die, or that they are a paedophile (when they most definitely are not), for example.

Advice to Parents for Their Child

@francescaeldridgehealth www.francescaeldridgehealth.com

Don't wait, get help. Get a support crew in the form of a therapist familiar with OCD, your family doctor and a nutritionist familiar with OCD. The more tools, the better. And please understand that however difficult your child or teen's OCD thoughts and compulsive behaviours may be at times, this is not something they have chosen.

OCD is an unwelcome visitor for them.

Can You Actually Have A Recovery Journey with OCD? Recovery from OCD is possible. It takes work and persistence and you're worth it!

And the more tools you have in your mental health tool kit - like nutrition, CBT and ERP therapy, yoga and self love - the better equipped you are to recover from OCD and get your life back.

Why I'm Passionate about Nutritional Medicine & OCD Recovery I developed OCD at age 10 and by age 14, it was taking over my life. My symptoms affected everything from my schooling to my relationships and hobbies and left me feeling suicidal. OCD waxed and waned over the years and continued to affect my relationships, work, social life and overall health and happiness though my 20s.

I lived with OCD for 19 years before I finally sought help at age 29. Nutritional medicine played a big role in my own recovery and continues to help me stay well. These experiences are what inspired me to become a nutritionist.

The current statistic is most people living with OCD wait more than 10 years before they seek help, and many feel medication is the only tool available to them.

I would like to encourage people with OCD to seek help sooner, and to create a mental health toolbox that includes a variety of tools, including nutrition - because the more tools you have to support your mental health, the better. And nutrition is a powerful and proven tool for supporting mental health, if you are consistent with it.

Closing Words My experience of OCD and OCD recovery has given me a depth of understanding, life experience and compassion that I might not otherwise have. It has also led me to pursue a qualification and career that I love - working as a nutritionist supporting people with OCD and other mental health problems.

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If diag I had n n as s osed ever g I ot elfawa wouldn ten r ’t now e as I be . am It i wit s not ha e m asy but ental living you illne can ss .

ho w ot sn . i e lar am of m o m t Bip ar l of p al is It not

About Becca I am 27 years old. I am from Long Island, New York. I live with my husband and our

A

dog. Some of my hobbies include going to the gym, trying to empower people on

Instagram. It’s become a goal of mine to become an online nutrition and fitness coach and eventually a nutritional therapist. I worked with a coach for about 6 months and I just noticed how much my mindset and mental health have improved significantly since I started really focusing on nutrition and getting fit. The

THE ONLY THING I EVER KNEW ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER WAS HOW IT WAS DEPICTED ON TV AND IN MOVIES. I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE THAT COULD BE ME UNTIL I LEARNED WHAT IT WAS. EVERYTHING CLICKED.

gym is like therapy to me. I want to be able to give other women the tools that I learned while working

crashing down around me. I finally went to that counselor but by the time I got there I was so

with my coach. I think it is so important. I want them to

done with everything. I couldn’t even handle school anymore. I had to leave. I ended up taking a

know that it’s not about looking a certain way. It’s

medical leave of absence from school in the middle of the spring semester of my Junior year. I

about loving your body because it’s your home and

wasn’t even sure if I ever wanted to come back but I was required to see a psychiatrist in order to.

feeling strong and empowered.

When I got that Bipolar 1 diagnosis I didn’t want to believe it. The only thing I ever knew about bipolar disorder is how its depicted on tv and in movies. I didn’t feel like that could be me until I

Everything Clicked

learned what it was. Everything clicked.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2013. I can’t really put an exact date on it but I knew something was

The Hardest Part of My Journey

wrong for a pretty long time before my actual diagnosis

My journey has been long, it will never be over. I think the hardest part was probably when I was

but I really struggled to actually come to terms with it

hospitalized in 2015. I wanted to die but I didn’t all at the same time. There was a voice in my head

and seek help. I had struggled with my mental health in

telling me to do it, take all of my pills. Everything will be easier if you’re gone. Everyone will be so

some form or another since I was a teenager. Between

much better off without you. Ut was a familiar voice that sounded like me but it wasn’t me. That

being severely depressed and self-harming to serious

has to be the scariest thought to have in your head. A fight with yourself. One side wanting to end

body image issues and binging and restricting.

it all and just disappear and the other fighting for your life. My husband, who at the time was still my boyfriend, took me to the hospital. He promised I would be ok, that he would stay with me the

It wasn’t until 2011 when I was a sophomore in college

whole time. He knew they wouldn’t let him though. The psychiatric ER at the hospital I went

and had just ended my first serious relationship that I

doesn’t let loved ones stay with you. It was a terrible experience. I was the least like my true self

experienced my first manic episode. At least that is the

that I have ever been. I spent the entire night crying, I watched a man who got brought in off the

first one that I know of. The whole period of time is a

street get tackled to the ground and sedated. I was alone, I slept in a bed in the hallway. I had a

bit of a blur to me but I remember not sleeping. It was

tantrum. An actual tantrum trying to get them to let me out of there. They eventually transferred

like I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t need to sleep. I would try

me upstairs to the psych ward. I spent a week there.

most nights. I remember setting the sleep timer on my tv at night. An hour would go by and the tv would shut

The Mental Health Stigma with Bipolar Disorder

off and I would turn it back on over and over until

The mental health stigma has definitely affected me. Most of the time I don’t even tell anyone

eventually I would just get out of bed and start doing

about my mental illness. I have heard all the jokes. People use bipolar as an adjective. They think it

something.

means that a person has one mood one second and a completely different mood the next. One time I told someone and they “when do I get to see angry Becca”. I am not the hulk, I do not

I would frequently go out on week nights with my

transform. Bipolar is so much more complex that that. Some of my episodes will last weeks or

friends and get drunk, sleep just wasn’t necessary so it

months. The first and longest manic episode was about six months, it then turned into a mixed

didn’t matter to me if I had class the next morning. My

episode before dropping down into total depression. I am a lot more open to talking about it now

worth was defined by what men thought of me. A lot of

with other people as I have embraced that it is part of who I am but it does not define me.

people don’t know that promiscuity is a symptom of Mania. I would hook up with men frequently somehow

My Road to Recovery & Growth

in my head I thought I could get any guy I wanted and

I think after that hospitalization is when I really embraced my recovery journey. I started paying

therefore had to prove it somehow. That was really just

attention to myself more and keeping track of my moods. I got even more serious about my

my insecurities that I was trying to cover up. Sex and

personal growth when I started to get into fitness. I learned so much about myself during my

other impulses were impossible for me to control. It

fitness journey. It has really been key in helping me navigate this illness and keep my mental

was like an itch that I just had to scratch. I was so high

health in check.

up on the top of a ledge made up of destructive behavior and toxic relationships that I would soon dive off of

Bipolar Is A Diagnosis. It Is NOT Me.

head first to crash and burn so hard once I hit the

At first Bipolar seemed like such a negative term to me. It definitely has had both positive and

bottom.

negative effects on my life. Sometimes I feel like its holding me back from things. Like my life will never be normal. Other days I realize how lucky I am. If I had never gotten diagnosed I wouldn’t

When the high was over I fell into such a deep

be as self-aware as I am now. Bipolar is not who I am it is part of me but not all of me.

depression that I honestly thought I would never make it out. Somehow in the midst of this I managed to find

Self-Reflection

love. I met my husband in 2012 and he has been my

I have learned so many things about myself during this journey. I have learned how to track my

biggest support system. He is my rock. He was with me

moods and triggers. I’ve learned that I have patterns. I have learned that nature makes me feel

for my diagnosis and I just feel like so many people

replenished and has helped calm my anxiety. Like I said before I am very self-aware. Most

would have ran for the hills but he didn’t. I honestly

importantly I have learned that I am a strong incredible woman. I have had many things thrown

think if it hadn’t been for him I may never have gotten

at me in life and I have always managed to get through it and keep going.

help, I don’t know if I would have wanted to. I had so many friends tell me they were concerned about me

Advice to Those Who Can Relate

during that whole six month long manic episode. A

My biggest advice to anyone who may be struggling with a similar issue is to really learn about

friend even went behind my back to the campus

yourself. Self-awareness is so important. Keep a diary. Learn your triggers and keep track of your

mental health counselor but I wasn’t ready to accept

moods. Just know that whatever your diagnosis may be, that is not who you are, yes it may be a

help. I wasn’t ready to admit anything was wrong.

part of you but it is not you. You can take that diagnosis and learn from it. It will be hard sometimes. It is not easy living with a mental illness but you can. Life is full of ups and downs but

When I finally was ready I felt like my world was

it can be so beautiful.

Normalize mental health conversations by simply bringing them up.

We all need them in some way.

No one is perfect; everyone is on a journey.

All content in Toi Magazine should not be used as a solution to any medical or mental health issues.

Please see and consult with your therapist, licensed physican, etc.

All content in Toi Magazine is strictly for entertainment purposes.

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